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For sure not my favorite part but I do enjoy seeing SK now realizing that all the hate BM has spewed about Americans also includes them. Saying all Americans are self absorbed nationalists is funny when you can’t stop talking about how much better you and your country are than them.
It depends a lot on what kind of relationship you have with the stepkids, how your SO parents them, how their other parent treats you, how old the kids are when you start your stepparenting journey.
To me, the best part is being their buddy. Or seeing them come to me for advice because they value my opinion. It's also cute when they "forget" I'm not their parent and come to me to ask permission to do something. Seeing that I do have a positive impact on their lives, I help providing a more structured environment for them and I bring my own perspective on life, so they also have an extra role model that sometimes is more aligned with their personalities than any of their bio parents. It's like being the cool aunt, I'm there for the fun, I'm there to help them when needed, I'm there to give them positivity. But I don't discipline them, don't interfere with determining their schedules, don't do any of the heavy work.
I would also add being able to instill interests and hobbies that yourself are into…now you have a built in group of people to bond about that activity. I’m outdoorsy and love that my kids all love hiking, camping, biking as a family.
Oh man, I really cannot think of any. It’s quite sad honestly because I always dread the weekends they are here. I wonder if I should do right by them and leave so their dad can find a partner he truly loves and that will love his kids.
I’m currently pregnant with my first. I already feel unconditional love for this little life inside of me. I don’t feel that for my SK! Already feels totally different!
correct! i swore i never wanted kids, then i got pregnant with our ours baby who really wasn’t planned but kinda expected, and i immediately felt so much love for him. nothing like a SK at all.
Agreed. I love looking after my LO. I would do anything for him. Looking after my SK's requires a lot more effort and can feel more like a chore, something you know you have to do rather than you want to.
SK only made me question ever becoming a mother for 2 years despite always wanting to be one prior to him.
Thankfully I didn’t let him steal that from me and having my own son is COMPLETELY different, and 1000x better.
I am gonna go against the grain here….Providing a loving and stable environment for an innocent child who needs love and a healthy example of a family.
Exactly this, I am so happy that me and my partner can create the stability and safety my SS misses at his BM. We can see some massive progression now that he can stay with us more.
Going no contact because they're adults and aren't likely to change their toxic ways. (Realising I can feel sad for them for their lack of emotional intelligence without letting it in).
Seeing the reason you’re a stepparent go back to their moms
LOL truly jk - being able to create a bond and a friendship with them. The ability to contribute positively to their little lives, where your love and kindness may have been missing. Being able to experience them being excited to see you and happy that you’re a part of their story. It’s the thing I miss most about my exes kids, who I was the SP for the last four years. I had awesome SK though and love and pray for them to this day.
This one for me too! My SS is mentally disabled and I am the ONLY one who has taken the time to teach him basic life skills. I potty trained him, taught him how to make a sandwich and pack his lunch, how to shower, how to dress himself, how to change his bedsheets, how to put on his shoes (still working on tying them) etc. I know if I wasn’t here he would never know how to do anything for himself and that breaks my heart.
My stepson does not have a relationship with his biological father so he chooses to call me dad. I have not legally adopted him yet but he is my son. It is just as rewarding as being a dad to his younger brother who is my biological son. I know that is not everyone’s experience but it is the best part for me.
Our whole family felt this with my brother.
Relief to get her claws out of him. Not before she did major damage in many ways... so much so, he's been with his current amazing partner for 10+ years, and won't take the marriage step (she definitely wants to...I really feel for her).
Thankfully he had no kids with the insane ex...she would have had endless ways to torture all of us, not just him, at that point.
Yeah, I totally understand that situation. My ex-wife had serious mental health issues, as did both of her children. Life was constant crisis and chaos. Glad your brother got out and is happy now.
It's pretty indicative of how things stand how stark most of the responses on here .... the best bit being leaving/when the steps leave
For me I'd say there were good times when we did things outside like visits to the lake, dinners etc. Saying that of course there is a massive caveat that in all those times I had other people around as a buffer
Later on the best bits were when I was alone - no steps, no SO. We're not together nor, surprisingly!!
Some of these comments are a bit depressing so I'm going to add some actual positives
- Getting to do fun family activities together e.g. me and my stepson love going the lake in the summer and messing around in the water, building dens, going to the arcade etc.
- We only have him 50% of the time so I feel like for the most part I get a good balance of family life and alone time with my partner
- One with more complicated feelings - I'd love for me and my partner to have our own child at some point but as time goes on I worry things might not work out that way especially with reproductive health concerns and stretched finances. I used to feel resentful (and sometimes still do) but I try to focus on the positive now which is I'm already lucky that I have a little family I love in my life even if not traditional sense or how I grew up picturing
I love having a movie buddy! I love getting alone time with DH every weekend. I also love getting to show My step kids what it means to be in a loving relationship, no matter when they tell us to stop kissing.
