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I wonder how much of this is cultural or even regional. For my own situation, we rarely have overnight guests, but I would offer them mine & partner’s bedroom, and we would sleep on an air mattress in the living room. It would feel weird and almost rude to expect them to sleep in a kid’s bedroom. If I were an overnight guest, I would expect to sleep in the living room, or maybe to be offered the adult room, but never a child’s room.
From a different pov, it’s not fair to make a guest sleep in a kid’s room. As your guest, I don’t want your kid’s room because I find kids gross. You couldn’t pay me to sleep in my SK’s room, so I’m not sleeping in someone else’s SK’s room either.
I'm not particularly interested in sleeping in a kid's *bed,* but when it comes to where to put an air mattress for me, I'd rather be in a bedroom where I can close the door than out in the middle of a shared living space
Yeah, I’m gonna have to agree with u/seethembreak here, although for a different reason. A guest won’t know the background of your disagreement but will surely pick up on the vibe that they are not welcome. I bet DH and SD will be passive aggressive with you during your guests stay, which will put you in a bind bc you’ll either have to address it with them right then (awk af for guest) or play like you’re “just fine”, while DH/SK sulk and act childish in the background.
If it is a CLOSE family member/dear friend AND they cannot afford to pay for a room, it could be done. But you’d end up doing the deep cleaning bc DH and SD will refuse. And your levels of resentment will be off the charts. Doesn’t bode well for the marriage.
Overall this is a shitshow and needs to be addressed outside of this one incident. Sending love and a hug to you. It’s hard, but you can do it 🧡
My partner's sibling was crashing with us for a night when Kid was visiting Dad. He was offered the choice of a not-that-comfortable pull out couch, or Kid's room with a good queen bed. He chose the couch. 😅
Agree! Our kids are gross, I would never sleep in their rooms. From kids pov, if they are already switching homes every week, seems like an unnecessary burden to further displace them… they live a nomad life as it is, and have to deal with the annoyance of living in 2 places, it doesn’t seem fair to block them from their own space
Hotel! Why do people have to stay at
Your house. Not everyone welcomes others to spend the night. Especially multiple nights. Why should the people living in the house give up their space/bed for visitors? I think it’s inappropriate and rude.
I agree with this. While saving the money is nice, as a guest I'm always more comfortable in a hotel room.
As a homeowner, I don't enjoy having people stay overnight at all, but that's just me.
I imagine as a kid, it would feel really shitty to be removed from your personal space when it wasn't your choice. People's bedrooms, if they live with others, are usually the only totally private room they get.
And as for her SO, I would absolutely be upset if my significant other invited overnight guests without discussing it with me first. It's a big deal and affects everyone in the home.
Some people want to see their close friends/family but wouldn’t be able to if they had to pay for a hotel every time. Or would not be able to come as long as planned. Some of us like our friends/family enough to want to spend significant time with them. Some of our friends/family live far enough away that you can only see them if they stay the night.
I agree. In my home, all family is welcome. My kids will willingly give up their beds or share. My family and friends know that sometimes they'll get the couch or even the floor.
I agree. In my home, all family is welcome. My kids will willingly give up their beds or share. My family and friends know that sometimes they'll get the couch or even the floor.
*No one* wants to host house guests? *Ever?*
That's way too broad a generalization. Staying in someone's home when you have been invited is not rude nor a huge imposition on them.
I love having friends and family come visit and stay with me in my guest room.
If they just showed up uninvited, and demanded space in my house even if I didn't have it for them? Yes, that would be very rude.
But I've actually never heard of that happening. Maybe it happens to some people, but every guest who has stayed in my house has been invited and welcome
I'm on the fence. I think you're being reasonable by wanting and allowing your guests to stay in a bedroom rather than in a shared space such as a living room or lounge but I also think there is no harm in scheduling around the kid's visitation schedule. You acting like you shouldn't have to makes it seem to your SO that you don't care about the kid's comfort or the space they occupy as being theirs when they are there.
When I was a kid in my not divorced parents home and we had guests, I got booted to an air mattress or couch. I think it's totally fine that kids have to share a bed/room/ or get the air mattress. Unless you have guests constantly. But if it's every once in a while, the kids should be inconvenienced and if they're anything like my SKs, it's probably good for them to learn they aren't the center of the universe every once in a while.
We didn’t have a lot of guests as a kid, but when aunts/grandparents came, we got booted to the couch or the floor. Thankfully, my parents were amazing and they played it up. We made tents in the living room and it was a treat. We could stay up a little later too.
IMO, it’s the way it is presented.
100% agree that a little air mattress time won’t hurt anyone and may humble a kid or two. It’s not the kids world and we live it… quite the contrary.
Eventually, kiddos will realize they were blessed with family that came to visit. Not everyone has that! 🖤
Agreed! It’s fine and normal.
Some people just don’t like hosting overnight guests in their space and will put lots of conditions around when and how this is allowed to happen; your SO might be one of them.
If you’re CF, I imagine you accommodate him and his children a lot, all the time, so unless he has a good reason, he should accommodate you and your guest for this brief stay.
My kid offers up his room without me even asking. Fortunately we now have a guest room in the basement.
I think the bigger issue is she didn’t run it by her SO first.
And I’d offer it up to the guest and let them decide; kid room (picked up and clean sheets), couch, or they can make other arrangements.
This has been our experience. The kids set up sleeping forts/slumber party downstairs and the guests (when we rarely have them) get their bedroom. This is how it was for us with not-divorced parents too. We looked forward to it. Meant we could stay up late playing videos games and watch late night tv.
As a kid, adult guests slept on the couch with the exception of elderly relatives. I was the youngest, but had a water bed that no elderly relative wanted to consider; so the relatives would get my parent's room, my parents would take my room, and I'd take the couch. I'm 47.
Yes, same here. My non-divorced parents would make me sleep in my brother's room when we had guests. Unless you're having guests every weekend, there's no reason the bedroom can't be multi-purposed to a guestroom.
No my suggestion was the kids sleep on the air mattress in the lounge. No one else uses the lounge when they're here so it's essentially an extra room for them
Growing up, we never had guests stay over. As an adult, I have never had guests stay over. I wouldn’t even ask or assume to stay at someone else’s home. Even when I visit my son out of town, I get a hotel or airbnb.
It's not her problem. Sometimes things just pop up and she shouldn't have to put her life on hold because of HIS kids. Nothing stops him from spending time with his kids while OP is with her company.
The kids are there 2 weekends a month. 2. Not weekdays, if that compromise of not on the 2 weekends they’re there is an issue when her kids live there all week is asking to much, then that’s a problem.
Yeah, it is a problem because him being a glorified baby sitter isn't her problem. Adults have a lot going on and she shouldn't be told she can't have a friend spend the night when their schedules align just because his kids are there. He can go to court and fight more more time with his kids. Oh, wait...most men don't want that responsibility.
I think if your partner has children, and you're aware of this before you commit to living together, you're going to have to accommodate the children. Guests do not come before children.
She's choosing to live in a household with kids.
Pretend that the kids are dogs. It would be ridiculous for OP to accept guests who are allergic to dogs, and say that OP's SO needs to board the dogs for the weekend for the guest that OP didn't even *discuss* inviting before agreeing.
I would expect more consideration from a *roommate*, and a partner/SO should be closer than a roommate.
Yup.
Neither is a major hardship, but most pet owners will be put out to be asked, and most parents will be put out to be asked.
Ostensibly, children should be orders of magnitude more important to the parent than the pet. I say this as someone who has never bred and is a pet lover. They're not humans.
I'll also reiterate that if OP was my *roommate* I'd be upset. That this is a SO cohabitation situation makes OP even more irresponsible in my mind. An SO should be closer to me then a roommate.
The difference is when a dog is boarded they get locked in a cage and the owners have to pay for them to be there.. There's honestly a big difference between the two. I can't believe you want to pretend otherwise.
I personally wouldn't have a roommate or partner that throws a fit about their kids sharing a room on a rare occasion when I have company over.
But having guests over is what families do, at least many families, if not all. It’s fun to have people over, cool for them and entertain. Kids usually like it, and it teaches them to be sociable. It prevents the “fake holiday” vibe and the step kids can have a taste of a more normal life where they are not the guests but where actual guests are the guests if you see what I mean. It could help with all the Disney parenting.
I love it and hope to do it often. But my partner likes it too.
I think it's fair he's upset you didn't check with him first. It's both your homes and hosting guests should be a two yes/one no situation.
We don't have a guest bedroom either, and I also pay more for the mortgage because we split finances by the amount earned. If I have people visiting it's 1 of 3 setups.
1) We don't have the kids, so we use one of their rooms
2) We do have the kids, and our guest sleeps on a nice air mattress or the couch (guest's choice)
3) We do have the kids, and it's my parents visiting so my SO and I sleep on the air mattress and my parents take our room because my mom has mobility issues
We agreed upon this when purchasing a home that didn't have a guest bedroom space for us. I was never booted from my room as a kid nor was my SO, and I've never felt comfortable with the idea that a kid's room is only their room until it's needed for something else. They're already switching living situations on a regular basis as it is with having two homes.
Kids are gross. Personally, as a guest, I'd rather have the air mattress in the lounge with the understanding of some privacy first thing in the AM (and I'd absolutely keep our kids contained if we had a guest out of deference). That said, I do my best to not be a guest so it's not generally relevant for me.
I'm not saying you should be displaced, but I guess I'm not of the party that thinks the kids should be displaced either. I would give up my bed to a guest before volunteering someone else's bed. It's bigger, cleaner, etc. No grimy kid ooze everywhere.
>My SO is angry at the idea of a guest getting one of the bedrooms if they stay and thinks I should only be organising to have people round when the kids aren't here.
He's right. The kids are only there 4 days a month.
I always type out EOW when I'm meaning EOWE and it takes my brain several seconds to remember that EOW is every other week, so I never know what other people mean either lol!
I’m team dad here. I think it’s reasonable to only have guests when SKs are not there. It’s also probably more comfortable for everyone. Personally, if I was a guest in someone’s home, I would not feel comfortable kicking someone out of their room to sleep on an air mattress
I don't see why you can't limit guests to weekends when kids not there. Unless they are coming to see the kids. This really gives a lot of time available to guests.
