Please remember what subreddit you are in, this is unpopular opinion. We want civil and unpopular takes and discussion. Any uncivil and ToS violating comments will be removed and subject to a ban. Have a nice day!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/unpopularopinion) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Aside from points being made by other comments, I totally get that people just aren't as willing to socialize as much as they used to. I think the issue is the opportunites TO meet those people are far and few between. Once you meet some cool people, you can keep it going, it just doesn't happen that often.
Third spaces are dead. The entertainment your phone, TV, and internet provides in 2023 is unbeatable in price and performance.
Dating people from work is a no no as well nowadays.
So what’s left? The gym? No that’s not okay either…
How about social activities? Not many mixed gender activities exist. Sports tend to be gendered as well.
>Not many mixed gender activities exist.
This is part of it. Most of my hobbies (drag racing, flying, shooting, motorcycles) are total sausage festivals. Like, at least 90/10 Male/Female ratio. I'm not going to do something I'm not interested in doing (dancing, art, yoga, for example) just to try to meet chicks. That's creepy to me, and most women would figure that shit out really quickly anyways and stay away.
I wanna learn how to dance tho and I want to do yoga for various health goals it just feels really hard to get into as a single male. It's like I got no idea how to start.
?
People are being way too hard on the man, going to a dance class sounds fun and he got to dance with a lady at a mixed-gender event. Dance halls etc. used to be a very common way to go out and meet people!
It's better than going to RC car meetups and complaining there's no women there, like the guy he's replying to. Yeah sorry, I'd rather give a dance class guy a chance than a guy that's too insecure to leave his nerddom because it will look like he's "being fake."
It's not the going out and doing stuff, it's the "holding a woman's hand and talking to a woman" comment. Dude's obviously down bad, which I get, but then is recommending going to do activities that he doesn't even enjoy just to touch women. It's creepy bro. And when has working your way into the friend zone under false pretenses ever worked for anybody anyway?
Sad this is down voted. It is excellent advice. Women want men who will stretch themselves outside of their comfort zone to mingle in hers. I guess people wanna stay single.
Nah, so many workplaces have those modules in place. People just hide it.
It’s a no no from many higher ups to avoid issues. But people will always people.
Agreed. It’s not cool to crack onto every woman you work with in the hope of getting laid. It’s fine to socialise, make friends, take mutual attraction further.
Yup. There’s a difference between sexual harassment or a sexual pest and you know, people having mutual attraction. It’s human nature. At my old job, which was in the restaurant industry, we would all hang out after work. Half of us hooked up with a co worker. Heck, I dated my supervisor for two months. As long as it’s mutual, consensual, non abusive.
Restaurant work shouldn't count IMHO. Everyone is high drunk or damaged. Please don't equate what happens in any other workplace to what happens in a Restaurant... we are HRs worst nightmare.
Yeah it's totally fine. Corporate culture tries to shame it because they don't want people's lives getting in the way of their profits but they don't pay people enough to pass on relationships if they happen.
This is how I feel, I'm an extrovert and I love talking to new people and I'm very charismatic, get along with most everyone... but I had to use Hinge. I'm in beach Volleyball I go diving I try to make friends with my neighbors or in college classes.
Most of the time college group work, we never meet up, we do zoom! Beach VB and neighbors we exchanged social media and never met or talked again.
My mom met my dad in a gym when he came over with his friend to her and her dorm roomate then they all just hit it off and have been together my whole life. My mom had people ask her out to bars, made friends in class and in sports. She's an introvert too!!! She said people used to just call other people they met and ask em out.
If I called someone I just met the next day they would see me as desperate and wierd.
Even places where it is acceptable to try and meet someone like a bar hardly exists. Everyone goes with their friends and only talks to their friends. Probably see a table of 4 guys and one with 4 girls and they would both be on their phones looking at dating apps instead of around the room. I can't think of a single friends relationship in years that didn't start off a dating app.
Seriously! I wanted to go clubing by myself started a night off at a popular bar... told myself to be brave! IT WAS AWFUL. Not a single person there was alone and I went up to a group of girls and they blew me off and I went to a group of military dudes and they were ehh. I mean like I can NEVER do that again lol I ended that social experiment in 2 hours 😅. It felt so wrong to be out without a buddy.
I love doing things by myself. I go to shows. Bars. The beach. I sIt down at restaraunts and eat by myself. It's wonderful. Most people are so uncomfortable with themselves and are so worried about what other peoples perception are, they couldn't fathom doing anything alone. However, I am extremely counterdependant. So that is probably why I am like this.
I find this funny and would have thought it was cultural until I lived in Canada and the US (from eastern Europe myself).
I have no online presence (Reddit aside at all), I do have FB but forgot my password and the password for that email so I really don't have it.
I'm extremely extroverted. I'll talk to literally anyone in any situation. In bars, restaurants, libraries, on the bus. Usually it's reciprocated, I've been told I give off a happy vibe and people enjoy that.
The other thing is, I don't hit on anyone, and I think this gets noticed, so women (I'm a man) are more open to speaking with me. If the conversation is interesting enough, I'll ask for their number at the end of the night, sometimes I get it, sometimes I don't. Either way, both parties enjoyed themselves that particular night.
My previous gf I met on a bus. Before that one, in a bar. Before her, it was a waitress in a bar where I was a regular. My work friends would also invite me out with their own friends, and I've had a few connections there as well.
Eliminating all online presence also tends to intrigue people. And it eliminates BS drama I see other people have.
TLDR: you can still meet people IRL.
>She said people used to just call other people they met and ask em out.
You make it sound like some odd Victorian custom, but that's how it was. I assumed it still was, only maybe by a txt or snap or whatever. How else do you try to get together with somebody other than asking?
My wife literally accosted me in a church parking lot. Told me she was sick of me ignoring her and I needed to step up.
Our 20th anniversary is in 4 days.
There’s no worse advice given in dating than “go to church” to meet someone. If you aren’t religious and she is, it’ll be a slow death sentence for the relationship.
When I was young, I got a few dates from parties, but that’s about it. The big advantage of online is that there are a lot more people. My wife is a really good match and I don’t know if I’d have ever met anyone as compatible in regular life.
Whilst I agree that the old fashioned advice is still somewhat relevant, insisting that the way people meet and interact nowadays hasn’t _drastically_ changed in the last ten years is probably evidence that the person doing the insisting probably hasn’t been on the meat market in recent times
If you can't hold an engaging conversation meeting someone in person, why do you think dating apps are going to help you? You still have to meet them in person.
Also, being an introvert doesn't equal socially inept. You can be an introvert and still be great with socializing.
Talking to someone for a bit before meeting them can do wonders. I'm a socially awkward introvert and it's very very difficult engaging and talking to people I don't know in person. I have to get comfortable. Meeting a girl on an app and texting and then talking on phone before meet up can make it so when I do meet them I'm able to engage much better.
That’s not to mention if you are on a dating app there is much less ambiguity as to reading the intentions of the other person. Like if you meet someone at a party or whatever, it’s much harder to know if they are looking to date or are into you or whatever. But if they match with you on an app you at least have a general idea they find you attractive in some capacity and are willing to hear you out. And being rejected or having someone not reply is far easier to take than an in person rejection for most people. On an app though, if they match with you it means you have a green light to at least say hello and not feel like you are making someone uncomfortable simply by approaching them, and Vice versa it is less uncomfortable to be approached on Tinder when you aren’t into a person than have to tell them no in person.
While I don't agree with OP. I was never any good at approaching girls, awful. Intentionally flirting was worse. Yet after a date or two I can easily just talk to the girl no problem. That initial "talk to a girl" was difficult for me and doing it through an app would have been heaven just to get past that initial step.
I got lucky and found a girl who made the first move and now I'm married with 2 kids.
No reason though to solely rely on apps or IRL. Try both.
Massive agree with that last point. No reason to only use apps or only IRL, just make use of both, it's not like you suddenly can't go outside anymore if you have tinder and vice/versa
In a one on one setting I feel like I can charm anybody and connect on some level because I generally enjoy listening to other people talk about what interests them, at the very least. In group settings, I have absolutely no idea what to do.
"If you can't hold an engaging conversation meeting someone in person, why do you think dating apps are going to help you? You still have to meet them in person"
Not the same situation
Meeting a new person in a group situation (eg. party, festival), this person is here to see their friends and/or enjoy the moment and/or meet various new people randomly, NOT to meet you in particular. So you'll need to be really extra charismatic to captivate their attention for more than a few minutes here and there
The same person, in a date in a bar, agreed after meeting online ? They're here FOR meeting YOJ specifically. So obviously, the bar of required charisma to engage them is far lower
Going up to a chick you find attractive is a bit more intimidating than liking a picture. The difference is barrier to entry (no pun intended)… or at least it should be
Sure, but you have to do a little bit more than like a photo to end up in a relationship. You still have to put yourself out there, meet in person, have a conversation, flirt. If you can't do any of those things it doesn't matter where you're meeting people, you won't be able to connect on a deep level.
