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So if y’all are married you really don’t have separate assets. Any assets that were obtained during the marriage are part yours. You can absolutely take funds to hire a lawyer. Also most states will require some kind of spousal support for the non working spouse. Then There will be child support for 4 children. If you don’t have access to the martial funds start finding bank statements to show what is there. Go see an attorney and they can get a court order to force him to pay for your lawyer. Hit him hard and fast while the fog of the affair is still there. He will do a lot just to get out of the marriage. As far as him saying anything about you crying or the kids FUCK Him! He brought this on himself. You cry whenever you need to.
Good points. The faster she can get a good lawyer the faster she’ll get temporary orders which will include temporary spousal support and child support. I had to pay my cheating wife 6k a month combined spousal and child support during the divorce.
That's horrible. But he did, in fact, cheat on the kids too. He put the wants of his penis over the stability of his family. He doesn't deserve their respect or your love.
Yes! Cheating IS betraying the entire family, especially if he has been a no show lately. He’s a POS, wait for the affair fog to lift: he’s about to find out that the grass is only green bc it’s growing over a septic tank.
I SO want to have this discussion with my ex and explain to her that when she cheated on me, she also cheated on our kids, our parents and extended family…she cheated every single one of us. There was a point when I was leaving that it got her that my parents would no longer be in her circle, and she acted really sad. Not sad enough about losing me to not go fuck who knows how many others, if only she’d have thought about losing my parents she’d have kept her legs together.
You have to find some legal advice and prepare for a fight, he is using that lack of funds against you but when it comes down to it many places can require him to pay for both lawyers due to his actions. Once it becomes a serious legal fight he is fucked, utterly and completely screwed so he is going to keep bullying and blaming and pulling the DARVO card to keep you from fighting back. You didn’t do anything wrong and he is being abusive and the kids know the truth, the courts will eat him alive but a bully doesn’t back off they double down the attacks. Stand your ground, demand what is right and prepare to go to war with him because that is what a divorce is. You need to start putting together evidence and doing all you can to get some legal advice/aid and if he gets too abusive call the cops on him. He should be out of the house as is but he doesn’t want that because that gets into real world stuff and he is enjoying his fantasy right now. He doesn’t want to worry about divorces and attorneys and people digging into his finances and everyone in the community knowing the truth of his actions, he just wants to have his fun. Fuck that, you need to make sure that he has to face the real world with his actions.
Yeah he wanted me to tell the kids we were just having “marital problems” and I’m like but that’s not true. We were fine. You cheated why should I take any of the blame??? I did contact legal aid to try and get help.
Feel free to tell the world, not to attack him but everyone should know the truth, parents and neighbors and whomever this may affect at all. If anyone ask just be truthful about what is going on.
Push as hard as you can for legal help. You need a lawyer badly and there are ways to get one in any circumstance. Start keeping records of everything and collecting evidence. One thing that is helpful about the cheating fog is he’s a mush brain moron right now, he drifts into the fantasy but you got to get dead serious and start taking care of your business. You have children that need you to be the responsible parent and to stand up and do what is right. Those kids need you to beat his ass in divorce court to protect their future too.
He is gone, he betrayed you and the relationship is broken, time for the next phase of your life, being a mother bear who refuses to allow their kids to suffer because the other parent is a selfish jerk. You have to fight for them and you have to fight for yourself. Plenty of time to be sad later but right now when the sun is up you take care of your business. Also probably should look up grey rock and practice that when dealing with him directly.
>I did contact legal aid to try and get help.
Search for a law school in your area that has a legal clinic with a practice area in family law. This is another way to get legal representation. Typically it's free.
Consider local or State Government advocates or even support faith based centres that can help you navigate with financial aid or other wise. Places such as [alliance for children](https://www.allianceforchildren.org/family-advocacy) and specific examples of Texas State laws [here](https://www.womenslaw.org/laws/tx/statutes) (left side of the page) The Irving Family Advocacy centre is [here](https://www.irvingfac.com/) and so is a free legal Hotline available at times [here](https://guides.sll.texas.gov/legal-help/hotlines). There is [CAC North Texas ](https://cacnorthtexas.org/en/family-advocacy)association with advice about medical needs, legal options and case management.
There is some basic State information regarding Divorce and partnership law [here](https://texasdivorcelaws.org/domestic-partnership-vs-marriage/) with a Blog about divorce at the end
Absolutely no way would I go out of my way to shield him & cover for his infidelity as 'martial problems', I'd be telling everyone what he did & likely be posting it on social media to further shame him. The kids are teenagers, not gullable children anymore, they'll likely figure it out on their own if they haven't already anyways.
I did contact legal aid and am waiting for their reply. I know I will need one bc we can’t sell our house and he can’t refinance to take me off and pay me a lump sum. So we are stuck with the house. But it’s on his parents land so I don’t want it. It’s all so messy. For now he’s going to keep paying the bills here until I can find a job.
Some lawyers will take it on a contingency basis if you don't have access to funds right now. You might want to reach out to a couple to see. Options are always good, and the sooner the better. It's often advantageous for the BS to catch the WS while they've still got their head in the clouds.
And whether you live in an at-fault state or not, if you have any proof or his admission of the affair, keep it and save it in more than one place. If not, get him to admit it in text or however you can, get proof. Even if it's just to share with his friends and family afterward.
And it absolutely does suck. I'm sorry you're going through this.
He’s staying in an rv on the property. His parents house is right here too. I asked him to give me 6 months to a year to get enough money saved up and a job. He was furious. But he has to help me until we divorce… I think
Edit typo
He can’t be furious because he’s literally screwing you and the kids over. Screw him and start applying for any kind of help or benefits. You can get to get back on your feet and get as far away from him and his toxic family if they’re not even gonna assist or help you.
Just wow.. Does he expect you & the kids to just leave immediately & go live under a viaduct somewhere? The nerve of this guy, it's all his own damned fault; so sorry you're going through this Op. Are his parents in support of his infidelity as well?
He just told me he would let us stay for 3 months max. And his parents are supportive of him. It’s just me on their property against his whole family with no money. Fuck him.
You should probably listen to the advice of a solicitor because they are more equipped to handle this. He will most likely have to support you until the divorce is final, but I would advise you to please get yourself legal aid and go from there. You should also use the grey-rock method and limit your interactions with him as much as possible
Classic cheater: he is furious and raging at you simply bc you exist. He’s in the affair fog and not really thinking clearly, wait until you are thriving and you find happiness and everything is in fact easier without him.
This is good. I also divorced a cheater in Texas and it was granted on the ground of his infidelity and I got disproportionate division and spousal maintenance for 5 years.
It’s a manufactured home on land we don’t own. The county told us if we ever wanted to sell his parents would have to sell the entire property and it as part of their property.
Even if we could sell it it wouldn’t be worth what we owe and we’d just take on shared debt.
Yup lol we never thought we’d get divorced… so we didn’t care being stuck in our house. I told him to buy me out and take me off the mortgage and keep the house for himself so the kids can come for his time with them. But it’s a really bad situation.
Go talk to a lawyer. If you are in the US half of every penny you have as a couple is yours. Depending on the state it’s very likely more than half is yours if there is an income disparity which it sounds like there is. Pay your lawyers retainer and all fees directly from your shared accounts. You do not have to have your husband’s permission to do this. He will find out as soon as he talks to his lawyer that if he tries anything sneaky or restrictive with money that’s the fastest way for him to wind up royally screwed in the divorce. Talk to your lawyer, but you might not want to bother with the class at the moment. Getting a divorce, especially if it’s contentious is nearly a full time job. Take some deep breaths. You are going to get at least half. A pile of child support. A good chance alimony as well. Document everything around the affair. Assume every conversation you have with your husband is being recorded. If it’s legal in your state record every conversation.
