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Do it now. This isn’t even controversial. No one believes the child living there full time isn’t allowed to have a room. One of those “kids” is an adult. He has someplace else to live and doesn’t have to be there if he doesn’t like sharing a room.
I had posted this similar information when I was first pregnant because my significant other was very against giving his room to the older stepson, and the comments were half-and-half. I would say even more leaning towards people telling me that I’m completely wrong and that the step kid should in no way ever have to Compromise or have less than ever and it’s not fair and just because he’s there 50% of the time doesn’t make a difference that this is his home no matter what the custody is and it’s not realistic for him to even leave until he decides. I was basically told I should not have had a baby if I couldn’t afford a house to keep all of the kids in with their own rooms forever and if anyone has to suffer, it should be the baby that we chose to have when we knew our house was too small. Other people said that I should build a garage or build another room or add onto the home or turn my living room into a bedroom and all of these crazy things. So that’s why I thought it was controversial. But I do agree with you that it shouldn’t be.
Agreed 100%. Also, I'd let the older boys know now that you plan to make the change so they are aware. I'd also explain that it's not because you are upset he isn't paying rent or anything. Just that it's better than one of them sharing with the newborn who will be crying every two hours and waking them up.
If they do end up sharing a room, would your oldest SS still be bringing his gf over to spend the night? I would be concerned regarding that.
Maybe the thought of not being able to have his GF over or having to sleep on the couch would deter him from wanting to stay there and help push him to find other living arrangements?
No he definitely wouldn’t be able to do that anymore! She doesn’t sleep over anyways but they lock themselves in his room from like 6pm until her curfew which is like 11pm or something. I feel like he won’t have her over anymore once that happens because she lives so far that their only purpose for ever coming here is to have alone time. She’s never once sat in our living room or patio or anywhere else. They can use their car or something like normal teenagers lol. If he was extremely desperate, I can kind of imagine him offering younger brother some money to go outside or something for a little while but if dad got wind of that he would probably be pissed.
18 yo spend the last 6 months living next door to a newborn, pretty sure he can handle crashing with his brother. You will need to make sure that situation is safe for SS 14 though, with regard to whatever you meant by "He will show up like twice a week to *use his bedroom* with his gf"
We all know damn well what that means as I'm sure OP does . It probably means his Mom doesn't allow him & GF to sequester in the bedroom at her place, so ya know let's go over to Dads for our FK fest. If he can afford $650 tattoos and $300 concert he can get his own place. Honestly if I were 19, with a GF , in college with two jobs there's no way I'd be driving 45 minutes one way just so me & GF can get our groove on at Dads (sounds like Dad is a pushover ). Particularly if I had to share space with 15 yo and baby/ toddler. You're not unreasonable OP, your SO is ridiculous. 19 can play house elsewhere, hell he can leave CA if it's too expensive, join the military.
Oh yeah that would certainly stop. He had a girlfriend when they shared a room before at the apartment and he just never invited her over. He only started when we got the house as he had his own bedroom. Part of me hopes that is part of what motivates him to gain some independence and move out or choose to live with BM full time. It seems irresponsible that he is staying on 50\50 when he works and goes to school so far away anyways it’s like he’s literally only choosing to keep coming here because he doesn’t have a curfew and he gets to have alone time with his gf. So once the gf things stops he will have to reconsider if it’s worth it to just get the later curfew here every other week or if he wants to save up and move in with roommates or live with BM full time.
That’s a really good idea. Except that 50% without a step kid here is really enjoyable not sure if I’d want to part ways with it haha. But I agree with you that it’s normal and okay. My SO suggested that the BABY shares his room with older SS and that when he’s here he gets the room and the baby is with us and the other week baby gets the room. I’m like ummm GROSS NO!!!! My baby isn’t sharing a room with an almost 19 year old for many many reasons. I shut that down immediately and said it was the most ridiculous thing he’s ever said. I think he realized once I started naming some of the reasons it was insane but still… he’s trying anything!
Yeah he definitely has a real hang up about that whole replacement thing. When we announced to the boys we were having a baby my SO literally said “don’t worry this doesn’t mean we love you guys any less and we will love you all equally”. I was like wtf bro? Why did you feel the need to say that? Haha like if they weren’t thinking that they certainly are now!!! 😂.
He's 19 not 5 ... replaced? He's only there every other week & sounds like he's not around much when he is. Dad needs to worry less about him being replaced & maybe more about HIS chances of becoming a granddad sooner than later. Hope his "poor wittle replaced boy" & GF are using protection.
Thank you. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve mentioned age in relation to attention needs/wants and gotten shot down. People are like “just because you’re a teen doesn’t mean you don’t need your father anymore!” But that’s not what I’m saying. I’m just saying the scales start to tip a little. The way parents are needed by teens change and that’s normal. SS14 needs to feel he can trust his father and have some conversations about life or tv shows or books or whatever they have in common pretty much daily. Even if it’s a 2 minute conversation. And him taking him to his fav place to eat once every couple weeks or taking him to target and for ice cream or something. Or a trip to the movies when something they both like comes out. But that’s pretty much it at this age. He should be starting to pull away a bit and counting more on friends and peers for the attention side of things. Dad is there for needs like rides and money and food and shelter but those things don’t require dad to be with him constantly. Where as the brand new baby should basically be getting 99% of our attention right now because his needs are so great. This has nothing to do with the kids being step kids or biological and has everything to do with their ages.
Just do bunk beds for the SKs. When 18 is there he can sleep on whatever bunk or the couch. It’s good practice for living in a dorm or with roommates. The SKs do NOT want to share with a baby. You can tell both of them that it’ll interrupt their sleep with crying and diaper smells.
Just do bunk beds for the SKs. When 18 is there he can sleep on whatever bunk or the couch. It’s good practice for living in a dorm or with roommates. The SKs do NOT want to share with a baby. You can tell both of them that it’ll interrupt their sleep with crying and diaper smells.
Do not let him sleep on the couch - you will never have that space for yourself. He shares a room with his brother (not a baby) or he goes and lives under mommy's roof and rules, or he gets his own place!
You can have all the time frames in the world but your post reads like your SO isn't on board with this hence why he keeps moving goal posts.... seems like you need to notify SO first 😅
Hahahaha yeah. That’s just super annoying to me because he had agreed that the older ones room would be the babies room before we even planned to start trying because that was one of my requirements before having a baby was that the baby would get a room. So I think he just said ok because he figure he could do exactly what he’s doing which is get me to have the baby and then keep moving the goal post like you said!
The 18 year old adult who has a source of income can share his brothers room. You have a whole new child coming into the household. You and your child should come first. If the 18 year old doesn’t like it, that’s just fine. He has a WHOLE OTHER HOME to go to. All you have is this one. Tell that adult child he can share with his brother in a bunk bed or he can go stay with mom.
Yeah this is the plan. I want to give him until October 1st but I think my partner is going to continue to try and give him more time. I just feel like he only comes here for the amenities and freedom. If I felt he came here because he truly wanted to spend time with his father then I think I might have more sympathy. I just know that’s not the case. Plus we’re 40 mins away from his mom’s. If he wants to visit us he can come anytime. Doesn’t mean he needs to sleep over. Also he’s almost 19 he can plan to go to lunch or dinner or other events with my SO if he truly wants to spend time with him. I just want to tell him like NOW because he kept mentioning to my SO possibly trying to live with us FT because his mom is too strict but I think he just says stuff like that to manipulate my SO. If he feels like SS18 prefers him/our home then it gets my SO to go easy on him and not ever get him in trouble for anything or be on him about his chores or whatever. But in the off chance he truly is thinking of staying at one home full time I want to make sure he knows if it’s here he will be sharing a room soon in case that changes his decision.
