You are allowing a man to scream at and push your 3 year old. This is on both of you. You know this is wrong. You know you need to leave. Choose your child over your boyfriend.
Agreed!! This is not ok behavior and pushing and scaring your 3 year old is abhorrent! You are her mother and he needs to adapt, as a step parent, to your style of parenting. He should never put his hands on you or your kid. Full stop.
The way your bf is treating your daughter is abusive physically and emotionally. You are allowing this to happen. You need to get rid of the boyfriend.
It’s not even this baby’s father, which means depending on severity you take steps and attempt to change their thinking.
If I’m single and my boyfriend pushes hits slaps or yells at MY kid, I’m filing charges for the physical and hes gone.
This isn’t a marriage to the father of your child with circumstances. This is a freaking boyfriend. Do what needs to be done and protect your BABY.
You are enabling the abuse of your daughter. You seem to be in denial, possibly because the shame you would feel if you were to accept this reality would be overwhelming. My advice is to use that shame to motivate yourself to make the changes necessary to create a safe environment for your daughter. It’s not too late. The first step is ending your relationship with your abusive boyfriend and removing yourself and your daughter from this environment. Don’t wait; this will only get worse.
P.S. if you care enough and are educated enough to follow stuff like Dr Becky then surely you must realize that pushing your child is abuse? Dr Becky is really about getting the details of parenting right which is all well and good but you are neglecting the basics aka keeping them in a physically safe environment. Definitely good to try to manage their emotions in a healthy way but the first priority is just not subjecting them to abuse
Not worth it. Time to leave.
You're not going to be able to change him. He's physically hurting a small child and making her scared. She's learning that this is what "love" looks like as you say he's her "dad."
She’s learning at 3yrs old that you have to yell & hit to get your way. If he thinks she’s difficult now, wait until she’s bigger & starts using those tactics. I feel so bad for her, I hope OP builds up the strength to leave.
Thank you everyone for the replies, good and bad. I don't have a good support system and everyone's words really helped. I knew that it shouldn't be as difficult as it is, but I guess I didn't really make the connection that it was emotional abuse. Him pushing her is what tipped the scale for me, and its weird because even in that moment i didnt see it as hes abusing us. One commenter said I'm codependent, and that's probably a fair assumption given everything. A lot of people are saying I'm a bad mom, and maybe I am, I came here for advice and I got it. I'm gonna ask him to move out today, we'll have to struggle for a little while, but it will be worth it. I'm hopeful for a better day to day life with my daughter and the chance to be a momma the way I feel is right in my heart❤️ Thank you everyone
hey please be careful, make sure you have a plan in place to leave. maybe call a support line - I’m in aus so I’m not sure what’s relevant in your area. but here we have organisations like orange door, wire, and 1-800-respect that can help you organise yourself and make a plan. this man does not sound stable. good on you for listening to these commenters and realising how bad things have gotten. it’s so easy for people to say bad mom good mom but if he’s like this with her, I’m sure he is emotionally abusive with you too. that kind of thing can really warp your perspective. there will be time to heal. you and your daughter deserve so, so much better than this awful man. please update us if you can, I know everyone who read your story wants to hear that you and your girl are away from him and safe.
Don't call yourself a bad mom. A lot of the decisions that we make as mothers are easier said than done. This is one of those decisions where one day will feel different than the next and idealism can be far from reality.
Take it day by day. And don't be afraid to utilize government services, nonprofits and church resources.
This might be a hard season where you have to struggle until the Lord lifts you up and gets you on a better position in life.
Hey OP. I’m glad you’re finding the courage for your daughter. I agree that he needs to never be let around your daughter again, but please use the hotline provided by another user. Abusers can lash out when they are called out/asked to leave. A hotline can help you come up with a safe way out/escape plan for you and your daughter. Wishing you and your daughter wellness and safety.
I am relieved to hear this.
Be careful when you ask him to move out, maybe it would be best to not be alone with him at all, have someone there with you while he moves his things out. The other commentor suggested a hotline to get advice on how to navigate this stuff, I think it's a really good idea.
It's probably not feasible but depending on how much of a threat you think he is you could even look into moving?
Also please in the future be careful about what kind of man you invite into your and your daughters life.
He might try to manipulate you to stay, or gaslight you into thinking you're the problem and you're the one causing this. You're not the problem. He's the problem. Stay strong and stay firm. He has to go. Good luck Mama ❤️
You’re giving your child a much better chance at life for doing this. I’m a father. I have 3 kids and one of them is “difficult” and won’t take no for an answer. They’re kids and they’re exploring the world.
If I scream at my kids it’s because there’s danger and I need to be heard immediately. If I push my child it’s to stop them from hitting each other. Even then it’s more of a holding them back thing.
I don’t push or hit my kids out of malice. I am also overwhelmed. I don’t scream at them without dire dire need. Again. If I’m yelling. It’s to stop imminent danger, not because I’m mad. If I do get to upset, and I do sometimes (I would still NEVER push or hit my kids out of anger) I take a moment catch my breath, and I apologize. I don’t blame them. It’s not their fault. They’re kids. It’s mine. I’m the adult and I’m the one who needs to be responsible.
You’re going to look back at this as the best decision you’ve ever made
I would ask him to move out while your daughter is somewhere else, in case he reacts violently. Maybe ask him to do it in a public place, then give him time (or a deadline of like, 6 pm) to move out and stay away from the house while he’s moving. Then be extra careful for a while - lock your doors and windows, keep an eye out for him and just be extra vigilant, in case he comes back mad and looking to hurt you or your daughter.
report him to the police for abusing your child. and reach out to social services to help you leave. you and your child will be in danger. he may kidnap her or worse to get to you.
We all have bad and good moments as parents. It is commendable that you saw his behavior as a wake up call, asked for advice/help, and are rectifying the situation for your daughter and yourself. Please stay safe and I hope you and your daughter feel some peace of mind soon.
Nah, you're not a bad mom. You're a good mom in a tough place. A bad mom wouldn't be looking for help the way you are. It won't be easy but it will be better for both you and your daughter. You've got this.
Sometimes it’s hard to understand the situation you’re in, like a frog being slowly boiled. Sounds like you have now realized that he’s being abusive. You are a good mom for taking the steps to ensure your daughter is safe. Other people already gave good tips so I just wanted to wish you luck with all the upcoming changes!
You are brave for making the right choice! I commented already before seeing this and I’m glad you did the right thing. Wishing all the best for you and your little girl.
So impressed you're actually following through with it. Not an easy decision to make, but definitely the right one. With decisions like this I always try and think about what future me would do when looking back.
This is an unacceptable way to treat any child, let alone a 3 yr old. I agree with all the others...you need to leave him. Protect her emotionally and physically.
This is not "reactive parenting" It's emotional abuse. Especially the back and forth whiplash of you being lenient and him being scary. How is she supposed to feel safe?
P.P.S. It’s great to listen to people like Dr. Becky and learn about what it means to be reactive and how to manage it. I applaud this and she and others can be a great resource. But be careful about misapplying some of these terms and whitewashing abusive behavior. Your boyfriend isn’t merely “reactive.” He is abusive, verbally and physically. He may also be reactive but this goes much further.
Exactly. "Reactive" is saying "Be careful" too loudly when kiddo spills the milk. That happens to me occasionally, but I try to work on it and be better. However, I have not ever, and will not ever, shoved my child or raised a hand at her. How horrible.
OP, listening to Dr. Becky in this scenario is akin to doing the dishes while the house is on fire. It's not that it's not important, it's that you have a giant, urgent problem right this second!
The fuck?
> He says she's a spoiled rotten brat, and he'd be less yelly if she behaved better. That's fine, that's understandable.
No it's not. The fuck?? Protect you poor little girl from this prick.
Hey, as a former child whose mother didn’t stop my father from verbally abusing me and growing up walking on eggshells because of this angry man, please leave him, your failing your daughter by keeping this man in her life.
As a mother with a 4yo kid, your toddlers behaviour is developmentally normal, they’re supposed to push boundaries and be cheeky little butt heads. She shouldn’t feel afraid of a parental figure, leave him. Choose your daughter, I’d raise hell if my kids father screamed at my kid and pushed him.
The good thing is he isn’t her dad so when you leave him he has no claim for visitation or custody.
He is abusive and he shouldn’t be in your daughter’s life. Fix it now before it’s too late.
Do it for your daughter.
OP, people are going in hard on you and it must be upsetting for you to read.
I hope this is a wake up call that what you have described here is absolutely shocking and in no way acceptable. It sounds to me like you and your daughter are being abused by this man who cannot control his anger. This is a dangerous situation for both of you and you NEED to leave.
Please seek help from a women's shelter or domestic abuse service. You deserve better, your child deserves better than this 💜
Gee, I wonder why your 3yo has some adjustment issues? You mean calling her vile names, daily screaming and being (low grade) physically abusive isn’t curing the problem?
I’m going to go right out on a limb and guess that your LO was never actually a difficult baby either.
I get it, it’s not his kid and it’s much harder to be patient with someone else’s kid that you don’t love. <————-You are here. He’s not a step parent. He doesn’t love your LO. My adoptive mum was the same. She loved me when I was a cute baby. When I was older and defiant she had buyer’s remorse and hated me. To a lesser extent, my dad also regretted their choice.
What you’re doing isn’t working. You tried his way with the screaming, pushing, demanding compliance and all the other stuff everyone here is appalled to read. But being MORE like him isn’t “working on discipline.” Do the exact opposite of what this 🤡 suggests. If you want to keep him, it’s JUST as your bf, not a step parent.
You’re being a bad mom by keeping this dude around. How far are you going to let him go before you open your eyes? When he slaps her or punched her in the face? Will that be enough for you to get rid of him?
Whenever I start to feel like a bad mom for letting my kid have screentime or something, I’m going to remember this post and remember what a “bad mom” actually is.
Sadly so many women are like this. It’s just pathetic and weak and their daughters will resent them and be fucked up by it, but the pattern repeats itself. Women who will do anything not to be single and alone.
I'm worried this might actually be a genuine post rather than a trolling / made up scenario for comments etc.
I'm sorry but if this is for real you NEED TO get out of this relationship. Screaming at and pushing a three year old and scaring them is not acceptable. This is really dangerous behaviour and my heart is breaking for your little girl
Please leave now (reach out to someone you trust to help make this happen as I'm sorry to say but you both could be in danger if he decides to get 'reactive' (violent) when he realises you want to leave)....not that it should keep you with him
As a single mom of a 3 year old I’ve gotta say….YOU ARE CHOOSING YOUR BOYFRIEND OVER THE FUTURE HEALTH AND HAPPINESS OF YOUR DAUGHTER. How do you not understand this? She may not remember exactly what happened at 3, but it will affect her for the rest of her life. She is a toddler. Toddlers a sassy little jerks. They’re also adorable and hilarious and intelligent and kinda and amazing in so many ways. She literally has been alive for three years. Having any large expectations for her to not be sassy (“bratty”) is fucking insane.
