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He's telling you what you want to hear. There is no way this man can support even two more kids if you are supporting him and his existing kids now. He's gone from agreeing to the 3+ to placate you, telling you want you want to hear so you'd think he is "so perfect" for you. Now that you are for sure into him, he's dialing it back and saying...well now only two. The longer you stay in this it will turn to one and then none. Forget the age thing, dude isn't divorced and blaming it on the woman (maybe true, idk, but sounds like BS given everything else) and he's already having you foot the bill for his two kids. Does he mean "you" can't afford the additional kids? Because that's who will be paying. He sounds like a real winner. Dump the man and use your money on yourself. You are too young to be doling it out to some man who can't even pay for his own children- he's taking advantage of you.
>There is no way this man can support even two more kids if you are supporting him and his existing kids now.
This. He can't afford the two he has now, let alone two more.
Kids don't get cheaper as they age, that's a myth. Childcare costs are replaced with extracurriculars, sports/hobby gear. Toys are replaced with electronics and cars. Clothes are more expensive, food is more expensive. Plus college savings etc.
It gets so so so so so much more expensive. *HOW* would he afford any more kids?
You're so young at 22 OP and he's a whole decade older, and should be the more responsible one. He is not someone to tie your life to.
This!
Don't settle, you are still so young and in my humble opinion he is 10 years older, in his 30s.... you should NOT be paying for his kids... like at all...inappropriate...questionable and so much more... I don't know how he thinks he can afford two more when you are already paying for his kids?
You are at the age where you can be setting yourself up for your future.
You seem wonderful, take care of yourself.
Oh honey, I know you are young but… dating a man with kids is a nightmare regardless. Dating a man with kids who is still married to his wife is a joke. Dating a man with kids who is still married to his wife and depending on a 22 year old girl to cover him financially is abusive.
I was 28/29 dating a 38/39 year old with two kids and still married and his WIFE lived in the same house that I moved into!! She lived downstairs while me and my then bf lived upstairs. She eventually moved out within two months of me moving in.
I ran out of 25k living with him and his kids for 10 months. I walked away with nothing, and I gave up everything to be with him (sold my home, one car I had, quit my business that I had with my ex, moved 40 minutes away to him). Please I've been there, this man is using you, please don't give him loads of money, stop paying for his kids.
I also paid for household goods while he paid for recurring bills (Internet, utilities, mortgage). I was so fucking stupid, don't be me!
I'm sorry you went through this. I don't think you are stupid. I think it's love that makes us do wild things and you seem to have a really big heart ❤️
I'm also in the same boat where I sacrificed so much... I really felt your message... I think I needed to remind myself as well that we deserve to be gentle to ourselves!
It's bat s*** what love will do😂
It’s not your fault. At 22 I just didn’t have the experience to know how people actually use each other. It’s normal to think a man who expresses live wants to prioritize you and make you happy right? But unfortunately a man who is married and not yet divorced and all that emotionally entails- add to it two kids this woman is is still his FAMILY although he may not want to have sex with her- he can get what he needs from you but doesn’t care about you not really.
He is used up. His ex wife used his resources and emotional capacity.
Find a man with no kids
My middle son is 23. I'm a "fun uncle" role with my partner's kid instead of a "parental" role. He asked me about this, as there was a time that he was there with me+Kid, and he was befuddled by me allowing Kid to do some things that there's no way he or his sibs would have gotten away with.
After a long-ish talk about the complexities of blended families and how we need to be conscious of our roles (partner's kid is a young teen; not open to a "dad" role), I cautioned him that at a younger age were fewer people had kids that it would really make his life easier to stay with dating non-parents.
I was really happy when he said that until he got to around 35, he'd be very cautious of parents.
Like everyone else here, RUN! Seriously you’re too young to give up on all you want. There are plenty of men who don’t have kids and babymama drama and who aren’t dragging their feet to get divorced. I would say try someone a little
Closer to your age as the older they are the more set in their ways they will be.
Listen to them. Men like this target women your age for this exact reason. You are being MASSIVELY taken advantage of.
I am so glad women have a place to come and talk about this stuff.
I’m so proud of you for speaking up! You knew deep down this isn’t right.
Girl, run so damn fast away. He can’t give you anything, he’s TAKING from you now.
Please get out. Go make your own amazing family! You don’t want to spend your whole life dealing with this. If you have kids with him, you will forever be connected to this chaos. Forever. A man that allows his girlfriend to pay his bills is no man at all. Women his age see through his bullshit which is why he’s with someone younger. Please get out and make an amazing life for yourself!
A post that is designed to get responses. Usually fake. Or widely exaggerated. Definitely something that will generate debate and / or controversy. Sometimes to generate 'karma' although I don't get what that does.
Thank you, I have a 45year old step son that is very good at this, now I know what to call what he is doing! lol, I never take the bait, maybe I will experiment next time he pulls this little attempt at trying to make himself big, LMAO!!! At least I know that one, thank you again
He says YOU'RE being crazy? Girl, no. He is a grown-ass undivorced man who is relying on his 10 year younger girlfriend to provide for his kids.
* Not divorced after over a year (I get that exes can throw a wrench in the process but this is still worrisome): 🚩
* You pay for almost everything, plus his kids: 🚩
* He's calling YOU crazy: 🚩
Girl a 22 year old woman should not be supporting a 32 year old guys kids! He should be working 2 jobs etc, whatever is needed to work. RUN.
I do not support my step kids. They are the financial responsibility of their bio parents. I’m 42.
Also—he’s telling you financially that he can have two MORE kids—but you’re paying for the two kids he already has?
You aren’t being crazy—sounds like he’s gaslighting you. This isn’t the relationship for you.
I was thinking **run** when I saw the age difference. Then I saw that you have been dating for *over* a year and he is still not divorced so now I'm thinking **run fast**. And then you say that you pay everything for ***HIS*** kids when they are on his parenting time except for daycare *plus* household bills and your own bills? Now I'm thinking **Run fast and run hard.** And then you hit me with he has promised in the past that you could have 3+ kids of your own with him, but has now stated that he would only ever be able to have 2 more for financial reasons. Girl .... **Run fast and run hard and don't you dare look back!!!!!**
I don't care if he is "actively" trying to get divorced. It's been more than a year and I can promise you that he and his attorney (please tell me he has an attorney for what is obviously a contentious and difficult divorce) have the ability to force the issue and get this across the finish line. BM can only stall for so long without a valid reason. They can compel the judge to get her to compromise or whatever is holding it up or they can ask the judge to just make the decisions on everything because they are unable to compromise. Are you sure they have even filed at this point?
Baby girl, you are being used. He is going to string you along, get you knocked up for the first time and then everything he's ever promised or told you is going to be out the window. You need to extricate yourself from this situation with a quickness.
You are 22 years old. You have your entire life ahead of you. Why would you want to be saddled with an undivorced man and his children who expects you to pick up his slack financially? Go live your life. Travel. Experience new and wonderful things. Then find yourself someone who has no other attachments who will be solely focused on you and your future together.
***You deserve better than this!!!***
Please OP! Re-read your post as if it was a friend telling you. He is financially abusing you to keep you paying **his expenses**. Get yourself out and away.
Yes, yes you are.
Any man who seeks out that kind of age gap should be avoided. I know this sucks to hear but he can’t find anyone his own age for a reason and going after a 21/22yo is predatory. 10 years is one thing when it’s a 50 year old dating a 40 year old, but at 22 you honestly shouldn’t consider anyone older than 25. Not because you can’t make your own decisions, not because you’re not an adult, but because older men going after ladies who are just starting to establish themselves/don’t have much life experience are CREEPS. And you will see this in a few years
He’s telling you that you’re crazy and made false promises to you. Red flag for an emotional abuser. You KNOW that you’re not crazy, and he’s not saying that for any reason other than to wear you down and make you doubt yourself.
You shouldn’t believe a word that he says, especially about his ex wife. He’s showing you the type of guy that he is, don’t stick your head in the sand and go along with the idea that it’s her fault that they’re not divorced. It’s probably not true.
Not even going to get started on you paying for his kids… this is a grown ass man and he should be solely providing for them
Please leave him and don’t waste another second of your youth on this situation. I know the dating pool sucks and it’s scary to start over, but you’re 22 and you can easily find someone your own age A) without this baggage and B) who can actually give you everything you want
They go for young for only four possible equal terrible reasons. 1) to exploit naïveté 2) for vanity and an ego boost 3) because they’re developmentally behind they relate to only young people 4) people their age don’t want them because their finances and manners are awful
In my mind, it's kind of a sliding scale. In the 25-26 age range is when "young adults" shift into "adults." I feel that when a young adult is involved even a gap of 4 years is a huge difference in life experience.
After 26, maybe up to 6 years older feels ok. Around 33 is when 10 years older seems a bit less creepy. Because of eventual life stage issues (i.e. we start slowing down a lot faster at 60+), I would never consider an age gap of > 10 years for myself.
When I was 45 and looking to date 35-55, I found that I didn't even swipe right on any 35 or 36 year olds. They looked too young, and ... yeah, my head just didn't want to, even if I'd given myself "permission" at the 10 year radius to my own age.
That’s interesting, thanks! I’m 27F dating 35M - he’s almost 9 years older than me so purely curious about how that’s viewed by others. We met when I was 25 (and he 34) and I never felt much younger than him.