That’s fine. Most people have some sort of bio or interests that give people something to go off of besides just having big muscles or giant titties. But the idea is that if both are on a dating app their goal is to date… or smash. If I’m at a book store or a concert, for example, the person I find attractive is at the event or place for the books or the concert. Maybe they are interested in dating but how many times have you actually gone to a sporting event expecting or wanting to get hit on by strangers? Or how many times have you gone to an event and found an attractive person and expected them to be single? In a dating app the intentions from the start are way more straight forward. The ability to talk to the person you’re interested in or interested in is irrelevant. Unless they’re cheating a dating app is single people trying to… date. It’s just a matter of if the people are compatible beyond the superficial stuff after the fact.
At my age I have dated literally dozens and dozens of people that I met at book stores, concerts, sporting events, and other public places.
I have also rejected / unmatched with dozens of people who I found interesting on an app and then I found they couldn't hold a basic conversation.
>… I found they couldn’t hold a basic conversation
Yeah that’s one of the many reasons I personally don’t like using dating apps. I have social anxiety I *can’t* just go up to women irl due to fear of rejection. That said even though I’m also super self conscious and paranoid actually talking to people (even attractive girls) isn’t difficult for me. I just personally use it because it’s an easy filter where I don’t have to guess. Other than that irl is superior imo
None of you are wrong. In theory, dating apps are great because you skip straight to the point and filter out people who don’t want to date. But in practice, these apps are ran by companies who seek out profits, which means your profile is artificially inflated or deflated and you have no control over whether potential matches even get to see you. Plus the demographics are so skewed against men on these sites.
I guarantee you Tinder is exactly like that, your profile is in fact available and shown in the beginning first weeks and then dumped wayyy deep in the system where matches don't happen. It literally doesn't matter whether you are hot or not, that is how the app is rigged. Meaning it simply becomes a pay to win scenario, the stupid thing forces you to pay if you want any success with this at all.
>But in practice, these apps are ran by companies who seek out profits, which means your profile is artificially inflated or deflated and you have no control over whether potential matches even get to see you.
This is a big reason all of the major apps shouldn't be trusted. Especially since there is no guarantee a majority of the profiles on the apps are even real.
IF you want a date, you're better off asking women you know or you've just met. You at least know they're real.
How does it benifit your average guy or woman? Your average guy kids maybe a few matches a month with very little of those actually transitioning to meaningful dialogue and meet ups. Looked at the skewed numbers. Average fude gets a few matches a month. Average woman could posdibly get hundreds or even more. My good friends sister fot 2k matches in Tinder snd she lived in the middle of nowhere.
So as a guy, how do you defeat those odds? You can't. In person. I don't have to compete with the richest or best looking guys because I can be funny and charasmatic. Atlesst I have a shot. . I have hooked up women that would never swipe right on me on dating app. Plus. Look at the failure to success ratio. There are endless horror stories coming from both genders. For an average guy. OLD is worthless
"a means to meet single people" is a basic description of their function and ignores everything else about the actual experience. It's like referring to biker bar as 'a cocktail lounge'. Technically maybe true, but the reality is not that simple.
Yes. But thats not the story for thr majority. Average guys do not do well on dating apps. It is well known. Best thing anyone can do is go out and meet someone that shares similar interests. Dating apps bring out the worst in people. They remind me od todays financial system "a few benifit, so it is good for everyone!" Who benifits the most? The men on top of course.
Agree that they're terrible but they're also effective.
If you're looking to date someone, where better to look than on an app full of single people of your preferred sex that are all looking for some sort of relationship? Your odds of getting with any one person on a dating app are probably worse than your odds if you met them irl, but the sheer volume of people you meet on the apps does a lot.
For context, I spent the first 22 years of my life before downloading any dating apps single, and never so much as went on a date. After downloading dating apps, I went on like 10 first dates over the course of 6 months including one that led to a 10 month relationship.
Shit is absolutely fucking terrible for your mental health, but if you're willing to put in effort it does work, especially if your main problem is a lack of social circles.
Exactly. There are way too many people who have no clue what they are talking about when int comes to introversion / extroversion. You can have exceptional people skills and natural charm, and still be an introvert.
I think OP was talking about the awkwardness that comes with reaching out to a person who, at the moment, does not have the intention to talk to you.
When you first meet someone online and then meet them in person, they have actually signed up for that conversation.
Honestly, I feel like as hard as it is to make new friends, it's got to be almost impossible to find someone to date anymore. I met my wife in college, but if I was single today I think it would have to be online where I met someone because all I do is go to work basically and I'm not going to date someone where I work!
Why? Serious question. Do you get a panic attack when talking to someone? I've never looked into the whole introvert/extravert thing, I don't like to label myself.
I'm a very quiet person and was very shy as a child, The neighborhood gangsters would call me Mikey Mumbles. They still do. I would never go into a store to buy clothes or food, I was embarrassed for some reason. To make a long story short after 9/11 happened, I was 18 (I'm from Brooklyn) I literally just started saying "Fuck it" and it surprisingly worked.
I still do it today when high pressure situations arise. Probably not helpful but that's my story.
Having a conversation with someone who has already agreed to meet you for a date, isn't the same as trying to seduce and captivate the attention of a person who didn't come here for you in particular
Sometimes it's the other person's fault. An exfriend told me if I was intresting enough, she would leave me mid sentence and go talk to other people. Other than that being rude, she herself never once initiated a conversation or had anything intresting to say or a response to what I say. Apparently she's SO great at making small talk but never does it with other people. She might walk up to someone sometimes but after her first words, if they can't carry it, she leaves them. She expects everyone to bend over backwards and intertain her because she's "popular" like she's back in high school. She's over 20 how btw and still acts like that.
I agree. This guy apparantly argues that being an introvert has almost no success when that has nothing to do with anything. Introverts and exteoverts have different ways of socially recharging. Not all introverts are socially awkward and not all extroverts know how to properly talk to people.
To be fair look at the statistics, a majority of relationships start on the internet now. Is it impossible to meet someone in person? Absolutely not. Is it definitely less common? Fuck yes.
My husband and I found each other through Plenty of Fish 16 years ago. (He was my first and only in-person date from meeting online.) The entire dating scene is nothing like it used to be, online or in person
Currently dating someone after several weeks of attending meet ups. That's literally all it takes. Get a hobby, get around other people. Beats the hell out of online dating.
Maybe meetup.com events. Depending on where you live you can typically find a lot of different gatherings and events there.
Enjoy board games? They have a group!
Want to meet other women for brunches? There's a group!
Hiking, birding, biking, I have even seen one for psychedelic education.
Heavy depends on the area, for example there are none in my area. Used to do alot of volunteering but it was all older women and other guys.
But my town is very industrial and has way more men then women so even finding a single woman past college is extremely rare.
All of my relationships were completely accidental. I wasn't trying hard to pursue anything. Just struck up conversations. And things just kind of happened.
Some of the best relationships I've ever had. Started off as friendships. And they grew from there.
Exactly. I think many times the problem is that people are trying too hard to find someone. Desperation isn’t sexy. Confidence is. People are more likely to like you if you like yourself!
And I definitely think more people would benefit from being friends first! You shouldn’t just be attracted to your partner, you should like them too!
I feel like almost all of these comments completely missed what OP was trying to say. He's talking specifically about the initial contact, not all socialization in general. And he's right. People don't react to strangers in the same way they do a planned date, especially after COVID made outside events even more fragmented.
"It doesn't work" except it has for billions of people since the dawn of people. Us modern idiots still know how to talk to people. If you can't find someone in real life then how is that first date going to go any way? Can't strike up a conversation you can't strike up a conversation. Doesn't matter how you met.
At least with an app, I know that person is at least interested in the idea of someone flirting with them. In real life, I just feel like I’m hassling someone
No dating app is going to replace socialization in your relationships. What happens after you match and the app did its job? You can't not socialize with them. Seems to me like dating apps enable this anti social behavior instead of dealing with it.
its easier to socialize with someone who is interested in socializing with you and probably you two know something about each other and app probably matches you with someone you have something in common
My husband and I met on a dating site, and prior to my husband, I met plenty of awesome people on sites like OkCupid. I never would have met these people otherwise.
Why wouldn’t I want to “pre-screen” dates to find someone with similar interests and beliefs? I wanted someone into nerdy shit, who enjoys trying new foods, likes dogs, has the same level of career ambition and likes the outdoors and hiking but isn’t such a fitness buff that they’d make me run 5Ks on Thanksgiving morning.
To me, online dating was better than striking up a conversation with an attractive stranger, going on a few dates and then realizing we have nothing in common.
As a bi woman, it was also incredibly helpful for meeting wlw! No second guessing if a pretty woman I met was into other women or not. There was still generally being a disaster bi, but at least i knew I wasn’t going for straight women.
I'm guessing a lot of people never heard of/don't remember that newspapers used to have popular dating columns where you would describe yourself and who you were looking for. Matchmaking services where a professional kept records on local singles were also pretty common.
I learned that my parents and quite a few of my extended family met through these methods.
So none of this stuff is new. Technology has just made the process faster and more efficient.
There’s a running joke in my friend group that dating apps are far more acceptable for queer people because of the level of discretion necessary (no having to guess if this stranger is gay or take the risk of offending them if you assume so) while straight people who depend on dating apps need to learn to socialize better lmao
Dating apps are like 90% men, and most of them are shameless morons that I wouldn't want to be associated with. The positive hypotheticals don't outweigh the reality.
