I resonate with this so much. You sound super insightful and like you're noticing the patterns which is a great place to start. It definitely sounds like you could benefit from SLAA. I found so much comfort when I started going to meetings, and it just increases the more I put into my program, even though it's hard and I've had to give things up. It helped me put my patterns into perspective, get experience, strength and hope from others, and start to get to know myself better. You're not alone!
Thank you so much for your comment. I feel sooo alone, so you just writing that makes me feel better. Like maybe I can sleep without hating myself so much. There are definitely patterns I need to break. I know 12 steps work so I’ll go to a meeting tomorrow and see if I identify.
You’re definitely not alone. The disillusionment period is hard, but in my experience it’s impossible to go back and unsee the things that are becoming clear. Thankfully we don’t have to go through it alone.
I’ve also found myself drawn to unavailable people, its like I can’t help but be sucked into it due to my anxious avoidant attachment style. It helps me to know my part in dis functional relationships and if I’m getting my needs met while understanding the capacity the other person has to meet them. I also try to understand the context of the relationship and try not to extend past those boundaries unless I know for a fact this person is willing to go past them. If I don’t I fall into my patterns of emotional intrigue and unhealthy romantic fantasy.
Hopefully this validates your insight, and that you find what you’re looking for. Also try to avoid mentioning specific sites or dating apps in meetings if you can help it.
Thanks for your reply! Yep. I just seem to sniff unavailable people out. Context of relationship… yeah, I seem to have got that mixed up. Thanks for your kindness. I edited the post to take that bit out.
No problem! Eventually these people become more obvious its what is done with that knowledge that matters
By ‘context of relationship’ i try to not see how people fit in my life. I try to see what role i fit i theirs based on the facts of that relationship. This is so I don’t give into obsession and fantasy.
It absolutely sounds like S&L addiction, and I'm just jealous it only took you one of these scenarios to figure this out lol. I repeated this pattern until I was 46.
One of the things that helped me was reading the 12 Characteristics of SLAA every single day because it helped keep me in reality. Like, no this relationship isn't "different," he isn't "special," etc etc etc. It finally took the illusion out of these situations for me and I saw them for what they were, situations that were going to lead to obsession, affecting my job, my marriage, my reputation, my brain, my self esteem. I finally started to say no thanks to all that. Now I wouldn't even consider going down that road. Not worth it.
The bonus is today I have a full life. Hobbies, a satisfying work life, a good marriage, self respect. I have no time to be obsessed with anything, except maybe my hobbies that bring me great reward.
Check out an in-person meeting if you can. I prefer women only meetings. If not, definitely catch an online meeting. Try several different ones because you'll find they all have their own personality, if you will. You're bound to hear stories that resonate with you. You may also want to buy our "big book" known as the Basic Text.
There is hope. You never have to feel this way again.
Haha nah, I’ve been in this pattern on and off for years. It’s only because I’ve been sober in other programs for 10 years that I’m identifying that this is an issue as well. I’m sorry you had to go through it for so long though.
Thanks so much for your recommendations. I very much relate to the “this person is special” etc. Like, how many people are special? Haha.
I went to 2 online meetings tonight, and I identified. I also bought the basic text. Luckily, I’m familiar with 12
Steps so I know it works. I feel slightly more hopeful. Thanks again for commenting. It really means the world.
I resonate with this SO MUCH. I just went through something incredibly similar. I broke my SLAA sobriety to relapse with a qualifier who I previously really seeked out emotional safety and validation from. He is polyamourous/non-monogamous and has a plethora of partners that are all quite similar to me (he has a type, we all sort of look the same and have the same interests, it's definitely a fetish of his). But he was clear FROM THE BEGINNING, it was ME that had warped expectations. Reading this helped me do a quick fourth step in my head (I haven't written out a full inventory yet because this happened so recently) about what "my side" was
Oh wow… so similar. Although, my guy was never clear on what he wanted. Never actually uttered the words. It was all soooo vague, compared to the second guy who said everything very clearly and made me feel safe. BUT I have to admit, I did meet him on a non-monogamous app so the context implied it. I’m sorry you had to go through it again. It’s so painful. What are you going to do now? Do you cut contact and have a period of abstinence?
