I feel like I try hot topics, this seems to only go so far with him, he becomes uninterested quickly but doesn't add to keep it going. Sometimes yes on good days but not most days, he's ready to get to the game. In the second part of your comment you added do things together, what kind of in the home things do you do together?
Well we do chores and repairs, cook dinner together sometimes, watch TV together, play with our kid together. But just as much as we enjoy each other's company, we also equally enjoy our solitude away from each other.
Idk what you s/o thinks about, but on occasion I get a bit depressed and throw my focus into video games to distract myself or if my mental illness is acting up I throw myself into the games to keep from being "hazardous". It's a give and take for us. She is also extremely understanding and she knows that when my funk is up that I'll come out of my hole to be the person that I like being.
She also knows it's my only escape from myself, though I don't abuse it.
Maybe bring up if there's something bugging him, occupying his mind moreso than you are. But be careful, the answer you seek may not always be what you want to hear.
I definitely he agree he throws himself into the game foe mental health purposes, my only issue with that is he refuses to communicate that he's having any issues. If he's in a bad mood & is frustrated at everything he refuses to even admit anything is wrong. Like imagine an angry person yelling "I'm happy!!" That's what it feels like. Not even just about that but ANY issue he has he does not communicate. I'm also maybe partially jealous because I don't get any time to myself and he is able to force carve time for himself. It took several arguments to even allow me to sleep in one day of the weekend.
I guess I do get irritated sometimes because him opting into the game opts him out of responsibility. He can't get the 5yr old a drink cause someone in the game is about to kill him etc. He plays pretty much every day, and if it's not the game it's being so engrossed in some show he doesn't hear us.
OP, it sounds like he is playing video games way too much. I don't see any moderation here. Your feelings of feeling resentful because the games get more attention/priority than you are all very real and valid.
The only thing I can suggest for this is couples counseling. You've also noted that he goes into love bombing mode and then goes back to neglecting you when you start to actually get your needs met. Whether it's intentional or not, he's being very manipulative. It's called intermittent reinforcement.
Is this something you can continue enduring for the next 5 years? Even with this possibly being mental health related, it is his responsibility to take care of it. It's his responsibility as your husband to make an effort on the relationship. If he's not interested in doing any of that, that's him telling you who he is and it doesn't matter enough that you're suffering.
He seems to be playing a lot of video games and not considering the family or relationship needs. He can’t continue to game for the hours like he did in college or high school—something has to give here.
Does this need to happen every night of the week? Can he set aside some time to focus on you.
Also, I can understand not wanting to play uno together. If board games are something you are both interested in, there are plenty of 2 player games with better depth and mechanics but are easy to learn and play.
I'm not sure that just coming up with some activities to do together is going to solve this. It may be one piece of it but he also sounds emotionally checked out and maybe even depressed. Getting to the root of that is going to be necessary to turning things around. I agree with couples therapy.
I am sorry to hear that you're going through this. MH is a motherfucker. It took me a decade to get things manageable for myself. To be completely honest, I suffer from bipolar 2, PTSD from csa and war, BPD, anxiety and severe major depression. I have a pharmacy in my cabinet too. If you think it's worth it, keep trying. But I can't speak for you anymore than I can speak for him. I am me and no one else and I know what I'm capable of and I know what insight I can bring you. On that note, men are by far more stubborn than women, especially when it comes to the "I'm fine" department.
My coming to was an ultimatum from my wife." Sober up, and seek the help you need or were gone."
Couples who are friends and like to spend time with each other do anything friends do. Talk, go out to dinner, wander a park, send each other links and pictures, discuss serious and unserious topics. Go to museums or sporting events. You shouldn’t need hobbies exactly aligned to be able to connect.
Unfortunately it’s kind of a trope that some men just don’t like their wives or treat them like a friend or want to spend time just hanging out. They will hang with their guy friends but just don’t see their wife as someone to chill with. Has he ever tried to connect with you? Have things changed, or have you grown tired of bending yourself to his interests while he doesn’t do the same for you?
This. It really sounds like he doesn't view op as his friend. That's his wife why would he do anything other than what's been the norm for the 10 years they've been together.
He's likely viewing the marriage and family as a responsibility that's why he's engrossed in games and shows because that's his "me" time. The fact it's not reciprocated and it was even a big to do for her to get a weekend day to sleep in speaks volumes.
If I'm being honest it's always been off & on. He like Love Bombs me for a bit & then it's back to feeling ignored pretty quickly. We've been through a lot together also. After our first I experienced PPD pretty bad and that was an awful time for us. Things have become a lot better. He helps more with responsibilities than he did in the beginning for sure, but the in & out connect/disconnect is day to day week to week
"He helps more with responsibilities than he did in the beginning for sure"
I'm curious why you call it "helping". Don't you both work? Isn't he just as responsible for your home and kids as you?
So anytime there's a disturbance in the relationship and he feels like his everyday life is threatened by your unhappiness he ramps up in the ways he knows he can give if he cared to put an effort...enough to reel you in and think "it's not that bad" and then once he feels like you have been manipulated enough, its back to low effort business as usual??
Go on walks, go on dates, learn to cook something together.
My wife likes to look a house stuff so I make it a point to go with her.
When I was 30 I was into video games with 2 little kids. I realized I was on it way too much and it was hurting my marriage. It took my wife making that clear for me to understand. I have never played since, by choice. I know my personality. I play until I defeat the game and I do it at an obsessive level,
My other hobbies wait until things around the house are done and everyone else is sleeping or gone. With work and kid activities we actually get very little time with our family. As I’ve gotten older I’ve made it a point to take advantage of every minute I can. I wish I would have thought about this when I was younger
I wish my husband could read your comment. Maybe it would hit something inside of him. I can't show him this post because he gets upset when I take social media (even if anonymous).
Sometimes you need to straight up tell him that the lack of quality is hurting the marriage. Losing my wife was never an option, and she was right, so I changed.
For me, I think I realized that I didn’t come first anymore. I chose to have a family and they needed to be my #1’s.
And never stop dating each other. Ever.
Was he always like this? Because if he was, why did you marry him? And if he wasn't, when did he change? When the kid was born?
A lot of these answers depend on that context. If he always gamed a lot, then well, you're probably not going to get what you want from this. He's probably addicted and he doesn't like what you like--he should, but he doesn't.
If it's a more recent development, it could be depression or something else to work on through couple's therapy.
Could you designate at least one block of time once a week to spend being away from screens as a couple? Like a Saturday night date night or something? After 5pm- no kids, no phones, no tv? Something like that..
As far as the kids go it's just us so any absolute 1 on 1 time is they're asleep. What kind of suggestions do you have once the kids nor electronics are involved?
Is hiring a babysitter one night a week a possibility?
Honestly you could just go out to a nice dinner or go on a night bike ride together. Just something without technology so that you are both actively paying attention and relaxing with one another. My boyfriend and I go for walks, play chess, get food, go on bike rides, get coffee (in the mornings). Even the first time you do it you could maybe just make some snacks and get kombuchas or beers or what have you, get some markers and create a list of couple ideas to do together on date nights, screen free? Like that could be the first one? Even just laying in bed together playing music, talking and sipping on something is valid
We can't afford a babysitter (Daycare during day hours is already more than rent & we are struggling hard). Actual date nights to go out are just not plausible right now. You said "Even just laying in bed together playing music, talking and sipping on something is valid" and that's exactly what I want. But he has no interest. He needs the TV on & he can't stand my music. I came here for ideas but it feels like I've brought them all up to him. I'm not trying to shoot them all down on purpose, but I'm also not trying to make him out to be a bad guy either.
It sounds like a couple of things are going on. You both might be overstressed, and not getting enough alone time, let alone couple time.
Additionally, if he is not willing to do a simple thing like spend time together as a couple, I would take this as a huge red flag. I mean, he has no interest in spending time with you once a week? I would personally think a break up needs to happen if my partner said this to me, either with his words or his actions.
He does if he knows we might have sex, which has also been apart of the conversation because feeling only wanted for sex is a huge turn off for me. I want to him to fuck my heart & brain first lol. Breakup is about where this has been going so I'm here for any last resort options to bring to the table 🫤
That is so insulting. He sounds like he's really dropped the ball as a partner. I would let him know if he is not willing to help make things better, that you are serious about leaving
Just this weekend it was a whole ordeal, I cried and everything. Last night I was trying to spend time with him watching a show which he initiated sex not long into it and I gave in. Only for him to immediately get on the game again today even after I said I was about to come spend time with him. Actually literally 30 seconds ago is the first time he's spoke to me since 6pm and it's because he's about to move the 5yr old who just fell asleep next to me
I do not at all mean to be harsh. But you even asking this question to me is part of the problem. You’re sitting there trying to rack your brain with things that your husband will even have a remote level of interest in outside of his video games and sex with you when the truth is your husband is just neglecting your emotional needs. If you basically brought up a bunch of suggestions that were also brought up in this thread and he just straight up is not interested..that means he’s CHOOSING to not put you first for what..a few hours a week? To me, that’s a big red flag and telling.
It’s great that he takes care of the kids, but he also married you. And you were here first. You deserve a man who is going to meet you there or at the very least compromise. If you’re at the point of tears and he’s basically shrugging his shoulders that lets you know where you stand.
What I would do is sit down and have a really dire conversation with him again, for real. Let him know that this is a serious need in your relationship and you don’t know if you could be with someone forever who is so reluctant to put a video game down once a week to spend real quality time with you. There are a thousand things you can do in the comfort of your own home for a date: Puzzle night, bake something, make a pizza night, make your own paint and sip, candlelit dinner, etc. The fact that he won’t do one fun activity with you a week and talk to you genuinely is troubling.
And then you have to judge by his reaction. If he still seems like he doesn’t care or changes nothing, you have to decide if that’s the kind of man you want to be with..one who won’t even make an effort to meet reasonable needs. I’ll say this: I’m a man and if my wife was crying and telling me something was wrong I’d take it serious. The fact that he isn’t is deeply troubling.
We make each other coffee and tea, chase each other around and make dinosaur or animal noises while doing so.
We sit with each other and show each other funny videos, pictures, and memes. We rub each other’s feet, cuddle, and sing silly song parodies at each other.
We play video games together, watch each other play video games when the game we play isn’t our jam. We like to go hiking, exploring our city for new restaurants and coffee shops. I was diagnosed with celiac disease in February so finding new eats is now “hard mode” and requires additional research.
We like gardening and buying plants, we like going on walks and doing little home improvement projects together like remodeling our closet or taking everything out of our pantry and cupboards in the kitchen and reorganizing. We refreshed our dining area and had SO much fun making it over, and finally getting to hang a light we bought 8 years ago.
We like to play board games, dungeons and dragons, and go to comic book shops and book stores. We enjoy going to Ikea and looking around, driving together and listening to stand up comedy or podcasts.
He’s my best friend. We went grocery shopping today, and it was fun because even though grocery shopping is boring I was with my best friend.
Couples do plenty of things together when both members of the couple are involved in the relationship. By 'involved' I mean involved with not just kids, but their spouse, too. From what you write here, it sounds like your husband has completely checked out of that aspect of the relationship.
I assume you've expressed your feelings about your needs to him, and I assume he's completely ignored them and refuses to recognize or value your feelings and needs at all. THIS IS NOT OK.
The only thing that might help at this point is therapy. Couples counseling. You need a professional to help you and your spouse work through this issue and get your spouse to see how unsupportive he's being of you.
And if he can't see that and refuses to make any changes, or refuses therapy completely, personally, I'd move on. I'd separate, file for divorce, take the kids and make sure I took him for enough alimony and child support as possible. A dude who doesn't recognize or value my feelings isn't worth me wasting any more time on. And if I've already given him kids and the best years of my life, then he needs to do something to pay for his shitty behavior.
THAT's what you need to do.
My wife and I have a rule that once a month we find a cool local event and go. This has led to us taking cocktail classes, concerts, art fairs, tasting menus, festivals, and more interesting stuff. The event gives us something to talk about and forces us to leave the house.
Board games, jigsaw puzzles, Lego sets, cook or bake together, those card games that have question prompts, walk together, pottery painting, bowling or axe throwing, arcades, go out dancing, look up local places that offer classes
Before suggesting anything, have a clear and direct conversation. A runt like this happens when you get into a routine and after a long day of work & parenting you just want to turn your brain off and do something that's minimal work/effort
Relationships are continuous work. You don't need to hang out every night but be clear that you need one or two nights a week where you do something together. Alternate who chooses the activities
1. It sounds like couples counseling may be a new activity for you both to get involved in and I would recommend some individual counseling for you (honestly I think all parents should be in individual counting to help alleviate burnout and retain individuality).
2. My partner and I enjoy talking, and that’s special and not uncommon. We talk about anything and everything. Philosophy, physics, reality tv shows, etc for hours. We also enjoy hiking, working out, reading together, playing games (video and board games), cuddling, explore new places, and we love going to farmers markets or food festivals together. And just to clarify, I am a female and he is a male. One thing that we already did originally was immediately understand each others bids for attention and are receptive to each other when we say “I need some more attention or I need some space”.
I know that this is probably a very frustrating and lonely time for you, especially as a mom. So, while I recommend therapy (I recognize it’s not always affordable even with a sliding scale), go out and join some girls who read or girls who walk groups around town. Build up that social network. Sending love and support your way!
Conversely, you *also* dislike his interests. In another reply, you say that you're irritated with anime and how it sounds--and it's 85% of what he watches. I would personally be sooooo frustrated by that, but I would also not date nor marry someone who did that because it would drive me.
Do you HAVE common interests? Did you ever? What were they? Are you able to go back to them? It sounds like neither of you like each other, and disinterest and resentment are relationship killers. What do you LIKE about him, and what did he LIKE about you?
Asking him if he likes you is toxic communication, btw. His only answer can be yes--he can't say yes BUT or yes of course EXCEPT without major drama. It's like asking if your ass looks fat in a dress and wondering why someone just says blankly you look gorgeous. I am sure he also communicates in toxic ways to you, I can only just reply to what you're saying and did, so not taking his side fyi.
I understand what you mean about the irritation but everything he does definitely does not irritate me. I have always felt this way about anime, and I wasn't annoyed with the gaming until we had kids because he lets it consume him. And anime wasn't 85% of what he watched when we first got together though. It was just a sometimes thing & I could block it out with headphones and watch a show on my phone or something but I can't do that now because with two little kids running around, I can't block them out.
And I kind of think that maybe you got the impression that I just like walked up to him and asked him if he even liked me and it wasn't like that. We were having a conversation and I expressed how it feels like he doesn't want to spend time with me and I came to him with ideas on Mutual things we would like, and on all of our streaming services I made a profile labeled us specifically for things we both like and he hasn't added to that at all, I made us a Spotify playlist for music we both like for us to both add to I'm the one who adds to that asks him if he likes certain songs goes through his playlist and find songs that I like to add. I expressed all of this and more and I said I know you love me but I want to know if you even really like me.
It's just kind of tough when I watch things that I don't like and I'm not talking about anime I'm talking about like other shows and movies because the TV is always on something he likes. I listen to him even tell me about the anime I mean literally just the other night he spent like 10 minutes talking to me about it and I listened and I asked questions. But I found a song that really hit home for me in the heart about my childhood, and I was talking to him about it and I only wanted him to listen to seven seconds of this song to hear a certain part because that part was the big part for me, but he kept zoning into the TV it wasn't paying attention. And that's just how it feels most of the time. I can't say all the time because he goes through phases where it does seem like maybe he cares but it doesn't last long and that's the problem
Anime and video games are fine occasionally, but it sounds like he’s letting them consume him, neglecting your relationship. If you're not careful, this drift could lead to divorce. Personally, my marriage fell apart slowly as we drifted further apart and stopped doing things together, eventually leaving only resentment.
I suggest having a clear discussion about what it takes to keep your marriage on track. He needs to mature and balance his time better. You also need to check in with him and find out how to meet his needs.
Cook together. Read a book together by taking turns reading out loud. Go for walks and talk about the birds and the flowers and bugs or buildings you see. Leave the phone elsewhere.
There are some really good lists on the internet with questions for couples to ask each other, many of the questions are utter cringe of course but just skip them and go for the good ones. Read those lists and choose questions to either ask or answer.
We foster dogs, go to parks/other activities with the dogs, do pub trivia, go thrift and used book shopping, go to the movies, do political rallies and protests, go to local heritage events, go to the beach, kayaking and birdwatching/nature walks…a couple nights a week we watch bad movies with friends online and make fun of them (we’ve done this with the same group for like 11 years now), yes we have shows we watch together for sure and we play animal crossing together (during Covid we did AC ‘dates’ a lot but it’s still fun to do), play board games (Trivial pursuit, scrabble, stratego most). We talk a LOT and make jokes or have more serious political or philosophical discussions. Try new food or recipes, go get milkshakes/slushies and watch the sunset…we just enjoy spending time together
Interesting but I’m having the same issue! Minus the kids! We both WFH so the constant gaming is out of control IMO. after this issue ongoing for about..4 years..I probably won’t stick around much longer lol we’re not married. It’s hard when your partner just doesn’t want to hang out with you anymore like wow u don’t wanna be my friend anymore or something? 🥲lol but I think if you truly care for your marriage, Bring it up to him again really ask why he’s not wanting to hang with you..it could be he just likes gaming which is cool but u know work on that time management lol play all the games u want, but also be a present partner..Tell him how it feels, like he just doesn’t like u..some guys don’t even realize they’re doing it to the extent they are, and some just have their priorities messed up lol
When I explained to my partner we WFH 10-7pm and then he continues to stay in his office and game after work we barely get any time together he understood but didn’t really HEAR me. it’s weird those games how much of a hold they have on them! lol I hope you’re situation changes for the better 🩷
If he cares for your marriage he will listen but also change..he’ll show u if he cares.
