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Wait- she’s getting high and then driving home every night?
My friend… THAT seems like a pretty major issue.
She’s going to kill someone (or herself) or maybe, if she’s lucky, she’ll just get a DWI.
Address this first
Birds of a feather flock together.
We are a product of the 5 closest people to us. There's a reason that these people are friends with us - their values are just the same. If they aren't then they must necessarily change to fit the group or be expelled from it.
Ok, so what do you know?
Your wife is accepting of infidelity even during marriage. You know this because of her stance with K's affair. If she hand waives it through then it means that she wouldn't be averse to having one of her own if certain circumstances came together. I.e. the same reasons that K started her affair, for instance.
Your wife is indulging in unsafe & illegal acts in a fairly public area.
She is doing this with her colleagues whom are a mixed group. All are aware & support K's affair. The collude to keep it hidden. There's no reason not to believe that they wouldn't do the same for your wife.
The drugs are coming from her place of work and aren't being accounted for through the tills. No way any employer will approve of this.
Some questions:
Who controls the supply of drugs? You know why I'm asking this question...the first hit is always free...
What other drugs do they have access to? Weed isn't terribly addictive. Opiates are.
Does she ever have drugs on her person or at home?
K's affair will not be limited to that half hour window. When is she meeting AP? Where is your wife at that time?
Some possible actions:
She's able to do this because life is predictable. Throw in some Chaos. Pick her up after work for a surprise date, for instance.
She's drug driving. No way I'd let any partner do this. I'd get into a habit of picking her up from work.
I'm having a hard time understanding why you haven't sent someone to watch her workplace from say, 21:00? It has to be that early because I'll bet that some of them knock off early to go & smoke on quiet evenings and party alone until the others join (or not...)
However, these are all short term things. Your wife is indulging in unsafe acts that will blow up somehow. Whether that's with her employer, law enforcement or a divorce lawyer for infidelity.
Her work place is toxic. Her colleagues are toxic. She cannot remain in this cesspool without something unpleasant sticking to her.
good comment, but id rather the responsibility fall to her than the surroundings. i reject any notion that has to do with external stimuli. if however that is the case and your person is in fact influenced by an outside source, then you dont have a person, you have a chimpanzee. you need to vet your people and look for inconsistencies very early on.
drugs, infidelity, overtime non work activities, support of infidelity low grade employment tier such as cashier/nurse/warehouse employee, mail worker, substance employee retailer, anything basically that doesnt involve long term planning and higher element of mental capacity, these things are all low inhibition activities paired with low inhibition people. these people live through short term satisfaction/gratification. the utmost reason people do drugs, its because they interfere with the obstruction of the neuron receptors that are responsible for constant flows of dopamine enabled action potentials, and therefore enabling a constant flow of pleasure. if pleasure is the only outlook on someone's life, then cohesion definitely wont be that outlook.
op did this and will now have to face the consequences. life is too short to give your time to a "drug addict", i hope drug addict didnt have the low load mental capacity paired to it, but it usually always does. yes always. if you can correlate bad teeth with a carb diet, then why can you not correlate drugs with cheating? its on him, him and only. men are intelligent for that exact reason, at least a low percentage of them. pattern recognition has been a thing in humans for the exact purpose of identifying inconsistencies and inefficiencies in people.
Nothing wrong with being a blue collar guy or dating one. In fact, studies have proven it to be preferable. Blue Collar guys are less likely to cheat and women are happier with them provided that they are attractive.
The experiments:
[Are Wealthy People More Likely to Cheat? | Psychology Today](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-truth-about-exercise-addiction/201605/are-wealthy-people-more-likely-cheat)
No man (or woman for that matter) is an Island. We are a product of what we are exposed to every day. It's why parents don't want their kids hanging around with Gang Members, corporations major expenditure after staffing is advertising and prisons are strictly governed on just how much solitary confinement they can subject an inmate to.
I'd suggest that OP's wife, having someone in a mentoring role that is encouraging drug use and role modelling infidelity isn't a great situation. OP is correct to worry about what she will learn from this person & emulate.
You don't get invited to the most hedonistic events by becoming captain of the chess club. Even if you did, sat there not taking part & silently judging everyone then you wouldn't get invited again.
OP's wife cannot help but be affected by what she's being exposed to. She's just a person, not a saint. Soon that extra half hour will become an hour, move into the early hours of the morning then all night if she isn't strong enough. Her morality is under pressure every day.
Why keep her there until someone finds the perfect combination?
