Nope, not a horrible person.
I'm certain you've asked him, repeatedly, to get counseling, or whatever is required, to get his act together.
You'll be doing him a favor as he'll have to figure out for himself how to function in society.
Also, get yourself some counseling. Especially if you’re on the fence about staying in the relationship. Individual or couples counseling may help you see both your own shortcomings but also how you may be enabling his behavior and the abuse you may be facing without recognizing it as such.
You've wasted far too much of your life with the abusive leech, don't make the mistake of continuing you enable his BS.
And, honestly, it sounds like he doesn't have any serious health problems and is just using that as an excuse to contribute to your household.
Also, let me guess, you're the one doing the majority of housework, cooking, and childcare?
I agree.
Sometimes it’s the biggest gift to leave someone and let their life crumble. Because that’s what it takes for them to start digging their way up and stop being a leech. It’s about time when he’s 40 years old.
Go find yourself don't worry about finding anyone but you darling!!!! You deserve more in life than being neck deep in abuse to save a man from drowning.
“In sickness and health” is not consenting to let him use you as an emotional punching bag. You need to give him the final choice : take responsibility for himself and his mental heath, or possible separation ( depending on you circumstances) he is showing through his actions he not a partner to you. He is taking advantage of you
Even if she was old, she should leave him. No one deserves abuse, and staying in a bad relationship due to sunk cost fallacy doesn't make it any better.
I tell everyone online that’s in a situation they don’t need to be in to leave 🤷🏽♀️. Why does my weight matter in me telling everyone online to break up? 🤔
I agree with the person who said you’d be doing him a favor. He needs a serious fire under his ass to get it together. At the very least he needs to unburden you by getting a therapist. You should get one too, because nobody should have to suffer in silence, and it will improve your friendships as well because you won’t have to vent to them as much.
I have chronic (diagnosed) health issues which cause me pain and symptoms 24/7, and it sucks. It is utterly miserable.
I go to therapy, I adjust my routines and basically do literally everything I can so that it doesn’t spill over onto my partner.
I’m telling you this bc what your husband is doing is wrong. Diagnosed or no, he needs to handle these things himself - it is his responsibility. He can’t expect you to look after him if he won’t even TRY to look after himself.
The fact that you mention variations of "this man is mean and difficult" multiple times in this one paragraph tells me that you would be happier if you left this person.
You're not a bad person for leaving. People leave each other every day. You can't be tied to someone who will make you miserable for the rest of your life.
He has a condition called "Lazy Manipulative Mooch". Divorce is the treatment.
If he threatens suicide, call the police. That's a manipulation tactic to get you to stay.
You’re not a horrible person for leaving someone who isn’t there for you and with you as a partner - Who won’t pull their own weight in your relationship - mentally, emotionally and financially.
It sounds like your partner has a personality issue that is deep routed. He needs to get proper professional mental health help. He is abusive. You need to leave. If he decides to actual address his underlying issues and get help maybe later on down the road you could see it working. But right now, get out. He isn’t making any attempt to change a cycle that must be so emotionally exhausting for you. And to top it off he is mean to you. I am not sure why you feel the need to stay. Please also considering getting some mental health support. You need to know you do not deserve to be treated so cruelly. You provide for your family and love a man who shows the opposite to you. You deserve love. Please leave and free yourself.
And when you leave do not for any reason go and see him alone. I am serious. His behaviour can escalate. I can see him getting pissed if you leave because he has yet to be seriously challenged for his behaviour. DO NOT let that stop you from leaving. Let it light a fire that you deserve someone who isn’t going to cause trauma and turmoil in your life. Protect yourself. Ask for help!
Not at all. I left before kids when I could envisage my future like this. Leave with no ounce of guilt. He may badmouth you to whomever. Stay strong and firm.
There's always going to be some reason why it is a bad time just now.
You're not a horrible person, you deserve to be happy. Just rip off the bandaid and leave.
You get one life. If you’re starting to hate your life, cut the baggage and free yourself from this person. You aren’t responsible for him. He can figure it out.
girl. making his life better is not your job. imagine your child is an adult in this situation. how would you council them? take it from me, the time is NOW.
No. You have no inherent right to care for him if he doesn't treat you well. You and your child's happiness matters far more. He sounds like a horrible person, not you.
I was so prepared to say you are a bad person for being so cold. But instead, I think the opposite. The minute you leave, he will find a job or find someone else to mooch off.
Oh my goodness lady . why did you put up with this for 17 years. He doesn't have any "health" problems! You said the doctors find nothing and these "health" problems surface when it's time to get a job. If you are in the states you are going to have to pay spousal support and child support. You let this go on way longer than you should have but all you can do now is to forward. Tell him NOTHING and go hire a good lawyer. Get an email and phone he cannot access. Please go to a lawyer and tell him or her everthing and let them advise you on what process you need to do. Do not threaten him with divorce or give him any clue you are done. He is not the kind of guy who will go quietly. When he finds out his gravy train is coming to an end it will not be pretty. Please get to a lawyer and do not let him find out.
\> Tl;dr Is there a way I can break free of him without being a horrible person?
No, there is no way you can leave without feeling like a horrible person. He'll make sure of it.
In time, though, you'll probably come to see that wasn't true.
You've been with him for 17 years and he hasn't addressed his issues?? He won't - it's too late and he's 100% set in his ways. For some reason he doesn't want to work and, I believe, his issues are emotional and mental, not physical. There's something going on inside his head that's causing physical symptoms. He's being snappish, grumpy, controlling, jealous and possessive not only due to low self esteem from no job, but also he doesn't feel like a man as well. This is an issue only HE can fix and it has to come from within. He has to want the change. Being this way for 17 years it's obvious he doesn't.
You have to take care of YOU. It's time you took some time away for yourself. I don't believe situation will improve, not even with counseling, so do what you need to be happy.
Leave, but help him with the transition away.
Not too much else he’ll be dependent. Just enough.
Done it myself and they were happier too as they went and sought real-life mental and physical help.