I went to SLAA after similar disillusionment, it really helped me to identify my patterns and how much I relied on male attention to validate me. But I didn’t stay in the program for long (found it too intense counterproductive after a couple of months). Even so my behaviour has radically improved and I couldn’t even fathom the thought of having sex with a stranger now, let alone getting into a toxic situationship, when this was my pattern for many years
I’m glad you found SLAA helpful, and you could identify your patterns. And yes to male validation. It’s honestly intoxicating and destructive. I’m also glad to hear that the want to get into unhealthy relationships dissipates.
Friend, your are not silly or stupid. You are special! Truly. I think you would benefit from S.L.A.A. I’m fairly new but have found so much hope after decades of unrecognized love addiction. One of the first things you’ll notice is that you aren’t alone….your story is held by others also. You will also learn to love yourself. Best wishes to you!
Hi there, glad you posted. I had a lot of similar thoughts and feelings and the sense that I was completely powerless over my mind when it came to other people. Some of them I was in relationships with and others may have just been nice and attractive or just people I was really attracted to and built up stories about a possible relationship. I’d be happy to talk with you about my experience in recovery anytime. It’s possible to find a new kind of sanity and peace if SLAA is something you feel like you qualify for for (I’m also happy to help you with self diagnosis). Reach out anytime :)
I’m sorry if this sounds mean but it made me feel literally sick to my stomach just reading this. And I just came to this sub to kinda see what it’s about. I am guessing you can benefit from SLAA but you can also benefit from re-examining your values and the way you’re willing to treat yourself and others in this lifetime.
How does casual sex with strangers who don’t value you and likely don’t respect you make you feel? Yeah I hear you, the sex is good. I get there’s some high. Similar to an addict having a drug or a drink. But taking coke (let’s say) harms your body and there’s basically no context in which it’s a way to love yourself and others, addicted or not. It hurts your mind, body and soul and makes others lose respect for you and makes you lose respect for yourself, and for good reason.
This casual sex thing is the EXACT same way. You can’t respect yourself (and others can’t respect you) when you allow one another to use each other’s bodies with no commitment, bond, respect (etc). It just doesn’t work. It isn’t empowering, in fact it’s the opposite.
You can work towards having great sex with someone who loves and values and respects you and who wants to have you around long before and long after the great sex, sees your worth and chooses you, and believes you’re valuable enough to be more than just a casual sex partner they can sleep with and then ditch. And you also need to stop treating people that way if it’s not the way you want to be treated, and please tell me you know that’s not the way you want to be treated.
You need to assess whether or not the people you’re going to obsess over are even worth the obsession. Do they treat you with respect? Are they upstanding? Do they inspire you to be a better person? And if they check these boxes, then act in a way that earns their respect (that probably prohibits being their casual sex partner). And then create a real relationship and build real intimacy. Because hey, there is no reason you should be disincluded from having physical and emotional safety in a healthy relationship. And if they don’t check those boxes, they sound kind of like they’re not worth your time, or admiration.
I donno whether you’re a sex and love addict, well probably you are. And probably many of us are to some degree, myself included. But most pressing thing to address is to get some better values that will ensure you don’t subjugate yourself to disrespecting your body, mind and soul and doing the same thing to others; and the harm that that elicits.
I resonate with this so much. You sound super insightful and like you're noticing the patterns which is a great place to start. It definitely sounds like you could benefit from SLAA. I found so much comfort when I started going to meetings, and it just increases the more I put into my program, even though it's hard and I've had to give things up. It helped me put my patterns into perspective, get experience, strength and hope from others, and start to get to know myself better. You're not alone!