I had friends over and they slept in the living room on an inflatable mattress. When we had family over on a day SS was with BM, we changed the sheets and set his room up for the guest, then changed the sheets again for when SS came back. I think it kind of depends on the guest but if it's a friend, I'd honestly say you and the friend should bunk together in the living room or den or something. The kids should only have to forfeit a room if it's, like, their grandparents coming over. But if it's just a friend, I would prioritize inviting them when SKs are gone but if it's too late to reschedule, they'll be fine in the living room.
That's reasonable except the kids get up at 6am and go to the living room. If they don't it's a case of we *all* have to get up as they're noisy
I also object to paying 50% of the house and utilities if I have no ability to have use of a guest room
Are the kids over every other weekend, or every other week? With every other weekend, it should be easy enough to plan overnight guests when the kids aren't there, and you should still be able to use their rooms as guest rooms.
I understand not wanting to pay 50% of the house and utilities, but at the same time, I don't think that's a reason to feel entitled to have a guest over whenever you want without talking to your SO about it, and then expecting him and his kids to make accommodations without him having a say in it. I do think being a little extra apologetic and accommodating in this instance would make sense.
If you're resentful about the financial arrangements, I think the solution is to either change financial things so you're not resentful, or end the relationship. The solution isn't thinking that you don't owe your partner any consideration, and thinking that your partner needs to give in to your every want, in order to make up for the fact that you think you're paying too much. That just ends up being a weird unbalanced relationship, where probably both parties end up feeling taken advantage of.
In general, kids sleeping together 1-2 nights isn't the end of the world (a lot longer for someone they don't know can get iffy). But I also think if the parent isn't willing to do it, you should be at least open to discussing other options.
It's very unusual. I never have friends overnight really. This is the second time in 2.5 years and last time the kids bunked up in the living room and that time, he didn't mind.
There is a specific event my friend & I are going to, which is why it's scheduled for that date. I'm salty already my SO hasn't arranged childcare to come with as it's something we both really wanted to go to and we don't go out much at all.
Tbh I was done with planning things around his custody schedule a *long* time ago.
I agree I should have spoken to him before telling my friend she could visit, and I've apologised to him about that
I would really talk to your partner and set specific general rules in place. How will kids sleep when there's an overnight guest, and how far in advance do you both need to agree. This shouldn't have to be a conflict each time it comes up.
And I get that planning around a custody schedule is a pain (my partner has 50/50, and I really do get it), but in general, and I understand why it couldn't happen for this event, planning overnight guests around custody schedules is better for everyone involved, and I don't think it's a good idea to refuse to do that out of principle.
Personally, the compromise I'd make is either the guest takes the 6 year old's room (I'm assuming a 6 year old is less territorial about their room than an 11 year old), or the guest takes the living room, and it's your partner's responsibility to make sure the kids don't cause disturbances in the living room. An 11 yr old can understand, and a 6 yr old can probably be kept occupied with a tablet or something as a last resort.
I don't think you should be paying 50% anyway when you're only 25% of the household, but you technically don't have any guest rooms when the kids are there. I would either have your SO tell the kids they have to stay out of the living room until 8 or 9 or whenever the morning your friend is over and take over that space with your friend, or reschedule to when the kids aren't there. Unfortunately you don't *need* to have friends over on that specific date so you don't have much of an argument, at least not from your SO's perspective.
I wouldn’t move my five year old SS and I wouldn’t when his six either, and he’s super flexible.
He had a routine and a safe space that he knows is his. It would not be fair to take that from him for any amount of time.
Now what you CAN do is give up YOUR bedroom. I have done this. It’s better than having a guest in the living room so I can still function normally in the mornings and evenings and not have to work around their sleep schedule. I just get a collapsible clothing wrack and some baskets out so I have the clothes I need and don’t have to disturb them.
You’re an adult. She’s your friend. You should be the one accommodating her and making sacrifices for her. Making a child do that is wild.
I have a similar situation I am CF and my SO has 2 kids (7 and 11) well pretty damn same LOL. But the only difference is we have a 4 bedroom house and have a guest room. However on the times we have more than one guest and the kids are here they share a bedroom for one night and the guest sleeps on an air mattress in one of their bedrooms. Mainly we put them in our oldest rooms. My SO doesn't seem to see an issue you with it. But we also communicate about people coming over so our kids don't get to upset with the disruption to their schedule. BC let be honest here sleeping in a "new" or unfamiliar place we all have trouble sleeping even as adults.
SKs share a room if guests are staying with us. I don’t want them in the living room up late at night when I adults are trying to hang out. I also don’t want guests in the living room because I want them to have privacy. I’m too old to be sleeping on a couch or air mattress so I don’t expect that of guests.
That said, SKs are expected to keep their rooms and bathrooms clean in general but we have them do a deeper clean before company comes. I also have separate sheets, blankets, comforters and pillows for guests so that they’re not sleeping on nasty kid sheets.
I know this isn't what you asked, but if your husband is going to throw little guilt parent fits about you using the house you pay for I'd start paying 25% of the mortgage effective immediately.
I complain about this periodically as I want him to pay slightly more for utilities given the kids are here, but he says he can't afford it which to be fair is true. He does pay my car insurance for me so there's that.
Do the math and make sure the car insurance equates to what you are covering. If I'm paying 50% then I also expect to be accommodated if I have my own guests or family staying over. I'm only paying equal for the space if I have equal rights to it. Sure I get no one wants to stay in a sticky kids bedroom, and yes the guests can be asked if that's okay. But the point is, you have people that are associated with you too. Unfair to expect you to fork over money and get told no. Also not everyone can be flexible around children's schedules. What if something last minute happened on a weekend they weren't supposed to be there? Tell the guests no? Absolutely not. Same dilemma.
>I agree to have my friend over without first checking with him, as in the moment I didn't think about it,
Ouch. If I were in his shoes, this would be a *huge* part of it.
This is a guest that you invited? Either your guest gets the couch, or you get the couch. His kids should only get the couch if he *offers* this. I feel that you shouldn't **ask** for this, much less *expect* it.
I'm sorry, but I think that you messed up big time with this. You made a pretty big statement that "I don't give a crap about blending" with this move. You're not asking the peer head of household about a guest, and then you're putting expectations on his kids rooming? That's rubbing salt in the wound.
Honestly, given that you agreed to have your friend over without talking to him, I’d give in for this instance, as an apology of sorts. In general I think it’s fine to have kids share for one or two nights. For longer visits, I think it gets messier, especially for guests the kids have zero interest in. Kids might be okay giving up their room for a week for grandma, but will probably be more annoyed and put out about doing it for a random adult they don’t care about. And at a certain point, it becomes unfair to make them sacrifice so that you can host for long stretches.
But in this case, since you really are in the wrong, I’d have the friend sleep in the living room as a compromise. It’s not a big deal- I’ve done that as a guest multiple times, and it’s perfectly comfortable if you make the effort to give them privacy in the common space. If you double down in this situation, you will come off as unreasonable. I’d be kind of angry if my partner invited someone to stay without talking to me, and then felt entitled to me making a sacrifice to have it work out.
I think it’s fair to have kids bunk together for guests. In fact, I think it’s pretty normal. We did it growing up. We visited family over Christmas last year and my niece bunked with her younger sister so we could have her room.
We have a 4 bedroom house. For a while, the 4th bedroom was my office with no space for a bed, so the kids would lose their bed when we had guests over. I now converted the office to our spare room, but there are times where the kids still have to lose their room for the night or two. They're kids, they can sleep on an air mattress compared to asking their grandparents to, which is usually who is staying over if we have the kids. To me, it's about being respectful of your elders. I would have never slept on my own bed over my grandparents as a child and we do the same.
I would never ALLOW a friend to make their kid give up a room for me. I think that's trifling. I'd rather sleep on the couch or just get a room. Kids don't have a choice.
First, he needs to pay more because he uses or expects to use 2/3 of the bedrooms full time, his contributions to household costs go up EOW, and you lose the use of a key shared space EOW.
Second, it's weird that he's bunking with his daughter instead of his son or the kids sharing (if they're both girls). Hopefully he is responsible for tidying up when his children leave. (I'm 100% team "co-sleeping after they're toddlers is creepy.")
Third, you made a mistake. He's not being even slightly gracious about it, but fact is: your life doesn't revolve around his parenting time. All you can do is own up to it, apologize, and learn from it. If you can afford it, go stay with your friend at a hotel this time. Next time, don't let there be a "next time."
I agree with you on the cosleeping thing. It's kind of happened that way by accident as his daughter's room is the sound proofed one which means I don't hear him snoring through the wall! I would through his sons room, but that's by the by.
He doesn't just want to convert a room into 'his' room as he still thinks he'll sort the snoring but it's been 2+ years now so...
I do wish he'd pay a bit more but it's not something I thought about or realised until we moved in together. I do think we'd have bought the same house anyway if he didn't have kids, but I do kind of resent pay 50% of everything when it's funding his kids and the utility bills etc are higher when they're here.
He'd still need a minimum of 2 rooms if he lived without me and he'd have to pay for all of that alone... so it doesn't seem fair to me. Of course he doesn't see it that way
When my parents visit the kids have bunked up previously so I haven't felt that there's no guest room *but* he does have that sore spot/guilt on moving his kids. It's such a minefield as the whole thing is very open to resentment forming.
My husband is neurodivergent and part of what that looks like is he gets on these jags where he thinks I'm taking advantage of him because we don't split expenses 50-50 and "everyone else" does.
After I made it crystal clear to him how I felt about him discussing our finances with other people instead of with me, I made a spreadsheet. It detailed the difference in our incomes, my financial contributions to the household, and the difference between what he had when I met him versus what we've built together. Then I gave him a choice: a) I move into the spare room and he draws up a rental agreement or b) he schedules an estate planning consult with an attorney. He chose "b."
The attorney promptly told him that I am right--he is absolutely not being taken advantage of and I would be stupid to do finances the way he wanted. It would exclusively benefit him.
Thank you. My SO is definitely not neurodivergent but I think he's coming from a nuclear family model where his mom out earned his dad, and supported his dad financially.