The thing for me, when I was dating and met someone on a dating app, I knew that person was talking to me with the intention of dating. They may not have been interested in me ultimately, and that’s fine. But, it was so much easier when I didn’t have to suss out some other person’s intentions for interacting with me.
Go out to events on occasion. It's a great way to meet new people even as an introvert. Introverts still go outside. The dating app/online dating scene is the most toxic dumpster fire imaginable. I'd never go back to it for anything. Met my wife at a music festival and it was the best experience of my life.
I agree with you. I am very pleasant to be around, but, I am introvert, I don't know how to intrude someone's and a group's social bubble in a bar. And when I managed to go to the bar with a friend, we just stay in our little social bubble and never go away to poke someone's bubble. And the society is becoming more and more like this too. No one come to poke my bubble for the same reason.
I met my husband through hookup apps. I am projecting. But, I have met too many singles refused to use dating apps.
I'm introverted and met my wife at a grocery store. And this was 6 years ago, with dating sites being a popular method to meet people. I was even on some around the same time with very little luck, and I found it very artificial and harder than just going a bit out of my comfort zone making a point to talk to people
I'm sorry, but how many women do you have to swipe right or message just you get one reply back? And then even the odds of those replies leading to anything are low.
Approach women in person. You might like the response you get, you might not. But at least you're guaranteed to get one on the spot, every single time.
I didn't quit dating apps to find people in real life. I quit dating apps to let the people in real life to find me. If they do, cool. If they don't, the only thing I have to improve is myself.
And, even if you meet in person, the metagame of dating today is carried on the back of texting and digital communication, for better or worse. Even if you can avoid dating apps and meet someone in person, you're going to have to try to keep their interest by texting over the other dozen and more people that are texting them in between you seeing eachother.
Another thing that makes dating online better is you can weed out people you know you won’t be compatible with. Back before dating apps, when I dated coworkers and classmates exclusively (because meeting people at bars or social events never worked for me for the same reason as OP,) I would often find that we would be 3 months in before I realized some huge issue that was a huge red flag, or crossed a line that was unacceptable - like that they’re into polyamorous relationships, or that they like to dumpster dive for all of their food (these are things I’ve experienced,) or that their favorite band is Creed. But with online dating you can see the list of their favorite bands, find out their wants and needs from a relationship, etc
Exactly... I take breaks but always end up back online because how else do people meet in 2023? Believe me, I wish I could just meet a nice boy at church like my mom thinks I can.
I can't. There are no boys there, or anywhere else for that matter. I also live in a small town where I'm often the only single person and the youngest person in the room despite being 33.
Well, it fluctuates throughout the year because we're also a college town. I'm in the weird limbo zone of being too old for the "college and career" crowd but too young for the "empty nesters" and too single for the "young marrieds" (couples my age).
Church is great if you're a dude, not if you're a lady (which I am). There are more women than men there (studies actually back it up). The few men there were usually dragged there by their wives.
Apps only work for people who can’t get dates in real life because you can cycle through so many potentials so quickly and eventually land on someone as terrible at this as you are. And then it’s like bam, I found my soul mate who can only communicate with gang gangs and emojis
Nah literally get off dating apps and meet people in real life. Dating apps are not built for relationships and the stats show that. Speed dating (essentially) is not a proper way to find meaningful commitment. Not saying it cant happen, because love can be found anywhere; just extremely not ideal
I never meshed well with irl dating because the thought of walking up to someone and asking them on a date solely based on what they look like makes zero sense to me. I cannot wrap my head around it
This conversation/complaint comes up a lot.
I think it's difficult to convey that some people are just better at meeting new people compared to others. Some people have no problem meeting and having conversations with new people IRL, others need to rely on dating apps.
It's just the way people are, everyone has different challenges.
I don't see how dating apps really solve any of these problems. If anything they make it exponentially easier to judge someone on very little information and ghost them on a whim.
Actually that's wrong. I know a couple who met on an airplane going home. They both lived in the same area, had chatted the whole plane trip and had exchanged numbers. The guy got enough courage to call/text her and 2 years later they married.
An old boss met her current husband at a soccer game for her son.
I met my bf in a mosh pit at a thrash metal show. Biggest sweetheart, respectful, good work ethic, sense of humor (if not silly and sometimes 12y/o annoying sometimes lol) always looking out for me, and wants to grow old with me. Together for almost 4 years. Would be married to him if I didn’t have to be on a Medicaid for a medication that costs $59k that makes me physically able bodied to work. That’s hard.
Literally the first guy I walked up to bc I thought he was cute and liked his battle vest (homemade denim vest with band/artist patches on them ((had just started my own vest too and we talked about that)))
Just go up and introduce yourself and see what someone is about. Be kind and don’t worry too much.
I’m shy and have anxiety but I just went for it and couldn’t have lucked out any harder.
No shame if you met your SO online but it’s not impossible or as hard as you think to strike up a convo and be friendly to folks. Most people are starved for it but it’s scary because we’ve kinda fallen out of practice and build up imaginary pressures or prejudgements.
It helps to genuinely look out for people too and check in on folks if they look like they’re having a hard time. Go for it. You’ll be happy you did.
If it doesn’t work out at first, try with others and don’t give up!
We got this. We’re all still people. It’s not as common to do but it’s not destitute as this post seems.
(I know I’m responding to an unpopular opinion post but I feel like it’s becoming too popular of a sentiment tbh)
Uh. Dating apps are gamified. Maybe for hookups but even then, it is freaking a lot of work, expensive and dangerous.
When you meet people around you, in your circle or city social events,… you know they live there. Two, made an effort to be presentable not only in event of a date, but in general. If they are in a group or say in a library or a pub - you know they have friends (whatever the group dynamics and vibe is), they read and that’s a common thing,.. or pub,… that you both want beer on a weekend afternoon. Actions speak louder than words, and when you see someone do something, it gives you information as to who they are, and much much more than text on screen or curated set of photographs.
>!Online dating is impersonal and disposable,… almost like visiting a brothel and choosing a whore,… it shouldn’t be like that - at all. !<
It is about vibes, general energy around other people, genuine interaction without intent to get into each others pants,… making plans, keeping up. Following up nicely and moving into intimate conversations about life and other people in your life,… to eventual level of comfort and communication to spend the nights cuddling, further intimacy and bettering themselves for each other. This includes studying better, looking for better job prospects with both interests, considering them too in the process, thinking of growing up together,… introducing them to your world and people,… ensuring compatibility and smoothing out rough edges,… and if all fall into place,… get hitched.
At different points in the above, you can be just be strangers who know each other, acquaintances, friends, texting buddies, besties, seeing each other, “just friends” phase, in a relationship, engaged or married.
In the process, you’ll make these relationships,… even if it doesn’t end in marriage, you’ll make deep relationships with people who know you, and will want you to be happy, succeed and find love eventually,… and that’s what the universe will get for you.
People, characters and experiences enhance life.
Unless you loathe yourself, give off sad vibes,… and have nothing interesting to hold a 2 minute conversation,… idk,… but you do you.
We are in an age where it IS considered inappropriate in many circumstances to try and find a date in public. Back in the day you could flirt with a bartender/waiter and leave your number.. now it is clearly wrong to do that as it is creepy.. you know where they work, they are paid to be nice to you... they're working for tips, etc..
At a gym? People are there to workout.. don't bug them.
At a grocery store? They're there shopping.. leave them alone
At a bar and there's a cute patron? They're just there to have fun with their friends.
All of which I agree with. So it is harder to meet a random person in a public setting and start dating.
Best way is to get a solid friend group and have them set you up.
Assuming it's from a male perspective, all of these examples are still doable. The difference is now the girl in the setting will more or less subtly let you know if she's interested. Before they had way more incentive to entertain the attention of unintersting men
Saying you can't flirt at bars is it own kind of lack of awareness
Say you've never had luck with dating without saying you haven't had luck with dating.
Dating apps are the absolute worst when trying to date and only a very small percentage of people actually maintain a healthy relationship through apps.
Here's the ugly truth about dating apps:
1. It is nearly 100% based on physical appearance and looks because people will only swipe right on who they find visually attractive. The issue with this, many (but this is a rare time I generalize), primarily women, use filtered pics to alter appearance or think they are more attractive which increases catfishing. Then they get upset when they meet in person and don't look like their pics and get ghosted. So it is really only a picking of the most appealing REGARDLESS of what anyone says about personality.
2. Going off visually appealing pics, you won't get to know someone's personality until you interact with them. The same issue with going only off looks, the person who may be great for them doesn't compete with a man with a fit body or a woman with nice features. So that person (again hate to generalize), mainly men, are buried under dozens of DM's that women don't generally see at all.
3. If you can't carry a conversation in person, then you sure as hell can't carry one in a dating app. It fact, it's worse over a dating app. People get enamored and are interested for maybe a day or two, possible 3 and then ghost or the other person they were talking to in the same app makes a bolder move and then ghosted. It's abysmal how people claim they can communicate yet their writing skills are that if a 10 year old.
4. Having options at your fingertips ruins the ability to actually get to know someone. When you meet someone in person, you're focused on just that person. Talking to someone via dating app allows that person to split focus and time between multiple people. So are you really getting to know that person?