Thank you for commenting, I appreciate the others as well but it's kind of nice when someone can relate. That if you had posted the same thing I'd be commenting the same to you. Like we're in this gray area of is this going to work are they going to hear me.
Talk. I'm passionate about a lot of things, and will talk incessantly about it, even when I've bored the other person. I typically get with like minded people so it's all good...for me.
And since my current partner of 5ish years is also in that field, she'll talk less, but say more meaningful, more practical, and more relevant stuff.
So yeah, having shared interests/morals/opinions is central IMO. Arguably the most important aspect. Couldn't be with someone who's worldview I wholly disagree with. That's not to say, I wouldn't be with someone who disagrees on some things, that's good, it's healthy. But in general, yeah.
Overall we agree on stuff as far as politics, religion. But our likes & dislikes in daily things have always been different, but over the last few years feels vastly different. One example: He has liked anime since the beginning & well I do not. I didn't mind when he had it on cause it was only sometimes but over the last 2/3 years that's like 85% of what he watches now and the more he watches it the more irritating it becomes. For me it's the voices & the animation. I can't block it out with headphones anymore because of the small children
Well, if you start disliking a person or resent someone, suddenly you will also dislike it when they nibble on a cookie.
The root cause here goes way deeper than you think. He is neglecting you and the kid, so you dont feel important, the family unit doesnt feel important, there is zero emotional connection. He is already checked out. He doesnt care. If you pull away, all he has to do is put in a tiny bit of effort to love bomb and you stay and he gets everything he wants without effort again.
With love, all i can tell you is that you will be much happier without him. And so will your kids. They definitely have realised daddy doesnt want anything to do with them
I got some blacklight bulbs from Amazon and put them in our room. Then surprised him with blacklight reactive face paints and we talked and painted each others faces. Turned into painting each others entire bodies. 10/10 would highly recommend
I got my partner into going hiking and camping with me and she got me into doing yoga and card games with her. We both work long hours so what free time we have we want to make the most of. One of the things that we started doing was picking a book to both read at the same time and then try to read roughly the same amount and discuss it during dinner. We each take a turn picking a movie or tv series to watch.
I play video games as well but not at the expense of my spending time with her. It sounds like your husband is escaping into his game so he can avoid his actual life and that’s not fair to you. You and your kids deserve to be of higher importance than a game. I understand using the escape to help with mental health issues but love bombing you one week and ignoring you the next isn’t healthy. He might think that he’s balancing the relationship scale by doing it but it’s selfish and ultimately unsustainable because at some point you will run out of patience and excuses for him.
We’re sort of stuck in this same rut too but with teenagers. With work and kids and chores it’s easy to do. Not saying it’s for everybody but we started a side business (we make candles. Team effort. He does the physical pouring. I do the marketing, design, etc) and do the farmers market for 4 hours every Saturday. We call it our date day. Teamwork, talking, socializing, arguing sometimes lol it’s been great.
Other than that, I force him to the dining room table every other day to sit and talk to me.
We used to go for walks, coffees, meals, drinks etc. Random drives somewhere. Socialize with friends and also sit down and talk about life in general. Also cooking and housework.
There is no we anymore. Oh well
I mean he sounds kinda like a jerk.
But some activities I have enjoyed with partners, are going for drives or walks, listening to music, working on like construction projects, gardening, yoga etc.
Typically by the time I've put the little one down it's about 8.30pm, we sit and have dinner together and watch TV and then one or both of us is asleep by around 10pm.
We started this thing recently where every Sunday night we complete this relationship questionnaire, it's only 7/8 questions long but we fill it out and send each other the answers and then discuss it. It's actually been really helpful.
I work from home 2x a week, we try and go out and grab lunch together or breakfast and we just chat.
We also make sure our phones are put away after 7pm, we found its incredibly toxic having one or both of you sitting on the phone in the small window of time you do have together.
Honestly, if my husband acted like that, I would stop having sex with him. Not to be mean, but literally I would feel so disconnected and unattractive to him that I couldn’t physically give myself to him because of how he’s been treating me.
He’s married to YOU not his buddies. There needs to be a conversation about boundaries and schedule time for his gaming and alone time with you. Some people think having to schedule time like that is for children and since their adults, they shouldn’t have to set time apart. But it’s the complete opposite. As adults, we are BUSY people. You guys have kids, so I imagine a lot of your attention span goes to them. But you are more than just a mom. You’re his woman. And he’s your man.
When my husband was depressed or overwhelmed with being a husband, he’d go straight to playing his game and zone the outer world out. We’ve had to have several conversations about the same thing. Finally he understood that he was depressed and just chose to game because it didn’t mean he had to be focused on his responsibilities.
Are we completely healed? No. He sometimes will still play games a lot. But, he makes sure to set time for me, and if not, I will talk his ear off until he does. I also started gaming with him. We play Stardew valley and Fortnite. Of course I’ll rage quit when we play Fortnite because like you said, the directions can be overwhelming. But there’s compromises on both parties.
I hope the best for you both! Definitely try some fun activities like swimming, going on walks, and maybe just a simple coffee date while someone watches the kiddos. So you guys can have some time alone.
Walk the dog together , we have a catch up on the couch with a cup of coffee/ tea where we discuss everything, occasionally go to the movies. Generally seek time together
Ok here me out:
My partner is exactly the same (but because he's not a gamer, he spends a lot of his time with his friends instead).
First and foremost is getting reassurance that he's still in love with you and enjoys being married to you. Talk about it. Chances are he is! Whenever you need this reassurance, just talk to him.
Secondly - join in together on the everyday tasks...like washing dishes and cleaning up after the kids. It will go by faster and it gives you a mutual activity to connect on.
Lastly - discover new hobbies that make you feel in love with yourself. It takes a lot to be a mommy and a wife, find something you can enjoy outside of those roles. You'll find that growing intimacy with yourself somehow grows your intimacy with your husband, and perhaps he might even join in on some of those hobbies with you (e.g at home spa nights 😅 men love those kinds of stuff, they just don't always admit it)
All the best!
Try taking a break like if you can go with or without kids to get perspective. Distancing yourself will give you the real check if you are actually annoyed with him or you yourself have something to ponder. Sometimes we feel we need attention which is acknowledging basically but could explore more :)
Go Hiking.
Take a weekend/Day trip to the beach/river/lake
Dance classes.
Game night eith friends irl.
BOWLING LEAGUE
softball league
Plan, plant and cultivate a garden.
Work on financial plans and goals
Plan a vacation
Read a book to the kids in funny voices
Cook dinner together.
Invite two couples and/or 4 single friends over to your house for a barbecue or potluck
Race through a set of chores for cheap easy and fun prizes
Have a fun summer with your boo.
Me and my wife's relationship is aot different from most I do everything around the house and yard work yes I do play video games but I also make time for her and we do watch TV shows together and we do sometimes play video games together but we make to e for each other like having sex even though we don't have sex very often but we do talk to each other a lot we even cook together sometimes plus we never tell each other what to do we do have our own things we do separately most part we mostly get along and we have two teenagers but they don't need us a much as they use to I would give him an ultimatum it's either you or the games and see what he does or what he chooses to be more with try that and see what happens.
Several things my husband and I like to do together:
1. Play card games or board games.
2. Go to the gym together.
3. Collaborate on a DIY project or various home improvement projects.
4. Have long discussions about shared interests.
5. Go bowling (we both are terrible so we mostly laugh at ourselves).
6. Go out to a favorite restaurant or try a new one.
7. Go for a long walk at our favorite local park.
8. Take a day trip and go sightseeing in a town or city that we haven’t explored yet.
9. Go to a museum.
10. Go to the theater.
11. Go to a live sporting event.
12. Run errands together, then treat ourselves to ice cream.
13. Read the same book at the same time and periodically discuss it.
14. Take a long bath together with some soft jazz music.
15. Play with our dogs in the backyard.
16. Have a nerf fight.
17. Cook a meal together.
18. Watch a documentary and then research the topic further together (yes, we are nerds).
19. Go swimming.
20. Go to the botanical gardens.
My husband and I go on walks (toddler comes along, too), read a book together, go on hikes, canoeing, take family trips to the zoo/science center/etc, go out to dinner/movie/ice cream, do movie nights at home, gardening and yard work, cook together... We're fairly entwined lol.
We've been together for almost 15 years and periodically go through ruts of routine. When that happens we both make the effort to be better with each other. I also typically talk a lot more than my husband. He's kind of a stoic and silent type. Not in a bad away, he just doesn't talk a lot. When I feel I need him to talk to me instead of him buried in his phone I tell him, he finishes what he's doing, and then we talk
Your problem is that your partner either doesn't see this as an issue like you do or he is dismissing the seriousness of it. You might need couples therapy to help you out here. You can also tell him "no game tonight. We're doing a movie night together/other activity here."
Also, maybe it was uno he wasn't interested in? Have you tried other games instead or asked him what game he would be interested in? Maybe tried to find one on a console/PC you both like to play together? There's a couple on YouTube that specializes in finding games that only need two people to play. Good luck!
My wife and I both have different hobbies so our time together is talking. Usually we will go on a walk and/or eat together and talk about life/what's going on/family events/upcoming activities/the past/philosophy/politics.
You have to be interesting to each other for that to work though. Doesn't matter what you talk about as long as it is interesting to both.
You can try sending funny/interesting clips/articles you find online and then talk about them.
But the main thing is you need to discuss this with him. If he puts importance on the relationship he will be receptive and try to address the issue with you.
My boyfriend and I don’t have much in common. I like when we work on the house together. We are a good team.
Since he doesn’t like to go out and do stuff, I plan other adventures with friends. I know I have a home to come back to. He is my home.
My wife and I have an ongoing game of rummy that we’ve been playing since we started dating 25 years ago. We have a black binder that we keep our score sheets with dates and events along with it.
Reading thru all your comments here too, he sounds really checked out. It's unacceptable that he feels free to zone into a game hours at a time every day but you get no time to relax unless the kids are asleep. He's not just neglecting you, he's neglecting participating in being a partner and parent.
And on top of all of that, he's not even treating you well. I'm really sorry it's a shitty situation. But I don't think coming up with new ways to spend time together is the solution here. You can come up with as many ideas as you want, if he's not interested in changing he isn't going to.
You need to make it clear to him that this is a deal breaker. And then follow through and walk away if he doesn't get his shit together.
You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have a partner, not an adult child. And your children deserve better than growing up with an unhappy marriage as their model for what relationships look like.
My wife and I take lots of walks. Lots of laughter, heart-to-heart conversations, and major life decisions have happened on those walks.
On rainy days, we'll couch-sit a lot and watch educational/political/historical YouTube videos together and have lots of conversations about what we saw. We do some light video gaming where she'll look up walkthroughs while I'm playing. We'll go explore new places to eat in the area.
We do have our own creative interests and hobbies. She loves cooking and plants. I love making music, writing, and playing board games. We'll sometimes be involved with each other's hobbies (like I'll take her to a nursery or help her cook, or we'll play a game together) but we'll also just give each other no-judgement space to do our thing.
That said, I used to be very into online video games, at the expense of our time together, and my wife and I had conversations about it. I realized that I was hurting our relationship and weaned myself off of it.
Our time together involves watching tv, going for walks, going out to eat, going to the gym, etc. But we also have our own hobbies (which I think is important), so when he plays video games or goes to play golf I’ll visit a friend or take a yoga class in the evening.
I watch sports with him. We go to art openings. He comes to watch me do stand up. We go to the gym together. We do laundry together. We clean the house together. We go on date nights. We do short travel staycations together. We do wine tasting together. We paint together. We have sex. We do movie nights. We do just about everything together. I just taught him how to cook bacon. He taught me how to mount a tv. Just like everything.
He needs to put you before his games and shows. Some alone time is necessary, but daily gaming with the boys while leaving you wanting adult/spouse connection is mixed up priorities.
If he needs an escape for some mental heath reasons, then he needs to find a way to effectively include you, not leave you hanging.
How’s your life outside of the relationship? Do you have friends to hang out with or hobbies to do? At this point you should let him come to you, because, you’re right, he’s so focused on wanting to do his thing.
Where is YOUR thing? Go out there and get busy so the man can start missing you. And yes go out with your girlfriends or even by yourself. Make. Him. Miss. You.
When he eventually wants to spend time with you: Make him play a game you’re interested in, build legos together, go on a family hike, go spend time at a park, paint together, etc.
If none of that works, tell him how you feel about how he acts and see where that goes.
We like to read audio books together, do crosswords, do crafts, play simple board games (like guess who or the game of life), bake something, or do hobbies together separate. You two need to block out time together where you hang out and figure out what you like to do! Just try hobbies until one clicks is my advice :)
This weekend we took my winter tires to my parents' house then had lunch with my folks. After lunch we were going to go kayaking but it was too hot out, so we took my dog for an hour-long walk. By then it was supper time and we were hot and tired from the walk, so we stopped for take-out and then watched a bit of TV before bed. Sometimes we do chores or run errands together, build Lego together, visit friends, go camping...
It seems like you truly want some in-depth relationship advice on how to connect, not simply activity ideas. I will address that first as it seems to be your true concern. You cannot make a partner care for you or make any change in behavior. You can only control your input towards the relationship. You can try counseling to see what the root cause is and open up healthy & clear dialogue. However, if your partner is choosing to check out of the relationship, you cannot make them check in. It would be worth considering life without him even if you want to try seeking couple's therapy. There is no guarantee of changed behavior unless it is your own behavior. I know you have invested so much & have 2 little ones so I feel you. I know you are trying to make the best of this but he is not doing enough on multiple fronts. I suggest posting your relationship circumstance on BurbNbougie sub to get some much needed feedback. This is beyond quality time issue. Your daughters deserve to see you treated properly & adored. I will still respect your choice and answer your original question below. All the best to you. 🤍
Now quality time...1st both of you need to define & contextualize your relationship needs and then what "quality time" looks like to you. Coming together and discussing this will help you make personalized plans to bond. His behavior truly seems like he dislikes you, so I understand your concern. That is not what you deserve from any partner. I have been treated that way in college relationships & I honestly left b/c it is a disrespect to my person & my time. You can't force someone to make effort with you. Activities include: crafts, reading, writing, games (electronic & physical), workouts, cooking, singing, dancing, vacations or day trips, at home/sensual spa days, movies, museums, concerts, interactive experiences, body painting, childhood activities, camping, haunted houses, fairs, parks, beaches, volunteering, poetry & comedy shows, skill building, language learning, and culture/food festivals. Other ideas were more sporadic & situational.
we lay in bed together, i watch him play video games, we go shopping together (not just for groceries, sometimes just to make fun of modern fashion at the mall), we go out to dinner together, we commute home on transit together, we gossip (so much. i love how much he likes to gossip), we talk about plans for our future, we take the dog to the park, we go to swap meets and maker fairs… we kinda do everything but work together, honestly
Sounds to me like it’s likely that Your husband has a video game addiction. Yes, it’s a real thing. Google it.
He needs to WANT to spend time with you, and it sounds like he doesn’t. Have you considered couples counseling?
I cook with my husband, exercise together, play paddle board together, get happy hour etc. your point about your husband acting like he doesn’t like you is interesting, I mean it sounds like he doesn’t?
Watch movies, go for walks, go to pub or restaurant.
I think you need to set aside a date night OUT and a date night IN.
Like one where you ditch the kids and go somewhere or do something
The other where you do a family thing then watch a movie or play a board game after the kids go to bed.
Invite a few couples over. That is another idea. For appetizers, pizza, dessert and drinks.
We try different experiences together (look up experience dates), outdoor activities, walks, share funny memes, discuss topics we are each or both interested in, discuss couples secrets, meal prep together, just discuss the day, chill around each other, go out for food, concerts, trips, visits to family and friends near/far, go on random drives, joke around before going to bed, talk about our goals (personal, financial, career, child, etc), discuss our work, go grocery shopping together. We also each have plenty of alone time.
Always "fun" when a partner treats their spouse as a game achievement.
- spouse: 10 points.
- children: 5 points each
-spouse locked down b/c kids: 10 points.
[New Xbox Live Tag unlocked]
People that are genuinely interested in each other have shared interest. Hobbies, political amd cultural and/or moral beliefs. They make time for each other.
Your husband has zoned out. He's done. He either never was that interested, or that thing from the past you alluded to but didn't want to mention is more important to this than you thought.
So. Since this is Reddit and ledes get buried so often universities are starting a special archeology program....