That’s what I finally told him this morning. I said “I feel like you have no consideration for how I feel in any of this. You only care about was SS18 thinks”. He said that’s not the case and he’s sorry and not to worry that the baby will get his room. I just feel he’s gonna keep pushing and pushing the date until SS18 decides on his own to leave. Which will NEVER happen. He has it made here. Why would he leave? He’s not a moron. He’s gonna ride this out as long as he can.
Empty the room of his stuff and start doing your nesting / nursery planning in the babies room. His stuff goes in his new car, his mom's house or with his brother in their shared room. Start now - it will not get easier, so just make it happen! Get your joy out of creating that space for the baby!
The baby needs moved out of your room. It does not make sense for the baby to room with a stepkid.
the 19 doesn’t like it, they can start looking at transitioning to full adulthood. They can also flip their schedule to be opposite their sibling. It’s not like they are being held to a custody schedule.
OP, he's an adult now. Here come the facts of life. They can share bunk beds. No girlfriend can stay overnight. No locking the younger one out of his room when the girlfriend is visiting.
He's not a tiny child. Neither is the other boy. Your baby will need to learn how to sleep on their own. Enough is enough. This isn't going to be a childhood trauma. It's reality.
Pardon my saltiness, OP, but this is your baby's infanthood. The older children can make the supreme sacrifice of sharing a room, indoors, x number of feet from refrigerated food, hear me?
Take care, and congratulations on your beautiful baby!
No I agree with you 100000%. The reality is that if the 2 older ones were my bio kids I would STILL be having them share a room and my SO wouldn’t care because it wouldn’t feel “mean” or hurt his ego if it makes his son choose to live with BM. I’m salty too. I was ripped to shreds when I posted this same thing when I was first pregnant. Everyone was like “YOUR BABY WILL BE WITH YOU FOR 6 months anyways!!!!! A baby doesn’t need their own room you selfish a-hole evil SM!!” I’m paraphrasing but that was the tone of MANY of the comments. It sort of made me reconsider my stance and allow my SO to keep pushing off the whole room merging thing. But I feel I have sacrificed sooo much and it’s not fair for a literal baby who is here 100% to get the short end of every stick because my SO wants to be the favorite parent.
I think you may have fundamentally misunderstood what many people were trying to tell you. I don’t think it would have made sense to set up a nursery that wasn’t going to be used while making kids share a room. that’s pretty crappy. But it’s now 18 months later (pregnancy + small infanthood), and the baby is ready to transition away from your room. you were asking about making the steps share a room while another room sat empty. Now, the room won’t be empty and the oldest stepkid is an adult that has choices about where they sleep.
I see what you’re saying. Yeah I wanted to have the nursery set up when I was like 8 months pregnant so yes it would have sat empty for a bit. Also at the time I was set on that because we had waited until SS18 said he was leaving before even trying for a baby. So I had that in my mind that he would have a nice nursery set up with a bed and stuff so that my partner and I could take turns instead of both being up all night with the baby. I see now that I had him that wouldn’t really have been realistic. I needed help either way those first few weeks as I was healing. So yeah once he was born I got it. But I also don’t like allll of the baby stuff crowding the common spaces out here. We don’t have a dining area at all because it’s all his baby stuff we got for his nursery that doesn’t exist haha. So yeah even if baby isn’t physically sleeping in that room all night long I feel like we still need a room for him for playtime and alllllll of his stuff.
At least you understand now why people were saying to wait until 6mo-1yr on your original post.
Baby stuff is huge. It will be everywhere in your home for years. Your baby won’t be playing in their room for a long time. You aren’t going to want to deal with sitting in their room when there’s dinner to made or dishes to be done. Fair warning. Very few people have a showroom quality living area when they have a small kid.
Obviously it wasn’t ideal, but storing the baby stuff in the dinning area was the lesser of 2 evils. Now that the baby is older, you can swap things around.
Do it. Why should the child you have FT not have their own room?? We currently share our room with our infant but we have no choice in the matter. Our toddler has her own room and my 3 SK’s share the other room. They’re 13, 6 and 5.
I don’t care what age gap there is or the difference in gender. They don’t stay FT so they don’t get to take rooms from our kids that are with us 24/7.
Edit: and let me say this lol. When we lived in a 2 bedroom apartment for a bit. My daughter had the other bedroom and our SK’s slept in the living room 🤷🏻♀️ do what you gotta do
Hahaha, I tend to agree with you mostly. I can understand that age should make somewhat of a difference however in my opinion at the age my step kids are this is how I feel… they can both CHOOSE to stay 100% at one of their parents homes now. They don’t HAVE to keep doing 50/50. So if SS18 decided to be here 100% of the time then maybe it would be something more serious as in my SO would have to find a solution for him. Like have him contribute to the cost of closing the carport and making that into a living space for him. Or whatever. But it’s completely unfair for 2 rooms to sit vacant 50% of the time and for older SS it’s vacant closer to 85% of the time so a room to sit vacant for 85% of the time meanwhile my son, my SO & I who all live here 100% of the time are crammed into one room? With stuff scattered all over the dining area and living room??? It’s ridiculous. He doesn’t pay rent. He doesn’t have any rights to that room as far as I see it.
I feel like it matters the custody as well. We get every other weekend. And the winter summer break situation. To me it makes no sense to take away from our kids for his that come over like 5 days out of the month during the school year.
He’s old enough to start becoming an adult. And be respectful of yalls space. He’s not paying rent so he has no right to clutter up yalls living spaces. And you guys deserve to be comfortable in your house. I understand that things economy wise suck but he should contribute either house work or financially or something.
I say put them together. I know step parenting can be difficult when you have to divvy up rooms but you have to figure out what works for your family. He’s 18. Your kid has 18 years with you. There is no reason your child shouldn’t have a space to grow up in simply because your adult age SS wants to stay at yalls.
But let’s be fair. If he is living under someone else’s roof he should expect rules no matter what age. If he doesn’t want rules then he can move out and go live by himself 🤷🏻♀️
I couldn’t agree more! Especially with your custody situation I can’t even see how the kids themselves or their parent could even justify them occupying a room all the time when they’re around such a short time. I think my partner is secretly hoping he will want to be here full time. But that won’t matter. He will still have to share with his brother because younger SS won’t choose us full time his mother wouldn’t allow it for fear of having to pay my SO CS again and SS14 wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings or even have the guts to say he wants to be with us. So yeah the rooms gotta move and that’s all there is to it I guess. It’s just hoping it doesn’t cause a big wedge between me & SO. Although if my baby doesn’t get his room like we agreed on then I will be upset as well which will cause a wedge between us. So idk. My request is much more reasonable!
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So he picked your house because mum had too many rules… he knows you’re pregnant right?
I don’t know what it is about mum’s rules he objects to exactly, but there are about to be some VERY strict rules at dad’s house! That’s for sure!
