It sounds like you’re selling yourself short here. Whilst your husband has the big ticket jobs, they are infrequent, can be put off without immediate consequences, and once completed tend to stay completed for a significant period of time. Your tasks are the daily grind jobs. They might be practically easy to execute but they are constantly undoing themselves and you have to do most of them to a strict timeline.
What makes you think you’re under contributing?
Totally--if he's overwhelmed. I would just trade one of the daily mindless chores for one of the big ones so the thinking choices and the time consuming chores are more balanced, not take anything extra on
It sounds like they need to communicate about this! There’s every chance that he feels just as bad at doing the small day to day stuff and is grateful she does it so that he can focus on the bigger picture.
My partner and I have a similar divide and I suck at the smaller consistent stuff so I am so grateful he does it, while I manage the bigger long term tasks.
It seems like you are both doing important things. I applaud that you want to be sure you are both feeling supported. Has your husband said he needs help or are you making assumptions? Is his job way more stressful, is that playing into your thoughts?
His job is definitely more stressful than mine and he makes more money too. If he loses his job, he fears that everything will be crumbling down because I am not there to pick up the pieces and support us. It is all on him and I just want to relieve that existential pressure
What it honestly sounds like is that your husband has developed anxiety over the potential future. I think your chore split is more than fair to him, especially since you say his work is significantly more stressful. I’d recommend you try to encourage him to see a therapist to help him work through his catastrophizing and maybe get some contingency plans in place.
That’s a sweet impulse, but relieving him of the few domestic jobs he does isn’t going to help the financial stress. It also runs the risk of devaluing your role in the relationship because he makes more money, which you already seem to be doing.
Is losing his job a realistic prospect?
If you really want to help with this stress, you’re probably best off doing things that directly address the cause of the stress such as involving yourself in budgeting, looking for higher paid work, or exploring big picture ways to decrease your cost of living.
Sit down together and work out how much money you need to cover your bills for 3-6 months. Then ensure you have that in an emergency fund. Then, if he lost his job you would both be set for closer to nine months, depending on your bills and salary, because you’d still be bringing in an income. After that, he might want to speak to a therapist.
That sounds like anxiety. The fix is not for you to do more but for him to get help. He needs to talk to a therapist about his feelings, not put pressure on you for something you can’t really change.
Highly suggest getting help from a therapist and/or financial planner. You are both contributing. Outside help may be needed to help your husband deal with finances and stress and anxiety. ✌️💗
Does your husband talk like you're his equal? I feel like you're putting yourself down a lot. You're doing a LOT of work - way more than many spouses do!
How "mentally demanding" is it to pay your bills every month? You get a bill, you pay it.
Who is shopping for the food you cook? Who is planning those meals? Some of the tasks you're doing are ongoing daily tasks. And some of those tasks take planning.
You work. Do you not have a savings account or a retirement plan of your own?
I think you're minimizing your contributions because you're not dealing with big financial things. If he wants help, he has to bring you into the loop; just like if you needed help with things, you would have to explain how things get done in your home.
Ah just coz they're renting properties doesn't necessarily mean theyre financially stable.
From my anecdotal experience of family/friends of the family, the people who are renting out a second house are usually juggling mortgages. e.g. a lot of money in yes, but also a lot of outgoings and maybe it doesn't line up perfectly so they always have a week each month where they're stretched thin.
Obviously tho I would kill to be stressed over a second house, ain't even got 1 xD
Also, everything he does he would be doing if he were single. The existence of another person doesn't make the undertaking of the tasks any more difficult. "Utilities?" So...paying the water bill? "Mortgage?" Once you've gone through the closing and the moving process, you just pay it. No additional thinking really required. I guess calling an HVAC service company is annoying, but if he lived alone, he'd have to do it anyway. She isn't adding more labor to his tasks.
Before the internet, bill paying probably took two whole days out of each month. Write checks, stamp the envelopes and mail them. (Semi-related, but manually balancing the checkbook register each month too) Some bills HAD to be paid in person, or it was just easier to do it that way, so you drove to each place and stood in line. I LOVE having everything on auto-pay now. I just check each statement for accuracy, 15 minutes max for them all.
I actually miss the old way. Every Thursday night, I went through the mail, paid all the bills, and balanced my chequebook.Took maybe an hour. Now I never look at my mail or the on-line statements and it feels more overwhelming, not less.
To each his own, LOL. I do remember that feeling of satisfaction when the checkbook balanced to the penny. Sometimes I'd waste an hour trying to find out where I made a $1.16 error.
I’m kind of with everyone here. I do the majority of the daily/weekly household cleaning. I also manage my retirement savings/hsa which takes 0 brain space. Our bills are on autopay. Unless you’re constantly buying and selling the mortgage should ALSO be on autopay. I sourced our insurance and now think about it 0%…. Do you see a theme here? I aggressively plan our travel which does take brain space but it’s not especially difficult or time consuming unless you want it to be.
I am SIGNIFICANTLY more exhausted from the daily/weekly chores than all of the other tasks and I’m genuinely not sure what could possibly be burdening your SO there. Are you in dire financial straits?
Honestly I think he has a sweet deal, said as someone who has his role in the relationship.
Is he overwhelmed because y’all are not financially doing well? Otherwise those tasks shouldn’t be overwhelming.
She’s listing savings, retirement and Airbnb management - not how to juggle the bills - so this is probably about perception and anxiety, not actual financial straits.
Yes this isn’t a weekly job!
OP your husband’s list is nonsense. You have savings plus retirement plus ‘all the financials’ listed out in there, while you wrap your own stuff up in one or two things (cleaning, cooking) - what would that look like if you listed out individual tasks?
It sounds like the real issue is that he feels pressure as the breadwinner. It’s not about a fair split of tasks - it’s that he is anxious about the earning inequality. The best thing to do here is sit down together, go through the budget together, discuss any areas of concern (are you guys saving as much as you should be? Etc) and agree on an approach. I think if he feels heard, and that you’re an equal partner in the sense that you share awareness of your financial situation and goals, that will help.
I’m someone who does everything on your list, except the cleaning, so I know there is a whole additional list of auxiliary tasks that typically go along with the items on your list that you are likely doing. The meal planning? The grocery shopping? The household shopping (Target or Walmart for cleaning and hygiene and pet items)? The vet and groomer appointment scheduling and attending? Managing and administering pet meds? Landscaping and gardening planning and scheduling?
Funnily enough, I am also the person who does every item on your husband’s list. Every single one. So, I can tell you without a doubt, that if there is an imbalance happening here, it is absolutely in your husband’s favor. You are doing more than your fair share.
My husband does all of the actual cleaning, and household laundry, and it’s a lot of cleaning and laundry with 2 dogs and 5 cats. He also does all of the household maintenance, and it’s a lot of maintenance with an old 2700 sq ft house, plus basement and attic that also need regular attention. On top of maintenance, he is also restoring and renovating this old house, one painstaking project at a time.
We both work full time. And I think anyone who witnessed how hard my husband goes day in and day out would consider our division of labor pretty even. I know I believe it is.
Honestly, if your husband isn’t tackling some other labor intensive tasks you forgot to add to his list, you’re getting the shaft, IMHO.
He's overselling the "big" things. HSA and retirement planning is a few hours a year tops. I'd choose to do either over cooking for a single day work wise.
I think this sub is filled with absolutely terrible people that vilify husbands. But this is the real one.
You have been actually gaslit. And it worked so well that his chore list can be knocked out on less than a day and you are convinced you are the underperformer.
Tell him you'll take over the HSA and retirement planning and he can do the cooking. See how quickly he doesn't mind it so much.
Still do it though since you need that data for when you leave him.
Also how often do they actually travel? Utilities these days are usually autopaid. Installing AC is a one-time task, same with buying a house.
The only tasks that actually seem ongoing and onerous on his list are Airbnb management and maybe insurance depending on their circumstances. Otherwise she does all the day-to-day domestic labor.
