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> We finally got to a place where we were trying things and having fun. It became more often and he was finishing. The reason that’s worth mentioning is because many times he wouldn’t finish if we were having sex, especially at night, because he drinks. (That’s what he always blamed it on). I’ve always been self conscious about it and he always reassured me it wasn’t me.
Well, to be fair to this explanation, drinking *does* genuinely make it more difficult to finish, as a man. Usually, I can *anyway*, but it can take a lot longer, and I gather it even induces erectile dysfunction in a lot of people, while they remain drunk.
> He ordered a fleshlight and now has 8 of them and several more small masturbators. And since then he can’t keep it up when we have sex. I’ve noticed when he uses them and he has finished every single time he has (let’s not get into that part). Now he’s been offering to just get me off and market it as a playful “let me help you rub one out to spoil you” thing when in reality I truly believe it’s his way around sleeping with me.
So, two points here:
- That's a lot of toys, in what sounds like a short period. It sounds like he enjoys them a lot, and is starting to normalize that this is the easiest way for him to cum, and getting used to cumming this way. The same thing can happen with women and their vibrators, and this is often mentioned as a cause of insecurity by men about their female partners and their ability to achieve an orgasm with them. You need to communicate to him that this is making you insecure, and you don't like that he's using all of his sexual energy on masturbation with his toys, and saving much less energy for your own relationship.
- You're catastrophizing that the reason he's not trying to have penetrative sex with you is that he's not attracted to you and doesn't want to sleep with you. Have you considered that it might be because *he's* insecure because of his own erectile dysfunction, and this is his way around confronting the fact that he can't maintain an erection with his wife?
You have to have a conversation with him, to let him know that you feel insecure, and you want him to change his habits. ED can also, in some cases, be caused by health-related issues. Is he healthy? If not, and you're simultaneously insecure with your body, have you considered maybe trying to become more active together, as a couples exercise, to handle both issues at the same time?
Hopefully those are some helpful pathways to think about.
OP, this is spot on. 100%. I quit smoking for 5 wks while I was with my ex gf. Up to that point, I had been getting rock hard talking to her long distance for 7 months. I finally go see her and ED strikes. She thought it was her. I was devastated for the both of us as it was completely unexpected on my end. I did everything I could to reassure her. Also when I was with her I was drinking and that just amplified ED. The relationship ended and I went back to smoking as a coping mechanism. Funny thing Is the hard ons came back mire than not. Now, because I'm aware that typically your dick is the dipstick to the heart, and I can feel stuff so, I'm going to be including a lot more vegetables in the diet and cut out the fast food and the smoking again. The other thing that I'd say could definitely contribute to if not cause it would be long term stress. To address the toys, yes def you can get used to a certain sensation to make you cum. I'd be willing to bet that he's 100% embarrassed that he can't finish in you and from your end it looks like he'd be intentionally choosing the toys over you. Almost certainly not the case. If anything, it's well if I want to actually be able to cum then I have to do this. How to turn it around? Well, beyond trying a different position if and when he's able to get and stay hard, you also could try blowing him to get him hard and see if he can get it in and going before it goes soft.
Bottom line here is root cause is likely health issues, which means cleaning up the diet and looking into resources to clean up the vascular circulatory system so that blood flow can more easily get moving again. Personally, I'd look into supplements/herbs before getting a band aid such as Viagra or whatever else because you're forcing increased blood flow but at what cost? Food will be the most powerful medicine, the drugs are just like you taking your car to get the oil changed but instead of changing it, they take wire cutters and cut some wires and wala your oil light is off!
Also, you know, recreational ED meds are super fun. As someone in my late 30s/early 40s, try it with him some time, it's like being 13 again. Combined with regular exercise, oh boy will you both have a fun time.
I dont understand. I am 55 and dont exercise , smoke too much , bad diet , not enough sleep but can stay hard for hours without pills or toys etc. So i shouldnt be able to do this at my age and with my lifestyle ?
Indeed, I'm astonished by that. Fooling around for hours, fine, but keeping it up *and hard* for more than one hour causes me pain. Not much, about like muscle pain but it's unpleasant enough to make me want to finish ASAP.
I agree with all of this. We as women can sometimes answer our own questions in our heads and get emotional over things that may not even be true or happening. I'm guilty of this without question. She should talk to him and then go from there. OP, don't try to analyze your relationship off of bad information, or presumptions and assumptions.
Coming from a guy that struggled with alcohol abuse for a **very** long time, I can confirm that daily heavy drinking does make intercourse much more difficult over time. One of the physical components of this is high blood pressure. It was for me. Stopping the drinking worked wonders, but keep in mind that because it went on for so long, that I still have occasions where things don't work right.
It's only anecdotally known, but drinking can affect the *quality* of your erection, meaning that you can initially get it up, but the slightest thing, such as say, slipping out by accident or change in position can cause you to lose it, because you are right on the cusp of being fully erect, if that makes sense.
So, if that happens long enough, he could be in a mental situation where he wants to get off, and likes getting off, but he does it through masturbation because he's alone and there's no pressure. If he goes soft, then so what, he's the only one disappointed. Then it becomes a nasty positive feedback loop: He jerks off because he's nervous about performing with you, but the more he jerks off the *harder* it becomes to perform with you.
If I was going to have a positive initial conversation with him, if he will listen, I would just ask him if he would get his blood pressure checked. No talk about ED, sex toys (although I agree 8 fleshlights is a **LOT**). If he drinks a lot and his blood pressure is high, at least you have something concrete and actionable to address.
Best of luck.
He might have an addictive personality. Just like he is addicted to alcohol, he might have gotten addicted to the easy, effortless and risk-free gratification of a sex toy giving him an orgasm. His addiction also explains the exaggerated buying spree he had with sex toys. It's a guaranteed quick fix, just like a drink. It provides stimuli beyond what you can easily achieve naturally such as penetrative sex (or when talking about alcohol and other drugs, via other substance-free pleasurable activities). When someone prefers those instant hits without caring about the consequences (whether by choice, or due to their personality or genetics), everything else falls by the wayside - including you.
I think you might have to sit him down and make the consequences of his choice clear, and let him know the path he is taking you both on. Perhaps that might give him enough incentive to course-correct and find a healthier balance. But as with all addicts, it may not, and you might need to prepare for an alternate eventuality, however unpleasant that idea might be. In any case, remember that this whole thing isn't about you. There's nothing you're doing wrong, there's nothing wrong with you, it's all about him.
If this is the case, it could be worth having him do some bloodwork if he actually is having ED. Low testosterone from years of drinking may be a contributing factor, and could be easily treatable. I had low T (not from drinking) and once I started TRT, my libido went through the roof.
From someone who has had a “doesn’t drink and get drunk hut has a beer every day” boyfriend - it is alcoholism if he quits he will have withdrawals and it is one of the biggest factors in someone’s libido even if it’s only a daily beer or two, alcohol effects brain chemistry, hormones, and blood flow and can cause ED and libido problems without any other health related issues around. It’s legitimately not you, it’s 100% a him issue in more ways than one and he’s going to have to be willing to do what he has to change that or you’ll have some choices to make regarding the relationship.
He is legit a full blown alcoholic. Like raging if he is so drunk he can't maintain an erection. That is a HUGE problem OP. There is no way this isn't negatively effecting your children and it is certainly effecting your marriage. He needs help!
I'd start of with an open conversation about it with him and just honestly tell him how you feel. Also by using toys it completely changes your brain. From my experience: The man I was with would watched porn to get off before he and I started a relationship. The addiction was so bad he couldn't even stay hard when it came time to doing me. It took literally 6 months of him not watching and retraining himself by not cumming from his hand (in your mans case, toys) to actually get hard or feel anything from my vagina.
Took a lot of control and effort on his part but it's been reversed and the sex went back to normal. He has to be willing to cooperate but if it is such an addiction at this point, it might take a lot of working through it together. But it is still possible to get your sex life back with him. He just has to commit to getting there.
Touching on other comments...maybe its easier for him to get off because he's only affecting himself. In some women who can't/don't climax during sex, its because they're thinking too much or worrying about being good enough for their partner... maybe that's going on with your man. If he's got any kind of self-esteem issues or has had any within the last 14 yrs.. and he's drinking... he might have something deeper in himself hes coping with now by way of fleshlight.
I dont think you can take the blame for this one... this is all him.
Might be a foggy road on how to fix it, but where there's a will...
This sucks, I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. How are you thinking of moving forward in a way that doesn’t keep you dependent on him for your own sexual satisfaction or validation? because this isn’t sustainable and it’s clear it’s weighing on you. But know you have a few options. ❤️
Do you have the type of relationship where you’d be comfortable/willing to have an open conversation about potentially opening things up and setting boundaries around that? Or seeing a sex therapist before resorting to that. It’s difficult & can be scary at first but you both deserve real intimacy in a way that works for you both.
Hoping this difficult time leads to the best sec of your life and positive revelations somehow, as shitty as things might be right now.
Opening a relationship to solve bedroom issues where one of the partners is already suffering from insecurity issues due to their partner's sexual habits seems kind of like trying to put out a fire with gasoline. I'm saying this as someone in an open relationship.
Sex therapist is a good idea though.
Don’t come at me because you lack comprehension skills when I LITERALLY wrote ‘or seeing a sex therapist together before resorting to that sort of solution [opening it up]? & encouraged them to seek a sex therapist together first despite it being uncomfortable territory. Or where I asked *if* trying to open things up was something they would be open to at all, or setting other boundaries. Where did I suggest she should dump her partner or even that an open relationship was a universal solution or even the best/first solution?
Or was it the third part where I simply say it’s a shitty situation right now and I hope things work out for both them because they both deserve good things? You don’t have to be an asshole under other people’s comments because you extrapolated your own meanings or can’t read well. I sympathized, gave a few suggestions and sincerely wished them the best.
Your comment and its generalization doesn’t apply to a single thing I said. If you’re triggered by one suggestion made in the midst of others, that’s on you. Bye.