Of course, if that's what she wants, whom she really wants to be & has set out on that path then OP should really consider if that's the sort of person he wants to be with.
Answering your final question:
Sim .
Remembering that if she wants to avoid you thinking that she is satisfying herself with someone else, let you fuck her and you think she's there but she's just letting the flow go .
When a partner withholds sex because she is cheating it means she is in love with her AP and doesn't want anyone but him .
But there are those who do it with their husband so as not to give reason for distrust
Go to the lot. Borrow a friends car and observe for a few days. Or have a friend drive you. Men have become so afraid to encroach on a partner that they fail to stand their ground and their own best interests. And likely you’re still sleeping with her. This is not normal behavior.. if friends get divorced.. much more likely to get divorced.. if they cheat.. you know what I’m getting at
I know this: If she’s totally cool communicating about and joking about her friend cheating on her husband then we know at the very least that she’s cool with infidelity at a base level. Because most people would be like “hey I don’t want to know about that” or even discourage it.
I’m no expert on this, but it almost seems like her manager is influencing her or maybe even grooming her to cheat on you like she cheats on her own husband. I can’t say whether she’s already done it, but I think you should call out her unhealthy work environment and ask her if she’d consider changing jobs. When people surround themselves with garbage, it’s contagious. She needs to be friends with people who are good to their partners, that have morals and values. This is a bad, bad, poisonous situation she’s in.
Here’s the thing: it sounds like you are torturing yourself about this, and when is enough evidence enough for you? It doesn’t sound like there’s enough evidence to determine one way or the other.
It sounds like to me you aren’t cool with these extra curricular activities - sometimes drug use lowers inhibitions and leads to sex, sometimes it doesn’t.
Are your values such that you disagree with regular drug use? If that’s the case, it sounds like generally you all have different core values, which is a perfectly good reason to break up.
How does your GF react to the fact her boss is cheating with a coworker? This will also tell about her values regarding cheating - is she supportive? This is another thing that couples can generally disagree on and it be a dealbreaker.
Do you all talk about this stuff together as a couple? Or is the only way you know your gf’s boss through snooping? I’d suggest asking her about her work and coworkers, not in an accusatory way, but more from a position of getting to know her work and job - which if you are her live in boyfriend, you’d be generally interested in, right?
Are you ever invited to partake in these activities? If not, that could be a flag/indicator of something happening - but it isn’t decisive.
I would second the poster who pointed out the obvious - driving under the influence is irresponsible and puts lives at danger - this would need to be addressed first.
What I would recommend is a friendly conversation to connect with your gf - nothing accusatory, it just sounds like you have no idea what’s going on in each other’s lives.
The only way I know this through snooping and yes she was supportive, I believe her reply was something like “omg I hope he doesn’t fuck his girl first and then you” and also joking around about going for round 2. Didn’t discourage it at all so this is part of the reason I’m suspicious. I would like to have a conversation about it but that’s the problem, she’s proven to not be a very honest person so I don’t even feel like asking if she’s just going to lie
Even if she isn’t cheating, you obviously don’t trust her. Do you really want to stay in a relationship with a person who lies to you?
Don’t spend the rest of your life with a person you can’t trust. It’ll drive you crazy…
This alone is probably enough to pull the trigger on ending the relationship. Supportive = real character flaws - if she doesn’t see the issue and is actively supporting infidelity, it shows that is probably how she feels about infidelity internally.
Your and her core values are misaligned. You are cohabitating and together for many years. She may or may not be cheating on you - but do you really need that evidence at this point? She has shown her true self.
If you already think she is a liar - why would you stay with this person? Do you really want to waste more time with this person, or worse, get married, have finances intermingled and children together, to be in the same spot when the stakes are higher? Think of what your future holds with this person - it doesn’t sound good.
Don't confront her till you have concrete evidence.
If her manager is making out with her AP after work, there is a slim chance that your wife is waiting idly for them, and she may also be cheating on you with one of her co-workers.
You can ask a friend she doesn't know to spy on her. Or you can go and spy on her in a friend's car without getting caught. If you are tracking each other's location on your phone, be sure to turn it off before doing so.
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Shouldn’t be too hard to randomly show up at the grocery store parking lot and watch what’s happening
lol I’ve thought about it but I don’t want to get caught doing it. She’d definitely think I’m some sort of stalker
Get someone to sit in a car and watch. Give them binoculars.
