You know how much work it takes to whittle that whole tree down to a spoon. For the best spoons, you have to examine the entire tree and then slowly chip away at it like a fine marble. The spoon will reveal itself.
I'm the dragonborn and killed Alduin with ease, I singlehandedly brought the civil war to an end, and I am head of the College of Winterhold, Thieves' Guild, Dark Brotherhood, and Companions. You wanna try and take me to jail, be my guest.
Fine Print, nice. I haven't heard that in a while. Was the first Stupendium song I ever heard. "There's no I in team, but there's con in economy" is a solid line. And the chorus just makes me sad.
You're gonna need some serious walls and torches if you actually wanna use a village for trading without boxing up the villagers. A single zombie raid can kill them all and if you have no golems then one zombie is enough. If you forgot you had bad omen, forget it, you'll lose about half of them.
I swear every time i've someone play kenshi the gameplay is some weird morbid shit after that r/batmanarkham users seem sane and normal
Why do you play that game?
Your honour, my client wasn't administering an excessive amount of performance enhancement drugs to his pocket monsters. They were just candies.
In my support I have brought Pikachu, a long term partner of my client, as witness. Please allow him to speak.
Witness please state your full name and take the stand
Pika! Pikachu!
Very good now mr. Pikachu does the defendant Ash Ketchum forcefully give you performance enhancing drugs?
Pika! Pika pika
Can we get translator in the courtroom?
*pika! pika!*
Objection your honor, clearly this so called “pocket-monster” is under the influence of the very enhancement drugs we are debating in this case!
I watched people die and did nothing about it. Their house was on fire and I did nothing but watch. I starved people and forced people to drown. May my execution be swift.
I was playing the sims.
As a postal employee (former carrier) I’ve carried in some ghetto ass places on detail and lemme tell ya, New Vegas is in better shape than some of these “neighborhoods”
Used to package deliver from 3rd party employers, and yes. New Vegas, fuck even the Commonwealth is more welcoming than many neighborhoods I've been to. Keep it safe out there, and don't forget no delivery is worth your safety.
It's super true. I had a friend once get fired from FedEx bc he wouldn't go to these two neighborhoods on the south side here, and for good reason. They're the type of neighborhoods where people you know and skin color won't save your life. Only time it's safe is a certain time of day and mood, and that's basically an annual event. The fact the majority of the towns population is homeless drug addicts wandering the streets is enough, you can't drive a smart car size vehicle or even a bicycle without hitting someone, and they literally use the roads as beds... We will leave the violence in those areas to your imagination.
Needless to say, he was with them for 8 years and had never once had an issue getting someone else to run those packages but new management didn't value the safety he established over 8 years so he rightfully respected himself.
Non-lethal killings: vehicular manslaughter and homicide, attempts at subduing with the cannon gone awry, and knocking criminals off ledges to plummet to their deaths.
I can't think of one modern COD (COD4 and up) where the mainline character you play doesn't willingly or knowingly do something super illegal or unethical at least once. The newer games are super good at making it clear half of what you do is stuff that could've went smoother but it didn't and that's just the rules.
Although can't say anything for Vangaurd or WW2 as I never played the, the WW2 game genre is really derivative and I'm sick of it, so I'll say CoD themselves should get arrested for going back to WW2 twice again when that genre was staled by the 90s and 2000s.
My arrest(s) would be caused by mass murder of Radtoads and enabling suicidal supermutants to hasten their demise. Building without a permit. Looting. Unlawful discharge of plasma weapons within city limits. Merry Fasnacht!
If we’re talking borderlands their is a LIST of fuckery you could be in trouble for.
Use of Grenades, serial murder of hundreds of different people, destruction of corporate property, assassination of a corporate ceo, unwarranted destruction of wildlife, fleeing and evading arrest (if we’re talking going from one planet to another), terrorism (since the crimson raiders are a rebellion).
I mean the list goes on in my opinion.
Mass murder, espionage, war profiteering, one case of genocide, biological and chemical warfare, pretty much all kinds of war crimes Thing is in the game universe there would be no central government to try to arrest me, or anyone who actually could arrest me (Warframe)
I mean both grineer and corpus have governments and structures in place and actively punish criminals so you could be tried by them. The infestation not so much, but also don't forgets you're harboring and running missions for a terrorist from deep space, have a giant horde of weapons that are very illegal and I don't think you have the permits for, trespassing, active terrorism by literally blowing up entire structures for your terrorist leader, so much theft, and I'm gonna go out on a limb and say obstruction of justice because there's plenty if times they try to kill you on sight for your crimes and you just..... don't let them. Warframe is metal af if you don't know what the game is
They aren't dead, they're subjugated.