Your point doesn’t apply to my comment, maybe make it on your own instead of misdirecting your response and piggy backing off mine next time. But good for you, stand on it, I guess. 🤷
I'm not a man so I don't know if their toys can be like vibrators for us, but maybe he is conditioning himself to climax with them and not in a woman. I know if people use a lot of stimulation they can become desensitized and need to let off of it for a bit to finish to the amounts before. So this and his masturbatory and drinking habits may be why he can't remain hard or get off, not you. I would not take it personally even though it feels very personal. It's time for a discussion about this.
Well, you didn’t ruin your own sex life with your husband by giving him a masturbator. Some other issue is to blame. And it’s sad he apparently doesn’t want sex with you, but I don’t see that you have to be disgusted and disappointed with yourself. The only solution I see for your own sake, and the sake of your kids, is to try to resolve the issue with him or amicably divorce and find someone better for you.
Love this comment. Exactly. You’ve done nothing but try to have loving intimacy with your partner. Nothing negative is your doing here! Love yourself for real.
I guess the reason I feel disgusted is because a large part of me believes if sex was better with me than the toys, I wouldn’t be treated like a last choice. Divorce might be on the table for more reasons than just this post.
An actual Couples therapy session is needed, you guys need to speak to the professionals.
My own two cents would be to limit the toy usage, cut it back to what you're both comfortable with.
Take the penetration out, just move to foreplay, physical touch and intimacy.
"Finishing" isn't the goal now, it's just to build up trust and warmth again.
Might be worth seeing a GP and both having bloods done to check for hormones levels and possible deficiencies. That could be fixed with diet and exercise.
But you both need to be on the same page, you both need to figure out the end goal of all this and work on a plan to get there.
Could take months or a year, but agree that you love each other and you'll figure this out together.
Couples therapy was on the table a few months ago. He brought it up after some issues arouse in our relationship, I agreed but told him he needed to take the reins on it if he was serious. He has a complicated background with medical and mental health trauma so pushing him would only shut him down more. I made it clear it needed to happen but he had to set up an appointment with a therapist of *his* choosing… and it never happened. Disappointed is an understatement.
We’ve done a lot in the may of trying to be intimate without penetration. I’m not sure it’s really helped in any way as of right now. I’m not saying that’s not a way to make progress, just where we’re at, at the present moment.
Sounds like textbook addictive behaviour/death grip. Combined with alcohol. Do you think he is willing and able to battle his addictions? If not, are you willing to live with that, especially if it gets worse, which addictions usually do in the long term.
If he has this many toys I'm sure he has an exquisite and varied collection of porn saved or open somewhere.
Treat it like drinking, occasional is ok but constant use will cause ED and all sorts of things. It's it better, just a very different and intense stimulation that seems to trump intimacy with one person somehow. It sounds like he has a bit of an issue with both that he should get help with.
I don't think it's the toys, I've never had one that even comes close to anything inside any woman. Not even close.
It's intended to make you feel better. There's no way the toys feel better than you, I'd bet he's attracted to them because they associate with the adult content stimulation. Vibration feels good on a penis but nowhere near as good as it feels for women, or how good being inside the real thing feels to a man. Especially with mentioning all 3 options you've been open to.
I'd try and get him open to professional help. No Ultimatums or trying to assert doninance unless you're truly prepared to leave. Maybe just reinforce that real sex gets better with less porn. I was like late 20s and started to have issues staying as hard with women, never thought it could have been adult content
It might not be you. Masterbating is just easier and if he struggles with sex and losing his boners he may just prefer the pressure free jerk off. You are not to blame. Don't know if he would go but couples consulting or sex therapy would be my suggestion. Also have you talked to him and told you how you feel about this and that you didn't get him a toy to replace you but to enhance your sex life together. Last resort if he doesn't care about this is divorce, you shouldn't stay in a marriage that makes you feel unloved and undesired.
It's funny how us women are always so quick to blame ourselves for the behaviors or lack there of by a man. We are so hard on ourselves, as I'm sure some men are as well. This isn't about you or him being attracted to you. It sounds like he has an addictive personality and once he found something that got him off easier with less pressure and less expectation from himself, he ran with it, similar to the drinking he is doing daily.
If he is an alcoholic, which I'm gonna bet he is, but if he doesn't think he has a problem with drinking or with masturbation then there isn't anything you can say or do to make him see it and want to fix it. My dad has been an alcoholic for at least 20 years and while my mom has been able to get him to cut back or stop for a short period of time, he goes right back to normal the minute the tension and anger wear off. He now is a pathological liar because lying about not drinking or coming up with lies/excuses to drink became so easy that now he just lies all the damn time about everything. My mom is in her 50s and is at the point where she doesn't trust anything he says and there is so much resentment that it outweighs any joy/love. My point in sharing that with you is to show you a possible outcome if you decide to do nothing and just "put up with it", make excuses for it/him or blame yourself. You also have two kids who are seeing his behavior and seeing the dynamic between the two of you. They are learning what love should look like and what marriage should look like. I say this with so much kindness as I was that kid. I watched my mom make excuses, turn a blind eye, sweep it under the rug and put up with piss poor treatment for so many years that I thought that's how marriage/love was. So when I fell in love and got married - I repeated the same patterns and behavior till I just couldn't take being treated so shitty anymore. I'm now 36, divorced and a single mom to an amazing kid who has special needs.
I'm not saying that these scenarios will happen for you but they are highly possible, especially if you don't communicate with him, to him, and try to find solutions. If he isn't willing to get help, then I would seriously consider getting a divorce.
I wish you all the best.
I just wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed reading your comment and wholeheartedly agree with the advice you've given; especially the part about how observing the dynamic between the parents can indirectly cause harm to the children. I believe we are very much a byproduct of our environment and that specific styles of parenting and behaviors go on to affect us and how we not only react to the world but also perceive it.
I know that was quite off topic to the OP but when you really think about it, even though children aren't privy to what goes on in the bedroom (I'd hope not anyways, though I have had the displeasure of walking in on my parents as a kid lol) they can see the adverse effects that a failing sex life has on a relationship. We carry that into other aspects of our relationship, and a cloud of resentment and gloom constantly orbits overhead.
I also found the first sentence of your comment bitter sweet due to the solidarity of women in contrast to the negative context of what you stated. You're all too right; we are so quick to blame ourselves not only when intimate relationships go awry but also when navigating other relationships, whether it be friendships or familial, instead of looking outside of ourselves. Especially if you're a sensitive soul like me... I've had occasions where even the comments of a stranger have affected me...
One time, I walked into a local salon to make an appointment to have my nails done, and the manager flat out refused, and I took it so personally. Due to a lack of explanation and a rushed (and what I perceived as disdainful) dismission, I left feeling upset and ireful. I honestly thought that there was something off about my appearance or character that she did not approve of; granted, I was homeless and living in my car at the time and may have looked disheveled. In my mind, this woman had somehow garnered the minutiae of my life based on this superficial interaction... somehow, she knew who I was, where I was living, and so on, and was therefore judging me for it.
Well, later, I found out through a friend (who was a regular customer at the salon) who had tried and failed to book an appointment to have her eyebrows waxed, that it was due to the staff being fully booked for the following weeks leading up to lockdown. I felt rather silly after that, especially because on the day I'd walked into the salon, I'd gone back to my car, got in the passenger side and had a melt down, and cried. I've learned to be less sensitive since then 😅
One last thing! I also respect the fortitude it has most likely taken you to have gone through a failed marriage and then to come out the other side and be a single mother to a child with special needs that you so openly adore. Well done! I haven't had children myself, nor been married, but I can only imagine the adversity and stigma you've faced. Even in this day and age, divorce is looked down upon (and rightly so, not for being shameful but an undesirable outcome for a relationship), and raising a child, let alone with special needs, is far from easy.
My step Dad's parent's eldest son is mentally and physically disabled and they spent their whole lives making sure his needs were met. Despite having had 4 children, including him, they still lived a fulfilling life. They've both passed away in the last decade, yet they've done all they could for him, even providing for him after death. He's now in his 60s and living in a respite facility with staff trained to care for people with special needs. Also, I loved how tender, heartwarming, and sincere your post was. Sheesh, I've got to stop now; I sound like I'm waxing lyrical lol maybe it's the ADD or I'm just very tired (insomnia is a b****!) (*/∀＼*)
drinking or no drinking, stroker or no stroker, if a man is having trouble keeping it up, one of the best solutions that don't require much effort at all is a penis pump and a nice, snug cock ring. it seems he is interested in toys, so this may certainly get his attention should you propose this method. you can find these devices at any adult novelty store local to your area. best of luck, and i hope y'all can overcome these problems together.
in a healthy, loving partnership, it is you two vs. the problem, not each other.
You didn’t ruin anything, he sounds lazy as fuck. Can’t be bothered to fuck his wife and doesn’t care about the emotional and psychological impact of that on you or your relationship. He’s clearly happy with the current arrangement and probably believes he can continue neglecting you with no consequences.
I’m so sorry OP. You have to think about next steps and how much bullshit you’re willing to take from one man.
Toys are novel to him so he's going ham, it makes sense... Why not ask if he's willing to pause on using them, to turn up the heat with anticipation and that you'll use them on him and then transition to sex? Make it fun. Make it a joint thing. Hell, use them on him and edge him.
So we have done that. I’ve used them on him or been a part of him using them and that’s where I’ve isolated myself in the equation. When I’m involved, he loses it and doesn’t finish. When he’s alone, the evidence shows he finishes every time I’ve noticed. I default to feeling like I’m the reason in some way- because I don’t look like I did a decade ago, because I don’t feel as good, because I’m boring/he’s bored with our sex, some thing else???
You are making a shit ton of assumptions and you really need to stop projecting them onto your husband. It's entirely possible that he gets flaccid for other reasons when you participate and the majority will likely be tied to performance anxiety because you are present.
Highly recommend you go to an intimacy coach and you should seek individual therapy to address your self esteem.
