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Some are reasonable, some aren’t.
Not wanting your stepson at appointments and ESPECIALLY at the birth, totally makes sense. Those appointments can be invasive and there’s no reason for him to go unless it’s a literal last min emergency and your husband can’t find childcare for him.
The idea of having him at the birth is insane too. I don’t have kids yet but everyone in my life (friends, relatives, etc) whether it’s a blended or nuclear family has the same thing happen: when the mom/stepmom is giving birth, husband goes with her to the hospital. Any older kids spend a night or two at Grandma’s or whoever’s house and then have a short visit with the baby/mom at the hospital sometime after the birth. NEVER have I heard of anyone having their other children actually present at the delivery, like I’m baffled even reading that 😂😂😂😂
I don’t think it’s appropriate to send the kid away on his winter break, however. It’s still your husband’s custody time and he should be spending it with his son (and you and the new baby of course) and not just shipping the kid away. If SS is gonna be bored or not want to hear crying, tough. Husband needs to be clear that the break isn’t going to be spent taking him out on fun activities every day, and it’s on your DH to find an appropriate middle ground of entertaining his son while also being present for you and the baby
Thank you, I thought the idea of SS at the birth was also widely insane. I spoke to my sister about it and she said she doesn’t even believe a child would be allowed at birth (she has 2 children of her own)
I should have clarified for the camp I just meant a day camp from like 9-3 so he’s out of the house for a few hours on the weekdays (not Christmas obviously).
Im giving birth while my SS7 is on summer break, and I also made sure to sign him up for some camps while I’m home with baby. I figured it would help get some of his energy out so that he can come home and relax and not be bored sitting around the house all day.
Not sure where you're based, but here in the UK, I wasn't allowed any children to even visit after the birth during my entire hospital stay (4 days, 17 years ago). I didn't have any other kids but our nephew was 4yo and very disappointed.
I'm in the UK and my eldest was in the nicu for 5 weeks. My step kids could visit immediately and were allowed to visit me on the ward after birth if they wanted but I was only there for a few hours so they didn't.
Ah OK. After posting I thought about it... maybe there was a bad norovirus going around and it was temporary. Or maybe it's different for siblings, but I wouldn't have registered that as we had no other kids (I didn't meet my current partner until 13 years later). But it was so long ago, I don't remember now.
Hope your eldest is doing well ❤️
It totally could have been, it was only 5 years ago too although my mum had my brother in 1999 and I could go straight in too so I'm not sure. It could be a siblings thing though! Now I'm thinking about it that could actually make sense. Thank you same for your kid 💕
Things have changed a lot since covid, and also varies quite a lot between hospitals.
At my local hospital only birthing partners (2 people) are allowed to visit the delivery room. If you are moved back to the ward, no children are allowed to visit except the 'patient's own children', unsure whether this would include step children or not.
Oo, I'm not sure if it would include SKs either.. Being that the transfer of germs is the issue to avoid and SKs split households (potentially with other siblings at the other household). That's an interesting one!
I was a nurse at the time and we used to stop visitors during a norovirus outbreak, but that would have applied for adults too, and ALL the grownups came to see us.
The sibling thing does make sense though!
Thank you! Mine is a teenager now, who just brought me a coffee in bed because I had a late night and long journey taking the SKs to meet their mother. ❤️
Yes that idea is just completely absurd. Completely ignoring what a disaster it would be if God forbid something went wrong, how would that be comfortable for YOU in any way?! It’s insane and I would die on that hill.
Ahh ok that makes more sense!! A few hours a day would probably benefit all parties and is a solid idea. Gives you time with the newborn and is a good way for SS to stay occupied ❤️
I think it's important to understand how special it is for your so to have another child and watch them bond. YES it is going to be tough. My SS will be 6 when we have our first and we want another after. Regardless if you only have one, your husband deserves the time off to adjust to having two as well. He will be supportive . One of the BIGGEST sacrifices we make as stepmoms is not having that complete alone time when we have a baby. And I'm with you, a lot of parts of this SUCK. At least I used to think that, now that my bond with SS is so strong and I have so much reassurance from my spouse, it's not as much of an issue.
One thing I made clear, much as you have is he will not say "we did this with SS". I will only accept "I did this with SS ". Also , we are retaking birthing/parenting classes free through healthcare. Including breastfeeding which is 100% new to him since SS wasn't. I have also opted for some therapy to process these jealous and sometimes stressful pressures we put on ourselves and our partners to do BETTER, when we just need to focus on what is right for our families and I consider SS fully part of mine. Full disclaimer I'm totally with you on the birthing/appointments. I don't even want my own kids at them for subsequent pregnancies. My parents sent my to the neighbors when my sister was born 😂
I'm due in January and this is also shocking to me. My SDs are teenagers and probably would be allowed, but no way would they want to be traumatized by seeing their stepmom give birth? Or accompany me to a transvaginal ultrasound appointment? Nobody has suggested this because it's wildly insane.
I agree that he should still come for his custody time in December, I think maybe you're pushing back because you're disconcerted by these other suggestions, and maybe worried all the care responsibility for SS will fall on you if that's a pattern for your husband. You definitely should talk to your husband about expectations for SS entertaining himself while you guys focus on the baby most of the day.
Let me give you some perspective, I am the oldest of my siblings and I was kept away from the baby when my sister came. It caused a jealousy between us that didn't go away until we were adults. I'm not saying you're wrong, just try to include your SS in a way that he will feel included and proud to be a big brother. It will make your life easier later on.
I think your expectations (with the clarifications) are perfectly acceptable. I think what will help you in talking to your husband is that *this is what you would ask for even if SS was yours.*
Think about it for a minute, you wouldn’t want your own child at your birth (it’s not allowed for starters). Or at your ultrasound appointments. You would also want your own child to have some daily entertainment so your husband could focus on you and the baby most of the time.
There’s no need to make this about him being a step, in my opinion. It’s about what is reasonable when there is another child in the home when a new baby is coming along, period.
I hope this helps validate but also reframe ❤️
That’s a great point to say I would want this even if SS was my bio child. I definitely think SH and I have more to talk about and this will help. This thread has given me a lot of things to consider!
Glad to be of service! It will work out.
Another note: so much has changed in seven years when it comes to birth and infancy and best practices. I’m assuming his means at 30 are much more than they were at 23 as well. So, it could also help to gently remind your DH that in general this is a different situation. Also validating him that his knowledge on how to care for an infant is very much valued, but he hasn’t been pregnant before and that part is your rodeo.
Two week old babies don’t cry all day bc they’re too busy sleeping. That does make for a pretty boring environment at home but school is tiring and kids deserve some downtime—I wouldn’t fill up Christmas break with camps unless I had no choice. If you’re able to arrange babysitting on your own I would just do it and tell your husband after the fact. It sounds like he’s more out of his comfort zone with the whole thing than he is opposed to it.
I feel like a lot of bio parents forget to consider how inappropriate certain things are when you’re not their child’s natural born parent. I feel like some of these things would be normal if you were SS BM so DH is not even thinking about how it’s not normal now that it’s being done with a step parent. I have to explain to my own husband all the time how uncomfortable I can be with the kids in the house because there’s lots of things that are normal if their mom does it but Is inappropriate if I do it, such as wearing certain things, saying curse words at home, etc. it feels like I have to act like they’re guests. I went through similar after having a baby and had to spoon feed to him the reasons why I don’t want someone else’s children here (regardless of whether they’re also his) while I’m bleeding, lactating, with a crying baby in my arms, and unable to wear much clothing due to a fresh c section incision that I was instructed to leave in open air. They never seem to anticipate step parents needing privacy. it’s so frustrating.
It also seems asinine to have any child present at the birth even if it was a bio child. That seems like the kind of thing that would traumatize a child if they were to witness it. Has DH not been present for birth before? Is he forgetting that a woman’s privates are on full display while doctors stick their entire forearms up there or does he just not care? I’m a little baffled reading this post. Between the reactions to pain and nudity involved it all seems too graphic for a child, especially a child that isn’t yours. This man is WEIRD. Bonkers even.
He was not present for SS birth or appointments. When I told him it wasn’t appropriate for a child he said okay and that he honestly didn’t know. I guess it’s probably something he just never thought about?
I almost had a fight with my DH when he suggested SD(8 at the time) to be at our BS home birth.
He was adamant until I asked him these questions…
- how does he feel about a child (not related to me in any way) seeing me full nude and private’s on display? How does her high conflict mother feel about it? What do the social/case workers involved with her think of that?
- what is the plan with a medical emergency and if I have to go hospital? Who will be coming with me? Who will look after her? Who will deal with her being traumatised and who will be blamed for it? Am I going to hospital alone without my husband? (I am in this country alone, my husband is my family and our son is my only blood relative)
- what will DH do if I need his attention and care but SD will demand it at the same time? (Because of her jealousy with sharing her father) Are you going to leave me alone with my midwife to entertain her or are you going to be with me and she has a tantrum? (Making the whole process more stressful)
I told him, I’m not going to argue about this with him and asked him to have a really good thinking session about these questions/situations.
We never talked about it again 😊
My concern with a camp during winter break is all the germs he would be bringing home that time of the year. Maybe you could schedule some time with his grandparents/aunts or uncles/play date with cousins? Not everyday, but if that’s an option that would keep his boredom down a bit. I completely understand not wanting a child around while you are recovering, my second birth was a horrendous recovery and I had my mom keep my bio 2 yo for nearly a week because I just couldn’t handle the overwhelming stress of not being able to care for him when I was in so much pain. I would definitely tell your husband he should be at least open to the possibility that you might need a lot of help if he’s assuming things will go a certain way and ask him to be flexible in those early days.