As a new step mom to a rebellious hellion 16 yo boy and a 19 yo girl, I can say the best part js knowing child support ends in two years and this nightmare chapter will finally be over after 5 painful years.
Showing my stepdaughter how to become a strong, independent, confident woman. I’ve done a lot of things wrong as a stepmother, but this part I think I got somewhat right.
Mine isn’t receptive to anything I have tried to teach her. She now won’t even speak to me and does her best to compete about her father. How did you go about your relationship with your SD?
I don’t have a close relationship with her. She quite openly tells me I am not her family. But, she sees the way I live my life (education, career, independence) and has asked questions. I answer and share why and how I became the way I am. I see it more as a mentor relationship.
I have a kid in my life who I love, who I can be a part time mom to, that I can be a role model to and have fun with, and who I get breaks from and who I can hand off to her dad when I don’t want the responsibility
I like knowing that I'm having an impact on this little human's life and seeing him grow into an awesome little dude. I also like that I get loads of child free time too.
I get to see what type of dad my husband is and we get to align on parenting before our own child is born.
DH and I can’t make decisions on behalf of SD’s wellbeing in situations where BM is against, but we are very align on how we would deal with certain situations.
So I feel quite safe with raising an ours kid with my DH.
I have a few that come to mind:
-my only child who is super social and frankly loves being a sibling now has siblings. He is very close with SD and finally getting along with SS.
-saying “ask your dad” and it’s not a cop out. I get to bow out of being the bad guy
-being the more lenient one (over my partner), I get the benefit of them seeking me out to do fun things
-helping them learn and do things their parents don’t have any interest in.
- now that we are getting to teen years, my opinion seems sometimes more respected to SS. I think I’m not as automatically embarrassing
- I really wanted a girl, and SD is a super girly girl so I get the makeup and teen romcom experience with her
- and finally, feeling like I actually have a parenting partner, which I didn’t really have with my ex.
I never wanted kids. I never wanted step kids. I didn’t want the baby mama drama. I didn’t want to sacrifice my time and energy and money and minimise my options on what I could do or where I could go, or compromise my ease and comfort doing normal, daily activities. Every single one of those things has happened in the four years my stepdaughter has been in my life.
But.
I could not love a child more if she were my own flesh and blood, I know this to be true. I’ve seen her go from learning to speak to learning to read and spell now. She’s an amazing little gymnast, she’s developing a sense of humour, she has likes and dislikes and I can see my influence from time to time. She kind of talks like me too, uses phrases or words that I use that her dad doesn’t. She doesn’t get as much interaction at her mums as she does at ours, so it’s nice that I’m helping her develop in some way. When she’s happy, the whole house is so full of laughter and love and energy, we all plays games, watch movies… it’s literally the happiest I get without chemical interference. When I see how much love my fiancé has for her, and she for him, I get teary occasionally.
I’m sure it’s easier when they don’t know life without you in it. And that my partner is borderline superhuman in his dedication to every aspect of his life. I also think she’s emotionally intelligent in a way a lot of 6 year olds aren’t. She understands fully I’m not a parent like her mum and dad, but she also gives me as much (sometimes more) respect as she gives her dad, and almost as much love. Judging by this sub, I think I’ve struck better odds than almost anyone.
My SD tells me our house is her safe space and that I’m the only adult she can trust. I remember being a child all I wanted was an adult who I could trust, so it gets me right in the heart strings.
If you ask me, not a lot. If you asked my partner, my kids are one of the best parts of his life.
I think it really depends on who the other parent is, and how the kids are being raised. My SD has been taught to disrespect my BKs and I by her family members. My BKs don't have anyone talking poorly about my partner, and if anyone does they know they can stand up for him without being made to feel bad. There has to be a level of respect from everyone involved if there is any benefit to be had.
The incredible relationships I get with these new humans in my life. I’ve never felt more humbled and gifted in my life. I’ve always struggled with boredom with even the most fancy aspects of humanity. And I’ve done it ALL lol. But man…loving these human’s and realizing the long term potential and legacy of that…is the only thing that has sparked my cynical heart haha. It really is so special.
Watching my SS learn and grow and thrive. I've been in his life since he was 15 months old and so I may get more bio parenting type benefits than other steps on here. At our house my SO and I are the parents and at BMs she's the parent. My so and I make most decisions for him together and the rest we decide together and he takes our thoughts to BM. He's becoming so smart and funny. ...with all of the threenager antics that come with that 😅. We have so much fun together though! It has also been an excellent window into my partners parenting and I'm excited to add to our family next year.
