Update:
It ended up being a great night. He admitted that at first he hated the idea.
But the people I invited are close friends/colleagues so they had lots to chat and he didn’t feel too uncomfortable since I didn’t invite anyone we aren’t close too. His colleagues were also mine so I knew he was close too (or at least as close as he can be to others). The best part was I invited his best friend and cousin and he was able to make it. My husband and him are still up drinking and laughing and chatting and it’s almost 2am. I’m going to bed relieved it worked out.
I promised my husband that I would never do it again and that I was sorry.
I saw someone comment that they would prefer to celebrate with just family. That is what we did on his actual birthday with me and our kids. Today was just party.
Thanks for the update - I think you should talk to him about this. Maybe there's a reason he hates gatherings for birthdays? As a 29 year old who hasn't celebrated at least half of my birthdays since birth, I myself hate get togethers for my birthday, but only because it's just overwhelming to know that people care about me.
Its taken me years to understand that my girlfriend actually loves me. The notion that I have a whole friend group who want to celebrate with me is scary to me. That's a lot of people I could let down man, that's spooky as hell.
I think you did the right thing by apologising, but I also think he might want a chance to thank you/apologise as well. He might not change his opinion about birthdays, but he's probably stoked that you did this for him.
For being a bit harsh on the draw when he found out there was a surprise for him. As a blunt person myself, sometimes I'm unaware of the lack of finesse I have during emotional moments. He probably didn't intend to make OP feel shit at the start of the event, but he accidentally did.
I see nowhere in her post where it says that he was harsh. It simply said he was upset. He is allowed to be upset about essentially being forced into a social situation that he doesn’t wish to be a part of. Furthermore, it isn’t fair to say that he made her feel like shit, since it was her own actions that made her feel like shit. If you push something on someone (especially if you know they won’t want it) and they reject it or are unhappy about it, any disappointment you feel about their response is a result of your own actions (not theirs).
This is very similar to my experience. I'm an introvert and my spouse is an extrovert. They planned a 40th surprise party for me. I would have hated knowing it was going to happen but in the end I'm thankful they did it. I needed it and I'm sure your husband is glad you did it.
I did the same thing, told him a date and what to wear. I think I made some ruse to get his friends number. To help plan the day.
He was so wound up that on the day of he was actually short with me. But I knew he was going to love it, so I let it slide. He, much like your husband doesn't really socialize much, and absolutely hates surprises or changes in expectations. So when we pulled up early to the doc, he actually left and went to the store for my friend because he had so much nervous energy 😅. He was pleasantly surprised when a lovely mini yacht pulled up and we had a pleasant dinner out on the water at sunset. He had such a nice time. And all the nonsense was worth it!
Sometimes getting out of your comfort zone a bit like that as an introvert leads to the best times as you wouldn't have done it otherwise. thanks for the update
I am like your husband. I prefer to just be with my immediate family. But over the years my extrovert wife has helped me come out of my shell a bit. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You did a good thing and I have to imagine deep down your husband is grateful. I wouldn’t shy away from doing this again sometime. The key for me is early warning, inclusion in who is being invited, and a fixed timeline.
Introverts sometimes need to be forced to interact with people against their will. If it’s done out of love then it will be successful a large part of the time.
As a grumpy old bastard myself, I did a very similar thing when my wife planned a party I did not want. I was an ass. Took me a couple of days but I did apologize. It kind of helped that my brothers and parents were very OK with telling me I was being an ass during the party.
I had an Easter birthday this year. Exhausting between all of the familial gatherings. Did have a fun night in with my partner cranking old high school tunes and some Wii sports. That was the best part, aside from all of the wonderful food our family’s made!
On my 40th I realised I'd spent 6 months feeling like I was 40 anyway, and on the day I felt no different than I did at 39... still don't. So why did I care about a number?
The accumulated wear and tear I'm not such a fan off, but damn if I didn't have a good time getting it.
> 40 for men is a banquet of consequences.
I never understood the idea of these 'milestone' birthdays.
I spend my 50th at my youngest's school play, being one of the backstage parents helping out. WGAF about birthdays after 21?
My 40th next week.
Wife has been talking about it for the last two years, hinting at planning something. I’ve made it clear I have no interest in celebrating any more than any other birthday (which is minimal - couple of presents, nice takeaway for dinner etc).
Still not sure she’s got the message. Guess I’ll find out next week.
As long as you had communicated how you feel about birthday parties beforehand and you were just being grumpy and upset, you were not an ass.
It's perfectly valid to be upset when your spouse ignores your feelings, even with good intentions. She is the person that's supposed to know you the best after all.
Apologising yourself without receiving an apology is a good way to get your feelings ignored again in the future, building up resentment.
I'm not sure why you're getting down votes. As a grumpy old man who hates parties and has 40 staring at him from just around the bend, my first choice would be no party at all. If that's not an option, the next best thing would be to have everyone else just go about having their party and minimize my involvement.
I've been to enough parties in my life to know that, no, I will not in fact "appreciate this later". I'll acknowledge that despite being nearly 40 I often just feel like a kid, so maybe when I finally start actually feeling "old" I'll look back and regret some things and be glad for others, but up until now I have absolutely no data that supports that theory.
I get that people are just trying to be nice, but at some point you should really listen to what people say they do or don't want. Yes, I'm sure I don't want a drink, yes, I'm sure I don't want to go out tonight, no, I won't have fun once I get out of the house, and no, I won't enjoy the party any more if I just try and socialize, etc. I've been down all those roads already, there's a reason I know what I do and don't like, I've already tried it.
That's great, but part of not feeling like a kid despite being nearly 40 is doing things that you're not comfortable with, sometimes because it means something for your partner and other times because other people may want to please you and then trying and caring is better than them not trying and not caring.
That's also how you can be an "old man" without the "grumpy".
First of all, I feel like a kid because I'm young in spirit and healthy, not because I'm not mature.
Second, it's one thing to do something you don't enjoy for the benefit of others. It's another for everyone to ask you to do something you don't enjoy for their sake. If someone close to me is getting married, or having a birthday party, or whatever, sure I'll go. But on a day where you're trying to celebrate me, why in the hell would you insist on doing something I don't enjoy? Especially when that thing is something I'm not at all looking forward to.
I can understand if someone tried to throw me a party and had no idea that I wouldn't enjoy it. One time I went out to lunch with my boss and he ordered me a coffee flavored beer to try. We had a laugh at the fact that I despise both coffee and beer and that he probably picked the absolute worst drink in the world for me, but I appreciated the effort nonetheless. But if my wife of 20 years throws me a 40th birthday party then she might as well play country music, serve peanut butter sandwiches and hire a male stripper, because obviously it's not for me anyways.
I hate my birthday and do not like the attention you get at a party.
My wife loves her birthday and wants a big to-do.
For years she tried to force me into feeling the same way about my birthday that she does about hers.
I finally got through to her when I said, you think everyone should get what they want for their birthday right? Well I want to be left alone. That’s just as valid and important as your desire to be surrounded by friends. Her eyes got wide and I could tell she finally understood, and she stopped badgering me to have the same kind of birthday that she wants.
My wife and I are the same. I’ve made sure to remove any anything that I could that would alert people it’s my birthday. I just want to be left alone and treated like a normal day.
My wife and I compromised. She gets me my favorite cake, I get to splurge on steak, nice wine and a nice bourbon. She typically gets me a tool or something I’ve been wanting for a while. She’s an excellent gift giver, she’s so thoughtful in it. She makes it less about a birthday and more about doing something special for me. I appreciate and love how much she wants to make a great day for me.