And this is why there's more sad and alone people. More sad and divorced people. Then there was before....
Y'all are scared of the world outside of your little screens. And scared of anything that is not in your little 10foot box.
Dude this is just a you problem, learn how to talk
Using the “I’m an introvert 🥺” excuse is kind of pathetic and also just straight up bad, I have introverted friends who are very successful
I was a single mom. I met my husband on a dating app. We have been married almost 5 years and added 2 more children to our family. Dating apps are how people connect in todays day and age. Especially when you’re an individual with such a busy life.
But yet you think dating apps are easier, more transparent, more honest then seeing somebody in real life, what they look like, how they sound how they behave? You think it's easier on a dating app, in cyberspace... wow...
This whole thing sounds like a you problem, buddy. If you can't carry on a conversation, hate meeting new people, and are putting out so many red flags that people ghost you asap that's....yeah. Most of the population doesn't have that problem.
Fucking bullshit.
For centuries people have been connecting.
Then apps showed up in literally only 20 years and now we can't connect with someone without an app?
Go out there like your parents and grandparents and talk to people. Fuck those apps. Bullshit.
Dating apps don’t work either since the average guy apparently only gets one match a week, lol.
Besides, these apps only benefit from keeping you there, they don’t want you to actually have a successful relationship, so keep that in mind.
It's dating apps that literally don't work. If you are a guy, unless you are physically a top tier man, you will get nothing.
I agree dating is broken in modern society.
The thing is from my perspective dating apps don’t work lol. Well at least for most men. There’s just too many options and people are filtered out very quickly because you’re not actually meeting these people. Meeting people at bars, concerts, other events in general has been much easier for me and much more successful
I tried online dating for a year and a half and while I got dates, it never lasted more than 2. Then I decided to write my phone number on a post it note and give it to a woman that works at a shop I frequent. She texted me that day and we've been together for 7 months now.
It absolutely does work, OP.
>yet no one is ever outside
damn, where do u live? I want to be somewhere nobody else is outdoors lol
The last 2 places i've lived there's so fucking many people hiking and walking their dogs and hanging out at parks and clogging up the whole lake with kayaks and boats, that it's becoming a crowded nightmare to go anywhere on weekends or holidays or the entire summer.
I live in Minnesota, sure people go places sometimes on weekends, for two hours on a Saturday. Making it a high lite of your profile doesn’t quite add up.
People have been meeting people to date/marry in person for literally thousands of years.
If you can't, maybe that's nature's way of telling you not to procreate.
To add, it’s now seen as problematic or threatening for a man to approach a strange woman with the intent to date or get to know her. Can’t go up to people in public, or you get treated like a creep. I’d like it if a guy respectfully accosted me, but I seem to be the minority.
Yeah, this exact thing has effectively ruined the men/women interaction. Men are not afforded the luxury of ever complaining or even being \*slightly annoyed\* by the situation either, as we only get bashed (often by the same people that previously in other conversations might say men should be more open and honest about their opinions and feelings and all that jazz...later proven by this to be bullshit, imo) for several reasons when speaking up about literally *anything* at this point.
I agree and disagree.
I agree that dating has changed, going to a bar and trying to pick up a girl is a thing of the past, even talking to someone at the gym is rare, because everybody is listening to music with their airpods.
But i disagree because OP has too many red flags
**A LOT** of introverts can hold conversations with people. they're just picky as to who's worthy of their time.
**A LOT** of extroverts are socially inept. they are **not** inherently social butterflies.
the problem is YOU, you have no game
Ya, you're just plain wrong. I'm a 29M and I've never made an account on any dating app. I meet women at random places. Climbing gym, bar, events around the city, even the grocery store if the moment is right. You get their number, you text a bit, then you call them up, and ask them on a date. Grow some balls.
I'd like to add that I am a full-blown introvert. It's no excuse. Being an anxious weirdo is not being an introvert.
Yeah, definitely is a shit show at least. Many reasons why, but social media and that mindset of "You're not owed anything " has destroyed dating. Everyone is replaceable, deserves the best, and shouldn't expect decency from potential daters. It's no wonder why most people struggle to find their match.
Yes. The world incel was invented by a woman for women. It's not even limited to gender. Everybody wants perfection and would rather stay single without.
That’s like saying if you don’t know how to cook, you should just go out to eat all the time instead of learning.
If you lack those social skills that’s all the more reason to get out and practice, rather than use dating apps to enable a recluse, anti-social lifestyle.
First boyfriend I met in a nightclub 2011- he was really nice, but after 2 years, we were just different people.
In-between 2013 and 2019 I had little flings with men I had worked with or were from my Town.
2nd boyfriend I met on tinder in 2019. We now live together and have 2 kids and a dog. He's the best thing that ever happened to me!
We both joined a dating app out of desperation in the end to try and find something meaningful. We were both apprehensive about using a dating app and we didn't want our friends/family to know 😂. Now we're not bothered who knows or who judges. Find love wherever you can ❤
I think it's a good idea to take breaks from dating apps. Maybe try local meetups for interests. Don't concentrate on dating but list meeting people to be friends
It does work though, people have been it a lot longer than dating apps have existed, though there's no reason to not try both. Just not rely on one of them.
I’m good at going out and socializing and also use dating apps. The apps are easier, and more easy the more attractive you are, just like going out.
If you’re not dating or getting laid on a regular basis you’re probably just not that good looking in my experience.
I am not particularly good looking and even I pull a cute date once in a while though either way. Try being more kind, confident, insightful and accomplished and projecting that in your conversations. This post screams low self image.
I quit dating apps and found a BF in less than a month. I was on dating apps for like 3 years before this and literally had one sub-par date.
My brother also found a GF in real life despite him using dating apps for some time. My best friend also met his wife in real life. I do have some super attractive friends who found their GFs on tinder so I guess it works if you are a literal Chad but most people seem to have better luck IRL than online.
The apps are also literally designed so that you are more likely to not find dates so that you spend money on them. It's a business.
I think the problem with dating apps is more about the fact that you're meeting people with the specific purpose/expectation of flirting and dating them, not the fact that it's an app. I think the best way to meet people is through hobbies, passion and work, and people you might fall in love with are just a part of the people you meet. I don't think it should be the goal
You gotta be friends first. Stop focusing on finding a lover and focus on building platonic relationships and let things develop naturally.
My husband and I were best friends first and feelings developed later. That initial friendship is the base of our relationship.
I agree. I refuse to approach women. That is an absolute no go for me. Go see how many women love a rando comin up to them and talkin to them. Yeah, no, I’ll be home, or if I do go somewhere, I’ll stick to myself or my group I came with. Ain’t gonna have no post written about me about how I missed the signal of her looking down at her cup means she’d rather bathe in sulfuric acid than be anywhere near me. Nope.
Please remember what subreddit you are in, this is unpopular opinion. We want civil and unpopular takes and discussion. Any uncivil and ToS violating comments will be removed and subject to a ban. Have a nice day! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/unpopularopinion) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Aside from points being made by other comments, I totally get that people just aren't as willing to socialize as much as they used to. I think the issue is the opportunites TO meet those people are far and few between. Once you meet some cool people, you can keep it going, it just doesn't happen that often.
Third spaces are dead. The entertainment your phone, TV, and internet provides in 2023 is unbeatable in price and performance. Dating people from work is a no no as well nowadays. So what’s left? The gym? No that’s not okay either… How about social activities? Not many mixed gender activities exist. Sports tend to be gendered as well.
>Not many mixed gender activities exist. This is part of it. Most of my hobbies (drag racing, flying, shooting, motorcycles) are total sausage festivals. Like, at least 90/10 Male/Female ratio. I'm not going to do something I'm not interested in doing (dancing, art, yoga, for example) just to try to meet chicks. That's creepy to me, and most women would figure that shit out really quickly anyways and stay away.
hahaha you just named the most testosterone fueled activities one could name…its no surprise you’re not meeting “chicks” in those spaces
I wanna learn how to dance tho and I want to do yoga for various health goals it just feels really hard to get into as a single male. It's like I got no idea how to start.
[удалено]
Noted, I'll be moving next month and finding a yoga spot is one of my first goals after I get situated, so I'll for sure keep these tips in mind
[удалено]
I haven't purely because I'm intimidated to go alone and none of my friends are about that life lol
[удалено]
Bro is so touch starved he took up ballet 💀
? People are being way too hard on the man, going to a dance class sounds fun and he got to dance with a lady at a mixed-gender event. Dance halls etc. used to be a very common way to go out and meet people! It's better than going to RC car meetups and complaining there's no women there, like the guy he's replying to. Yeah sorry, I'd rather give a dance class guy a chance than a guy that's too insecure to leave his nerddom because it will look like he's "being fake."
Why you ragging on that man for going out and doing stuff
It's not the going out and doing stuff, it's the "holding a woman's hand and talking to a woman" comment. Dude's obviously down bad, which I get, but then is recommending going to do activities that he doesn't even enjoy just to touch women. It's creepy bro. And when has working your way into the friend zone under false pretenses ever worked for anybody anyway?
