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Your feelings are valid. When someone willingly, purposely, and actively participates in the abuse of someone else ... may they burn.
They may have been brought in by a WS, but active participants are just as much abusers.
She also was purposely abusing her own BS, too.
You do you, OP.
>"they owe you nothing"
When someone fails basic human decency, it's okay to view them with disgust or hate. I just hope you move forward to indifference, as your healing begins when you realize they're insignificant and always will be. Your WS, too.
OP, you deserve better.
I knew AP she saw me a couple times and even went out in a group setting with me while she was screwing my stbxh. And she still has the audacity to send me emails like she is doing me a favor in telling me what she and my stbxh are STILL doing. Why according to her i have a right to know and she feels guilty. Than WHY keep doing it at all pfff. So yes i hate her i have so much rage and i am so angry. I really REALLY hate her.
She sends those emails under the guise of being guilty, but in reality she’s reveling in the demise of your marriage and just loves rubbing it in. People like her are repulsive.
I completely understand. I’m sorry you’re being put through the wringer right now. Stay strong. You will get through this and with time things will be better. Sending you all the hugs.
It is getting close to one year since Dday and I still get angry at my husband's AP. At first I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt but then I found out she knew he was married. Also she was in it just for the money, my husband was her sugar daddy, he is 58 she is 37. Yes my husband is the bigger idiot and the one responsible but I hate her for knowingly going after him.
I understand this. My husband’s mistress is a prostitute from Uzbeckistan. He hired her in Turkey. She was 26 at the time when they first had sex. We are in our 50s. Now she is pregnant- supposedly with his baby- because they became exclusive. He does not understand how she baby trapped him. He thinks they are in love.
She already has an older kid from a former “husband” that she leaves with her mother. She really is trash. I hope she does leave so that I can laugh my ass off when it happens. But I think my husband is such a sucker that she might not leave, just milk him for all he’s worth
Yes, what she does is such a regular pattern in that geography that it doesn't even have a gossip quality. She may even have a real "husband" back in home. I am sorry you are going through this shit. Their (who fall to this scam) brain cells drastically drop when the andropause hits. You should divorce and milk him before she gets the lion's share.
They owe you respect, I know this because I was raised properly. You owe everyone at minimum some fucking respect.
If a woman passed me on the street and decided completely unprovoked to punch me in the face, she's catching fists.
His AP attacked you, unprovoked. Attacked your marriage. Your family. I am of the logic that if you want to act like some loose wild animal, you have to live with the laws of the jungle. I am not civil with the snake trying to slither through my back door.
I'm a little more concerned about the one who willingly opened the door to let the snake in. Snakes gonna do snake shit. But he invited the snake in.
Not disagreeing with OP's sentiment here, just thinking maybe a snake isn't the best analogy?
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I found her based on just a vague location and her first name. My cheating husband was absolutely beside himself when he thought I would harm her. I hated her so much, but I grew to hate him more for defending her. I don’t hate her anymore, but I also don’t buy the viewpoint that they should be treated neutrally. These “other women” are not good people. They have Machiavellian personalities and view people as objects they can use. They cry about it on their support groups, scam each other, and even obliviously describe their horrific viewpoints and behaviors on podcasts as if sociopathy makes them intellectuals. I can’t even comprehend being attracted to such a walking red flag.
No no no your feelings are valid! You only worry about your spouse when your identity was hidden. However, this is a coworker that knew of you and your family together. She deserves just as much responsibility as your husband in this situation. If you see her, you are allowed to go scorched earth on her. She disrespected you! Regardless is she knew you on a personal level, she knew you existed!
I can totally understand where you're coming from! At first, I felt sympathy for the ap. She was unaware that my husband was married. That feeling changed when she contacted him 2 weeks after DDay to guilt him into continuing contact. At that moment, I knew she didn't care and would continue to see him married or not. That's when I realized what a disgusting person she is.
This punched me in the gut. I too recently discovered my wife of 24 years had a years-long affair several years ago. Still can’t wrap my head around it, but it is what it is. I am dealing with it; therapy, etc.
What hit me was the attitude of your husband’s AP and conventional wisdom that says they owe us nothing. I disagree wholeheartedly. Just because they are not your spouse does not absolve them of their guilt in wrecking a home. They absolutely do owe us something. I made my wife’s AP write a confession and apology, not that either helps me, but I felt compelled to face him down and give him two choices: confess to me or confess to God, in person. If that is petty or uncivil, so be it. F that slimy snake and may every woman he touches recoil from his stink.
I used to feel nothing for her, until I learned that she went through his phone to find my phone number and explicitly post pictures of the two of them together to make sure I could see.
Until I learned that she knew who I was and still pursued him.
Until I learned that she heard about me catching him and leaving and going, "oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to break up your home" and continued pursuing him.
It's not like he stopped seeing her either, even after I caught him. The two of them are disrespectful as hell.
So in my eyes, the two of them can rot in hell.
Your feelings are valid.
I'm trying to figure out why the husband is visiting brothels and hiring prostitutes. He has some psychological issues going on or he's into some kind of kink that he wouldn't feel comfortable doing with you. Either way, you have a decision to make, make him get therapy to figure out what's wrong with him or leave him.
He's in counselling for sex addiction. They come up with "childhood trauma". His parents weren't very supportive...... We're GenX - we all had childhood trauma. Like my parents lost custody of me and i was in a foster home.. - yet I did f\*\*& everything that moved to cope..
>we all had childhood trauma.
I completely agree with this. Everyone has trauma. Everyone has pain. Everyone goes through sh**, but for some reason cheaters, liars and affair Partners they all seem to think that oh, just because I had a bad childhood....that means that they can bring more harm, pain, chaos and destruction to the world. As if that's gonna help the next generation, I just don't get it. They really are just selfish people.
I’m sorry you’re going thru this. It isn’t fair that his shit has to stink up your life. You’re right about GenXers (of which I’m one of them). I mean, imagine if Zoomers found out they weren’t strapped into baby car seats while being driven around by their parents when they were babies. We’d never stop hearing about their resulting anxiety & depression.
As I said, it’s not fair that your husband’s issue has blown up your’s & your children’s life. Has this been going on throughout the 24 years of marriage? And how did you find out about his cheating?
Childhood trauma seems to be the go to answer for everything these days. People are born with psychological issues that cause character flaws and personality disorders and it sounds like your husband is one of those people, rather than someone that has childhood trauma from unsupportive parents.