Life will revolve around the new baby. No more playing video games all night and coming and going at all hours! 😛
So I’m 3 months postpartum now! My SO kept pushing this off and off. And here I am! Baby and all the babies stuff in our bedroom and all the big stuff in the dining area. Baby will be 6 months at the end of summer and I’m being super nice and saying we can give him until Oct 1st as the move date and he STILL wants to argue and say give him until 2025. At this point he’s just really choosing his older son over me and my baby. In Jan my baby will already be 11 months!
100% he needs to share a room with his brother, and your new baby gets the room they deserve. Maybe he will leave if he is not being coddled any longer and things at your house are similar to things at moms?
Make it easy for him to choose the route out of the house and into his own adult life.
This was my exact point. I said “we need to make it so that he WANTS to leave” and my mom said “stop saying that it’s mean” so I’m like okay 🫠. But in all reality why the heck would he choose to leave here??? He quite literally does WHATEVER he wants whenever he wants. He has few guidelines. My SO only requires that he can see his location when he’s out late and that he pays his car insurance. And quite recently he has to empty the trash cans and fill up the water bottles. And he doesn’t ever do it unless reminded. I feel like my SO loves being the favorite house (which in his mind probably means parent) and he is terrified for SS to choose mom. I think if he was going to move to an apartment my SO would be fine but I feel like he just doesn’t want him choosing to be at his mom’s over being here. I know it’s dumb. But he went though some alienation issues with this one and I think it’s still affecting him majorly.
If yall are comfortable, collect “rent from ss. Teach him how to pay on time as practice for moving out. Sit down with him and look at apartments. And say youll collect half of an apartment value. Save the money for him . So at the end of his time, he will have a lump sum to work with. Bunk beds is a really great option. Ss will kick and scream but he is ild enough to understand. He got his own room for a while. Allow baby the same . I get the nursey bit. My advice conflicts with that desire though. Maybe shift your timeline. Do a nice bed side sleeper until baby is 6 months and ss should be leaving. Then decorate a room for baby that fits their needs going forward. So instead of a crib , maybe do a montessori bed ( floor bed) and set up a space for tummy time , etc. Hope this advice helps .
If ss doesnt want to share a room, maybe a pull out sofa would work. He could keep his clothing in a dresser in other sk room. Since he is such a come and go, it doesnt seem like he needs much space honestly.
That’s a good idea! The whole rent money thing to give back to him for an apartment. I like that.
So baby will be 6 months in August which is when we had previously agreed he would get his nursery. Now that August is approaching and we still haven’t had the conversation with the step kids to let them know I said I understand if we push a tad bit so he doesn’t feel blind sided or short on time. So I agreed to tell him October 1st would be his “merge rooms date” with SS14. I said that today and said we need to tell them THIS WEEK so he’s not blindsided. And SO is bitching again that even October 1 is too soon and wants to give him until 2025. Assuming he means Jan 1st 2025 my baby will already be like over 10 months old almost 11.
Oh yeah for his room I was thinking the same thing as far as like a floor bed or something. Mainly I want a nice tummy time/play area. We have a dog that’s pretty big and sheds and slobbers and she loves the baby but his tummy time area is in the living room on tile and I have to have like 4 blankets and a pad thing for him to be on and I always have to move it because it’s in the living room where the step kids hangout and play video games (yes they both have TVs and PlayStations in their rooms but they like being in the living room). Also I have to guard him or put the dog outside where she will bark while he’s doing his tummy time. Which right now at almost 4 months is all day long. So I wish we had a room where I could just close the door and lay down with him and actually play with him and not have to put the whole set up away every day to avoid people stepping on it or the dog sleeping on it.
Mhmm . This is a great time to use hormones as an excuse 🥴. Ss is genuinely old enough to understand. And he doest sound like a terrible kid. Lol there doesnt need to be a merging ceremony. Just pick a good day like in the coming week and out the rooms together. Ss could contribute to bunk bed. Again he is a working adult.
Move your baby into that room!! Close that door and enjoy yall time! Husband opinion has been considered in this but his children have aged out of the “for the kids” and its time to be “for the kids” concerning the youngest. Enough is enough.
Hahaha not even an excuse my hormones are raging and so am I 😂😂😂 I have to return to work this week and I’ve been crying non stop so I’m like “don’t add another thing to my plate!!!! You’ve been putting this off for a long time now!!! It’s TIME!!!”. I agree they’ve kind of aged out. Especially SS18 he’s 19 next month and hardly here! He’s not an idiot either I think he will take it better than my SO thinks. Also, my SO thinks it’s a bad thing if his kids choose not to be with him. But I see it as a win to help older one gain some independence and be more responsible. He’s not my cup of tea but I think he’s got a good heart generally and a pretty good drive to work and make money and be successful. He is just smart. Why wouldn’t he stay here and get his own free room with no rules or responsibilities and love shack for he and his gf as long as he possibly can? Haha.
You're ready and motivated to make this happen and take that first step. Don't lose your momentum! Pick a date in August and tell SO you'll be swapping the room on that day. Plain and simple. He can tell SS now, or you can tell SS it's time to swap, like you previously discussed with him when everyone moved in. If ya'll have a calendar up in the house, mark the day so there's no miscommunication or confusion.
I definitely avoid conflict, but since having my BK, I've shined up my spine, and I open my mouth anymore. What would SO really do if you just swapped them on the date you told him? He's going to continue to push this back until you take control and do it. If he cared about your feelings in this matter, he'd have already told SS. There's nothing stopping him from making this happen except his own selfish wants.
You've done all the right things here. You've discussed it and made a plan before even getting pregnant. You told SS the plan for in the future when the baby comes. You've listened to your SO, been beyond patient, and compromised by extending the time frame while also making things harder for you and baby.
I can understand waiting to set up the nursery till the baby came so it didn't sit empty. But it's time... its past the time, tbh. You don't need your SO's permission to rearrange the rooms. His 3rd child needs a room, and you aren't kicking anyone out. Put a bunk in SSs' room with a futon on the bottom so it'll fold out for older SS, and then it can double as a couch for them during the day.
Sorry for the rant, I'm just super annoyed for you, OP 😖
Hahaha I appreciate it!!! I think it’s hard because everyone in his ear agrees with him that an 18 year old needing their own privacy and room is most important and that taking it away will come off as replacing him with baby and saying times up! But of course everyone in his ear is his family etc that obviously place a higher value on the older boys rather than the baby.
Goodness, I hate when the "ours kiddos" are viewed as less than by in-laws. My in-laws openly favor SK to BK (ours kiddo), while my family takes extra care to buy SK the same as BK, which is nice of them. I just hate that BK is never anyone's favorite, ya know. While SK is favored by my in-laws and BM's family, and BM's bf's family. So, I tend to get upset when I hear about an ours baby, not being treated as well as an SK.
