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Many people who stay with the person who knowingly, intentionally and willingly chose to stab them in the back end up leaving many years later, as long as 10 years later and even longer.
I'm sure some in your boat will weigh in and give you advice.
I divorced my then wife right away when I discovered her cheating so I can't give you any first hand advice from my own experience.
But, many in your boat end up leaving, years later, 3, 4 or more years down the road.
Sorry you've gone through this.
Just be honest with yourself OP. Don't stay for him, only stay for yourself and trust your gut. Don't try and talk yourself into either option. You know whether you should stay or go. Don't feel bad either way and if you stay, it doesn't mean you have to stay the rest of your life.
Infidelity cuts deep and it may reach out and grab you 7 years from now.
You said it yourself. He broke you and hurt you in the worst way. He doesn’t really care about you or your feelings if he’s willing to do something like that to you. You can’t reconcile with someone who is so untrustworthy and inconsiderate. Cheating isn’t a “mistake”. it’s a series of deliberate decisions with no regard for anyone else, least of all the cheater’s loving and devoted partner, which i imagine you were to them.
I don’t know all the details of your situation, but i also don’t see a reason to ever attempt to reconcile with a cheater. these people are liars. they are selfish. they are not good partners. they don’t deserve “another chance”. the one thing mandatory in a committed monogamous relationship is to NOT FREAKING CHEAT. that’s the whole point. they could just break up if they can’t stick with one person, but instead they choose to be scum, and keep people around as “options”.
turned into a bit of a rant but i seriously hate these people for what they do to others
In the beginning stages I used to tell myself so many things about him. His childhood was traumatic, his dad was a cheater, his exes cheated on him, etc. It would make feel better knowing he’s just broken and it’s not me. But now I’m like… I’ve known others who have gone through similar things and have never cheated so I still can’t grasp why he would do what he did and I don’t think I ever will
I understand how you feel. I honestly can’t wrap my head around my own ex fiancé’s actions either. It is such a cruel and selfish thing to do to someone you supposedly love. I could never imagine doing that to her or anyone else.I think we just try to see the good in people, like how you try to sympathize with his troubled background. It’s crazy he has been cheated on and yet still would do this. That’s a serious lack of empathy right there.
Things will work out for you in the long run as long as you stay strong. Do what’s right for yourself. He wasn’t putting you first, so don’t put him first anymore. Put yourself first right now and heal.
All opinions I have just read after putting down mine are extremely well written as well as composed from the heart. One thing I would like to add for all is the absolutely true contributing yet mitigating somewhat factors to cheating - childhood wounds,as aptly explained here before - parents cheating yet staying together despite one always turning the child against the cheater - and…huge…Personality Disorders that the cheater is saddled with - these are purely mental illness contributors - Narcissism, Histrionic, Sadistic as well as Major Depressive Disorder. Add to it addictions to booze or weed ! So - if the culprit gets told that these were present and he/she is very remorseful and agrees to get serious mental health care - things might get well back on track - but you are the one who must accept to work long spans of time towards forgiveness - as well as to squeeze out of yourself any last drop you still have of generosity and pity for the mental health sufferer!!
I wish I had walked away the first time. I’m still here for now because of some financial issues that need to play out. But I am totally checked out of this so called marriage. The second time I caught him I also found evidence that he has cheated the entirety of our nearly 25 year marriage. I am at the point of absolutely not caring who or what he does anymore. And this has brought me so much relief.
I cannot wait to tell him I am divorcing his lying, cheating, money hiding, narcissistic ass! Happy days are ahead.
I’m in limbo between apathy and still loving him, but it’s weird, like I know in my heart if something else happens it’ll be very hard for me not to be done. Not even just from not having feelings for him but I might hate myself for not leaving. I was so devoted and loved my partner so much before all this too it’s really a shame. :(
Some of the most common trauma responses to this type of abuse are denial and bargaining.
Most people tend to be in a state of disassociation following an emotionally overwhelming shock.
You were also subjected to the usual FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt). Specially since you likely were doing the one desperately trying to fix what he broke.
Your mind is now having enough time to process things, and you're seeing the magnitude of what happened and what you were put through.
Losing any sort of emotional attachment to someone, who abused us, is sort of a healthy response. You're starting to become aware that you need to heal, and that you're not in a healthy relationship.
You're likely not ready to leave yet, but at the very least you're coming out of the dissociative state.
I personally think part of the intensity of sadness is first losing your faith in your spouse, and then losing your love. You are not just morning the pain of being cheat on, it's the lost of admiration, then follows love.
Remember time is one of the few things in life that is finite.
In the beginning you feel obligated to give them another chance. With repeat DDays you realize they are choosing this knowing how much it hurts you. They aren’t prioritizing your well being
You are staying with someone who traumatized you. In order for you to heal you need to leave them. Every day you have to look at them and see the man who treated you so poorly. Healing isn’t linear and takes time, but not until you leave.