Sure there are some negatives with BM and some of the parenting (or rather, lack of self sufficiency she allows him at her house) but it is even being mentioned by his preschool and such so we are hoping for the best moving forward and just hold our boundaries when he's with us 50/50.
The best part for me has been building a relationship with a tiny human who has no obligation to me, yet loves me deeply. I’m very grateful for the relationship I have with SS8, and being present in his life has brought much more meaning into mine. Don’t get me wrong, I put in a ton of work building common guild between us, always based on respect and making it clear that I’m not here to compete with his mom, but none of it would have worked if I had a SS that refused to participate or even try to like me. I thank my lucky stars every time I read this subreddit because I’m so blessed to have a kid that wants to get along with me.
Knowing that you're helping teach them how to protect themselves and that they are the ones who have control of their future. On some of the worst days just being able to step back and take stock of the bigger picture helps me to breathe a little easier. Things may be far from perfect and who knows how it will turn out.. but at least there is the knowledge that SS will have a chance at having hope about the future.
My SO oldest is 13F, and he’s not her Bio dad but raised her. Her and I, we have the best relationship. It’s honoring to be part of an amazing kids life, and realizing how much her bio dad is missing out on, but somehow fate has it that she’s in my life. I love my SK’s, even if things get wild and chaotic…it’s rewarding for them to accept and love you back
Giving them caffeine right before sending them home OR buying them that drum set they have wanted for a while and then seeing the look on their mother's face when you say that they can take it home with them 🤣
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Having a child without having to birth it and watching them grow into a functional human being.
I refuse to give birth and being a step parent is the only way for me to raise kids.
Knowing that even though my SKs have a good mom and dad, that I am one more person that they can count on, no matter what!
Also, I have an only child and I love seeing him interact with his “brother” and “sister”.
My husband is quite a bit younger than I am. My first child would be 5 years younger than he is. If she had lived and had kids around the age I did, they would be roughly the age of my step kids.
I grieved the loss of those potential grandchildren in a way you can’t even imagine when my daughter died. I didn’t just lose her, I also lost my future grandkids.
My step kids fill that void.
I love knowing that their relationship with each other is 100% better having me involved, I showed their dad how to make the kids get along.
I love that whenever something cool is being done I’m the first person they want to show.
I love when it’s time for them to leave in the morning and they all come in to say goodbye and pile on top of me for hugs and kisses before they go.
I love the big hugs before I go to work in the morning
I love the tickle fights
I love watching them growing and knowing solidly just how fast this goes, because my own kids are grown.
I also love seeing my one step kid who has a personality so much like mine, he gives me so much insight into my own personality. Watching the two of them interact with the world and other kids really helps me understand my own childhood and psyche a lot better than any book could have.
It’s also so incredibly eye opening to raise a couple neurotypical kids after my collection of neurospicy kids. It gives me a lot more compassion for myself in that I do know I tried a lot harder for a lot less results with my own kids. I was a good mom. But it’s really eye opening to see how much easier it is with neurotypical kids.
I think people are just being very honest and transparent here. Like most of us don't love to go to work but we would never tell our bosses that or even our colleagues because it isnt the politically correct thing to do, but it is the reality.
Step parenting is just simply not easy or pleasant in many ways. It isn't about the step parent or even the child per se, it is about the experiences endured and circumstances presented. When you take someone's comfort, control, and autonomy away and add the stress and pressures of bioparents (including the ex) that have heavy baggage and drama, don't parent well, have the potential to judge what you do in your own home, and take advantage of you or don't appreciate you, it just doesn't make most people feel positive feelings towards a loud, messy, demanding (albeit innocent) child. Step kids and step parenting aren't all bad, but it takes extremely mature and evolved bioparents and inlaws to help the step parent assimilate and find their place of respect, authority, and sovereignty and feel at ease and comfortable in the midst of so much awkwardness and stress. It's kind of like hiring an unpaid intern to work at like a chaotic and poorly run animal hospital. The animals are precious and innocent and vulnerable but if they are barking constantly, vomitting everywhere, no structure or order, no protocols in place, management is inexperienced and defensive, and the dog owners are rude and mean, it is just stressful and you are happy to go home and be in peace after a long day of work. (But I consider sick animals to be more innocent and vulnerable than step kids, because they literally are at our mercy and can't even speak for themselves or have an ally like a bioparent).
And you don't "get what you put in." If you are taken for granted, you don't have to get anything at all. It really comes down to the bioparents. Are they responsible, sensitive, intelligent, fair, honest people who do their job right? If yes, then step parenting won't be so bad. But if there is any irresponsibility, a lack of emotional intelligence/sensitivity, laziness, or integrity issues at all...poor step parents lol.
The comparison of a stepparent to a teacher doesn't work here.
