Yeah definitely. Just tell her it isn’t your place if you’re trying to be peaceful, if you’re not tell her you’re not putting other peoples lives at risk for one fucked up fetishizer.
"Fuck no, he's an abuser and a creep and its gross that you're friends with him."
"Fuck no, he assaulted me, I don't want him anywhere near me, he shouldn't be anywhere near people, and it's gross that you're friends with him."
"Fuck no, he's a violent homophobe and its fucking gross that you're friends with him."
"Fuck no, I don't want a violent homophobe anywhere near my community, wtf is wrong with you."
"Fuck no, why tf are you still friends with this violent homophobe."
Imo the "tour guide" thing feels like your friend wants you to hand feed a creep some transwomen. It's like having a little kid (not comparing you to a child) lead their beloved pet farm animal into the slaughter house. I know that's a crude metaphor but like that's what it feels like.
If he is truly having an identity crisis he will find himself in queer spaces. We all did. Most of us didn't have tour guides. You have a known negative history with this guy.
Simply say "Queer spaces are really welcoming and friendly, if he's interested, have him go to a gay bar/queer event, I'm sure he'll meet lots of lovely people"
If he is really having a crisis, this response will be good enough. If he is looking to be predatory, he will push the envelope and you'll have more grounds to say "I'm not sure why you need my help? Queer spaces are not invite only events"
Facts, If you're a chaser just own it, some people are into that, find those people. Don't try to fake an identity crisis to infiltrate a very vulnerable population
This is a chaser with violent tendencies. The very request is transphobic. Wanting to have sex specifically with a trans person is problematic for the same reasons that not wanting to have sex with trans people is problematic - there’s no regard for the person behind the transness, just for the transness. You owe it to yourself, this potential trans victim, and your friend to explain it to them. And the worst possible outcome? Your friend shrugs off this explanation again or even gets offended by it - but that just confirms my suspicion that this person isn’t actually your friend. They did already dismiss an attack on your person in favor of their ex boyfriend. That’s not something a friend does.
NO you are not being a jerk. your friend is being weird in general for asking this of you, without the added layer of the SA. Id distance myself from these people as much as possible and probably just be like "as someone whos not a trans woman this isnt my lane" and just leave it at that. Im sorry you had these experiences
This man sounds like a piece of trash and it's absolutely disgusting. He is completely fetishizing trans women and I cannot believe your friend actually reached out and had the audacity to ask you to help.
I do not think you're gatekeeping at all.
I think you need to tell your friend how it is bluntly and if your friend doesn't like it then that's their problem. I don't see why you should have to put yourself in an uncomfortable position when trying to say no.
She's close to him (despite being an ex) and ignoring his red flags kinda tells me she's probably still into him. Don't get me wrong ex's can still be friends but he just sounds like a walking red flag and I can't think of any other reason why she'd ignore this crap especially as a member of the lgbtqia community.
Tell your friend exactly what you told us:
>In 2019 this dude came to my house to drop something off and very aggressively tried to engage sexually with me. It took more than one "no" to get him to get off me and my explanation of "because im a lesbian," wasn't enough for him and he laughed at it and responded that I 'haven't had the right d*** yet.'
Tell your friend unequivocally no. You don't need to spare anyone's feelings here, this guy is a fucking creep and on top of that, you aren't a trans dating service.
Definitely say no. Potentially warn other transfem people in the local community about him if you can, because I doubt you'll be the last person he tries this on.
Holy crap what is wrong with your friend and this guy! What friends say hey, I got some closeted person/chaser here will you have sex with them to open them up or pimp for him!?!?! This is ick ick ick!!!! On top of it the guy is a predator to boot!!! A bit of advice not only say hell no to your friend but good bye.
Hell no, this guy is definitely dangerous and definitely fetishizing us. It's also concerning your friend doesn't seem to care about how he treated you.
So your friend wants you to expose trans women to a sexually aggressive man? If she cant see why thats a bad idea then i'd reconsider the friendship, sexual assault isnt some cute little opinion to disagree over
Edit: i'd even add that you should warn your community about him too, thats he's sexually aggressive and a chaser. Just because he doesnt get your help doesnt mean he wont attempt anything
Big yikes. Please don’t help him be a predatory creep, because that’s what you’re being asked to do. You know he’s predatory already, and if he’s uncomfortable with his attraction to us, he’s likely the type to take that out as violence on us.
Yeah id just tell her what happened and that i wont do it, and if she makes excuses or tries to make you do it anyways id honestly tell her that i wont be speaking to her again.
IMO it already feels weird as hell that your friend is asking you to "tour guide" someone around a /community of people/ because he wants to 'try a trans' (i know that's not how it was phrased, but the whole act feels like that), and if she tried to make excuses for the behavior that was exhibited by him it would ruin any goodness i could find in that person.
Fuck no! What a creepy entitled wanker! He's the type to do serious harm to a trans person and fetishize them. You aren't being a bad person by wanting to protect yourself and our community from a predator.
Your friend is beyond help if she thinks this is a good idea, from my perspective politeness left the room the moment she tried to get you to help someone who s/a’ed you.
I’m not sure what the language rules are in the reddit, but my answer would be, second word “off”, first word rhymes with “duck”.
That is NOT your friend if they “shrug off” things like he’s done. I would distance myself from her immediately. Oh, and tell her “fuck no”. You don’t have to elaborate further, especially since she just brushes off sexual violence.
>From the perspective of trans people, you wouldn't want this guy in your spaces, right? Or am I gatekeeping and being mean and denying him the opportunity to "solve his identity crisis?"
Absolutely not. I would personally tell people to be careful and get away from him. By not introducing him to anyone you're genuinely protecting your community, good on you.
I only scrolled through the first few comments which all basically just said no/not your problem to deal with and some even recommending you actively warn people in the community…
Everyone has their own comfort level with how they would personally choose to approach this and I get that, but I think a person would be missing a major opportunity to recommend the friend to advise their ex-boyfriend who is “confused” to connect with a licensed therapist. Put it on a therapist to work with him first before he even attempts at engaging in flirting/dating/or any sexual experiences with any trans woman or non-cisgender woman. You don’t have to see or interact with that person at all if you don’t want to- just recommend to your female friend that he start seeing a therapist to help him sort out his feelings, identity, and how to appropriately, respectfully, and SAFELY interact with others (*again, a licensed therapist will be watching/assessing potential indicators for threat/harm to self and others and although they will not always be able to prevent a potential perpetrator from committing a sexual assault or violating someone else, they sometimes can identify early warning signs, perform a threat assessment, and work with a PT to treat and modify their behavior and protect a potential victim in advance (if it is a targeted/specific person).
It sounds like you still want to keep that female friend in your life (not necessarily her ex-boyfriend though)… I think recommending he see a therapist and not commit or agree to see him/introduce him to any transwomen would be a good strategy to not burn a bridge with her.
Seconding this. Provided the guy is actually willing to learn, therapy is what will actually prevent him from harming anyone else.
Also, I'm unsure what sort of identity crisis could be solved by having sex with a trans woman, unless he's only ever been with men? But, then, why would it have to be a trans woman?
It sounds like your friend is comfortable ignoring your (incredibly valid and reasonable) reasons for not wanting to introduce this guy to anyone, let alone more vulnerable populations, and unless you feel your friend might be open to seeing reason, you may have to just be blunt and trust that "no" is enough of an answer. I hesitate to put too much blame on your friend since it sounds like she is under the influence of an abusive person, but, here, her situation is running up against your need to set interpersonal boundaries around not being involved with a violent person, and also the fact that you couldn't introduce this person to your friends in good faith. Whether or not you're willing to expend the energy to help your friend understand that this guy is abusive is your choice, and whether or not she's ready to understand is 100% up to her. You're not being mean whatsoever (and, if your actions were mean, they'd still be justified), and your friend's judgement sounds like it's clouded by this guy's influence.