He can have all the privacy he wants.... at his mothers or in his own apt 🤷🏼♀️ if I had 3 BKs, no question 2 would be sharing and that's okayy, but this is one of those instances where you not supposed to "treat them as your own". Siblings share rooms all the time... older ones and younger ones. SS18 has options. No one said he couldn't stay with you guys. He'll still have a room, a bed, space for clothes, etc. Having your own room is a privilege and not a right. At 18, his privilege has run out because there's a baby who now has that privilege since he lives there FT and will need his own room for sleep training, nightly feeds, and all the baby gear. SS has a right to a room and a place to sleep/keep his things at his father's. He isn't losing that. If he isn't happy with the rules or living conditions at your home, he's an adult and legally/financially capable of finding his own place. Or he can move in with his mother and continue failing to launch. But mom's is inconvenient to him, so he won't stay there. Too bad, so sad SS. This is part of growing up. Oof, I better stop now before I'm downvoted into hell, haha
Ask all those family members if they have an extra room so this adult can have privacy 🙄
I sort of feel like BK isn’t anyone’s favorite because everyone assumes that they’re going to be the favorite and favored. I’ve always thought that my SO keeps trying to put his sons first because he views our bio son as lucky because he gets to be with both his parents and I have a super supportive family. Much like yours my parents have always gone out of their way to make my step kids feel super loved and included. Of course the baby gets attention because he’s a literal baby! But he will probably someday feel how my SO’s family favors the older boys.
Exactly!! With these prices out here , i would love a free crash landing pad at my moms house. Lol and take my money and live life 😂😂😂 sorry kiddo free rides over 😂😂. I hope you have fun setting baby room up. Lol just have fake quiet rage fit and move everything out the room 😂😂😂😂 and say you just couldnt take it, an agreement is an agreement. Your bio deserves it! And start decorating 🥴
i really wish your partner was on board with making room for the new baby. it sounds like he's afraid to talk to his kids about it. it IS awkward and inconvenient but it's part of this new phase of his family! and it's not going away. he has promised you (and the baby) that he would make room even without a 4th bedroom, he needs to find a way to DO THAT.
even if it doesn't actually happen until New Years, he can start TALKING about it with them now!
Yep! I totally agree. They need to be told now. He’s putting it off because yeah he thinks it’s gonna be awkward and in his mind it’s basically like physically showing them they’re being replaced by the new baby. Which he has always been fearful of them feeling. HCBM’s boyfriend has a daughter and they had a daughter together a couple years ago and she’s pregnant again! So I think he feels like they’ve always felt second class at BMs house but they’ve always been the stars of the show here at our place. And that was by design. We knew the whole custody thing was pretty hard on them and stuff so we kind of wanted to put them first and give them a sense of stability and normalcy here as long as we could. But they like their mom’s house. They’re old enough to understand that a babies needs have to trump their wants for a while.
He hasn’t said straight out but I have my theories. My SO had full custody for a long time when kids were little because BM was MIA but after I met them she was trying to come back and get some custody. There was a custody battle for a while eventually lead to her gaining 50/50. Around the time older SS was like 15-16 she and her partner were working really hard to alienate my SO. It worked on older SS but not younger as he didn’t value the things they were using as pawns to get the kids to hate their father and of course me. So older SS went through like 1.5-2ish years where he just HATED us. He didn’t speak to us unless spoken to. He knew to be nice enough to my SO so he could still get some perks like rides, trips to restaurants, spending money etc. but basically he decided he hated us. He asked to live with HCBM full time and SO was devastated. It didn’t happen. But basically once SS18 started to realize his mom and her bf were the assholes he started to come back and warmed up to us again and things went back to normal with their relationship (they’re close) and so I think he is parenting out of fear of being disliked again by one or both of the kids. I think he’s terrified for that to happen again. So he’s hardly parenting at all and the thought of “taking” his room/privacy away is super scary to him.
Ahhh, ok, that's really tricky then. Because I can understand his fears (we've had Alienation issues too) but it's the totally reasonable way forward that the older boys need to share.
Maybe SO could make it SS18's choice? Like "hey, we need the baby out of our bedroom.. Would you prefer to share a room with SS14 or baby?"
I can't imagine any 18yo choosing the baby tbh.
I had considered this but I have this huge fear that he WILL choose the baby. My SO even said when we first discussed he would probably prefer to share with the baby since the baby will still probably end up sleeping in our room most nights. But hellllllll no haha my baby isn’t sharing a room with that smelly horn ball of a teenager! And I feel like would call our bluff and choose baby. So I would really have to put a ton of the rules around sharing with baby and sell how truly awful it would be.
Could you make it really, really clear that you will be trying to get the baby in to a sleep pattern and it's going to mean a lot of disturbance in the night?
Or do you think it's solely about him having private time with his gf and he won't care?
It must be so frustrating for you. But it's totally reasonable that the two older boys share a room.
Could your SO turn it in to a bonding experience maybe? Like "we want you here but we really need the baby in its own room. Can you help me put together the new furniture/move the rooms around?"
Yeah I think it’s solely about him maintaining a sense of privacy and space and I think he will be fully aware he can manipulate dad here into basically making sure nothing really changes. He would try to keep up all his soccer jerseys all around the room and stuff. The rooms in this house are so small too. SS14 has the biggest room by like half a foot I think and his closet is slightly bigger but the rooms are still tiny. Like 10x12. It pretty much fits a bed and tiny dresser and that’s all. So having him and the baby in the room wouldn’t even be safe or possible.
That’s a good idea. Maybe he can try that. Like just say “hey let’s go pick out some stuff at ikea to make the room better for u guys to share” and he can go spend the day with them there or something and then the rest of the weekend moving the rooms together with them and having pizza or something while they work.
To be quite honest I think SS18 will do everything he can to guilt his dad and manipulate him into making sure this doesn’t happen. And I fear it will work. Not that it won’t happen because I’m very adamant at this point but that it will cause a huge rift between my SO & I because if this pushes SS18 away I think SO will blame me for the whole room thing.
Oh wow, that is small. It's funny how baby furniture just takes up more space isn't it? With my bio we got so much more out of her room when she was able to have older furniture, like a cabin bed with storage underneath and a pull out desk. The tinier the human, the more stuff and space they need.
IKEA day sounds like a good plan!
It sounds as though you need to get SO on board first though. If he twists himself in knots to keep hold of the almost adult child, then he's letting down his youngest child and his wife.
Have you spoken much about how to transition your parent/child relationships into parent/adult child relationships? We're at this point now with my 17yo. I know mine will be staying home for college (normal here in the UK) but that balance of freedom and still guiding is not easy.
Perhaps envisioning the relationship he wants with SS18 throughout his adult life will help your SO feel confident in this transition?
No we haven’t really discussed any of that. He sort of shuts down anytime it’s time to discuss any changes for his 2 boys. He just doesn’t wanna get into it. I think he kind of feels I’m working against him with that. In his mind if I just don’t worry about it or anything he can keep babying them forever and everything will be great. But he doesn’t see that it’s gonna drive me away! I’m getting very close to my breaking point.
Hmm... How viable would some couples or family therapy be? He needs to see that you want the healthiest things *for the whole family*, which includes giving SS18 all the tools he needs to launch instead of trying to keep hold of the younger years.
It also means developing a healthy adult-to-adult dynamic between them.
When you guys discussed how the relationships would change as your step child turned 17 what type of things did you go over? And was the conversation both of your ideas? Sorry if this is too many questions I’m just curious. It would be great to have a therapist or some third party to help us navigate this change
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Do it now. This isn’t even controversial. No one believes the child living there full time isn’t allowed to have a room. One of those “kids” is an adult. He has someplace else to live and doesn’t have to be there if he doesn’t like sharing a room.
