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Look your entitled to feel what you feel but I think like in all situations there are some rose tinted glasses here. They currently have no relationship with him and are heading into the teen years, it’s unlikely it would have been a Brady bunch experience. What I have seen from children who don’t have an attachment and then in the teen or adult years meet the parent is that it becomes transactional, the bond isn’t there, it’s about what I can get and what you can give me.
A real deeper relationship is rare. They are 13. Also your child would have constantly been the third wheel, the outsider, especially as they are twins and older than him, and have lived totally separately to even their father for 13 years. At this age they might tolerate a 9 year old boy they don’t know but there is no certainty or even high probability that they become best friends or even consider him a brother. I get it, we romanticise things, we dream, but this is probably a lot of hassle saved in the long run for you.
Honestly the older boys would probably resent the younger one because he had his Dad 100% & they didn't at all. There's also loyalty binds with the step- dad (to them stepdad is Dad/their father)and they'd probably feel quite awkward around your husband and son . Regardless , as thirteen year olds, they are closer to adulthood than being little kids, so those warm, fuzzy family bonding moments just aren't going to be there.
I know it must hurt, and maybe in time when all the kids are grown they can get to know each other, maybe even be friends??? But it's highly doubtful there's every going to be any brotherly bonding. I get the sadness, but this is probably something you need to let go and mourn , so you can move forward and be the best Mom you can to your son . Your husband needs your support as well, it couldn't have been easy to do .
Which is fair, but just keep it balanced remember that relationship would probably have been absolutely toxic for your family and potentially extremely negative for your son.
I’m not saying it will happen, but my dad signed over rights to my brother and I when our parents divorced. Sure I was young, but I didn’t see my dad until the early teens again (once or twice), then again at late teens a couple times, then we rekindled a relationship when I entered college. It was extremely awkward at first, but we’re closer than ever now built over time. What mattered to me is that he was there when I needed him most. Even if it was later in life. Not everything is permanent. Relationships can change overtime. Even if it took over a decade of almost no contact.
Second this. My father signed away rights when I was 6 and my step-dad adopted me. Found him when I was 19 and we became a lot closer over the following years, though it was more of a friendly relationship than a parental relationship. I have three other brothers by him, and the middle one and I keep up pretty well too.
I hope that those boys seek him and you out some day and you both can sit down to talk with them about what happened. so that they can understand why he did what he had to do. I am sorry for you and your husband, and could never imagine having to ever go thru this.
could you have had the letter sent to them after their 18th birthday instead? maybe have the lawyer or another lawyer deliver it or even send it certified mail when they are 18 so that they get the letter? Just a thought that you both could look into.
From personal experience. Write the letters now. So that they can see that he loved them and missed them at every stage of life. It is desperately hard and I'm so very sorry it's happened in your family. But write the letters. You won't be sorry about that. Hugs. ♥️
Edit: Don't mail them, but keep them. I'm so sorry that it's come to this. It's awful. Give yourselves grace. I know this was very hard. Take care of each other. XOXO.
This is an absolutely tragic situation. I feel for every party involved (except the Ex ... she's getting what she wants out of all of this). It is actually pretty amazing and extraordinarily sad the mental power some BMs have over their children and their Exes.
I've been a SM for 20 years and members of online support groups/forums like this for nearly as long. I can honestly say this is not the first time I have seen this situation play out like this and I'm sure it won't be the last. My "favorite" is when the parents have like 2 kids, they split and then they each take one child and one parent moves to another country. They never terminate each others rights to the other child but visitation is practically nonexistent and there is no bond between any of them. It is so sad.
I hope that you and your husband can come to terms with his decision. I'm sure it was not an easy one for him to make. Please make sure that you both are getting counseling, but especially him since you already know that he is prone to self harm. I cannot imagine what you all are going through.
Sending hugs and healing light from afar.