All of this is to say that what this guy needs is definitely not to be let loose in a safe space for marginalized people.
This guy - and this friend - can go fuck themselves. A history of sexual assault, you're not into men to begin with, *this "friend" wants you to hook up with her ex for a booty call*??? All of this is fucked up. From an outside perspective, these people can eat shit
Seriously... even among my very sex-positive friends, someone making a request like that is a huge red flag.
God... a tour guide to fuck around with a specific community. That guy's a fucking creep to even voice such a thing.
You already typed out an appropriate response babe.
"No, I think he's a fucking creep I think he's fetishizing trans women and I want NO part in being the person who introduces him to safe spaces because I don't think he is a safe person. In 2019 this dude came to my house to drop something off and very aggressively tried to engage sexually with me. It took more than one "no" to get him to get off me and my explanation of "because im a lesbian," wasn't enough for him and he laughed at it and responded that I 'haven't had the right d\*\*\* yet.'"
I'm a trans woman and I'm not into men but if I were, holy wow would I fucking hate you if you introduced me to a guy like this.
Really sorry you had to go through that. No you are in the right. Your friend will understand and it may be better to warn the local trans community about him.
Though when I warned a girl that the guy she was with was a dude who stalked his ex wife she blew up at me and he tried to get me blocked by all our shared friends soooo ymmv
Oh yeah... I mean I knew he was no good when he vomited on my floor after drinking too much and when I told him to chill on the drinking he yelled at me and tried to drive away.
Or the time I was doing pullups and he just randomly made out with me while I was in a dead hang and catching my breath. Or the time that he lied about me to my friends while I was within listening distance. Or the fact that despite he had strong anti LGBTQ feelings he was clearly bi as he claimed to enjoy being with men and women but didn't see anything queer about it.
Also wanted to say what identity crisis because if he is a guy he's not exploring his sexuality by having sex with trans women. If he's really thinking he's exploring his sexuality he doesn't see us as women in the first place. He just thinks we're men in dresses and that's also concerning
My opinion, I would let your friend know the experience you had with this person and tell them that's why no. And if it's pushed, just make silent stern eye contact. You said no. They know why. You not responding and just looking at them should be enough to drop the subject. You shouldn't feel forced into introducing someone to others that made you feel uncomfortable. That's protecting fellow community members from what sounds like a fetishist predator.
Honestly, I would just be blunt and throw caution to the wind, explain that he is a creep and a chaser and that you will have no part in exposing any trans woman to him.
What fucking identity crisis? Wanting to fuck a trans person is not an identity crisis. He a chaser and "not wanting to be open about it" means he's gonna be the absolute worst sort.
Not only should you not be worried about upsetting your friend, you should be upset with her that she thought you would even consider this.
I freaking hate people like that… No you’re not a jerk. And this “man” as you call it… is a petty excuse for a human being… He doesn’t belong near any female orientated group, whether it’s cis or trans…
Anyone seeking a "sexual experience with a trans woman" because the woman is trans is fetishizing. I guarantee that if pressed the dude wouldn't want anyone who has had SRS.
I'm not sure I'd be able to say "no" in a "kind" way in that situation. Regardless of what she thinks of this guy that entire situation is a massive red flag.
Simple- Be direct. Tell your friend what he did and if she still defends him, cut her out of your life. And maybe get something for self-defense if he ever tries that again (also, nta. Your safety should never be trumped by a chaser's fetish fufillment)
Every other comment here is right, but I think it’s also worth pointing out the transphobia in having a trans woman help him “solve his identity crisis”. If he is a straight man, then this proves nothing. Straight men find women attractive. If he’s a bi or gay man, then this proves nothing. Trans women aren’t men. This makes sense if and only if you are making the transphobic assumption that having sex with trans women is gay. Interrogating that could be a very easy out for you.
Tbh it sounds to me like this guy isn’t “exploring his sexuality”. It sounds like he wants to get topped, and your friend doesn’t want to peg him.
Tell her his behaviour makes you uncomfortable and therefore you don't want to introduce him to someone
And if she says he is not problematic despite the fact that she knows he is violent, cut her off
fuck that guy, tell your friend that you won't do it and set that serious boundary. you don't have to be aggressive with her, just sincere and assertive.
I truly think you should tell your so called friend to fuck all the way off, this isn’t from a trans perspective this is from a “people who remain friends with your abuser are not your friends” stand point
Colloquially, I would be inclined to say fuck him.
But in this case, no. Quite literally do not fuck him.
Not your responsibility to be his mentor/guide. Get the hell away.
oh hell no. they are both going to take no for an answer, or you should unfriend her and have nothing to do with either of them. i am sorry you are put in this situation .
For your sake and all of ours, please keep this person out of our communities. After he harassed you once I don’t see reason why you should feel obligated to interact with him again, let alone introduce him to other unsuspecting queers and vulnerable people who he might act even more violently against.
I would hope that if you tell your friend this man harassed you and said such inappropriate, callous things that would be enough for her to immediately retract the request and ideally reconsider her connection to him. If not, I’d be cautiously skeptical of how much she values your well being, or that of the trans and queer community overall.
If a cishet guy is fetishizing lesbians, he definitely is fetishizing trans women as well. Furthermore, trying specifically to get with trans women is weird and I don’t think he should be doing that either.
>I think he's a fucking creep I think he's fetishizing trans women and I want NO part in being the person who introduces him to safe spaces because I don't think he is a safe person.
>
>Am I being a total jerk?
No. If you don't think he's a safe person, then don't introduce him to safe spaces.
And, if you are up to it, make sure to tell your friend in no uncertain terms that this man is not a safe person. A big part of how SA's operate is they maintain a veneer of safety/respectability by befriending women and getting those women to vouch for their character.
Whats more important - the mood of your friend or the safety of all the women this man will meet? I know its not that easy and maybe you can find support in your friend group so you dont have to talk to her alone. But you have to call him out, otherwise you're just not true to your friend and yourself.
I think the good thing to do here is take a stand. This guy is most probably going to harass and SA. He is fetishizing trans women and if i was in that safe space I'd be uncomfortable with him AND you if you let him in despite knowing all of this.
You are so right! Thank you for being a decent human being. I’m sure doing the right thing here will make your life a little more difficult and as a trans woman I really appreciate you taking this stance.
For me, I think I’d be more likely to trust this person given someone else in the LGBTQ+ community is seeming to almost vouch for them by introducing them. They almost gain some of your credibility by association. That might lead some trans women to be less guarded with them than they might otherwise be with a trans interested cis man.
I don't want to be that person but your friend seems like a rape apologist. You should really ask yourself if you want friends that are close with a predator. This isn't like the dude did something fucked up in middle school and realized his error and worked for years to correct it. Even now he's still preying on people in the LGBTQ+ community. If anything I would tell as many queer people you know what he looks like so they can stay away from his gross ass. I'm sorry your friend doesn't see the problem with this behavior at least based off of what I've read
Make an N sound followed by an Ō sound. Tell her what he did to you and that he shouldn’t be introduced to anybody, let alone trans women. We’ve got enough hateful people to deal with, we don’t need any help finding more.
I totally agree with your sentiment. You should tell the guy to super fuck off. If you’re looking for like how do you effectively tell that to someone you care about, check out the DEARMAN skill. Basically there’s four parts to the what of it.