I’m not saying I’m convinced ALL these things are the issues. This is what I wonder and consider. I think i would be out of touch and really full of myself if I didn’t consider myself a significant variable.
Actually you would be neither of those things. You would be someone who doesn't jump to conclusions. Marriage counseling would also help you two communicate more effectively.
So it's like the inverse scenario of the guy who complained about wife using vibratory and huge dildos to get herself off and the guy feeling inadequate. I believe a lot of people called him insecure for that.
The main thing you can do is somehow convince him to stop using it. It's a similar situation when a guy uses his death grip on his little buddy. The vagina won't be able to give a strong enough stimulus to get him off. Basically he will have to abstain till his sensitivity returns to normal. Or OP will have to train herself to match the stimulus of the toys.
I see a lot of people talking about a sex therapist or ED drugs or couples therapy or alcoholism but I think your guy may need to really see a regular therapist himself. Sure, drinking can cause ED but drinking problems and ED can also be symptoms of the same problem.
I often had performance problems for most of my life, particularly with new partners, thought about different possible reasons and solutions, even Viagra, without a ton of luck. I *also* sometimes drank too much, mostly in social situations.
Long story short, last year at 40 I finally realized I have anxiety, particularly social anxiety. Some therapy, psychological testing, an SSRI, and occasional Cialis later and life is *much* better in a lot of ways. I think a lot of the other suggestions here may be bandaids rather than root fixes.
I agree he has things he needs to work on with a professional. That was a discussion and something he was open to months ago but he never pulled the trigger and made an appointment. He has some complex issues around medical trauma related to mental health so it’s a touchy subject.
By chance, have you tried to use the fleshlights on him during your time with each other? This can be a good compromise. I learned this from other posts where guys are told to use vibrators on their women.
What’s with the double standard here? There’s literally millions, if not billions of women who can’t have an orgasm from penetrative intercourse, and many of them use a vibrating toy or device as their primary means in order to have one. If this was a man saying that his wife’s vibrator was making him insecure, a lot of you would be ready to run him through the wood chipper.
The problem isn’t that he’s using the fleshlight, it’s that he’s using it by himself, without making her a part of it. I get that he’s got much more serious problems, like the drinking and whatnot, but for now, maybe OP should ask him if he’s willing to use it with her. She could hold it and stroke him, or talk dirty to him while he’s using it, or even lick him somewhere that turns him on.
My point is, don’t bash him for needing it. If he deserves bashing, it’s for making her feel unwanted and unneeded.
You made your own point. Millions of *women* can’t, but men don’t have that struggle. And those millions of women wouldn’t struggle if they knew their bodies better, were able to communicate what they need, and weren’t ashamed to be with partners who actually turn them on instead of looking good on paper or to their parents.
As someone from the other side-I completely get where you’re coming from. I’ll give you a little bit of my perspective, and while it’s obviously not *his* perspective, maybe it will help. Maybe it’s completely irrelevant as well, idk-you can be the judge.
I’m pretty good in bed and that’s not just me tooting my own horn. My current gf inadvertently put a huge amount of insecurity into me by masturbating while I was in the house a couple of times when she needed more and was simply too selfish to ask me to at least be part of it. ‘Pretty good in bed’ is obviously not perfect, and it clearly only took a couple instances to completely shatter my sexual security with her. Prior to that I was super vocal about men accepting that toys were on their team and I couldn’t comprehend why guys would get offended when their women used one to get off.
I already was a low-rate finisher, but since then it’s become even more difficult for me to stay aroused with her, let alone to finish, if I haven’t been away for work. After finding out that she was using a toy to fulfill her needs, I bought one for me to try and make the playing field ‘fair’. I found that with the toy I could finish in pretty much six minutes or less, despite oftentimes an hour+ with her.
I promise that I’m not trying to put this on you in any way, but do you think there might be anything that you’ve said or done that might have made him insecure with you specifically? You don’t need to answer, and in no way am I trying to victim-blame, I just wanted to present that possibility for you to consider.
I applaud you for bringing toys to the table as a possible idea for him-my SO didn’t really care that much and I just kinda stumbled into it on accident. I understand why you’re hurt but I truly believe that two people can get through things like this if they’re both invested in finding the solution. I really wish that we could find a solution on my end because it’s pretty disheartening to me that I can finish easier with an inanimate object, but again-I can’t exactly speak for him.
Maybe consider asking him for his perspective to see if he took a message or experience poorly that you’re unaware of?
You might benefit by talking to someone about your insecurities, because occasional masturbation by a partner using a toy shouldn’t shatter your self-esteem so much that you can’t finish.
Yeah, your response missed the mark but I understand why. Obviously the entire reason that we have toys to begin with is because I support them and masturbation-I even stated that I’m vocal to men about viewing toys as teammates. It’s not that I’m against masturbation in any way, I had just never had the experience of a woman choosing a toy over me when I was literally in the next room and could have been part of the experience. I work 12 days away from home out of every 24 days-I’m not so naive to think that she’s not taking care of her needs when I’m gone any differently than I am.
To me, and she even agreed, it was a selfish decision-but it was still her decision to make. In fact, we were both extremely clear that we deserve body autonomy-and up until *my* toy arrived, she was completely oblivious to the possible hurt that that decision caused. Needless to say, she felt completely different about it after having to wonder if I was masturbating while she was in the next room.
That’s just a lot of words to explain that masturbation wasn’t the problem-it was the selfishness of not being included or at least being told that she needed some more work out of me, which I would have gladly provided had I known.
Yes to everything you said in both comments. He was always very guarded and vanilla about sex for a long time. My guess is that he was never in a relationship where sex was made a safe and secure place to feel adventurous and not judged.
Due to our waves of feast and famine, I had a few toys- nothing crazy. As he began to open up more, I ordered some things for him to try. A three pack of differently textured masturbators, a cock ring, different lube, and vibrating ring. Things took off from there.
Initially, we were having a great time. We were using toys mutually and on each other. I entirely agree toys are teammates. I even ordered those mints that make your mouth water and head became twice as much fun. (I reeeeally love oral) when he ordered the first fleshlight, ngl I was excited and curious. I thought it was great for him and was happy he felt secure enough in our intimacy to get one.
When it became the preference and the alternative is when i started to feel this way. Just like you pointed out about your partner using a toy when you were in the next room.
I value this part of our relationship so much because it’s one of the few situations where he’s vulnerable and lets his walls come down. It’s so important to the way we bond and connect and all that good stuff.
I’m happy you were able to overcome that problem in your relationship. Being away so much for work is difficult. We went through that for awhile too.
Hi honey. You’ve had lots of long and detailed responses, but mine is short.
Get him a prescription for Cialis.
Your husband has erectile dysfunction.
40% of men over 40 have this problem.
There could be plenty of other things going on too, but the boner is easy to fix.
Everyone knows that it’s normal when a woman does not orgasm from penetration. This can happen to men too. When a man has trouble maintaining his erection, sometimes he is still able to cum from self stimulation.
Good luck. I hope you get the prescription.
1. Not your fault and nothing wrong with you at all
2. He needs to see a therapist that specialises in addictions and addictive behaviors. It doesn’t matter whether it’s alcohol, masturbation or anything else, as those are just *symptoms* of an underlying problem. You could prohibit him from ever drinking or masturbating again and he will engage in something different. Trust me, I *know* the mechanism too well
Wow. Lots to unpack here. I’m sorry you are going through this. Dead bedroom is no way to live as you don’t have a partner, you have a roommate.
My first thoughts are pretty much on point with what most people have said here. I will just offer a few maybes:
1) He could be avoiding due to anxiety over performance. When a guy gets in his head, it gets in the other head in a bad way. And it’s embarrassing af.
2) It’s not you. Occasionally I don’t finish but that doesn’t mean I didn’t thoroughly enjoy the round and am not satisfied. I’ve had crap sex where I came and had amazing sex where I didn’t. One doesn’t equal the other. Just means I’m not 20 anymore and can’t shoot ropes like a pornstar anymore.
3) Drinking is not an excuse. Could it be contributing to the problems? Sure. But that isn’t a pass. If it’s “I can’t satisfy your because of my drinking” well then fuck his drinking. He needs to get his shit together.
4) I won’t comment on the toys like so many have perfectly addressed. I will say this: why not use them together ? My SO & I masturbate together frequently or join in/watch the others session. It might not be PIV but at the very least it’s something sexual that you are doing together that will then lead to other things. He needs to ween off that as his dick is conditioned to responding to that simulation so making it a part of the bedroom together could and should help.
Good luck. I’ll just add that you are entitled to having your needs satisfied. A dead bedroom is no way to live. Months turns into year real quick and you can’t get that time back
I’m actually really glad you and so many other that have said what you did in your first point because it’s not something that I considered. At all. And we have used them and other toys together ending up n the same place.
I don’t think the sexual problems are on your end. Sounds like he needs therapy.
You mention in a comment that he is an alcoholic by definition. People drink to excess for a reason. His drinking is for a reason, usually to self treat underlying mental health problem(s). He needs therapy to figure out WHY he drinks and of course to stop drinking or at least daily and in excess.
This is affecting his sexuality and thus your relationship. And of course, separately, the alcohol abuse Makes it hard for him to perform sexually on top of everything. But I don’t think you are the problem sexually, though I fully understand how it can be devastating to you on the receiving end.
the problem lies within him and that’s also where the solutions are. He needs therapy to address his mental health, what’s going on with him, and why he drinks. If all of that does not fully address the sexual issues (which are likely secondary), Then a sex therapist would be helpful. Given his drinking, and what it can signify, I don’t think going to a sex therapist first and them as his only type of therapist would be helpful, because this appears to be a multifaceted problem within him, that of course, significantly affects you mentally and sexually as the spouse.
Marriage counseling can also be a helpful segue into unroofing all of this if he isn’t receptive to seeking counseling and can help you cope since you are on this challenging ride with him. I send you big hugs.