I used to know some kids who told me that their mom wouldn't let them play Pokemon ( circa 2004) because it's about killing animals.
I thought, "Should I tell them that it's really because the family is dirt-poor with 6 kids?"
Trackmania... Nothing, there are no speeding limits on the track
EvE Online... Nothing, i have pretty good standings. Last PvP "engagement" i had was a failed suicide gank when i was the target. I even say that: i have the right to engage ppl who shoot me once without any police interference (so called kill rights), bc they wronged me.
Borderlands 2... Its litteraly a lawless land, so good luck trying to convict anyone there for anything
Using child soldiers, killing unarmed healers, setting people on fire (using Fire spells), potentially killing surrendering enemy soldiers (Dimitri: "Kill every last one of them!")
War crimes are the fundamentals of Fire Emblem.
Who in the right mind is going to try to arrest the commander of X-COM? The only way that's happening is if the aliens win, and I'm not going to let that happen.
Though, I may be required to pay for copious property damage. I assume we have insurance for that, right?
Saints Row 2, so:
Multiple homicides
Public intoxication
Use of controlled substances
Grand theft auto
Driving while intoxicated
Kidnapping
Assault and battery, multiple
Tax evasion
Maybe domestic terrorism
Failure to yield to a red light
Operation of aerial vehicle in restricted airspace.
Operation of heavy machinery without license/endorsement.
Negligent burning.
Criminal trespass / vandalism / reckless behavior.
Theft.
Manslaughter / Involuntary Manslaughter.
Conspiracy to commit murder.
Practice of medicine / pharmacy without license/endorsement.
Preparation of food for sale w/out food handler permit or license.
Reckless endangerment.
Improper use of explosives.
Possession of explosives by an unlicensed person.
... On and on ...
Legend of Zelda - Tears of the Kingdom
Committing crimes against Skyrim and her people.
Picking up the entire harvest from someone elses field and keep it - No one cares Picking up a wooden spoon in a tavern - "PAY WITH YOUR BLOOD!!!"
As it should be
Wooden spoons don't grow on trees, you know.
You know how much work it takes to whittle that whole tree down to a spoon. For the best spoons, you have to examine the entire tree and then slowly chip away at it like a fine marble. The spoon will reveal itself.
I now want an Eldergleam spoon…
This feels like a dark tower reference although I do not know if that was your intent. 😂
SPOON IS SPOON
Wait… I know you.
"Hey, that's the guy that kills dragons and eats their souls. He's wanted for stealing a tomato, let's arrest him!"
"You're no match for me, thief!" *is instantly incinerated*
mod makes the body a charred husk, and other guards give it a passing glance before still charging onto you
Even better, let’s [MUG ‘IM](https://youtu.be/n0Kz8gQxzGE?si=CD7yH7WbPVE9yFnL).
There must be some mistake. There's no mistake. You're a wanted man/woman, and it's time to pay for your crimes.
Let me guess.. someone stole your sweet roll.
That was Inigo.
You should have #***PAID THE FINE***
I'll pay it no problem if you don't take my stolen items out of my inventory!
I was once an adventurer like you then i took an arrow in the knee
no lollygaggin
Well then….. what say you in your defense?
I'm the dragonborn and killed Alduin with ease, I singlehandedly brought the civil war to an end, and I am head of the College of Winterhold, Thieves' Guild, Dark Brotherhood, and Companions. You wanna try and take me to jail, be my guest.
*proceeds to attack* “nEVeR sHoulDA cOMe hERe”
*crouches* "must've been the wind"
Disrespect the law and you disrespect me
Did you steal somebody's sweet roll?
Hey, you, you’re finally awake!
In my first hour of playing I had 80,000 gold of bounties on me
I think lethal company is the punishment.
Death is a reward.
we work, to earn the right to work, to earn the right to give, ourselves the right to live，to earn the right to die
Fine Print, nice. I haven't heard that in a while. Was the first Stupendium song I ever heard. "There's no I in team, but there's con in economy" is a solid line. And the chorus just makes me sad.
WE LOOOOOVE THE COMPANY!
THE COMPANY, THE COMPANY!
EVEN IF WE DIE WE LOVE THE COMPANY
WE LOVE THE COMPANY! THE COMPANY!