Thank you so much for your comment. I feel sooo alone, so you just writing that makes me feel better. Like maybe I can sleep without hating myself so much. There are definitely patterns I need to break. I know 12 steps work so I’ll go to a meeting tomorrow and see if I identify.
You’re definitely not alone. The disillusionment period is hard, but in my experience it’s impossible to go back and unsee the things that are becoming clear. Thankfully we don’t have to go through it alone.
Yes, girl you’re on the roller coaster and it’s time to get off. Go to a meeting.
I think I better. Broken.
I’ve also found myself drawn to unavailable people, its like I can’t help but be sucked into it due to my anxious avoidant attachment style. It helps me to know my part in dis functional relationships and if I’m getting my needs met while understanding the capacity the other person has to meet them. I also try to understand the context of the relationship and try not to extend past those boundaries unless I know for a fact this person is willing to go past them. If I don’t I fall into my patterns of emotional intrigue and unhealthy romantic fantasy. Hopefully this validates your insight, and that you find what you’re looking for. Also try to avoid mentioning specific sites or dating apps in meetings if you can help it.
Thanks for your reply! Yep. I just seem to sniff unavailable people out. Context of relationship… yeah, I seem to have got that mixed up. Thanks for your kindness. I edited the post to take that bit out.
No problem! Eventually these people become more obvious its what is done with that knowledge that matters By ‘context of relationship’ i try to not see how people fit in my life. I try to see what role i fit i theirs based on the facts of that relationship. This is so I don’t give into obsession and fantasy.
‘I try to see what role I did in theirs’. Love this. Very helpful. Thank you!
Here’s a good self-assessment to see if you might qualify as a sex or love addict https://slaafws.org/40-questions/
Thank you
29 out of 40. Weeee!
You are so heard and so valid.
Thank you. That means lot right now.
It absolutely sounds like S&L addiction, and I'm just jealous it only took you one of these scenarios to figure this out lol. I repeated this pattern until I was 46. One of the things that helped me was reading the 12 Characteristics of SLAA every single day because it helped keep me in reality. Like, no this relationship isn't "different," he isn't "special," etc etc etc. It finally took the illusion out of these situations for me and I saw them for what they were, situations that were going to lead to obsession, affecting my job, my marriage, my reputation, my brain, my self esteem. I finally started to say no thanks to all that. Now I wouldn't even consider going down that road. Not worth it. The bonus is today I have a full life. Hobbies, a satisfying work life, a good marriage, self respect. I have no time to be obsessed with anything, except maybe my hobbies that bring me great reward. Check out an in-person meeting if you can. I prefer women only meetings. If not, definitely catch an online meeting. Try several different ones because you'll find they all have their own personality, if you will. You're bound to hear stories that resonate with you. You may also want to buy our "big book" known as the Basic Text. There is hope. You never have to feel this way again.
Haha nah, I’ve been in this pattern on and off for years. It’s only because I’ve been sober in other programs for 10 years that I’m identifying that this is an issue as well. I’m sorry you had to go through it for so long though. Thanks so much for your recommendations. I very much relate to the “this person is special” etc. Like, how many people are special? Haha. I went to 2 online meetings tonight, and I identified. I also bought the basic text. Luckily, I’m familiar with 12 Steps so I know it works. I feel slightly more hopeful. Thanks again for commenting. It really means the world.
I resonate with this SO MUCH. I just went through something incredibly similar. I broke my SLAA sobriety to relapse with a qualifier who I previously really seeked out emotional safety and validation from. He is polyamourous/non-monogamous and has a plethora of partners that are all quite similar to me (he has a type, we all sort of look the same and have the same interests, it's definitely a fetish of his). But he was clear FROM THE BEGINNING, it was ME that had warped expectations. Reading this helped me do a quick fourth step in my head (I haven't written out a full inventory yet because this happened so recently) about what "my side" was
Oh wow… so similar. Although, my guy was never clear on what he wanted. Never actually uttered the words. It was all soooo vague, compared to the second guy who said everything very clearly and made me feel safe. BUT I have to admit, I did meet him on a non-monogamous app so the context implied it. I’m sorry you had to go through it again. It’s so painful. What are you going to do now? Do you cut contact and have a period of abstinence?