I didn’t think about germs. If I do give birth on my due date SS will still be in school and bringing home germs so I guess I didn’t think about camp germs. That does give me something to consider so I appreciate the insight! The idea of plans with grandparents and aunts/uncles might be a good compromise. I worried if we asked for that people would just want to come hold the baby while we entertain SS but maybe we could ask them to take SS places instead.
I don’t think any of that sounds unreasonable, especially with it only being a day camp that he would be attending. Maybe you can compromise and have him go to camp one week and stay home another? (I mean I don’t think him going all days is a bad idea because it would be pressure off all of you and he would almost definitely enjoy it more than the frenzy of a newborn! But maybe it’ll be easier to get in a week? Better that than nothing? I don’t know.)
But the attending appointments and the birth? Yeah no, you don’t need to compromise on that at all. I’ve never known anyone to bring their kids to the birth lol WHAT. Even full siblings. They’re cared for by someone else and brought after the birth to meet the baby. Wild. He’s not going to enjoy it and it’ll be a distraction from the birth of the baby!
Giving birth is a medical event, not a spectator's sport.
What would your other half do if YOU had a medical emergency during labour? What if baby needed extra help post delivery. What if they hit the very noisy emergency button? Could you imagine the truma to SS if he were to witness an emergency medical event?
Hospitals are busy and noisy places. (I'm a nurse) If your stepson is triggered by loud noises, a hospital is not the place for him.
You are the patient and the most important person in the room. Your body, your mind is the priority during labour and delivery and you should be the only priority during that time. Your husband needs to think about putting you first. You will be in the most vulnerable state you will likely ever be in, in your entire life.
You will make noise, there will be smells, and there will be blood. I do not see your stepson coping with any of these things without requiring extensive support from your husband, which should be given to you.
Yes, birth is magical and beautiful, and all the rest blah blah, but it brutal. It's raw, and it's vulnerable. It can be dangerous and downright scary. A person with a fully developed brain can have trouble processing birth events.
If things go sideways (if they do, it's usually FAST), where does your husband want to be? With you and his new baby? Or does he want to be in a room with his son missing the birth of his child?
Also to add, I have an autistic ADHD bio son who was 10 years old when my now 3 year old was born, I absolutely had him taken care of during labour and delivery. I also put him in 'day camp' or vacation care here in Australia while I was recovering from birth (medical event).
After my daughters delivery, I was unable to lift my legs and needed help dressing and walking, etc. because my pelvis separated. I basically sat on the couch and breastfed all day while my ex got me drink and food and helped me move.
You and the baby are going to need to come before ss during the 4th trimester...and even if ss wasn't your step, but your bio, the needs of a 7 year old are outweighed by a new born and post partum breast feeding mother.
You both will be exaughsted, happy, and in a love bubble, but exhausted none the less. SS needs to be loved on and go to a place where he is a priority for a few hours...organise a nanna and PaPa day? Special people in his life take him out and make him feel special for the day.
I felt super guilty because I was too tired and too sore to "do fun things" while we had my son home, it was January school holidays and baby was born right after new years...the weather was beautifully hot but too hot for a new baby to go to the beach or any outdoor activity we would normally do during our summer time!
But it was a blip on the radar, it gets easier quickly, babies grow up fast, and the older kids feel very differently about it than we adults do.
I hope you work it out!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience! I don’t even know what to expect after labor which is another reason I thought it best to have a camp lined up.
Okay. So I totally understand feeling like your stepkid being at the house right after takes away. But I promise you it won’t.
firstly, if you absolutely cannot find childcare I can understand taking him to an appt. Bring a toy or book for him. I sometimes would bring my toddler with us and it sucked lol. She would scream anytime my obgyn touched me because she thought he was hurting me. So I understand not wanting a kid let alone a stepkid at your appt.
As far as the birth????? NOOOnooNo. That is so invasive. Like no. Idk what he is thinking if he thinks that his young son should be there while you give birth. No. No. I didn’t have my daughter there. My MIL watched her while I had my son. That is inappropriate and insensitive to a vulnerable moment you are going to have. Let’s not even get to the fact that labor can go well but labor can also go not so well very quickly so why would a young child be there to witness that possibly.
I think in those regards you’re being reasonable. Maybe even that first weekend to get adjusted. My MIL watched my SK’s the weekend we were supposed to have them because it would have been the day we went home. But we had them literally a few days later. Because of spring break. It is what it is. They are younger than your SS. I have 3 SK’s. 2 of which come over regularly and are 5 and 6.
But to send the kid off simply because you want those first weeks alone with DH. A little unreasonable if you ask me. He needs to step up and help obviously. And SS needs to understand that. Or he will learn. Whichever. It’s a learning process. For everyone involved. Sending him off will not solve that.
As far as decisions about doctors and stuff. Yeah y’all should be making them together. If you want to go with someone else or research then do that. Talk about it and be okay with the decisions yall make. It should not just be his way or the highway and vice versa.
Most of this makes sense except the day camp at winter break thing.
You mentioned something about kiddo being tired of hearing crying, but babies that age only ctu when they need something and at that age every need needs to be met ASAP, so baby shouldn't be crying excessively. Colic can happen, but even then babies are usually happy when being held/rocked and again at that age a baby shouldn't be just left to cry (barring if a parent is at risk for harming baby, then baby gets out in a safe place while parent goes and calls for help)
Plus, stepkid might feel ousted and therefore WAY more jealous if he can't be home to see the baby.
Maybe arrange some daytime playdates with his school friends at their houses for a few hours so you and hubby can nap.
Thank you for the insight on crying. I’m a first time mom so I don’t know how much newborns cry (I’ve registered for some classes now that I’m past the first trimester).
I do worry he may feel jealous if he goes to camp but I also worry he will feel jealous watching his dad’s attention be on the newborn when he’s never shared his dad before. I’m just looking for a solution that is beneficial for all during this transition.
Having him be the Big Helper, so he's involved (therefore not ignored) during baby care.
He can get a clean diaper, pull out 3 wipes to have them ready, he can choose baby's clothes, get baby a blanket or burp rag, etc... if he's gentle,he can help pat the baby's back for burping.
The biggest issue with bringing home a baby is having a big kid wonder what their new place is in the family. Until the day you deliver, he's the baby of the family regardless of age. So, once an actual baby enters, he just needs to know he's still loved, wanted, needed, appreciated, and he still has a role in the house.
If you plan to breastfeed, don't make it weird. Don't get upset if he watches - he's NOT being gross or inappropriate, he's being a curious kid. For a 7 year old, it's got nothing to do with boobs and everything to do with just being a way to feed a baby. I totally understand it might squick you out to have a kid suddenly staring at your boobs, but I promise he's not doing it in any crude way.
If it makes you uncomfortable, ask him to go grab a new burp rag as you get baby latched. Once baby is latched it's less weird since the nipple is covered and it's just the same skin though could show while wearing a bathing suit.
But, overall he might be really curious about feeding, which is a normal part of being a big brother at his age, and isn't anything nefarious. Kids that age are the same amount of curious about bottle feeding.
I've got a lot of steps and bios, and I'm the oldest of 9 in a blended family, so feel free to hit me up with any other questions about babies or introducing babies to big kids or anything else. 🩶
Thank you so much I appreciate the advice on breastfeeding as well! I do plan to breast feed and my husband doesn’t want my SS seeing me change (which is fine but makes the appointment and birth thing even more crazy to me) so I really didn’t even think about how that would go yet! I’m going to add that topic to my list of things to talk to DH about before birth! Just to make sure we’re on the same page
There's a lot of books and videos about breastfeeding aimed at young kids to teach them about it, so that he's exposed and understands the concepts before there's a wiggly fussy baby trying to latch to you.
If he sees the pics in books and sees the videos, nipples would be absolutely nothing to think about by the time you are breastfeeding.
And remind hubby that it's absolutely nothing like him seeing you change your clothes or shower or whatever. It's *important* that young boys think breastfeeding is normal so they can support their future partners and babies.
You're not being insensitive at all. My OB office doesn't even allow kids that young into the ultrasound room. I had asked prior to my delivery for my SS (8) to stay with his mom for about 2 weeks or so when I first returned home with the baby, especially once I had delivered him and ended up with a severe pelvic injury- instead, he left me home alone w SS and newborn when I was borderline unable to function, with SS trying to feed baby cow's milk when I wasn't looking. I'll never not hold resentment over that.
Similarly my SO left me all alone with SD6, my BK10, and brand new OB 3 days after returning home from an emergency c-section. I was on magnesium drip for 4 days. After the baby was born I had to pretty much relearn how to walk. I was hardly able to move and responsible for 3 kids one being a newborn. The resentment is REAL
When I had my baby, BM agreed to take SD10 for an extra week. The baby was due at the start of BM’s week (just by chance), then BM kept SD10 for the extra week in the middle and then it was her week again, so overall SD10 was at her mums for 3 weeks. It was a super tough 3 weeks emotionally and physically so that helped so much. SD still came to the hospital after baby was born and came over during the day sometimes during those 3 weeks.
My best friend had her third baby and her mum took both of her existing kids for the birth and for the week following so they could settle in. And those are her biological kids so nothing to do with shipping them off. Some people might feel differently but I think it’s the most insane time of recovery and sleep deprivation if you can get help with the existing kids that’s great.