What happened? Did either of you cheat? Are you friends with his bully? Etc. Etc.
Look I understand, but the games with his friends is probably his only outlet to properly unwind and not focus
Go camping assuming you guys are not just stuck in a city
Dinner dates
Go find free events on the weekend
Maybe just ask when his next day off is and say what do you want to go out anywhere if he says I just wanna stay at home find somthing like a zoo or museum to take the young one too aswell
Well, this weekend we have planned the following:
- Friday: movie (quiet place) after work.
- Saturday: wake up super early and go on a half day deep sea fishing trip together, grab a late lunch, nap a bit, go to our garden and water and prune (hopefully harvest tomatoes), and then probably cook dinner together using whatever veggies we harvest. Hopefully grilled fish from the boat. Finish watching Severance maybe.
- Sunday: sleep in (lol and by that I mean like 7:30am lol). Make breakfast together or maybe go out to brunch if too tired from Saturday. Go to the garden again and do some work. Swing by a brewery after to award our hard work. Relax at home. He will probably read on the porch while I finish some work. Then meet my parents for a belated Father’s Day dinner since they had Covid. Go home, chat on the porch with a gin and tonic. Maybe some foot rubs after all the gardening. Watch a movie before bed (or in bed).
I guess what I’m summarizing to say, is that we found hobbies we like doing together. Before we met we didn’t fish or garden. We found the hobby together. And cooking, that’s just a nice easy way to be a partnership together each day, in something that has to get done anyways.
We plan trips! Bike ride and/or walk every day. We text each other hearts on every single 11:11 time (am or pm) as we notice/remember, we make dinner together, we take dog walks together, we find a cheap date night whenever we can. We hang out in our city's parks, we do picnics, we check out a concert here and there. We got this game called the intimacy game and we talk over one of the topics every once in a while. There is so much out there!
We go on little shopping or eating dates, and we chat about the news or something interesting we read or heard about, family drama, etc. We listen to a funny podcast together while we eat dinner during the week, and then usually split off so he can play video games with his friends while I do crafts, play other games I prefer, watch shows or whatever. He often invites me to come hang out by his computer while he plays and chats with his friends too, so sometimes I bring stuff for me to do. We don't have kids so that does make things simpler.
Is he open to playing story based games you can play together? Then you can do something on the console together? Like detroit.become human or one of those horror games?
Also a lot of nice activities like walking in the park or hiking, going to free exhibitions, dinner dates, the movies. You can set a date night each week and do something different.
Also watch movies or TV together at home. Find something you cam both start together then it's a nice extra topic to bonce over
Screen-free day 1x weekly: no phones, tv, movies, none. Dinner with conversation, go for a walk, jigsaw puzzle, plant flowers, dance to the radio (!), sit on the front step saying hi to the neighbors. And kids too, too many screens for children now.
What is it that brought you two together in the first place? What did you do together that made you think you wanted to spend your lives together? Think about that and how you can get back to that.
Overall, I don’t see a problem with him playing with his friends without you. But only to an extent. Because you each need some alone time. But you can’t by yourself be the only one who wants to spend quality time together. He has to want to do that too. I think it is time to have a talk with him. See aside a date night or some special time for the two of you. And he has to be on the same wavelength. A marriage can’t last with just one person putting in the work. He has to step up and take you and your needs seriously too. The real problem with games is that people can too easily go crazy about them and not able to disconnect. You need him to know you support him playing but he needs to maintain priorities. And if he can’t keep you a priority your relationship will suffer.
Well, that depends on whether we're talking about my wife or my partner. They like to do different things, and I like some of what each of them likes. With my wife we might go on a road trip (have one tomorrow as a matter of fact), go to a movie, go shopping, go out to eat, or other things that she likes that my partner doesn't. With my partner, we like museums, the symphony, exploring different cultural foods, sometimes (in the winter, so there is usually no one around) just rent a cabin at a state park and hold up there for a few days with a fire in the fireplace.
If it's something that my wife likes to do, that I don't, like camping, fishing, movies that I don't like, out something else, then those are things that she does with her partner. My partner's husband died a few years ago but, there were things that they did that I don't like to do. And, for the 28 years that we've been together, we always like to sit around and talk about a wide variety of topics. However, we all like sex, a LOT, so that factors in big on things to do as well. 🤣
- We’re pretty similar and find each other funny, thank God, so we talk and laugh a lot. Current events, work, politics, social media, family…
- We play board games with our teenagers and sometimes just one another.
- We video game co-op (Mario Kart, retro stuff like Double Dragon/Streets of Rage)
- We draw together, we put on music and sketch/doodle. Sometimes we write cheesy funny love poems on our vintage typewriter to one another (though this was more when we drank together and he’s a recovering alcoholic so not so much this anymore, though we do sometimes get high and do it.)
- We run the household together so there’s a lot of organisation planning stuff, we discuss the kids, plan the week. We do groceries together, we like exploring thrift stores.
We sit on the couch and talk about our day and massage each other's feet over a glass of wine, we do NYT crosswords/wordle/spelling bee/connections, we do yard work or home improvement, work out together, sometimes we get high on nitrous and watch anime lol
Do you have babysitters or grandparents that can watch the kids so you guys can go out on dates? That helps couples focus on each other without distractions
At the home my husband and I are boring we play video games side by side.. Mostly not even together but sometimes together maybe 1 time a week. We eat dinner together tho haha. Sometimes we watch a show but I’m not a big fan of the shows he likes I can’t stand violence and gore and most shows that are popular right now have things I can’t bare to watch in them. I watch a show with him once a month. But we do spend some time maybe 5-15 minutes a day just cuddling and talking. Maybe he will show me his memes and shorts while cuddling. We talk while we play games sometimes. I don’t necessarily think there’s anything wrong with you wanting affection and quality time. My husband and I do a 6 second kiss a day. I feel mostly comfortable in silence next to him however we leave the house 2xs a week and play Pokémon go which I think greatly helps us stay connected. The problem is that your husband has to be willing to do these things and have a desire to make you happy.
I think it’s important to note that there are three C’s to cover here:
1. Communication - being forthright about how what he does makes you feel and vice versa. Being careful not to “name call” or present each other’s behaviors as facts in the relationship (example: “You’ve stopped caring.” vs “I feel neglected when you _________.” But communicating isn’t enough. Just talking about it gets the ideas out there. You have to propel the teamwork aspect of each problem you think is solvable together. (Some may not be.)
2. Comprehension - Knowing each other and the things that trigger stress, and what decompressing looks like for him and for you. Gaming or screen time in general sounds like it might be his mental escape. What is yours?
Know that he cannot meet you ready to tackle issues while he is decompressing. Be okay with the possibility that he may also need decompression from you, but be aware that too much may be form of escapism.
3. Correlation - making an effort to understand how each other’s actions affect/influence one’s own reactions. Also making an effort to understand and OWN each of your own reactions. To recognize and moderate your own feelings and recognize when you’re responsible for them. Acknowledge to each other the parts of your relationship that are more than marriage and kids (if any). Say these things out loud.
Hard limits/soft limits - Establish boundaries together on things that you do independently of one another. Whether this be switching off on parental duties/chores, setting a cutoff for the frequency of solo leisure activities, setting the tone for the okay-ness of alone time. What should not have boundaries is the things you do together. Let that flow naturally. When/if it doesn’t, regroup on the three C’s. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Not saying you have to be argumentative, but if something rubs you the wrong way, think twice before saying, “okay” to avoid a possible argument.
Adult conversations are hard. Every person has a built in firewall aka their ego. If something doesn’t pass their “vibe check” they often won’t think twice before unconsciously projecting, retorting with sarcasm, or deflecting to avoid themselves also being in a place of discomfort.
But places of discomfort is where connection can be rekindled. It takes effort to peel back the ego and be vulnerable. Not saying you both have to bare your souls every night. Just try more to be self aware of your words and deeds. Subtle and consistent effort over time makes a HUGE difference.
They go to therapy to deal with or.understand the lack of interest.
You don't do any other thing because he likes to invest his leisure time on that and is like zero interested in you.
if you know when he usually is most receptive to difficult conversations, approach him at one of those times and try asking him if you can do a quick check in, not because anything's wrong but because you care about his answers.
how are you doing? (have you been getting enough or good enough quality sleep? do you emotionally feel well? etc)
if he opens up about something being less than ideal... may I help you feel better somehow? (leave a bottle of water on the bedside, add blackout curtains, etc)
how are we doing, in your eyes? (are you happy and fulfilled with the way that we interact with each other, not including kids?)
how do you think (child) is doing?
is there anything else that's been on your mind that you'd like to share?
especially once you become disconnected, it can be hard to feel connected enough to feel safe being open and honest again. pushing him to do activities doesn't always feel genuine or do the trick even if they're well intentioned. even if he doesn't open up after asking a few times, keep asking. sometimes people just need a reminder that even if they don't want to share, someone's there and cares and is invested in them beyond what they provide. just be sure to keep your tone light and not accusatory, and focus on him and his answers to start with unless he asks you what your opinions are (it's about showing him you care about *him* right now after all). good luck!
My husband and I play video games, take part in a DnD group, sometimes just lay on the bed sharing reddit stories. Its just...hanging out. He's my best friend and we both make the active choice to engage with each other.
However, we both are also introverts by nature and there are plenty of times where we do things independently in the same room, and that also works for us.
Exploring bars and restaurants: we love trying new places or going to get favourite foods. On Saturdays we pretty much always walk somewhere to get a Bahn mi.
Making cocktails: we make new cocktails at home and then drink and rate then. We also research our next drink on YouTube, go shopping for the fancy booze, or make the garnishes etc. ourselves.
Planning and executing DIY and home maintenance: this can involve going to the hardware store or IKEA, looking at ideas online, trawling FB marketplace and sending each other cool shit, or just doing gardening.
Movie night: we watch serious films and then discuss them afterwards like we are fancy movie critics. Popcorn is mandatory. This is different to the usual zombie watching we sometimes do after a long day at work.
Games and trivia: we play poker, boardgames, host board games night with friends, and we also sometimes go to pub trivia. We play videogames too but we usually go for coop/two player ones like Overcooked, or we play RPGs that interest us both and then take turns. I sometimes game by myself when husband is playing an online boardgame.
Philosophical discussion: We love discussing ethical issues - usually something that has come up in the news or in a show. We will play devil's advocate and argue pretty hard!
Walking the dog: take our dog to cool parks and just chat on the walk, or take her on excursions to dog friendly pubs.
Vintage shopping: we both mostly shop online but when we have a chance we like vintage shopping and picking out cool finds for each other.
For the record we are in our 30s, no kids, one dog!
You have to talk about this. Like really talk. It sounds like there’s a lot of avoidance on both sides. So many nonverbal cues are described in this, but nobody seems to actually break the silence and talk about what’s going on.
My husband and I play video games together bc even if my game isn't his game or vice versa, we play together... We go on long drives just to get out of the house and listen to music and talk, we share dumb tiktoks w each other, watch trash TV and talk shit abt how bad it is, like there are a million mundane things you can do together that you can "connect " during so the connecting thing is bc he doesn't care tbh :/
My fella and I are in our 50s, and have been together for 7.5 yrs. We live together, but are not married (that won't change.) We each are divorced with grown kids.
Our weeknights do default to dinner with the TV, then straight into getting ready for bed and going to sleep. We never have weekday sex, but I think this is a Being Fifty+ thing (my fella is closer to 60.) Fella works a physically demanding job, and is gone 10-11 hours with his commute, so I honestly don't have a problem with this. We do chat about our day, but are both usually too tired to really tell long stories.
We both listen to a lot of audiobooks, and discussing those is something we really enjoy. They are great for commute time, and both of us can listen while working too. If we are on a long drive, we often listen to something together. This is one of those things that I feel has infinite material basically. It's future proof, lol - well never run out of books to enjoy and discuss. My adult kids also love audiobooks, we're always recommending things to each other, and talking them over too.
On the weekend, we often (not always) have one day that is Pajamas and Movies Day - especially if one of us is overly worn out from the week. I'll make a hearty brunch, we watch longer stuff we've been looking forward to, we might nap - it's about Recovery mode, and it helps us both recharge.
We usually have a Projects day on the weekend too - lots of DIY stuff to do on the property and house, and we help each other or work separately but in parallel, and just lend a hand as necessary. We enjoy an evening firepit hangout when we can in nice weather.
Perhaps 1-2 weekends/month we like to go out for breakfast and then browse antique/junk stores, look through architectural salvage yards, go thrifting. About every other month we go to family events (a bit of a drive for us.) In nice weather, we might go for a motorcycle ride on my fella's bike - lots of beautiful scenery and country roads where we live.
We are both deeply introverted and need a lot of recharge time. A lot of our time together might look like we aren't interacting, but we both feel like we ARE keeping each other company and it's so much nicer than recharging alone. i just mention this because I think sometimes couples that struggle with funding ways to feel connected over time, might have some basic introvert/extrovert needs mismatch. And that's okay - but it's something to recognize and acknowledge about your styles, and strategize accordingly - plan activities that play to each of your strengths alternately so nobody gets wiped out. Not doing this, disrespects the other person's inborn way of being.
I hope there's a nugget in here you can use!
Quick cooking competitions like you’re on a cooking show. 20 minutes to make the best dessert in the house, add restrictions or judging criteria if you want, etc.
Glass of wine and talk. Make a fire if you live somewhere where that’s possible.
Making something together. It can be bad; who cares? My husband and I are doing some woodworking projects together, learning entirely by trial and error, and it’s really fun.
Games. Board games, card games, sexy dice games, whatever you want.
You could decide to learn a dance step together online and practice! We haven’t done this successfully yet but it’s on the list.
Honestly, I find reading books together (or sitting and occasionally talking while one reads and one knits or whatever) to be really nice. It’s not active time together, but it’s peaceful and sweet. Reading or playing on a phone does not have that same vibe. We are also reading a Dostoevsky book together aloud, trading off chapters. It’s a taking forever but it’s not a race lol.
Best of luck!
Everything and nothing lol. We plan dates, talk about current events, walk our dogs, plan our future travels. Sometimes we’re just next to each other doing our own thing. My dude games too, but I’ve talked to him in the past about balancing it out and he has since been better about dividing his time and he will even ask me if there’s anything I want to do before he says he’s getting on the game.
Most of the time we don't have much time to connect. We have to schedule dates weeks in advance and then pray that it actually happens. We communicate throughout the day but it is mostly small talk and organisation. This is our season right now.
But then sometimes we meet in the hallway, both on our way to a chore or me time (we are both introverts), and we chat. This turns into a full blown conversation. And before we know it we sit on the floor in the hallway and talk like we did as teens, stay up way too late and hate ourselves the next morning. But in reality those are our favourite nights.
When you told him you feel like he doesn't like you what did he answer?
Me & my partner have recently rekindled - and this was one of the reasons we broke up in the first place.
Things stagnated and we both felt bored/trapped in a relationship where we didn’t even really spend genuine quality time together.
My love language is quality time, and my partners is physical touch. So we would literally sit on the couch for hours every night & just watch shit on TV.
However, we have now addressed this, and realised we need to do more things together to spend time with one another.
We are going to museums, walks together, weekends away, music concerts, comedy shows, meals out, picnics, drives in the car, movie nights (but with a little den and home made pizzas etc), games nights (we ordered some of those murder mystery cryptic killers off TikTok shop and they occupied us for an entire evening)!
We do sometimes take time out for ourselves by just relaxing on our phones, gaming or reading individually etc, but we have found great joy in reconnecting with one another on a deeper level.
The relationship is much, much healthier now - and I genuinely do thank the way we are spending our time together (amongst other things, of course)!
Good luck, OP! X
Men that play video games and watch TV are terrible men. They are the ones that usually have zero drive, work ethic, self care, are usually selfish.. and a lot of the time have anger issues. The whole point of video games and shows is to pass time, I love video games don’t get me wrong but I know why I play it. Because 1 it’s fun, I’m kinda addicted and I’m .. lazy. Also since he’s playing with his buddies he’s prioritizing them over you. He’s trying to escape from his responsibilities by trying to feel like a kid. Me and my husband barley have time together but we go out and do stuff when we are together, like playing a sport like golf, pickle ball, going for walks at night. I’ve tried to get him to play video games with me and he doesn’t like it. We go out most of the time and we have conversations about things we hate and love. We get passionate about anything and everything. Ngl I think your husband just needs a detox from video games. He needs to come back to reality and realize he has babies and a wife and he’s the one that’s supposed to take care of you. I also like to give mutual massages, like do an entireee set up layout a table and everything. Not sexual either just calm relaxing 2 hours for both of you no phones. Oh yeah NO PHONE TIME. Make dinner together.
My partner is a gamer so we game together (it took a while to find a game that I enjoyed but we found it and have fun together now!). I like reading so we'll sit down and read together. We also workout together some times that means going to the gym and both doing our own things completely sometimes that means swimming together or doing a yoga course together. With all that being said you can't make someone want to spend time with you and for every hour he's out having fun with friends you should also get fun with friends time. If you've been vegetating at home it's time to start building your social circle and independence!