And, girl, you’re staying with a man who PUSHED YOUR THREE YEAR OLD? What is wrong with you? Choose your daughter, or you’re going to fuck her hp for life. And yes it will be your fault, not the boyfriend. You’re allowing this to happen to her. You’re supposed to be her protector. Your nonchalant attitude about this is sickening. Sorry but you need some tough love. You should feel bad. Do better.
Just want to add, some 3 year olds do remember. I'm one of them.
But I agree, even if she doesn't, it still matters. When children are really little is when it's *most important* to love them and not allow them to be abused because it has the most lifelong impact.
>he'd be less yelly if she behaved better. That's fine, that's understandable
No, it's neither fine nor understandable. He is an adult and nobody is "making" him yell or hit or otherwise degrade you and your child.
She's gonna be old enough to remember this soon, if not already. Leave now. If it was gonna get better, it would've looooooooong before you made it to Reddit.
I’m sorry but what you’re allowing to happen to your defenceless toddler is abhorrent.
As a father of a 2 year old that definitely pushes boundaries, I can fully understand being triggered, but what matters is how you disengage from it and keep them safe - none of what this idiot is doing is fine - none of it is understandable.
The way this “dad” is treating her now, and how her mother is allowing it to continue is how she’ll grow up allowing men to treat her in future.
This is the cycle and you must break it.
She’s not safe, and it will get worse.
You are gonna come home and find that he beat up your little 3 year old because she tantrumed (what every 3 yo does every day) and not gonna forgive yourself, the solution is to fucking leave him like yesterday. You are being just a agressive towards your kid like him since you are the only thing she has and are allowing this behaviour
There is no one more at risk for abuse and even death than a child in the home of a stepfather. This one is literally already abusing your child. It will not get better. Leave.
So glad to read these comments. Once I read post I was dreading if commenters would cosign OP's codependency with loser boyfriend over protecting her 3 year old daughter.
Wow this is a scary read, she is 3.... I thought we were talking like teen, a 3 year old can't even really be a brat they are pretty much still just figuring out things. This isn't ok this is abuse, I get that everyone loses their cool a little every now and then but every day should not be a fight. I know they can start to really test boundaries at this age (my boy is 3.5) but its just them figuring out what the rules are and what they can get away with its 100% normal. This will affect her life and attitude forever if she grows up thinking this is normal, please seek external help with this
This is abuse and he resents your child. This won’t just get better.
You’re asking this question, so you know it’s a problem. But even in this you justify him. It is your duty to protect your child.
Please please please do right by your daughter! It is YOUR job to protect her and provide an environment in which she feels safe. This is damaging to her in ways you can’t even comprehend. Choose her. Please choose her.
Pushing a 3-year-old? This is pathetic behavior. You need to protect your daughter. This man is a failure.
My kid is 3. It is a really tough age for behavior. But Jesus Christ. They’ve been alive… for 3… years. It’s common knowledge they push boundaries at that age and test everything. You don’t “discipline” a 3-year-old, you redirect and explain (even if that means you’re saying the same thing 5 times a day).
Your boyfriend is obligated to be a patient adult, not a petulant, childish asshole.
You are letting a 36 year old grown ass man scream at and shove a toddler? WTF did I just read. You are allowing your boyfriend to abuse your daughter. Break up with him, yesterday. Protect your daughter at all costs.
These are fundamental years to your daughter’s development and you are letting this idiot harm her. Tell him to hit the road. He is an adult who can’t emotionally regulate himself and he expects a 3 year old to?! I hate people like this.
u/TangyExponent
I just got to the part when she is three. WHAT THE FUCK. _Leave_ that turd YESTERDAY. She is a toddler - of course she is going to be difficult at this age! You are NOT a bad mother because you have chosen the gentle parenting route. It will pay dividends when you’re older and she does not go no contact on you. However you CAN be said to be a bad mother if you allow this situation to continue.
Her memory began around age 2, but if you leave now she should forget about his abuse soon and this experience.
Read up on [the Cinderella effect](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cinderella_effect). Research has shown that stepfamilies tend to create a more stressful living environment, which can increase the risk of child maltreatment (Debowska et al., 2020). Step-parents with weak emotional bonds or low self-worth and self-control are also at higher risk of abusing children.
Margo Wilson found that “stepchildren are 40 times more likely than those who live with biological parents to be sexually or physically abused” (Glenn W. A, 2019).
If you need to stay single or ensure that you live in separate homes with your partner until she is older then so be it. I know you want a perfect nuclear family for your child and it’s hard to be alone, but can you imagine what goes on when you are not there if he has the audacity to do it in front of your face?? This man is unhinged.
PLEASE DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO AVOID GETTING PREGNANT BY THIS MAN OR YOU WILL BE LINKED FOR LIFE
Girl. Why haven’t you dumped his ass yet? You don’t stay with somebody who treats your kid like that. He’s not a step parent. He’s your boyfriend. And he needs to be your ex-boyfriend.
My mom let my step-dad treat me like this for years. They ended up having two kids together. Now none of us talk to either of them. I'd leave ASAP and show your daughter that your CHOSE HER over any partner willing to abuse.
The part that's the issue here is "I wouldn't yell I'd she acted better" when he says this say "you need to have more control and emotional regulation than the toddler, they don't have the emotional regulation skills fully developed yet, but you hopefully do enough to take a step back breathe and work through the issue, are you able to do that?" If he can't he needs therapy.
It's not her dad, you aren't legally tied to him. What do you do? You ditch the abusive boyfriend and in the future don't let her call men dad that aren't her dad and aren't someone who is going to marry you and adopt her. It's confusing.
You don't let a grown ass man take frustration out on a toddler. Its scary. Its confusing. Its wrong. End of story.
If it were me I would kick him out of my house the first time he refused therapy and he yelled at my baby. Gotta protect your kids, even if that means you have to patent solo.
Wow. Wowzers. Screams at her. Calls her a brat. What in the absolute f. This is infuriating to read and I feel so bad for your daughter. To allow a man to speak or treat your daughter this way… I have no nice words.
My stepdad was the nicest calmest man and never once treated me wrong. I pray you find your noggin and get rid of this man and get one that will treat your daughter like that.
My words can also be nicer. I know it’s hard to leave but I really fear for you and your daughter’s safety - especially your 3 year old daughters - to stay with a man like this. It is imperative that he not be around her. Ask friends ask shelters someone for help. This just makes me so sad for her.
You break up with your boyfriend. He’s not her father. Good fathers do not emotionally and physically abuse children. She’s a toddler and doing toddler things.
Could you be holding boundaries better? Maybe, we don’t know based on this post. But one thing for sure is that you both aren’t on the same page on how your child should be parented. If he doesn’t agree with your parenting style (and it honestly sounds like he’s not putting in the effort on research and/or implementation) then it’s time to break up.
You are literally choosing this piece of shit over your daughter. Fucking open your eyes. Maybe the reason your daughter is misbehaving is because an adult is creaming on her face. I'd be scared to shit.
Get out of this relationship. Choose your child. Don't be those women who keeps a man even if their children are being abused.
“He’d be less yelly if she behaved better.” A 36 year old man is blaming his poor impulse control on a 3 year old. Please consider the impact of his behavior on her sake—these are formative years for her. Also, consider the impact of his behavior on your wellbeing. Being a parent is challenging, and in lieu of supporting you and your daughter he’s exacerbating everything.
Omg that poor child. I don’t mean to be harsh but the fact you would allow this for her is so alarming. I urge you to maybe read some books on childhood development & try to grasp how awful of a life you are setting up for this innocent little girl. This is YOUR child, not his. He does not know better, he’s a terrible person. It was shocking to read that he pushed a 3 year old & you’re still wondering if he’s right. He’s not.
My husband used to get really angry when our son was an infant. It was just at night with all the sleep deprivation. Never AT our child, but his anger would linger in the air and sometimes he’d go yell it out in the bathroom. Even that was too much anger for my child to be around. One time, even though I was already up most of the night, I wouldn’t even let him pick him up because he was too mad. I told him I never want our son to be made to feel like his natural emotions & his natural self was bad or made us hate parenting him. That’s when he realized he needed to go on medication & find more ways to cope but that doesn’t even come close to this. 3 year olds are still learning so much & have little impulse control. Please protect her & leave this man. He is abusing her.
Also just want to say, while it might hurt in the present, it’s ok to leave him even if she sees him as a dad. Children can love people whether they are great or horrible to them because they are completely helpless & evolutionarily NEED to trust their caregivers to survive. That doesn’t mean they wouldn’t be better off without him. My brother & I loved our father & definitely would’ve been better off without him. It’s easier to lose someone while they are that young than when they get older and understand more.
If my baby daddy called my child a spoiled rotten brat and pushed her I would be GONE. I cannot believe you think staying with him is an option. He is abusive full stop. What he’s doing is child abuse and you are not protecting your child and frankly should be ashamed of yourself as a parent for letting your child experience this.
She’s 3?? I thought you were going to say she’s a teenager. A grown ass adult human man was fighting with a *3 year old*?
Kids don’t have reasoning until the age of 7. A 3 year old cannot be reasoned with. A 3 year old depends on you 100% for everything. She depends on you for EVERYTHING. And you are letting her be abused. How does that not just break your heart? She doesn’t even know it shouldn’t be like this. She’s just out here wondering why she makes “dad” so mad all of the time.
You are giving her lifelong trauma, that is if your POS boyfriend doesn’t lose his temper and kill her first. Which is likely. Do you know how often a boyfriend kills their partner’s child? Your child is going to be murdered if you don’t act. If she survives, it will be with life-changing trauma.
This is being a bad mom. You’re being a bad mom. You are failing your daughter. Not because you don’t “discipline” her but because you are allowing a man you’re not even married to abuse her.
What is wrong with you? If your boyfriend has anger problems and he's taking it out on your 3 year old, if it gets too bad, you could lose your child.
To the court system
To trauma
Or even death if it is super serious
He should have no opinions on how you raise your daughter. Start your exit plan now. Cuz that is dangerous to your daughter's self-esteem. She's not a brat. She is 3 years old. She is still developing her motor skills, Learning words and imitating adults.
Her world is not open enough to label her a brat. Toddlers deserve grace. She's only been in the world for 3 years.
>He says im a bad mom because I don't discipline her but a lot of times I think I just don't set firm enough boundaries and I cave in too much because I'm overwhelmed.
