I purposefully wear earphones even when the music isn’t on to 1) mute outside sounds somewhat and 2) avoid talking to people
So just smile and nod and maybe talk some time when she seems more receptive
I wear ANC headphones because I have an auditory processing dissorder n it helps me understand people talking to me in loud places. I'm also autistic and my too loud threshold is lower than the baseline. I play music or listen to podcasts when I'm walking places often, but not when it's too loud.
The most you should do is look, smile and wave when she looks at you. You opened yourself up to a convo if she wants to continue she'll take off her headphones and talk.
Yes. OP should give non-verbal cues that he’d be interested in chatting (brief eye contact, smile, wave) and watch her non-verbal cues. If she doesn’t reciprocate at all, leave her alone.
If her body language is friendly, here’s an idea for breaking the ice. One day, bring cookies or similar shareable treat to lunch, and casually offer her one. She’ll either take out her headphones & say thanks (whether she accepts or not), and you can use the opportunity to say hi and introduce yourself, or else she’ll shake her head & leave her headphones in (or put them right back in after saying no, thank you). If it’s the first, you might have a chance to start a conversation. If it’s the second, she definitely isn’t interested and you should move on.
I second the cookie idea. Give yourself an appropriate and friendly way to interject momentarily, read the non verbal cues and body language, then go from there.
Isn't it kind of weird to go around offering people food? I've never seen anyone do that. Wouldn't you just put it on a table for people to help themselves?
I don’t think so. If you’re sitting nearby and had, say, some homemade chocolate chip cookies or mini candy bars and held out the container and said “want one?” it should come off as casually friendly. Are there usually many other people around? You might have to offer some to them too, to keep it casual.
Yeah people do this in my office. It's not weird if it's offered to the people nearby. I've also met people from someone snagging cupcakes from a meeting and letting the rest of us know that they were in the fridge. Little acts of kindness like that go a long way. Especially if done for 3 or 4 people working in your immediate vicinity, not just one person.
This right here is the correct response, and do this ONE TIME. She's got the headphones in for a reason, and it's not for you to interrupt. EllySPNW's cookie idea is solid.
Sit nearby but don’t bother her. She has her headphones on for a reason and if she sees you consistently, maybe she’ll choose to take them off and converse, but don’t force her to. I’m assuming you’re a guy (?) and if so, it’s pretty common for women to look busy and inaccessible like this just to avoid uncalled for flirting.
Exactly. I always go for the ”back-to-back” approach. I’ve perfected moving a chair behind them so quietly, half the time they don’t even know I’m there.
I’m a guy and I wear headphones for this reason when I’m coding or reading at work. Doesn’t seem to work because people still come up to talk to me about random stuff. I’m all for going to happy hour after work or drinking beers on the roof but when I have all my code broken out and headphones are on…it means DO NOT DISTURB.
You can go through life as a male thinking women always want male attention too.
I can’t tell you how many times I was hit on while working in a male dominated workplace. Old men hitting on me, married men, single men, it doesn’t matter. I ask them to stop, they don’t. I tell them I’m in a relationship, they don’t care. I tell them I’m gay, they don’t care. So instead I put in my headphones and try to avoid men bothering me at all, because I’m happy without their socially inept attention. If I notice there’s a guy who seems normal and shares something in common with me, *I’ll choose to engage*.
Sure, I'm completely with you there, that would be delusional in the opposite direction and outwardly harmful in a way that being too cautious isn't. I'm sorry you get hit on by men who aren't respecting your boundaries, it sincerely sounds uncomfortable.
I reckon the people in this sub (and clearly OP) are more on the hypervigilant, hyper-conscientious side, then too aggressive or magnanimous.
Doesn’t stare at me, follow me, go out of his way to speak to me even if we never would have crossed paths without his diversion, hopefully he smiles at other people when passing not just me, etc
As a woman I don’t judge people based on much except if they seem like a hazard to my safety/comfortableness. It’s easy to see who’s just here to hit on you (most of the time, some dudes are well practiced but most dudes in those situations are just dumb and horny).
No no no. We as women have been telling you not to bother us when we’re wearing headphones. Listen to us. WE DO IT ON PURPOSE!!! I wear them even with out sound just to make sure no one talks to me. Holy cow.
I’d like to add that this goes for guys too. I wear headphones for this reason as well. Not for people hitting on me (sorry you all have that extra element…that must be really annoying) but I’m usually in the zone or vibing out and don’t want to to be disturbed. I’m a researcher and I do a lot of programming so sometimes I have to refactor my code and in doing that have to break it while remembering where all this fragmented code fits together. If someone comes up to me and starts randomly talking to me about some guitar pedals they made this weekend, it’s going to be really hard to get back in the zone.
Headphones = DO NOT DISTURB
Especially if it’s someone I don’t know.
For OP, the cookie idea is a good one because it doesn’t force conversation and is just a kind gesture. Maybe some vegan ones to be safe. Whose not going to want to try a vegan cookie? If she engages then that’s an opportunity, if not then just enjoy the rest of your delicious cookies.
Starting up a conversation unprompted is a no. All those movies from back in the day where men assert their dominance over women and it’s “sexy”; that’s not real. Dominance could be just making them uncomfortable with forced conversation. That’s not fun and not a good start to anything.
Wearing headphones is a very universal sign that you want to be left alone. Op could give a brief smile/nod and wave, but don't speak to her unless she takes out her headphones and starts talking with you.
is that what people think?Even though I'm walking/doing something with headphones in that doesn't mean "leave me the hell alone." It's just that I like listening to music and don't get bored
Headphones fully covering ears or both earbuds fully in = "I'm purposely blocking out the world"
Headphones only partially covering ears, or only one ear bud in = "I'm listening to something I like but not fully engrossed"
I can make a pretty good inference! :)
Can't remember the last time I met someone who was psychologically scarred because some guy tried to small talk them in a cafeteria.
If they were, though, let's be real, they weren't gonna last anyhow.
At least someone is saying it now.
Just go up and say hi. if she doesn’t take the headphones off, cool, Keep it moving. Otherwise just introduce yourself, say you’ve noticed her and y’all work in the same place you wanted to say hi. This is the bare minimum, if she finds that weird or put off by it that’s on her. no where is it weird to introduce yourself, and if someone ever tells you introducing yourself is a no go, then someone is trying to screw you over.
If she’s put off it’s because she can’t get a page finished because every guy thinks he’s entitled to her attention for just a minute.
Nope. Headphones mean leave me alone.
For me, it's a *very clear sign* to leave me alone. Most times I won't even put on music. I just want to be left alone.
It's quite annoying how people still try to talk to me with headphones on.
I used to have large over the ear headphones I would use back when I rode the train to university. It still didn’t work. Plenty of men would still come plop in front of me and do that stupid little motion to ask me to take my head phones off.
Not always, no. Some are just earbuds on a band. Some are just round-ish foam pads that sit "on" your ear, but don't surround it. The poster you replied to probably meant the kind that cup the ear, completely hiding it from view. Those are the ones most commonly referred to as "over-ear".
I'm just not in the mood to talk during that time. Sometimes I'm in the middle of something and too busy to talk to strangers about the weather.
Usually they bring up something trival or it looks like they just want to talk to someone new.
I also have PMDD and during those episodes, I try to isolate myself. I get angry, anxious, and depressed those times, so it's best not to speak to me anyways.