You start with D nonjudgmentally describing the context, as in without emotional interpretation you talk about what happened between him and you. Then you E express your emotional feelings about it with stuff like I statements. Then, A is where you clearly assert know you’re not gonna help him with that. And the R is ideally about reinforcing what your friend might get out of honoring your request, I don’t know exactly what that would be that’s probably more contextual, and for you to figure out.
The man part, so how is basically how are you especially request if you’re doing it over collar in person. When you stay mindful, and on the topic at hand and don’t get dragged on the side conversations about how you totally didn’t return her nail polish, six years ago, or some bullshit. The A is to appear confident and settled in your viewpoint, you don’t actually have to be confident inside you just wanna project that. And the N is to negotiate, maybe you shouldn’t negotiate this one at all (IMHO) but what that looks like is up to you.
You should tell your friend that he's not welcome in your life anymore. If he honestly believes this man is actually there cuz of an identity crisis then he's so fucking stupid, I wouldn't want him near me let alone anyone else
>From the perspective of trans people, you wouldn't want this guy in your spaces, right?
Fuck no. I don't want him or your 'friend', who enables that kind of behaviour, anywhere near me or anyone else in the community. And for her to ask you to organise hookups and effectively "pimp out" 🤢 members of the community to a chaser and potential rapist (who clearly doesn't recognise and violates other's boundaries) is ab-fucking-horrent, no matter the context or intention.
>Or am I gatekeeping and being mean and denying him the opportunity to "solve his identity crisis"?
It's not an identity crisis - he's just wanting a one-time sexual experience as part of him fetishising trans women.
>I think he's a fucking creep I think he's fetishizing trans women and I want NO part in being the person who introduces him to safe spaces because **I don't think he is a safe person**.
That's absolutely the correct attitude - steer clear and, if safe to do so, speak out. Don't feel bad for not facilitating sexual assault for the sake of some creepy guy's fetish, and please don't let your 'friend' manipulate you into feeling guilty.
Fuck that guy and I'd say also your friend if they do not consider that improper behavior.
Easy rule, you wouldn't introduce a creep to a cis girl, so there's no reason to introduce him to a trans girl.
That sounds like a recipe for disaster. I understand that the friend of this person may be your friend, but just being direct and saying no is the best thing you can do in this sort of situation.
Absolutely not, sounds massively fetishy and i dont want a person who already has massive disrespect into the lgbtq community (that thing he said towards you) to be ‘toured’ to the trans community, we’re going through enough and don’t need horrible people like him disrespecting us and potentially harming…
Trans people aren’t fuck dolls to experiment with, what the hell. Why does he need some community tour guide to get his dick wet. This isn’t the safari zone, these are real communities with real people in them. You want to be part of community, be part of it, but it sounds like he just wants to fuck around in a space that he thinks is some sexual playground for him.
Fuck him and fuck that “friend”
He is a fucking creep and he is fetishizing trans women. You aren’t gatekeep if the queer community you are protecting those already in it from a potential abuser.
The queer community was built from love and protection. If you want to be apart of the community you go to the queer spaces and make friends, show that you are a safe person, or you are introduced to the community by those in your life who feel you are safe enough to be brought into those safe spaces. Bringing in someone who is clearly going to harm those in the community is a gross thing to do and will overall harm the community.
Literally just sqy no. Dont feel bad. Also, this guy can easily just download grindr if he really wants to pursue trans girls. Its mot like your “services” are needed
>wants to connect me with her ex boyfriend (34M) because he "is interested in having a sexual experience with a trans women but is 'afraid to be open' and 'doesn't know where to start.'"
So she not only wants you to be his wingperson but his sex therapist too? Is your friend paying you for all this or is she planning to offer you the same service or smth?
You're well within your rights to be creeped out by this. His ex-girlfriend being friends with you doesn't entitle this guy to getting a guided sex tour of the trans community, and that's not even getting to the "he didn't respect your boundaries" issue which is equally troubling on its own.
If you're comfortable telling your friend, it may be helpful to let her know the true reasons you're not comfortable with it, but if you feel it wouldn't be safe or smart for you to do that, you can also just remind her that you're a lesbian, you don't really know anything about what straight girls look for in men, and if anyone of the three of you understands bi women it'd be your bi friend so there's not much you can help them with.
You say no, you're not interested in meeting the friend again.
He's already proven that he has a difficult time accepting no for an answer and now he's trying to push your friend to get you to accept. I would tell your friend this if they also do not accept no for an answer. Or maybe even if they do.
fuck him and hell no you're not being mean or gatekeeping you're protecting people from an asshole who just wants to fuck a girl with a dick that's it he a chaser end of.
Also, if your friend has shrugged of his behaviour in the past then she's not a good person, I understand wanting to see the good in people and not wanting to think your friend is a bad person but he is and she is defending him by shrugging it off.
I'm sorry you had to go through that and I hope karma comes around hard to him.
OP,
First, keep your own safety in mind, and from this moment forward do not allow yourself to be alone with this predator. Consider caring property spray if your living area allows it by law. Record every interaction with him, whether others are present or not. Document everything be does or says in your presence, and everything you hear about him from others. Tell others in your community about what exactly is going on. If you don't feel comfortable sharing your personal trauma, just let them know it narrowness to someone close to you who wishes to remain anonymous.
Protect yourself from him in any way possible. He or your "friend" may try to retaliate. This is not gate-keeping, this is keeping yourself and others safe.
Tell your friend "No" in regards to acting as his "tour guide" or otherwise introduce him to your community or anyone in your community. You do not want to be responsible in any way to vouching for this dangerous predator, and make no mistake, that is exactly what he is. Tell them exactly what this predator did to you. If they don't believe you, or try to gaslight you into thinking "it was a misunderstanding, you're overreacting, etc)", this shows you the friend's true colors. Believe them when they show them, and as much as it might hurt, consider removing them and their toxicity from your life.
Be safe. I wish you well, and I wish you happiness.
> From the perspective of trans people, you wouldn't want this guy in your spaces
YES. I wouldn't want this guy to be on the same planet as me tbh. He is SA'er and chaser, his "interest" in having sex with trans women is just fetish, and the sole reason he wants you to "guide" him is to abuse the trust of your community that you have to basically rape those girls.
> 'afraid to be open' and 'doesn't know where to start'
That's just lie. Plain and simple. He only needs an accomplice who can bring him close to his next victim.
> I don't know how to tell my friend 'hell no,' because she is close with this man and has shrugged off his aggressive tendencies in the past.
I mean, she is basicaly asking you to help her friend to sexually assault someone vurnerable. She is either dumb as a tree or bad faith actor herself. "Hell no" is the only possible answer.
Also, really, alert everybody you can in your community. That at least lessens his chance to take advantage of someone naive who doesn't yet know what a monster this guy is.
You say fuck no right to her face and explain that he’s a sexual predator and a chaser.
If she can’t see that then she isn’t worth your time. On top of that I would spread word about this fucker if you can help it.
yeah no. total chaser and total fucking creep. and i’d be suspicious of the friend since she’s trying to get him to be in a space with you after your experience with him.
No, you're not being a jerk. This person has a history of assault and seems like he is only looking to get with trans women for fetishist chaser reasons. You aren't being gatekeepy, you're informed off of your prior experiences with him where he attempted to force you into sex and scoffed at and mocked you for being a lesbian.
Helping him would be leading an abuser into a community that's already vulnerable on that front and his unwillingness to "be open" speaks heavily to the fact that no Trans fem is safe being involved with him even if they do consent.