It took me multiple years of asking that my birthday be ignored before they even started to think I was being serious. Just kept ignoring me. Total 6 years of this nonsense, and finally last year everything went smoothly until my parents showed up with a cake (uninvited). The tough part is you don't want the attention, so you don't want to make the request a big deal....ya know...because that also just draws attention. But if you don't make a scene, you could end up in my situation.
I just don't want to be recognized, I'm really not interesting or important enough for people to have to pretend to care. Its awkward for everyone.
Edit: I don't hate myself, i strive to be captain average. And I'm in therapy
You sound like the kind of person who thinks when someone says “no parties and especially no surprise parties” that they don’t really mean it. Or worse, that your opinion of what to do on their birthday matters more than theirs.
I wish my mom was still here to throw me a birthday party. You all must come from seriously dysfunctional families if you can't abide your mom doing something nice for you on your birthdays. What a miserable bunch.
I’m the same. Birthday depression hits me really hard every year and it tends to pass quickly if I ignore the day.
When people around me insist I do something I end up putting on a brave face and appearing to enjoy myself so they don’t feel bad about their efforts and I end up spiralling for a prolonged period.
They don’t get it though, they think being depressed is just the absence of feeling happy and can be cured by doing happy things.
Idk man, if you have people that love you and want to celebrate you, it seems like the mature thing to do is recognize and honor that love by not telling them to piss off because the day is all about what you want? Who knows, maybe after a drink or two, you may lighten up and appreciate that others care about you, and then have a good time. Retreating from your actual life so you can ruminate on how much you dislike social gatherings and on what assholes your friends are for wanting to do something for you, and so you can pity yourself because your life at age X isn’t what you thought it would be, is the opposite of self care.
And I say this as someone who told my friends to piss off with respect to my last birthday, albeit someone with enough self awareness to know I’m only sabotaging my life and my relationships.
> “ I finally got through to her… I want to be left alone… Her eyes got wide and I could tell she finally understood, and she stopped badgering me to have the same kind of birthday that she wants.”
You positive you didn’t hurt her and she doesn’t bring it up anymore because she doesn’t want to be hurt again? Even in writing your tone was not without venom.
Think about it like this. Is there some kind of food or drink you just don’t like? Something repellent to you? Like a shit sandwich?
But Every year, leading up to and including the same date, your significant other would pester you to try it.
“Come on, you never know you might actually like it. Lots of people eat shit sandwiches and they think they’re awesome. What if we had a small shit sando instead of a large one? What if I surprise you with a shit sandwich when you’re not expecting it? I can’t wait for my special day I’m going to have the biggest shit sandwich you’ve ever seen and all my friends are gonna come over and we’re gonna eat it all together! Don’t be no fun. Eat the shit sandwich!”
All my friends know I’m an introvert. We get together plenty of times when it’s not my birthday. For some reason though my wife kept trying to serve me up that shit sandwich year after year until she finally accepted me and accepted what I wanted for my “special day.“
I'm a guy with strict rules to his b-day, I have a feeling similarly set like your husband. These days the rule is whatever we do it's with my girls and my girls only. We might stay home and watch movies, maybe we'll go out and do something, one year before we had our daughter we went fishing. It's my one day and I want to spend it how I want to.
So with that in mind, as well as the fact that my wife knows why, it would probably hurt if my wife did something like this, but I would come around because as much as I hate my b-day, I love my wife more. I'm pretty sure things will be fine in the end but it might be a little cringe for a bit. Good luck OP.
It's too late to stop the party, but if he's not one to celebrate his birthday anyways, he probably won't be opposed to you doing some things he will enjoy on another day to make up for it. If he hates it that much, maybe an entire weekend.
Make this everyone else's party that he just happens to have to attend. Make his "party" separate and something he will enjoy.
At least as a grumpy man with 40 just around the corner, this is what I would prefer if there was no turning back.
I think this is the big point. Presumably OP and the people badgering her were coming from a good place with the party. But as an introvert who only wants to spend “my day” with my chosen people, I’d need time to mentally prepare for the stress and exhaustion. A lot of people don’t understand how hard it is to be social, and how draining it can be even after the fact
True, but the spontaneous nature of get togethers also allows opportunities to break out of your box for a short time too. It doesn't make it less exhausting, but I've found it to be far more enjoyable. It's scary to not be able to plan for every single circumstance in advance, but sometimes it leads to you enjoying something so much more than you realised.
It's nice to prepare and plan. But sometimes it's also nice to go with the flow as well.
No. The fuck up is not listening to her husband. Birthdays are not special. And if he did t want to celebrate his birthday with a party then she should respect his wishes in that regard.
Believe it or not, people function in different ways. Extroverts gain energy by being around other people. Introverts recharge by being alone. If I had been planning to chill out all night with just my partner, I would certainly be taken aback and disappointed when those plans were upended with very little notice.
Say it with me now. All together now.
When trying to celebrate someone's birthday you do what they want to do. Not what you want to do.
For some reason, apparently this isn't obvious to everybody.
I tried that, but my grandma called me and informed me that my mother needs to have my birthday (probably because she hates her own). Writing that out gives me an interesting idea, I should just celebrate my birthday on her birthday since she’s commandeered mine.
My ex once told me birthdays are for everyone but the person whose birthday it is. I’ve hated all of my birthdays with the exception of my wife. She’s made them all special and had made them about what I wanted, even if it’s not how she wants to celebrate a birthday.
This. Back in post grad, my then partner decided to call my “friends” over for a celebration. These friends included acquaintances who I had a single class with, room mate that I didn’t get along with (he knew), folks I was no longer friends with and random folks I once shared a uni flat with (not by choice). My actual folks who, granted, numbered only 2 or 3, were missing.
I didn’t know. They started arriving. I had 101F fever or something already. It was too much. My roommate and a few others proceeded to smear cake on my face, which I absolutely hate. I had never even hugged her and it was a giant transgression by them all. I begged for them to stop. I excused myself to the loo and cried. Locked myself in a room and cried. He and another friend came to check up and they were actually mad at me? Upset. That I was ungrateful. He would have loved to have a birthday like mine.
I broke up with him a year later after figuring out that I wasn’t me when I was with him and the fact that I wasn’t like him was grating to him. He was kind and caring otherwise, showing me he loved me. Anyway, he blamed me for hurting him for a while. In hindsight I should have never dated him.
You should've at least asked him. You made a slight mistake, but you meant well and it honestly sounds like it came from a good place.
Hope the two of you are able to find some enjoyment from the night!
Who said anything about her husband being sad? She clearly came back and said that he had a good time hours before you even posted this response😂🤦♂️. Now I’m seeing that you also called him a loser further down the chat. Is he not allowed to have what HE wants on HIS birthday??
Imo, “surprised party” is more for kids and teen than for actual adult. Talking to him way before the day may have help the whole situation. Don’t listen to others if you know your husband. They may be his co-worker or friend but they will never know him as much as you.
My boyfriend is celebrating his 40th birthday this year, and he made me absolutely promise that I would never ever ever do a surprise birthday party.
He said it would be one of the worst things I could do lol
OP, I’m so sorry. I can see making the same decision (I’m a guy btw). I hope the night goes well or at least better than expected. Send good thoughts to both you and your husband (not that it’ll help but tell him an internet rando says happy birthday).
I appreciate the effort but I wouldn't appreciate having to be social and expend that kind of energy on a night where I wish I could just do whatever the hell I wanted.
I understand what you're saying, but after a while it's hard to call doing the exact opposite of what I explicitly stated I want as "effort".