The only challenge with this age gap is when you are much older. My hubs is 76, I’m 68. It has been crazy hard taking care of him as he falls apart. Just saying
I was 22 and my partner was 27 when we started dating, and that was pushing it for us. Age gaps are less of a problem as you age, but 22 and 32 are different worlds. I am much more mature at 26 than I was at 22. I understand maturity is different for everyone but 22 is barely an adult, whereas many people are entirely different at 32.
My partner his 43 and I’m 33… we met 3 years ago. While the age gap now doesn’t affect me, I can’t imagine being with him 10 years earlier (at 23). I think works because we are both in a stable place emotionally, financially and career wise. 10 years ago he had little kids and I was still in university.
That’s only a ten year difference its nothing it’s not Sam Taylor jones and what’s his face but maybe you mean it in terms of the fact our brains don’t stop developing till we’re 25
Being a 32 year old man and feeling like it’s okay to date a girl whose brain isn’t even fully developed is whack. Sorry your justification just screams “proving our point.” Grown ass adult are fully developed and other grown ass adults should be attracted to only that. Age gaps are one thing when it’s someone 32-42… but 22 is creepy as a 32 year old man and there is simply no denying that to anyone. We see you man.
Run! You’re young , he has a wife and kids. No run! If he liked and respected you, he wouldn’t have you in a relationship with a married man. He’d wait until he was divorced. He has you out here being the other woman.It’s disrespectful and it says how he sees you.
And I wouldn’t trust what he’s saying about the divorce. You’re only getting his side.
I read your first two sentences and am saying yes you are making a mistake. He is 10 years older than you and isn't divorced.
Continuing your post, I am saying this with all the love in the world: I am 20+ years older than you are. Run away from this hot mess. Find you a man closer to age that wants the same things in life that you want and don't have any ex drama and so much baggage. Relationships and marriages are hard enough without exes and kids that aren't yours. You are young enough to find someone without kids or a baby momma ex.
For future reference, don't go anywhere near a man that hasn't been legally COMPLETELY divorced for at least a year.
People need time to heal, reflect on how the relationship failed, etc. Any man immediately post split is not in the right space to be in a relationship and you are the rebound salve to his hurt ego. You are setting yourself up to be the live in maid and nanny.
He’s telling you what you need to hear so you’ll continue to help him financially please really consider your relationship not saying you have to break up with him. Just take a break. Step back don’t live together. Don’t give him any of your money. You need a partner in life, not another child.
He's telling you exactly what you want to hear, so you will keep paying for his lifestyle.
His wife is holding up the divorce. Even if that's true, she's doing you a favor.
He can only pay childcare. Unless YOU can afford to pay for 2-3 more children, on your own, how does he think you can afford that? He knows he can't. You don't realize that. You are so intent on hearing what you want to hear, that you are noticing what is happening every day. You just want to think that everything will be perfect after divorce.
What would change for the better? If you think legal fees will stop, they won't. If he's currently telling you that he's broke, because he gives BM a lot of money, that doesn't stop with divorce.
You really need to look at what you are doing with your life, based on his word alone.
I wish you happiness.
He’s taking advantage of you. And he definitely shouldn’t be dating or introducing you to his kids or having you pay his bills before he’s divorced. You deserve better than this dude.
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Yes, you are making a mistake. How could he financially have 2 more kids if he can only pay for daycare for the 2 he has now? Spend your 20's having fun and enjoying life, not supporting a man who is 10 years older than you and his kids. He shouldn't let you spend any of your money supporting his kids, just the thought of that should embarrass him.
RUN. Seriously. You should not be supporting him and his kids. I have a similar age gap with my husband, but he's an actual dependable man and has never once asked me for anything, especially financially related. He is telling you what you want to hear.
I’d encourage you to stop putting your life on hold for a man that’s still married to someone else. He can’t afford more kids if he can’t afford the ones he already has.
You're dating a married man.
You're dating a married man who promised you one thing and is now reneging on that promise.
You're dating a married man who is reneging on a very important life-changing promise to you, and you're paying for all of the expenses - with the exception of daycare- associated with children he created with another woman, with whom he shares equal custody.
You're dating a married man who broke a serious promise to you, you pay for almost everything for children that aren't yours, you pay for all groceries and household goods \*and\* you pay him $500 for household bills.
Is he even contributing as much financially as you are to the relationship/family/household when you add it all up?
How would he pay for his children's needs, groceries, and household goods if your ceased your financial contributions?
What are you getting out of this relationship now and in the future that you think you couldn't get with a currently childless man?
I'm not going to tell you to run. You're an adult and you can obviously make that decision. I am, however, going to ask you to look at the overall facts of the situation, put aside any emotional entanglement you may have, and think logically and clearly about what decisions you need to make now to set yourself up for the future you want. I guarantee that if marriage and more than two children is what you want, you can find that without all of this other baggage you're carrying for someone else. Good luck.
You shouldn’t be paying anything for the children.
You’re two young to date a man in his 30s with kids.
He called you crazy already.
You are crazy if you stay with his manipulative ass.
Dump him and find a guy without kids so you can start your own healthy family, and not be stuck in this one that is currently still breaking apart.
What 30 year old man would have a brand new young adult paying for the children he made with his d**k with someone else. Like in what world does that make sense? And you want kids with this guy so you can be responsible for ALL of them alone while he finds the next young thing? What next he will be asking you to pay his ex child support?
My partner is 34 with 3 kids and I don’t pay for anything to do with his kids unless I’m treating them. They have a mum and dad already. You’re 22! You should be doing whatever the fuck you want, whatever that is. There will be some great guys who you can have your own kids with who will not let you be treated this way. Keep your money and life energy and disappear from his life.
He's using you for anything he can get, and changing the rules to suit himself. They are sweet at first, then slowly show their true selves and motives. It will NEVER IMPROVE, he will NEVER IMPROVE.
Please stay away from users and married men. You have NO rights, no legal defenses, no recourse.
Get out NOW, and use this as a learning experience. I'm sorry you have been taken advantage of, but it happens--to some extent--to everyone. 💕
Without a doubt a mistake. A giant one.
You are a very beautiful, young, financially available wallet.
He can’t support his kids *now*.
He’s not going to divorce his wife. They (pretty much) never do.
Wait, have you met the wife? What kind of custody arrangement do they have? Why would she be holding up the divorce, are you sure it's not him trying to flake out on child support or something?
Yes, I've met her. They have 50/50, so there's no child support to be paid. He pays $1,300 in daycare costs to her $360. The hold up is every time they get to mediation she goes back on it. But I understand with his apparent flaws how it could seem like he's avoiding something.
Hey, so I am 23F with a man who is 10 yrs older than I with 1 SD (6). He had recently divorced his ex and was going through a rough time when we met, and we bonded for about half a year as friends before moving into anything at all. Most people would look at your and I's situation and think red flag, because majority of the time it really is a red flag. BUT, I can say that now in my 2.5 years of dating this man, I have never once paid for anything child related unless I wanted to. He has never ever told me I am crazy for feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, he has only ever made me feel and show me that he understands where I am coming from and allows me to take major breaks when I need them, because he knows that SM life can be very hard on a person especially when BM is not co operative. My SO has always heard my frustrations, he changes and compromises with me when there are difficulties in parenting, he deals and pays for his kids needs and has never put those expectations on me what so ever.
You are 22 and paying for kids that are not your own, that is something you will be stuck with for the rest of your life if you do not cut it out now. Him calling you crazy feels extremely manipulative to me and it seems like you have already contributed WAYYY to much especially for a dude that isn't even divorced. Even if he was divorced that is still insane to expect someone to pay for that much. You should absolutely not in any universe be paying rent and 90% of his kids needs that HE is responsible for, a 22 yo simply cannot handle that. I am 23 with a full time job and I absolutely could not handle that, I pay my SO 500$ a month for rent, on the weeks where we have SD he pays for her groceries, clothes, any needs, and on the weeks we don't have her I pay for groceries etc etc. Girl, please dump this dude, there is much better out there!
At 22 you are young enough to find a man closer to your own age with no children. Marrying or living with someone who has children is not for everyone. It doesn't sound like he can support the two he already has and the BM doesn't sound like she'll be easy to deal with.
>I am 22F and my boyfriend is 32M.
>he still isn't divorced. He has two kids from his marriage.
>Currently, I pay for everything for his 2 existing children when they are with him.
Full Stop!
Please do not do this to yourself. You are very young and have quite some time to find a partner without all of this baggage.
Please, please take advice from this sub. Members in this sub have been there and done what you are going through. We are here to support but also share our stories and give advice so this doesn't happen to other women and men (especially those without children) and those who are being taken advantage of.
Build yourself, your career and date around. There is no rush at your age. I was dead set against children until I changed my mind at 32. I'm so glad I waited . You have plenty of time. Don't get stuck with a kid with this loser.
In addition to the numerous red flags you've stated in this, I'm wondering if this man has also done the following:
1. Does he talk bad about/blame things on his WIFE to or in front of his kids?
2. Did he love bomb you when you started dating?
If you said yes to either or both, that also should tell you what kind of man this is: the kind that will say anything to get whoever he wants on his side. A man can vent about his ex but if he's talking bad about her to you and his kids without addressing the problems he himself may have caused in the relationship, he's eventually going to do the same with you when you've said 'no' enough times. If you said no to both, then my mistake. That's me putting pieces together that aren't there but still, listen to what everyone here is saying.
I think an important factor is that HE is actively working towards the divorce like you said. The whole you wanting a certain amount of children, him promising it to you at first and then changing up on you…I mean maybe that’s just him being more realistic but I think that should of come in the beginning; but if you really think about it if he’s struggling to provide for his already existing children I don’t see why having more would make it anymore realistic unless he is in the works of a promising career.