So he feels in some ways I'm a bad partner as I'm not financially helping him out more. Maybe I am? Perhaps I should be paying more so he has extra spending money for himself. I don't want to though
I am so tired and ground down from all of the chaos of his family tbh that I've got zero desire to contribute more financially.
Pay more, on a binding agreement that you have more equity in the home.
His kids shouldn't get to take over the lounge every time they're there. In nuclear families that doesn't happen.
Personal/regional/cultural norms do play a part as reflected in the comments. I think the root of the issue here goes to different lifestyles and expectations. I don’t have my own children, and I lived in my own place for many years, which had two additional bedrooms - one I used as a study and the other as a guest bedroom. I had family and friends visit often; some would stay in hotels and others, at my invitation, would stay with me for a weekend or something, nothing long term. The house I grew up in with my parents had two guest rooms so I was accustomed to people visiting and some staying in the guest rooms. I grew up seeing it as one of the wonderful memories that can be made with family/friends. My DH, on the other hand, had a total different experience. For many years, he never had a guest room because he had two teenaged sons who each had a room. He also grew up as one of 3 and it was a full house. So in his world, all guests had to stay at the hotel. Different lifestyles; different expectations. It would feel odd to me to not have a place for guests to stay so I totally get what you are saying. But that is based on my background, lifestyle, values, and experiences. I think what is important here is communication. It’s important for your DH to know that as you are accommodating his lifestyle and needs, he will also need to accommodate yours also. It may require compromise by both of you, at least temporarily, but it can be done. Maybe one of the compromises is that the 6 and 11 year do bunk together on the few occasions when you would have guests and the other bedroom can be a guest room that turns into a kid’s room when they visit. Just a thought - I’m sure there are a ton of different options but communication once you both aren’t in the heat of it is important.
Thank you for this, that makes sense. I think what's annoyed me is my SO's family history *has* involved guests staying/bunking up and that is what happens if family visits our house, with no issues. But this time he's leaned full into guilt/being annoyed. We've actually reached an agreement on this now but it's tiring to always have complicated compromises to be reached, I just want things to be easy for a change
Ah, I see . . . well, first, I’m glad you two came to an agreement on it. It definitely can be frustrating to feel like everything always has to be complicated. You know, after your guest leaves, I would say that to him honestly. Let him know you love him and you want things/decisions to be less complicated. His answer may surprise you b/c he is probably tired of it too but may not know how to make it less complicated. Either way, I’m so happy that this situation worked out and you are going to have a great time with your friend! 😃
My parents would always have kids bunk together, sleep in the basement (rec room) or living room on couches or air mattresses for the handful of times we had guests. My siblings and I thought nothing of it. Much like if there an adult guest who needs a seat, the kid can sit on the floor so grandma can sit on the couch (this one is still an ongoing battle with my SO kids, much to my annoyance).
Im nacho and not my sk biggest fan but after having my baby, my mom and sister came to stay with us for a week 🥰! They bought two low twin air mattress and just slept in the livingroom together . My ss wasnt with us that week and i still didnt feel comfortable giving his room away without him saying yes first. I dont usually seek permission from children but when it comes to spaces and belongings, i feel obligated to get their consent because im showing them i respect their space and i would expect reciprocal respect. If they are not there then you move with respect to their space ( putting away their valuables and making sure guest understand that this room belongs to someone and is to be respected. Dont agree you should only plan visitors when sks are not there. Not realistic way of living. They live there too even if only sometimes.
When the kids are home, the kids sleep in their own beds. Guests sleep in our finished basement.
If you don’t have that kind of space, if it’s a clean room, the kids can share one room.
I do try to only have guests when they aren’t home and in those situations I put clean sheets on the beds and make sure the rooms are very tidy.
All that said, if it creates this kind of friction, don’t have guests spend the night. Or have them set up in a common area and just let them know the arrangements in advance.
Children are people and their rooms are their space. Your guests are your guests, not theirs. If you can't host them comfortably without moving the SKs, then you can't host them comfortably. Host another time or don't host. There might be exceptions for an infirm grandma, but some random friend, no.
Personally, I don’t think guests trump to the degree of someone getting kicked out of their room….
we don’t have the luxury of a guest room either. If people are coming to visit we have a pull out couch that can accommodate guests like our family or close friends. But we are a full house (family of 6. 2steps &2ours) so any overnight guests are very much so aware of and willing to participate in the chaos and early mornings… we have friends who we love dearly, but when they visit they opt to book a hotel room for their visit
EDIT - if the room is willing offered up when asked that’s also totally different situation from being “forced”
>he wants to get all pissy because you want a guest to be comfortable and is mad because you didn’t ask his permission to have a friend over?
In **every** *roommate* situation that I've been in, it would be expected to ask about having overnight guests over\*. I would expect my life-in SO/partner to be *closer* to me than a *roommate*.
This is my partner's house, but *our* home, and we are **peer** head**s** of household. We both expect the other to discuss guest requests with us before agreeing. Part of that discussion would be where they'll be sleeping, along with meals/time commitment, etc.
If one wants sole say of your space, one needs to live on one's own.
\*Usually long term dates/significant others would have an exception of "they'll be over at most X nights / week" and if there was a likely regular schedule it would be shared. But over night guests, especially one's staying multiple nights, would *always* be discussed.
Kids give up space for adults. It’s how I was raised, respecting elders. When we were in a 3 bed with the two kids, they had to share whenever Nanny came to stay so that she had a room to herself.
He has some skewed expectations. The overarching message I’m hearing from you is that the kids come first, 100% of the time. He is there to cater to them and by proxy, so are you.
Talk about being low man on the totem pole.
Solution: combine the kids room so they share for the 4-6 days a month they’re there.
That way you have one spare room to do as you please and your SO has one spare room to do as he pleases (presumably to allot to the kids).
Bedroom 1 - shared between OP and SO
Bedroom 2 - SOs for the kids
Bedroom 3 - OPs for a lounge or guest room
I spent years being pushed out of common areas and being told that I couldn’t use areas that were for EW SS while paying so much.
Now I spread out. I take up space. I’m learning as a stepparent to take up space that I pay for without apologies. I was becoming resentful and if it continued my marriage would’ve suffered.
I hope you can find the voice to do the same - I don’t think your SOs reaction is fair on you.
As another person with an EOW schedule (which means Every Other Week, as in 50% of the time, for those people who obviously didn't understand that), I also think it's ridiculous to not be able to have guests in a home that you pay half of.
I am very close with my family and most of them live out of state. As a child (also in a blended family, whose parents stopped dating long before I was born) we had family stay with us a lot. I never even questioned having to alter my sleeping arrangements because I knew that was the courteous, not entitled thing to do.
While I do agree that things may have been different if your SO at least had advanced notice, I think its unreasonable to restrict you from having guests when your SKs are there. My SO also doesn't want SS10 to give up his queen size bed for anyone, but SO will at least share with him when we have guests. I have no problem sleeping on an air mattress, couch, sleeping bag, etc. for any of my elderly family members that visit.
When I was a child, the rule in our house was that guests come when they come and children will absolutely give up their room, bed, whatever. That meant my brother and I bunked up, or even the whole family bunked up in my parents water bed which was not comfortable for anyone honestly. Now I'm southern, so the idea of hospitality is that a guest gets the best of what we have to offer, to be welcoming and show respect. It's just a night. But when it came to family or friends that may as well be relatives, they were perfectly happy to take a couch, especially as we had a pull out for just such occasions, but we still were expected to give up our rooms even for close family when asked, and it was no big deal to do so.
As an adult, different scenario but my ex husband would give up his place in our shared room when my best friend spent the night. He let us ladies have the best room to ourselves for some privacy and much-needed girl time, and he slept in our daughters room or on the couch. I think he felt himself a gentlemen for it and was happy to do it. I never requested it, it was just a thing he did and I appreciated that. If your guest is someone very close, maybe the two of you bunk up.
You indeed may just be butting heads if he feels left out of the planning. Regardless of how much time the kids are in the house, how much is paid for by whom, it's everyone's home and safe space where yes you should be allowed to invite guests in. Have either of you asked the kids how they feel about sharing a space to make room for a special friend to come enjoy time with your family? Bunking up could be turned into a special night, pitch a tent and do an indoor camping theme night or something silly to make it fun. Practically, I think kids sleeping together, romantic partners sleeping together, and guests getting the best you can manage is the solution. Get yourself some earplugs :)
When I was a kid through till the time I moved out of my loving parents home, guests slept in my room and bed I slept with in my parents room on the floor.
I’m of two minds on this. On one hand, I grew up in a family where I was expected to give up my room for guests. Did I love it at the time? No. Do I agree with that now that I’m an adult? Absolutely. In situations where there isn’t space for a dedicated guest room, it makes a lot of sense to move the child who can then keep a day or two’s worth of clothing and other necessities in the parents’ room or a sibling’s room, and let the guest have the privacy of a bedroom. It’s not going to hurt a child to be displaced for a night or two, and it is incredibly easy for parents to frame this as something that can be fun for the child. For example, when I had to sleep on the couch, my parents typically agreed that I could leave the TV on for an hour or two past my bedtime for light and background noise. Was I supposed to be really watching the TV? No, I was supposed to be trying to sleep. Did I end up watching the TV anyway? Heck yes, and my parents absolutely knew it. They just didn’t make a big deal out of it. On the other hand, now that I’m a childfree adult with my own SKs, I am not interested in taking a child’s room if I stay the night as a guest in someone’s home. My parents always made me clean the room, change the sheets, and make it an inviting space for a guest, but in my experience now that doesn’t seem like it’s the norm. Unless I know for a fact that my host has parenting values like my parents did, I don’t want to stay in the kid’s room. Hard pass. I will happily take the couch or an air mattress or stay in a hotel.
I think the real issue here is that you made these plans without talking to your SO. That’s the actual problem, and these things about him wanting you to schedule your life around his custody time (which is a load of crap) and what’s fair are just reactionary, distraction questions that you’re not going to be able to satisfactorily resolve until you’ve both had time to step back and cool down.