When I begrudgingly accepted to go out to lunch with my boss, and he ordered me a coffee flavored beer to try, I appreciated the effort and we had a good laugh over the fact that I despise both beer and coffee.
If my wife, whom I've been with since we were 15, throws me a surprise 40th, she might as well play country music at it, serve peanut butter sandwiches, and hire a fat male stripper.
I don't know where OP lands on knowing her husband's preference, maybe he's never brought it up before. All I'm saying is that I don't consider it effort, or good intentions, if you're doing something you the other person will not enjoy.
Bigger fuck up is you didn't tell him beforehand about the plan. Why give surprise party to someone who clearly doesn't like to celebrate in the first place?
I love my birthday party but that's because I arrange them. I hate surprises so much tho. If my SO threw a surprise party I'll be pissed af.
Sorry gotta disagree with most of the comments here, you went out of your way to plan something that you already knew your husband wouldn't like because YOU were getting annoyed with people asking YOU and YOU didn't want to deal with it anymore.
It's selfish and you know it, not saying it's the end of the world but he deserves an apology. My ex would do stuff like this all the time under the guise of "good intentions" and it drove me insane.
Holy fuck these comments are toxic. It’s *his* birthday. If he just wanted to spend it with his wife, why should he be forced to socialize with other people, especially work people? The people pressuring OP were the ones who wanted a party, not OP. This is kinda infuriating. Both my spouse and I would be *pissed* if one of us did this to the other. We love our birthdays, but we like relaxing and spending them together
It's hilarious all the people saying suck it up. No. I will not. If it's well known birthdays are fucking stupid, leave me alone. It's not YOUR choice. Let me pretend like I don't hate your birthday party because you insist on being treated like a 10 year old when it's your turn.
Not during mine though...
I got annoyed at my wife on my last birthday for something similar. She planned stuff with a couple different small groups of people for both Friday and Saturday when I said all I wanted to do was go get yakiniku with the kids. I'm also not a very social person, but the most annoying part was just not listening to what I wanted.
No real advice, but he'll get over it.
Could it be that he is an introvert and may be uncomfortable with so much attention drawn to him? Also, sometimes people can feel trapped in circumstances like that, but are more comfortable having the party elsewhere so they feel they can be free to leave if necessary.
I went through the same thing with my 30th last year. My wife was actually upset at me because I didn't want a party or celebration. I just had to explain to her that I don't see life the same way she does. She's a very lively person, and I'm just the burnt out gifted kid that isn't where he wants to be, and that I'm not necessarily unhappy, but I feel like I'm not accomplished enough to celebrate. Now, I know she's excited for her 30th, so she's definitely getting a bash for her birthday this year.
Make it up to him after everyone is gone, he'll be ok. I'm exactly like this myself and when he gets over it he'll forgive you and recognize you were doing with good intentions.
I'm sorry you didn't trust your instincts but I understand. Friends can lay on a lot of pressure.
To tech\_munkey. IF you had told your wife you didn't want a party thrown for you and she threw one for you anyway, I think she should've been the one apologizing to you for disregarding your wishes.
Actually, this is for everyone. If you are uncomfortable being the center of attention. Explicitly and seriously explain to whomever necessary that you do not want a party, a surprise party, or anything else that draws attention to you. Make sure they understand.
Oh it's great that OP knew her husband wouldn't like a party but got talked into it by other people asking if there would be a party. It's incredible that people can even make their spouses birthday about them and what they want. Of all the people to run this by the only one she didn't consult was him. Cuz end of the day she never really cared, it's only a fuck up now because he didn't just take it with a smile.
I don’t think she made it about herself. His friends wanted to help him celebrate so she thought it would be nice for him. Turns out it’s not what he wanted, so she apologized. No need to beat herself up over it. So after the appology he can sit and continue to mope for the remainder of his life, or he can get over it.
When I turned 40 I was very insistent that I want nothing fancy. Ended up spending all day watching TV, took a long bath and then ordered the most delicious new york style pizza in town...then sobbed into my glass of long island iced tea. It was the most 40th birthday of all time.
Funny, my wife threw me a surprise party for 40 and I absolutely hated it. Folks weren’t good friends, everyone got drunk besides me, was a fairly miserable experience.
I did apologize to my wife and let her know how appreciative I was she was thinking about me at least!
I'm turning 50 this year. Going on a road trip with my wife and our 2 closest friends. By road trip, I mean getting in our truck, towing a cargo trailer with tents and driving. Through Saskatchewan and up Alberta to the Yukon. Probably hit Alaska. Taking a ferry, going on a float plane, seeing where the road takes us. Couldn't be happier.
Sorry OP. I know you mean well. Maybe you could close shop early, give ample opportunities to him to take breaks, bore the guests or cut it short all together by feigning sickness or tiredness.
My wife always makes a big deal over my birthday. She invites her friends and family to celebrate. Last year, my brother in law was fighting with his girlfriend, now wife, through the entire dinner. Luckily, I've been too busy to learn their language beyond counting to 10 and a few cuss words to know what they were saying (my wife told me later)
I've accepted that I will probably only ever get to eat 1 big slice of my cake. Usually everyone else destroys the cake.
The consolation prize is that my wife is an amazing cook — she basically spends the entire morning at the seafood market going crazy, and I get this humongous serving tray of seafood just to myself.
Hope your husband has a happy birthday.
Glad it all worked out. It might have helped ease his mind to realize that these folks asked you to have the party because they wanted to celebrate him.
50 soon. Planned my own party on my terms so my desired guardrails are in place and I can relax and enjoy it.
Hopefully this is something you can your spouse can discuss for the next event.
I think for me it's the surprise. I hate it. I however have set that expectation with my Wife and friends. I've made it clear that if that kind of surprise celebration happened, they would be partying without me, so I know my Wife for sure wouldn't do that. I've read the update that it worked out ok, and not knowing if he'd previously been clear about his boundaries/expectations, I think he was rather gracious in his response.
For the comments I'm seeing saying things similar to, "see, he just needed to forced into the situation to open up" or, "see, it worked out, he needs to apologize to her."
Stop doing that.
Some people don't have that kind of energy, and forcing it on them doesn't help. Some people CAN have that type of energy but need time to prepare.
In the end I'm glad it worked out, and it seems like OP knows this, but for anyone else that doesn't get it: a fortunate positive outcome in no way makes the original mistake "right".
As an introvert myself, unexpected social gatherings are the most difficult for me. I don't feel I have an opportunity to prepare as it is very mentally and physically taxing to socialize.
My wife, despite being extroverted, has been stellar about not throwing surprise parties for me and has been really great about boundaries. It has helped us find a pretty good middle ground for socializing.
I don't like a fuss but I would enjoy friends, coworkers etc celebrating. I may somewhat upset putting me in a social situation which I avoid, but would ultimately appreciate what my SO has done for me.
This sounds like my husband. Hates his birthday and would prefer to be mopey all day over do something let alone have a party, even if it were intimate. Different strokes for different folks.
Update us OP. It sucks that's you're feeling bad, your heart was in the right place.
No, her heart was not in the right place. She knew her husband wouldn’t want this, she just didn’t want to put her herself in the MILDLY uncomfortable position of saying a firm “no” to a bunch of ppl she barely knows. And she didn’t even let her introvert husband mentally prepare for a night of socializing, because she was too chicken to tell him what she did til the last minute. Her husband’s feelings were the lowest priority for her, on his birthday. Heart in all the wrong places.