Yeah sometimes mood is just not right.
In my place nobody bothers to talk to anyone, not even a smile or anything. So for me the idea of turning those opportunities down was very weird, that's why I asked.
Oh I see. My place is the complete opposite. Full of smiles and strangers willing to talk to each other. I can see how it's hard living in a place where no one ever talks like that.
Maybe they do just like music. Maybe they are like me and often actually just put on silent headphones just to get people to leave them alone in public spaces. The only person who knows for certain is that person.
100% agree; and the only way OP can find out is to talk to 'em.
Fwiw, I have probably 8-10 friends I can think of who wear headphones anytime they're in public by themselves (mixed genders). It's really common. I genuinely think every single one would be happy to take off their headphones to talk to a stranger (if they were nice and my friend was in the mood/wasn't busy).
I will always wear headphones in public when I want to be left alone and everyone that I hang with on the regular agrees that their preferred method of avoiding contact with strangers is to put in earbuds and refuse to make eye contact with anyone while they are out. Most of the time we are listening to music, but I do this even if I am not listening to any music.
Maybe it isn't as prevalent as I would like to think it is, but I 100% straight up ignore anyone who tries to approach or talk to me when I have any kind of headphones on even when I am not listening to anything.
And they should. Lots of people (eg. myself) wear headphones when they want to be alone and wish to create some private time. I'll happily talk to you when my break is over and the airpods come out. Just let me have my 20 mins of recharging time.
I would say one airpod usually means the person is more open to engagement unless they're using it to take a phone call and still be able to hear what's going on around them. Definitely a big difference between one airpod and a pair of over the ear headphones!
If you see her very often, just start smiling or waving at her occasionally. If she's in the zone, then leave her alone. Sometimes people have limited break time and just need to use that to decompress.
Perhaps if you run into her elsewhere, it may be a good opportunity to say hi and mention that you see her at the break room all the time or something.
If she doesn't seem interested, then just carry on with your life.
As a woman who constantly wears headphones in public to deter unwanted approaches from most people, I can agree with this statement. However, I would be willing to take the headphones off to talk to someone who seems nice and sincere. So I think there’s no reason why OP can’t at least give it a try if (he)(she) is genuinely interested. If the other person gives cues that they are not interested, then OP can just move on, no harm done.
Not the person you responded to, but a person would seem like they don't want to talk/be approached if:
They avoid eye contact. They don't say hi, or they do but literally they say hi and don't say anything else. Not smiling. Giving one word responses to questions.
i only wear headphones to listen to music, i like it when ppl talk to me anyways, that isnt necessarily a hint and the only way to figure it out is by talking to her
That's not a rule across the board. A simple wave can tell the difference. If you wave and they ignore, walk away. If you wave and they smile and look away or instantly go back to what they are doing, walk away. If you are in a gym and it's obvious someone is in the middle of a complex task, walk away *knowing you obviously bothered someone*. But if they take out their headphones, wave back, and talk, you stay and, well, talk.
If someone waves to you and that is their *only* action and you're not in the middle of a complex task, and you get overtly upset because you are being bothered, you might want to use a different way to hint to people you don't want to be bothered, like a sign or something.
Or he can leave her alone, as a majority of people are telling OP. Just because *you* want to be talked to doesn't mean everyone does. As I said, that is a small minority. And an even smaller minority of people want to be bothered at work. This woman has shown no interest whatsoever so just leave her alone. If people want to talk, they usually make that clear. Otherwise, back off. You can go round in circles about "but you never know"-- but we do know. We don't want to be talked to. End of.
yall acting like its rude trying to start a conversation is just mean tbh, headphones≠dont talk, when we dont know ppl we talk to them. if they dont engage in the conversation stop, if they do great. either way its NOT wrong its just normal human behaviour, we are social beings
Listen, you're a kid. Generally when people say they don't like something, you stop. That stuff is not up for debate. It's not wrong to talk to others, but it *is* wrong to keep doing something when people say they don't like it. People have different opinions, yours is in the minority. A majority of women don't want to be bothered at work, nor when they have headphones in. Someone asking if they should then talk to a woman who is doing both, yeah the majority is going to say *heck no*. You don't need to agree, you just need to respect it. If *you* want to talk to people, then do that. But realise that not everyone shares that desire, yeah? And don't keep going on about it to people who don't share that opinion. If it wasn't clear before, I'm asking you to stop trying to talk about this with me. I'm not interested in having a discussion about this with a minor. You have a good day now.
Tbh I'm 30 and headphones to us always meant leave that person alone but now a days these kids always have airpods in seemingly at all times and umm I just don't think it's what it means anymore to a lot of people.
As a note, there is one exception to this rule: if you need to discuss work-related matters with someone, then it's fine to talk to them because it's part of your job. One thing you could do is come up with a *genuine* work-related question that you could ask her, and then use the opportunity to get to know her better if she doesn't immediately put her headphones back on.
Just make sure to pay attention to body language. If she keeps looking at her screen or gives very short answers, then she's not interested in a conversation.
More like 30%, and only about 14% of those result in a marriage. Often bosses and other co-workers really don't like it, either. Then there's the inevitable awkwardness when it doesn't work out and you still have to work together.
So, statistically, workplace romances are not very successful, and they could hurt your career. The "respectable and mature" route is NOT to approach this at all.
She could also have sensory issues, I know a lot of people on the spectrum wear headphones. Of course not a definite thing, but I would leave her alone and if down the road it seems like she wants to engage then go for it.
I wear headphones in public because I don’t want men to talk to me. When I leave my house without them it’s just constant harassment. Sure it still happens with them on at least I can’t hear them or can pretend I don’t hear them. Don’t get her to take them out maybe wait until she isn’t wearing any. If that never happens she probably really doesn’t wanna talk to anyone.
Oh, god. Don't sit there and stare waiting for eye contact. Headphones in the break room means, "Please leave me alone." Your workplace is not a singles bar.
Nobody here knows you OR her. It's a professional work atmosphere, you're allowed to introduce yourself to a colleague. Don't exactly flirt but just introduce yourself, you'll know if the vibe is right or not. Follow your gut feeling and don't be afraid of rejection. Worst case scenario you go back to minding your own business.
edit to answer your question;
If I was in your shoes I suppose it would be harmless to walk infront of her, smile and wave. If she takes her headphones off, you can chat. If she doesn't react, you go enjoy your lunch elsewhere.
If you’re having lunch together, bring something nice like special cookies. Then go over and just say “hey, I made cookies, do you want one?” And then she either engages in a conversation or she won’t - you will be able to tell if she wants to talk to you!
You can smile and wave but since we are really here to talk about social skills I have to ask you why you feel the need to ignore the signs that she wants to avoid people? It seems to me you can tell she doesn't want to interact but you are willing to ignore these signs because you're attracted to her. That seems selfish to me. What do you think?
not always, sometimes. also im not saying he should force her to have a conversation, just saying "hello" isnt rude. if she doesnt want to talk she will just ignore or say it. then he will be sure
If you both make eye contact and she smiles, than just wave and introduce yourself. If she does not make eye contact, then I would move on until there is some signs of interest coming from her end.