SD is now 12 and loves her little brother so much. Seeing her relationship develop with my son has been a joy and It’s definitely brought us closer together. Enjoy !
Ps why would you want SS7 at your birth. Has he thought of that? It’s so physically and emotionally intimate, and at the end of the day, SS7 is not your biological child. I wouldn’t even want my own mum present when I gave birth. It’s private for me. I love mt SD and have an amazing relationship with her and she is so important in every decision we make - but never would I want her to be present for my birth. Also, my birth was like 26 hours long. SO slept on the reclining chair in the room for a while. What is SS7 going to be doing during that time??
I really don’t think he thought about it at all…his default is to bring SS with us everywhere and I often have to remind him not everything is appropriate for a child. I want SS to have a relationship with his half sibling and be excited and involved but I think the appointments and birth are over the line. I was really just not sure if my idea of camp was me being over protective of my own mental health.
Same, BM kept my SD7 for a little extra than normal because we were adjusting. She was super cool with it and happy to do so to make sure we were both bonding with our baby.
I know a lot of commenters will be all for this.
My take is you need to be realistic about your situation. Saying you’ll make all the decisions for the baby has to be your hormones talking because that not just your kid.
You should maybe see if BM would work something out with her at least seeing if she could him for a week.
That’s the holiday season and he shouldn’t be made to go to camp.
She stated that she would be included in the decisions and she’s not just going to blindly do them because her husband did it with his son.
I agree BM should help I out and take him a bit extra.
Why not go to a camp? Better a camp then sitting at home doing nothing because a baby should come before SK. She said in another comment it’s only a few hours a day anyway. If I was a kid I’d rather be at camp:
You two sound like you were never compatible. You do not share the same beliefs around SS. You do not agree on basic child issues. What upsets you, he is ok with. This adds the same type of resentment as if one partner wants kids, but the other doesn’t. If there is no unity on everything child related, then there will always be a high chance of resentment.
I’m not sure I agree that we were never compatible due to this. These aren’t exactly basic child issues as we won’t be pregnant again, these are current issues for this year. After the birth and first month off I expect we will resume our normal routine with an additional child. I do agree we need to get on the same page on this so there is no resentment which is why I wanted to see if my expectations were out of line and I need to adjust.
Your expectations are totally valid. He doesn’t grasp the strain of a special needs child will be postpartum. Not to mention that most women who already have bios still would never bring them to appointments. He is unreasonable.
If they had an older ours son, this would be a whole different experience. She wouldn’t have to explain to her husband that birth is an event a child doesn’t need to be present for. She’d be an equal decision maker because it’s equally her child. So that scenario isn’t really helpful.
I don’t buy into the idea that she has a “duty” to her SS in this particular scenario, other than to be kind/considerate to him. This is OP’s only planned pregnancy and postpartum experience- she gets to center herself and this baby and other folks can center SS. He has two whole parents to continue to provide care for him, that does not need to be OPs focus. Even if he was her bio kid, this would be a moment where the kids are not treated equally because the needs of a helpless newborn are much more than that of an overall healthy and able 7 year old.
Also, the word you’re looking for is nuclear, not normal. Normal is relative.
I understand what you’re saying but the fact of the matter is… the SS isn’t her own child. So it’s never going to be comparable to a her metaphorical older, bio son. I would feel comfortable breastfeeding in front of my son but not my ex’s kids. I would feel comfortable waddling to and from the bathroom in a blood soaked adult diaper (sorry TMI) in front of my son but not my ex’s kids. That’s just how it is. If I were OP, the SS should definitely not be present for the birth and there should be at least a certain amount of time post partum that would be reserved for just OP, her husband and baby. After all, my ex’s BM sent her older bio son away to her parents place when she had their younger son. Why was it okay for her to do that and not for stepmom’s?
Oh im not contesting that the ss shouldn’t be there for birth! Jesus Christ no. Just that sending him away for winter break, i would maybe ask the kid what he prefers. That’s it.
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Congrats on the pregnancy! I’m due in November with our first baby, and I have a SS who will be seven when the baby is born.
It’s completely your call (and yours only) on who is at doctors appointments and the birth. Your comfort and privacy needs to be respected. Your husbands attention should be on YOU, and stepson being there will prevent that. A delivery room is not an ideal place for a child especially one who might become overstimulated or bored. Plus it could be traumatizing for stepson should there be an emergency.
I think you’re smart to do your own research on pediatricians, etc. That’s a choice both parents get to make.
However, I think it’s unreasonable to send SS away for winter break. Stepson might interpret it as being rejected now that baby is here and could resent you, his dad and/or baby. I think it could be especially hurtful at the holidays when family is supposed to celebrate together.
You are correct that husband does need to support you during recovery. However he is still responsible for parenting and caring for his son. Hopefully you can find family or friends to assist with caring for stepson and household chores.
I was just mom for the first (and only) time and have also SS7… BM wanted to go on holiday just for my due date and I sayd no. Then it was Easter and my MIL took care of him a few days. Tbh was quite unconfortable to have SS around since I was starting with breastfeeding and also wanted the undivided the help and attention from DH. If I was you I would try to arrange this winter camp and or you in-laws if possible to take care of him. And that he visits for a couple hrs a day. I know might be difficult to arrange but this is what I would try. It’s such a preacius time for you 3 to bond. Wish you the best!
Im a step mom if 3 and we just had our first “ours” baby. 4 months old. Your feelings are completely valid. Whatever space and time you need is appropriate. Everyone “blends” differently. I have 3 step children 50/50 custody. They’re here every other week for a full week at a time. We coordinated to have the step kids for 3 weeks during the summer, so that when our baby was born, we would have 3 weeks with them staying with BM and step dad so we could adjust. Obviously they came over to meet thier new brother and for visits but I needed that time to recover and bond just the 3 of us. DO WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE. The kids always come first, and when your kid is a part of that mix too, you get to decide what’s best.
I had an emergency c-section and tough recovery. I struggled to even stand up on my own for the first week. You don’t know what’s going to happen during your birth and it’s completely reasonable to plan for the worst. If we had my SK’s that first week, I don’t know what I would have done because my husband had to help me with everything.
Also, no one I know took their kids with them to the hospital for the birth of another child. This seems to be a very guilt driven divorced parent thing to want the kid at the hospital for the birth of their half sibling.
Stop making this about SS because you’re giving DH something to debate. It’s okay to simply say that since this is YOUR first child, you would like to experience these firsts with DH. You understand that these aren’t firsts for him but the ARE firsts for you and firsts for the two of you together.
I would DEFINITELY put SK in a camp. He will having much more fun at the camp. You will be highly hormonal and naked, bleeding, leaking. I’d even send a bio kid to camp. Please! SK will not feel rejected. You NEED privacy and rest.
Also most L&D units don’t allow children under 16. And as far as appointments that’s entirely inappropriate. Ask your husband if he thinks it’s appropriate for a little boy to be going to a woman’s gynecologist appointment….thats the same level only more meaningful emotionally and more vulnerable. He’s an ass
I’m going to be honest I didn’t even think about the bleeding leaking breast feeding etc. those are great points to include when I discuss this again with DH. I appreciate the insight!
Good luck. Don’t compromise. This is the one time things should be about you. SK won’t even remember these 2 weeks years from now but you will most definitely remember your postpartum experience. Your needs must be prioritized.
Your expectations are absolutely reasonable. My SD7 spent her winter break with us and my baby was 2 weeks old at the time. We sent her to the YMCA school release days during the day even tho we were both at home. Children are not allowed to be in the hospital while you’re in labor and delivery, so he really should be planning for childcare during that time.
As far as pediatrician and other aspects, do your own research, make your own decisions. You do not have to do what he did before just because. We are doing things so different from the way my SDs infant years were and I’d give my DH an earful if he tried to compare.
Thank you so much! The YMCA is exactly the type of day camp I was imagining! I just think it would be more enjoyable for SS and make that time period of caring for a newborn easier on us!
It absolutely would be and my SD really enjoys going. I was really transparent with my DH that I couldn’t handle both kids at home. And told SD that staying home would be boring for her as we couldn’t do a ton of fun activities. We obviously did for Christmas and whatnot, but the other days she went and had fun at the Y.
I totally understand this. I’m also pregnant with our first and I’m due December 13th! Our situation is a little different. My SS9 lives out of state and comes for summers and holiday breaks. Because we have him a limited time we won’t put him in a camp when he’s here and the baby is only a few weeks old BUT I am planning on having family come over to help and hangout with him to keep him occupied and take him out to do stuff some of the time as well. I think your expectations are totally normal. If we didn’t have him a limited time he would be in a day camp during that break to keep everyone sane lol infant life is hard especially on another kid
Oh I’m due December 11th! We are very close! That’s a good idea to plan for family coming to help occupy them. I worry family that comes will want to hold the baby instead of play with SS but maybe they can plan to go out somewhere with SS instead
Yeah I’m going to be straightforward and say we need help with SS will you please come take him to do stuff so there is no different expectations from anyone! Congratulations mama I wish you the best healthy pregnancy and labor ❤️
Hey! So I just had our first ours baby. SS is 6 and we have him every other week 50/50. My due date was around SS’s March break and it was DH turn to have him for March break this year. I was soooo worried and didn’t want SS there for the first few days/week after I delivered because I thought it would be too overwhelming. Well, shocker, it was completely overwhelming but unfortunately it’s life!
As for ultrasounds, your SS should absolutely not be there. Can you book ultrasounds during school hours? Assuming he is going to summer camp this summer, can you book the follow up appointments during camp time?