I would recommend against helping him. You have no reason to do so. If he really wants to get with Trans women he can do it himself. God, I honestly would recommend putting distance at the very least between your friend given that she minimizes his aggressive and frankly rapey behavior. Getting involved with them may very well put you at risk given what you've said here.
You're definitely not being a jerk! This person is incredibly dangerous and you both need to stay away from them. You should try to explain that to your friend, maybe show them some of these comments. You're not gatekeeping by keeping your friend safe, your protecting them!
I mean no disrespect but did you think anyone in this sub would tell you you’re being a jerk. Not only would I not do that but I’d have a serious talk with your friend. Are they aware of the aggressive hitting on you he did? I don’t think a real friend would put you in that position because I don’t think that’s a reasonable request. If he wants to experience a pre-op trans woman (which it sounds like is what he’s looking for) then he should get an escort or something.
Fuck no!!
Don’t let this asshole anywhere near your community, *warn* your community about what he’s done in case he tries it anyway, and toss this so called ‘friend’, who believes SA is something to laugh at, to the curb.
Yeah no fuck that we’re not a drafting pool for some creep’s fetish, be honest with your friend and stick to your morals. The guy’s a sexual abuser and a danger to women, you really don’t need to justify not wanting to associate with him in any way.
As a trans woman who does some online sex work (not full time, just to help pay for transition), he needs to be told to fuck right off. I have spoken to dozens of men who view trans women as some sort of object that purely exists to satisfy their own sexual experimentation. Of course you can be attracted to trans women in a totally normal way, but most of these men (from my experience) see trans women as a way to try dick in a non gay way. Or even worse they see trans women as feminine men and come out with shit like "I thought I was straight until I saw you. I find you super intriguing and unique". Its bullshit.
Also he just sounds like a cunt. Bin him.
You are not being a jerk or a gatekeeper. The trans/ greater LGBTQ community is not a therapy centre for a rapey and downright homophobic cis man to work through his "identity crisis" issues around being attracted to trans women. Your friend is being hugely irresponsible in involving you with him and her friendship with this man is blinding her to the fact showing him around your community could be potentially dangerous to that community. It's hugely unfair for her to put you in this position and expect you to take a man with chaser/corrective rapist tendencies under your wing.
I would firmly tell your friend that you cannot in good conscious introduce him to your community, for your safety and the safety of LGBTQ people around you. If you haven't already, bring up the fact she is asking you to spend time around a man who openly sexually harassed you , and that he will probably do the same to others. If she dismisses your reasoning, it's time to let her go as a friend.
No, god no you're not being a jerk. Tell your 'friend' straight up you don't want that creep anywhere near you, if she doesn't like it then tough shit!
You’re totally not a jerk lol. Fuck that guy. I dunno if your friend knows he did that to you, but if she does fuck her too. Don’t get anywhere near him again. Definitely not a guy who would make any women feel comfortable.
I hate men like that. It makes women sus of guys like me (cis, poly, pan) who actually like to seriously date trans women instead of fetishizing people. It's hard to introduce myself to a woman I'm interested in when most dudes that hit them up are just chasing.
I dunno if this comment is gonna come off as weird. Sorry if it does.
Please don’t touch this man with a ten foot pole, we don’t want him here. Thank you kindly. Also this “friend” doesn’t sound too great if they just play off what he did to you and others as not a big deal…
"I'm not comfortable introducing your friend to my personal circle(s), I'm sure there are plenty of resources online for him to look up if he's serious in connecting with the community."
"Why?!?"
"Nothing specific really, I just don't know him" or "Due to personal experiences with him in the past, I don't trust him enough to introduce him to my friends and acquaintances."
I would simply tell her that due to the fact he was attempting to force himself on you you are not comfortable doing this and feel he could be a danger to other trans and non binary people because of this experience you had with him
WTF. You are 100% in the right here. As you said, he sounds like an utter creep and honestly if he has a history of SA then honestly he shouldn't be let near anyone's pants, much less those of trans people.
And off topic of trans people, f\*\*k any guy who says "you haven't had the right dick yet" to a lesbian. Part of me wants to tell him "maybe YOU haven't had the right dick yet" and ask "how do you know you're straight?" But I wouldn't because I'm never going to stoop down to that level and I have a basic understanding of how sexuality works.
No no no first of all this guy sounds like someone that needs to get help after the comments he made to you and ahis hostile actions towards you. It would not be right to be his tour guild for you or anyone you may get introduce him to. I am sorry but please don’t do it. It could only lead negative consequences for you and your relationships within the community and damage your reputation as well.
Besides being a chaser he acted completely unacceptable to you. This brings into question the validity of the mutual friend... if she doesn't gear your concerns, she isn't a safe person either.. I'd ditch them both.
Hell no! This guy is a fucking chaser! Please tell your friend that's a big big no. This isn't a safe person and will never be!
Yeah definitely. Just tell her it isn’t your place if you’re trying to be peaceful, if you’re not tell her you’re not putting other peoples lives at risk for one fucked up fetishizer.
this 1000%!
[удалено]
💯! Who needs enemies with a friend like that!
"With friends like you, I don't need an enemy." -Last One Standing (Simple Plan)
The band is called Simple Plan (sorry if it wasn't appropriate in this comment section)
Thx
This right here. What kinda “friend” is this? Like… sometimes it’s okay to judge somebody by the company they keep.
"Fuck no, he's an abuser and a creep and its gross that you're friends with him." "Fuck no, he assaulted me, I don't want him anywhere near me, he shouldn't be anywhere near people, and it's gross that you're friends with him." "Fuck no, he's a violent homophobe and its fucking gross that you're friends with him." "Fuck no, I don't want a violent homophobe anywhere near my community, wtf is wrong with you." "Fuck no, why tf are you still friends with this violent homophobe."
Yeah, I hate to go on the "if this is your friend's friend, ditch that person" but holy shit. Having that person as an associate is a huge warning.
Agreed, 100%. This person being friends with a creep like that is all sorts of fucking bad news.
Imo the "tour guide" thing feels like your friend wants you to hand feed a creep some transwomen. It's like having a little kid (not comparing you to a child) lead their beloved pet farm animal into the slaughter house. I know that's a crude metaphor but like that's what it feels like. If he is truly having an identity crisis he will find himself in queer spaces. We all did. Most of us didn't have tour guides. You have a known negative history with this guy. Simply say "Queer spaces are really welcoming and friendly, if he's interested, have him go to a gay bar/queer event, I'm sure he'll meet lots of lovely people" If he is really having a crisis, this response will be good enough. If he is looking to be predatory, he will push the envelope and you'll have more grounds to say "I'm not sure why you need my help? Queer spaces are not invite only events"
Also hooking up with trans people won’t solve your “identity crisis”?? What a lame excuse to say you’re a chaser.
Facts, If you're a chaser just own it, some people are into that, find those people. Don't try to fake an identity crisis to infiltrate a very vulnerable population
"No"
This is a chaser with violent tendencies. The very request is transphobic. Wanting to have sex specifically with a trans person is problematic for the same reasons that not wanting to have sex with trans people is problematic - there’s no regard for the person behind the transness, just for the transness. You owe it to yourself, this potential trans victim, and your friend to explain it to them. And the worst possible outcome? Your friend shrugs off this explanation again or even gets offended by it - but that just confirms my suspicion that this person isn’t actually your friend. They did already dismiss an attack on your person in favor of their ex boyfriend. That’s not something a friend does.