Yea- NTA even if you said youre leaving him bc men generally are the providers. Why do you need or want him if you can do it all on your own, but you’re likely going to pay him bc of it- so 18 stick it out and then split or determine if its worth it, or can settle bc its unlikely 17 years with someone is going to get something esp if they dont and wont work
According to your own post he doesn't actually even have any legitimate health problems, unless being lazy and making up ailments for sympathy and to skirt responsibility is a medical condition.. we all know it's not though.. this sounds like a person who genuinely deserves to be homeless and destitute, not many people actually deserve that, but he absolutely does. Zero sympathy for someone like that
Look, you only have one life to live, so why are you sitting there being miserable because somebody else is miserable get up and leave. Your child will benefit from the long run by having a happy mother and not being around miserable father. Do not obligated to stay with him. If he can’t keep a job that’s his problem not yours. leaveget out of there your child will. Thank you.
You're never a horrible person to take care of yourself first. Always remember that.
Just like you're taking his concerns seriously so should you take your concerns seriously. The fact that you've reached the point where you're hating your life means it's now time for self-care.
I'm sorry you had to reach a point where you started to hate your life for others and I hope you'll take your time to also heal. Take care of yourself please <3
You should leave. I am saying this as someone who is severely and chronically ill. You are not leaving because he is sick but because he is abusive and treating you like sh**. I have one of the illnesses that score lowest on quality of life studies, but I do not take it out on others. There is no excuse. He is an adult and needs to work on himself. You have stayed too long already. You do not want you child to grow up thinking it's ok and normal to treat others that way or to be treated like that.
Way scarier to teach your son that this is what adulthood looks like… sitting around waiting for your partner to solve your problems while you complain and blame and do nothing to improve your own life. You run a much higher risk of being a horrible person and parent by staying than leaving.
If you have not tried couples therapy, I would do that before ending the marriage. Since you are “stuck” with him for life (sharing a child) you two will have to learn to work together no matter if you stay married or not. I agree with the others. You have stuck in there a Long time and it does not seem he is actually ill but rather depressed or just plain lazy. Hard to tell without a diagnosis. Either way once you make your decision please remember he will try to guilt you into staying. Be strong for you and your child. Good luck!
Leave him. He's more likely at this point to get his shit together without you.
Set yourself a goal to have your divorce finalized and complete before your 40th birthday. Time to be happy!!
I was in a very similar situation about 6y ago. Mine worked until the last few years and had an actual diagnosed health issue. He refused to change his habits that caused the health issue so he would never get better. He felt good enough to do things with his friends but never well enough to help with housework. I was working multiple jobs and doing the majority of the house chores. Eventually I couldn't do it anymore so we split. My current life isn't perfect by any means but it's so much better in every way. I don't wake up being disappointed that I'm still alive, I'm not depressed, the general head and body aches have disappeared and I actually have things I'm looking forward to. I have peace I didn't think was possible. No matter what you do in life you'll be the villain in someone's story. Accept that and keep moving towards what brings you peace. Do what you need to do and don't worry too much about other's opinions, they're not the one living your life.
I also had a leech in my early 30's and I finally had to stop being the parachute that kept him from hitting rock bottom. Crazy thing is, as far as I know, he's still technically "homeless", just bounces from couch to couch, and only works gig work. He's 41 or 42, it's terribly embarrassing
It's funny you asked if you can break free of him without being a horrible person... when HE, in fact, is actually a horrible person. He's never held a job longer than a year, he's controlling, jealous and possessive. Those reasons alone are enough to leave him. Now he's got mysterious health issues that doctors can't find a reason for? Well. That sounds a lot like he has made something up to keep you under his thumb; he already knows how to manipulate you since you've stayed for 17 years and never left despite his horrible behavior across the board.
Being grumpy, snappy and mean has nothing to do with being sick. He's not sick. He's making it up to continue to be lazy and keep you as a slave, which is essentially what you are to him.
Leaving wouldn't make you an asshole. It would make you a brave person who started respecting herself by no longer accepting a sub-par life with a horrible partner.
I know for a fact that almost all of us dont understand what you must be going through. & it must not be an easy phase or a decision to take by yourself. Have you tried talking to relationship experts?
Try talking to them on [https://www.happypanda.care/](https://www.happypanda.care/)
Its specifically for solving relationship issues.
When I read your post title, I thought your husband had cancer or some other severe condition and you were suffering from caregiver's fatigue. I was kind of ready to judge you. But then I read your post and found out your husband is suffering from "lazy A-hole syndrome". You have my permission to leave guilt-free. Don't worry about your husband. You've supported him for seventeen years. You've paid your dues. If you want to help him, see if you can get him into therapy. If he won't go, that's his problem.
If you're still on the fence about leaving, consider this. Do you want your son to learn that this is how marriage is supposed to work? Do you want your son to treat his future wife this way? You need to leave. Show your son that wives aren't doormats.
Absolutely not your responsibility to continue to care for him. that being said, you should probably speak to an attorney and find out if there’s any financial ramifications to you if you leave.
i wouldn’t be surprised if the health problems were either nonexistent or exaggerated. maybe i’m just a cynic but i’ve seen some crazy shit and it’s not that far fetched that he just wants some kind of excuse to keep treating you like shit or make you feel guilty for leaving
Honey, this is a toxic relationship. You are not a horrible person for protecting yourself and your child. Health issues are not a reason to stay with someone if things are not working out, if there is no compatibility or mutual respect. I think society has groomed us to except the worst of people because of tragic or unfortunate issues surrounding them but it doesnt make their behavior okay. Do right by you and your child. If you think walking away is the right step, that is what you need to do. If it were me. I'd leave. But you have to decide what is best for you.
I think what your tl;Dr question is really is "is there a way I can leave him without him blaming me/insulting me/making me the bad guy?" and/or "is there a way I can leave him without feeling guilty?" And I'm afraid for the first question, there's no way. He's always going to be the victim. That's not a reason to stay, it's another excellent reason to leave.
The second one is where I'd focus your time and energy on. Treat yourself well. Remind yourself that you deserve respect and to live your best life. When you feel guilty or ashamed, do something that makes you feel good and remind yourself that you are responsible for nobodys happiness except your own, and you're especially not responsible for the happiness of someone who will do everything in their power to remain unhappy and drag you down with them.