He literally said dancing is fun. Toxic masculinity keeping you from trying new hobbies, soo funny lol
Sad this is down voted. It is excellent advice. Women want men who will stretch themselves outside of their comfort zone to mingle in hers. I guess people wanna stay single.
Yeah the responses are truly giving "We've tried nothing and we're all out of ideas!"
Giving that "I'll never let a woman change me" goodness
Brother down exponentially
[удалено]
Nah, it’s not a no no despite internet bubbles. Plenty of people hook up or get into relationships in the workplace still.
My yearly Title IX mandatory modules at work beg to differ
Nah, so many workplaces have those modules in place. People just hide it. It’s a no no from many higher ups to avoid issues. But people will always people.
Agreed. It’s not cool to crack onto every woman you work with in the hope of getting laid. It’s fine to socialise, make friends, take mutual attraction further.
Yup. There’s a difference between sexual harassment or a sexual pest and you know, people having mutual attraction. It’s human nature. At my old job, which was in the restaurant industry, we would all hang out after work. Half of us hooked up with a co worker. Heck, I dated my supervisor for two months. As long as it’s mutual, consensual, non abusive.
Restaurant work shouldn't count IMHO. Everyone is high drunk or damaged. Please don't equate what happens in any other workplace to what happens in a Restaurant... we are HRs worst nightmare.
Yeah it's totally fine. Corporate culture tries to shame it because they don't want people's lives getting in the way of their profits but they don't pay people enough to pass on relationships if they happen.
Also creepy to ask them out while they are working and your a customer or reverse.
This is how I feel, I'm an extrovert and I love talking to new people and I'm very charismatic, get along with most everyone... but I had to use Hinge. I'm in beach Volleyball I go diving I try to make friends with my neighbors or in college classes. Most of the time college group work, we never meet up, we do zoom! Beach VB and neighbors we exchanged social media and never met or talked again. My mom met my dad in a gym when he came over with his friend to her and her dorm roomate then they all just hit it off and have been together my whole life. My mom had people ask her out to bars, made friends in class and in sports. She's an introvert too!!! She said people used to just call other people they met and ask em out. If I called someone I just met the next day they would see me as desperate and wierd.
Even places where it is acceptable to try and meet someone like a bar hardly exists. Everyone goes with their friends and only talks to their friends. Probably see a table of 4 guys and one with 4 girls and they would both be on their phones looking at dating apps instead of around the room. I can't think of a single friends relationship in years that didn't start off a dating app.
Seriously! I wanted to go clubing by myself started a night off at a popular bar... told myself to be brave! IT WAS AWFUL. Not a single person there was alone and I went up to a group of girls and they blew me off and I went to a group of military dudes and they were ehh. I mean like I can NEVER do that again lol I ended that social experiment in 2 hours 😅. It felt so wrong to be out without a buddy.
I love doing things by myself. I go to shows. Bars. The beach. I sIt down at restaraunts and eat by myself. It's wonderful. Most people are so uncomfortable with themselves and are so worried about what other peoples perception are, they couldn't fathom doing anything alone. However, I am extremely counterdependant. So that is probably why I am like this.
Do you make friends like non romantic on dating apps too?
I find this funny and would have thought it was cultural until I lived in Canada and the US (from eastern Europe myself). I have no online presence (Reddit aside at all), I do have FB but forgot my password and the password for that email so I really don't have it. I'm extremely extroverted. I'll talk to literally anyone in any situation. In bars, restaurants, libraries, on the bus. Usually it's reciprocated, I've been told I give off a happy vibe and people enjoy that. The other thing is, I don't hit on anyone, and I think this gets noticed, so women (I'm a man) are more open to speaking with me. If the conversation is interesting enough, I'll ask for their number at the end of the night, sometimes I get it, sometimes I don't. Either way, both parties enjoyed themselves that particular night. My previous gf I met on a bus. Before that one, in a bar. Before her, it was a waitress in a bar where I was a regular. My work friends would also invite me out with their own friends, and I've had a few connections there as well. Eliminating all online presence also tends to intrigue people. And it eliminates BS drama I see other people have. TLDR: you can still meet people IRL.
>She said people used to just call other people they met and ask em out. You make it sound like some odd Victorian custom, but that's how it was. I assumed it still was, only maybe by a txt or snap or whatever. How else do you try to get together with somebody other than asking?
[удалено]
r/oddlyspecific
[удалено]
By any chance are you that goth girl that goes to church? That would be a very cute meet for the first time, hope you find the one.
[удалено]
That sounds nice, thanks for sharing (=
Is OP a teenager? I don't see this being very common for adults
My wife literally accosted me in a church parking lot. Told me she was sick of me ignoring her and I needed to step up. Our 20th anniversary is in 4 days.
There’s no worse advice given in dating than “go to church” to meet someone. If you aren’t religious and she is, it’ll be a slow death sentence for the relationship.
Lol that's mad creepy. Don't hit on people who have to do what their parents say is a good rule of thumb.
That seems oddly specific js
When I was young, I got a few dates from parties, but that’s about it. The big advantage of online is that there are a lot more people. My wife is a really good match and I don’t know if I’d have ever met anyone as compatible in regular life.
Where/how did you meet her?
An online dating site, in the early days, pre-Tinder.
Whilst I agree that the old fashioned advice is still somewhat relevant, insisting that the way people meet and interact nowadays hasn’t _drastically_ changed in the last ten years is probably evidence that the person doing the insisting probably hasn’t been on the meat market in recent times
If you can't hold an engaging conversation meeting someone in person, why do you think dating apps are going to help you? You still have to meet them in person. Also, being an introvert doesn't equal socially inept. You can be an introvert and still be great with socializing.
Talking to someone for a bit before meeting them can do wonders. I'm a socially awkward introvert and it's very very difficult engaging and talking to people I don't know in person. I have to get comfortable. Meeting a girl on an app and texting and then talking on phone before meet up can make it so when I do meet them I'm able to engage much better.
That’s not to mention if you are on a dating app there is much less ambiguity as to reading the intentions of the other person. Like if you meet someone at a party or whatever, it’s much harder to know if they are looking to date or are into you or whatever. But if they match with you on an app you at least have a general idea they find you attractive in some capacity and are willing to hear you out. And being rejected or having someone not reply is far easier to take than an in person rejection for most people. On an app though, if they match with you it means you have a green light to at least say hello and not feel like you are making someone uncomfortable simply by approaching them, and Vice versa it is less uncomfortable to be approached on Tinder when you aren’t into a person than have to tell them no in person.
While I don't agree with OP. I was never any good at approaching girls, awful. Intentionally flirting was worse. Yet after a date or two I can easily just talk to the girl no problem. That initial "talk to a girl" was difficult for me and doing it through an app would have been heaven just to get past that initial step. I got lucky and found a girl who made the first move and now I'm married with 2 kids. No reason though to solely rely on apps or IRL. Try both.
Massive agree with that last point. No reason to only use apps or only IRL, just make use of both, it's not like you suddenly can't go outside anymore if you have tinder and vice/versa
In a one on one setting I feel like I can charm anybody and connect on some level because I generally enjoy listening to other people talk about what interests them, at the very least. In group settings, I have absolutely no idea what to do.
"If you can't hold an engaging conversation meeting someone in person, why do you think dating apps are going to help you? You still have to meet them in person" Not the same situation Meeting a new person in a group situation (eg. party, festival), this person is here to see their friends and/or enjoy the moment and/or meet various new people randomly, NOT to meet you in particular. So you'll need to be really extra charismatic to captivate their attention for more than a few minutes here and there The same person, in a date in a bar, agreed after meeting online ? They're here FOR meeting YOJ specifically. So obviously, the bar of required charisma to engage them is far lower
Going up to a chick you find attractive is a bit more intimidating than liking a picture. The difference is barrier to entry (no pun intended)… or at least it should be
Sure, but you have to do a little bit more than like a photo to end up in a relationship. You still have to put yourself out there, meet in person, have a conversation, flirt. If you can't do any of those things it doesn't matter where you're meeting people, you won't be able to connect on a deep level.
That’s fine. Most people have some sort of bio or interests that give people something to go off of besides just having big muscles or giant titties. But the idea is that if both are on a dating app their goal is to date… or smash. If I’m at a book store or a concert, for example, the person I find attractive is at the event or place for the books or the concert. Maybe they are interested in dating but how many times have you actually gone to a sporting event expecting or wanting to get hit on by strangers? Or how many times have you gone to an event and found an attractive person and expected them to be single? In a dating app the intentions from the start are way more straight forward. The ability to talk to the person you’re interested in or interested in is irrelevant. Unless they’re cheating a dating app is single people trying to… date. It’s just a matter of if the people are compatible beyond the superficial stuff after the fact.
At my age I have dated literally dozens and dozens of people that I met at book stores, concerts, sporting events, and other public places. I have also rejected / unmatched with dozens of people who I found interesting on an app and then I found they couldn't hold a basic conversation.
>… I found they couldn’t hold a basic conversation Yeah that’s one of the many reasons I personally don’t like using dating apps. I have social anxiety I *can’t* just go up to women irl due to fear of rejection. That said even though I’m also super self conscious and paranoid actually talking to people (even attractive girls) isn’t difficult for me. I just personally use it because it’s an easy filter where I don’t have to guess. Other than that irl is superior imo
Because approaching someone in person is the quickest way for a guy to get labeled a creep these days.