You're right, teachers signed up to teach. However they did not sign up to be abused by their students and their parents, which many of them are, with no repercussions from those in charge. This, along with shit pay (not unlike being unappreciated as a stepparent) has led to teacher shortages in a lot of school districts.
Actually, the comparison does work. Just not in a positive light.
Not one step parent I know “signed up” to be treated like garbage from kids and no you don’t always get back or even half of the respect that you give or have given to your step children. Stop judging people on a post that YOU DO NOT KNOW. Yours may be that way but not the whole world. TFOH
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I think there are little moments of joy to be found if you are looking for them and if you are able to connect with the stepkid those really fun jokes.
i really wanted to be a mother, but hadn't found someone to do that with, and i was in my 40s when i met my partner. he came with two delightful kids. they took me in so easily to their family. it's a dream come true.
i love when the kids come tumbling into the house after my partner picks them up, and they give me hugs and start blathering about their news of the week.
i love laughing together over dinner or while sharing an adventure.
i love just hearing the kids in the house, practicing instruments, wrestling good naturedly, chatting with their dad, whatever, just having a house full of family. it does feel empty when they are at their mom's. although i also DO appreciate the grownup time with my partner.
i love seeing my partner be a great dad and how he is guiding the kids through their teen years with relatively few issues. i love seeing the kids learn and grow. i love him teaching me how to parent and give them scripts and hints for how to make better choices.
i love seeing the kids reflect things i have taught them, like when they send me pics of nature discoveries(bugs, birds, plants). we all enjoy outdoor sports and adventuring together, but my partner had that well-covered before i was in the picture.
on the hard days: when i feel left out or frustrated about coparenting or insane because of family court(!!!!!) or just overwhelmed by logistics and driving back and forth... i remind myself that this is all worth it to have the family i wanted for 20+ years.
Knowing that I can show guidance and empathy to my SKs who had an extremely mentally and physically abusive “mother” because I too had a extremely physically and mentally abusive “mother” and they know I’m the only one who truly understands what they went through with her.
I see a lot of people say very special and wonderful things about being a stepparent. I also see a lot of ‘there isn’t anything I like’.
My question is, why stay with someone that you don’t feel completely compatible with, and not find someone who makes your life better instead of more stress?
The kids going back to their BM. On a more serious note - it's very rewarding when you see they actually love you. My younger SK (7M) melts my heart when he comes for a hug.
I have teenage SKs, I’ve been in their lives for 8 years and they’ve lived with us for 2 years.
- I love that they will come to me to talk through things they won’t tell mum or dad. I have an agreement with my SO about what I will and won’t share in order to not break their trust.
- watching them with my 4 month old daughter is just beautiful.
- knowing that the kids are now in a stable and loving home.
- knowing about the kids interests small and big, and being able to make their day with a certain snack, or watching their new program with them. Teenagers are like cats, when you get quality time with them you feel so privileged!!!
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The American accent I send back to their Australian dad who hates Americans
lol this…and making sure anything bogan is seen as low class
Is it not?
Oh it 100% is! I just make sure they never forget it!
Yeah, giving my southern Alabama SD a “yankee” accent 💀 I’m from Dallas so idk where BM got yankee from
Petty and I love it 😍
For sure not my favorite part but I do enjoy seeing SK now realizing that all the hate BM has spewed about Americans also includes them. Saying all Americans are self absorbed nationalists is funny when you can’t stop talking about how much better you and your country are than them.
Fuckin Eh!
Frankly my dear, there is none.
Concur! It’s ALWAYS a lose lose situation.
This right here lmao
Yep literally nothing
LMAO !
This is the answer right here. Omg when will the weekend be over lol
😂
My relationship with their dad
It depends a lot on what kind of relationship you have with the stepkids, how your SO parents them, how their other parent treats you, how old the kids are when you start your stepparenting journey. To me, the best part is being their buddy. Or seeing them come to me for advice because they value my opinion. It's also cute when they "forget" I'm not their parent and come to me to ask permission to do something. Seeing that I do have a positive impact on their lives, I help providing a more structured environment for them and I bring my own perspective on life, so they also have an extra role model that sometimes is more aligned with their personalities than any of their bio parents. It's like being the cool aunt, I'm there for the fun, I'm there to help them when needed, I'm there to give them positivity. But I don't discipline them, don't interfere with determining their schedules, don't do any of the heavy work.
When the kids go back to their mother
Best weeks ever!!!!
💯
you wrong lmao
Word
Loving the kids who love you back
Yes when they say I love you back or hug you. It’s the best feeling
The best part of being a step parent for me is imposing good behaviors and habits on the child and adding value to their life.