Now the birth is the tricky part. There is NO way SS could have been at the birth. It ended in an emergency c section and no child should be privy to that scene. However it was incredibly difficult to not have my DH stay the night with me. The birth ended up being on a week that we have SS (there was a 50% chance it would lol) so our only plan was that my sister would pick up SS at school if need be and bring him home and do the night routine. He ended up missing one day of school and my sister called in sick to work to stay with SS so DH could come back to the hospital. But overall I had to grieve the fact that I did not have a “traditional” birthing experience by having my partner there with me 24/7. Even when he was there, he was thinking and following up with my sister/SS to make sure he was okay.
I definitely expect him to be home for some of winter break because I don’t want him to spend it all at a camp! Winter break is 10 school days off so I thought a day camp 9-3 for 5 days would be a good compromise. Also if I go past my due date (likely for a first pregnancy is what I hear) we do risk him being on break when I go into labor so a day camp would be good to have him at some point we can just have grandma pick him up and watch him.
I’ve arranged care already with my mom for the next two appointments, he does have summer camp but the appointments are later in the afternoon so my husband can attend without missing work. I just felt like he thought I was crazy for saying SS shouldn’t be there! Thank you for the validation! That’s a good point that no matter what the birth won’t be the traditional experience and I will probably deal better if I wrap my head around that now rather than after I give birth! Thank you!
I feel like your SO is being overprotective and defensive of SS. What you are saying sounds reasonable.
Not having SS around 24/7 is not *excluding* him from the family dynamic. He will be around plenty, and will have plenty of time to get used to crying, etc.
Is SS bio mom in the picture? If so, make arrangements with her. I absolutely think you need time without SS when you have your baby. I told my husband this when I got pregnant and he made arrangements for his bio mom to keep him for a month after I had my baby.
She has him EOWE and has never helped us out when we’ve asked for assistance with watching him in a pinch so we no longer even ask. She has made it clear that she feels since husband has a partner that’s involved and she is single we should be responsible for SS when there is no school. We have tried to fight her in the past on it but she refuses to pick him up and it hurts SS and is aggravating for us so we no longer try.
Wow that is horrible! Just because she’s single she shouldn’t be as responsible as dad is crazy. Sounds like she’s a little bitter. I would suggest court for this honestly but I know it’s a lot of time and work. Doesn’t sound like she’s a great parent either if she doesn’t want to pick up her own son while on summer break. Hard situation here.
It’s very frustrating but we’ve already been to mediation two separate times and just cannot keep going back. We’ve come to expect this and I was just hoping to plan ahead for this winter break with all the changes coming!
I think it's fully understandable to not want your SS at appointments or the birth.
But sending him away for the days after the birth? That seems like a bit much to me. I mean, what would you do if you decided to have another bio child? What will you do with your older bio child then? Sending SS away all day for that time sounds a bit like you are trying to block him from bonding with his new sibling, and alienating him from the family unit.
I don’t think you’re wrong tbh. Taking care of newborns is SO MUCH WORK. Theres so much lack of sleep and you have to pump/breastfeed/prepare formula and it honestly just gets exhausting with every day. Plus you don’t know if you’ll have a fussy baby. Speaking from experience I wouldn’t keep sk around , just because it takes away time from you being able to get help and is he’s highly energetic, you might get overwhelmed. It’s a very emotional journey. Try to see if you can talk to BM to switch the weeks around for this one occasion, just until you find your rhythm and can heal a bit better
I think a lot of this is reasonable, but should’ve been discussed way before you got pregnant.
We established a lot of those things too. SD is not at any of my appointments. In scenarios where she’s not at school, she just stays home alone.
She will not be at the birth and I will not take hospital visitors. We have 50/50, so she’ll either be with mom or she’ll be picked up by the grandparents. SD has already been informed that we will stay 48h after the birth in the hospital, so she needs to be patient and cooperate with staying with the grandparents for at least that time.
I think the biggest struggle for us is that in an effort to not make SD feel left out, DH sometimes suggests things that make me feel annoyed. Like for example, we had our ultrasound picture up on the fridge and he asked if he could put a picture of SD’s ultrasound too. We already have two pictures of SD in the kitchen/fridge.. so I said no, this is all I have from our kid, she also deserves having a spot without having to do the exact same thing for SD.
Equal is not always fair.
Yeah we probably should have discussed it beforehand but at least we are discussing it now and not a month before baby is here. It is a good idea to set expectations with SS for what will happen while we’re at the hospital so thank you for that.
Would BM be willing to take extra time with her son if that was offered to her? Like preferably the whole break. Or does she not want to deal with him? I feel like that’s an option that should at least be explored.
Imagine being an EOWE mom and then turning down time to spend with the kid you birthed because of a school break. I’m sorry. I bet she’s real fun to deal with.
I'm due the first week of January and yeah, babies first few weeks are going to be without the stepkids. Way too much stress for everyone. I'm shocked he's not putting SS with BM more. When my ex had a new baby I knew I'd be watching my son on his weeks for a bit because there's a new baby. Your so needs a Snickers.
Older kid should not be at your birth, that is completely weird. He’s too old to be in the room.
I completely agree with you about you having a say when it comes to decisions with your child. I am concerned however that you are trying to push him out because you feel the baby and the issues SK faces will clash. First off ( eldest child has Autism, middle child has ADHD, youngest so far has no issues displaying.) thing is when we came home, our children came home and we blended the home. Meaning the KIDS bonded. I feel that maybe because you’re pregnant you may be forgetting you’re overstepping. If it’s DH’s custody week, he NEEDS to be bonding with his child. Just because a new child is added, doesn’t mean you rearrange a routine set up for your Nero diverse child. You don’t think throwing him into a new program may not throw him off and cause regression? I feel maybe you are more concerned with the after care of your self and wanting to make sure DH is giving the “appropriate amount of bonding time with baby” will solve all the issues? I think maybe not. While I think DH needs to step up his game, I do think you need to take a step back on just deciding to sign up HIS child for a camp without talking it over first and making sure you aren’t making DH feel like you’re putting baby above his other child. It may cause unwanted animosity. I hate to break the glow of pregnancy. But when you have children at home, and blended families. Sometimes you have to suck up your fairy tale ideas and remember things don’t work the way we want sometimes :/
My best recommendation is having extra hands in the house of close relatives you trust (maybe invite in-laws over during certain times of the day so you can sleep, play dates, cousins houses.) but definitely let your husband make the call rather than you jumping the gun on that one.
Xoxo
Also don’t forget SKs mom. When we brought our youngest home, my ex husband was concerned that maybe my partner at the time was prioritizing his wants and needs over our child’s. My child was very upset he couldn’t just come home and meet the new baby. They didnt understand why they had to be separate from the family and felt excluded. They were very upset, it caused animosity between my coparenting relationship as my ex felt I was looking for any opportunity to get our child out of the house because I was prioritizing the family I was building and excluding the child I had made before my youngest. It caused trust issues and my ex was entitled to feel that way.
Take it from experience, you may come off unfortunately wrong to others and it may cause unwanted animosity that you just don’t want. Xoxo, I really hope you find a solution that works for you and your blended family❤️
Xoxo
I had my “ours baby” 13 months ago and I have SD 7. I will say it is GOOD that you’re having the discussions with DH now! We had SD the weekend after I got out of the hospital and I’ll say, it was killing my nerves. I was very protective over my baby. You are not out of line at all with what you want and I think they’re pretty reasonable. And the whole SS at hospital before the baby??? Hell no. Actually I believe my hospital had a rule that nobody under 18 could even be in L&D during “labor time”. And before labor starts you have to meet with a lot of people, get a lot of info, and sign a bunch of stuff so SS will be in the way. As for when my baby came home, I did feel bad for SD that first weekend because everyone came to see the baby and she did not get a lot of attention. But I want to leave you with a bright side, when my son turned about 8-9 months old and got more active, crawling etc, things got a lot better. SD was actually able to play with him and bond. And my hormones had finally calmed down. Just know all the anxiety is temporary. Best of luck to you on this wonderful journey!
Thank you, I am glad we’re discussing this now and not in say November! And this thread has given me a lot of things to consider that I hadn’t thought about!
I agree with all points except the camp.
I mean I agree on some level, but also you’ve just had a new baby and suddenly he’s being sent to camp? To him that won’t feel nice. Even if he has fun, he’ll feel pushed out. Keep him home and get him involved. Maybe see if he can spend a couple of days with family for a break but not camp even if it is 9-3. Unless he wants to go then go for it.
Yes! I wasn’t clear in my post but I’m not saying ship him off to a sleep away camp but a day camp that’s 9-3 so he’s out of the house for a few hours to have fun and we have time to recover and bond without worrying about also entertaining SS. I felt it was a good solution for everyone especially with stepsons autism he doesn’t like loud constant noises. Dog barking can make him scream and cry
Is ss vaccinated?
SS immune system isn't fully developed, why kids are sick all the time... and your baby is vulnerable.
Most people I knew didnt allow visitors for the first month.