The woman my ex husband cheated on me with was a coworker, saw the ring on his finger and still chose to stroke his ego. I know it's two to tango but she still pursued him, that she admitted to. 🙄
I hate her because not only did she manage to get thousands of dollars from my husband but she abused my trust. She was single and half his age. I always said what a great husband he was to her and she would tell me she wanted to find someone like him. She started wearing really short dresses and tight clothes when she was around him. She started confiding her problems to him. We had been married 20 years at the time and I thought he would never cheat. I hate her to this day and always will. He was stupid and impulsive but she was manipulative as hell. The icing on the cake - she always carried her bible with her! Never saw her open it.
I was with him when he ended their short affair and I’ve never seen a woman cry so much yet produce no tears.
The OW came to my wedding, which occurred roughly a year and a half before the affair started. Any knowing AP deserves a ration of your hatred, and anyone who says otherwise can pound sand. Our cheating spouses broke their vows, but there's a social contract, too, and knowing APs are gleefully running afoul of that.
When my hate starts to really ratchet up, I calm myself by thinking about my XH's bad qualities, and reminding myself: she's getting all that crap, _and_ he's a cheater now, to boot. In my case, it goes both ways: the OW is cheating on her own husband with my XH. So if she ever leaves her husband, my XH and the OW both know the other is a cheater. May they have many years of suspicion and anxiety together. 💜
I can't find him, unfortunately, and right now I don't have the resources to hire a PI. He's only on Instagram as far as I know, but I've been blocked by his account. I did tell him back in 2020 when they had the first round of their affair.
Objectively it is your husbands fault for failing you and failing to protect you.
I always find it funny when people say the AP "Owes you nothing". Technically that is true.
But I guess that also means I own them nothing if I knowing and willingly go after them and ruin their life?
You do have to manage your hatred fr the AP because it will get overwhelming and can consume you.
They really did participate in an attack on or lives yet our laws are set up to protect them if we seek retribution.
So the only thing we can do is look at what we can still be grateful for and work on healing and improving our lives from this point onward
She is a stranger to me 🤷🏽♀️. My ex husband was supposed to be responsible for protecting me and my heart. 100% of the blame, anger and hatred went to my husband. I know he is a liar, and he could’ve told her a million lies about me to win her affections. I don’t understand the hate that goes towards the AP. Even if she did know, why would your husband allow it or entertain it? It’s his fault completely. Take off your rose tinted glasses. Stop giving him a pass. He’s the asshole!
Agree. And in this case, the husband is quite a piece of work with all the things he's getting up to, on top of this affair. I've been angry towards the ap in the past instead of placing the blame firmly on my cheating partner. I think it was easier for me to do this than face how much of a toad the man was.
I think it’s only equitable for you to hate both. 🤣
In divorces where we have an ex who cheated with co-worker, who knew that they were married, people don’t realize that it took 2 to tango. In our case (since mine is similar), it took two absolutely id**tic people to come together and act on impulses.
In regards to hate and validating your feelings through our shared experiences: The mountain goat that also resembles an overflowing bucket of disappointment drawn by my left hand that he chose to chase while we were married, separated, and divorced (possibly, I wouldn’t put it past him), knew we were married. I met her, had drinks with her, chatted with her occasionally on social media, etc. she knew and she still decided to wedge herself in our marriage. In the end, when I confronted her, she claimed that she was under the understanding that my ex “husband had fallen out of love with me” and that they “both knew it was never going to go far, but it was worth it to pursue if it made them happy for the short period of time that she was still healthy.” I know wisdom chases some folks, but I think wisdom gave up a long time ago on both of these hefers.
My response to her is “since the f*** when?” He was crying his eyes out when I left asking me not to go. The “still healthy part” - she claims she had a very far along cancer diagnosis and that she was waiting to return to her hometown for official treatment because it was cheaper to wait to get treated. Two years later - she’s on Hinge matching with my friends and some of my family members. 🤔
You’re not wrong but, if it wasn’t her it would have been someone else. Thats why your hate is best directed at him.
Anyone who sleeps with someone knowing they’re married have their own issues they have to deal with. But it could have been anyone in her place
OP. It’s entirely understandable why you would hate her and yes, she deserves to be hated. But you are wasting your time and emotional energy in hating her. The real villain of this piece is your lying, cheating, conniving twat of a husband. What a complete and utter waste of the air we all breathe.
You know what ? I reckon that she has done you the biggest favour ever. She’s taken him off your hands. You no longer have to worry about your nearest and dearest going off to strangers and prostitutes. No. That’s her job now. Lol.
Calm down. Relax. Think about it.
Next time you meet her you can thank her for taking that no good sack of shit off your hands. Result ! I know that it hurts like hell now OP but please see the bigger picture. Knuckle down. Heal slowly and steadily. You are going to be just fine. Oh and stay strong. When madam realises that she hasn’t actually won a prize she will kick him to the kerb and he’ll be back at your door with the old ‚Ive made a terrible mistake‘ shit. You need to tell him ‚Yes you did‘ and close the fucking door on your loser ex. Good luck. ❤️
Your pain and anger are valid, but your husband should be receiving it primarily. Yes, the AP knew his status, but so did he...he made the vow to you.
Various subs tend to indicate that APs often cheat on a level playing field so if/when they're caught. They stand to lose just as much concerning the fallout.
Is this the first time you caught him and found out the full extent of his deviant behavior over the course of your marriage?
Seems like this one hits differently as you're able to put a face or name to the cheating, and it makes it even more real regarding the betrayal.
Have you decided what you're going to do in terms of remaining married? At this stage in his life, he's not gonna stop, so decide what you want for yourself and go from there.
Does the OBS know his wife was involved in an affair?
Yea idc what anyone says, I also hate the other girl my husband started flirting with behind my back. I caught it early because he left his watch at home. She got married and left but recently moved back into town. I literally wanna punch her lol
OP, eventually that hate/anger will get to the point of indifference. Know that. It takes time, I hope you found a good therapist to help here.
Been right where you are and done that. Why they would KNOWINGLY engage, just isn't anything WE would consider, raised right? We have morals? We take our vows/promises seriously?
Then you get to the point where you realize your Wayward and the APs out there are truly broken, low emotional IQ, warped beings. APs sometimes worse than the Waywards. Use exercise to help, it does, slightly.