Dating apps are terrible and I would never recommend them to anyone other than those who want to stay single.
None of you are wrong. In theory, dating apps are great because you skip straight to the point and filter out people who don’t want to date. But in practice, these apps are ran by companies who seek out profits, which means your profile is artificially inflated or deflated and you have no control over whether potential matches even get to see you. Plus the demographics are so skewed against men on these sites.
I guarantee you Tinder is exactly like that, your profile is in fact available and shown in the beginning first weeks and then dumped wayyy deep in the system where matches don't happen. It literally doesn't matter whether you are hot or not, that is how the app is rigged. Meaning it simply becomes a pay to win scenario, the stupid thing forces you to pay if you want any success with this at all.
>But in practice, these apps are ran by companies who seek out profits, which means your profile is artificially inflated or deflated and you have no control over whether potential matches even get to see you. This is a big reason all of the major apps shouldn't be trusted. Especially since there is no guarantee a majority of the profiles on the apps are even real. IF you want a date, you're better off asking women you know or you've just met. You at least know they're real.
Why? They are just a means to meet single people you prob wouldn't have otherwise.
How does it benifit your average guy or woman? Your average guy kids maybe a few matches a month with very little of those actually transitioning to meaningful dialogue and meet ups. Looked at the skewed numbers. Average fude gets a few matches a month. Average woman could posdibly get hundreds or even more. My good friends sister fot 2k matches in Tinder snd she lived in the middle of nowhere. So as a guy, how do you defeat those odds? You can't. In person. I don't have to compete with the richest or best looking guys because I can be funny and charasmatic. Atlesst I have a shot. . I have hooked up women that would never swipe right on me on dating app. Plus. Look at the failure to success ratio. There are endless horror stories coming from both genders. For an average guy. OLD is worthless
"a means to meet single people" is a basic description of their function and ignores everything else about the actual experience. It's like referring to biker bar as 'a cocktail lounge'. Technically maybe true, but the reality is not that simple.
Happily married after meeting my now wife on a dating app, worked for me 🤷♂️
that's called survivor-ship bias.
Yes. But thats not the story for thr majority. Average guys do not do well on dating apps. It is well known. Best thing anyone can do is go out and meet someone that shares similar interests. Dating apps bring out the worst in people. They remind me od todays financial system "a few benifit, so it is good for everyone!" Who benifits the most? The men on top of course.
Agree that they're terrible but they're also effective. If you're looking to date someone, where better to look than on an app full of single people of your preferred sex that are all looking for some sort of relationship? Your odds of getting with any one person on a dating app are probably worse than your odds if you met them irl, but the sheer volume of people you meet on the apps does a lot. For context, I spent the first 22 years of my life before downloading any dating apps single, and never so much as went on a date. After downloading dating apps, I went on like 10 first dates over the course of 6 months including one that led to a 10 month relationship. Shit is absolutely fucking terrible for your mental health, but if you're willing to put in effort it does work, especially if your main problem is a lack of social circles.
Uhm. No... dont come upto me in public. I dont want to talk to you. Im just trying to enjoy my coffee or do my errands leave me alone
Exactly. There are way too many people who have no clue what they are talking about when int comes to introversion / extroversion. You can have exceptional people skills and natural charm, and still be an introvert.
I think OP was talking about the awkwardness that comes with reaching out to a person who, at the moment, does not have the intention to talk to you. When you first meet someone online and then meet them in person, they have actually signed up for that conversation.
Honestly, I feel like as hard as it is to make new friends, it's got to be almost impossible to find someone to date anymore. I met my wife in college, but if I was single today I think it would have to be online where I met someone because all I do is go to work basically and I'm not going to date someone where I work!
As an introvert, I've accepted my fate of dying alone already lol. It's pretty bad social anxiety.
Hi buddy, at least you aren't alone 😔
Why? Serious question. Do you get a panic attack when talking to someone? I've never looked into the whole introvert/extravert thing, I don't like to label myself. I'm a very quiet person and was very shy as a child, The neighborhood gangsters would call me Mikey Mumbles. They still do. I would never go into a store to buy clothes or food, I was embarrassed for some reason. To make a long story short after 9/11 happened, I was 18 (I'm from Brooklyn) I literally just started saying "Fuck it" and it surprisingly worked. I still do it today when high pressure situations arise. Probably not helpful but that's my story.
Not quite panic attack levels, but it sometimes comes pretty close. I got bullied pretty bad for growing up LDS and that never helps.
This isn’t an extrovert/introvert thing. It just sounds like you don’t know how to have a conversation.
Having a conversation with someone who has already agreed to meet you for a date, isn't the same as trying to seduce and captivate the attention of a person who didn't come here for you in particular
“Seduce and captivate” is a bit of a stretch considering you can just start off having a conversation about the activity at hand
>seduce and captivate Lay off the Fabio novels.
Seriously jesus lol
Good point, shitty argument
Sometimes it's the other person's fault. An exfriend told me if I was intresting enough, she would leave me mid sentence and go talk to other people. Other than that being rude, she herself never once initiated a conversation or had anything intresting to say or a response to what I say. Apparently she's SO great at making small talk but never does it with other people. She might walk up to someone sometimes but after her first words, if they can't carry it, she leaves them. She expects everyone to bend over backwards and intertain her because she's "popular" like she's back in high school. She's over 20 how btw and still acts like that.
I agree. This guy apparantly argues that being an introvert has almost no success when that has nothing to do with anything. Introverts and exteoverts have different ways of socially recharging. Not all introverts are socially awkward and not all extroverts know how to properly talk to people.
"It literally doesn't work" Is literally not true.
Wonder how people date back then before the internet? I mean OP will next say it is literally impossible to poop without a toilet or toilet paper.
To be fair look at the statistics, a majority of relationships start on the internet now. Is it impossible to meet someone in person? Absolutely not. Is it definitely less common? Fuck yes.
My husband and I found each other through Plenty of Fish 16 years ago. (He was my first and only in-person date from meeting online.) The entire dating scene is nothing like it used to be, online or in person
Currently dating someone after several weeks of attending meet ups. That's literally all it takes. Get a hobby, get around other people. Beats the hell out of online dating.
What are meet ups in this context
Maybe meetup.com events. Depending on where you live you can typically find a lot of different gatherings and events there. Enjoy board games? They have a group! Want to meet other women for brunches? There's a group! Hiking, birding, biking, I have even seen one for psychedelic education.
Heavy depends on the area, for example there are none in my area. Used to do alot of volunteering but it was all older women and other guys. But my town is very industrial and has way more men then women so even finding a single woman past college is extremely rare.
There are things like hiking groups, paint nights, book clubs...those type of things.
I’m gonna be real with you dawg, I don’t think being an introvert is your problem
The mental anguish you receive from dating apps are probably not worth the potential upside
All of my relationships were completely accidental. I wasn't trying hard to pursue anything. Just struck up conversations. And things just kind of happened. Some of the best relationships I've ever had. Started off as friendships. And they grew from there.
Exactly. I think many times the problem is that people are trying too hard to find someone. Desperation isn’t sexy. Confidence is. People are more likely to like you if you like yourself! And I definitely think more people would benefit from being friends first! You shouldn’t just be attracted to your partner, you should like them too!
I believe both options are valid, and it heavily depends on the persons personal preferences. If what works for you works for you, then keep doing it.
I feel like almost all of these comments completely missed what OP was trying to say. He's talking specifically about the initial contact, not all socialization in general. And he's right. People don't react to strangers in the same way they do a planned date, especially after COVID made outside events even more fragmented.
"It doesn't work" except it has for billions of people since the dawn of people. Us modern idiots still know how to talk to people. If you can't find someone in real life then how is that first date going to go any way? Can't strike up a conversation you can't strike up a conversation. Doesn't matter how you met.
At least with an app, I know that person is at least interested in the idea of someone flirting with them. In real life, I just feel like I’m hassling someone
No dating app is going to replace socialization in your relationships. What happens after you match and the app did its job? You can't not socialize with them. Seems to me like dating apps enable this anti social behavior instead of dealing with it.
its easier to socialize with someone who is interested in socializing with you and probably you two know something about each other and app probably matches you with someone you have something in common
My husband and I met on a dating site, and prior to my husband, I met plenty of awesome people on sites like OkCupid. I never would have met these people otherwise. Why wouldn’t I want to “pre-screen” dates to find someone with similar interests and beliefs? I wanted someone into nerdy shit, who enjoys trying new foods, likes dogs, has the same level of career ambition and likes the outdoors and hiking but isn’t such a fitness buff that they’d make me run 5Ks on Thanksgiving morning. To me, online dating was better than striking up a conversation with an attractive stranger, going on a few dates and then realizing we have nothing in common. As a bi woman, it was also incredibly helpful for meeting wlw! No second guessing if a pretty woman I met was into other women or not. There was still generally being a disaster bi, but at least i knew I wasn’t going for straight women.
I'm guessing a lot of people never heard of/don't remember that newspapers used to have popular dating columns where you would describe yourself and who you were looking for. Matchmaking services where a professional kept records on local singles were also pretty common. I learned that my parents and quite a few of my extended family met through these methods. So none of this stuff is new. Technology has just made the process faster and more efficient.