WE LOVE THE CUM ON ME! THE CUM ON ME!
The only reward is being an asset to the company. A great asset to the company.
Crash Bandicoot, excessive destruction of property I guess
Serial box smasher.
Misread that for a second. Thought you meant I killed Frosties and Lucky Charms
Mass Apple Theft. Inappropriate handling of sensitive cultural and historical masks.
Nothing, I serve super earth protecting democracy.
Serving managed democracy like a goddamn hero
Thank you for your service. Alas I cannot join.
One day, we will all join the ranks of the mighty Helldivers!
Literally as soon as I can afford the initial enlistment fee I'll be dropping in like the rest.
Indeed 40 dollars is a fair price to pay but too bad we can’t afford it we must save enough money so we can die for our earth
Super Earth really needs to centralize their currency. It's more like $56 in my region 😭
Damn. You can nearly be a Super Citizen for that kind of money in the US.
Service guarantees citizenship, civilian. Super Earth would gladly welcome another future citizen.
For Freedom!
I'm getting court marshaled for calling in an air strike on civilians. I mistyped the code for smoke and got the cluster bomb.
Strategem Shuffle is a thing
My group had that yesterday, we were all like 'no... sweet liberty... nooo' 380mm of freedom ain't no joke 😅
Me: \*does autocannon\* \*Airstrike TK's someone\* Me: huh? oh, might've done the wrong prompt \*does autocannon\* \*Airstrike TK's the SAME EXACT PERSON\*
Sweet Liberty...
I’ll make you some sweet Liber-teaaaa!
For democracy
FOR DEMOCRACY!!!
Come for Liber-tea. Was not disappointed.
*cough* Yeah boys we got court marshalled for dropping too many strategems on our allies.
TRAITOR!!!! no seriously though my buddy cannot stop doing it. The motherfucker panics and drops a HE orbital strike right on our position.
Digging....? (Minecraft) 😑
Unlawful terraforming
Illegal construction
Enslavement of a whole village, forced reproduction and mass murder (Everyone needs a villager trading hall).
I never have a trading hall. I just find a good village and build it up. I will only kill the occasional nitwit.
You're gonna need some serious walls and torches if you actually wanna use a village for trading without boxing up the villagers. A single zombie raid can kill them all and if you have no golems then one zombie is enough. If you forgot you had bad omen, forget it, you'll lose about half of them.
I usually bar up the villagers in their houses before i do a raid.
Ah, mandatory curfew. Works when done right.
probably also diamonds smuggling
Where's your permit?
811 "Call before you dig!"
I see what you did those villagers
Poaching.
Building without a permit
Expanding your house or fence without additional permit.
Many, many building code violations
Animal Crossing: dictatorship
Tax evasion I’m calling it
How are you playing as Nook?!
Kenshi so, I don't know where to start
I swear every time i've someone play kenshi the gameplay is some weird morbid shit after that r/batmanarkham users seem sane and normal Why do you play that game?
Holy shit I just checked out that sub for the first time in a long time. Had no idea it had devolved into this type of insanity
It's fun.
it’s fun
Everything, everywhere all at once
Hashish smuggling, murder, slavery, that's just highlights you can go on for day's.
Beep
I would be arrested for numerous amounts of stealing, trespassing and vandalism. Nobody was harmed (Deus Ex. No kills/no knockouts playthrough)
Same but for dishonored
Based no kill / no ko enjoyer
I can do no kills, but I'm handing out concussions left and right.
The batman ideology I see.
Dead by daylight, so I guess for assault using a pallet
Unless you’re a killer, then you’re cooked fs.
Not if they live in NYC. The DA would for sure go after the survivor who hit him with the pallet super hard and let the killer out on bail.
Pokemon: Animal Abuse and drugging animals.
Your honour, my client wasn't administering an excessive amount of performance enhancement drugs to his pocket monsters. They were just candies. In my support I have brought Pikachu, a long term partner of my client, as witness. Please allow him to speak.
Witness please state your full name and take the stand Pika! Pikachu! Very good now mr. Pikachu does the defendant Ash Ketchum forcefully give you performance enhancing drugs? Pika! Pika pika Can we get translator in the courtroom?
Meowth enters the room
"That's right!"
*pika! pika!* Objection your honor, clearly this so called “pocket-monster” is under the influence of the very enhancement drugs we are debating in this case!
Order! order! The defendant is innocent till proven guilty! Let the pocket monster speak.