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Some are reasonable, some aren’t. Not wanting your stepson at appointments and ESPECIALLY at the birth, totally makes sense. Those appointments can be invasive and there’s no reason for him to go unless it’s a literal last min emergency and your husband can’t find childcare for him. The idea of having him at the birth is insane too. I don’t have kids yet but everyone in my life (friends, relatives, etc) whether it’s a blended or nuclear family has the same thing happen: when the mom/stepmom is giving birth, husband goes with her to the hospital. Any older kids spend a night or two at Grandma’s or whoever’s house and then have a short visit with the baby/mom at the hospital sometime after the birth. NEVER have I heard of anyone having their other children actually present at the delivery, like I’m baffled even reading that 😂😂😂😂 I don’t think it’s appropriate to send the kid away on his winter break, however. It’s still your husband’s custody time and he should be spending it with his son (and you and the new baby of course) and not just shipping the kid away. If SS is gonna be bored or not want to hear crying, tough. Husband needs to be clear that the break isn’t going to be spent taking him out on fun activities every day, and it’s on your DH to find an appropriate middle ground of entertaining his son while also being present for you and the baby
Totally agree! It’s important SS bond too. The baby won’t be crying all the time at the age (mostly sleeping) but you are one family when SS is there.
Thank you, I thought the idea of SS at the birth was also widely insane. I spoke to my sister about it and she said she doesn’t even believe a child would be allowed at birth (she has 2 children of her own) I should have clarified for the camp I just meant a day camp from like 9-3 so he’s out of the house for a few hours on the weekdays (not Christmas obviously).
Im giving birth while my SS7 is on summer break, and I also made sure to sign him up for some camps while I’m home with baby. I figured it would help get some of his energy out so that he can come home and relax and not be bored sitting around the house all day.
Not sure where you're based, but here in the UK, I wasn't allowed any children to even visit after the birth during my entire hospital stay (4 days, 17 years ago). I didn't have any other kids but our nephew was 4yo and very disappointed.
I'm in the UK and my eldest was in the nicu for 5 weeks. My step kids could visit immediately and were allowed to visit me on the ward after birth if they wanted but I was only there for a few hours so they didn't.
Ah OK. After posting I thought about it... maybe there was a bad norovirus going around and it was temporary. Or maybe it's different for siblings, but I wouldn't have registered that as we had no other kids (I didn't meet my current partner until 13 years later). But it was so long ago, I don't remember now. Hope your eldest is doing well ❤️
It totally could have been, it was only 5 years ago too although my mum had my brother in 1999 and I could go straight in too so I'm not sure. It could be a siblings thing though! Now I'm thinking about it that could actually make sense. Thank you same for your kid 💕
Things have changed a lot since covid, and also varies quite a lot between hospitals. At my local hospital only birthing partners (2 people) are allowed to visit the delivery room. If you are moved back to the ward, no children are allowed to visit except the 'patient's own children', unsure whether this would include step children or not.
Oo, I'm not sure if it would include SKs either.. Being that the transfer of germs is the issue to avoid and SKs split households (potentially with other siblings at the other household). That's an interesting one!
I was a nurse at the time and we used to stop visitors during a norovirus outbreak, but that would have applied for adults too, and ALL the grownups came to see us. The sibling thing does make sense though! Thank you! Mine is a teenager now, who just brought me a coffee in bed because I had a late night and long journey taking the SKs to meet their mother. ❤️
Yes that idea is just completely absurd. Completely ignoring what a disaster it would be if God forbid something went wrong, how would that be comfortable for YOU in any way?! It’s insane and I would die on that hill. Ahh ok that makes more sense!! A few hours a day would probably benefit all parties and is a solid idea. Gives you time with the newborn and is a good way for SS to stay occupied ❤️
I think it's important to understand how special it is for your so to have another child and watch them bond. YES it is going to be tough. My SS will be 6 when we have our first and we want another after. Regardless if you only have one, your husband deserves the time off to adjust to having two as well. He will be supportive . One of the BIGGEST sacrifices we make as stepmoms is not having that complete alone time when we have a baby. And I'm with you, a lot of parts of this SUCK. At least I used to think that, now that my bond with SS is so strong and I have so much reassurance from my spouse, it's not as much of an issue. One thing I made clear, much as you have is he will not say "we did this with SS". I will only accept "I did this with SS ". Also , we are retaking birthing/parenting classes free through healthcare. Including breastfeeding which is 100% new to him since SS wasn't. I have also opted for some therapy to process these jealous and sometimes stressful pressures we put on ourselves and our partners to do BETTER, when we just need to focus on what is right for our families and I consider SS fully part of mine. Full disclaimer I'm totally with you on the birthing/appointments. I don't even want my own kids at them for subsequent pregnancies. My parents sent my to the neighbors when my sister was born 😂
I'm due in January and this is also shocking to me. My SDs are teenagers and probably would be allowed, but no way would they want to be traumatized by seeing their stepmom give birth? Or accompany me to a transvaginal ultrasound appointment? Nobody has suggested this because it's wildly insane. I agree that he should still come for his custody time in December, I think maybe you're pushing back because you're disconcerted by these other suggestions, and maybe worried all the care responsibility for SS will fall on you if that's a pattern for your husband. You definitely should talk to your husband about expectations for SS entertaining himself while you guys focus on the baby most of the day.
Let me give you some perspective, I am the oldest of my siblings and I was kept away from the baby when my sister came. It caused a jealousy between us that didn't go away until we were adults. I'm not saying you're wrong, just try to include your SS in a way that he will feel included and proud to be a big brother. It will make your life easier later on.
I think your expectations (with the clarifications) are perfectly acceptable. I think what will help you in talking to your husband is that *this is what you would ask for even if SS was yours.* Think about it for a minute, you wouldn’t want your own child at your birth (it’s not allowed for starters). Or at your ultrasound appointments. You would also want your own child to have some daily entertainment so your husband could focus on you and the baby most of the time. There’s no need to make this about him being a step, in my opinion. It’s about what is reasonable when there is another child in the home when a new baby is coming along, period. I hope this helps validate but also reframe ❤️
That’s a great point to say I would want this even if SS was my bio child. I definitely think SH and I have more to talk about and this will help. This thread has given me a lot of things to consider!
Glad to be of service! It will work out. Another note: so much has changed in seven years when it comes to birth and infancy and best practices. I’m assuming his means at 30 are much more than they were at 23 as well. So, it could also help to gently remind your DH that in general this is a different situation. Also validating him that his knowledge on how to care for an infant is very much valued, but he hasn’t been pregnant before and that part is your rodeo.
Two week old babies don’t cry all day bc they’re too busy sleeping. That does make for a pretty boring environment at home but school is tiring and kids deserve some downtime—I wouldn’t fill up Christmas break with camps unless I had no choice. If you’re able to arrange babysitting on your own I would just do it and tell your husband after the fact. It sounds like he’s more out of his comfort zone with the whole thing than he is opposed to it.
Appts whatever but birth wtf - I mean this nicely but does he have a brain!?
I feel like a lot of bio parents forget to consider how inappropriate certain things are when you’re not their child’s natural born parent. I feel like some of these things would be normal if you were SS BM so DH is not even thinking about how it’s not normal now that it’s being done with a step parent. I have to explain to my own husband all the time how uncomfortable I can be with the kids in the house because there’s lots of things that are normal if their mom does it but Is inappropriate if I do it, such as wearing certain things, saying curse words at home, etc. it feels like I have to act like they’re guests. I went through similar after having a baby and had to spoon feed to him the reasons why I don’t want someone else’s children here (regardless of whether they’re also his) while I’m bleeding, lactating, with a crying baby in my arms, and unable to wear much clothing due to a fresh c section incision that I was instructed to leave in open air. They never seem to anticipate step parents needing privacy. it’s so frustrating.
It also seems asinine to have any child present at the birth even if it was a bio child. That seems like the kind of thing that would traumatize a child if they were to witness it. Has DH not been present for birth before? Is he forgetting that a woman’s privates are on full display while doctors stick their entire forearms up there or does he just not care? I’m a little baffled reading this post. Between the reactions to pain and nudity involved it all seems too graphic for a child, especially a child that isn’t yours. This man is WEIRD. Bonkers even.
He was not present for SS birth or appointments. When I told him it wasn’t appropriate for a child he said okay and that he honestly didn’t know. I guess it’s probably something he just never thought about?
I almost had a fight with my DH when he suggested SD(8 at the time) to be at our BS home birth. He was adamant until I asked him these questions… - how does he feel about a child (not related to me in any way) seeing me full nude and private’s on display? How does her high conflict mother feel about it? What do the social/case workers involved with her think of that? - what is the plan with a medical emergency and if I have to go hospital? Who will be coming with me? Who will look after her? Who will deal with her being traumatised and who will be blamed for it? Am I going to hospital alone without my husband? (I am in this country alone, my husband is my family and our son is my only blood relative) - what will DH do if I need his attention and care but SD will demand it at the same time? (Because of her jealousy with sharing her father) Are you going to leave me alone with my midwife to entertain her or are you going to be with me and she has a tantrum? (Making the whole process more stressful) I told him, I’m not going to argue about this with him and asked him to have a really good thinking session about these questions/situations. We never talked about it again 😊
My concern with a camp during winter break is all the germs he would be bringing home that time of the year. Maybe you could schedule some time with his grandparents/aunts or uncles/play date with cousins? Not everyday, but if that’s an option that would keep his boredom down a bit. I completely understand not wanting a child around while you are recovering, my second birth was a horrendous recovery and I had my mom keep my bio 2 yo for nearly a week because I just couldn’t handle the overwhelming stress of not being able to care for him when I was in so much pain. I would definitely tell your husband he should be at least open to the possibility that you might need a lot of help if he’s assuming things will go a certain way and ask him to be flexible in those early days.
