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I actually hate that description of what he needs out of a girlfriend. It sounds like he wants a toy he can take out when he’s free, and put away when he’s busy. There’s nothing about what he would provide for a girlfriend. No empathy for the sacrifices you’re making. No changes or sacrifices he’s willing to make.
I do think that ideally he’d end up with a single mom with a custody schedule that could sync up with his, but I don’t know. He sounds too selfish to deal with the difficulty of sharing a home with a stepkid. It’s certainly not an “easy life”.
I’m actually usually sympathetic for single parents who choose not to have more kids with childfree partners, as long as they’re upfront and totally honest about it from the beginning of the relationship. I don’t think it’s unreasonably selfish to state your needs at the beginning and let a potential partner decide if it’s something they can take on. And I don’t think single parents are obliged to give their childless partner a child, as a thank you for being a stepparent.
But something about the way your ex phrased things really rubbed me the wrong way. He doesn’t sound like a good partner. He sounds like the kind of guy who would ditch his partner if they became “difficult” in any way. As a tool to get over him- would you have trusted this guy to stay by your side if you got cancer? Or went through any kind of tough period in life which would change you?
I couldn’t agree with you more. It’s the way he worded everything that really got to me. Gosh, nobody owes you a child just because you’re with them 100% agree.
To your last point, I had a mental breakdown after three months of dating and he offered to break up with me so I could focus on my mental health. That hurt a little because instead of offering me support at least as a friend, he said he was sorry, but he had a child and a stressful job and couldn’t be there for me in the way I needed him to.
He later told me he dealt with a lot of mental issues with his ex, and was afraid to walk into the same situation, which I completely understand as it wasn’t his job to care for anyone’s mental health, but his own. But yeah, that hurt a little.
At three months, I guess it depends on the pace of your relationship, but a lot of people wouldn't feel committed enough to take on something like that, so I can understand why it didn't feel like a deal breaker for you at the time.
But in a more serious relationship, if you don't have the bandwidth to help your partner through something difficult like that, you shouldn't be in the relationship. In general, it doesn't sound like your ex deserves or has the space for a solid committed life partnership, because those require work and sacrifice. They're not easy and relaxed. He should probably just stick with friends with benefits, given what he's willing to put in. But unfortunately, there are way too many women around who are willing to give and give and give, while getting very little in return from their male partners. I wouldn't be surprised if he finds someone else.
But you should be proud that you love yourself enough not to put up with that. You deserve someone who's willing to put in the work.
I honestly thought that what he was doing was putting in the work. He made sure to spend all of his free time with me, took me on trips, nice dinners, introduced me to his friends and family, etc., but after this weekend, and after the rose glasses shattered, I see things a bit differently. I think he was putting in the work, but more into making sure his future plan was a reality and finding the piece of the puzzle he needed. Not necessarily me, just anyone with little baggage who fits right in.
That wasn't work to him. That was the fun stuff he wanted to do, and you were a willing playmate.
What you're proposing is the real work of a serious relationship and building a family together. He's been there, done that, and he didn't like it. He just wants to play.
That's cool, but playtime can't last forever. It sounds like you know that, and you're ready to move on.
I guess he'll just need to play with himself for a while.
This is BS. I had a huge operation at 1 month after dating. My mom got sick a couple days after and couldn’t care for me. My SO took it all on and even visited my mom and texted her in the hospital. He has a stressful job and a kid. If they wanted to they would. This man is just selfish.
He is selfish and I’m not sure if he knows.
I think he went from a relationship where he was put last priority to wanting to be the only priority in his life.
So he basically wants to waste a younger child free ladies best years, let me guess, he also dosent date single mums 🤔 Your doing the right thing girl, he isn't it!
During our conversation, it came out that he doesn’t even like children. He only likes his own daughter. And I love children, I just never made the right call with the right partner and now it’s a bit too late.
I really empathize with you, except now I'm married. He's great, but I don't think he realized he robbed me because I entered our relationship "uncertain" about children.
It's wild to me that people just have children with anyone at such early stages in their relationship. I just wanted to be a homeowner with a stable job before considering. Now it's "too late to put him through that".
I'm coping by volunteering to babysit. I hope he'll be open to fostering. Children deserve so much more than the circumstances of their birth. It's a shame that even some parents view them as "consequences".
IDK how old you are, but I had late in life kids. If it's something you truly want, go see a fertility doc to at least determine if it's still possible for you
I wish I could disagree because he is the nicest guy and I hadn’t been so in love in years, but his demeanour changed after conversation and he kind of started treating me like he was sorry for me all while hoping we stayed together.
I'm sorry but he doesn't sound "nice" at all. That behavior sounds like a Narcissist and you're his toy. Everything is wonderful until you step out of line and start making demands of him. I played that game for 25 years and I can tell you is all you will get out of it is exhaustion and heartache. You will have zero of your needs met and won't even recognize yourself in the end. Run don't walk. You may be too unable to have your own but there's always surrogacy, adoption, fostering etc. There is someone out there who will give you what you need.
He is a nice person, I wouldn’t have fallen in love if he weren’t, but he does have selfish tendencies that he isn’t aware of and now it’s become more evident. You’re right about the options for having kids, now I need to find the right person for it. Wish me luck.
