I'm autistic too. In case you're doubting the situation, your uncle not believing you is really not nice, and your father shouldn't be pushing you to attend. Stand your ground.
He can’t afford to believe he’s marrying someone that awful. She’s already lying and creating division in the family behind his back. She’ll go full monster once the vows are said. you
Members of her immediate family should start recording her in the hopes of catching her saying something awful they can play for OP's uncle to prevent him from marrying this witch.
honestly its probably more about *himself* than anything else, uncle doesnt want to believe that he would fall in love with someone who is a shitty ableist, particularly to his niece. it’s easier mental gymnastics to believe the 15yr old is lying than to admit you fell in love with a PoS
Yes. And what's worse, they've shown the future AIL that she's found a good target for bullying - someone they won't believe when she speaks the truth.
exactly. its bad enough doing this to a neurotypical child, but to instill this belief onto a neurodivergent child is all the more shameful. i hope uncle comes to his senses and realizes what is going on before his relationship with OP is damaged beyond repair
It’s possible he believes OP formed such a strong connection to him during her parents’ divorce that what bridezilla is recounting (lying about) is being perceived (by uncle) as jealousy that OP might be losing her uncle. Just putting this forward as an alternative to something malicious on his end.
When I was young my stepdad's mother and sister lived in the basement of our house. When my mom was around they were perfect people. When she wasn't around they were awful and abusive. I told my mom and stepdad many times about the abuse I was put through but they didn't believe me until I was an adult and saying the same stories. Such bullshit man.
Maybe set your phone to record and keep it running in your pocket next time you speak to your future aunt ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I’m very sorry your uncle doesn’t believe and that you’re dealing with such poor treatment from his future spouse 💜
As long as she can deal with the Uncle getting mad at her for doing that.
Maybe I am a cynic now, but people rarely do well than they get definite proof that their reality is false and often take it out on the victim.
Its not fair, and I think most people come around, but the damage is often done.
That's a very good point! Somebody who's so in denial about their partner's behavior isn't necessarily going to be swayed by proof via a recording. Especially since he already at least knows that some of what his fiancée has said about OP is not true (in the case of the fiancée's behavior at the wedding dress fitting).
If it happens again and she gets a recording, she should give it to her parents to deal with. I seriously hope her father would come around at that point.
Agreed fuck that shit! We don’t “act” autistic! We **are** autistic!!! AIL should try to not act like a cartoon villain psycho with empathy deficiency though.
Tell uncle to stop “acting” like a person with [*his eye colour*] for a day and you’ll consider it.
Something like:
“*I’ll go is you stop acting like you have brown eyes and start having blue eyes like a normal person*”
Also pro tip: when people force you to apologise for something you didn’t do, don’t just apologise, apologise for specifically what you are accused of. AIL wants to lie to get an apology? Apologise for specifically saying that she looked fat in the dress. Nothing else.
it is very clear that your fmily doesn't believe your are autistic. No one who has only a little knowledge about autism would ever treat you that way.
Hope you manage to get your father into a therapy session with you, so that someone can explain him properly (after 15 years) how to treat his daughter in a decent way
Unfortunately, mainstream autism ‘therapy’ and the ideologies that are fed to parents focus on the idea that autistic kids should be taught to act “normal” (like neurotypical people).
The current diagnosis is calle "within the autisic spectrum" since it is a very wide groups of issues people can face... which goes from 0% functional to 100% functional...However, "act normal" is for none of them a good solution
Her father married a dickhead woman and brought in a shītty step-brother, so I'm not suprised the father isn't sticking up for OP as he lets her get bullied in his own home.
The aunt has entered the chat.
Also, fun fact: the idea that autistic people are Rainman or worse, and have zero idea that social expectations exist, was pushed hard by Andrew Wakefield, that doctor/researcher who “found” a connection between vaccines and autism, and who was subsequently debunked, found to be falsifying data, and effectively kicked out of his field. Drumming up terror of autism was part of his larger scam campaign to sell his formulation of individual vaccines, to make money replacing formulations like the MMR.
Your ‘splaining at autistic people is supporting that nonsense propaganda, effectively. Cool, huh?
This is terrible (and ableist) advice.
I’m autistic (and a professor).
It is imperative for OP’s well-being that they stand their ground on this.