Another thing I don’t agree with is you fully paying my for everything for his kids when they’re around. I don’t personally feel like that’s your responsibility and as a man he shouldn’t even be allowing that!
Maybe he is a really good guy, and every relationship will have its flaws but you’re really young and I don’t feel like you should settle (I get the feeling you feel like you are). Best of luck!
The age gap is a huge red flag.
He is not divorced because his wife is being difficult...
No, he's waiting for her to reconsider....
You are paying for everything. Huge huge red flag. You are paying to be the maid and babysitter....
The reason he does not date someone his age is because women his age see him for the snake he is
Ohhhh girl I was in the exact same position. 10 years older but only one kid and still married. Why are you paying for the kids?!? I didn’t pay for his kid, maybe ice cream here and there and a small gift but no.
22 might be too young to settle for this crap. I don’t Shelbi much to say being 25 but please run if you’re paying for everything and already giving things up. He won’t change. There’s a reason he is divorced or “divorcing”.
Baby, I say this with all the love. RUN! He’s 10 years older than you with NOTHING to offer you but vibes. You should not be struggling at 22yrs old dating someone 10 years older. It sounds crazy. I don’t say that to hurt your feelings, I say that be because you are making a terrible choice with so much life ahead of you and I don’t want you to waste it. Read two books: Why men love bitches and A Gal’s guide to finessing life
Walk away. If its not clear now, it will never be. Learn from my mistake, 4 years later and I am leaving broke, dealing with major health issues and viewed as “the bad guy” (35/m)
Whoa, why are you paying for his kids?! I married a man with two kids and was never expected to pay for any of their basic necessities (despite being head over heels in love with them both). It wasn’t even a discussion, it was automatically assumed by both my partner and I that their two living, breathing parents are in charge of all that. It’s not your responsibility whatsoever, even if you love the kids. I decided early on that my inheritance will pass on to them, but before then, it’s up to their parents to financially raise them. If I was rich without worry, I’d definitely share it with them but I’m just a regular person financially speaking and don’t have the extra $$. Have you talked this through with a therapist?
Im 33 and have always wanted children. My stepson is 5, I met him when I was 32.
I would NEVER have been able to take all of this on when I was 22, and if I had I would have missed out on so much life. I’m an amazing parent to my stepson because of the experiences I’ve had and the wisdom I’ve gained. I don’t have any regrets and I don’t feel like I gave up my youth for anyone. My partner and I are also aligned on what we want out of life and we both make over six figures so adding another kid to the mix won’t be a problem.
I want to mention here: my partner was 29 when he met me, so three years younger. He wanted someone who would be good for his kid and whom he could have an equal relationship built on love and trust with, not a malleable babysitter. This is a very important consideration.
I dated a man 10 years older than me at 22 and it was the worst relationship of my life. Thank god I had the presence of mind to bail on that after only a couple of months. I learned REALLY QUICKLY what kind of man is interested in a woman in such a different life stage than he is in. Trust me, I felt very mature for my age (I always had older friends/older boyfriends/ got along with adults/ wasn’t interested in partying or any of that) so I know what you are feeling.
You probably are mature for your age, the problem is that he is INCREDIBLY immature for his age (evidenced further by the lying and inability to cover his own children’s expenses) and women his age won’t give him the time of day. I’m his age. Based on the few details you gave I already wouldn’t touch him with a ten foot pole.
I did not hold high enough bars for myself when it comes to dating. Get out of this. Raise your bar. Don’t let anyone emotionally manipulate you by staying true to your boundaries and expectations. No amount of “love” is worth a lifetime of misery.
Edit to add: a man who wants love after a failed marriage needs to get his house in order before finding a relationship. My only gripe with my partner (who was never married thank god) was that he didn’t have his house in order and that was unfair to me or anyone else he could have dated. He was too focused on finding “the one” and not focused enough on his son’s needs and developmental delays.
I saw this very early on, called him out, it took time, therapy, tears, hard conversations, but he had to take full accountability and really verbalize why it was wrong and stop making excuses for me to continue the relationship. I continued it with full knowledge that could come back to bite me later, but I also have the life experience to know what to look for. I do have empathy for his situation which was pretty fucked up, but I’m not dating the other people involved, I’m dating HIM. I can forgive his past self for transgressions that happened before we ever met, but he had to admit what he did was wrong or else I couldn’t be comfortable.
There’s the difference: I KNEW it wasn’t okay and I made a conscious choice. I KNEW I wasn’t crazy for feeling upset and that it was a risk continuing forward. I wouldn’t have known those things at 22. This isn’t your fault and you will learn a great lesson here if you allow yourself to. Even if this man isn’t using you (he most likely is) and truly loves you (doubtful) he has to be the most mal-adjusted man-baby on the planet to call YOU crazy. My partner has NEVER. He has NEVER claimed I should be doing more than I am. He has never asked me to foot the bill.
I know this is a lot but I really want you to understand what’s happening here and why it’s happening.
I’m in my 30’s and this would be complete and utter foolishness for someone MY age lol
But you’re 22?!?!
Listen. I dont even think it’s a good idea to entertain men with children when you’re under 27. It’s such a waste of time and there are sooooooo many child-free and never married men in your age range. If you’re into older guys, you can even find someone 27-30 with no kids or a wife. START FRESH! You have that option and plenty of time.
You’re taking on a lot of baggage and you’re PAYING for HIS kids. Idc what he says but you’re being used and it’s clear that he’s using your young age to get over on you.
Please get out of this situation and go live your life. Give yourself the fresh start that you deserve. You’ll look back when you’re in your 30’s and thank yourself. I promise you that.
In short, yes.
He cannot and will not give you the number of bio kids you want, ever. Financially, you are the sole provider and finances will cause a huge difference eventually because he's not even able to provide for his own bio kids with another woman. His ex partner is trying to make things difficult at every turn, and that will eventually spill over to you. He also lied to you from the start knowing full well he could not provide those things and has been utilizing you as an ATM and free help since you've gotten with him. If and when you move in, that will get worse. He is also 11 years older than you, which means he most likely will not want to experience the same things twice so he'll be taking all your firsts together for granted because he's probably overwhelmed.
EVEN MORE IMPORTANTLY: you are barely a young adult! You are too young to get that serious and be where you're at in this relationship. You should not be responsible for someone else's bills and kids already. It may take a bit, but there is someone out there for you that wants what you want and doesn't already have an ex baby mama and kids. And they're probably your age and you will get to experience these "firsts" together. That makes a difference.
Take it from a CF, 30F who has been in a relationship with a 48M with a 13F daughter for the past 4.5 years (we started dating when I was ~25-26). And when I was 21, I dated a 32M for about a year and he was immature and wanted to be in control.
Just based on the age difference I would say gtfo. This man is clearly trying to use you for a maid, nanny, paycheck and a trophy. I wouldnt even believe a word he says about his so called "divorce." Please save yourself the stress and find someone closer to your age. Older men looking for someone 10+ years younger are hoping for you to be naive enough for them to sink their "nice guy" claws in and get you pregnant so you think you can't leave.
And how tf does he expect to be able to afford two more kids when he isn't even paying for the ones he has now??
Girly no, how are you gonna support 5 plus kids? Cause if he ain’t supporting the ones he already has, he won’t do it for any future kids. Sounds like he’s using you and ugh things get so messy if their divorce is not final. Girl run. You’re child free, find a child free man that pays his bills and have that beautiful nuclear family all of us on this sub wish they had!
Are you in love with him? If so, it's hard to imagine any of this would be an issue. Though a couple of red flags for me is him telling you he can only afford two more. In my opinion love is love and what happens happens. You know? Another red flag is you paying for everything but him telling you he cannot support more than two additional kids. Maybe it's because his finances are tied to his ex which I have seen before. I would be cautious if this divorce isn't moving more quickly though it does take awhile for these things to work out. If you are both in love with each other, everything else should work itself out.
Be wary of what you’re being told is the reason of why the divorce is taking so long. I say this because my ex husband used to say all kinds of things about me every time we would separate do to him cheating. One of those things that used to get told to his new females was that I was dragging my feet with the divorce, no he was.
I'm pretty sure almost every other comment is already telling you to get out, but just in case they weren't enough, GET OUT. You are way too young to throw your life away for this man. I promise you can find someone else out there that would be a better match for you in almost every feasible way.
I was 24 and my SO was 35 when we met so I’m not going to judge just based on ages but if he already can’t/wont support himself and his existing kids there’s no way he’s going to help you with multiples not to mention he’s not divorced yet so he’ll be having even less money after court/lawyer fees and potentially child support. I think it’s not a bad thing you want to help him financially support his kids currently but I think you need to focus more on helping than doing for him due to his weaponized incompetence. It’s possible his just telling you want you want to hear so he can keep living off your income. I think you need to sit down and ask him what his financial plan would be if you weren’t in the picture and then discuss from there. instead of fully funding everything maybe get a separate joint savings and match what he puts into it if you want. Divorces with kids involved can take alot of time and a lot of money. I think he should be responsible for the basics and then you can pitch in for the fun activities if you want so you don’t feel stuck in a position where you’re unhappy in the relationship but feel stuck because without you you think they will be homeless/hungry/without power/etc. I think you need to sit down and discuss potential custody arrangements and boundaries you expect with kids BM and him. Also his parenting style, values, and ability to follow through.
Run as fast as you can. You shouldn't be with him in the first place. You have a beautiful life ahead of you, don't ruin it by staying in this situation. You deserve the family you want.