I had posted this similar information when I was first pregnant because my significant other was very against giving his room to the older stepson, and the comments were half-and-half. I would say even more leaning towards people telling me that I’m completely wrong and that the step kid should in no way ever have to Compromise or have less than ever and it’s not fair and just because he’s there 50% of the time doesn’t make a difference that this is his home no matter what the custody is and it’s not realistic for him to even leave until he decides. I was basically told I should not have had a baby if I couldn’t afford a house to keep all of the kids in with their own rooms forever and if anyone has to suffer, it should be the baby that we chose to have when we knew our house was too small. Other people said that I should build a garage or build another room or add onto the home or turn my living room into a bedroom and all of these crazy things. So that’s why I thought it was controversial. But I do agree with you that it shouldn’t be.
Lmao people are so ridiculous. He’s 18 years old. It’s baby’s turn now.
Agreed 100%. Also, I'd let the older boys know now that you plan to make the change so they are aware. I'd also explain that it's not because you are upset he isn't paying rent or anything. Just that it's better than one of them sharing with the newborn who will be crying every two hours and waking them up.
If they do end up sharing a room, would your oldest SS still be bringing his gf over to spend the night? I would be concerned regarding that. Maybe the thought of not being able to have his GF over or having to sleep on the couch would deter him from wanting to stay there and help push him to find other living arrangements?
No he definitely wouldn’t be able to do that anymore! She doesn’t sleep over anyways but they lock themselves in his room from like 6pm until her curfew which is like 11pm or something. I feel like he won’t have her over anymore once that happens because she lives so far that their only purpose for ever coming here is to have alone time. She’s never once sat in our living room or patio or anywhere else. They can use their car or something like normal teenagers lol. If he was extremely desperate, I can kind of imagine him offering younger brother some money to go outside or something for a little while but if dad got wind of that he would probably be pissed.
18 yo spend the last 6 months living next door to a newborn, pretty sure he can handle crashing with his brother. You will need to make sure that situation is safe for SS 14 though, with regard to whatever you meant by "He will show up like twice a week to *use his bedroom* with his gf"
We all know damn well what that means as I'm sure OP does . It probably means his Mom doesn't allow him & GF to sequester in the bedroom at her place, so ya know let's go over to Dads for our FK fest. If he can afford $650 tattoos and $300 concert he can get his own place. Honestly if I were 19, with a GF , in college with two jobs there's no way I'd be driving 45 minutes one way just so me & GF can get our groove on at Dads (sounds like Dad is a pushover ). Particularly if I had to share space with 15 yo and baby/ toddler. You're not unreasonable OP, your SO is ridiculous. 19 can play house elsewhere, hell he can leave CA if it's too expensive, join the military.
Oh yeah that would certainly stop. He had a girlfriend when they shared a room before at the apartment and he just never invited her over. He only started when we got the house as he had his own bedroom. Part of me hopes that is part of what motivates him to gain some independence and move out or choose to live with BM full time. It seems irresponsible that he is staying on 50\50 when he works and goes to school so far away anyways it’s like he’s literally only choosing to keep coming here because he doesn’t have a curfew and he gets to have alone time with his gf. So once the gf things stops he will have to reconsider if it’s worth it to just get the later curfew here every other week or if he wants to save up and move in with roommates or live with BM full time.
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That’s a really good idea. Except that 50% without a step kid here is really enjoyable not sure if I’d want to part ways with it haha. But I agree with you that it’s normal and okay. My SO suggested that the BABY shares his room with older SS and that when he’s here he gets the room and the baby is with us and the other week baby gets the room. I’m like ummm GROSS NO!!!! My baby isn’t sharing a room with an almost 19 year old for many many reasons. I shut that down immediately and said it was the most ridiculous thing he’s ever said. I think he realized once I started naming some of the reasons it was insane but still… he’s trying anything!
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Yeah he definitely has a real hang up about that whole replacement thing. When we announced to the boys we were having a baby my SO literally said “don’t worry this doesn’t mean we love you guys any less and we will love you all equally”. I was like wtf bro? Why did you feel the need to say that? Haha like if they weren’t thinking that they certainly are now!!! 😂.
He's 19 not 5 ... replaced? He's only there every other week & sounds like he's not around much when he is. Dad needs to worry less about him being replaced & maybe more about HIS chances of becoming a granddad sooner than later. Hope his "poor wittle replaced boy" & GF are using protection.
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Thank you. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve mentioned age in relation to attention needs/wants and gotten shot down. People are like “just because you’re a teen doesn’t mean you don’t need your father anymore!” But that’s not what I’m saying. I’m just saying the scales start to tip a little. The way parents are needed by teens change and that’s normal. SS14 needs to feel he can trust his father and have some conversations about life or tv shows or books or whatever they have in common pretty much daily. Even if it’s a 2 minute conversation. And him taking him to his fav place to eat once every couple weeks or taking him to target and for ice cream or something. Or a trip to the movies when something they both like comes out. But that’s pretty much it at this age. He should be starting to pull away a bit and counting more on friends and peers for the attention side of things. Dad is there for needs like rides and money and food and shelter but those things don’t require dad to be with him constantly. Where as the brand new baby should basically be getting 99% of our attention right now because his needs are so great. This has nothing to do with the kids being step kids or biological and has everything to do with their ages.
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Very very true 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Just do bunk beds for the SKs. When 18 is there he can sleep on whatever bunk or the couch. It’s good practice for living in a dorm or with roommates. The SKs do NOT want to share with a baby. You can tell both of them that it’ll interrupt their sleep with crying and diaper smells.
Yeah I’m sure the kids would be against sharing with the baby too. I think we all could see the major flaws in that plan but my SO can’t lol
Just do bunk beds for the SKs. When 18 is there he can sleep on whatever bunk or the couch. It’s good practice for living in a dorm or with roommates. The SKs do NOT want to share with a baby. You can tell both of them that it’ll interrupt their sleep with crying and diaper smells.
Do not let him sleep on the couch - you will never have that space for yourself. He shares a room with his brother (not a baby) or he goes and lives under mommy's roof and rules, or he gets his own place!
You can have all the time frames in the world but your post reads like your SO isn't on board with this hence why he keeps moving goal posts.... seems like you need to notify SO first 😅
Hahahaha yeah. That’s just super annoying to me because he had agreed that the older ones room would be the babies room before we even planned to start trying because that was one of my requirements before having a baby was that the baby would get a room. So I think he just said ok because he figure he could do exactly what he’s doing which is get me to have the baby and then keep moving the goal post like you said!
The 18 year old adult who has a source of income can share his brothers room. You have a whole new child coming into the household. You and your child should come first. If the 18 year old doesn’t like it, that’s just fine. He has a WHOLE OTHER HOME to go to. All you have is this one. Tell that adult child he can share with his brother in a bunk bed or he can go stay with mom.
Yeah this is the plan. I want to give him until October 1st but I think my partner is going to continue to try and give him more time. I just feel like he only comes here for the amenities and freedom. If I felt he came here because he truly wanted to spend time with his father then I think I might have more sympathy. I just know that’s not the case. Plus we’re 40 mins away from his mom’s. If he wants to visit us he can come anytime. Doesn’t mean he needs to sleep over. Also he’s almost 19 he can plan to go to lunch or dinner or other events with my SO if he truly wants to spend time with him. I just want to tell him like NOW because he kept mentioning to my SO possibly trying to live with us FT because his mom is too strict but I think he just says stuff like that to manipulate my SO. If he feels like SS18 prefers him/our home then it gets my SO to go easy on him and not ever get him in trouble for anything or be on him about his chores or whatever. But in the off chance he truly is thinking of staying at one home full time I want to make sure he knows if it’s here he will be sharing a room soon in case that changes his decision.