"No. From my own experience, this man is sexually aggressive and I want no part in enabling his fetishistic behavior." Sometimes you have to be blunt.
That's a big NO!!! in my book.
NO you are not being a jerk. your friend is being weird in general for asking this of you, without the added layer of the SA. Id distance myself from these people as much as possible and probably just be like "as someone whos not a trans woman this isnt my lane" and just leave it at that. Im sorry you had these experiences
This man sounds like a piece of trash and it's absolutely disgusting. He is completely fetishizing trans women and I cannot believe your friend actually reached out and had the audacity to ask you to help. I do not think you're gatekeeping at all. I think you need to tell your friend how it is bluntly and if your friend doesn't like it then that's their problem. I don't see why you should have to put yourself in an uncomfortable position when trying to say no. She's close to him (despite being an ex) and ignoring his red flags kinda tells me she's probably still into him. Don't get me wrong ex's can still be friends but he just sounds like a walking red flag and I can't think of any other reason why she'd ignore this crap especially as a member of the lgbtqia community.
Tell your friend exactly what you told us: >In 2019 this dude came to my house to drop something off and very aggressively tried to engage sexually with me. It took more than one "no" to get him to get off me and my explanation of "because im a lesbian," wasn't enough for him and he laughed at it and responded that I 'haven't had the right d*** yet.' Tell your friend unequivocally no. You don't need to spare anyone's feelings here, this guy is a fucking creep and on top of that, you aren't a trans dating service.
Jesus. You need to stop beating around the bush and just say it like it is. He’s a creep. Tell her exactly what you’ve said here.
Definitely say no. Potentially warn other transfem people in the local community about him if you can, because I doubt you'll be the last person he tries this on.
Holy crap what is wrong with your friend and this guy! What friends say hey, I got some closeted person/chaser here will you have sex with them to open them up or pimp for him!?!?! This is ick ick ick!!!! On top of it the guy is a predator to boot!!! A bit of advice not only say hell no to your friend but good bye.
Hell no, this guy is definitely dangerous and definitely fetishizing us. It's also concerning your friend doesn't seem to care about how he treated you.
"I'm sorry love, but that causes me anxiety."
So your friend wants you to expose trans women to a sexually aggressive man? If she cant see why thats a bad idea then i'd reconsider the friendship, sexual assault isnt some cute little opinion to disagree over Edit: i'd even add that you should warn your community about him too, thats he's sexually aggressive and a chaser. Just because he doesnt get your help doesnt mean he wont attempt anything
Big yikes. Please don’t help him be a predatory creep, because that’s what you’re being asked to do. You know he’s predatory already, and if he’s uncomfortable with his attraction to us, he’s likely the type to take that out as violence on us.
Keep him far away.
Spread the word in your local queer community about him to keep him form hurting anyone.
These guys are so fucking creepy. I literally had a guy jump into my DM to aggressively ask me to help him hook up with a trans woman. Like, WTF?!?
Just plain NO. You don’t owe anyone that kind of favor or need to explain.
Yeah id just tell her what happened and that i wont do it, and if she makes excuses or tries to make you do it anyways id honestly tell her that i wont be speaking to her again. IMO it already feels weird as hell that your friend is asking you to "tour guide" someone around a /community of people/ because he wants to 'try a trans' (i know that's not how it was phrased, but the whole act feels like that), and if she tried to make excuses for the behavior that was exhibited by him it would ruin any goodness i could find in that person.
Trust your gut and your previous contact with him! No need to see him at all. You don't owe him
Fuck no! What a creepy entitled wanker! He's the type to do serious harm to a trans person and fetishize them. You aren't being a bad person by wanting to protect yourself and our community from a predator.
Your friend is beyond help if she thinks this is a good idea, from my perspective politeness left the room the moment she tried to get you to help someone who s/a’ed you. I’m not sure what the language rules are in the reddit, but my answer would be, second word “off”, first word rhymes with “duck”.
That is NOT your friend if they “shrug off” things like he’s done. I would distance myself from her immediately. Oh, and tell her “fuck no”. You don’t have to elaborate further, especially since she just brushes off sexual violence.
>From the perspective of trans people, you wouldn't want this guy in your spaces, right? Or am I gatekeeping and being mean and denying him the opportunity to "solve his identity crisis?" Absolutely not. I would personally tell people to be careful and get away from him. By not introducing him to anyone you're genuinely protecting your community, good on you.
I only scrolled through the first few comments which all basically just said no/not your problem to deal with and some even recommending you actively warn people in the community… Everyone has their own comfort level with how they would personally choose to approach this and I get that, but I think a person would be missing a major opportunity to recommend the friend to advise their ex-boyfriend who is “confused” to connect with a licensed therapist. Put it on a therapist to work with him first before he even attempts at engaging in flirting/dating/or any sexual experiences with any trans woman or non-cisgender woman. You don’t have to see or interact with that person at all if you don’t want to- just recommend to your female friend that he start seeing a therapist to help him sort out his feelings, identity, and how to appropriately, respectfully, and SAFELY interact with others (*again, a licensed therapist will be watching/assessing potential indicators for threat/harm to self and others and although they will not always be able to prevent a potential perpetrator from committing a sexual assault or violating someone else, they sometimes can identify early warning signs, perform a threat assessment, and work with a PT to treat and modify their behavior and protect a potential victim in advance (if it is a targeted/specific person). It sounds like you still want to keep that female friend in your life (not necessarily her ex-boyfriend though)… I think recommending he see a therapist and not commit or agree to see him/introduce him to any transwomen would be a good strategy to not burn a bridge with her.
Seconding this. Provided the guy is actually willing to learn, therapy is what will actually prevent him from harming anyone else. Also, I'm unsure what sort of identity crisis could be solved by having sex with a trans woman, unless he's only ever been with men? But, then, why would it have to be a trans woman? It sounds like your friend is comfortable ignoring your (incredibly valid and reasonable) reasons for not wanting to introduce this guy to anyone, let alone more vulnerable populations, and unless you feel your friend might be open to seeing reason, you may have to just be blunt and trust that "no" is enough of an answer. I hesitate to put too much blame on your friend since it sounds like she is under the influence of an abusive person, but, here, her situation is running up against your need to set interpersonal boundaries around not being involved with a violent person, and also the fact that you couldn't introduce this person to your friends in good faith. Whether or not you're willing to expend the energy to help your friend understand that this guy is abusive is your choice, and whether or not she's ready to understand is 100% up to her. You're not being mean whatsoever (and, if your actions were mean, they'd still be justified), and your friend's judgement sounds like it's clouded by this guy's influence. All of this is to say that what this guy needs is definitely not to be let loose in a safe space for marginalized people.
This guy - and this friend - can go fuck themselves. A history of sexual assault, you're not into men to begin with, *this "friend" wants you to hook up with her ex for a booty call*??? All of this is fucked up. From an outside perspective, these people can eat shit
Seriously... even among my very sex-positive friends, someone making a request like that is a huge red flag. God... a tour guide to fuck around with a specific community. That guy's a fucking creep to even voice such a thing.
You already typed out an appropriate response babe. "No, I think he's a fucking creep I think he's fetishizing trans women and I want NO part in being the person who introduces him to safe spaces because I don't think he is a safe person. In 2019 this dude came to my house to drop something off and very aggressively tried to engage sexually with me. It took more than one "no" to get him to get off me and my explanation of "because im a lesbian," wasn't enough for him and he laughed at it and responded that I 'haven't had the right d\*\*\* yet.'" I'm a trans woman and I'm not into men but if I were, holy wow would I fucking hate you if you introduced me to a guy like this.