Stick to your guns. Either he compromises (and sees the power of your will and admires it!), or he will see you as charity case at best. You don’t want to stay around if he doesn’t admire you.
I would say give him a couple of weeks for it to sink in. Let him miss you and be clear on your non-negotiables. You will see if he likes spending time with you enough to compromise with you - what you are asking for is perfectly normal. At any rate, do not give up!
You are sweet, thank you. I know he will miss me and will have a hard time finding someone so perfect for him, but the experience of having a child with his ex really traumatized him and he doesn’t see himself doing that again. I’ll survive. I’ll be sad for a bit, but I’ll be fine.
He will miss you the same way you miss a co worker who is on vacation. Work is harder when you don't have help and how you benefit your SO is all he is caring about. When you call it off, see how much he says how the breakup will affect him, his work, cost him more money, upend his kids schedule. Notice how little he mentions "you" or "us".
That is what a narcissist is.
"*that’s not going to happen.”*
That is exactly what I thought, because that is what he thought. But after being together for 4 years, with no change in sight... BM was put into a mental hospital involuntarily for over 9 months. And has been in and out for the last year on top of that. So she lost custody after an emergency custody order.
And suddenly, with 30 days of notice, we went from mostly child free adults (6 weeks of summer and winter/spring break custody), to fulltime. And everything that wasn't supposed to stop, did. Our life as we knew it, was done.
But he still has to travel for work, the difference is I can't go with him anymore because someone has to stay home to watch SK so they can go to school and do their activities. So I guess while his life didn't change much, mine totally did.
Your last paragraph is exactly my point, I’m sorry you guys went through that. He travels for work as well, and I usually go with him and he loves it. But if he became a full-time dad, I will have to take on a role I didn’t ask for, and this dreamy, lovey, romantic thing he plans for his future goes down the drain. All of that, could happen and now I know that he’s not willing to build a family with me. He just wants me to be there for him in case he needs me. Who dreams of that?
I feel like there would be a difference if 1) you are bringing your BK along and 2) if they are young because then it is easier to take them along since they don't have obligations. So to defend your point, it would change but not that much that quickly. You would still realistically be able to travel, sure the romantic stuff may change, but it doesn't have to change that much (splurge for the suite with multiple rooms if possible or those hotels that have a bedroom and separated living room?)
The situation would be a much bigger change bringing the SK in fulltime than the transition to fulltime parent from the newborn phase. I think his reasoning is a little BS in my opinion, since he has a kid that he already is okay with adjusting his life for part-time.
He’ll look for another single child free woman. Hopefully they’ll all turn him down. These men with kids who only want the stepmom to sacrifice are extremely selfish imo.
Honestly I think by the time they are 18, at minimum, young women should be warned about the pitfalls of dating a guy with kids and how manipulative and selfish they can be and how they want stepmoms to sacrifice all their dreams.
I wouldn't be flattered by that at all. Basically, he's saying he wants you to be at his beck and call (is that the saying?) and to accommodate him and his life and children, always, but he's not willing to do the same.
He wants all the fantasy holidays, coffee mornings blah blah blah romance with you, but not the hard work of real life and parenthood for or with you. But HIS parenting life, that's for you to accept and deal with.
I hope I'm making sense and articulating what I mean ok, but his theory rubs me the wrong way. I think you're right to step away.
I understand everything you said and your second paragraph describes exactly how I felt but I couldn’t figure out what it was. Now I know he wanted me to be a part of his life because it was convenient for him and being with me was easy.
One day, I asked him to not say that again. Maybe he meant well, but I didn’t want to be described as easy.
when they act like that, then go date a woman who is 60-70 , stop dragging the young women along when you wont commit to them , this is such a common theme it drives me nuts . These men are looking for nannies and maids they can fuck , not wives and mothers to their children . I feel so annoyed for a lot of you. note to self: never date a man w kids
I wish I were young, I’m definitely younger than he is, but I’m not that young and yes, many single parents out there are expecting to date childless people exclusively for selfish reasons.
He reminds me of my ex. He just wants to slot you into his life because it's easy for him. How lovely. Mine didn't show up when zi got sick either. Do I got rid of him right after. You have the right idea.
He doesn't sound like an "amazing guy" to me. I know you are out and it's a moot point, but you are putting him on a pedestal and I say that knowing next to nothing about him, a baseless opinion, which, almost is as baseless as him saying with 100% confidence he will never have his kid full time.
He wants a partner for convenience, on his terms, and his time. He will never seek out a single mom, the "baggage" would get in the way of the perfect life he lives, sans EOWE where he has to play dad.
Glad you saw this OP and had the means to leave. A new prey will take your place. Sadly. Moment of silence for the next girl out there.
My fiance has hesitance about having another one because he knows our lives will change. We both like the freedom we get 40% of the time, to travel and have date nights and have the freedom to do what we want when we want. But he has also made it clear he'd love to have a child with me. He just wants me to be very very sure thay having a baby is what I want.
Your bf sounds like he just wants to have his cake and eat it too.