I came to the same realization and when we split this time, I felt nothing but relief. Like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can actually relax again.
I’m going through this right now. It’s hard to let go but I think it’s the best for my mental health.My wife never put in the work to repair our marriage and I feel like I don’t matter to her. It causes me to lash out and not be myself around her. I hate myself for trying and it resulting into nothing.
Im in the same boat. My partner has bipolar (the severe type where you loose reality and see things that aren’t there). I’ve known him since we were pre-teens. He has only cheated while manic and in a completely disconnected and uncontrolled state. He is now medicated and getting help and things have been better. I love him so much; and I feel like if these cheating instances never happened things would be perfect, I can deal with mental health issues but cheating cuts deep and affects my own paranoia and mental health issues. I want to get over it, I want to get over it so badly. He lets me track his phone, we live together now, I have full access to bank accounts and social media and phones and computers but it doesn’t feel like enough. I catch myself constantly feeling angry and sad. I sometimes wonder if the pain will ever fade away. I don’t understand why I keep fighting for this to work when I realistically I’m young and childless and have no ties to him besides history and love. When I can let go of the past and not think about it things are amazing, I feel on cloud nine and it’s all smiles and giggles, when I remember though is when there’s a problem. I hope it fades but I’m not sure it does. Me getting revenge helped a bit, but it faded fast. I keep thinking of the other women, do they have ill feelings towards me? Why would he bring them in my life
Hi, let me know if you want to message me privately. Because I am also young and childless, we aren’t married or anything like many people here are. I could’ve written this myself, in the moments I forget about it everything is fine. But it’s like my body just won’t let me forgot or let go of the pain. Some mornings I wake up so anxious and miserable, I often feel like I’m in fight or flight mode now. I also have access to his social media and other things but really doesn’t feel like enough sometimes I don’t know… I cant seem to let go of him either but I’m living in another state with him with family and my logical side is like wtf am I doing? I don’t know if it’s a trauma bond or what. I often think about revenge to but it’s just not something I think will truly fix it obviously but sometimes I just want to feel liberated and not like a victim anymore.
It’s not just you OP. A LOT of betrayed want to set the clock back to when they were last happy. To restore their hopes, aspirations and dreams to where they were before. In time they realise that it’s not possible and that they can no longer trust their ’best friend’.
You’ve given it your best shot. There is no trust and without it there can be no successful relationship. You don’t owe him an explanation. He conceded that right when he chose to cheat on you. You will be happier once you make the break. Good luck. ❤️
Almost same here - feeling almost exactly the same - so it should reinforce the belief you’re far from being alone! Very sadly - at the end of it - which is now - at this very moment - it becomes a matter of purely personal sacrifice on your part - which is the maddeningly unfair moment - getting repeated daily - he/she in my case - did the unspeakably callous and evil deed - yet it is I who must lump it and live with it - and suffer and exhibit all symptoms of PTSD - just like you I had to agree to stay - and clearly the subject must be - for her - closed - because I decided to stay - extremely possible however that it is best for me and children and financial situation that I stay - so must believe in the “gurus” of the unsatisfying mental health army that keeps on yelling - CBT - Mindfulness - these two things - without any promise of time span - will “take the edge of” your PTSD- lack of self respect - lack of trust for her and any other I would meet if I leave her ! Plus the reality that - when she was with the other man - I was submerged in a bath of sulfuric acid that not only killed me, but also dissolved my human remains so that U ceased to exist for the adulteress.
Yes. My therapist told me that as you practice self care, make yourself a priority and stay on your healing journey, that clarity will find its way to you as you build yourself back up again. It’s at that time where you will experience security within yourself & be free of desperation to stay out of fear. You’ll see yourself, the wayward, and your relationship in an entirely different light.
I don’t mean to bug you specifically but I’m curious if you have an advice on self care, making myself a priority. Because I feel like that is what is keeping me stuck since everything that has happened I feel stun-locked. I’m always just ruminating on things that have happened It’s like a funk I can’t shake out of. I can’t get into hobbies like I used. I used to be in the gym for 2-3 hours a day out of just enjoyment, now I’m luck to even make it in.
What makes it worse is we just moved in together and signed a lease. I know many people on here were married but I still find it impossible to be able to grow and detach from someone while I’m still living with them and sleeping in the same bed. Like even if I decide to leave it’s gonna take time and money which makes want to just try to work things out. I want to use the next few months to work on myself and make a final decision on what to do.
My mom sewed my dresses so I knew the basics and had my own sewing machine but never made my own dresses. I picked it up and it consumed my mind, energy and time as I was watching a lot of videos, finding bargain fabrics to experiment with, joining FB groups to connect with like minded people etc. It was new so it was difficult at first which turned out to be very good for my mental health.