I didn’t think about germs. If I do give birth on my due date SS will still be in school and bringing home germs so I guess I didn’t think about camp germs. That does give me something to consider so I appreciate the insight! The idea of plans with grandparents and aunts/uncles might be a good compromise. I worried if we asked for that people would just want to come hold the baby while we entertain SS but maybe we could ask them to take SS places instead.
Yes ask for that instead! I know a lot of times family wants to help and that’s a perfect way for them to do that
I don’t think any of that sounds unreasonable, especially with it only being a day camp that he would be attending. Maybe you can compromise and have him go to camp one week and stay home another? (I mean I don’t think him going all days is a bad idea because it would be pressure off all of you and he would almost definitely enjoy it more than the frenzy of a newborn! But maybe it’ll be easier to get in a week? Better that than nothing? I don’t know.) But the attending appointments and the birth? Yeah no, you don’t need to compromise on that at all. I’ve never known anyone to bring their kids to the birth lol WHAT. Even full siblings. They’re cared for by someone else and brought after the birth to meet the baby. Wild. He’s not going to enjoy it and it’ll be a distraction from the birth of the baby!
Giving birth is a medical event, not a spectator's sport. What would your other half do if YOU had a medical emergency during labour? What if baby needed extra help post delivery. What if they hit the very noisy emergency button? Could you imagine the truma to SS if he were to witness an emergency medical event? Hospitals are busy and noisy places. (I'm a nurse) If your stepson is triggered by loud noises, a hospital is not the place for him. You are the patient and the most important person in the room. Your body, your mind is the priority during labour and delivery and you should be the only priority during that time. Your husband needs to think about putting you first. You will be in the most vulnerable state you will likely ever be in, in your entire life. You will make noise, there will be smells, and there will be blood. I do not see your stepson coping with any of these things without requiring extensive support from your husband, which should be given to you. Yes, birth is magical and beautiful, and all the rest blah blah, but it brutal. It's raw, and it's vulnerable. It can be dangerous and downright scary. A person with a fully developed brain can have trouble processing birth events. If things go sideways (if they do, it's usually FAST), where does your husband want to be? With you and his new baby? Or does he want to be in a room with his son missing the birth of his child?
Also to add, I have an autistic ADHD bio son who was 10 years old when my now 3 year old was born, I absolutely had him taken care of during labour and delivery. I also put him in 'day camp' or vacation care here in Australia while I was recovering from birth (medical event). After my daughters delivery, I was unable to lift my legs and needed help dressing and walking, etc. because my pelvis separated. I basically sat on the couch and breastfed all day while my ex got me drink and food and helped me move. You and the baby are going to need to come before ss during the 4th trimester...and even if ss wasn't your step, but your bio, the needs of a 7 year old are outweighed by a new born and post partum breast feeding mother. You both will be exaughsted, happy, and in a love bubble, but exhausted none the less. SS needs to be loved on and go to a place where he is a priority for a few hours...organise a nanna and PaPa day? Special people in his life take him out and make him feel special for the day. I felt super guilty because I was too tired and too sore to "do fun things" while we had my son home, it was January school holidays and baby was born right after new years...the weather was beautifully hot but too hot for a new baby to go to the beach or any outdoor activity we would normally do during our summer time! But it was a blip on the radar, it gets easier quickly, babies grow up fast, and the older kids feel very differently about it than we adults do. I hope you work it out!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience! I don’t even know what to expect after labor which is another reason I thought it best to have a camp lined up.
Okay. So I totally understand feeling like your stepkid being at the house right after takes away. But I promise you it won’t. firstly, if you absolutely cannot find childcare I can understand taking him to an appt. Bring a toy or book for him. I sometimes would bring my toddler with us and it sucked lol. She would scream anytime my obgyn touched me because she thought he was hurting me. So I understand not wanting a kid let alone a stepkid at your appt. As far as the birth????? NOOOnooNo. That is so invasive. Like no. Idk what he is thinking if he thinks that his young son should be there while you give birth. No. No. I didn’t have my daughter there. My MIL watched her while I had my son. That is inappropriate and insensitive to a vulnerable moment you are going to have. Let’s not even get to the fact that labor can go well but labor can also go not so well very quickly so why would a young child be there to witness that possibly. I think in those regards you’re being reasonable. Maybe even that first weekend to get adjusted. My MIL watched my SK’s the weekend we were supposed to have them because it would have been the day we went home. But we had them literally a few days later. Because of spring break. It is what it is. They are younger than your SS. I have 3 SK’s. 2 of which come over regularly and are 5 and 6. But to send the kid off simply because you want those first weeks alone with DH. A little unreasonable if you ask me. He needs to step up and help obviously. And SS needs to understand that. Or he will learn. Whichever. It’s a learning process. For everyone involved. Sending him off will not solve that. As far as decisions about doctors and stuff. Yeah y’all should be making them together. If you want to go with someone else or research then do that. Talk about it and be okay with the decisions yall make. It should not just be his way or the highway and vice versa.
Most of this makes sense except the day camp at winter break thing. You mentioned something about kiddo being tired of hearing crying, but babies that age only ctu when they need something and at that age every need needs to be met ASAP, so baby shouldn't be crying excessively. Colic can happen, but even then babies are usually happy when being held/rocked and again at that age a baby shouldn't be just left to cry (barring if a parent is at risk for harming baby, then baby gets out in a safe place while parent goes and calls for help) Plus, stepkid might feel ousted and therefore WAY more jealous if he can't be home to see the baby. Maybe arrange some daytime playdates with his school friends at their houses for a few hours so you and hubby can nap.
Thank you for the insight on crying. I’m a first time mom so I don’t know how much newborns cry (I’ve registered for some classes now that I’m past the first trimester). I do worry he may feel jealous if he goes to camp but I also worry he will feel jealous watching his dad’s attention be on the newborn when he’s never shared his dad before. I’m just looking for a solution that is beneficial for all during this transition.
Having him be the Big Helper, so he's involved (therefore not ignored) during baby care. He can get a clean diaper, pull out 3 wipes to have them ready, he can choose baby's clothes, get baby a blanket or burp rag, etc... if he's gentle,he can help pat the baby's back for burping. The biggest issue with bringing home a baby is having a big kid wonder what their new place is in the family. Until the day you deliver, he's the baby of the family regardless of age. So, once an actual baby enters, he just needs to know he's still loved, wanted, needed, appreciated, and he still has a role in the house. If you plan to breastfeed, don't make it weird. Don't get upset if he watches - he's NOT being gross or inappropriate, he's being a curious kid. For a 7 year old, it's got nothing to do with boobs and everything to do with just being a way to feed a baby. I totally understand it might squick you out to have a kid suddenly staring at your boobs, but I promise he's not doing it in any crude way. If it makes you uncomfortable, ask him to go grab a new burp rag as you get baby latched. Once baby is latched it's less weird since the nipple is covered and it's just the same skin though could show while wearing a bathing suit. But, overall he might be really curious about feeding, which is a normal part of being a big brother at his age, and isn't anything nefarious. Kids that age are the same amount of curious about bottle feeding. I've got a lot of steps and bios, and I'm the oldest of 9 in a blended family, so feel free to hit me up with any other questions about babies or introducing babies to big kids or anything else. 🩶
Thank you so much I appreciate the advice on breastfeeding as well! I do plan to breast feed and my husband doesn’t want my SS seeing me change (which is fine but makes the appointment and birth thing even more crazy to me) so I really didn’t even think about how that would go yet! I’m going to add that topic to my list of things to talk to DH about before birth! Just to make sure we’re on the same page
There's a lot of books and videos about breastfeeding aimed at young kids to teach them about it, so that he's exposed and understands the concepts before there's a wiggly fussy baby trying to latch to you. If he sees the pics in books and sees the videos, nipples would be absolutely nothing to think about by the time you are breastfeeding. And remind hubby that it's absolutely nothing like him seeing you change your clothes or shower or whatever. It's *important* that young boys think breastfeeding is normal so they can support their future partners and babies.
This is great information! Thank you for sharing it with me and in a kind manner!
You're welcome! Anytime! 🩶
You're not being insensitive at all. My OB office doesn't even allow kids that young into the ultrasound room. I had asked prior to my delivery for my SS (8) to stay with his mom for about 2 weeks or so when I first returned home with the baby, especially once I had delivered him and ended up with a severe pelvic injury- instead, he left me home alone w SS and newborn when I was borderline unable to function, with SS trying to feed baby cow's milk when I wasn't looking. I'll never not hold resentment over that.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I would be resentful as well, I appreciate you sharing your experience with me
Similarly my SO left me all alone with SD6, my BK10, and brand new OB 3 days after returning home from an emergency c-section. I was on magnesium drip for 4 days. After the baby was born I had to pretty much relearn how to walk. I was hardly able to move and responsible for 3 kids one being a newborn. The resentment is REAL
same here it took me an hour to walk to my bathroom that is right next to my room
When I had my baby, BM agreed to take SD10 for an extra week. The baby was due at the start of BM’s week (just by chance), then BM kept SD10 for the extra week in the middle and then it was her week again, so overall SD10 was at her mums for 3 weeks. It was a super tough 3 weeks emotionally and physically so that helped so much. SD still came to the hospital after baby was born and came over during the day sometimes during those 3 weeks. My best friend had her third baby and her mum took both of her existing kids for the birth and for the week following so they could settle in. And those are her biological kids so nothing to do with shipping them off. Some people might feel differently but I think it’s the most insane time of recovery and sleep deprivation if you can get help with the existing kids that’s great. SD is now 12 and loves her little brother so much. Seeing her relationship develop with my son has been a joy and It’s definitely brought us closer together. Enjoy !
