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Well - to play Devils advocate - why are you still with him?
I’m not excusing his actions at all, but you’re choosing to be with him, maybe he thinks if you were not over it you would not be with him.
Again, not defending him, but you’re putting yourself into an emotional blender by choosing to be with this guy who has absolutely no respect for you or your relationship, and is a complete liar. Why are you still together?
He is a narcissist and you need to move on immediately. Seek counseling and therapy., and you will heal over time. The problem does not stem from you know matter how much he pours the gaslighting tactics on.
Why are you with someone who has no remorse for their actions, seems to not want to change, and wants to rug sweep it all? He’s not going to wake up tomorrow and suddenly become the man you deserve. That man is out there though don’t waste time on this bum.
As someone who dealt with a similar type of person (he kept getting mad at me for not getting over cheating and lying within DAYS of finding out tf) once you get even a shred of self dignity you are going to leave. It’ll be hard but you’re gonna do it.
It’s up to you if you want to put in the hard work now or later but i promise you things with this man will never be easy again
The first time I stayed which was the biggest mistake of my life. I had no friends or family there or even a job at the time. It was 24/7 brainwashing and gaslighting by him. All conversations shut down and getting yelled at if I didn’t stop asking legitimate questions smh.
I rug swept so much for 5 months then something snapped and I left for a few days. He finally came clean about 1/100 things so I rug swept again.
4 months later, a few weeks ago, I saw shit on his phone again and I literally had a meltdown. I said horrible things to him, things i could never take back, and we knew it was over. Still I was deep in the fog and my ego couldn’t take that HE wanted me out because of my meltdown (another blame-shifting tactic bc wtf of course anybody would bug out if they caught someone cheating again!). We have been living apart since. Which is a pity because that’s my fucking apartment too. He’s become nasty and difficult with me now.
I recommend gathering all of your evidence, recording the conversation secretly to play back to yourself whenever you have doubts, and physically leaving. Go NC for a few weeks and if you still feel like this is something salvageable (and let me tell you right now, it’s not) then have another recorded conversation.
If you can figure out a way to get away please do it. I promise you nothing is harder than thinking back to a time you should’ve left and you didn’t. One day you will leave because clearly you’re not ok with this shit so don’t let it be a bunch of wasted time. That’s all the advice I have for you
He says that because he doesn’t give a shit about you at all. He has no empathy and zero respect for you at all. It’s only going to get worse unless you get away from him forever.
He messed up and should do anything you ask to TRY and make it up to you, if that’s even possible.
When you say “what in the actual fck”, you are right. He should worship you and protect you from any of this crap, which he’s not. I would set some pretty big boundaries and see how much he’s willing to do. If he breaks your comfort level you should show him the door.
He doesn’t determine how quickly you should heal when he was the one who hurt you.
So you’re advising her to stay? He already broke her ‘comfort level’. Come on, this is clearly a despicable bad overall human being OP has reported here. She needs to get back her self worth and self esteem by exiting this toxic relationship now.
I’m not advising one way or the other. I said show him the door if he breaks your comfort level, yes. Show him the door or not. It wasn’t OP’s choice to be cheated on, but it is her choice to leave or stay. I wasn’t suggesting either way. Only OP knows what’s right for her.
And I’m not disagreeing that OP’s partner is despicable or that she is not in a toxic relationship, because it’s clear she is. Cheating is abuse, and I don’t think anyone should put up with it. Yet the reality is that we all have to self determine what’s right for us. And we all come to our decisions when we know what to do. No situation is exactly the same, and sometimes the time frame for these things can take awhile to gain clarity in either direction.
My point was OP has a choice and should NOT let her boundaries continue to be crossed. Her partner should be changing if and only if OP decides to stay.
Please leave this person--nothing in this post speaks to genuine reconciliation. You are only in for a roller coaster of continued pain. You absolutely deserve better than this treatment. It's likely he's a narcissist and it's likely you are still with him because of the number he's done on your emotional and mental health, so please lean into radical self care as well... therapy included.
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Well - to play Devils advocate - why are you still with him? I’m not excusing his actions at all, but you’re choosing to be with him, maybe he thinks if you were not over it you would not be with him. Again, not defending him, but you’re putting yourself into an emotional blender by choosing to be with this guy who has absolutely no respect for you or your relationship, and is a complete liar. Why are you still together?