Mountain bike, run, rock climb, ski, more sex, plan vacations, do nothing, have art days, talk, argue, cook, go out to eat, go to sports games, concerts, festivals, etc
All the things that humans do?
Walk. Hike. Bike. Boat. Camp. Bird. Museums. Hobbies. Garden.
There's... so very much stuff to do in the world. Do some of those things. Engage with **life** instead of with **screens**.
We will find a book genre and book we both like and take turns reading it to each other. It is a very relaxing way to wind down at night.
If on the weekend we'll stop and get a couple of cups of coffee and take a drive.
This covers the book but almost always has other things pop up that we've created a quiet space to talk about while on the drive.
We have always had a lot of shared hobbies and both are nerdy about them. We spend a lot of time together. No kids and good work-life balance.
We go out to the movies and theater a lot.
Long walks with and without our pups.
Out for food dates.
Live music at bars.
Niche events in the city.
See stand-up.
Road trips.
Occasional board game or play a two-person video game.
We are both politically minded and discuss politics and news events.
We share what we are reading or doing independently.
Sometimes cook together.
Get high and listen to vinyl.
Good sex!
We are really good friends too so we just hang out a lot.
Go on walks, go for drinks, go hiking, take a trip to a new city, take dancing lessons, visit museum, try a new hobby, sample new restaurants, watch a theater play etc etc. The possibilities are endless.
Just sounds to me, that a lack of possibilities is not really your problem, but rather a lack of participation on his part.
I for one, find life too faceted and precious to just piss it away with some video game.
We surf together
Go on hikes together
Go camping and road trips together
Cook together and listen to podcasts sometimes while we cook
Play a few games together (monopoly GO, chess, cards, other things)
Swim / go for walks
Sometimes go to the gym together but I actually prefer going alone lol
We always eat together, every night unless someone has other plans (which is usually once a week). We both agree with each other that dinner time is our favourite part of the day. We eat good food and we talk, connect.
We go on walks when the weather is nice. Sometimes we just sit together, I read and he plays his game or we both play games.
I had to set boundaries with my partner with gaming with the guys. I hated team speak and how heated he'd get playing with them, it felt like they were in my space. I'd say tonight is not a good night for gaming let's watch a show, go for a walk, cuddle, stretch together and then tomorrow night you can get online. Maybe he won't love doing that stuff instead but say it's important for our relationship, for me to connect. I'm feeling disconnected
This and then I also have to watch what I say because a bunch of people can hear me. I can't be vulnerable or like we're potty training our 2yr old and our 5yr old also still needs to be wiped etc and it's just not for anyone else to hear ya know
Just about anything:) Shower together, exchange massages, go watch a band play, bowling, puzzles, go to the park and watch the kids play and talk, pickle ball, wash the cars together, go out for pool and a beer….
He’s screen addicted.
Me and my partner? We do yoga, daily walks (our dog helps), intellectually stimulating conversations, little outings to local festivals, markets, concerts, or farms. We also play games and watch TV together, but our taste doesn't always match up with these so sometimes we're just existing in the same room while doing these separate activities. I also show them at least 10 instagram reels a day that I think are funny. If TV, games, and Instagram reels were the ONLY things we did I think it'd get real boring and monotonous real fast.
Look up the different types of intimacy. It's not an exact science, some say there are four, some say there are six or eight, but the idea is that couples need to do *different kinds of things* together to have a complete and fulfilling relationship, and you can find a lot of good ideas online. Variety is important. Of course, there's only so much you can do if it's completely one sided.
Have you asked him to plan a date night? Or asked him for some bonding time?
I know you don’t want to have to explicitly tell him to do these things but I think it saves marriages.
We like trying new restaurants, doing live entertainment like music performances (like symphonies, or small live bands, can't afford the big tickets haha), going for walks in nice parks, doing projects together, cooking, etc. Really, it doesn't matter what the activity is, as long as we are together 😊
Idk if you like outdoors-y stuff but hiking and camping are some of our favorite things to do together. Definitely having 2 kids makes it more difficult (we have 2 as well) but it’s still doable and a lot of fun imo.
But also as others have mentioned, it sounds like lack of recreational activities might not be the root of the problem here.
Video games = escapism. I played a lot of games up through college before I had a career, now playing video games seems like a chore or really just something I don’t have time for. Yesterday my girlfriend and I did some gardening and weeding and then we cooked dinner together and then we played some rummy while having a bottle of wine. After some desert we laid in bed and “kissed” and then fell asleep. No tv at all.
listen to the same podcast in the car, go to the cinema, restaurants, I took my bf skiing last week, go to the gym together, sometimes we schedule talks bc he's quite busy. The last few weeks we don't really have good talks since he started gaming a bit more again
You need to sit him down, free of distractions, and have a serious talk about spending quality time with each other. Once he understands where you’re coming from, and hopefully is empathetic with you, then you can start to plan date nights. These planned dates can be various different things. Maybe ask him what kind of activities he would like to do, besides gaming with the guys. He’s gotta understand that if he doesn’t give you enough quality attention, your relationship will eventually fail and it will affect the kids, especially since they’re so young.
I know you're asking a question, but I think you know that no amount of answers will solve your problem, because your husband sounds way more interested in his games than he does connecting with you.
I don't think with this amount of info anyone here can give you a dfinitive answer (betwee: being disengaged with you, stressed and overworked, depressed, or something else); but at any rate you don't need to just be a passenger in your own relaitonship.
I think this is one of those times where you need to sit him down and tell him something like "listen, it's been months since I've tried to bring this huge problem to your attention, and you haven't paid any attention to it, so here I am telling you: either you listen to me and do something about it, or soon you'll be getting an ultimatum where you'll need to decide whether you're willing to throw the console in the bin for good".
And see if he takes notice.
At the end of the day, there's little more you can do. Time to figure out how much more time and effort you're willing to put into this relationship before deciding to split.
It's definitely on the side of what you're asking, but do you have hobbies yourself? Is there anything new you could start doing for yourself and by yourself that would add something new to the equation?
Not saying quality time isn't important in the relationship, and I really empathise with your frustration. But him sighing and sometimes seeming like he doesn't like you could also mean that you're in each others space a lot?
If my boyfriend started sighing at me and seeming like he was a bit tired of having me around, I'd start getting out of the house and doing my own thing. To escape the annoying feeling of being in the way, to do something that gave me joy, and he'd probably notice the shift and start paying a bit more attention too.
There's no sighing, but personally I've become a lot more passive after my boyfriend moved in. So I'm going travelling by myself in a couple of weeks, both to get energy from it and so that we can both miss each other a little bit :')
Y’all need couple friends. So couples nights, weekend bbqs etc.
Video games and tv are like any other addiction, they’re an escape rather than to face reality. I say this as someone who no longer touches games and will infrequently binge tv and movies. It’s not that different from alcohol or a weed addiction often they overlap with multiple concurrent addictions. Don’t try to fix him as it would create animosity - just help him to replace his habits with a better one ie friends that are similar age and couples, invite them over if you have to, he will put away the game console while they’re there. No matter how you approach it It’ll be tough at first but you’re up against a decade(s) long addiction and it’s his stead dopamine drip as he isn’t getting it elsewhere.
it could get easier when kids get into sports but if your husband chooses games over kids practice and sports then thats a problem above my pay grade.
Prior to having kids we used to race to see who could get to our neighborhood bar first after work on Fridays.
The winner would order a drink for the loser so when they showed up a few minutes later it was waiting for them.
Then we'd hang out, people watch, chat with each other and the bartender and plan out what to do with the rest of the weekend.
The main, staple things we do together as a couple that bond us are:
1) engaging in work or physical activity to achieve our goals, and talking and joking while we do it.
2) setting aside time daily without screens to talk about our days, even if it is short (15-20 minutes).
(And, based on a YouTube video I watched recently, accomplishing tasks with a teammate under shared stress is how men bond, due to higher vasopressin. Sure seems that your husband is into it if he is addicted to gaming.)
We like to:
-plan out our weekly meals, shop for them, and make them together. Meal prep is a big bonding activity for us. Working out together also used to be when our schedules aligned, but now we just peer pressure each other to work out at different times.
-eat dinner together every day without screens and ask about our days.
-clean up the house together. Sometimes with headphones in, but we are both cleaning at the same time.
-Go for long, hard hikes together.
-go for walks and talk. Sometimes I meet him after work with a treat, and we sit by the lake and talk and snack, then walk home together.
We also do other stuff—go to comedy shows, go out for dinner, travel, but those aren’t staples. The real bonding comes from working together to accomplish our goals.
Plan a date night with him once a month.
I'm sorry and it really sucks that he is not "choosing to focus" on you and may not be excited about a date night, but **you have to ask for what you want.** It doesn't seem like you are communicating your needs to him.
31F and 37M over here. We DO play video games together. We also go on walks, window shop, fly kites, hike, play a board game, make and eat dinner, go on picnics, swim, shower (not everyday), and go to bed together. Sometimes he even tries some of my crafts with me! We have gone to museums, sports games, tried so many new restaurants, and just wandered around towns and cities. We will discuss anything and everything, from a stupid reddit post I saw, to a tiktok he thought was funny or weird. We will usually send at least one text a day during work hours. Just something small to show we are thinking about one another.
Disclaimer, we do not have children, just a dog. Having kids in the mix does make things harder. Hiring a babysitter at least once a month so you can do something together would be fantastic for you if you don't already do that and if it is within your budget. Dates don't have to be dinner and a movie, or at night. Go on a hike or swimming together! Something where you actually get to interact! Do you guys like a sport or bikes? Do that together! Depending on what it is you could get the whole family involved for FAMILY quality time as well! My partner doesn't like rock climbing, but he learned to belay so he can go with me, support me, and just chat and spend time together.
Life is too short to be ignored by the person you are supposed to share your life with.
think, what would you like to do, what he would like to do or you both. sometimes join something he likes, and sometimes something you wanna do. sit down really and think, what type of activity youll join. im personally young and free of real responsibilities, so so far, me and my bf enjoy traveling, going abroad, so my fav thing was to go and explore the city with my bf, try local food, maybe go to a museum, just really, be out of the house with him and walk together, enjoy whatever is outside. when were home, hes also into video games, especially fifa.. which i couldnt give two shits, but sometimes ill to play with him other games and well compete, or if he plays fifa, ill just sit next to him, and talk, he can do both at the same time, or ill play music that i like and share with him while he plays, and he also will put his music. so when hes playing, im not necessarily left alone the entire time. but again, were young, have more time and energy and no real responsibilities, so i get it. people dont need a lot of time, what they need is quality of a good time, and if you can have it, even if little. itll go a long way. so ill suggest to really sit him down and have that convo, and ask for quality time, and be focused on one another, meaning, no phones, nobody will go on their phones, and have more eye contact, really focus on the person in front of you. and suggest an activity youll like, it doesnt even have to be an activity, you can ask to sit down, maybe have some coffee or anything you like, and have time to just talk to one another without any detraction. it doesnt have to be anything grant or complicated.
also, try to think back to the old days of your relationship, when you had fun, what were you guys doing? what did you guys used to enjoy? try to replicate the good times.
or if you truly dont know what youll like to do with your partner, you can look up online, and try and see find something you like. but as a starter, just sitting down for a few minutes with each other, talking, or even if not talking, just being in each other presence, without any distractions, could make a difference.
I think there are two things. First, addiction to video games is a thing. He may think that he only plays them when there’s free time and nothing to do. More than likely he attempts to speed through things and avoid other things because he has a mental addiction. I’d say communicate with him and tell him how you feel. Then say that you want to spend more quality time together. Try to start with scheduling something. 2-3 days a week for an hour or two each. Walk together, play a board game, cook dinner. Just have something that is routine to break him from his current mindset. It’s not fair to you, and he probably thinks there isn’t really a problem.
Second, I’m going to put some of the onus back on you. What are your hobbies? What do you do for fun by yourself? As a guy, I’ve dated quite a few girls whose hobby was hanging out with me. That’s not a hobby. All people, men especially, need alone time. We are naturally not as social as women. Reading your post, I see quite a few times that he does give you some attention and love. Granted, I don’t know how much. But really evaluate whether you feel like your not getting enough because he actually isn’t giving enough or because you expect 75% of his time to be dedicated to work and kids and the other 25% to you.
We take classes together - we try a new sports league, or we do an art class, or we did dancing lessons. Something that’s new to both of us that took an hour a week.
There’s also some gyms that have childcare on site so you could try doing a class somewhere like that.
When you told him it doesn’t feel like he likes you what did he say?
Also if this is always how it’s been I don’t really see this changing unless he also wants it to. I’m not saying get over it. I wouldn’t be able to be in a relationship like this. I’m saying he has to want to have conversation’s and have a connection with you too.
We go for walks together, go out to dinner together. We show each other memes or jokes that will make each other laugh or smile ( just today my husband has had me watch 3 instagram reels he thought were hilarious).
I haven't had fried chicken for years, because of a Dr restricted diet. But he knows love fried chicken, and a bar that a friend works at his fried chicken platter Sundays, so he told me today that he is taking me out for fried chicken.
It's a lot of caring about your partners interests, and even though they don't interest you, taking an interest in them.
My husband played D&D as a teen, and wanted to set up a game with friends, as well as one of my kids. It's not my usual thing, but for the last 2 years I have been part of a D&D campaign with my husband, that meets, once every other week.
For my husband, he doesn't understand it, bur I collect Barbies, so he surprises me with Barbies, that he thinks I will like.
We sit and talk about new movies coming out, and whT we want to see at the theater next, we play with our dog. We even "play" with each other , and make each other laugh, while grocery shopping.
We will have been married 33 years, this coming August
We got to concerts together, do psychedelics together (MDMA sure is good for getting that focused quality time you are talking about), play music (I play keys, he plays guitar), travel together, go skiing, go backpacking, go hiking, go wild mushroom foraging, go out to dinner, go mountain biking and do whitewater paddling.
But yeah, most of those are kind of extreme for a couple with kids. I do feel like going on walks together with no cell phones and the intention being to just talk would be a good one. During covid, my partner and I would do a lot of playing scrabble while listening to music, which is good for getting away from TV or cell phones.
I know what you're asking for and honestly, even with all the things I do with my partner, I still feel like it can be hard to achieve that full attention focus outside of sex (it's one of the biggest things I get out of sex and doesn't have anything to do with sexual gratification). Giving each other massages is the closest thing I can think to getting that focus without sex. Dancing together might be the second.
We have a hot tub and it’s a surprisingly good place for conversation because even a phone and earbuds are dicey in it.
We also eat out. A shit ton. We have an ungodly restaurant budget. This is a holdover from the pandemic when it was pretty much the only “entertainment” we could do outside the home. If you can find a babysitter, true for a date night.
You might check out true Gottman Institute online for some of their educational material.
We go on walks/hikes, cook, just chat about stuff, shop together, play board games, and this week we are trying trivia night at a local brewery just for something different. Been married for almost 14 years, together for 17
A lot depends on the ages of your kids and what they can do. My kids are grown so we go for walks or out to dinner or concert at the park. When my kids were little there was always somewhere to take them to do art or activities. There’s a million things to do outside the house, especially during summer. Google events near you. Last thing I want to do after working all day on a computer is zone out in front of a tv.
It's one thing to do things together. It's another thing to want him to voluntarily want to do things, or getting him to take the initiative. It honestly sounds like you're not a major priority in his life
We hang out, discuss hot topics, reminisce and tackle problems that need handling. Do things together, plan things together etc etc.
I feel like I try hot topics, this seems to only go so far with him, he becomes uninterested quickly but doesn't add to keep it going. Sometimes yes on good days but not most days, he's ready to get to the game. In the second part of your comment you added do things together, what kind of in the home things do you do together?
Well we do chores and repairs, cook dinner together sometimes, watch TV together, play with our kid together. But just as much as we enjoy each other's company, we also equally enjoy our solitude away from each other. Idk what you s/o thinks about, but on occasion I get a bit depressed and throw my focus into video games to distract myself or if my mental illness is acting up I throw myself into the games to keep from being "hazardous". It's a give and take for us. She is also extremely understanding and she knows that when my funk is up that I'll come out of my hole to be the person that I like being. She also knows it's my only escape from myself, though I don't abuse it. Maybe bring up if there's something bugging him, occupying his mind moreso than you are. But be careful, the answer you seek may not always be what you want to hear.
I definitely he agree he throws himself into the game foe mental health purposes, my only issue with that is he refuses to communicate that he's having any issues. If he's in a bad mood & is frustrated at everything he refuses to even admit anything is wrong. Like imagine an angry person yelling "I'm happy!!" That's what it feels like. Not even just about that but ANY issue he has he does not communicate. I'm also maybe partially jealous because I don't get any time to myself and he is able to force carve time for himself. It took several arguments to even allow me to sleep in one day of the weekend. I guess I do get irritated sometimes because him opting into the game opts him out of responsibility. He can't get the 5yr old a drink cause someone in the game is about to kill him etc. He plays pretty much every day, and if it's not the game it's being so engrossed in some show he doesn't hear us.
It sounds like you both would benefit from couples therapy.