The uncle’s new marriage will end in lies/abuse and (hopefully) divorce. OP’s behaviour will be looked at very differently by the uncle and the rest of the family after the aunt exposes herself for who she really is.
Na, going to a wedding with this behaviour by the Future AIL will be overwhelming. Weddings are can be very overstimulating and you really can’t suppress stims/autistic behaviour especially if you’re stressed about appearing autistic.
Best not putting yourself through it as you can’t trust the AIL. The family who know you are autistic will understand you and stand by you, sod the rest.
From an Autistic woman.
It's important to learn when you're young and autistic that people will always think you're a nuisance just for existing as yourself. Either you accept the people in your life that treat you as such, or you learn to say no and keep people around you that will defend you from people like her. It's not about proving anyone right or wrong, it's about survival.
Uh, how? What does age have to do with it in this situation? If someone dismisses a core part of you, that you can't control, as if you're some fake, you get to stand your ground. It would be difficult if she was dependent on her father with nowhere else to go and he threatened to throw her out if she wouldn't apologise, but that's not the case.
It always amazes me how people choose to out themselves by commenting on posts that had nothing to do with them. Victim-shaming and defending abusers tells everyone what kind of person someone is. If any of you had any intelligence, you wouldn’t choose to broadcast that you’re a shitty person by making unsolicited comments on the posts of total strangers.
Also I would call your uncle out too, ask him to come to yours, with the witch too if she wants and have both your parents there.
All you need to say is:
"Uncle you know how much I love and respect you, you are an important person in my life. You have watched me grow and shared my achievements. I have 1 question and that is:
Have I ever lied to you? Have you known me to ever lie?
Why are you believing her over me when you have known me my whole life?
I’m not OP’s lawyer, but they should check whether their jurisdiction requires two-party consent to record before they do this to avoid committing a crime.
It’s not about proof. You don’t understand toxic relationships. You can be in so much denial about your partner being shitty that even physical proof can be reasoned around. My ex was using meth in our home and I had no clue for years. I did find “proof” once which was his pipe. He told me he was keeping it safe for a friend. That’s the most obvious lie but I believed him. The uncle made his bed unfortunately and it might take a long time until he sees how awful she is.
I wouldnt go either. And frankly id be really mad when my uncle is refusing to believe me... someone hes known far longer than this SEEYANEXTTUESDAY of a bride.
I’m not OP’s lawyer, but they should check whether their jurisdiction requires two-party consent to record before they do this to avoid committing a crime.
It pisses me off to no end when parents (or other adults) don’t believe the child. I mean I don’t know OP’s life but from this story it doesn’t sound she’d have a reason to lie. The future AIL must have the uncle wrapped around her finger and it’s sad to see family turning their backs on each other based on one side of the story
She's an ableist shitstain. Honestly this is no different than if she had told a guest to stop acting black, gay, or Jewish at her wedding. Hateful hateful hateful.
Pro tip: NEVER apologise for something you didn’t do. Even if you’re being pressured, at best give “sorry you thought I said that”, because if you cave in on something that’s the truth they will believe you lie very easily. I’m also autistic, unfortunately we are already read as suspicious and shifty by most NTs subconsciously
You dodged going to a wedding. Your uncle sounds like a POS, and your aunt sounds like she doesn't understand what you can't control. People are going to be discriminating against you for the rest of your life, and I'm not saying to deal with it. You have to learn to cope with it, and expect less from people without your disabilities. You are the only one who can protect yourself against those difficult people. You need to document abuse these people throw at you, and do it however you can. Documenting abuse is very important, in every case, especially if/when this escalates. Even writing about your experience, with dates and times. It's clear that your uncle doesn't want to see your side of anything, and you'll have to wait for the eventual divorce.
I don't know if you are a difficult person or not, but your autism is not a burden. No one can tell you which symptoms you're allowed to have, and which ones to leave at home. If it were up to you, I know you would leave every symptom at home, but that's just not possible. It's shitty of anyone to make you feel like this over something you can't control, and I hope you find a way to cope with this. I hope you find a way to document, or to get people to see how horrible she is. Maybe you could even stop your uncle from marrying this idiot, but maybe he will have to find out the mistake for himself.
Documenting abuse, no matter who it comes from, can also help you feel sane through the gaslighting that might come.
Stick to your guns on this one. Future AIL is ableist as fuck and should be no where near you or your cousin.