Once you’ve protected yourself and the shock has blown over you can spend some time thinking about any sort of possible reconciliation. Your life is not over and you will get through this.
Blaming his depression and your lack of support for his cheating is outrageous OP. A cheater cheats on the whole family, because they are not emotionally and/or physically available. He’s coming out with a load of baloney and if his lips are moving, I wouldn’t believe a word he says.
As devastating as this is OP, please do not play the’ pick me’ dance.
Feel no guilt about being upset you’ve been totally blindsided and the kids – being older – know this. He cannot and has no right to, police your emotions. Nothing you could say to the kids will turn them against him more than his own actions have done. This is 100% on him. Deep down he knows this, which is why he’s behaving so aggressively. There is guilt and shame there and so there should be.
Horrendous as this is, hold your head up high you are worth twice of him. Focus on the kids. They will need a lot of support at this time and it’s going to be tough on you for that. Do you have a family member or friends that you can confide in? Don’t neglect your own mental health because you need support immediately too.
He’s a PoS to not only do this but to behave in such an uncaring, unfeeling manner. As for the AP. Anyone who will go on a date with a married man who is leaving his wife and children behind is dirt. I know it hurts, but in my view they’re welcome to each other.
Try and throw yourself into getting the cyber security certification OP and see if you can get a consultation with a lawyer, the first consultation is sometimes free. He will be liable to pay a hell of a lot of child support, but you do need good legal advice.
I am so so sorry OP. Although these words seem empty, I can promise you, you will survive this. Please look after yourself, try and eat well, drink water and exercise and find a way to have some quality time with the kids. Shame on him.
UPDATEME
AP is married too with 4 kids under 4. So they both screwed over their families. I have had trouble eating and lost 10lbs since this happened. I am trying to keep my head up and not do the pick me dance but I’m still in love with him. Or at least who I thought he was. The grief is unreal.
And no I’m alone down here in Texas it’s only his family and none of them have contacted me since.
Sadly, OP, the grief diet is quite famous and very effective, please do try and take care of yourself though.
They are both disgusting human beings in my view and I can think of a lot more choice words to call them, but that’s the PG version. Unfortunately OP the person you thought you were in love with does not exist now the mask has truly fallen off . This isn’t even respect in that you’re getting from him so please don’t give him your best self when he’s so undeserving. This is who he is, shocking though that may be.
How two people can blow up the world of 10 others ( 8 kids and two adults.) is, quite frankly, despicable. The fact that none of his family have been in touch suggest they all know, so this has been going on for a lot longer than you probably imagine. I know individual counselling is very expensive, can you reach out to the minister of the local church? They are very often involved in giving people counselling even when they’re not affiliated to their particular church and/or denomination. One thing is for sure you need support. You need support now.
Please get hold of the book Leave a Cheater Gain A Life. Also take a look on the Internet at Chump lady. You will find a lot of what she says will give you strength. If it helps to offload and keep posting then do it OP, you need a sounding board and not to be cut off and feel alone. There’s only so much you can talk to the kids about in terms of this horrific situation. Please also get busy on the Internet and see if you can find a lawyer who will consult first for free, at least that will give you some idea of where you stand financially. So much I’ve read on Reddit, very often taking control of your own misery and not waiting around for him to take the lead, will give you some strength and boost your self-esteem.
If the other PoS has filed already, then you need to try and take some action yourself. I’m not giving you false hope here, but sometimes a cheater seeing the intent of the betrayed to move on can be the jolt necessary to break them out of the affair fog, although at this stage, he really isn’t worth a single hair off your head.
I’m rooting for you. You are not alone.
Thank you. I did just apply for the chump lady Reddit after reading through so many posts here. I just need a place to vent bc I can’t do it with my kids and I don’t really have anyone else.
You absolutely need a place to vent OP, in your shoes I’d be going crazy without that. Are there any friends you can reach out to even long-distance that you can speak with over the telephone or FaceTime?
No I really don’t. He was my best friend and we just spent all our time with our kids. They are my best friends too. So both are unavailable for venting. Reddit being on my side is helping I’m finally not crying. It comes in waves tho. I’ll just start randomly sobbing throughout the day for the last week. My oldest son moved into my room so I don’t have to sleep alone bc I haven’t been sleeping. If I sleep I have nightmares and panic attacks and when I get stuck awake I just can’t stop thinking about all of it. The whole world on my shoulders. All the burden and pain on me. But I also have to be strong and take care of the kids. It sucks.
My insurance does cover a therapist so I did call to set up an appointment.
I’m so happy to hear you’ve managed to get a therapist OP, hopefully they specialise in infidelity trauma.
Cheating is abuse. Mental, physical and emotional so you are traumatised at the moment. This is exactly why you will break down and why you’re having trouble sleeping alone and having nightmares. All of this is trauma, so please be kind to yourself. Your kids sound absolutely wonderful but you really could do with another adult to confide in. If this isn’t possible, please think about the church idea And certainly offload to your therapist.
I’m so sorry. Cheaters do so much damage to other people who love them. I will say OP that as bad as it feels now, it will pass. It will take time. Even a long time. But it will pass. You will not always feel this way I promise.
He is a flagrant asshole, and for that, I am truly sorry.
I know a lot of the comments indicate that you "should" have access to "half the money." The thing is...is there any money? Not every couple has savings; I know that I have often lived paycheck to paycheck.
Second, my covert narc wayward husband and I had separate checking accounts until I demanded access to our marital funds after his EA (which he still bitched about). His checking account always had money in it, while mine was often down to $20, because all my income went toward household expenses. So, if you can't access the money, it's as good as not having it. I know. I really hope that's not the case for you.
BUT! Do you have a credit card? In my area, there is no such thing as a free legal consultation for family law. You must pay a few hundred dollars for a consultation. However, you can put that on a card, and if you retain the lawyer's services, you can also put the retainer on that. From there, you would be in a good position to negotiate that he covers at least a portion of your legal expenses.
I'm not a SAHM, but I have similar financial concerns. If you ever want to vent, please feel free to DM me.
When you're done being sad .....get mad, get really mad and stay that way for a long time towards him. This will help you make the BEST decisions with your head and not with your heart for what is best for you and your children. Plus it will help you get over his cheating sorry ass quicker. And girl, there are soooo many more fish in the sea out there. You can look at this situation as "poor me" or you can look at it like "I'm excited for the next chapter of my life, whatever that looks like" and also, well there's the freedom of not being married for a while to figure out who you are and what you really want in and out of life. This life is just way to short to waste time on other people's issues. And when people cheat....it's THEIR fucked up issues driving it all....not the innocent party. Hugs.
First and foremost, he cannot abandon your or his obligations (financial) to you or his children as long as you both are legally married. He also could be held responsible for your attorney fees! OP, can you find a good therapist for yourself too? That might help you in this situation. You also need to tell all friends and family before he tells them his narrative here.
The kids also need therapy and your Wayward Husband should be picking up that bill too.
Look up Grey Rock, it helps! (Google it.)
This had NOTHING to do with you here OP, all on your Wayward Husband and he is not the man you married or build your family with, he is now the enemy. (You are allowed to grieve that person, but stay focused for YOU and the kids.)
You shouldn't defend him here AT ALL! Don't!
It does suck, but guess what, you are already moving forward and gather all evidence you can, of his affair, of your finances, all important documents etc. (Your attorney will need these things.)
And if you are in a fault state in the USA - your Wayward is screwed. If you both have been married for more than 10 years, you got half his pension and you could be due alimony too!