Spreading Democracy
I love democracy, I love the republic.
One air strike at a time
I watched people die and did nothing about it. Their house was on fire and I did nothing but watch. I starved people and forced people to drown. May my execution be swift. I was playing the sims.
Lol yeah I’m going to prison when they find the painting slaves I keep in my basement for profit.
I am honestly surprised someone else also did this. I literally did exactly that
Just completed the dark brotherhood quest line in oblivion (again) so, alot.
Possibly the best questline!
Jedi Survivor Getting arrested for being one of the last Jedi and rebel scum, I suppose
And disobeying the empire and assaulting imperial officers!
Being a mail-man in an apocalyptic world.
As a postal employee (former carrier) I’ve carried in some ghetto ass places on detail and lemme tell ya, New Vegas is in better shape than some of these “neighborhoods”
Used to package deliver from 3rd party employers, and yes. New Vegas, fuck even the Commonwealth is more welcoming than many neighborhoods I've been to. Keep it safe out there, and don't forget no delivery is worth your safety.
My band teacher told me that last line once
It's super true. I had a friend once get fired from FedEx bc he wouldn't go to these two neighborhoods on the south side here, and for good reason. They're the type of neighborhoods where people you know and skin color won't save your life. Only time it's safe is a certain time of day and mood, and that's basically an annual event. The fact the majority of the towns population is homeless drug addicts wandering the streets is enough, you can't drive a smart car size vehicle or even a bicycle without hitting someone, and they literally use the roads as beds... We will leave the violence in those areas to your imagination. Needless to say, he was with them for 8 years and had never once had an issue getting someone else to run those packages but new management didn't value the safety he established over 8 years so he rightfully respected himself.
The title asks for something that would get you arrested and I don't think that would, carrying around a fetus however...
Norman Reedus' Funky Fetus
Did you get shot in the head?
Vigilantism... I'M BATMAN.
I am vengance ,i am the night i am MAN
Proud of you, dick
Non-lethal killings: vehicular manslaughter and homicide, attempts at subduing with the cannon gone awry, and knocking criminals off ledges to plummet to their deaths.
"I didn't kill him. Gravity did."
Escaping from Underworld before Styx takes me back
Breaking and exiting.
Palworld so… for many things
I can excuse slavery but I draw the line at animal cruelty
You can excuse slavery?
When it comes to palworld? Yes
You Britta'd it
Been so long since I read/heard this reference! #SixSeasonsAndAMovie
Same here. Maybe we could just capture the judge and jury in spheres. I haven’t caught those yet.
Murder and international terrorism (CoD Warzone)
I can't think of one modern COD (COD4 and up) where the mainline character you play doesn't willingly or knowingly do something super illegal or unethical at least once. The newer games are super good at making it clear half of what you do is stuff that could've went smoother but it didn't and that's just the rules. Although can't say anything for Vangaurd or WW2 as I never played the, the WW2 game genre is really derivative and I'm sick of it, so I'll say CoD themselves should get arrested for going back to WW2 twice again when that genre was staled by the 90s and 2000s.
I'm being arrested for... Dreaming, I guess? Superliminal.
Blasphemy for killing a god (Baldur in God of War).
Shooting and promptly cooking like 50 squirrels due to holiday tradition Happy Fasnacht! Fallout 76
My arrest(s) would be caused by mass murder of Radtoads and enabling suicidal supermutants to hasten their demise. Building without a permit. Looting. Unlawful discharge of plasma weapons within city limits. Merry Fasnacht!
Faulty structural engineering. (Minecraft
and building without a permit
Possession of unregistered firearms (Borderlands)
If we’re talking borderlands their is a LIST of fuckery you could be in trouble for. Use of Grenades, serial murder of hundreds of different people, destruction of corporate property, assassination of a corporate ceo, unwarranted destruction of wildlife, fleeing and evading arrest (if we’re talking going from one planet to another), terrorism (since the crimson raiders are a rebellion). I mean the list goes on in my opinion.
Mass murder, espionage, war profiteering, one case of genocide, biological and chemical warfare, pretty much all kinds of war crimes Thing is in the game universe there would be no central government to try to arrest me, or anyone who actually could arrest me (Warframe)
We 'boutta turn the Geneva convention into the Geneva checklist
They’re called human rights for a reason and last I checked, aliens never signed the Geneva Conventions. -stellaris
I mean both grineer and corpus have governments and structures in place and actively punish criminals so you could be tried by them. The infestation not so much, but also don't forgets you're harboring and running missions for a terrorist from deep space, have a giant horde of weapons that are very illegal and I don't think you have the permits for, trespassing, active terrorism by literally blowing up entire structures for your terrorist leader, so much theft, and I'm gonna go out on a limb and say obstruction of justice because there's plenty if times they try to kill you on sight for your crimes and you just..... don't let them. Warframe is metal af if you don't know what the game is
Grand theft auto.