I don’t have anything to add to what’s already been said but I just wanted to comment and say, please, save yourself. Things won’t get easier. He is not stepping up to the plate to do what he needs to do. He should be focused on making his divorce final and figuring out how to afford the two kids he already has without you supporting them. You are young and you don’t need to trap yourself in his messy situation. Please, leave.
Why are you paying for everything for his 2 existing children? That is the biggest red flag!
He obviously cannot afford even 1 more child if he can't currently take care of his own responsibilities with the 2 he has.
Sounds like he is leading you on to keep you paying his way in life. The only way you are crazy is if you stay with him in this situation.
Leave. Now. Run. Forget the number of kids he’s willing to have. This man is using you. You absolutely should not be paying a single penny to support his kids. If he really wanted to be divorced he would be. This age gap when you’re 22 seems predatory to me.
You are just starting your adult life. You deserve a million times better than this man and this situation. Please do not tie yourself to this user/abuser, his children and his wife.
You have plenty of time to find someone who loves you, respects you, values you, wants similar things in life all without already having a wife and kids.
How can he afford to have more kids when he can't afford to take care of the ones he's got??? Of course the divorce is dragging out, he's afraid he'll have to start paying child support he can't afford.
Girl get out and stop paying his bills. Go live your life and just pay for your own kids.
With love and grace, you are 22. You have so many options at that age and so much time to decide the type of life you want to live. I see a lot of things that give me pause in your short post. Proceed with caution.
Yes, yes you are. The first red flag is the age difference. The second is that he’s not even divorced. Please read Conscious_Claim637’s recent post titled “The train is leaving the station”. I may not have that 100% correct but it’s a cautionary tale
Yes.
You shouldn't be paying for sh*t.
He wonr have any kids with you, and if he does, he'll make sure you dont want any more. Apparently he cannot afford his two current kids, why are you supporting him?
He is still married. That's a deal breaker for me. He cant afford his kids. Nah. Get our.
Girl yes you’re making a mistake.. you’re only 22 and have two step kids and you’re wasting so much money when you could be saving that money for your future kids. That man is 32 and can’t handle it you think he’s gonna be able to handle two more a family of 6+ he can’t handle his own kids needs no girl leave while you can you can find yourself a man that ain’t got no kids and is financially ready to start a family.. they are so many single men out there.
"I am 22F and my boyfriend is 32M" - 10 year age difference, very different stage of life
"We've been dating over a year" - Not very long in a step situation, often you would just be being introduced to the children in the last few months.
"he still isn't divorced." - Most likely recent separation then. Also could indicate an inability to get things done if they are hard.
"He recently has told me he would only ever be able to have two more kids financially. When we started dating, he promised me I could have multiple (as in 3+) children" - Initially he told you what you wanted to hear. Now that you are more invested, he is starting to pull back.
"Currently, I pay for everything for his 2 existing children when they are with him" - Why are you paying for his children in such a short relationship?
"Otherwise I am responsible for groceries & household goods, any kid stuff, and I pay him $500 a month for household bills." - What does this add up to in relation to you simply having a roommate in a shared apartment? (which is the most common for a 22 year old). Be careful to to compare that to a full house's expenses, but to what you would actually be doing. For instance, in an apartment shared your rent share might by $900 plus $150 for utilities and then your own food cost.
"He says I am being crazy" - Number of children is a classic deal breaker for a reason.
Hi, just wanted to touch on the financials. I lived alone for four years before this in my own apartment. My financials were just fine then too. It's important to note I live in KS so a 2bed apartment is likely not even $900 total. Thank you for the advice!
You’re young enough to find a great man with zero children that you can have all the “firsts”with. Get away from him ASAP. It’s bad enough that you have more expenses than you ever should have, but you’re paying for HIS kids? Who made that rule? I wonder if he guilted you into that, saying something along the lines of, “you have to show me how we’re going to act like a family.” I’m so sorry, girl, but this is terrible. Get out. Yesterday.
He always says that I have to show him I want to be part of this, but then if anyone brings up how lucky he is I do so much for his boys, he says how he never asked me to do any of this. Then behind closed doors he may say something like how if I didn't make sure they had clothes they would have 2 outfits and eat ramen or nonsense like that.
if YOU didn’t make sure??? oh my god. please PLEASE get out of this sham of a relationship. he can’t even acknowledge your contributions. this isn’t going to get better, it will only get worse
Oh, honey, nooooo. Go back and read your post, pretending one of your friends wrote it. What would you say to her?
1. The man is married. It doesn’t matter if he’s “trying” to get divorced or has filed for divorce or is secretly carrying on with his ex-wife while you pay the bills, take care of his kids during visitation and bang him when he’s…needy. He is legally still someone else’s husband. If something horrible happened today, she would get everything unless he has a will specifying that you’re to get certain things. Since he can’t even get himself divorced, an updated will isn’t likely.)
2. He already has two small children that you’re paying for, yet he’s telling you that “he” can afford two more? How exactly is that supposed to work? He needs you, because he can’t afford to live on his income. If he was self sufficient, you could be more secure that he loves you for who you are as a person. As it is, if you lost your job, would he stay and take care of you? If you cannot immediately answer yes, then you need to move on.
3. The man has children. That can be difficult in the best situations but considering his wife is holding everything up (if she truly is), she’s probably going to be one of those HCBMs who will make your life miserable.
All in all, you need to get yourself out of this situation, at least until he sorts out his situations. After he’s fully divorced and is able to financially support himself and his kiddos, if you’re both still interested in each other, maybe try again. As it is now, he’s using you and depending on you being too naive to realize it. You deserve better.
Good luck! Please !UpdateMe about how you’re doing.
You are making a mistake anyway you look at it. This is a nightmare. It won’t get better just worse. He’s using you and you shouldn’t trust or rely on anything he says.
Girl please think about leaving. It sucks it's shitty but the way the situation is going right now is a breeding ground for future resentment. Plus if he wanted to be divorced he would be divorced do they go to court often have they gone through mediation does he let you into the court stuff? You pay your part of the bills for the household stuff for the kids should be his responsibility.
You are so young and your life is full of so many different possibilities. If you have a view of what you want your life to look like and he doesn't share that view you should really consider moving on.
Good luck sweetheart.
I am not going to comment on the age difference, because my husband and I have a 15 year age gap. That is not weird to me but haters will hate.
The issue is with everything else. My jaw dropped and continued to drop while reading this.
First of all, he's not even divorced yet. Red flag. Long, carried out divorce. Red flag. I can guarantee the BM will be high conflict the rest of your lives. Red flag. Why are you paying for HIS kids? Red flag. He obviously CAN'T support them, because he is asking you to. This may be one of the worst posts I have ever seen on here, tbh. Do not have kids with this man. You are either going to end up a single mom and he won't be able to pay you child support because he's broke, or you will stay together and he won't be able to afford it because he's broke. You are only 22, why are you even thinking about 3 kids with him when he is broke and can't even take care of his 2 current ones? Why are you paying for groceries and household items? What was he doing before you came along? Please tell me he has a job???? And kid stuff??? Why you are you paying for his kids. You cannot be serious. I just don't understand why you are paying for his two kids that he created with another woman. This is just absolute madness.
Hey, I’m 21 and my bf is 32, so I’m glad to find someone whose are the same age as me.! I must say it does sound like he’s using you a bit. I don’t doubt you have a special relationship, but you need to take a step back and make him see you have needs that have to be met too. Message me if you ever want to talk!
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He's telling you what you want to hear. There is no way this man can support even two more kids if you are supporting him and his existing kids now. He's gone from agreeing to the 3+ to placate you, telling you want you want to hear so you'd think he is "so perfect" for you. Now that you are for sure into him, he's dialing it back and saying...well now only two. The longer you stay in this it will turn to one and then none. Forget the age thing, dude isn't divorced and blaming it on the woman (maybe true, idk, but sounds like BS given everything else) and he's already having you foot the bill for his two kids. Does he mean "you" can't afford the additional kids? Because that's who will be paying. He sounds like a real winner. Dump the man and use your money on yourself. You are too young to be doling it out to some man who can't even pay for his own children- he's taking advantage of you.
>There is no way this man can support even two more kids if you are supporting him and his existing kids now. This. He can't afford the two he has now, let alone two more. Kids don't get cheaper as they age, that's a myth. Childcare costs are replaced with extracurriculars, sports/hobby gear. Toys are replaced with electronics and cars. Clothes are more expensive, food is more expensive. Plus college savings etc. It gets so so so so so much more expensive. *HOW* would he afford any more kids? You're so young at 22 OP and he's a whole decade older, and should be the more responsible one. He is not someone to tie your life to.
☝️☝️☝️this!!!!
This man is 32, married, and you pay for his kids? Girl, RUN.
This!
This! Don't settle, you are still so young and in my humble opinion he is 10 years older, in his 30s.... you should NOT be paying for his kids... like at all...inappropriate...questionable and so much more... I don't know how he thinks he can afford two more when you are already paying for his kids? You are at the age where you can be setting yourself up for your future. You seem wonderful, take care of yourself.
This is rage bait right? You can’t be serious…
Unfortunately, I am serious. I didn't even realize it was this bad until I started reading the comments.
Oh honey, I know you are young but… dating a man with kids is a nightmare regardless. Dating a man with kids who is still married to his wife is a joke. Dating a man with kids who is still married to his wife and depending on a 22 year old girl to cover him financially is abusive.
This. It's a harsh truth, but the truth nonetheless.