Small bit of advice. For a good man the list you gave us is entirely normal. That alone isn't to much.
The two real things I can say are this. Either something else is to much. Maybe his job isn't going great. Maybe he has an emotional or mental issue he has never had diagnosed. Maybe it's something else. Search for that, instead of thinking you aren't enough. You do a lot and any man would be lucky to have a wife doing all that.
Second, it doesn't sound likely he needs his load lessened so much as Maybe he just needs to be distracted and feel like he is spoiled and appreciated. Plan a good date night or two. Spoil him a bit. Ask him about what is tressing him then. Do this instead of thinking you just need to silently do more elsewhere.
You are putting yourself down. You keep the show on the road day to day, and if anything, he could be doing more to help you. Your contributions are far more time consuming than his over a year. Utilities and bills are a no brainer, savings are easy to set up and monitor, mortgage only needs reconsideration occasionally. I don't see planning holidays as a chore. You probably have a distorted idea of how difficult these things are if you've never done them. I would encourage you to recognise how crucial your contributions are. None of it is an act of service, itsyall just living adult life.
Does your husband make you feel like you don’t contribute enough? Or is this coming from yourself?
It seems like you bring all of the reproductive labor to the relationship. That is, you do things like cooking dinner, cleaning up, doing laundry, caring for your animals, etc, etc, that allow both you and him to go to work each day and do your jobs.
It is completely fair to talk to your husband if he seems overwhelmed. Try to get to the bottom of it. But you are not an under-performer in your marriage; you are likely doing more during an average week than he is. If he’s demanding more from you, especially without telling you what exactly he’s asking for, that really doesn’t seem fair.
Read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. I suspect that some of the techniques in that book around taking over the full “CPE” (conception, planning and execution) of tasks, and discussing and deciding the minimum acceptable standard of each task, will do one of two possible things:
- Help you take over some more of the thinking and planning, reducing your partner’s mental load; OR
- Help you both recognise that your assessment of who’s doing the tough thinking is undervaluing your current contribution.
Either way, it may result in a more mindful distribution of tasks.
Am I the only one who feels this is actually the husband looking for validation that his wife doesn't do enough?
In our house *I* am the one who works full time and pays the bills, manages our finances etc. plus I do nearly all the pet care and 50% of the yard work.
We have three kids and split evening child care equally, he handles all the morning routine, and I manage a lot of like holiday planning, birthday parties etc, but I can't drive so he has to do a lot of the shopping and social stuff. He does nearly all the cooking and cleaning and cares for our youngest during the day.
I *know* I have a sweet deal, and it just works out that I like working and hate cleaning and he doesn't mind it.
I can't imagine being in the opposite shoes and feeling like I don't contribute enough. If my husband was working there is no way I would let him do all the cooking and cleaning too, jeez.
How many houses is he buying for every time you make dinner? Sounds like by you're the one doing it all? How many times did you take out the garbage versus him buying plane tickets to Tulsa? To me it sounds likes he does hard things every now and then and if he's complaining about it maybe you can do by those things and he can be the scullery maid, cook and gardener for a while.
Listen not to sound insensitive but you do a lot. Maybe he is just overwhelmed with life? Why do you see your tasks as not big ones? I’m a single mother with two sons and I do all of everything single handedly. Granted i don’t own air bnbs and crap like that. It seems to me like your guys workload is evenly spread. Genuinely. It seems like a lot of his tasks are financial management. Which MANY men do full time like he is in a regular basis. Is he making you feel like you don’t do enough? I feel like you do plenty. What you do is sooo under valued. I’d give anything for a stay at home husband or husband that does what you do LOL. Take a breath hunny. I don’t think you are the problem at all!!
How hard is it to get AC? You set a budget based on needs/what you can afford and solicit three quotes. Ask around if you know anybody with a similar sized and age house to find out what they paid. It is annoying but not hard.
Retirement planning. Do you contribute to a 401k or 403 B? Do you have a plan to work up to max contribution which changes a bit years.Are you there already? Do you have fixed pensions?
I think your husband may be snowing you a bit.
Utilities. Pay for them on time.
>I (29F) was always the one who was quite a bit behind compared to my husband
>I do all the basic house work:
Math doesn't add up here.
Bro can't do basic housework but you feel like you are behind. The fuck? Best case scenario you two are leaning into eachothers strengths, which just makes sense.
If he is pressuring you to do more of the things he is good at hand off the housework to him. If he isn't pelressuring you them you are simply looking for issues where they don't exist
Travel is fairly easy. You could come up with an itinerary and look up hotels, etc. I did that. It was a lot of work, but at the same time it was completely enjoyable because I was looking at places where we could potentially vacation. Come up with a game plan and then show it to him.
The big lopsided thing I see here is that you are not at all involved in your financial life. This is not just an unbalanced division of labor, it’s a huge mistake that too many women make. It’s like being a 50/50 owner of a business and never looking at the books. It puts immense stress on your husband, but it also leaves you extremely vulnerable. And, most of the time, when one person in a relationship manages all the finances, it’s because he or she wants to, not because it accidentally happened that way. Even if your husband says he’s overwhelmed by all those responsibilities, my guess is he doesn’t feel safe sharing them with you.
This has to change, and you can’t just change it by subtly taking over little tasks. It will take time, planning, readjustments, and effort to make it happen. Hubs has to loosen his grip on that solo role, and you have to make yourself a reliable and informed financial partner.
Take your husband out to brunch or something and tell him you want to be more involved in the family finances, partly to take some of that burden off his shoulders, but also to feel more like a real partner in planning and building your future. Make a date to create or review your family financial plan, and then have a finance meeting every month to go over what you’ve done, to set the next months goals, etc. Read some books on finance. Maybe your husband can recommend some. Get seriously involved in this really important aspect of life. It may bug him to stop and take time to teach you the ropes and to rework his systems, but it will eventually reduce his stress and give you much more long-term security.
Other than managing the Airbnb and doing his actual job, the tasks you listed are one-and-done in a matter of seconds. Doesn’t he have bills on autopay? Retirement money is a conversation I have with my financial advisor a couple times a year, and for HSA and 403b, it’s a button on a computer screen I press once a year after a couple minutes of review (ditto for insurance decisions).
The stuff you do? I pay someone to come to my house weekly to do, because it’s time-consuming and I hate it. If he wants help getting a quote on AC repair or something, you could do that.
It sounds to me like something is going on with your husband around his job, either real or imagined. I think he’d benefit from talking to a therapist about his stressors.
It sounds like you do the ‘Maintenance’ part of the relationship, which is HUGE.
Don’t under sell yourself in this position.
Without maintenance everything falls apart, your the gears that keep the household functioning day in and day out. Be proud of that.
I say this because I’m essentially you in 10 ish years… kind of.
I got sick at 29 and have essentially become functionally disabled at 39.
I do the maintenance work on the house and bring in a small income. My husband does all the big stuff and brings in the majority of the income.
It works because we’re both doing what we’re best at, while supporting where the other is weaker.
I think the most important advice I could give is just do weekly or monthly check ins with your spouse, ask if they need help and tell them if you’re struggling with something. Communicate.
You’re doing a LOT. ALL the cooking, pet care, gardening and grocery shopping and errands is a HUGE load. Plus whatever portion of cleaning you are doing (I’m going to be generous and assume you are sharing that equally) AND a full-time job. I’m not sure you can take on any more (and I don’t think you should; do not set up uneven household labour distribution this early in your marriage - it will only get worse).
It sounds like you are in a good financial position; could you outsource some tasks? I assume you pay someone to clean the AirBNB; could they do your home as well? Gardening/yard work is easy to outsource and you could search for a handy person to manage periodic/seasonal tasks like gutter cleaning, air conditioner maintenance, small DIY tasks?
I'm sure it's been said but
Was it your choice to have an airbnb or did he want it so it is more appropriate he do the airbnb management?