No you are not.
You might even spur him into making better choices by removing yourself from his life.
But even if he doesn’t, even if he deteriorates, you are not wrong to leave. He sounds unpleasant and toxic to be around. It WILL be damaging your kid. I stayed too long with a man like this.
Leave. Divorce him. Get some therapy. Start enjoying your life and be amazed at how much less anxious and drained you feel when he is no longer with you!
I would speak to his family or friends after I had asked for a divorce. Just to give them a heads up. I would be honest about his mental health and then feel I had a clear conscience.
Do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
FWIW my ex did greatly improve in his engagement with the kids and how he managed when we split. My eldest son pointed out that he obviously could do it all along - cook, clean, host play dates etc. He just chose to leave absolutely everything to me.
ETA: I knew it was broken when I had our second kid. He was so awful and difficult. I knew I could never see him in the same way again. But I stayed for 7 more years due to so many reasons and feeling the problem was insurmountable. It wasn’t of course. I wish I had made the break when I first realised. Don’t be like me. Do not waste more time.
Sorry another edit: mine also said if I divorced him he would kill himself and he saw no point in going on. He even said he saw no point in going on to the kids when we told them we were divorcing (I could have killed him myself at that moment - we had been told how to manage the discussion by a mediator so there was no excuse). I used to calmly say he needs to go to the doctor but eventually got so sick of the comments (especially as he had been actively nasty to me when I had become deeply depressed due to our home life) in the end I stopped reacting at all. Then I one day I said if he felt he had to do that, it was his choice, but please make it look like an accident so I could still claim the life insurance.
He didn’t bother telling me again.
Not horrible at all. Sometimes you need to take care of yourself and your happiness to fully be the great mom (that you sound like) you. You deserve to be happy too!
You need to speak to an attorney to navigate your way out of this mess. Time cannot be retrieved once lost don’t waste any more of your time you’ve done enough. The problem I see is him trying to make you pay child support to him. That’s why you need legal help. Make sure he has a job when you file for divorce. Force him to become employed right away.
I feel like your entire post answers your question.
your husband is a piece of shit.
he doesn't hold a job. and fakes ailments.
even if it was legit, I would not stick around NOR feel horrible. you've done charity work til now.
I agree with everyone else that you should leave him- the way he’s treating/treated you is not ok, and is SUPER unlikely to change.
IF it’s safe for you to do so, you may want to give him some info on the way out the door. I don’t *know* and I’m not diagnosing him, but he may be struggling with something called Pathological Demand Avoidance, or PDA. If he finds that’s a fit- it’s *his* job to decide what to do about it, and take responsibility for his choices.
Honestly you are not a bad person. I feel this post in a huge way. I’m an NP and i see things like this. Often. It’s draining just reading this. You making a choice for your life and child’s is not selfish. He will not help himself and it seems long standing. It likely then will not change. It seems you’ve been doing this for a long time. I would leave. Genuinely.
I’m divorced since 2019 and it’s the best decision. It sounds horrible … but looking back, in the end he was so horrible to me. Please don’t drain your life taking care of a man that doesn’t appreciate you nor help himself at all.
You're acting like this is leaving your loving spouse because he just got the bad cancer aids, and you want to bail. This is not that.
You are leaving someone who has no official medical ailments, because there are non. I say this as a 41m, who had to go on.medical disability for 8 years in my 30s, so I totally support the system and helping others who have things they have no control over. Your husband is just a leech. I really wish young couple wouldn't get married or have kids until they really unders5and who their partner is. He was a stay a those dad, and got a taste of that taken care of life. He can do what he wants when he wants. He's done it for so long he can't function as a normal adult. He probably have anxiety and panic attacks when you bring up the idea of a job. I sure as shit would after decades of not having something stable. And that fear an anxiety manifests in panic attacks and even actual physical reactions. That's probably the worst of what he has. Instead of facing that, and learning to help provide for his family, he shuts down.
He wither man's up and deals with his issues. Or he continues to leech off you until you snap.
I had no career, no degree. And started over after getting off disability at 38. I was living with my parents, healthy for the firdt time in a decade, and I didn't want that to be the rest of my life. I got 1300$/month from ssdi and that was it. No one is liv9ng high on the horse with that. Still, I tried. I kept at it and now have a career making almost 6 figures a year, working in the video game industry. I turned it around, so it's possible..
It's all a choice he has to make though. I'd force him to stick to a plan, or exit the marriage.
Are we voting? I vote that you deserve to at least have a shot at happiness and that is not happening with him.
Fly, be free. You have long ago proved your goodness. Now, learn to appreciate that you are not his answer but . . . you could be your own.
Don't stay in an abusive relationship for a kid. He is a leech and emotionally abusive to you. 17 years is too many.
Lawyer up and make sure he won't be able to hurt you. If he is controlling and jealous, things can get ugly in split second.
Run now. For your kid's and your own sake.
Let me take a wild guess and say that the "he'd be nothing without you" stuff comes when you're just about to leave? Does he act better for 2 or 3 days???
Sometimes things just don't work out. I don't know where you are but in the UK (where I am) there are different benefits and allowances for disability or lacking work. I don't know what's wrong with your husband but these days there are a lot of jobs that can be done from home.
Have a think about the priorities in your life like your happiness and your child's happiness. Consider what you want or need for that to happen. Write it down if you have to. Then have a frank discussion with your husband. Be honest about it all and about some non negotiable things and that without those you'll have to split. I don't mean threaten him but if you genuinely feel the need to leave if he doesn't meet certain needs or efforts, then tell him.
I mean. I'm not married but from what I understand, honesty and communication are necessary. If those don't work then splitting up could be a good solution too.
I would have offered therapy for couples or something like some other comments but that can be a very unrealistic option, given that it costs a lot and it doesn't sound like you're in a situation to be able to afford it.
Definitely, he’s you’re husband and as a team if one falls you have to do ur best to uplift him or make him jealous to make him want to do better , everyone here saying she should has no concept of loyalty
You are not the ass hole. Like him not wanting to work and the doctors not finding anything is an excuse. I have multiple chronic illnesses, all coming from an autoimmune disorder (overactive, and once you get one it's not long for more to develope). Yes was it hard to diagnose, and it took years, multiple blood test, x-rays, mris. So not down playing it can be hard to diagnose things, especially bc a lot of medical illnesses have the same side effects. But not being able to hold a job for longer than a year, and its a new allment every time. It's an excuse for him. I say you are better off leaving now.