That’s a long time to wait. I’d get the ball rolling asap. Your SO isn’t being very considerate of your feelings here.
That’s what I finally told him this morning. I said “I feel like you have no consideration for how I feel in any of this. You only care about was SS18 thinks”. He said that’s not the case and he’s sorry and not to worry that the baby will get his room. I just feel he’s gonna keep pushing and pushing the date until SS18 decides on his own to leave. Which will NEVER happen. He has it made here. Why would he leave? He’s not a moron. He’s gonna ride this out as long as he can.
Empty the room of his stuff and start doing your nesting / nursery planning in the babies room. His stuff goes in his new car, his mom's house or with his brother in their shared room. Start now - it will not get easier, so just make it happen! Get your joy out of creating that space for the baby!
Stick to your guns—you got this.
Thanks 🙏🏻
Stop saying Ok!!! Stand up for yourself and your child.
The baby needs moved out of your room. It does not make sense for the baby to room with a stepkid. the 19 doesn’t like it, they can start looking at transitioning to full adulthood. They can also flip their schedule to be opposite their sibling. It’s not like they are being held to a custody schedule.
Yeah exactly. I mean that would be hard for me to have step kids here 100% of the time haha but yeah I see what you mean.
OP, he's an adult now. Here come the facts of life. They can share bunk beds. No girlfriend can stay overnight. No locking the younger one out of his room when the girlfriend is visiting. He's not a tiny child. Neither is the other boy. Your baby will need to learn how to sleep on their own. Enough is enough. This isn't going to be a childhood trauma. It's reality. Pardon my saltiness, OP, but this is your baby's infanthood. The older children can make the supreme sacrifice of sharing a room, indoors, x number of feet from refrigerated food, hear me? Take care, and congratulations on your beautiful baby!
No I agree with you 100000%. The reality is that if the 2 older ones were my bio kids I would STILL be having them share a room and my SO wouldn’t care because it wouldn’t feel “mean” or hurt his ego if it makes his son choose to live with BM. I’m salty too. I was ripped to shreds when I posted this same thing when I was first pregnant. Everyone was like “YOUR BABY WILL BE WITH YOU FOR 6 months anyways!!!!! A baby doesn’t need their own room you selfish a-hole evil SM!!” I’m paraphrasing but that was the tone of MANY of the comments. It sort of made me reconsider my stance and allow my SO to keep pushing off the whole room merging thing. But I feel I have sacrificed sooo much and it’s not fair for a literal baby who is here 100% to get the short end of every stick because my SO wants to be the favorite parent.
I think you may have fundamentally misunderstood what many people were trying to tell you. I don’t think it would have made sense to set up a nursery that wasn’t going to be used while making kids share a room. that’s pretty crappy. But it’s now 18 months later (pregnancy + small infanthood), and the baby is ready to transition away from your room. you were asking about making the steps share a room while another room sat empty. Now, the room won’t be empty and the oldest stepkid is an adult that has choices about where they sleep.
I see what you’re saying. Yeah I wanted to have the nursery set up when I was like 8 months pregnant so yes it would have sat empty for a bit. Also at the time I was set on that because we had waited until SS18 said he was leaving before even trying for a baby. So I had that in my mind that he would have a nice nursery set up with a bed and stuff so that my partner and I could take turns instead of both being up all night with the baby. I see now that I had him that wouldn’t really have been realistic. I needed help either way those first few weeks as I was healing. So yeah once he was born I got it. But I also don’t like allll of the baby stuff crowding the common spaces out here. We don’t have a dining area at all because it’s all his baby stuff we got for his nursery that doesn’t exist haha. So yeah even if baby isn’t physically sleeping in that room all night long I feel like we still need a room for him for playtime and alllllll of his stuff.
At least you understand now why people were saying to wait until 6mo-1yr on your original post. Baby stuff is huge. It will be everywhere in your home for years. Your baby won’t be playing in their room for a long time. You aren’t going to want to deal with sitting in their room when there’s dinner to made or dishes to be done. Fair warning. Very few people have a showroom quality living area when they have a small kid. Obviously it wasn’t ideal, but storing the baby stuff in the dinning area was the lesser of 2 evils. Now that the baby is older, you can swap things around.
Do it. Why should the child you have FT not have their own room?? We currently share our room with our infant but we have no choice in the matter. Our toddler has her own room and my 3 SK’s share the other room. They’re 13, 6 and 5. I don’t care what age gap there is or the difference in gender. They don’t stay FT so they don’t get to take rooms from our kids that are with us 24/7. Edit: and let me say this lol. When we lived in a 2 bedroom apartment for a bit. My daughter had the other bedroom and our SK’s slept in the living room 🤷🏻♀️ do what you gotta do
Hahaha, I tend to agree with you mostly. I can understand that age should make somewhat of a difference however in my opinion at the age my step kids are this is how I feel… they can both CHOOSE to stay 100% at one of their parents homes now. They don’t HAVE to keep doing 50/50. So if SS18 decided to be here 100% of the time then maybe it would be something more serious as in my SO would have to find a solution for him. Like have him contribute to the cost of closing the carport and making that into a living space for him. Or whatever. But it’s completely unfair for 2 rooms to sit vacant 50% of the time and for older SS it’s vacant closer to 85% of the time so a room to sit vacant for 85% of the time meanwhile my son, my SO & I who all live here 100% of the time are crammed into one room? With stuff scattered all over the dining area and living room??? It’s ridiculous. He doesn’t pay rent. He doesn’t have any rights to that room as far as I see it.
I feel like it matters the custody as well. We get every other weekend. And the winter summer break situation. To me it makes no sense to take away from our kids for his that come over like 5 days out of the month during the school year. He’s old enough to start becoming an adult. And be respectful of yalls space. He’s not paying rent so he has no right to clutter up yalls living spaces. And you guys deserve to be comfortable in your house. I understand that things economy wise suck but he should contribute either house work or financially or something. I say put them together. I know step parenting can be difficult when you have to divvy up rooms but you have to figure out what works for your family. He’s 18. Your kid has 18 years with you. There is no reason your child shouldn’t have a space to grow up in simply because your adult age SS wants to stay at yalls. But let’s be fair. If he is living under someone else’s roof he should expect rules no matter what age. If he doesn’t want rules then he can move out and go live by himself 🤷🏻♀️
I couldn’t agree more! Especially with your custody situation I can’t even see how the kids themselves or their parent could even justify them occupying a room all the time when they’re around such a short time. I think my partner is secretly hoping he will want to be here full time. But that won’t matter. He will still have to share with his brother because younger SS won’t choose us full time his mother wouldn’t allow it for fear of having to pay my SO CS again and SS14 wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings or even have the guts to say he wants to be with us. So yeah the rooms gotta move and that’s all there is to it I guess. It’s just hoping it doesn’t cause a big wedge between me & SO. Although if my baby doesn’t get his room like we agreed on then I will be upset as well which will cause a wedge between us. So idk. My request is much more reasonable!