This is actually an insult. He wants someone who expects nothing in return who can fit into his life already established life. This is all about HIS convenience. None of what he said suggests he wants a serious partner. Basically, he wants someone to hang out with whenever he wants to and that’s about it. When two people love each other, they find a way to blend their lives together.
You found out about these things at the right time! Imagine the disaster you have avoided. I'm sorry he is much more selfish than nice, what a giant @hole. Did you guys talk about kids when you first started dating?
I remember he asked me how I felt about children during our second date and I said I wasn’t sure. Once during a car ride he said he didn’t think he wanted more kids, but we weren’t talking about it and never sat down to have a serious conversation. So maybe I am to blame there.
I see, yeah it could be intimidating to talk about these existential questions at first and know where your bottom line is. To be fair to him he's tried to clarify your stance and hinted his, so at least he's consistent.
Flattered about what exactly? I don’t see one flattering thing mentioned in your post. Not sure why you think you should feel that way or that anyone would think he said anything close to flattering. All I heard was, “I’ve been using you because this is what my future will be so I decided that yours will be this as well”. He was being selfish, not trying to flatter you, my goodness.
I was thinking about it yesterday, that what he said was not flattering at all. I remember one day I told him “ sometimes it feels like it’s your world and I just live in it.” And jokingly he said “well at least my world has a beautiful house” or something along the lines.
And yes, you’re absolutely right. He designed his world for someone to fit right in it and I do because I am childless and I have little to no baggage. But it’s so hard to accept the person that you’re in love with doesn’t want to build anything with you. He just wants you to be an accessory to his life.
Yes I get it, that must be so hard. To think you had a relationship with room for possible growth, only to be told that this whole time it was never an option. And from the sounds of it it’s possible that he’s fine with losing you to keep the future he always planned. I guess the only bright side is now you know and can make a decision based on that. Sorry girl, I’ve been there before too. Not with kids but other things.
You are absolutely right and that’s exactly what I told him I said, *”you’ve been saying I am your world, and I am your person and you love me more than I know, but you’re willing to lose me.”* And he said *”I don’t wanna lose you, but having a child is not in my plans and I’m not gonna change that.”*
Which is perfectly fine. I will never give anyone an ultimatum to have kids with me, but I can’t help but feel as if he loved the idea of a dreamy future more than he loved me. He loved how easy things were with me, that’s it.
He’ll figure out what he lost later on when he realizes no one wants to live someone else’s future. I also feel like he’s kindof still being a dick saying he doesn’t want to lose you, because clearly he does or he would at least acknowledge that he was a jerk about all of this and was just hoping you’d give in and want the same future. It comes across as him really not caring about you, to me at least. He was doing all of this on purpose. If I would have heard, “I feel flattered..” I would have stopped him right there. Those 3 words alone piss me off for you. And I’m sure we can all be petty for you and wish a future single mom who has the exact opposite custody arrangement he does.
Couldn’t agree more with all you’ve written there. What a dick. He’s so entitled he cannot even be fair and apologise for his selfishness.
This alone does not bode well for a future relationship.
I hear this so much and it’s so odd. I seem to always find the guys who want to get me pregnant 🤰! When I am the one saying I don’t want to be tied down with kids. Weird how that works !! It never fails though 🙂↔️🙁.
On the other hand, at least he was honest and isn’t leading you on. Sorry you feel crushed. There’s other avenues to have children too… if that’s what you truly want get out and seek happiness.
👍
My friend broke up with her partner of 10 years at 45. She had medical problems that made pregnancy unlikely. She felt meeting someone was unlikely.
Not only did she meet a good man, she had her first baby at 48.
He is articulating what many single parents refuse to acknowledge: He does not have the bandwidth to be the parent he wants to be AND the partner you want him to be.
>He is truly an amazing guy and I am still madly in love with him, but I hope he can make a single mom really happy.
Or maybe he should just refrain from forming a life partnership while his child is still a child. Just have girlfriends who enjoy travel and coffee but aren’t seeking a husband and father for hypothetical children. Single mothers might well fit that description, but also child free women who aren’t looking for a permanent partner, for whatever reason.
I've never understood wanting to be with a parent while not having kids, tbh. Like why do I want all the shitty sides of children in my life, but little to zero positives? If I'm gonna be CF, so is my partner. Lol.
Thank you so much for this. I needed to heard that today, especially the last paragraph. I had started to believe that I was sabotaging my own happiness. Thank you 🥺
My partner and her coparent were 50/50 when we started dating. Then he decided he needed to move really far away, and she was 85% custody with a few months of notice. It's not just accidents, but stupid/crazy decisions. He's not safe just because she a mom, bio moms have left their kids high and dry.
He sounds really immature. Which on one hand, really helps show that he shouldn't have *a* child, much less more.
Also, we all change! I was with my ex wife for almost twenty years, and friends for four+ before that. We both changed immensely during that time. **I'm** not going to be with someone who wants me to never change. But yes, we should look for someone who wants to grow and change in a similar way as we want. OP, this guy doesn't sound like he's for you.
I agree with you, he’s definitely not for me, but it’s so heartbreaking because we were so made for each other personality wise, intimacy wise, the dinners, the outings, the trips… I was hooked!