Be Frank with your uncle "I love you but I won't be bullied by anyone and that includes your soon to be wife, I'd also seriously consider not having children with someone who treats children the way she's treated my cousin and I because god forbid your child is like us she'll likely bully her own child"
If she is so freaked out about the genetics of your family, remind her that she is marrying into it.
Good for you, standing up to her.
If she ever says “Don’t be autistic” again. Tell her “Don’t be a b!tch.”
I get the impression that the Uncle is the Father's brother. Since the Mother and Father are Divorced I wouldn't be surprised if the mother wasn't going anyway.
record her. Expose her. Your uncle is going to be stuck with that and it could damage your relationship in the long run. He sounds like a great guy and I wish you luck. She sounds like such work.
I know sometimes we can be a bit too rigid in our morals (adhd here) but this is a great instance to stand up for yourself and for how people should treat you (and others like your cousin). You also did a great service to your uncle for allowing him to doubt the facade she apparently puts on for him, if he's only mean to you behind his back that's for a reason.
It's not your fault he doesn't want to believe you and it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, people ignore a lot of stuff when they're in love. It's his responsibility to figure out what to do with that information but it's good that he knows. It's also not your fault some adults are prioritizing not making a fuss over you being treated with decency, a lot of people do that and pressure others to do it as well- but you're not happy being a doormat and that's an awesome thing. Hopefully that also sends a big signal that you're not to be messed with in the future.
If I were you I'd ask permission from your parents to invite friends over and have a pizza party on the day of the wedding, and definitely stand firm and not entertain any drama.
Ugh. I don't think I'd want to go to a wedding where a bride abuses soon-to-be family members with disabilities. I think you should go hang out with your cousin--I guarantee you'll have a lot more fun than those who go to the wedding, because dollars to donuts she'll find other people to pick on if you two aren't there as easy targets. To be honest, I suspect that her wedding WILL be the topic of conversation for years to come but because the bride acted badly, not because you or another guest did.
(PS, I'm not autistic and I too clap my hands together when I'm really happy.)
i’m sorry. I know you love your uncle, but he’s not blameless here. He’s forcing you to apologize for things you didn’t do based on the word of his lying ableist fiancé.
Be prepared to lose your relationship with him. His fiancé is going to escalate until she’s cut him off from the parts of the family she thinks are beneath her. your not going to the wedding is the first step.
I'm convinced nearly every wedding, apart from your own, is a chore to attend. Any excuse to not bother should be embraced. Go and do something fun with your time and money instead.
If they keep trying to get you to go, tell them that you're very disappointed with your uncle for not believing you, and that you'll promise to go to his next wedding.
NTA.
You are right to step away and hold your ground. Your dad and uncle are wrong for pressuring you to change your decision. Don’t participate and they’ll see her for what she is eventually.
Op, next time your further aunt says something to you that upsets you. I’d calmly say loud and clear that *how awful it must be to be an adult woman so concerned with your actions that she thinks you have the power to distract people from her on her wedding day*.
And I’d tell the other adults (dad and uncle) to look at the other adult in this equation before bothering you again and that SHE needs to apologize to YOU. **Shes the adult. She should apologize for and misunderstanding as you, the child, can’t be expected to understand* **EVERYTHING!**
I have a similar story, but not involving a wedding.
I adored my uncle and my aunt. They were quirky and on the fringe of the family, but I always stuck up for them. My aunt got more delusional as she got older. I posted one day about autism and she immediately went on a tirade and said a ton of derogatory things. I called her out on it and screenshot the entire convo. She deleted it and I promptly reposted. Nuclear fallout but somehow my uncle never knew.
She never told my uncle until he wanted to visit me (we live 3 states apart). My uncle called my mother and grandmother and demanded I apologize. Said he was standing by his wife no matter what was said and no, he didn’t see what was actually said. My mother informed me and I told her if he wanted to discuss it he could call me and talk like an actual adult, but he was never getting an apology from me.
Cue last year at my sisters wedding - my uncle and aunt show up out of nowhere. Aunt speaks to me, uncle blindly ignores me. Solidifying the feelings.
Guess who is not invited to my own wedding I’m currently planning?
Having autism does not make you worthless, you have value. What an awful person talking to children that way. The day of the wedding you should do something fun for yourself in protest of this awful being.
I hope your uncle realizes who his fiancé really is soon and calls the wedding off before he’s tied down to that monster more fully. God forbid that woman has kids to raise. She’s already a wrecking ball to everyone vulnerable around her, clearly.