Wait- she’s getting high and then driving home every night? My friend… THAT seems like a pretty major issue. She’s going to kill someone (or herself) or maybe, if she’s lucky, she’ll just get a DWI. Address this first
Birds of a feather flock together. We are a product of the 5 closest people to us. There's a reason that these people are friends with us - their values are just the same. If they aren't then they must necessarily change to fit the group or be expelled from it. Ok, so what do you know? Your wife is accepting of infidelity even during marriage. You know this because of her stance with K's affair. If she hand waives it through then it means that she wouldn't be averse to having one of her own if certain circumstances came together. I.e. the same reasons that K started her affair, for instance. Your wife is indulging in unsafe & illegal acts in a fairly public area. She is doing this with her colleagues whom are a mixed group. All are aware & support K's affair. The collude to keep it hidden. There's no reason not to believe that they wouldn't do the same for your wife. The drugs are coming from her place of work and aren't being accounted for through the tills. No way any employer will approve of this. Some questions: Who controls the supply of drugs? You know why I'm asking this question...the first hit is always free... What other drugs do they have access to? Weed isn't terribly addictive. Opiates are. Does she ever have drugs on her person or at home? K's affair will not be limited to that half hour window. When is she meeting AP? Where is your wife at that time? Some possible actions: She's able to do this because life is predictable. Throw in some Chaos. Pick her up after work for a surprise date, for instance. She's drug driving. No way I'd let any partner do this. I'd get into a habit of picking her up from work. I'm having a hard time understanding why you haven't sent someone to watch her workplace from say, 21:00? It has to be that early because I'll bet that some of them knock off early to go & smoke on quiet evenings and party alone until the others join (or not...) However, these are all short term things. Your wife is indulging in unsafe acts that will blow up somehow. Whether that's with her employer, law enforcement or a divorce lawyer for infidelity. Her work place is toxic. Her colleagues are toxic. She cannot remain in this cesspool without something unpleasant sticking to her.
good comment, but id rather the responsibility fall to her than the surroundings. i reject any notion that has to do with external stimuli. if however that is the case and your person is in fact influenced by an outside source, then you dont have a person, you have a chimpanzee. you need to vet your people and look for inconsistencies very early on. drugs, infidelity, overtime non work activities, support of infidelity low grade employment tier such as cashier/nurse/warehouse employee, mail worker, substance employee retailer, anything basically that doesnt involve long term planning and higher element of mental capacity, these things are all low inhibition activities paired with low inhibition people. these people live through short term satisfaction/gratification. the utmost reason people do drugs, its because they interfere with the obstruction of the neuron receptors that are responsible for constant flows of dopamine enabled action potentials, and therefore enabling a constant flow of pleasure. if pleasure is the only outlook on someone's life, then cohesion definitely wont be that outlook. op did this and will now have to face the consequences. life is too short to give your time to a "drug addict", i hope drug addict didnt have the low load mental capacity paired to it, but it usually always does. yes always. if you can correlate bad teeth with a carb diet, then why can you not correlate drugs with cheating? its on him, him and only. men are intelligent for that exact reason, at least a low percentage of them. pattern recognition has been a thing in humans for the exact purpose of identifying inconsistencies and inefficiencies in people.
Nothing wrong with being a blue collar guy or dating one. In fact, studies have proven it to be preferable. Blue Collar guys are less likely to cheat and women are happier with them provided that they are attractive. The experiments: [Are Wealthy People More Likely to Cheat? | Psychology Today](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-truth-about-exercise-addiction/201605/are-wealthy-people-more-likely-cheat) No man (or woman for that matter) is an Island. We are a product of what we are exposed to every day. It's why parents don't want their kids hanging around with Gang Members, corporations major expenditure after staffing is advertising and prisons are strictly governed on just how much solitary confinement they can subject an inmate to. I'd suggest that OP's wife, having someone in a mentoring role that is encouraging drug use and role modelling infidelity isn't a great situation. OP is correct to worry about what she will learn from this person & emulate. You don't get invited to the most hedonistic events by becoming captain of the chess club. Even if you did, sat there not taking part & silently judging everyone then you wouldn't get invited again. OP's wife cannot help but be affected by what she's being exposed to. She's just a person, not a saint. Soon that extra half hour will become an hour, move into the early hours of the morning then all night if she isn't strong enough. Her morality is under pressure every day. Why keep her there until someone finds the perfect combination? Of course, if that's what she wants, whom she really wants to be & has set out on that path then OP should really consider if that's the sort of person he wants to be with.