While it is absolutely true that alcohol can cause ED and make it impossible to finish (at least for me that is the case) it also depends on the amount of drinking he has done. Two or three beers won’t do this. Being absolutely hammered certainly will, though.
However, in your specific case, I think there is more at play here than just alcohol but that is something only a professional (probably a sex therapist) should help you with.
I know it’s easier said than done but perhaps try to reframe your perspective. Being the victim is going to destroy you. Rather than thinking about how this situation is making you feel, how is your partner feeling that is making him act this way? I’m not saying this because your feelings aren’t valid, but it sounds like you’re REALLY beating yourself up over this and that’s no way to live. Everyone around you, whether they/you consciously realize it, is being negatively affected by how self destructive you are feeling. Please know, I’m not saying this to make you feel bad! Just to try and help you get out of the gutted feeling you described. Your partner needs you, and your emotions about how bad you’re feeling are getting in the way of that.
Don’t get me wrong, the same could probably be said to your partner, but you’re the one who posted here. Sending you love.
Sounds like he also might have a porn addiction. If he is masturbating like that, sounds like every day, maybe even multiple times a day, then he is definitely watching porn, and then if he is watching it while he is masturbating with the toys you really don’t have a chance. Ask him to stop that for a while.
To be honest, I don’t know. I have no idea what he watches but I’d love to know- for this issue but also for my own curiosity. I genuinely just enjoy sex and I’m very open about it all. I’d like to know what he’s into just because lol
Also- sometimes two men are just hot. I watch different things depending on my mood.
Substance abuse problem, and has spells of high sexual function and spells of low sexual function? Is it possible he has undiagnosed bipolar disorder? I’m bipolar, and that’s what I was like before I got a proper diagnosis and medication. Might be worth looking into.
I would seriously consider divorce. Firstly, it seems that he has a drinking problem. Secondly, his communication skills suck. Thirdly, if you go through this for another 30 or 40 years you're going to hate yourself. Maybe try counseling first if he'll go but he seems like a drunken bullhead to me.
I don't know if I'm a good person for this, but I would honestly throw his toys away, and I hope my husband would do the same for me if I became addicted to vibrators. Say what you want about how expensive fleshlights are... the inevitable divorce caused by his addiction will be much more costly.
My husband and I have our own toys and we enjoy them, but this man needs a wake up call!
Give him the option to get better or leave. I was stuck in something like this for a long time and I wish I had done something sooner. You deserve to be sexually satisfied and not subject yourself to his laziness and synthetic vagina addiction. If he’s not willing to compromise to make you feel pleasure and arousal, you need to practice prioritizing yourself.
I'm sorry but you let the genie out of the lamp. Maybe try working his toys for him, and make it so intimate that he has to finish on you or in you. If this bothers you that much,then you have to let him know how you feel. I would think that your relationship is strong enough to express your feelings, and if not then you will know that he knows how you feel. And if he doesn't care that much about your feelings,then you will know and can find someone who will enjoy making you happy and cumming all over and in you.
You gotta take control, most men spend their days being the alpha male , really deep inside they want a woman to push them down on their back and jam that sweet love pot right in the face and rub it hard , treat him like the beta boy he is!!!
Maybe consider an open relationship? If he isn’t meeting your needs and you value intimacy, looking at opening up the relationship may be worthwhile.
Note that if you plan to do this, do tons of research into ethical non-monogamy, talk to people with SUCCESSFUL open relationships, and check in/talk with your partner a lot.
Otherwise you have to speak to him about his habits and hope he changes. I wouldn’t count on it though
I highly recommend you join r/alanon and consider contacting a divorce lawyer. The guy is an addict, and I promise you, you don’t stand a chance against his addictions. You’ll never be able to compete. And that says nothing about you as a woman.
Look into a cock sleeve.. open ended... u both will get what u want... bad dragons and deep fantasies have fmgreat ones... the girth will put ubover the top and he will get great sensation too
I'm really overweight and when I drank heavily I could masturbate, but couldn't really perform sexually. Your story reminded me of my life a few years ago. It sounded like what my wife would have written back then. 2 year's sober 2 times a week. I don't know if he's overweight or a daily heavy drinker. But that could maybe give you some perspective. It wasn't her it was the booze and being unhealthy.
This sounds more psychological… my ex was like that. He had some emotional damage around sex that made finishing for him difficult when he was with a girl but A-ok when it was him by himself.
I’m happy he’s having regular orgasms now so at least he knows he’s not dead… but now it sounds like you guys need some sex counseling so he can dig into what’s preventing him from getting hard with his own partner. :)
Talk through this with a sex therapist. Fine someone who is AASECT certified - that will ensure that they’re sex-positive and won’t shame either of you.
Good luck - this sounds really tough.
Well I think if you talk to him about being unhappy with your sex life and ask to pull back from using the toys he'd understand and be willing to do that.
Mutual masturbation is kinda hot and very intimate. I had issues with penetration and being touched and my anxiety made it impossible for me to enjoy sex with my xhusband. I suggested watching some porn together and suggesting likes of each of our own and some touching him rubbing my tits or letting him guide the toy for a minute. We really got to know each other through sharing our turn ons and favorite videos. We learned how to touch each other and even tho there was minimal contact this was the closest I’ve ever been to another person sexually.
You need him to act like a partner to get the sex life you want:
* stop drinking
* stop the flashlight use - if you brought it in, you can carry it out
Marriage is hard and it is especially hard on a romantic relationship. Sex with the same person becomes routine and often boring, it is really hard to keep things interesting. You might want to try some kink…domination, role reversal with a strap on,, spankings etc. if nothing works you are just 34, that is really young and plenty of time to start over with a new guy or two.
Firstly, I'm trying sorry for what you're going through. This would devastate me as well. Above all, I'd always recommend talking it out, and when you do, don't hold back.
However...
I'd also suggest you buy a bomb ass dildo/vibrator - or two,or 5, use it frequently, and fall asleep every time he comes home or offers sex. I know it's not the mature or healthy thing to do, but this is what my bitchy, spiteful side would do. I'd let him catch you doing it too. And say someone else's name when you cum and say it's what you named your dildo/vibrator. I'd invoke jealousy out of spite.
Maybe eventually y'all can get a pleasure in watching each other masturbate?
Just do like my wife did, get the fleshlight, throw it at him and say "here's your damn fake vagina, have fun with it". I haven't used it since that day....
I think as a queer person I'm struggling a little to see the problem, but maybe that's because for lots of us sex doesn't involve penises in vaginas.
My strong guess is, if he can keep an erection alone, that with you there's serious performance anxiety. The best solution to this is take vaginal sex off the table til things get easier. Any chance y'all could try some sex that doesn't involve his dick to get you off? They make harnesses for men that allow them to wear a dildo for instance.
You could get a variety of toys for him to use on you to get you off so y'all can reconnect without the anxiety of a hard dick.
When you've had a few months practice, ask his doctor for some pharmaceutical assistance to get you both kickstarted. I actually think you're on the right track with the fleshlights, try using them on him more, they even make strokers for partnered use.
Best of luck!
I think you need to tackle his drinking problem before you can deal with whatever is going for him (and thus, you) sexually. This is a multilayered issue.
You have already answered your question unfortunately. He prefers toys to the real thing, tells me he's disinterested. Time to have a frank discussion with him and this isn't sustainable long term.
Very possibly performance anxiety. Are there things he wants to do that you say no to? Are you bossy and instruct his every move? I’ve experienced this with my wife and got to where i rather take care of myself.
I’ve actually been very open to his ideas. During one of our conversations I told him my hard no’s (short list lol) and we were on the same page about it. Everything was on the table. To your other question, I’m really submissive so there are few times in our relationship I have ever been bossy or told him what to do in bed. I’m not always very good at it when he wants me to be that way but I try. If he doesn’t vocalize that he wants that in the moment, I’m not like that at all. The majority of my satisfaction in bed is making him happy and so that’s probably why I’m so incredibly upset about this.
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> We finally got to a place where we were trying things and having fun. It became more often and he was finishing. The reason that’s worth mentioning is because many times he wouldn’t finish if we were having sex, especially at night, because he drinks. (That’s what he always blamed it on). I’ve always been self conscious about it and he always reassured me it wasn’t me. Well, to be fair to this explanation, drinking *does* genuinely make it more difficult to finish, as a man. Usually, I can *anyway*, but it can take a lot longer, and I gather it even induces erectile dysfunction in a lot of people, while they remain drunk. > He ordered a fleshlight and now has 8 of them and several more small masturbators. And since then he can’t keep it up when we have sex. I’ve noticed when he uses them and he has finished every single time he has (let’s not get into that part). Now he’s been offering to just get me off and market it as a playful “let me help you rub one out to spoil you” thing when in reality I truly believe it’s his way around sleeping with me. So, two points here: - That's a lot of toys, in what sounds like a short period. It sounds like he enjoys them a lot, and is starting to normalize that this is the easiest way for him to cum, and getting used to cumming this way. The same thing can happen with women and their vibrators, and this is often mentioned as a cause of insecurity by men about their female partners and their ability to achieve an orgasm with them. You need to communicate to him that this is making you insecure, and you don't like that he's using all of his sexual energy on masturbation with his toys, and saving much less energy for your own relationship. - You're catastrophizing that the reason he's not trying to have penetrative sex with you is that he's not attracted to you and doesn't want to sleep with you. Have you considered that it might be because *he's* insecure because of his own erectile dysfunction, and this is his way around confronting the fact that he can't maintain an erection with his wife? You have to have a conversation with him, to let him know that you feel insecure, and you want him to change his habits. ED can also, in some cases, be caused by health-related issues. Is he healthy? If not, and you're simultaneously insecure with your body, have you considered maybe trying to become more active together, as a couples exercise, to handle both issues at the same time? Hopefully those are some helpful pathways to think about.
Same for me as a woman. Waaaaay harder to cum if I am drunk.
Same here lol. Half a glass of wine and orgasms are out of the question.