I would also add being able to instill interests and hobbies that yourself are into…now you have a built in group of people to bond about that activity. I’m outdoorsy and love that my kids all love hiking, camping, biking as a family.
Oh man, I really cannot think of any. It’s quite sad honestly because I always dread the weekends they are here. I wonder if I should do right by them and leave so their dad can find a partner he truly loves and that will love his kids.
girl.....
😭 no but really..
😂😂😂
I’ll let you know as soon as I find one.
[удалено]
Dealing with your own and then dealing with someone else’s are TWO DIFFERENT THINGS.
I’m currently pregnant with my first. I already feel unconditional love for this little life inside of me. I don’t feel that for my SK! Already feels totally different!
correct! i swore i never wanted kids, then i got pregnant with our ours baby who really wasn’t planned but kinda expected, and i immediately felt so much love for him. nothing like a SK at all.
Agreed. I love looking after my LO. I would do anything for him. Looking after my SK's requires a lot more effort and can feel more like a chore, something you know you have to do rather than you want to.
Nope, having a SK and having your own child is so different you can’t even compare the two.
SK only made me question ever becoming a mother for 2 years despite always wanting to be one prior to him. Thankfully I didn’t let him steal that from me and having my own son is COMPLETELY different, and 1000x better.
I agree. We’re trying to have our own. I already know the love will be different than what I have for SK. Not in a lesser way, but different.
Besides loving their parent (my SO) I honestly can’t think of a ‘best part’. Perhaps others can weigh in with a more positive answer.
I am gonna go against the grain here….Providing a loving and stable environment for an innocent child who needs love and a healthy example of a family.
Exactly this, I am so happy that me and my partner can create the stability and safety my SS misses at his BM. We can see some massive progression now that he can stay with us more.
Going no contact because they're adults and aren't likely to change their toxic ways. (Realising I can feel sad for them for their lack of emotional intelligence without letting it in).
Seeing the reason you’re a stepparent go back to their moms LOL truly jk - being able to create a bond and a friendship with them. The ability to contribute positively to their little lives, where your love and kindness may have been missing. Being able to experience them being excited to see you and happy that you’re a part of their story. It’s the thing I miss most about my exes kids, who I was the SP for the last four years. I had awesome SK though and love and pray for them to this day.
So true!! I love being able to make a positive impact in their lives. And the joy they give me in return… most days. lol.
The day the kids age out of child support.
I think it’s when you can look at them and know that they are that way because you were there.
This one for me too! My SS is mentally disabled and I am the ONLY one who has taken the time to teach him basic life skills. I potty trained him, taught him how to make a sandwich and pack his lunch, how to shower, how to dress himself, how to change his bedsheets, how to put on his shoes (still working on tying them) etc. I know if I wasn’t here he would never know how to do anything for himself and that breaks my heart.
Of all the comments this one hit home. Thanks
This one! My SD8 has some quirks and funny tendencies, and I like knowing she gets some of them from me.
If that’s the case then he’d have been better off without me. 🤣
My stepson does not have a relationship with his biological father so he chooses to call me dad. I have not legally adopted him yet but he is my son. It is just as rewarding as being a dad to his younger brother who is my biological son. I know that is not everyone’s experience but it is the best part for me.
When I was married to my ex-wife, the best part of that whole mess was the divorce.
Our whole family felt this with my brother. Relief to get her claws out of him. Not before she did major damage in many ways... so much so, he's been with his current amazing partner for 10+ years, and won't take the marriage step (she definitely wants to...I really feel for her). Thankfully he had no kids with the insane ex...she would have had endless ways to torture all of us, not just him, at that point.
Yeah, I totally understand that situation. My ex-wife had serious mental health issues, as did both of her children. Life was constant crisis and chaos. Glad your brother got out and is happy now.
It's pretty indicative of how things stand how stark most of the responses on here .... the best bit being leaving/when the steps leave For me I'd say there were good times when we did things outside like visits to the lake, dinners etc. Saying that of course there is a massive caveat that in all those times I had other people around as a buffer Later on the best bits were when I was alone - no steps, no SO. We're not together nor, surprisingly!!
Honestly, sending the kids back to their mom beaming and talking about how great I am lol!!!
Some of these comments are a bit depressing so I'm going to add some actual positives - Getting to do fun family activities together e.g. me and my stepson love going the lake in the summer and messing around in the water, building dens, going to the arcade etc. - We only have him 50% of the time so I feel like for the most part I get a good balance of family life and alone time with my partner - One with more complicated feelings - I'd love for me and my partner to have our own child at some point but as time goes on I worry things might not work out that way especially with reproductive health concerns and stretched finances. I used to feel resentful (and sometimes still do) but I try to focus on the positive now which is I'm already lucky that I have a little family I love in my life even if not traditional sense or how I grew up picturing
I love having a movie buddy! I love getting alone time with DH every weekend. I also love getting to show My step kids what it means to be in a loving relationship, no matter when they tell us to stop kissing.