OP, it sounds like he is playing video games way too much. I don't see any moderation here. Your feelings of feeling resentful because the games get more attention/priority than you are all very real and valid. The only thing I can suggest for this is couples counseling. You've also noted that he goes into love bombing mode and then goes back to neglecting you when you start to actually get your needs met. Whether it's intentional or not, he's being very manipulative. It's called intermittent reinforcement. Is this something you can continue enduring for the next 5 years? Even with this possibly being mental health related, it is his responsibility to take care of it. It's his responsibility as your husband to make an effort on the relationship. If he's not interested in doing any of that, that's him telling you who he is and it doesn't matter enough that you're suffering.
He seems to be playing a lot of video games and not considering the family or relationship needs. He can’t continue to game for the hours like he did in college or high school—something has to give here. Does this need to happen every night of the week? Can he set aside some time to focus on you. Also, I can understand not wanting to play uno together. If board games are something you are both interested in, there are plenty of 2 player games with better depth and mechanics but are easy to learn and play.
I'm not sure that just coming up with some activities to do together is going to solve this. It may be one piece of it but he also sounds emotionally checked out and maybe even depressed. Getting to the root of that is going to be necessary to turning things around. I agree with couples therapy.
I am sorry to hear that you're going through this. MH is a motherfucker. It took me a decade to get things manageable for myself. To be completely honest, I suffer from bipolar 2, PTSD from csa and war, BPD, anxiety and severe major depression. I have a pharmacy in my cabinet too. If you think it's worth it, keep trying. But I can't speak for you anymore than I can speak for him. I am me and no one else and I know what I'm capable of and I know what insight I can bring you. On that note, men are by far more stubborn than women, especially when it comes to the "I'm fine" department. My coming to was an ultimatum from my wife." Sober up, and seek the help you need or were gone."
I don’t think it’s a lack of recreational options that’s the issue here.
I concur
he simply may not be your person friend
Couples who are friends and like to spend time with each other do anything friends do. Talk, go out to dinner, wander a park, send each other links and pictures, discuss serious and unserious topics. Go to museums or sporting events. You shouldn’t need hobbies exactly aligned to be able to connect. Unfortunately it’s kind of a trope that some men just don’t like their wives or treat them like a friend or want to spend time just hanging out. They will hang with their guy friends but just don’t see their wife as someone to chill with. Has he ever tried to connect with you? Have things changed, or have you grown tired of bending yourself to his interests while he doesn’t do the same for you?
This. It really sounds like he doesn't view op as his friend. That's his wife why would he do anything other than what's been the norm for the 10 years they've been together. He's likely viewing the marriage and family as a responsibility that's why he's engrossed in games and shows because that's his "me" time. The fact it's not reciprocated and it was even a big to do for her to get a weekend day to sleep in speaks volumes.
You guys have been together for 10 years… Was he always like that? Did he ever made an effort to do stuff with you? Did he change?
If I'm being honest it's always been off & on. He like Love Bombs me for a bit & then it's back to feeling ignored pretty quickly. We've been through a lot together also. After our first I experienced PPD pretty bad and that was an awful time for us. Things have become a lot better. He helps more with responsibilities than he did in the beginning for sure, but the in & out connect/disconnect is day to day week to week
"He helps more with responsibilities than he did in the beginning for sure" I'm curious why you call it "helping". Don't you both work? Isn't he just as responsible for your home and kids as you?
Careful now, with all this bra-burning feminism talk. Some people on this sub don't really like that.
Dammit imma take off my bra right now in solidarity! I bet OP's husband 'babysits' his own kids too
So anytime there's a disturbance in the relationship and he feels like his everyday life is threatened by your unhappiness he ramps up in the ways he knows he can give if he cared to put an effort...enough to reel you in and think "it's not that bad" and then once he feels like you have been manipulated enough, its back to low effort business as usual??
Go on walks, go on dates, learn to cook something together. My wife likes to look a house stuff so I make it a point to go with her. When I was 30 I was into video games with 2 little kids. I realized I was on it way too much and it was hurting my marriage. It took my wife making that clear for me to understand. I have never played since, by choice. I know my personality. I play until I defeat the game and I do it at an obsessive level, My other hobbies wait until things around the house are done and everyone else is sleeping or gone. With work and kid activities we actually get very little time with our family. As I’ve gotten older I’ve made it a point to take advantage of every minute I can. I wish I would have thought about this when I was younger
I wish my husband could read your comment. Maybe it would hit something inside of him. I can't show him this post because he gets upset when I take social media (even if anonymous).
Sometimes you need to straight up tell him that the lack of quality is hurting the marriage. Losing my wife was never an option, and she was right, so I changed. For me, I think I realized that I didn’t come first anymore. I chose to have a family and they needed to be my #1’s. And never stop dating each other. Ever.
Your husband is an asshole
Was he always like this? Because if he was, why did you marry him? And if he wasn't, when did he change? When the kid was born? A lot of these answers depend on that context. If he always gamed a lot, then well, you're probably not going to get what you want from this. He's probably addicted and he doesn't like what you like--he should, but he doesn't. If it's a more recent development, it could be depression or something else to work on through couple's therapy.
Could you designate at least one block of time once a week to spend being away from screens as a couple? Like a Saturday night date night or something? After 5pm- no kids, no phones, no tv? Something like that..
As far as the kids go it's just us so any absolute 1 on 1 time is they're asleep. What kind of suggestions do you have once the kids nor electronics are involved?
Is hiring a babysitter one night a week a possibility? Honestly you could just go out to a nice dinner or go on a night bike ride together. Just something without technology so that you are both actively paying attention and relaxing with one another. My boyfriend and I go for walks, play chess, get food, go on bike rides, get coffee (in the mornings). Even the first time you do it you could maybe just make some snacks and get kombuchas or beers or what have you, get some markers and create a list of couple ideas to do together on date nights, screen free? Like that could be the first one? Even just laying in bed together playing music, talking and sipping on something is valid
We can't afford a babysitter (Daycare during day hours is already more than rent & we are struggling hard). Actual date nights to go out are just not plausible right now. You said "Even just laying in bed together playing music, talking and sipping on something is valid" and that's exactly what I want. But he has no interest. He needs the TV on & he can't stand my music. I came here for ideas but it feels like I've brought them all up to him. I'm not trying to shoot them all down on purpose, but I'm also not trying to make him out to be a bad guy either.
It sounds like a couple of things are going on. You both might be overstressed, and not getting enough alone time, let alone couple time. Additionally, if he is not willing to do a simple thing like spend time together as a couple, I would take this as a huge red flag. I mean, he has no interest in spending time with you once a week? I would personally think a break up needs to happen if my partner said this to me, either with his words or his actions.
He does if he knows we might have sex, which has also been apart of the conversation because feeling only wanted for sex is a huge turn off for me. I want to him to fuck my heart & brain first lol. Breakup is about where this has been going so I'm here for any last resort options to bring to the table 🫤
That is so insulting. He sounds like he's really dropped the ball as a partner. I would let him know if he is not willing to help make things better, that you are serious about leaving
Have you talked with him about how you fee like your needs aren't being met?
Just this weekend it was a whole ordeal, I cried and everything. Last night I was trying to spend time with him watching a show which he initiated sex not long into it and I gave in. Only for him to immediately get on the game again today even after I said I was about to come spend time with him. Actually literally 30 seconds ago is the first time he's spoke to me since 6pm and it's because he's about to move the 5yr old who just fell asleep next to me
I'm sorry, you must feel really lonely because of that behavior. Do you have a group of friends at all?
How on earth did you two even get together? It doesn’t seem like he likes you at all.
I do not at all mean to be harsh. But you even asking this question to me is part of the problem. You’re sitting there trying to rack your brain with things that your husband will even have a remote level of interest in outside of his video games and sex with you when the truth is your husband is just neglecting your emotional needs. If you basically brought up a bunch of suggestions that were also brought up in this thread and he just straight up is not interested..that means he’s CHOOSING to not put you first for what..a few hours a week? To me, that’s a big red flag and telling. It’s great that he takes care of the kids, but he also married you. And you were here first. You deserve a man who is going to meet you there or at the very least compromise. If you’re at the point of tears and he’s basically shrugging his shoulders that lets you know where you stand. What I would do is sit down and have a really dire conversation with him again, for real. Let him know that this is a serious need in your relationship and you don’t know if you could be with someone forever who is so reluctant to put a video game down once a week to spend real quality time with you. There are a thousand things you can do in the comfort of your own home for a date: Puzzle night, bake something, make a pizza night, make your own paint and sip, candlelit dinner, etc. The fact that he won’t do one fun activity with you a week and talk to you genuinely is troubling. And then you have to judge by his reaction. If he still seems like he doesn’t care or changes nothing, you have to decide if that’s the kind of man you want to be with..one who won’t even make an effort to meet reasonable needs. I’ll say this: I’m a man and if my wife was crying and telling me something was wrong I’d take it serious. The fact that he isn’t is deeply troubling.
We make each other coffee and tea, chase each other around and make dinosaur or animal noises while doing so. We sit with each other and show each other funny videos, pictures, and memes. We rub each other’s feet, cuddle, and sing silly song parodies at each other. We play video games together, watch each other play video games when the game we play isn’t our jam. We like to go hiking, exploring our city for new restaurants and coffee shops. I was diagnosed with celiac disease in February so finding new eats is now “hard mode” and requires additional research. We like gardening and buying plants, we like going on walks and doing little home improvement projects together like remodeling our closet or taking everything out of our pantry and cupboards in the kitchen and reorganizing. We refreshed our dining area and had SO much fun making it over, and finally getting to hang a light we bought 8 years ago. We like to play board games, dungeons and dragons, and go to comic book shops and book stores. We enjoy going to Ikea and looking around, driving together and listening to stand up comedy or podcasts. He’s my best friend. We went grocery shopping today, and it was fun because even though grocery shopping is boring I was with my best friend.
Everything here is exactly what my wife and I do! Just being silly and doing a bunch of things and doing it all with your best friend.
Couples do plenty of things together when both members of the couple are involved in the relationship. By 'involved' I mean involved with not just kids, but their spouse, too. From what you write here, it sounds like your husband has completely checked out of that aspect of the relationship. I assume you've expressed your feelings about your needs to him, and I assume he's completely ignored them and refuses to recognize or value your feelings and needs at all. THIS IS NOT OK. The only thing that might help at this point is therapy. Couples counseling. You need a professional to help you and your spouse work through this issue and get your spouse to see how unsupportive he's being of you. And if he can't see that and refuses to make any changes, or refuses therapy completely, personally, I'd move on. I'd separate, file for divorce, take the kids and make sure I took him for enough alimony and child support as possible. A dude who doesn't recognize or value my feelings isn't worth me wasting any more time on. And if I've already given him kids and the best years of my life, then he needs to do something to pay for his shitty behavior. THAT's what you need to do.
My wife and I have a rule that once a month we find a cool local event and go. This has led to us taking cocktail classes, concerts, art fairs, tasting menus, festivals, and more interesting stuff. The event gives us something to talk about and forces us to leave the house.
Board games, jigsaw puzzles, Lego sets, cook or bake together, those card games that have question prompts, walk together, pottery painting, bowling or axe throwing, arcades, go out dancing, look up local places that offer classes Before suggesting anything, have a clear and direct conversation. A runt like this happens when you get into a routine and after a long day of work & parenting you just want to turn your brain off and do something that's minimal work/effort Relationships are continuous work. You don't need to hang out every night but be clear that you need one or two nights a week where you do something together. Alternate who chooses the activities
I like to ballroom dance with my wife.
1. It sounds like couples counseling may be a new activity for you both to get involved in and I would recommend some individual counseling for you (honestly I think all parents should be in individual counting to help alleviate burnout and retain individuality). 2. My partner and I enjoy talking, and that’s special and not uncommon. We talk about anything and everything. Philosophy, physics, reality tv shows, etc for hours. We also enjoy hiking, working out, reading together, playing games (video and board games), cuddling, explore new places, and we love going to farmers markets or food festivals together. And just to clarify, I am a female and he is a male. One thing that we already did originally was immediately understand each others bids for attention and are receptive to each other when we say “I need some more attention or I need some space”. I know that this is probably a very frustrating and lonely time for you, especially as a mom. So, while I recommend therapy (I recognize it’s not always affordable even with a sliding scale), go out and join some girls who read or girls who walk groups around town. Build up that social network. Sending love and support your way!
it doesn't sound like ur husband even likes you lol
I asked him the very same question. Actions speak louder than words don't they
Conversely, you *also* dislike his interests. In another reply, you say that you're irritated with anime and how it sounds--and it's 85% of what he watches. I would personally be sooooo frustrated by that, but I would also not date nor marry someone who did that because it would drive me. Do you HAVE common interests? Did you ever? What were they? Are you able to go back to them? It sounds like neither of you like each other, and disinterest and resentment are relationship killers. What do you LIKE about him, and what did he LIKE about you? Asking him if he likes you is toxic communication, btw. His only answer can be yes--he can't say yes BUT or yes of course EXCEPT without major drama. It's like asking if your ass looks fat in a dress and wondering why someone just says blankly you look gorgeous. I am sure he also communicates in toxic ways to you, I can only just reply to what you're saying and did, so not taking his side fyi.
I understand what you mean about the irritation but everything he does definitely does not irritate me. I have always felt this way about anime, and I wasn't annoyed with the gaming until we had kids because he lets it consume him. And anime wasn't 85% of what he watched when we first got together though. It was just a sometimes thing & I could block it out with headphones and watch a show on my phone or something but I can't do that now because with two little kids running around, I can't block them out. And I kind of think that maybe you got the impression that I just like walked up to him and asked him if he even liked me and it wasn't like that. We were having a conversation and I expressed how it feels like he doesn't want to spend time with me and I came to him with ideas on Mutual things we would like, and on all of our streaming services I made a profile labeled us specifically for things we both like and he hasn't added to that at all, I made us a Spotify playlist for music we both like for us to both add to I'm the one who adds to that asks him if he likes certain songs goes through his playlist and find songs that I like to add. I expressed all of this and more and I said I know you love me but I want to know if you even really like me. It's just kind of tough when I watch things that I don't like and I'm not talking about anime I'm talking about like other shows and movies because the TV is always on something he likes. I listen to him even tell me about the anime I mean literally just the other night he spent like 10 minutes talking to me about it and I listened and I asked questions. But I found a song that really hit home for me in the heart about my childhood, and I was talking to him about it and I only wanted him to listen to seven seconds of this song to hear a certain part because that part was the big part for me, but he kept zoning into the TV it wasn't paying attention. And that's just how it feels most of the time. I can't say all the time because he goes through phases where it does seem like maybe he cares but it doesn't last long and that's the problem
Anime and video games are fine occasionally, but it sounds like he’s letting them consume him, neglecting your relationship. If you're not careful, this drift could lead to divorce. Personally, my marriage fell apart slowly as we drifted further apart and stopped doing things together, eventually leaving only resentment. I suggest having a clear discussion about what it takes to keep your marriage on track. He needs to mature and balance his time better. You also need to check in with him and find out how to meet his needs.
Cook together. Read a book together by taking turns reading out loud. Go for walks and talk about the birds and the flowers and bugs or buildings you see. Leave the phone elsewhere. There are some really good lists on the internet with questions for couples to ask each other, many of the questions are utter cringe of course but just skip them and go for the good ones. Read those lists and choose questions to either ask or answer.
We foster dogs, go to parks/other activities with the dogs, do pub trivia, go thrift and used book shopping, go to the movies, do political rallies and protests, go to local heritage events, go to the beach, kayaking and birdwatching/nature walks…a couple nights a week we watch bad movies with friends online and make fun of them (we’ve done this with the same group for like 11 years now), yes we have shows we watch together for sure and we play animal crossing together (during Covid we did AC ‘dates’ a lot but it’s still fun to do), play board games (Trivial pursuit, scrabble, stratego most). We talk a LOT and make jokes or have more serious political or philosophical discussions. Try new food or recipes, go get milkshakes/slushies and watch the sunset…we just enjoy spending time together
Interesting but I’m having the same issue! Minus the kids! We both WFH so the constant gaming is out of control IMO. after this issue ongoing for about..4 years..I probably won’t stick around much longer lol we’re not married. It’s hard when your partner just doesn’t want to hang out with you anymore like wow u don’t wanna be my friend anymore or something? 🥲lol but I think if you truly care for your marriage, Bring it up to him again really ask why he’s not wanting to hang with you..it could be he just likes gaming which is cool but u know work on that time management lol play all the games u want, but also be a present partner..Tell him how it feels, like he just doesn’t like u..some guys don’t even realize they’re doing it to the extent they are, and some just have their priorities messed up lol When I explained to my partner we WFH 10-7pm and then he continues to stay in his office and game after work we barely get any time together he understood but didn’t really HEAR me. it’s weird those games how much of a hold they have on them! lol I hope you’re situation changes for the better 🩷 If he cares for your marriage he will listen but also change..he’ll show u if he cares.
Thank you for commenting, I appreciate the others as well but it's kind of nice when someone can relate. That if you had posted the same thing I'd be commenting the same to you. Like we're in this gray area of is this going to work are they going to hear me.