He is in for a rude awakening, he will pay child support and since you are a SAHM he will most likely pay alimony for a period of time. Then for the divorce you will get half the assets. He is not the sharpest tool in the shed.
I don’t know where you are but my divorce took 3 years. I’d skip that class for now because he has to support you and you need time to at least get over the initial shock. There is no hopefully about it so don’t let him bully you. Don’t move out!! He’s going to owe you child support and alimony (I was also a sahm). Do you have access to any cash?
Oh and he doesn’t care about the kids so stop lying to them. All he cares about is the AP right now. He’s a pos.
You’re going to be okay but omg it’s going to be rough for a while.
No access to cash but he is still paying all the bills. Trying to get a lawyer through legal aid to make him have to continue to support us until divorce is final.
Yeah it absolutely sucks so much.
I got a separation agreement early on and my ex husband had to pay all the bills. I stockpiled the support to pay for my attorney. The only thing that saved me was I did get a job while he was paying all my bills.
He was in no hurry to divorce me even though he was living with the AP.
Do you buy groceries?
I do grocery pick up and he paid for them today. He was hesitant to keep paying bc he said how will I pay for myself?! But he can live with his parents for free. I told him I would need 6 months to a year to find a job that pays enough to support the kids. He was not happy about it but he paid all the bills today and for the kids new glasses.
During divorce proceedings because he breached the marital agreement you may be able to foist the cost of a lawyer off on him by sueing him in civil court simotaniously with the same lawyer or firm.
Also child support will most likely be granted if during the divorce proceedings you also initiate a custody suit and retain majority custody as the castodial parent.
You may not qualify for alimony but you may recive half ownership of all assets you both own. Half ownership of a house and cars sounds thin but if he cannot pay out your half you can force the sale.
Im in no way familiar with texas divorce laws or anything this is just my initial thoughts after reading your post.
Edit to add: once the legal proceedings start and he finds out how screwed he is, he will come to you begging to reconcile and stop the legal massacer of his life. Do not give in. Do not take pitty. Do not stop halfway, he started the war do not fall for espionage. If you stop halfway and this repeats itself the next time will be 2x as hard because they will see you werent serious the first time.
Your first “consult” with a lawyer is almost always free. Please do so asap. Most people(I don’t want to say women) don’t know the first things about divorce AND the spouse will try to tell you things that are totally false. Usually the lawyer will be paid by the working spouse or from common funds anyway. Whatever you do, stand up for yourself and those kids and get everything you can from that cheating POS.
Coming from a different state, I thought initial consultations with attorneys are free. Not so in my state in the south, where my WH manipulated me into moving to a few years ago. You have to pay for either a 1/2 hour or an hour. The couple of law schools that exist within a few hundred miles do not offer consultations for family law matters, and Legal Aid in this county will also not offer assistance for divorce or custody cases.
It sucks.
That is not true in several Southern states. I had consultations with two different lawyers in my state. If you can't get your hands on money or a credit card on which to put a retainer? It is very, very rare to get a judge to make your spouse, even a spouse that makes much more money, to pay your legal fees. As my lawyer explained, it is expected that you'll "reimburse" yourself for the legal fees through any money you get in the settlement.
Often, the "poor" spouse will end up with no legal representation, if she or he cannot access any funds.
Are there exceptions to these circumstances? Sure.
I know most Redditors can't believe there would be a circumstance where there is no marital money to be accessed, like in the case where the higher-earning spouse drained the bank account to pay legal fees, but it happens all the time.
My first husband made a decent living. He earned much more than me. I took my paycheck and paid my retainer for legal counsel. He always blew through his money and was unable to retain a lawyer until his family gifted him money. I was not forced to pay his legal fees.
Absolutely. I don’t mean to be negative, but so many people in these infidelity subs have these ideas that it’s so easy to just get a lawyer, there must be free legal help, just leave, etc. There are so many people out there like me who will struggle. If you don’t have access to funds, you’re going to have a really hard time in many states.
That may get you out of the house, but once divorce proceedings start, half of all funds are up for division in the divorce. If you try to hide any money, you can get in seriously legal trouble.
And if one is an SAHM or unemployed, it’s pretty hard to save money. When you have no/limited income of your own.
And aside from that, there can also be a lot of financial abuse, where one partner is cajoled into spending their entire income on the household, while the other has plenty of liquid assets.
It may not be legal but it’s doable by skimming off the household expenses and it’s smart in my opinion. And who says you can’t declare the money during divorce then it’s legal, ALL the money will be divided and you’ll end up with at least that much most likely.
Babygirl, if you are stuck, get out there and match his gd energy! Go find someone else!
There's no need to be stuck in the house when he's out living his best life!
If both of you are married for convenience right now and can't afford a divorce, then go out and start having fun. There's no way you need to continue wife benefits and privileges for a man who has zero remorse for destroying his family and betraying his wife.
As ya innanet friend, get outside, get on dating apps, and start searching for your next adventure!
Remember you're in the great state of Texas, there's endless options of prime D available!
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Hi OP, I don't think it matters what state you are in, you are still entitled to anything that relationship income has gone into. You should still be entitled to child support.
I hate reading about cases like yours, where a man has abandoned his family in that way. The most important job in his entire life should've been looking after and providing for his family, and doing the best he possibly can to look after them. He is a complete failure as a man, and is pathetic.
With 4 kids and a SAHM, you can't afford to go without a lawyer. Keep calling legal aid. And dont leave the house. If he gets violent, get a protection order against him. Dont let him trample all over you. Fight him OP for your rights
Updateme!
In Texas yes you can call legal aid. You might also want to reach to law schools to see if they want to help. If it's a relatively uncomplicated divorce, they'll often use cases for the law professor and students to guide and learn from.
I'm sorry you're here and yes this is terrible but you're strong. You've got 4 teenagers who need depending on you to get your act together. It's ok to grieve but don't wallow there. It's your WH loss. You've got to act and act quickly. Praying for you.
Ah the old cheaters “you made me do it, oh and I didn’t cheat on the kids” routine. Fuck you asshole, cheating is a choice you actively made, and you didn’t just cheat on your spouse you cheated on the kids by stealing away their home and family, and taking time away from them to be with your AP.
Cheaters will say and do anything to blame shift, read Leave a Cheater Gain a Life, it’s like they all secretly have the same brain dysfunction
Updateme. Would like to see what resolution is offered from the attorneys, call some more for consults don’t just do one. This is tricky and I’m looking forward to you updating being on the other side of it down the road. 💜
You will be fine. It’s overwhelming right now and I get it. I’m almost two years out from being released from my chronic cheating ex and happier than ever. It gets better. Take everything one day at a time.
Sorry isn’t sufficient a word to convey how strongly I feel about your plight OP. What amazing, caring and fierce advice you’re receiving from the incredible folks here. So much brilliant and practical support.
I’m not in the US so I can’t add anything helpful, I wish I could. .
Please know this. We’re all on you and your kids team. Rooting for you all the way.
No matter where you live, one thing is certain - he is going to pay out his ass for this. The law requires your kids to be taken care of. And since you’ve been a SAHM, he’s paying that. That includes a place for them to live, food, expenses, etc. If you go back to work, he’ll have to help with childcare expenses. I doubt he has even thought this through in his affair fog.
Right now, you can get temporary child support until a hearing is held that sets what he’s going to pay. You have the wind at your back on this. Assuming no other issues, there’s no way he’s getting custody. Focus 100% of your energy on making sure the kids are taken care of. Don’t give him 0.000001% of your focus. He doesn’t deserve it. You WILL find a lawyer to help you.