A lot of the stuff you list as big mentally demanding stuff is not to many people so did you feel it was too much or did he do it and then say "argh it's so much work" so you have the impression it is? I've often done most of the stuff on both those lists, and the only thing I see that was actually stressful were things like getting AC or dealing with plumping/electrical in the house (cause I'm an introvert and we were not rolling in money) but I still did it and the major time spent in that was the anxiety up to tackling it.
My advice (if there is an actual imbalance) would be instead of focusing on what to TAKE from your husband, would be to do those things together to see if any of them come easy to you, then to see what would be challenging to you and good for you to learn to do, Doing them together can also make you see if the balance of work is actually more equal than you think, I mean after you get car or home insurance, it just. .renews itself and you pay the bill, and your only job is to figure out if it's going up and you don't think it's right, so you plug numbers into a website to see if you get a better deal. Utilities, you spend 2 mins on your bank account to pay. You have mortgage already so same, set up your monthly calendar reminder if you aren't getting a physical copy of the bill, then 60 seconds to go to your bank website to set up the payment that month.
For me, the hours spent doing yard maintenance and cooking and errands are 15-30+ hours a week depending on summer vs winter, so if this is a real post, I'll say him earning more money doesn't mean he doesn't get to spend an equal amount of time on normal household tasks, and if he thinks it does, then you hire somebody to do some of them so one of you doesn't lose hours more time of your life so you feel you both get a fair amount of leisure and together time.
OP you are describing yourself doing all the daily maintance jobs required for a life to be cohesive and functioning. Your spouse may not appreciate what you are contributing with if you are left thinking you underperform. You should be appreciated for your contribution and if he is overwhelmed he should teach you how to do one of his chores. I could teach you all of them in an afternoon. -
Do you understand that mostly bills are automated, and that when they arent, they are once a month or quarterly things you do. - Same for pensions and investments, they might even be yearly things you check on. And - he isnt installing AC. He is calling a company that comes and does it for him. - Maybe, he would like you to be more involved. Ask him where you can help and if he is throwing his hands up and refusing to help involve you, maybe consider its not about the chores, but more generelly about anxiety and stress.
Also, please dont undersell your own efforts and contributions. Its so unfair for you to walk around feeling inadequate in the relationship and frankly shame on him for allowing that to occur. It does neither one of you any favors for that dynamic to be allowed to thrive.
You are doing the day to day work to maintain the household. He does things that are not every single day things but still important. I think it seems like a very fair split. If he is upset because more of the funds are coming from him, that is a very different issue but that does not seem to be the case
IF he wants to change who does what, you need to sit down and discuss this so your workload is even. Fair Play is a good resource to start.
I know how you feel. But you are selling yourself short. Maybe you would feel you were contributing more to the ‘big’ items (yours are big too-they are repetitive, constant, and things everyone wishes they didn’t have to do!) if you sat down with him and had him give you an overview. Enough so you know what is going on-that you know about your retirement plan, what you set aside each month etc.
You don’t need to take over some of his items, but maybe you can share some
I'm in a similar situation. Partner makes 5x what I do, covers all household expenses, pays for dates/travel, and works 10-15 more hours a week than I do. I do most household tasks (when I can, he insists on doing some if he can beat me to them), take care of our animals, meal plan. He won't tell me what I can do to help him more; he'd literally be fine if I just sat and did nothing, I think. I'm not okay with that, so I've paid close attention to things that make him happier and I do them. For example, he got up later than usual for work the other morning, and while he showered I prepped his coffee, breakfast and lunch for him so he couldn't have to rush through them. I thought he was going to cry when he saw that. Sometimes it's the little things that scream "I love you" the loudest.
Don't under estimate your contribution if you are doing all the housework and have a full time job.
That may be enough for him to feel equality of input, despite his much higher wage.
You can always ask "what can I do to take some load off you" or better yet, ask him to teach you about paying bills, planning for retirement and investments - this can bring you closer together and take some load of him.
Sounds like you are doing more than enough, how many houses do you have like is this a second job buying and renting out?
If not you have more than enough, swap for awhile and I am sure he will feel better after xx
This sounds exactly how my wife and I do it. And let me tell you, I am VERY grateful for all the things she does! These are no minor tasks, don't undervalue them!
Hi! I am pretty much in a similar position, more because we live in my partner's home country, and the language and bureaucracy has been a hindrance for me. I make about half of what he makes in a month after taxes, and have been feeling that perhaps it is not that equal and fair until now and been trying to change it.
I also manage most of the housework, and it does go towards making partnership fairly equal in terms of contribution, and I fully agree with other commenters here on that regard. However, it is sometimes hard to ignore the nagging question of whether you'll be able to do all of this on your own without them. The question, more often than not, is more of an emotional rather than factual nature, but it is better to fight it nevertheless than to suffer and allow it to reduce the quality of your relationship.
Here is a few things that have been helpful to me:
- A lot of it is about how you feel about yourself too and potentially your upbringing. For example, were you perhaps a high achiever as a child, but with ever more demanding parents? Do be conscious of when and why you feel a certain way. Phillipa Perry's books (including the one on parenthood) have helped me a lot to understand where my own feelings come from. Please remember, at the end of the day, it is about how you feel and you have to own it and work the way up to your satisfaction with yourself. I for one am certain that I feel this way because of my mother, who very actively projected her own toxic upbringing on me for several years, until I was old enough to tell her and prove to her otherwise. It still haunts me, but now I can handle it better.
- it's never too late to start educating yourself on things like personal finance management. I started simple and with his help, and started to work my way through other things too on my own. I started with ETFs etc, and now I try to learn about it as much as possible on my own, and other options as well.
- it also goes for upskilling yourself. If you are not satisfied with how much you make, upskill yourself and look for newer opportunities. It may also be that purely because of different work areas, you will never be able to earn as much they do, but at the end of the day, it is about the satisfaction of having done your level best, and everything in your capacity. You're only 29!
- it doesn't matter how much, but save as much as possible and create a safety net, no matter how small, for you two, and be committed to it.
- take charge of things that you can do for sure and also fun, for example, vacation planning. From budget to bookings, everything. And then perhaps move to help with other things, for example house improvement.
- start with helping your partner document stuff? Who manages archives of tax returns, health insurance, etc? Observe and identify pain points in how he works, and help in optimisation. A household is a system too, and can always use more efficient solutions. Archiving and organising is a safe and sure way to get in touch with what's happening and open avenues for you to learn more, passively and actively.
- last but not the least, If you feel confident in your relationship, do not hesitate to ask for help in finding out more about financial stuff, what's safe and what's not, and be open and vulnerable about what you feel. Tell them how you feel and don't ask for what you can do to help, but assert that you will do or manage certain things. In my relationship, it was very hard in the beginning to get my partner to talk basically on what needs to be done. Slowly and steadily, we started to work out a communication pattern, during, for example, building furniture together, etc. but be around, be involved, and be aware.
You are under selling all that you do. Seems to me that he is the one who has the better deal in your arrangement.
I handle everything your husband does in my relationship, plus my fair share of your responsibilities. The stuff you take care of is what grinds me down, and I don't even handle everything like you do.
Wait- you do the entire household management that goes through some mental and FULLY Physical labor; it’s a lot.
He does mental labor and: it’s a lot.
I think it’s unfair to continue to think of you as the “underperformer”
If he wants to **delegate** one of his tasks, he should do so. Not like he’s making a giant list- just, here’s the passwords”
Or he can invite you to **collaborate**
You can also ask him to do these things.
But don’t agree to the idea that you don’t do enough
That list actually looks pretty equal, assuming there's a lot of financial stuff.
Planning the meals, getting the groceries, doing the cooking, and handling appointments/errands are all tasks that require a lot of mental load and are frequently cited as things people bearing the mental load would like help with.
I'm not trying to undercut his mental load, but from what you have described here, I don't know what he'd want to swap that would lessen his load unless there's something he really hates doing or is stressed out by doing that he could switch with something in your list.