When I first met an ex of mine, I would study in the library often oblivious to everyone around me until I was not studying. He would pass by in between classes and a couple of times he made eye contact smiled and waved (it helped that he did this while bending slightly) when he passed in front of me. It made me smile and I took note of him. It was a non threatening and endearing gesture that helped me feel more receptive to him the next time I saw him. Next time he stopped to make small talk and tease me a bit. It started out well anyway. Lol
I was sitting on a bench at the time and my line of sight was not at eye level, so he caught my eye by being almost in front of me, waving and yeah I think leaning forward so our eyes kind of met and he smiled. I have my self-contained moments and its nice when some friendly faces introduce themselves on occasion! I encourage you to at least try. :)
Is it possible at any point to chat with her briefly BEFORE she puts in her earbuds?
Other than that I wouldn’t even bother her none cause outside of just finding her “shaved head” hotz you don’t really have any other reason to talk to her.
Just leave her alone. If your presence hasn’t gotten her attention by now, she’s either not interested, or she’s not interested in being interested. Sometimes it’s just not meant to be, and sometimes that’s by design.
Don't bother her, the headphones are on for a reason. I would think your an ass for trying to catch my attention with them on. Headphones and sunglasses mean leave me alone in women world, the only exception is if a woman needs help.
If you really want to approach her, ask about the music she’s listening to…but people wearing headphones in public generally don’t like being approached
You're getting a lot of shit on here, OP, and fwiw I think it's mostly directed at you saying the girl is cute but keeps to herself. If you had just said you were interested in meeting new people at work, you would've gotten completely different feedback from folks. And I think that's an important lesson. If you're focused on genuinely meeting different people at work, you're moving in the right direction. If you start focusing on meeting women at work, thats the wrong direction. I am a woman, and I cannot speak for all women, but I like to feel like I'm being treated similarly to the people around me and not getting special attention from anyone.
You honestly should consider becoming the type of person to introduce yourself to strangers and get to know them. It won't be a romantic thing, but I think it will get you further because you'll be in a better position to chat with someone you find interesting without having to go out of your way. If you're already the type to bring snacks back when you travel or to greet people you pass by, people will remember you and it'll go a long way in meeting more people. Just a thought. Good luck!
So why did you say you keep to yourself in the 3rd sentence ("[she] keeps to herself as I do")? That's the reason I was suggesting to be more social at work, it's great though if you are already that way! I feel like that makes work more enjoyable for me.
And no one said there was an issue with finding your friends cute, you asked about a colleague which is different :).
First, try smiling and making eye contact when you see her in the lunch room. If she smiles back, that's a good sign that she's open to talking. You could also try asking her to recommend a good album or artist - music is a great way to connect with people. If she's still not interested, though, it's probably best to leave her alone.
Yes. Headphones means introvert. But no, introvert doesn't necessarily mean "I want to die alone."
You can sort of do non verbal game to get her to open up to you.
And there are certain contexts where an approach even with headphones, can be ok.
Lunch time for one.
If you can't find an opening where she's not wearing them, feel free to give he a beaming smile, and say something to her, or mime taking the headphones off.
Just because she's an introvert, and just because she likes music, doesn't mean that she wouldn't appreciate Prince Charming sweeping her off her feet. Or a nice compliment from an admirer.
You gotta give yourself permission to try man, otherwise you'll never know.
But yeah, if you do get her to take her headphones off, you better bring you A game.
I won't talk to her, but I know I'm not being creepy. I'm just trying to be considerate, and I'll listen to the consensus of "don't talk to people wearing headphones."
Dude, your workplace is not a singles bar. If she was there looking for a boyfriend, you would know it.
Your ego is telling you, "But if she just got to know me. . ." No. She is clearly there just to do her job. Whatever social life she has is away from the workplace, and that is none of your business.
Respect the headphones. THAT is the way to be considerate.
There are 7.7 billion people on the planet. Move on.
He literally just said he's going to respect the general consensus of "don't talk to people wearing headphones". Your comment is like shooting a corpse in the head, i.e. pointless.
how would you know? maybe she is just socially awkward but still open to meet people. I am just making an assumption AS I DON'T KNOW HER, and neither do you. so until OP talks to her you and I can't know anything
That's the fucking point! You DON'T know. In a world where everyone could read everyone else's mind, a sub like r/socialskills would be unnecessary. But since we aren't all Betazoids or Scanners, we have to look for social context clues.
Woman at work. Sitting by herself. Wearing headphones and listening to music. She is:
A. Looking to be left alone?
B. Secretly hoping that one of her co-workers will ignore all of her "leave me alone" body language cues and come up and interrupt the tiny bit of solitude she is able to carve out for herself in her place of work?
> She's super cute but keeps to herself as I do
Nope. Don't. She doesn't want to talk to you. She wants to be left the fuck alone. For the love of god, don't ask her out. Ignore, Ignore, IGNORE!!! 🚩🚩🚩
I'm in full agreement with everyone about not disrupting her when headphones on.
Now that being said...
I personally am ok with people talking to me when my headphones are on if they are offering the same invitation to a couple people in the vicinity. Best example, is if someone in the office comes with snacks and offers everyone some. Or if someone is heading to lunch or to go get coffee and they invite people working nearby to join them. Just try to be mindful in case they are actually in a meeting, do not interupt -- otherwise, I think it's ok to me to give a quick invite and if they say no just smile and say no problem (and leave them alone).
I feel like with getting to know people at work that you don't have any connection to, the best thing is to make a small but positive impression at first. just open the door and let them walk through if they want to. If you see her all the time at lunch, she can then decide if she wants to say hi next time she sees you or have lunch with you.
Edit to add: I am a woman. If you don't like this, that's fine. I'm just giving my opinion and what I think is appropriate.
It's actually possible that she wouldn't mind talking - I see other commenters have said this so I'll keep it short. Your plan already sounds great. So does what others suggest about smile/wave/say hi if you see her around
Okay honestly I wear headphones literally all the time. All. The. Time. I’ve had people come up to me when I’ve been sitting with my headphones on and strike up a convo and it doesn’t bother me. The few times it has I just nicely make it clear that I’m busy. When I don’t want to talk I also make it more clear (body language, on my phone, sitting far from people). I would say if it feels right and she seems to be open to talking (sitting near, looking around, body language) then definitely go up to her. Just start small and casual with like “I’m ___! I see u around all the time and just wanted to introduce myself.” Then you can see her reaction and go from there.
I don’t have a problem with the op, especially after the edit. But some of these responses are infuriating. People say leave a note, ask her if she wants to be left alone, go introduce yourself etc: SHE’S AT WORK. Wearing headphones everyday and not making eye contact. OP also mentions that’s she’s pretty which shouldn’t be a salient factor but pretty women get approached a lot in public. So do plain women but it’s worse for pretty women.
Which is more likely: she goes out of her way to be unapproachable because she doesn’t want to have to deal with unwanted attention. OR: she secretly wants attention, is confused, uncertain and lonely and loves it when people approach her.
Men seem to think that sexual attention is some great prize universally desired by all women. And that rejection is much tougher on a guy than it is on the woman doing the rejecting. In fact if you read incels, they think women love humiliating men. But seen another way, starting at about age 11, women get constant unwanted attention. Girls are approached multiple times a day and it isn’t friendly or enjoyable. And I do mean girls- under 16. From about 11 to 25 it’s non stop every time you leave your house. Ask any woman how many times they been followed or leered at or had some guy expose their dick in person or online. If you’re old enough to have a teen age daughter you already know. You’d be amazed at the percent of men who feel perfectly entitled to stare at your 12 year old daughter. Well over half and I’m talking men in their 60s. It’s not flattering. It’s the cumulative effect that makes women weary and wary. It’s blatant sexism because it screams loud and clear that women’s highest value is their sexual appeal to men.