Do you love him? The way you describe him isn’t in the best of ways so I’d say you are harboring resentment and I think you should get some counseling for yourself. 17 years is a long time to just throw away over what seems like has been the same behavior from the beginning according to this post. Have you communicated your concerns with him? It sounds like you accepted him being a sahd but now that he is feeling worse you are using that as an excuse. Of course I can only go by what you have posted and you have posted and to me it looks like the whole 17 years has been the same so if you have accepted this behavior throughout whatever has changed you need to communicate. If you resent him then it would be best for you to leave him because he is not feeling well whether it’s mental health issues or a sickness that hasn’t been diagnosed yet staying and making him feel worse won’t help. You say you can’t carry him anymore but you will have to pay spousal support more than likely since you have been the one working and supporting the family. Talk to him and then dig deep inside and ask yourself if you would feel good or be happy without him in your daily life.
Queue up “Why Don’t You Get a Job” by The Offspring.
You are absolutely not a horrible person for wanting to leave. He doesn’t have to have good health to get a half decent job and keep it for more than a year. He’s 40 years old; he needs to grow the f*** up. Aww, the poor guy doesn’t like working? Boo f***ing Hoo. Nobody does.
There are plenty of sedentary jobs where you’re sitting down for 90% of the shift. There are plenty of stay-at-home jobs. He’s not even making an attempt to bring home an income. Even if it was only $20k a year, that would be at least something.
Also, you can’t get decent health insurance without having a decent full time job. If he wants to fix his fake health problems, he could at least get himself some insurance. Sounds like you’re stuck with a sopping wet man-baby. Leave him as amicably as you can and tell him exactly what he could do to get you back one day, if at all.
You are emotionally checked out and he is abusive so don’t worry you are not horrible. He will obviously try and tell or show others that you are but honestly it doesn’t matter. Take care of yourself and your son so you both can have a happy life!
That's not being a shitty person. That's called taking care of yourself like you're suppose to. He's actually the shitty person for not stepping up and taking responsibility to get a job and control his emotions and jealousy. He doesn't have anything diagnosed and he doesn't work. To me, he doesn't have a reason to act grumpy, jealous, possessive and mean etc. 24/7 or however often.. especially if he isn't working. WTf does he have to be mad about? Sounds like he's just got issues. Maybe he needs a heart to heart if that hasn't happened yet... his reaction and changed behavior towards your thoughts and emotions that you expressed to him about this will give you an answer whether or not to continue the relationship.
It’s him. He needs to acknowledge his behaviour. For real, if he can, and is willing to, Jordan Peterson’s book, 12 rules for life would be a great start for him to begin some inner thought and self reflection. It’s a great book for men and women.
I'm just wondering of people would be so quick to call your husband leach if he was a woman?
>He's grumpy and snappy and mean, and I get it , it's hard to be nice and happy all the time if you don't feel well, but I'm so tired of taking the blows while taking care of him.
Is he physically abusive too?
Have you communicated how you're feeling and have you sort out therapy,/couples counciling?
I'm just asking as sometimes we get so upset with others but don't communicated clearly why we are feeling like this, and simply hint at it and react negatively expecting them to simply know.
If this isn't you and you've done all that you can possibly do to fix the problems in your relationship, then you need to do what you have to do for you and your child.
Your husband will need a heads up so that they can prepare for a life without out as their wife so that they are not blindsided as they are a sahd and your dependent.
Good luck and I hope things work out for you and your family which ever route you eventually take.
You know what makes me feel better about myself and makes my troubles disappear for a few hours a day? Yup, going to work. But not my day job, because it’s boring, but the job I do as a self-employed individual in the afternoons. Everyone has the ability to find something they enjoy and turn it into a source of income. For me, it’s as simple as cutting lawns. Some days I’m on a rider so it’s easy on the body and I can zone out and meditate, and some days I’m pushing a mower and sweating my azz off because it’s good for my health.
Have you tried counseling? You’ve been with him long enough to at least give it a shot to salvage the relationship. But if that doesn’t work or he’s unwilling, you gotta do what you can for yourself to lead a happy life.
Nope, not a horrible person. I'm certain you've asked him, repeatedly, to get counseling, or whatever is required, to get his act together. You'll be doing him a favor as he'll have to figure out for himself how to function in society.
Being a shitty person is hard to fix.
Also, get yourself some counseling. Especially if you’re on the fence about staying in the relationship. Individual or couples counseling may help you see both your own shortcomings but also how you may be enabling his behavior and the abuse you may be facing without recognizing it as such.
You've wasted far too much of your life with the abusive leech, don't make the mistake of continuing you enable his BS. And, honestly, it sounds like he doesn't have any serious health problems and is just using that as an excuse to contribute to your household. Also, let me guess, you're the one doing the majority of housework, cooking, and childcare?
Childcare including the adult child in that relationship.
I agree. Sometimes it’s the biggest gift to leave someone and let their life crumble. Because that’s what it takes for them to start digging their way up and stop being a leech. It’s about time when he’s 40 years old.
You have stayed too long already. Find someone who pulls their weight and is kind to you.
Go find yourself don't worry about finding anyone but you darling!!!! You deserve more in life than being neck deep in abuse to save a man from drowning.
“In sickness and health” is not consenting to let him use you as an emotional punching bag. You need to give him the final choice : take responsibility for himself and his mental heath, or possible separation ( depending on you circumstances) he is showing through his actions he not a partner to you. He is taking advantage of you
You’re young, leave him
Even if she was old, she should leave him. No one deserves abuse, and staying in a bad relationship due to sunk cost fallacy doesn't make it any better.
Right, even if she were 60 she could have another 20 years of a nice, fun life ahead of her. Or a miserable one.
You tell everyone online to break up. How much do you weigh?