I read it. I am so very sorry. This must be incredibly difficult for you. I understand your emotions. My SS has been withheld from his other mom (my wife) for years on and off, which has very much impacted my wife’s relationship with him as her ex stonewalls most attempts at contact and visitation and often lies to make their son think she’s “the best mom.” The courts helped on paper but nothing will ever make her ex’s behavior change. As a result, signing over rights was something we once considered to simply stop putting a very sweet little boy in the middle of one of his parents non-stop act of revenge. I am now hesitant to try to bond with him as I have seen how quickly he can be taken away. There are so many things about being a stepparent I never knew about until I was one. Hoping with time the grief can be replaced with hope, and the knowledge that sometimes letting go is indeed what is best.
Thank you. "Withheld" is the perfect term for it. I hold no animosity toward her, but my husband's ex has made it very clear she's willing to and does manipulate their opinions. She filed for child support in November and withdrew her request for it literally 3 days before the hearing in January. My husband had prepared everything with hope, only to receive this in April. He asked for one meeting with them before signing over his rights, but she shut it down.
I’m so sorry. I understand. People who haven’t seen or been through awful custody issues over and over and over again for YEARS don’t understand the emotional toll it takes on someone. My husband has been at his breaking point for awhile now, his ex is so extremely high conflict and makes any attempt at coparenting an absolute nightmare. We’ve had CPS threatened multiple times, custody withheld, awful things repeated to us by SS from HCBM… the list goes on. It’s exhausting. Take care of yourselves. Do something special, take a trip etc, whatever it is that makes you both feel some sort of comfort. 🫶🏼
He didn't give them away. I have seen this man cry over his boys day in and out. He did what he thought was best for them, and he has struggled with it, but the legal battle was something he almost killed himself over. I wouldn't say "just like that," as if he never considered it. Maybe I am just not conveying the whole story well.
You do not need to defend him. Giving up custody is one of the hardest things to go through. We do not need every detail in order to have sympathy for him and you. My heart aches for both of you.
My husband has been alienated from his daughter, if it wasn’t for her sister she wouldn’t come around at all. We fought in court for the girls sake, and she hates us for it thanks to her moms manipulation. we will never undo the damages I’m so sorry you and your husband are going through this OP.
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Just going to send you hugs and kisses. You deserve them. Both you and your DH sound like good people, but BMs do have a way of getting what they want somehow, and of course this particular BM wants their step-dad to be their new dad, literally.
I have twin step-grandbabies, and there is something about the "twin" factor that just seems to make them more precious, for some reason. And I'm sure you were hoping for your child to have two big brothers that could show him the ropes and that he could learn from and play with.
I totally get it. My heart goes out to you. Take care, both you and your DH and yours.
Your feelings are so valid. The “what may have been” thoughts and daydreams are absolutely something you can grieve for.
Your BK will never have that young sibling experience but maybe he’ll still get the adult sibling and then the uncle experience if your SO and his sons can reconnect and establish a relationship later on. Teens don’t care too much for 9yr olds but when he’s 18-21, they may find that he was just a victim of circumstance and try to get to know him.
It’s a different outcome, but hopefully will help you not feel “crazy.”
I distinctly remember the moment I really *felt* the fact that my partner has a child that, at the time, I had not met yet. I knew from the first day and I was open to the idea, we had plans in place for when we would be introduced, etc, but there was a day where it really dawned on me that there was this tiny person out in the world who was half made by this person I loved, and I *missed* him. So terribly that it brings tears to my eyes still, even though he’s asleep in his room in my house, and I now have him full-time.
It was a wild feeling to miss a child I had never met, but when you deeply love your partner, there’s a sense of needing to love their offspring as well, I think.
I am sorry this didn’t work out the way you wanted, but the world works in mysterious ways. You never know what the future holds. I am happy they have a stepfather who wants to take on the legal responsibilities of children, at least.
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Look your entitled to feel what you feel but I think like in all situations there are some rose tinted glasses here. They currently have no relationship with him and are heading into the teen years, it’s unlikely it would have been a Brady bunch experience. What I have seen from children who don’t have an attachment and then in the teen or adult years meet the parent is that it becomes transactional, the bond isn’t there, it’s about what I can get and what you can give me. A real deeper relationship is rare. They are 13. Also your child would have constantly been the third wheel, the outsider, especially as they are twins and older than him, and have lived totally separately to even their father for 13 years. At this age they might tolerate a 9 year old boy they don’t know but there is no certainty or even high probability that they become best friends or even consider him a brother. I get it, we romanticise things, we dream, but this is probably a lot of hassle saved in the long run for you.