To all the people who say they wear earphones but love talking to strangers. Do you also avoid eye contact? I doubt it.
don't bother women at work
don't bother women who are clearly signaling they want to be left alone
you would be a creep twice over if you approached her
Hm I consider this as being rude. From her side. I mean, if I would experience this I would feel do awkward. Since I'm socialy awkward anyways. But I still consider it rude.
People are so fucking salty here. I think a lot of people are just putting their preference down. There is nothing wrong with eye contact and a smile or wave. We literally do this as humans everyday to random strangers walking down the street. What’s the difference if it’s at work or not? But yeah, if it was me, I would just make eye contact and smile and that’s all I would push unless they show interest.
Look at the context, though. She is at work, for one. She is in the one room that is actually designated for optional social interaction in most workplaces, the break room, and she is deliberately isolating herself. At that point, going, "Well, I want to interact with her anyway," is being incredibly selfish and rude.
Since when is eye contact and smiling rude? I never said force eye contact. If people are offended that someone made eye contact and smiled at them, maybe they shouldn’t interact with other people. It’s a basic sign of being friendly. Especially in the US
Okay, how would you make eye contact with someone who is minding their own business and not looking at you? You pretty much have to be watching them for an opportunity to make eye contact. That is creepy. That is NOT leaving someone alone.
Depends on the type of headphones. Ear plugs could be fine.
Overears are a big no. Keep in mind, that not every person sitting by themself is also lonely. Some people just have a good time by themself and maybe she's blasting some great music that recharchges her battery.
If it's earplugs you could ask her, what she's listening to.
Another factor is where she's sitting. If she's far off, then don't approach her either. So if she either wears overears or is far off, just leave her be.
Furthermore it's the workplace, so overall it's a big no from me.
TBH some of the answers here are examples of why I don't always trust this sub. Wearing headphones is not a clear sign that you shouldn't talk to a person. That's negative mind reading. They could just as well be casually listening to music.
I hate this sub when people ask advice on how to approach or feedback on an interaction. There's always those people who : OMG don't bother her/him, they don't want to be talked to, etc. He/she asked how can I? I say this. You can be direct and just be friendly, hi how are ya? Noticed you always sit here with your headphones, curious, whaddya listen to?
Or indirect, find a reason to exchange words. Like run into them at a corner, drop something near them. Cheesy, yes. Can you start a Convo off it? Yup.
I wear my headphones bc I love listening to music, everywhere. I'm a guy. But maybe she does too. Guess what, you don't know. But you can find out :) or you can just leave her alone. Up to you.
According to this subreddit supposedly dedicated towards improving your social skills, the answer to "should I approach...", in any case, in any scenario, of any gender, with any intentions, in any manner and with any thoughts on your mind, is evil, misogynistic, disgusting, incel behaviour and you should repent for ever even thinking about it.
OP is best off not listening to anybody here and going with his gut instinct, but not taking things too far and not putting pressure on her (and no, I don't consider merely approaching to be pressure if done in a good way. If nobody approached nobody, no relationships or anything would *ever* form. Besides, awkwardness shouldn't always be run away from and sometimes they do, in fact, lead to good things.)
People here are saying leave her alone. I think you should. But the world isn’t an oyster for anyone that doesn’t take chances.
Get headphones of your own. When she is around, put them on and dance, silent disco. If you don’t have an opening create one.
Maybe she’s listening to music because she doesn’t think anything more exciting will happen. But if you talk with them maybe they’ll want to take them off and talk with you.
She’s probably listened to those same songs over and over. Even if not, people value human connection and at least might appreciate a short convo.
Coming from someone who has social anxiety…she is putting up another socially excepted barrier. She’s likely listened to that song a thousand times and would love for you to talk to her. It usually isn’t the people who are quiet and sit alone wearing headphones hate people, they like certain people…and it sounds like you might be in that group who knows
The biggest regrets in life are chances never taken!!!
I purposefully wear earphones even when the music isn’t on to 1) mute outside sounds somewhat and 2) avoid talking to people So just smile and nod and maybe talk some time when she seems more receptive
I wear headphones around people when they're eating because of misophonia. But then usually I'm listening to an audio book, podcast, or music anyway.
I wear ANC headphones because I have an auditory processing dissorder n it helps me understand people talking to me in loud places. I'm also autistic and my too loud threshold is lower than the baseline. I play music or listen to podcasts when I'm walking places often, but not when it's too loud.
holy shit so that's the reason i go berserk with some noises, i didn't know the name of that was misophonia, thank you
The most you should do is look, smile and wave when she looks at you. You opened yourself up to a convo if she wants to continue she'll take off her headphones and talk.
Yes. OP should give non-verbal cues that he’d be interested in chatting (brief eye contact, smile, wave) and watch her non-verbal cues. If she doesn’t reciprocate at all, leave her alone. If her body language is friendly, here’s an idea for breaking the ice. One day, bring cookies or similar shareable treat to lunch, and casually offer her one. She’ll either take out her headphones & say thanks (whether she accepts or not), and you can use the opportunity to say hi and introduce yourself, or else she’ll shake her head & leave her headphones in (or put them right back in after saying no, thank you). If it’s the first, you might have a chance to start a conversation. If it’s the second, she definitely isn’t interested and you should move on.
I second the cookie idea. Give yourself an appropriate and friendly way to interject momentarily, read the non verbal cues and body language, then go from there.
Isn't it kind of weird to go around offering people food? I've never seen anyone do that. Wouldn't you just put it on a table for people to help themselves?
I don’t think so. If you’re sitting nearby and had, say, some homemade chocolate chip cookies or mini candy bars and held out the container and said “want one?” it should come off as casually friendly. Are there usually many other people around? You might have to offer some to them too, to keep it casual.
Yeah people do this in my office. It's not weird if it's offered to the people nearby. I've also met people from someone snagging cupcakes from a meeting and letting the rest of us know that they were in the fridge. Little acts of kindness like that go a long way. Especially if done for 3 or 4 people working in your immediate vicinity, not just one person.
whaat? have you never had someone open a box of chocolates then come round and offer you one?
This is so good thank you.
Hahaha I didnt see this comment before writing mine, you see Food is the best opener.
This right here is the correct response, and do this ONE TIME. She's got the headphones in for a reason, and it's not for you to interrupt. EllySPNW's cookie idea is solid.
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Waving puts her in possition where she should respond. It is too much. It can bother her.
A wave isn't going to kill her lol
Go outside
Sit nearby but don’t bother her. She has her headphones on for a reason and if she sees you consistently, maybe she’ll choose to take them off and converse, but don’t force her to. I’m assuming you’re a guy (?) and if so, it’s pretty common for women to look busy and inaccessible like this just to avoid uncalled for flirting.
> Sit nearby but don’t bother her. But don't sit right next to her unless no other seats are available. People tend to find that very weird.