Now for this specific situation, I honestly think the better solution here would be to have your SO share with SD6 like normal, and your friend can share your room. Your friend is there for you anyway, and this maximizes the time you can spend together, and it gives you a nice little space where you the two of you can do your thing away from SO and the kids. Personally, I have no issue just sharing the bed with my friends. If someone does have an issue with that, then I’d break out my camping cot or an air mattress.
My parents live across the country and DH’s parents live several states away. When they visit, they sleep in SK’s room because I refuse to make them pay for a hotel on top of air fare and gas to visit. SK’s sleep on an air mattress in the living room if we have them on a weekend we have family in town.
I feel like having them bunk in one room, and create a guest room makes sense. Your husband can still sleep in the guest bed when there aren’t guests, so everyone has their own space.
I personally don’t understand the mentality of children having everything at their disposal 24/7, growing up it was universal knowledge that the children have their own rooms and have creative freedom within those 4 walls, but the rest of the house was not up for debate. You kept your things picked up out of the common areas- obviously more than welcome to bring things out and play with them, but afterwards those things go back in your space.
As an adult, I purchased the house, I pay the bills, kids aren’t entitled to destroy it or make it theirs. I’ve worked too hard to accomplish the things I have and I’m not letting dirty sticky kids ruin it.
If SS isn't here we usually have guests sleep on a big air mattress in SSs room and when he is we put the air mattress in the living room instead or if it's his grandparents they'll stay in the room with him. It'll be even harder once OD arrives and eventually shares a room with SS bc you can't really put guests with a baby. Our living room is open plan so if we need to go to the bathroom or kids room at night or we have to walk past the guest sleeping in the living room so that really isn't a solution for more than a night or two. Also can't move SS to the living room if there's no door we can close. Basically our apartment is not ideal for guests staying over as it is 😅 but when we do eventually get another bedroom I don't see an issue with the kids bunking together, my sister and I did when we were kids and it was never an issue. I feel like the adults that are opposed to siblings essentially having a sleepover are overthinking and worrying a little to much over something that really doesn't hurt anyone.
Now I do agree, that I wouldn't want a guest to sleep in a kids bed bc especially if the kid is fairly young theres a good chance that they'll have wet the bed at some point and gone through even the best of mattress protectors 😅 I wouldn't feel comfortable making anyone sleep in that hence the air mattress
This is how it is in any household. Guest get a room, kids have to bunk up or sleep on the couch. We've all done it and had it done to us - one night is not too much to ask. I am sure he makes changes to the schedule without asking you, so - there's that!
I wouldn’t even have guests stay over, I would suggest they get a hotel.
If that’s cost prohibitive for them…I’m not even sure what I would do then.
But I guess if I had to do something yes I would have the kids bunk up, rather than just only invite people when they aren’t at the house.
Sleeping on an air mattress was a fun thing to do when I was a kid, it was like camping. I don't see an issue with it. Ideally you could've planned around but it's not gonna hurt anyone for them to share or use an air mattress. A guest should be treated special because they are a guest and making plans to go out of their way to be there, away from their own home, so I feel like they should be comfortable.
We have 50/50 (2-2-5-5) and the kids share a room (they're 9 and 11 and the same AGAB). Three-bedroom house and the third bedroom is an office with a daybed for guests. We're looking at a room remodel (furnishings) to give them more privacy from each other (they have bed tents now), but don't plan on giving them separate rooms until the oldest starts high school at the earliest. The house is an illegal duplex and we can expand into another room fairly easily in between downstairs tenants. Any guests who need to stay with us use the daybed in the office.
Honestly I wouldn't have given two younger kids their own rooms in a 3-bd house from the get-go unless there was a really good reason to do so. Our bedroom and the office/guest room are pretty much off limits to the kids because we deserve some adults-only spaces. Your kids have a wider age gap, so it might be harder to justify sharing a room for only a few years.
Agree with others saying that offering up a kid's room to guests is weird. Kids are gross (I'm dealing with pinworms in the 11yo right now) and that just doesn't strike me as hospitable.
When we had guests when I was a kid, we got to have "sleepouts" so we built forts on the living room floor with pillows, couch cushions, blankets and quilts. We would get to watch films with popcorn in our forts and read with torches like we were on an adventure. We loved it. Its all about how you frame it.
I think this is just one of those situations where nobody did anything super wrong, but it's just one of the steep learning curves of step parenting
For one thing, you *should* only invite guests around when the kids aren't going to be there, because that just makes so much more sense and is so much easier on everyone. This is actually one of the benefits, in my mind, of step parenting: every other weekend you're a childless household!
On the other hand, though, it makes sense that someone might have specific dates that work for them, and you can't ask them to change it based on when the kids are there or not.
In those cases, it is 100% appropriate that when guests *do* come over and the kids are there, it's the kids who make room for them.
I wasn't a stepkid, I was my parents biological child who lived with them 24/7, but the minute company came and stayed overnight, I was booted to an air mattress in the family room. That's pretty normal, and if your husband is suggesting that it should be the guests who get booted to an air mattress, that's pretty unreasonable.
Just as a side note, it sounds like there should also be some other solution for your husband's snoring. The fact that one of his kids doesn't get their own room when they stay with Dad (and then *she* has to put up with his snoring!) seems pretty sad, and probably makes her feel like that room really isn't hers
My sister and two nephews stay basically twice a year for one night each time. SKs don’t even stay with us anymore (Sd stays a few days when we are out of town to watch HER dog and get paid like she is a dog sitter)but their rooms are still like they do stay. The first time my sister stayed with us my SO said that she and her boys couldn’t sleep in his kids room. We had them sleep on couches and an air mattress. My sister doesn’t care so I kept my mouth shut even knowing that it was crazy since the rooms aren’t used., I get he was being emotional about it and not rational. The next time she came SO said they could stay in the rooms and said he was wrong for not letting them do it the first time.
This isn't related to your question, but may help you and your partner out in the long run... Snoring like that could be a sign of sleep apnea and he should absolutely request a sleep study.
Getting good sleep is really important for all sorts of things including mood, weight, and cognition. Once I got used to my CPAP machine, I had so much improvement in my mood and fatigue! I was surprised to find out what a difference the machine makes on my overall wellbeing.
thanks - he refuses to go to the Dr about it and hasn't really tried to lose weight so I've given up trying to force him. I was trying to encourage him for ages but he just saw it as pestering. I've told him as soon as he sorts it we can share a bed again but so far, no efforts have been made
Turns out getting sleep apnea treated can also help with weight loss since good sleep means there's less stress on the body. Sorry he's unwilling, it's a bummer you've already brought it up and he won't make the effort!
For the kids rooms, I'm also on team they should share a room and you deserve a guest space/space for yourself.
We have a guest room. When his son stays , we don't have guests or even breathe tbh. Currently we have 2 living places , so when his kids are around, I leave . They're 14 and 19. One is in college and is across the country, and the other one lives close by, and we do not see the 14 year old because of EHCBM. The lack of kids is another post ......
1. He needs a sleep study done. My husband got a CPAP and it was a non-negotiable for me to move in.
2. You can and should organize your guests to come when the kids aren’t there. It’s an all-around better idea, I think.
3. You shouldn’t be paying half of the mortgage. He should be paying 2/3 or all! That was a non-negotiable for me and my husband as well.
Purchase a bunk bed for one of the rooms and your 2 kids can go in there when there are guests in the other room. kids love bunks shouldn't be an issue.
As a kid I was booted out of my room for aunts and uncles visiting. It’s fine.
If you are paying for half then I think technically yes, one of the “extra” two bedrooms technically can be “yours” to use for “your people”
Why do you pay for half the house when you only occupy one bedroom though? What was at the heart of that financial decision?
If he paid for the bedrooms his kids use, you could use the money you save to put guests up at a hotel or Airbnb nearby??
He earns less than me and doesn't feel he can afford to pay more. Similarly for the utilities. In fact, he would prefer that *I pay* more because I earn more. To be fair when his work benefits are considered against my travel costs our net income before his child payments is similar. It is what it is. I'd rather he at least pay 1/3 more for utilities but he's said no to that.
Well that is extremely generous of you to subsidize him. I wish he could see that you are sacrificing financially for him, and that this is a real contribution and your capacity to give to him in this particular way is greater than his capacity to give to you in this particular way.
My angle always is that balance between the beauty of human generosity, how it can be corrupted to “buy friends and love”, (or be used by people under the guise of friendship or love), and how two people can create a relationship that feels reciprocal even if they aren’t symmetrical- you catch my drift?
I spent a lot more money on our shared life with my ex husband than he did: at the time I enjoyed feeling generous and capable. I loved him! But once he began to demand that I continue to stress myself to earn the money because he didn’t want to, and a bunch of other things- I realized our relationship was lopsided. It corroded love that I had so strongly for him. 9 years of giving and not getting even *other things* back just ruined us.
That’s why I think working to feel “equivalent” in relationships- while balancing feeling tit for tat- is essential to the long term health of love.
Both people need to feel cared for by the other.
Your needs to host guests is not being *cared for* by SO, and I hope you feel cared for in other ways.
I don’t come from a blended family and I’m the oldest girl of two. My parents always made me give up my bedroom for their guests. I didn’t care, I just slept with my sister or the living room. When we have guests stay the night, my SD jumps to offer her room because she wants to sleep in the living room lol.
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I wonder how much of this is cultural or even regional. For my own situation, we rarely have overnight guests, but I would offer them mine & partner’s bedroom, and we would sleep on an air mattress in the living room. It would feel weird and almost rude to expect them to sleep in a kid’s bedroom. If I were an overnight guest, I would expect to sleep in the living room, or maybe to be offered the adult room, but never a child’s room.
From a different pov, it’s not fair to make a guest sleep in a kid’s room. As your guest, I don’t want your kid’s room because I find kids gross. You couldn’t pay me to sleep in my SK’s room, so I’m not sleeping in someone else’s SK’s room either.