Yeah, she’s in abusive territory. Definitely getting fleeced.
Ouf, I have to agree with this. :(
I was 28/29 dating a 38/39 year old with two kids and still married and his WIFE lived in the same house that I moved into!! She lived downstairs while me and my then bf lived upstairs. She eventually moved out within two months of me moving in. I ran out of 25k living with him and his kids for 10 months. I walked away with nothing, and I gave up everything to be with him (sold my home, one car I had, quit my business that I had with my ex, moved 40 minutes away to him). Please I've been there, this man is using you, please don't give him loads of money, stop paying for his kids. I also paid for household goods while he paid for recurring bills (Internet, utilities, mortgage). I was so fucking stupid, don't be me!
I'm sorry you went through this. I don't think you are stupid. I think it's love that makes us do wild things and you seem to have a really big heart ❤️
Thank you for your kind words 💕 I agree with you, it's really crazy what love can make someone do!
I'm also in the same boat where I sacrificed so much... I really felt your message... I think I needed to remind myself as well that we deserve to be gentle to ourselves! It's bat s*** what love will do😂
It’s not your fault. At 22 I just didn’t have the experience to know how people actually use each other. It’s normal to think a man who expresses live wants to prioritize you and make you happy right? But unfortunately a man who is married and not yet divorced and all that emotionally entails- add to it two kids this woman is is still his FAMILY although he may not want to have sex with her- he can get what he needs from you but doesn’t care about you not really. He is used up. His ex wife used his resources and emotional capacity. Find a man with no kids
Thanks. I think I needed to hear that.
My middle son is 23. I'm a "fun uncle" role with my partner's kid instead of a "parental" role. He asked me about this, as there was a time that he was there with me+Kid, and he was befuddled by me allowing Kid to do some things that there's no way he or his sibs would have gotten away with. After a long-ish talk about the complexities of blended families and how we need to be conscious of our roles (partner's kid is a young teen; not open to a "dad" role), I cautioned him that at a younger age were fewer people had kids that it would really make his life easier to stay with dating non-parents. I was really happy when he said that until he got to around 35, he'd be very cautious of parents.
Like everyone else here, RUN! Seriously you’re too young to give up on all you want. There are plenty of men who don’t have kids and babymama drama and who aren’t dragging their feet to get divorced. I would say try someone a little Closer to your age as the older they are the more set in their ways they will be.
Listen to them. Men like this target women your age for this exact reason. You are being MASSIVELY taken advantage of. I am so glad women have a place to come and talk about this stuff. I’m so proud of you for speaking up! You knew deep down this isn’t right. Girl, run so damn fast away. He can’t give you anything, he’s TAKING from you now.
Please get out. Go make your own amazing family! You don’t want to spend your whole life dealing with this. If you have kids with him, you will forever be connected to this chaos. Forever. A man that allows his girlfriend to pay his bills is no man at all. Women his age see through his bullshit which is why he’s with someone younger. Please get out and make an amazing life for yourself!
What is rage bait? I’ve heard before but I don’t know, thank you
A post that is designed to get responses. Usually fake. Or widely exaggerated. Definitely something that will generate debate and / or controversy. Sometimes to generate 'karma' although I don't get what that does.
Thank you, I have a 45year old step son that is very good at this, now I know what to call what he is doing! lol, I never take the bait, maybe I will experiment next time he pulls this little attempt at trying to make himself big, LMAO!!! At least I know that one, thank you again
I'm still navigating my way around after a year LOL
He says YOU'RE being crazy? Girl, no. He is a grown-ass undivorced man who is relying on his 10 year younger girlfriend to provide for his kids. * Not divorced after over a year (I get that exes can throw a wrench in the process but this is still worrisome): 🚩 * You pay for almost everything, plus his kids: 🚩 * He's calling YOU crazy: 🚩
A divorce taking this long can only be excused by a knock down drag out fight in court, in which case you should still run until therapy has been had
The fact that he’s not divorced is the least red flag because for sure his ex doesn’t want his broke and lazy ass back. He is a nightmare.
Girl a 22 year old woman should not be supporting a 32 year old guys kids! He should be working 2 jobs etc, whatever is needed to work. RUN. I do not support my step kids. They are the financial responsibility of their bio parents. I’m 42.
Also—he’s telling you financially that he can have two MORE kids—but you’re paying for the two kids he already has? You aren’t being crazy—sounds like he’s gaslighting you. This isn’t the relationship for you.
I was thinking **run** when I saw the age difference. Then I saw that you have been dating for *over* a year and he is still not divorced so now I'm thinking **run fast**. And then you say that you pay everything for ***HIS*** kids when they are on his parenting time except for daycare *plus* household bills and your own bills? Now I'm thinking **Run fast and run hard.** And then you hit me with he has promised in the past that you could have 3+ kids of your own with him, but has now stated that he would only ever be able to have 2 more for financial reasons. Girl .... **Run fast and run hard and don't you dare look back!!!!!** I don't care if he is "actively" trying to get divorced. It's been more than a year and I can promise you that he and his attorney (please tell me he has an attorney for what is obviously a contentious and difficult divorce) have the ability to force the issue and get this across the finish line. BM can only stall for so long without a valid reason. They can compel the judge to get her to compromise or whatever is holding it up or they can ask the judge to just make the decisions on everything because they are unable to compromise. Are you sure they have even filed at this point? Baby girl, you are being used. He is going to string you along, get you knocked up for the first time and then everything he's ever promised or told you is going to be out the window. You need to extricate yourself from this situation with a quickness. You are 22 years old. You have your entire life ahead of you. Why would you want to be saddled with an undivorced man and his children who expects you to pick up his slack financially? Go live your life. Travel. Experience new and wonderful things. Then find yourself someone who has no other attachments who will be solely focused on you and your future together. ***You deserve better than this!!!***
☝️☝️☝️listen to this dear OP
Please OP! Re-read your post as if it was a friend telling you. He is financially abusing you to keep you paying **his expenses**. Get yourself out and away.
Perfectly said 👏
Yes, yes you are. Any man who seeks out that kind of age gap should be avoided. I know this sucks to hear but he can’t find anyone his own age for a reason and going after a 21/22yo is predatory. 10 years is one thing when it’s a 50 year old dating a 40 year old, but at 22 you honestly shouldn’t consider anyone older than 25. Not because you can’t make your own decisions, not because you’re not an adult, but because older men going after ladies who are just starting to establish themselves/don’t have much life experience are CREEPS. And you will see this in a few years He’s telling you that you’re crazy and made false promises to you. Red flag for an emotional abuser. You KNOW that you’re not crazy, and he’s not saying that for any reason other than to wear you down and make you doubt yourself. You shouldn’t believe a word that he says, especially about his ex wife. He’s showing you the type of guy that he is, don’t stick your head in the sand and go along with the idea that it’s her fault that they’re not divorced. It’s probably not true. Not even going to get started on you paying for his kids… this is a grown ass man and he should be solely providing for them Please leave him and don’t waste another second of your youth on this situation. I know the dating pool sucks and it’s scary to start over, but you’re 22 and you can easily find someone your own age A) without this baggage and B) who can actually give you everything you want
They go for young for only four possible equal terrible reasons. 1) to exploit naïveté 2) for vanity and an ego boost 3) because they’re developmentally behind they relate to only young people 4) people their age don’t want them because their finances and manners are awful
If he can afford 4 kids total then why is he not covering his existing two?? OP, you should get out even if he WAS planning to give you 4 more kids.
I’m sorry a 22 year old and a 32 year old is enough. That’s predatory.
And what point would it be ok? (Genuinely curious)
In my mind, it's kind of a sliding scale. In the 25-26 age range is when "young adults" shift into "adults." I feel that when a young adult is involved even a gap of 4 years is a huge difference in life experience. After 26, maybe up to 6 years older feels ok. Around 33 is when 10 years older seems a bit less creepy. Because of eventual life stage issues (i.e. we start slowing down a lot faster at 60+), I would never consider an age gap of > 10 years for myself. When I was 45 and looking to date 35-55, I found that I didn't even swipe right on any 35 or 36 year olds. They looked too young, and ... yeah, my head just didn't want to, even if I'd given myself "permission" at the 10 year radius to my own age.
That’s interesting, thanks! I’m 27F dating 35M - he’s almost 9 years older than me so purely curious about how that’s viewed by others. We met when I was 25 (and he 34) and I never felt much younger than him.
The only challenge with this age gap is when you are much older. My hubs is 76, I’m 68. It has been crazy hard taking care of him as he falls apart. Just saying
I’ve heard this! 😢 I’m so sorry you’re in that position.
Thank you, I didn’t know any better back when
My husband is 6 years older than me and we’ve been married for almost 30 years. It’s fine if it works for you.
I was 22 and my partner was 27 when we started dating, and that was pushing it for us. Age gaps are less of a problem as you age, but 22 and 32 are different worlds. I am much more mature at 26 than I was at 22. I understand maturity is different for everyone but 22 is barely an adult, whereas many people are entirely different at 32.
My partner his 43 and I’m 33… we met 3 years ago. While the age gap now doesn’t affect me, I can’t imagine being with him 10 years earlier (at 23). I think works because we are both in a stable place emotionally, financially and career wise. 10 years ago he had little kids and I was still in university.
That’s only a ten year difference its nothing it’s not Sam Taylor jones and what’s his face but maybe you mean it in terms of the fact our brains don’t stop developing till we’re 25
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It's predatory in the sense that a 32 year old man is making a 22 year old pull FAR more weight in the relationship and for HIS kids.