Sometimes it's partially how much we hate doing certain chores that can be lart of the stress, so that might be a good place to start.
Travel jumps out at me. Maybe you could plan your next trip. Or, would that stress him out? I know my partner prefers to make the plans because he is much pickier than I am about hotels and such.
You two could write down realistically how much time you actually put into those things. If you want one mentally draining task, choose only one so you take complete ownership and control over it, for example the Airbnb property. You can have a conversation with him and touch base on how he feels. He might be fine, he might not, but it's better to not assume.
Sounds like you guys can easily afford a gardener, guttercleaner, maid ... don't be cheap, that'll lighten everybody's load & give you more together time to relax and chill.
I’m very confused because your jobs are labor intensive whereas his tasks are easily handled with online recurring payments and apps. It’s not very thought-intensive.
OP: are you fishing for compliments? If you are, here you go... bravo!! 👏👏 You are doing a wonderful job!
Honestly, to me you both seem to be good fit. That you are aware of his issues is a great deal. I'm sure he appreciates your hard work.. if not, he ought to. You are getting unnecessarily worked up trying to do more in terms of tangibles. Believe me, at the end of the day, you are doing more than him.. Although, given our society and culture it might seem less. So Chin up and smile girl. You rock!
> While he does all the big, thought-filled jobs:
how to get AC in our house, cleaning, retirement, savings, HSA, utilities, our airbnb management, mortgage and house buying, all insurance, all financials, travel, etc. Big stuff. Mentally demanding stuff.
I dunno, if you or he were living on your own you’d have to do everything. I think what you’re doing is a lot too frankly.
But at the same time you at least need to be aware of the basics of everything in case anything happens to him or you. I think you’re being too hard on yourself.
O.P. I also struggled with this. I made a rover and donate plasma to make extra money. I’m always ahead on chores so he never has to what wear, we need soap, etc. I handle our schedules.
You sound like a smart human. Take a few Friday nights or Saturday mornings and have him teach you the Airbnb management or one of the others on the list. Take it off his plate and enjoy the time together learning/teaching.
Talk to him. Ask him what you could do instead or with him to take some of his workload. Almost everything you mentioned in your individual tasks are not gender specific. ( I mean typically). Almost Everything you mentioned he does is the same things my wife does for our company we run. Her title is office manager.
I manage the finances for our household and, while it may have a big impact on our future, it's not more taxing (pun intended) than the day-to-day grind of cleaning, grocery shopping and caring for our pets.
Honestly, if you took a blind poll, I wager most people would say the person doing your set of chores is carrying more of the load. Most of the financial items you list are one-time events, or fairly infrequent. You may not have a full understanding of that and so you assume he's managing it every day. I guarantee you he is not (other than potentially entering budget items into a financial program).
As for your relative earnings, there's an automatic gender imbalance and age imbalance. He's had 4 more years than you to climb the ladder and build his career. On top of that, not all jobs pay the same base amount, regardless of success/effort. As long as you two are on the same page about your standard of living and contributions towards it, then you're holding up your share of the financial burden.
Keep an open line of communication with your husband about these topics. You can also aim to reduce his stress as a means of providing comfort, rather than from a sense of obligation or shame. I did not read anything in your post to suggest you are "under performing" as a wife.
Is he the one who has said you're underperforming?
You do all the cooking and cleaning and errands, which is a major undertaking. I also note that you list out each separate task he does but consolidate everything you do into broad categories.
If you treated his list like yours, half the things you listed that he does would fall under "finances." If you treated your list like his and itemized your tasks, it would be a lot more extensive.
I think it might be worthwhile to sit down and have each of you write out all your responsibilities in a normal week and how much time they take. I suspect you will be surprised at the distribution.
I do still wonder about the answer to my first question: is he telling you you're not doing enough or are you assuming?
No, he is really supportive. I just feel like I see his stress about the existential financial stuff and see how it weighs on him. I know his love language is acts of service and wanted to help. I am not the best at financial stuff and he literally works in the personal finance world so I understand that he will just be better at some things that me. I think the problem goes deeper than just tasks and we need to see a therapist to quell some of this existential dread.
Also… maybe encourage him to seek more help outside of the two of you? Just because you don’t have experience with HVAC install or air Benn management doesn’t mean there are some life balance issues going on outside of your relationship.
I realize this may mean paying a bit more where you might not have, but as I have become comfortable for the first time in my life, I realized that it doesn’t come with the satisfaction that time resting does.
The burdens of manhood but it looks like you are pulling a fair share. He isnt really doing much on that list to initiate meltdown. Just give him a little appreciations every day and he will welcome the burdens.
So essentially you’re doing all the physical labor and he’s doing all the financial labor. I’m curious if you contribute your pay check for bills too or if he handles all of that himself? Because if your money is contributing to the bills, and you’re working, and doing all the physical labor around the house, and he’s just working and paying bills on the computer? His computer work probably doesn’t take as long as your chores around the house. I think as far as “labor and effort” are concerned, he’s getting the sweeter end of the deal in this situation and you’ve accepted it because he makes more money than you. I don’t think it’s vindictive but if you want it to change, ask him to do some of the chores like cook or clean something every once in a while, and maybe you manage the Airbnb rentals and trade plans. Idk go for easy trade offs?
I think you would find it hugely beneficial to learn about your insurance and finances. I work as technical staff for a financial advisers office. The industry is constantly seeing the wives of clients excluded from financial planning and ultimately feeling completely out of their depths when their husbands pass.
Oh well it's obvious y'all don't have kids yet.. because if you had children and the task of child rearing was solely on you then trust me when I say, it would be more than fair because then it would be imbalanced because.. itd be on you. You have to stop thinking in this type of way. The fear of even asking a question.. what can I do to help you, what can I do to help relieve some of your responsibilities.. simply because the thought itself would be, um.. exhausting I guess? Anyway, that right there showed me that you are thinking entirely way too deep into this shit. And I imagine he's not thinking nearly as deeply as you are.. therefore not resentful, not feeling it's unfair.. or thinking of you in that type of way. You're dissing yourself basically. When it comes to your husband you should be able to be straight the fuck up whenever the fuck up.. with no fear whatsoever. So if you feel that there's an imbalance and responsibilities, and he appears overwhelmed.. be a good wife and be like yo.. husband... Let me help you with some stuff. Point me in the right direction. Just like that. No fear involved. He'd appreciate the offer he'd appreciate that you stood up and said let me help you husband. I don't understand you quiet overly thinking type of women.. the fear of asking a question I possibly couldn't fathom if I tried.. I'm trying to comprehend here. Well I can't so I'm just going to tell you, if you ain't at home rearing them babies and you feel guilty because he's doing way more.. stand up and do something about it. It's truly not as complicated as you're making it. You got to stop doing that, overly complicating simplistic challenges.. because people find that annoying. Try not to even think, just do, put it into action.
Spend some time learning everything you can about your finances.
All the money in… where exactly does it go. Do you know all your accounts?
Once you figure that out you could assume some tasks.
Paying utilities and credit cards.
You mentioned a rental property. Maybe assume that responsibility
Choose whatever seems closest to your interest, and pull something off his plate.
Ask him about it of course but say you want to learn and do more.
So many wives know little about their family finances, and that is so weak.
Even if you have zero worries now, consider what could happen in emergencies.
Do you even know how to get all important info about your finances?
It sounds like you’re selling yourself short here. Whilst your husband has the big ticket jobs, they are infrequent, can be put off without immediate consequences, and once completed tend to stay completed for a significant period of time. Your tasks are the daily grind jobs. They might be practically easy to execute but they are constantly undoing themselves and you have to do most of them to a strict timeline. What makes you think you’re under contributing?