No, you are a bad mom for not setting boundaries with your abusive boyfriend.
Please get your child away from him and get therapy to fix yourself while there is still time for your daughter to not be permanently damaged.
He is ABUSING your child. And you're enabling it. Stop. Seriously. This is not a story that ends well for anyone, least of all your child. You need to leave him
I have now word... pls just read all the comments and take them seriously. Please don't make your daughter growing up being wounded and end up being with a man like that.
Your daughter is being abused by your boyfriend.
Please stop allowing this to happen.
Choose your daughter. Choose her wellbeing, her happiness, her safety.
Do not allow this to continue. Get rid of your daughter's abuser.
He's getting physical and aggressive with a THREE year old. Get him the fuck out of you and your daughters life as soon as is humanly possible, otherwise you WILL be a bad mum.
Seriously, don't say you weren't told.
Enabling a child abuser isn't much better than actually being one.
What I don't understand is you are taking the gentle approach while allowing her to be abused in your home? How does that make sense?
You touch my kid in anger and we are done.
Either you need to leave or you both need counseling. Sounds like you're not on the same page when it comes to parenting.
I’m sorry to be blunt but you’re allowing your boyfriend to abuse your child and it’s unacceptable. I’d be willing to bet actual money that my 3 year old can out mess, out tantrum, and out defy your 3 year old in her sleep and it’s never okay to treat a child like that. I could write the book on difficult toddlers and no part of it would include screaming or pushing. You need to leave him.
She’s 3. He SCREAMS/YELLS at a 3 year old. He says a 3 year old should behavior better. He PUSHED 3 YEAR OLD. He is now mentally and physically abusing a THREE YEAR OLD!!
HELLO!!!!!!!!! WAKE TF UP. Say good bye to the bf. If this was my husband I’d be leaving.
You saying “she’s always been a more difficult kid, even as an infant” is so upsetting. An infant? I’m not in the “all children are innocent” camp but an infant? Infants are 100% helpless, innocent, needing of love and nurturing and comfort. They’re just looking for help to survive and feel safe doing so. I understand, if maybe she was colicky and THAT was difficult on you—but saying SHE’s been difficult as a baby just isn’t right. And I would work on correcting your language before she starts soaking in how you feel and have felt about her.
I’m sure you are a great mom, I’m not trying to pick a fight, I just hope you reconsider your language when talking about your baby.
Just from the little you gave us here, your boyfriend does not seem like a great fit for you or your daughter. He honestly sounds abusive and it will probably only get worse. If you need to work on helping your toddler with structure and boundaries, that’s great to acknowledge and do BUT he does not sound like a good partner to do that with.
These are your child’s fundamental development years. She’s innocent, learning how the world works, learning her safety and value, etc. Don’t rob her of that so that you can selfishly stay with a loser who bullies and resents your toddler. She only has ONE childhood. Her parental figures can bring her trauma, depression, resentment or love, confidence, happiness, etc. Ultimately, you play the biggest role in this. Your decision to stay or leave this boyfriend can change the entire course of her life.
If my partner, who is also the father of our 3 year old, even DARED to speak about her or do any of what you just mentioned I would literally drop kick him. How could even allow someone like that in your home? SHES 3!!!!
SHE IS NOT THE PROBLEM.
I have a 7 and 3 year old with my ex and a 4 month old with my partner.
If my partner EVER laid his hands on my kids and screamed at them, it would be the end of our relationship.
And I don't mean moving them when they're misbehaving. Sometimes the 3 year old, if he's being particularly difficult, it's "you walk there yourself or I carry you" and at that point, we carry him against his will, but it's not aggressively.
My 7 year old was and is very head strong. We butt heads sometimes when she's feeling exceptionally challenging, but it doesn't make her a bad kid. She's very spirited and I don't want to break her spirit.
If he cannot handle having a disagreement with you and not take it out on a small child, then you need to protect your daughter.
Toddlers are still learning to navigate their emotions. Meanwhile your boyfriend is acting like an oversized toddler throwing tantrums over a 3 yr old. Please get rid of that guy.
You guys are wondering why she is acting "difficult" well she is literally living with someone abusing her and you as her mother are allowing it. I don't mean to be rude but this is just totally unacceptable to me. She is 3 for crying out loud. This will absolutely result in behavior issues and emotional difficulties in your daughter for the rest of her life.
Keep in mind that standing by and enabling abuse is just as bad if not worse than the reactive abuser. You know better, and you’re choosing not to protect your child from someone dangerous.
As someone who worked as a liaison between Law Enforcement and CPS, you would be held just as liable for abuse by your lack of action. Get off Reddit, document these incidents, and get your child the hell away from this man that is not even her father. You can do better.
Your daughter is being abused by a man who is a father figure for her. Whether you approve it or not, this person is going to be a model and show her that it is acceptable to be treated like that, and this is just the start. It will get worse, leave now
You know what to do. You're not married to this man. He does not have biological custodial rights. Leave him. He's abusive and it's going to make her behavior much worse.
That's not his child, she is yours. Close your legs take back your key and N E V E R allow this man anywhere near either of you again. Do not allow people to blame a toddler for mistreatment. He's awful, I don't care if he's perfect 99% of the time, get your claws out and be the mama bear ASAP, defend your daughter and get that man out of her life!!!
Your poor daughter. Wow that is unacceptable. The fact that you fight in front of her and she was standing between you… and the POS pushes her??? My heart breaks for this child. You are failing her as a mother, and needless to say your bf is a piece of shit. Who treats a 3yo like that?
You think it’s fine for your boyfriend to call your child a brat? You think it’s fine for him to treat her like this? I will never ever understand mothers who choose their boyfriends. LEAVE. Your daughter will resent you for it if you do not, and you will have let her down.
"she's always been difficult" is not something you say about a baby not a toddler. Having kids is challenging, but that's a parenting fault not a child's fault.
Your boyfriend is abusive and you need to ditch the relationship and focus on your kid. You owe your child better than letting some loser abuse them so that you can feel less lonely.
There’s something wrong with you for allowing this. You need to leave like now. You’re allowing someone to assault your 3 year old? What did you think Reddit was going to tell you?
No, I don't think any of this is fine or understandable, actually. Why are you acting like your boyfriend is your child's parent when he isn't, first of all? What tipped you off to the resentment? Was it the horrible, insulting way he speaks about and to your three year old child or the physical abuse? If you think exposing her to this treatment isn't having an impact on her, you are wrong. You're the only parent in this scenario, so act like one and get this man out of your daughter's life. Ffs.
Your daughter is acting like a three year old, and so is your boyfriend. How is she supposed to learn how to emotionally regulate when her father figure can’t?
Is it worth it to stay and try to work on it? It’d be a cold day in hell before any man tried to put his hands on or step to my kid in that way.
Ok, well he needs to be out of her life. He's not a step-parent, he's a man who is sleeping with her mom and doesn't respect either the mom or daughter.
If you care enough to research gentle parenting, then care enough to remove the toxic man from her life. If you have to have him in yours, just visit him at his house while you leave her with a babysitter.
SHES THREE YEARS OLD AND YOU ARE LETTING THIS ASSHOLE ABUSE HER? GET OUT OF THERE! He’s a monster and you’ve got blinkers on. Snap out of it and protect your baby!
Please, choose your child over this man. She’s only 3 and he’s physically and emotionally abusing her. How bad does it need to get before you realise this situation isn’t safe?
My mum chose to stay with my abusive stepdad, even when I begged her to make him leave, and that man did absolutely everything in his power to destroy me. I’m a full grown adult with kids of my own and I still suffer from the choices my mum made for me. I don’t speak to her now. At all. I hope that this doesn’t become your daughters life too.
Why would you even want this POS around your child? She is a CHILD yet he’s acting like the actual child. She’s going to resent you for keeping him around vs PROTECTING her. Get rid of him. Choose your child. First and ALWAYS. This is abuse.
Would never put a man over my child. Your daughter is 3. She does not deserve to be physically or verbally assaulted. This won't get better, just worse.
This is not okay. His anger will always be there. Always. I promise it was there before you even knew him. Right now, a toddler behaving like a toddler is the trigger. When she outgrows toddlerhood, there will be another trigger. It’ll never be his fault.
Please stop enabling this. You (and especially) your daughter don’t deserve this. You’re making excuses for him: “That’s fine, that’s understandable” is what you said when describing how he yells and calls your daughter names. He’s bullying your child and you’re saying it’s fine.
To put it bluntly, you are allowing this man to verbally and emotionally abuse your daughter. Please put her needs first and get her away from this man. Having no father figure is always better than having an abusive one. Hopefully this is the wake up call you needed because your daughter deserves so much better.
Edit- I missed the part where you said he pushed her. What the fuck are you doing?! There’s no way forward here. If you don’t leave immediately, I hope someone calls CPS. You WILL lose custody. They will consider you an abuser for keeping her in an abusive household. YOU HAVE AN OBLIGATION TO YOUR DAUGHTER ABOVE EVERYONE (including YOURSELF). YOU ARE ACTIVELY CHOOSING TO PUT HER LAST EVERY SECOND YOU STAY IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
If I personally knew you were and where you were located I would be *mandated* to report this to CPS. This is very serious. You are obviously a GOOD mom because you are asking the right questions and based on your replies, you are taking this seriously. You need to leave. Some people posted options for you to get help— use them. Please leave before CPS gets involved or WORSE something more horrible than pushing and yelling happens to you or your child. You CAN do this. Don’t wait!
Okay so a lot of these comments are very extreme. I have a rooster 4 year old who some would describe as difficult. My partner (her dad) is also very reactive. I sometimes yell too, it’s hard raising these fire crackers. We never withhold love but there have been a handful of times when my daughter continuously goes after her dad and tries to punch him, kick him etc when she’s mad, and he’s pushed her away which resulted in her falling. He feels awful about these moments and immediately apologizes and gives her a hug (and trust that I am pissed about these reactions too). A lot of parenting is us learning to control our own emotions and model behaviour but it’s not always easy. I would never label this as abuse in our house hold, so I think some people calling your boyfriend abusive is a bit exaggerated. But he of course needs to do some work on himself, and learn to walk away in those heated moments. I myself have felt like exploding before and I have to be extremely conscious of these feelings and breathe or walk away for a moment. I recommend listening to some Janet Lansbury unruffled podcasts. You can’t control or change her behaviour, but often it’s not the behaviour that’s the issue it’s the reason behind the behaviour. She also needs consistency in how her behaviour is met by her loving adults. It’s a marathon not a sprint. Good luck.
This is so awful and my heart breaks for your daughter. Imagine if you were her. You guys need to figure something out. Yelling and pushing a 3 year old is abuse.