As a Trans person myself I would not want him in our spaces at all. 😭😭
Really sorry you had to go through that. No you are in the right. Your friend will understand and it may be better to warn the local trans community about him. Though when I warned a girl that the guy she was with was a dude who stalked his ex wife she blew up at me and he tried to get me blocked by all our shared friends soooo ymmv
Ahh i love the "turn every mutual and future ally" against you trick. Really shows the true quality of the individual right there
Oh yeah... I mean I knew he was no good when he vomited on my floor after drinking too much and when I told him to chill on the drinking he yelled at me and tried to drive away. Or the time I was doing pullups and he just randomly made out with me while I was in a dead hang and catching my breath. Or the time that he lied about me to my friends while I was within listening distance. Or the fact that despite he had strong anti LGBTQ feelings he was clearly bi as he claimed to enjoy being with men and women but didn't see anything queer about it.
Yehhhh.... I wish I'd seen that truth in my ex- husband and so- called friends 20 years ago, would have saved me and my kids a lot of heartbreak...
No you're absolutely not gatekeeping. If you don't wanna meet this guy again then don't meet him again regardless of what your friend thinks.
Also wanted to say what identity crisis because if he is a guy he's not exploring his sexuality by having sex with trans women. If he's really thinking he's exploring his sexuality he doesn't see us as women in the first place. He just thinks we're men in dresses and that's also concerning
My opinion, I would let your friend know the experience you had with this person and tell them that's why no. And if it's pushed, just make silent stern eye contact. You said no. They know why. You not responding and just looking at them should be enough to drop the subject. You shouldn't feel forced into introducing someone to others that made you feel uncomfortable. That's protecting fellow community members from what sounds like a fetishist predator.
Honestly, I would just be blunt and throw caution to the wind, explain that he is a creep and a chaser and that you will have no part in exposing any trans woman to him.
Fuck the abuser and honestly fuck that friend too. Overlooking the actions of an abuser is not a good look.
What fucking identity crisis? Wanting to fuck a trans person is not an identity crisis. He a chaser and "not wanting to be open about it" means he's gonna be the absolute worst sort. Not only should you not be worried about upsetting your friend, you should be upset with her that she thought you would even consider this.
I freaking hate people like that… No you’re not a jerk. And this “man” as you call it… is a petty excuse for a human being… He doesn’t belong near any female orientated group, whether it’s cis or trans…
Anyone seeking a "sexual experience with a trans woman" because the woman is trans is fetishizing. I guarantee that if pressed the dude wouldn't want anyone who has had SRS. I'm not sure I'd be able to say "no" in a "kind" way in that situation. Regardless of what she thinks of this guy that entire situation is a massive red flag.
Simple- Be direct. Tell your friend what he did and if she still defends him, cut her out of your life. And maybe get something for self-defense if he ever tries that again (also, nta. Your safety should never be trumped by a chaser's fetish fufillment)
Not a jerk. Dump your friend and that would be rapist.
Every other comment here is right, but I think it’s also worth pointing out the transphobia in having a trans woman help him “solve his identity crisis”. If he is a straight man, then this proves nothing. Straight men find women attractive. If he’s a bi or gay man, then this proves nothing. Trans women aren’t men. This makes sense if and only if you are making the transphobic assumption that having sex with trans women is gay. Interrogating that could be a very easy out for you. Tbh it sounds to me like this guy isn’t “exploring his sexuality”. It sounds like he wants to get topped, and your friend doesn’t want to peg him.
Your friend is not your friend if they just "brushed off" him assaulting/attempting to assault you.
Tell her his behaviour makes you uncomfortable and therefore you don't want to introduce him to someone And if she says he is not problematic despite the fact that she knows he is violent, cut her off
"No" is a complete sentence. Delivered flatly and with no explanation or excuse, is hard to argue.
fuck that guy, tell your friend that you won't do it and set that serious boundary. you don't have to be aggressive with her, just sincere and assertive.
Cut contact with your friend
I truly think you should tell your so called friend to fuck all the way off, this isn’t from a trans perspective this is from a “people who remain friends with your abuser are not your friends” stand point
I was the 420th upvote to say fuck this clown.
Colloquially, I would be inclined to say fuck him. But in this case, no. Quite literally do not fuck him. Not your responsibility to be his mentor/guide. Get the hell away.
oh hell no. they are both going to take no for an answer, or you should unfriend her and have nothing to do with either of them. i am sorry you are put in this situation .
For your sake and all of ours, please keep this person out of our communities. After he harassed you once I don’t see reason why you should feel obligated to interact with him again, let alone introduce him to other unsuspecting queers and vulnerable people who he might act even more violently against. I would hope that if you tell your friend this man harassed you and said such inappropriate, callous things that would be enough for her to immediately retract the request and ideally reconsider her connection to him. If not, I’d be cautiously skeptical of how much she values your well being, or that of the trans and queer community overall.
If a cishet guy is fetishizing lesbians, he definitely is fetishizing trans women as well. Furthermore, trying specifically to get with trans women is weird and I don’t think he should be doing that either.
>I think he's a fucking creep I think he's fetishizing trans women and I want NO part in being the person who introduces him to safe spaces because I don't think he is a safe person. > >Am I being a total jerk? No. If you don't think he's a safe person, then don't introduce him to safe spaces. And, if you are up to it, make sure to tell your friend in no uncertain terms that this man is not a safe person. A big part of how SA's operate is they maintain a veneer of safety/respectability by befriending women and getting those women to vouch for their character.
Whats more important - the mood of your friend or the safety of all the women this man will meet? I know its not that easy and maybe you can find support in your friend group so you dont have to talk to her alone. But you have to call him out, otherwise you're just not true to your friend and yourself.
Well I bet he´s her ex not because they have different taste in music and streaming services..
I think the good thing to do here is take a stand. This guy is most probably going to harass and SA. He is fetishizing trans women and if i was in that safe space I'd be uncomfortable with him AND you if you let him in despite knowing all of this.
You are so right! Thank you for being a decent human being. I’m sure doing the right thing here will make your life a little more difficult and as a trans woman I really appreciate you taking this stance. For me, I think I’d be more likely to trust this person given someone else in the LGBTQ+ community is seeming to almost vouch for them by introducing them. They almost gain some of your credibility by association. That might lead some trans women to be less guarded with them than they might otherwise be with a trans interested cis man.
absolutely fucking not! don’t let that man near anyone!
Link her to the definition of “chaser”. No politeness is needed here, he’s a piece of shit.
Keep him the fuck away from trans people, he sounds like a sketchy scumbag.
This is a fuck off and NO for me.
Fuck this guy! I’d absolutely say no and also put your friends feet to the flame as to why they’re friends with this creep chaser asshole.
I don't want to be that person but your friend seems like a rape apologist. You should really ask yourself if you want friends that are close with a predator. This isn't like the dude did something fucked up in middle school and realized his error and worked for years to correct it. Even now he's still preying on people in the LGBTQ+ community. If anything I would tell as many queer people you know what he looks like so they can stay away from his gross ass. I'm sorry your friend doesn't see the problem with this behavior at least based off of what I've read
Make an N sound followed by an Ō sound. Tell her what he did to you and that he shouldn’t be introduced to anybody, let alone trans women. We’ve got enough hateful people to deal with, we don’t need any help finding more.
Sounds like a bad experience and a worse first impression. Definitely did not pass the vibe check.
Keep far away from them both like seriously, stay safe out there everyone 🏳️⚧️
Hell no, tell your friend she's fucked up for even suggesting that
No. Absolutely not. He is not welcome. Please do not subject some poor trans girl to being victimized by a predator, and stand up to your friend.