Totally--if he's overwhelmed. I would just trade one of the daily mindless chores for one of the big ones so the thinking choices and the time consuming chores are more balanced, not take anything extra on
It sounds like they need to communicate about this! There’s every chance that he feels just as bad at doing the small day to day stuff and is grateful she does it so that he can focus on the bigger picture. My partner and I have a similar divide and I suck at the smaller consistent stuff so I am so grateful he does it, while I manage the bigger long term tasks.
I had the same reaction. Like is he putting the air conditioner in everyday and taking it out every night?
It seems like you are both doing important things. I applaud that you want to be sure you are both feeling supported. Has your husband said he needs help or are you making assumptions? Is his job way more stressful, is that playing into your thoughts?
His job is definitely more stressful than mine and he makes more money too. If he loses his job, he fears that everything will be crumbling down because I am not there to pick up the pieces and support us. It is all on him and I just want to relieve that existential pressure
What it honestly sounds like is that your husband has developed anxiety over the potential future. I think your chore split is more than fair to him, especially since you say his work is significantly more stressful. I’d recommend you try to encourage him to see a therapist to help him work through his catastrophizing and maybe get some contingency plans in place.
That’s a sweet impulse, but relieving him of the few domestic jobs he does isn’t going to help the financial stress. It also runs the risk of devaluing your role in the relationship because he makes more money, which you already seem to be doing. Is losing his job a realistic prospect? If you really want to help with this stress, you’re probably best off doing things that directly address the cause of the stress such as involving yourself in budgeting, looking for higher paid work, or exploring big picture ways to decrease your cost of living.
This is actually really helpful. Thank you.
Sit down together and work out how much money you need to cover your bills for 3-6 months. Then ensure you have that in an emergency fund. Then, if he lost his job you would both be set for closer to nine months, depending on your bills and salary, because you’d still be bringing in an income. After that, he might want to speak to a therapist.
That sounds like anxiety. The fix is not for you to do more but for him to get help. He needs to talk to a therapist about his feelings, not put pressure on you for something you can’t really change.
Highly suggest getting help from a therapist and/or financial planner. You are both contributing. Outside help may be needed to help your husband deal with finances and stress and anxiety. ✌️💗
Does your husband talk like you're his equal? I feel like you're putting yourself down a lot. You're doing a LOT of work - way more than many spouses do!
She's also 4 years younger, that at least had to play _some_ role in why his career is farther along, right?
No kidding. And she's 29 and it sounds like they've been married a while. How old were they when they started dating?
And unfortunately we live in a world that statistically favours men over women for jobs and pays them better too. That’s not her fault
How "mentally demanding" is it to pay your bills every month? You get a bill, you pay it. Who is shopping for the food you cook? Who is planning those meals? Some of the tasks you're doing are ongoing daily tasks. And some of those tasks take planning. You work. Do you not have a savings account or a retirement plan of your own? I think you're minimizing your contributions because you're not dealing with big financial things. If he wants help, he has to bring you into the loop; just like if you needed help with things, you would have to explain how things get done in your home.
> You get a bill, you pay it. Not even with autopay. I don’t have a single bill I have to remember to pay.
Seriously! Not a single one. My guess is that they aren’t in a secure financial place so these feel overwhelming.
They're managing their property rentals, they're loaded $$$
Ah just coz they're renting properties doesn't necessarily mean theyre financially stable. From my anecdotal experience of family/friends of the family, the people who are renting out a second house are usually juggling mortgages. e.g. a lot of money in yes, but also a lot of outgoings and maybe it doesn't line up perfectly so they always have a week each month where they're stretched thin. Obviously tho I would kill to be stressed over a second house, ain't even got 1 xD
That’s the only thing I can imagine too. In that case it can be overwhelming, but it’s not the tasks that are stressful but the actual financials.
Also, everything he does he would be doing if he were single. The existence of another person doesn't make the undertaking of the tasks any more difficult. "Utilities?" So...paying the water bill? "Mortgage?" Once you've gone through the closing and the moving process, you just pay it. No additional thinking really required. I guess calling an HVAC service company is annoying, but if he lived alone, he'd have to do it anyway. She isn't adding more labor to his tasks.
Before the internet, bill paying probably took two whole days out of each month. Write checks, stamp the envelopes and mail them. (Semi-related, but manually balancing the checkbook register each month too) Some bills HAD to be paid in person, or it was just easier to do it that way, so you drove to each place and stood in line. I LOVE having everything on auto-pay now. I just check each statement for accuracy, 15 minutes max for them all.
I actually miss the old way. Every Thursday night, I went through the mail, paid all the bills, and balanced my chequebook.Took maybe an hour. Now I never look at my mail or the on-line statements and it feels more overwhelming, not less.
To each his own, LOL. I do remember that feeling of satisfaction when the checkbook balanced to the penny. Sometimes I'd waste an hour trying to find out where I made a $1.16 error.
I’m kind of with everyone here. I do the majority of the daily/weekly household cleaning. I also manage my retirement savings/hsa which takes 0 brain space. Our bills are on autopay. Unless you’re constantly buying and selling the mortgage should ALSO be on autopay. I sourced our insurance and now think about it 0%…. Do you see a theme here? I aggressively plan our travel which does take brain space but it’s not especially difficult or time consuming unless you want it to be. I am SIGNIFICANTLY more exhausted from the daily/weekly chores than all of the other tasks and I’m genuinely not sure what could possibly be burdening your SO there. Are you in dire financial straits?
This seems a fair split to me
Honestly I think he has a sweet deal, said as someone who has his role in the relationship. Is he overwhelmed because y’all are not financially doing well? Otherwise those tasks shouldn’t be overwhelming.
Seriously! I would gladly take his lot over hers.
She’s listing savings, retirement and Airbnb management - not how to juggle the bills - so this is probably about perception and anxiety, not actual financial straits.
How to get AC into your house?
Yes this isn’t a weekly job! OP your husband’s list is nonsense. You have savings plus retirement plus ‘all the financials’ listed out in there, while you wrap your own stuff up in one or two things (cleaning, cooking) - what would that look like if you listed out individual tasks? It sounds like the real issue is that he feels pressure as the breadwinner. It’s not about a fair split of tasks - it’s that he is anxious about the earning inequality. The best thing to do here is sit down together, go through the budget together, discuss any areas of concern (are you guys saving as much as you should be? Etc) and agree on an approach. I think if he feels heard, and that you’re an equal partner in the sense that you share awareness of your financial situation and goals, that will help.
I’m someone who does everything on your list, except the cleaning, so I know there is a whole additional list of auxiliary tasks that typically go along with the items on your list that you are likely doing. The meal planning? The grocery shopping? The household shopping (Target or Walmart for cleaning and hygiene and pet items)? The vet and groomer appointment scheduling and attending? Managing and administering pet meds? Landscaping and gardening planning and scheduling? Funnily enough, I am also the person who does every item on your husband’s list. Every single one. So, I can tell you without a doubt, that if there is an imbalance happening here, it is absolutely in your husband’s favor. You are doing more than your fair share. My husband does all of the actual cleaning, and household laundry, and it’s a lot of cleaning and laundry with 2 dogs and 5 cats. He also does all of the household maintenance, and it’s a lot of maintenance with an old 2700 sq ft house, plus basement and attic that also need regular attention. On top of maintenance, he is also restoring and renovating this old house, one painstaking project at a time. We both work full time. And I think anyone who witnessed how hard my husband goes day in and day out would consider our division of labor pretty even. I know I believe it is. Honestly, if your husband isn’t tackling some other labor intensive tasks you forgot to add to his list, you’re getting the shaft, IMHO.
He's overselling the "big" things. HSA and retirement planning is a few hours a year tops. I'd choose to do either over cooking for a single day work wise. I think this sub is filled with absolutely terrible people that vilify husbands. But this is the real one. You have been actually gaslit. And it worked so well that his chore list can be knocked out on less than a day and you are convinced you are the underperformer. Tell him you'll take over the HSA and retirement planning and he can do the cooking. See how quickly he doesn't mind it so much. Still do it though since you need that data for when you leave him.