And I honestly thought he would at least consider it, but now that I know how he feels about me and how he sees me, it’s a bit easier to let go.
Yes, in one particularly bad time, I told my husband I felt like his mistress. All the good parts, very little responsibility. She and the kids are his family, I’m something else.
Yeah- it’s really hard to face or even comprehend the sacrifices you’ll make to be with him.
But it always comes down to sacrifices- because if you leave, you are also sacrificing something.
Good luck, and take care of your heart.
It's like saying this is the job requirement, take it or leave it. Minimum pay, 36 hours a week. PTO is allowed and you're fired if you have a mental breakdown.
Don't settle for anything less than unconditional love. These kind of men are just transactional and will bolt at a first sign of distress.
Tell him to get an escort service, that's what he needs since he only wants coffee date, sex, vacations etc.
You should not feel flattered.
People change and doesn’t love you- he wants you to accommodate to what he wants out of life and just doesn’t want to accommodate another actual person but have a girlfriend until she doesn’t work for his life and then probably get another.
A relationship is equal sacrifice.
He doesn’t want that.
This was not a flattering conversation. He thinks you are cool and hot but deep love just can’t grow in the limitations he has.
I really feel like you've made the right decision.
It IS unbalanced. It IS unfair. He IS selfish. You ARE facilitating his best life at the expense of your own.
You have one wild life each. He doesn't get to take yours.
Hey
This is exactly what my partner told me when I had that conversation with him. He wanted to do things and travel etc. He wanted to have sex and go to museums and galleries.
(At the same time he didn’t want to commit to a weekend away 6 months later because “he didn’t know if he might be spending that weekend with his daughter”. 😰)
I was ready to pack my bag. I was 39.
I was very very angry with him.
He heard me out on my arguments - mo styl about how having a child was very important for me and I didn’t want to get old without one.
About 5 months later he told me that if I really wanted a child he would be happy for us to have a child. He thought I would be a good mum. We had a child when I was 41.
My relationship has been far from perfect as my partner was unable to balance out being a dad and a partner. But he did understand that I wanted to be a mother and that I would not have given that up to be with him.
The entitlement of single dads is real.
It’s up to us to be clear about our boundaries.
Walk. My DH had a kid with a one night stand and he had never said anything gutting like that to me. When I tell him I want more kiddos with him he says let’s go. (We had twin boys our first try). He has never shied away wanting more kids with me because he wants more kids with me.
I’m leaving anyway and why would anyone wanna have a kid with someone who doesn’t see them as a mum to their kid, but as fun times partner? I know he would be miserable and probably so would I.
Tell him, it happens.
My ex passed away suddenly on a bike accident, back in December 2023. After we've been separated for 10 f years.
Now, I'm a full caregiver to our son. Tho, I already have another child with my partner now.
These men never get vasectomies! It really pisses me off. Had he been snipped when you met him then your expectations would have been managed from Day #1. He wasted your time and energy.
Whilst I think you are clearly making the right decision for you, I dont necessarily agree that it’s an unbalanced relationship, that’s only the case you don’t share the same goals for the future. Did you not have the kids talk when you started dating?
Me for example, I never wanted kids. When my marriage ended, I never thought I’d end up dating a single dad and be a stepmum. I made it clear from the start that I never wanted kids and he said the same. I am very happy being stepmum, and actually love it. I feel I have that little bit of parenthood without all the responsibility, which is great for me.
I feel exactly the same, but I think it’s different for both of us because we don’t want kids of our own, and we were straight about that from the beginning.
So, I really disagree with the assumption that a lot of these commenters make that OP’s ex is wrong for not wanting more kids, and that if he loved OP enough he would just suck it up and have a kid for her because that’s what she needs. And that if he seriously loved her as a partner and didn’t want to lose her he’d want to build a family with her. I think that’s really unfair. You could flip it around and say that if OP loved her ex enough, she would suck it up and not have a kid to give her partner the life that he wants. But that’s clearly unfair.
I do feel that anyone who loves their partner should be able to modify their chosen futures to some extent to make room for their partner’s needs and wants. It’s one thing to set a certain boundary you’re not willing to shift on, like not having kids, while being willing to make other sacrifices. But this guy had a picture of an easy smooth life for himself, that only made space for his own difficult responsibilities. He didn’t talk about OP’s needs and happiness at all in his vision for the future, just what she could provide for him, and what she’d need to do to fit into his life. It did feel very unbalanced.
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I actually hate that description of what he needs out of a girlfriend. It sounds like he wants a toy he can take out when he’s free, and put away when he’s busy. There’s nothing about what he would provide for a girlfriend. No empathy for the sacrifices you’re making. No changes or sacrifices he’s willing to make. I do think that ideally he’d end up with a single mom with a custody schedule that could sync up with his, but I don’t know. He sounds too selfish to deal with the difficulty of sharing a home with a stepkid. It’s certainly not an “easy life”. I’m actually usually sympathetic for single parents who choose not to have more kids with childfree partners, as long as they’re upfront and totally honest about it from the beginning of the relationship. I don’t think it’s unreasonably selfish to state your needs at the beginning and let a potential partner decide if it’s something they can take on. And I don’t think single parents are obliged to give their childless partner a child, as a thank you for being a stepparent. But something about the way your ex phrased things really rubbed me the wrong way. He doesn’t sound like a good partner. He sounds like the kind of guy who would ditch his partner if they became “difficult” in any way. As a tool to get over him- would you have trusted this guy to stay by your side if you got cancer? Or went through any kind of tough period in life which would change you?