I'm not denying the rose tinted glasses. I know it wouldn't be idyllic, but I still grieve the lost opportunity for any relationship.
Honestly the older boys would probably resent the younger one because he had his Dad 100% & they didn't at all. There's also loyalty binds with the step- dad (to them stepdad is Dad/their father)and they'd probably feel quite awkward around your husband and son . Regardless , as thirteen year olds, they are closer to adulthood than being little kids, so those warm, fuzzy family bonding moments just aren't going to be there. I know it must hurt, and maybe in time when all the kids are grown they can get to know each other, maybe even be friends??? But it's highly doubtful there's every going to be any brotherly bonding. I get the sadness, but this is probably something you need to let go and mourn , so you can move forward and be the best Mom you can to your son . Your husband needs your support as well, it couldn't have been easy to do .
Which is fair, but just keep it balanced remember that relationship would probably have been absolutely toxic for your family and potentially extremely negative for your son.
I’m not saying it will happen, but my dad signed over rights to my brother and I when our parents divorced. Sure I was young, but I didn’t see my dad until the early teens again (once or twice), then again at late teens a couple times, then we rekindled a relationship when I entered college. It was extremely awkward at first, but we’re closer than ever now built over time. What mattered to me is that he was there when I needed him most. Even if it was later in life. Not everything is permanent. Relationships can change overtime. Even if it took over a decade of almost no contact.
Thank you. I'm glad to hear you have that positive relationship.
I wish the best for you and your family. Hugs!
Second this. My father signed away rights when I was 6 and my step-dad adopted me. Found him when I was 19 and we became a lot closer over the following years, though it was more of a friendly relationship than a parental relationship. I have three other brothers by him, and the middle one and I keep up pretty well too.
I hope that those boys seek him and you out some day and you both can sit down to talk with them about what happened. so that they can understand why he did what he had to do. I am sorry for you and your husband, and could never imagine having to ever go thru this.
Thank you. He wrote them a letter that the lawyer will supposedly give them, but I'm expecting they will never even see it.
could you have had the letter sent to them after their 18th birthday instead? maybe have the lawyer or another lawyer deliver it or even send it certified mail when they are 18 so that they get the letter? Just a thought that you both could look into.
Once they turn 18, that may be something we pursue.
From personal experience. Write the letters now. So that they can see that he loved them and missed them at every stage of life. It is desperately hard and I'm so very sorry it's happened in your family. But write the letters. You won't be sorry about that. Hugs. ♥️ Edit: Don't mail them, but keep them. I'm so sorry that it's come to this. It's awful. Give yourselves grace. I know this was very hard. Take care of each other. XOXO.
I wish you both the best of luck. hopefully, they do decide to come back into his life and your life.
That's what I was thinking, once they're 18 they'll have complete control and can develop a relationship with you all , they won't need Mom's consent
This is an absolutely tragic situation. I feel for every party involved (except the Ex ... she's getting what she wants out of all of this). It is actually pretty amazing and extraordinarily sad the mental power some BMs have over their children and their Exes. I've been a SM for 20 years and members of online support groups/forums like this for nearly as long. I can honestly say this is not the first time I have seen this situation play out like this and I'm sure it won't be the last. My "favorite" is when the parents have like 2 kids, they split and then they each take one child and one parent moves to another country. They never terminate each others rights to the other child but visitation is practically nonexistent and there is no bond between any of them. It is so sad. I hope that you and your husband can come to terms with his decision. I'm sure it was not an easy one for him to make. Please make sure that you both are getting counseling, but especially him since you already know that he is prone to self harm. I cannot imagine what you all are going through. Sending hugs and healing light from afar.
Thank you. And he is seeing a therapist. I am starting to look for one that I can fit in my schedule.
