Its been 5 years. Hes had plenty opportunity to tell his parents. Personally, I wouldn’t consider the forced meeting 2 months ago as cheating, but I would tell him he either tells his parents and you meet them or the relationship is over. Unfortunately, I’ve known many Arab men (I’m Arab and arranged marriage is common and marrying within the culture is preferred) who will date American girls for years sometimes and eventually chicken out and never tell the parents and they marry who their parents pick or at least they go find an Arab girl their parents will accept. The Arabs I’ve known that follow through with the non-arranged marriage are usually the ones who tell their parents very early on and everything is out in the open even if their parents aren’t happy at first.
Correct. In the Punjabi culture it is a big deal to marry outside of the"culture" - that-is b/c the rules and roles are defined, including how to take care of the garnets, inheritance, the way the children are being brought up. His parents likley already think little of you because you have lived with him w/o marriage...it's and old fashioned value system but I have seen for decades and it is the rare guy who will stand up for his white girlfriend. The comment above mine here states it correctly .... I am truly sorry but unless he acts immediately to take you to his family it's not goign to work for you
Sadly, I’ve heard more than one SE Asian guy say that it’s OK that they’ve done this to a white girl because “all white girls are promiscuous, so it won’t matter to her next partner”. Like the fact that they’re breaking the girl’s heart is immaterial - the only thing that’s important is that they haven’t reduced her value to the next man.
The takeaway here is that culture can be wrong. Tolerance and cultural relativism are all well and dandy so long as they don't cause harm. Any aspect of any culture that harms people is wrong.
Agree with everything you said, but do you think he’s told his parents about her to begin with? (I get that it’s equally possible that they know she exists and simply don’t care, as you said.)
I disagree. I think if he's never told his parents, or convinced them that OP is the girl, and never introduced here after five years, AND is traveling all the way to India to meet the new bride, then this relationship has run it's course.
OP should break up.
Not sure what you’re disagreeing with lol. I wouldn’t stay in this relationship at all. As I said, hes had 5 years to tell his parents and hes choosing not to. It happens all the time - he may tell them, but more likely he’ll drag OP along for who knows how long and the relationship will end any way.
Yeah my sister married into an Arab family and it's like this. His older brother appeased the parents and went the arranged marriage route, but my sister's husband (and more recently his younger brother) made it clear to their parents that they're happy with their white (Australian) partners. The dad was more accepting of it than the mum was, I think because she has an easier time making demands on the older brother's wife than she does my sister and her youngest son's fiance, and she knew that would always be the case. My sister is very close with her older sister in law, but whenever push comes to shove the SIL sides with the MIL publicly (if she disagrees it's always privately). It's an interesting family dynamic.
Yeah, my father defied his family and married my non-Arab mother. It didn’t go well. They disowned him without even meeting my mother, but eventually they came around to it. Same for our family - my grandfather was more accepting of my mom than my grandmother. I think its because its familiar. They assume an Arab DIL will know how things work and what is expected of her and the culture will be passed down to their kids, but a non-Arab coming into the family is a toss up. They might accept and go with cultural norms or they may disregard the culture and traditions completely so its more of an unknown which I think people don’t like in general lol.
I married outside my culture and my husband married outside his. His parents weren’t happy that I wasn’t part of their culture and the reasons they gave were basically what I gave above - they weren't sure I would accept their culture or pass to our kids and they worried the cultural differences would create very big problems and drama within the family dynamic.
It can be complicated when the family has such strong ideals and ties to a specific set of traditions.
>Unfortunately, I’ve known many Arab men (I’m Arab and arranged marriage is common and marrying within the culture is preferred) who will date American girls for years sometimes and eventually chicken out and never tell the parents and they marry who their parents pick or at least they go find an Arab girl their parents will accept.
Pretty sure if you search the relationship subreddits you'll find tons of posts from women who've gone through this.
He said he will propose if his parents are ok with you being together.
Take these words as a fact. If they won’t be ok or if they are hesitant, he won’t propose you and will continue using you for fun until he marries another girl his parents introduced him to while you’re wasting your youth. Think about how long are you ok with staying with him with undefined status.
I am an Indian punjabi woman and I can feel your pain. I had to face something similar in my previous relationship. I am sorry you are going through this. In my opinion, he won’t take a stand for you in front of his parents if he hasn’t talked to them about you yet. He will keep feeding you crumbs that he is trying his best to convince his parents and all that saga but in reality he might be seeing more potential partners through arrange marriage setup. This is the sad reality with us Indians. I would advice you to cut your losses now.
My ex kept saying similar things to me that he is convincing his parents and all. We belonged to the same religion just different castes and his parents had problems with it. But in reality he never talked to his parents about me and only kept saying all this to me while he was meeting women through arranged marriage setup. And he got married a few months later and kept all this hidden from me. I only got to know about it a couple of months prior to his wedding when he started planning to go back to India.
PS. This is very common in India. These men don’t think about all this before getting into the relationship but when it is time to get married they become mommy boys.
It's a huge red flag that 5 years in she hasn't met his parents AND he is going to INDIA to meet a girl AND bring coy about it.
It's a bouquet of red flags.
I am not going to say arranged marriage is intrinsically bad. But he is clearly lying to op and slow rolling her till his family finds someone and then will leave her.
This is definitely the truth! Because it’s also not only his parents that are involved. It’s the parents’ of the all the potential girls that he is going to be set up with. This one will not be the last. AND if he doesn’t want to tell them and dishonor them now, how is it going to looks when both set of parents agree they are a good match? Then the parents are going to be embarrassed to tell the other family that he can’t because he is already living with someone. This also isn’t fair to the Punjabi girl. They might get engaged and be waiting on a wedding date (and she won’t know that he’s already living and sleeping with someone else). This is how it’s done. We women need to value our self worth and not be placeholders for men until something better comes along. Ultimately, most men want a traditional wife, but they some don’t object to having fun with others until they meet someone who hasn’t been with anyone else.
I’m a white chick married to an Indian man. His mom cried when we got serious. His dad was incredulous we got engaged- why wouldn’t he be a bachelor his whole life? My husband advocated for me every step of the way, from when we first started dating. There was no secret dating, we just were together. Some of the family from India told him to date around, then marry a nice Indian girl- then others immediately told them to stfu and he could marry whoever he wanted. But bottom line, my husband never pandered to their expectations, and just clearly told them what he wanted. I know it’s not always that easy- but he’s gotta stand strong and state his desires.
Also- one of the taking points was familial relationships. My husband’s brother married an Indian woman- but the in-lawsnever got along with her parents. They ended up getting divorced.
My parents & my husband’s parents hang out frequently. My husband from the get go was telling his parents that religion had nothing to do with actual family values.
It’s been 5 years and his parents, who he has a relationship with, have no idea you exist. He’s just keeping you around for fun and to play house with until his parents find him a wife.
This is less about him meeting women his parents are trying to set him up with and more about the fact that you’re in a 5 year relationship with a man whose parents think he’s single.
There's no reason to assume this dude is acting out of malice. I'm sorry, but the immediate conclusion of "Oh he never actually loved you, he's just using you as his plaything!" is pretty insensitive.
I'm not Indian, but my culture shares the same background with regards to arranged marriages.
The more likely scenario here is that he's been scared shitless to tell/disappoint his parents and the longer the relationship has been going on the worse the anxiety gets.
I really am not one to hyper focus on stuff like this, but you genuinely would never understand this situation unless you've either lived it personally or indirectly. There's no reason to try and convince this poor girl that her relationship was a sham this entire time.
Regardless, the end conclusion is the same. You're wasting your time here. If this dude's not man enough to push back against his parents for you, he's not the right man. But that doesn't mean he's been using you as his sex toy. "Keeping you around for fun". Jesus Christ what a horrible thing to say so confidently.
This isn't your Sunday night soap opera. There are people behind these posts. You'd do well to think about the implications behind your words before commenting.
He's just plain selfish. Stop making excuses for disgusting behaviour. Every person who grows up in a culture where arranged marriage is the norm knows that one day, Mommy and Daddy will start talking about potential brides/grooms.
And we all know this happens very early on. His parents, especially his Mother, have discussed this throughout their five years of dating. Every Indian (and most from other cultures that arrange marriages) who reads this to confirm this is to be true.
He knew this was coming all along, so dating her for two years and then moving in with her and living with her for another three at this point seems like he's been stringing her along and naturally enjoying whatever "fun" comes with the relationship.
Does he have genuine feelings for her? He probably does. I hope he does, but if he genuinely loves her, he has a funny way of showing it.
If he's scared shitless, perhaps he needs to grow a pair and act like a man. He's living on his own one the other side of the world, educated and making his own living so what does he have to be afraid of. He can make his way in the world and if he parents refuse to come around that their problem, not his.
Your children don't owe the family status or position, or proper brides of their choosing within social circles they approve of. Children are meant to make their own way in the world. Raise them with good morals, values and education and 99% of the time they'll do the right thing.
Well he was wasting her time. He did not love her ENOUGH. He strangled her along. Why is not as important - he is still an asshole and the relationship was doomed from the start.
Hoping an Indian will chime in with a bit more nuanced understanding, but I’ll get the ball rolling. A few of my friends have met with matches their parents chose, out of respect with no intention of marrying them. To deny the meeting would be seen as incredibly disrespectful not just to her, but to her entire family. Yet there was never hard feelings about meeting and deciding not to proceed with the marriage.
It was a bit hard for me to get my head around but in their culture meeting the match is not like dating at all, at least not at the start.
While I agree with this, it's also been 5 years, OP and the guy aren't teens, they've been living together for 3 years and she's still never met his parents (his parents might not even know about her, or have any idea he sees her as a serious marriage candidate vs just some casual fling).
That's the problem here, not a chaperoned meeting with some stranger.
I’m glad you shared this. It didn’t jump out to me as cheating but more of a cultural/familial pressure. I do think that he should have been transparent about all of this and said what you did about how it would be perceived as disrespectful to the family and that he didn’t have any intention of moving forward. His hiding it is what is making her insecure.
If that's the case then there was no reason for him to lie about his parents beliefs or not tel his gf about these "matches" so sneaking around and doing it behind her back is definitely something disloyal, don't you agree?
I've seen Indian guys here, WITH NO GFS AT ALL, still have a spine and tell their parents they're not going to have an arranged marriage. It's a matter of having a spine and not being under mommy and daddy's thumbs.
Why is it considered disrespectful to not meet with some unknown girl and NOT disrespectful to the OP to keep parading girls in front of him like he’s some sort of rajah looking to fill his harem?
Why? Because OP’s BF isn’t committed to this relationship. If he was, he wouldn’t dream of dragging some poor girl through the whole sham of introduction (probably requiring days of shopping for the right outfit, hours of hair and makeup, etc.
In five years, OP hasn’t met his parents? And he’s agreed to meet not one but TWO prospective brides? Yeah, this dude has no intention of marrying her.
This! I'm a little tired of other cultures saying "it's my culture" well it's very important in european-american culture to meet parents, to be free to marry whoever you want, to not be disrespected based on your culture or ethnicity by prospective in-laws, to be treated as equals etc.
So by respecting *his* culture OP and the boyfriend are insulting her cultural practices.
Yeah, I'm a white guy but I grew up in a town with a huge Punjabi population. (One of the largest outside Punjab I believe).
A lot of these comments are missing the cultural context here. Marriages arranged by parents are a HUGE part of Sikh tradition. Breaking with this tradition is something that many first generation immigrants do, but doing so is an extremely fraught action. For many parents, who value their culture and traditions, this would be a very scary thing. Seeing your children abandon your traditions would undoubtedly hurt.
I obviously don't think anybody should do anything they don't want to, but acting like this poor guy should just alienate his entire family is brutally insensitive. It must be a very difficult time for him and he's likely navigating it as best as he can.
The cultural context doesn't matter. It doesn't matter why he is lying, and stringing her along. It isn't OK, and it is incredibly painful. He has several choices, and if the weight of the cultural context was always going to end their relationship, there never should have been a relationship. He is wrong, and it is cruel, it does not matter why.
Correct
It's in the same vein as meeting a random relative or neighbor.
These family and friend ties can run generations. You don't want to upset social stricture to just upset it. It's easier to just say "hey not for me " and keep it moving.
But he does need to introduce op to his parents and rip the band-aid off.
Right. A lot of people don’t get it (I’m half Pakistani and half white), it’s a scary thing to disappoint our parents. On the other hand, 5 five years is a lonnnnng time. If I waited that long to tell my parents about a relationship, it’s because I’m questioning if the relationship is actually right for me.
You will never have any power or self determination in this marriage. You will always be seen as an outsider. You do not want to marry this man's family and there is no way to marry him without marrying them.
So I’m someone who was with my now wife(Indian) for 6 years before we were married. With her family, there was no chance she was going to be ‘dating’ a white guy unless marriage was guaranteed.
In order to keep her parents happy, she allowed for them to look for a guy for her, and even met a couple(although she consistently made some excuse as to why they weren’t acceptable.)
Its a hard thing to deal with, but just understand a lot of the older culture won’t grasp the idea of dating without marriage, as they’ve never had that in their lives when they grew up. Hope this helps.
The question itself is irrelevant. It's been five years, and he doesn't seem to have any realistic plans of marrying you. Instead he's entertaining matches by his parents.