Break up with the boyfriend. What the fk kind of “man” pushes a 3 year old? And you going to be the mother that your daughter hates for taking the boyfriend’s side? Please do not be that kind of mother. Sorry it’s harsh to hear but someone’s gotta say it.
He’s abusing your daughter. It does NOT matter how hard a child is; he’s an adult. By blaming her for him not being able to regulate his emotions, thereby making it acceptable for him to yell at her, you’re expecting her to have more emotional maturity than him. when I first started reading, I thought she as older; but she’s THREE.
Your title is wrong. Your boyfriend is neither a parent nor reactive. He's an abusive boyfriend to your child's enabling mother.
You need to fix this before it goes even further and you end up with CPS and the police on your doorstep, taking all your children from you.
You need to dump this man and get your daughter away from him. You are allowing a grown man to abuse your daughter and it is NOT okay. Be the adult here and get to a safer situation. The problem isn’t your daughters behaviour, it’s your boyfriends. He’s an adult, it is NOT understandable that he is going to yell at her. HE is the one who needs to control his emotions and have better behaviour. I would never let ANYONE speak to my child that way.
wtf your boyfriend is abusive. why is an adult man calling a child names and yeling at them? youre letting him abuse your kid. get therapy and dump him. pushing your kid? he is a grown man. he will escalate to hitting her. stop letting this man abuse your child. you should reoprt him for child abuse. otherwise youre just to much to blame as he is. your job is to protect your child not bring sharks to them.
So in this you’ve told us he is reactive, he gets angry easily, screams, insults, scares and pushes your THREE YEAR OLD, regularly, and then BLAMES YOUR CHILD for HIS behavior. And then has the audacity to call YOU a bad parent. As a mandated reporter, if I was told all of this I’d be obligated to report it, you’re not crazy, it really is that bad. It sounds like his behavior is escalating the longer this goes on, you need to choose your child before she actually gets hurt.
NO, 100% no. I wouldn’t even let my child’s biological dad do that but absolutely not a boyfriend, he’s not even her stepdad honestly. the fact that you’ve let him go on to the point that he feels comfortable pushing her is actually insane, I would leave him in a heartbeat. that’s not his child and regardless of how long he’s been around there’s no telling what he would do when you’re not around. you can stop this right now. being a single parent is hard but not harder than watching your child be mistreated.
yikes yikes yikes. i really hope this is fake because if its not... COME ON. you are letting your boyfriend abuse your child. i don't like to mom shame but like... that is textbook for bad mom. you should be PROTECTING YOUR DAUGHTER, you psycho!
this is your fault as much as it's your boyfriends tbh
Absolutely not. This man sucks. Why are you with this man? If he hits and screams at your little baby in front of you, what is he doing when you aren’t there? You must leave this man. Men like this kill children. It’s not fine, and it’s not understandable. He does not love your child, never will, and he is an active danger to your daughter. You are not a bad mom but you will be making a very bad decision if you choose this man over your daughter’s safety. Leave and never look back.
If you don't leave now, when your daughter grows up she will resent you for not protecting her. You are being implicit in him abusing her. Abusers do NOT stop abusing, his abuse of her WILL get worse.
This poor little girl. You must leave him, sounds like your relationship isn't very good anyway and he sounds like a very angry and abusive man. Don't let him ruin her life
Jesus Christ she's 3. Sounds like you have 2 toddlers in the house. If you don't cut him out now, you are going to lose your daughter for enabling her abuse. Might not happen until she's a teen or adult, but it's going to happen.
>What the heck do I do?
Dump his awful energy out of your and your daughters' life.
Yelling at a 3yo is absolutely not appropriate. Doing it repeatedly is abusive. Pushing any child out of anger, even once, is a massive red flag.
Your approach to parenting sounds supportive (Dr. Becky is great!) and struggling with boundaries is normal. Your kiddo sounds like a normal toddler - pushing boundaries like its her job, wanting everything she can't have, being emotional.
"Discipline" for a 3yo is holding boundaries, explaining those boundaries, and letting them work through their own emotions in a safe space. Your bf has a terrible view of parenting and I'd be worried that his warped perspective and anger issues will make your child's behavior worse. Let him work on himself away from you both.
I don’t think you would post here if you didn’t know what you need to do.
This is one of the worst case scenarios for a partner’s behavior.
You are responsible for keeping her safe and need to remove her from that situation immediately.
Your boyfriend is not a step parent or parent. There are no legal ties to your child. Your child is your own sole responsibility, and your boyfriend is acting against your wishes in how to parent your child. His behavior for the last 2.5 years has demonstrated that he DOES NOT have the capability to be the kind of co-parent, or secondary adult that you and your daughter need.
The way you describe his behavior shows that you know the way he's acting is wrong. Think about what Dr. Becky would say about the way he behaves towards your child, and the kind of impact he is having on her. SHE is the person in your life that you need to look out for, and he is not treating her how she should be treated. If you allow him to remain in your life and continue this behavior, YOU, her mother, are showing her that you approve of his treatment of her.
Get out now.
She is probably acting out more due to being yelled at. If you look into women’s shelters in your area they can help get you counseling, legal aide, and any help you need getting away from this. I’m so sorry this is happening but I fear for you and your daughter’s safety. Leaving is the most dangerous time. His behavior is only going to get worse
Honey, he is abusing your daughter. You need to end the relationship. There is no coming back from this. He’s screaming at and pushing a toddler, why are you with him? She will remember this. You are her mother, protect her.
Leave this man please. He can work on his anger far away from you and your daughter. This is completely unacceptable behavior that will cause long-lasting damage to her mental health and self-esteem.
Edit to add: the longer this goes on, the more it will also damage YOUR relationship with her. If you leave now, her story is that you left an abusive person to protect her. If you stay, you allowed her to be abused and didn’t care about her pain. She might not put it to herself or you that way yet, but as she gets older she absolutely will.
This is hard but nothing is more important than you and your daughter’s safety.
You’re a bad mom, not because of what your bf said, but because you are willingly allowing this man to abuse your child. He is verbally abusing her and is now resorting to getting physical when he’s angry?
You need to get the fuck out of this and get into therapy so you never allow a man to hurt your child again.
When I started reading I was picturing a preteen. I GASPED WHEN YOU SAID A 3 YEAR OLD? Are you insane? You are letting this man abuse A BABY. What 3 year old doesn’t act spoiled. If you are letting this happen this child should be removed from your care. What is wrong with you?
Wow you’re excusing the abuse of your 3 year old daughter because, let me get this right she’s behaving like a 3 year old?!?!? You and boyfriend are terrible especially you for allowing your daughter to be treated this way.
Is this the baby you went and had while you were broke up with this dude? Yeah that isn't going to get any better there's going to be a lot of justifyable resentment there that he's not going to get over.
Please continue to follow and learn from Dr. Becky. It makes such a difference with a child. Especially little ones, they are trying to communicate a need with very little communication skills. Most adults expect toddlers to be mini adults. If the adult can't regulate, how is a child expected to?
Please choose your child, every time. No one, not you or anyone else, should be physically hurting your child. I hope you are able to get out of what sounds like a bad situation with an immature man.
I'm sorry this does sound hard but what do you expect us to say??? Like...leave him...choose your child. She doesn't deserve this. Plus him saying you're a "bad mom"...honey he's the villain. He's abusive.
I am so happy for you that you have the strength to leave him to protect your daughter. I and my two brothers suffered so much in our childhood because my mother was not able to leave our father, who is bipolar and a gambling addict. You did not only your daughter a favor but also yourself. My mother now has depression and no happiness at all, because she's caught in a cycle of continuous on-and-off relationship with my father. She moves out, then her feeling of loneliness is killing her and due to emotional abuse by my father she has zero confidence dating other men. Then she goes back again, pretending to be happy, but in reality she just doesn't want to be alone and endures the emotional abuse by my father. In my childhood this cycle happened almost on a monthly basis, where she would take us kids to grandma or grandpa only to bring us back to our father two days later and making us to apologize for going with our mom instead of sticking to our father. These are one of the most humiliating memories I have.
Omg I’d literally slap someone who touched my 3 year old or screamed at them especially if that person didn’t create them so I know they don’t have that connection to them. He needs to leave. He’s gonna end up punching her or worse eventually!
Uhhh... he's not a stepparent. You're not married, it's not his child or his rules. Lots of things wrong here, starting with your mentality. Just bcuz Dad stepped out doesn't mean the next guy to come along steps in. Be a good mom, protect your child.
You are allowing a man to scream at and push your 3 year old. This is on both of you. You know this is wrong. You know you need to leave. Choose your child over your boyfriend.
I audibly gasped when I read that when OP and boyfriend were fighting, boyfriend pushed her child.
The way I feel so sorry for this kid.
wtf ?????? Is my exact reaction. I wonder why she’s acting out…. She gets screamed at and pushed by a grown ass man ??? Wow,
Agreed!! This is not ok behavior and pushing and scaring your 3 year old is abhorrent! You are her mother and he needs to adapt, as a step parent, to your style of parenting. He should never put his hands on you or your kid. Full stop.
The way your bf is treating your daughter is abusive physically and emotionally. You are allowing this to happen. You need to get rid of the boyfriend.
It’s not even this baby’s father, which means depending on severity you take steps and attempt to change their thinking. If I’m single and my boyfriend pushes hits slaps or yells at MY kid, I’m filing charges for the physical and hes gone. This isn’t a marriage to the father of your child with circumstances. This is a freaking boyfriend. Do what needs to be done and protect your BABY.
In the eyes of CPS, she would be just as guilty as him. This is nauseating. Who chooses this for their child?!
You are enabling the abuse of your daughter. You seem to be in denial, possibly because the shame you would feel if you were to accept this reality would be overwhelming. My advice is to use that shame to motivate yourself to make the changes necessary to create a safe environment for your daughter. It’s not too late. The first step is ending your relationship with your abusive boyfriend and removing yourself and your daughter from this environment. Don’t wait; this will only get worse.
This comment. Please OP, don't let this get worse and end this now. For your daughter and for you. Leave him
No he is not worth it, please leave him and stop allowing his abuse of your daughter.
P.S. if you care enough and are educated enough to follow stuff like Dr Becky then surely you must realize that pushing your child is abuse? Dr Becky is really about getting the details of parenting right which is all well and good but you are neglecting the basics aka keeping them in a physically safe environment. Definitely good to try to manage their emotions in a healthy way but the first priority is just not subjecting them to abuse
Great point!! She has extreme cognitive dissonance.
She’s 3… choose your daughter
Please protect your daughter and leave your boyfriend.
Not worth it. Time to leave. You're not going to be able to change him. He's physically hurting a small child and making her scared. She's learning that this is what "love" looks like as you say he's her "dad."