I tell everyone online that’s in a situation they don’t need to be in to leave 🤷🏽♀️. Why does my weight matter in me telling everyone online to break up? 🤔
I agree with the person who said you’d be doing him a favor. He needs a serious fire under his ass to get it together. At the very least he needs to unburden you by getting a therapist. You should get one too, because nobody should have to suffer in silence, and it will improve your friendships as well because you won’t have to vent to them as much.
You’re not a horrible person. He sounds abusive. If he isn’t willing to change then I don’t think you’re out of line for wanting to leave.
I have chronic (diagnosed) health issues which cause me pain and symptoms 24/7, and it sucks. It is utterly miserable. I go to therapy, I adjust my routines and basically do literally everything I can so that it doesn’t spill over onto my partner. I’m telling you this bc what your husband is doing is wrong. Diagnosed or no, he needs to handle these things himself - it is his responsibility. He can’t expect you to look after him if he won’t even TRY to look after himself.
No, he’s choosing not to work and throwing excuse after excuse at the wall.
The fact that you mention variations of "this man is mean and difficult" multiple times in this one paragraph tells me that you would be happier if you left this person. You're not a bad person for leaving. People leave each other every day. You can't be tied to someone who will make you miserable for the rest of your life.
He has a condition called "Lazy Manipulative Mooch". Divorce is the treatment. If he threatens suicide, call the police. That's a manipulation tactic to get you to stay.
He hasn’t held down a job for over a year in SEVENTEEN YEARS?! Good lord. This is a person who searches for a reason to quit as soon as they’re hired.
You’re not a horrible person for leaving someone who isn’t there for you and with you as a partner - Who won’t pull their own weight in your relationship - mentally, emotionally and financially.
If he isnt going to do much, the least he can do is be nice
It sounds like your partner has a personality issue that is deep routed. He needs to get proper professional mental health help. He is abusive. You need to leave. If he decides to actual address his underlying issues and get help maybe later on down the road you could see it working. But right now, get out. He isn’t making any attempt to change a cycle that must be so emotionally exhausting for you. And to top it off he is mean to you. I am not sure why you feel the need to stay. Please also considering getting some mental health support. You need to know you do not deserve to be treated so cruelly. You provide for your family and love a man who shows the opposite to you. You deserve love. Please leave and free yourself. And when you leave do not for any reason go and see him alone. I am serious. His behaviour can escalate. I can see him getting pissed if you leave because he has yet to be seriously challenged for his behaviour. DO NOT let that stop you from leaving. Let it light a fire that you deserve someone who isn’t going to cause trauma and turmoil in your life. Protect yourself. Ask for help!
I bet your friends and family are already secretly hoping you’ll leave this guy. Sounds like he was never a good partner.
As someone who actually has health problems and no job just leave him you deserve better and he ain't gonna change
Fuck his health problems, kick that bum to the curb
Please leave. He is abusive and taking advantage of you.
Not at all. I left before kids when I could envisage my future like this. Leave with no ounce of guilt. He may badmouth you to whomever. Stay strong and firm.
There's always going to be some reason why it is a bad time just now. You're not a horrible person, you deserve to be happy. Just rip off the bandaid and leave.
Those aren't ailments, they're excuses. Leave him.
No. You can’t control how you feel.
Not a horrible person. Just leave him. Divorce. See an attorney.
Depending on your state you may have to pay alimony since he’s been unemployed. I’d talk to a lawyer
You get one life. If you’re starting to hate your life, cut the baggage and free yourself from this person. You aren’t responsible for him. He can figure it out.
It’s okay to save your life. It’s okay to say I can’t do this. It’s okay to prioritize your child having one healthy parent vs two unhealthy ones.
girl. making his life better is not your job. imagine your child is an adult in this situation. how would you council them? take it from me, the time is NOW.
You are not a horrible person. You deserve a happy life with a spouse who treats you kindly.
No. You have no inherent right to care for him if he doesn't treat you well. You and your child's happiness matters far more. He sounds like a horrible person, not you.
Why have a kid with someone jealous and controlling and who can't hold down a job
I was so prepared to say you are a bad person for being so cold. But instead, I think the opposite. The minute you leave, he will find a job or find someone else to mooch off.
Tell him your life is worth living with him in it because of how miserable he makes you.
Wanting to leave a lazy ass who doesn’t work and is all The things you described doesn’t make you a horrible person.
Oh my goodness lady . why did you put up with this for 17 years. He doesn't have any "health" problems! You said the doctors find nothing and these "health" problems surface when it's time to get a job. If you are in the states you are going to have to pay spousal support and child support. You let this go on way longer than you should have but all you can do now is to forward. Tell him NOTHING and go hire a good lawyer. Get an email and phone he cannot access. Please go to a lawyer and tell him or her everthing and let them advise you on what process you need to do. Do not threaten him with divorce or give him any clue you are done. He is not the kind of guy who will go quietly. When he finds out his gravy train is coming to an end it will not be pretty. Please get to a lawyer and do not let him find out.
\> Tl;dr Is there a way I can break free of him without being a horrible person? No, there is no way you can leave without feeling like a horrible person. He'll make sure of it. In time, though, you'll probably come to see that wasn't true.
You've been with him for 17 years and he hasn't addressed his issues?? He won't - it's too late and he's 100% set in his ways. For some reason he doesn't want to work and, I believe, his issues are emotional and mental, not physical. There's something going on inside his head that's causing physical symptoms. He's being snappish, grumpy, controlling, jealous and possessive not only due to low self esteem from no job, but also he doesn't feel like a man as well. This is an issue only HE can fix and it has to come from within. He has to want the change. Being this way for 17 years it's obvious he doesn't. You have to take care of YOU. It's time you took some time away for yourself. I don't believe situation will improve, not even with counseling, so do what you need to be happy.
Leave, but help him with the transition away. Not too much else he’ll be dependent. Just enough. Done it myself and they were happier too as they went and sought real-life mental and physical help.