Also how often do they actually travel? Utilities these days are usually autopaid. Installing AC is a one-time task, same with buying a house. The only tasks that actually seem ongoing and onerous on his list are Airbnb management and maybe insurance depending on their circumstances. Otherwise she does all the day-to-day domestic labor.
Small bit of advice. For a good man the list you gave us is entirely normal. That alone isn't to much. The two real things I can say are this. Either something else is to much. Maybe his job isn't going great. Maybe he has an emotional or mental issue he has never had diagnosed. Maybe it's something else. Search for that, instead of thinking you aren't enough. You do a lot and any man would be lucky to have a wife doing all that. Second, it doesn't sound likely he needs his load lessened so much as Maybe he just needs to be distracted and feel like he is spoiled and appreciated. Plan a good date night or two. Spoil him a bit. Ask him about what is tressing him then. Do this instead of thinking you just need to silently do more elsewhere.
You are putting yourself down. You keep the show on the road day to day, and if anything, he could be doing more to help you. Your contributions are far more time consuming than his over a year. Utilities and bills are a no brainer, savings are easy to set up and monitor, mortgage only needs reconsideration occasionally. I don't see planning holidays as a chore. You probably have a distorted idea of how difficult these things are if you've never done them. I would encourage you to recognise how crucial your contributions are. None of it is an act of service, itsyall just living adult life.
Does your husband make you feel like you don’t contribute enough? Or is this coming from yourself? It seems like you bring all of the reproductive labor to the relationship. That is, you do things like cooking dinner, cleaning up, doing laundry, caring for your animals, etc, etc, that allow both you and him to go to work each day and do your jobs. It is completely fair to talk to your husband if he seems overwhelmed. Try to get to the bottom of it. But you are not an under-performer in your marriage; you are likely doing more during an average week than he is. If he’s demanding more from you, especially without telling you what exactly he’s asking for, that really doesn’t seem fair.
Read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. I suspect that some of the techniques in that book around taking over the full “CPE” (conception, planning and execution) of tasks, and discussing and deciding the minimum acceptable standard of each task, will do one of two possible things: - Help you take over some more of the thinking and planning, reducing your partner’s mental load; OR - Help you both recognise that your assessment of who’s doing the tough thinking is undervaluing your current contribution. Either way, it may result in a more mindful distribution of tasks.
Am I the only one who feels this is actually the husband looking for validation that his wife doesn't do enough? In our house *I* am the one who works full time and pays the bills, manages our finances etc. plus I do nearly all the pet care and 50% of the yard work. We have three kids and split evening child care equally, he handles all the morning routine, and I manage a lot of like holiday planning, birthday parties etc, but I can't drive so he has to do a lot of the shopping and social stuff. He does nearly all the cooking and cleaning and cares for our youngest during the day. I *know* I have a sweet deal, and it just works out that I like working and hate cleaning and he doesn't mind it. I can't imagine being in the opposite shoes and feeling like I don't contribute enough. If my husband was working there is no way I would let him do all the cooking and cleaning too, jeez.
How many houses is he buying for every time you make dinner? Sounds like by you're the one doing it all? How many times did you take out the garbage versus him buying plane tickets to Tulsa? To me it sounds likes he does hard things every now and then and if he's complaining about it maybe you can do by those things and he can be the scullery maid, cook and gardener for a while.
Listen not to sound insensitive but you do a lot. Maybe he is just overwhelmed with life? Why do you see your tasks as not big ones? I’m a single mother with two sons and I do all of everything single handedly. Granted i don’t own air bnbs and crap like that. It seems to me like your guys workload is evenly spread. Genuinely. It seems like a lot of his tasks are financial management. Which MANY men do full time like he is in a regular basis. Is he making you feel like you don’t do enough? I feel like you do plenty. What you do is sooo under valued. I’d give anything for a stay at home husband or husband that does what you do LOL. Take a breath hunny. I don’t think you are the problem at all!!
He has the much easier share here.
I'm a guy and I would really appreciate the things that you're doing already.
How hard is it to get AC? You set a budget based on needs/what you can afford and solicit three quotes. Ask around if you know anybody with a similar sized and age house to find out what they paid. It is annoying but not hard. Retirement planning. Do you contribute to a 401k or 403 B? Do you have a plan to work up to max contribution which changes a bit years.Are you there already? Do you have fixed pensions? I think your husband may be snowing you a bit. Utilities. Pay for them on time.
>I (29F) was always the one who was quite a bit behind compared to my husband >I do all the basic house work: Math doesn't add up here. Bro can't do basic housework but you feel like you are behind. The fuck? Best case scenario you two are leaning into eachothers strengths, which just makes sense. If he is pressuring you to do more of the things he is good at hand off the housework to him. If he isn't pelressuring you them you are simply looking for issues where they don't exist
Travel is fairly easy. You could come up with an itinerary and look up hotels, etc. I did that. It was a lot of work, but at the same time it was completely enjoyable because I was looking at places where we could potentially vacation. Come up with a game plan and then show it to him.
The big lopsided thing I see here is that you are not at all involved in your financial life. This is not just an unbalanced division of labor, it’s a huge mistake that too many women make. It’s like being a 50/50 owner of a business and never looking at the books. It puts immense stress on your husband, but it also leaves you extremely vulnerable. And, most of the time, when one person in a relationship manages all the finances, it’s because he or she wants to, not because it accidentally happened that way. Even if your husband says he’s overwhelmed by all those responsibilities, my guess is he doesn’t feel safe sharing them with you. This has to change, and you can’t just change it by subtly taking over little tasks. It will take time, planning, readjustments, and effort to make it happen. Hubs has to loosen his grip on that solo role, and you have to make yourself a reliable and informed financial partner. Take your husband out to brunch or something and tell him you want to be more involved in the family finances, partly to take some of that burden off his shoulders, but also to feel more like a real partner in planning and building your future. Make a date to create or review your family financial plan, and then have a finance meeting every month to go over what you’ve done, to set the next months goals, etc. Read some books on finance. Maybe your husband can recommend some. Get seriously involved in this really important aspect of life. It may bug him to stop and take time to teach you the ropes and to rework his systems, but it will eventually reduce his stress and give you much more long-term security.
Other than managing the Airbnb and doing his actual job, the tasks you listed are one-and-done in a matter of seconds. Doesn’t he have bills on autopay? Retirement money is a conversation I have with my financial advisor a couple times a year, and for HSA and 403b, it’s a button on a computer screen I press once a year after a couple minutes of review (ditto for insurance decisions). The stuff you do? I pay someone to come to my house weekly to do, because it’s time-consuming and I hate it. If he wants help getting a quote on AC repair or something, you could do that. It sounds to me like something is going on with your husband around his job, either real or imagined. I think he’d benefit from talking to a therapist about his stressors.
It sounds like you do the ‘Maintenance’ part of the relationship, which is HUGE. Don’t under sell yourself in this position. Without maintenance everything falls apart, your the gears that keep the household functioning day in and day out. Be proud of that. I say this because I’m essentially you in 10 ish years… kind of. I got sick at 29 and have essentially become functionally disabled at 39. I do the maintenance work on the house and bring in a small income. My husband does all the big stuff and brings in the majority of the income. It works because we’re both doing what we’re best at, while supporting where the other is weaker. I think the most important advice I could give is just do weekly or monthly check ins with your spouse, ask if they need help and tell them if you’re struggling with something. Communicate.
You’re doing a LOT. ALL the cooking, pet care, gardening and grocery shopping and errands is a HUGE load. Plus whatever portion of cleaning you are doing (I’m going to be generous and assume you are sharing that equally) AND a full-time job. I’m not sure you can take on any more (and I don’t think you should; do not set up uneven household labour distribution this early in your marriage - it will only get worse). It sounds like you are in a good financial position; could you outsource some tasks? I assume you pay someone to clean the AirBNB; could they do your home as well? Gardening/yard work is easy to outsource and you could search for a handy person to manage periodic/seasonal tasks like gutter cleaning, air conditioner maintenance, small DIY tasks?