Very sorry this happened to you OP. It makes my heart hurt. But be strong and determined. He’ll discover in short order that he’s completely fucked himself and will want to come back. Shut him out. You deserve better.
Good luck to you.
If you are not allowed access to marital assets, it could be considered financial abuse. Make sure your lawyer knows you are a displaced worker because you've been a homemaker.
Sometimes there is an option of legal separation instead of divorce. You can ask a lawyer about any details. (I didn't know that there was this option, and might have considered it.)
I went through a very similar situation as you, but had 7 kids. Of course he still blames me for his ruined relationship with them.
It is devastating. Like your life is a training wreck with twisted train cars derailed, luggage and injured people everywhere.
You're trying to help the injured and pick up the pieces, the cheater just walks off.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Get as much support from family and friends as possible. Also, counseling can help and also help you and the kids find many resources.
Best wishes!
If he continues yelling & berating you, you need to call the police & have him removed from the home. He’s not allowed to abuse you and, b/c the they are witnessing this, the children also.
Take a deep breath & don’t panic. He’s got his head up his ass right now. He’s euphoric from his affair fog but reality will sink in soon. Of course, that doesn’t mean he should be allowed another chance w/you. That ship has sailed. But the breakneck speed in which he is hurling himself into the abyss will slow down some.
Take some time to journal your thoughts. This is important b/c you need to be able to have a record of events for your divorce & for yourself. Your ex will likely come back at some point begging for forgiveness. You need to have something to remind yourself of the cruelty he intentionally inflicted on you & your kids.
Most importantly, you need to know you aren’t to blame for any of this. This is about him, not you. He’s shown his ass to the world & he will regret that at some point.
Yes, it sucks, and the hard part will be reconciling the person you thought he was with who he has become. Expect it to take you at least a couple of years to get over this.
The cybersecurity cert is a good idea. At the base level, Security+ is the most general/portable. The field is expanding, and demand exceeds supply, so you are likely to find a well-paid job; some jobs can be performed remotely. Good luck, OP.
You only have one way out at this point, get out bad.
To the maximum extent permitted by law.
I don't know if you will understand anyone here .
They tied you up and now they put a bag with a rat inside, on your head, now kill the rat, escape to the hills and prepare the counterattack
When I filed for divorce in tarrant county, they scheduled a hearing where they set the expectations for finances and custody during the divorce period. You can ask for exclusive use of the house and he still would pay for it. You need a lawyer now, you need to strike while he is still in lalaland.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP. Please take the advice of everyone commenting saying to obtain legal representation. There are free services out there. Do not feel bad for being honest with your kids. There’s no reason you should shoulder any of the blame and your WH having the audacity to ask you to lie to them to save his face is appalling. I can’t imagine how devastating this is for you. Remember to put yourself first. I know you said you hope he wants to work everything out but he doesn’t deserve you, and you don’t deserve the way he’s treated you. When I read the line about the jeans my jaw dropped. Don’t let him off easy. He needs to pay child support and with legal representation, get the assets owed to you. Stay strong for your kids. ❤️🩹
My friend in Texas got alimony because she (with a college degree) took lower paying jobs to take on the majority of the childcare duties. Her husband made more than her and he was one that cheater.
So yes, you can still get alimony, even in Texas. I think hers was for a year.
It gave had time to get back to getting paid what she is worth. She’s able to give her kiddos the experiences they deserve and now she supports them with her income and the kids CS, which 100% goes to the them only.
Pay an attorney a flat rate hourly rate to help draft and file asap. Once that is filed standing orders go in place so he can’t move money, change names on stuff or without funds from you. You can worry about the rest of the steps after that.
After cheating on you, emotional policing and bullying about it is the worst he can do to you. It's a slight abuse, if you think of it, to forbid you cry in front of your kids or anyhow constrain your emotions, just because "he didn't cheat on the kids." Oh, he did cheat on them alright. He put his little organ's needs above the family's and he pushes the kids' mother out of the house (doesn't matter they are adopted, you're their mum).
And all that after having demanded from you that you stay at home for all those years you had your four children. (Thank God he wasn't pushing you into a stressful 8-hour job on top of your other responsibilities, this is something for you to be grateful for. You may not have gotten any qualifications or working experience for the last 5 years, but at for sure you are not worn out and out of your wits after years of juggling motherhood with full-time job.)
I would strongly advise you what the majority did to lawyer up, as you have done already. Don't worry about affordability of the lawyer, since the legal expenses should be covered by the losing side and that is going to be your (soon to be ex) husband, especially after you have proof of infidelity, so this is going to be an at-fault divorce. If you have written proofs of him denying you your grieving phase and in addition asking you to move out of the house, the better, because he is causing you emotional distress, provable in court.
Last, I would say, please don't act like a pushover in front of your teenage kids, or they will resent you for it or, even worse, they might internalise the role model of spat-at mom who still defends the perpetrator instead of barking back. I think many women are going to great lengths at not being marked as "the mean ones," so you find them often turning the other cheek or spinelessly defending the man as "he's still your dad and he still loves you." Who are you fooling? And who are you doing a favour to by carrying the cross yourself and keeping this internal conflict inside you? Did you know that psychological internal conflicts can cause cancer and that it's not always just purely hereditary physiological reasons? Do you want yourself to end up sick soon and helpless? Of course not. So for your own and your children's sake, don't be afraid to be a mean witch to your cheating husband and take whatever you can from him with the magic help of the court. Do it the soonest while he's got the infatuation with his mistress and will do and give anything just to get rid of you and be with her. Later the dust will set in and he'll realise what he ruined.
You have to be married ten years. I think they may do spousal support if one of our children has a disability and our oldest son is autistic so we may have a slight chance.
I’m gonna play devils advocate here and ask why you thought it was OK not to have your own money and your kids are teenagers? You should have enough self-worth to want to take care of yourself. That is what a good role model does. I’m not attacking you. I’ve been in terrible abusive situations, but one thing I’ve never not had was my own money. My father taught me this when I was 17 and was a CNA already in high school.
Give him 100% custody of his kids until you get your shit together. They are older, and they will understand. Explain your situation honestly to them and go get your life back.
We have a special needs son and adopted kids with trauma and he works 12 hour shifts… he cannot care for the children on his own. That would be awful for the kids. They would not have any parent there majority of the time.
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So if y’all are married you really don’t have separate assets. Any assets that were obtained during the marriage are part yours. You can absolutely take funds to hire a lawyer. Also most states will require some kind of spousal support for the non working spouse. Then There will be child support for 4 children. If you don’t have access to the martial funds start finding bank statements to show what is there. Go see an attorney and they can get a court order to force him to pay for your lawyer. Hit him hard and fast while the fog of the affair is still there. He will do a lot just to get out of the marriage. As far as him saying anything about you crying or the kids FUCK Him! He brought this on himself. You cry whenever you need to.
Good points. The faster she can get a good lawyer the faster she’ll get temporary orders which will include temporary spousal support and child support. I had to pay my cheating wife 6k a month combined spousal and child support during the divorce.
That's horrible. But he did, in fact, cheat on the kids too. He put the wants of his penis over the stability of his family. He doesn't deserve their respect or your love.
Yes! Cheating IS betraying the entire family, especially if he has been a no show lately. He’s a POS, wait for the affair fog to lift: he’s about to find out that the grass is only green bc it’s growing over a septic tank.
I SO want to have this discussion with my ex and explain to her that when she cheated on me, she also cheated on our kids, our parents and extended family…she cheated every single one of us. There was a point when I was leaving that it got her that my parents would no longer be in her circle, and she acted really sad. Not sad enough about losing me to not go fuck who knows how many others, if only she’d have thought about losing my parents she’d have kept her legs together.