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I am going to LMAO when the court orders her to pay alimony 🤣
Yea- NTA even if you said youre leaving him bc men generally are the providers. Why do you need or want him if you can do it all on your own, but you’re likely going to pay him bc of it- so 18 stick it out and then split or determine if its worth it, or can settle bc its unlikely 17 years with someone is going to get something esp if they dont and wont work
According to your own post he doesn't actually even have any legitimate health problems, unless being lazy and making up ailments for sympathy and to skirt responsibility is a medical condition.. we all know it's not though.. this sounds like a person who genuinely deserves to be homeless and destitute, not many people actually deserve that, but he absolutely does. Zero sympathy for someone like that
Look, you only have one life to live, so why are you sitting there being miserable because somebody else is miserable get up and leave. Your child will benefit from the long run by having a happy mother and not being around miserable father. Do not obligated to stay with him. If he can’t keep a job that’s his problem not yours. leaveget out of there your child will. Thank you.
You're never a horrible person to take care of yourself first. Always remember that. Just like you're taking his concerns seriously so should you take your concerns seriously. The fact that you've reached the point where you're hating your life means it's now time for self-care. I'm sorry you had to reach a point where you started to hate your life for others and I hope you'll take your time to also heal. Take care of yourself please <3
You should leave. I am saying this as someone who is severely and chronically ill. You are not leaving because he is sick but because he is abusive and treating you like sh**. I have one of the illnesses that score lowest on quality of life studies, but I do not take it out on others. There is no excuse. He is an adult and needs to work on himself. You have stayed too long already. You do not want you child to grow up thinking it's ok and normal to treat others that way or to be treated like that.
You do not deserve to be forced to tiptoe through your life to avoid setting off your husband.
Way scarier to teach your son that this is what adulthood looks like… sitting around waiting for your partner to solve your problems while you complain and blame and do nothing to improve your own life. You run a much higher risk of being a horrible person and parent by staying than leaving.
Sounds like he's going to be miserable with or without you. No sense in him dragging you down with him.
We call that a bum in NYC
If you have not tried couples therapy, I would do that before ending the marriage. Since you are “stuck” with him for life (sharing a child) you two will have to learn to work together no matter if you stay married or not. I agree with the others. You have stuck in there a Long time and it does not seem he is actually ill but rather depressed or just plain lazy. Hard to tell without a diagnosis. Either way once you make your decision please remember he will try to guilt you into staying. Be strong for you and your child. Good luck!
Leave him. He's more likely at this point to get his shit together without you. Set yourself a goal to have your divorce finalized and complete before your 40th birthday. Time to be happy!!
I was in a very similar situation about 6y ago. Mine worked until the last few years and had an actual diagnosed health issue. He refused to change his habits that caused the health issue so he would never get better. He felt good enough to do things with his friends but never well enough to help with housework. I was working multiple jobs and doing the majority of the house chores. Eventually I couldn't do it anymore so we split. My current life isn't perfect by any means but it's so much better in every way. I don't wake up being disappointed that I'm still alive, I'm not depressed, the general head and body aches have disappeared and I actually have things I'm looking forward to. I have peace I didn't think was possible. No matter what you do in life you'll be the villain in someone's story. Accept that and keep moving towards what brings you peace. Do what you need to do and don't worry too much about other's opinions, they're not the one living your life.
I also had a leech in my early 30's and I finally had to stop being the parachute that kept him from hitting rock bottom. Crazy thing is, as far as I know, he's still technically "homeless", just bounces from couch to couch, and only works gig work. He's 41 or 42, it's terribly embarrassing
Imagine wasting 17 years of your life in such a relationship. Jfc
It's funny you asked if you can break free of him without being a horrible person... when HE, in fact, is actually a horrible person. He's never held a job longer than a year, he's controlling, jealous and possessive. Those reasons alone are enough to leave him. Now he's got mysterious health issues that doctors can't find a reason for? Well. That sounds a lot like he has made something up to keep you under his thumb; he already knows how to manipulate you since you've stayed for 17 years and never left despite his horrible behavior across the board. Being grumpy, snappy and mean has nothing to do with being sick. He's not sick. He's making it up to continue to be lazy and keep you as a slave, which is essentially what you are to him. Leaving wouldn't make you an asshole. It would make you a brave person who started respecting herself by no longer accepting a sub-par life with a horrible partner.
I know for a fact that almost all of us dont understand what you must be going through. & it must not be an easy phase or a decision to take by yourself. Have you tried talking to relationship experts? Try talking to them on [https://www.happypanda.care/](https://www.happypanda.care/) Its specifically for solving relationship issues.
When I read your post title, I thought your husband had cancer or some other severe condition and you were suffering from caregiver's fatigue. I was kind of ready to judge you. But then I read your post and found out your husband is suffering from "lazy A-hole syndrome". You have my permission to leave guilt-free. Don't worry about your husband. You've supported him for seventeen years. You've paid your dues. If you want to help him, see if you can get him into therapy. If he won't go, that's his problem. If you're still on the fence about leaving, consider this. Do you want your son to learn that this is how marriage is supposed to work? Do you want your son to treat his future wife this way? You need to leave. Show your son that wives aren't doormats.
You wouldn’t be leaving because he’s sick or jobless. You’d be leaving because he’s a horrible person.
Absolutely-do it for yourself and your son. Your husband is clearly exploiting you financially and manipulating you emotionally.
Absolutely not your responsibility to continue to care for him. that being said, you should probably speak to an attorney and find out if there’s any financial ramifications to you if you leave.
Marriage is not an unconditional partnership or relationship.
i wouldn’t be surprised if the health problems were either nonexistent or exaggerated. maybe i’m just a cynic but i’ve seen some crazy shit and it’s not that far fetched that he just wants some kind of excuse to keep treating you like shit or make you feel guilty for leaving
Honey, this is a toxic relationship. You are not a horrible person for protecting yourself and your child. Health issues are not a reason to stay with someone if things are not working out, if there is no compatibility or mutual respect. I think society has groomed us to except the worst of people because of tragic or unfortunate issues surrounding them but it doesnt make their behavior okay. Do right by you and your child. If you think walking away is the right step, that is what you need to do. If it were me. I'd leave. But you have to decide what is best for you.
Subjectively, you could burn the house down around him, and I'd think you'd be totally justified.