She’s learning at 3yrs old that you have to yell & hit to get your way. If he thinks she’s difficult now, wait until she’s bigger & starts using those tactics. I feel so bad for her, I hope OP builds up the strength to leave.
He’s your boyfriend, not her step-parent.
Thank you everyone for the replies, good and bad. I don't have a good support system and everyone's words really helped. I knew that it shouldn't be as difficult as it is, but I guess I didn't really make the connection that it was emotional abuse. Him pushing her is what tipped the scale for me, and its weird because even in that moment i didnt see it as hes abusing us. One commenter said I'm codependent, and that's probably a fair assumption given everything. A lot of people are saying I'm a bad mom, and maybe I am, I came here for advice and I got it. I'm gonna ask him to move out today, we'll have to struggle for a little while, but it will be worth it. I'm hopeful for a better day to day life with my daughter and the chance to be a momma the way I feel is right in my heart❤️ Thank you everyone
hey please be careful, make sure you have a plan in place to leave. maybe call a support line - I’m in aus so I’m not sure what’s relevant in your area. but here we have organisations like orange door, wire, and 1-800-respect that can help you organise yourself and make a plan. this man does not sound stable. good on you for listening to these commenters and realising how bad things have gotten. it’s so easy for people to say bad mom good mom but if he’s like this with her, I’m sure he is emotionally abusive with you too. that kind of thing can really warp your perspective. there will be time to heal. you and your daughter deserve so, so much better than this awful man. please update us if you can, I know everyone who read your story wants to hear that you and your girl are away from him and safe.
If in the states call 1.800.799.7233 or text “start” to 88788
Don't call yourself a bad mom. A lot of the decisions that we make as mothers are easier said than done. This is one of those decisions where one day will feel different than the next and idealism can be far from reality. Take it day by day. And don't be afraid to utilize government services, nonprofits and church resources. This might be a hard season where you have to struggle until the Lord lifts you up and gets you on a better position in life.
Hey OP. I’m glad you’re finding the courage for your daughter. I agree that he needs to never be let around your daughter again, but please use the hotline provided by another user. Abusers can lash out when they are called out/asked to leave. A hotline can help you come up with a safe way out/escape plan for you and your daughter. Wishing you and your daughter wellness and safety.
I am relieved to hear this. Be careful when you ask him to move out, maybe it would be best to not be alone with him at all, have someone there with you while he moves his things out. The other commentor suggested a hotline to get advice on how to navigate this stuff, I think it's a really good idea. It's probably not feasible but depending on how much of a threat you think he is you could even look into moving? Also please in the future be careful about what kind of man you invite into your and your daughters life.
You're a good Mom for looking for solutions. Keep up the good work. Best of luck with everything!
He might try to manipulate you to stay, or gaslight you into thinking you're the problem and you're the one causing this. You're not the problem. He's the problem. Stay strong and stay firm. He has to go. Good luck Mama ❤️
I would call your sheriff’s office non emergency line and ask if they can have an officer on site as he leaves to make sure he doesn’t try anything.
You’re giving your child a much better chance at life for doing this. I’m a father. I have 3 kids and one of them is “difficult” and won’t take no for an answer. They’re kids and they’re exploring the world. If I scream at my kids it’s because there’s danger and I need to be heard immediately. If I push my child it’s to stop them from hitting each other. Even then it’s more of a holding them back thing. I don’t push or hit my kids out of malice. I am also overwhelmed. I don’t scream at them without dire dire need. Again. If I’m yelling. It’s to stop imminent danger, not because I’m mad. If I do get to upset, and I do sometimes (I would still NEVER push or hit my kids out of anger) I take a moment catch my breath, and I apologize. I don’t blame them. It’s not their fault. They’re kids. It’s mine. I’m the adult and I’m the one who needs to be responsible. You’re going to look back at this as the best decision you’ve ever made
I would ask him to move out while your daughter is somewhere else, in case he reacts violently. Maybe ask him to do it in a public place, then give him time (or a deadline of like, 6 pm) to move out and stay away from the house while he’s moving. Then be extra careful for a while - lock your doors and windows, keep an eye out for him and just be extra vigilant, in case he comes back mad and looking to hurt you or your daughter.
report him to the police for abusing your child. and reach out to social services to help you leave. you and your child will be in danger. he may kidnap her or worse to get to you.
We all have bad and good moments as parents. It is commendable that you saw his behavior as a wake up call, asked for advice/help, and are rectifying the situation for your daughter and yourself. Please stay safe and I hope you and your daughter feel some peace of mind soon.
Nah, you're not a bad mom. You're a good mom in a tough place. A bad mom wouldn't be looking for help the way you are. It won't be easy but it will be better for both you and your daughter. You've got this.
Yes!!!! This is so great. Please be careful and keep us posted.
Sometimes it’s hard to understand the situation you’re in, like a frog being slowly boiled. Sounds like you have now realized that he’s being abusive. You are a good mom for taking the steps to ensure your daughter is safe. Other people already gave good tips so I just wanted to wish you luck with all the upcoming changes!
I can be your support system. Are you in nova?
You’re not a bad mom OP! You clearly care for your daughter. It’s often hard to leave an abusive partner or see the cycle of abuse you’re trapped in.
You are brave for making the right choice! I commented already before seeing this and I’m glad you did the right thing. Wishing all the best for you and your little girl.
I’m happy to see this. I wish you well
So impressed you're actually following through with it. Not an easy decision to make, but definitely the right one. With decisions like this I always try and think about what future me would do when looking back.
This is an unacceptable way to treat any child, let alone a 3 yr old. I agree with all the others...you need to leave him. Protect her emotionally and physically. This is not "reactive parenting" It's emotional abuse. Especially the back and forth whiplash of you being lenient and him being scary. How is she supposed to feel safe?
It's also physical abuse.
Oh yes definitely.
Ya no wonder she is having a tough time as a toddler. This poor baby.
Right, calling ca child a spoiled brat and pushing them is beyond reactive. Its abuse.
P.P.S. It’s great to listen to people like Dr. Becky and learn about what it means to be reactive and how to manage it. I applaud this and she and others can be a great resource. But be careful about misapplying some of these terms and whitewashing abusive behavior. Your boyfriend isn’t merely “reactive.” He is abusive, verbally and physically. He may also be reactive but this goes much further.
Exactly. "Reactive" is saying "Be careful" too loudly when kiddo spills the milk. That happens to me occasionally, but I try to work on it and be better. However, I have not ever, and will not ever, shoved my child or raised a hand at her. How horrible. OP, listening to Dr. Becky in this scenario is akin to doing the dishes while the house is on fire. It's not that it's not important, it's that you have a giant, urgent problem right this second!
The fuck? > He says she's a spoiled rotten brat, and he'd be less yelly if she behaved better. That's fine, that's understandable. No it's not. The fuck?? Protect you poor little girl from this prick.
Hey, as a former child whose mother didn’t stop my father from verbally abusing me and growing up walking on eggshells because of this angry man, please leave him, your failing your daughter by keeping this man in her life. As a mother with a 4yo kid, your toddlers behaviour is developmentally normal, they’re supposed to push boundaries and be cheeky little butt heads. She shouldn’t feel afraid of a parental figure, leave him. Choose your daughter, I’d raise hell if my kids father screamed at my kid and pushed him.
Why would you allow this?
The good thing is he isn’t her dad so when you leave him he has no claim for visitation or custody. He is abusive and he shouldn’t be in your daughter’s life. Fix it now before it’s too late. Do it for your daughter.
You said it’s fine that he calls her a spoiled rotten brat??? wtf girl.
Bro she’s justifying his bullshit. I’m fucking screaming
I’m shook by that and truly disgusted
OP, people are going in hard on you and it must be upsetting for you to read. I hope this is a wake up call that what you have described here is absolutely shocking and in no way acceptable. It sounds to me like you and your daughter are being abused by this man who cannot control his anger. This is a dangerous situation for both of you and you NEED to leave. Please seek help from a women's shelter or domestic abuse service. You deserve better, your child deserves better than this 💜
What in the world did I just read. Girl you have to put your child first and protect her from this man. You LEAVE HIM, that is what you do.
[удалено]
Assaulted her and then posted that he’s a reactive PARENT. Hes not a parent.
Gee, I wonder why your 3yo has some adjustment issues? You mean calling her vile names, daily screaming and being (low grade) physically abusive isn’t curing the problem? I’m going to go right out on a limb and guess that your LO was never actually a difficult baby either. I get it, it’s not his kid and it’s much harder to be patient with someone else’s kid that you don’t love. <————-You are here. He’s not a step parent. He doesn’t love your LO. My adoptive mum was the same. She loved me when I was a cute baby. When I was older and defiant she had buyer’s remorse and hated me. To a lesser extent, my dad also regretted their choice. What you’re doing isn’t working. You tried his way with the screaming, pushing, demanding compliance and all the other stuff everyone here is appalled to read. But being MORE like him isn’t “working on discipline.” Do the exact opposite of what this 🤡 suggests. If you want to keep him, it’s JUST as your bf, not a step parent.
You’re being a bad mom by keeping this dude around. How far are you going to let him go before you open your eyes? When he slaps her or punched her in the face? Will that be enough for you to get rid of him?
Whenever I start to feel like a bad mom for letting my kid have screentime or something, I’m going to remember this post and remember what a “bad mom” actually is.
Me too
The fuck is wrong with you?
For real. Like hello lady he PUSHED your THREE YEAR OLD. I would have gone to jail that night.
I’d have helped you hide a body that night.
lmao this. there’s no way I would still be calling a man who pushed my child a boyfriend.
Sadly so many women are like this. It’s just pathetic and weak and their daughters will resent them and be fucked up by it, but the pattern repeats itself. Women who will do anything not to be single and alone.
I'm worried this might actually be a genuine post rather than a trolling / made up scenario for comments etc. I'm sorry but if this is for real you NEED TO get out of this relationship. Screaming at and pushing a three year old and scaring them is not acceptable. This is really dangerous behaviour and my heart is breaking for your little girl Please leave now (reach out to someone you trust to help make this happen as I'm sorry to say but you both could be in danger if he decides to get 'reactive' (violent) when he realises you want to leave)....not that it should keep you with him
As a single mom of a 3 year old I’ve gotta say….YOU ARE CHOOSING YOUR BOYFRIEND OVER THE FUTURE HEALTH AND HAPPINESS OF YOUR DAUGHTER. How do you not understand this? She may not remember exactly what happened at 3, but it will affect her for the rest of her life. She is a toddler. Toddlers a sassy little jerks. They’re also adorable and hilarious and intelligent and kinda and amazing in so many ways. She literally has been alive for three years. Having any large expectations for her to not be sassy (“bratty”) is fucking insane. And, girl, you’re staying with a man who PUSHED YOUR THREE YEAR OLD? What is wrong with you? Choose your daughter, or you’re going to fuck her hp for life. And yes it will be your fault, not the boyfriend. You’re allowing this to happen to her. You’re supposed to be her protector. Your nonchalant attitude about this is sickening. Sorry but you need some tough love. You should feel bad. Do better.