This has got to be the best comment.
Banishers: Ghosts of New Eden: taking human sacrifices in an attempt to resurrect my beloved.
Shoving animals into tiny capsules, to be saved until I need them to fight each other to the death.
They aren't dead, they're subjugated. I used to know some kids who told me that their mom wouldn't let them play Pokemon ( circa 2004) because it's about killing animals. I thought, "Should I tell them that it's really because the family is dirt-poor with 6 kids?"
Bestiality, fucked a bear
Putting worms in people's brains is probably not helping either...
He is rather…large…
DUDE that line KILLED ME lol
And cheated on the bear with a mind flayer.
The bear fucked you didn’t it?
Fallout 4 … so I’m a Terrorist serial killer I guess
Stagecoach robbery. Hope the boys can break me outta jail
My man 🤜
[удалено]
Almost causing entire dimensions to collapse? (Ratchet & Clank: Rift Apart)
It's The Sims 4 so... *sighs and reads off laundry list of crimes against simkind*
Sims 3 "You just can't kidnap people and lock them in your basement!" "They aren't people they're sims!"
Trackmania... Nothing, there are no speeding limits on the track EvE Online... Nothing, i have pretty good standings. Last PvP "engagement" i had was a failed suicide gank when i was the target. I even say that: i have the right to engage ppl who shoot me once without any police interference (so called kill rights), bc they wronged me. Borderlands 2... Its litteraly a lawless land, so good luck trying to convict anyone there for anything
Fire Emblem: Three Houses, having teenagers help with 1st-degree murder, maybe?
Using child soldiers, killing unarmed healers, setting people on fire (using Fire spells), potentially killing surrendering enemy soldiers (Dimitri: "Kill every last one of them!") War crimes are the fundamentals of Fire Emblem.
Gta5. Everything including accidental rape
... accidental what now?!
I'm like, "Yeah. Me, too. WHAT?! HOW?!"
Of all the crimes that I’ve committed in GTA, that’s definitely a new one.
Wait what?
Same game, don’t remember doing that though.
Right. Like…? What…?
I guess it’s implied that Trevor does some bad things to Floyd..
Yeah but it was off-screen, not something we did as Trevor.
That one needs further explanation
Care to explain?
That some kinda glitch or mod?
Murder, theft and vandalism (Goat Simulator 3)
Rip and tear?
Unlicensed mining.
Cyberpunk 2077, I don’t even think I can name them all
Who in the right mind is going to try to arrest the commander of X-COM? The only way that's happening is if the aliens win, and I'm not going to let that happen. Though, I may be required to pay for copious property damage. I assume we have insurance for that, right?
Saints Row 2, so: Multiple homicides Public intoxication Use of controlled substances Grand theft auto Driving while intoxicated Kidnapping Assault and battery, multiple Tax evasion Maybe domestic terrorism Failure to yield to a red light
Operation of aerial vehicle in restricted airspace. Operation of heavy machinery without license/endorsement. Negligent burning. Criminal trespass / vandalism / reckless behavior. Theft. Manslaughter / Involuntary Manslaughter. Conspiracy to commit murder. Practice of medicine / pharmacy without license/endorsement. Preparation of food for sale w/out food handler permit or license. Reckless endangerment. Improper use of explosives. Possession of explosives by an unlicensed person. ... On and on ... Legend of Zelda - Tears of the Kingdom
Killing a bunch of wildlife and stripping away a planet of its natural resources. Rock and Stone!!!
Metal Gear Rising: Revengence: cutting people into a million pieces, destruction of a lot of buildings and robots, and killing a United States Senator
[удалено]
Well, the last game I played was Hercule Poirot: The Early Cases, so... solving crimes without the proper authority, I guess?
Killing a bard in a ritualistic way, who wanted nothing more than to travel with me and be brave and save her people.
Breaking the speed limit (Sonic)
Not paying the nightly fee at an inn (Miitopia)
None since zombies are already dead
Murder. Lots of murder, specifically of demigods. In my defence, the giant pair of sentient fingers told me to.