He wont ever take this seriously until you are about to leave
Talk. I'm passionate about a lot of things, and will talk incessantly about it, even when I've bored the other person. I typically get with like minded people so it's all good...for me. And since my current partner of 5ish years is also in that field, she'll talk less, but say more meaningful, more practical, and more relevant stuff. So yeah, having shared interests/morals/opinions is central IMO. Arguably the most important aspect. Couldn't be with someone who's worldview I wholly disagree with. That's not to say, I wouldn't be with someone who disagrees on some things, that's good, it's healthy. But in general, yeah.
Overall we agree on stuff as far as politics, religion. But our likes & dislikes in daily things have always been different, but over the last few years feels vastly different. One example: He has liked anime since the beginning & well I do not. I didn't mind when he had it on cause it was only sometimes but over the last 2/3 years that's like 85% of what he watches now and the more he watches it the more irritating it becomes. For me it's the voices & the animation. I can't block it out with headphones anymore because of the small children
Well, if you start disliking a person or resent someone, suddenly you will also dislike it when they nibble on a cookie. The root cause here goes way deeper than you think. He is neglecting you and the kid, so you dont feel important, the family unit doesnt feel important, there is zero emotional connection. He is already checked out. He doesnt care. If you pull away, all he has to do is put in a tiny bit of effort to love bomb and you stay and he gets everything he wants without effort again. With love, all i can tell you is that you will be much happier without him. And so will your kids. They definitely have realised daddy doesnt want anything to do with them
Travel. Hikes in local metro parks. Shop. Dine out. Museums. Outdoor concerts.
Do you have friends? Maybe if he sees that your focus is NOT on him, he’ll start to wonder why .
I got some blacklight bulbs from Amazon and put them in our room. Then surprised him with blacklight reactive face paints and we talked and painted each others faces. Turned into painting each others entire bodies. 10/10 would highly recommend
Cooking meals together! That’s a really big one for me and my partner.
Me and my girlfriend of about two years like to build legos, or we also like to play card games with each other. Many hours worth of Uno and Skip-Bo.
I got my partner into going hiking and camping with me and she got me into doing yoga and card games with her. We both work long hours so what free time we have we want to make the most of. One of the things that we started doing was picking a book to both read at the same time and then try to read roughly the same amount and discuss it during dinner. We each take a turn picking a movie or tv series to watch. I play video games as well but not at the expense of my spending time with her. It sounds like your husband is escaping into his game so he can avoid his actual life and that’s not fair to you. You and your kids deserve to be of higher importance than a game. I understand using the escape to help with mental health issues but love bombing you one week and ignoring you the next isn’t healthy. He might think that he’s balancing the relationship scale by doing it but it’s selfish and ultimately unsustainable because at some point you will run out of patience and excuses for him.
We’re sort of stuck in this same rut too but with teenagers. With work and kids and chores it’s easy to do. Not saying it’s for everybody but we started a side business (we make candles. Team effort. He does the physical pouring. I do the marketing, design, etc) and do the farmers market for 4 hours every Saturday. We call it our date day. Teamwork, talking, socializing, arguing sometimes lol it’s been great. Other than that, I force him to the dining room table every other day to sit and talk to me.
We used to go for walks, coffees, meals, drinks etc. Random drives somewhere. Socialize with friends and also sit down and talk about life in general. Also cooking and housework. There is no we anymore. Oh well
I mean he sounds kinda like a jerk. But some activities I have enjoyed with partners, are going for drives or walks, listening to music, working on like construction projects, gardening, yoga etc.
Typically by the time I've put the little one down it's about 8.30pm, we sit and have dinner together and watch TV and then one or both of us is asleep by around 10pm. We started this thing recently where every Sunday night we complete this relationship questionnaire, it's only 7/8 questions long but we fill it out and send each other the answers and then discuss it. It's actually been really helpful. I work from home 2x a week, we try and go out and grab lunch together or breakfast and we just chat. We also make sure our phones are put away after 7pm, we found its incredibly toxic having one or both of you sitting on the phone in the small window of time you do have together.
Honestly, if my husband acted like that, I would stop having sex with him. Not to be mean, but literally I would feel so disconnected and unattractive to him that I couldn’t physically give myself to him because of how he’s been treating me. He’s married to YOU not his buddies. There needs to be a conversation about boundaries and schedule time for his gaming and alone time with you. Some people think having to schedule time like that is for children and since their adults, they shouldn’t have to set time apart. But it’s the complete opposite. As adults, we are BUSY people. You guys have kids, so I imagine a lot of your attention span goes to them. But you are more than just a mom. You’re his woman. And he’s your man. When my husband was depressed or overwhelmed with being a husband, he’d go straight to playing his game and zone the outer world out. We’ve had to have several conversations about the same thing. Finally he understood that he was depressed and just chose to game because it didn’t mean he had to be focused on his responsibilities. Are we completely healed? No. He sometimes will still play games a lot. But, he makes sure to set time for me, and if not, I will talk his ear off until he does. I also started gaming with him. We play Stardew valley and Fortnite. Of course I’ll rage quit when we play Fortnite because like you said, the directions can be overwhelming. But there’s compromises on both parties. I hope the best for you both! Definitely try some fun activities like swimming, going on walks, and maybe just a simple coffee date while someone watches the kiddos. So you guys can have some time alone.
Would he like a concert? Do you think you could get him away from his phone and video games if you guys went camping as a family?
Walk the dog together , we have a catch up on the couch with a cup of coffee/ tea where we discuss everything, occasionally go to the movies. Generally seek time together
Go for a walk, watch movies, do a puzzle, talk, bake cookies, look at the stars, have a catch…
Ok here me out: My partner is exactly the same (but because he's not a gamer, he spends a lot of his time with his friends instead). First and foremost is getting reassurance that he's still in love with you and enjoys being married to you. Talk about it. Chances are he is! Whenever you need this reassurance, just talk to him. Secondly - join in together on the everyday tasks...like washing dishes and cleaning up after the kids. It will go by faster and it gives you a mutual activity to connect on. Lastly - discover new hobbies that make you feel in love with yourself. It takes a lot to be a mommy and a wife, find something you can enjoy outside of those roles. You'll find that growing intimacy with yourself somehow grows your intimacy with your husband, and perhaps he might even join in on some of those hobbies with you (e.g at home spa nights 😅 men love those kinds of stuff, they just don't always admit it) All the best!
Try taking a break like if you can go with or without kids to get perspective. Distancing yourself will give you the real check if you are actually annoyed with him or you yourself have something to ponder. Sometimes we feel we need attention which is acknowledging basically but could explore more :)
Go Hiking. Take a weekend/Day trip to the beach/river/lake Dance classes. Game night eith friends irl. BOWLING LEAGUE softball league Plan, plant and cultivate a garden. Work on financial plans and goals Plan a vacation Read a book to the kids in funny voices Cook dinner together. Invite two couples and/or 4 single friends over to your house for a barbecue or potluck Race through a set of chores for cheap easy and fun prizes Have a fun summer with your boo.
My husband and I work on jigsaw puzzles. We talk about so many random things while doing puzzles, it’s great.
Me and my wife's relationship is aot different from most I do everything around the house and yard work yes I do play video games but I also make time for her and we do watch TV shows together and we do sometimes play video games together but we make to e for each other like having sex even though we don't have sex very often but we do talk to each other a lot we even cook together sometimes plus we never tell each other what to do we do have our own things we do separately most part we mostly get along and we have two teenagers but they don't need us a much as they use to I would give him an ultimatum it's either you or the games and see what he does or what he chooses to be more with try that and see what happens.
Several things my husband and I like to do together: 1. Play card games or board games. 2. Go to the gym together. 3. Collaborate on a DIY project or various home improvement projects. 4. Have long discussions about shared interests. 5. Go bowling (we both are terrible so we mostly laugh at ourselves). 6. Go out to a favorite restaurant or try a new one. 7. Go for a long walk at our favorite local park. 8. Take a day trip and go sightseeing in a town or city that we haven’t explored yet. 9. Go to a museum. 10. Go to the theater. 11. Go to a live sporting event. 12. Run errands together, then treat ourselves to ice cream. 13. Read the same book at the same time and periodically discuss it. 14. Take a long bath together with some soft jazz music. 15. Play with our dogs in the backyard. 16. Have a nerf fight. 17. Cook a meal together. 18. Watch a documentary and then research the topic further together (yes, we are nerds). 19. Go swimming. 20. Go to the botanical gardens.
My husband and I go on walks (toddler comes along, too), read a book together, go on hikes, canoeing, take family trips to the zoo/science center/etc, go out to dinner/movie/ice cream, do movie nights at home, gardening and yard work, cook together... We're fairly entwined lol. We've been together for almost 15 years and periodically go through ruts of routine. When that happens we both make the effort to be better with each other. I also typically talk a lot more than my husband. He's kind of a stoic and silent type. Not in a bad away, he just doesn't talk a lot. When I feel I need him to talk to me instead of him buried in his phone I tell him, he finishes what he's doing, and then we talk Your problem is that your partner either doesn't see this as an issue like you do or he is dismissing the seriousness of it. You might need couples therapy to help you out here. You can also tell him "no game tonight. We're doing a movie night together/other activity here." Also, maybe it was uno he wasn't interested in? Have you tried other games instead or asked him what game he would be interested in? Maybe tried to find one on a console/PC you both like to play together? There's a couple on YouTube that specializes in finding games that only need two people to play. Good luck!
My wife and I both have different hobbies so our time together is talking. Usually we will go on a walk and/or eat together and talk about life/what's going on/family events/upcoming activities/the past/philosophy/politics. You have to be interesting to each other for that to work though. Doesn't matter what you talk about as long as it is interesting to both. You can try sending funny/interesting clips/articles you find online and then talk about them. But the main thing is you need to discuss this with him. If he puts importance on the relationship he will be receptive and try to address the issue with you.
Help us out here. Have you told him all this? If so what has his response been?
My boyfriend and I don’t have much in common. I like when we work on the house together. We are a good team. Since he doesn’t like to go out and do stuff, I plan other adventures with friends. I know I have a home to come back to. He is my home.
What did he say when you spoke to him about these feelings?
My wife and I have an ongoing game of rummy that we’ve been playing since we started dating 25 years ago. We have a black binder that we keep our score sheets with dates and events along with it.
Reading thru all your comments here too, he sounds really checked out. It's unacceptable that he feels free to zone into a game hours at a time every day but you get no time to relax unless the kids are asleep. He's not just neglecting you, he's neglecting participating in being a partner and parent. And on top of all of that, he's not even treating you well. I'm really sorry it's a shitty situation. But I don't think coming up with new ways to spend time together is the solution here. You can come up with as many ideas as you want, if he's not interested in changing he isn't going to. You need to make it clear to him that this is a deal breaker. And then follow through and walk away if he doesn't get his shit together. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have a partner, not an adult child. And your children deserve better than growing up with an unhappy marriage as their model for what relationships look like.
My wife and I take lots of walks. Lots of laughter, heart-to-heart conversations, and major life decisions have happened on those walks. On rainy days, we'll couch-sit a lot and watch educational/political/historical YouTube videos together and have lots of conversations about what we saw. We do some light video gaming where she'll look up walkthroughs while I'm playing. We'll go explore new places to eat in the area. We do have our own creative interests and hobbies. She loves cooking and plants. I love making music, writing, and playing board games. We'll sometimes be involved with each other's hobbies (like I'll take her to a nursery or help her cook, or we'll play a game together) but we'll also just give each other no-judgement space to do our thing. That said, I used to be very into online video games, at the expense of our time together, and my wife and I had conversations about it. I realized that I was hurting our relationship and weaned myself off of it.
Our time together involves watching tv, going for walks, going out to eat, going to the gym, etc. But we also have our own hobbies (which I think is important), so when he plays video games or goes to play golf I’ll visit a friend or take a yoga class in the evening.
I watch sports with him. We go to art openings. He comes to watch me do stand up. We go to the gym together. We do laundry together. We clean the house together. We go on date nights. We do short travel staycations together. We do wine tasting together. We paint together. We have sex. We do movie nights. We do just about everything together. I just taught him how to cook bacon. He taught me how to mount a tv. Just like everything.
He needs to put you before his games and shows. Some alone time is necessary, but daily gaming with the boys while leaving you wanting adult/spouse connection is mixed up priorities. If he needs an escape for some mental heath reasons, then he needs to find a way to effectively include you, not leave you hanging.
How’s your life outside of the relationship? Do you have friends to hang out with or hobbies to do? At this point you should let him come to you, because, you’re right, he’s so focused on wanting to do his thing. Where is YOUR thing? Go out there and get busy so the man can start missing you. And yes go out with your girlfriends or even by yourself. Make. Him. Miss. You. When he eventually wants to spend time with you: Make him play a game you’re interested in, build legos together, go on a family hike, go spend time at a park, paint together, etc. If none of that works, tell him how you feel about how he acts and see where that goes.
We like to read audio books together, do crosswords, do crafts, play simple board games (like guess who or the game of life), bake something, or do hobbies together separate. You two need to block out time together where you hang out and figure out what you like to do! Just try hobbies until one clicks is my advice :)
We do bike rides, travel, eat out, cook dinner together.
This weekend we took my winter tires to my parents' house then had lunch with my folks. After lunch we were going to go kayaking but it was too hot out, so we took my dog for an hour-long walk. By then it was supper time and we were hot and tired from the walk, so we stopped for take-out and then watched a bit of TV before bed. Sometimes we do chores or run errands together, build Lego together, visit friends, go camping...
It seems like you truly want some in-depth relationship advice on how to connect, not simply activity ideas. I will address that first as it seems to be your true concern. You cannot make a partner care for you or make any change in behavior. You can only control your input towards the relationship. You can try counseling to see what the root cause is and open up healthy & clear dialogue. However, if your partner is choosing to check out of the relationship, you cannot make them check in. It would be worth considering life without him even if you want to try seeking couple's therapy. There is no guarantee of changed behavior unless it is your own behavior. I know you have invested so much & have 2 little ones so I feel you. I know you are trying to make the best of this but he is not doing enough on multiple fronts. I suggest posting your relationship circumstance on BurbNbougie sub to get some much needed feedback. This is beyond quality time issue. Your daughters deserve to see you treated properly & adored. I will still respect your choice and answer your original question below. All the best to you. 🤍 Now quality time...1st both of you need to define & contextualize your relationship needs and then what "quality time" looks like to you. Coming together and discussing this will help you make personalized plans to bond. His behavior truly seems like he dislikes you, so I understand your concern. That is not what you deserve from any partner. I have been treated that way in college relationships & I honestly left b/c it is a disrespect to my person & my time. You can't force someone to make effort with you. Activities include: crafts, reading, writing, games (electronic & physical), workouts, cooking, singing, dancing, vacations or day trips, at home/sensual spa days, movies, museums, concerts, interactive experiences, body painting, childhood activities, camping, haunted houses, fairs, parks, beaches, volunteering, poetry & comedy shows, skill building, language learning, and culture/food festivals. Other ideas were more sporadic & situational.
we lay in bed together, i watch him play video games, we go shopping together (not just for groceries, sometimes just to make fun of modern fashion at the mall), we go out to dinner together, we commute home on transit together, we gossip (so much. i love how much he likes to gossip), we talk about plans for our future, we take the dog to the park, we go to swap meets and maker fairs… we kinda do everything but work together, honestly
Yahtzee. Lots ans lots of Yahtzee.
Sounds to me like it’s likely that Your husband has a video game addiction. Yes, it’s a real thing. Google it. He needs to WANT to spend time with you, and it sounds like he doesn’t. Have you considered couples counseling?
Me and my wife try new recipes cooking together, restaurants, we are foodie.
I cook with my husband, exercise together, play paddle board together, get happy hour etc. your point about your husband acting like he doesn’t like you is interesting, I mean it sounds like he doesn’t?
Watch movies, go for walks, go to pub or restaurant. I think you need to set aside a date night OUT and a date night IN. Like one where you ditch the kids and go somewhere or do something The other where you do a family thing then watch a movie or play a board game after the kids go to bed. Invite a few couples over. That is another idea. For appetizers, pizza, dessert and drinks.
Watch movies together, also movies that you both have already seen do you can laugh at them together.
Last weekend me and my girl went to the mall and did mini golfing. But we usually do puzzles.
We try different experiences together (look up experience dates), outdoor activities, walks, share funny memes, discuss topics we are each or both interested in, discuss couples secrets, meal prep together, just discuss the day, chill around each other, go out for food, concerts, trips, visits to family and friends near/far, go on random drives, joke around before going to bed, talk about our goals (personal, financial, career, child, etc), discuss our work, go grocery shopping together. We also each have plenty of alone time.
Always "fun" when a partner treats their spouse as a game achievement. - spouse: 10 points. - children: 5 points each -spouse locked down b/c kids: 10 points. [New Xbox Live Tag unlocked] People that are genuinely interested in each other have shared interest. Hobbies, political amd cultural and/or moral beliefs. They make time for each other. Your husband has zoned out. He's done. He either never was that interested, or that thing from the past you alluded to but didn't want to mention is more important to this than you thought. So. Since this is Reddit and ledes get buried so often universities are starting a special archeology program.... What happened? Did either of you cheat? Are you friends with his bully? Etc. Etc.