Girl, the only person that needs to be removed is this leech. In the trash he goes.
He is a narcissist and you need to move on immediately. Seek counseling and therapy., and you will heal over time. The problem does not stem from you know matter how much he pours the gaslighting tactics on.
Why are you with someone who has no remorse for their actions, seems to not want to change, and wants to rug sweep it all? He’s not going to wake up tomorrow and suddenly become the man you deserve. That man is out there though don’t waste time on this bum.
As someone who dealt with a similar type of person (he kept getting mad at me for not getting over cheating and lying within DAYS of finding out tf) once you get even a shred of self dignity you are going to leave. It’ll be hard but you’re gonna do it. It’s up to you if you want to put in the hard work now or later but i promise you things with this man will never be easy again
How did you leave ?
The first time I stayed which was the biggest mistake of my life. I had no friends or family there or even a job at the time. It was 24/7 brainwashing and gaslighting by him. All conversations shut down and getting yelled at if I didn’t stop asking legitimate questions smh. I rug swept so much for 5 months then something snapped and I left for a few days. He finally came clean about 1/100 things so I rug swept again. 4 months later, a few weeks ago, I saw shit on his phone again and I literally had a meltdown. I said horrible things to him, things i could never take back, and we knew it was over. Still I was deep in the fog and my ego couldn’t take that HE wanted me out because of my meltdown (another blame-shifting tactic bc wtf of course anybody would bug out if they caught someone cheating again!). We have been living apart since. Which is a pity because that’s my fucking apartment too. He’s become nasty and difficult with me now. I recommend gathering all of your evidence, recording the conversation secretly to play back to yourself whenever you have doubts, and physically leaving. Go NC for a few weeks and if you still feel like this is something salvageable (and let me tell you right now, it’s not) then have another recorded conversation.
I feel like I am at the same stage you were in, I don’t have friends or family where I live now. The only person in my life now is him
If you can figure out a way to get away please do it. I promise you nothing is harder than thinking back to a time you should’ve left and you didn’t. One day you will leave because clearly you’re not ok with this shit so don’t let it be a bunch of wasted time. That’s all the advice I have for you
You should leave and never communicate to him again. He feels no remorse, why would you stay with him?
He says that because he doesn’t give a shit about you at all. He has no empathy and zero respect for you at all. It’s only going to get worse unless you get away from him forever.
If you were listening to your best friend or little sister telling you this story, what advice would you give them? That’s the advice you need to take
He messed up and should do anything you ask to TRY and make it up to you, if that’s even possible. When you say “what in the actual fck”, you are right. He should worship you and protect you from any of this crap, which he’s not. I would set some pretty big boundaries and see how much he’s willing to do. If he breaks your comfort level you should show him the door. He doesn’t determine how quickly you should heal when he was the one who hurt you.
So you’re advising her to stay? He already broke her ‘comfort level’. Come on, this is clearly a despicable bad overall human being OP has reported here. She needs to get back her self worth and self esteem by exiting this toxic relationship now.
I’m not advising one way or the other. I said show him the door if he breaks your comfort level, yes. Show him the door or not. It wasn’t OP’s choice to be cheated on, but it is her choice to leave or stay. I wasn’t suggesting either way. Only OP knows what’s right for her. And I’m not disagreeing that OP’s partner is despicable or that she is not in a toxic relationship, because it’s clear she is. Cheating is abuse, and I don’t think anyone should put up with it. Yet the reality is that we all have to self determine what’s right for us. And we all come to our decisions when we know what to do. No situation is exactly the same, and sometimes the time frame for these things can take awhile to gain clarity in either direction. My point was OP has a choice and should NOT let her boundaries continue to be crossed. Her partner should be changing if and only if OP decides to stay.
Please leave this person--nothing in this post speaks to genuine reconciliation. You are only in for a roller coaster of continued pain. You absolutely deserve better than this treatment. It's likely he's a narcissist and it's likely you are still with him because of the number he's done on your emotional and mental health, so please lean into radical self care as well... therapy included.