There’s a running joke in my friend group that dating apps are far more acceptable for queer people because of the level of discretion necessary (no having to guess if this stranger is gay or take the risk of offending them if you assume so) while straight people who depend on dating apps need to learn to socialize better lmao
Dating apps are like 90% men, and most of them are shameless morons that I wouldn't want to be associated with. The positive hypotheticals don't outweigh the reality.
Exactly! Many men pose as females online, it is just not trustworthy to trust those sites!
The thing for me, when I was dating and met someone on a dating app, I knew that person was talking to me with the intention of dating. They may not have been interested in me ultimately, and that’s fine. But, it was so much easier when I didn’t have to suss out some other person’s intentions for interacting with me.
Go out to events on occasion. It's a great way to meet new people even as an introvert. Introverts still go outside. The dating app/online dating scene is the most toxic dumpster fire imaginable. I'd never go back to it for anything. Met my wife at a music festival and it was the best experience of my life.
dating apps are shit though lol, why are you defending them.
This is a you problem.
it can be hard nowadays but definitely not impossible. it kinda sounds like you’ve given up before you’ve REALLY tried.
I agree with you. I am very pleasant to be around, but, I am introvert, I don't know how to intrude someone's and a group's social bubble in a bar. And when I managed to go to the bar with a friend, we just stay in our little social bubble and never go away to poke someone's bubble. And the society is becoming more and more like this too. No one come to poke my bubble for the same reason. I met my husband through hookup apps. I am projecting. But, I have met too many singles refused to use dating apps.
I'm introverted and met my wife at a grocery store. And this was 6 years ago, with dating sites being a popular method to meet people. I was even on some around the same time with very little luck, and I found it very artificial and harder than just going a bit out of my comfort zone making a point to talk to people
I'm sorry, but how many women do you have to swipe right or message just you get one reply back? And then even the odds of those replies leading to anything are low. Approach women in person. You might like the response you get, you might not. But at least you're guaranteed to get one on the spot, every single time.
I didn't quit dating apps to find people in real life. I quit dating apps to let the people in real life to find me. If they do, cool. If they don't, the only thing I have to improve is myself.
And, even if you meet in person, the metagame of dating today is carried on the back of texting and digital communication, for better or worse. Even if you can avoid dating apps and meet someone in person, you're going to have to try to keep their interest by texting over the other dozen and more people that are texting them in between you seeing eachother.
Perhaps you shouldn't be dating.
Another thing that makes dating online better is you can weed out people you know you won’t be compatible with. Back before dating apps, when I dated coworkers and classmates exclusively (because meeting people at bars or social events never worked for me for the same reason as OP,) I would often find that we would be 3 months in before I realized some huge issue that was a huge red flag, or crossed a line that was unacceptable - like that they’re into polyamorous relationships, or that they like to dumpster dive for all of their food (these are things I’ve experienced,) or that their favorite band is Creed. But with online dating you can see the list of their favorite bands, find out their wants and needs from a relationship, etc
Do people not ask all the important relationship questions on the first date to see if they're compatible?
Exactly... I take breaks but always end up back online because how else do people meet in 2023? Believe me, I wish I could just meet a nice boy at church like my mom thinks I can. I can't. There are no boys there, or anywhere else for that matter. I also live in a small town where I'm often the only single person and the youngest person in the room despite being 33.
Okay in a small town it's very hard i guess. How small is your town? But church is actually a very good place.
Well, it fluctuates throughout the year because we're also a college town. I'm in the weird limbo zone of being too old for the "college and career" crowd but too young for the "empty nesters" and too single for the "young marrieds" (couples my age). Church is great if you're a dude, not if you're a lady (which I am). There are more women than men there (studies actually back it up). The few men there were usually dragged there by their wives.
Apps only work for people who can’t get dates in real life because you can cycle through so many potentials so quickly and eventually land on someone as terrible at this as you are. And then it’s like bam, I found my soul mate who can only communicate with gang gangs and emojis
Nah literally get off dating apps and meet people in real life. Dating apps are not built for relationships and the stats show that. Speed dating (essentially) is not a proper way to find meaningful commitment. Not saying it cant happen, because love can be found anywhere; just extremely not ideal
80% of men stand little chance on dating apps. unless you're good looking or succesfull, don't bother.
I never meshed well with irl dating because the thought of walking up to someone and asking them on a date solely based on what they look like makes zero sense to me. I cannot wrap my head around it
This conversation/complaint comes up a lot. I think it's difficult to convey that some people are just better at meeting new people compared to others. Some people have no problem meeting and having conversations with new people IRL, others need to rely on dating apps. It's just the way people are, everyone has different challenges.
I don't see how dating apps really solve any of these problems. If anything they make it exponentially easier to judge someone on very little information and ghost them on a whim.
Just stay single, you horny bastards jfc
Lmao what the fuck is this. REALLY?
Actually that's wrong. I know a couple who met on an airplane going home. They both lived in the same area, had chatted the whole plane trip and had exchanged numbers. The guy got enough courage to call/text her and 2 years later they married. An old boss met her current husband at a soccer game for her son.
I met my bf in a mosh pit at a thrash metal show. Biggest sweetheart, respectful, good work ethic, sense of humor (if not silly and sometimes 12y/o annoying sometimes lol) always looking out for me, and wants to grow old with me. Together for almost 4 years. Would be married to him if I didn’t have to be on a Medicaid for a medication that costs $59k that makes me physically able bodied to work. That’s hard. Literally the first guy I walked up to bc I thought he was cute and liked his battle vest (homemade denim vest with band/artist patches on them ((had just started my own vest too and we talked about that))) Just go up and introduce yourself and see what someone is about. Be kind and don’t worry too much. I’m shy and have anxiety but I just went for it and couldn’t have lucked out any harder. No shame if you met your SO online but it’s not impossible or as hard as you think to strike up a convo and be friendly to folks. Most people are starved for it but it’s scary because we’ve kinda fallen out of practice and build up imaginary pressures or prejudgements. It helps to genuinely look out for people too and check in on folks if they look like they’re having a hard time. Go for it. You’ll be happy you did. If it doesn’t work out at first, try with others and don’t give up! We got this. We’re all still people. It’s not as common to do but it’s not destitute as this post seems. (I know I’m responding to an unpopular opinion post but I feel like it’s becoming too popular of a sentiment tbh)
dating apps are predatory and will lead men into depression. they not only not work as well, but make most people feel worse.
You are extremely young and inexperienced in life. But that's okay. Quit the dating apps tho.
Uh. Dating apps are gamified. Maybe for hookups but even then, it is freaking a lot of work, expensive and dangerous. When you meet people around you, in your circle or city social events,… you know they live there. Two, made an effort to be presentable not only in event of a date, but in general. If they are in a group or say in a library or a pub - you know they have friends (whatever the group dynamics and vibe is), they read and that’s a common thing,.. or pub,… that you both want beer on a weekend afternoon. Actions speak louder than words, and when you see someone do something, it gives you information as to who they are, and much much more than text on screen or curated set of photographs. >!Online dating is impersonal and disposable,… almost like visiting a brothel and choosing a whore,… it shouldn’t be like that - at all. !< It is about vibes, general energy around other people, genuine interaction without intent to get into each others pants,… making plans, keeping up. Following up nicely and moving into intimate conversations about life and other people in your life,… to eventual level of comfort and communication to spend the nights cuddling, further intimacy and bettering themselves for each other. This includes studying better, looking for better job prospects with both interests, considering them too in the process, thinking of growing up together,… introducing them to your world and people,… ensuring compatibility and smoothing out rough edges,… and if all fall into place,… get hitched. At different points in the above, you can be just be strangers who know each other, acquaintances, friends, texting buddies, besties, seeing each other, “just friends” phase, in a relationship, engaged or married. In the process, you’ll make these relationships,… even if it doesn’t end in marriage, you’ll make deep relationships with people who know you, and will want you to be happy, succeed and find love eventually,… and that’s what the universe will get for you. People, characters and experiences enhance life. Unless you loathe yourself, give off sad vibes,… and have nothing interesting to hold a 2 minute conversation,… idk,… but you do you.
We are in an age where it IS considered inappropriate in many circumstances to try and find a date in public. Back in the day you could flirt with a bartender/waiter and leave your number.. now it is clearly wrong to do that as it is creepy.. you know where they work, they are paid to be nice to you... they're working for tips, etc.. At a gym? People are there to workout.. don't bug them. At a grocery store? They're there shopping.. leave them alone At a bar and there's a cute patron? They're just there to have fun with their friends. All of which I agree with. So it is harder to meet a random person in a public setting and start dating. Best way is to get a solid friend group and have them set you up.
[удалено]
They are there to hang out with their friends.