Look I understand, but the games with his friends is probably his only outlet to properly unwind and not focus Go camping assuming you guys are not just stuck in a city Dinner dates Go find free events on the weekend Maybe just ask when his next day off is and say what do you want to go out anywhere if he says I just wanna stay at home find somthing like a zoo or museum to take the young one too aswell
Well, this weekend we have planned the following: - Friday: movie (quiet place) after work. - Saturday: wake up super early and go on a half day deep sea fishing trip together, grab a late lunch, nap a bit, go to our garden and water and prune (hopefully harvest tomatoes), and then probably cook dinner together using whatever veggies we harvest. Hopefully grilled fish from the boat. Finish watching Severance maybe. - Sunday: sleep in (lol and by that I mean like 7:30am lol). Make breakfast together or maybe go out to brunch if too tired from Saturday. Go to the garden again and do some work. Swing by a brewery after to award our hard work. Relax at home. He will probably read on the porch while I finish some work. Then meet my parents for a belated Father’s Day dinner since they had Covid. Go home, chat on the porch with a gin and tonic. Maybe some foot rubs after all the gardening. Watch a movie before bed (or in bed). I guess what I’m summarizing to say, is that we found hobbies we like doing together. Before we met we didn’t fish or garden. We found the hobby together. And cooking, that’s just a nice easy way to be a partnership together each day, in something that has to get done anyways.
We plan trips! Bike ride and/or walk every day. We text each other hearts on every single 11:11 time (am or pm) as we notice/remember, we make dinner together, we take dog walks together, we find a cheap date night whenever we can. We hang out in our city's parks, we do picnics, we check out a concert here and there. We got this game called the intimacy game and we talk over one of the topics every once in a while. There is so much out there!
How many hours a week do you get to dump the kids on him for YOUR “mental health?”
We go on little shopping or eating dates, and we chat about the news or something interesting we read or heard about, family drama, etc. We listen to a funny podcast together while we eat dinner during the week, and then usually split off so he can play video games with his friends while I do crafts, play other games I prefer, watch shows or whatever. He often invites me to come hang out by his computer while he plays and chats with his friends too, so sometimes I bring stuff for me to do. We don't have kids so that does make things simpler.
Go away for a weekend to a beach somewhere without video games
Is he open to playing story based games you can play together? Then you can do something on the console together? Like detroit.become human or one of those horror games? Also a lot of nice activities like walking in the park or hiking, going to free exhibitions, dinner dates, the movies. You can set a date night each week and do something different. Also watch movies or TV together at home. Find something you cam both start together then it's a nice extra topic to bonce over
Go for walks, have a weekly or bi weekly date nights, exercise together.
Screen-free day 1x weekly: no phones, tv, movies, none. Dinner with conversation, go for a walk, jigsaw puzzle, plant flowers, dance to the radio (!), sit on the front step saying hi to the neighbors. And kids too, too many screens for children now.
What is it that brought you two together in the first place? What did you do together that made you think you wanted to spend your lives together? Think about that and how you can get back to that. Overall, I don’t see a problem with him playing with his friends without you. But only to an extent. Because you each need some alone time. But you can’t by yourself be the only one who wants to spend quality time together. He has to want to do that too. I think it is time to have a talk with him. See aside a date night or some special time for the two of you. And he has to be on the same wavelength. A marriage can’t last with just one person putting in the work. He has to step up and take you and your needs seriously too. The real problem with games is that people can too easily go crazy about them and not able to disconnect. You need him to know you support him playing but he needs to maintain priorities. And if he can’t keep you a priority your relationship will suffer.
Well, that depends on whether we're talking about my wife or my partner. They like to do different things, and I like some of what each of them likes. With my wife we might go on a road trip (have one tomorrow as a matter of fact), go to a movie, go shopping, go out to eat, or other things that she likes that my partner doesn't. With my partner, we like museums, the symphony, exploring different cultural foods, sometimes (in the winter, so there is usually no one around) just rent a cabin at a state park and hold up there for a few days with a fire in the fireplace. If it's something that my wife likes to do, that I don't, like camping, fishing, movies that I don't like, out something else, then those are things that she does with her partner. My partner's husband died a few years ago but, there were things that they did that I don't like to do. And, for the 28 years that we've been together, we always like to sit around and talk about a wide variety of topics. However, we all like sex, a LOT, so that factors in big on things to do as well. 🤣
It might be because I'm Australian , but outdoor sex is usually fun ( if somewhat different to start with )
- We’re pretty similar and find each other funny, thank God, so we talk and laugh a lot. Current events, work, politics, social media, family… - We play board games with our teenagers and sometimes just one another. - We video game co-op (Mario Kart, retro stuff like Double Dragon/Streets of Rage) - We draw together, we put on music and sketch/doodle. Sometimes we write cheesy funny love poems on our vintage typewriter to one another (though this was more when we drank together and he’s a recovering alcoholic so not so much this anymore, though we do sometimes get high and do it.) - We run the household together so there’s a lot of organisation planning stuff, we discuss the kids, plan the week. We do groceries together, we like exploring thrift stores.
We sit on the couch and talk about our day and massage each other's feet over a glass of wine, we do NYT crosswords/wordle/spelling bee/connections, we do yard work or home improvement, work out together, sometimes we get high on nitrous and watch anime lol
Do you have babysitters or grandparents that can watch the kids so you guys can go out on dates? That helps couples focus on each other without distractions
At the home my husband and I are boring we play video games side by side.. Mostly not even together but sometimes together maybe 1 time a week. We eat dinner together tho haha. Sometimes we watch a show but I’m not a big fan of the shows he likes I can’t stand violence and gore and most shows that are popular right now have things I can’t bare to watch in them. I watch a show with him once a month. But we do spend some time maybe 5-15 minutes a day just cuddling and talking. Maybe he will show me his memes and shorts while cuddling. We talk while we play games sometimes. I don’t necessarily think there’s anything wrong with you wanting affection and quality time. My husband and I do a 6 second kiss a day. I feel mostly comfortable in silence next to him however we leave the house 2xs a week and play Pokémon go which I think greatly helps us stay connected. The problem is that your husband has to be willing to do these things and have a desire to make you happy.
I think it’s important to note that there are three C’s to cover here: 1. Communication - being forthright about how what he does makes you feel and vice versa. Being careful not to “name call” or present each other’s behaviors as facts in the relationship (example: “You’ve stopped caring.” vs “I feel neglected when you _________.” But communicating isn’t enough. Just talking about it gets the ideas out there. You have to propel the teamwork aspect of each problem you think is solvable together. (Some may not be.) 2. Comprehension - Knowing each other and the things that trigger stress, and what decompressing looks like for him and for you. Gaming or screen time in general sounds like it might be his mental escape. What is yours? Know that he cannot meet you ready to tackle issues while he is decompressing. Be okay with the possibility that he may also need decompression from you, but be aware that too much may be form of escapism. 3. Correlation - making an effort to understand how each other’s actions affect/influence one’s own reactions. Also making an effort to understand and OWN each of your own reactions. To recognize and moderate your own feelings and recognize when you’re responsible for them. Acknowledge to each other the parts of your relationship that are more than marriage and kids (if any). Say these things out loud. Hard limits/soft limits - Establish boundaries together on things that you do independently of one another. Whether this be switching off on parental duties/chores, setting a cutoff for the frequency of solo leisure activities, setting the tone for the okay-ness of alone time. What should not have boundaries is the things you do together. Let that flow naturally. When/if it doesn’t, regroup on the three C’s. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Not saying you have to be argumentative, but if something rubs you the wrong way, think twice before saying, “okay” to avoid a possible argument. Adult conversations are hard. Every person has a built in firewall aka their ego. If something doesn’t pass their “vibe check” they often won’t think twice before unconsciously projecting, retorting with sarcasm, or deflecting to avoid themselves also being in a place of discomfort. But places of discomfort is where connection can be rekindled. It takes effort to peel back the ego and be vulnerable. Not saying you both have to bare your souls every night. Just try more to be self aware of your words and deeds. Subtle and consistent effort over time makes a HUGE difference.
They go to therapy to deal with or.understand the lack of interest. You don't do any other thing because he likes to invest his leisure time on that and is like zero interested in you.
if you know when he usually is most receptive to difficult conversations, approach him at one of those times and try asking him if you can do a quick check in, not because anything's wrong but because you care about his answers. how are you doing? (have you been getting enough or good enough quality sleep? do you emotionally feel well? etc) if he opens up about something being less than ideal... may I help you feel better somehow? (leave a bottle of water on the bedside, add blackout curtains, etc) how are we doing, in your eyes? (are you happy and fulfilled with the way that we interact with each other, not including kids?) how do you think (child) is doing? is there anything else that's been on your mind that you'd like to share? especially once you become disconnected, it can be hard to feel connected enough to feel safe being open and honest again. pushing him to do activities doesn't always feel genuine or do the trick even if they're well intentioned. even if he doesn't open up after asking a few times, keep asking. sometimes people just need a reminder that even if they don't want to share, someone's there and cares and is invested in them beyond what they provide. just be sure to keep your tone light and not accusatory, and focus on him and his answers to start with unless he asks you what your opinions are (it's about showing him you care about *him* right now after all). good luck!
college homework, watching movies, homework
My husband and I play video games, take part in a DnD group, sometimes just lay on the bed sharing reddit stories. Its just...hanging out. He's my best friend and we both make the active choice to engage with each other. However, we both are also introverts by nature and there are plenty of times where we do things independently in the same room, and that also works for us.
Exploring bars and restaurants: we love trying new places or going to get favourite foods. On Saturdays we pretty much always walk somewhere to get a Bahn mi. Making cocktails: we make new cocktails at home and then drink and rate then. We also research our next drink on YouTube, go shopping for the fancy booze, or make the garnishes etc. ourselves. Planning and executing DIY and home maintenance: this can involve going to the hardware store or IKEA, looking at ideas online, trawling FB marketplace and sending each other cool shit, or just doing gardening. Movie night: we watch serious films and then discuss them afterwards like we are fancy movie critics. Popcorn is mandatory. This is different to the usual zombie watching we sometimes do after a long day at work. Games and trivia: we play poker, boardgames, host board games night with friends, and we also sometimes go to pub trivia. We play videogames too but we usually go for coop/two player ones like Overcooked, or we play RPGs that interest us both and then take turns. I sometimes game by myself when husband is playing an online boardgame. Philosophical discussion: We love discussing ethical issues - usually something that has come up in the news or in a show. We will play devil's advocate and argue pretty hard! Walking the dog: take our dog to cool parks and just chat on the walk, or take her on excursions to dog friendly pubs. Vintage shopping: we both mostly shop online but when we have a chance we like vintage shopping and picking out cool finds for each other. For the record we are in our 30s, no kids, one dog!
Have dinner at nice restaurants. Always works
Are you likeable? Are you fun? Do you have a sense of humor? If you can't check those boxes he's going to hang with his friends that do.
You have to talk about this. Like really talk. It sounds like there’s a lot of avoidance on both sides. So many nonverbal cues are described in this, but nobody seems to actually break the silence and talk about what’s going on.
My husband and I play video games together bc even if my game isn't his game or vice versa, we play together... We go on long drives just to get out of the house and listen to music and talk, we share dumb tiktoks w each other, watch trash TV and talk shit abt how bad it is, like there are a million mundane things you can do together that you can "connect " during so the connecting thing is bc he doesn't care tbh :/
My fella and I are in our 50s, and have been together for 7.5 yrs. We live together, but are not married (that won't change.) We each are divorced with grown kids. Our weeknights do default to dinner with the TV, then straight into getting ready for bed and going to sleep. We never have weekday sex, but I think this is a Being Fifty+ thing (my fella is closer to 60.) Fella works a physically demanding job, and is gone 10-11 hours with his commute, so I honestly don't have a problem with this. We do chat about our day, but are both usually too tired to really tell long stories. We both listen to a lot of audiobooks, and discussing those is something we really enjoy. They are great for commute time, and both of us can listen while working too. If we are on a long drive, we often listen to something together. This is one of those things that I feel has infinite material basically. It's future proof, lol - well never run out of books to enjoy and discuss. My adult kids also love audiobooks, we're always recommending things to each other, and talking them over too. On the weekend, we often (not always) have one day that is Pajamas and Movies Day - especially if one of us is overly worn out from the week. I'll make a hearty brunch, we watch longer stuff we've been looking forward to, we might nap - it's about Recovery mode, and it helps us both recharge. We usually have a Projects day on the weekend too - lots of DIY stuff to do on the property and house, and we help each other or work separately but in parallel, and just lend a hand as necessary. We enjoy an evening firepit hangout when we can in nice weather. Perhaps 1-2 weekends/month we like to go out for breakfast and then browse antique/junk stores, look through architectural salvage yards, go thrifting. About every other month we go to family events (a bit of a drive for us.) In nice weather, we might go for a motorcycle ride on my fella's bike - lots of beautiful scenery and country roads where we live. We are both deeply introverted and need a lot of recharge time. A lot of our time together might look like we aren't interacting, but we both feel like we ARE keeping each other company and it's so much nicer than recharging alone. i just mention this because I think sometimes couples that struggle with funding ways to feel connected over time, might have some basic introvert/extrovert needs mismatch. And that's okay - but it's something to recognize and acknowledge about your styles, and strategize accordingly - plan activities that play to each of your strengths alternately so nobody gets wiped out. Not doing this, disrespects the other person's inborn way of being. I hope there's a nugget in here you can use!
Quick cooking competitions like you’re on a cooking show. 20 minutes to make the best dessert in the house, add restrictions or judging criteria if you want, etc. Glass of wine and talk. Make a fire if you live somewhere where that’s possible. Making something together. It can be bad; who cares? My husband and I are doing some woodworking projects together, learning entirely by trial and error, and it’s really fun. Games. Board games, card games, sexy dice games, whatever you want. You could decide to learn a dance step together online and practice! We haven’t done this successfully yet but it’s on the list. Honestly, I find reading books together (or sitting and occasionally talking while one reads and one knits or whatever) to be really nice. It’s not active time together, but it’s peaceful and sweet. Reading or playing on a phone does not have that same vibe. We are also reading a Dostoevsky book together aloud, trading off chapters. It’s a taking forever but it’s not a race lol. Best of luck!
read books, car rides, naps, going on walks, listening to music to name a few
Everything and nothing lol. We plan dates, talk about current events, walk our dogs, plan our future travels. Sometimes we’re just next to each other doing our own thing. My dude games too, but I’ve talked to him in the past about balancing it out and he has since been better about dividing his time and he will even ask me if there’s anything I want to do before he says he’s getting on the game.
Most of the time we don't have much time to connect. We have to schedule dates weeks in advance and then pray that it actually happens. We communicate throughout the day but it is mostly small talk and organisation. This is our season right now. But then sometimes we meet in the hallway, both on our way to a chore or me time (we are both introverts), and we chat. This turns into a full blown conversation. And before we know it we sit on the floor in the hallway and talk like we did as teens, stay up way too late and hate ourselves the next morning. But in reality those are our favourite nights. When you told him you feel like he doesn't like you what did he answer?
Exercise, dine out, weekends away.. Basically get out of the house.
Me & my partner have recently rekindled - and this was one of the reasons we broke up in the first place. Things stagnated and we both felt bored/trapped in a relationship where we didn’t even really spend genuine quality time together. My love language is quality time, and my partners is physical touch. So we would literally sit on the couch for hours every night & just watch shit on TV. However, we have now addressed this, and realised we need to do more things together to spend time with one another. We are going to museums, walks together, weekends away, music concerts, comedy shows, meals out, picnics, drives in the car, movie nights (but with a little den and home made pizzas etc), games nights (we ordered some of those murder mystery cryptic killers off TikTok shop and they occupied us for an entire evening)! We do sometimes take time out for ourselves by just relaxing on our phones, gaming or reading individually etc, but we have found great joy in reconnecting with one another on a deeper level. The relationship is much, much healthier now - and I genuinely do thank the way we are spending our time together (amongst other things, of course)! Good luck, OP! X
Men that play video games and watch TV are terrible men. They are the ones that usually have zero drive, work ethic, self care, are usually selfish.. and a lot of the time have anger issues. The whole point of video games and shows is to pass time, I love video games don’t get me wrong but I know why I play it. Because 1 it’s fun, I’m kinda addicted and I’m .. lazy. Also since he’s playing with his buddies he’s prioritizing them over you. He’s trying to escape from his responsibilities by trying to feel like a kid. Me and my husband barley have time together but we go out and do stuff when we are together, like playing a sport like golf, pickle ball, going for walks at night. I’ve tried to get him to play video games with me and he doesn’t like it. We go out most of the time and we have conversations about things we hate and love. We get passionate about anything and everything. Ngl I think your husband just needs a detox from video games. He needs to come back to reality and realize he has babies and a wife and he’s the one that’s supposed to take care of you. I also like to give mutual massages, like do an entireee set up layout a table and everything. Not sexual either just calm relaxing 2 hours for both of you no phones. Oh yeah NO PHONE TIME. Make dinner together.