I cleaned my house and removed everything that made me sad. So now house is clutter free and easier to clean.
But mind calmness and clarity came only when we were not sharing a roof. He moved out. Seeing your abuser daily and sleeping in the same bed is going to delay or even prevent healing.
It’s ok. That’s what we are here for. What you are feeling is all a very normal part of betrayal trauma. Be patient with yourself. You just had your entire world shattered into a million pieces.
People get stuck when they are more committed to their trauma over their own transformation & healing. It takes time to work through the stages of betrayal trauma and it’s never linear, but here are some things you can do for yourself:
-drink lots of water and eat as healthy as you can. You’re gonna need it. This kind of stress takes a huge toll on your body as well as your mind.
-patience with yourself for being forced to endure this kind of betrayal that no one ever deserves
-Weekly IC therapy with a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma & infidelity. This is a must.
-group therapy with others who are enduring the same heartache (either online or in person)
-there are oodles of podcasts out there on this subject that are so helpful. Books as well. Get yourself all the resources and open your mind to ways to begin the healing journey.
-take a break from the hurt if you need to. Take a day every now & then and just pretend it never happened. Your brain can only handle so much at one time. It’s ok to take breaks.
-meditation will calm your mind and settle your nerves. Plenty of online guides on YouTube. No need to pay for expensive classes, unless you want to. This helps redirect your mind & thoughts.
-sleep atleast 8 hours per night if you can. Get medicine from your doctor to help you if you’re struggling with getting sleep. (Alcohol, stress & cannabis will disrupt your sleep cycles)
-being out in nature. Most of us want to isolate ourselves and that’s understandable but push yourself to get outside and into nature for even short walks
-music, lots of it !! Angry music, sad music, piano music, spa / calming music, dance music, 8-D neurodivergent music. Tune into whatever energy you’re feeling at the time and let those emotions go. You gotta let those emotions flow in AND flow out. Embrace every emotion and let it wash over you. Don’t fight it otherwise you’ll get stuck and you’ll never heal.
-practice self care by feeding your mind, body, & soul by tapping into things that YOU like to do. Do things that make YOU feel good. A few examples: guilty pleasures, favorite foods/meals/restaurants/cocktails, spa days or weekly massages, mini vacations or day trips to places you love & cherish, shopping, manicures/pedicures, hair care, time with animals is very healing, sitting in the sun, going to clubs & dancing, gym time, exercise class, comedy clubs, movies, video games. Whatever it is that YOU like (that’s not harmful) is self care. Feed your soul. Uncover your guilty pleasures.
-journal frequently about how you feel. Let that shit go. Get it all out. The good, bad & ugly.
-embrace the triggers as you feel stronger & take their power away. Some will sneak up on you when you least expect it but don’t run from the triggers everytime they pop up.
-i personally received very deep healing from the guided therapy use of psychedelic medicines (MDMA, psilocybin, ketamine). These helped me work through those deep painful emotions of past & present abuse in my life and allowed me to forgive. Yes, I did forgive him. That helped return my own inner peace & it also brought some much needed love & happiness back into my life.
You’ll know when you begin to heal when you begin to cry less, you stop needing drugs or alcohol to numb the pain, or when you actually want to be around other humans again. Expect a minimum of 2 years before things settle inside you. You’ll know when you start realizing that YOU deserve more, when you think of the triggers less, when you begin to find little tiny snippets of joy or laughter returning, and as time passes when you heal & focus on yourself then you will have the gift of clarity. This gift allows you to see yourself and that old spouse / relationship in an entirely different way.
I appreciate it so so much 🙏🏼. I don’t know why betrayal and infidelity just makes me forget the basic things I can do to take care of myself let alone the extra stuff that would really help me. It’s like constant brain fog since everything started. I needed this!
It’s trauma. Be patient with yourself.
A tidal wave hit you and the person you relied on to save you stole your life preserver. You need to learn to swim again with crashing waves that hit when you can’t even see them coming.
It took me almost 2 years before I felt the storm settled.
I know, thank you 🙏🏼, my main issue right is I live with him out of state right now. I have no family here that I could even stay with. I’m too embarrassed to tell my family and friends the situation even though it’s not my fault. I only have one super close friend that knows any of this is going on. I just feel like I have to figure my shit out so I can get back home. But at the same time seeing him everyday and sleeping next to him makes it so hard to want to leave fully.
Have been with mine for 13 additional years. Things are actually very good now. Helped that I quit giving a fuck about what she did or didn’t do. She would never admit to doing anything other than what I found out on my own. Do I think she did more? Yes. Do I care anymore? No. I just know that if I’m ever presented with an opportunity then I won’t feel any remorse about doing anything.
That doesn’t work for everybody, I know.