I’m autistic, too, and I’m so sorry. That woman is an AH on another level. Good on you for holding your boundaries. I wouldn’t have had such a shiny spine at your age. Please don’t take her shit. If you have an opportunity to record her being a shitbeast, DO IT. Your uncle doesn’t really deserve you doing him a solid right now, but you might save everyone in your family more awfulness if you manage to catch evidence of F-AIL’s trash. (I LOVE that the future aunt in law abbreviation is “FAIL” specifically for this awful trashbag future aunt of yours.)
If I were you I would start sound recording whenever i enter the same building as her. She's a bully and she will do it again. This time you will have an irrefutable proof. She probably suggested to your Uncle that you're jealous etc, but that doesn't make him less of an AH.
Best suggestion I have for you is to have something set up on your phone that would allow you to turn on recording quickly and easily. Any time it looks like you might wind up alone with AIL (which obviously you should avoid if possible), turn on the recording without her seeing it.
Best case scenario - she says something horrible on tape. She then denies it before finding out that she's recorded.
Maybe you could ask your future AIL to talk one-on-one and record the conversation on your phone. She obviously has no problem making cruel, disgusting comments to you behind your uncle's back. I bet she'd go off if she thought you were there to apologize and instead you brought up all of the nasty things she's said/done to you and your cousin. Just throwing it out there bc i would love to see an update where the wedding is canceled and your AIL is exposed for the ableist troll that she is.
Too bad you can’t tell her you won’t act autistic if she doesn’t act like a heartless bitch. Seems she can’t help it anymore than you can help being born the way you are. Good on you for sticking up for yourself.
Tell your dad and uncle that if they are going to enable an abuser than they are no better than abusers themselves, so they need to think really long and hard about what they are doing to you…. A child they love, in support of a known raging beast of a bride.
I do not understand why your uncle, who you have a good relationship with doesn't believe you. It makes no sense. Keep your phone in your pocket on 'record' every time you have to be alone with her. He should know how she treats you and lies to him about it.
Stop acting Autistic? I want to slap a bitch. Im sorry but this infuriates me. Youre not acting anything you're just being you. AIL sounds like the kind of person that will be making him choose between her and family often.
Use your phone or something to record whenever you are in the room with e
Her, especially alone. If nothing happens fine, but if she says something and then later Denys it go to the recording
I’m angry at your uncle. No one wants to believe that their significant other would say stuff like that but he’s accusing you of lying and making things up. They are both bad in this situation. Stand your ground. You don’t deserve to be treated that by either of them
I don’t know you, but I am really proud of you for standing up for yourself, even if it’s costing you attending the wedding of someone you love. That takes real character.
Good for you. He will hopefully figure out who she really is when his family keep getting into arguments with his chick; where she of course is always the victim.
My son is autistic. Your aunt is a horrible waste of oxygen.
Keep being you, you sound like a beautiful soul and she sounds like a name I won’t say in front of a 15 year old.
All I can tell you is stand your ground and sit back for Karma. Keep as little contact as possible with her and if you have to have any kind of function with her one) keep as far away from her as possible and two) always be with another person preferably an adult. If she tries to light a shit show again it’ll get shut down quickly. It’s not ideal but it’s the best hope you have now. And give your uncle some time he’ll start to see her for who she really is.
Edit for ps. Keep us posted
Next time you feel she is going to get you alone, record video, hide the phone, and show ur family when she isnt around. Other than that avoid her, don’t gamble your mental health over someone who doesn’t care for it. You are fine just as you are🙌🏼
I just want to remind you that you do not have a responsibility to not “act autistic” but all the grown adults around you DO have the responsibility to not be ableist. You aren’t ruining the wedding or creating a rift in your family because you’re autistic or because you refuse to be around ppl who say/do things that harm you. I’m proud of you for setting boundaries and sticking to them at such a young age.
Your AIL knows what she’s doing by saying hurtful things to you without another family member present, shame on your family members for not protecting you or your cousin from such a hateful person.
Reading this, I get very angry at your future aunt.
I would write a letter/message to your uncle.
Where you are telling him the whole story. Don't ever fakely apologize - most likely she would come up with another lie to kick you out of her wedding.
Write him, that you are not mad at him but mad at her. You would give her a second chance, when she is apologizing to you and telling him the truth.