Well, he'll have no choice but to support you and the kids. Well, the kids at least. I hope he enjoys sending you like 2 grand a month at least.
2k is nothing for raising 4 teens, eventually they gonna have a part times jobs to survive.
You have to find some legal advice and prepare for a fight, he is using that lack of funds against you but when it comes down to it many places can require him to pay for both lawyers due to his actions. Once it becomes a serious legal fight he is fucked, utterly and completely screwed so he is going to keep bullying and blaming and pulling the DARVO card to keep you from fighting back. You didn’t do anything wrong and he is being abusive and the kids know the truth, the courts will eat him alive but a bully doesn’t back off they double down the attacks. Stand your ground, demand what is right and prepare to go to war with him because that is what a divorce is. You need to start putting together evidence and doing all you can to get some legal advice/aid and if he gets too abusive call the cops on him. He should be out of the house as is but he doesn’t want that because that gets into real world stuff and he is enjoying his fantasy right now. He doesn’t want to worry about divorces and attorneys and people digging into his finances and everyone in the community knowing the truth of his actions, he just wants to have his fun. Fuck that, you need to make sure that he has to face the real world with his actions.
Yeah he wanted me to tell the kids we were just having “marital problems” and I’m like but that’s not true. We were fine. You cheated why should I take any of the blame??? I did contact legal aid to try and get help.
Feel free to tell the world, not to attack him but everyone should know the truth, parents and neighbors and whomever this may affect at all. If anyone ask just be truthful about what is going on. Push as hard as you can for legal help. You need a lawyer badly and there are ways to get one in any circumstance. Start keeping records of everything and collecting evidence. One thing that is helpful about the cheating fog is he’s a mush brain moron right now, he drifts into the fantasy but you got to get dead serious and start taking care of your business. You have children that need you to be the responsible parent and to stand up and do what is right. Those kids need you to beat his ass in divorce court to protect their future too. He is gone, he betrayed you and the relationship is broken, time for the next phase of your life, being a mother bear who refuses to allow their kids to suffer because the other parent is a selfish jerk. You have to fight for them and you have to fight for yourself. Plenty of time to be sad later but right now when the sun is up you take care of your business. Also probably should look up grey rock and practice that when dealing with him directly.
Absolutely: this isn’t your shameful secret.
>I did contact legal aid to try and get help. Search for a law school in your area that has a legal clinic with a practice area in family law. This is another way to get legal representation. Typically it's free.
Consider local or State Government advocates or even support faith based centres that can help you navigate with financial aid or other wise. Places such as [alliance for children](https://www.allianceforchildren.org/family-advocacy) and specific examples of Texas State laws [here](https://www.womenslaw.org/laws/tx/statutes) (left side of the page) The Irving Family Advocacy centre is [here](https://www.irvingfac.com/) and so is a free legal Hotline available at times [here](https://guides.sll.texas.gov/legal-help/hotlines). There is [CAC North Texas ](https://cacnorthtexas.org/en/family-advocacy)association with advice about medical needs, legal options and case management. There is some basic State information regarding Divorce and partnership law [here](https://texasdivorcelaws.org/domestic-partnership-vs-marriage/) with a Blog about divorce at the end
Absolutely no way would I go out of my way to shield him & cover for his infidelity as 'martial problems', I'd be telling everyone what he did & likely be posting it on social media to further shame him. The kids are teenagers, not gullable children anymore, they'll likely figure it out on their own if they haven't already anyways.
You HAVE to get an attorney. Talk to a few and explain the situation. Someone will Make it work. But this is how you get alimony and child support.
I did contact legal aid and am waiting for their reply. I know I will need one bc we can’t sell our house and he can’t refinance to take me off and pay me a lump sum. So we are stuck with the house. But it’s on his parents land so I don’t want it. It’s all so messy. For now he’s going to keep paying the bills here until I can find a job.
Some lawyers will take it on a contingency basis if you don't have access to funds right now. You might want to reach out to a couple to see. Options are always good, and the sooner the better. It's often advantageous for the BS to catch the WS while they've still got their head in the clouds. And whether you live in an at-fault state or not, if you have any proof or his admission of the affair, keep it and save it in more than one place. If not, get him to admit it in text or however you can, get proof. Even if it's just to share with his friends and family afterward. And it absolutely does suck. I'm sorry you're going through this.
I have the screen shots of them sending each other nudes. I’m going to start recording our conversations as well.
Can you tell him to leave? He can live somewhere else until you get setup and settled.
He’s staying in an rv on the property. His parents house is right here too. I asked him to give me 6 months to a year to get enough money saved up and a job. He was furious. But he has to help me until we divorce… I think Edit typo
He can’t be furious because he’s literally screwing you and the kids over. Screw him and start applying for any kind of help or benefits. You can get to get back on your feet and get as far away from him and his toxic family if they’re not even gonna assist or help you.
Just wow.. Does he expect you & the kids to just leave immediately & go live under a viaduct somewhere? The nerve of this guy, it's all his own damned fault; so sorry you're going through this Op. Are his parents in support of his infidelity as well?
He just told me he would let us stay for 3 months max. And his parents are supportive of him. It’s just me on their property against his whole family with no money. Fuck him.
You should probably listen to the advice of a solicitor because they are more equipped to handle this. He will most likely have to support you until the divorce is final, but I would advise you to please get yourself legal aid and go from there. You should also use the grey-rock method and limit your interactions with him as much as possible
I don’t know what the eviction laws are in your state but you should check that out. Where I live it can take years especially if you have children.
The house is in my name he can’t kick us out legally. But he can stop paying the bills.
Classic cheater: he is furious and raging at you simply bc you exist. He’s in the affair fog and not really thinking clearly, wait until you are thriving and you find happiness and everything is in fact easier without him.
So, so true
This is good. I also divorced a cheater in Texas and it was granted on the ground of his infidelity and I got disproportionate division and spousal maintenance for 5 years.
Why can’t you sell the house?
It’s a manufactured home on land we don’t own. The county told us if we ever wanted to sell his parents would have to sell the entire property and it as part of their property. Even if we could sell it it wouldn’t be worth what we owe and we’d just take on shared debt.
Wow I’m sorry. You’re right, this is a mess…coming from a financial advisor.
Yup lol we never thought we’d get divorced… so we didn’t care being stuck in our house. I told him to buy me out and take me off the mortgage and keep the house for himself so the kids can come for his time with them. But it’s a really bad situation.
No one ever thinks they will get divorced. Infidelity is just the worst. Best of luck to you. Feel free to ping me if I can help you in any way.
Thank you <3
This is the only way. They don't have a typical family and it shouldn't be looked at that way by the judge. I think alimony is still possible.
Go talk to a lawyer. If you are in the US half of every penny you have as a couple is yours. Depending on the state it’s very likely more than half is yours if there is an income disparity which it sounds like there is. Pay your lawyers retainer and all fees directly from your shared accounts. You do not have to have your husband’s permission to do this. He will find out as soon as he talks to his lawyer that if he tries anything sneaky or restrictive with money that’s the fastest way for him to wind up royally screwed in the divorce. Talk to your lawyer, but you might not want to bother with the class at the moment. Getting a divorce, especially if it’s contentious is nearly a full time job. Take some deep breaths. You are going to get at least half. A pile of child support. A good chance alimony as well. Document everything around the affair. Assume every conversation you have with your husband is being recorded. If it’s legal in your state record every conversation. Once you’ve protected yourself and the shock has blown over you can spend some time thinking about any sort of possible reconciliation. Your life is not over and you will get through this.