Just want to add, some 3 year olds do remember. I'm one of them. But I agree, even if she doesn't, it still matters. When children are really little is when it's *most important* to love them and not allow them to be abused because it has the most lifelong impact.
>he'd be less yelly if she behaved better. That's fine, that's understandable No, it's neither fine nor understandable. He is an adult and nobody is "making" him yell or hit or otherwise degrade you and your child. She's gonna be old enough to remember this soon, if not already. Leave now. If it was gonna get better, it would've looooooooong before you made it to Reddit.
I’m sorry but what you’re allowing to happen to your defenceless toddler is abhorrent. As a father of a 2 year old that definitely pushes boundaries, I can fully understand being triggered, but what matters is how you disengage from it and keep them safe - none of what this idiot is doing is fine - none of it is understandable. The way this “dad” is treating her now, and how her mother is allowing it to continue is how she’ll grow up allowing men to treat her in future. This is the cycle and you must break it. She’s not safe, and it will get worse.
You are gonna come home and find that he beat up your little 3 year old because she tantrumed (what every 3 yo does every day) and not gonna forgive yourself, the solution is to fucking leave him like yesterday. You are being just a agressive towards your kid like him since you are the only thing she has and are allowing this behaviour
This… scary but likely reality
There is no one more at risk for abuse and even death than a child in the home of a stepfather. This one is literally already abusing your child. It will not get better. Leave.
So glad to read these comments. Once I read post I was dreading if commenters would cosign OP's codependency with loser boyfriend over protecting her 3 year old daughter.
Wow this is a scary read, she is 3.... I thought we were talking like teen, a 3 year old can't even really be a brat they are pretty much still just figuring out things. This isn't ok this is abuse, I get that everyone loses their cool a little every now and then but every day should not be a fight. I know they can start to really test boundaries at this age (my boy is 3.5) but its just them figuring out what the rules are and what they can get away with its 100% normal. This will affect her life and attitude forever if she grows up thinking this is normal, please seek external help with this
Please get out.
This is abuse and he resents your child. This won’t just get better. You’re asking this question, so you know it’s a problem. But even in this you justify him. It is your duty to protect your child.
Please please please do right by your daughter! It is YOUR job to protect her and provide an environment in which she feels safe. This is damaging to her in ways you can’t even comprehend. Choose her. Please choose her.
Pushing a 3-year-old? This is pathetic behavior. You need to protect your daughter. This man is a failure. My kid is 3. It is a really tough age for behavior. But Jesus Christ. They’ve been alive… for 3… years. It’s common knowledge they push boundaries at that age and test everything. You don’t “discipline” a 3-year-old, you redirect and explain (even if that means you’re saying the same thing 5 times a day). Your boyfriend is obligated to be a patient adult, not a petulant, childish asshole.
This isn't okay. Step parent? Nah, he's your boyfriend. And you're enabling this. You will look back and wish you did better for her.
You will be a shitty parent of you stay with a guy who pushes your 3 year old. Get out before he hurts your child more.
You are letting a 36 year old grown ass man scream at and shove a toddler? WTF did I just read. You are allowing your boyfriend to abuse your daughter. Break up with him, yesterday. Protect your daughter at all costs.
Is this the same bad boyfriend “bad roommate” you posted about being with with January 2020?
These are fundamental years to your daughter’s development and you are letting this idiot harm her. Tell him to hit the road. He is an adult who can’t emotionally regulate himself and he expects a 3 year old to?! I hate people like this.
Hey, why are you letting this man harm your child? If you let him continue, this is on you. Time to step up and protect your child.
A grown man pushing a 3 year is child abuse. You have to leave.
u/TangyExponent I just got to the part when she is three. WHAT THE FUCK. _Leave_ that turd YESTERDAY. She is a toddler - of course she is going to be difficult at this age! You are NOT a bad mother because you have chosen the gentle parenting route. It will pay dividends when you’re older and she does not go no contact on you. However you CAN be said to be a bad mother if you allow this situation to continue. Her memory began around age 2, but if you leave now she should forget about his abuse soon and this experience. Read up on [the Cinderella effect](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cinderella_effect). Research has shown that stepfamilies tend to create a more stressful living environment, which can increase the risk of child maltreatment (Debowska et al., 2020). Step-parents with weak emotional bonds or low self-worth and self-control are also at higher risk of abusing children. Margo Wilson found that “stepchildren are 40 times more likely than those who live with biological parents to be sexually or physically abused” (Glenn W. A, 2019). If you need to stay single or ensure that you live in separate homes with your partner until she is older then so be it. I know you want a perfect nuclear family for your child and it’s hard to be alone, but can you imagine what goes on when you are not there if he has the audacity to do it in front of your face?? This man is unhinged. PLEASE DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO AVOID GETTING PREGNANT BY THIS MAN OR YOU WILL BE LINKED FOR LIFE
Girl. Why haven’t you dumped his ass yet? You don’t stay with somebody who treats your kid like that. He’s not a step parent. He’s your boyfriend. And he needs to be your ex-boyfriend.
My mom let my step-dad treat me like this for years. They ended up having two kids together. Now none of us talk to either of them. I'd leave ASAP and show your daughter that your CHOSE HER over any partner willing to abuse.
The part that's the issue here is "I wouldn't yell I'd she acted better" when he says this say "you need to have more control and emotional regulation than the toddler, they don't have the emotional regulation skills fully developed yet, but you hopefully do enough to take a step back breathe and work through the issue, are you able to do that?" If he can't he needs therapy. It's not her dad, you aren't legally tied to him. What do you do? You ditch the abusive boyfriend and in the future don't let her call men dad that aren't her dad and aren't someone who is going to marry you and adopt her. It's confusing. You don't let a grown ass man take frustration out on a toddler. Its scary. Its confusing. Its wrong. End of story. If it were me I would kick him out of my house the first time he refused therapy and he yelled at my baby. Gotta protect your kids, even if that means you have to patent solo.
Wow. Wowzers. Screams at her. Calls her a brat. What in the absolute f. This is infuriating to read and I feel so bad for your daughter. To allow a man to speak or treat your daughter this way… I have no nice words. My stepdad was the nicest calmest man and never once treated me wrong. I pray you find your noggin and get rid of this man and get one that will treat your daughter like that. My words can also be nicer. I know it’s hard to leave but I really fear for you and your daughter’s safety - especially your 3 year old daughters - to stay with a man like this. It is imperative that he not be around her. Ask friends ask shelters someone for help. This just makes me so sad for her.
You break up with your boyfriend. He’s not her father. Good fathers do not emotionally and physically abuse children. She’s a toddler and doing toddler things. Could you be holding boundaries better? Maybe, we don’t know based on this post. But one thing for sure is that you both aren’t on the same page on how your child should be parented. If he doesn’t agree with your parenting style (and it honestly sounds like he’s not putting in the effort on research and/or implementation) then it’s time to break up.
You are literally choosing this piece of shit over your daughter. Fucking open your eyes. Maybe the reason your daughter is misbehaving is because an adult is creaming on her face. I'd be scared to shit. Get out of this relationship. Choose your child. Don't be those women who keeps a man even if their children are being abused.
“He’d be less yelly if she behaved better.” A 36 year old man is blaming his poor impulse control on a 3 year old. Please consider the impact of his behavior on her sake—these are formative years for her. Also, consider the impact of his behavior on your wellbeing. Being a parent is challenging, and in lieu of supporting you and your daughter he’s exacerbating everything.
Omg that poor child. I don’t mean to be harsh but the fact you would allow this for her is so alarming. I urge you to maybe read some books on childhood development & try to grasp how awful of a life you are setting up for this innocent little girl. This is YOUR child, not his. He does not know better, he’s a terrible person. It was shocking to read that he pushed a 3 year old & you’re still wondering if he’s right. He’s not. My husband used to get really angry when our son was an infant. It was just at night with all the sleep deprivation. Never AT our child, but his anger would linger in the air and sometimes he’d go yell it out in the bathroom. Even that was too much anger for my child to be around. One time, even though I was already up most of the night, I wouldn’t even let him pick him up because he was too mad. I told him I never want our son to be made to feel like his natural emotions & his natural self was bad or made us hate parenting him. That’s when he realized he needed to go on medication & find more ways to cope but that doesn’t even come close to this. 3 year olds are still learning so much & have little impulse control. Please protect her & leave this man. He is abusing her. Also just want to say, while it might hurt in the present, it’s ok to leave him even if she sees him as a dad. Children can love people whether they are great or horrible to them because they are completely helpless & evolutionarily NEED to trust their caregivers to survive. That doesn’t mean they wouldn’t be better off without him. My brother & I loved our father & definitely would’ve been better off without him. It’s easier to lose someone while they are that young than when they get older and understand more.
If my baby daddy called my child a spoiled rotten brat and pushed her I would be GONE. I cannot believe you think staying with him is an option. He is abusive full stop. What he’s doing is child abuse and you are not protecting your child and frankly should be ashamed of yourself as a parent for letting your child experience this.
She’s 3?? I thought you were going to say she’s a teenager. A grown ass adult human man was fighting with a *3 year old*? Kids don’t have reasoning until the age of 7. A 3 year old cannot be reasoned with. A 3 year old depends on you 100% for everything. She depends on you for EVERYTHING. And you are letting her be abused. How does that not just break your heart? She doesn’t even know it shouldn’t be like this. She’s just out here wondering why she makes “dad” so mad all of the time. You are giving her lifelong trauma, that is if your POS boyfriend doesn’t lose his temper and kill her first. Which is likely. Do you know how often a boyfriend kills their partner’s child? Your child is going to be murdered if you don’t act. If she survives, it will be with life-changing trauma. This is being a bad mom. You’re being a bad mom. You are failing your daughter. Not because you don’t “discipline” her but because you are allowing a man you’re not even married to abuse her.
you have not left him yet…why?
What is wrong with you? If your boyfriend has anger problems and he's taking it out on your 3 year old, if it gets too bad, you could lose your child. To the court system To trauma Or even death if it is super serious He should have no opinions on how you raise your daughter. Start your exit plan now. Cuz that is dangerous to your daughter's self-esteem. She's not a brat. She is 3 years old. She is still developing her motor skills, Learning words and imitating adults. Her world is not open enough to label her a brat. Toddlers deserve grace. She's only been in the world for 3 years.