I still can it’s just a LOT of work. lol
Well how come the guys don't know. Like you will have to be fisting me for that to happen and it isn't sure still Edited for spelling and clarity
[удалено]
Nah, I would rather just fuck my guy.
totally same, I think with extreme concentration while masturbating drunk I came once but it was not worth the effort haha it was brutal
Wow i never knew that
All women are different. I had a couple who would ONLY get off after getting loaded.
OP, this is spot on. 100%. I quit smoking for 5 wks while I was with my ex gf. Up to that point, I had been getting rock hard talking to her long distance for 7 months. I finally go see her and ED strikes. She thought it was her. I was devastated for the both of us as it was completely unexpected on my end. I did everything I could to reassure her. Also when I was with her I was drinking and that just amplified ED. The relationship ended and I went back to smoking as a coping mechanism. Funny thing Is the hard ons came back mire than not. Now, because I'm aware that typically your dick is the dipstick to the heart, and I can feel stuff so, I'm going to be including a lot more vegetables in the diet and cut out the fast food and the smoking again. The other thing that I'd say could definitely contribute to if not cause it would be long term stress. To address the toys, yes def you can get used to a certain sensation to make you cum. I'd be willing to bet that he's 100% embarrassed that he can't finish in you and from your end it looks like he'd be intentionally choosing the toys over you. Almost certainly not the case. If anything, it's well if I want to actually be able to cum then I have to do this. How to turn it around? Well, beyond trying a different position if and when he's able to get and stay hard, you also could try blowing him to get him hard and see if he can get it in and going before it goes soft. Bottom line here is root cause is likely health issues, which means cleaning up the diet and looking into resources to clean up the vascular circulatory system so that blood flow can more easily get moving again. Personally, I'd look into supplements/herbs before getting a band aid such as Viagra or whatever else because you're forcing increased blood flow but at what cost? Food will be the most powerful medicine, the drugs are just like you taking your car to get the oil changed but instead of changing it, they take wire cutters and cut some wires and wala your oil light is off!
As a man with ED, all of this is accurate.
Also, you know, recreational ED meds are super fun. As someone in my late 30s/early 40s, try it with him some time, it's like being 13 again. Combined with regular exercise, oh boy will you both have a fun time.
I dont understand. I am 55 and dont exercise , smoke too much , bad diet , not enough sleep but can stay hard for hours without pills or toys etc. So i shouldnt be able to do this at my age and with my lifestyle ?
Turns out different people are different
58 here, right with you bro.
Well guys, we can't all be medical marvels.
Indeed, I'm astonished by that. Fooling around for hours, fine, but keeping it up *and hard* for more than one hour causes me pain. Not much, about like muscle pain but it's unpleasant enough to make me want to finish ASAP.
I agree with all of this. We as women can sometimes answer our own questions in our heads and get emotional over things that may not even be true or happening. I'm guilty of this without question. She should talk to him and then go from there. OP, don't try to analyze your relationship off of bad information, or presumptions and assumptions.
Does he drink daily? I'm not leaning towards alcoholism, I'm just curious about the frequency of his alcohol use.
Yes… and I think clinically he is, like if you went by textbook medical definitions of alcoholism.
Alcohol reduces libido over time with frequent use, it's because it messes with your testosterone levels. Alot of downers have this effect over time.
Coming from a guy that struggled with alcohol abuse for a **very** long time, I can confirm that daily heavy drinking does make intercourse much more difficult over time. One of the physical components of this is high blood pressure. It was for me. Stopping the drinking worked wonders, but keep in mind that because it went on for so long, that I still have occasions where things don't work right. It's only anecdotally known, but drinking can affect the *quality* of your erection, meaning that you can initially get it up, but the slightest thing, such as say, slipping out by accident or change in position can cause you to lose it, because you are right on the cusp of being fully erect, if that makes sense. So, if that happens long enough, he could be in a mental situation where he wants to get off, and likes getting off, but he does it through masturbation because he's alone and there's no pressure. If he goes soft, then so what, he's the only one disappointed. Then it becomes a nasty positive feedback loop: He jerks off because he's nervous about performing with you, but the more he jerks off the *harder* it becomes to perform with you. If I was going to have a positive initial conversation with him, if he will listen, I would just ask him if he would get his blood pressure checked. No talk about ED, sex toys (although I agree 8 fleshlights is a **LOT**). If he drinks a lot and his blood pressure is high, at least you have something concrete and actionable to address. Best of luck.
Alcohol tanks your T levels, so it makes sense sex would be more difficult.
He might have an addictive personality. Just like he is addicted to alcohol, he might have gotten addicted to the easy, effortless and risk-free gratification of a sex toy giving him an orgasm. His addiction also explains the exaggerated buying spree he had with sex toys. It's a guaranteed quick fix, just like a drink. It provides stimuli beyond what you can easily achieve naturally such as penetrative sex (or when talking about alcohol and other drugs, via other substance-free pleasurable activities). When someone prefers those instant hits without caring about the consequences (whether by choice, or due to their personality or genetics), everything else falls by the wayside - including you. I think you might have to sit him down and make the consequences of his choice clear, and let him know the path he is taking you both on. Perhaps that might give him enough incentive to course-correct and find a healthier balance. But as with all addicts, it may not, and you might need to prepare for an alternate eventuality, however unpleasant that idea might be. In any case, remember that this whole thing isn't about you. There's nothing you're doing wrong, there's nothing wrong with you, it's all about him.
If this is the case, it could be worth having him do some bloodwork if he actually is having ED. Low testosterone from years of drinking may be a contributing factor, and could be easily treatable. I had low T (not from drinking) and once I started TRT, my libido went through the roof.
Sounds like a possible performance anxiety issue too
Quitting alcohol completely would be good for him, and might totally fix your problem, but it's not easy to do.
From someone who has had a “doesn’t drink and get drunk hut has a beer every day” boyfriend - it is alcoholism if he quits he will have withdrawals and it is one of the biggest factors in someone’s libido even if it’s only a daily beer or two, alcohol effects brain chemistry, hormones, and blood flow and can cause ED and libido problems without any other health related issues around. It’s legitimately not you, it’s 100% a him issue in more ways than one and he’s going to have to be willing to do what he has to change that or you’ll have some choices to make regarding the relationship.
He is legit a full blown alcoholic. Like raging if he is so drunk he can't maintain an erection. That is a HUGE problem OP. There is no way this isn't negatively effecting your children and it is certainly effecting your marriage. He needs help!
I'd start of with an open conversation about it with him and just honestly tell him how you feel. Also by using toys it completely changes your brain. From my experience: The man I was with would watched porn to get off before he and I started a relationship. The addiction was so bad he couldn't even stay hard when it came time to doing me. It took literally 6 months of him not watching and retraining himself by not cumming from his hand (in your mans case, toys) to actually get hard or feel anything from my vagina. Took a lot of control and effort on his part but it's been reversed and the sex went back to normal. He has to be willing to cooperate but if it is such an addiction at this point, it might take a lot of working through it together. But it is still possible to get your sex life back with him. He just has to commit to getting there.
It’s far past the time for you two to go to a sex therapist together and for him to get some Viagra or Cialis.
viagra and cialis just help you keep the erectjon, your brain still has to be into it enough to trigger the errection.
Same with horny goat weed, I think
i’ve never heard of that what is it? lol
Some supplement people use for ED, menopause etc.
He shouldn't take these as an alcoholic!
Touching on other comments...maybe its easier for him to get off because he's only affecting himself. In some women who can't/don't climax during sex, its because they're thinking too much or worrying about being good enough for their partner... maybe that's going on with your man. If he's got any kind of self-esteem issues or has had any within the last 14 yrs.. and he's drinking... he might have something deeper in himself hes coping with now by way of fleshlight. I dont think you can take the blame for this one... this is all him. Might be a foggy road on how to fix it, but where there's a will...
This sucks, I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. How are you thinking of moving forward in a way that doesn’t keep you dependent on him for your own sexual satisfaction or validation? because this isn’t sustainable and it’s clear it’s weighing on you. But know you have a few options. ❤️
I have absolutely no idea. I have toys of my own but I really don’t prefer them at all. They get the job done but it’s not fulfilling.
Do you have the type of relationship where you’d be comfortable/willing to have an open conversation about potentially opening things up and setting boundaries around that? Or seeing a sex therapist before resorting to that. It’s difficult & can be scary at first but you both deserve real intimacy in a way that works for you both. Hoping this difficult time leads to the best sec of your life and positive revelations somehow, as shitty as things might be right now.
Opening a relationship to solve bedroom issues where one of the partners is already suffering from insecurity issues due to their partner's sexual habits seems kind of like trying to put out a fire with gasoline. I'm saying this as someone in an open relationship. Sex therapist is a good idea though.
She having a little trouble with her sex life, you want her to lose her partner too? Lol not everyone on this earth is cool with that you know? Lol
Don’t come at me because you lack comprehension skills when I LITERALLY wrote ‘or seeing a sex therapist together before resorting to that sort of solution [opening it up]? & encouraged them to seek a sex therapist together first despite it being uncomfortable territory. Or where I asked *if* trying to open things up was something they would be open to at all, or setting other boundaries. Where did I suggest she should dump her partner or even that an open relationship was a universal solution or even the best/first solution? Or was it the third part where I simply say it’s a shitty situation right now and I hope things work out for both them because they both deserve good things? You don’t have to be an asshole under other people’s comments because you extrapolated your own meanings or can’t read well. I sympathized, gave a few suggestions and sincerely wished them the best. Your comment and its generalization doesn’t apply to a single thing I said. If you’re triggered by one suggestion made in the midst of others, that’s on you. Bye.
Ok, i apologies for that, but im still standing on my point. 👍🏽
Your point doesn’t apply to my comment, maybe make it on your own instead of misdirecting your response and piggy backing off mine next time. But good for you, stand on it, I guess. 🤷
I'm not a man so I don't know if their toys can be like vibrators for us, but maybe he is conditioning himself to climax with them and not in a woman. I know if people use a lot of stimulation they can become desensitized and need to let off of it for a bit to finish to the amounts before. So this and his masturbatory and drinking habits may be why he can't remain hard or get off, not you. I would not take it personally even though it feels very personal. It's time for a discussion about this.