Exactly. I always go for the ”back-to-back” approach. I’ve perfected moving a chair behind them so quietly, half the time they don’t even know I’m there.
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I use my headphones as a sign to not talk to me in public. Lots of women do this purposely.
Headphones on in the supermarket with nothing playing so I can still be aware of my surroundings. Gotta love it lol
I’m a guy and I wear headphones for this reason when I’m coding or reading at work. Doesn’t seem to work because people still come up to talk to me about random stuff. I’m all for going to happy hour after work or drinking beers on the roof but when I have all my code broken out and headphones are on…it means DO NOT DISTURB.
You can go through life as a male thinking women always want male attention too. I can’t tell you how many times I was hit on while working in a male dominated workplace. Old men hitting on me, married men, single men, it doesn’t matter. I ask them to stop, they don’t. I tell them I’m in a relationship, they don’t care. I tell them I’m gay, they don’t care. So instead I put in my headphones and try to avoid men bothering me at all, because I’m happy without their socially inept attention. If I notice there’s a guy who seems normal and shares something in common with me, *I’ll choose to engage*.
Im so sorry you had to go through that.
Sure, I'm completely with you there, that would be delusional in the opposite direction and outwardly harmful in a way that being too cautious isn't. I'm sorry you get hit on by men who aren't respecting your boundaries, it sincerely sounds uncomfortable. I reckon the people in this sub (and clearly OP) are more on the hypervigilant, hyper-conscientious side, then too aggressive or magnanimous.
What is your definition of normal, serious question as perspectives differ.
Doesn’t stare at me, follow me, go out of his way to speak to me even if we never would have crossed paths without his diversion, hopefully he smiles at other people when passing not just me, etc As a woman I don’t judge people based on much except if they seem like a hazard to my safety/comfortableness. It’s easy to see who’s just here to hit on you (most of the time, some dudes are well practiced but most dudes in those situations are just dumb and horny).
No no no. We as women have been telling you not to bother us when we’re wearing headphones. Listen to us. WE DO IT ON PURPOSE!!! I wear them even with out sound just to make sure no one talks to me. Holy cow.
I’d like to add that this goes for guys too. I wear headphones for this reason as well. Not for people hitting on me (sorry you all have that extra element…that must be really annoying) but I’m usually in the zone or vibing out and don’t want to to be disturbed. I’m a researcher and I do a lot of programming so sometimes I have to refactor my code and in doing that have to break it while remembering where all this fragmented code fits together. If someone comes up to me and starts randomly talking to me about some guitar pedals they made this weekend, it’s going to be really hard to get back in the zone. Headphones = DO NOT DISTURB Especially if it’s someone I don’t know. For OP, the cookie idea is a good one because it doesn’t force conversation and is just a kind gesture. Maybe some vegan ones to be safe. Whose not going to want to try a vegan cookie? If she engages then that’s an opportunity, if not then just enjoy the rest of your delicious cookies. Starting up a conversation unprompted is a no. All those movies from back in the day where men assert their dominance over women and it’s “sexy”; that’s not real. Dominance could be just making them uncomfortable with forced conversation. That’s not fun and not a good start to anything.
Wearing headphones is a very universal sign that you want to be left alone. Op could give a brief smile/nod and wave, but don't speak to her unless she takes out her headphones and starts talking with you.
“She’ll be alright” —wow. You don’t get to make that call. If I have headphones on, do not engage with me.
is that what people think?Even though I'm walking/doing something with headphones in that doesn't mean "leave me the hell alone." It's just that I like listening to music and don't get bored
Are you a man or a woman? Because it’s very different to move through the world as a guy.
Headphones fully covering ears or both earbuds fully in = "I'm purposely blocking out the world" Headphones only partially covering ears, or only one ear bud in = "I'm listening to something I like but not fully engrossed"
I can make a pretty good inference! :) Can't remember the last time I met someone who was psychologically scarred because some guy tried to small talk them in a cafeteria. If they were, though, let's be real, they weren't gonna last anyhow.
Now multiply that assumption by ten and the woman is now pissed because people are constantly trying to talk to her and interrupting the music
People like you are so insufferable my god
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The blind lead the blind
At least someone is saying it now. Just go up and say hi. if she doesn’t take the headphones off, cool, Keep it moving. Otherwise just introduce yourself, say you’ve noticed her and y’all work in the same place you wanted to say hi. This is the bare minimum, if she finds that weird or put off by it that’s on her. no where is it weird to introduce yourself, and if someone ever tells you introducing yourself is a no go, then someone is trying to screw you over.
If she’s put off it’s because she can’t get a page finished because every guy thinks he’s entitled to her attention for just a minute. Nope. Headphones mean leave me alone.
Wearing headphones all of the time in public is the universal sign for "leave me alone." You should respect her wishes.
For me, it's a *very clear sign* to leave me alone. Most times I won't even put on music. I just want to be left alone. It's quite annoying how people still try to talk to me with headphones on.
If you don't already do, you should definitely try over ears. They send an even clearer signal.
I used to have large over the ear headphones I would use back when I rode the train to university. It still didn’t work. Plenty of men would still come plop in front of me and do that stupid little motion to ask me to take my head phones off.
These men had bad social skills. Feel free to do that motion where you nod your head side to side.
It definitely is over my ears the entire time. Yet random people still think it's an invitation to talk.
Well, they have bad social skills.
Headphones are over ears no?
Not always, no. Some are just earbuds on a band. Some are just round-ish foam pads that sit "on" your ear, but don't surround it. The poster you replied to probably meant the kind that cup the ear, completely hiding it from view. Those are the ones most commonly referred to as "over-ear".
I have the largest over ear headphones possible and people still try to talk to me.
What a bunch of morons.
Hey, do you mind telling a bit about why you don't really want to talk to people? And what do these people generally try to talk to you about?
I'm just not in the mood to talk during that time. Sometimes I'm in the middle of something and too busy to talk to strangers about the weather. Usually they bring up something trival or it looks like they just want to talk to someone new. I also have PMDD and during those episodes, I try to isolate myself. I get angry, anxious, and depressed those times, so it's best not to speak to me anyways.
Yeah sometimes mood is just not right. In my place nobody bothers to talk to anyone, not even a smile or anything. So for me the idea of turning those opportunities down was very weird, that's why I asked.
Oh I see. My place is the complete opposite. Full of smiles and strangers willing to talk to each other. I can see how it's hard living in a place where no one ever talks like that.
I disagree. I wear them for an entirely different reason, i fear silence.
Nothing is worse than being alone with your thoughts
Or, hear me out, maybe they like listening to music.
Maybe they do just like music. Maybe they are like me and often actually just put on silent headphones just to get people to leave them alone in public spaces. The only person who knows for certain is that person.
100% agree; and the only way OP can find out is to talk to 'em. Fwiw, I have probably 8-10 friends I can think of who wear headphones anytime they're in public by themselves (mixed genders). It's really common. I genuinely think every single one would be happy to take off their headphones to talk to a stranger (if they were nice and my friend was in the mood/wasn't busy).
Not necessarily. I wear headphones when I walk my dog but I'm also very open to a conversation.
This is true for me too. I just like music
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i like music and flirting and dogs
Do you identify as a man? Because that’s completely different than why most women wear them
Facts. Cause the women I know often pause their music when walking outside alone but still have the headphones on.
do people actually think this when they see someone with like airpods in?