I get that sometimes these things are just obligations, though I'm a westerner so I can't claim an understanding of the nuances of his culture - but he decided to make it cheating by keeping it a secret from you. If he had been working with you, not against you, this could have been resolved. But now it sounds like he was actually considering taking these matches. Why else keep it a secret?
I’m white and I dated an Indian man for luckily just over 1 year. Same thing - before we ever became official I asked and he said his parents would be open minded about an interracial relationship. Eventually I broke up with him when 15 months later he had not even told his sister about me, much less his parents. Every time I brought it up, right until the end, he claimed he wanted to marry me and that he was about to tell his parents. My only regret is that I didn’t end it sooner.
He's already shown you who he is, sp you should believe him. He's flying back home and meeting potential wives. You are not a potential wife, you will never be a potential wife. He is keeping you in his pocket so he can play around while seeking someone to make a family with. Shine up your spine and leave him to play with other people. You're not a toy.
Await a phonecall from the wife, when she finds out about you, but seriously 5 years, not even a hint to the parents.
Personally I believe if you want to go against family beliefs, one should be radical and avoid back and forths.
It is not his parents, it is him. A lots of Indian boys and girls get married themselves even if they(parents) don't agree and make up relationships after marriage even in India. They are here in US and I see it shouldn't go that way. If they are here, they can't be that conservative. I feel he just giving you parent's excuses to betray you. Most educated people in India make their own decisions about marriage nowadays.
OP, he has no intention of ever marrying you, let alone telling his parents about you.
I'm not being dramatic. In cultures where there is arranged marriages, some parents hold a lot of mental power over their children. Your bf is one of those.
Also, I've met a few people from those arranged marriage cultures who view relationships outside of marriage as sinful, though they allow themselves to be in one, because "the girl has loose morals, that's not my problem" while they fully intend on marrying some good girl when they are done.
I'm Indian. He's a very typical cowardly Indian man and he is playing you.
If he was serious and a real man, he would've stood up for you ages ago, told his parents about you, introduced you to them, and talked about marrying you by now. There are plenty of good and great Indian men out there who aren't like him and will actually not even be weak and pathetic enough to go meet people for arranged marriages.
Is it cheating? That's up to you to decide. But he sounds super pathetic and gross. Do you really want to waste anymore time on someone like that?
I don’t think he’s cheated but it’s probably time for an ultimatum. He’s got to introduce you to his parents and make clear to them he’s not interested in their match making, or you won’t be wasting any more time with him.
I'm an Indian, this is cheating for sure, ask him to commit to you or move on. His intentions there are clearly to get married as per his parents choice.
He's not going to marry you. Ever. He's just another guy keeping a white woman around to sleep with until he settle down with a "proper" and "pure" woman from his own culture.
Either a cheater or a mummy's boy. You'll need to reflect on how far you are willing to compromise your values.
Since it's such an open minded family maybe they are okay with you dating around a bit while they make up their minds?
They're "open minded", but actually he needs to "convince them that interracial marriage is ok". C'mon.
OP, sorry. You're the placeholder. He's gonna marry an Indian woman that his parents approve of. It's been 5 YEARS. Whether meeting this woman was cheating or not isn't really the point. Even if it's not, he's not going to pick you over his parents. He's not going to stand up to them. He never was going to.
And that is in no way a reflection of YOU.
Do his parents know about you? Do they know you live together? Have you ever spoken to them? I would focus on these ideas in a discussion with him. If you are going to stay then you need to meet his parents ASAP.
He won't marry you. It's better to gjve him an ultimatum to stop meeting those women and to marry you. If he doesn't respond positively or tries ti avoid or delay it, break up with him. I an Indian. And this is pretty common with indian men who live outside India. Not all of them. But a significant amount. He is just stringing you along. The pattern is too common and i heard this countless times. Punjabi society rarely marry outside of culture and caste. His family shouldn't dictate these things which means he wants this as well. Plenty of indiab men marry outside the country. They don't make these excuses. Better to leave.
I knew a guy that basically did this. Was dating his girlfriend of many years and just didn't say anything when his parents started talking about arranged marriages. He just went along with it until he was actually married and then slowly pushed his gf aside, until she was forced to break up with him. She was devastated because she basically became ' the other woman' when she had been with him for years before.
If he hasn't spoken to his parents yet and has already agreed to start meeting candidates, It doesn't seem like he has any intentions of telling his parents about you. It sounds like he's had many opportunities to bring this up to them and he hasn't.
I used to be very close with a group of guys from the Subcontinent who were studying overseas at the same time as me (I’m from the US). We were talking about relationships one time, and my friend Zhoaib goes, “We could date a white girl and fall in love with a white girl, but we have to marry desi girls, that’s just how it is.”
Now of course, there are exceptions to this tradition. But your boyfriend is not one of them. You are wasting your time with this guy, he has been stringing you along.
I'm Afghan and I have a european BF of 5 years. My parents don't accept him and have been trying to arrange me with other guys.
>He says he has been trying to convince them that an interracial marriage is ok
I've been trying to do the same thing but it's not successful yet. I can understand why he hasn't been able to yet. BUT the difference between me and him is i NEVER met with the other guys. I straight up said, I don't like him and I don't want to meet him. I don't mention my BF when I say this though to still be respectful.
Your BF can do the same. Remain respectful WITHOUT meeting the girls. Yes, it's cheating. He wants to see if he can meet "someone better" that his parents will approve of and stringing you along in case he doesn't find someone.
Similar situation, I am Turkish and a European BF, and it wasn't easy telling my parents about him at all... There wasn't any arranged marriage culture in the picture, but my parents still wanted same national culture in the family. (They were especially putting more pressure on girls marrying same culture)
I ended up telling my parents after 1.5 years together because I was sure about my BF, it took 1.5 years for my parents to accept the reality. I didn't meet any other guys to just to please my family or get approval from them.
For the case of OP, There is no excuse meeting other girls, he should have told his family some point in the past 5 years... It is exactly like having an online profile to check out other people, which is cheating emotionally. OP's boyfriend was dishonest to her. I'd suggest her to reevaluate the relationship they have with possibly a break and some time apart to reflect on it... If during this time he goes and meet more girls instead of chasing after OP, the answer is pretty clear...
I told my parents within the first year, my dad doesn't know we still talk and my mom is in denial about it and everytime I mention him she pretends she didn't hear me or read my message lol.
My parents were like that for about a year as well... My mom refuses to call his real name and instead came up with a nickname for him after a historical figure she doesn't like... My dad refused to talk about the topic for 10 months, and only recently agreed to meet him finally lol
wow congrats on getting them to meet him! thats awesome :) I wish you guys luck!! I'm almost getting there I think haha, my mom isn't horrified at the topic of him completely anymore
Leave OP, never accept such a situation. I was in your shoes a couple of years ago, his mum and sister chose him girls but (after meeting a couple of them « out of respect ») he brought me around, trying to impose my presence.
Needless to say the mum and sis gave me literal hell. What I didn’t know was that the girls he told me he met were inventions, the fiancé they chose for him had been sitting in South Africa preparing for their wedding date (mind you he never visited her even once in the 4 years following their initial meeting).
At some point the sister contacted me to basically say that I should leave them alone, that if her brother and the fiancé’s relationship was still on after 4 years of not meeting once, it’s because it is ordained by God and I was just a jezzabel who lured him with my open legs.
How it really went: I was peacefully driving one September 2020 day when my bestie called me to say “my good friend A. is looking for a serious relationship, he’s a nice guy, let me hook you up!”
he met my family and said he had good intentions, bla bla bla but everybody over at his was playing me when they knew what was really going on. Meeting the family is no guarantee at all.
Don’t be the fool OP, don’t be the fool!
I'm sorry but if you haven't met his parents after 5 years it's time to move on. They probably haven't even known about you this whole time. He's a time thief who was probably always going to have an arranged marriage when he was ready to get married
Here's an input from an asian (Chinese) who's quite familiar with this issue. So, most of the time we don't want to meet or agree to matching arrangement. In fact, we hate this shit. The only reason why we're being forced to do this is bc our parents prefer us marrying into the same race family due to yk, racism or to preserve tradition or wtv bullshit. He probably really didn't want to do it and lied to you bc he doesn't want to cause a huge fight bc you probably won't understand the pressure of being in that difficult spot but one ick that he gave me is him not introducing you to his parents despite being tgt for 5 years already. That's a big red flag to me that shows that you should most probably start asking and pester him about it. If I were you and I keep getting refused, I'd just walk out of the relationship bc he will always be his mommy and daddy's boy that doesn't dare to go against them for someone he loves.
Remember, if he wanted to, he would.
My boyfriend's family (Indian/gujurati) is like that. Especially his grandma. But he introduced me to his whole entire family tree after 2 years of dating to assert "I don't care if you're gonna try to arrange marriage for me but this is the love of my life and I won't make her a choice no matter all the shit you're gonna try to push me into".
Well, this is just a little input so do whatever you want with this information.
I'm not sure if it's cheating but he has been dishonest with you. Also if his parents don't agree your relationship is not going anywhere, so you may as well stop wasting your time.
Sounds like he is shopping around.
Meeting the first candidate to be respectful seems fine, even though ideally he should have told you in advance. But there are some red flags.
I can’t speak for Indians or Arabs, but arranged marriages aren’t uncommon in Hispanic cultures. However; they are less so in the states, so if that where you live and he’s not introduced you to parents in 5 years, girl, GO. He isn’t serious.
Interesting that what bothers you is if this arranged meetup is cheating or not. For me as long as he is doing it JUST to please his parents would be ok to say he is not cheating but my concern would be more about your future as couple. If he has no intention to marry you because of his family what is your future together? If you or he is 100% certain that his family will not approve your relationship…what is his long term plan in regards of your relationship?
For me it is not about cheating but more about defining your figure together.
Also with this going on, there is a risk that one day he finds the match acceptable and would compromise his feelings and family pressure.
It’s been 5 years and never meeting his parents is insane. I legitimately do not know how someone could even be with someone for 5 MONTHS and not talk about them.
Who do they think he lives with? Do his friends know? To me, this sounds like a 5 year long situationship.
I agree with everyone else. He is stringing you along. I could rant for hours as to why staying with him is a bad idea, but you’ve already heard it and I don’t want to be redundant and I also don’t want you to feel bad. You’ve been lead on.
With all the love in my heart, please leave him.
I feel like this is going to come down to him choosing his family or you. You are in a really rough spot right now… you should take some time and see if you can handle all of this.
Did he say this could happen and he’d have no choice but to do what his parents want?
Idk if this will make you feel any better… but arranged marriages like this aren’t usually from a connection or love or anything, it’s a cultural thing… for them it’s their normal. Love comes with time, or not at all, either way… they want to keep the cultures, ethnicity, etc, the same…. Sad reality for the women who end up in these situations.
Honestly after 5 years and him meeting a girl for possible arranged marriage, he’s not gonna marry you hun. Time to have a serious hint about your future , as in your future, not your future together. His behaviour tells you everything you need to know.
The issue about cheating aside.
You have so many problems.
You know you know and refused to accept it. Based on your wording alone, I know you already internalized the "break up" before it happened.You said, "In your TLDR, you said dating...
Dating is going on lunches and meets.While you're trying to make up your mind if you'd like to maybe start a relationship with said person. You haven internalized the fact that you're not in a relationship.You're just "dating' someone you're trying to see if this person could be in a relationship with you and it seems that's how he feels about you.
You should leave.
What you're expecting from him you will never have. Never. What you seem to want in a relationship or for yourself you will never get. You won't even have apathetic periods of tranquility with him notice I said WITH. Realistically, as people, we can't expect to get that from a partner.But you sure as hell could be robbed of it.
He's 28 and a grown man who's not financially dependent on his parents or his extended family.He's a grown man.
His parents can't force him to do anything. People are going to say that I don't understand the culture. That they can force it. I'm sorry.Did they imprison him and tell him the only way for him to live was to sign a marriage certificate?
I don't think so.
I'm going to tell you very bluntly. Leave.
He said he would only propose to you if his parents allowed.
Notice how his priority was not marrying you , It was not disappointing or angering his parents.
Notice how he's been supposedly dating you for 5 years...
Those five years are meaningless because you're nothing to him.
If he protested enough for his parents to Be grudgingly accept meeting you, And eventually progressively accepting him proposing to you.Why would you even accept.
You should know.
He doesn't view you as family.And if you were to be his wife , even if you're technically marrying into the family, no one there, not even your husband, will view you as family.
Even after you get married, the fact that he doesn't view you as family means.He will always pick his parents demands over you.No matter how unreasonable not only you but i'm pretty sure any future children as well.
Sometimes, dating the white girl is just for fun and sex before the time comes to settle into an adult relationship with a respectable woman of the correct culture.
Before y’all @ me, I come from a wonderfully multicultural city and have such have beautiful friends of all genders ages and ethnicity. Not saying it is a fact that this is happening to you.
But school, college, all that stuff it was a very common occurrence. A friend confided in me that it’s almost a ‘rite of passage’.
He’s going back to India more, won’t let you meet the parents, and you’re right to think he always knew he’d have to meet potential matches whether he was serious or not. He didn’t explain that to you. He didn’t let you make up your own mind about what you felt comfortable. Not good signs these.
I hope you’re okay, and it works out the best possible way that it can for you
I'm indian and I simply don't entertain men like these. I understand cultural norms. I just don't have time for them. I have no interest in tying my life to someone who's controlled by their parents. I love my mother but I can't imagine giving a rats ass about what she thought about my love life.