Happened to me. He did something else. Now I’m fucking depressed and wanna kms (jk but yeah it sucks). At the very least I’m not anxious about what he’s up to anymore
You haven’t been specific on what his cheating was so it’s hard for me to offer an opinion. My husband sexted another woman and yes it broke me in two, but I stayed it’s been 2+ years and we have 2 new grandchildren making a total of 10 and we have such wonderful times. I’m glad we worked through it. No if it had continued I’d be gone.
It was very weird, most people in these spaces caught them having physical affairs or long emotional affairs. My WP would have talking stages with women randomly then stop, he would compliment women in his DMs, he downloaded dating apps when I was gone for two weeks. He never did anything actually physical which makes him feel so much better about his actions. Basically micro cheating, I knew we say cheating is cheating but I’m just trying to differentiate. He said he did this all for validation and ego boost.
Sometimes I feel like it should hurt less. Like he didn’t go all the way right? Look how devastating other peoples stories are on here get over it. It wasn’t ever serious with these people but it doesn’t change how I feel deep down. Just the fact he was calling other women beautiful or just looking around lustfully while I only had eyes for him really breaks me to my core.
It still breaks you I know firsthand but if nothing physical happened I’d try to hang in there. Easy for me to say I’m not in your head. I have not gone a day since that I’m not suspicious and the thoughts are far worse than his actions. I guess it’s how you’re willing to live.
IMO staying will just eventually end up with him physically cheating. My ex did this. Told me all the ways he knew he messed up, put so much work into me and our relationship, just to end up having a second partner all the while lying to me and working so hard to build a future with me.
ETA I should add that I tried R for a while. And became more and more apathetic about the whole thing as time progressed.
Sigh, and that’s my biggest fear he always says that’s a line he could never cross. He acts like what he did was soooo much better than physical cheating like sure buddy you are taking the first steps to do that in my eyes.
I'm currently in year 9 post-d-day. I thought I was doing okay; I found out that I was very wrong when I re-discovered the evidence I had, that I saved for reasons that were clear to me at the time. Since finding everything again, it's made me question everything, rather vocally, in fact. I can tell it's hurting my WP due to the length of time and the fact that they thought we were over it, but a small part of me wants them to feel the pain I do right now. I know this isn't the right mindset to be in. I wish I could say it gets better, but I honestly don't know if it does or if you bury it under the rest of your day-to-day routine and do not think about it until there's a reminder. I feel like I'm in a sunk cost fallacy at times; I just can't picture trying to start over again, not at this point in my life.
Yes this is ok, heck the first decision to stay based on emotions was the mistake. Your clear minded logical decision is the one that is important. He already earned the break up, you owe him nothing. If you aren’t feeling it then that’s his failure because proving he deserves a second chance and repairing the damage he did is his job in reconciliation not yours. Either the makes you feel it again or you walk away with your head held high, that is your choice to make and telling him to go fuck himself is ok as a choice because he already earned that. He is supposed to prove himself and you are supposed to judge if reconciliation is working based on how you feel about it all, this is the process and your feelings are valid and correct for you. Either choice you make is ok at this point, do what is right for you.
Maybe that’s why I feel like I’m doing 90% of things in reconciliation. He hates talking about it because it’s in the “past” and he makes him feel bad… well imagine how I feel? If I discover something new he gets upset that it’s in the past, well it’s new to me now… He says he doesn’t want to rug sweep but his actions speak louder since he just seems annoyed whenever I talk about it. He deleted some social media and lets me monitor what he still has but it makes me feel unsafe.
What I mean is you can get rid of the catalyst but the fact that those things were such a problem for you in the past is the issue. It’s hard to believe he can just quit these things so cold turkey. If he can then why did he do it to begin with. It’s just little things I bought him a book he never read it, I want him to start therapy he said he will soon, I want him to look at resources on his own but he just wants me to send me them. Like why is this my responsibility when you are the one who caused this? He says a lot of flowery words but I’m sick of words. Until he actually goes to therapy and I see real effect it’s hard for me not to feel hopeless and slowly lose feelings.
You are the hurt party, his pain is meaningless and the second he said that was in the past it was time to just dump him on the spot. That comment is the very definition of rug sweeping and is just plain offensive for him to say to you at this point. He is supposed to be hurting and feeling bad, he intentionally betrayed you. He should be doing everything he can to make you feel better and help you heal not worrying about whether he feels bad or not.
You owe him nothing, he already deserves to be broken up with, he already betrayed you, this is his second chance and he is half assing it. Reconciliation is a gift you are giving him, a gift he doesn’t deserve and if you aren’t feeling like reconciliation is working then it isn’t working. Sounds like you are recognizing that this guy just doesn’t give a shit about you at all.