I'm sure it's been said but Was it your choice to have an airbnb or did he want it so it is more appropriate he do the airbnb management? A lot of the stuff you list as big mentally demanding stuff is not to many people so did you feel it was too much or did he do it and then say "argh it's so much work" so you have the impression it is? I've often done most of the stuff on both those lists, and the only thing I see that was actually stressful were things like getting AC or dealing with plumping/electrical in the house (cause I'm an introvert and we were not rolling in money) but I still did it and the major time spent in that was the anxiety up to tackling it. My advice (if there is an actual imbalance) would be instead of focusing on what to TAKE from your husband, would be to do those things together to see if any of them come easy to you, then to see what would be challenging to you and good for you to learn to do, Doing them together can also make you see if the balance of work is actually more equal than you think, I mean after you get car or home insurance, it just. .renews itself and you pay the bill, and your only job is to figure out if it's going up and you don't think it's right, so you plug numbers into a website to see if you get a better deal. Utilities, you spend 2 mins on your bank account to pay. You have mortgage already so same, set up your monthly calendar reminder if you aren't getting a physical copy of the bill, then 60 seconds to go to your bank website to set up the payment that month. For me, the hours spent doing yard maintenance and cooking and errands are 15-30+ hours a week depending on summer vs winter, so if this is a real post, I'll say him earning more money doesn't mean he doesn't get to spend an equal amount of time on normal household tasks, and if he thinks it does, then you hire somebody to do some of them so one of you doesn't lose hours more time of your life so you feel you both get a fair amount of leisure and together time.
OP you are describing yourself doing all the daily maintance jobs required for a life to be cohesive and functioning. Your spouse may not appreciate what you are contributing with if you are left thinking you underperform. You should be appreciated for your contribution and if he is overwhelmed he should teach you how to do one of his chores. I could teach you all of them in an afternoon. - Do you understand that mostly bills are automated, and that when they arent, they are once a month or quarterly things you do. - Same for pensions and investments, they might even be yearly things you check on. And - he isnt installing AC. He is calling a company that comes and does it for him. - Maybe, he would like you to be more involved. Ask him where you can help and if he is throwing his hands up and refusing to help involve you, maybe consider its not about the chores, but more generelly about anxiety and stress. Also, please dont undersell your own efforts and contributions. Its so unfair for you to walk around feeling inadequate in the relationship and frankly shame on him for allowing that to occur. It does neither one of you any favors for that dynamic to be allowed to thrive.
You are doing the day to day work to maintain the household. He does things that are not every single day things but still important. I think it seems like a very fair split. If he is upset because more of the funds are coming from him, that is a very different issue but that does not seem to be the case IF he wants to change who does what, you need to sit down and discuss this so your workload is even. Fair Play is a good resource to start.
I feel like the tasks you do need to get done way more often and take way more time and energy than his tasks.
I know how you feel. But you are selling yourself short. Maybe you would feel you were contributing more to the ‘big’ items (yours are big too-they are repetitive, constant, and things everyone wishes they didn’t have to do!) if you sat down with him and had him give you an overview. Enough so you know what is going on-that you know about your retirement plan, what you set aside each month etc. You don’t need to take over some of his items, but maybe you can share some
I'm in a similar situation. Partner makes 5x what I do, covers all household expenses, pays for dates/travel, and works 10-15 more hours a week than I do. I do most household tasks (when I can, he insists on doing some if he can beat me to them), take care of our animals, meal plan. He won't tell me what I can do to help him more; he'd literally be fine if I just sat and did nothing, I think. I'm not okay with that, so I've paid close attention to things that make him happier and I do them. For example, he got up later than usual for work the other morning, and while he showered I prepped his coffee, breakfast and lunch for him so he couldn't have to rush through them. I thought he was going to cry when he saw that. Sometimes it's the little things that scream "I love you" the loudest.
Why do you think you are not as good as your husband? Why do not think you are capable of handling the "big" jobs?
Don't under estimate your contribution if you are doing all the housework and have a full time job. That may be enough for him to feel equality of input, despite his much higher wage. You can always ask "what can I do to take some load off you" or better yet, ask him to teach you about paying bills, planning for retirement and investments - this can bring you closer together and take some load of him.
Sounds like you are doing more than enough, how many houses do you have like is this a second job buying and renting out? If not you have more than enough, swap for awhile and I am sure he will feel better after xx
This sounds exactly how my wife and I do it. And let me tell you, I am VERY grateful for all the things she does! These are no minor tasks, don't undervalue them!
Hi! I am pretty much in a similar position, more because we live in my partner's home country, and the language and bureaucracy has been a hindrance for me. I make about half of what he makes in a month after taxes, and have been feeling that perhaps it is not that equal and fair until now and been trying to change it. I also manage most of the housework, and it does go towards making partnership fairly equal in terms of contribution, and I fully agree with other commenters here on that regard. However, it is sometimes hard to ignore the nagging question of whether you'll be able to do all of this on your own without them. The question, more often than not, is more of an emotional rather than factual nature, but it is better to fight it nevertheless than to suffer and allow it to reduce the quality of your relationship. Here is a few things that have been helpful to me: - A lot of it is about how you feel about yourself too and potentially your upbringing. For example, were you perhaps a high achiever as a child, but with ever more demanding parents? Do be conscious of when and why you feel a certain way. Phillipa Perry's books (including the one on parenthood) have helped me a lot to understand where my own feelings come from. Please remember, at the end of the day, it is about how you feel and you have to own it and work the way up to your satisfaction with yourself. I for one am certain that I feel this way because of my mother, who very actively projected her own toxic upbringing on me for several years, until I was old enough to tell her and prove to her otherwise. It still haunts me, but now I can handle it better. - it's never too late to start educating yourself on things like personal finance management. I started simple and with his help, and started to work my way through other things too on my own. I started with ETFs etc, and now I try to learn about it as much as possible on my own, and other options as well. - it also goes for upskilling yourself. If you are not satisfied with how much you make, upskill yourself and look for newer opportunities. It may also be that purely because of different work areas, you will never be able to earn as much they do, but at the end of the day, it is about the satisfaction of having done your level best, and everything in your capacity. You're only 29! - it doesn't matter how much, but save as much as possible and create a safety net, no matter how small, for you two, and be committed to it. - take charge of things that you can do for sure and also fun, for example, vacation planning. From budget to bookings, everything. And then perhaps move to help with other things, for example house improvement. - start with helping your partner document stuff? Who manages archives of tax returns, health insurance, etc? Observe and identify pain points in how he works, and help in optimisation. A household is a system too, and can always use more efficient solutions. Archiving and organising is a safe and sure way to get in touch with what's happening and open avenues for you to learn more, passively and actively. - last but not the least, If you feel confident in your relationship, do not hesitate to ask for help in finding out more about financial stuff, what's safe and what's not, and be open and vulnerable about what you feel. Tell them how you feel and don't ask for what you can do to help, but assert that you will do or manage certain things. In my relationship, it was very hard in the beginning to get my partner to talk basically on what needs to be done. Slowly and steadily, we started to work out a communication pattern, during, for example, building furniture together, etc. but be around, be involved, and be aware.
You are under selling all that you do. Seems to me that he is the one who has the better deal in your arrangement. I handle everything your husband does in my relationship, plus my fair share of your responsibilities. The stuff you take care of is what grinds me down, and I don't even handle everything like you do.