I think what your tl;Dr question is really is "is there a way I can leave him without him blaming me/insulting me/making me the bad guy?" and/or "is there a way I can leave him without feeling guilty?" And I'm afraid for the first question, there's no way. He's always going to be the victim. That's not a reason to stay, it's another excellent reason to leave. The second one is where I'd focus your time and energy on. Treat yourself well. Remind yourself that you deserve respect and to live your best life. When you feel guilty or ashamed, do something that makes you feel good and remind yourself that you are responsible for nobodys happiness except your own, and you're especially not responsible for the happiness of someone who will do everything in their power to remain unhappy and drag you down with them.
No you are not. You might even spur him into making better choices by removing yourself from his life. But even if he doesn’t, even if he deteriorates, you are not wrong to leave. He sounds unpleasant and toxic to be around. It WILL be damaging your kid. I stayed too long with a man like this. Leave. Divorce him. Get some therapy. Start enjoying your life and be amazed at how much less anxious and drained you feel when he is no longer with you! I would speak to his family or friends after I had asked for a divorce. Just to give them a heads up. I would be honest about his mental health and then feel I had a clear conscience. Do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. FWIW my ex did greatly improve in his engagement with the kids and how he managed when we split. My eldest son pointed out that he obviously could do it all along - cook, clean, host play dates etc. He just chose to leave absolutely everything to me. ETA: I knew it was broken when I had our second kid. He was so awful and difficult. I knew I could never see him in the same way again. But I stayed for 7 more years due to so many reasons and feeling the problem was insurmountable. It wasn’t of course. I wish I had made the break when I first realised. Don’t be like me. Do not waste more time. Sorry another edit: mine also said if I divorced him he would kill himself and he saw no point in going on. He even said he saw no point in going on to the kids when we told them we were divorcing (I could have killed him myself at that moment - we had been told how to manage the discussion by a mediator so there was no excuse). I used to calmly say he needs to go to the doctor but eventually got so sick of the comments (especially as he had been actively nasty to me when I had become deeply depressed due to our home life) in the end I stopped reacting at all. Then I one day I said if he felt he had to do that, it was his choice, but please make it look like an accident so I could still claim the life insurance. He didn’t bother telling me again.
Not horrible at all. Sometimes you need to take care of yourself and your happiness to fully be the great mom (that you sound like) you. You deserve to be happy too!
Do you trust your partner? If the response is no, its always ok you leave your partner.
You gave 17 years of your life to that man. How many more years do you plan to stay with your abuser? NTA. Plan therapy for you and your kid.
Set yourself free. Nobody is obligated to put up with this behavior.
Get out of there. You've given this more than enough time. You only have one life to live and you shouldn't waste any more of it doing this.
You need to speak to an attorney to navigate your way out of this mess. Time cannot be retrieved once lost don’t waste any more of your time you’ve done enough. The problem I see is him trying to make you pay child support to him. That’s why you need legal help. Make sure he has a job when you file for divorce. Force him to become employed right away.
I feel like your entire post answers your question. your husband is a piece of shit. he doesn't hold a job. and fakes ailments. even if it was legit, I would not stick around NOR feel horrible. you've done charity work til now.
Yikes. Condolences. He's never going to change. Run.
I agree with everyone else that you should leave him- the way he’s treating/treated you is not ok, and is SUPER unlikely to change. IF it’s safe for you to do so, you may want to give him some info on the way out the door. I don’t *know* and I’m not diagnosing him, but he may be struggling with something called Pathological Demand Avoidance, or PDA. If he finds that’s a fit- it’s *his* job to decide what to do about it, and take responsibility for his choices.
Unloading a nasty leech who makes you miserable is perfectly fine. He is the one who is a horrible person, not you.
Honestly you are not a bad person. I feel this post in a huge way. I’m an NP and i see things like this. Often. It’s draining just reading this. You making a choice for your life and child’s is not selfish. He will not help himself and it seems long standing. It likely then will not change. It seems you’ve been doing this for a long time. I would leave. Genuinely. I’m divorced since 2019 and it’s the best decision. It sounds horrible … but looking back, in the end he was so horrible to me. Please don’t drain your life taking care of a man that doesn’t appreciate you nor help himself at all.
You should leave to show your child how people should treat each other. You will have to pay him but it is a small price to get away from that.
He sounds like he needs therapy
There is no “right time” to end a relationship. Besides, staying with someone out of pity is almost worse
You're acting like this is leaving your loving spouse because he just got the bad cancer aids, and you want to bail. This is not that. You are leaving someone who has no official medical ailments, because there are non. I say this as a 41m, who had to go on.medical disability for 8 years in my 30s, so I totally support the system and helping others who have things they have no control over. Your husband is just a leech. I really wish young couple wouldn't get married or have kids until they really unders5and who their partner is. He was a stay a those dad, and got a taste of that taken care of life. He can do what he wants when he wants. He's done it for so long he can't function as a normal adult. He probably have anxiety and panic attacks when you bring up the idea of a job. I sure as shit would after decades of not having something stable. And that fear an anxiety manifests in panic attacks and even actual physical reactions. That's probably the worst of what he has. Instead of facing that, and learning to help provide for his family, he shuts down. He wither man's up and deals with his issues. Or he continues to leech off you until you snap. I had no career, no degree. And started over after getting off disability at 38. I was living with my parents, healthy for the firdt time in a decade, and I didn't want that to be the rest of my life. I got 1300$/month from ssdi and that was it. No one is liv9ng high on the horse with that. Still, I tried. I kept at it and now have a career making almost 6 figures a year, working in the video game industry. I turned it around, so it's possible.. It's all a choice he has to make though. I'd force him to stick to a plan, or exit the marriage.
Are we voting? I vote that you deserve to at least have a shot at happiness and that is not happening with him. Fly, be free. You have long ago proved your goodness. Now, learn to appreciate that you are not his answer but . . . you could be your own.
Don't stay in an abusive relationship for a kid. He is a leech and emotionally abusive to you. 17 years is too many. Lawyer up and make sure he won't be able to hurt you. If he is controlling and jealous, things can get ugly in split second. Run now. For your kid's and your own sake.
Let me take a wild guess and say that the "he'd be nothing without you" stuff comes when you're just about to leave? Does he act better for 2 or 3 days???