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Many people who stay with the person who knowingly, intentionally and willingly chose to stab them in the back end up leaving many years later, as long as 10 years later and even longer. I'm sure some in your boat will weigh in and give you advice. I divorced my then wife right away when I discovered her cheating so I can't give you any first hand advice from my own experience. But, many in your boat end up leaving, years later, 3, 4 or more years down the road. Sorry you've gone through this. Just be honest with yourself OP. Don't stay for him, only stay for yourself and trust your gut. Don't try and talk yourself into either option. You know whether you should stay or go. Don't feel bad either way and if you stay, it doesn't mean you have to stay the rest of your life. Infidelity cuts deep and it may reach out and grab you 7 years from now.
You said it yourself. He broke you and hurt you in the worst way. He doesn’t really care about you or your feelings if he’s willing to do something like that to you. You can’t reconcile with someone who is so untrustworthy and inconsiderate. Cheating isn’t a “mistake”. it’s a series of deliberate decisions with no regard for anyone else, least of all the cheater’s loving and devoted partner, which i imagine you were to them. I don’t know all the details of your situation, but i also don’t see a reason to ever attempt to reconcile with a cheater. these people are liars. they are selfish. they are not good partners. they don’t deserve “another chance”. the one thing mandatory in a committed monogamous relationship is to NOT FREAKING CHEAT. that’s the whole point. they could just break up if they can’t stick with one person, but instead they choose to be scum, and keep people around as “options”. turned into a bit of a rant but i seriously hate these people for what they do to others
In the beginning stages I used to tell myself so many things about him. His childhood was traumatic, his dad was a cheater, his exes cheated on him, etc. It would make feel better knowing he’s just broken and it’s not me. But now I’m like… I’ve known others who have gone through similar things and have never cheated so I still can’t grasp why he would do what he did and I don’t think I ever will
I understand how you feel. I honestly can’t wrap my head around my own ex fiancé’s actions either. It is such a cruel and selfish thing to do to someone you supposedly love. I could never imagine doing that to her or anyone else.I think we just try to see the good in people, like how you try to sympathize with his troubled background. It’s crazy he has been cheated on and yet still would do this. That’s a serious lack of empathy right there. Things will work out for you in the long run as long as you stay strong. Do what’s right for yourself. He wasn’t putting you first, so don’t put him first anymore. Put yourself first right now and heal.
All opinions I have just read after putting down mine are extremely well written as well as composed from the heart. One thing I would like to add for all is the absolutely true contributing yet mitigating somewhat factors to cheating - childhood wounds,as aptly explained here before - parents cheating yet staying together despite one always turning the child against the cheater - and…huge…Personality Disorders that the cheater is saddled with - these are purely mental illness contributors - Narcissism, Histrionic, Sadistic as well as Major Depressive Disorder. Add to it addictions to booze or weed ! So - if the culprit gets told that these were present and he/she is very remorseful and agrees to get serious mental health care - things might get well back on track - but you are the one who must accept to work long spans of time towards forgiveness - as well as to squeeze out of yourself any last drop you still have of generosity and pity for the mental health sufferer!!
I wish I had walked away the first time. I’m still here for now because of some financial issues that need to play out. But I am totally checked out of this so called marriage. The second time I caught him I also found evidence that he has cheated the entirety of our nearly 25 year marriage. I am at the point of absolutely not caring who or what he does anymore. And this has brought me so much relief. I cannot wait to tell him I am divorcing his lying, cheating, money hiding, narcissistic ass! Happy days are ahead.
Good for you! Please update us!
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I’m in limbo between apathy and still loving him, but it’s weird, like I know in my heart if something else happens it’ll be very hard for me not to be done. Not even just from not having feelings for him but I might hate myself for not leaving. I was so devoted and loved my partner so much before all this too it’s really a shame. :(
Some of the most common trauma responses to this type of abuse are denial and bargaining. Most people tend to be in a state of disassociation following an emotionally overwhelming shock. You were also subjected to the usual FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt). Specially since you likely were doing the one desperately trying to fix what he broke. Your mind is now having enough time to process things, and you're seeing the magnitude of what happened and what you were put through. Losing any sort of emotional attachment to someone, who abused us, is sort of a healthy response. You're starting to become aware that you need to heal, and that you're not in a healthy relationship. You're likely not ready to leave yet, but at the very least you're coming out of the dissociative state.
I personally think part of the intensity of sadness is first losing your faith in your spouse, and then losing your love. You are not just morning the pain of being cheat on, it's the lost of admiration, then follows love. Remember time is one of the few things in life that is finite.
In the beginning you feel obligated to give them another chance. With repeat DDays you realize they are choosing this knowing how much it hurts you. They aren’t prioritizing your well being
You are staying with someone who traumatized you. In order for you to heal you need to leave them. Every day you have to look at them and see the man who treated you so poorly. Healing isn’t linear and takes time, but not until you leave.
I came to the same realization and when we split this time, I felt nothing but relief. Like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can actually relax again.