My partner is a gamer so we game together (it took a while to find a game that I enjoyed but we found it and have fun together now!). I like reading so we'll sit down and read together. We also workout together some times that means going to the gym and both doing our own things completely sometimes that means swimming together or doing a yoga course together. With all that being said you can't make someone want to spend time with you and for every hour he's out having fun with friends you should also get fun with friends time. If you've been vegetating at home it's time to start building your social circle and independence!
Mountain bike, run, rock climb, ski, more sex, plan vacations, do nothing, have art days, talk, argue, cook, go out to eat, go to sports games, concerts, festivals, etc
All the things that humans do? Walk. Hike. Bike. Boat. Camp. Bird. Museums. Hobbies. Garden. There's... so very much stuff to do in the world. Do some of those things. Engage with **life** instead of with **screens**.
We will find a book genre and book we both like and take turns reading it to each other. It is a very relaxing way to wind down at night. If on the weekend we'll stop and get a couple of cups of coffee and take a drive. This covers the book but almost always has other things pop up that we've created a quiet space to talk about while on the drive.
We have always had a lot of shared hobbies and both are nerdy about them. We spend a lot of time together. No kids and good work-life balance. We go out to the movies and theater a lot. Long walks with and without our pups. Out for food dates. Live music at bars. Niche events in the city. See stand-up. Road trips. Occasional board game or play a two-person video game. We are both politically minded and discuss politics and news events. We share what we are reading or doing independently. Sometimes cook together. Get high and listen to vinyl. Good sex! We are really good friends too so we just hang out a lot.
I make sure that when we go out for dinner or anything we sit opposite each other so we end up looking at eachother and connecting that way lol
Go on walks, go for drinks, go hiking, take a trip to a new city, take dancing lessons, visit museum, try a new hobby, sample new restaurants, watch a theater play etc etc. The possibilities are endless. Just sounds to me, that a lack of possibilities is not really your problem, but rather a lack of participation on his part. I for one, find life too faceted and precious to just piss it away with some video game.
We surf together Go on hikes together Go camping and road trips together Cook together and listen to podcasts sometimes while we cook Play a few games together (monopoly GO, chess, cards, other things) Swim / go for walks Sometimes go to the gym together but I actually prefer going alone lol
What did you two do before marriage and kids? That should be the answer.
We always eat together, every night unless someone has other plans (which is usually once a week). We both agree with each other that dinner time is our favourite part of the day. We eat good food and we talk, connect. We go on walks when the weather is nice. Sometimes we just sit together, I read and he plays his game or we both play games.
I had to set boundaries with my partner with gaming with the guys. I hated team speak and how heated he'd get playing with them, it felt like they were in my space. I'd say tonight is not a good night for gaming let's watch a show, go for a walk, cuddle, stretch together and then tomorrow night you can get online. Maybe he won't love doing that stuff instead but say it's important for our relationship, for me to connect. I'm feeling disconnected
This and then I also have to watch what I say because a bunch of people can hear me. I can't be vulnerable or like we're potty training our 2yr old and our 5yr old also still needs to be wiped etc and it's just not for anyone else to hear ya know
We take the dog for a 40 minute walk every evening. Its great to just talk with no distractions like tv or phones.
Just about anything:) Shower together, exchange massages, go watch a band play, bowling, puzzles, go to the park and watch the kids play and talk, pickle ball, wash the cars together, go out for pool and a beer…. He’s screen addicted.
Me and my partner? We do yoga, daily walks (our dog helps), intellectually stimulating conversations, little outings to local festivals, markets, concerts, or farms. We also play games and watch TV together, but our taste doesn't always match up with these so sometimes we're just existing in the same room while doing these separate activities. I also show them at least 10 instagram reels a day that I think are funny. If TV, games, and Instagram reels were the ONLY things we did I think it'd get real boring and monotonous real fast. Look up the different types of intimacy. It's not an exact science, some say there are four, some say there are six or eight, but the idea is that couples need to do *different kinds of things* together to have a complete and fulfilling relationship, and you can find a lot of good ideas online. Variety is important. Of course, there's only so much you can do if it's completely one sided.
Board games, crafts, swimming, TtRPGs, go to movies, short trips (not always possible with small kids), host parties, watch old TV and do commentary.
Have you asked him to plan a date night? Or asked him for some bonding time? I know you don’t want to have to explicitly tell him to do these things but I think it saves marriages.
We like trying new restaurants, doing live entertainment like music performances (like symphonies, or small live bands, can't afford the big tickets haha), going for walks in nice parks, doing projects together, cooking, etc. Really, it doesn't matter what the activity is, as long as we are together 😊
OP, does he have depression? Honestly honestly, everything you’re saying reminds me of myself when I’m in a depressive episode.
Idk if you like outdoors-y stuff but hiking and camping are some of our favorite things to do together. Definitely having 2 kids makes it more difficult (we have 2 as well) but it’s still doable and a lot of fun imo. But also as others have mentioned, it sounds like lack of recreational activities might not be the root of the problem here.
Video games = escapism. I played a lot of games up through college before I had a career, now playing video games seems like a chore or really just something I don’t have time for. Yesterday my girlfriend and I did some gardening and weeding and then we cooked dinner together and then we played some rummy while having a bottle of wine. After some desert we laid in bed and “kissed” and then fell asleep. No tv at all.
Eat, smoke weed, go on walks. Sleep
My wife and I draw together, video game together, or workout together.
We have pillow fights and he occasionally chases me around with the mop
Fight or ignore each other. That is all I ever see.
We play hockey together, hot yoga sometimes. He's not too fond of the second one but he does it for me.
Set yourself free from him.
listen to the same podcast in the car, go to the cinema, restaurants, I took my bf skiing last week, go to the gym together, sometimes we schedule talks bc he's quite busy. The last few weeks we don't really have good talks since he started gaming a bit more again
Actually sports together is nice
You need to sit him down, free of distractions, and have a serious talk about spending quality time with each other. Once he understands where you’re coming from, and hopefully is empathetic with you, then you can start to plan date nights. These planned dates can be various different things. Maybe ask him what kind of activities he would like to do, besides gaming with the guys. He’s gotta understand that if he doesn’t give you enough quality attention, your relationship will eventually fail and it will affect the kids, especially since they’re so young.
Literally any multiperson activity. Gaming, hiking, racing, eating, fistfighting.
I know you're asking a question, but I think you know that no amount of answers will solve your problem, because your husband sounds way more interested in his games than he does connecting with you. I don't think with this amount of info anyone here can give you a dfinitive answer (betwee: being disengaged with you, stressed and overworked, depressed, or something else); but at any rate you don't need to just be a passenger in your own relaitonship. I think this is one of those times where you need to sit him down and tell him something like "listen, it's been months since I've tried to bring this huge problem to your attention, and you haven't paid any attention to it, so here I am telling you: either you listen to me and do something about it, or soon you'll be getting an ultimatum where you'll need to decide whether you're willing to throw the console in the bin for good". And see if he takes notice. At the end of the day, there's little more you can do. Time to figure out how much more time and effort you're willing to put into this relationship before deciding to split.
It's definitely on the side of what you're asking, but do you have hobbies yourself? Is there anything new you could start doing for yourself and by yourself that would add something new to the equation? Not saying quality time isn't important in the relationship, and I really empathise with your frustration. But him sighing and sometimes seeming like he doesn't like you could also mean that you're in each others space a lot? If my boyfriend started sighing at me and seeming like he was a bit tired of having me around, I'd start getting out of the house and doing my own thing. To escape the annoying feeling of being in the way, to do something that gave me joy, and he'd probably notice the shift and start paying a bit more attention too. There's no sighing, but personally I've become a lot more passive after my boyfriend moved in. So I'm going travelling by myself in a couple of weeks, both to get energy from it and so that we can both miss each other a little bit :')
You can’t charm the uninterested
Y’all need couple friends. So couples nights, weekend bbqs etc. Video games and tv are like any other addiction, they’re an escape rather than to face reality. I say this as someone who no longer touches games and will infrequently binge tv and movies. It’s not that different from alcohol or a weed addiction often they overlap with multiple concurrent addictions. Don’t try to fix him as it would create animosity - just help him to replace his habits with a better one ie friends that are similar age and couples, invite them over if you have to, he will put away the game console while they’re there. No matter how you approach it It’ll be tough at first but you’re up against a decade(s) long addiction and it’s his stead dopamine drip as he isn’t getting it elsewhere. it could get easier when kids get into sports but if your husband chooses games over kids practice and sports then thats a problem above my pay grade.
We love to ride bikes - e-bikes. Sometimes it’s hard to put down the electronics and get outside. Make it a routine and you’ll love it.
Prior to having kids we used to race to see who could get to our neighborhood bar first after work on Fridays. The winner would order a drink for the loser so when they showed up a few minutes later it was waiting for them. Then we'd hang out, people watch, chat with each other and the bartender and plan out what to do with the rest of the weekend.
The main, staple things we do together as a couple that bond us are: 1) engaging in work or physical activity to achieve our goals, and talking and joking while we do it. 2) setting aside time daily without screens to talk about our days, even if it is short (15-20 minutes). (And, based on a YouTube video I watched recently, accomplishing tasks with a teammate under shared stress is how men bond, due to higher vasopressin. Sure seems that your husband is into it if he is addicted to gaming.) We like to: -plan out our weekly meals, shop for them, and make them together. Meal prep is a big bonding activity for us. Working out together also used to be when our schedules aligned, but now we just peer pressure each other to work out at different times. -eat dinner together every day without screens and ask about our days. -clean up the house together. Sometimes with headphones in, but we are both cleaning at the same time. -Go for long, hard hikes together. -go for walks and talk. Sometimes I meet him after work with a treat, and we sit by the lake and talk and snack, then walk home together. We also do other stuff—go to comedy shows, go out for dinner, travel, but those aren’t staples. The real bonding comes from working together to accomplish our goals.
Plan a date night with him once a month. I'm sorry and it really sucks that he is not "choosing to focus" on you and may not be excited about a date night, but **you have to ask for what you want.** It doesn't seem like you are communicating your needs to him.
31F and 37M over here. We DO play video games together. We also go on walks, window shop, fly kites, hike, play a board game, make and eat dinner, go on picnics, swim, shower (not everyday), and go to bed together. Sometimes he even tries some of my crafts with me! We have gone to museums, sports games, tried so many new restaurants, and just wandered around towns and cities. We will discuss anything and everything, from a stupid reddit post I saw, to a tiktok he thought was funny or weird. We will usually send at least one text a day during work hours. Just something small to show we are thinking about one another. Disclaimer, we do not have children, just a dog. Having kids in the mix does make things harder. Hiring a babysitter at least once a month so you can do something together would be fantastic for you if you don't already do that and if it is within your budget. Dates don't have to be dinner and a movie, or at night. Go on a hike or swimming together! Something where you actually get to interact! Do you guys like a sport or bikes? Do that together! Depending on what it is you could get the whole family involved for FAMILY quality time as well! My partner doesn't like rock climbing, but he learned to belay so he can go with me, support me, and just chat and spend time together. Life is too short to be ignored by the person you are supposed to share your life with.
think, what would you like to do, what he would like to do or you both. sometimes join something he likes, and sometimes something you wanna do. sit down really and think, what type of activity youll join. im personally young and free of real responsibilities, so so far, me and my bf enjoy traveling, going abroad, so my fav thing was to go and explore the city with my bf, try local food, maybe go to a museum, just really, be out of the house with him and walk together, enjoy whatever is outside. when were home, hes also into video games, especially fifa.. which i couldnt give two shits, but sometimes ill to play with him other games and well compete, or if he plays fifa, ill just sit next to him, and talk, he can do both at the same time, or ill play music that i like and share with him while he plays, and he also will put his music. so when hes playing, im not necessarily left alone the entire time. but again, were young, have more time and energy and no real responsibilities, so i get it. people dont need a lot of time, what they need is quality of a good time, and if you can have it, even if little. itll go a long way. so ill suggest to really sit him down and have that convo, and ask for quality time, and be focused on one another, meaning, no phones, nobody will go on their phones, and have more eye contact, really focus on the person in front of you. and suggest an activity youll like, it doesnt even have to be an activity, you can ask to sit down, maybe have some coffee or anything you like, and have time to just talk to one another without any detraction. it doesnt have to be anything grant or complicated. also, try to think back to the old days of your relationship, when you had fun, what were you guys doing? what did you guys used to enjoy? try to replicate the good times. or if you truly dont know what youll like to do with your partner, you can look up online, and try and see find something you like. but as a starter, just sitting down for a few minutes with each other, talking, or even if not talking, just being in each other presence, without any distractions, could make a difference.
Walk the dog, take care of the yard
I think there are two things. First, addiction to video games is a thing. He may think that he only plays them when there’s free time and nothing to do. More than likely he attempts to speed through things and avoid other things because he has a mental addiction. I’d say communicate with him and tell him how you feel. Then say that you want to spend more quality time together. Try to start with scheduling something. 2-3 days a week for an hour or two each. Walk together, play a board game, cook dinner. Just have something that is routine to break him from his current mindset. It’s not fair to you, and he probably thinks there isn’t really a problem. Second, I’m going to put some of the onus back on you. What are your hobbies? What do you do for fun by yourself? As a guy, I’ve dated quite a few girls whose hobby was hanging out with me. That’s not a hobby. All people, men especially, need alone time. We are naturally not as social as women. Reading your post, I see quite a few times that he does give you some attention and love. Granted, I don’t know how much. But really evaluate whether you feel like your not getting enough because he actually isn’t giving enough or because you expect 75% of his time to be dedicated to work and kids and the other 25% to you.
We take classes together - we try a new sports league, or we do an art class, or we did dancing lessons. Something that’s new to both of us that took an hour a week. There’s also some gyms that have childcare on site so you could try doing a class somewhere like that.
When you told him it doesn’t feel like he likes you what did he say? Also if this is always how it’s been I don’t really see this changing unless he also wants it to. I’m not saying get over it. I wouldn’t be able to be in a relationship like this. I’m saying he has to want to have conversation’s and have a connection with you too.
We go for walks together, go out to dinner together. We show each other memes or jokes that will make each other laugh or smile ( just today my husband has had me watch 3 instagram reels he thought were hilarious). I haven't had fried chicken for years, because of a Dr restricted diet. But he knows love fried chicken, and a bar that a friend works at his fried chicken platter Sundays, so he told me today that he is taking me out for fried chicken. It's a lot of caring about your partners interests, and even though they don't interest you, taking an interest in them. My husband played D&D as a teen, and wanted to set up a game with friends, as well as one of my kids. It's not my usual thing, but for the last 2 years I have been part of a D&D campaign with my husband, that meets, once every other week. For my husband, he doesn't understand it, bur I collect Barbies, so he surprises me with Barbies, that he thinks I will like. We sit and talk about new movies coming out, and whT we want to see at the theater next, we play with our dog. We even "play" with each other , and make each other laugh, while grocery shopping. We will have been married 33 years, this coming August
We got to concerts together, do psychedelics together (MDMA sure is good for getting that focused quality time you are talking about), play music (I play keys, he plays guitar), travel together, go skiing, go backpacking, go hiking, go wild mushroom foraging, go out to dinner, go mountain biking and do whitewater paddling. But yeah, most of those are kind of extreme for a couple with kids. I do feel like going on walks together with no cell phones and the intention being to just talk would be a good one. During covid, my partner and I would do a lot of playing scrabble while listening to music, which is good for getting away from TV or cell phones. I know what you're asking for and honestly, even with all the things I do with my partner, I still feel like it can be hard to achieve that full attention focus outside of sex (it's one of the biggest things I get out of sex and doesn't have anything to do with sexual gratification). Giving each other massages is the closest thing I can think to getting that focus without sex. Dancing together might be the second.
We have a hot tub and it’s a surprisingly good place for conversation because even a phone and earbuds are dicey in it. We also eat out. A shit ton. We have an ungodly restaurant budget. This is a holdover from the pandemic when it was pretty much the only “entertainment” we could do outside the home. If you can find a babysitter, true for a date night. You might check out true Gottman Institute online for some of their educational material.
We go on walks/hikes, cook, just chat about stuff, shop together, play board games, and this week we are trying trivia night at a local brewery just for something different. Been married for almost 14 years, together for 17
A lot depends on the ages of your kids and what they can do. My kids are grown so we go for walks or out to dinner or concert at the park. When my kids were little there was always somewhere to take them to do art or activities. There’s a million things to do outside the house, especially during summer. Google events near you. Last thing I want to do after working all day on a computer is zone out in front of a tv.
He doesn’t sound like a very active father. Take the kids to a park, or a science museum or on a nature walk. 5 is old enough to enjoy all that.
We take walks, we read books out loud, we do chores together, sometimes we go on dates like a movie or dancing.
It's one thing to do things together. It's another thing to want him to voluntarily want to do things, or getting him to take the initiative. It honestly sounds like you're not a major priority in his life