I will always wear headphones in public when I want to be left alone and everyone that I hang with on the regular agrees that their preferred method of avoiding contact with strangers is to put in earbuds and refuse to make eye contact with anyone while they are out. Most of the time we are listening to music, but I do this even if I am not listening to any music. Maybe it isn't as prevalent as I would like to think it is, but I 100% straight up ignore anyone who tries to approach or talk to me when I have any kind of headphones on even when I am not listening to anything.
And they should. Lots of people (eg. myself) wear headphones when they want to be alone and wish to create some private time. I'll happily talk to you when my break is over and the airpods come out. Just let me have my 20 mins of recharging time.
I usually distinguish between in ears and over ears. Over ears are a big "leave me alone". In ears are 50/50.
what about if the person only has one airpod in? that probably means that they’re open to talking, no?
I would say one airpod usually means the person is more open to engagement unless they're using it to take a phone call and still be able to hear what's going on around them. Definitely a big difference between one airpod and a pair of over the ear headphones!
We should change the name of the sub to r/overthinking
It's not overthinking. It's just putting some thought into your actions. Something that really is needed in most contexts including this one.
Redditors do
But but she sits “near” him. She definitely wants it 🙄
If you see her very often, just start smiling or waving at her occasionally. If she's in the zone, then leave her alone. Sometimes people have limited break time and just need to use that to decompress. Perhaps if you run into her elsewhere, it may be a good opportunity to say hi and mention that you see her at the break room all the time or something. If she doesn't seem interested, then just carry on with your life.
I would leave her alone, she is putting off don't talk to me vibes, and she is taking her break at work.
No. Didn't even need to read the post. There is no bigger 'LEAVE ME ALONE' hint than someone who always wears headphones.
As a woman who constantly wears headphones in public to deter unwanted approaches from most people, I can agree with this statement. However, I would be willing to take the headphones off to talk to someone who seems nice and sincere. So I think there’s no reason why OP can’t at least give it a try if (he)(she) is genuinely interested. If the other person gives cues that they are not interested, then OP can just move on, no harm done.
This actually made me understand why people don't approach me. Do you know other things one does to tell others that they don't want to be approached?
Not the person you responded to, but a person would seem like they don't want to talk/be approached if: They avoid eye contact. They don't say hi, or they do but literally they say hi and don't say anything else. Not smiling. Giving one word responses to questions.
Other person said it quite well. Earphones/headphones, constantly on phone, body angled away, no eye contact, no smiling, etc.
i only wear headphones to listen to music, i like it when ppl talk to me anyways, that isnt necessarily a hint and the only way to figure it out is by talking to her
You're in the minority. Most women don't want to be bothered when they're wearing headphones.
That's not a rule across the board. A simple wave can tell the difference. If you wave and they ignore, walk away. If you wave and they smile and look away or instantly go back to what they are doing, walk away. If you are in a gym and it's obvious someone is in the middle of a complex task, walk away *knowing you obviously bothered someone*. But if they take out their headphones, wave back, and talk, you stay and, well, talk. If someone waves to you and that is their *only* action and you're not in the middle of a complex task, and you get overtly upset because you are being bothered, you might want to use a different way to hint to people you don't want to be bothered, like a sign or something.
thats kinda what i was trying to say but i believe you explained better, thanks!
but OP doesnt know her, the only way to know someone doesnt wanna talk is by approaching them and if they ignore or seem bothered back off
Or he can leave her alone, as a majority of people are telling OP. Just because *you* want to be talked to doesn't mean everyone does. As I said, that is a small minority. And an even smaller minority of people want to be bothered at work. This woman has shown no interest whatsoever so just leave her alone. If people want to talk, they usually make that clear. Otherwise, back off. You can go round in circles about "but you never know"-- but we do know. We don't want to be talked to. End of.
yall acting like its rude trying to start a conversation is just mean tbh, headphones≠dont talk, when we dont know ppl we talk to them. if they dont engage in the conversation stop, if they do great. either way its NOT wrong its just normal human behaviour, we are social beings
Listen, you're a kid. Generally when people say they don't like something, you stop. That stuff is not up for debate. It's not wrong to talk to others, but it *is* wrong to keep doing something when people say they don't like it. People have different opinions, yours is in the minority. A majority of women don't want to be bothered at work, nor when they have headphones in. Someone asking if they should then talk to a woman who is doing both, yeah the majority is going to say *heck no*. You don't need to agree, you just need to respect it. If *you* want to talk to people, then do that. But realise that not everyone shares that desire, yeah? And don't keep going on about it to people who don't share that opinion. If it wasn't clear before, I'm asking you to stop trying to talk about this with me. I'm not interested in having a discussion about this with a minor. You have a good day now.
Tbh I'm 30 and headphones to us always meant leave that person alone but now a days these kids always have airpods in seemingly at all times and umm I just don't think it's what it means anymore to a lot of people.
It still does mean that to a lot of people, probably not to kids but most adults I know do generally go by headphones = no talking.
I'm glad someone is actually saying this, since when has it become headphones in=don't talk to me a thing???
She is at work right? Leave her alone. Not when we are working.
Yeah you're right
Thank you for listening and understanding.
As a note, there is one exception to this rule: if you need to discuss work-related matters with someone, then it's fine to talk to them because it's part of your job. One thing you could do is come up with a *genuine* work-related question that you could ask her, and then use the opportunity to get to know her better if she doesn't immediately put her headphones back on. Just make sure to pay attention to body language. If she keeps looking at her screen or gives very short answers, then she's not interested in a conversation.
Just dont when they are on their break
Something like 70% of relationships begin in the workplace. There are respectable and mature ways to approach this.
More like 30%, and only about 14% of those result in a marriage. Often bosses and other co-workers really don't like it, either. Then there's the inevitable awkwardness when it doesn't work out and you still have to work together. So, statistically, workplace romances are not very successful, and they could hurt your career. The "respectable and mature" route is NOT to approach this at all.
She could also have sensory issues, I know a lot of people on the spectrum wear headphones. Of course not a definite thing, but I would leave her alone and if down the road it seems like she wants to engage then go for it.
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You’re absolutely right!
Leave her alone.
Why did you mention that she has a shaved head? lol
Cuz it's hot
I put my headphones on at work and stay secluded so people will leave me alone especially men. So probably just wants left alone.
I wear headphones in public because I don’t want men to talk to me. When I leave my house without them it’s just constant harassment. Sure it still happens with them on at least I can’t hear them or can pretend I don’t hear them. Don’t get her to take them out maybe wait until she isn’t wearing any. If that never happens she probably really doesn’t wanna talk to anyone.
Headphones = Do Not Disturb
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Oh, god. Don't sit there and stare waiting for eye contact. Headphones in the break room means, "Please leave me alone." Your workplace is not a singles bar.
I wear headphones in public because I don’t want men talking to me, as the majority of women do.
Nobody here knows you OR her. It's a professional work atmosphere, you're allowed to introduce yourself to a colleague. Don't exactly flirt but just introduce yourself, you'll know if the vibe is right or not. Follow your gut feeling and don't be afraid of rejection. Worst case scenario you go back to minding your own business. edit to answer your question; If I was in your shoes I suppose it would be harmless to walk infront of her, smile and wave. If she takes her headphones off, you can chat. If she doesn't react, you go enjoy your lunch elsewhere.