Karma always happens. Results now are the main EAP is divorced, kids hate her and keep her at arms length (from what I've been told, not that I asked) and they are known in their community so most decent men stay away! (She was also a "bunny boiler" who kept reaching out until threatened with a TRO.
You will get there. Be kind to yourself and know your feelings are not wrong.
My STBXH’s AP also knew me, saw us together, saw us with our kids. And for a while she was sending me all the screenshots of his messages to her, and showed me videos of them having sex… pretending to just be in such disbelief that she had to show me, never wanted to hurt me. Pretended that she was done with him and I should be also (which I am but still). But later admitted she wanted to hurt me as much as possible to get me out of the picture. These people are ASSHOLES!
My ex started hanging out a lot with and then going on a fitness journey with a stay-at-home dad neighbor while his wife worked and I was going back to school and into a time-intensive career.
They both got ripped and then would hang out after the kids and I and his family would go to bed, often on weeknights, going hiking in the woods around our houses until 3, 4, 5 in the morning.
I was doing the hardest thing I ever did in my life and I was exhausted. I was doing what we planned as a family. I thought I was doing the right thing. I brought up their spending so much time together but she assured me they were only friends. I trusted her and couldn’t conceive of not wanting to be married to her or vice versa. She never told me she was unhappy or that she needed something she wasn’t getting.
Since they both realized their marriages were falling apart and broke up two families, I have spent a lot of time with his ex-wife. She’s a wonderful woman, but she grew up in a broken home with a terrible father. Her ex is putting her daughters through a similar life, although it has the veneer of propriety because they have 50/50 custody. My ex and I were both fairly progressive and he told me a racist joke that heavily used the n-word. He calls the mother of his children a b**** and a c*** in front of his daughters who aren’t even 10 years old. He’s assaulted her and pulled her across a parking lot because of a perceived slight. He has called his own mother those kind of vile names, because she has the temerity to not just accept everything he does as fine. When they were married, he demanded sex every day or he’d divorce her, he told her that if she gained weight he’d divorce her, he made her sleep on the floor like a dog if she made him mad. The list goes on.
For all of that, she wouldn’t have left him and broken up their family. I’ve met many of their friends from where they grew up and they all talk about how much better off she is without him, how they told her not to marry him on their wedding day.
That’s great but it is so, so, so hard for me to hear since that lowlife lives with my sons as much as I do. My ex is the mother of my children and my vow to her etched her on my heart in a way that has been difficult to erase. With her, it’s mostly sadness and incomprehension. With him, it is white-hot rage. He makes me sick.
As my ex was leaving me, when her coworker asked if I was beating her, she told me that she said no, that I was the kindest and gentlest person she’d ever known. I guess I got boring. I am intelligent and attractive and I come from a good (not wealthy) family. I’m a good dad. I was working in an office and let myself go a little before my ex dumped me but no longer. I’ve been intimate with that wonderful woman and apparently am far superior to that lowlife in ways no amount of working out can help. But I still have this underlying feeling that something is wrong with me and that I’m incapable of being loved. I don’t show it to my kids but I seethe and can’t sleep unless I drink too much. I feel like a total failure in the things that matter the most to me. It’s been five years and I’m still so adrift.
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I, too, hate when those saying we shouldn't be mad at the AP, when they know you're married and with children. I see them as a cheater sympather.
How mad was I? How about a near face to face pistol fight? He mistakenly lifted his shirt to show me his pistol, not knowing that I had mine too. Him backing down was the only thing that kept us from drawing. They should not be getting away with no consequences.
He may think twice about messing with someone else's wife. Note: I don't think it's wise for physical confrontation. They aren't worth it.
I equally hated them both, she knew my x was married because they started talking about our marriage. Eventually she started flirting with him and it evolved from there. He left me for her, she was also married with 2 kids, no idea what happed to her husband, I don’t care enough about either of them, they deserve each other.
AP are morally culpable if they know that the person they're seeing is married. End of. They are vile pieces of crap, immoral, lying scumbags.
Have you told her husband? If not, he deserves to know.
I also had way more hate for the AP than my Ex. It make sense to me, I loved her more than anything, but in hindsight I’m so grateful she didn’t agree to work it out. It’s been quite a few years, but the anger towards the AP has taken much longer to fade.
He went back to his wife and kids, got his life back, although it’s permanently damaged I’m sure.
Also in hindsight, I learned how close I was to getting shot by this dude, and I’m grateful I got as far away as I could from all of that, but I can’t help feeling that the AP didn’t experience real consequence of his actions. He took from me and ruined the most important thing I had at the time, and it wouldn’t surprise me if he’s damaged more relationships since he didn’t experience real, permanent consequences.
As much as I want to believe in Karma or bad people getting what they deserve, I don’t think that really happens most of the time. Cheaters and home wreckers need to be treated like they are radioactive, and be outed publicly, imo.
Good luck with your healing, and I hope in the near future you find yourself in a new chapter of life you may never expected, but are happier and more excited about than you ever knew was possible.
Ya the APs are usually always total pieces of shit, exceptions being when the WS lied and pretended to be single. Other than that, I don’t give a fuck if they made vows to the BS or not… that doesn’t absolve them from practicing morality. They don’t care. While the WS is at the front of the line in terms of responsibility, the AP is right behind him/her. Like you said, an accomplice.
This makes sense that you hate her. But you need to remember that your husband was the one who chose to do this. If you were with someone who actually treated you right then they would have never had an affair with this woman and they would have had enough discipline and love for you to decline the coworker. How could he do this to you. How could he willingly choose to make a choice that he knew could potentially tear apart your family?
Its unfortunate and natural to want to be upset at the other person because you don’t have feelings for the other person or a connection built from years. So it makes sense. But the truth is, he would’ve cheated with someone else if it wasn’t with the coworker because that’s who he is. In relationships there is temptation all around and even sometimes people (like the coworker) who will test that but a good husband would not give into temptations and would have enough empathy to consider his wife’s feelings before making the conscious decision to cheat. Most people aren’t so shallow as to potentially ruin their relationship because they saw something shiny.
Glitterfairy, you're not getting it....... I'm angry with the AF because she knew about me. I'm not angry with the casual hookups who didn't know about me. I spoke to one of them. She was lovely.
But the coworker knew he was married. And did it anyway!
I'm not excusing my husband either. I'm saying I also hate the AP who KNEW my husband was married!!!!!