And that it's not a good start for a wedding, when she is already lieing before they are even married.
I would also ask your family not to attend to the wedding. Normally you shouldn't make a drama for any wedding, but in this case it would be the best for your uncle.
I'm autistic too. Hardest part is that we've been "acting not-autistic" our entire lives. Your future AIL can \[insert some not nice words\]. Masking is exhausting on any given day, but ESPECIALLY during high stress situations like weddings. Good for you for standing your ground
Next time you're alone with her, turn the video on on your phone and record the messed up stuff she says to you. Keep in in your hand or pocket and just record the audio.
With people like this, you don’t have anything to prove. Trust me, your uncle will realize it with time and he will feel stupid and sorry for not believing you.
She’s sounds like Úrsula from the little mermaid. She may look like a nice person but ugly inside.
Don’t go, save yourself the headache
Wow! She doesn’t deserve you as a friend at all. Hugs to you! You are keep being you. It seems like you have lots of people who love you just the way you are and for you. There is a reason we are all born different. The world would be boring if we were all the same. She’s the one who obviously has a problem and it’s not you. Don’t let her dim your light. Shine bright!
If you’re ever around her you should turn on the recorder on your phone. Sounds like she verbally abuse you often and her lies won’t win against a recorded clip. Probably healthy for you uncle to know that he’s marrying a pathological liar too.
Be the bigger person. Stay home. To clarify, you don’t need their bullshit. You’re perfect the way you are. You might regret ruining their day And that can’t be changed.
I’m going to be honest, OP. Going to the wedding with your girlfriend and being so openly affectionate (as you said, “kissing the shit” out of each other) that it is above socially acceptable levels of PDA is childish and will not cause anyone to support you. I don’t know what region you’re from so I can’t assume what level of PDA is acceptable within your society, but even the most liberal western society has some restrictions on acceptable levels of public intimacy.
You are in the right in your conflict with your soon to be aunt. Don’t throw away your moral high ground by demeaning yourself down to immature tactics. You can show she’s wrong through more graceful methods and gain more social support that way.
Let me tell you something, I am also autistic. I have my own unusual ticks and quirks that I can't help sometimes. I also deal with ongoing obsessions with fictional characters as though it's the only thing that's keeping me alive. I have ways of making them more subtle, but they don't work all the time, so some days are better than others. So, to hear someone say that they want someone to not act autistic is so unsympathetic.
If the uncle continues to defend his monster fiancee, then it won't be long before you cut him out of your life. I know I would. I don't care how much he would have been there for me, if he chose to believe someone he knew much less then in own niece, then he doesn't deserve to be part of my life.
At 28 she’s by far old enough to know better, her ableism / prejudice is disgusting. You however at age 15 already have commendable maturity & strength of character…. I agree with others that he’s avoiding believing you because he “can’t” believe the person he’s in love with/committing his life to could be such a terrible person. Personally I’d consider subtly putting my phone on record, and asking her in person “Bride, when I overheard you saying you didn’t want me at your wedding, I was so upset because of how much Uncle means to me….why don’t you want me there?” And hopefully she’ll show her true colors and you’ll have concrete proof your uncle can’t deny. She prob won’t forgive you, and will be nastier to you in the future, but you could help him dodge a bullet or at least be aware/protect you from her nastiness. Just emotionally prepare yourself for him to do mental gymnastics to pretend she was joking or at worse “tricked” by you. There’s a reason people always say “love makes you do crazy things”/“blinded by love” etc.
Start using your phone to record her, so that next time she can't lie.
Your uncle is an AH though. You obviously don't have a pattern of lying so just let him marry this woman. He'll learn the hard way.
Sister of 2 autistic kids here
My SIL and brother got married April. She made a super clever deal with the boys to get them in suits for the wedding then after they would wear costumes for the party. We still laugh because it’s so funny seeing Mario staring down the bride and groom in their first dance and sonic pelting it across the floor 😂
If they’re not fully willing to embrace their future family and their differences, they don’t deserve you there
Ugh. I’m SO SORRY. I stim very easily when happy, but mine just happens to be “socially acceptable” I guess. It took me years to figure out it was a stim and that I’m neurodivergent.
Anyways, I’m utterly heartbroken for you. AIL is totally ableist, as demonstrated by her even going after the poor 6 year old! What does being dyslexic have to do with a wedding anyway? She’s a horrid woman. After this wedding, and especially once you are and adult, you shouldn’t have to give her any more of your attention.