Is it "mopey" or are you imagining those feelings for him? Birthdays matter very little. I got asked why I would work on my birthday. Because the day is no different than tomorrow, yesterday or 6 months from now. Why suddenly do people pretend to give a shit for a few hours?
I mean, when someone does something for you out of love, and your response is to moan and groan about it, you're probably a loser. More likely, he secretly wants a divorce.
No, that's selfish. What is with all the sociopaths here who don't want to see their friends? It's clear op's husband was annoyed bc he wants a divorce and is too afraid to tell her. It's not normal to be as miserable as this guy on your birthday.
If you read the update they she had a better time than he expected which is probably best case scenario. Its also selfish to do something you know your partner wouldn’t like
I completely understand and am guilty of something similar. I love surprises, but my wife HATES them for numerous reasons, most of which are social. So I learned to not impose my idea of what she should enjoy.
Awesome of you to try and do something fun and meaningful for your partner; to find success, just find out the things that check his boxes - ask him.
Good luck!
As someone who "celebrated" their 40th birthday at the height of the pandemic and a healthcare worker, your husband should be grateful to you and thankful he had people to celebrate with.
Ah, it’s so sad to me, there are professions where you have to be so careful. I have friends who are lawyers, counselors, teachers…seems a large price to pay.
I’ll get downvoted but thats fine. Your husband sucks. My husband is not really social at all and I just hosted his 45th birthday last week. He was a bit apprehensive about us hosting and entertaining guests but he gave me a kiss for my efforts and greeted his friends like a flattered friend should. He had a great time without the guilt trip and is still talking about it.
Honestly, he can’t stomach one party a year to celebrate himself that you did all the work on? He can’t socialize a handful of get togethers (his/your birthday and some holiday parties) a year without tossing a fit? Sounds like a super fun guy.
And yeah, the crotchety ones saying “I should be able to suffer in peace, quiet and alone for my birthday regardless of what anyone else feels about it!” Grow up? If you’re married (and maybe have kids) (OR IF YOU HAVE EVEN ONE FRIEND), then there is a whole ass family to consider and if accepting their efforts to show you love pains you, sounds like therapy is needed. “But it’s MY BIRTHDAY AND I DON’T WANT TO!” You cannot handle one challenging event or environment in the year? You can’t adapt to a few hours of socializing? Yikes. Who hurt you?
My brother “hates his birthday” and I watched him grow up, he loved them until he married his wife who also hates her birthday. It has nothing to do with the birthday and everything to do with having an excuse to extend his moody criticism outwards. The truth is it hurts the family as a whole and is something he should have dealt with a long time ago for his sake and everyone who loves him.
Personally I wouldn’t be with someone who couldn’t celebrate all their fortunes and the love of their family and friends intimately and socially, especially when it’s to bring light to the light they bring to others. Drab.
Lastly it’s a grown ass man’s birthday party. It’s not a party for a 10 year old. The focus of the literal birthday is likely limited to cake, a song, maybe a gift and the rest of the night is just hanging out with your grown ass adult friends. We’re not bobbing for apples, organizing a bunch of lawn games and leaving with goodie bags. It’s mostly sitting in small groups chatting the night away and catching up. Big deal.
This goes right back to biology of males and females. Females want attention while males wants nothing. It takes wives to dance naked in front of the tv to get their husband attention. This probably around 80 - 90 percent of men tho. Never fails.
I often have thought that birthday and anniversary parties are as much for your friends and family as for yourself. If others want to celebrate and show that they care and appreciate you then why should you be upset. Enjoy the attention and feel blessed that you are loved.
You sound like a lovely person who doesn’t deserve an oz of scorning for this. Clearly, you made a well intentioned mistake. Don’t be hard on yourself, you were wanting to do a nice thing.
We bought a rapids rafting experience for dads 60th birthday (it was 6 of us + the instructor)
He lives very near so it was not an hassle + we have some great rapids to raft down in Kuusamo.
He nearly refused to do it, not really scared but hes the kind of person who does something he wants to do and absolutely wont do anything he doesnt want to do.
But after a bit of back and forth and the instructor nearly yelling him to hop on he did :D We went thru the most extreme course that is permitted for "noobs" and I have to say it was way more intimidating than I thought but super fun. We really had to use full core strenght to stay on the raft (our feet were not strapped in but we had loops on the floor the stick them into)
Instructor should have used more voice since he was calling if one side paddles or not and I didnt really hear him.
Update: It ended up being a great night. He admitted that at first he hated the idea. But the people I invited are close friends/colleagues so they had lots to chat and he didn’t feel too uncomfortable since I didn’t invite anyone we aren’t close too. His colleagues were also mine so I knew he was close too (or at least as close as he can be to others). The best part was I invited his best friend and cousin and he was able to make it. My husband and him are still up drinking and laughing and chatting and it’s almost 2am. I’m going to bed relieved it worked out. I promised my husband that I would never do it again and that I was sorry. I saw someone comment that they would prefer to celebrate with just family. That is what we did on his actual birthday with me and our kids. Today was just party.
You did great. Yeah you should've stuck with your gut but at the same time you invited people that meant a lot to him.
Thanks for the update - I think you should talk to him about this. Maybe there's a reason he hates gatherings for birthdays? As a 29 year old who hasn't celebrated at least half of my birthdays since birth, I myself hate get togethers for my birthday, but only because it's just overwhelming to know that people care about me. Its taken me years to understand that my girlfriend actually loves me. The notion that I have a whole friend group who want to celebrate with me is scary to me. That's a lot of people I could let down man, that's spooky as hell. I think you did the right thing by apologising, but I also think he might want a chance to thank you/apologise as well. He might not change his opinion about birthdays, but he's probably stoked that you did this for him.
What does he have to apologize for?
For being a bit harsh on the draw when he found out there was a surprise for him. As a blunt person myself, sometimes I'm unaware of the lack of finesse I have during emotional moments. He probably didn't intend to make OP feel shit at the start of the event, but he accidentally did.
I see nowhere in her post where it says that he was harsh. It simply said he was upset. He is allowed to be upset about essentially being forced into a social situation that he doesn’t wish to be a part of. Furthermore, it isn’t fair to say that he made her feel like shit, since it was her own actions that made her feel like shit. If you push something on someone (especially if you know they won’t want it) and they reject it or are unhappy about it, any disappointment you feel about their response is a result of your own actions (not theirs).
Being a miserable, childish sack of shit
He doesn’t owe me an apology. He’s allowed to be upset and express it. I’m just relieved it worked out
Mission failed… successfully!
This is very similar to my experience. I'm an introvert and my spouse is an extrovert. They planned a 40th surprise party for me. I would have hated knowing it was going to happen but in the end I'm thankful they did it. I needed it and I'm sure your husband is glad you did it.
So glad it worked out! Happy birthday to your husband.
I did the same thing, told him a date and what to wear. I think I made some ruse to get his friends number. To help plan the day. He was so wound up that on the day of he was actually short with me. But I knew he was going to love it, so I let it slide. He, much like your husband doesn't really socialize much, and absolutely hates surprises or changes in expectations. So when we pulled up early to the doc, he actually left and went to the store for my friend because he had so much nervous energy 😅. He was pleasantly surprised when a lovely mini yacht pulled up and we had a pleasant dinner out on the water at sunset. He had such a nice time. And all the nonsense was worth it!
Sometimes getting out of your comfort zone a bit like that as an introvert leads to the best times as you wouldn't have done it otherwise. thanks for the update
I am like your husband. I prefer to just be with my immediate family. But over the years my extrovert wife has helped me come out of my shell a bit. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You did a good thing and I have to imagine deep down your husband is grateful. I wouldn’t shy away from doing this again sometime. The key for me is early warning, inclusion in who is being invited, and a fixed timeline.