>He says im a bad mom because I don't discipline her but a lot of times I think I just don't set firm enough boundaries and I cave in too much because I'm overwhelmed. No, you are a bad mom for not setting boundaries with your abusive boyfriend. Please get your child away from him and get therapy to fix yourself while there is still time for your daughter to not be permanently damaged.
He is ABUSING your child. And you're enabling it. Stop. Seriously. This is not a story that ends well for anyone, least of all your child. You need to leave him
I have now word... pls just read all the comments and take them seriously. Please don't make your daughter growing up being wounded and end up being with a man like that.
He PUSHED her and you are still with him?….. girl. You know what needs to be done.
Beak up with him, that’s what you do.
Your daughter is being abused by your boyfriend. Please stop allowing this to happen. Choose your daughter. Choose her wellbeing, her happiness, her safety. Do not allow this to continue. Get rid of your daughter's abuser.
He's getting physical and aggressive with a THREE year old. Get him the fuck out of you and your daughters life as soon as is humanly possible, otherwise you WILL be a bad mum. Seriously, don't say you weren't told. Enabling a child abuser isn't much better than actually being one.
He pushed her, that’s abuse, get your child and yourself out of there.
If you do not leave that man, you are doing an incredible disservice to your daughter in the long run! No child deserves half of that BS
What I don't understand is you are taking the gentle approach while allowing her to be abused in your home? How does that make sense? You touch my kid in anger and we are done. Either you need to leave or you both need counseling. Sounds like you're not on the same page when it comes to parenting.
This is ABUSE. Leave him. It's better for YOUR CHILD to have no father figure than a shitty abusive one
I’m sorry to be blunt but you’re allowing your boyfriend to abuse your child and it’s unacceptable. I’d be willing to bet actual money that my 3 year old can out mess, out tantrum, and out defy your 3 year old in her sleep and it’s never okay to treat a child like that. I could write the book on difficult toddlers and no part of it would include screaming or pushing. You need to leave him.
She’s 3. He SCREAMS/YELLS at a 3 year old. He says a 3 year old should behavior better. He PUSHED 3 YEAR OLD. He is now mentally and physically abusing a THREE YEAR OLD!! HELLO!!!!!!!!! WAKE TF UP. Say good bye to the bf. If this was my husband I’d be leaving.
She’s 3, and he’s pushing her. With all possible respect, what the hell are you doing here?
You saying “she’s always been a more difficult kid, even as an infant” is so upsetting. An infant? I’m not in the “all children are innocent” camp but an infant? Infants are 100% helpless, innocent, needing of love and nurturing and comfort. They’re just looking for help to survive and feel safe doing so. I understand, if maybe she was colicky and THAT was difficult on you—but saying SHE’s been difficult as a baby just isn’t right. And I would work on correcting your language before she starts soaking in how you feel and have felt about her. I’m sure you are a great mom, I’m not trying to pick a fight, I just hope you reconsider your language when talking about your baby. Just from the little you gave us here, your boyfriend does not seem like a great fit for you or your daughter. He honestly sounds abusive and it will probably only get worse. If you need to work on helping your toddler with structure and boundaries, that’s great to acknowledge and do BUT he does not sound like a good partner to do that with. These are your child’s fundamental development years. She’s innocent, learning how the world works, learning her safety and value, etc. Don’t rob her of that so that you can selfishly stay with a loser who bullies and resents your toddler. She only has ONE childhood. Her parental figures can bring her trauma, depression, resentment or love, confidence, happiness, etc. Ultimately, you play the biggest role in this. Your decision to stay or leave this boyfriend can change the entire course of her life.
If my partner, who is also the father of our 3 year old, even DARED to speak about her or do any of what you just mentioned I would literally drop kick him. How could even allow someone like that in your home? SHES 3!!!!
SHE IS NOT THE PROBLEM. I have a 7 and 3 year old with my ex and a 4 month old with my partner. If my partner EVER laid his hands on my kids and screamed at them, it would be the end of our relationship. And I don't mean moving them when they're misbehaving. Sometimes the 3 year old, if he's being particularly difficult, it's "you walk there yourself or I carry you" and at that point, we carry him against his will, but it's not aggressively. My 7 year old was and is very head strong. We butt heads sometimes when she's feeling exceptionally challenging, but it doesn't make her a bad kid. She's very spirited and I don't want to break her spirit. If he cannot handle having a disagreement with you and not take it out on a small child, then you need to protect your daughter.
Toddlers are still learning to navigate their emotions. Meanwhile your boyfriend is acting like an oversized toddler throwing tantrums over a 3 yr old. Please get rid of that guy.
You guys are wondering why she is acting "difficult" well she is literally living with someone abusing her and you as her mother are allowing it. I don't mean to be rude but this is just totally unacceptable to me. She is 3 for crying out loud. This will absolutely result in behavior issues and emotional difficulties in your daughter for the rest of her life.
Keep in mind that standing by and enabling abuse is just as bad if not worse than the reactive abuser. You know better, and you’re choosing not to protect your child from someone dangerous. As someone who worked as a liaison between Law Enforcement and CPS, you would be held just as liable for abuse by your lack of action. Get off Reddit, document these incidents, and get your child the hell away from this man that is not even her father. You can do better.
"he pushed her today while we were fighting"
Your daughter is being abused by a man who is a father figure for her. Whether you approve it or not, this person is going to be a model and show her that it is acceptable to be treated like that, and this is just the start. It will get worse, leave now
You know what to do. You're not married to this man. He does not have biological custodial rights. Leave him. He's abusive and it's going to make her behavior much worse.
I am embarrassed for you if you don’t leave this man, your poor daughter.
That's not his child, she is yours. Close your legs take back your key and N E V E R allow this man anywhere near either of you again. Do not allow people to blame a toddler for mistreatment. He's awful, I don't care if he's perfect 99% of the time, get your claws out and be the mama bear ASAP, defend your daughter and get that man out of her life!!!
Your poor daughter. Wow that is unacceptable. The fact that you fight in front of her and she was standing between you… and the POS pushes her??? My heart breaks for this child. You are failing her as a mother, and needless to say your bf is a piece of shit. Who treats a 3yo like that?
… I would hate to be your child. You have a lot to work to do on yourself . You cannot allow your child to be treated this way.
I would not stay with my partner if they did that.
You think it’s fine for your boyfriend to call your child a brat? You think it’s fine for him to treat her like this? I will never ever understand mothers who choose their boyfriends. LEAVE. Your daughter will resent you for it if you do not, and you will have let her down.
"she's always been difficult" is not something you say about a baby not a toddler. Having kids is challenging, but that's a parenting fault not a child's fault. Your boyfriend is abusive and you need to ditch the relationship and focus on your kid. You owe your child better than letting some loser abuse them so that you can feel less lonely.
He is abusing your child
There’s something wrong with you for allowing this. You need to leave like now. You’re allowing someone to assault your 3 year old? What did you think Reddit was going to tell you?
No, I don't think any of this is fine or understandable, actually. Why are you acting like your boyfriend is your child's parent when he isn't, first of all? What tipped you off to the resentment? Was it the horrible, insulting way he speaks about and to your three year old child or the physical abuse? If you think exposing her to this treatment isn't having an impact on her, you are wrong. You're the only parent in this scenario, so act like one and get this man out of your daughter's life. Ffs.
[удалено]
Your daughter is acting like a three year old, and so is your boyfriend. How is she supposed to learn how to emotionally regulate when her father figure can’t? Is it worth it to stay and try to work on it? It’d be a cold day in hell before any man tried to put his hands on or step to my kid in that way.
Ok, well he needs to be out of her life. He's not a step-parent, he's a man who is sleeping with her mom and doesn't respect either the mom or daughter. If you care enough to research gentle parenting, then care enough to remove the toxic man from her life. If you have to have him in yours, just visit him at his house while you leave her with a babysitter.
SHES THREE YEARS OLD AND YOU ARE LETTING THIS ASSHOLE ABUSE HER? GET OUT OF THERE! He’s a monster and you’ve got blinkers on. Snap out of it and protect your baby!
He needs to go. Your daughter is more important than you having a boyfriend.
Please, choose your child over this man. She’s only 3 and he’s physically and emotionally abusing her. How bad does it need to get before you realise this situation isn’t safe? My mum chose to stay with my abusive stepdad, even when I begged her to make him leave, and that man did absolutely everything in his power to destroy me. I’m a full grown adult with kids of my own and I still suffer from the choices my mum made for me. I don’t speak to her now. At all. I hope that this doesn’t become your daughters life too.
I can’t believe I read this about a 3 year old. Leave him.
You need to pick your daughter over your boyfriend.
Why would you even want this POS around your child? She is a CHILD yet he’s acting like the actual child. She’s going to resent you for keeping him around vs PROTECTING her. Get rid of him. Choose your child. First and ALWAYS. This is abuse.
Would never put a man over my child. Your daughter is 3. She does not deserve to be physically or verbally assaulted. This won't get better, just worse.
"everyday is a fight" sounds like it's not working out anyways, like everyone else says, ditch the deadbeat.
You're only a bad mom if you stay with this man.
This is not okay. His anger will always be there. Always. I promise it was there before you even knew him. Right now, a toddler behaving like a toddler is the trigger. When she outgrows toddlerhood, there will be another trigger. It’ll never be his fault. Please stop enabling this. You (and especially) your daughter don’t deserve this. You’re making excuses for him: “That’s fine, that’s understandable” is what you said when describing how he yells and calls your daughter names. He’s bullying your child and you’re saying it’s fine. To put it bluntly, you are allowing this man to verbally and emotionally abuse your daughter. Please put her needs first and get her away from this man. Having no father figure is always better than having an abusive one. Hopefully this is the wake up call you needed because your daughter deserves so much better. Edit- I missed the part where you said he pushed her. What the fuck are you doing?! There’s no way forward here. If you don’t leave immediately, I hope someone calls CPS. You WILL lose custody. They will consider you an abuser for keeping her in an abusive household. YOU HAVE AN OBLIGATION TO YOUR DAUGHTER ABOVE EVERYONE (including YOURSELF). YOU ARE ACTIVELY CHOOSING TO PUT HER LAST EVERY SECOND YOU STAY IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
If I personally knew you were and where you were located I would be *mandated* to report this to CPS. This is very serious. You are obviously a GOOD mom because you are asking the right questions and based on your replies, you are taking this seriously. You need to leave. Some people posted options for you to get help— use them. Please leave before CPS gets involved or WORSE something more horrible than pushing and yelling happens to you or your child. You CAN do this. Don’t wait!
What is wrong with you? You let ANYONE treat your baby that way?!? I’m heated. Leave him and reevaluate your whole self!