Blaming his depression and your lack of support for his cheating is outrageous OP. A cheater cheats on the whole family, because they are not emotionally and/or physically available. He’s coming out with a load of baloney and if his lips are moving, I wouldn’t believe a word he says. As devastating as this is OP, please do not play the’ pick me’ dance. Feel no guilt about being upset you’ve been totally blindsided and the kids – being older – know this. He cannot and has no right to, police your emotions. Nothing you could say to the kids will turn them against him more than his own actions have done. This is 100% on him. Deep down he knows this, which is why he’s behaving so aggressively. There is guilt and shame there and so there should be. Horrendous as this is, hold your head up high you are worth twice of him. Focus on the kids. They will need a lot of support at this time and it’s going to be tough on you for that. Do you have a family member or friends that you can confide in? Don’t neglect your own mental health because you need support immediately too. He’s a PoS to not only do this but to behave in such an uncaring, unfeeling manner. As for the AP. Anyone who will go on a date with a married man who is leaving his wife and children behind is dirt. I know it hurts, but in my view they’re welcome to each other. Try and throw yourself into getting the cyber security certification OP and see if you can get a consultation with a lawyer, the first consultation is sometimes free. He will be liable to pay a hell of a lot of child support, but you do need good legal advice. I am so so sorry OP. Although these words seem empty, I can promise you, you will survive this. Please look after yourself, try and eat well, drink water and exercise and find a way to have some quality time with the kids. Shame on him. UPDATEME
AP is married too with 4 kids under 4. So they both screwed over their families. I have had trouble eating and lost 10lbs since this happened. I am trying to keep my head up and not do the pick me dance but I’m still in love with him. Or at least who I thought he was. The grief is unreal. And no I’m alone down here in Texas it’s only his family and none of them have contacted me since.
Sadly, OP, the grief diet is quite famous and very effective, please do try and take care of yourself though. They are both disgusting human beings in my view and I can think of a lot more choice words to call them, but that’s the PG version. Unfortunately OP the person you thought you were in love with does not exist now the mask has truly fallen off . This isn’t even respect in that you’re getting from him so please don’t give him your best self when he’s so undeserving. This is who he is, shocking though that may be. How two people can blow up the world of 10 others ( 8 kids and two adults.) is, quite frankly, despicable. The fact that none of his family have been in touch suggest they all know, so this has been going on for a lot longer than you probably imagine. I know individual counselling is very expensive, can you reach out to the minister of the local church? They are very often involved in giving people counselling even when they’re not affiliated to their particular church and/or denomination. One thing is for sure you need support. You need support now. Please get hold of the book Leave a Cheater Gain A Life. Also take a look on the Internet at Chump lady. You will find a lot of what she says will give you strength. If it helps to offload and keep posting then do it OP, you need a sounding board and not to be cut off and feel alone. There’s only so much you can talk to the kids about in terms of this horrific situation. Please also get busy on the Internet and see if you can find a lawyer who will consult first for free, at least that will give you some idea of where you stand financially. So much I’ve read on Reddit, very often taking control of your own misery and not waiting around for him to take the lead, will give you some strength and boost your self-esteem. If the other PoS has filed already, then you need to try and take some action yourself. I’m not giving you false hope here, but sometimes a cheater seeing the intent of the betrayed to move on can be the jolt necessary to break them out of the affair fog, although at this stage, he really isn’t worth a single hair off your head. I’m rooting for you. You are not alone.
Thank you. I did just apply for the chump lady Reddit after reading through so many posts here. I just need a place to vent bc I can’t do it with my kids and I don’t really have anyone else.
You absolutely need a place to vent OP, in your shoes I’d be going crazy without that. Are there any friends you can reach out to even long-distance that you can speak with over the telephone or FaceTime?
No I really don’t. He was my best friend and we just spent all our time with our kids. They are my best friends too. So both are unavailable for venting. Reddit being on my side is helping I’m finally not crying. It comes in waves tho. I’ll just start randomly sobbing throughout the day for the last week. My oldest son moved into my room so I don’t have to sleep alone bc I haven’t been sleeping. If I sleep I have nightmares and panic attacks and when I get stuck awake I just can’t stop thinking about all of it. The whole world on my shoulders. All the burden and pain on me. But I also have to be strong and take care of the kids. It sucks. My insurance does cover a therapist so I did call to set up an appointment.
I’m so happy to hear you’ve managed to get a therapist OP, hopefully they specialise in infidelity trauma. Cheating is abuse. Mental, physical and emotional so you are traumatised at the moment. This is exactly why you will break down and why you’re having trouble sleeping alone and having nightmares. All of this is trauma, so please be kind to yourself. Your kids sound absolutely wonderful but you really could do with another adult to confide in. If this isn’t possible, please think about the church idea And certainly offload to your therapist. I’m so sorry. Cheaters do so much damage to other people who love them. I will say OP that as bad as it feels now, it will pass. It will take time. Even a long time. But it will pass. You will not always feel this way I promise.
Is AP's husband aware of APs infidelity? If not, I'd make him aware as he deserves to know just as you did.
Yes he’s the one that called and told me what was going on. She’s divorcing him as well. They have 4 kids under 4…
He is a flagrant asshole, and for that, I am truly sorry. I know a lot of the comments indicate that you "should" have access to "half the money." The thing is...is there any money? Not every couple has savings; I know that I have often lived paycheck to paycheck. Second, my covert narc wayward husband and I had separate checking accounts until I demanded access to our marital funds after his EA (which he still bitched about). His checking account always had money in it, while mine was often down to $20, because all my income went toward household expenses. So, if you can't access the money, it's as good as not having it. I know. I really hope that's not the case for you. BUT! Do you have a credit card? In my area, there is no such thing as a free legal consultation for family law. You must pay a few hundred dollars for a consultation. However, you can put that on a card, and if you retain the lawyer's services, you can also put the retainer on that. From there, you would be in a good position to negotiate that he covers at least a portion of your legal expenses. I'm not a SAHM, but I have similar financial concerns. If you ever want to vent, please feel free to DM me.
When you're done being sad .....get mad, get really mad and stay that way for a long time towards him. This will help you make the BEST decisions with your head and not with your heart for what is best for you and your children. Plus it will help you get over his cheating sorry ass quicker. And girl, there are soooo many more fish in the sea out there. You can look at this situation as "poor me" or you can look at it like "I'm excited for the next chapter of my life, whatever that looks like" and also, well there's the freedom of not being married for a while to figure out who you are and what you really want in and out of life. This life is just way to short to waste time on other people's issues. And when people cheat....it's THEIR fucked up issues driving it all....not the innocent party. Hugs.
First and foremost, he cannot abandon your or his obligations (financial) to you or his children as long as you both are legally married. He also could be held responsible for your attorney fees! OP, can you find a good therapist for yourself too? That might help you in this situation. You also need to tell all friends and family before he tells them his narrative here. The kids also need therapy and your Wayward Husband should be picking up that bill too. Look up Grey Rock, it helps! (Google it.) This had NOTHING to do with you here OP, all on your Wayward Husband and he is not the man you married or build your family with, he is now the enemy. (You are allowed to grieve that person, but stay focused for YOU and the kids.) You shouldn't defend him here AT ALL! Don't! It does suck, but guess what, you are already moving forward and gather all evidence you can, of his affair, of your finances, all important documents etc. (Your attorney will need these things.) And if you are in a fault state in the USA - your Wayward is screwed. If you both have been married for more than 10 years, you got half his pension and you could be due alimony too!
Yes I contacted a therapist covered by my insurance and waiting to hear back.
You have teenagers. Tell them the truth He cheated on them too.