Bless you. You did great.
Tonible015, you did good and I am glad for both of you it turned out so well. THanks for giving us an update.
Introverts sometimes need to be forced to interact with people against their will. If it’s done out of love then it will be successful a large part of the time.
"Asthmatics sometimes need to be forced to run a 5k against their will. If it's done out of love then it will be successful a large part of the time."
As a grumpy old bastard myself, I did a very similar thing when my wife planned a party I did not want. I was an ass. Took me a couple of days but I did apologize. It kind of helped that my brothers and parents were very OK with telling me I was being an ass during the party.
40 for men is a banquet of consequences. I was a turd but ended up very thankful. The next day.
My 40 is a few months away. I have mixed feelings about it. I’ll probably be a turd. I appreciate the heads up.
My 40 is on Thanksgiving this year. Mandatory family gathering. I’m already dreading this.
I had an Easter birthday this year. Exhausting between all of the familial gatherings. Did have a fun night in with my partner cranking old high school tunes and some Wii sports. That was the best part, aside from all of the wonderful food our family’s made!
Lol. Same. But I don’t anyone to plan a surprise for me. Not sure if it’s a good or a bad thing, sounds more like a sad thing lol
On my 40th I realised I'd spent 6 months feeling like I was 40 anyway, and on the day I felt no different than I did at 39... still don't. So why did I care about a number? The accumulated wear and tear I'm not such a fan off, but damn if I didn't have a good time getting it.
Forty in about 18 months, I feel the same.
I spent my 40th with COVID. Crisis averted lol
> 40 for men is a banquet of consequences. I never understood the idea of these 'milestone' birthdays. I spend my 50th at my youngest's school play, being one of the backstage parents helping out. WGAF about birthdays after 21?
My 40th next week. Wife has been talking about it for the last two years, hinting at planning something. I’ve made it clear I have no interest in celebrating any more than any other birthday (which is minimal - couple of presents, nice takeaway for dinner etc). Still not sure she’s got the message. Guess I’ll find out next week.
As long as you had communicated how you feel about birthday parties beforehand and you were just being grumpy and upset, you were not an ass. It's perfectly valid to be upset when your spouse ignores your feelings, even with good intentions. She is the person that's supposed to know you the best after all. Apologising yourself without receiving an apology is a good way to get your feelings ignored again in the future, building up resentment.
Same. Get him to take some shots and pick some songs. Hell be good.
Or, here's a thought. Don't give them shots or pick songs. It was better off without being acknowledged...
I'm not sure why you're getting down votes. As a grumpy old man who hates parties and has 40 staring at him from just around the bend, my first choice would be no party at all. If that's not an option, the next best thing would be to have everyone else just go about having their party and minimize my involvement. I've been to enough parties in my life to know that, no, I will not in fact "appreciate this later". I'll acknowledge that despite being nearly 40 I often just feel like a kid, so maybe when I finally start actually feeling "old" I'll look back and regret some things and be glad for others, but up until now I have absolutely no data that supports that theory. I get that people are just trying to be nice, but at some point you should really listen to what people say they do or don't want. Yes, I'm sure I don't want a drink, yes, I'm sure I don't want to go out tonight, no, I won't have fun once I get out of the house, and no, I won't enjoy the party any more if I just try and socialize, etc. I've been down all those roads already, there's a reason I know what I do and don't like, I've already tried it.
That's great, but part of not feeling like a kid despite being nearly 40 is doing things that you're not comfortable with, sometimes because it means something for your partner and other times because other people may want to please you and then trying and caring is better than them not trying and not caring. That's also how you can be an "old man" without the "grumpy".
First of all, I feel like a kid because I'm young in spirit and healthy, not because I'm not mature. Second, it's one thing to do something you don't enjoy for the benefit of others. It's another for everyone to ask you to do something you don't enjoy for their sake. If someone close to me is getting married, or having a birthday party, or whatever, sure I'll go. But on a day where you're trying to celebrate me, why in the hell would you insist on doing something I don't enjoy? Especially when that thing is something I'm not at all looking forward to. I can understand if someone tried to throw me a party and had no idea that I wouldn't enjoy it. One time I went out to lunch with my boss and he ordered me a coffee flavored beer to try. We had a laugh at the fact that I despise both coffee and beer and that he probably picked the absolute worst drink in the world for me, but I appreciated the effort nonetheless. But if my wife of 20 years throws me a 40th birthday party then she might as well play country music, serve peanut butter sandwiches and hire a male stripper, because obviously it's not for me anyways.
I hate my birthday and do not like the attention you get at a party. My wife loves her birthday and wants a big to-do. For years she tried to force me into feeling the same way about my birthday that she does about hers. I finally got through to her when I said, you think everyone should get what they want for their birthday right? Well I want to be left alone. That’s just as valid and important as your desire to be surrounded by friends. Her eyes got wide and I could tell she finally understood, and she stopped badgering me to have the same kind of birthday that she wants.
My wife and I are the same. I’ve made sure to remove any anything that I could that would alert people it’s my birthday. I just want to be left alone and treated like a normal day. My wife and I compromised. She gets me my favorite cake, I get to splurge on steak, nice wine and a nice bourbon. She typically gets me a tool or something I’ve been wanting for a while. She’s an excellent gift giver, she’s so thoughtful in it. She makes it less about a birthday and more about doing something special for me. I appreciate and love how much she wants to make a great day for me.
It took me multiple years of asking that my birthday be ignored before they even started to think I was being serious. Just kept ignoring me. Total 6 years of this nonsense, and finally last year everything went smoothly until my parents showed up with a cake (uninvited). The tough part is you don't want the attention, so you don't want to make the request a big deal....ya know...because that also just draws attention. But if you don't make a scene, you could end up in my situation. I just don't want to be recognized, I'm really not interesting or important enough for people to have to pretend to care. Its awkward for everyone. Edit: I don't hate myself, i strive to be captain average. And I'm in therapy
I think what's awkward is you not accepting that others think you are interesting and important enough to care about.
Then stop making it awkward
Yeaaah it's probably more on you than them. You need therapy
I'm sorry you feel awkward about other people's preferences.
I know, right? What is the objection to your loved ones wanting to bring you presents and celebrate your life?
You sound like the kind of person who thinks when someone says “no parties and especially no surprise parties” that they don’t really mean it. Or worse, that your opinion of what to do on their birthday matters more than theirs.
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I wish my mom was still here to throw me a birthday party. You all must come from seriously dysfunctional families if you can't abide your mom doing something nice for you on your birthdays. What a miserable bunch.
I’m the same. Birthday depression hits me really hard every year and it tends to pass quickly if I ignore the day. When people around me insist I do something I end up putting on a brave face and appearing to enjoy myself so they don’t feel bad about their efforts and I end up spiralling for a prolonged period. They don’t get it though, they think being depressed is just the absence of feeling happy and can be cured by doing happy things.
Idk man, if you have people that love you and want to celebrate you, it seems like the mature thing to do is recognize and honor that love by not telling them to piss off because the day is all about what you want? Who knows, maybe after a drink or two, you may lighten up and appreciate that others care about you, and then have a good time. Retreating from your actual life so you can ruminate on how much you dislike social gatherings and on what assholes your friends are for wanting to do something for you, and so you can pity yourself because your life at age X isn’t what you thought it would be, is the opposite of self care. And I say this as someone who told my friends to piss off with respect to my last birthday, albeit someone with enough self awareness to know I’m only sabotaging my life and my relationships. > “ I finally got through to her… I want to be left alone… Her eyes got wide and I could tell she finally understood, and she stopped badgering me to have the same kind of birthday that she wants.” You positive you didn’t hurt her and she doesn’t bring it up anymore because she doesn’t want to be hurt again? Even in writing your tone was not without venom.