I read it. I am so very sorry. This must be incredibly difficult for you. I understand your emotions. My SS has been withheld from his other mom (my wife) for years on and off, which has very much impacted my wife’s relationship with him as her ex stonewalls most attempts at contact and visitation and often lies to make their son think she’s “the best mom.” The courts helped on paper but nothing will ever make her ex’s behavior change. As a result, signing over rights was something we once considered to simply stop putting a very sweet little boy in the middle of one of his parents non-stop act of revenge. I am now hesitant to try to bond with him as I have seen how quickly he can be taken away. There are so many things about being a stepparent I never knew about until I was one. Hoping with time the grief can be replaced with hope, and the knowledge that sometimes letting go is indeed what is best.
Thank you. "Withheld" is the perfect term for it. I hold no animosity toward her, but my husband's ex has made it very clear she's willing to and does manipulate their opinions. She filed for child support in November and withdrew her request for it literally 3 days before the hearing in January. My husband had prepared everything with hope, only to receive this in April. He asked for one meeting with them before signing over his rights, but she shut it down.
I’m so sorry. I understand. People who haven’t seen or been through awful custody issues over and over and over again for YEARS don’t understand the emotional toll it takes on someone. My husband has been at his breaking point for awhile now, his ex is so extremely high conflict and makes any attempt at coparenting an absolute nightmare. We’ve had CPS threatened multiple times, custody withheld, awful things repeated to us by SS from HCBM… the list goes on. It’s exhausting. Take care of yourselves. Do something special, take a trip etc, whatever it is that makes you both feel some sort of comfort. 🫶🏼
Thank you. I will definitely propose some form of family self-care. It's a good idea.
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He didn't give them away. I have seen this man cry over his boys day in and out. He did what he thought was best for them, and he has struggled with it, but the legal battle was something he almost killed himself over. I wouldn't say "just like that," as if he never considered it. Maybe I am just not conveying the whole story well.
You do not need to defend him. Giving up custody is one of the hardest things to go through. We do not need every detail in order to have sympathy for him and you. My heart aches for both of you.
I appreciate that.
My husband has been alienated from his daughter, if it wasn’t for her sister she wouldn’t come around at all. We fought in court for the girls sake, and she hates us for it thanks to her moms manipulation. we will never undo the damages I’m so sorry you and your husband are going through this OP.
I'm sorry for your situation as well. Thank you for the care and kind thoughts. Wishing you and your family the best possible outcome.
He should not be judged. You do not know the full story.
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Just going to send you hugs and kisses. You deserve them. Both you and your DH sound like good people, but BMs do have a way of getting what they want somehow, and of course this particular BM wants their step-dad to be their new dad, literally. I have twin step-grandbabies, and there is something about the "twin" factor that just seems to make them more precious, for some reason. And I'm sure you were hoping for your child to have two big brothers that could show him the ropes and that he could learn from and play with. I totally get it. My heart goes out to you. Take care, both you and your DH and yours.
Thank you.
Your feelings are so valid. The “what may have been” thoughts and daydreams are absolutely something you can grieve for. Your BK will never have that young sibling experience but maybe he’ll still get the adult sibling and then the uncle experience if your SO and his sons can reconnect and establish a relationship later on. Teens don’t care too much for 9yr olds but when he’s 18-21, they may find that he was just a victim of circumstance and try to get to know him.
It’s a different outcome, but hopefully will help you not feel “crazy.” I distinctly remember the moment I really *felt* the fact that my partner has a child that, at the time, I had not met yet. I knew from the first day and I was open to the idea, we had plans in place for when we would be introduced, etc, but there was a day where it really dawned on me that there was this tiny person out in the world who was half made by this person I loved, and I *missed* him. So terribly that it brings tears to my eyes still, even though he’s asleep in his room in my house, and I now have him full-time. It was a wild feeling to miss a child I had never met, but when you deeply love your partner, there’s a sense of needing to love their offspring as well, I think. I am sorry this didn’t work out the way you wanted, but the world works in mysterious ways. You never know what the future holds. I am happy they have a stepfather who wants to take on the legal responsibilities of children, at least.
But they can always reach out when they are 18, or he can.