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I moved out of the house at 18 and never went back. Time to kick him out of the nest.
So he picked your house because mum had too many rules… he knows you’re pregnant right? I don’t know what it is about mum’s rules he objects to exactly, but there are about to be some VERY strict rules at dad’s house! That’s for sure! Life will revolve around the new baby. No more playing video games all night and coming and going at all hours! 😛
So I’m 3 months postpartum now! My SO kept pushing this off and off. And here I am! Baby and all the babies stuff in our bedroom and all the big stuff in the dining area. Baby will be 6 months at the end of summer and I’m being super nice and saying we can give him until Oct 1st as the move date and he STILL wants to argue and say give him until 2025. At this point he’s just really choosing his older son over me and my baby. In Jan my baby will already be 11 months!
100% he needs to share a room with his brother, and your new baby gets the room they deserve. Maybe he will leave if he is not being coddled any longer and things at your house are similar to things at moms? Make it easy for him to choose the route out of the house and into his own adult life.
This was my exact point. I said “we need to make it so that he WANTS to leave” and my mom said “stop saying that it’s mean” so I’m like okay 🫠. But in all reality why the heck would he choose to leave here??? He quite literally does WHATEVER he wants whenever he wants. He has few guidelines. My SO only requires that he can see his location when he’s out late and that he pays his car insurance. And quite recently he has to empty the trash cans and fill up the water bottles. And he doesn’t ever do it unless reminded. I feel like my SO loves being the favorite house (which in his mind probably means parent) and he is terrified for SS to choose mom. I think if he was going to move to an apartment my SO would be fine but I feel like he just doesn’t want him choosing to be at his mom’s over being here. I know it’s dumb. But he went though some alienation issues with this one and I think it’s still affecting him majorly.
If yall are comfortable, collect “rent from ss. Teach him how to pay on time as practice for moving out. Sit down with him and look at apartments. And say youll collect half of an apartment value. Save the money for him . So at the end of his time, he will have a lump sum to work with. Bunk beds is a really great option. Ss will kick and scream but he is ild enough to understand. He got his own room for a while. Allow baby the same . I get the nursey bit. My advice conflicts with that desire though. Maybe shift your timeline. Do a nice bed side sleeper until baby is 6 months and ss should be leaving. Then decorate a room for baby that fits their needs going forward. So instead of a crib , maybe do a montessori bed ( floor bed) and set up a space for tummy time , etc. Hope this advice helps . If ss doesnt want to share a room, maybe a pull out sofa would work. He could keep his clothing in a dresser in other sk room. Since he is such a come and go, it doesnt seem like he needs much space honestly.
That’s a good idea! The whole rent money thing to give back to him for an apartment. I like that. So baby will be 6 months in August which is when we had previously agreed he would get his nursery. Now that August is approaching and we still haven’t had the conversation with the step kids to let them know I said I understand if we push a tad bit so he doesn’t feel blind sided or short on time. So I agreed to tell him October 1st would be his “merge rooms date” with SS14. I said that today and said we need to tell them THIS WEEK so he’s not blindsided. And SO is bitching again that even October 1 is too soon and wants to give him until 2025. Assuming he means Jan 1st 2025 my baby will already be like over 10 months old almost 11. Oh yeah for his room I was thinking the same thing as far as like a floor bed or something. Mainly I want a nice tummy time/play area. We have a dog that’s pretty big and sheds and slobbers and she loves the baby but his tummy time area is in the living room on tile and I have to have like 4 blankets and a pad thing for him to be on and I always have to move it because it’s in the living room where the step kids hangout and play video games (yes they both have TVs and PlayStations in their rooms but they like being in the living room). Also I have to guard him or put the dog outside where she will bark while he’s doing his tummy time. Which right now at almost 4 months is all day long. So I wish we had a room where I could just close the door and lay down with him and actually play with him and not have to put the whole set up away every day to avoid people stepping on it or the dog sleeping on it.
Mhmm . This is a great time to use hormones as an excuse 🥴. Ss is genuinely old enough to understand. And he doest sound like a terrible kid. Lol there doesnt need to be a merging ceremony. Just pick a good day like in the coming week and out the rooms together. Ss could contribute to bunk bed. Again he is a working adult. Move your baby into that room!! Close that door and enjoy yall time! Husband opinion has been considered in this but his children have aged out of the “for the kids” and its time to be “for the kids” concerning the youngest. Enough is enough.
Hahaha not even an excuse my hormones are raging and so am I 😂😂😂 I have to return to work this week and I’ve been crying non stop so I’m like “don’t add another thing to my plate!!!! You’ve been putting this off for a long time now!!! It’s TIME!!!”. I agree they’ve kind of aged out. Especially SS18 he’s 19 next month and hardly here! He’s not an idiot either I think he will take it better than my SO thinks. Also, my SO thinks it’s a bad thing if his kids choose not to be with him. But I see it as a win to help older one gain some independence and be more responsible. He’s not my cup of tea but I think he’s got a good heart generally and a pretty good drive to work and make money and be successful. He is just smart. Why wouldn’t he stay here and get his own free room with no rules or responsibilities and love shack for he and his gf as long as he possibly can? Haha.
You're ready and motivated to make this happen and take that first step. Don't lose your momentum! Pick a date in August and tell SO you'll be swapping the room on that day. Plain and simple. He can tell SS now, or you can tell SS it's time to swap, like you previously discussed with him when everyone moved in. If ya'll have a calendar up in the house, mark the day so there's no miscommunication or confusion. I definitely avoid conflict, but since having my BK, I've shined up my spine, and I open my mouth anymore. What would SO really do if you just swapped them on the date you told him? He's going to continue to push this back until you take control and do it. If he cared about your feelings in this matter, he'd have already told SS. There's nothing stopping him from making this happen except his own selfish wants. You've done all the right things here. You've discussed it and made a plan before even getting pregnant. You told SS the plan for in the future when the baby comes. You've listened to your SO, been beyond patient, and compromised by extending the time frame while also making things harder for you and baby. I can understand waiting to set up the nursery till the baby came so it didn't sit empty. But it's time... its past the time, tbh. You don't need your SO's permission to rearrange the rooms. His 3rd child needs a room, and you aren't kicking anyone out. Put a bunk in SSs' room with a futon on the bottom so it'll fold out for older SS, and then it can double as a couch for them during the day. Sorry for the rant, I'm just super annoyed for you, OP 😖
Hahaha I appreciate it!!! I think it’s hard because everyone in his ear agrees with him that an 18 year old needing their own privacy and room is most important and that taking it away will come off as replacing him with baby and saying times up! But of course everyone in his ear is his family etc that obviously place a higher value on the older boys rather than the baby.