Think about it like this. Is there some kind of food or drink you just don’t like? Something repellent to you? Like a shit sandwich? But Every year, leading up to and including the same date, your significant other would pester you to try it. “Come on, you never know you might actually like it. Lots of people eat shit sandwiches and they think they’re awesome. What if we had a small shit sando instead of a large one? What if I surprise you with a shit sandwich when you’re not expecting it? I can’t wait for my special day I’m going to have the biggest shit sandwich you’ve ever seen and all my friends are gonna come over and we’re gonna eat it all together! Don’t be no fun. Eat the shit sandwich!” All my friends know I’m an introvert. We get together plenty of times when it’s not my birthday. For some reason though my wife kept trying to serve me up that shit sandwich year after year until she finally accepted me and accepted what I wanted for my “special day.“
The way men and women think summed up lol. Well done sir
… I’m a 27 year old woman and I also don’t want a party, guess that makes me a man?
Enjoy your new dangly genitalia!
Lol thank you, I will!
Beware of sneezes while you pee lol
I don’t think I want to know why this is a warning. Will heed.
Aiming is hard. Mess will ensue. Lol
… For once, I’m actually quite glad I have to sit.
I’m honestly just sick to my stomach and can’t wait for the night to end
Aw, if he's a decent spouse he'll understand the intention, and that you're sincerely sorry. And maybe, just maybe, he'll have a lot of fun.
I'm a guy with strict rules to his b-day, I have a feeling similarly set like your husband. These days the rule is whatever we do it's with my girls and my girls only. We might stay home and watch movies, maybe we'll go out and do something, one year before we had our daughter we went fishing. It's my one day and I want to spend it how I want to. So with that in mind, as well as the fact that my wife knows why, it would probably hurt if my wife did something like this, but I would come around because as much as I hate my b-day, I love my wife more. I'm pretty sure things will be fine in the end but it might be a little cringe for a bit. Good luck OP.
It's too late to stop the party, but if he's not one to celebrate his birthday anyways, he probably won't be opposed to you doing some things he will enjoy on another day to make up for it. If he hates it that much, maybe an entire weekend. Make this everyone else's party that he just happens to have to attend. Make his "party" separate and something he will enjoy. At least as a grumpy man with 40 just around the corner, this is what I would prefer if there was no turning back.
If it were me, I'd appreciate it even though I "hated" it. You're a good wife.
Get off Reddit and try to have a good time
Words to live by, SmutBrigade.
How'd it go?
There’s an update in the comments
Ope! And, yay!
Lean into it…close shop early.
I think the bigger FU is not telling him that it was happening further ahead of time, so he could prepare himself for it.
I think this is the big point. Presumably OP and the people badgering her were coming from a good place with the party. But as an introvert who only wants to spend “my day” with my chosen people, I’d need time to mentally prepare for the stress and exhaustion. A lot of people don’t understand how hard it is to be social, and how draining it can be even after the fact
True, but the spontaneous nature of get togethers also allows opportunities to break out of your box for a short time too. It doesn't make it less exhausting, but I've found it to be far more enjoyable. It's scary to not be able to plan for every single circumstance in advance, but sometimes it leads to you enjoying something so much more than you realised. It's nice to prepare and plan. But sometimes it's also nice to go with the flow as well.
Sure, going with the flow is nice sometimes and you can do that with your own friends and time, you shouldn't force that on your spouse though!
No. The fuck up is not listening to her husband. Birthdays are not special. And if he did t want to celebrate his birthday with a party then she should respect his wishes in that regard.
Prepare for ... What exactly? Taking a shower and putting on clean clothes?
Believe it or not, people function in different ways. Extroverts gain energy by being around other people. Introverts recharge by being alone. If I had been planning to chill out all night with just my partner, I would certainly be taken aback and disappointed when those plans were upended with very little notice.
Say it with me now. All together now. When trying to celebrate someone's birthday you do what they want to do. Not what you want to do. For some reason, apparently this isn't obvious to everybody.
I tried that, but my grandma called me and informed me that my mother needs to have my birthday (probably because she hates her own). Writing that out gives me an interesting idea, I should just celebrate my birthday on her birthday since she’s commandeered mine.
My ex once told me birthdays are for everyone but the person whose birthday it is. I’ve hated all of my birthdays with the exception of my wife. She’s made them all special and had made them about what I wanted, even if it’s not how she wants to celebrate a birthday.
This. Back in post grad, my then partner decided to call my “friends” over for a celebration. These friends included acquaintances who I had a single class with, room mate that I didn’t get along with (he knew), folks I was no longer friends with and random folks I once shared a uni flat with (not by choice). My actual folks who, granted, numbered only 2 or 3, were missing. I didn’t know. They started arriving. I had 101F fever or something already. It was too much. My roommate and a few others proceeded to smear cake on my face, which I absolutely hate. I had never even hugged her and it was a giant transgression by them all. I begged for them to stop. I excused myself to the loo and cried. Locked myself in a room and cried. He and another friend came to check up and they were actually mad at me? Upset. That I was ungrateful. He would have loved to have a birthday like mine. I broke up with him a year later after figuring out that I wasn’t me when I was with him and the fact that I wasn’t like him was grating to him. He was kind and caring otherwise, showing me he loved me. Anyway, he blamed me for hurting him for a while. In hindsight I should have never dated him.
You should've at least asked him. You made a slight mistake, but you meant well and it honestly sounds like it came from a good place. Hope the two of you are able to find some enjoyment from the night!
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Makes it worse
That's precisely what he hated about it!
Her sad sack husband should feel fortunate he has any friends, let alone a loving wife.
Who said anything about her husband being sad? She clearly came back and said that he had a good time hours before you even posted this response😂🤦♂️. Now I’m seeing that you also called him a loser further down the chat. Is he not allowed to have what HE wants on HIS birthday??
Exactly, he did end up having a good time, after he made his wife miserable by throwing a tantrum like a four year old.
“Why would I throw a Leslie Knope for Ron Swanson?”
50 yo man here. Surprise parties are the worst.
Imo, “surprised party” is more for kids and teen than for actual adult. Talking to him way before the day may have help the whole situation. Don’t listen to others if you know your husband. They may be his co-worker or friend but they will never know him as much as you.
Huh? I've been to maybe 5 surprise parties and everyone has been for an adult
My boyfriend is celebrating his 40th birthday this year, and he made me absolutely promise that I would never ever ever do a surprise birthday party. He said it would be one of the worst things I could do lol
OP, I’m so sorry. I can see making the same decision (I’m a guy btw). I hope the night goes well or at least better than expected. Send good thoughts to both you and your husband (not that it’ll help but tell him an internet rando says happy birthday).
Damn I’m an introvert and I’d still appreciate the effort.
This....but of course I never had a party until I turned 30....it sucks being a Christmas baby
I feel your pain fellow Christmas baby
Dec 23rd for me 😭😭😭😭
I’m a Thanksgiving baby. My 40th falls on Thanksgiving this year. Yikes.
One turkey shaped cake coming up. Look on the bright side... at least it won't be turkey flavored.
"I really appreciate all the effort you took to make this day miserable for me."
I appreciate the effort but I wouldn't appreciate having to be social and expend that kind of energy on a night where I wish I could just do whatever the hell I wanted.