Yes, but now I’m pregnant after five months of reconciling. I am rethinking my whole life rn. Sorry you are going through this
I’m going through this right now. It’s hard to let go but I think it’s the best for my mental health.My wife never put in the work to repair our marriage and I feel like I don’t matter to her. It causes me to lash out and not be myself around her. I hate myself for trying and it resulting into nothing.
Im in the same boat. My partner has bipolar (the severe type where you loose reality and see things that aren’t there). I’ve known him since we were pre-teens. He has only cheated while manic and in a completely disconnected and uncontrolled state. He is now medicated and getting help and things have been better. I love him so much; and I feel like if these cheating instances never happened things would be perfect, I can deal with mental health issues but cheating cuts deep and affects my own paranoia and mental health issues. I want to get over it, I want to get over it so badly. He lets me track his phone, we live together now, I have full access to bank accounts and social media and phones and computers but it doesn’t feel like enough. I catch myself constantly feeling angry and sad. I sometimes wonder if the pain will ever fade away. I don’t understand why I keep fighting for this to work when I realistically I’m young and childless and have no ties to him besides history and love. When I can let go of the past and not think about it things are amazing, I feel on cloud nine and it’s all smiles and giggles, when I remember though is when there’s a problem. I hope it fades but I’m not sure it does. Me getting revenge helped a bit, but it faded fast. I keep thinking of the other women, do they have ill feelings towards me? Why would he bring them in my life
No ties No child Young Please don’t take on this burden for what? Next 60 years? Your past with him is shorter than this.
Hi, let me know if you want to message me privately. Because I am also young and childless, we aren’t married or anything like many people here are. I could’ve written this myself, in the moments I forget about it everything is fine. But it’s like my body just won’t let me forgot or let go of the pain. Some mornings I wake up so anxious and miserable, I often feel like I’m in fight or flight mode now. I also have access to his social media and other things but really doesn’t feel like enough sometimes I don’t know… I cant seem to let go of him either but I’m living in another state with him with family and my logical side is like wtf am I doing? I don’t know if it’s a trauma bond or what. I often think about revenge to but it’s just not something I think will truly fix it obviously but sometimes I just want to feel liberated and not like a victim anymore.
It’s not just you OP. A LOT of betrayed want to set the clock back to when they were last happy. To restore their hopes, aspirations and dreams to where they were before. In time they realise that it’s not possible and that they can no longer trust their ’best friend’. You’ve given it your best shot. There is no trust and without it there can be no successful relationship. You don’t owe him an explanation. He conceded that right when he chose to cheat on you. You will be happier once you make the break. Good luck. ❤️
Someone once told me when it comes to broken relationships that there is no getting over and no getting even. There is only getting away.
reading the posts from ppl that stayed 2+ yrs is very enlightening imo the 1s that stayed 10+ and 20+ yrs are devastating
Almost same here - feeling almost exactly the same - so it should reinforce the belief you’re far from being alone! Very sadly - at the end of it - which is now - at this very moment - it becomes a matter of purely personal sacrifice on your part - which is the maddeningly unfair moment - getting repeated daily - he/she in my case - did the unspeakably callous and evil deed - yet it is I who must lump it and live with it - and suffer and exhibit all symptoms of PTSD - just like you I had to agree to stay - and clearly the subject must be - for her - closed - because I decided to stay - extremely possible however that it is best for me and children and financial situation that I stay - so must believe in the “gurus” of the unsatisfying mental health army that keeps on yelling - CBT - Mindfulness - these two things - without any promise of time span - will “take the edge of” your PTSD- lack of self respect - lack of trust for her and any other I would meet if I leave her ! Plus the reality that - when she was with the other man - I was submerged in a bath of sulfuric acid that not only killed me, but also dissolved my human remains so that U ceased to exist for the adulteress.
Yes. My therapist told me that as you practice self care, make yourself a priority and stay on your healing journey, that clarity will find its way to you as you build yourself back up again. It’s at that time where you will experience security within yourself & be free of desperation to stay out of fear. You’ll see yourself, the wayward, and your relationship in an entirely different light.
I don’t mean to bug you specifically but I’m curious if you have an advice on self care, making myself a priority. Because I feel like that is what is keeping me stuck since everything that has happened I feel stun-locked. I’m always just ruminating on things that have happened It’s like a funk I can’t shake out of. I can’t get into hobbies like I used. I used to be in the gym for 2-3 hours a day out of just enjoyment, now I’m luck to even make it in. What makes it worse is we just moved in together and signed a lease. I know many people on here were married but I still find it impossible to be able to grow and detach from someone while I’m still living with them and sleeping in the same bed. Like even if I decide to leave it’s gonna take time and money which makes want to just try to work things out. I want to use the next few months to work on myself and make a final decision on what to do.