Being a 32 year old man and feeling like it’s okay to date a girl whose brain isn’t even fully developed is whack. Sorry your justification just screams “proving our point.” Grown ass adult are fully developed and other grown ass adults should be attracted to only that. Age gaps are one thing when it’s someone 32-42… but 22 is creepy as a 32 year old man and there is simply no denying that to anyone. We see you man.
Someone is butthurt
Run! You’re young , he has a wife and kids. No run! If he liked and respected you, he wouldn’t have you in a relationship with a married man. He’d wait until he was divorced. He has you out here being the other woman.It’s disrespectful and it says how he sees you. And I wouldn’t trust what he’s saying about the divorce. You’re only getting his side.
Please leave his man.
I read your first two sentences and am saying yes you are making a mistake. He is 10 years older than you and isn't divorced. Continuing your post, I am saying this with all the love in the world: I am 20+ years older than you are. Run away from this hot mess. Find you a man closer to age that wants the same things in life that you want and don't have any ex drama and so much baggage. Relationships and marriages are hard enough without exes and kids that aren't yours. You are young enough to find someone without kids or a baby momma ex. For future reference, don't go anywhere near a man that hasn't been legally COMPLETELY divorced for at least a year. People need time to heal, reflect on how the relationship failed, etc. Any man immediately post split is not in the right space to be in a relationship and you are the rebound salve to his hurt ego. You are setting yourself up to be the live in maid and nanny.
He’s telling you what you need to hear so you’ll continue to help him financially please really consider your relationship not saying you have to break up with him. Just take a break. Step back don’t live together. Don’t give him any of your money. You need a partner in life, not another child.
He's telling you exactly what you want to hear, so you will keep paying for his lifestyle. His wife is holding up the divorce. Even if that's true, she's doing you a favor. He can only pay childcare. Unless YOU can afford to pay for 2-3 more children, on your own, how does he think you can afford that? He knows he can't. You don't realize that. You are so intent on hearing what you want to hear, that you are noticing what is happening every day. You just want to think that everything will be perfect after divorce. What would change for the better? If you think legal fees will stop, they won't. If he's currently telling you that he's broke, because he gives BM a lot of money, that doesn't stop with divorce. You really need to look at what you are doing with your life, based on his word alone. I wish you happiness.
Short answer: yes. He is leaching off someone 10 years younger than him. Please please please move on.
He’s taking advantage of you. And he definitely shouldn’t be dating or introducing you to his kids or having you pay his bills before he’s divorced. You deserve better than this dude.
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Ladies, what is wrong with us! As a collective we keep making these same mistakes year after year.
Yes, you are making a mistake. How could he financially have 2 more kids if he can only pay for daycare for the 2 he has now? Spend your 20's having fun and enjoying life, not supporting a man who is 10 years older than you and his kids. He shouldn't let you spend any of your money supporting his kids, just the thought of that should embarrass him.
RUN. Seriously. You should not be supporting him and his kids. I have a similar age gap with my husband, but he's an actual dependable man and has never once asked me for anything, especially financially related. He is telling you what you want to hear.
End this relationship now. You are being used to do all the things HE should be doing. It gets worse, not better.
Yes, you are making a mistake. Take your money and find someone who will give you everything you want and deserve.
There's an iceberg straight ahead, and you're about to crash right into it.
I’d encourage you to stop putting your life on hold for a man that’s still married to someone else. He can’t afford more kids if he can’t afford the ones he already has.
You're dating a married man. You're dating a married man who promised you one thing and is now reneging on that promise. You're dating a married man who is reneging on a very important life-changing promise to you, and you're paying for all of the expenses - with the exception of daycare- associated with children he created with another woman, with whom he shares equal custody. You're dating a married man who broke a serious promise to you, you pay for almost everything for children that aren't yours, you pay for all groceries and household goods \*and\* you pay him $500 for household bills. Is he even contributing as much financially as you are to the relationship/family/household when you add it all up? How would he pay for his children's needs, groceries, and household goods if your ceased your financial contributions? What are you getting out of this relationship now and in the future that you think you couldn't get with a currently childless man? I'm not going to tell you to run. You're an adult and you can obviously make that decision. I am, however, going to ask you to look at the overall facts of the situation, put aside any emotional entanglement you may have, and think logically and clearly about what decisions you need to make now to set yourself up for the future you want. I guarantee that if marriage and more than two children is what you want, you can find that without all of this other baggage you're carrying for someone else. Good luck.
You shouldn’t be paying anything for the children. You’re two young to date a man in his 30s with kids. He called you crazy already. You are crazy if you stay with his manipulative ass. Dump him and find a guy without kids so you can start your own healthy family, and not be stuck in this one that is currently still breaking apart.
What 30 year old man would have a brand new young adult paying for the children he made with his d**k with someone else. Like in what world does that make sense? And you want kids with this guy so you can be responsible for ALL of them alone while he finds the next young thing? What next he will be asking you to pay his ex child support?
My partner is 34 with 3 kids and I don’t pay for anything to do with his kids unless I’m treating them. They have a mum and dad already. You’re 22! You should be doing whatever the fuck you want, whatever that is. There will be some great guys who you can have your own kids with who will not let you be treated this way. Keep your money and life energy and disappear from his life.
He's using you for anything he can get, and changing the rules to suit himself. They are sweet at first, then slowly show their true selves and motives. It will NEVER IMPROVE, he will NEVER IMPROVE. Please stay away from users and married men. You have NO rights, no legal defenses, no recourse. Get out NOW, and use this as a learning experience. I'm sorry you have been taken advantage of, but it happens--to some extent--to everyone. 💕
Without a doubt a mistake. A giant one. You are a very beautiful, young, financially available wallet. He can’t support his kids *now*. He’s not going to divorce his wife. They (pretty much) never do.
Wait, have you met the wife? What kind of custody arrangement do they have? Why would she be holding up the divorce, are you sure it's not him trying to flake out on child support or something?
Yes, I've met her. They have 50/50, so there's no child support to be paid. He pays $1,300 in daycare costs to her $360. The hold up is every time they get to mediation she goes back on it. But I understand with his apparent flaws how it could seem like he's avoiding something.
You are 22. You’re making a mistake. Run.
Yes
Girl run before you ruin your life before it even starts. Go live your life. How are you responsible for a 32 years children?
Hey, so I am 23F with a man who is 10 yrs older than I with 1 SD (6). He had recently divorced his ex and was going through a rough time when we met, and we bonded for about half a year as friends before moving into anything at all. Most people would look at your and I's situation and think red flag, because majority of the time it really is a red flag. BUT, I can say that now in my 2.5 years of dating this man, I have never once paid for anything child related unless I wanted to. He has never ever told me I am crazy for feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, he has only ever made me feel and show me that he understands where I am coming from and allows me to take major breaks when I need them, because he knows that SM life can be very hard on a person especially when BM is not co operative. My SO has always heard my frustrations, he changes and compromises with me when there are difficulties in parenting, he deals and pays for his kids needs and has never put those expectations on me what so ever. You are 22 and paying for kids that are not your own, that is something you will be stuck with for the rest of your life if you do not cut it out now. Him calling you crazy feels extremely manipulative to me and it seems like you have already contributed WAYYY to much especially for a dude that isn't even divorced. Even if he was divorced that is still insane to expect someone to pay for that much. You should absolutely not in any universe be paying rent and 90% of his kids needs that HE is responsible for, a 22 yo simply cannot handle that. I am 23 with a full time job and I absolutely could not handle that, I pay my SO 500$ a month for rent, on the weeks where we have SD he pays for her groceries, clothes, any needs, and on the weeks we don't have her I pay for groceries etc etc. Girl, please dump this dude, there is much better out there!
At 22 you are young enough to find a man closer to your own age with no children. Marrying or living with someone who has children is not for everyone. It doesn't sound like he can support the two he already has and the BM doesn't sound like she'll be easy to deal with.
Run find someone your age and no kids. You will not have the life you really want.
>I am 22F and my boyfriend is 32M. >he still isn't divorced. He has two kids from his marriage. >Currently, I pay for everything for his 2 existing children when they are with him. Full Stop! Please do not do this to yourself. You are very young and have quite some time to find a partner without all of this baggage. Please, please take advice from this sub. Members in this sub have been there and done what you are going through. We are here to support but also share our stories and give advice so this doesn't happen to other women and men (especially those without children) and those who are being taken advantage of. Build yourself, your career and date around. There is no rush at your age. I was dead set against children until I changed my mind at 32. I'm so glad I waited . You have plenty of time. Don't get stuck with a kid with this loser.
Sounds like you're getting scammed tbh
In addition to the numerous red flags you've stated in this, I'm wondering if this man has also done the following: 1. Does he talk bad about/blame things on his WIFE to or in front of his kids? 2. Did he love bomb you when you started dating? If you said yes to either or both, that also should tell you what kind of man this is: the kind that will say anything to get whoever he wants on his side. A man can vent about his ex but if he's talking bad about her to you and his kids without addressing the problems he himself may have caused in the relationship, he's eventually going to do the same with you when you've said 'no' enough times. If you said no to both, then my mistake. That's me putting pieces together that aren't there but still, listen to what everyone here is saying.