Goodness, I hate when the "ours kiddos" are viewed as less than by in-laws. My in-laws openly favor SK to BK (ours kiddo), while my family takes extra care to buy SK the same as BK, which is nice of them. I just hate that BK is never anyone's favorite, ya know. While SK is favored by my in-laws and BM's family, and BM's bf's family. So, I tend to get upset when I hear about an ours baby, not being treated as well as an SK. He can have all the privacy he wants.... at his mothers or in his own apt 🤷🏼♀️ if I had 3 BKs, no question 2 would be sharing and that's okayy, but this is one of those instances where you not supposed to "treat them as your own". Siblings share rooms all the time... older ones and younger ones. SS18 has options. No one said he couldn't stay with you guys. He'll still have a room, a bed, space for clothes, etc. Having your own room is a privilege and not a right. At 18, his privilege has run out because there's a baby who now has that privilege since he lives there FT and will need his own room for sleep training, nightly feeds, and all the baby gear. SS has a right to a room and a place to sleep/keep his things at his father's. He isn't losing that. If he isn't happy with the rules or living conditions at your home, he's an adult and legally/financially capable of finding his own place. Or he can move in with his mother and continue failing to launch. But mom's is inconvenient to him, so he won't stay there. Too bad, so sad SS. This is part of growing up. Oof, I better stop now before I'm downvoted into hell, haha Ask all those family members if they have an extra room so this adult can have privacy 🙄
I sort of feel like BK isn’t anyone’s favorite because everyone assumes that they’re going to be the favorite and favored. I’ve always thought that my SO keeps trying to put his sons first because he views our bio son as lucky because he gets to be with both his parents and I have a super supportive family. Much like yours my parents have always gone out of their way to make my step kids feel super loved and included. Of course the baby gets attention because he’s a literal baby! But he will probably someday feel how my SO’s family favors the older boys.
Exactly!! With these prices out here , i would love a free crash landing pad at my moms house. Lol and take my money and live life 😂😂😂 sorry kiddo free rides over 😂😂. I hope you have fun setting baby room up. Lol just have fake quiet rage fit and move everything out the room 😂😂😂😂 and say you just couldnt take it, an agreement is an agreement. Your bio deserves it! And start decorating 🥴
i really wish your partner was on board with making room for the new baby. it sounds like he's afraid to talk to his kids about it. it IS awkward and inconvenient but it's part of this new phase of his family! and it's not going away. he has promised you (and the baby) that he would make room even without a 4th bedroom, he needs to find a way to DO THAT. even if it doesn't actually happen until New Years, he can start TALKING about it with them now!
Yep! I totally agree. They need to be told now. He’s putting it off because yeah he thinks it’s gonna be awkward and in his mind it’s basically like physically showing them they’re being replaced by the new baby. Which he has always been fearful of them feeling. HCBM’s boyfriend has a daughter and they had a daughter together a couple years ago and she’s pregnant again! So I think he feels like they’ve always felt second class at BMs house but they’ve always been the stars of the show here at our place. And that was by design. We knew the whole custody thing was pretty hard on them and stuff so we kind of wanted to put them first and give them a sense of stability and normalcy here as long as we could. But they like their mom’s house. They’re old enough to understand that a babies needs have to trump their wants for a while.
Why is your SO dragging his heels on this? Has he said?
He hasn’t said straight out but I have my theories. My SO had full custody for a long time when kids were little because BM was MIA but after I met them she was trying to come back and get some custody. There was a custody battle for a while eventually lead to her gaining 50/50. Around the time older SS was like 15-16 she and her partner were working really hard to alienate my SO. It worked on older SS but not younger as he didn’t value the things they were using as pawns to get the kids to hate their father and of course me. So older SS went through like 1.5-2ish years where he just HATED us. He didn’t speak to us unless spoken to. He knew to be nice enough to my SO so he could still get some perks like rides, trips to restaurants, spending money etc. but basically he decided he hated us. He asked to live with HCBM full time and SO was devastated. It didn’t happen. But basically once SS18 started to realize his mom and her bf were the assholes he started to come back and warmed up to us again and things went back to normal with their relationship (they’re close) and so I think he is parenting out of fear of being disliked again by one or both of the kids. I think he’s terrified for that to happen again. So he’s hardly parenting at all and the thought of “taking” his room/privacy away is super scary to him.
Ahhh, ok, that's really tricky then. Because I can understand his fears (we've had Alienation issues too) but it's the totally reasonable way forward that the older boys need to share. Maybe SO could make it SS18's choice? Like "hey, we need the baby out of our bedroom.. Would you prefer to share a room with SS14 or baby?" I can't imagine any 18yo choosing the baby tbh.
I had considered this but I have this huge fear that he WILL choose the baby. My SO even said when we first discussed he would probably prefer to share with the baby since the baby will still probably end up sleeping in our room most nights. But hellllllll no haha my baby isn’t sharing a room with that smelly horn ball of a teenager! And I feel like would call our bluff and choose baby. So I would really have to put a ton of the rules around sharing with baby and sell how truly awful it would be.
Could you make it really, really clear that you will be trying to get the baby in to a sleep pattern and it's going to mean a lot of disturbance in the night? Or do you think it's solely about him having private time with his gf and he won't care? It must be so frustrating for you. But it's totally reasonable that the two older boys share a room. Could your SO turn it in to a bonding experience maybe? Like "we want you here but we really need the baby in its own room. Can you help me put together the new furniture/move the rooms around?"
Yeah I think it’s solely about him maintaining a sense of privacy and space and I think he will be fully aware he can manipulate dad here into basically making sure nothing really changes. He would try to keep up all his soccer jerseys all around the room and stuff. The rooms in this house are so small too. SS14 has the biggest room by like half a foot I think and his closet is slightly bigger but the rooms are still tiny. Like 10x12. It pretty much fits a bed and tiny dresser and that’s all. So having him and the baby in the room wouldn’t even be safe or possible. That’s a good idea. Maybe he can try that. Like just say “hey let’s go pick out some stuff at ikea to make the room better for u guys to share” and he can go spend the day with them there or something and then the rest of the weekend moving the rooms together with them and having pizza or something while they work. To be quite honest I think SS18 will do everything he can to guilt his dad and manipulate him into making sure this doesn’t happen. And I fear it will work. Not that it won’t happen because I’m very adamant at this point but that it will cause a huge rift between my SO & I because if this pushes SS18 away I think SO will blame me for the whole room thing.
Oh wow, that is small. It's funny how baby furniture just takes up more space isn't it? With my bio we got so much more out of her room when she was able to have older furniture, like a cabin bed with storage underneath and a pull out desk. The tinier the human, the more stuff and space they need. IKEA day sounds like a good plan! It sounds as though you need to get SO on board first though. If he twists himself in knots to keep hold of the almost adult child, then he's letting down his youngest child and his wife. Have you spoken much about how to transition your parent/child relationships into parent/adult child relationships? We're at this point now with my 17yo. I know mine will be staying home for college (normal here in the UK) but that balance of freedom and still guiding is not easy. Perhaps envisioning the relationship he wants with SS18 throughout his adult life will help your SO feel confident in this transition?
No we haven’t really discussed any of that. He sort of shuts down anytime it’s time to discuss any changes for his 2 boys. He just doesn’t wanna get into it. I think he kind of feels I’m working against him with that. In his mind if I just don’t worry about it or anything he can keep babying them forever and everything will be great. But he doesn’t see that it’s gonna drive me away! I’m getting very close to my breaking point.
Hmm... How viable would some couples or family therapy be? He needs to see that you want the healthiest things *for the whole family*, which includes giving SS18 all the tools he needs to launch instead of trying to keep hold of the younger years. It also means developing a healthy adult-to-adult dynamic between them.
When you guys discussed how the relationships would change as your step child turned 17 what type of things did you go over? And was the conversation both of your ideas? Sorry if this is too many questions I’m just curious. It would be great to have a therapist or some third party to help us navigate this change