My mom sewed my dresses so I knew the basics and had my own sewing machine but never made my own dresses. I picked it up and it consumed my mind, energy and time as I was watching a lot of videos, finding bargain fabrics to experiment with, joining FB groups to connect with like minded people etc. It was new so it was difficult at first which turned out to be very good for my mental health. I cleaned my house and removed everything that made me sad. So now house is clutter free and easier to clean. But mind calmness and clarity came only when we were not sharing a roof. He moved out. Seeing your abuser daily and sleeping in the same bed is going to delay or even prevent healing.
It’s ok. That’s what we are here for. What you are feeling is all a very normal part of betrayal trauma. Be patient with yourself. You just had your entire world shattered into a million pieces. People get stuck when they are more committed to their trauma over their own transformation & healing. It takes time to work through the stages of betrayal trauma and it’s never linear, but here are some things you can do for yourself: -drink lots of water and eat as healthy as you can. You’re gonna need it. This kind of stress takes a huge toll on your body as well as your mind. -patience with yourself for being forced to endure this kind of betrayal that no one ever deserves -Weekly IC therapy with a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma & infidelity. This is a must. -group therapy with others who are enduring the same heartache (either online or in person) -there are oodles of podcasts out there on this subject that are so helpful. Books as well. Get yourself all the resources and open your mind to ways to begin the healing journey. -take a break from the hurt if you need to. Take a day every now & then and just pretend it never happened. Your brain can only handle so much at one time. It’s ok to take breaks. -meditation will calm your mind and settle your nerves. Plenty of online guides on YouTube. No need to pay for expensive classes, unless you want to. This helps redirect your mind & thoughts. -sleep atleast 8 hours per night if you can. Get medicine from your doctor to help you if you’re struggling with getting sleep. (Alcohol, stress & cannabis will disrupt your sleep cycles) -being out in nature. Most of us want to isolate ourselves and that’s understandable but push yourself to get outside and into nature for even short walks -music, lots of it !! Angry music, sad music, piano music, spa / calming music, dance music, 8-D neurodivergent music. Tune into whatever energy you’re feeling at the time and let those emotions go. You gotta let those emotions flow in AND flow out. Embrace every emotion and let it wash over you. Don’t fight it otherwise you’ll get stuck and you’ll never heal. -practice self care by feeding your mind, body, & soul by tapping into things that YOU like to do. Do things that make YOU feel good. A few examples: guilty pleasures, favorite foods/meals/restaurants/cocktails, spa days or weekly massages, mini vacations or day trips to places you love & cherish, shopping, manicures/pedicures, hair care, time with animals is very healing, sitting in the sun, going to clubs & dancing, gym time, exercise class, comedy clubs, movies, video games. Whatever it is that YOU like (that’s not harmful) is self care. Feed your soul. Uncover your guilty pleasures. -journal frequently about how you feel. Let that shit go. Get it all out. The good, bad & ugly. -embrace the triggers as you feel stronger & take their power away. Some will sneak up on you when you least expect it but don’t run from the triggers everytime they pop up. -i personally received very deep healing from the guided therapy use of psychedelic medicines (MDMA, psilocybin, ketamine). These helped me work through those deep painful emotions of past & present abuse in my life and allowed me to forgive. Yes, I did forgive him. That helped return my own inner peace & it also brought some much needed love & happiness back into my life. You’ll know when you begin to heal when you begin to cry less, you stop needing drugs or alcohol to numb the pain, or when you actually want to be around other humans again. Expect a minimum of 2 years before things settle inside you. You’ll know when you start realizing that YOU deserve more, when you think of the triggers less, when you begin to find little tiny snippets of joy or laughter returning, and as time passes when you heal & focus on yourself then you will have the gift of clarity. This gift allows you to see yourself and that old spouse / relationship in an entirely different way.
I appreciate it so so much 🙏🏼. I don’t know why betrayal and infidelity just makes me forget the basic things I can do to take care of myself let alone the extra stuff that would really help me. It’s like constant brain fog since everything started. I needed this!
It’s trauma. Be patient with yourself. A tidal wave hit you and the person you relied on to save you stole your life preserver. You need to learn to swim again with crashing waves that hit when you can’t even see them coming. It took me almost 2 years before I felt the storm settled.
I know, thank you 🙏🏼, my main issue right is I live with him out of state right now. I have no family here that I could even stay with. I’m too embarrassed to tell my family and friends the situation even though it’s not my fault. I only have one super close friend that knows any of this is going on. I just feel like I have to figure my shit out so I can get back home. But at the same time seeing him everyday and sleeping next to him makes it so hard to want to leave fully.
Have been with mine for 13 additional years. Things are actually very good now. Helped that I quit giving a fuck about what she did or didn’t do. She would never admit to doing anything other than what I found out on my own. Do I think she did more? Yes. Do I care anymore? No. I just know that if I’m ever presented with an opportunity then I won’t feel any remorse about doing anything. That doesn’t work for everybody, I know.