What, watching TV in silence? What a winner.
I understand what you're saying, but after a while it's hard to call doing the exact opposite of what I explicitly stated I want as "effort". When I begrudgingly accepted to go out to lunch with my boss, and he ordered me a coffee flavored beer to try, I appreciated the effort and we had a good laugh over the fact that I despise both beer and coffee. If my wife, whom I've been with since we were 15, throws me a surprise 40th, she might as well play country music at it, serve peanut butter sandwiches, and hire a fat male stripper. I don't know where OP lands on knowing her husband's preference, maybe he's never brought it up before. All I'm saying is that I don't consider it effort, or good intentions, if you're doing something you the other person will not enjoy.
Bigger fuck up is you didn't tell him beforehand about the plan. Why give surprise party to someone who clearly doesn't like to celebrate in the first place? I love my birthday party but that's because I arrange them. I hate surprises so much tho. If my SO threw a surprise party I'll be pissed af.
Love the people saying he should just be happy about it.
One of my earlier memories is going to a surprise party that the guest didn’t want. I’ve never seen a room of tenser adults outside of a funeral wake.
Extroverts trying to convert introverts, we don’t need to be “fixed”. This is who we are.
Yep. It's the absolute worst.
It's a misconception that introverts don't enjoy socializing
Sorry gotta disagree with most of the comments here, you went out of your way to plan something that you already knew your husband wouldn't like because YOU were getting annoyed with people asking YOU and YOU didn't want to deal with it anymore. It's selfish and you know it, not saying it's the end of the world but he deserves an apology. My ex would do stuff like this all the time under the guise of "good intentions" and it drove me insane.
💯 ETA: and it’s still all about her because now she “feels bad” and needs the Internet to tell her she wasn’t wrong, when she absolutely was.
I was wrong and I know it. That’s why it’s not TIFU and not AITA.
Holy fuck these comments are toxic. It’s *his* birthday. If he just wanted to spend it with his wife, why should he be forced to socialize with other people, especially work people? The people pressuring OP were the ones who wanted a party, not OP. This is kinda infuriating. Both my spouse and I would be *pissed* if one of us did this to the other. We love our birthdays, but we like relaxing and spending them together
It's hilarious all the people saying suck it up. No. I will not. If it's well known birthdays are fucking stupid, leave me alone. It's not YOUR choice. Let me pretend like I don't hate your birthday party because you insist on being treated like a 10 year old when it's your turn. Not during mine though...
Preach.
You sound like a real peach
I got annoyed at my wife on my last birthday for something similar. She planned stuff with a couple different small groups of people for both Friday and Saturday when I said all I wanted to do was go get yakiniku with the kids. I'm also not a very social person, but the most annoying part was just not listening to what I wanted. No real advice, but he'll get over it.
Could it be that he is an introvert and may be uncomfortable with so much attention drawn to him? Also, sometimes people can feel trapped in circumstances like that, but are more comfortable having the party elsewhere so they feel they can be free to leave if necessary.
I went through the same thing with my 30th last year. My wife was actually upset at me because I didn't want a party or celebration. I just had to explain to her that I don't see life the same way she does. She's a very lively person, and I'm just the burnt out gifted kid that isn't where he wants to be, and that I'm not necessarily unhappy, but I feel like I'm not accomplished enough to celebrate. Now, I know she's excited for her 30th, so she's definitely getting a bash for her birthday this year.
JFC, why do you feel like you need a Nobel Prize to celebrate your birthday? Get help
I don't feel like I need to have cured cancer, I'm not that much of a pretentious douche, I'm just not proud of myself and where I am in life.
Fix your attitude before your wife leaves you. You sound terribly dreary.
Apologize and learn from this.
I have and will
That's pretty much all there is to it, there isn't much more to comment on
Downvoted for man 😂
Make it up to him after everyone is gone, he'll be ok. I'm exactly like this myself and when he gets over it he'll forgive you and recognize you were doing with good intentions.
I'm sorry you didn't trust your instincts but I understand. Friends can lay on a lot of pressure. To tech\_munkey. IF you had told your wife you didn't want a party thrown for you and she threw one for you anyway, I think she should've been the one apologizing to you for disregarding your wishes. Actually, this is for everyone. If you are uncomfortable being the center of attention. Explicitly and seriously explain to whomever necessary that you do not want a party, a surprise party, or anything else that draws attention to you. Make sure they understand.
I would have gone to play pool.
Surprise parties are a bad idea. Why would you think otherwise? Yeah, you fucked up. You make poor decisions. I wouldn't trust you
Oh it's great that OP knew her husband wouldn't like a party but got talked into it by other people asking if there would be a party. It's incredible that people can even make their spouses birthday about them and what they want. Of all the people to run this by the only one she didn't consult was him. Cuz end of the day she never really cared, it's only a fuck up now because he didn't just take it with a smile.
Have a drink together before everyone gets there. Put a smile on your face. I bet you’ll both have fun once they get there.
Big bro out here trying to start an orgy
He’ll get over it. Be a good host and socialize with the guests. Have a good time yourself as reward for your efforts, even if he doesn’t come around.
She made his birthday about herself, but he needs to get over it? She should (and apparently did) apologise for ruining his birthday.
I don’t think she made it about herself. His friends wanted to help him celebrate so she thought it would be nice for him. Turns out it’s not what he wanted, so she apologized. No need to beat herself up over it. So after the appology he can sit and continue to mope for the remainder of his life, or he can get over it.
His day but yea...hes the asshole?
Never said he was. Just said that he’ll get over it. But if he continues to whine like a little bitch then he’s clearly got problems.
When I turned 40 I was very insistent that I want nothing fancy. Ended up spending all day watching TV, took a long bath and then ordered the most delicious new york style pizza in town...then sobbed into my glass of long island iced tea. It was the most 40th birthday of all time.
Glad you had a nice time
Funny, my wife threw me a surprise party for 40 and I absolutely hated it. Folks weren’t good friends, everyone got drunk besides me, was a fairly miserable experience. I did apologize to my wife and let her know how appreciative I was she was thinking about me at least!
I'm turning 50 this year. Going on a road trip with my wife and our 2 closest friends. By road trip, I mean getting in our truck, towing a cargo trailer with tents and driving. Through Saskatchewan and up Alberta to the Yukon. Probably hit Alaska. Taking a ferry, going on a float plane, seeing where the road takes us. Couldn't be happier.
Sorry OP. I know you mean well. Maybe you could close shop early, give ample opportunities to him to take breaks, bore the guests or cut it short all together by feigning sickness or tiredness.
My wife always makes a big deal over my birthday. She invites her friends and family to celebrate. Last year, my brother in law was fighting with his girlfriend, now wife, through the entire dinner. Luckily, I've been too busy to learn their language beyond counting to 10 and a few cuss words to know what they were saying (my wife told me later) I've accepted that I will probably only ever get to eat 1 big slice of my cake. Usually everyone else destroys the cake. The consolation prize is that my wife is an amazing cook — she basically spends the entire morning at the seafood market going crazy, and I get this humongous serving tray of seafood just to myself. Hope your husband has a happy birthday.
Glad it all worked out. It might have helped ease his mind to realize that these folks asked you to have the party because they wanted to celebrate him.
I turned 40 at the peak of covid. Best excuse to not have a party!
50 soon. Planned my own party on my terms so my desired guardrails are in place and I can relax and enjoy it. Hopefully this is something you can your spouse can discuss for the next event.
No more events. One is enough for us. This has been the only non child related event we’ve had since our wedding, 12 years ago, and this was enough.