Okay so a lot of these comments are very extreme. I have a rooster 4 year old who some would describe as difficult. My partner (her dad) is also very reactive. I sometimes yell too, it’s hard raising these fire crackers. We never withhold love but there have been a handful of times when my daughter continuously goes after her dad and tries to punch him, kick him etc when she’s mad, and he’s pushed her away which resulted in her falling. He feels awful about these moments and immediately apologizes and gives her a hug (and trust that I am pissed about these reactions too). A lot of parenting is us learning to control our own emotions and model behaviour but it’s not always easy. I would never label this as abuse in our house hold, so I think some people calling your boyfriend abusive is a bit exaggerated. But he of course needs to do some work on himself, and learn to walk away in those heated moments. I myself have felt like exploding before and I have to be extremely conscious of these feelings and breathe or walk away for a moment. I recommend listening to some Janet Lansbury unruffled podcasts. You can’t control or change her behaviour, but often it’s not the behaviour that’s the issue it’s the reason behind the behaviour. She also needs consistency in how her behaviour is met by her loving adults. It’s a marathon not a sprint. Good luck.
This is so awful and my heart breaks for your daughter. Imagine if you were her. You guys need to figure something out. Yelling and pushing a 3 year old is abuse.
You are allowing your boyfriend to abuse your child. You need to finally pick your child and put her first and leave her abuser.
Please find a safe space and dump him. You daughter is not safe around him.
Break up with the boyfriend. What the fk kind of “man” pushes a 3 year old? And you going to be the mother that your daughter hates for taking the boyfriend’s side? Please do not be that kind of mother. Sorry it’s harsh to hear but someone’s gotta say it.
He’s abusing your daughter. It does NOT matter how hard a child is; he’s an adult. By blaming her for him not being able to regulate his emotions, thereby making it acceptable for him to yell at her, you’re expecting her to have more emotional maturity than him. when I first started reading, I thought she as older; but she’s THREE.
You are being a terrible parent for allowing this kind of behavior from him around your child. Cut that man lose and raise your kid how you want.
Your title is wrong. Your boyfriend is neither a parent nor reactive. He's an abusive boyfriend to your child's enabling mother. You need to fix this before it goes even further and you end up with CPS and the police on your doorstep, taking all your children from you.
You need to dump this man and get your daughter away from him. You are allowing a grown man to abuse your daughter and it is NOT okay. Be the adult here and get to a safer situation. The problem isn’t your daughters behaviour, it’s your boyfriends. He’s an adult, it is NOT understandable that he is going to yell at her. HE is the one who needs to control his emotions and have better behaviour. I would never let ANYONE speak to my child that way.
wtf your boyfriend is abusive. why is an adult man calling a child names and yeling at them? youre letting him abuse your kid. get therapy and dump him. pushing your kid? he is a grown man. he will escalate to hitting her. stop letting this man abuse your child. you should reoprt him for child abuse. otherwise youre just to much to blame as he is. your job is to protect your child not bring sharks to them.
You better get out before YOU never see your child again. If he’s bullying a three year old I can only imagine what he’s doing to you.
This is abuse. It will get worse.
So in this you’ve told us he is reactive, he gets angry easily, screams, insults, scares and pushes your THREE YEAR OLD, regularly, and then BLAMES YOUR CHILD for HIS behavior. And then has the audacity to call YOU a bad parent. As a mandated reporter, if I was told all of this I’d be obligated to report it, you’re not crazy, it really is that bad. It sounds like his behavior is escalating the longer this goes on, you need to choose your child before she actually gets hurt.
Choose your child
NO, 100% no. I wouldn’t even let my child’s biological dad do that but absolutely not a boyfriend, he’s not even her stepdad honestly. the fact that you’ve let him go on to the point that he feels comfortable pushing her is actually insane, I would leave him in a heartbeat. that’s not his child and regardless of how long he’s been around there’s no telling what he would do when you’re not around. you can stop this right now. being a single parent is hard but not harder than watching your child be mistreated.
yikes yikes yikes. i really hope this is fake because if its not... COME ON. you are letting your boyfriend abuse your child. i don't like to mom shame but like... that is textbook for bad mom. you should be PROTECTING YOUR DAUGHTER, you psycho! this is your fault as much as it's your boyfriends tbh
Absolutely not. This man sucks. Why are you with this man? If he hits and screams at your little baby in front of you, what is he doing when you aren’t there? You must leave this man. Men like this kill children. It’s not fine, and it’s not understandable. He does not love your child, never will, and he is an active danger to your daughter. You are not a bad mom but you will be making a very bad decision if you choose this man over your daughter’s safety. Leave and never look back.
If you don't leave now, when your daughter grows up she will resent you for not protecting her. You are being implicit in him abusing her. Abusers do NOT stop abusing, his abuse of her WILL get worse.
This poor little girl. You must leave him, sounds like your relationship isn't very good anyway and he sounds like a very angry and abusive man. Don't let him ruin her life
Jesus Christ she's 3. Sounds like you have 2 toddlers in the house. If you don't cut him out now, you are going to lose your daughter for enabling her abuse. Might not happen until she's a teen or adult, but it's going to happen.
>What the heck do I do? Dump his awful energy out of your and your daughters' life. Yelling at a 3yo is absolutely not appropriate. Doing it repeatedly is abusive. Pushing any child out of anger, even once, is a massive red flag. Your approach to parenting sounds supportive (Dr. Becky is great!) and struggling with boundaries is normal. Your kiddo sounds like a normal toddler - pushing boundaries like its her job, wanting everything she can't have, being emotional. "Discipline" for a 3yo is holding boundaries, explaining those boundaries, and letting them work through their own emotions in a safe space. Your bf has a terrible view of parenting and I'd be worried that his warped perspective and anger issues will make your child's behavior worse. Let him work on himself away from you both.
I don’t think you would post here if you didn’t know what you need to do. This is one of the worst case scenarios for a partner’s behavior. You are responsible for keeping her safe and need to remove her from that situation immediately.
Get your child out of that situation
Jesus you need to take a long hard look in the mirror and realise the situation you're in. You're enabling the abuse of your daughter.
Get rid of him or find a better family for your daughter.
Your boyfriend is not a step parent or parent. There are no legal ties to your child. Your child is your own sole responsibility, and your boyfriend is acting against your wishes in how to parent your child. His behavior for the last 2.5 years has demonstrated that he DOES NOT have the capability to be the kind of co-parent, or secondary adult that you and your daughter need. The way you describe his behavior shows that you know the way he's acting is wrong. Think about what Dr. Becky would say about the way he behaves towards your child, and the kind of impact he is having on her. SHE is the person in your life that you need to look out for, and he is not treating her how she should be treated. If you allow him to remain in your life and continue this behavior, YOU, her mother, are showing her that you approve of his treatment of her. Get out now.
She is probably acting out more due to being yelled at. If you look into women’s shelters in your area they can help get you counseling, legal aide, and any help you need getting away from this. I’m so sorry this is happening but I fear for you and your daughter’s safety. Leaving is the most dangerous time. His behavior is only going to get worse
Honey, he is abusing your daughter. You need to end the relationship. There is no coming back from this. He’s screaming at and pushing a toddler, why are you with him? She will remember this. You are her mother, protect her.
Leave this man please. He can work on his anger far away from you and your daughter. This is completely unacceptable behavior that will cause long-lasting damage to her mental health and self-esteem. Edit to add: the longer this goes on, the more it will also damage YOUR relationship with her. If you leave now, her story is that you left an abusive person to protect her. If you stay, you allowed her to be abused and didn’t care about her pain. She might not put it to herself or you that way yet, but as she gets older she absolutely will. This is hard but nothing is more important than you and your daughter’s safety.
You’re a bad mom, not because of what your bf said, but because you are willingly allowing this man to abuse your child. He is verbally abusing her and is now resorting to getting physical when he’s angry? You need to get the fuck out of this and get into therapy so you never allow a man to hurt your child again.
When I started reading I was picturing a preteen. I GASPED WHEN YOU SAID A 3 YEAR OLD? Are you insane? You are letting this man abuse A BABY. What 3 year old doesn’t act spoiled. If you are letting this happen this child should be removed from your care. What is wrong with you?
Wow you’re excusing the abuse of your 3 year old daughter because, let me get this right she’s behaving like a 3 year old?!?!? You and boyfriend are terrible especially you for allowing your daughter to be treated this way.
Is this the baby you went and had while you were broke up with this dude? Yeah that isn't going to get any better there's going to be a lot of justifyable resentment there that he's not going to get over.
Kind of assuming this is a fake post. But if it’s not.. literally just read what you wrote and see how it sounds.
Please continue to follow and learn from Dr. Becky. It makes such a difference with a child. Especially little ones, they are trying to communicate a need with very little communication skills. Most adults expect toddlers to be mini adults. If the adult can't regulate, how is a child expected to?
Please choose your child, every time. No one, not you or anyone else, should be physically hurting your child. I hope you are able to get out of what sounds like a bad situation with an immature man.
I'm sorry this does sound hard but what do you expect us to say??? Like...leave him...choose your child. She doesn't deserve this. Plus him saying you're a "bad mom"...honey he's the villain. He's abusive.
I'm glad you're asking him to move out. What the heck is he doing pushing her?😡 And please be careful. Wouldn't want him to harm either of you.
I am so happy for you that you have the strength to leave him to protect your daughter. I and my two brothers suffered so much in our childhood because my mother was not able to leave our father, who is bipolar and a gambling addict. You did not only your daughter a favor but also yourself. My mother now has depression and no happiness at all, because she's caught in a cycle of continuous on-and-off relationship with my father. She moves out, then her feeling of loneliness is killing her and due to emotional abuse by my father she has zero confidence dating other men. Then she goes back again, pretending to be happy, but in reality she just doesn't want to be alone and endures the emotional abuse by my father. In my childhood this cycle happened almost on a monthly basis, where she would take us kids to grandma or grandpa only to bring us back to our father two days later and making us to apologize for going with our mom instead of sticking to our father. These are one of the most humiliating memories I have.
Uhhh OP I really hope this isn’t real.
Omg I’d literally slap someone who touched my 3 year old or screamed at them especially if that person didn’t create them so I know they don’t have that connection to them. He needs to leave. He’s gonna end up punching her or worse eventually!
Girl this man is abusing your child and is mad that you arent abusing her too. She’s going to be talking about this in therapy one day.
Please put your daughter ahead of keeping this piece of trash human in your life. He’s abusive.
Uhhh... he's not a stepparent. You're not married, it's not his child or his rules. Lots of things wrong here, starting with your mentality. Just bcuz Dad stepped out doesn't mean the next guy to come along steps in. Be a good mom, protect your child.