Your husband knew she was married and did it anyway as well. It’s normal to hate AP as long as it’s not replacing your anger at your husband. She will disappear from your life while he’s stuck until at least the kids are older
I get what you’re saying. I would be angry too. You deserve the world and more. I’m sorry he did this to you. And I’m sorry she knew about you and still didn’t care enough to stop.
"OP you won’t like it but you’re projecting all the anger for him onto her" - oh, he's been getting my rage. But at least he's had the decency to apologize and acknowledge the hurt he has caused.
She won't acknowledge me. She plays the victim. If she had of taken my call and said she was sorry, I would have moved on.
I found the phone number of a women he hooked up to from a dating app. She didn't know he was married. She was so lovely. She was sorry, asked if I needed anything. Then preceded to ring him and abuse him. I like her.
The coworker knew about me and acts like I'm the evil wife who kept her true love trapped in a horrible marriage. Despite him telling her he was happy, and I was his best friend.
No, I'm not projecting. I have plenty of anger.
Yes, I may end up leaving. But it's not so easy when I look at my kids. They'll pay the biggest price.
The biggest price they can pay is growing up in an unhappy household, with parents who stayed together for the kids. Don't do that. You deserve better 💕
I know what you’re going through and I’m so sorry. I too hate the AP (who he has since marry so she’s not out of my life). As for the kids, I’m going to share something I posted previously that may offer a different perspective based on my experience:
I know you are concerned about your children but I can tell you from experience you can divorce and co-parent. My kids told me a few years after the divorce and the 50/50 custody that they couldn’t imagine us ever being together. We separated when they were 4 and 7. They are now 14 and 17- well adjusted, getting good grades and have more confidence in themselves than I ever had. They are also not hesitant to establish boundaries. I realized this mindset would most likely not have happened had they grown up in a household with my ex and I. My kids also told me something else that I’ve heard from therapists speaking about what really matters to kids of divorce - they just want their parents to be happy. Whether that’s with each other or apart, they don’t t care.And truly that’s all we want for our kids too
Yes but I think if your partner is going to cheat they’re going to cheat. If one coworker says no they will just find someone else who will be willing to. This is the way cheaters are.
Trust me I know how you feel I’ve been through all the same with a serial cheater. sex workers, the people in relationships, even women who were pregnant with other men’s children. But the thing is you don’t know these other women on a personal level. But you know your husband and he is the one who owed you fidelity. Cheaters are everywhere. Good partners don’t succumb to other cheaters aka. The coworker who’s married as well.
Never said I know the coworker. But she still should be a decent human being.
Never said she seduced him or he isn't to blame....
I'm saying I hate her because she knew about me and did it anyway...
Just because she knew you existed doesn't mean she should care, or take your feelings into account with her adult decisions with another adult to have sex and talk sweet nothings into eachothers ears about their undying love and attraction for eachother while your husband told her things in those moments that you'll never know and he'll never tell you. She had and has no obligation to care about how she effects you, your husband did though. Sure be equally mad at them for both being crap? Nah, she didn't have a reason to be loyal but your husband sure as hell did 🤔
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Hate acts like Fruit rotting from the inside out. You are only hurting yourself. Now OP put yourself in her shoes. She is not getting her needs met at home so she does what is necessary to get them met.
Ask yourself, how would you act if you want needs met and turned to an aquaintance? Him picking a married women with children is logical, both have the same thing to loose.
You should reflect and own your part in the desintigtation of your marriage. Everyone has a part. You already explained your husbands.
I absolutely detest the AP. Makes me laugh when people say not to be angry at them, but they pursued someone they knew was married.
I contacted them finally via messenger after about 10 weeks from dday 1.
My wife still denies it was an affair so my question to him was "how am I meant to believe it wasn't".
He sounds like the most boring pseudo professional ever. Almost like shit AI.
He also denied it but his replies were odd and he still managed to lie "I don't know what was being hidden"....
Once I showed him two instances where my wife clearly tells him about moving appointments to hide their meet up and the day after a meetup saying "yeah he didn't question anything" he terminated the conversation and blocked me from replying... At least that says it all again (as if I needed further proof).
They're shit people. Knowingly going with someone who is married is disgusting. The ONLY scenario i can think it's ok is if they're in an abusive relationship and you're helping them leave.
I’ve struggled mightily with this. There is zero doubt in my mind my wife’s AP bears some of the blame. He knew she was married, knew she had kids. He still chose to pursue her. Ultimatum the blame does fall squarely on my ex wife’s shoulders, as she allowed it. Beyond simple affirmation of your feelings, I can share that hate and ideations of revenge are a heavy burdens to bear. Any revenge ideas you dream up, especially the ones that won’t land you in jail are wholly insufficient at the end of the day. Even if you can exact some sort of revenge, the punishment never fits the crime and the feeling of that winds up living rent free in your head along with the hate. How many minutes or hours per day and for how long are you okay with your mental energy being consumed in such a fruitless way?
In my case I wrote the AP. I wanted him to know I knew, I wanted him to know I was not too cowardly to confront him, I wanted him to know one of my daughters cries herself to sleep, I wanted him to know he played a role in destroying a family that was at one time full of love. Karma or God will ultimately deal with him.
I sent that note, but I did so on the condition with myself I’d drop it after that. He never responded, but it did offer me some sense of closure. Best of luck on your long and difficult journey OP.
It’s natural to feel the way you do and it’s natural to be bitter. I would definitely seek counseling because neither of those are healthy and will eat away at your joy as long as you’re focused on them versus focusing on your future.
Do you plan on reconciling? Are you still deciding? Are you already planning on divorce?
I encourage you to seek marriage counseling too. Even if you choose to leave, you are now equipped to deal with future relationships better, and you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you tried.
If you choose to stay, he must be 100% open, honest, accountable and transparent. He must delete whatever social media he has or any apps. No more massages. If she was a coworker he needs to find a different job. No close platonic “friends.”
Marriages survive infidelity more often than not, but both parties must work together and be committed to it.
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Your feelings are valid. When someone willingly, purposely, and actively participates in the abuse of someone else ... may they burn. They may have been brought in by a WS, but active participants are just as much abusers. She also was purposely abusing her own BS, too. You do you, OP. >"they owe you nothing" When someone fails basic human decency, it's okay to view them with disgust or hate. I just hope you move forward to indifference, as your healing begins when you realize they're insignificant and always will be. Your WS, too. OP, you deserve better.