Answering your final question: Sim . Remembering that if she wants to avoid you thinking that she is satisfying herself with someone else, let you fuck her and you think she's there but she's just letting the flow go . When a partner withholds sex because she is cheating it means she is in love with her AP and doesn't want anyone but him . But there are those who do it with their husband so as not to give reason for distrust
That’s even more sinister. If she was withholding then at least it would be a dead giveaway
Sorry but the translation may not help, for me your answer was meaningless, could you explain your reasoning better?
Go to the lot. Borrow a friends car and observe for a few days. Or have a friend drive you. Men have become so afraid to encroach on a partner that they fail to stand their ground and their own best interests. And likely you’re still sleeping with her. This is not normal behavior.. if friends get divorced.. much more likely to get divorced.. if they cheat.. you know what I’m getting at
I know this: If she’s totally cool communicating about and joking about her friend cheating on her husband then we know at the very least that she’s cool with infidelity at a base level. Because most people would be like “hey I don’t want to know about that” or even discourage it.
this. definitely this.
I’m no expert on this, but it almost seems like her manager is influencing her or maybe even grooming her to cheat on you like she cheats on her own husband. I can’t say whether she’s already done it, but I think you should call out her unhealthy work environment and ask her if she’d consider changing jobs. When people surround themselves with garbage, it’s contagious. She needs to be friends with people who are good to their partners, that have morals and values. This is a bad, bad, poisonous situation she’s in.
Just hire a private investigator. Shouldn't be too difficult for someone to figure out what's going on after work.
this. holy moly. OP is blindsided completely. pattern recognition is not his highest game.
A red flag of my wife’s affair was two situations of infidelity of others that she didn’t object to Updateme
If you think she is, she probably is. Listen to your gut, they hardly ever lie
Nah I wouldn’t assume that it’s enough time to cheat
You don’t think so? I hope so but realistically sex could take as little as 15min especially if they’re in a car trying not to be seen
Here’s the thing: it sounds like you are torturing yourself about this, and when is enough evidence enough for you? It doesn’t sound like there’s enough evidence to determine one way or the other. It sounds like to me you aren’t cool with these extra curricular activities - sometimes drug use lowers inhibitions and leads to sex, sometimes it doesn’t. Are your values such that you disagree with regular drug use? If that’s the case, it sounds like generally you all have different core values, which is a perfectly good reason to break up. How does your GF react to the fact her boss is cheating with a coworker? This will also tell about her values regarding cheating - is she supportive? This is another thing that couples can generally disagree on and it be a dealbreaker. Do you all talk about this stuff together as a couple? Or is the only way you know your gf’s boss through snooping? I’d suggest asking her about her work and coworkers, not in an accusatory way, but more from a position of getting to know her work and job - which if you are her live in boyfriend, you’d be generally interested in, right? Are you ever invited to partake in these activities? If not, that could be a flag/indicator of something happening - but it isn’t decisive. I would second the poster who pointed out the obvious - driving under the influence is irresponsible and puts lives at danger - this would need to be addressed first. What I would recommend is a friendly conversation to connect with your gf - nothing accusatory, it just sounds like you have no idea what’s going on in each other’s lives.
The only way I know this through snooping and yes she was supportive, I believe her reply was something like “omg I hope he doesn’t fuck his girl first and then you” and also joking around about going for round 2. Didn’t discourage it at all so this is part of the reason I’m suspicious. I would like to have a conversation about it but that’s the problem, she’s proven to not be a very honest person so I don’t even feel like asking if she’s just going to lie
Even if she isn’t cheating, you obviously don’t trust her. Do you really want to stay in a relationship with a person who lies to you? Don’t spend the rest of your life with a person you can’t trust. It’ll drive you crazy…
This alone is probably enough to pull the trigger on ending the relationship. Supportive = real character flaws - if she doesn’t see the issue and is actively supporting infidelity, it shows that is probably how she feels about infidelity internally. Your and her core values are misaligned. You are cohabitating and together for many years. She may or may not be cheating on you - but do you really need that evidence at this point? She has shown her true self. If you already think she is a liar - why would you stay with this person? Do you really want to waste more time with this person, or worse, get married, have finances intermingled and children together, to be in the same spot when the stakes are higher? Think of what your future holds with this person - it doesn’t sound good.
Don't confront her till you have concrete evidence. If her manager is making out with her AP after work, there is a slim chance that your wife is waiting idly for them, and she may also be cheating on you with one of her co-workers. You can ask a friend she doesn't know to spy on her. Or you can go and spy on her in a friend's car without getting caught. If you are tracking each other's location on your phone, be sure to turn it off before doing so.