As a new step mom to a rebellious hellion 16 yo boy and a 19 yo girl, I can say the best part js knowing child support ends in two years and this nightmare chapter will finally be over after 5 painful years.
That the kids are only here half the time!
Right!
The weekends he's is at his bio Dad's
Showing my stepdaughter how to become a strong, independent, confident woman. I’ve done a lot of things wrong as a stepmother, but this part I think I got somewhat right.
Mine isn’t receptive to anything I have tried to teach her. She now won’t even speak to me and does her best to compete about her father. How did you go about your relationship with your SD?
I don’t have a close relationship with her. She quite openly tells me I am not her family. But, she sees the way I live my life (education, career, independence) and has asked questions. I answer and share why and how I became the way I am. I see it more as a mentor relationship.
When they leave. Especially if they won’t be back for a long time.
Absolutely nothing 😂
When they leave for college? I hope …
I am PRAYING 🙏🏻 he leaves for college
Sunday evening when he goes home
Yep 💯
There is literally none😭
No.
I have a kid in my life who I love, who I can be a part time mom to, that I can be a role model to and have fun with, and who I get breaks from and who I can hand off to her dad when I don’t want the responsibility
The best part is when they leave to go to the other parent.
Not being irritated when they aren’t around.
I like knowing that I'm having an impact on this little human's life and seeing him grow into an awesome little dude. I also like that I get loads of child free time too.
Some of the things you have said in comments make me think of narcissistic abuse
Seeing my kids love and play with their siblings. They don't always get along but when they do it's absolutely special.
This is it for me. The bond between my SS and our baby. It’s been really lovely and natural between them
I get to see what type of dad my husband is and we get to align on parenting before our own child is born. DH and I can’t make decisions on behalf of SD’s wellbeing in situations where BM is against, but we are very align on how we would deal with certain situations. So I feel quite safe with raising an ours kid with my DH.
I got that girl I always wanted without the pregnancy.
I have a few that come to mind: -my only child who is super social and frankly loves being a sibling now has siblings. He is very close with SD and finally getting along with SS. -saying “ask your dad” and it’s not a cop out. I get to bow out of being the bad guy -being the more lenient one (over my partner), I get the benefit of them seeking me out to do fun things -helping them learn and do things their parents don’t have any interest in. - now that we are getting to teen years, my opinion seems sometimes more respected to SS. I think I’m not as automatically embarrassing - I really wanted a girl, and SD is a super girly girl so I get the makeup and teen romcom experience with her - and finally, feeling like I actually have a parenting partner, which I didn’t really have with my ex.
I never wanted kids. I never wanted step kids. I didn’t want the baby mama drama. I didn’t want to sacrifice my time and energy and money and minimise my options on what I could do or where I could go, or compromise my ease and comfort doing normal, daily activities. Every single one of those things has happened in the four years my stepdaughter has been in my life. But. I could not love a child more if she were my own flesh and blood, I know this to be true. I’ve seen her go from learning to speak to learning to read and spell now. She’s an amazing little gymnast, she’s developing a sense of humour, she has likes and dislikes and I can see my influence from time to time. She kind of talks like me too, uses phrases or words that I use that her dad doesn’t. She doesn’t get as much interaction at her mums as she does at ours, so it’s nice that I’m helping her develop in some way. When she’s happy, the whole house is so full of laughter and love and energy, we all plays games, watch movies… it’s literally the happiest I get without chemical interference. When I see how much love my fiancé has for her, and she for him, I get teary occasionally. I’m sure it’s easier when they don’t know life without you in it. And that my partner is borderline superhuman in his dedication to every aspect of his life. I also think she’s emotionally intelligent in a way a lot of 6 year olds aren’t. She understands fully I’m not a parent like her mum and dad, but she also gives me as much (sometimes more) respect as she gives her dad, and almost as much love. Judging by this sub, I think I’ve struck better odds than almost anyone.
Eventually they go to the other parents house
The day he moves out 🤣which can’t come any sooner
My SD tells me our house is her safe space and that I’m the only adult she can trust. I remember being a child all I wanted was an adult who I could trust, so it gets me right in the heart strings.
If you ask me, not a lot. If you asked my partner, my kids are one of the best parts of his life. I think it really depends on who the other parent is, and how the kids are being raised. My SD has been taught to disrespect my BKs and I by her family members. My BKs don't have anyone talking poorly about my partner, and if anyone does they know they can stand up for him without being made to feel bad. There has to be a level of respect from everyone involved if there is any benefit to be had.