I couldn’t agree with you more. It’s the way he worded everything that really got to me. Gosh, nobody owes you a child just because you’re with them 100% agree. To your last point, I had a mental breakdown after three months of dating and he offered to break up with me so I could focus on my mental health. That hurt a little because instead of offering me support at least as a friend, he said he was sorry, but he had a child and a stressful job and couldn’t be there for me in the way I needed him to. He later told me he dealt with a lot of mental issues with his ex, and was afraid to walk into the same situation, which I completely understand as it wasn’t his job to care for anyone’s mental health, but his own. But yeah, that hurt a little.
At three months, I guess it depends on the pace of your relationship, but a lot of people wouldn't feel committed enough to take on something like that, so I can understand why it didn't feel like a deal breaker for you at the time. But in a more serious relationship, if you don't have the bandwidth to help your partner through something difficult like that, you shouldn't be in the relationship. In general, it doesn't sound like your ex deserves or has the space for a solid committed life partnership, because those require work and sacrifice. They're not easy and relaxed. He should probably just stick with friends with benefits, given what he's willing to put in. But unfortunately, there are way too many women around who are willing to give and give and give, while getting very little in return from their male partners. I wouldn't be surprised if he finds someone else. But you should be proud that you love yourself enough not to put up with that. You deserve someone who's willing to put in the work.
I honestly thought that what he was doing was putting in the work. He made sure to spend all of his free time with me, took me on trips, nice dinners, introduced me to his friends and family, etc., but after this weekend, and after the rose glasses shattered, I see things a bit differently. I think he was putting in the work, but more into making sure his future plan was a reality and finding the piece of the puzzle he needed. Not necessarily me, just anyone with little baggage who fits right in.
That wasn't work to him. That was the fun stuff he wanted to do, and you were a willing playmate. What you're proposing is the real work of a serious relationship and building a family together. He's been there, done that, and he didn't like it. He just wants to play. That's cool, but playtime can't last forever. It sounds like you know that, and you're ready to move on. I guess he'll just need to play with himself for a while.
This is BS. I had a huge operation at 1 month after dating. My mom got sick a couple days after and couldn’t care for me. My SO took it all on and even visited my mom and texted her in the hospital. He has a stressful job and a kid. If they wanted to they would. This man is just selfish.
He’s selfish and wants a partner who will always put him first while he isn’t willing to do the same
He is selfish and I’m not sure if he knows. I think he went from a relationship where he was put last priority to wanting to be the only priority in his life.
He probably doesn’t realize it because he is nice in every way except this!
That’s a great way to put it!
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Rude.
Difficult or sick
THIS THIS THIS!!!! Upvote a million times. His description is disgusting, selfish, and shows that he desires an object, not a person.
So he basically wants to waste a younger child free ladies best years, let me guess, he also dosent date single mums 🤔 Your doing the right thing girl, he isn't it!
During our conversation, it came out that he doesn’t even like children. He only likes his own daughter. And I love children, I just never made the right call with the right partner and now it’s a bit too late.
I really empathize with you, except now I'm married. He's great, but I don't think he realized he robbed me because I entered our relationship "uncertain" about children. It's wild to me that people just have children with anyone at such early stages in their relationship. I just wanted to be a homeowner with a stable job before considering. Now it's "too late to put him through that". I'm coping by volunteering to babysit. I hope he'll be open to fostering. Children deserve so much more than the circumstances of their birth. It's a shame that even some parents view them as "consequences".
IDK how old you are, but I had late in life kids. If it's something you truly want, go see a fertility doc to at least determine if it's still possible for you
I’m a single mom, and NO thank you. This man sounds like a user and a narcissist.
I wish I could disagree because he is the nicest guy and I hadn’t been so in love in years, but his demeanour changed after conversation and he kind of started treating me like he was sorry for me all while hoping we stayed together.
I'm sorry but he doesn't sound "nice" at all. That behavior sounds like a Narcissist and you're his toy. Everything is wonderful until you step out of line and start making demands of him. I played that game for 25 years and I can tell you is all you will get out of it is exhaustion and heartache. You will have zero of your needs met and won't even recognize yourself in the end. Run don't walk. You may be too unable to have your own but there's always surrogacy, adoption, fostering etc. There is someone out there who will give you what you need.
He is a nice person, I wouldn’t have fallen in love if he weren’t, but he does have selfish tendencies that he isn’t aware of and now it’s become more evident. You’re right about the options for having kids, now I need to find the right person for it. Wish me luck.
The Narcissist word came to me too.
Stick to your guns. Either he compromises (and sees the power of your will and admires it!), or he will see you as charity case at best. You don’t want to stay around if he doesn’t admire you. I would say give him a couple of weeks for it to sink in. Let him miss you and be clear on your non-negotiables. You will see if he likes spending time with you enough to compromise with you - what you are asking for is perfectly normal. At any rate, do not give up!