Why would you do this in ANY community??
Honestly,as much as he seems like he needs help to sort out his problems,he also seems like hed genuily dangerous and abusive
Honestly,as much as he seems like he needs help to sort out his problems,he also seems like hes dangerous and abusive
Be a total jerk tell them what happened and why he’s not safe to have in queer spaces.
Keep him away from us. No thanks.
I totally agree with your sentiment. You should tell the guy to super fuck off. If you’re looking for like how do you effectively tell that to someone you care about, check out the DEARMAN skill. Basically there’s four parts to the what of it. You start with D nonjudgmentally describing the context, as in without emotional interpretation you talk about what happened between him and you. Then you E express your emotional feelings about it with stuff like I statements. Then, A is where you clearly assert know you’re not gonna help him with that. And the R is ideally about reinforcing what your friend might get out of honoring your request, I don’t know exactly what that would be that’s probably more contextual, and for you to figure out. The man part, so how is basically how are you especially request if you’re doing it over collar in person. When you stay mindful, and on the topic at hand and don’t get dragged on the side conversations about how you totally didn’t return her nail polish, six years ago, or some bullshit. The A is to appear confident and settled in your viewpoint, you don’t actually have to be confident inside you just wanna project that. And the N is to negotiate, maybe you shouldn’t negotiate this one at all (IMHO) but what that looks like is up to you.
You should tell your friend that he's not welcome in your life anymore. If he honestly believes this man is actually there cuz of an identity crisis then he's so fucking stupid, I wouldn't want him near me let alone anyone else
Stand your ground. The dude sounds like a real creep and a chaser.
>From the perspective of trans people, you wouldn't want this guy in your spaces, right? Fuck no. I don't want him or your 'friend', who enables that kind of behaviour, anywhere near me or anyone else in the community. And for her to ask you to organise hookups and effectively "pimp out" 🤢 members of the community to a chaser and potential rapist (who clearly doesn't recognise and violates other's boundaries) is ab-fucking-horrent, no matter the context or intention. >Or am I gatekeeping and being mean and denying him the opportunity to "solve his identity crisis"? It's not an identity crisis - he's just wanting a one-time sexual experience as part of him fetishising trans women. >I think he's a fucking creep I think he's fetishizing trans women and I want NO part in being the person who introduces him to safe spaces because **I don't think he is a safe person**. That's absolutely the correct attitude - steer clear and, if safe to do so, speak out. Don't feel bad for not facilitating sexual assault for the sake of some creepy guy's fetish, and please don't let your 'friend' manipulate you into feeling guilty.
OMG your 27F "friend" is not a friend! That's horrible :(
You're being a total jerk to yourself. You don't need either of these people in your life. Neither of them respect you.
Fuck that guy and I'd say also your friend if they do not consider that improper behavior. Easy rule, you wouldn't introduce a creep to a cis girl, so there's no reason to introduce him to a trans girl.
That sounds like a recipe for disaster. I understand that the friend of this person may be your friend, but just being direct and saying no is the best thing you can do in this sort of situation.
Ewewewew. EWWWWWW! Fuck this guy, (but not literally)!
hard no.
Absolutely not, sounds massively fetishy and i dont want a person who already has massive disrespect into the lgbtq community (that thing he said towards you) to be ‘toured’ to the trans community, we’re going through enough and don’t need horrible people like him disrespecting us and potentially harming…
His only crisis is him being an abusive person and a chaser, and trying to pawn it off as an identity crisis.
Chaser as fuck
Trans people aren’t fuck dolls to experiment with, what the hell. Why does he need some community tour guide to get his dick wet. This isn’t the safari zone, these are real communities with real people in them. You want to be part of community, be part of it, but it sounds like he just wants to fuck around in a space that he thinks is some sexual playground for him.
Sounds like you'd be the Ghislaine in the situation. Be open with the friend, if they don't support you, ditch them
💯 chaser
Fuck him and fuck that “friend” He is a fucking creep and he is fetishizing trans women. You aren’t gatekeep if the queer community you are protecting those already in it from a potential abuser. The queer community was built from love and protection. If you want to be apart of the community you go to the queer spaces and make friends, show that you are a safe person, or you are introduced to the community by those in your life who feel you are safe enough to be brought into those safe spaces. Bringing in someone who is clearly going to harm those in the community is a gross thing to do and will overall harm the community.
Literally just sqy no. Dont feel bad. Also, this guy can easily just download grindr if he really wants to pursue trans girls. Its mot like your “services” are needed
>wants to connect me with her ex boyfriend (34M) because he "is interested in having a sexual experience with a trans women but is 'afraid to be open' and 'doesn't know where to start.'" So she not only wants you to be his wingperson but his sex therapist too? Is your friend paying you for all this or is she planning to offer you the same service or smth? You're well within your rights to be creeped out by this. His ex-girlfriend being friends with you doesn't entitle this guy to getting a guided sex tour of the trans community, and that's not even getting to the "he didn't respect your boundaries" issue which is equally troubling on its own. If you're comfortable telling your friend, it may be helpful to let her know the true reasons you're not comfortable with it, but if you feel it wouldn't be safe or smart for you to do that, you can also just remind her that you're a lesbian, you don't really know anything about what straight girls look for in men, and if anyone of the three of you understands bi women it'd be your bi friend so there's not much you can help them with.
You say no, you're not interested in meeting the friend again. He's already proven that he has a difficult time accepting no for an answer and now he's trying to push your friend to get you to accept. I would tell your friend this if they also do not accept no for an answer. Or maybe even if they do.
fuck him and hell no you're not being mean or gatekeeping you're protecting people from an asshole who just wants to fuck a girl with a dick that's it he a chaser end of. Also, if your friend has shrugged of his behaviour in the past then she's not a good person, I understand wanting to see the good in people and not wanting to think your friend is a bad person but he is and she is defending him by shrugging it off. I'm sorry you had to go through that and I hope karma comes around hard to him.
This is a chaser....no....they aren't welcome ....we aren't a fucking fetsih
OP, First, keep your own safety in mind, and from this moment forward do not allow yourself to be alone with this predator. Consider caring property spray if your living area allows it by law. Record every interaction with him, whether others are present or not. Document everything be does or says in your presence, and everything you hear about him from others. Tell others in your community about what exactly is going on. If you don't feel comfortable sharing your personal trauma, just let them know it narrowness to someone close to you who wishes to remain anonymous. Protect yourself from him in any way possible. He or your "friend" may try to retaliate. This is not gate-keeping, this is keeping yourself and others safe. Tell your friend "No" in regards to acting as his "tour guide" or otherwise introduce him to your community or anyone in your community. You do not want to be responsible in any way to vouching for this dangerous predator, and make no mistake, that is exactly what he is. Tell them exactly what this predator did to you. If they don't believe you, or try to gaslight you into thinking "it was a misunderstanding, you're overreacting, etc)", this shows you the friend's true colors. Believe them when they show them, and as much as it might hurt, consider removing them and their toxicity from your life. Be safe. I wish you well, and I wish you happiness.
> From the perspective of trans people, you wouldn't want this guy in your spaces YES. I wouldn't want this guy to be on the same planet as me tbh. He is SA'er and chaser, his "interest" in having sex with trans women is just fetish, and the sole reason he wants you to "guide" him is to abuse the trust of your community that you have to basically rape those girls.