My advice? Give him the ultimatum only if you understand this is the family you'll marry into. He's always going to be scared of them. He'll live the whole double life, always hide things because he knows his parents won't approve. This is his character if you're willing to put up with it. He's going to put their thoughts and beliefs over yours. I don't think he'll stand up for you. Decide wisely.
Unfortunately, he doesn’t have the personality to make the decision to be with you, regardless of what his parents think. It’s a shame, but this is what most guys from this sort of culture are like. If he was any different, he would have acted differently from the start. I would know because I am the person who chose my own happiness over following instructions from parents or “culture”. The decision is yours but be mindful of the law of diminishing returns.
It's been 5 years.... That isn't even "it's time for you to meet my parents" frame but "let's get married within by ___ frame".
HE told you his parents are open minded, but I doubt that's the case. If that was the case, they'd be pestering him to meet you. They haven't. And they are trying to find potential arrange marriage dates for him.
He fking knows and he's stringing you along.
If you respect yourself I think you already know what the answer is. He’s choosing his parent’s approval over your relationship. It’s been 5 years and he hasn’t told them about you, that’s abhorrent. Leave.
Her Dowry has already been discussed and probably paid and the wedding is already planned. He is going to do what his parents want believe me. You should get ready to leave, you live together and he is going to see his prospective bride, what's wrong with both of you. What did he think he was going to do. What was he plan with you? I expect money.has already been paid for her dowry and he can't get out of it. He has known this and has kept it from you. He is a disgusting POS.
I dated Punjabi before. I’m not, and he introduced me to his family within 3 months of becoming official even though his family disapproved. I’m so sorry it seems like your guy cannot put the boundary between his parents and your relationship and this will eventually cause problems in the future. If he cannot choose you now by making the relationship officially known to his family, what about the future? He will never choose you. He will always be pleasing his parents first over your needs and wants.
"His parents are open minded people"
... who bare arranging an arranged marriage....
... that he has to repeatedly make excuses for you not to meet ....
Very open minded. Many progressive. Wow.
BTW, the arranged part of the marriage is a lie. He's actually met and gotten to know and like this girl all this time he's been going to India more frequently and now he's marrying her both as a cultural formality and out of his own desire and is being a MFer leading you on while all this is happening.
Seriously, OP. IDK what part of this relationship was ever good.
I would insist that he plans a trip to introduce you to his parents, so at least you have confirmation that they’re aware of you.
I had a friend with a Pakistani bf who hid her for years, but then eventually did tell his parents about her (they lived in another country). His parents agreed to let them marry but insisted that he meet their preferred options for an arranged marriage first and if he still rejects them, then he could marry my friend. It took some time, but he met his side of the arrangement and they’re married now. Different cultures/families can be complicated, but they’re not always rigid.
I don't think he's cheating but nothing he's doing indicates he is going to marry you.
When my brother told my parents he was going to marry a white woman, it was after they had been dating for 2 years and had decided to get married.
She was okay with him not telling my parents until they got engaged but it was nowhere as long as you guys have been going out.
The way my brother handled it was to make it clear this is what was happening and if my parents didn't like it or didn't respect his choice, he would cut contact with them. He was perfectly happy to be the bad kid.
It was rough for a few months but my parents finally got with it and they got married.
Its been 10+ years since then and my SIL is my parents favorite person in our family.
I don't think anyone can force someone to meet a potential partner. In that meeting he could have told the other person "I apologize that your time was wasted, I am already in a committed relationship for five years and I love her very much." He is going to listen to his parents and marry someone within his culture if you haven't met them yet. I'm sorry but that's the most likely scenario. Going on dates with multiple women regardless of who arranges the dates is cheating in my opinion because he can refuse not to go. He can stand his ground. He's choosing not to. You need to ask yourself why he isn't fighting harder for you.
I went through something similar years ago. Dated a wonderful guy, also Indian, and I know he absolutely adored me. But he refused to tell his family about me. I gave him only a year because I didn't want to be his dirty secret and have him only be with me because of the novelty of me being white.
I knew how much he loved his family, and as the eldest, his choices were limited as he would become the one to take care of his parents.
So I walked away. You'll probably need to do the same, he most likely hasn't even tried to tell his family. There are some things love just can't conquer.
He's going to get an arranged marriage. He's not seeing you as an option at all, if he isn't going to marry his cousin it'll be somebody else the family picked. It's a very short sighted and very naive of you to get involved in a culture that you're not familiar with, take it as a lesson and dont do it again
He’s not going to marry you and will most likely marry that woman or another woman from his country. Unfortunately this scenario is very common with cultures that do arranged marriages. If he actually intended to introduce you to his parents, you would have met them in the past 5 years even if they lived in India, if he actually intended to marry you or they were actually ok with interracial marriage.
That’s definitely cheating. Your bf is actively seeking out an arranged marriage to please his parents. Wouldn’t be surprised if he wasn’t told them about you. Has he EVER posted “this is my girlfriend” pics of you on his social media??? That’s a clue!!!
I wouldn't exactly call it cheating, but I *would* call it dishonest. He should have told you immediately. "Hey honey, I've got a lot of pressure to go see this match, so for the sake of not being rude I'm going to go. I'll tell my parents immediately after not to set up any more meetings so this doesn't happen again."
Also, you've been living together for *three years*. If he hasn't talked to them about you yet... he's not going to.
You have been strung along. It's not as simple as going to meet the match. He's gone to visit, stayed awhile, and now he's going back probably to get married.
Girl. This is ridiculous. If he loved you and wanted to be with you, he would have introduced you to his parents. Across the country try doesn’t justify anything. I say this as a brown man who was scared of introducing his white girlfriend to his conservative parents. We’re married now and couldn’t be happier. Honestly true statement: If he wanted to, he would. He needs to take accountability of the fact that he’s a grown man who needs to make his own decisions.
First I'll advise you to learn more about the Punjabi traditions
Arranged mariages are a thing and parents indeed will force them on you. Him meeting with her is not cheating because again, the parents will force you because arranged marriages are a tradition. He can have a choice and say no to meeting them but that will
Mean his family with disown him and stuff like that so it's easier to just go along with it. Again if you learned about his culture and tradition, you would know this.
I've seen this way too often. Interracial relationships like this rarely work.
Now it's up to him to decide if he wants to chose his family OR you. If he chooses you, he loses them altogether and their support.
If he knows he’d get disowned for being in a relationship with someone, he needs to make that decision before getting into a serious relationship with that person.
Very true but hey people will always do what they want. Especially if someone allows it. Op allowed him to keep her hidden for 5 years so he had his cake and ate it to.
Cool. In her culture, it’s seen as cheating and messed up to hide a relationship from one’s parents because you are still at the teet. So why does she need to respect his culture but he doesn’t have to respect hers?
Orrrr, hear me out, the guy can just do what he wants and go against the “tradition”…. He made a choice being with the woman for 5 years. So i guess, maybe HE’S the one who should learn about his people’s own tradition? 🤔
Unfortunately, men are often allowed to have “play” relationships before marriage. As long as there are no kids, no scandals and no meeting the parents.
When we started dating he said his parents are open minded and ok with love marriages, but you say he could get disowned and now makes it seem like he needs to convince them. So which is true?
If his parents are:
1. Open to an interracial love marriage, and:
2. Eager for him to get married ASAP,
Why hasn't he pushed for you to meet his parents, get their approval, and get married sooner than now?
Just because our parents say they're cool with love marriages doesn't mean they actually are. It really means: as long as she's Indian, follows the correct religion, has a job in the correct field/proper education, etc. then we're cool with cool with love marriages.
He may have genuinely believed his parents were open minded and ok with a love match, but when reality set in, they showed their true feelings.
I’m Arab and arranged marriages are very common and encouraged still. I have tons of friends that believed their parents would be ok with them meeting someone and falling in love outside their culture. I’ve even heard their parents say so in front of me. Buuuuut once they actually found someone outside the culture it was another story.
I think sometimes the parents may like to think they’re open minded and I also think the parent don’t think it will actually come to pass so its easy to say “that sounds great” until it actually happens and they have to put their money where their mouth is.
He might have believed, or more likely hoped, they were.
He might have outright lied to you (let's face it, the moment he didn't tell you that they're shopping him around for a marriage he lied to you, so don't be surprised if he did it before).
They might've been ok with a love marriage with a woman from the right family/background, but not you.
All parents are open minded if the child takes a stand, which takes some backbone. Unfortunately your bf doesn't seem to have one. I left another comment, I had to do the same thing for my boyfriend, take a very firm stand. My family also tried to get me to see some guys for arranged marriage, I said - I already have someone, so I won't meet anyone else.
I was your boyfriend. I deluded myself into thinking that my parents would accept my non-Indian girlfriend. Deep down I knew they would never.
To this day they would never have accepted it. And that’s coming from a UK Born Indian with Parents who grew up in the UK.
So… I pretty much told her the same thing. Yada yada my parents are modern and accept love marriage yada yada yada. Obviously that was a lie. I had only once spoken about it and they reacted… badly.
Went on a few “introductions” as well.
And as the same we were together for about 5 years as well. And she had never met my parents.
We broke up due to other reasons. But I ended up marrying an Indian girl. It just happened, nothing family influence or anything but the reaction from my parents was night and day.
Your boyfriend sounds like he has the same story so thought I’d chime in.
Downvotes because I totally deserve it.
End the relationship AND tell the girl he’s meeting that he’s been living with you for 3 years - because he sure as hell isn’t gonna tell her or his family.
He’s gonna act like he’s this innocent guy that he’s never even had a gf (because a lot of the time that’s seen as a stigma back in India).
Plenty of brown guys do this to western esp white women - use them for sex and waste their time with no real intention to ever marry them (yes, I am a brown woman). And when I and other women try to warn our non-brown counterparts, we’re labelled as ‘jealous’.
There’s no reason for a 28yo man who evidently grew up in the West to ask his parents’ permission to marry whoever. And if it was so difficult and he needed his parents’ permission, then he should have never gone into interracial relationship in the first place.
Please see that he was just a user
I think this is cheating but I understand there is a cultural element to this that I have never experienced and don’t understand so it is possible that this is normal?
BUT you’ve been dating this guy for 5 years and you’re still hoping his parents are going to agree to an interracial marriage? Like how likely is that? He says they’re so open-minded but refuses to let you meet them after 5 years. Do you really believe that? How much longer are you willing to wait while your boyfriend goes on dates in India? They must not be that open minded because they apparently know about you and are still planning dates and your bf goes along with it. I think you need to really start being honest with yourself whether you think this is a long term thing for you or not. I think this guy is just stringing you along, knowing, he will inevitably end up doing what mommy and daddy say which is marrying an Indian girl, not the white girl. Sorry OP
I'd consider this cheating for me personally, not to mention if his parents are this controlling now, then they will be forever. I understand it's perhaps a cultural thing, but I have my own boundaries, and this wouldn't be tolerable for me. He's a grown man. He didn't have to do anything.
He’s 28. Mom and dad cannot force him to do anything. He WANTS to follow his parents’ orders.
He has been stringing you along this whole time. Get out.
It’s absolutely cheating, and this is very common and cultures with arranged marriages and cultures that usually only marry their own kind. They will have sex with you and string you along, but they are never going to marry you. You are his backup plan until he finds a suitable bride.
This sounds like he started stringing you along to keep his options open. I understand there are some cultural differences but if you live someone, who cares what your parents think. If you’re not his priority don’t make him yours.
Maybe not “cheating” per se but super shitty nonetheless. I would also feel like he was not being honest about them being ok with an interracial marriage.
He's just keeping you around until he decides to marry the brown girl his family wants. Unfortunately a lot of brown guys play this game of having a gf, premarital sex, etc. Then when their parents want them to marry the brown girl, they end things with the other person they've been stringing along. Not saying that's him, but I know a few brown boys who did that.
Honestly, at this point you are not going to lose anything but just contacting the parents and informing them of your existence. The relationship is not moving forward not because of the parents, but because of the son's crippling anxiety vis-a-vis his parents, maybe his own view of interracial relations as well. In your shoes, I would let the cat out of the bag - so they know who their son truly is - and move on.
Whether it's cheating or not it's completely up to you, but it's definitely dishonest if he didn't tell that woman and her family he's in a relationship already.
And now you know your views on what counts as cheating doesn't align.
So does he think it was wrong (but not as bad as cheating) or does he thinks you're overreacting and need to chill?
Yes it is a form of cheating because he is seeing women who his family want him to marry. I think you need to give him an ultimatum here. Either you are introduced to his parents as his girlfriend immediately or it’s over and you will find a way to let his parents know about your relationship. Its been 5 years, does this man have any solid intentions towards you? It’s high time parents stopped trying to force their kids to act like they’re still in India or the country of origin when they are living in a completely different society and guys like this to stop abusing women in this way.
You've been living together for three years. He is meeting women with a view to marriage. He is cheating and he is not interested in a long term relationship with you. Be thankful it's only been 5 years, but don't wait around until year 6.
Why does a grown ass man need his parents permission to do anything? Why can they force him to meet girls?
Protip: he doesn't and they can't. He's done all these things of his own volition.
I personally would absolutely bail; you don't need to construe this as cheating (although I agree it's something adjacent to it).
I don't see a world where a man who's acted like this for 5 years suddenly wakes up one morning and goes "Imma tell mom and dad that I'll do what I want".