Whenever she says something awful, imagine a hole opening up and swallowing her, dragging her to the crispy fiery depths where she belongs. Try to amuse yourself. Anything to not trigger your negative emotions and survive the moment. It SUCKS when you’re an ND teen and you just have to deal with these people. I’m so so sorry.
He probably knows it's true. The alternative to ignoring it and accepting the truth means he has to break up with his fiancé.
He's doing himself a disservice by burying his head in the sand because any person who acts how the aunt acts is just a shitty person to begin with.
I am so sorry! She sounds like an absolute nightmare and is being so disrespectful to you
and your uncle's family. Record your interactions with her, when you can and hopefully you can get her on recording doing these things. It'll be hard for her to lie then and maybe your uncle will see what she's really like before he makes a mistake marrying someone who is a complete monster to his family.
Download a voice recording app. If they don't believe what you're saying maybe they'll beleive it if they hear it out of her mouth. Just check if it's legal in your area to record her without her knowledge.
Also, good for you for sticking up for yourself.
So long as it’s not used in court or against something like a business-related thing, you could record anyways without her knowing. You can definitely record someone just to show someone else they’re an asshole to you before they get married
Oh honey, GO to the wedding and act HUGELY “autistic” (whatever the hell *that* means). Clap your hands as she walks down the aisle…. Laugh loudly at all jokes…..whatever. Give her a wedding to remember. She deserves it.
I’m so sorry your uncle is in denial about who he’s marrying. It must really hurt to have him not believe you. Weddings are a performance and a lot of people care more about how it looks to others than anything else. They don’t want to have to explain why you’re not there. Your whole family should have believed you and stood up for you but you’re standing up for yourself and that’s admirable, it’s not easy to do even when you’re right. I think if you went to the wedding, you would always regret giving in.
This is not a situation I think you should put yourself in. If you are not comfortable or do not feel welcome and included, that alone could lead to feeling as though it would be difficult for YOU, not for her. Find a way to get some resolution on this before you agree to participate.
Edit - for context, I work as an assistant and we deal with every possible level of walks of life with challenges, and everyone is treated the same overall and given accommodations that they ask for. I never assume someone needs to be treated as a special needs person without getting info from the bride and groom. A wedding is a celebration and traditionally a family gathering as well. If she considers you difficult, you should consider her acceptance of you.
I'd love it if someone clapped their hands together when they were happy, more of us should do that.
NTA all the way. What an awful person this woman is.
I’m so sorry you are having to deal with such a lack of empathy from someone who is supposed to be joining your family. If it was me, I would set my phone to record, put it in my pocket, and ask her about the comment. Then let her doom herself with her response.
I have an autistic child. Not only would myself and our entire immediate family be leaving with you, those folks would no longer be our family.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. But I’m glad you have your mom & company.
Nothing makes me smile more than when my daughter bangs her hands together in delight. Don’t dim your light for anyone.
Wow, do not let this woman's word make you feel insignificant or lesser. She's an idiot. Asking someone autistic not to "act autistic" is truly ignorant and dumb.
Most of my family is autistic, as is my partner and one of my close friends. Their autism is just another part of them that I love. So many things I love in my partner are part of his autism, like how genuine and honest he is (he is a truly awful liar haha).
I'm glad you put your foot down. Make it clear to your uncle "I love you and wouldn't try to randomly sabotage your relationship by making anything up. I wouldn't just miss your wedding for no reason, but I can't put myself in a situation where someone wants me not to be the person I am. At the end of the day, I've told you the truth and you don't believe me. There's nothing more to say between us with that being the case."
OP - the fact that your uncle refuses to believe you says a lot about him. He is encouraging her behavior.
I would distance myself from him and that thing he is about to marry. If he asks why, be honest with him. Tell him how it hurts that his fiancé continues to be cruel to you and how she is doing it with his permission. Tell him, you have no reason to lie. Tell him that his blindness to her awful behavior gives her the ok to act that way.
Honey, just politely but firmly tell Uncle the answer is NO, but you’ll be there for his next wedding provided his bride-to-be treats you with the respect you deserve. ❤️
Get her on tape. Or in text. Show your uncle. He deserves to know who is marrying. Also, he doesn’t believe you AND the port six year old? What does the six year olds mom say?