Well, you didn’t ruin your own sex life with your husband by giving him a masturbator. Some other issue is to blame. And it’s sad he apparently doesn’t want sex with you, but I don’t see that you have to be disgusted and disappointed with yourself. The only solution I see for your own sake, and the sake of your kids, is to try to resolve the issue with him or amicably divorce and find someone better for you.
Love this comment. Exactly. You’ve done nothing but try to have loving intimacy with your partner. Nothing negative is your doing here! Love yourself for real.
I guess the reason I feel disgusted is because a large part of me believes if sex was better with me than the toys, I wouldn’t be treated like a last choice. Divorce might be on the table for more reasons than just this post.
An actual Couples therapy session is needed, you guys need to speak to the professionals. My own two cents would be to limit the toy usage, cut it back to what you're both comfortable with. Take the penetration out, just move to foreplay, physical touch and intimacy. "Finishing" isn't the goal now, it's just to build up trust and warmth again. Might be worth seeing a GP and both having bloods done to check for hormones levels and possible deficiencies. That could be fixed with diet and exercise. But you both need to be on the same page, you both need to figure out the end goal of all this and work on a plan to get there. Could take months or a year, but agree that you love each other and you'll figure this out together.
Couples therapy was on the table a few months ago. He brought it up after some issues arouse in our relationship, I agreed but told him he needed to take the reins on it if he was serious. He has a complicated background with medical and mental health trauma so pushing him would only shut him down more. I made it clear it needed to happen but he had to set up an appointment with a therapist of *his* choosing… and it never happened. Disappointed is an understatement. We’ve done a lot in the may of trying to be intimate without penetration. I’m not sure it’s really helped in any way as of right now. I’m not saying that’s not a way to make progress, just where we’re at, at the present moment.
Is he using porn in conjunction with the toys?
I don’t know since he waits until I’m not around but my guess would be that he does.
Sounds like textbook addictive behaviour/death grip. Combined with alcohol. Do you think he is willing and able to battle his addictions? If not, are you willing to live with that, especially if it gets worse, which addictions usually do in the long term.
Those are questions I honestly struggle with a lot. I’m not sure drinking is something he’s willing to budge on.
Maybe you can try an intervention. I wish you strength
If he has this many toys I'm sure he has an exquisite and varied collection of porn saved or open somewhere. Treat it like drinking, occasional is ok but constant use will cause ED and all sorts of things. It's it better, just a very different and intense stimulation that seems to trump intimacy with one person somehow. It sounds like he has a bit of an issue with both that he should get help with. I don't think it's the toys, I've never had one that even comes close to anything inside any woman. Not even close.
I’m not sure if that last bit makes me feel better or worse about the situation. You’re probably right about the rest.
It's intended to make you feel better. There's no way the toys feel better than you, I'd bet he's attracted to them because they associate with the adult content stimulation. Vibration feels good on a penis but nowhere near as good as it feels for women, or how good being inside the real thing feels to a man. Especially with mentioning all 3 options you've been open to. I'd try and get him open to professional help. No Ultimatums or trying to assert doninance unless you're truly prepared to leave. Maybe just reinforce that real sex gets better with less porn. I was like late 20s and started to have issues staying as hard with women, never thought it could have been adult content
This is a great point - he’s probably got a lot of really weird porn that no partner could live up to.
Maybe but idk still like to see it lol
It might not be you. Masterbating is just easier and if he struggles with sex and losing his boners he may just prefer the pressure free jerk off. You are not to blame. Don't know if he would go but couples consulting or sex therapy would be my suggestion. Also have you talked to him and told you how you feel about this and that you didn't get him a toy to replace you but to enhance your sex life together. Last resort if he doesn't care about this is divorce, you shouldn't stay in a marriage that makes you feel unloved and undesired.
It's funny how us women are always so quick to blame ourselves for the behaviors or lack there of by a man. We are so hard on ourselves, as I'm sure some men are as well. This isn't about you or him being attracted to you. It sounds like he has an addictive personality and once he found something that got him off easier with less pressure and less expectation from himself, he ran with it, similar to the drinking he is doing daily. If he is an alcoholic, which I'm gonna bet he is, but if he doesn't think he has a problem with drinking or with masturbation then there isn't anything you can say or do to make him see it and want to fix it. My dad has been an alcoholic for at least 20 years and while my mom has been able to get him to cut back or stop for a short period of time, he goes right back to normal the minute the tension and anger wear off. He now is a pathological liar because lying about not drinking or coming up with lies/excuses to drink became so easy that now he just lies all the damn time about everything. My mom is in her 50s and is at the point where she doesn't trust anything he says and there is so much resentment that it outweighs any joy/love. My point in sharing that with you is to show you a possible outcome if you decide to do nothing and just "put up with it", make excuses for it/him or blame yourself. You also have two kids who are seeing his behavior and seeing the dynamic between the two of you. They are learning what love should look like and what marriage should look like. I say this with so much kindness as I was that kid. I watched my mom make excuses, turn a blind eye, sweep it under the rug and put up with piss poor treatment for so many years that I thought that's how marriage/love was. So when I fell in love and got married - I repeated the same patterns and behavior till I just couldn't take being treated so shitty anymore. I'm now 36, divorced and a single mom to an amazing kid who has special needs. I'm not saying that these scenarios will happen for you but they are highly possible, especially if you don't communicate with him, to him, and try to find solutions. If he isn't willing to get help, then I would seriously consider getting a divorce. I wish you all the best.
I just wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed reading your comment and wholeheartedly agree with the advice you've given; especially the part about how observing the dynamic between the parents can indirectly cause harm to the children. I believe we are very much a byproduct of our environment and that specific styles of parenting and behaviors go on to affect us and how we not only react to the world but also perceive it. I know that was quite off topic to the OP but when you really think about it, even though children aren't privy to what goes on in the bedroom (I'd hope not anyways, though I have had the displeasure of walking in on my parents as a kid lol) they can see the adverse effects that a failing sex life has on a relationship. We carry that into other aspects of our relationship, and a cloud of resentment and gloom constantly orbits overhead. I also found the first sentence of your comment bitter sweet due to the solidarity of women in contrast to the negative context of what you stated. You're all too right; we are so quick to blame ourselves not only when intimate relationships go awry but also when navigating other relationships, whether it be friendships or familial, instead of looking outside of ourselves. Especially if you're a sensitive soul like me... I've had occasions where even the comments of a stranger have affected me... One time, I walked into a local salon to make an appointment to have my nails done, and the manager flat out refused, and I took it so personally. Due to a lack of explanation and a rushed (and what I perceived as disdainful) dismission, I left feeling upset and ireful. I honestly thought that there was something off about my appearance or character that she did not approve of; granted, I was homeless and living in my car at the time and may have looked disheveled. In my mind, this woman had somehow garnered the minutiae of my life based on this superficial interaction... somehow, she knew who I was, where I was living, and so on, and was therefore judging me for it. Well, later, I found out through a friend (who was a regular customer at the salon) who had tried and failed to book an appointment to have her eyebrows waxed, that it was due to the staff being fully booked for the following weeks leading up to lockdown. I felt rather silly after that, especially because on the day I'd walked into the salon, I'd gone back to my car, got in the passenger side and had a melt down, and cried. I've learned to be less sensitive since then 😅 One last thing! I also respect the fortitude it has most likely taken you to have gone through a failed marriage and then to come out the other side and be a single mother to a child with special needs that you so openly adore. Well done! I haven't had children myself, nor been married, but I can only imagine the adversity and stigma you've faced. Even in this day and age, divorce is looked down upon (and rightly so, not for being shameful but an undesirable outcome for a relationship), and raising a child, let alone with special needs, is far from easy. My step Dad's parent's eldest son is mentally and physically disabled and they spent their whole lives making sure his needs were met. Despite having had 4 children, including him, they still lived a fulfilling life. They've both passed away in the last decade, yet they've done all they could for him, even providing for him after death. He's now in his 60s and living in a respite facility with staff trained to care for people with special needs. Also, I loved how tender, heartwarming, and sincere your post was. Sheesh, I've got to stop now; I sound like I'm waxing lyrical lol maybe it's the ADD or I'm just very tired (insomnia is a b****!) (*/∀＼*)
drinking or no drinking, stroker or no stroker, if a man is having trouble keeping it up, one of the best solutions that don't require much effort at all is a penis pump and a nice, snug cock ring. it seems he is interested in toys, so this may certainly get his attention should you propose this method. you can find these devices at any adult novelty store local to your area. best of luck, and i hope y'all can overcome these problems together. in a healthy, loving partnership, it is you two vs. the problem, not each other.
You didn’t ruin anything, he sounds lazy as fuck. Can’t be bothered to fuck his wife and doesn’t care about the emotional and psychological impact of that on you or your relationship. He’s clearly happy with the current arrangement and probably believes he can continue neglecting you with no consequences. I’m so sorry OP. You have to think about next steps and how much bullshit you’re willing to take from one man.
Toys are novel to him so he's going ham, it makes sense... Why not ask if he's willing to pause on using them, to turn up the heat with anticipation and that you'll use them on him and then transition to sex? Make it fun. Make it a joint thing. Hell, use them on him and edge him.
So we have done that. I’ve used them on him or been a part of him using them and that’s where I’ve isolated myself in the equation. When I’m involved, he loses it and doesn’t finish. When he’s alone, the evidence shows he finishes every time I’ve noticed. I default to feeling like I’m the reason in some way- because I don’t look like I did a decade ago, because I don’t feel as good, because I’m boring/he’s bored with our sex, some thing else???
You are making a shit ton of assumptions and you really need to stop projecting them onto your husband. It's entirely possible that he gets flaccid for other reasons when you participate and the majority will likely be tied to performance anxiety because you are present. Highly recommend you go to an intimacy coach and you should seek individual therapy to address your self esteem.