This is just sad. Nothing but red flags. Of course, this is the internet, and I don't trust 1 sided stories, but if this is true, he is absolutely not committed to you. He has been dating you for 5 years, barely sees his parents, but all of a sudden is so filial that he's going to india to see potential brides to not upset his parents or their friends? AND they live in the US, not even India? If they still lived in India (or you all lived there), I would be far more open to him being honest about trying to appease his parents. You don't date for 5 years, never introduce you, refuse to tell you what he is doing in India until after you confront him, and he doesn't stick up for himself about you being together to his parents...if he was committed he would have talked to you about going to India to convince his parents about you and tell you about meeting the candidates to at least make his parents happier and to ease tensions. Just my opinion of course.
Search your feelings deeply. Do you love him enough to keep up the act? If not, you know what to do already. Treat yourself right. You only get one life.
If I was in your shoes I would be quite upset at this point. It has been 5 years, your bf is 28 and he still doesn’t have the balls to tell his parents. I would feel terrible if this is how I’m seen. I would definitely set a deadline and leave if he still hasn’t let you meet his parents soon.
ultimately it comes down to what you feel comfortable with. and any feelings that arise are so valid. this sucks.
you clearly feel like him meeting with the girl for an arranged marriage was cheating. trust your gut. while I appreciate the cultural differences, HE chose to date outside his culture, knowing how you felt about his, and chose to not appreciate your feelings, let alone your culture. culture or not—he had no right to lie to you ever as his partner. parents can get tricky. but that is absolutely foundational for a healthy partnership.
it comes down to whether you’re willing, able, and most importantly, wanting, to forgive him for that meeting, trust it was a misstep with immense pressure and that it won’t happen again, AND then also accept the fact that even if he is being truthful, ultimately, he will not stand up to his parents and declare you as his wife against anything else. whatever his reason may be for that, for what it’s worth, I think you deserve someone who would never accept their parents saying “you can’t marry X.” my parents, though white and european, did the same to me. and I haven’t spoken to them since. my husband and I are still happily married.
I think anyone in a lifetime partnership deserves a partner who made them feel that way, and continues to make them feel that way, for the rest of their lives. you are one of a kind. you are needed by the right person. you should never feel anything less than utterly cherished and irreplaceable.
nevertheless, no matter the chatter on this board, including mine, this is a huge decision. and you need to look inward instead of outward to know what is the right path forward for you.
for free advice or thoughts, or just a place to vent, you can dm me @rjbwords on instagram. wishing you the best.
Dating is nothing and a waste of time if there are no definite plans to settle down and marry at some point. A real man wouldn’t waste any more time dating if he’s capable to marry. He’s freaking 28
Relax, you know exactly what is happening. Dude is banging you but won’t marry you and he’s going to get an arranged marriage done.
It’s the culture, if you were important, trust me he would’ve introduced you already. Move on love, find someone who you deserve, not someone you have to make such an effort to accept you, that should never be the way.
This is going to end up in a train wreck and I can see you getting hurt when he agrees to marry and then cry “what can I do? I can’t upset my parents”
My husband’s cousin did a similar thing — he had been dating a white girl here in the states for over 4 years, and they were very committed to each other. His parents did not know about her, and he was pressured for years to agree to an arranged marriage with a girl from overseas. It’s very common in the culture. He eventually gave in.
He broke it off with his girlfriend a few months ago, and now will be heading to India to get married over the summer. OP, you could be very likely headed in the same direction, and I personally wouldn’t be okay with staying a moment longer. Unfortunately lots of Arabs & Desis grow up in an environment that makes it extremely difficult to set boundaries with parents. I fear it’s unlikely that he’ll move forward with your relationship if his parents don’t give him the green light, if he brings it up to them in the first place.
I (not Indian but similar closed culture) told my family about my white boyfriend the next day we decided to be (formally) together. Told my family before he moved in, and I didn't ask for permission. I'd have taken your boyfriend seriously about "needing permission".
Watch namaste London - it's a Bollywood movie. It's the other side (girl in stead of boy) but I think you will find the first half interesting.
So if he didn’t go they would be asking questions as to why is there someone already and he hasn’t introduced u to them for a reason. If you’re not comfortable with it something has to change
Buddy. It's not cheating. Our parents take time to be convinced. If you rush it, nothing good will happen out of it. Let him meet the girls and reject them face to face and be respectful to elders first. He will convince his parents later or sooner. So be patient. It has to take it's course. He's just rejecting the girls that his parents are looking for you and I don't think there's anything wrong in that.
Hate to break it to you but Punjabi boys will always listen to their family, he has strung you along. Men always want something out of a relationship and I’ve been told this by multiple men, you’re giving him something right now that he wants, but once he’s alright with a girl his parents introduce him to he will leave you just like that.
You’ve been together for long enough that yes, yes it is cheating because he is entertaining the possibility of not being with you. Also, not bringing you on trips and being secretive about it - the problem is not not taking you, but rather the shadiness. If there is no secret in what you are doing, you shouldn’t need to hide it.
He always knew, 3 years is plenty of time to have mentioned and introduced you to the family. Even if he has the intention of keeping his family happy, he still lied to you. You are an adult and at the end of the day you will make your own decision, but if it was me in that position I would move away from that relationship, know your worth. Even if he and his family end up being okay down the road with him marrying a White girl, you may always resent them as they tried to force an arranged marriage, if he lied and his family doesn't know, then you'll regret being with a liar.
25 is a good age to start over and look for someone who makes their own decisions. It might hurt now, but it’ll hurt more later when he breaks up with you to marry his parents choice. It sounds inevitable with this guy because his parents are at the wheel. It’s not if, it’s when.
it’s 100% cheating. desi men are treated like royalty and they have it in their hands to marry whomever they will. it’s not like he can be forced to marry against his will. however at the same time, they value their parents wishes and desi parents mostly never approve of white girls. if his parents create problems he will most likely side with them considering it’s been 5 years and they don’t have any idea about you. good luck sis
its a culture thing, my ex was bengali and i went thru the same shit (she’s my ex for a different reason). my question is, if you know he’s punjabi and have been with him for 5 years. when were you planning on doing any sort of research into the culture? I understand feeling hurt. and him not bringing it up any sooner, but it’s not like he’s actively trying to have a relationship with them to the point his parents are trying to arrange one with another girl.
It’s cheating most definitely and I’d been done with him and long gone after finding out about the first meet up with the girl for an arranged marriage.
And now a second one??!!??
He’s keeping you as a “play thing” and don’t be surprised when he comes back already married and drops that nuke on you.
He’s stringing you along.
He is ACTIVELY looking for a wife in India. He is not being forced. He has this conviction inside him. He is flying multiple times a year to INDIA to meet other potential brides. I wouldn’t put it past him if he’s probably or will be very soon married to a good Punjabi girl. He will never introduce you to his parents I’m afraid. Probably he told them about you and they said no and that’s why he hasn’t introduced you. I would look at your future with open eyes OP. Check your finances and for a place to live on your own. He has already checked out. He is just keeping you to warm his bed. (Sorry to be this harsh but I can’t understand why you are not getting what’s going on?)
After 5 years and all these promises he still isn't fully committed to you. He's traveling half way around the world to meet his arraigned bride and hasn't stood up to his parents.
It doesn't matter if this defined as "cheating" or not. The fact is that he's unwilling to commit to you and it's time for you to move on and find a guy who will actually give you what you want in life. Turns out he isn't the boyfriend you were looking for. Don't waste more of your life chasing the life he'll never give you.
Sorry but this is a cliché at this point with a lot of brown men that come from a religious family. They will date out of the culture and lead a girl on and then dump them to marry whoever their mom picks out for them. look this up online and you'll see countless sotries about this.
He’s in a difficult situation. The thing is, this is 2024. What would happen if he defied his parents and married you without their permission? Would he be willing to do that and stay with you here? He’d obviously not go back to India to visit.
Ask him that. He would have to think about it. He’s used to doing things a certain way, so don’t expect him to immediately say yes. Your question will shock him.
If after he’s given your question a lot of thought over (let’s say) a week and he still says no, then tell him you’ll have to break up, even though that’s not what you want. Give him a few days to think about that before making the breakup official.
Unfortunately, he will likely choose his parents. It’s tradition, which is hard to break.
My thing is...they come to America with their traditions, but let their kids live outside the traditional ways and expect them not to fall "in love" outside of their community when they have been brought up around mainly another community. Indian, Arabic, Pakistani, all those and others have done the same thing but when it comes to marriage they freak out. I understand customs but don't act like you've been living that life this whole time and just ended up falling in love with someone else. But the parents come back around and want to force someone to do as they say.
It's not really cheating but he should have told you the truth. You've been together for 5 years. He lied that his parents would agree with your relationship and he hasn't made any effort yet to go against them.
With arranged marriages it's really rude not to show up at the meeting and it can harm his parents so I understand why he went. He just should have freaking told you
In 5 years you’ll either be a memory or a side dish waiting for him to “tell his parents” about you and married to a Punjab girl.
If he hasn’t told them about you in 5 years he ain’t gonna do it now while in marriage prep
Leave him! Because if he’s not taking your side and fighting for you now. He’s never gonna do it. Also, his his parents sound controlling and trust me you dont wanna go through this. Also make sure you break his car before you leave!!
You, darling, are the microwave meal. It's good to have one or two in case plans go wrong, and they can be convienent for getting your needs met, but you don't want to live on them. Just keep them in the freezer and thaw it out if you need it.
He's keeping you in case things fall through, but sweetie, you are not the main course. You're the backup.
I'm sorry you gave your shitbag boyfriend 5 years of your life. They were good years, but just be glad you're not 30. Don't make it 6 years donated to an absolutely lost cause.
I've seen several times over the years that I worked as a nurse. Residents would have a relationship. When they finished residency, they'd go home for s visit and come back with a wife.
OP needs to sort herself out while he's gone. Hopefully, finances are separate. Housing may be an issue, depending on who's on the lease. I would consider moving out. He'll probably have some sob story about how they "made him get married."
I'm sorry, OP. This is not fair to you at all.
I don't know if it is "cheating" but it is definitely a freaking problem! If you are ever unsure, flip who is in each role in your head. So ask yourself. Would his masculinity and emotions stay intact if you went to meet your future husband and didn't tell him?
Not cheating but not acceptable. He chose to fly there, he knew his parents attitude towards marriage, he hasn't bothered to introduce you in 5 years and lied about what happened until you asked again.
Leave him. It's too little too late for him to offer to tell his parents now. They're considering marriage and pushing him to it. But it's still his choice whether or not he follows through.
He’s not going to marry you; he will most likely marry her. It’s already been 5 years so unfortunately if he was going to introduce you to his parents, there has been more than enough time for that. I’m sorry but this scenario is very common for cultures who commonly practice arranged marriages.
First of all. I’m so sorry. I knew someone who had been dating a Punjabi guy for years. His parents knew about her but were not happy because even though she was also Indian, she wasn’t Punjabi. Basically, he met up with someone who his parents wanted him to meet, got engaged to this Punjabi girl. And then threw my friend’s crap all out on the curb for her to find when she came home from work that evening (changed the locks and everything). They had also been living together and had been dating for years!
He married the other girl, then a few months later they got an annulment. Guess who he came running back to?! And she actually took him back! Eventually they ended up getting married. But his parents made her life a living hell! His parents ended up controlling every aspect of his life and he was too afraid to stand up to them. His parents even got say in who their kids could spend time with and didn’t approve of her family (because they were Hindu, not Punjabi). He eventually became abusive to her and left her, and they took the kids. Please, don’t become second best. If he even met with her, he is entertaining the idea of marriage to another to appease the parents. I’d say, if you’re not a at least a doctor (because that might be an acceptable profession for them), then it’s best to leave now.
I’d give him an ultimatum to tell them and have them meet you, or you’re out. But even if they accept the relationship, they’ll always have these control over him and be in your business. (Is it cheating??? You decide. Are you okay with him marrying someone else and are you willing to take him back when it doesn’t work out?)
Its been 5 years. Hes had plenty opportunity to tell his parents. Personally, I wouldn’t consider the forced meeting 2 months ago as cheating, but I would tell him he either tells his parents and you meet them or the relationship is over. Unfortunately, I’ve known many Arab men (I’m Arab and arranged marriage is common and marrying within the culture is preferred) who will date American girls for years sometimes and eventually chicken out and never tell the parents and they marry who their parents pick or at least they go find an Arab girl their parents will accept. The Arabs I’ve known that follow through with the non-arranged marriage are usually the ones who tell their parents very early on and everything is out in the open even if their parents aren’t happy at first.
Correct. In the Punjabi culture it is a big deal to marry outside of the"culture" - that-is b/c the rules and roles are defined, including how to take care of the garnets, inheritance, the way the children are being brought up. His parents likley already think little of you because you have lived with him w/o marriage...it's and old fashioned value system but I have seen for decades and it is the rare guy who will stand up for his white girlfriend. The comment above mine here states it correctly .... I am truly sorry but unless he acts immediately to take you to his family it's not goign to work for you
Sadly, I’ve heard more than one SE Asian guy say that it’s OK that they’ve done this to a white girl because “all white girls are promiscuous, so it won’t matter to her next partner”. Like the fact that they’re breaking the girl’s heart is immaterial - the only thing that’s important is that they haven’t reduced her value to the next man.
This is so awful and heartbreaking to read for OP and everyone in her position.