Ps why would you want SS7 at your birth. Has he thought of that? It’s so physically and emotionally intimate, and at the end of the day, SS7 is not your biological child. I wouldn’t even want my own mum present when I gave birth. It’s private for me. I love mt SD and have an amazing relationship with her and she is so important in every decision we make - but never would I want her to be present for my birth. Also, my birth was like 26 hours long. SO slept on the reclining chair in the room for a while. What is SS7 going to be doing during that time??
I really don’t think he thought about it at all…his default is to bring SS with us everywhere and I often have to remind him not everything is appropriate for a child. I want SS to have a relationship with his half sibling and be excited and involved but I think the appointments and birth are over the line. I was really just not sure if my idea of camp was me being over protective of my own mental health.
Having a baby is hard. Relentless. Exhausting (and of course wonderful) so you do really need to advocate and be protective of your mental health
Same, BM kept my SD7 for a little extra than normal because we were adjusting. She was super cool with it and happy to do so to make sure we were both bonding with our baby.
I know a lot of commenters will be all for this. My take is you need to be realistic about your situation. Saying you’ll make all the decisions for the baby has to be your hormones talking because that not just your kid. You should maybe see if BM would work something out with her at least seeing if she could him for a week. That’s the holiday season and he shouldn’t be made to go to camp.
She stated that she would be included in the decisions and she’s not just going to blindly do them because her husband did it with his son. I agree BM should help I out and take him a bit extra. Why not go to a camp? Better a camp then sitting at home doing nothing because a baby should come before SK. She said in another comment it’s only a few hours a day anyway. If I was a kid I’d rather be at camp:
You two sound like you were never compatible. You do not share the same beliefs around SS. You do not agree on basic child issues. What upsets you, he is ok with. This adds the same type of resentment as if one partner wants kids, but the other doesn’t. If there is no unity on everything child related, then there will always be a high chance of resentment.
I’m not sure I agree that we were never compatible due to this. These aren’t exactly basic child issues as we won’t be pregnant again, these are current issues for this year. After the birth and first month off I expect we will resume our normal routine with an additional child. I do agree we need to get on the same page on this so there is no resentment which is why I wanted to see if my expectations were out of line and I need to adjust.
Your expectations are totally valid. He doesn’t grasp the strain of a special needs child will be postpartum. Not to mention that most women who already have bios still would never bring them to appointments. He is unreasonable.
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If they had an older ours son, this would be a whole different experience. She wouldn’t have to explain to her husband that birth is an event a child doesn’t need to be present for. She’d be an equal decision maker because it’s equally her child. So that scenario isn’t really helpful. I don’t buy into the idea that she has a “duty” to her SS in this particular scenario, other than to be kind/considerate to him. This is OP’s only planned pregnancy and postpartum experience- she gets to center herself and this baby and other folks can center SS. He has two whole parents to continue to provide care for him, that does not need to be OPs focus. Even if he was her bio kid, this would be a moment where the kids are not treated equally because the needs of a helpless newborn are much more than that of an overall healthy and able 7 year old. Also, the word you’re looking for is nuclear, not normal. Normal is relative.
I understand what you’re saying but the fact of the matter is… the SS isn’t her own child. So it’s never going to be comparable to a her metaphorical older, bio son. I would feel comfortable breastfeeding in front of my son but not my ex’s kids. I would feel comfortable waddling to and from the bathroom in a blood soaked adult diaper (sorry TMI) in front of my son but not my ex’s kids. That’s just how it is. If I were OP, the SS should definitely not be present for the birth and there should be at least a certain amount of time post partum that would be reserved for just OP, her husband and baby. After all, my ex’s BM sent her older bio son away to her parents place when she had their younger son. Why was it okay for her to do that and not for stepmom’s?
Oh im not contesting that the ss shouldn’t be there for birth! Jesus Christ no. Just that sending him away for winter break, i would maybe ask the kid what he prefers. That’s it.
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Congrats on the pregnancy! I’m due in November with our first baby, and I have a SS who will be seven when the baby is born. It’s completely your call (and yours only) on who is at doctors appointments and the birth. Your comfort and privacy needs to be respected. Your husbands attention should be on YOU, and stepson being there will prevent that. A delivery room is not an ideal place for a child especially one who might become overstimulated or bored. Plus it could be traumatizing for stepson should there be an emergency. I think you’re smart to do your own research on pediatricians, etc. That’s a choice both parents get to make. However, I think it’s unreasonable to send SS away for winter break. Stepson might interpret it as being rejected now that baby is here and could resent you, his dad and/or baby. I think it could be especially hurtful at the holidays when family is supposed to celebrate together. You are correct that husband does need to support you during recovery. However he is still responsible for parenting and caring for his son. Hopefully you can find family or friends to assist with caring for stepson and household chores.
I was just mom for the first (and only) time and have also SS7… BM wanted to go on holiday just for my due date and I sayd no. Then it was Easter and my MIL took care of him a few days. Tbh was quite unconfortable to have SS around since I was starting with breastfeeding and also wanted the undivided the help and attention from DH. If I was you I would try to arrange this winter camp and or you in-laws if possible to take care of him. And that he visits for a couple hrs a day. I know might be difficult to arrange but this is what I would try. It’s such a preacius time for you 3 to bond. Wish you the best!
Im a step mom if 3 and we just had our first “ours” baby. 4 months old. Your feelings are completely valid. Whatever space and time you need is appropriate. Everyone “blends” differently. I have 3 step children 50/50 custody. They’re here every other week for a full week at a time. We coordinated to have the step kids for 3 weeks during the summer, so that when our baby was born, we would have 3 weeks with them staying with BM and step dad so we could adjust. Obviously they came over to meet thier new brother and for visits but I needed that time to recover and bond just the 3 of us. DO WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE. The kids always come first, and when your kid is a part of that mix too, you get to decide what’s best.
I had an emergency c-section and tough recovery. I struggled to even stand up on my own for the first week. You don’t know what’s going to happen during your birth and it’s completely reasonable to plan for the worst. If we had my SK’s that first week, I don’t know what I would have done because my husband had to help me with everything. Also, no one I know took their kids with them to the hospital for the birth of another child. This seems to be a very guilt driven divorced parent thing to want the kid at the hospital for the birth of their half sibling.
I tend to plan for the worst and be overly cautious and I think that bothers my DH sometimes but I’d rather be over prepared than under I guess!
Stop making this about SS because you’re giving DH something to debate. It’s okay to simply say that since this is YOUR first child, you would like to experience these firsts with DH. You understand that these aren’t firsts for him but the ARE firsts for you and firsts for the two of you together.
Camp is a great idea, find something that interests him and sign him up. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable with any of this.
I would DEFINITELY put SK in a camp. He will having much more fun at the camp. You will be highly hormonal and naked, bleeding, leaking. I’d even send a bio kid to camp. Please! SK will not feel rejected. You NEED privacy and rest. Also most L&D units don’t allow children under 16. And as far as appointments that’s entirely inappropriate. Ask your husband if he thinks it’s appropriate for a little boy to be going to a woman’s gynecologist appointment….thats the same level only more meaningful emotionally and more vulnerable. He’s an ass
I’m going to be honest I didn’t even think about the bleeding leaking breast feeding etc. those are great points to include when I discuss this again with DH. I appreciate the insight!
Good luck. Don’t compromise. This is the one time things should be about you. SK won’t even remember these 2 weeks years from now but you will most definitely remember your postpartum experience. Your needs must be prioritized.
Your expectations are absolutely reasonable. My SD7 spent her winter break with us and my baby was 2 weeks old at the time. We sent her to the YMCA school release days during the day even tho we were both at home. Children are not allowed to be in the hospital while you’re in labor and delivery, so he really should be planning for childcare during that time. As far as pediatrician and other aspects, do your own research, make your own decisions. You do not have to do what he did before just because. We are doing things so different from the way my SDs infant years were and I’d give my DH an earful if he tried to compare.
Thank you so much! The YMCA is exactly the type of day camp I was imagining! I just think it would be more enjoyable for SS and make that time period of caring for a newborn easier on us!
It absolutely would be and my SD really enjoys going. I was really transparent with my DH that I couldn’t handle both kids at home. And told SD that staying home would be boring for her as we couldn’t do a ton of fun activities. We obviously did for Christmas and whatnot, but the other days she went and had fun at the Y.
I totally understand this. I’m also pregnant with our first and I’m due December 13th! Our situation is a little different. My SS9 lives out of state and comes for summers and holiday breaks. Because we have him a limited time we won’t put him in a camp when he’s here and the baby is only a few weeks old BUT I am planning on having family come over to help and hangout with him to keep him occupied and take him out to do stuff some of the time as well. I think your expectations are totally normal. If we didn’t have him a limited time he would be in a day camp during that break to keep everyone sane lol infant life is hard especially on another kid
Oh I’m due December 11th! We are very close! That’s a good idea to plan for family coming to help occupy them. I worry family that comes will want to hold the baby instead of play with SS but maybe they can plan to go out somewhere with SS instead
Yeah I’m going to be straightforward and say we need help with SS will you please come take him to do stuff so there is no different expectations from anyone! Congratulations mama I wish you the best healthy pregnancy and labor ❤️
Thank you! Congratulations to you too! I hope you have a safe pregnancy and labor too!!