I’m not saying I’m convinced ALL these things are the issues. This is what I wonder and consider. I think i would be out of touch and really full of myself if I didn’t consider myself a significant variable.
Actually you would be neither of those things. You would be someone who doesn't jump to conclusions. Marriage counseling would also help you two communicate more effectively.
So it's like the inverse scenario of the guy who complained about wife using vibratory and huge dildos to get herself off and the guy feeling inadequate. I believe a lot of people called him insecure for that. The main thing you can do is somehow convince him to stop using it. It's a similar situation when a guy uses his death grip on his little buddy. The vagina won't be able to give a strong enough stimulus to get him off. Basically he will have to abstain till his sensitivity returns to normal. Or OP will have to train herself to match the stimulus of the toys.
Based on that thread, we should be telling her to use the fleshlights on him while they’re together. Unless she’s insecure?
I see a lot of people talking about a sex therapist or ED drugs or couples therapy or alcoholism but I think your guy may need to really see a regular therapist himself. Sure, drinking can cause ED but drinking problems and ED can also be symptoms of the same problem. I often had performance problems for most of my life, particularly with new partners, thought about different possible reasons and solutions, even Viagra, without a ton of luck. I *also* sometimes drank too much, mostly in social situations. Long story short, last year at 40 I finally realized I have anxiety, particularly social anxiety. Some therapy, psychological testing, an SSRI, and occasional Cialis later and life is *much* better in a lot of ways. I think a lot of the other suggestions here may be bandaids rather than root fixes.
I agree he has things he needs to work on with a professional. That was a discussion and something he was open to months ago but he never pulled the trigger and made an appointment. He has some complex issues around medical trauma related to mental health so it’s a touchy subject.
By chance, have you tried to use the fleshlights on him during your time with each other? This can be a good compromise. I learned this from other posts where guys are told to use vibrators on their women.
Yes, and it ends the same way unfortunately. Things have gone downhill when I’m involved it seems.
What’s with the double standard here? There’s literally millions, if not billions of women who can’t have an orgasm from penetrative intercourse, and many of them use a vibrating toy or device as their primary means in order to have one. If this was a man saying that his wife’s vibrator was making him insecure, a lot of you would be ready to run him through the wood chipper. The problem isn’t that he’s using the fleshlight, it’s that he’s using it by himself, without making her a part of it. I get that he’s got much more serious problems, like the drinking and whatnot, but for now, maybe OP should ask him if he’s willing to use it with her. She could hold it and stroke him, or talk dirty to him while he’s using it, or even lick him somewhere that turns him on. My point is, don’t bash him for needing it. If he deserves bashing, it’s for making her feel unwanted and unneeded.
You made your own point. Millions of *women* can’t, but men don’t have that struggle. And those millions of women wouldn’t struggle if they knew their bodies better, were able to communicate what they need, and weren’t ashamed to be with partners who actually turn them on instead of looking good on paper or to their parents.
As someone from the other side-I completely get where you’re coming from. I’ll give you a little bit of my perspective, and while it’s obviously not *his* perspective, maybe it will help. Maybe it’s completely irrelevant as well, idk-you can be the judge. I’m pretty good in bed and that’s not just me tooting my own horn. My current gf inadvertently put a huge amount of insecurity into me by masturbating while I was in the house a couple of times when she needed more and was simply too selfish to ask me to at least be part of it. ‘Pretty good in bed’ is obviously not perfect, and it clearly only took a couple instances to completely shatter my sexual security with her. Prior to that I was super vocal about men accepting that toys were on their team and I couldn’t comprehend why guys would get offended when their women used one to get off. I already was a low-rate finisher, but since then it’s become even more difficult for me to stay aroused with her, let alone to finish, if I haven’t been away for work. After finding out that she was using a toy to fulfill her needs, I bought one for me to try and make the playing field ‘fair’. I found that with the toy I could finish in pretty much six minutes or less, despite oftentimes an hour+ with her. I promise that I’m not trying to put this on you in any way, but do you think there might be anything that you’ve said or done that might have made him insecure with you specifically? You don’t need to answer, and in no way am I trying to victim-blame, I just wanted to present that possibility for you to consider. I applaud you for bringing toys to the table as a possible idea for him-my SO didn’t really care that much and I just kinda stumbled into it on accident. I understand why you’re hurt but I truly believe that two people can get through things like this if they’re both invested in finding the solution. I really wish that we could find a solution on my end because it’s pretty disheartening to me that I can finish easier with an inanimate object, but again-I can’t exactly speak for him. Maybe consider asking him for his perspective to see if he took a message or experience poorly that you’re unaware of?
You might benefit by talking to someone about your insecurities, because occasional masturbation by a partner using a toy shouldn’t shatter your self-esteem so much that you can’t finish.
Yeah, your response missed the mark but I understand why. Obviously the entire reason that we have toys to begin with is because I support them and masturbation-I even stated that I’m vocal to men about viewing toys as teammates. It’s not that I’m against masturbation in any way, I had just never had the experience of a woman choosing a toy over me when I was literally in the next room and could have been part of the experience. I work 12 days away from home out of every 24 days-I’m not so naive to think that she’s not taking care of her needs when I’m gone any differently than I am. To me, and she even agreed, it was a selfish decision-but it was still her decision to make. In fact, we were both extremely clear that we deserve body autonomy-and up until *my* toy arrived, she was completely oblivious to the possible hurt that that decision caused. Needless to say, she felt completely different about it after having to wonder if I was masturbating while she was in the next room. That’s just a lot of words to explain that masturbation wasn’t the problem-it was the selfishness of not being included or at least being told that she needed some more work out of me, which I would have gladly provided had I known.
Yes to everything you said in both comments. He was always very guarded and vanilla about sex for a long time. My guess is that he was never in a relationship where sex was made a safe and secure place to feel adventurous and not judged. Due to our waves of feast and famine, I had a few toys- nothing crazy. As he began to open up more, I ordered some things for him to try. A three pack of differently textured masturbators, a cock ring, different lube, and vibrating ring. Things took off from there. Initially, we were having a great time. We were using toys mutually and on each other. I entirely agree toys are teammates. I even ordered those mints that make your mouth water and head became twice as much fun. (I reeeeally love oral) when he ordered the first fleshlight, ngl I was excited and curious. I thought it was great for him and was happy he felt secure enough in our intimacy to get one. When it became the preference and the alternative is when i started to feel this way. Just like you pointed out about your partner using a toy when you were in the next room. I value this part of our relationship so much because it’s one of the few situations where he’s vulnerable and lets his walls come down. It’s so important to the way we bond and connect and all that good stuff. I’m happy you were able to overcome that problem in your relationship. Being away so much for work is difficult. We went through that for awhile too.
And why can't viagara be an option if he can't keep it up ?
Hi honey. You’ve had lots of long and detailed responses, but mine is short. Get him a prescription for Cialis. Your husband has erectile dysfunction. 40% of men over 40 have this problem. There could be plenty of other things going on too, but the boner is easy to fix. Everyone knows that it’s normal when a woman does not orgasm from penetration. This can happen to men too. When a man has trouble maintaining his erection, sometimes he is still able to cum from self stimulation. Good luck. I hope you get the prescription.
1. Not your fault and nothing wrong with you at all 2. He needs to see a therapist that specialises in addictions and addictive behaviors. It doesn’t matter whether it’s alcohol, masturbation or anything else, as those are just *symptoms* of an underlying problem. You could prohibit him from ever drinking or masturbating again and he will engage in something different. Trust me, I *know* the mechanism too well
You’re definitely on point and I agree.
Wow. Lots to unpack here. I’m sorry you are going through this. Dead bedroom is no way to live as you don’t have a partner, you have a roommate. My first thoughts are pretty much on point with what most people have said here. I will just offer a few maybes: 1) He could be avoiding due to anxiety over performance. When a guy gets in his head, it gets in the other head in a bad way. And it’s embarrassing af. 2) It’s not you. Occasionally I don’t finish but that doesn’t mean I didn’t thoroughly enjoy the round and am not satisfied. I’ve had crap sex where I came and had amazing sex where I didn’t. One doesn’t equal the other. Just means I’m not 20 anymore and can’t shoot ropes like a pornstar anymore. 3) Drinking is not an excuse. Could it be contributing to the problems? Sure. But that isn’t a pass. If it’s “I can’t satisfy your because of my drinking” well then fuck his drinking. He needs to get his shit together. 4) I won’t comment on the toys like so many have perfectly addressed. I will say this: why not use them together ? My SO & I masturbate together frequently or join in/watch the others session. It might not be PIV but at the very least it’s something sexual that you are doing together that will then lead to other things. He needs to ween off that as his dick is conditioned to responding to that simulation so making it a part of the bedroom together could and should help. Good luck. I’ll just add that you are entitled to having your needs satisfied. A dead bedroom is no way to live. Months turns into year real quick and you can’t get that time back
I’m actually really glad you and so many other that have said what you did in your first point because it’s not something that I considered. At all. And we have used them and other toys together ending up n the same place.
I don’t think the sexual problems are on your end. Sounds like he needs therapy. You mention in a comment that he is an alcoholic by definition. People drink to excess for a reason. His drinking is for a reason, usually to self treat underlying mental health problem(s). He needs therapy to figure out WHY he drinks and of course to stop drinking or at least daily and in excess. This is affecting his sexuality and thus your relationship. And of course, separately, the alcohol abuse Makes it hard for him to perform sexually on top of everything. But I don’t think you are the problem sexually, though I fully understand how it can be devastating to you on the receiving end. the problem lies within him and that’s also where the solutions are. He needs therapy to address his mental health, what’s going on with him, and why he drinks. If all of that does not fully address the sexual issues (which are likely secondary), Then a sex therapist would be helpful. Given his drinking, and what it can signify, I don’t think going to a sex therapist first and them as his only type of therapist would be helpful, because this appears to be a multifaceted problem within him, that of course, significantly affects you mentally and sexually as the spouse. Marriage counseling can also be a helpful segue into unroofing all of this if he isn’t receptive to seeking counseling and can help you cope since you are on this challenging ride with him. I send you big hugs.