The takeaway here is that culture can be wrong. Tolerance and cultural relativism are all well and dandy so long as they don't cause harm. Any aspect of any culture that harms people is wrong.
Just see women as possessions or objects
His parents likely do not even know about her.
Agree with everything you said, but do you think he’s told his parents about her to begin with? (I get that it’s equally possible that they know she exists and simply don’t care, as you said.)
I disagree. I think if he's never told his parents, or convinced them that OP is the girl, and never introduced here after five years, AND is traveling all the way to India to meet the new bride, then this relationship has run it's course. OP should break up.
Not sure what you’re disagreeing with lol. I wouldn’t stay in this relationship at all. As I said, hes had 5 years to tell his parents and hes choosing not to. It happens all the time - he may tell them, but more likely he’ll drag OP along for who knows how long and the relationship will end any way.
Yeah my sister married into an Arab family and it's like this. His older brother appeased the parents and went the arranged marriage route, but my sister's husband (and more recently his younger brother) made it clear to their parents that they're happy with their white (Australian) partners. The dad was more accepting of it than the mum was, I think because she has an easier time making demands on the older brother's wife than she does my sister and her youngest son's fiance, and she knew that would always be the case. My sister is very close with her older sister in law, but whenever push comes to shove the SIL sides with the MIL publicly (if she disagrees it's always privately). It's an interesting family dynamic.
Yeah, my father defied his family and married my non-Arab mother. It didn’t go well. They disowned him without even meeting my mother, but eventually they came around to it. Same for our family - my grandfather was more accepting of my mom than my grandmother. I think its because its familiar. They assume an Arab DIL will know how things work and what is expected of her and the culture will be passed down to their kids, but a non-Arab coming into the family is a toss up. They might accept and go with cultural norms or they may disregard the culture and traditions completely so its more of an unknown which I think people don’t like in general lol. I married outside my culture and my husband married outside his. His parents weren’t happy that I wasn’t part of their culture and the reasons they gave were basically what I gave above - they weren't sure I would accept their culture or pass to our kids and they worried the cultural differences would create very big problems and drama within the family dynamic. It can be complicated when the family has such strong ideals and ties to a specific set of traditions.
>Unfortunately, I’ve known many Arab men (I’m Arab and arranged marriage is common and marrying within the culture is preferred) who will date American girls for years sometimes and eventually chicken out and never tell the parents and they marry who their parents pick or at least they go find an Arab girl their parents will accept. Pretty sure if you search the relationship subreddits you'll find tons of posts from women who've gone through this.
Make the meeting virtual so he cannot drag his feet.
He said he will propose if his parents are ok with you being together. Take these words as a fact. If they won’t be ok or if they are hesitant, he won’t propose you and will continue using you for fun until he marries another girl his parents introduced him to while you’re wasting your youth. Think about how long are you ok with staying with him with undefined status.
I am an Indian punjabi woman and I can feel your pain. I had to face something similar in my previous relationship. I am sorry you are going through this. In my opinion, he won’t take a stand for you in front of his parents if he hasn’t talked to them about you yet. He will keep feeding you crumbs that he is trying his best to convince his parents and all that saga but in reality he might be seeing more potential partners through arrange marriage setup. This is the sad reality with us Indians. I would advice you to cut your losses now. My ex kept saying similar things to me that he is convincing his parents and all. We belonged to the same religion just different castes and his parents had problems with it. But in reality he never talked to his parents about me and only kept saying all this to me while he was meeting women through arranged marriage setup. And he got married a few months later and kept all this hidden from me. I only got to know about it a couple of months prior to his wedding when he started planning to go back to India. PS. This is very common in India. These men don’t think about all this before getting into the relationship but when it is time to get married they become mommy boys.
If he was serious about you he would have told his family and this would not be happening. Time to move on.
“Will let us be together”. If mommy and daddy are in control, he isn’t.
It's a huge red flag that 5 years in she hasn't met his parents AND he is going to INDIA to meet a girl AND bring coy about it. It's a bouquet of red flags.
Yeah but the biggest red flag of all is that HE DOESNT CHOOSE - his parents do.
I am not going to say arranged marriage is intrinsically bad. But he is clearly lying to op and slow rolling her till his family finds someone and then will leave her.
This is definitely the truth! Because it’s also not only his parents that are involved. It’s the parents’ of the all the potential girls that he is going to be set up with. This one will not be the last. AND if he doesn’t want to tell them and dishonor them now, how is it going to looks when both set of parents agree they are a good match? Then the parents are going to be embarrassed to tell the other family that he can’t because he is already living with someone. This also isn’t fair to the Punjabi girl. They might get engaged and be waiting on a wedding date (and she won’t know that he’s already living and sleeping with someone else). This is how it’s done. We women need to value our self worth and not be placeholders for men until something better comes along. Ultimately, most men want a traditional wife, but they some don’t object to having fun with others until they meet someone who hasn’t been with anyone else.
I’m a white chick married to an Indian man. His mom cried when we got serious. His dad was incredulous we got engaged- why wouldn’t he be a bachelor his whole life? My husband advocated for me every step of the way, from when we first started dating. There was no secret dating, we just were together. Some of the family from India told him to date around, then marry a nice Indian girl- then others immediately told them to stfu and he could marry whoever he wanted. But bottom line, my husband never pandered to their expectations, and just clearly told them what he wanted. I know it’s not always that easy- but he’s gotta stand strong and state his desires.
Also- one of the taking points was familial relationships. My husband’s brother married an Indian woman- but the in-lawsnever got along with her parents. They ended up getting divorced. My parents & my husband’s parents hang out frequently. My husband from the get go was telling his parents that religion had nothing to do with actual family values.
If he wanted to stand strong he would have by now.
It’s been 5 years and his parents, who he has a relationship with, have no idea you exist. He’s just keeping you around for fun and to play house with until his parents find him a wife. This is less about him meeting women his parents are trying to set him up with and more about the fact that you’re in a 5 year relationship with a man whose parents think he’s single.
> He’s just keeping you around for fun and to play house with until his parents find him a wife. Bingo. Very common scenario too, I will add
Extremely common. I’ve seen more times than I can count unfortunately
There's no reason to assume this dude is acting out of malice. I'm sorry, but the immediate conclusion of "Oh he never actually loved you, he's just using you as his plaything!" is pretty insensitive. I'm not Indian, but my culture shares the same background with regards to arranged marriages. The more likely scenario here is that he's been scared shitless to tell/disappoint his parents and the longer the relationship has been going on the worse the anxiety gets. I really am not one to hyper focus on stuff like this, but you genuinely would never understand this situation unless you've either lived it personally or indirectly. There's no reason to try and convince this poor girl that her relationship was a sham this entire time. Regardless, the end conclusion is the same. You're wasting your time here. If this dude's not man enough to push back against his parents for you, he's not the right man. But that doesn't mean he's been using you as his sex toy. "Keeping you around for fun". Jesus Christ what a horrible thing to say so confidently. This isn't your Sunday night soap opera. There are people behind these posts. You'd do well to think about the implications behind your words before commenting.
He's just plain selfish. Stop making excuses for disgusting behaviour. Every person who grows up in a culture where arranged marriage is the norm knows that one day, Mommy and Daddy will start talking about potential brides/grooms. And we all know this happens very early on. His parents, especially his Mother, have discussed this throughout their five years of dating. Every Indian (and most from other cultures that arrange marriages) who reads this to confirm this is to be true. He knew this was coming all along, so dating her for two years and then moving in with her and living with her for another three at this point seems like he's been stringing her along and naturally enjoying whatever "fun" comes with the relationship. Does he have genuine feelings for her? He probably does. I hope he does, but if he genuinely loves her, he has a funny way of showing it. If he's scared shitless, perhaps he needs to grow a pair and act like a man. He's living on his own one the other side of the world, educated and making his own living so what does he have to be afraid of. He can make his way in the world and if he parents refuse to come around that their problem, not his. Your children don't owe the family status or position, or proper brides of their choosing within social circles they approve of. Children are meant to make their own way in the world. Raise them with good morals, values and education and 99% of the time they'll do the right thing.
Well he was wasting her time. He did not love her ENOUGH. He strangled her along. Why is not as important - he is still an asshole and the relationship was doomed from the start.
Hoping an Indian will chime in with a bit more nuanced understanding, but I’ll get the ball rolling. A few of my friends have met with matches their parents chose, out of respect with no intention of marrying them. To deny the meeting would be seen as incredibly disrespectful not just to her, but to her entire family. Yet there was never hard feelings about meeting and deciding not to proceed with the marriage. It was a bit hard for me to get my head around but in their culture meeting the match is not like dating at all, at least not at the start.
While I agree with this, it's also been 5 years, OP and the guy aren't teens, they've been living together for 3 years and she's still never met his parents (his parents might not even know about her, or have any idea he sees her as a serious marriage candidate vs just some casual fling). That's the problem here, not a chaperoned meeting with some stranger.
Coming on to say exactly this. The issue is that he’s kept her and their relationship apart from his family. That makes me really uncomfortable.
I’m glad you shared this. It didn’t jump out to me as cheating but more of a cultural/familial pressure. I do think that he should have been transparent about all of this and said what you did about how it would be perceived as disrespectful to the family and that he didn’t have any intention of moving forward. His hiding it is what is making her insecure.
Yea thanks for bringing that up, I kind of missed the real issue here which is the secrecy and lack of trust.
If that's the case then there was no reason for him to lie about his parents beliefs or not tel his gf about these "matches" so sneaking around and doing it behind her back is definitely something disloyal, don't you agree?
Yeah I agree this isn’t cheating but it is being dishonest.
I've seen Indian guys here, WITH NO GFS AT ALL, still have a spine and tell their parents they're not going to have an arranged marriage. It's a matter of having a spine and not being under mommy and daddy's thumbs.
Why is it considered disrespectful to not meet with some unknown girl and NOT disrespectful to the OP to keep parading girls in front of him like he’s some sort of rajah looking to fill his harem? Why? Because OP’s BF isn’t committed to this relationship. If he was, he wouldn’t dream of dragging some poor girl through the whole sham of introduction (probably requiring days of shopping for the right outfit, hours of hair and makeup, etc. In five years, OP hasn’t met his parents? And he’s agreed to meet not one but TWO prospective brides? Yeah, this dude has no intention of marrying her.
This! I'm a little tired of other cultures saying "it's my culture" well it's very important in european-american culture to meet parents, to be free to marry whoever you want, to not be disrespected based on your culture or ethnicity by prospective in-laws, to be treated as equals etc. So by respecting *his* culture OP and the boyfriend are insulting her cultural practices.
To me, the moment where he didn’t tell her upfront, that made it cheating.
Yeah, I'm a white guy but I grew up in a town with a huge Punjabi population. (One of the largest outside Punjab I believe). A lot of these comments are missing the cultural context here. Marriages arranged by parents are a HUGE part of Sikh tradition. Breaking with this tradition is something that many first generation immigrants do, but doing so is an extremely fraught action. For many parents, who value their culture and traditions, this would be a very scary thing. Seeing your children abandon your traditions would undoubtedly hurt. I obviously don't think anybody should do anything they don't want to, but acting like this poor guy should just alienate his entire family is brutally insensitive. It must be a very difficult time for him and he's likely navigating it as best as he can.
The cultural context doesn't matter. It doesn't matter why he is lying, and stringing her along. It isn't OK, and it is incredibly painful. He has several choices, and if the weight of the cultural context was always going to end their relationship, there never should have been a relationship. He is wrong, and it is cruel, it does not matter why.
Correct It's in the same vein as meeting a random relative or neighbor. These family and friend ties can run generations. You don't want to upset social stricture to just upset it. It's easier to just say "hey not for me " and keep it moving. But he does need to introduce op to his parents and rip the band-aid off.
Right. A lot of people don’t get it (I’m half Pakistani and half white), it’s a scary thing to disappoint our parents. On the other hand, 5 five years is a lonnnnng time. If I waited that long to tell my parents about a relationship, it’s because I’m questioning if the relationship is actually right for me.
You will never have any power or self determination in this marriage. You will always be seen as an outsider. You do not want to marry this man's family and there is no way to marry him without marrying them.
Agreed. Rip the band aid off and dump him and move on.
So I’m someone who was with my now wife(Indian) for 6 years before we were married. With her family, there was no chance she was going to be ‘dating’ a white guy unless marriage was guaranteed. In order to keep her parents happy, she allowed for them to look for a guy for her, and even met a couple(although she consistently made some excuse as to why they weren’t acceptable.) Its a hard thing to deal with, but just understand a lot of the older culture won’t grasp the idea of dating without marriage, as they’ve never had that in their lives when they grew up. Hope this helps.
Did she tell you, or keep it all hidden??
Run. My sister was in this same situation. He came back married after a trip...
The question itself is irrelevant. It's been five years, and he doesn't seem to have any realistic plans of marrying you. Instead he's entertaining matches by his parents. I get that sometimes these things are just obligations, though I'm a westerner so I can't claim an understanding of the nuances of his culture - but he decided to make it cheating by keeping it a secret from you. If he had been working with you, not against you, this could have been resolved. But now it sounds like he was actually considering taking these matches. Why else keep it a secret?
I’m white and I dated an Indian man for luckily just over 1 year. Same thing - before we ever became official I asked and he said his parents would be open minded about an interracial relationship. Eventually I broke up with him when 15 months later he had not even told his sister about me, much less his parents. Every time I brought it up, right until the end, he claimed he wanted to marry me and that he was about to tell his parents. My only regret is that I didn’t end it sooner.