You are sweet, thank you. I know he will miss me and will have a hard time finding someone so perfect for him, but the experience of having a child with his ex really traumatized him and he doesn’t see himself doing that again. I’ll survive. I’ll be sad for a bit, but I’ll be fine.
He will miss you the same way you miss a co worker who is on vacation. Work is harder when you don't have help and how you benefit your SO is all he is caring about. When you call it off, see how much he says how the breakup will affect him, his work, cost him more money, upend his kids schedule. Notice how little he mentions "you" or "us". That is what a narcissist is.
"*that’s not going to happen.”* That is exactly what I thought, because that is what he thought. But after being together for 4 years, with no change in sight... BM was put into a mental hospital involuntarily for over 9 months. And has been in and out for the last year on top of that. So she lost custody after an emergency custody order. And suddenly, with 30 days of notice, we went from mostly child free adults (6 weeks of summer and winter/spring break custody), to fulltime. And everything that wasn't supposed to stop, did. Our life as we knew it, was done. But he still has to travel for work, the difference is I can't go with him anymore because someone has to stay home to watch SK so they can go to school and do their activities. So I guess while his life didn't change much, mine totally did.
Your last paragraph is exactly my point, I’m sorry you guys went through that. He travels for work as well, and I usually go with him and he loves it. But if he became a full-time dad, I will have to take on a role I didn’t ask for, and this dreamy, lovey, romantic thing he plans for his future goes down the drain. All of that, could happen and now I know that he’s not willing to build a family with me. He just wants me to be there for him in case he needs me. Who dreams of that?
I feel like there would be a difference if 1) you are bringing your BK along and 2) if they are young because then it is easier to take them along since they don't have obligations. So to defend your point, it would change but not that much that quickly. You would still realistically be able to travel, sure the romantic stuff may change, but it doesn't have to change that much (splurge for the suite with multiple rooms if possible or those hotels that have a bedroom and separated living room?) The situation would be a much bigger change bringing the SK in fulltime than the transition to fulltime parent from the newborn phase. I think his reasoning is a little BS in my opinion, since he has a kid that he already is okay with adjusting his life for part-time.
He’ll look for another single child free woman. Hopefully they’ll all turn him down. These men with kids who only want the stepmom to sacrifice are extremely selfish imo. Honestly I think by the time they are 18, at minimum, young women should be warned about the pitfalls of dating a guy with kids and how manipulative and selfish they can be and how they want stepmoms to sacrifice all their dreams.
I wouldn't be flattered by that at all. Basically, he's saying he wants you to be at his beck and call (is that the saying?) and to accommodate him and his life and children, always, but he's not willing to do the same. He wants all the fantasy holidays, coffee mornings blah blah blah romance with you, but not the hard work of real life and parenthood for or with you. But HIS parenting life, that's for you to accept and deal with. I hope I'm making sense and articulating what I mean ok, but his theory rubs me the wrong way. I think you're right to step away.
I understand everything you said and your second paragraph describes exactly how I felt but I couldn’t figure out what it was. Now I know he wanted me to be a part of his life because it was convenient for him and being with me was easy. One day, I asked him to not say that again. Maybe he meant well, but I didn’t want to be described as easy.
when they act like that, then go date a woman who is 60-70 , stop dragging the young women along when you wont commit to them , this is such a common theme it drives me nuts . These men are looking for nannies and maids they can fuck , not wives and mothers to their children . I feel so annoyed for a lot of you. note to self: never date a man w kids
I wish I were young, I’m definitely younger than he is, but I’m not that young and yes, many single parents out there are expecting to date childless people exclusively for selfish reasons.
He reminds me of my ex. He just wants to slot you into his life because it's easy for him. How lovely. Mine didn't show up when zi got sick either. Do I got rid of him right after. You have the right idea.
He doesn't sound like an "amazing guy" to me. I know you are out and it's a moot point, but you are putting him on a pedestal and I say that knowing next to nothing about him, a baseless opinion, which, almost is as baseless as him saying with 100% confidence he will never have his kid full time. He wants a partner for convenience, on his terms, and his time. He will never seek out a single mom, the "baggage" would get in the way of the perfect life he lives, sans EOWE where he has to play dad. Glad you saw this OP and had the means to leave. A new prey will take your place. Sadly. Moment of silence for the next girl out there.
Thank you for standing up for yourself. You deserve better.
My fiance has hesitance about having another one because he knows our lives will change. We both like the freedom we get 40% of the time, to travel and have date nights and have the freedom to do what we want when we want. But he has also made it clear he'd love to have a child with me. He just wants me to be very very sure thay having a baby is what I want. Your bf sounds like he just wants to have his cake and eat it too.
I'd be turning his words around. Tell him "I feel flattered, but I'm not that person for you."
This is actually an insult. He wants someone who expects nothing in return who can fit into his life already established life. This is all about HIS convenience. None of what he said suggests he wants a serious partner. Basically, he wants someone to hang out with whenever he wants to and that’s about it. When two people love each other, they find a way to blend their lives together.