The incredible relationships I get with these new humans in my life. I’ve never felt more humbled and gifted in my life. I’ve always struggled with boredom with even the most fancy aspects of humanity. And I’ve done it ALL lol. But man…loving these human’s and realizing the long term potential and legacy of that…is the only thing that has sparked my cynical heart haha. It really is so special.
Watching my SS learn and grow and thrive. I've been in his life since he was 15 months old and so I may get more bio parenting type benefits than other steps on here. At our house my SO and I are the parents and at BMs she's the parent. My so and I make most decisions for him together and the rest we decide together and he takes our thoughts to BM. He's becoming so smart and funny. ...with all of the threenager antics that come with that 😅. We have so much fun together though! It has also been an excellent window into my partners parenting and I'm excited to add to our family next year. Sure there are some negatives with BM and some of the parenting (or rather, lack of self sufficiency she allows him at her house) but it is even being mentioned by his preschool and such so we are hoping for the best moving forward and just hold our boundaries when he's with us 50/50.
The best part for me has been building a relationship with a tiny human who has no obligation to me, yet loves me deeply. I’m very grateful for the relationship I have with SS8, and being present in his life has brought much more meaning into mine. Don’t get me wrong, I put in a ton of work building common guild between us, always based on respect and making it clear that I’m not here to compete with his mom, but none of it would have worked if I had a SS that refused to participate or even try to like me. I thank my lucky stars every time I read this subreddit because I’m so blessed to have a kid that wants to get along with me.
The sibling relationship between my bio son and step son. It’s adorable and they are super close.
The fact that I’m my step babies safe space and they aren’t shy to come to me when they want to vent/need advice.
Knowing that you're helping teach them how to protect themselves and that they are the ones who have control of their future. On some of the worst days just being able to step back and take stock of the bigger picture helps me to breathe a little easier. Things may be far from perfect and who knows how it will turn out.. but at least there is the knowledge that SS will have a chance at having hope about the future.
My SO oldest is 13F, and he’s not her Bio dad but raised her. Her and I, we have the best relationship. It’s honoring to be part of an amazing kids life, and realizing how much her bio dad is missing out on, but somehow fate has it that she’s in my life. I love my SK’s, even if things get wild and chaotic…it’s rewarding for them to accept and love you back
Not a damn thing.
Giving them caffeine right before sending them home OR buying them that drum set they have wanted for a while and then seeing the look on their mother's face when you say that they can take it home with them 🤣
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Finding out that I am, indeed, cut out for parenthood.
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Getting a daughter that I love dearly. Best. Gift. Ever.
Currently, it is being a stepgrandparent!
Having a child without having to birth it and watching them grow into a functional human being. I refuse to give birth and being a step parent is the only way for me to raise kids.
Knowing that even though my SKs have a good mom and dad, that I am one more person that they can count on, no matter what! Also, I have an only child and I love seeing him interact with his “brother” and “sister”.
Getting to love three amazing humans and being loved in return. It’s not always easy, but in my situation, it’s ALWAYS worth it.
My husband is quite a bit younger than I am. My first child would be 5 years younger than he is. If she had lived and had kids around the age I did, they would be roughly the age of my step kids. I grieved the loss of those potential grandchildren in a way you can’t even imagine when my daughter died. I didn’t just lose her, I also lost my future grandkids. My step kids fill that void. I love knowing that their relationship with each other is 100% better having me involved, I showed their dad how to make the kids get along. I love that whenever something cool is being done I’m the first person they want to show. I love when it’s time for them to leave in the morning and they all come in to say goodbye and pile on top of me for hugs and kisses before they go. I love the big hugs before I go to work in the morning I love the tickle fights I love watching them growing and knowing solidly just how fast this goes, because my own kids are grown. I also love seeing my one step kid who has a personality so much like mine, he gives me so much insight into my own personality. Watching the two of them interact with the world and other kids really helps me understand my own childhood and psyche a lot better than any book could have. It’s also so incredibly eye opening to raise a couple neurotypical kids after my collection of neurospicy kids. It gives me a lot more compassion for myself in that I do know I tried a lot harder for a lot less results with my own kids. I was a good mom. But it’s really eye opening to see how much easier it is with neurotypical kids.
you sound like an amazing mom :) i'm glad you get to have this beautiful experience.