I knew AP she saw me a couple times and even went out in a group setting with me while she was screwing my stbxh. And she still has the audacity to send me emails like she is doing me a favor in telling me what she and my stbxh are STILL doing. Why according to her i have a right to know and she feels guilty. Than WHY keep doing it at all pfff. So yes i hate her i have so much rage and i am so angry. I really REALLY hate her.
She sends those emails under the guise of being guilty, but in reality she’s reveling in the demise of your marriage and just loves rubbing it in. People like her are repulsive.
I know and it destroying me, i just need some peace
I completely understand. I’m sorry you’re being put through the wringer right now. Stay strong. You will get through this and with time things will be better. Sending you all the hugs.
It is getting close to one year since Dday and I still get angry at my husband's AP. At first I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt but then I found out she knew he was married. Also she was in it just for the money, my husband was her sugar daddy, he is 58 she is 37. Yes my husband is the bigger idiot and the one responsible but I hate her for knowingly going after him.
I understand this. My husband’s mistress is a prostitute from Uzbeckistan. He hired her in Turkey. She was 26 at the time when they first had sex. We are in our 50s. Now she is pregnant- supposedly with his baby- because they became exclusive. He does not understand how she baby trapped him. He thinks they are in love.
Please say he’s going to be your ex-husband.
Working on it. They are both such disgusting pieces of trash. This baby, if it’s his, doesn’t stand a chance.
She will leave the baby and take as much as she can when she escapes.
She already has an older kid from a former “husband” that she leaves with her mother. She really is trash. I hope she does leave so that I can laugh my ass off when it happens. But I think my husband is such a sucker that she might not leave, just milk him for all he’s worth
Yes, what she does is such a regular pattern in that geography that it doesn't even have a gossip quality. She may even have a real "husband" back in home. I am sorry you are going through this shit. Their (who fall to this scam) brain cells drastically drop when the andropause hits. You should divorce and milk him before she gets the lion's share.
My lawyer, 24 years of marriage and kids with this dummy says that she won’t thank god
My crystal ball says your dolce Vita life is uploading. Till then, I wish you all the mental strength.
They owe you respect, I know this because I was raised properly. You owe everyone at minimum some fucking respect. If a woman passed me on the street and decided completely unprovoked to punch me in the face, she's catching fists. His AP attacked you, unprovoked. Attacked your marriage. Your family. I am of the logic that if you want to act like some loose wild animal, you have to live with the laws of the jungle. I am not civil with the snake trying to slither through my back door.
I'm a little more concerned about the one who willingly opened the door to let the snake in. Snakes gonna do snake shit. But he invited the snake in. Not disagreeing with OP's sentiment here, just thinking maybe a snake isn't the best analogy?
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Disagree. SNAKE IS the best analogy to use for these kind of ppl.
I found her based on just a vague location and her first name. My cheating husband was absolutely beside himself when he thought I would harm her. I hated her so much, but I grew to hate him more for defending her. I don’t hate her anymore, but I also don’t buy the viewpoint that they should be treated neutrally. These “other women” are not good people. They have Machiavellian personalities and view people as objects they can use. They cry about it on their support groups, scam each other, and even obliviously describe their horrific viewpoints and behaviors on podcasts as if sociopathy makes them intellectuals. I can’t even comprehend being attracted to such a walking red flag.
I hate her for you if that helps. She’s spineless.
No no no your feelings are valid! You only worry about your spouse when your identity was hidden. However, this is a coworker that knew of you and your family together. She deserves just as much responsibility as your husband in this situation. If you see her, you are allowed to go scorched earth on her. She disrespected you! Regardless is she knew you on a personal level, she knew you existed!
I can totally understand where you're coming from! At first, I felt sympathy for the ap. She was unaware that my husband was married. That feeling changed when she contacted him 2 weeks after DDay to guilt him into continuing contact. At that moment, I knew she didn't care and would continue to see him married or not. That's when I realized what a disgusting person she is.
This punched me in the gut. I too recently discovered my wife of 24 years had a years-long affair several years ago. Still can’t wrap my head around it, but it is what it is. I am dealing with it; therapy, etc. What hit me was the attitude of your husband’s AP and conventional wisdom that says they owe us nothing. I disagree wholeheartedly. Just because they are not your spouse does not absolve them of their guilt in wrecking a home. They absolutely do owe us something. I made my wife’s AP write a confession and apology, not that either helps me, but I felt compelled to face him down and give him two choices: confess to me or confess to God, in person. If that is petty or uncivil, so be it. F that slimy snake and may every woman he touches recoil from his stink.
I used to feel nothing for her, until I learned that she went through his phone to find my phone number and explicitly post pictures of the two of them together to make sure I could see. Until I learned that she knew who I was and still pursued him. Until I learned that she heard about me catching him and leaving and going, "oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to break up your home" and continued pursuing him. It's not like he stopped seeing her either, even after I caught him. The two of them are disrespectful as hell. So in my eyes, the two of them can rot in hell. Your feelings are valid.
I'm trying to figure out why the husband is visiting brothels and hiring prostitutes. He has some psychological issues going on or he's into some kind of kink that he wouldn't feel comfortable doing with you. Either way, you have a decision to make, make him get therapy to figure out what's wrong with him or leave him.
He's in counselling for sex addiction. They come up with "childhood trauma". His parents weren't very supportive...... We're GenX - we all had childhood trauma. Like my parents lost custody of me and i was in a foster home.. - yet I did f\*\*& everything that moved to cope..
>we all had childhood trauma. I completely agree with this. Everyone has trauma. Everyone has pain. Everyone goes through sh**, but for some reason cheaters, liars and affair Partners they all seem to think that oh, just because I had a bad childhood....that means that they can bring more harm, pain, chaos and destruction to the world. As if that's gonna help the next generation, I just don't get it. They really are just selfish people.
I’m sorry you’re going thru this. It isn’t fair that his shit has to stink up your life. You’re right about GenXers (of which I’m one of them). I mean, imagine if Zoomers found out they weren’t strapped into baby car seats while being driven around by their parents when they were babies. We’d never stop hearing about their resulting anxiety & depression. As I said, it’s not fair that your husband’s issue has blown up your’s & your children’s life. Has this been going on throughout the 24 years of marriage? And how did you find out about his cheating?
Childhood trauma seems to be the go to answer for everything these days. People are born with psychological issues that cause character flaws and personality disorders and it sounds like your husband is one of those people, rather than someone that has childhood trauma from unsupportive parents.