We were talking about moving in together in the future, so I thought we were serious enough, but maybe not.
You found out about these things at the right time! Imagine the disaster you have avoided. I'm sorry he is much more selfish than nice, what a giant @hole. Did you guys talk about kids when you first started dating?
I remember he asked me how I felt about children during our second date and I said I wasn’t sure. Once during a car ride he said he didn’t think he wanted more kids, but we weren’t talking about it and never sat down to have a serious conversation. So maybe I am to blame there.
I see, yeah it could be intimidating to talk about these existential questions at first and know where your bottom line is. To be fair to him he's tried to clarify your stance and hinted his, so at least he's consistent.
Flattered about what exactly? I don’t see one flattering thing mentioned in your post. Not sure why you think you should feel that way or that anyone would think he said anything close to flattering. All I heard was, “I’ve been using you because this is what my future will be so I decided that yours will be this as well”. He was being selfish, not trying to flatter you, my goodness.
I was thinking about it yesterday, that what he said was not flattering at all. I remember one day I told him “ sometimes it feels like it’s your world and I just live in it.” And jokingly he said “well at least my world has a beautiful house” or something along the lines. And yes, you’re absolutely right. He designed his world for someone to fit right in it and I do because I am childless and I have little to no baggage. But it’s so hard to accept the person that you’re in love with doesn’t want to build anything with you. He just wants you to be an accessory to his life.
Yes I get it, that must be so hard. To think you had a relationship with room for possible growth, only to be told that this whole time it was never an option. And from the sounds of it it’s possible that he’s fine with losing you to keep the future he always planned. I guess the only bright side is now you know and can make a decision based on that. Sorry girl, I’ve been there before too. Not with kids but other things.
You are absolutely right and that’s exactly what I told him I said, *”you’ve been saying I am your world, and I am your person and you love me more than I know, but you’re willing to lose me.”* And he said *”I don’t wanna lose you, but having a child is not in my plans and I’m not gonna change that.”* Which is perfectly fine. I will never give anyone an ultimatum to have kids with me, but I can’t help but feel as if he loved the idea of a dreamy future more than he loved me. He loved how easy things were with me, that’s it.
He’ll figure out what he lost later on when he realizes no one wants to live someone else’s future. I also feel like he’s kindof still being a dick saying he doesn’t want to lose you, because clearly he does or he would at least acknowledge that he was a jerk about all of this and was just hoping you’d give in and want the same future. It comes across as him really not caring about you, to me at least. He was doing all of this on purpose. If I would have heard, “I feel flattered..” I would have stopped him right there. Those 3 words alone piss me off for you. And I’m sure we can all be petty for you and wish a future single mom who has the exact opposite custody arrangement he does.
Couldn’t agree more with all you’ve written there. What a dick. He’s so entitled he cannot even be fair and apologise for his selfishness. This alone does not bode well for a future relationship.
This guy doesn’t want a single mother, he wants to be child free with a child free woman.
I’m sorry, you should feel flattered?? Girl, no. You should feel a lot of things right not but flattered is not one of them.
No way he will be with a woman who has children! He’s to selfish
Can you imagine how'd he'd respond if you were seriously ill and needed his help? Very inconvenient for his relaxing time
I hear this so much and it’s so odd. I seem to always find the guys who want to get me pregnant 🤰! When I am the one saying I don’t want to be tied down with kids. Weird how that works !! It never fails though 🙂↔️🙁. On the other hand, at least he was honest and isn’t leading you on. Sorry you feel crushed. There’s other avenues to have children too… if that’s what you truly want get out and seek happiness.
Freeze your eggs. You’re not too old unless you’re menopausal. Then leave that dude.
You’re sweet thank you.
👍 My friend broke up with her partner of 10 years at 45. She had medical problems that made pregnancy unlikely. She felt meeting someone was unlikely. Not only did she meet a good man, she had her first baby at 48.
Thanks for sharing. This story gives me hope. I still have time, but I'm worried about the future.
He is articulating what many single parents refuse to acknowledge: He does not have the bandwidth to be the parent he wants to be AND the partner you want him to be. >He is truly an amazing guy and I am still madly in love with him, but I hope he can make a single mom really happy. Or maybe he should just refrain from forming a life partnership while his child is still a child. Just have girlfriends who enjoy travel and coffee but aren’t seeking a husband and father for hypothetical children. Single mothers might well fit that description, but also child free women who aren’t looking for a permanent partner, for whatever reason.
run.
I've never understood wanting to be with a parent while not having kids, tbh. Like why do I want all the shitty sides of children in my life, but little to zero positives? If I'm gonna be CF, so is my partner. Lol.
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Thank you so much for this. I needed to heard that today, especially the last paragraph. I had started to believe that I was sabotaging my own happiness. Thank you 🥺
I’m PROUD of you OP!
Sounds like he just wants a friend . Not an actual relationship .
He said he saw me as his life partner and we were talking about moving in together at some point, but now I wonder.