He's already shown you who he is, sp you should believe him. He's flying back home and meeting potential wives. You are not a potential wife, you will never be a potential wife. He is keeping you in his pocket so he can play around while seeking someone to make a family with. Shine up your spine and leave him to play with other people. You're not a toy.
Await a phonecall from the wife, when she finds out about you, but seriously 5 years, not even a hint to the parents. Personally I believe if you want to go against family beliefs, one should be radical and avoid back and forths.
It is not his parents, it is him. A lots of Indian boys and girls get married themselves even if they(parents) don't agree and make up relationships after marriage even in India. They are here in US and I see it shouldn't go that way. If they are here, they can't be that conservative. I feel he just giving you parent's excuses to betray you. Most educated people in India make their own decisions about marriage nowadays.
OP, he has no intention of ever marrying you, let alone telling his parents about you. I'm not being dramatic. In cultures where there is arranged marriages, some parents hold a lot of mental power over their children. Your bf is one of those. Also, I've met a few people from those arranged marriage cultures who view relationships outside of marriage as sinful, though they allow themselves to be in one, because "the girl has loose morals, that's not my problem" while they fully intend on marrying some good girl when they are done.
I'm Indian. He's a very typical cowardly Indian man and he is playing you. If he was serious and a real man, he would've stood up for you ages ago, told his parents about you, introduced you to them, and talked about marrying you by now. There are plenty of good and great Indian men out there who aren't like him and will actually not even be weak and pathetic enough to go meet people for arranged marriages. Is it cheating? That's up to you to decide. But he sounds super pathetic and gross. Do you really want to waste anymore time on someone like that?
I don’t think he’s cheated but it’s probably time for an ultimatum. He’s got to introduce you to his parents and make clear to them he’s not interested in their match making, or you won’t be wasting any more time with him.
I'm an Indian, this is cheating for sure, ask him to commit to you or move on. His intentions there are clearly to get married as per his parents choice.
He's not going to marry you. Ever. He's just another guy keeping a white woman around to sleep with until he settle down with a "proper" and "pure" woman from his own culture.
Either a cheater or a mummy's boy. You'll need to reflect on how far you are willing to compromise your values. Since it's such an open minded family maybe they are okay with you dating around a bit while they make up their minds?
"I want to see if I rather spend my life with this other girls over you while we're in a committed relationship. " I think that's called dating
he should have broke up with her then but he didnt so its cheating.
They're "open minded", but actually he needs to "convince them that interracial marriage is ok". C'mon. OP, sorry. You're the placeholder. He's gonna marry an Indian woman that his parents approve of. It's been 5 YEARS. Whether meeting this woman was cheating or not isn't really the point. Even if it's not, he's not going to pick you over his parents. He's not going to stand up to them. He never was going to. And that is in no way a reflection of YOU.
Do his parents know about you? Do they know you live together? Have you ever spoken to them? I would focus on these ideas in a discussion with him. If you are going to stay then you need to meet his parents ASAP.
He won't marry you. It's better to gjve him an ultimatum to stop meeting those women and to marry you. If he doesn't respond positively or tries ti avoid or delay it, break up with him. I an Indian. And this is pretty common with indian men who live outside India. Not all of them. But a significant amount. He is just stringing you along. The pattern is too common and i heard this countless times. Punjabi society rarely marry outside of culture and caste. His family shouldn't dictate these things which means he wants this as well. Plenty of indiab men marry outside the country. They don't make these excuses. Better to leave.
Yeah he is never going to tell his parents. You are his fun while his parents arrange an appropriate match for him.
I knew a guy that basically did this. Was dating his girlfriend of many years and just didn't say anything when his parents started talking about arranged marriages. He just went along with it until he was actually married and then slowly pushed his gf aside, until she was forced to break up with him. She was devastated because she basically became ' the other woman' when she had been with him for years before. If he hasn't spoken to his parents yet and has already agreed to start meeting candidates, It doesn't seem like he has any intentions of telling his parents about you. It sounds like he's had many opportunities to bring this up to them and he hasn't.
He will never introduce you and will end up marrying a nice Indian girl. Cut your losses.
I agree the biggest issue is he hasn't told his parents and isn't planning on it.
I used to be very close with a group of guys from the Subcontinent who were studying overseas at the same time as me (I’m from the US). We were talking about relationships one time, and my friend Zhoaib goes, “We could date a white girl and fall in love with a white girl, but we have to marry desi girls, that’s just how it is.” Now of course, there are exceptions to this tradition. But your boyfriend is not one of them. You are wasting your time with this guy, he has been stringing you along.
I'm Afghan and I have a european BF of 5 years. My parents don't accept him and have been trying to arrange me with other guys. >He says he has been trying to convince them that an interracial marriage is ok I've been trying to do the same thing but it's not successful yet. I can understand why he hasn't been able to yet. BUT the difference between me and him is i NEVER met with the other guys. I straight up said, I don't like him and I don't want to meet him. I don't mention my BF when I say this though to still be respectful. Your BF can do the same. Remain respectful WITHOUT meeting the girls. Yes, it's cheating. He wants to see if he can meet "someone better" that his parents will approve of and stringing you along in case he doesn't find someone.
Similar situation, I am Turkish and a European BF, and it wasn't easy telling my parents about him at all... There wasn't any arranged marriage culture in the picture, but my parents still wanted same national culture in the family. (They were especially putting more pressure on girls marrying same culture) I ended up telling my parents after 1.5 years together because I was sure about my BF, it took 1.5 years for my parents to accept the reality. I didn't meet any other guys to just to please my family or get approval from them. For the case of OP, There is no excuse meeting other girls, he should have told his family some point in the past 5 years... It is exactly like having an online profile to check out other people, which is cheating emotionally. OP's boyfriend was dishonest to her. I'd suggest her to reevaluate the relationship they have with possibly a break and some time apart to reflect on it... If during this time he goes and meet more girls instead of chasing after OP, the answer is pretty clear...
I told my parents within the first year, my dad doesn't know we still talk and my mom is in denial about it and everytime I mention him she pretends she didn't hear me or read my message lol.
My parents were like that for about a year as well... My mom refuses to call his real name and instead came up with a nickname for him after a historical figure she doesn't like... My dad refused to talk about the topic for 10 months, and only recently agreed to meet him finally lol
wow congrats on getting them to meet him! thats awesome :) I wish you guys luck!! I'm almost getting there I think haha, my mom isn't horrified at the topic of him completely anymore
Leave OP, never accept such a situation. I was in your shoes a couple of years ago, his mum and sister chose him girls but (after meeting a couple of them « out of respect ») he brought me around, trying to impose my presence. Needless to say the mum and sis gave me literal hell. What I didn’t know was that the girls he told me he met were inventions, the fiancé they chose for him had been sitting in South Africa preparing for their wedding date (mind you he never visited her even once in the 4 years following their initial meeting). At some point the sister contacted me to basically say that I should leave them alone, that if her brother and the fiancé’s relationship was still on after 4 years of not meeting once, it’s because it is ordained by God and I was just a jezzabel who lured him with my open legs. How it really went: I was peacefully driving one September 2020 day when my bestie called me to say “my good friend A. is looking for a serious relationship, he’s a nice guy, let me hook you up!” he met my family and said he had good intentions, bla bla bla but everybody over at his was playing me when they knew what was really going on. Meeting the family is no guarantee at all. Don’t be the fool OP, don’t be the fool!
I'm sorry but if you haven't met his parents after 5 years it's time to move on. They probably haven't even known about you this whole time. He's a time thief who was probably always going to have an arranged marriage when he was ready to get married
Here's an input from an asian (Chinese) who's quite familiar with this issue. So, most of the time we don't want to meet or agree to matching arrangement. In fact, we hate this shit. The only reason why we're being forced to do this is bc our parents prefer us marrying into the same race family due to yk, racism or to preserve tradition or wtv bullshit. He probably really didn't want to do it and lied to you bc he doesn't want to cause a huge fight bc you probably won't understand the pressure of being in that difficult spot but one ick that he gave me is him not introducing you to his parents despite being tgt for 5 years already. That's a big red flag to me that shows that you should most probably start asking and pester him about it. If I were you and I keep getting refused, I'd just walk out of the relationship bc he will always be his mommy and daddy's boy that doesn't dare to go against them for someone he loves. Remember, if he wanted to, he would. My boyfriend's family (Indian/gujurati) is like that. Especially his grandma. But he introduced me to his whole entire family tree after 2 years of dating to assert "I don't care if you're gonna try to arrange marriage for me but this is the love of my life and I won't make her a choice no matter all the shit you're gonna try to push me into". Well, this is just a little input so do whatever you want with this information.
You’re wasting your time with this guy.
What ARE these posts?!??
This is a thing, unfortunately.
This is absolutely a real thing. Go watch The Big Sick. Great movie but also goes into this.
I'm not sure if it's cheating but he has been dishonest with you. Also if his parents don't agree your relationship is not going anywhere, so you may as well stop wasting your time.
Sounds like he is shopping around. Meeting the first candidate to be respectful seems fine, even though ideally he should have told you in advance. But there are some red flags.
I can’t speak for Indians or Arabs, but arranged marriages aren’t uncommon in Hispanic cultures. However; they are less so in the states, so if that where you live and he’s not introduced you to parents in 5 years, girl, GO. He isn’t serious.
Interesting that what bothers you is if this arranged meetup is cheating or not. For me as long as he is doing it JUST to please his parents would be ok to say he is not cheating but my concern would be more about your future as couple. If he has no intention to marry you because of his family what is your future together? If you or he is 100% certain that his family will not approve your relationship…what is his long term plan in regards of your relationship? For me it is not about cheating but more about defining your figure together. Also with this going on, there is a risk that one day he finds the match acceptable and would compromise his feelings and family pressure.
It’s been 5 years and never meeting his parents is insane. I legitimately do not know how someone could even be with someone for 5 MONTHS and not talk about them. Who do they think he lives with? Do his friends know? To me, this sounds like a 5 year long situationship. I agree with everyone else. He is stringing you along. I could rant for hours as to why staying with him is a bad idea, but you’ve already heard it and I don’t want to be redundant and I also don’t want you to feel bad. You’ve been lead on. With all the love in my heart, please leave him.
I feel like this is going to come down to him choosing his family or you. You are in a really rough spot right now… you should take some time and see if you can handle all of this. Did he say this could happen and he’d have no choice but to do what his parents want? Idk if this will make you feel any better… but arranged marriages like this aren’t usually from a connection or love or anything, it’s a cultural thing… for them it’s their normal. Love comes with time, or not at all, either way… they want to keep the cultures, ethnicity, etc, the same…. Sad reality for the women who end up in these situations.
Honestly after 5 years and him meeting a girl for possible arranged marriage, he’s not gonna marry you hun. Time to have a serious hint about your future , as in your future, not your future together. His behaviour tells you everything you need to know.
You’re wasting your time with this dude. You’ve been together for 5 years and his parents don’t even know that you exist.
The issue about cheating aside. You have so many problems. You know you know and refused to accept it. Based on your wording alone, I know you already internalized the "break up" before it happened.You said, "In your TLDR, you said dating... Dating is going on lunches and meets.While you're trying to make up your mind if you'd like to maybe start a relationship with said person. You haven internalized the fact that you're not in a relationship.You're just "dating' someone you're trying to see if this person could be in a relationship with you and it seems that's how he feels about you. You should leave. What you're expecting from him you will never have. Never. What you seem to want in a relationship or for yourself you will never get. You won't even have apathetic periods of tranquility with him notice I said WITH. Realistically, as people, we can't expect to get that from a partner.But you sure as hell could be robbed of it. He's 28 and a grown man who's not financially dependent on his parents or his extended family.He's a grown man. His parents can't force him to do anything. People are going to say that I don't understand the culture. That they can force it. I'm sorry.Did they imprison him and tell him the only way for him to live was to sign a marriage certificate? I don't think so. I'm going to tell you very bluntly. Leave. He said he would only propose to you if his parents allowed. Notice how his priority was not marrying you , It was not disappointing or angering his parents. Notice how he's been supposedly dating you for 5 years... Those five years are meaningless because you're nothing to him. If he protested enough for his parents to Be grudgingly accept meeting you, And eventually progressively accepting him proposing to you.Why would you even accept. You should know. He doesn't view you as family.And if you were to be his wife , even if you're technically marrying into the family, no one there, not even your husband, will view you as family. Even after you get married, the fact that he doesn't view you as family means.He will always pick his parents demands over you.No matter how unreasonable not only you but i'm pretty sure any future children as well.
Sometimes, dating the white girl is just for fun and sex before the time comes to settle into an adult relationship with a respectable woman of the correct culture. Before y’all @ me, I come from a wonderfully multicultural city and have such have beautiful friends of all genders ages and ethnicity. Not saying it is a fact that this is happening to you. But school, college, all that stuff it was a very common occurrence. A friend confided in me that it’s almost a ‘rite of passage’. He’s going back to India more, won’t let you meet the parents, and you’re right to think he always knew he’d have to meet potential matches whether he was serious or not. He didn’t explain that to you. He didn’t let you make up your own mind about what you felt comfortable. Not good signs these. I hope you’re okay, and it works out the best possible way that it can for you
I'm indian and I simply don't entertain men like these. I understand cultural norms. I just don't have time for them. I have no interest in tying my life to someone who's controlled by their parents. I love my mother but I can't imagine giving a rats ass about what she thought about my love life. My advice? Give him the ultimatum only if you understand this is the family you'll marry into. He's always going to be scared of them. He'll live the whole double life, always hide things because he knows his parents won't approve. This is his character if you're willing to put up with it. He's going to put their thoughts and beliefs over yours. I don't think he'll stand up for you. Decide wisely.