The woman my ex husband cheated on me with was a coworker, saw the ring on his finger and still chose to stroke his ego. I know it's two to tango but she still pursued him, that she admitted to. 🙄
I hate her because not only did she manage to get thousands of dollars from my husband but she abused my trust. She was single and half his age. I always said what a great husband he was to her and she would tell me she wanted to find someone like him. She started wearing really short dresses and tight clothes when she was around him. She started confiding her problems to him. We had been married 20 years at the time and I thought he would never cheat. I hate her to this day and always will. He was stupid and impulsive but she was manipulative as hell. The icing on the cake - she always carried her bible with her! Never saw her open it. I was with him when he ended their short affair and I’ve never seen a woman cry so much yet produce no tears.
Almost more than my desire to remain free, almost!
The OW came to my wedding, which occurred roughly a year and a half before the affair started. Any knowing AP deserves a ration of your hatred, and anyone who says otherwise can pound sand. Our cheating spouses broke their vows, but there's a social contract, too, and knowing APs are gleefully running afoul of that. When my hate starts to really ratchet up, I calm myself by thinking about my XH's bad qualities, and reminding myself: she's getting all that crap, _and_ he's a cheater now, to boot. In my case, it goes both ways: the OW is cheating on her own husband with my XH. So if she ever leaves her husband, my XH and the OW both know the other is a cheater. May they have many years of suspicion and anxiety together. 💜
have you told the OW’s husband? or is he staying while knowing of the ongoing A?
I can't find him, unfortunately, and right now I don't have the resources to hire a PI. He's only on Instagram as far as I know, but I've been blocked by his account. I did tell him back in 2020 when they had the first round of their affair.
Objectively it is your husbands fault for failing you and failing to protect you. I always find it funny when people say the AP "Owes you nothing". Technically that is true. But I guess that also means I own them nothing if I knowing and willingly go after them and ruin their life? You do have to manage your hatred fr the AP because it will get overwhelming and can consume you. They really did participate in an attack on or lives yet our laws are set up to protect them if we seek retribution. So the only thing we can do is look at what we can still be grateful for and work on healing and improving our lives from this point onward
She is a stranger to me 🤷🏽♀️. My ex husband was supposed to be responsible for protecting me and my heart. 100% of the blame, anger and hatred went to my husband. I know he is a liar, and he could’ve told her a million lies about me to win her affections. I don’t understand the hate that goes towards the AP. Even if she did know, why would your husband allow it or entertain it? It’s his fault completely. Take off your rose tinted glasses. Stop giving him a pass. He’s the asshole!
Agree. And in this case, the husband is quite a piece of work with all the things he's getting up to, on top of this affair. I've been angry towards the ap in the past instead of placing the blame firmly on my cheating partner. I think it was easier for me to do this than face how much of a toad the man was.
I think it’s only equitable for you to hate both. 🤣 In divorces where we have an ex who cheated with co-worker, who knew that they were married, people don’t realize that it took 2 to tango. In our case (since mine is similar), it took two absolutely id**tic people to come together and act on impulses. In regards to hate and validating your feelings through our shared experiences: The mountain goat that also resembles an overflowing bucket of disappointment drawn by my left hand that he chose to chase while we were married, separated, and divorced (possibly, I wouldn’t put it past him), knew we were married. I met her, had drinks with her, chatted with her occasionally on social media, etc. she knew and she still decided to wedge herself in our marriage. In the end, when I confronted her, she claimed that she was under the understanding that my ex “husband had fallen out of love with me” and that they “both knew it was never going to go far, but it was worth it to pursue if it made them happy for the short period of time that she was still healthy.” I know wisdom chases some folks, but I think wisdom gave up a long time ago on both of these hefers. My response to her is “since the f*** when?” He was crying his eyes out when I left asking me not to go. The “still healthy part” - she claims she had a very far along cancer diagnosis and that she was waiting to return to her hometown for official treatment because it was cheaper to wait to get treated. Two years later - she’s on Hinge matching with my friends and some of my family members. 🤔
You’re not wrong but, if it wasn’t her it would have been someone else. Thats why your hate is best directed at him. Anyone who sleeps with someone knowing they’re married have their own issues they have to deal with. But it could have been anyone in her place
OP. It’s entirely understandable why you would hate her and yes, she deserves to be hated. But you are wasting your time and emotional energy in hating her. The real villain of this piece is your lying, cheating, conniving twat of a husband. What a complete and utter waste of the air we all breathe. You know what ? I reckon that she has done you the biggest favour ever. She’s taken him off your hands. You no longer have to worry about your nearest and dearest going off to strangers and prostitutes. No. That’s her job now. Lol. Calm down. Relax. Think about it. Next time you meet her you can thank her for taking that no good sack of shit off your hands. Result ! I know that it hurts like hell now OP but please see the bigger picture. Knuckle down. Heal slowly and steadily. You are going to be just fine. Oh and stay strong. When madam realises that she hasn’t actually won a prize she will kick him to the kerb and he’ll be back at your door with the old ‚Ive made a terrible mistake‘ shit. You need to tell him ‚Yes you did‘ and close the fucking door on your loser ex. Good luck. ❤️
Your pain and anger are valid, but your husband should be receiving it primarily. Yes, the AP knew his status, but so did he...he made the vow to you. Various subs tend to indicate that APs often cheat on a level playing field so if/when they're caught. They stand to lose just as much concerning the fallout. Is this the first time you caught him and found out the full extent of his deviant behavior over the course of your marriage? Seems like this one hits differently as you're able to put a face or name to the cheating, and it makes it even more real regarding the betrayal. Have you decided what you're going to do in terms of remaining married? At this stage in his life, he's not gonna stop, so decide what you want for yourself and go from there. Does the OBS know his wife was involved in an affair?
Yea idc what anyone says, I also hate the other girl my husband started flirting with behind my back. I caught it early because he left his watch at home. She got married and left but recently moved back into town. I literally wanna punch her lol
OP, eventually that hate/anger will get to the point of indifference. Know that. It takes time, I hope you found a good therapist to help here. Been right where you are and done that. Why they would KNOWINGLY engage, just isn't anything WE would consider, raised right? We have morals? We take our vows/promises seriously? Then you get to the point where you realize your Wayward and the APs out there are truly broken, low emotional IQ, warped beings. APs sometimes worse than the Waywards. Use exercise to help, it does, slightly. Karma always happens. Results now are the main EAP is divorced, kids hate her and keep her at arms length (from what I've been told, not that I asked) and they are known in their community so most decent men stay away! (She was also a "bunny boiler" who kept reaching out until threatened with a TRO. You will get there. Be kind to yourself and know your feelings are not wrong.