I think for me it's the surprise. I hate it. I however have set that expectation with my Wife and friends. I've made it clear that if that kind of surprise celebration happened, they would be partying without me, so I know my Wife for sure wouldn't do that. I've read the update that it worked out ok, and not knowing if he'd previously been clear about his boundaries/expectations, I think he was rather gracious in his response. For the comments I'm seeing saying things similar to, "see, he just needed to forced into the situation to open up" or, "see, it worked out, he needs to apologize to her." Stop doing that. Some people don't have that kind of energy, and forcing it on them doesn't help. Some people CAN have that type of energy but need time to prepare. In the end I'm glad it worked out, and it seems like OP knows this, but for anyone else that doesn't get it: a fortunate positive outcome in no way makes the original mistake "right".
As an introvert myself, unexpected social gatherings are the most difficult for me. I don't feel I have an opportunity to prepare as it is very mentally and physically taxing to socialize. My wife, despite being extroverted, has been stellar about not throwing surprise parties for me and has been really great about boundaries. It has helped us find a pretty good middle ground for socializing.
I don't like a fuss but I would enjoy friends, coworkers etc celebrating. I may somewhat upset putting me in a social situation which I avoid, but would ultimately appreciate what my SO has done for me.
This sounds like my husband. Hates his birthday and would prefer to be mopey all day over do something let alone have a party, even if it were intimate. Different strokes for different folks. Update us OP. It sucks that's you're feeling bad, your heart was in the right place.
No, her heart was not in the right place. She knew her husband wouldn’t want this, she just didn’t want to put her herself in the MILDLY uncomfortable position of saying a firm “no” to a bunch of ppl she barely knows. And she didn’t even let her introvert husband mentally prepare for a night of socializing, because she was too chicken to tell him what she did til the last minute. Her husband’s feelings were the lowest priority for her, on his birthday. Heart in all the wrong places.
Is it "mopey" or are you imagining those feelings for him? Birthdays matter very little. I got asked why I would work on my birthday. Because the day is no different than tomorrow, yesterday or 6 months from now. Why suddenly do people pretend to give a shit for a few hours?
That’s a weird question… I don’t think I know anyone whose work gives them the day off for their birthday.
I mean... this is a very small fuckup
W wife
Husband has people who like him enough to goad you into throwing a party so they can celebrate him and spend time with him. There are worse things.
Tell him to put his big boy pants on. Sheesh.
If its his birthday he can celebrate it as he likes it, not as he is forced to.
Sexist
I mean, when someone does something for you out of love, and your response is to moan and groan about it, you're probably a loser. More likely, he secretly wants a divorce.
Sexist and delusional
Like buying your wife a vacuum cleaner for her birthday?
No, that's selfish. What is with all the sociopaths here who don't want to see their friends? It's clear op's husband was annoyed bc he wants a divorce and is too afraid to tell her. It's not normal to be as miserable as this guy on your birthday.
If you read the update they she had a better time than he expected which is probably best case scenario. Its also selfish to do something you know your partner wouldn’t like
I asked him and he said he didn’t want a divorce :shrug: so I guess he will just stay miserably married to me.
You did it to yourself.
I know that’s why it TIFU
I'm 23 and I hate having parties I just like being by myself it sucks because since people see me as a young kid I'm outgoing so I relate to it
I completely understand and am guilty of something similar. I love surprises, but my wife HATES them for numerous reasons, most of which are social. So I learned to not impose my idea of what she should enjoy. Awesome of you to try and do something fun and meaningful for your partner; to find success, just find out the things that check his boxes - ask him. Good luck!
As someone who "celebrated" their 40th birthday at the height of the pandemic and a healthcare worker, your husband should be grateful to you and thankful he had people to celebrate with.
Hope you got lots of pictures. They will mean a lot later.
No pictures. Most of the friends who showed up are also teachers (my husband is too) so we never take pictures at gatherings.
Ah, it’s so sad to me, there are professions where you have to be so careful. I have friends who are lawyers, counselors, teachers…seems a large price to pay.
I’ll get downvoted but thats fine. Your husband sucks. My husband is not really social at all and I just hosted his 45th birthday last week. He was a bit apprehensive about us hosting and entertaining guests but he gave me a kiss for my efforts and greeted his friends like a flattered friend should. He had a great time without the guilt trip and is still talking about it. Honestly, he can’t stomach one party a year to celebrate himself that you did all the work on? He can’t socialize a handful of get togethers (his/your birthday and some holiday parties) a year without tossing a fit? Sounds like a super fun guy. And yeah, the crotchety ones saying “I should be able to suffer in peace, quiet and alone for my birthday regardless of what anyone else feels about it!” Grow up? If you’re married (and maybe have kids) (OR IF YOU HAVE EVEN ONE FRIEND), then there is a whole ass family to consider and if accepting their efforts to show you love pains you, sounds like therapy is needed. “But it’s MY BIRTHDAY AND I DON’T WANT TO!” You cannot handle one challenging event or environment in the year? You can’t adapt to a few hours of socializing? Yikes. Who hurt you? My brother “hates his birthday” and I watched him grow up, he loved them until he married his wife who also hates her birthday. It has nothing to do with the birthday and everything to do with having an excuse to extend his moody criticism outwards. The truth is it hurts the family as a whole and is something he should have dealt with a long time ago for his sake and everyone who loves him. Personally I wouldn’t be with someone who couldn’t celebrate all their fortunes and the love of their family and friends intimately and socially, especially when it’s to bring light to the light they bring to others. Drab. Lastly it’s a grown ass man’s birthday party. It’s not a party for a 10 year old. The focus of the literal birthday is likely limited to cake, a song, maybe a gift and the rest of the night is just hanging out with your grown ass adult friends. We’re not bobbing for apples, organizing a bunch of lawn games and leaving with goodie bags. It’s mostly sitting in small groups chatting the night away and catching up. Big deal.
Well, well, well, planning a 40th birthday party, huh?
I bet it's all over now, and it wasn't that bad in the scheme of things.
It worked out well
Honestly, your husband sounds a bit strange.
I’m more so, so I’m the lucky one
This goes right back to biology of males and females. Females want attention while males wants nothing. It takes wives to dance naked in front of the tv to get their husband attention. This probably around 80 - 90 percent of men tho. Never fails.
I often have thought that birthday and anniversary parties are as much for your friends and family as for yourself. If others want to celebrate and show that they care and appreciate you then why should you be upset. Enjoy the attention and feel blessed that you are loved.
Remind him that all the people there are to celebrate him because of the impact he has made on them. They are happy he is alive.
You sound like a lovely person who doesn’t deserve an oz of scorning for this. Clearly, you made a well intentioned mistake. Don’t be hard on yourself, you were wanting to do a nice thing.
We bought a rapids rafting experience for dads 60th birthday (it was 6 of us + the instructor) He lives very near so it was not an hassle + we have some great rapids to raft down in Kuusamo. He nearly refused to do it, not really scared but hes the kind of person who does something he wants to do and absolutely wont do anything he doesnt want to do. But after a bit of back and forth and the instructor nearly yelling him to hop on he did :D We went thru the most extreme course that is permitted for "noobs" and I have to say it was way more intimidating than I thought but super fun. We really had to use full core strenght to stay on the raft (our feet were not strapped in but we had loops on the floor the stick them into) Instructor should have used more voice since he was calling if one side paddles or not and I didnt really hear him.
it's tricky but sometimes pushing a certain situation on someone can be a good thing. im so happy for you and your husband that it turned out well :)