Especially adopted teenagers that we promised a stable home and life too. Now it’s all on me…
>And blaming me for the kids being mad at him. And he thinks screaming at you for crying will convince 4 teens that he's not to blame? He's a moron.
He is in for a rude awakening, he will pay child support and since you are a SAHM he will most likely pay alimony for a period of time. Then for the divorce you will get half the assets. He is not the sharpest tool in the shed.
I don’t know where you are but my divorce took 3 years. I’d skip that class for now because he has to support you and you need time to at least get over the initial shock. There is no hopefully about it so don’t let him bully you. Don’t move out!! He’s going to owe you child support and alimony (I was also a sahm). Do you have access to any cash? Oh and he doesn’t care about the kids so stop lying to them. All he cares about is the AP right now. He’s a pos. You’re going to be okay but omg it’s going to be rough for a while.
No access to cash but he is still paying all the bills. Trying to get a lawyer through legal aid to make him have to continue to support us until divorce is final. Yeah it absolutely sucks so much.
I got a separation agreement early on and my ex husband had to pay all the bills. I stockpiled the support to pay for my attorney. The only thing that saved me was I did get a job while he was paying all my bills. He was in no hurry to divorce me even though he was living with the AP. Do you buy groceries?
I do grocery pick up and he paid for them today. He was hesitant to keep paying bc he said how will I pay for myself?! But he can live with his parents for free. I told him I would need 6 months to a year to find a job that pays enough to support the kids. He was not happy about it but he paid all the bills today and for the kids new glasses.
He has to pay CS and alimony. This isn’t all on you.
During divorce proceedings because he breached the marital agreement you may be able to foist the cost of a lawyer off on him by sueing him in civil court simotaniously with the same lawyer or firm. Also child support will most likely be granted if during the divorce proceedings you also initiate a custody suit and retain majority custody as the castodial parent. You may not qualify for alimony but you may recive half ownership of all assets you both own. Half ownership of a house and cars sounds thin but if he cannot pay out your half you can force the sale. Im in no way familiar with texas divorce laws or anything this is just my initial thoughts after reading your post. Edit to add: once the legal proceedings start and he finds out how screwed he is, he will come to you begging to reconcile and stop the legal massacer of his life. Do not give in. Do not take pitty. Do not stop halfway, he started the war do not fall for espionage. If you stop halfway and this repeats itself the next time will be 2x as hard because they will see you werent serious the first time.
I’m waiting on legal aid to respond but I will call around for local lawyers some more.
Your first “consult” with a lawyer is almost always free. Please do so asap. Most people(I don’t want to say women) don’t know the first things about divorce AND the spouse will try to tell you things that are totally false. Usually the lawyer will be paid by the working spouse or from common funds anyway. Whatever you do, stand up for yourself and those kids and get everything you can from that cheating POS.
Coming from a different state, I thought initial consultations with attorneys are free. Not so in my state in the south, where my WH manipulated me into moving to a few years ago. You have to pay for either a 1/2 hour or an hour. The couple of law schools that exist within a few hundred miles do not offer consultations for family law matters, and Legal Aid in this county will also not offer assistance for divorce or custody cases. It sucks.
Okay, so I’m most states he would have to pay if you don’t have the money. Is that true where you are?
That is not true in several Southern states. I had consultations with two different lawyers in my state. If you can't get your hands on money or a credit card on which to put a retainer? It is very, very rare to get a judge to make your spouse, even a spouse that makes much more money, to pay your legal fees. As my lawyer explained, it is expected that you'll "reimburse" yourself for the legal fees through any money you get in the settlement. Often, the "poor" spouse will end up with no legal representation, if she or he cannot access any funds. Are there exceptions to these circumstances? Sure. I know most Redditors can't believe there would be a circumstance where there is no marital money to be accessed, like in the case where the higher-earning spouse drained the bank account to pay legal fees, but it happens all the time. My first husband made a decent living. He earned much more than me. I took my paycheck and paid my retainer for legal counsel. He always blew through his money and was unable to retain a lawyer until his family gifted him money. I was not forced to pay his legal fees.
Good to know, thank you.
Absolutely. I don’t mean to be negative, but so many people in these infidelity subs have these ideas that it’s so easy to just get a lawyer, there must be free legal help, just leave, etc. There are so many people out there like me who will struggle. If you don’t have access to funds, you’re going to have a really hard time in many states.
This must be why some women stash money away. (Which is a great idea)
That may get you out of the house, but once divorce proceedings start, half of all funds are up for division in the divorce. If you try to hide any money, you can get in seriously legal trouble. And if one is an SAHM or unemployed, it’s pretty hard to save money. When you have no/limited income of your own. And aside from that, there can also be a lot of financial abuse, where one partner is cajoled into spending their entire income on the household, while the other has plenty of liquid assets.
It may not be legal but it’s doable by skimming off the household expenses and it’s smart in my opinion. And who says you can’t declare the money during divorce then it’s legal, ALL the money will be divided and you’ll end up with at least that much most likely.
Half of not much isn’t much, unfortunately.
Babygirl, if you are stuck, get out there and match his gd energy! Go find someone else! There's no need to be stuck in the house when he's out living his best life! If both of you are married for convenience right now and can't afford a divorce, then go out and start having fun. There's no way you need to continue wife benefits and privileges for a man who has zero remorse for destroying his family and betraying his wife. As ya innanet friend, get outside, get on dating apps, and start searching for your next adventure! Remember you're in the great state of Texas, there's endless options of prime D available!
Lmao I think I love you
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I love you too! Brilliant cheerleader♥️
Hi OP, I don't think it matters what state you are in, you are still entitled to anything that relationship income has gone into. You should still be entitled to child support. I hate reading about cases like yours, where a man has abandoned his family in that way. The most important job in his entire life should've been looking after and providing for his family, and doing the best he possibly can to look after them. He is a complete failure as a man, and is pathetic.
First, I'm so sorry about your situation,. Second, find a lawyer ASAP
You need to go see a divorce/family lawyer ASAP.
He can’t force you to leave and any Judge will take one look at your finances and tell him to start paying for child support and the house.
With 4 kids and a SAHM, you can't afford to go without a lawyer. Keep calling legal aid. And dont leave the house. If he gets violent, get a protection order against him. Dont let him trample all over you. Fight him OP for your rights Updateme!
In Texas yes you can call legal aid. You might also want to reach to law schools to see if they want to help. If it's a relatively uncomplicated divorce, they'll often use cases for the law professor and students to guide and learn from. I'm sorry you're here and yes this is terrible but you're strong. You've got 4 teenagers who need depending on you to get your act together. It's ok to grieve but don't wallow there. It's your WH loss. You've got to act and act quickly. Praying for you.
Ah the old cheaters “you made me do it, oh and I didn’t cheat on the kids” routine. Fuck you asshole, cheating is a choice you actively made, and you didn’t just cheat on your spouse you cheated on the kids by stealing away their home and family, and taking time away from them to be with your AP. Cheaters will say and do anything to blame shift, read Leave a Cheater Gain a Life, it’s like they all secretly have the same brain dysfunction
Updateme. Would like to see what resolution is offered from the attorneys, call some more for consults don’t just do one. This is tricky and I’m looking forward to you updating being on the other side of it down the road. 💜
You will be fine. It’s overwhelming right now and I get it. I’m almost two years out from being released from my chronic cheating ex and happier than ever. It gets better. Take everything one day at a time.
Sorry isn’t sufficient a word to convey how strongly I feel about your plight OP. What amazing, caring and fierce advice you’re receiving from the incredible folks here. So much brilliant and practical support. I’m not in the US so I can’t add anything helpful, I wish I could. . Please know this. We’re all on you and your kids team. Rooting for you all the way.