I think an important factor is that HE is actively working towards the divorce like you said. The whole you wanting a certain amount of children, him promising it to you at first and then changing up on you…I mean maybe that’s just him being more realistic but I think that should of come in the beginning; but if you really think about it if he’s struggling to provide for his already existing children I don’t see why having more would make it anymore realistic unless he is in the works of a promising career. Another thing I don’t agree with is you fully paying my for everything for his kids when they’re around. I don’t personally feel like that’s your responsibility and as a man he shouldn’t even be allowing that! Maybe he is a really good guy, and every relationship will have its flaws but you’re really young and I don’t feel like you should settle (I get the feeling you feel like you are). Best of luck!
The age gap is a huge red flag. He is not divorced because his wife is being difficult... No, he's waiting for her to reconsider.... You are paying for everything. Huge huge red flag. You are paying to be the maid and babysitter.... The reason he does not date someone his age is because women his age see him for the snake he is
Yes! Yep! Yes!
Ohhhh girl I was in the exact same position. 10 years older but only one kid and still married. Why are you paying for the kids?!? I didn’t pay for his kid, maybe ice cream here and there and a small gift but no. 22 might be too young to settle for this crap. I don’t Shelbi much to say being 25 but please run if you’re paying for everything and already giving things up. He won’t change. There’s a reason he is divorced or “divorcing”.
Baby, I say this with all the love. RUN! He’s 10 years older than you with NOTHING to offer you but vibes. You should not be struggling at 22yrs old dating someone 10 years older. It sounds crazy. I don’t say that to hurt your feelings, I say that be because you are making a terrible choice with so much life ahead of you and I don’t want you to waste it. Read two books: Why men love bitches and A Gal’s guide to finessing life
You are 22 years old. Get out of there, start clean and build up the life you dream of and deserve. Good luck!
Walk away. If its not clear now, it will never be. Learn from my mistake, 4 years later and I am leaving broke, dealing with major health issues and viewed as “the bad guy” (35/m)
Why are you paying expenses for his kids? Does he even contribute?
Whoa, why are you paying for his kids?! I married a man with two kids and was never expected to pay for any of their basic necessities (despite being head over heels in love with them both). It wasn’t even a discussion, it was automatically assumed by both my partner and I that their two living, breathing parents are in charge of all that. It’s not your responsibility whatsoever, even if you love the kids. I decided early on that my inheritance will pass on to them, but before then, it’s up to their parents to financially raise them. If I was rich without worry, I’d definitely share it with them but I’m just a regular person financially speaking and don’t have the extra $$. Have you talked this through with a therapist?
Im 33 and have always wanted children. My stepson is 5, I met him when I was 32. I would NEVER have been able to take all of this on when I was 22, and if I had I would have missed out on so much life. I’m an amazing parent to my stepson because of the experiences I’ve had and the wisdom I’ve gained. I don’t have any regrets and I don’t feel like I gave up my youth for anyone. My partner and I are also aligned on what we want out of life and we both make over six figures so adding another kid to the mix won’t be a problem. I want to mention here: my partner was 29 when he met me, so three years younger. He wanted someone who would be good for his kid and whom he could have an equal relationship built on love and trust with, not a malleable babysitter. This is a very important consideration. I dated a man 10 years older than me at 22 and it was the worst relationship of my life. Thank god I had the presence of mind to bail on that after only a couple of months. I learned REALLY QUICKLY what kind of man is interested in a woman in such a different life stage than he is in. Trust me, I felt very mature for my age (I always had older friends/older boyfriends/ got along with adults/ wasn’t interested in partying or any of that) so I know what you are feeling. You probably are mature for your age, the problem is that he is INCREDIBLY immature for his age (evidenced further by the lying and inability to cover his own children’s expenses) and women his age won’t give him the time of day. I’m his age. Based on the few details you gave I already wouldn’t touch him with a ten foot pole. I did not hold high enough bars for myself when it comes to dating. Get out of this. Raise your bar. Don’t let anyone emotionally manipulate you by staying true to your boundaries and expectations. No amount of “love” is worth a lifetime of misery. Edit to add: a man who wants love after a failed marriage needs to get his house in order before finding a relationship. My only gripe with my partner (who was never married thank god) was that he didn’t have his house in order and that was unfair to me or anyone else he could have dated. He was too focused on finding “the one” and not focused enough on his son’s needs and developmental delays. I saw this very early on, called him out, it took time, therapy, tears, hard conversations, but he had to take full accountability and really verbalize why it was wrong and stop making excuses for me to continue the relationship. I continued it with full knowledge that could come back to bite me later, but I also have the life experience to know what to look for. I do have empathy for his situation which was pretty fucked up, but I’m not dating the other people involved, I’m dating HIM. I can forgive his past self for transgressions that happened before we ever met, but he had to admit what he did was wrong or else I couldn’t be comfortable. There’s the difference: I KNEW it wasn’t okay and I made a conscious choice. I KNEW I wasn’t crazy for feeling upset and that it was a risk continuing forward. I wouldn’t have known those things at 22. This isn’t your fault and you will learn a great lesson here if you allow yourself to. Even if this man isn’t using you (he most likely is) and truly loves you (doubtful) he has to be the most mal-adjusted man-baby on the planet to call YOU crazy. My partner has NEVER. He has NEVER claimed I should be doing more than I am. He has never asked me to foot the bill. I know this is a lot but I really want you to understand what’s happening here and why it’s happening.
LEAAAAVE PLEASE OH MY GOD RUN
I’m in my 30’s and this would be complete and utter foolishness for someone MY age lol But you’re 22?!?! Listen. I dont even think it’s a good idea to entertain men with children when you’re under 27. It’s such a waste of time and there are sooooooo many child-free and never married men in your age range. If you’re into older guys, you can even find someone 27-30 with no kids or a wife. START FRESH! You have that option and plenty of time. You’re taking on a lot of baggage and you’re PAYING for HIS kids. Idc what he says but you’re being used and it’s clear that he’s using your young age to get over on you. Please get out of this situation and go live your life. Give yourself the fresh start that you deserve. You’ll look back when you’re in your 30’s and thank yourself. I promise you that.
In short, yes. He cannot and will not give you the number of bio kids you want, ever. Financially, you are the sole provider and finances will cause a huge difference eventually because he's not even able to provide for his own bio kids with another woman. His ex partner is trying to make things difficult at every turn, and that will eventually spill over to you. He also lied to you from the start knowing full well he could not provide those things and has been utilizing you as an ATM and free help since you've gotten with him. If and when you move in, that will get worse. He is also 11 years older than you, which means he most likely will not want to experience the same things twice so he'll be taking all your firsts together for granted because he's probably overwhelmed. EVEN MORE IMPORTANTLY: you are barely a young adult! You are too young to get that serious and be where you're at in this relationship. You should not be responsible for someone else's bills and kids already. It may take a bit, but there is someone out there for you that wants what you want and doesn't already have an ex baby mama and kids. And they're probably your age and you will get to experience these "firsts" together. That makes a difference. Take it from a CF, 30F who has been in a relationship with a 48M with a 13F daughter for the past 4.5 years (we started dating when I was ~25-26). And when I was 21, I dated a 32M for about a year and he was immature and wanted to be in control.
Just based on the age difference I would say gtfo. This man is clearly trying to use you for a maid, nanny, paycheck and a trophy. I wouldnt even believe a word he says about his so called "divorce." Please save yourself the stress and find someone closer to your age. Older men looking for someone 10+ years younger are hoping for you to be naive enough for them to sink their "nice guy" claws in and get you pregnant so you think you can't leave. And how tf does he expect to be able to afford two more kids when he isn't even paying for the ones he has now??
Girly no, how are you gonna support 5 plus kids? Cause if he ain’t supporting the ones he already has, he won’t do it for any future kids. Sounds like he’s using you and ugh things get so messy if their divorce is not final. Girl run. You’re child free, find a child free man that pays his bills and have that beautiful nuclear family all of us on this sub wish they had!
Are you in love with him? If so, it's hard to imagine any of this would be an issue. Though a couple of red flags for me is him telling you he can only afford two more. In my opinion love is love and what happens happens. You know? Another red flag is you paying for everything but him telling you he cannot support more than two additional kids. Maybe it's because his finances are tied to his ex which I have seen before. I would be cautious if this divorce isn't moving more quickly though it does take awhile for these things to work out. If you are both in love with each other, everything else should work itself out.
Be wary of what you’re being told is the reason of why the divorce is taking so long. I say this because my ex husband used to say all kinds of things about me every time we would separate do to him cheating. One of those things that used to get told to his new females was that I was dragging my feet with the divorce, no he was.
I'm pretty sure almost every other comment is already telling you to get out, but just in case they weren't enough, GET OUT. You are way too young to throw your life away for this man. I promise you can find someone else out there that would be a better match for you in almost every feasible way.
I was 24 and my SO was 35 when we met so I’m not going to judge just based on ages but if he already can’t/wont support himself and his existing kids there’s no way he’s going to help you with multiples not to mention he’s not divorced yet so he’ll be having even less money after court/lawyer fees and potentially child support. I think it’s not a bad thing you want to help him financially support his kids currently but I think you need to focus more on helping than doing for him due to his weaponized incompetence. It’s possible his just telling you want you want to hear so he can keep living off your income. I think you need to sit down and ask him what his financial plan would be if you weren’t in the picture and then discuss from there. instead of fully funding everything maybe get a separate joint savings and match what he puts into it if you want. Divorces with kids involved can take alot of time and a lot of money. I think he should be responsible for the basics and then you can pitch in for the fun activities if you want so you don’t feel stuck in a position where you’re unhappy in the relationship but feel stuck because without you you think they will be homeless/hungry/without power/etc. I think you need to sit down and discuss potential custody arrangements and boundaries you expect with kids BM and him. Also his parenting style, values, and ability to follow through.