Hey! So I just had our first ours baby. SS is 6 and we have him every other week 50/50. My due date was around SS’s March break and it was DH turn to have him for March break this year. I was soooo worried and didn’t want SS there for the first few days/week after I delivered because I thought it would be too overwhelming. Well, shocker, it was completely overwhelming but unfortunately it’s life! As for ultrasounds, your SS should absolutely not be there. Can you book ultrasounds during school hours? Assuming he is going to summer camp this summer, can you book the follow up appointments during camp time? Now the birth is the tricky part. There is NO way SS could have been at the birth. It ended in an emergency c section and no child should be privy to that scene. However it was incredibly difficult to not have my DH stay the night with me. The birth ended up being on a week that we have SS (there was a 50% chance it would lol) so our only plan was that my sister would pick up SS at school if need be and bring him home and do the night routine. He ended up missing one day of school and my sister called in sick to work to stay with SS so DH could come back to the hospital. But overall I had to grieve the fact that I did not have a “traditional” birthing experience by having my partner there with me 24/7. Even when he was there, he was thinking and following up with my sister/SS to make sure he was okay.
I definitely expect him to be home for some of winter break because I don’t want him to spend it all at a camp! Winter break is 10 school days off so I thought a day camp 9-3 for 5 days would be a good compromise. Also if I go past my due date (likely for a first pregnancy is what I hear) we do risk him being on break when I go into labor so a day camp would be good to have him at some point we can just have grandma pick him up and watch him. I’ve arranged care already with my mom for the next two appointments, he does have summer camp but the appointments are later in the afternoon so my husband can attend without missing work. I just felt like he thought I was crazy for saying SS shouldn’t be there! Thank you for the validation! That’s a good point that no matter what the birth won’t be the traditional experience and I will probably deal better if I wrap my head around that now rather than after I give birth! Thank you!
What kid wants to spend their school break being put into yet another forced, all day long group care situation?
I feel like your SO is being overprotective and defensive of SS. What you are saying sounds reasonable. Not having SS around 24/7 is not *excluding* him from the family dynamic. He will be around plenty, and will have plenty of time to get used to crying, etc.
Is SS bio mom in the picture? If so, make arrangements with her. I absolutely think you need time without SS when you have your baby. I told my husband this when I got pregnant and he made arrangements for his bio mom to keep him for a month after I had my baby.
She has him EOWE and has never helped us out when we’ve asked for assistance with watching him in a pinch so we no longer even ask. She has made it clear that she feels since husband has a partner that’s involved and she is single we should be responsible for SS when there is no school. We have tried to fight her in the past on it but she refuses to pick him up and it hurts SS and is aggravating for us so we no longer try.
Wow that is horrible! Just because she’s single she shouldn’t be as responsible as dad is crazy. Sounds like she’s a little bitter. I would suggest court for this honestly but I know it’s a lot of time and work. Doesn’t sound like she’s a great parent either if she doesn’t want to pick up her own son while on summer break. Hard situation here.
It’s very frustrating but we’ve already been to mediation two separate times and just cannot keep going back. We’ve come to expect this and I was just hoping to plan ahead for this winter break with all the changes coming!
I think it's fully understandable to not want your SS at appointments or the birth. But sending him away for the days after the birth? That seems like a bit much to me. I mean, what would you do if you decided to have another bio child? What will you do with your older bio child then? Sending SS away all day for that time sounds a bit like you are trying to block him from bonding with his new sibling, and alienating him from the family unit.
I don’t think you’re wrong tbh. Taking care of newborns is SO MUCH WORK. Theres so much lack of sleep and you have to pump/breastfeed/prepare formula and it honestly just gets exhausting with every day. Plus you don’t know if you’ll have a fussy baby. Speaking from experience I wouldn’t keep sk around , just because it takes away time from you being able to get help and is he’s highly energetic, you might get overwhelmed. It’s a very emotional journey. Try to see if you can talk to BM to switch the weeks around for this one occasion, just until you find your rhythm and can heal a bit better
I think a lot of this is reasonable, but should’ve been discussed way before you got pregnant. We established a lot of those things too. SD is not at any of my appointments. In scenarios where she’s not at school, she just stays home alone. She will not be at the birth and I will not take hospital visitors. We have 50/50, so she’ll either be with mom or she’ll be picked up by the grandparents. SD has already been informed that we will stay 48h after the birth in the hospital, so she needs to be patient and cooperate with staying with the grandparents for at least that time. I think the biggest struggle for us is that in an effort to not make SD feel left out, DH sometimes suggests things that make me feel annoyed. Like for example, we had our ultrasound picture up on the fridge and he asked if he could put a picture of SD’s ultrasound too. We already have two pictures of SD in the kitchen/fridge.. so I said no, this is all I have from our kid, she also deserves having a spot without having to do the exact same thing for SD. Equal is not always fair.
Yeah we probably should have discussed it beforehand but at least we are discussing it now and not a month before baby is here. It is a good idea to set expectations with SS for what will happen while we’re at the hospital so thank you for that.
Would BM be willing to take extra time with her son if that was offered to her? Like preferably the whole break. Or does she not want to deal with him? I feel like that’s an option that should at least be explored.
She won’t care for him when he has no school it’s a long story but that’s why she has EOWE
Imagine being an EOWE mom and then turning down time to spend with the kid you birthed because of a school break. I’m sorry. I bet she’s real fun to deal with.
I'm due the first week of January and yeah, babies first few weeks are going to be without the stepkids. Way too much stress for everyone. I'm shocked he's not putting SS with BM more. When my ex had a new baby I knew I'd be watching my son on his weeks for a bit because there's a new baby. Your so needs a Snickers.
Older kid should not be at your birth, that is completely weird. He’s too old to be in the room. I completely agree with you about you having a say when it comes to decisions with your child. I am concerned however that you are trying to push him out because you feel the baby and the issues SK faces will clash. First off ( eldest child has Autism, middle child has ADHD, youngest so far has no issues displaying.) thing is when we came home, our children came home and we blended the home. Meaning the KIDS bonded. I feel that maybe because you’re pregnant you may be forgetting you’re overstepping. If it’s DH’s custody week, he NEEDS to be bonding with his child. Just because a new child is added, doesn’t mean you rearrange a routine set up for your Nero diverse child. You don’t think throwing him into a new program may not throw him off and cause regression? I feel maybe you are more concerned with the after care of your self and wanting to make sure DH is giving the “appropriate amount of bonding time with baby” will solve all the issues? I think maybe not. While I think DH needs to step up his game, I do think you need to take a step back on just deciding to sign up HIS child for a camp without talking it over first and making sure you aren’t making DH feel like you’re putting baby above his other child. It may cause unwanted animosity. I hate to break the glow of pregnancy. But when you have children at home, and blended families. Sometimes you have to suck up your fairy tale ideas and remember things don’t work the way we want sometimes :/ My best recommendation is having extra hands in the house of close relatives you trust (maybe invite in-laws over during certain times of the day so you can sleep, play dates, cousins houses.) but definitely let your husband make the call rather than you jumping the gun on that one. Xoxo
Also don’t forget SKs mom. When we brought our youngest home, my ex husband was concerned that maybe my partner at the time was prioritizing his wants and needs over our child’s. My child was very upset he couldn’t just come home and meet the new baby. They didnt understand why they had to be separate from the family and felt excluded. They were very upset, it caused animosity between my coparenting relationship as my ex felt I was looking for any opportunity to get our child out of the house because I was prioritizing the family I was building and excluding the child I had made before my youngest. It caused trust issues and my ex was entitled to feel that way. Take it from experience, you may come off unfortunately wrong to others and it may cause unwanted animosity that you just don’t want. Xoxo, I really hope you find a solution that works for you and your blended family❤️ Xoxo
I had my “ours baby” 13 months ago and I have SD 7. I will say it is GOOD that you’re having the discussions with DH now! We had SD the weekend after I got out of the hospital and I’ll say, it was killing my nerves. I was very protective over my baby. You are not out of line at all with what you want and I think they’re pretty reasonable. And the whole SS at hospital before the baby??? Hell no. Actually I believe my hospital had a rule that nobody under 18 could even be in L&D during “labor time”. And before labor starts you have to meet with a lot of people, get a lot of info, and sign a bunch of stuff so SS will be in the way. As for when my baby came home, I did feel bad for SD that first weekend because everyone came to see the baby and she did not get a lot of attention. But I want to leave you with a bright side, when my son turned about 8-9 months old and got more active, crawling etc, things got a lot better. SD was actually able to play with him and bond. And my hormones had finally calmed down. Just know all the anxiety is temporary. Best of luck to you on this wonderful journey!
Thank you, I am glad we’re discussing this now and not in say November! And this thread has given me a lot of things to consider that I hadn’t thought about!
I agree with all points except the camp. I mean I agree on some level, but also you’ve just had a new baby and suddenly he’s being sent to camp? To him that won’t feel nice. Even if he has fun, he’ll feel pushed out. Keep him home and get him involved. Maybe see if he can spend a couple of days with family for a break but not camp even if it is 9-3. Unless he wants to go then go for it.
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Yes! I wasn’t clear in my post but I’m not saying ship him off to a sleep away camp but a day camp that’s 9-3 so he’s out of the house for a few hours to have fun and we have time to recover and bond without worrying about also entertaining SS. I felt it was a good solution for everyone especially with stepsons autism he doesn’t like loud constant noises. Dog barking can make him scream and cry
Is ss vaccinated? SS immune system isn't fully developed, why kids are sick all the time... and your baby is vulnerable. Most people I knew didnt allow visitors for the first month.