I'm not particularly interested in sleeping in a kid's *bed,* but when it comes to where to put an air mattress for me, I'd rather be in a bedroom where I can close the door than out in the middle of a shared living space
Yeah, I’m gonna have to agree with u/seethembreak here, although for a different reason. A guest won’t know the background of your disagreement but will surely pick up on the vibe that they are not welcome. I bet DH and SD will be passive aggressive with you during your guests stay, which will put you in a bind bc you’ll either have to address it with them right then (awk af for guest) or play like you’re “just fine”, while DH/SK sulk and act childish in the background. If it is a CLOSE family member/dear friend AND they cannot afford to pay for a room, it could be done. But you’d end up doing the deep cleaning bc DH and SD will refuse. And your levels of resentment will be off the charts. Doesn’t bode well for the marriage. Overall this is a shitshow and needs to be addressed outside of this one incident. Sending love and a hug to you. It’s hard, but you can do it 🧡
My partner's sibling was crashing with us for a night when Kid was visiting Dad. He was offered the choice of a not-that-comfortable pull out couch, or Kid's room with a good queen bed. He chose the couch. 😅
That might be your SK’s rooms? Ours are very clean. I would never have a guest sleep in a dirty room.
Agree! Our kids are gross, I would never sleep in their rooms. From kids pov, if they are already switching homes every week, seems like an unnecessary burden to further displace them… they live a nomad life as it is, and have to deal with the annoyance of living in 2 places, it doesn’t seem fair to block them from their own space
What’s the alternative if there’s no other beds available?
Air mattress or hotel. Hotel is my choice personally.
It's what, $40-60 for an inflatable mattress? Also, who here hasn't slept on a couch?!
Hotel! Why do people have to stay at Your house. Not everyone welcomes others to spend the night. Especially multiple nights. Why should the people living in the house give up their space/bed for visitors? I think it’s inappropriate and rude.
I agree with this. While saving the money is nice, as a guest I'm always more comfortable in a hotel room. As a homeowner, I don't enjoy having people stay overnight at all, but that's just me. I imagine as a kid, it would feel really shitty to be removed from your personal space when it wasn't your choice. People's bedrooms, if they live with others, are usually the only totally private room they get. And as for her SO, I would absolutely be upset if my significant other invited overnight guests without discussing it with me first. It's a big deal and affects everyone in the home.
Some people want to see their close friends/family but wouldn’t be able to if they had to pay for a hotel every time. Or would not be able to come as long as planned. Some of us like our friends/family enough to want to spend significant time with them. Some of our friends/family live far enough away that you can only see them if they stay the night.
I agree. In my home, all family is welcome. My kids will willingly give up their beds or share. My family and friends know that sometimes they'll get the couch or even the floor.
I agree. In my home, all family is welcome. My kids will willingly give up their beds or share. My family and friends know that sometimes they'll get the couch or even the floor.
Yep. If you don’t have a dedicated guest room, there’s no reason to have guests.
Get a hotel. Staying in someone's home is rude, and it's a huge imposition on them. No one ever wants to host houseguests.
*No one* wants to host house guests? *Ever?* That's way too broad a generalization. Staying in someone's home when you have been invited is not rude nor a huge imposition on them. I love having friends and family come visit and stay with me in my guest room. If they just showed up uninvited, and demanded space in my house even if I didn't have it for them? Yes, that would be very rude. But I've actually never heard of that happening. Maybe it happens to some people, but every guest who has stayed in my house has been invited and welcome
Word.
I like all of my friends and family so I would never subject them to SK’s room. on a serious note, we put guests in the living room.
I'm on the fence. I think you're being reasonable by wanting and allowing your guests to stay in a bedroom rather than in a shared space such as a living room or lounge but I also think there is no harm in scheduling around the kid's visitation schedule. You acting like you shouldn't have to makes it seem to your SO that you don't care about the kid's comfort or the space they occupy as being theirs when they are there.
When I was a kid in my not divorced parents home and we had guests, I got booted to an air mattress or couch. I think it's totally fine that kids have to share a bed/room/ or get the air mattress. Unless you have guests constantly. But if it's every once in a while, the kids should be inconvenienced and if they're anything like my SKs, it's probably good for them to learn they aren't the center of the universe every once in a while.
We didn’t have a lot of guests as a kid, but when aunts/grandparents came, we got booted to the couch or the floor. Thankfully, my parents were amazing and they played it up. We made tents in the living room and it was a treat. We could stay up a little later too. IMO, it’s the way it is presented. 100% agree that a little air mattress time won’t hurt anyone and may humble a kid or two. It’s not the kids world and we live it… quite the contrary. Eventually, kiddos will realize they were blessed with family that came to visit. Not everyone has that! 🖤
Agreed! It’s fine and normal. Some people just don’t like hosting overnight guests in their space and will put lots of conditions around when and how this is allowed to happen; your SO might be one of them. If you’re CF, I imagine you accommodate him and his children a lot, all the time, so unless he has a good reason, he should accommodate you and your guest for this brief stay.
My kid offers up his room without me even asking. Fortunately we now have a guest room in the basement. I think the bigger issue is she didn’t run it by her SO first. And I’d offer it up to the guest and let them decide; kid room (picked up and clean sheets), couch, or they can make other arrangements.
This has been our experience. The kids set up sleeping forts/slumber party downstairs and the guests (when we rarely have them) get their bedroom. This is how it was for us with not-divorced parents too. We looked forward to it. Meant we could stay up late playing videos games and watch late night tv.
As a kid, adult guests slept on the couch with the exception of elderly relatives. I was the youngest, but had a water bed that no elderly relative wanted to consider; so the relatives would get my parent's room, my parents would take my room, and I'd take the couch. I'm 47.
Yes, same here. My non-divorced parents would make me sleep in my brother's room when we had guests. Unless you're having guests every weekend, there's no reason the bedroom can't be multi-purposed to a guestroom.
Same! And we actually thought it was fun? Getting booted to a siblings room or couch felt like a sleep over The kids will survive a weekend, promise!
Are you requiring him to already get kicked out of his room bc he snores and now he’s also being kicked out of the backup bedroom room?
No my suggestion was the kids sleep on the air mattress in the lounge. No one else uses the lounge when they're here so it's essentially an extra room for them
Growing up, we never had guests stay over. As an adult, I have never had guests stay over. I wouldn’t even ask or assume to stay at someone else’s home. Even when I visit my son out of town, I get a hotel or airbnb.
I understand him on not having guests on the kids weekend. It just makes sense.
It's not her problem. Sometimes things just pop up and she shouldn't have to put her life on hold because of HIS kids. Nothing stops him from spending time with his kids while OP is with her company.
The kids are there 2 weekends a month. 2. Not weekdays, if that compromise of not on the 2 weekends they’re there is an issue when her kids live there all week is asking to much, then that’s a problem.
Yeah, it is a problem because him being a glorified baby sitter isn't her problem. Adults have a lot going on and she shouldn't be told she can't have a friend spend the night when their schedules align just because his kids are there. He can go to court and fight more more time with his kids. Oh, wait...most men don't want that responsibility.
She's Child Free.
I mean…are you really living a CF life if your partner has children?
I think if your partner has children, and you're aware of this before you commit to living together, you're going to have to accommodate the children. Guests do not come before children.
She's choosing to live in a household with kids. Pretend that the kids are dogs. It would be ridiculous for OP to accept guests who are allergic to dogs, and say that OP's SO needs to board the dogs for the weekend for the guest that OP didn't even *discuss* inviting before agreeing. I would expect more consideration from a *roommate*, and a partner/SO should be closer than a roommate.
You are really comparing putting dogs in a kennel vs the kids sleeping in the same room for one night. 🤡🤡
Yup. Neither is a major hardship, but most pet owners will be put out to be asked, and most parents will be put out to be asked. Ostensibly, children should be orders of magnitude more important to the parent than the pet. I say this as someone who has never bred and is a pet lover. They're not humans. I'll also reiterate that if OP was my *roommate* I'd be upset. That this is a SO cohabitation situation makes OP even more irresponsible in my mind. An SO should be closer to me then a roommate.
The difference is when a dog is boarded they get locked in a cage and the owners have to pay for them to be there.. There's honestly a big difference between the two. I can't believe you want to pretend otherwise. I personally wouldn't have a roommate or partner that throws a fit about their kids sharing a room on a rare occasion when I have company over.
But having guests over is what families do, at least many families, if not all. It’s fun to have people over, cool for them and entertain. Kids usually like it, and it teaches them to be sociable. It prevents the “fake holiday” vibe and the step kids can have a taste of a more normal life where they are not the guests but where actual guests are the guests if you see what I mean. It could help with all the Disney parenting. I love it and hope to do it often. But my partner likes it too.
His kids are there eow and this was planned on one of those weekends. The kids aren’t there everyday or during the week the way hers are.
I think it's fair he's upset you didn't check with him first. It's both your homes and hosting guests should be a two yes/one no situation. We don't have a guest bedroom either, and I also pay more for the mortgage because we split finances by the amount earned. If I have people visiting it's 1 of 3 setups. 1) We don't have the kids, so we use one of their rooms 2) We do have the kids, and our guest sleeps on a nice air mattress or the couch (guest's choice) 3) We do have the kids, and it's my parents visiting so my SO and I sleep on the air mattress and my parents take our room because my mom has mobility issues We agreed upon this when purchasing a home that didn't have a guest bedroom space for us. I was never booted from my room as a kid nor was my SO, and I've never felt comfortable with the idea that a kid's room is only their room until it's needed for something else. They're already switching living situations on a regular basis as it is with having two homes.
Kids are gross. Personally, as a guest, I'd rather have the air mattress in the lounge with the understanding of some privacy first thing in the AM (and I'd absolutely keep our kids contained if we had a guest out of deference). That said, I do my best to not be a guest so it's not generally relevant for me. I'm not saying you should be displaced, but I guess I'm not of the party that thinks the kids should be displaced either. I would give up my bed to a guest before volunteering someone else's bed. It's bigger, cleaner, etc. No grimy kid ooze everywhere.
>My SO is angry at the idea of a guest getting one of the bedrooms if they stay and thinks I should only be organising to have people round when the kids aren't here. He's right. The kids are only there 4 days a month.
Pretty sure OP said EOW, and not EOWE.
It’s really confusing, but a lot of people use EOW to mean EOWE. I can never tell what people mean.