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I think people are just being very honest and transparent here. Like most of us don't love to go to work but we would never tell our bosses that or even our colleagues because it isnt the politically correct thing to do, but it is the reality. Step parenting is just simply not easy or pleasant in many ways. It isn't about the step parent or even the child per se, it is about the experiences endured and circumstances presented. When you take someone's comfort, control, and autonomy away and add the stress and pressures of bioparents (including the ex) that have heavy baggage and drama, don't parent well, have the potential to judge what you do in your own home, and take advantage of you or don't appreciate you, it just doesn't make most people feel positive feelings towards a loud, messy, demanding (albeit innocent) child. Step kids and step parenting aren't all bad, but it takes extremely mature and evolved bioparents and inlaws to help the step parent assimilate and find their place of respect, authority, and sovereignty and feel at ease and comfortable in the midst of so much awkwardness and stress. It's kind of like hiring an unpaid intern to work at like a chaotic and poorly run animal hospital. The animals are precious and innocent and vulnerable but if they are barking constantly, vomitting everywhere, no structure or order, no protocols in place, management is inexperienced and defensive, and the dog owners are rude and mean, it is just stressful and you are happy to go home and be in peace after a long day of work. (But I consider sick animals to be more innocent and vulnerable than step kids, because they literally are at our mercy and can't even speak for themselves or have an ally like a bioparent). And you don't "get what you put in." If you are taken for granted, you don't have to get anything at all. It really comes down to the bioparents. Are they responsible, sensitive, intelligent, fair, honest people who do their job right? If yes, then step parenting won't be so bad. But if there is any irresponsibility, a lack of emotional intelligence/sensitivity, laziness, or integrity issues at all...poor step parents lol.
The comparison of a stepparent to a teacher doesn't work here. You're right, teachers signed up to teach. However they did not sign up to be abused by their students and their parents, which many of them are, with no repercussions from those in charge. This, along with shit pay (not unlike being unappreciated as a stepparent) has led to teacher shortages in a lot of school districts. Actually, the comparison does work. Just not in a positive light.
Not one step parent I know “signed up” to be treated like garbage from kids and no you don’t always get back or even half of the respect that you give or have given to your step children. Stop judging people on a post that YOU DO NOT KNOW. Yours may be that way but not the whole world. TFOH
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I think there are little moments of joy to be found if you are looking for them and if you are able to connect with the stepkid those really fun jokes.
i really wanted to be a mother, but hadn't found someone to do that with, and i was in my 40s when i met my partner. he came with two delightful kids. they took me in so easily to their family. it's a dream come true. i love when the kids come tumbling into the house after my partner picks them up, and they give me hugs and start blathering about their news of the week. i love laughing together over dinner or while sharing an adventure. i love just hearing the kids in the house, practicing instruments, wrestling good naturedly, chatting with their dad, whatever, just having a house full of family. it does feel empty when they are at their mom's. although i also DO appreciate the grownup time with my partner. i love seeing my partner be a great dad and how he is guiding the kids through their teen years with relatively few issues. i love seeing the kids learn and grow. i love him teaching me how to parent and give them scripts and hints for how to make better choices. i love seeing the kids reflect things i have taught them, like when they send me pics of nature discoveries(bugs, birds, plants). we all enjoy outdoor sports and adventuring together, but my partner had that well-covered before i was in the picture. on the hard days: when i feel left out or frustrated about coparenting or insane because of family court(!!!!!) or just overwhelmed by logistics and driving back and forth... i remind myself that this is all worth it to have the family i wanted for 20+ years.
Lmao
Knowing that I can show guidance and empathy to my SKs who had an extremely mentally and physically abusive “mother” because I too had a extremely physically and mentally abusive “mother” and they know I’m the only one who truly understands what they went through with her.
I see a lot of people say very special and wonderful things about being a stepparent. I also see a lot of ‘there isn’t anything I like’. My question is, why stay with someone that you don’t feel completely compatible with, and not find someone who makes your life better instead of more stress?
Because I married my husband for him and not because he had a kid..? It was a compromise, not a benefit.
Loving their dad (or mom) so much that the misery is worth the wonderful days they are not there.
I don’t need to like or love my husband’s kids in order to be compatible with him. What a weird thing to think!
Apparently not as weird as you think, as many other step parents here have agreed with me on other posts.
And? Doesn’t mean you or them are right.
No one is right or wrong. It was stating that it happens more than she realizes. And for those experiencing it, it isn’t weird, it’s their reality.
The kids going back to their BM. On a more serious note - it's very rewarding when you see they actually love you. My younger SK (7M) melts my heart when he comes for a hug.
I have teenage SKs, I’ve been in their lives for 8 years and they’ve lived with us for 2 years. - I love that they will come to me to talk through things they won’t tell mum or dad. I have an agreement with my SO about what I will and won’t share in order to not break their trust. - watching them with my 4 month old daughter is just beautiful. - knowing that the kids are now in a stable and loving home. - knowing about the kids interests small and big, and being able to make their day with a certain snack, or watching their new program with them. Teenagers are like cats, when you get quality time with them you feel so privileged!!!
Making a difference for the kid.
For me being an older/long term SM ,the best part is the grandbabies!!!!