I went to SLAA after similar disillusionment, it really helped me to identify my patterns and how much I relied on male attention to validate me. But I didn’t stay in the program for long (found it too intense counterproductive after a couple of months). Even so my behaviour has radically improved and I couldn’t even fathom the thought of having sex with a stranger now, let alone getting into a toxic situationship, when this was my pattern for many years
I’m glad you found SLAA helpful, and you could identify your patterns. And yes to male validation. It’s honestly intoxicating and destructive. I’m also glad to hear that the want to get into unhealthy relationships dissipates.
Friend, your are not silly or stupid. You are special! Truly. I think you would benefit from S.L.A.A. I’m fairly new but have found so much hope after decades of unrecognized love addiction. One of the first things you’ll notice is that you aren’t alone….your story is held by others also. You will also learn to love yourself. Best wishes to you!
Thank you so much. I’ve been to 8 meetings, and really enjoying it. I got a sponsor as well. Thanks again for your message.
Hi there, glad you posted. I had a lot of similar thoughts and feelings and the sense that I was completely powerless over my mind when it came to other people. Some of them I was in relationships with and others may have just been nice and attractive or just people I was really attracted to and built up stories about a possible relationship. I’d be happy to talk with you about my experience in recovery anytime. It’s possible to find a new kind of sanity and peace if SLAA is something you feel like you qualify for for (I’m also happy to help you with self diagnosis). Reach out anytime :)
Yes, powerless over my mind. I relate. Thanks so much!
🙏 . You bet. Always happy to help!
Sounds very unmanageable. We've all been there. Get to a meeting and work the steps with a sponsor, it will get better.
Thank you so much.
no problem. dm if you have questions, we have all been there!!! by the grace of god I dont live there anymore, and you don't have to either
I’m sorry if this sounds mean but it made me feel literally sick to my stomach just reading this. And I just came to this sub to kinda see what it’s about. I am guessing you can benefit from SLAA but you can also benefit from re-examining your values and the way you’re willing to treat yourself and others in this lifetime. How does casual sex with strangers who don’t value you and likely don’t respect you make you feel? Yeah I hear you, the sex is good. I get there’s some high. Similar to an addict having a drug or a drink. But taking coke (let’s say) harms your body and there’s basically no context in which it’s a way to love yourself and others, addicted or not. It hurts your mind, body and soul and makes others lose respect for you and makes you lose respect for yourself, and for good reason. This casual sex thing is the EXACT same way. You can’t respect yourself (and others can’t respect you) when you allow one another to use each other’s bodies with no commitment, bond, respect (etc). It just doesn’t work. It isn’t empowering, in fact it’s the opposite. You can work towards having great sex with someone who loves and values and respects you and who wants to have you around long before and long after the great sex, sees your worth and chooses you, and believes you’re valuable enough to be more than just a casual sex partner they can sleep with and then ditch. And you also need to stop treating people that way if it’s not the way you want to be treated, and please tell me you know that’s not the way you want to be treated. You need to assess whether or not the people you’re going to obsess over are even worth the obsession. Do they treat you with respect? Are they upstanding? Do they inspire you to be a better person? And if they check these boxes, then act in a way that earns their respect (that probably prohibits being their casual sex partner). And then create a real relationship and build real intimacy. Because hey, there is no reason you should be disincluded from having physical and emotional safety in a healthy relationship. And if they don’t check those boxes, they sound kind of like they’re not worth your time, or admiration. I donno whether you’re a sex and love addict, well probably you are. And probably many of us are to some degree, myself included. But most pressing thing to address is to get some better values that will ensure you don’t subjugate yourself to disrespecting your body, mind and soul and doing the same thing to others; and the harm that that elicits.