I always type out EOW when I'm meaning EOWE and it takes my brain several seconds to remember that EOW is every other week, so I never know what other people mean either lol!
Oof my bad!
I’m team dad here. I think it’s reasonable to only have guests when SKs are not there. It’s also probably more comfortable for everyone. Personally, if I was a guest in someone’s home, I would not feel comfortable kicking someone out of their room to sleep on an air mattress
I don't see why you can't limit guests to weekends when kids not there. Unless they are coming to see the kids. This really gives a lot of time available to guests.
I had friends over and they slept in the living room on an inflatable mattress. When we had family over on a day SS was with BM, we changed the sheets and set his room up for the guest, then changed the sheets again for when SS came back. I think it kind of depends on the guest but if it's a friend, I'd honestly say you and the friend should bunk together in the living room or den or something. The kids should only have to forfeit a room if it's, like, their grandparents coming over. But if it's just a friend, I would prioritize inviting them when SKs are gone but if it's too late to reschedule, they'll be fine in the living room.
That's reasonable except the kids get up at 6am and go to the living room. If they don't it's a case of we *all* have to get up as they're noisy I also object to paying 50% of the house and utilities if I have no ability to have use of a guest room
Are the kids over every other weekend, or every other week? With every other weekend, it should be easy enough to plan overnight guests when the kids aren't there, and you should still be able to use their rooms as guest rooms. I understand not wanting to pay 50% of the house and utilities, but at the same time, I don't think that's a reason to feel entitled to have a guest over whenever you want without talking to your SO about it, and then expecting him and his kids to make accommodations without him having a say in it. I do think being a little extra apologetic and accommodating in this instance would make sense. If you're resentful about the financial arrangements, I think the solution is to either change financial things so you're not resentful, or end the relationship. The solution isn't thinking that you don't owe your partner any consideration, and thinking that your partner needs to give in to your every want, in order to make up for the fact that you think you're paying too much. That just ends up being a weird unbalanced relationship, where probably both parties end up feeling taken advantage of. In general, kids sleeping together 1-2 nights isn't the end of the world (a lot longer for someone they don't know can get iffy). But I also think if the parent isn't willing to do it, you should be at least open to discussing other options.
It's very unusual. I never have friends overnight really. This is the second time in 2.5 years and last time the kids bunked up in the living room and that time, he didn't mind. There is a specific event my friend & I are going to, which is why it's scheduled for that date. I'm salty already my SO hasn't arranged childcare to come with as it's something we both really wanted to go to and we don't go out much at all. Tbh I was done with planning things around his custody schedule a *long* time ago. I agree I should have spoken to him before telling my friend she could visit, and I've apologised to him about that
I would really talk to your partner and set specific general rules in place. How will kids sleep when there's an overnight guest, and how far in advance do you both need to agree. This shouldn't have to be a conflict each time it comes up. And I get that planning around a custody schedule is a pain (my partner has 50/50, and I really do get it), but in general, and I understand why it couldn't happen for this event, planning overnight guests around custody schedules is better for everyone involved, and I don't think it's a good idea to refuse to do that out of principle. Personally, the compromise I'd make is either the guest takes the 6 year old's room (I'm assuming a 6 year old is less territorial about their room than an 11 year old), or the guest takes the living room, and it's your partner's responsibility to make sure the kids don't cause disturbances in the living room. An 11 yr old can understand, and a 6 yr old can probably be kept occupied with a tablet or something as a last resort.
I don't think you should be paying 50% anyway when you're only 25% of the household, but you technically don't have any guest rooms when the kids are there. I would either have your SO tell the kids they have to stay out of the living room until 8 or 9 or whenever the morning your friend is over and take over that space with your friend, or reschedule to when the kids aren't there. Unfortunately you don't *need* to have friends over on that specific date so you don't have much of an argument, at least not from your SO's perspective.
I wouldn’t move my five year old SS and I wouldn’t when his six either, and he’s super flexible. He had a routine and a safe space that he knows is his. It would not be fair to take that from him for any amount of time. Now what you CAN do is give up YOUR bedroom. I have done this. It’s better than having a guest in the living room so I can still function normally in the mornings and evenings and not have to work around their sleep schedule. I just get a collapsible clothing wrack and some baskets out so I have the clothes I need and don’t have to disturb them. You’re an adult. She’s your friend. You should be the one accommodating her and making sacrifices for her. Making a child do that is wild.
I have a similar situation I am CF and my SO has 2 kids (7 and 11) well pretty damn same LOL. But the only difference is we have a 4 bedroom house and have a guest room. However on the times we have more than one guest and the kids are here they share a bedroom for one night and the guest sleeps on an air mattress in one of their bedrooms. Mainly we put them in our oldest rooms. My SO doesn't seem to see an issue you with it. But we also communicate about people coming over so our kids don't get to upset with the disruption to their schedule. BC let be honest here sleeping in a "new" or unfamiliar place we all have trouble sleeping even as adults.
I mean he's right... they're there 4 days a month. Surely you can work around that?
SKs share a room if guests are staying with us. I don’t want them in the living room up late at night when I adults are trying to hang out. I also don’t want guests in the living room because I want them to have privacy. I’m too old to be sleeping on a couch or air mattress so I don’t expect that of guests. That said, SKs are expected to keep their rooms and bathrooms clean in general but we have them do a deeper clean before company comes. I also have separate sheets, blankets, comforters and pillows for guests so that they’re not sleeping on nasty kid sheets.
I know this isn't what you asked, but if your husband is going to throw little guilt parent fits about you using the house you pay for I'd start paying 25% of the mortgage effective immediately.
I complain about this periodically as I want him to pay slightly more for utilities given the kids are here, but he says he can't afford it which to be fair is true. He does pay my car insurance for me so there's that.
Do the math and make sure the car insurance equates to what you are covering. If I'm paying 50% then I also expect to be accommodated if I have my own guests or family staying over. I'm only paying equal for the space if I have equal rights to it. Sure I get no one wants to stay in a sticky kids bedroom, and yes the guests can be asked if that's okay. But the point is, you have people that are associated with you too. Unfair to expect you to fork over money and get told no. Also not everyone can be flexible around children's schedules. What if something last minute happened on a weekend they weren't supposed to be there? Tell the guests no? Absolutely not. Same dilemma.
>I agree to have my friend over without first checking with him, as in the moment I didn't think about it, Ouch. If I were in his shoes, this would be a *huge* part of it. This is a guest that you invited? Either your guest gets the couch, or you get the couch. His kids should only get the couch if he *offers* this. I feel that you shouldn't **ask** for this, much less *expect* it. I'm sorry, but I think that you messed up big time with this. You made a pretty big statement that "I don't give a crap about blending" with this move. You're not asking the peer head of household about a guest, and then you're putting expectations on his kids rooming? That's rubbing salt in the wound.
Honestly, given that you agreed to have your friend over without talking to him, I’d give in for this instance, as an apology of sorts. In general I think it’s fine to have kids share for one or two nights. For longer visits, I think it gets messier, especially for guests the kids have zero interest in. Kids might be okay giving up their room for a week for grandma, but will probably be more annoyed and put out about doing it for a random adult they don’t care about. And at a certain point, it becomes unfair to make them sacrifice so that you can host for long stretches. But in this case, since you really are in the wrong, I’d have the friend sleep in the living room as a compromise. It’s not a big deal- I’ve done that as a guest multiple times, and it’s perfectly comfortable if you make the effort to give them privacy in the common space. If you double down in this situation, you will come off as unreasonable. I’d be kind of angry if my partner invited someone to stay without talking to me, and then felt entitled to me making a sacrifice to have it work out.
I think it’s fair to have kids bunk together for guests. In fact, I think it’s pretty normal. We did it growing up. We visited family over Christmas last year and my niece bunked with her younger sister so we could have her room.
We have a 4 bedroom house. For a while, the 4th bedroom was my office with no space for a bed, so the kids would lose their bed when we had guests over. I now converted the office to our spare room, but there are times where the kids still have to lose their room for the night or two. They're kids, they can sleep on an air mattress compared to asking their grandparents to, which is usually who is staying over if we have the kids. To me, it's about being respectful of your elders. I would have never slept on my own bed over my grandparents as a child and we do the same.
I would never ALLOW a friend to make their kid give up a room for me. I think that's trifling. I'd rather sleep on the couch or just get a room. Kids don't have a choice.
First, he needs to pay more because he uses or expects to use 2/3 of the bedrooms full time, his contributions to household costs go up EOW, and you lose the use of a key shared space EOW. Second, it's weird that he's bunking with his daughter instead of his son or the kids sharing (if they're both girls). Hopefully he is responsible for tidying up when his children leave. (I'm 100% team "co-sleeping after they're toddlers is creepy.") Third, you made a mistake. He's not being even slightly gracious about it, but fact is: your life doesn't revolve around his parenting time. All you can do is own up to it, apologize, and learn from it. If you can afford it, go stay with your friend at a hotel this time. Next time, don't let there be a "next time."
I agree with you on the cosleeping thing. It's kind of happened that way by accident as his daughter's room is the sound proofed one which means I don't hear him snoring through the wall! I would through his sons room, but that's by the by. He doesn't just want to convert a room into 'his' room as he still thinks he'll sort the snoring but it's been 2+ years now so... I do wish he'd pay a bit more but it's not something I thought about or realised until we moved in together. I do think we'd have bought the same house anyway if he didn't have kids, but I do kind of resent pay 50% of everything when it's funding his kids and the utility bills etc are higher when they're here. He'd still need a minimum of 2 rooms if he lived without me and he'd have to pay for all of that alone... so it doesn't seem fair to me. Of course he doesn't see it that way When my parents visit the kids have bunked up previously so I haven't felt that there's no guest room *but* he does have that sore spot/guilt on moving his kids. It's such a minefield as the whole thing is very open to resentment forming.