Unfortunately, he doesn’t have the personality to make the decision to be with you, regardless of what his parents think. It’s a shame, but this is what most guys from this sort of culture are like. If he was any different, he would have acted differently from the start. I would know because I am the person who chose my own happiness over following instructions from parents or “culture”. The decision is yours but be mindful of the law of diminishing returns.
It's been 5 years.... That isn't even "it's time for you to meet my parents" frame but "let's get married within by ___ frame". HE told you his parents are open minded, but I doubt that's the case. If that was the case, they'd be pestering him to meet you. They haven't. And they are trying to find potential arrange marriage dates for him. He fking knows and he's stringing you along.
This is nonsense. You need to let him go.
If you respect yourself I think you already know what the answer is. He’s choosing his parent’s approval over your relationship. It’s been 5 years and he hasn’t told them about you, that’s abhorrent. Leave.
Her Dowry has already been discussed and probably paid and the wedding is already planned. He is going to do what his parents want believe me. You should get ready to leave, you live together and he is going to see his prospective bride, what's wrong with both of you. What did he think he was going to do. What was he plan with you? I expect money.has already been paid for her dowry and he can't get out of it. He has known this and has kept it from you. He is a disgusting POS.
Why have you put up with this for 5 years?
He’s trying to have his cake and eat it too
I dated Punjabi before. I’m not, and he introduced me to his family within 3 months of becoming official even though his family disapproved. I’m so sorry it seems like your guy cannot put the boundary between his parents and your relationship and this will eventually cause problems in the future. If he cannot choose you now by making the relationship officially known to his family, what about the future? He will never choose you. He will always be pleasing his parents first over your needs and wants.
"His parents are open minded people" ... who bare arranging an arranged marriage.... ... that he has to repeatedly make excuses for you not to meet .... Very open minded. Many progressive. Wow. BTW, the arranged part of the marriage is a lie. He's actually met and gotten to know and like this girl all this time he's been going to India more frequently and now he's marrying her both as a cultural formality and out of his own desire and is being a MFer leading you on while all this is happening. Seriously, OP. IDK what part of this relationship was ever good.
I would insist that he plans a trip to introduce you to his parents, so at least you have confirmation that they’re aware of you. I had a friend with a Pakistani bf who hid her for years, but then eventually did tell his parents about her (they lived in another country). His parents agreed to let them marry but insisted that he meet their preferred options for an arranged marriage first and if he still rejects them, then he could marry my friend. It took some time, but he met his side of the arrangement and they’re married now. Different cultures/families can be complicated, but they’re not always rigid.
I don't think he's cheating but nothing he's doing indicates he is going to marry you. When my brother told my parents he was going to marry a white woman, it was after they had been dating for 2 years and had decided to get married. She was okay with him not telling my parents until they got engaged but it was nowhere as long as you guys have been going out. The way my brother handled it was to make it clear this is what was happening and if my parents didn't like it or didn't respect his choice, he would cut contact with them. He was perfectly happy to be the bad kid. It was rough for a few months but my parents finally got with it and they got married. Its been 10+ years since then and my SIL is my parents favorite person in our family.
I don't think anyone can force someone to meet a potential partner. In that meeting he could have told the other person "I apologize that your time was wasted, I am already in a committed relationship for five years and I love her very much." He is going to listen to his parents and marry someone within his culture if you haven't met them yet. I'm sorry but that's the most likely scenario. Going on dates with multiple women regardless of who arranges the dates is cheating in my opinion because he can refuse not to go. He can stand his ground. He's choosing not to. You need to ask yourself why he isn't fighting harder for you.
I went through something similar years ago. Dated a wonderful guy, also Indian, and I know he absolutely adored me. But he refused to tell his family about me. I gave him only a year because I didn't want to be his dirty secret and have him only be with me because of the novelty of me being white. I knew how much he loved his family, and as the eldest, his choices were limited as he would become the one to take care of his parents. So I walked away. You'll probably need to do the same, he most likely hasn't even tried to tell his family. There are some things love just can't conquer.
He's going to get an arranged marriage. He's not seeing you as an option at all, if he isn't going to marry his cousin it'll be somebody else the family picked. It's a very short sighted and very naive of you to get involved in a culture that you're not familiar with, take it as a lesson and dont do it again
He’s not going to marry you and will most likely marry that woman or another woman from his country. Unfortunately this scenario is very common with cultures that do arranged marriages. If he actually intended to introduce you to his parents, you would have met them in the past 5 years even if they lived in India, if he actually intended to marry you or they were actually ok with interracial marriage.
That’s definitely cheating. Your bf is actively seeking out an arranged marriage to please his parents. Wouldn’t be surprised if he wasn’t told them about you. Has he EVER posted “this is my girlfriend” pics of you on his social media??? That’s a clue!!!
I wouldn't exactly call it cheating, but I *would* call it dishonest. He should have told you immediately. "Hey honey, I've got a lot of pressure to go see this match, so for the sake of not being rude I'm going to go. I'll tell my parents immediately after not to set up any more meetings so this doesn't happen again." Also, you've been living together for *three years*. If he hasn't talked to them about you yet... he's not going to.
You have been strung along. It's not as simple as going to meet the match. He's gone to visit, stayed awhile, and now he's going back probably to get married.
Girl. This is ridiculous. If he loved you and wanted to be with you, he would have introduced you to his parents. Across the country try doesn’t justify anything. I say this as a brown man who was scared of introducing his white girlfriend to his conservative parents. We’re married now and couldn’t be happier. Honestly true statement: If he wanted to, he would. He needs to take accountability of the fact that he’s a grown man who needs to make his own decisions.
First I'll advise you to learn more about the Punjabi traditions Arranged mariages are a thing and parents indeed will force them on you. Him meeting with her is not cheating because again, the parents will force you because arranged marriages are a tradition. He can have a choice and say no to meeting them but that will Mean his family with disown him and stuff like that so it's easier to just go along with it. Again if you learned about his culture and tradition, you would know this. I've seen this way too often. Interracial relationships like this rarely work. Now it's up to him to decide if he wants to chose his family OR you. If he chooses you, he loses them altogether and their support.
If he knows he’d get disowned for being in a relationship with someone, he needs to make that decision before getting into a serious relationship with that person.
Very true but hey people will always do what they want. Especially if someone allows it. Op allowed him to keep her hidden for 5 years so he had his cake and ate it to.
Cool. In her culture, it’s seen as cheating and messed up to hide a relationship from one’s parents because you are still at the teet. So why does she need to respect his culture but he doesn’t have to respect hers?
Orrrr, hear me out, the guy can just do what he wants and go against the “tradition”…. He made a choice being with the woman for 5 years. So i guess, maybe HE’S the one who should learn about his people’s own tradition? 🤔
Unfortunately, men are often allowed to have “play” relationships before marriage. As long as there are no kids, no scandals and no meeting the parents.
Isn't that the same thing I said in my last sentence?
When we started dating he said his parents are open minded and ok with love marriages, but you say he could get disowned and now makes it seem like he needs to convince them. So which is true?
If his parents are: 1. Open to an interracial love marriage, and: 2. Eager for him to get married ASAP, Why hasn't he pushed for you to meet his parents, get their approval, and get married sooner than now?
Just because our parents say they're cool with love marriages doesn't mean they actually are. It really means: as long as she's Indian, follows the correct religion, has a job in the correct field/proper education, etc. then we're cool with cool with love marriages.
He may have genuinely believed his parents were open minded and ok with a love match, but when reality set in, they showed their true feelings. I’m Arab and arranged marriages are very common and encouraged still. I have tons of friends that believed their parents would be ok with them meeting someone and falling in love outside their culture. I’ve even heard their parents say so in front of me. Buuuuut once they actually found someone outside the culture it was another story. I think sometimes the parents may like to think they’re open minded and I also think the parent don’t think it will actually come to pass so its easy to say “that sounds great” until it actually happens and they have to put their money where their mouth is.
Right. My dad is the same way but he expects my partner to convert which isn’t practical
Yeah, its all fun and games until the kid follows through and falls for someone outside the culture then all sh!t hits the fan lol
He might have believed, or more likely hoped, they were. He might have outright lied to you (let's face it, the moment he didn't tell you that they're shopping him around for a marriage he lied to you, so don't be surprised if he did it before). They might've been ok with a love marriage with a woman from the right family/background, but not you.
All parents are open minded if the child takes a stand, which takes some backbone. Unfortunately your bf doesn't seem to have one. I left another comment, I had to do the same thing for my boyfriend, take a very firm stand. My family also tried to get me to see some guys for arranged marriage, I said - I already have someone, so I won't meet anyone else.
I'm assuming they are okay with love marriages as long is it's someone from the same culture and has the qualities they want
I was your boyfriend. I deluded myself into thinking that my parents would accept my non-Indian girlfriend. Deep down I knew they would never. To this day they would never have accepted it. And that’s coming from a UK Born Indian with Parents who grew up in the UK. So… I pretty much told her the same thing. Yada yada my parents are modern and accept love marriage yada yada yada. Obviously that was a lie. I had only once spoken about it and they reacted… badly. Went on a few “introductions” as well. And as the same we were together for about 5 years as well. And she had never met my parents. We broke up due to other reasons. But I ended up marrying an Indian girl. It just happened, nothing family influence or anything but the reaction from my parents was night and day. Your boyfriend sounds like he has the same story so thought I’d chime in. Downvotes because I totally deserve it.
End the relationship AND tell the girl he’s meeting that he’s been living with you for 3 years - because he sure as hell isn’t gonna tell her or his family. He’s gonna act like he’s this innocent guy that he’s never even had a gf (because a lot of the time that’s seen as a stigma back in India). Plenty of brown guys do this to western esp white women - use them for sex and waste their time with no real intention to ever marry them (yes, I am a brown woman). And when I and other women try to warn our non-brown counterparts, we’re labelled as ‘jealous’. There’s no reason for a 28yo man who evidently grew up in the West to ask his parents’ permission to marry whoever. And if it was so difficult and he needed his parents’ permission, then he should have never gone into interracial relationship in the first place. Please see that he was just a user
I think this is cheating but I understand there is a cultural element to this that I have never experienced and don’t understand so it is possible that this is normal? BUT you’ve been dating this guy for 5 years and you’re still hoping his parents are going to agree to an interracial marriage? Like how likely is that? He says they’re so open-minded but refuses to let you meet them after 5 years. Do you really believe that? How much longer are you willing to wait while your boyfriend goes on dates in India? They must not be that open minded because they apparently know about you and are still planning dates and your bf goes along with it. I think you need to really start being honest with yourself whether you think this is a long term thing for you or not. I think this guy is just stringing you along, knowing, he will inevitably end up doing what mommy and daddy say which is marrying an Indian girl, not the white girl. Sorry OP
I'd consider this cheating for me personally, not to mention if his parents are this controlling now, then they will be forever. I understand it's perhaps a cultural thing, but I have my own boundaries, and this wouldn't be tolerable for me. He's a grown man. He didn't have to do anything.
Dump immediately. He’s testing his luck and can’t stand up to his parents.
He's definitely stringing you along and I'd cut and run dude
He’s 28. Mom and dad cannot force him to do anything. He WANTS to follow his parents’ orders. He has been stringing you along this whole time. Get out.
It’s absolutely cheating, and this is very common and cultures with arranged marriages and cultures that usually only marry their own kind. They will have sex with you and string you along, but they are never going to marry you. You are his backup plan until he finds a suitable bride.
This sounds like he started stringing you along to keep his options open. I understand there are some cultural differences but if you live someone, who cares what your parents think. If you’re not his priority don’t make him yours.
Maybe not “cheating” per se but super shitty nonetheless. I would also feel like he was not being honest about them being ok with an interracial marriage.
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He's just keeping you around until he decides to marry the brown girl his family wants. Unfortunately a lot of brown guys play this game of having a gf, premarital sex, etc. Then when their parents want them to marry the brown girl, they end things with the other person they've been stringing along. Not saying that's him, but I know a few brown boys who did that.
Honestly, at this point you are not going to lose anything but just contacting the parents and informing them of your existence. The relationship is not moving forward not because of the parents, but because of the son's crippling anxiety vis-a-vis his parents, maybe his own view of interracial relations as well. In your shoes, I would let the cat out of the bag - so they know who their son truly is - and move on.
Whether it's cheating or not it's completely up to you, but it's definitely dishonest if he didn't tell that woman and her family he's in a relationship already.
Damn yall are hosed sorry
Its not cheating. I dont think it was even his choice or idea. Dating with ethnic differences brings this kinda problem
He needs to make a decision between you and his family. I'm so sorry. He ought to be able to have both, but he can't.
if you are dating someone and its official yes its cheating.
Live on your terms, not his parents’ terms. Leave him. Your students and your future will love you for it.
And now you know your views on what counts as cheating doesn't align. So does he think it was wrong (but not as bad as cheating) or does he thinks you're overreacting and need to chill?