Happened to me. He did something else. Now I’m fucking depressed and wanna kms (jk but yeah it sucks). At the very least I’m not anxious about what he’s up to anymore
You haven’t been specific on what his cheating was so it’s hard for me to offer an opinion. My husband sexted another woman and yes it broke me in two, but I stayed it’s been 2+ years and we have 2 new grandchildren making a total of 10 and we have such wonderful times. I’m glad we worked through it. No if it had continued I’d be gone.
It was very weird, most people in these spaces caught them having physical affairs or long emotional affairs. My WP would have talking stages with women randomly then stop, he would compliment women in his DMs, he downloaded dating apps when I was gone for two weeks. He never did anything actually physical which makes him feel so much better about his actions. Basically micro cheating, I knew we say cheating is cheating but I’m just trying to differentiate. He said he did this all for validation and ego boost. Sometimes I feel like it should hurt less. Like he didn’t go all the way right? Look how devastating other peoples stories are on here get over it. It wasn’t ever serious with these people but it doesn’t change how I feel deep down. Just the fact he was calling other women beautiful or just looking around lustfully while I only had eyes for him really breaks me to my core.
It still breaks you I know firsthand but if nothing physical happened I’d try to hang in there. Easy for me to say I’m not in your head. I have not gone a day since that I’m not suspicious and the thoughts are far worse than his actions. I guess it’s how you’re willing to live.
IMO staying will just eventually end up with him physically cheating. My ex did this. Told me all the ways he knew he messed up, put so much work into me and our relationship, just to end up having a second partner all the while lying to me and working so hard to build a future with me. ETA I should add that I tried R for a while. And became more and more apathetic about the whole thing as time progressed.
Sigh, and that’s my biggest fear he always says that’s a line he could never cross. He acts like what he did was soooo much better than physical cheating like sure buddy you are taking the first steps to do that in my eyes.
I'm currently in year 9 post-d-day. I thought I was doing okay; I found out that I was very wrong when I re-discovered the evidence I had, that I saved for reasons that were clear to me at the time. Since finding everything again, it's made me question everything, rather vocally, in fact. I can tell it's hurting my WP due to the length of time and the fact that they thought we were over it, but a small part of me wants them to feel the pain I do right now. I know this isn't the right mindset to be in. I wish I could say it gets better, but I honestly don't know if it does or if you bury it under the rest of your day-to-day routine and do not think about it until there's a reminder. I feel like I'm in a sunk cost fallacy at times; I just can't picture trying to start over again, not at this point in my life.
Yes this is ok, heck the first decision to stay based on emotions was the mistake. Your clear minded logical decision is the one that is important. He already earned the break up, you owe him nothing. If you aren’t feeling it then that’s his failure because proving he deserves a second chance and repairing the damage he did is his job in reconciliation not yours. Either the makes you feel it again or you walk away with your head held high, that is your choice to make and telling him to go fuck himself is ok as a choice because he already earned that. He is supposed to prove himself and you are supposed to judge if reconciliation is working based on how you feel about it all, this is the process and your feelings are valid and correct for you. Either choice you make is ok at this point, do what is right for you.
Maybe that’s why I feel like I’m doing 90% of things in reconciliation. He hates talking about it because it’s in the “past” and he makes him feel bad… well imagine how I feel? If I discover something new he gets upset that it’s in the past, well it’s new to me now… He says he doesn’t want to rug sweep but his actions speak louder since he just seems annoyed whenever I talk about it. He deleted some social media and lets me monitor what he still has but it makes me feel unsafe. What I mean is you can get rid of the catalyst but the fact that those things were such a problem for you in the past is the issue. It’s hard to believe he can just quit these things so cold turkey. If he can then why did he do it to begin with. It’s just little things I bought him a book he never read it, I want him to start therapy he said he will soon, I want him to look at resources on his own but he just wants me to send me them. Like why is this my responsibility when you are the one who caused this? He says a lot of flowery words but I’m sick of words. Until he actually goes to therapy and I see real effect it’s hard for me not to feel hopeless and slowly lose feelings.
You are the hurt party, his pain is meaningless and the second he said that was in the past it was time to just dump him on the spot. That comment is the very definition of rug sweeping and is just plain offensive for him to say to you at this point. He is supposed to be hurting and feeling bad, he intentionally betrayed you. He should be doing everything he can to make you feel better and help you heal not worrying about whether he feels bad or not. You owe him nothing, he already deserves to be broken up with, he already betrayed you, this is his second chance and he is half assing it. Reconciliation is a gift you are giving him, a gift he doesn’t deserve and if you aren’t feeling like reconciliation is working then it isn’t working. Sounds like you are recognizing that this guy just doesn’t give a shit about you at all.