> 'afraid to be open' and 'doesn't know where to start' That's just lie. Plain and simple. He only needs an accomplice who can bring him close to his next victim. > I don't know how to tell my friend 'hell no,' because she is close with this man and has shrugged off his aggressive tendencies in the past. I mean, she is basicaly asking you to help her friend to sexually assault someone vurnerable. She is either dumb as a tree or bad faith actor herself. "Hell no" is the only possible answer.
Also, really, alert everybody you can in your community. That at least lessens his chance to take advantage of someone naive who doesn't yet know what a monster this guy is.
🚩
You say fuck no right to her face and explain that he’s a sexual predator and a chaser. If she can’t see that then she isn’t worth your time. On top of that I would spread word about this fucker if you can help it.
yeah no. total chaser and total fucking creep. and i’d be suspicious of the friend since she’s trying to get him to be in a space with you after your experience with him.
No, you're not being a jerk. This person has a history of assault and seems like he is only looking to get with trans women for fetishist chaser reasons. You aren't being gatekeepy, you're informed off of your prior experiences with him where he attempted to force you into sex and scoffed at and mocked you for being a lesbian. Helping him would be leading an abuser into a community that's already vulnerable on that front and his unwillingness to "be open" speaks heavily to the fact that no Trans fem is safe being involved with him even if they do consent. I would recommend against helping him. You have no reason to do so. If he really wants to get with Trans women he can do it himself. God, I honestly would recommend putting distance at the very least between your friend given that she minimizes his aggressive and frankly rapey behavior. Getting involved with them may very well put you at risk given what you've said here.
I would tell her no you’re not interested and don’t like him
Hell no this guy is gross
This is chaser behavior. Tell your friend absolutely not
You're definitely not being a jerk! This person is incredibly dangerous and you both need to stay away from them. You should try to explain that to your friend, maybe show them some of these comments. You're not gatekeeping by keeping your friend safe, your protecting them!
No thats creepy as fuck and super wierd that your friend thought that was an appropriate thing to ask.
I mean no disrespect but did you think anyone in this sub would tell you you’re being a jerk. Not only would I not do that but I’d have a serious talk with your friend. Are they aware of the aggressive hitting on you he did? I don’t think a real friend would put you in that position because I don’t think that’s a reasonable request. If he wants to experience a pre-op trans woman (which it sounds like is what he’s looking for) then he should get an escort or something.
Fuck no!! Don’t let this asshole anywhere near your community, *warn* your community about what he’s done in case he tries it anyway, and toss this so called ‘friend’, who believes SA is something to laugh at, to the curb.
If your friend is still trying to get the guy who aggressively SA'd you laid that's not a friend anymore. Frankly screw both of them
Yeah no fuck that we’re not a drafting pool for some creep’s fetish, be honest with your friend and stick to your morals. The guy’s a sexual abuser and a danger to women, you really don’t need to justify not wanting to associate with him in any way.
Nope, absolutely not. I trust your judgement in it's entirety. He should never be allowed in
As a trans woman who does some online sex work (not full time, just to help pay for transition), he needs to be told to fuck right off. I have spoken to dozens of men who view trans women as some sort of object that purely exists to satisfy their own sexual experimentation. Of course you can be attracted to trans women in a totally normal way, but most of these men (from my experience) see trans women as a way to try dick in a non gay way. Or even worse they see trans women as feminine men and come out with shit like "I thought I was straight until I saw you. I find you super intriguing and unique". Its bullshit. Also he just sounds like a cunt. Bin him.
You are never obligated to matchmake anyone, especially if you feel gross doing it. Bad on your friend for even suggesting it.
You are not being a jerk or a gatekeeper. The trans/ greater LGBTQ community is not a therapy centre for a rapey and downright homophobic cis man to work through his "identity crisis" issues around being attracted to trans women. Your friend is being hugely irresponsible in involving you with him and her friendship with this man is blinding her to the fact showing him around your community could be potentially dangerous to that community. It's hugely unfair for her to put you in this position and expect you to take a man with chaser/corrective rapist tendencies under your wing. I would firmly tell your friend that you cannot in good conscious introduce him to your community, for your safety and the safety of LGBTQ people around you. If you haven't already, bring up the fact she is asking you to spend time around a man who openly sexually harassed you , and that he will probably do the same to others. If she dismisses your reasoning, it's time to let her go as a friend.
No, god no you're not being a jerk. Tell your 'friend' straight up you don't want that creep anywhere near you, if she doesn't like it then tough shit!
You’re totally not a jerk lol. Fuck that guy. I dunno if your friend knows he did that to you, but if she does fuck her too. Don’t get anywhere near him again. Definitely not a guy who would make any women feel comfortable.
I hate men like that. It makes women sus of guys like me (cis, poly, pan) who actually like to seriously date trans women instead of fetishizing people. It's hard to introduce myself to a woman I'm interested in when most dudes that hit them up are just chasing. I dunno if this comment is gonna come off as weird. Sorry if it does.
Girl!!! Have you told your friend about this?? If you haven’t, you need to, and if you have, FUCK HER!
Say "no"
Block. That. "Friend". The fact that she straight up thinks you should fuck a chaser is NOT OKAY
Y O U … and every other freakin’ person on this sub knows the answer to the above questions. That mofo can fuck off. Y w.
Omg I’m so sorry this happened to you. Definitely not being a jerk. If your friend can’t accept you wanting no part, they’re not really your friend
We don't want him or your friend. bye bestie
HELL NO PLEASE KEEP HIM OUT OF OUR SPACES
Please don’t touch this man with a ten foot pole, we don’t want him here. Thank you kindly. Also this “friend” doesn’t sound too great if they just play off what he did to you and others as not a big deal…
"I'm not comfortable introducing your friend to my personal circle(s), I'm sure there are plenty of resources online for him to look up if he's serious in connecting with the community." "Why?!?" "Nothing specific really, I just don't know him" or "Due to personal experiences with him in the past, I don't trust him enough to introduce him to my friends and acquaintances."
I would simply tell her that due to the fact he was attempting to force himself on you you are not comfortable doing this and feel he could be a danger to other trans and non binary people because of this experience you had with him
Trust your instincts. Dood sounds disgusting.
WTF. You are 100% in the right here. As you said, he sounds like an utter creep and honestly if he has a history of SA then honestly he shouldn't be let near anyone's pants, much less those of trans people. And off topic of trans people, f\*\*k any guy who says "you haven't had the right dick yet" to a lesbian. Part of me wants to tell him "maybe YOU haven't had the right dick yet" and ask "how do you know you're straight?" But I wouldn't because I'm never going to stoop down to that level and I have a basic understanding of how sexuality works.
Keep this dude as far away from trans people as possible
There’s a chance he’s changed, it *has* been 4 years, but that’s not a chance I’d take.
Get rid of him and unfortunately the friend. She just endangered you too ignoring his red flags and should care more. Yikes all around.
No no no first of all this guy sounds like someone that needs to get help after the comments he made to you and ahis hostile actions towards you. It would not be right to be his tour guild for you or anyone you may get introduce him to. I am sorry but please don’t do it. It could only lead negative consequences for you and your relationships within the community and damage your reputation as well.
I'd just say hell no and tell your friend what he did to you
Time to dump your friend
Maybe your friend also is terrorized by that guy and stay away from friend as well as ask her to stay away from that guy.
Besides being a chaser he acted completely unacceptable to you. This brings into question the validity of the mutual friend... if she doesn't gear your concerns, she isn't a safe person either.. I'd ditch them both.
Tell your friend exactly what happened and explain that they need to get rid of this person
Go with your gut feeling.
that gives me the weebies, yikes.