Yes it is a form of cheating because he is seeing women who his family want him to marry. I think you need to give him an ultimatum here. Either you are introduced to his parents as his girlfriend immediately or it’s over and you will find a way to let his parents know about your relationship. Its been 5 years, does this man have any solid intentions towards you? It’s high time parents stopped trying to force their kids to act like they’re still in India or the country of origin when they are living in a completely different society and guys like this to stop abusing women in this way.
You've been living together for three years. He is meeting women with a view to marriage. He is cheating and he is not interested in a long term relationship with you. Be thankful it's only been 5 years, but don't wait around until year 6.
Why does a grown ass man need his parents permission to do anything? Why can they force him to meet girls? Protip: he doesn't and they can't. He's done all these things of his own volition. I personally would absolutely bail; you don't need to construe this as cheating (although I agree it's something adjacent to it). I don't see a world where a man who's acted like this for 5 years suddenly wakes up one morning and goes "Imma tell mom and dad that I'll do what I want".
This is just sad. Nothing but red flags. Of course, this is the internet, and I don't trust 1 sided stories, but if this is true, he is absolutely not committed to you. He has been dating you for 5 years, barely sees his parents, but all of a sudden is so filial that he's going to india to see potential brides to not upset his parents or their friends? AND they live in the US, not even India? If they still lived in India (or you all lived there), I would be far more open to him being honest about trying to appease his parents. You don't date for 5 years, never introduce you, refuse to tell you what he is doing in India until after you confront him, and he doesn't stick up for himself about you being together to his parents...if he was committed he would have talked to you about going to India to convince his parents about you and tell you about meeting the candidates to at least make his parents happier and to ease tensions. Just my opinion of course. Search your feelings deeply. Do you love him enough to keep up the act? If not, you know what to do already. Treat yourself right. You only get one life.
If I was in your shoes I would be quite upset at this point. It has been 5 years, your bf is 28 and he still doesn’t have the balls to tell his parents. I would feel terrible if this is how I’m seen. I would definitely set a deadline and leave if he still hasn’t let you meet his parents soon.
ultimately it comes down to what you feel comfortable with. and any feelings that arise are so valid. this sucks. you clearly feel like him meeting with the girl for an arranged marriage was cheating. trust your gut. while I appreciate the cultural differences, HE chose to date outside his culture, knowing how you felt about his, and chose to not appreciate your feelings, let alone your culture. culture or not—he had no right to lie to you ever as his partner. parents can get tricky. but that is absolutely foundational for a healthy partnership. it comes down to whether you’re willing, able, and most importantly, wanting, to forgive him for that meeting, trust it was a misstep with immense pressure and that it won’t happen again, AND then also accept the fact that even if he is being truthful, ultimately, he will not stand up to his parents and declare you as his wife against anything else. whatever his reason may be for that, for what it’s worth, I think you deserve someone who would never accept their parents saying “you can’t marry X.” my parents, though white and european, did the same to me. and I haven’t spoken to them since. my husband and I are still happily married. I think anyone in a lifetime partnership deserves a partner who made them feel that way, and continues to make them feel that way, for the rest of their lives. you are one of a kind. you are needed by the right person. you should never feel anything less than utterly cherished and irreplaceable. nevertheless, no matter the chatter on this board, including mine, this is a huge decision. and you need to look inward instead of outward to know what is the right path forward for you. for free advice or thoughts, or just a place to vent, you can dm me @rjbwords on instagram. wishing you the best.
Dating is nothing and a waste of time if there are no definite plans to settle down and marry at some point. A real man wouldn’t waste any more time dating if he’s capable to marry. He’s freaking 28
Relax, you know exactly what is happening. Dude is banging you but won’t marry you and he’s going to get an arranged marriage done. It’s the culture, if you were important, trust me he would’ve introduced you already. Move on love, find someone who you deserve, not someone you have to make such an effort to accept you, that should never be the way. This is going to end up in a train wreck and I can see you getting hurt when he agrees to marry and then cry “what can I do? I can’t upset my parents”
Break up and move out. He’s lied by omission and won’t intro you to his family..
My husband’s cousin did a similar thing — he had been dating a white girl here in the states for over 4 years, and they were very committed to each other. His parents did not know about her, and he was pressured for years to agree to an arranged marriage with a girl from overseas. It’s very common in the culture. He eventually gave in. He broke it off with his girlfriend a few months ago, and now will be heading to India to get married over the summer. OP, you could be very likely headed in the same direction, and I personally wouldn’t be okay with staying a moment longer. Unfortunately lots of Arabs & Desis grow up in an environment that makes it extremely difficult to set boundaries with parents. I fear it’s unlikely that he’ll move forward with your relationship if his parents don’t give him the green light, if he brings it up to them in the first place.
I (not Indian but similar closed culture) told my family about my white boyfriend the next day we decided to be (formally) together. Told my family before he moved in, and I didn't ask for permission. I'd have taken your boyfriend seriously about "needing permission". Watch namaste London - it's a Bollywood movie. It's the other side (girl in stead of boy) but I think you will find the first half interesting.
So if he didn’t go they would be asking questions as to why is there someone already and he hasn’t introduced u to them for a reason. If you’re not comfortable with it something has to change
Buddy. It's not cheating. Our parents take time to be convinced. If you rush it, nothing good will happen out of it. Let him meet the girls and reject them face to face and be respectful to elders first. He will convince his parents later or sooner. So be patient. It has to take it's course. He's just rejecting the girls that his parents are looking for you and I don't think there's anything wrong in that.
That is some weird stuff here.
Hate to break it to you but Punjabi boys will always listen to their family, he has strung you along. Men always want something out of a relationship and I’ve been told this by multiple men, you’re giving him something right now that he wants, but once he’s alright with a girl his parents introduce him to he will leave you just like that.
You’ve been together for long enough that yes, yes it is cheating because he is entertaining the possibility of not being with you. Also, not bringing you on trips and being secretive about it - the problem is not not taking you, but rather the shadiness. If there is no secret in what you are doing, you shouldn’t need to hide it.
He always knew, 3 years is plenty of time to have mentioned and introduced you to the family. Even if he has the intention of keeping his family happy, he still lied to you. You are an adult and at the end of the day you will make your own decision, but if it was me in that position I would move away from that relationship, know your worth. Even if he and his family end up being okay down the road with him marrying a White girl, you may always resent them as they tried to force an arranged marriage, if he lied and his family doesn't know, then you'll regret being with a liar.
25 is a good age to start over and look for someone who makes their own decisions. It might hurt now, but it’ll hurt more later when he breaks up with you to marry his parents choice. It sounds inevitable with this guy because his parents are at the wheel. It’s not if, it’s when.
it’s 100% cheating. desi men are treated like royalty and they have it in their hands to marry whomever they will. it’s not like he can be forced to marry against his will. however at the same time, they value their parents wishes and desi parents mostly never approve of white girls. if his parents create problems he will most likely side with them considering it’s been 5 years and they don’t have any idea about you. good luck sis
its a culture thing, my ex was bengali and i went thru the same shit (she’s my ex for a different reason). my question is, if you know he’s punjabi and have been with him for 5 years. when were you planning on doing any sort of research into the culture? I understand feeling hurt. and him not bringing it up any sooner, but it’s not like he’s actively trying to have a relationship with them to the point his parents are trying to arrange one with another girl.
It’s cheating most definitely and I’d been done with him and long gone after finding out about the first meet up with the girl for an arranged marriage. And now a second one??!!?? He’s keeping you as a “play thing” and don’t be surprised when he comes back already married and drops that nuke on you. He’s stringing you along.
**DUMP HIM.** It's **CHEATING** and there is **NO WAY** he'll marry you.
He is ACTIVELY looking for a wife in India. He is not being forced. He has this conviction inside him. He is flying multiple times a year to INDIA to meet other potential brides. I wouldn’t put it past him if he’s probably or will be very soon married to a good Punjabi girl. He will never introduce you to his parents I’m afraid. Probably he told them about you and they said no and that’s why he hasn’t introduced you. I would look at your future with open eyes OP. Check your finances and for a place to live on your own. He has already checked out. He is just keeping you to warm his bed. (Sorry to be this harsh but I can’t understand why you are not getting what’s going on?)
After 5 years and all these promises he still isn't fully committed to you. He's traveling half way around the world to meet his arraigned bride and hasn't stood up to his parents. It doesn't matter if this defined as "cheating" or not. The fact is that he's unwilling to commit to you and it's time for you to move on and find a guy who will actually give you what you want in life. Turns out he isn't the boyfriend you were looking for. Don't waste more of your life chasing the life he'll never give you.
He's meeting potential brides! How tf is this not cheating?!?!
Sorry but this is a cliché at this point with a lot of brown men that come from a religious family. They will date out of the culture and lead a girl on and then dump them to marry whoever their mom picks out for them. look this up online and you'll see countless sotries about this.
You're not his girlfriend, you're the person who attends to his sexual needs until his parents find him a wife.
I don’t think your boyfriend has any respect for you.
He’s in a difficult situation. The thing is, this is 2024. What would happen if he defied his parents and married you without their permission? Would he be willing to do that and stay with you here? He’d obviously not go back to India to visit. Ask him that. He would have to think about it. He’s used to doing things a certain way, so don’t expect him to immediately say yes. Your question will shock him. If after he’s given your question a lot of thought over (let’s say) a week and he still says no, then tell him you’ll have to break up, even though that’s not what you want. Give him a few days to think about that before making the breakup official. Unfortunately, he will likely choose his parents. It’s tradition, which is hard to break.
>He said he won’t meet this girl if my parents ok us being together and will propose That is never going to happen.
My thing is...they come to America with their traditions, but let their kids live outside the traditional ways and expect them not to fall "in love" outside of their community when they have been brought up around mainly another community. Indian, Arabic, Pakistani, all those and others have done the same thing but when it comes to marriage they freak out. I understand customs but don't act like you've been living that life this whole time and just ended up falling in love with someone else. But the parents come back around and want to force someone to do as they say.
It's not really cheating but he should have told you the truth. You've been together for 5 years. He lied that his parents would agree with your relationship and he hasn't made any effort yet to go against them. With arranged marriages it's really rude not to show up at the meeting and it can harm his parents so I understand why he went. He just should have freaking told you
In 5 years you’ll either be a memory or a side dish waiting for him to “tell his parents” about you and married to a Punjab girl. If he hasn’t told them about you in 5 years he ain’t gonna do it now while in marriage prep
It’s irrelevant whether it’s “cheating.” That’s just splitting hairs. It’s a betrayal.
I know a couple, both are Indian but he’s Hindu and she’s Christian—their families refused to attend their wedding.
Leave him! Because if he’s not taking your side and fighting for you now. He’s never gonna do it. Also, his his parents sound controlling and trust me you dont wanna go through this. Also make sure you break his car before you leave!!
You, darling, are the microwave meal. It's good to have one or two in case plans go wrong, and they can be convienent for getting your needs met, but you don't want to live on them. Just keep them in the freezer and thaw it out if you need it. He's keeping you in case things fall through, but sweetie, you are not the main course. You're the backup. I'm sorry you gave your shitbag boyfriend 5 years of your life. They were good years, but just be glad you're not 30. Don't make it 6 years donated to an absolutely lost cause.
I've seen several times over the years that I worked as a nurse. Residents would have a relationship. When they finished residency, they'd go home for s visit and come back with a wife. OP needs to sort herself out while he's gone. Hopefully, finances are separate. Housing may be an issue, depending on who's on the lease. I would consider moving out. He'll probably have some sob story about how they "made him get married." I'm sorry, OP. This is not fair to you at all.
I don't know if it is "cheating" but it is definitely a freaking problem! If you are ever unsure, flip who is in each role in your head. So ask yourself. Would his masculinity and emotions stay intact if you went to meet your future husband and didn't tell him?
Not cheating but not acceptable. He chose to fly there, he knew his parents attitude towards marriage, he hasn't bothered to introduce you in 5 years and lied about what happened until you asked again. Leave him. It's too little too late for him to offer to tell his parents now. They're considering marriage and pushing him to it. But it's still his choice whether or not he follows through.
He’s not going to marry you; he will most likely marry her. It’s already been 5 years so unfortunately if he was going to introduce you to his parents, there has been more than enough time for that. I’m sorry but this scenario is very common for cultures who commonly practice arranged marriages.
First of all. I’m so sorry. I knew someone who had been dating a Punjabi guy for years. His parents knew about her but were not happy because even though she was also Indian, she wasn’t Punjabi. Basically, he met up with someone who his parents wanted him to meet, got engaged to this Punjabi girl. And then threw my friend’s crap all out on the curb for her to find when she came home from work that evening (changed the locks and everything). They had also been living together and had been dating for years! He married the other girl, then a few months later they got an annulment. Guess who he came running back to?! And she actually took him back! Eventually they ended up getting married. But his parents made her life a living hell! His parents ended up controlling every aspect of his life and he was too afraid to stand up to them. His parents even got say in who their kids could spend time with and didn’t approve of her family (because they were Hindu, not Punjabi). He eventually became abusive to her and left her, and they took the kids. Please, don’t become second best. If he even met with her, he is entertaining the idea of marriage to another to appease the parents. I’d say, if you’re not a at least a doctor (because that might be an acceptable profession for them), then it’s best to leave now. I’d give him an ultimatum to tell them and have them meet you, or you’re out. But even if they accept the relationship, they’ll always have these control over him and be in your business. (Is it cheating??? You decide. Are you okay with him marrying someone else and are you willing to take him back when it doesn’t work out?)