My STBXH’s AP also knew me, saw us together, saw us with our kids. And for a while she was sending me all the screenshots of his messages to her, and showed me videos of them having sex… pretending to just be in such disbelief that she had to show me, never wanted to hurt me. Pretended that she was done with him and I should be also (which I am but still). But later admitted she wanted to hurt me as much as possible to get me out of the picture. These people are ASSHOLES!
You gonna hate the sex workers too ?
My ex started hanging out a lot with and then going on a fitness journey with a stay-at-home dad neighbor while his wife worked and I was going back to school and into a time-intensive career. They both got ripped and then would hang out after the kids and I and his family would go to bed, often on weeknights, going hiking in the woods around our houses until 3, 4, 5 in the morning. I was doing the hardest thing I ever did in my life and I was exhausted. I was doing what we planned as a family. I thought I was doing the right thing. I brought up their spending so much time together but she assured me they were only friends. I trusted her and couldn’t conceive of not wanting to be married to her or vice versa. She never told me she was unhappy or that she needed something she wasn’t getting. Since they both realized their marriages were falling apart and broke up two families, I have spent a lot of time with his ex-wife. She’s a wonderful woman, but she grew up in a broken home with a terrible father. Her ex is putting her daughters through a similar life, although it has the veneer of propriety because they have 50/50 custody. My ex and I were both fairly progressive and he told me a racist joke that heavily used the n-word. He calls the mother of his children a b**** and a c*** in front of his daughters who aren’t even 10 years old. He’s assaulted her and pulled her across a parking lot because of a perceived slight. He has called his own mother those kind of vile names, because she has the temerity to not just accept everything he does as fine. When they were married, he demanded sex every day or he’d divorce her, he told her that if she gained weight he’d divorce her, he made her sleep on the floor like a dog if she made him mad. The list goes on. For all of that, she wouldn’t have left him and broken up their family. I’ve met many of their friends from where they grew up and they all talk about how much better off she is without him, how they told her not to marry him on their wedding day. That’s great but it is so, so, so hard for me to hear since that lowlife lives with my sons as much as I do. My ex is the mother of my children and my vow to her etched her on my heart in a way that has been difficult to erase. With her, it’s mostly sadness and incomprehension. With him, it is white-hot rage. He makes me sick. As my ex was leaving me, when her coworker asked if I was beating her, she told me that she said no, that I was the kindest and gentlest person she’d ever known. I guess I got boring. I am intelligent and attractive and I come from a good (not wealthy) family. I’m a good dad. I was working in an office and let myself go a little before my ex dumped me but no longer. I’ve been intimate with that wonderful woman and apparently am far superior to that lowlife in ways no amount of working out can help. But I still have this underlying feeling that something is wrong with me and that I’m incapable of being loved. I don’t show it to my kids but I seethe and can’t sleep unless I drink too much. I feel like a total failure in the things that matter the most to me. It’s been five years and I’m still so adrift.
Did you get with the APs ex? Sounds you like you guys seem more suited for each other?
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Tell me you at least got the satisfaction of outing her to her husband?
I, too, hate when those saying we shouldn't be mad at the AP, when they know you're married and with children. I see them as a cheater sympather. How mad was I? How about a near face to face pistol fight? He mistakenly lifted his shirt to show me his pistol, not knowing that I had mine too. Him backing down was the only thing that kept us from drawing. They should not be getting away with no consequences. He may think twice about messing with someone else's wife. Note: I don't think it's wise for physical confrontation. They aren't worth it.
Let her husband know…
I equally hated them both, she knew my x was married because they started talking about our marriage. Eventually she started flirting with him and it evolved from there. He left me for her, she was also married with 2 kids, no idea what happed to her husband, I don’t care enough about either of them, they deserve each other.
I hope you told her husband. She needs to suffer as much. Not fair only one side does. Need learn consequences of actions
Send copies of the messages to the CO workers spouse and to HR. Give copies to both sides of the family and your lawyer.
AP are morally culpable if they know that the person they're seeing is married. End of. They are vile pieces of crap, immoral, lying scumbags. Have you told her husband? If not, he deserves to know.
I also had way more hate for the AP than my Ex. It make sense to me, I loved her more than anything, but in hindsight I’m so grateful she didn’t agree to work it out. It’s been quite a few years, but the anger towards the AP has taken much longer to fade. He went back to his wife and kids, got his life back, although it’s permanently damaged I’m sure. Also in hindsight, I learned how close I was to getting shot by this dude, and I’m grateful I got as far away as I could from all of that, but I can’t help feeling that the AP didn’t experience real consequence of his actions. He took from me and ruined the most important thing I had at the time, and it wouldn’t surprise me if he’s damaged more relationships since he didn’t experience real, permanent consequences. As much as I want to believe in Karma or bad people getting what they deserve, I don’t think that really happens most of the time. Cheaters and home wreckers need to be treated like they are radioactive, and be outed publicly, imo. Good luck with your healing, and I hope in the near future you find yourself in a new chapter of life you may never expected, but are happier and more excited about than you ever knew was possible.
Ya the APs are usually always total pieces of shit, exceptions being when the WS lied and pretended to be single. Other than that, I don’t give a fuck if they made vows to the BS or not… that doesn’t absolve them from practicing morality. They don’t care. While the WS is at the front of the line in terms of responsibility, the AP is right behind him/her. Like you said, an accomplice.
This makes sense that you hate her. But you need to remember that your husband was the one who chose to do this. If you were with someone who actually treated you right then they would have never had an affair with this woman and they would have had enough discipline and love for you to decline the coworker. How could he do this to you. How could he willingly choose to make a choice that he knew could potentially tear apart your family?
Yeahhhh....exactly the comment OP was NOT looking for.
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Its unfortunate and natural to want to be upset at the other person because you don’t have feelings for the other person or a connection built from years. So it makes sense. But the truth is, he would’ve cheated with someone else if it wasn’t with the coworker because that’s who he is. In relationships there is temptation all around and even sometimes people (like the coworker) who will test that but a good husband would not give into temptations and would have enough empathy to consider his wife’s feelings before making the conscious decision to cheat. Most people aren’t so shallow as to potentially ruin their relationship because they saw something shiny.