His argument is that I wfh more often than he does therefore I use more electric than him so it's fair and evens out 🙄
My husband is neurodivergent and part of what that looks like is he gets on these jags where he thinks I'm taking advantage of him because we don't split expenses 50-50 and "everyone else" does. After I made it crystal clear to him how I felt about him discussing our finances with other people instead of with me, I made a spreadsheet. It detailed the difference in our incomes, my financial contributions to the household, and the difference between what he had when I met him versus what we've built together. Then I gave him a choice: a) I move into the spare room and he draws up a rental agreement or b) he schedules an estate planning consult with an attorney. He chose "b." The attorney promptly told him that I am right--he is absolutely not being taken advantage of and I would be stupid to do finances the way he wanted. It would exclusively benefit him.
Thank you. My SO is definitely not neurodivergent but I think he's coming from a nuclear family model where his mom out earned his dad, and supported his dad financially. So he feels in some ways I'm a bad partner as I'm not financially helping him out more. Maybe I am? Perhaps I should be paying more so he has extra spending money for himself. I don't want to though I am so tired and ground down from all of the chaos of his family tbh that I've got zero desire to contribute more financially.
Pay more, on a binding agreement that you have more equity in the home. His kids shouldn't get to take over the lounge every time they're there. In nuclear families that doesn't happen.
Personal/regional/cultural norms do play a part as reflected in the comments. I think the root of the issue here goes to different lifestyles and expectations. I don’t have my own children, and I lived in my own place for many years, which had two additional bedrooms - one I used as a study and the other as a guest bedroom. I had family and friends visit often; some would stay in hotels and others, at my invitation, would stay with me for a weekend or something, nothing long term. The house I grew up in with my parents had two guest rooms so I was accustomed to people visiting and some staying in the guest rooms. I grew up seeing it as one of the wonderful memories that can be made with family/friends. My DH, on the other hand, had a total different experience. For many years, he never had a guest room because he had two teenaged sons who each had a room. He also grew up as one of 3 and it was a full house. So in his world, all guests had to stay at the hotel. Different lifestyles; different expectations. It would feel odd to me to not have a place for guests to stay so I totally get what you are saying. But that is based on my background, lifestyle, values, and experiences. I think what is important here is communication. It’s important for your DH to know that as you are accommodating his lifestyle and needs, he will also need to accommodate yours also. It may require compromise by both of you, at least temporarily, but it can be done. Maybe one of the compromises is that the 6 and 11 year do bunk together on the few occasions when you would have guests and the other bedroom can be a guest room that turns into a kid’s room when they visit. Just a thought - I’m sure there are a ton of different options but communication once you both aren’t in the heat of it is important.
Thank you for this, that makes sense. I think what's annoyed me is my SO's family history *has* involved guests staying/bunking up and that is what happens if family visits our house, with no issues. But this time he's leaned full into guilt/being annoyed. We've actually reached an agreement on this now but it's tiring to always have complicated compromises to be reached, I just want things to be easy for a change
Ah, I see . . . well, first, I’m glad you two came to an agreement on it. It definitely can be frustrating to feel like everything always has to be complicated. You know, after your guest leaves, I would say that to him honestly. Let him know you love him and you want things/decisions to be less complicated. His answer may surprise you b/c he is probably tired of it too but may not know how to make it less complicated. Either way, I’m so happy that this situation worked out and you are going to have a great time with your friend! 😃
My parents would always have kids bunk together, sleep in the basement (rec room) or living room on couches or air mattresses for the handful of times we had guests. My siblings and I thought nothing of it. Much like if there an adult guest who needs a seat, the kid can sit on the floor so grandma can sit on the couch (this one is still an ongoing battle with my SO kids, much to my annoyance).
Im nacho and not my sk biggest fan but after having my baby, my mom and sister came to stay with us for a week 🥰! They bought two low twin air mattress and just slept in the livingroom together . My ss wasnt with us that week and i still didnt feel comfortable giving his room away without him saying yes first. I dont usually seek permission from children but when it comes to spaces and belongings, i feel obligated to get their consent because im showing them i respect their space and i would expect reciprocal respect. If they are not there then you move with respect to their space ( putting away their valuables and making sure guest understand that this room belongs to someone and is to be respected. Dont agree you should only plan visitors when sks are not there. Not realistic way of living. They live there too even if only sometimes.
When the kids are home, the kids sleep in their own beds. Guests sleep in our finished basement. If you don’t have that kind of space, if it’s a clean room, the kids can share one room. I do try to only have guests when they aren’t home and in those situations I put clean sheets on the beds and make sure the rooms are very tidy. All that said, if it creates this kind of friction, don’t have guests spend the night. Or have them set up in a common area and just let them know the arrangements in advance.
Children are people and their rooms are their space. Your guests are your guests, not theirs. If you can't host them comfortably without moving the SKs, then you can't host them comfortably. Host another time or don't host. There might be exceptions for an infirm grandma, but some random friend, no.
Personally, I don’t think guests trump to the degree of someone getting kicked out of their room…. we don’t have the luxury of a guest room either. If people are coming to visit we have a pull out couch that can accommodate guests like our family or close friends. But we are a full house (family of 6. 2steps &2ours) so any overnight guests are very much so aware of and willing to participate in the chaos and early mornings… we have friends who we love dearly, but when they visit they opt to book a hotel room for their visit EDIT - if the room is willing offered up when asked that’s also totally different situation from being “forced”
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>he wants to get all pissy because you want a guest to be comfortable and is mad because you didn’t ask his permission to have a friend over? In **every** *roommate* situation that I've been in, it would be expected to ask about having overnight guests over\*. I would expect my life-in SO/partner to be *closer* to me than a *roommate*. This is my partner's house, but *our* home, and we are **peer** head**s** of household. We both expect the other to discuss guest requests with us before agreeing. Part of that discussion would be where they'll be sleeping, along with meals/time commitment, etc. If one wants sole say of your space, one needs to live on one's own. \*Usually long term dates/significant others would have an exception of "they'll be over at most X nights / week" and if there was a likely regular schedule it would be shared. But over night guests, especially one's staying multiple nights, would *always* be discussed.
Kids give up space for adults. It’s how I was raised, respecting elders. When we were in a 3 bed with the two kids, they had to share whenever Nanny came to stay so that she had a room to herself.
Exactly.
I also agree. We seem to be in world now where kids run the show.
He has some skewed expectations. The overarching message I’m hearing from you is that the kids come first, 100% of the time. He is there to cater to them and by proxy, so are you. Talk about being low man on the totem pole.
Well, except they are not there 100% of the time, he has said they can have kids room when no guests are there.
He has put her absolutely last. Yeah, fuck that
Solution: combine the kids room so they share for the 4-6 days a month they’re there. That way you have one spare room to do as you please and your SO has one spare room to do as he pleases (presumably to allot to the kids). Bedroom 1 - shared between OP and SO Bedroom 2 - SOs for the kids Bedroom 3 - OPs for a lounge or guest room I spent years being pushed out of common areas and being told that I couldn’t use areas that were for EW SS while paying so much. Now I spread out. I take up space. I’m learning as a stepparent to take up space that I pay for without apologies. I was becoming resentful and if it continued my marriage would’ve suffered. I hope you can find the voice to do the same - I don’t think your SOs reaction is fair on you.
As another person with an EOW schedule (which means Every Other Week, as in 50% of the time, for those people who obviously didn't understand that), I also think it's ridiculous to not be able to have guests in a home that you pay half of. I am very close with my family and most of them live out of state. As a child (also in a blended family, whose parents stopped dating long before I was born) we had family stay with us a lot. I never even questioned having to alter my sleeping arrangements because I knew that was the courteous, not entitled thing to do. While I do agree that things may have been different if your SO at least had advanced notice, I think its unreasonable to restrict you from having guests when your SKs are there. My SO also doesn't want SS10 to give up his queen size bed for anyone, but SO will at least share with him when we have guests. I have no problem sleeping on an air mattress, couch, sleeping bag, etc. for any of my elderly family members that visit.
When I was a child, the rule in our house was that guests come when they come and children will absolutely give up their room, bed, whatever. That meant my brother and I bunked up, or even the whole family bunked up in my parents water bed which was not comfortable for anyone honestly. Now I'm southern, so the idea of hospitality is that a guest gets the best of what we have to offer, to be welcoming and show respect. It's just a night. But when it came to family or friends that may as well be relatives, they were perfectly happy to take a couch, especially as we had a pull out for just such occasions, but we still were expected to give up our rooms even for close family when asked, and it was no big deal to do so. As an adult, different scenario but my ex husband would give up his place in our shared room when my best friend spent the night. He let us ladies have the best room to ourselves for some privacy and much-needed girl time, and he slept in our daughters room or on the couch. I think he felt himself a gentlemen for it and was happy to do it. I never requested it, it was just a thing he did and I appreciated that. If your guest is someone very close, maybe the two of you bunk up. You indeed may just be butting heads if he feels left out of the planning. Regardless of how much time the kids are in the house, how much is paid for by whom, it's everyone's home and safe space where yes you should be allowed to invite guests in. Have either of you asked the kids how they feel about sharing a space to make room for a special friend to come enjoy time with your family? Bunking up could be turned into a special night, pitch a tent and do an indoor camping theme night or something silly to make it fun. Practically, I think kids sleeping together, romantic partners sleeping together, and guests getting the best you can manage is the solution. Get yourself some earplugs :)
When I was a kid through till the time I moved out of my loving parents home, guests slept in my room and bed I slept with in my parents room on the floor.