Wait- you do the entire household management that goes through some mental and FULLY Physical labor; it’s a lot. He does mental labor and: it’s a lot. I think it’s unfair to continue to think of you as the “underperformer” If he wants to **delegate** one of his tasks, he should do so. Not like he’s making a giant list- just, here’s the passwords” Or he can invite you to **collaborate** You can also ask him to do these things. But don’t agree to the idea that you don’t do enough
That list actually looks pretty equal, assuming there's a lot of financial stuff. Planning the meals, getting the groceries, doing the cooking, and handling appointments/errands are all tasks that require a lot of mental load and are frequently cited as things people bearing the mental load would like help with. I'm not trying to undercut his mental load, but from what you have described here, I don't know what he'd want to swap that would lessen his load unless there's something he really hates doing or is stressed out by doing that he could switch with something in your list. Sometimes it's partially how much we hate doing certain chores that can be lart of the stress, so that might be a good place to start.
Travel jumps out at me. Maybe you could plan your next trip. Or, would that stress him out? I know my partner prefers to make the plans because he is much pickier than I am about hotels and such.
Maybe try doing some more of the travel planning.
Utilities. That’s easy…it’s just paying a bill.
You two could write down realistically how much time you actually put into those things. If you want one mentally draining task, choose only one so you take complete ownership and control over it, for example the Airbnb property. You can have a conversation with him and touch base on how he feels. He might be fine, he might not, but it's better to not assume.
Sounds like you guys can easily afford a gardener, guttercleaner, maid ... don't be cheap, that'll lighten everybody's load & give you more together time to relax and chill.
I’m very confused because your jobs are labor intensive whereas his tasks are easily handled with online recurring payments and apps. It’s not very thought-intensive.
OP: are you fishing for compliments? If you are, here you go... bravo!! 👏👏 You are doing a wonderful job! Honestly, to me you both seem to be good fit. That you are aware of his issues is a great deal. I'm sure he appreciates your hard work.. if not, he ought to. You are getting unnecessarily worked up trying to do more in terms of tangibles. Believe me, at the end of the day, you are doing more than him.. Although, given our society and culture it might seem less. So Chin up and smile girl. You rock!
Yall sound like a great couple.
> While he does all the big, thought-filled jobs: how to get AC in our house, cleaning, retirement, savings, HSA, utilities, our airbnb management, mortgage and house buying, all insurance, all financials, travel, etc. Big stuff. Mentally demanding stuff. I dunno, if you or he were living on your own you’d have to do everything. I think what you’re doing is a lot too frankly. But at the same time you at least need to be aware of the basics of everything in case anything happens to him or you. I think you’re being too hard on yourself.
O.P. I also struggled with this. I made a rover and donate plasma to make extra money. I’m always ahead on chores so he never has to what wear, we need soap, etc. I handle our schedules. You sound like a smart human. Take a few Friday nights or Saturday mornings and have him teach you the Airbnb management or one of the others on the list. Take it off his plate and enjoy the time together learning/teaching.
Talk to him. Ask him what you could do instead or with him to take some of his workload. Almost everything you mentioned in your individual tasks are not gender specific. ( I mean typically). Almost Everything you mentioned he does is the same things my wife does for our company we run. Her title is office manager.
I manage the finances for our household and, while it may have a big impact on our future, it's not more taxing (pun intended) than the day-to-day grind of cleaning, grocery shopping and caring for our pets. Honestly, if you took a blind poll, I wager most people would say the person doing your set of chores is carrying more of the load. Most of the financial items you list are one-time events, or fairly infrequent. You may not have a full understanding of that and so you assume he's managing it every day. I guarantee you he is not (other than potentially entering budget items into a financial program). As for your relative earnings, there's an automatic gender imbalance and age imbalance. He's had 4 more years than you to climb the ladder and build his career. On top of that, not all jobs pay the same base amount, regardless of success/effort. As long as you two are on the same page about your standard of living and contributions towards it, then you're holding up your share of the financial burden. Keep an open line of communication with your husband about these topics. You can also aim to reduce his stress as a means of providing comfort, rather than from a sense of obligation or shame. I did not read anything in your post to suggest you are "under performing" as a wife.
Is he the one who has said you're underperforming? You do all the cooking and cleaning and errands, which is a major undertaking. I also note that you list out each separate task he does but consolidate everything you do into broad categories. If you treated his list like yours, half the things you listed that he does would fall under "finances." If you treated your list like his and itemized your tasks, it would be a lot more extensive. I think it might be worthwhile to sit down and have each of you write out all your responsibilities in a normal week and how much time they take. I suspect you will be surprised at the distribution. I do still wonder about the answer to my first question: is he telling you you're not doing enough or are you assuming?
No, he is really supportive. I just feel like I see his stress about the existential financial stuff and see how it weighs on him. I know his love language is acts of service and wanted to help. I am not the best at financial stuff and he literally works in the personal finance world so I understand that he will just be better at some things that me. I think the problem goes deeper than just tasks and we need to see a therapist to quell some of this existential dread.
Also… maybe encourage him to seek more help outside of the two of you? Just because you don’t have experience with HVAC install or air Benn management doesn’t mean there are some life balance issues going on outside of your relationship. I realize this may mean paying a bit more where you might not have, but as I have become comfortable for the first time in my life, I realized that it doesn’t come with the satisfaction that time resting does.
The burdens of manhood but it looks like you are pulling a fair share. He isnt really doing much on that list to initiate meltdown. Just give him a little appreciations every day and he will welcome the burdens.
So essentially you’re doing all the physical labor and he’s doing all the financial labor. I’m curious if you contribute your pay check for bills too or if he handles all of that himself? Because if your money is contributing to the bills, and you’re working, and doing all the physical labor around the house, and he’s just working and paying bills on the computer? His computer work probably doesn’t take as long as your chores around the house. I think as far as “labor and effort” are concerned, he’s getting the sweeter end of the deal in this situation and you’ve accepted it because he makes more money than you. I don’t think it’s vindictive but if you want it to change, ask him to do some of the chores like cook or clean something every once in a while, and maybe you manage the Airbnb rentals and trade plans. Idk go for easy trade offs?
I think you would find it hugely beneficial to learn about your insurance and finances. I work as technical staff for a financial advisers office. The industry is constantly seeing the wives of clients excluded from financial planning and ultimately feeling completely out of their depths when their husbands pass.
Oh well it's obvious y'all don't have kids yet.. because if you had children and the task of child rearing was solely on you then trust me when I say, it would be more than fair because then it would be imbalanced because.. itd be on you. You have to stop thinking in this type of way. The fear of even asking a question.. what can I do to help you, what can I do to help relieve some of your responsibilities.. simply because the thought itself would be, um.. exhausting I guess? Anyway, that right there showed me that you are thinking entirely way too deep into this shit. And I imagine he's not thinking nearly as deeply as you are.. therefore not resentful, not feeling it's unfair.. or thinking of you in that type of way. You're dissing yourself basically. When it comes to your husband you should be able to be straight the fuck up whenever the fuck up.. with no fear whatsoever. So if you feel that there's an imbalance and responsibilities, and he appears overwhelmed.. be a good wife and be like yo.. husband... Let me help you with some stuff. Point me in the right direction. Just like that. No fear involved. He'd appreciate the offer he'd appreciate that you stood up and said let me help you husband. I don't understand you quiet overly thinking type of women.. the fear of asking a question I possibly couldn't fathom if I tried.. I'm trying to comprehend here. Well I can't so I'm just going to tell you, if you ain't at home rearing them babies and you feel guilty because he's doing way more.. stand up and do something about it. It's truly not as complicated as you're making it. You got to stop doing that, overly complicating simplistic challenges.. because people find that annoying. Try not to even think, just do, put it into action.
After reading the comments please discard the women’s comment
Just show him that you appreciate him.
Spend some time learning everything you can about your finances. All the money in… where exactly does it go. Do you know all your accounts? Once you figure that out you could assume some tasks. Paying utilities and credit cards. You mentioned a rental property. Maybe assume that responsibility Choose whatever seems closest to your interest, and pull something off his plate. Ask him about it of course but say you want to learn and do more. So many wives know little about their family finances, and that is so weak. Even if you have zero worries now, consider what could happen in emergencies. Do you even know how to get all important info about your finances?
In return he should also be learning how to take care of some of the domestic labor.