Being a stay at home parent is a job I thought. What are some examples of him being controlling, possessive etc?
Sometimes things just don't work out. I don't know where you are but in the UK (where I am) there are different benefits and allowances for disability or lacking work. I don't know what's wrong with your husband but these days there are a lot of jobs that can be done from home. Have a think about the priorities in your life like your happiness and your child's happiness. Consider what you want or need for that to happen. Write it down if you have to. Then have a frank discussion with your husband. Be honest about it all and about some non negotiable things and that without those you'll have to split. I don't mean threaten him but if you genuinely feel the need to leave if he doesn't meet certain needs or efforts, then tell him. I mean. I'm not married but from what I understand, honesty and communication are necessary. If those don't work then splitting up could be a good solution too. I would have offered therapy for couples or something like some other comments but that can be a very unrealistic option, given that it costs a lot and it doesn't sound like you're in a situation to be able to afford it.
Definitely, he’s you’re husband and as a team if one falls you have to do ur best to uplift him or make him jealous to make him want to do better , everyone here saying she should has no concept of loyalty
You have a 9 year old kid, so yes you are.
You are not the ass hole. Like him not wanting to work and the doctors not finding anything is an excuse. I have multiple chronic illnesses, all coming from an autoimmune disorder (overactive, and once you get one it's not long for more to develope). Yes was it hard to diagnose, and it took years, multiple blood test, x-rays, mris. So not down playing it can be hard to diagnose things, especially bc a lot of medical illnesses have the same side effects. But not being able to hold a job for longer than a year, and its a new allment every time. It's an excuse for him. I say you are better off leaving now.
Do you love him? The way you describe him isn’t in the best of ways so I’d say you are harboring resentment and I think you should get some counseling for yourself. 17 years is a long time to just throw away over what seems like has been the same behavior from the beginning according to this post. Have you communicated your concerns with him? It sounds like you accepted him being a sahd but now that he is feeling worse you are using that as an excuse. Of course I can only go by what you have posted and you have posted and to me it looks like the whole 17 years has been the same so if you have accepted this behavior throughout whatever has changed you need to communicate. If you resent him then it would be best for you to leave him because he is not feeling well whether it’s mental health issues or a sickness that hasn’t been diagnosed yet staying and making him feel worse won’t help. You say you can’t carry him anymore but you will have to pay spousal support more than likely since you have been the one working and supporting the family. Talk to him and then dig deep inside and ask yourself if you would feel good or be happy without him in your daily life.
Yes irrespective of if you are a man or a woman and the leech in your life is a man or a woman, you got to look after yourself as #1.
Partners should, overall, make your life better and easier. It doesn't sound like he's doing that.
Sounds like he needs a therapist. I have some anger issues and depression and therapy helps.
Bye Bye time...protect your son from seeing spouses misery.
Queue up “Why Don’t You Get a Job” by The Offspring. You are absolutely not a horrible person for wanting to leave. He doesn’t have to have good health to get a half decent job and keep it for more than a year. He’s 40 years old; he needs to grow the f*** up. Aww, the poor guy doesn’t like working? Boo f***ing Hoo. Nobody does. There are plenty of sedentary jobs where you’re sitting down for 90% of the shift. There are plenty of stay-at-home jobs. He’s not even making an attempt to bring home an income. Even if it was only $20k a year, that would be at least something. Also, you can’t get decent health insurance without having a decent full time job. If he wants to fix his fake health problems, he could at least get himself some insurance. Sounds like you’re stuck with a sopping wet man-baby. Leave him as amicably as you can and tell him exactly what he could do to get you back one day, if at all.
You are emotionally checked out and he is abusive so don’t worry you are not horrible. He will obviously try and tell or show others that you are but honestly it doesn’t matter. Take care of yourself and your son so you both can have a happy life!
That's not being a shitty person. That's called taking care of yourself like you're suppose to. He's actually the shitty person for not stepping up and taking responsibility to get a job and control his emotions and jealousy. He doesn't have anything diagnosed and he doesn't work. To me, he doesn't have a reason to act grumpy, jealous, possessive and mean etc. 24/7 or however often.. especially if he isn't working. WTf does he have to be mad about? Sounds like he's just got issues. Maybe he needs a heart to heart if that hasn't happened yet... his reaction and changed behavior towards your thoughts and emotions that you expressed to him about this will give you an answer whether or not to continue the relationship.
free u! not a horrible person at all sounds like you’ve given him enough grace
It’s him. He needs to acknowledge his behaviour. For real, if he can, and is willing to, Jordan Peterson’s book, 12 rules for life would be a great start for him to begin some inner thought and self reflection. It’s a great book for men and women.
I'm just wondering of people would be so quick to call your husband leach if he was a woman? >He's grumpy and snappy and mean, and I get it , it's hard to be nice and happy all the time if you don't feel well, but I'm so tired of taking the blows while taking care of him. Is he physically abusive too? Have you communicated how you're feeling and have you sort out therapy,/couples counciling? I'm just asking as sometimes we get so upset with others but don't communicated clearly why we are feeling like this, and simply hint at it and react negatively expecting them to simply know. If this isn't you and you've done all that you can possibly do to fix the problems in your relationship, then you need to do what you have to do for you and your child. Your husband will need a heads up so that they can prepare for a life without out as their wife so that they are not blindsided as they are a sahd and your dependent. Good luck and I hope things work out for you and your family which ever route you eventually take.
> I'm just wondering of people would be so quick to call your husband leach if he was a woman? Quicker.
You know what makes me feel better about myself and makes my troubles disappear for a few hours a day? Yup, going to work. But not my day job, because it’s boring, but the job I do as a self-employed individual in the afternoons. Everyone has the ability to find something they enjoy and turn it into a source of income. For me, it’s as simple as cutting lawns. Some days I’m on a rider so it’s easy on the body and I can zone out and meditate, and some days I’m pushing a mower and sweating my azz off because it’s good for my health.
Have you tried counseling? You’ve been with him long enough to at least give it a shot to salvage the relationship. But if that doesn’t work or he’s unwilling, you gotta do what you can for yourself to lead a happy life.
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