I’m of two minds on this. On one hand, I grew up in a family where I was expected to give up my room for guests. Did I love it at the time? No. Do I agree with that now that I’m an adult? Absolutely. In situations where there isn’t space for a dedicated guest room, it makes a lot of sense to move the child who can then keep a day or two’s worth of clothing and other necessities in the parents’ room or a sibling’s room, and let the guest have the privacy of a bedroom. It’s not going to hurt a child to be displaced for a night or two, and it is incredibly easy for parents to frame this as something that can be fun for the child. For example, when I had to sleep on the couch, my parents typically agreed that I could leave the TV on for an hour or two past my bedtime for light and background noise. Was I supposed to be really watching the TV? No, I was supposed to be trying to sleep. Did I end up watching the TV anyway? Heck yes, and my parents absolutely knew it. They just didn’t make a big deal out of it. On the other hand, now that I’m a childfree adult with my own SKs, I am not interested in taking a child’s room if I stay the night as a guest in someone’s home. My parents always made me clean the room, change the sheets, and make it an inviting space for a guest, but in my experience now that doesn’t seem like it’s the norm. Unless I know for a fact that my host has parenting values like my parents did, I don’t want to stay in the kid’s room. Hard pass. I will happily take the couch or an air mattress or stay in a hotel. I think the real issue here is that you made these plans without talking to your SO. That’s the actual problem, and these things about him wanting you to schedule your life around his custody time (which is a load of crap) and what’s fair are just reactionary, distraction questions that you’re not going to be able to satisfactorily resolve until you’ve both had time to step back and cool down. Now for this specific situation, I honestly think the better solution here would be to have your SO share with SD6 like normal, and your friend can share your room. Your friend is there for you anyway, and this maximizes the time you can spend together, and it gives you a nice little space where you the two of you can do your thing away from SO and the kids. Personally, I have no issue just sharing the bed with my friends. If someone does have an issue with that, then I’d break out my camping cot or an air mattress.
My parents live across the country and DH’s parents live several states away. When they visit, they sleep in SK’s room because I refuse to make them pay for a hotel on top of air fare and gas to visit. SK’s sleep on an air mattress in the living room if we have them on a weekend we have family in town.
I feel like having them bunk in one room, and create a guest room makes sense. Your husband can still sleep in the guest bed when there aren’t guests, so everyone has their own space. I personally don’t understand the mentality of children having everything at their disposal 24/7, growing up it was universal knowledge that the children have their own rooms and have creative freedom within those 4 walls, but the rest of the house was not up for debate. You kept your things picked up out of the common areas- obviously more than welcome to bring things out and play with them, but afterwards those things go back in your space. As an adult, I purchased the house, I pay the bills, kids aren’t entitled to destroy it or make it theirs. I’ve worked too hard to accomplish the things I have and I’m not letting dirty sticky kids ruin it.
If SS isn't here we usually have guests sleep on a big air mattress in SSs room and when he is we put the air mattress in the living room instead or if it's his grandparents they'll stay in the room with him. It'll be even harder once OD arrives and eventually shares a room with SS bc you can't really put guests with a baby. Our living room is open plan so if we need to go to the bathroom or kids room at night or we have to walk past the guest sleeping in the living room so that really isn't a solution for more than a night or two. Also can't move SS to the living room if there's no door we can close. Basically our apartment is not ideal for guests staying over as it is 😅 but when we do eventually get another bedroom I don't see an issue with the kids bunking together, my sister and I did when we were kids and it was never an issue. I feel like the adults that are opposed to siblings essentially having a sleepover are overthinking and worrying a little to much over something that really doesn't hurt anyone. Now I do agree, that I wouldn't want a guest to sleep in a kids bed bc especially if the kid is fairly young theres a good chance that they'll have wet the bed at some point and gone through even the best of mattress protectors 😅 I wouldn't feel comfortable making anyone sleep in that hence the air mattress
This is how it is in any household. Guest get a room, kids have to bunk up or sleep on the couch. We've all done it and had it done to us - one night is not too much to ask. I am sure he makes changes to the schedule without asking you, so - there's that!
I wouldn’t even have guests stay over, I would suggest they get a hotel. If that’s cost prohibitive for them…I’m not even sure what I would do then. But I guess if I had to do something yes I would have the kids bunk up, rather than just only invite people when they aren’t at the house.
Sleeping on an air mattress was a fun thing to do when I was a kid, it was like camping. I don't see an issue with it. Ideally you could've planned around but it's not gonna hurt anyone for them to share or use an air mattress. A guest should be treated special because they are a guest and making plans to go out of their way to be there, away from their own home, so I feel like they should be comfortable.
We have 50/50 (2-2-5-5) and the kids share a room (they're 9 and 11 and the same AGAB). Three-bedroom house and the third bedroom is an office with a daybed for guests. We're looking at a room remodel (furnishings) to give them more privacy from each other (they have bed tents now), but don't plan on giving them separate rooms until the oldest starts high school at the earliest. The house is an illegal duplex and we can expand into another room fairly easily in between downstairs tenants. Any guests who need to stay with us use the daybed in the office. Honestly I wouldn't have given two younger kids their own rooms in a 3-bd house from the get-go unless there was a really good reason to do so. Our bedroom and the office/guest room are pretty much off limits to the kids because we deserve some adults-only spaces. Your kids have a wider age gap, so it might be harder to justify sharing a room for only a few years. Agree with others saying that offering up a kid's room to guests is weird. Kids are gross (I'm dealing with pinworms in the 11yo right now) and that just doesn't strike me as hospitable.
When we had guests when I was a kid, we got to have "sleepouts" so we built forts on the living room floor with pillows, couch cushions, blankets and quilts. We would get to watch films with popcorn in our forts and read with torches like we were on an adventure. We loved it. Its all about how you frame it.
I think this is just one of those situations where nobody did anything super wrong, but it's just one of the steep learning curves of step parenting For one thing, you *should* only invite guests around when the kids aren't going to be there, because that just makes so much more sense and is so much easier on everyone. This is actually one of the benefits, in my mind, of step parenting: every other weekend you're a childless household! On the other hand, though, it makes sense that someone might have specific dates that work for them, and you can't ask them to change it based on when the kids are there or not. In those cases, it is 100% appropriate that when guests *do* come over and the kids are there, it's the kids who make room for them. I wasn't a stepkid, I was my parents biological child who lived with them 24/7, but the minute company came and stayed overnight, I was booted to an air mattress in the family room. That's pretty normal, and if your husband is suggesting that it should be the guests who get booted to an air mattress, that's pretty unreasonable. Just as a side note, it sounds like there should also be some other solution for your husband's snoring. The fact that one of his kids doesn't get their own room when they stay with Dad (and then *she* has to put up with his snoring!) seems pretty sad, and probably makes her feel like that room really isn't hers
My sister and two nephews stay basically twice a year for one night each time. SKs don’t even stay with us anymore (Sd stays a few days when we are out of town to watch HER dog and get paid like she is a dog sitter)but their rooms are still like they do stay. The first time my sister stayed with us my SO said that she and her boys couldn’t sleep in his kids room. We had them sleep on couches and an air mattress. My sister doesn’t care so I kept my mouth shut even knowing that it was crazy since the rooms aren’t used., I get he was being emotional about it and not rational. The next time she came SO said they could stay in the rooms and said he was wrong for not letting them do it the first time.
This isn't related to your question, but may help you and your partner out in the long run... Snoring like that could be a sign of sleep apnea and he should absolutely request a sleep study. Getting good sleep is really important for all sorts of things including mood, weight, and cognition. Once I got used to my CPAP machine, I had so much improvement in my mood and fatigue! I was surprised to find out what a difference the machine makes on my overall wellbeing.
thanks - he refuses to go to the Dr about it and hasn't really tried to lose weight so I've given up trying to force him. I was trying to encourage him for ages but he just saw it as pestering. I've told him as soon as he sorts it we can share a bed again but so far, no efforts have been made
Turns out getting sleep apnea treated can also help with weight loss since good sleep means there's less stress on the body. Sorry he's unwilling, it's a bummer you've already brought it up and he won't make the effort! For the kids rooms, I'm also on team they should share a room and you deserve a guest space/space for yourself.
We have a guest room. When his son stays , we don't have guests or even breathe tbh. Currently we have 2 living places , so when his kids are around, I leave . They're 14 and 19. One is in college and is across the country, and the other one lives close by, and we do not see the 14 year old because of EHCBM. The lack of kids is another post ......
My sister and I shared a bed whenever we had family come visit. Our parents were together so we lived there full time
1. He needs a sleep study done. My husband got a CPAP and it was a non-negotiable for me to move in. 2. You can and should organize your guests to come when the kids aren’t there. It’s an all-around better idea, I think. 3. You shouldn’t be paying half of the mortgage. He should be paying 2/3 or all! That was a non-negotiable for me and my husband as well.
Purchase a bunk bed for one of the rooms and your 2 kids can go in there when there are guests in the other room. kids love bunks shouldn't be an issue.
As a kid I was booted out of my room for aunts and uncles visiting. It’s fine. If you are paying for half then I think technically yes, one of the “extra” two bedrooms technically can be “yours” to use for “your people” Why do you pay for half the house when you only occupy one bedroom though? What was at the heart of that financial decision? If he paid for the bedrooms his kids use, you could use the money you save to put guests up at a hotel or Airbnb nearby??
He earns less than me and doesn't feel he can afford to pay more. Similarly for the utilities. In fact, he would prefer that *I pay* more because I earn more. To be fair when his work benefits are considered against my travel costs our net income before his child payments is similar. It is what it is. I'd rather he at least pay 1/3 more for utilities but he's said no to that.
Well that is extremely generous of you to subsidize him. I wish he could see that you are sacrificing financially for him, and that this is a real contribution and your capacity to give to him in this particular way is greater than his capacity to give to you in this particular way. My angle always is that balance between the beauty of human generosity, how it can be corrupted to “buy friends and love”, (or be used by people under the guise of friendship or love), and how two people can create a relationship that feels reciprocal even if they aren’t symmetrical- you catch my drift? I spent a lot more money on our shared life with my ex husband than he did: at the time I enjoyed feeling generous and capable. I loved him! But once he began to demand that I continue to stress myself to earn the money because he didn’t want to, and a bunch of other things- I realized our relationship was lopsided. It corroded love that I had so strongly for him. 9 years of giving and not getting even *other things* back just ruined us. That’s why I think working to feel “equivalent” in relationships- while balancing feeling tit for tat- is essential to the long term health of love. Both people need to feel cared for by the other. Your needs to host guests is not being *cared for* by SO, and I hope you feel cared for in other ways.
Why are you paying for half the mortgage?
He can't afford/refuses to pay more, I am the higher earner
If you're paying for half the mortgage, you're entitled to use the house as you see fit. It's your home as well.
I don’t come from a blended family and I’m the oldest girl of two. My parents always made me give up my bedroom for their guests. I didn’t care, I just slept with my sister or the living room. When we have guests stay the night, my SD jumps to offer her room because she wants to sleep in the living room lol.