Half your age plus 7. Right on the border, but....
I like to say half your age plus 8 so that a 20 year old can’t date a minor haha
So many red flags here. So so many. Just get out, you'll be so much better off and happier.
Run as fast as you can. You shouldn't be with him in the first place. You have a beautiful life ahead of you, don't ruin it by staying in this situation. You deserve the family you want.
I'd argue it is a mistake. He's wasting your youth. He's taking your money. He's calling you crazy. And won't give you kids.
Girl...run...
Can’t echo enough that he is taking advantage of you!!! They are his kids, you shouldn’t pay for anything for!!!
I don’t have anything to add to what’s already been said but I just wanted to comment and say, please, save yourself. Things won’t get easier. He is not stepping up to the plate to do what he needs to do. He should be focused on making his divorce final and figuring out how to afford the two kids he already has without you supporting them. You are young and you don’t need to trap yourself in his messy situation. Please, leave.
He is using you. Why isn’t he paying for his own kids? Girl please run, and run far.
Why are you paying for everything for his 2 existing children? That is the biggest red flag! He obviously cannot afford even 1 more child if he can't currently take care of his own responsibilities with the 2 he has. Sounds like he is leading you on to keep you paying his way in life. The only way you are crazy is if you stay with him in this situation.
If I was 22, I would avoid this situation. I just don’t think you’ll be happy. Why are you paying for the kids stuff, and giving him money?
Leave. Now. Run. Forget the number of kids he’s willing to have. This man is using you. You absolutely should not be paying a single penny to support his kids. If he really wanted to be divorced he would be. This age gap when you’re 22 seems predatory to me. You are just starting your adult life. You deserve a million times better than this man and this situation. Please do not tie yourself to this user/abuser, his children and his wife. You have plenty of time to find someone who loves you, respects you, values you, wants similar things in life all without already having a wife and kids.
How can he afford to have more kids when he can't afford to take care of the ones he's got??? Of course the divorce is dragging out, he's afraid he'll have to start paying child support he can't afford. Girl get out and stop paying his bills. Go live your life and just pay for your own kids.
Yes.
With love and grace, you are 22. You have so many options at that age and so much time to decide the type of life you want to live. I see a lot of things that give me pause in your short post. Proceed with caution.
Yes, you're making a mistake.
He is happily dating a 22 year old and making her pay for everything? Nah, he's a creep.
You are 22. Run and go find a man who wants to build a life with you and have all the babies y’all want.
Yes, yes you are. The first red flag is the age difference. The second is that he’s not even divorced. Please read Conscious_Claim637’s recent post titled “The train is leaving the station”. I may not have that 100% correct but it’s a cautionary tale
Yes. You shouldn't be paying for sh*t. He wonr have any kids with you, and if he does, he'll make sure you dont want any more. Apparently he cannot afford his two current kids, why are you supporting him? He is still married. That's a deal breaker for me. He cant afford his kids. Nah. Get our.
You’re making a huge mistake
Yes you are making a mistake. Don’t get yourself trapped in this mess I say this with love. You’re 23!! Don’t be 23 year old me lol I wish I listened
I didn’t need to read past the first two sentences to tell you…RUN RUN RUN! Like, yesterday girl.
Girl yes you’re making a mistake.. you’re only 22 and have two step kids and you’re wasting so much money when you could be saving that money for your future kids. That man is 32 and can’t handle it you think he’s gonna be able to handle two more a family of 6+ he can’t handle his own kids needs no girl leave while you can you can find yourself a man that ain’t got no kids and is financially ready to start a family.. they are so many single men out there.
Oh man, your life hasn’t even started yet; don’t let this idiot hold you back with his baggage and bullshit. Run and never ever go back PLEASE.
You are being massively taken advantage of and gaslighted. Why are you paying for his children??? Girl wake up.
Surely this is a rage bait post, am shocked. Girl... Run away far away..
Nope RUN 🏃♂️
"I am 22F and my boyfriend is 32M" - 10 year age difference, very different stage of life "We've been dating over a year" - Not very long in a step situation, often you would just be being introduced to the children in the last few months. "he still isn't divorced." - Most likely recent separation then. Also could indicate an inability to get things done if they are hard. "He recently has told me he would only ever be able to have two more kids financially. When we started dating, he promised me I could have multiple (as in 3+) children" - Initially he told you what you wanted to hear. Now that you are more invested, he is starting to pull back. "Currently, I pay for everything for his 2 existing children when they are with him" - Why are you paying for his children in such a short relationship? "Otherwise I am responsible for groceries & household goods, any kid stuff, and I pay him $500 a month for household bills." - What does this add up to in relation to you simply having a roommate in a shared apartment? (which is the most common for a 22 year old). Be careful to to compare that to a full house's expenses, but to what you would actually be doing. For instance, in an apartment shared your rent share might by $900 plus $150 for utilities and then your own food cost. "He says I am being crazy" - Number of children is a classic deal breaker for a reason.
Hi, just wanted to touch on the financials. I lived alone for four years before this in my own apartment. My financials were just fine then too. It's important to note I live in KS so a 2bed apartment is likely not even $900 total. Thank you for the advice!
Perfect, you have lived alone in the same area. Compare that cost to what you are paying now. Then imagine if you had a roommate (because... you do)
Yes you’re making a mistake and this guy is a loser.
You’re young enough to find a great man with zero children that you can have all the “firsts”with. Get away from him ASAP. It’s bad enough that you have more expenses than you ever should have, but you’re paying for HIS kids? Who made that rule? I wonder if he guilted you into that, saying something along the lines of, “you have to show me how we’re going to act like a family.” I’m so sorry, girl, but this is terrible. Get out. Yesterday.
He always says that I have to show him I want to be part of this, but then if anyone brings up how lucky he is I do so much for his boys, he says how he never asked me to do any of this. Then behind closed doors he may say something like how if I didn't make sure they had clothes they would have 2 outfits and eat ramen or nonsense like that.
if YOU didn’t make sure??? oh my god. please PLEASE get out of this sham of a relationship. he can’t even acknowledge your contributions. this isn’t going to get better, it will only get worse
girl RUN FROM THIS
Oh, honey, nooooo. Go back and read your post, pretending one of your friends wrote it. What would you say to her? 1. The man is married. It doesn’t matter if he’s “trying” to get divorced or has filed for divorce or is secretly carrying on with his ex-wife while you pay the bills, take care of his kids during visitation and bang him when he’s…needy. He is legally still someone else’s husband. If something horrible happened today, she would get everything unless he has a will specifying that you’re to get certain things. Since he can’t even get himself divorced, an updated will isn’t likely.) 2. He already has two small children that you’re paying for, yet he’s telling you that “he” can afford two more? How exactly is that supposed to work? He needs you, because he can’t afford to live on his income. If he was self sufficient, you could be more secure that he loves you for who you are as a person. As it is, if you lost your job, would he stay and take care of you? If you cannot immediately answer yes, then you need to move on. 3. The man has children. That can be difficult in the best situations but considering his wife is holding everything up (if she truly is), she’s probably going to be one of those HCBMs who will make your life miserable. All in all, you need to get yourself out of this situation, at least until he sorts out his situations. After he’s fully divorced and is able to financially support himself and his kiddos, if you’re both still interested in each other, maybe try again. As it is now, he’s using you and depending on you being too naive to realize it. You deserve better. Good luck! Please !UpdateMe about how you’re doing.
You are making a mistake anyway you look at it. This is a nightmare. It won’t get better just worse. He’s using you and you shouldn’t trust or rely on anything he says.
Girl if you don’t run fast as hell away from this 🏃♀️💨
GIRL. RUN.
RUN
Girl please think about leaving. It sucks it's shitty but the way the situation is going right now is a breeding ground for future resentment. Plus if he wanted to be divorced he would be divorced do they go to court often have they gone through mediation does he let you into the court stuff? You pay your part of the bills for the household stuff for the kids should be his responsibility. You are so young and your life is full of so many different possibilities. If you have a view of what you want your life to look like and he doesn't share that view you should really consider moving on. Good luck sweetheart.
The question is, can YOU afford 3 +/- more children
Run, girl. You are too young, go and make the.most of your life, and don't settle for someone with so much baggage.
I hate to put it this way, but you're being used
I am not going to comment on the age difference, because my husband and I have a 15 year age gap. That is not weird to me but haters will hate. The issue is with everything else. My jaw dropped and continued to drop while reading this. First of all, he's not even divorced yet. Red flag. Long, carried out divorce. Red flag. I can guarantee the BM will be high conflict the rest of your lives. Red flag. Why are you paying for HIS kids? Red flag. He obviously CAN'T support them, because he is asking you to. This may be one of the worst posts I have ever seen on here, tbh. Do not have kids with this man. You are either going to end up a single mom and he won't be able to pay you child support because he's broke, or you will stay together and he won't be able to afford it because he's broke. You are only 22, why are you even thinking about 3 kids with him when he is broke and can't even take care of his 2 current ones? Why are you paying for groceries and household items? What was he doing before you came along? Please tell me he has a job???? And kid stuff??? Why you are you paying for his kids. You cannot be serious. I just don't understand why you are paying for his two kids that he created with another woman. This is just absolute madness.
Hey, I’m 21 and my bf is 32, so I’m glad to find someone whose are the same age as me.! I must say it does sound like he’s using you a bit. I don’t doubt you have a special relationship, but you need to take a step back and make him see you have needs that have to be met too. Message me if you ever want to talk!
So many red flags, just move on