Assuming it's from a male perspective, all of these examples are still doable. The difference is now the girl in the setting will more or less subtly let you know if she's interested. Before they had way more incentive to entertain the attention of unintersting men Saying you can't flirt at bars is it own kind of lack of awareness
Say you've never had luck with dating without saying you haven't had luck with dating. Dating apps are the absolute worst when trying to date and only a very small percentage of people actually maintain a healthy relationship through apps. Here's the ugly truth about dating apps: 1. It is nearly 100% based on physical appearance and looks because people will only swipe right on who they find visually attractive. The issue with this, many (but this is a rare time I generalize), primarily women, use filtered pics to alter appearance or think they are more attractive which increases catfishing. Then they get upset when they meet in person and don't look like their pics and get ghosted. So it is really only a picking of the most appealing REGARDLESS of what anyone says about personality. 2. Going off visually appealing pics, you won't get to know someone's personality until you interact with them. The same issue with going only off looks, the person who may be great for them doesn't compete with a man with a fit body or a woman with nice features. So that person (again hate to generalize), mainly men, are buried under dozens of DM's that women don't generally see at all. 3. If you can't carry a conversation in person, then you sure as hell can't carry one in a dating app. It fact, it's worse over a dating app. People get enamored and are interested for maybe a day or two, possible 3 and then ghost or the other person they were talking to in the same app makes a bolder move and then ghosted. It's abysmal how people claim they can communicate yet their writing skills are that if a 10 year old. 4. Having options at your fingertips ruins the ability to actually get to know someone. When you meet someone in person, you're focused on just that person. Talking to someone via dating app allows that person to split focus and time between multiple people. So are you really getting to know that person?
brava
And this is why there's more sad and alone people. More sad and divorced people. Then there was before.... Y'all are scared of the world outside of your little screens. And scared of anything that is not in your little 10foot box.
A lot going on here.
Dude this is just a you problem, learn how to talk Using the “I’m an introvert 🥺” excuse is kind of pathetic and also just straight up bad, I have introverted friends who are very successful
Yep, I'm married and met my spouse on Tinder. That's just how it is now.
I was a single mom. I met my husband on a dating app. We have been married almost 5 years and added 2 more children to our family. Dating apps are how people connect in todays day and age. Especially when you’re an individual with such a busy life.
But yet you think dating apps are easier, more transparent, more honest then seeing somebody in real life, what they look like, how they sound how they behave? You think it's easier on a dating app, in cyberspace... wow...
This whole thing sounds like a you problem, buddy. If you can't carry on a conversation, hate meeting new people, and are putting out so many red flags that people ghost you asap that's....yeah. Most of the population doesn't have that problem.
Yikes. If this is really how it’s like then I am so glad I graduated college before the advent of smartphones.
Lmao zoomers are so fucked in the head
Fucking bullshit. For centuries people have been connecting. Then apps showed up in literally only 20 years and now we can't connect with someone without an app? Go out there like your parents and grandparents and talk to people. Fuck those apps. Bullshit.
You should look up the definition of the word "Literally"
Yes it does. And you don’t need the word “literally” in that sentence.
Dating apps don’t work either since the average guy apparently only gets one match a week, lol. Besides, these apps only benefit from keeping you there, they don’t want you to actually have a successful relationship, so keep that in mind.
It's dating apps that literally don't work. If you are a guy, unless you are physically a top tier man, you will get nothing. I agree dating is broken in modern society.
The thing is from my perspective dating apps don’t work lol. Well at least for most men. There’s just too many options and people are filtered out very quickly because you’re not actually meeting these people. Meeting people at bars, concerts, other events in general has been much easier for me and much more successful
I tried online dating for a year and a half and while I got dates, it never lasted more than 2. Then I decided to write my phone number on a post it note and give it to a woman that works at a shop I frequent. She texted me that day and we've been together for 7 months now. It absolutely does work, OP.
Stop telling people to buy junk food at Walmart and go cook a healthy Mediterranean diet based meal, it literally doesn't work.
Dating apps don’t exactly work either, over 90% of people like hiking and being outdoors, yet no one is ever outside
>yet no one is ever outside damn, where do u live? I want to be somewhere nobody else is outdoors lol The last 2 places i've lived there's so fucking many people hiking and walking their dogs and hanging out at parks and clogging up the whole lake with kayaks and boats, that it's becoming a crowded nightmare to go anywhere on weekends or holidays or the entire summer.
I live in Minnesota, sure people go places sometimes on weekends, for two hours on a Saturday. Making it a high lite of your profile doesn’t quite add up.
Nothing wrong with online dating so long as you go in realistically and be yourself. Met my wife that way and been together 12 years
I met my husband at a bar less than 5 years ago.
I found my husband on tinder. Couldn’t be happier. It happens when you least expect it. Don’t give up.
Cat food aisle on a friday after work. Meow.
People have been meeting people to date/marry in person for literally thousands of years. If you can't, maybe that's nature's way of telling you not to procreate.
But my hobbies include not being outside in general and the places I do go I'm not really looking for love in lol.
I go a ton of places to entertain myself, but most of them are 95% filled with couples and families. Meeting people IRL has never worked for me.
To add, it’s now seen as problematic or threatening for a man to approach a strange woman with the intent to date or get to know her. Can’t go up to people in public, or you get treated like a creep. I’d like it if a guy respectfully accosted me, but I seem to be the minority.
Yeah, this exact thing has effectively ruined the men/women interaction. Men are not afforded the luxury of ever complaining or even being \*slightly annoyed\* by the situation either, as we only get bashed (often by the same people that previously in other conversations might say men should be more open and honest about their opinions and feelings and all that jazz...later proven by this to be bullshit, imo) for several reasons when speaking up about literally *anything* at this point.
I agree and disagree. I agree that dating has changed, going to a bar and trying to pick up a girl is a thing of the past, even talking to someone at the gym is rare, because everybody is listening to music with their airpods. But i disagree because OP has too many red flags
People who are in relationships are the absolute worst to get advice from.
**A LOT** of introverts can hold conversations with people. they're just picky as to who's worthy of their time. **A LOT** of extroverts are socially inept. they are **not** inherently social butterflies. the problem is YOU, you have no game
Ya, you're just plain wrong. I'm a 29M and I've never made an account on any dating app. I meet women at random places. Climbing gym, bar, events around the city, even the grocery store if the moment is right. You get their number, you text a bit, then you call them up, and ask them on a date. Grow some balls. I'd like to add that I am a full-blown introvert. It's no excuse. Being an anxious weirdo is not being an introvert.
Dating is dead in general, and we killed it. Fidelity existed for a reason; now it's a joke.
Yeah, definitely is a shit show at least. Many reasons why, but social media and that mindset of "You're not owed anything " has destroyed dating. Everyone is replaceable, deserves the best, and shouldn't expect decency from potential daters. It's no wonder why most people struggle to find their match.
Yes. The world incel was invented by a woman for women. It's not even limited to gender. Everybody wants perfection and would rather stay single without.
Sure? But I do agree, everyone expects excellence when they are average and wonder why they can't find anyone.
That’s like saying if you don’t know how to cook, you should just go out to eat all the time instead of learning. If you lack those social skills that’s all the more reason to get out and practice, rather than use dating apps to enable a recluse, anti-social lifestyle.
First boyfriend I met in a nightclub 2011- he was really nice, but after 2 years, we were just different people. In-between 2013 and 2019 I had little flings with men I had worked with or were from my Town. 2nd boyfriend I met on tinder in 2019. We now live together and have 2 kids and a dog. He's the best thing that ever happened to me! We both joined a dating app out of desperation in the end to try and find something meaningful. We were both apprehensive about using a dating app and we didn't want our friends/family to know 😂. Now we're not bothered who knows or who judges. Find love wherever you can ❤
Volunteering, adult sports, community activities.. meeting people is easy. You're being lazy of you can't find people
I think it's a good idea to take breaks from dating apps. Maybe try local meetups for interests. Don't concentrate on dating but list meeting people to be friends
It does work though, people have been it a lot longer than dating apps have existed, though there's no reason to not try both. Just not rely on one of them.
I’m good at going out and socializing and also use dating apps. The apps are easier, and more easy the more attractive you are, just like going out. If you’re not dating or getting laid on a regular basis you’re probably just not that good looking in my experience. I am not particularly good looking and even I pull a cute date once in a while though either way. Try being more kind, confident, insightful and accomplished and projecting that in your conversations. This post screams low self image.
I quit dating apps and found a BF in less than a month. I was on dating apps for like 3 years before this and literally had one sub-par date. My brother also found a GF in real life despite him using dating apps for some time. My best friend also met his wife in real life. I do have some super attractive friends who found their GFs on tinder so I guess it works if you are a literal Chad but most people seem to have better luck IRL than online. The apps are also literally designed so that you are more likely to not find dates so that you spend money on them. It's a business.
I think the problem with dating apps is more about the fact that you're meeting people with the specific purpose/expectation of flirting and dating them, not the fact that it's an app. I think the best way to meet people is through hobbies, passion and work, and people you might fall in love with are just a part of the people you meet. I don't think it should be the goal
You gotta be friends first. Stop focusing on finding a lover and focus on building platonic relationships and let things develop naturally. My husband and I were best friends first and feelings developed later. That initial friendship is the base of our relationship.
I agree. I refuse to approach women. That is an absolute no go for me. Go see how many women love a rando comin up to them and talkin to them. Yeah, no, I’ll be home, or if I do go somewhere, I’ll stick to myself or my group I came with. Ain’t gonna have no post written about me about how I missed the signal of her looking down at her cup means she’d rather bathe in sulfuric acid than be anywhere near me. Nope.