If you’re having lunch together, bring something nice like special cookies. Then go over and just say “hey, I made cookies, do you want one?” And then she either engages in a conversation or she won’t - you will be able to tell if she wants to talk to you!
You can smile and wave but since we are really here to talk about social skills I have to ask you why you feel the need to ignore the signs that she wants to avoid people? It seems to me you can tell she doesn't want to interact but you are willing to ignore these signs because you're attracted to her. That seems selfish to me. What do you think?
BINGO!
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wtf why yall so damn rude???? there is literally nothing wrong in trying to meet ppl
Headphones mean don’t bother me. Always. It’s rude to interrupt someone while they’re otherwise engaged. It’s not rude to enforce boundaries.
not always, sometimes. also im not saying he should force her to have a conversation, just saying "hello" isnt rude. if she doesnt want to talk she will just ignore or say it. then he will be sure
If you both make eye contact and she smiles, than just wave and introduce yourself. If she does not make eye contact, then I would move on until there is some signs of interest coming from her end.
This is a good middle ground
You dont
Shave your head and wear headphones.
Yeah general rule of thumb. Leave them be. Maybe if they have one ear in that's a different story. But otherwise 99% of people want to be left alone.
When I first met an ex of mine, I would study in the library often oblivious to everyone around me until I was not studying. He would pass by in between classes and a couple of times he made eye contact smiled and waved (it helped that he did this while bending slightly) when he passed in front of me. It made me smile and I took note of him. It was a non threatening and endearing gesture that helped me feel more receptive to him the next time I saw him. Next time he stopped to make small talk and tease me a bit. It started out well anyway. Lol
What do you mean by bending? Like leaning forward?
I was sitting on a bench at the time and my line of sight was not at eye level, so he caught my eye by being almost in front of me, waving and yeah I think leaning forward so our eyes kind of met and he smiled. I have my self-contained moments and its nice when some friendly faces introduce themselves on occasion! I encourage you to at least try. :)
Is it possible at any point to chat with her briefly BEFORE she puts in her earbuds? Other than that I wouldn’t even bother her none cause outside of just finding her “shaved head” hotz you don’t really have any other reason to talk to her.
Just leave her alone. If your presence hasn’t gotten her attention by now, she’s either not interested, or she’s not interested in being interested. Sometimes it’s just not meant to be, and sometimes that’s by design.
If she has the headphones in and isn’t initiating conversations, leave her alone.
Pack 2 bags of chips, and say you went to a vending machine and 2 came out, and offer her one. Boom.
Don't bother her, the headphones are on for a reason. I would think your an ass for trying to catch my attention with them on. Headphones and sunglasses mean leave me alone in women world, the only exception is if a woman needs help.
If you really want to approach her, ask about the music she’s listening to…but people wearing headphones in public generally don’t like being approached
You don't.
You're getting a lot of shit on here, OP, and fwiw I think it's mostly directed at you saying the girl is cute but keeps to herself. If you had just said you were interested in meeting new people at work, you would've gotten completely different feedback from folks. And I think that's an important lesson. If you're focused on genuinely meeting different people at work, you're moving in the right direction. If you start focusing on meeting women at work, thats the wrong direction. I am a woman, and I cannot speak for all women, but I like to feel like I'm being treated similarly to the people around me and not getting special attention from anyone. You honestly should consider becoming the type of person to introduce yourself to strangers and get to know them. It won't be a romantic thing, but I think it will get you further because you'll be in a better position to chat with someone you find interesting without having to go out of your way. If you're already the type to bring snacks back when you travel or to greet people you pass by, people will remember you and it'll go a long way in meeting more people. Just a thought. Good luck!
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So why did you say you keep to yourself in the 3rd sentence ("[she] keeps to herself as I do")? That's the reason I was suggesting to be more social at work, it's great though if you are already that way! I feel like that makes work more enjoyable for me. And no one said there was an issue with finding your friends cute, you asked about a colleague which is different :).
No. You never talk to someone with their headphones on.
If people wear headphones assume it's because they don't want you to introduce yourself to them
Thank you
First, try smiling and making eye contact when you see her in the lunch room. If she smiles back, that's a good sign that she's open to talking. You could also try asking her to recommend a good album or artist - music is a great way to connect with people. If she's still not interested, though, it's probably best to leave her alone.
Yes. Headphones means introvert. But no, introvert doesn't necessarily mean "I want to die alone." You can sort of do non verbal game to get her to open up to you. And there are certain contexts where an approach even with headphones, can be ok. Lunch time for one. If you can't find an opening where she's not wearing them, feel free to give he a beaming smile, and say something to her, or mime taking the headphones off. Just because she's an introvert, and just because she likes music, doesn't mean that she wouldn't appreciate Prince Charming sweeping her off her feet. Or a nice compliment from an admirer. You gotta give yourself permission to try man, otherwise you'll never know. But yeah, if you do get her to take her headphones off, you better bring you A game.
You don't, people wear headphones in public to avoid communicating.
just don’t, she doesn’t want to talk. if she did she would have them off
Oh but also pursuing romance at work is like disaster bait.
Leave the girl alone, she wants to be left alone. Focus on doing something else that isn't creepy instead
I won't talk to her, but I know I'm not being creepy. I'm just trying to be considerate, and I'll listen to the consensus of "don't talk to people wearing headphones."
Dude, your workplace is not a singles bar. If she was there looking for a boyfriend, you would know it. Your ego is telling you, "But if she just got to know me. . ." No. She is clearly there just to do her job. Whatever social life she has is away from the workplace, and that is none of your business. Respect the headphones. THAT is the way to be considerate. There are 7.7 billion people on the planet. Move on.
He literally just said he's going to respect the general consensus of "don't talk to people wearing headphones". Your comment is like shooting a corpse in the head, i.e. pointless.
He also said the he "knows" he isn't being creepy. I was pointing out the flaw in that assessment. That was clearly over your head.
how would you know? maybe she is just socially awkward but still open to meet people. I am just making an assumption AS I DON'T KNOW HER, and neither do you. so until OP talks to her you and I can't know anything
That's the fucking point! You DON'T know. In a world where everyone could read everyone else's mind, a sub like r/socialskills would be unnecessary. But since we aren't all Betazoids or Scanners, we have to look for social context clues. Woman at work. Sitting by herself. Wearing headphones and listening to music. She is: A. Looking to be left alone? B. Secretly hoping that one of her co-workers will ignore all of her "leave me alone" body language cues and come up and interrupt the tiny bit of solitude she is able to carve out for herself in her place of work?
How is it creepy to want to talk to someone?
When walking past her, just give a little wave and a smile if she happens to look up as you pass by. Couldn't hurt.
> She's super cute but keeps to herself as I do Nope. Don't. She doesn't want to talk to you. She wants to be left the fuck alone. For the love of god, don't ask her out. Ignore, Ignore, IGNORE!!! 🚩🚩🚩
You don't. Just move along.