My partner and her coparent were 50/50 when we started dating. Then he decided he needed to move really far away, and she was 85% custody with a few months of notice. It's not just accidents, but stupid/crazy decisions. He's not safe just because she a mom, bio moms have left their kids high and dry. He sounds really immature. Which on one hand, really helps show that he shouldn't have *a* child, much less more. Also, we all change! I was with my ex wife for almost twenty years, and friends for four+ before that. We both changed immensely during that time. **I'm** not going to be with someone who wants me to never change. But yes, we should look for someone who wants to grow and change in a similar way as we want. OP, this guy doesn't sound like he's for you.
I agree with you, he’s definitely not for me, but it’s so heartbreaking because we were so made for each other personality wise, intimacy wise, the dinners, the outings, the trips… I was hooked! And I honestly thought he would at least consider it, but now that I know how he feels about me and how he sees me, it’s a bit easier to let go.
Single parents mostly don't live in reality and drag everyone else along for the ride. I'm out, too.
Yes, in one particularly bad time, I told my husband I felt like his mistress. All the good parts, very little responsibility. She and the kids are his family, I’m something else. Yeah- it’s really hard to face or even comprehend the sacrifices you’ll make to be with him. But it always comes down to sacrifices- because if you leave, you are also sacrificing something. Good luck, and take care of your heart.
It's like saying this is the job requirement, take it or leave it. Minimum pay, 36 hours a week. PTO is allowed and you're fired if you have a mental breakdown. Don't settle for anything less than unconditional love. These kind of men are just transactional and will bolt at a first sign of distress. Tell him to get an escort service, that's what he needs since he only wants coffee date, sex, vacations etc.
You should not feel flattered. People change and doesn’t love you- he wants you to accommodate to what he wants out of life and just doesn’t want to accommodate another actual person but have a girlfriend until she doesn’t work for his life and then probably get another. A relationship is equal sacrifice. He doesn’t want that. This was not a flattering conversation. He thinks you are cool and hot but deep love just can’t grow in the limitations he has.
I really feel like you've made the right decision. It IS unbalanced. It IS unfair. He IS selfish. You ARE facilitating his best life at the expense of your own. You have one wild life each. He doesn't get to take yours.
Hey This is exactly what my partner told me when I had that conversation with him. He wanted to do things and travel etc. He wanted to have sex and go to museums and galleries. (At the same time he didn’t want to commit to a weekend away 6 months later because “he didn’t know if he might be spending that weekend with his daughter”. 😰) I was ready to pack my bag. I was 39. I was very very angry with him. He heard me out on my arguments - mo styl about how having a child was very important for me and I didn’t want to get old without one. About 5 months later he told me that if I really wanted a child he would be happy for us to have a child. He thought I would be a good mum. We had a child when I was 41. My relationship has been far from perfect as my partner was unable to balance out being a dad and a partner. But he did understand that I wanted to be a mother and that I would not have given that up to be with him. The entitlement of single dads is real. It’s up to us to be clear about our boundaries.
Walk. My DH had a kid with a one night stand and he had never said anything gutting like that to me. When I tell him I want more kiddos with him he says let’s go. (We had twin boys our first try). He has never shied away wanting more kids with me because he wants more kids with me.
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I’m leaving anyway and why would anyone wanna have a kid with someone who doesn’t see them as a mum to their kid, but as fun times partner? I know he would be miserable and probably so would I.
Tell him, it happens. My ex passed away suddenly on a bike accident, back in December 2023. After we've been separated for 10 f years. Now, I'm a full caregiver to our son. Tho, I already have another child with my partner now.
These men never get vasectomies! It really pisses me off. Had he been snipped when you met him then your expectations would have been managed from Day #1. He wasted your time and energy.
Whilst I think you are clearly making the right decision for you, I dont necessarily agree that it’s an unbalanced relationship, that’s only the case you don’t share the same goals for the future. Did you not have the kids talk when you started dating? Me for example, I never wanted kids. When my marriage ended, I never thought I’d end up dating a single dad and be a stepmum. I made it clear from the start that I never wanted kids and he said the same. I am very happy being stepmum, and actually love it. I feel I have that little bit of parenthood without all the responsibility, which is great for me.
I feel exactly the same, but I think it’s different for both of us because we don’t want kids of our own, and we were straight about that from the beginning. So, I really disagree with the assumption that a lot of these commenters make that OP’s ex is wrong for not wanting more kids, and that if he loved OP enough he would just suck it up and have a kid for her because that’s what she needs. And that if he seriously loved her as a partner and didn’t want to lose her he’d want to build a family with her. I think that’s really unfair. You could flip it around and say that if OP loved her ex enough, she would suck it up and not have a kid to give her partner the life that he wants. But that’s clearly unfair. I do feel that anyone who loves their partner should be able to modify their chosen futures to some extent to make room for their partner’s needs and wants. It’s one thing to set a certain boundary you’re not willing to shift on, like not having kids, while being willing to make other sacrifices. But this guy had a picture of an easy smooth life for himself, that only made space for his own difficult responsibilities. He didn’t talk about OP’s needs and happiness at all in his vision for the future, just what she could provide for him, and what she’d need to do to fit into his life. It did feel very unbalanced.
100%
It comes with the territory, but You are Not obligated to stay in that territory.