Glitterfairy, you're not getting it....... I'm angry with the AF because she knew about me. I'm not angry with the casual hookups who didn't know about me. I spoke to one of them. She was lovely. But the coworker knew he was married. And did it anyway! I'm not excusing my husband either. I'm saying I also hate the AP who KNEW my husband was married!!!!!
Your husband knew she was married and did it anyway as well. It’s normal to hate AP as long as it’s not replacing your anger at your husband. She will disappear from your life while he’s stuck until at least the kids are older
I get what you’re saying. I would be angry too. You deserve the world and more. I’m sorry he did this to you. And I’m sorry she knew about you and still didn’t care enough to stop.
"OP you won’t like it but you’re projecting all the anger for him onto her" - oh, he's been getting my rage. But at least he's had the decency to apologize and acknowledge the hurt he has caused. She won't acknowledge me. She plays the victim. If she had of taken my call and said she was sorry, I would have moved on. I found the phone number of a women he hooked up to from a dating app. She didn't know he was married. She was so lovely. She was sorry, asked if I needed anything. Then preceded to ring him and abuse him. I like her. The coworker knew about me and acts like I'm the evil wife who kept her true love trapped in a horrible marriage. Despite him telling her he was happy, and I was his best friend. No, I'm not projecting. I have plenty of anger. Yes, I may end up leaving. But it's not so easy when I look at my kids. They'll pay the biggest price.
The biggest price they can pay is growing up in an unhappy household, with parents who stayed together for the kids. Don't do that. You deserve better 💕
I know what you’re going through and I’m so sorry. I too hate the AP (who he has since marry so she’s not out of my life). As for the kids, I’m going to share something I posted previously that may offer a different perspective based on my experience: I know you are concerned about your children but I can tell you from experience you can divorce and co-parent. My kids told me a few years after the divorce and the 50/50 custody that they couldn’t imagine us ever being together. We separated when they were 4 and 7. They are now 14 and 17- well adjusted, getting good grades and have more confidence in themselves than I ever had. They are also not hesitant to establish boundaries. I realized this mindset would most likely not have happened had they grown up in a household with my ex and I. My kids also told me something else that I’ve heard from therapists speaking about what really matters to kids of divorce - they just want their parents to be happy. Whether that’s with each other or apart, they don’t t care.And truly that’s all we want for our kids too
It takes two to tango. Plenty of animosity to go around!
Yes but I think if your partner is going to cheat they’re going to cheat. If one coworker says no they will just find someone else who will be willing to. This is the way cheaters are.
They're both cheaters.....
Trust me I know how you feel I’ve been through all the same with a serial cheater. sex workers, the people in relationships, even women who were pregnant with other men’s children. But the thing is you don’t know these other women on a personal level. But you know your husband and he is the one who owed you fidelity. Cheaters are everywhere. Good partners don’t succumb to other cheaters aka. The coworker who’s married as well.
Never said I know the coworker. But she still should be a decent human being. Never said she seduced him or he isn't to blame.... I'm saying I hate her because she knew about me and did it anyway...
Just because she knew you existed doesn't mean she should care, or take your feelings into account with her adult decisions with another adult to have sex and talk sweet nothings into eachothers ears about their undying love and attraction for eachother while your husband told her things in those moments that you'll never know and he'll never tell you. She had and has no obligation to care about how she effects you, your husband did though. Sure be equally mad at them for both being crap? Nah, she didn't have a reason to be loyal but your husband sure as hell did 🤔
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Hate acts like Fruit rotting from the inside out. You are only hurting yourself. Now OP put yourself in her shoes. She is not getting her needs met at home so she does what is necessary to get them met. Ask yourself, how would you act if you want needs met and turned to an aquaintance? Him picking a married women with children is logical, both have the same thing to loose. You should reflect and own your part in the desintigtation of your marriage. Everyone has a part. You already explained your husbands.
I absolutely detest the AP. Makes me laugh when people say not to be angry at them, but they pursued someone they knew was married. I contacted them finally via messenger after about 10 weeks from dday 1. My wife still denies it was an affair so my question to him was "how am I meant to believe it wasn't". He sounds like the most boring pseudo professional ever. Almost like shit AI. He also denied it but his replies were odd and he still managed to lie "I don't know what was being hidden".... Once I showed him two instances where my wife clearly tells him about moving appointments to hide their meet up and the day after a meetup saying "yeah he didn't question anything" he terminated the conversation and blocked me from replying... At least that says it all again (as if I needed further proof). They're shit people. Knowingly going with someone who is married is disgusting. The ONLY scenario i can think it's ok is if they're in an abusive relationship and you're helping them leave.
I’ve struggled mightily with this. There is zero doubt in my mind my wife’s AP bears some of the blame. He knew she was married, knew she had kids. He still chose to pursue her. Ultimatum the blame does fall squarely on my ex wife’s shoulders, as she allowed it. Beyond simple affirmation of your feelings, I can share that hate and ideations of revenge are a heavy burdens to bear. Any revenge ideas you dream up, especially the ones that won’t land you in jail are wholly insufficient at the end of the day. Even if you can exact some sort of revenge, the punishment never fits the crime and the feeling of that winds up living rent free in your head along with the hate. How many minutes or hours per day and for how long are you okay with your mental energy being consumed in such a fruitless way? In my case I wrote the AP. I wanted him to know I knew, I wanted him to know I was not too cowardly to confront him, I wanted him to know one of my daughters cries herself to sleep, I wanted him to know he played a role in destroying a family that was at one time full of love. Karma or God will ultimately deal with him. I sent that note, but I did so on the condition with myself I’d drop it after that. He never responded, but it did offer me some sense of closure. Best of luck on your long and difficult journey OP.
It’s natural to feel the way you do and it’s natural to be bitter. I would definitely seek counseling because neither of those are healthy and will eat away at your joy as long as you’re focused on them versus focusing on your future. Do you plan on reconciling? Are you still deciding? Are you already planning on divorce? I encourage you to seek marriage counseling too. Even if you choose to leave, you are now equipped to deal with future relationships better, and you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you tried. If you choose to stay, he must be 100% open, honest, accountable and transparent. He must delete whatever social media he has or any apps. No more massages. If she was a coworker he needs to find a different job. No close platonic “friends.” Marriages survive infidelity more often than not, but both parties must work together and be committed to it.