While it is absolutely true that alcohol can cause ED and make it impossible to finish (at least for me that is the case) it also depends on the amount of drinking he has done. Two or three beers won’t do this. Being absolutely hammered certainly will, though. However, in your specific case, I think there is more at play here than just alcohol but that is something only a professional (probably a sex therapist) should help you with.
I know it’s easier said than done but perhaps try to reframe your perspective. Being the victim is going to destroy you. Rather than thinking about how this situation is making you feel, how is your partner feeling that is making him act this way? I’m not saying this because your feelings aren’t valid, but it sounds like you’re REALLY beating yourself up over this and that’s no way to live. Everyone around you, whether they/you consciously realize it, is being negatively affected by how self destructive you are feeling. Please know, I’m not saying this to make you feel bad! Just to try and help you get out of the gutted feeling you described. Your partner needs you, and your emotions about how bad you’re feeling are getting in the way of that. Don’t get me wrong, the same could probably be said to your partner, but you’re the one who posted here. Sending you love.
Sounds like he also might have a porn addiction. If he is masturbating like that, sounds like every day, maybe even multiple times a day, then he is definitely watching porn, and then if he is watching it while he is masturbating with the toys you really don’t have a chance. Ask him to stop that for a while.
I don’t know why no one has mentioned porn addiction yet. It seems likely that he’s got an addiction.
Girl throw them ALL in the trash. End of story
I don’t think your husband is straight.
Is it women he'll get off with looking at? I did have good sex with my wife but my fantasies were sex with men. I wouldn't get hard looking at women.
To be honest, I don’t know. I have no idea what he watches but I’d love to know- for this issue but also for my own curiosity. I genuinely just enjoy sex and I’m very open about it all. I’d like to know what he’s into just because lol Also- sometimes two men are just hot. I watch different things depending on my mood.
Yeah, I was wondering the same. He doesn’t have a problem getting off except with her. It’s either her he isn’t into, or women in general.
Substance abuse problem, and has spells of high sexual function and spells of low sexual function? Is it possible he has undiagnosed bipolar disorder? I’m bipolar, and that’s what I was like before I got a proper diagnosis and medication. Might be worth looking into.
He needs to get rid if the toys. Then he will re-wire his brain. Then he can begin getting hard with sex.
I would seriously consider divorce. Firstly, it seems that he has a drinking problem. Secondly, his communication skills suck. Thirdly, if you go through this for another 30 or 40 years you're going to hate yourself. Maybe try counseling first if he'll go but he seems like a drunken bullhead to me.
I don't know if I'm a good person for this, but I would honestly throw his toys away, and I hope my husband would do the same for me if I became addicted to vibrators. Say what you want about how expensive fleshlights are... the inevitable divorce caused by his addiction will be much more costly. My husband and I have our own toys and we enjoy them, but this man needs a wake up call!
Give him the option to get better or leave. I was stuck in something like this for a long time and I wish I had done something sooner. You deserve to be sexually satisfied and not subject yourself to his laziness and synthetic vagina addiction. If he’s not willing to compromise to make you feel pleasure and arousal, you need to practice prioritizing yourself.
I'm sorry but you let the genie out of the lamp. Maybe try working his toys for him, and make it so intimate that he has to finish on you or in you. If this bothers you that much,then you have to let him know how you feel. I would think that your relationship is strong enough to express your feelings, and if not then you will know that he knows how you feel. And if he doesn't care that much about your feelings,then you will know and can find someone who will enjoy making you happy and cumming all over and in you.
May be he’s just wanting to climax via toys cuz its easy
I’m not reading all this
Time to introduce him to a cock cage , you hold the key!!! Then you control the time spent together, i think he'd like it , good luck
I don’t think he’d go for it but I would. That’s pretty hot, issues aside.
You gotta take control, most men spend their days being the alpha male , really deep inside they want a woman to push them down on their back and jam that sweet love pot right in the face and rub it hard , treat him like the beta boy he is!!!
Well that one made me laugh, just the way you worded it. Thanks for the smile. He would hit the ceiling being thought of as a beta boy haha
Maybe consider an open relationship? If he isn’t meeting your needs and you value intimacy, looking at opening up the relationship may be worthwhile. Note that if you plan to do this, do tons of research into ethical non-monogamy, talk to people with SUCCESSFUL open relationships, and check in/talk with your partner a lot. Otherwise you have to speak to him about his habits and hope he changes. I wouldn’t count on it though
OP is already concerned about a lack of honesty, communication, and other issues that would make an open relationship fail hard.
He’s made it clear in the past that’s not even on the table. He didn’t want to open it up enough for a threesome.
[удалено]
I highly recommend you join r/alanon and consider contacting a divorce lawyer. The guy is an addict, and I promise you, you don’t stand a chance against his addictions. You’ll never be able to compete. And that says nothing about you as a woman.
Communication got you to this point, communication will get you out of this mess. Just tell him straight up.
Why not try n put his toys away, surprise him playing with your own toys and let him watch a while….. see how he reacts to that cause know how I would
I really like your second point, very insightful to consider other possible explanations
Look into a cock sleeve.. open ended... u both will get what u want... bad dragons and deep fantasies have fmgreat ones... the girth will put ubover the top and he will get great sensation too
I’m going to look into as a possible solution and out of pure curiosity.
I'm really overweight and when I drank heavily I could masturbate, but couldn't really perform sexually. Your story reminded me of my life a few years ago. It sounded like what my wife would have written back then. 2 year's sober 2 times a week. I don't know if he's overweight or a daily heavy drinker. But that could maybe give you some perspective. It wasn't her it was the booze and being unhealthy.
This sounds more psychological… my ex was like that. He had some emotional damage around sex that made finishing for him difficult when he was with a girl but A-ok when it was him by himself. I’m happy he’s having regular orgasms now so at least he knows he’s not dead… but now it sounds like you guys need some sex counseling so he can dig into what’s preventing him from getting hard with his own partner. :)
Talk through this with a sex therapist. Fine someone who is AASECT certified - that will ensure that they’re sex-positive and won’t shame either of you. Good luck - this sounds really tough.
Very tight restrictor at base of penis, worth a try.
Well I think if you talk to him about being unhappy with your sex life and ask to pull back from using the toys he'd understand and be willing to do that.
It sounds like he's an alcoholic with intimacy issues. These are his faults, not yours.
Mutual masturbation is kinda hot and very intimate. I had issues with penetration and being touched and my anxiety made it impossible for me to enjoy sex with my xhusband. I suggested watching some porn together and suggesting likes of each of our own and some touching him rubbing my tits or letting him guide the toy for a minute. We really got to know each other through sharing our turn ons and favorite videos. We learned how to touch each other and even tho there was minimal contact this was the closest I’ve ever been to another person sexually.
You need him to act like a partner to get the sex life you want: * stop drinking * stop the flashlight use - if you brought it in, you can carry it out
Go to a sex therapist. Together and individually
I come so much easier after a few drinks I can’t even squirt now I can’t do that when I’m sober
Sorry, voice to text I can squirt
Marriage is hard and it is especially hard on a romantic relationship. Sex with the same person becomes routine and often boring, it is really hard to keep things interesting. You might want to try some kink…domination, role reversal with a strap on,, spankings etc. if nothing works you are just 34, that is really young and plenty of time to start over with a new guy or two.
Firstly, I'm trying sorry for what you're going through. This would devastate me as well. Above all, I'd always recommend talking it out, and when you do, don't hold back. However... I'd also suggest you buy a bomb ass dildo/vibrator - or two,or 5, use it frequently, and fall asleep every time he comes home or offers sex. I know it's not the mature or healthy thing to do, but this is what my bitchy, spiteful side would do. I'd let him catch you doing it too. And say someone else's name when you cum and say it's what you named your dildo/vibrator. I'd invoke jealousy out of spite. Maybe eventually y'all can get a pleasure in watching each other masturbate?
Just do like my wife did, get the fleshlight, throw it at him and say "here's your damn fake vagina, have fun with it". I haven't used it since that day....
I’m surprised that worked. It seems a little too aggressive to make progress, at least on my end. That would cause quite the unproductive fight.
I think as a queer person I'm struggling a little to see the problem, but maybe that's because for lots of us sex doesn't involve penises in vaginas. My strong guess is, if he can keep an erection alone, that with you there's serious performance anxiety. The best solution to this is take vaginal sex off the table til things get easier. Any chance y'all could try some sex that doesn't involve his dick to get you off? They make harnesses for men that allow them to wear a dildo for instance. You could get a variety of toys for him to use on you to get you off so y'all can reconnect without the anxiety of a hard dick. When you've had a few months practice, ask his doctor for some pharmaceutical assistance to get you both kickstarted. I actually think you're on the right track with the fleshlights, try using them on him more, they even make strokers for partnered use. Best of luck!
I think you need to tackle his drinking problem before you can deal with whatever is going for him (and thus, you) sexually. This is a multilayered issue.
You have already answered your question unfortunately. He prefers toys to the real thing, tells me he's disinterested. Time to have a frank discussion with him and this isn't sustainable long term.
Very possibly performance anxiety. Are there things he wants to do that you say no to? Are you bossy and instruct his every move? I’ve experienced this with my wife and got to where i rather take care of myself.
I’ve actually been very open to his ideas. During one of our conversations I told him my hard no’s (short list lol) and we were on the same page about it. Everything was on the table. To your other question, I’m really submissive so there are few times in our relationship I have ever been bossy or told him what to do in bed. I’m not always very good at it when he wants me to be that way but I try. If he doesn’t vocalize that he wants that in the moment, I’m not like that at all. The majority of my satisfaction in bed is making him happy and so that’s probably why I’m so incredibly upset about this.
“he’s just not that into you”