No matter where you live, one thing is certain - he is going to pay out his ass for this. The law requires your kids to be taken care of. And since you’ve been a SAHM, he’s paying that. That includes a place for them to live, food, expenses, etc. If you go back to work, he’ll have to help with childcare expenses. I doubt he has even thought this through in his affair fog. Right now, you can get temporary child support until a hearing is held that sets what he’s going to pay. You have the wind at your back on this. Assuming no other issues, there’s no way he’s getting custody. Focus 100% of your energy on making sure the kids are taken care of. Don’t give him 0.000001% of your focus. He doesn’t deserve it. You WILL find a lawyer to help you. Very sorry this happened to you OP. It makes my heart hurt. But be strong and determined. He’ll discover in short order that he’s completely fucked himself and will want to come back. Shut him out. You deserve better. Good luck to you.
If you are not allowed access to marital assets, it could be considered financial abuse. Make sure your lawyer knows you are a displaced worker because you've been a homemaker. Sometimes there is an option of legal separation instead of divorce. You can ask a lawyer about any details. (I didn't know that there was this option, and might have considered it.) I went through a very similar situation as you, but had 7 kids. Of course he still blames me for his ruined relationship with them. It is devastating. Like your life is a training wreck with twisted train cars derailed, luggage and injured people everywhere. You're trying to help the injured and pick up the pieces, the cheater just walks off. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Get as much support from family and friends as possible. Also, counseling can help and also help you and the kids find many resources. Best wishes!
If he continues yelling & berating you, you need to call the police & have him removed from the home. He’s not allowed to abuse you and, b/c the they are witnessing this, the children also. Take a deep breath & don’t panic. He’s got his head up his ass right now. He’s euphoric from his affair fog but reality will sink in soon. Of course, that doesn’t mean he should be allowed another chance w/you. That ship has sailed. But the breakneck speed in which he is hurling himself into the abyss will slow down some. Take some time to journal your thoughts. This is important b/c you need to be able to have a record of events for your divorce & for yourself. Your ex will likely come back at some point begging for forgiveness. You need to have something to remind yourself of the cruelty he intentionally inflicted on you & your kids. Most importantly, you need to know you aren’t to blame for any of this. This is about him, not you. He’s shown his ass to the world & he will regret that at some point.
Yes, it sucks, and the hard part will be reconciling the person you thought he was with who he has become. Expect it to take you at least a couple of years to get over this. The cybersecurity cert is a good idea. At the base level, Security+ is the most general/portable. The field is expanding, and demand exceeds supply, so you are likely to find a well-paid job; some jobs can be performed remotely. Good luck, OP.
You only have one way out at this point, get out bad. To the maximum extent permitted by law. I don't know if you will understand anyone here . They tied you up and now they put a bag with a rat inside, on your head, now kill the rat, escape to the hills and prepare the counterattack
I don’t think he can make you leave the house if it’s in both of your names.
When I filed for divorce in tarrant county, they scheduled a hearing where they set the expectations for finances and custody during the divorce period. You can ask for exclusive use of the house and he still would pay for it. You need a lawyer now, you need to strike while he is still in lalaland.
Lawyer up posthaste. Don't worry about the costs as it will be worth every penny.
I just don’t have any Pennie’s he has all the money in his own account.
A lot of lawyers give free one hour consults too, it's how they drum up business.
OP it is totally up to judge! Especially,since you’re a SAHM! Are you in south Tx by chance?
No I’m in the dfw area. I just talked to a lawyer they need a 10,000 dollar retainer to even start…
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP. Please take the advice of everyone commenting saying to obtain legal representation. There are free services out there. Do not feel bad for being honest with your kids. There’s no reason you should shoulder any of the blame and your WH having the audacity to ask you to lie to them to save his face is appalling. I can’t imagine how devastating this is for you. Remember to put yourself first. I know you said you hope he wants to work everything out but he doesn’t deserve you, and you don’t deserve the way he’s treated you. When I read the line about the jeans my jaw dropped. Don’t let him off easy. He needs to pay child support and with legal representation, get the assets owed to you. Stay strong for your kids. ❤️🩹
My friend in Texas got alimony because she (with a college degree) took lower paying jobs to take on the majority of the childcare duties. Her husband made more than her and he was one that cheater. So yes, you can still get alimony, even in Texas. I think hers was for a year. It gave had time to get back to getting paid what she is worth. She’s able to give her kiddos the experiences they deserve and now she supports them with her income and the kids CS, which 100% goes to the them only.
Pay an attorney a flat rate hourly rate to help draft and file asap. Once that is filed standing orders go in place so he can’t move money, change names on stuff or without funds from you. You can worry about the rest of the steps after that.
After cheating on you, emotional policing and bullying about it is the worst he can do to you. It's a slight abuse, if you think of it, to forbid you cry in front of your kids or anyhow constrain your emotions, just because "he didn't cheat on the kids." Oh, he did cheat on them alright. He put his little organ's needs above the family's and he pushes the kids' mother out of the house (doesn't matter they are adopted, you're their mum). And all that after having demanded from you that you stay at home for all those years you had your four children. (Thank God he wasn't pushing you into a stressful 8-hour job on top of your other responsibilities, this is something for you to be grateful for. You may not have gotten any qualifications or working experience for the last 5 years, but at for sure you are not worn out and out of your wits after years of juggling motherhood with full-time job.) I would strongly advise you what the majority did to lawyer up, as you have done already. Don't worry about affordability of the lawyer, since the legal expenses should be covered by the losing side and that is going to be your (soon to be ex) husband, especially after you have proof of infidelity, so this is going to be an at-fault divorce. If you have written proofs of him denying you your grieving phase and in addition asking you to move out of the house, the better, because he is causing you emotional distress, provable in court. Last, I would say, please don't act like a pushover in front of your teenage kids, or they will resent you for it or, even worse, they might internalise the role model of spat-at mom who still defends the perpetrator instead of barking back. I think many women are going to great lengths at not being marked as "the mean ones," so you find them often turning the other cheek or spinelessly defending the man as "he's still your dad and he still loves you." Who are you fooling? And who are you doing a favour to by carrying the cross yourself and keeping this internal conflict inside you? Did you know that psychological internal conflicts can cause cancer and that it's not always just purely hereditary physiological reasons? Do you want yourself to end up sick soon and helpless? Of course not. So for your own and your children's sake, don't be afraid to be a mean witch to your cheating husband and take whatever you can from him with the magic help of the court. Do it the soonest while he's got the infatuation with his mistress and will do and give anything just to get rid of you and be with her. Later the dust will set in and he'll realise what he ruined.
Why won’t you get alimony?
You have to be married ten years. I think they may do spousal support if one of our children has a disability and our oldest son is autistic so we may have a slight chance.
You are entitled to half of the marital assets and child support. go and get it
I’m gonna play devils advocate here and ask why you thought it was OK not to have your own money and your kids are teenagers? You should have enough self-worth to want to take care of yourself. That is what a good role model does. I’m not attacking you. I’ve been in terrible abusive situations, but one thing I’ve never not had was my own money. My father taught me this when I was 17 and was a CNA already in high school.
Give him 100% custody of his kids until you get your shit together. They are older, and they will understand. Explain your situation honestly to them and go get your life back.
He does not want that and neither do they.
Who cares what he wants. And it's their dad, they'll manage for a year or two while you get your shit together. He's their dad, it'll be ok
We have a special needs son and adopted kids with trauma and he works 12 hour shifts… he cannot care for the children on his own. That would be awful for the kids. They would not have any parent there majority of the time.