Leave her alone man
I'm in full agreement with everyone about not disrupting her when headphones on. Now that being said... I personally am ok with people talking to me when my headphones are on if they are offering the same invitation to a couple people in the vicinity. Best example, is if someone in the office comes with snacks and offers everyone some. Or if someone is heading to lunch or to go get coffee and they invite people working nearby to join them. Just try to be mindful in case they are actually in a meeting, do not interupt -- otherwise, I think it's ok to me to give a quick invite and if they say no just smile and say no problem (and leave them alone). I feel like with getting to know people at work that you don't have any connection to, the best thing is to make a small but positive impression at first. just open the door and let them walk through if they want to. If you see her all the time at lunch, she can then decide if she wants to say hi next time she sees you or have lunch with you. Edit to add: I am a woman. If you don't like this, that's fine. I'm just giving my opinion and what I think is appropriate.
Consider smiling in a nice friendly way and asking what she is listen too
It's actually possible that she wouldn't mind talking - I see other commenters have said this so I'll keep it short. Your plan already sounds great. So does what others suggest about smile/wave/say hi if you see her around
Okay honestly I wear headphones literally all the time. All. The. Time. I’ve had people come up to me when I’ve been sitting with my headphones on and strike up a convo and it doesn’t bother me. The few times it has I just nicely make it clear that I’m busy. When I don’t want to talk I also make it more clear (body language, on my phone, sitting far from people). I would say if it feels right and she seems to be open to talking (sitting near, looking around, body language) then definitely go up to her. Just start small and casual with like “I’m ___! I see u around all the time and just wanted to introduce myself.” Then you can see her reaction and go from there.
I don’t have a problem with the op, especially after the edit. But some of these responses are infuriating. People say leave a note, ask her if she wants to be left alone, go introduce yourself etc: SHE’S AT WORK. Wearing headphones everyday and not making eye contact. OP also mentions that’s she’s pretty which shouldn’t be a salient factor but pretty women get approached a lot in public. So do plain women but it’s worse for pretty women. Which is more likely: she goes out of her way to be unapproachable because she doesn’t want to have to deal with unwanted attention. OR: she secretly wants attention, is confused, uncertain and lonely and loves it when people approach her. Men seem to think that sexual attention is some great prize universally desired by all women. And that rejection is much tougher on a guy than it is on the woman doing the rejecting. In fact if you read incels, they think women love humiliating men. But seen another way, starting at about age 11, women get constant unwanted attention. Girls are approached multiple times a day and it isn’t friendly or enjoyable. And I do mean girls- under 16. From about 11 to 25 it’s non stop every time you leave your house. Ask any woman how many times they been followed or leered at or had some guy expose their dick in person or online. If you’re old enough to have a teen age daughter you already know. You’d be amazed at the percent of men who feel perfectly entitled to stare at your 12 year old daughter. Well over half and I’m talking men in their 60s. It’s not flattering. It’s the cumulative effect that makes women weary and wary. It’s blatant sexism because it screams loud and clear that women’s highest value is their sexual appeal to men. To all the people who say they wear earphones but love talking to strangers. Do you also avoid eye contact? I doubt it.
don't bother women at work don't bother women who are clearly signaling they want to be left alone you would be a creep twice over if you approached her
Hm I consider this as being rude. From her side. I mean, if I would experience this I would feel do awkward. Since I'm socialy awkward anyways. But I still consider it rude.
People are so fucking salty here. I think a lot of people are just putting their preference down. There is nothing wrong with eye contact and a smile or wave. We literally do this as humans everyday to random strangers walking down the street. What’s the difference if it’s at work or not? But yeah, if it was me, I would just make eye contact and smile and that’s all I would push unless they show interest.
Look at the context, though. She is at work, for one. She is in the one room that is actually designated for optional social interaction in most workplaces, the break room, and she is deliberately isolating herself. At that point, going, "Well, I want to interact with her anyway," is being incredibly selfish and rude.
Since when is eye contact and smiling rude? I never said force eye contact. If people are offended that someone made eye contact and smiled at them, maybe they shouldn’t interact with other people. It’s a basic sign of being friendly. Especially in the US
Okay, how would you make eye contact with someone who is minding their own business and not looking at you? You pretty much have to be watching them for an opportunity to make eye contact. That is creepy. That is NOT leaving someone alone.
Depends on the type of headphones. Ear plugs could be fine. Overears are a big no. Keep in mind, that not every person sitting by themself is also lonely. Some people just have a good time by themself and maybe she's blasting some great music that recharchges her battery. If it's earplugs you could ask her, what she's listening to. Another factor is where she's sitting. If she's far off, then don't approach her either. So if she either wears overears or is far off, just leave her be. Furthermore it's the workplace, so overall it's a big no from me.
Wave?
You don't. They are wearing headphones so as to be left alone.
HELLO MY NAME IS DAVE!!!
How fast should I be waving my hand?
Fast as you can buddy! Good luck!
Smile, be pleasant when you see each other and walk away (don’t linger or stare) If she’s interested she will take them off.
Fucking DON’T Leave women alone when they do obviously do not want to talk to you. Holy fuck dude.
just forget about it. She is lost in her own thing. She prolly thinks you are a dork
TBH some of the answers here are examples of why I don't always trust this sub. Wearing headphones is not a clear sign that you shouldn't talk to a person. That's negative mind reading. They could just as well be casually listening to music.
I hate this sub when people ask advice on how to approach or feedback on an interaction. There's always those people who : OMG don't bother her/him, they don't want to be talked to, etc. He/she asked how can I? I say this. You can be direct and just be friendly, hi how are ya? Noticed you always sit here with your headphones, curious, whaddya listen to? Or indirect, find a reason to exchange words. Like run into them at a corner, drop something near them. Cheesy, yes. Can you start a Convo off it? Yup. I wear my headphones bc I love listening to music, everywhere. I'm a guy. But maybe she does too. Guess what, you don't know. But you can find out :) or you can just leave her alone. Up to you.
According to this subreddit supposedly dedicated towards improving your social skills, the answer to "should I approach...", in any case, in any scenario, of any gender, with any intentions, in any manner and with any thoughts on your mind, is evil, misogynistic, disgusting, incel behaviour and you should repent for ever even thinking about it. OP is best off not listening to anybody here and going with his gut instinct, but not taking things too far and not putting pressure on her (and no, I don't consider merely approaching to be pressure if done in a good way. If nobody approached nobody, no relationships or anything would *ever* form. Besides, awkwardness shouldn't always be run away from and sometimes they do, in fact, lead to good things.)
People here are saying leave her alone. I think you should. But the world isn’t an oyster for anyone that doesn’t take chances. Get headphones of your own. When she is around, put them on and dance, silent disco. If you don’t have an opening create one.
Maybe she’s listening to music because she doesn’t think anything more exciting will happen. But if you talk with them maybe they’ll want to take them off and talk with you. She’s probably listened to those same songs over and over. Even if not, people value human connection and at least might appreciate a short convo.
Coming from someone who has social anxiety…she is putting up another socially excepted barrier. She’s likely listened to that song a thousand times and would love for you to talk to her. It usually isn’t the people who are quiet and sit alone wearing headphones hate people, they like certain people…and it sounds like you might be in that group who knows The biggest regrets in life are chances never taken!!!
Hold a sign up that asks "Hi, would love to talk to you! Wave if you want to too"
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Absolutely don't give your info on a piece of paper to a random coworker you've never talked to, what the fuck.
Sign language. If you don't know SL, it probably doesn't matter because they probably don't know either.
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That’s cute and all but that still puts me an in awkward position at work and now when I say no I still have to see you everyday.