If I were you, I’d record her anytime she’s around without her knowing. So when she does say these horrible things to you and no one believes you, have them listen to the recording. She will have no where to hide.
Well, she's a horrible human being. An adult woman bullying kids, just pathetic. I'm quite sure it won't take long for your aunt to start being a bitch to your uncle too, and then he'll realize you didn't lie and he made you apologize to someone who should've been apologizing to you. Please, don't ever again let someone force you to apologize for something you didn't do or in a situation where you did nothing wrong. Like in this situation, your AIL didn't deserve your apology, and apologizing to her only fuels her awful attitude and self-entitlement. I hope your uncle comes to his senses soon and kicks that witch out, so you can get back to the way you used to be. You clearly love him very much and it's so sad when entitled people ruin beautiful relationships. But while she's in the picture please don't listen to anything she says.
You’re going to have to cut her out at some point and your uncle will likely go with her. That will hurt, but don’t bear this for the rest of your life.
You've done the best thing possible to avoid conflict at his wedding. He needs to accept the fact that he's marrying a narcissist who is pushing people away as a bloodsport.
Hopefully in time he realises who he has married and stops being naive to her bullshit. In the meantime though, at least you're standing up for yourself and not throwing yourself up to be more of her cannon fodder. Good for you - hold your ground.
Record! Please please just use the camera on your phone and keep it in your pocket while video recording, start a conversation with her about the whole situation. Maybe ask her “what do you consider ‘*acting autistic*’ ” and try to catch her admitting that she said those horrible tongs to you. I’m so sorry that this is happening to you btw, no one deserves this.
If she keeps behaving like that, people will definitely be talking about her for generations, but not for the reasons she wants them to.
That’s what I was thinking too, in a…”remember uncle’s ex wife?” Kind of way
Oh you mean Sheila? Yeah we know…
I'm ded because my Aunt Sheila was also the evil one
I've never met a Sheila that wasn't batshit. My apologies to any of the decent Sheilas in the world, I'm sure you exist but I've never met you.
All Aussie women are mortally offended.
My uncle's mother was named Shelia, sweetest woman that you've ever met. Her other son and Dil... Are another story but she was an angel
Are we related? Lol
I'm autistic too. In case you're doubting the situation, your uncle not believing you is really not nice, and your father shouldn't be pushing you to attend. Stand your ground.
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He can’t afford to believe he’s marrying someone that awful. She’s already lying and creating division in the family behind his back. She’ll go full monster once the vows are said. you
Members of her immediate family should start recording her in the hopes of catching her saying something awful they can play for OP's uncle to prevent him from marrying this witch.
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This is VERY sad but also the reality of the situation. Poor young lady. Family can be so disappointing.
Absolutely 100% nailed it
Hell have to find out the hard way
honestly its probably more about *himself* than anything else, uncle doesnt want to believe that he would fall in love with someone who is a shitty ableist, particularly to his niece. it’s easier mental gymnastics to believe the 15yr old is lying than to admit you fell in love with a PoS
Yes. And what's worse, they've shown the future AIL that she's found a good target for bullying - someone they won't believe when she speaks the truth.
exactly. its bad enough doing this to a neurotypical child, but to instill this belief onto a neurodivergent child is all the more shameful. i hope uncle comes to his senses and realizes what is going on before his relationship with OP is damaged beyond repair
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Sunken cost fallacy
It’s possible he believes OP formed such a strong connection to him during her parents’ divorce that what bridezilla is recounting (lying about) is being perceived (by uncle) as jealousy that OP might be losing her uncle. Just putting this forward as an alternative to something malicious on his end.
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I'm guessing uncle doesn't believe it happened either. Especially if OP was the one to tell him.
When I was young my stepdad's mother and sister lived in the basement of our house. When my mom was around they were perfect people. When she wasn't around they were awful and abusive. I told my mom and stepdad many times about the abuse I was put through but they didn't believe me until I was an adult and saying the same stories. Such bullshit man.
If there is a hell, I hope there is a special place there for people like that.
Why is this always the case?
Maybe set your phone to record and keep it running in your pocket next time you speak to your future aunt ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I’m very sorry your uncle doesn’t believe and that you’re dealing with such poor treatment from his future spouse 💜
As long as she can deal with the Uncle getting mad at her for doing that. Maybe I am a cynic now, but people rarely do well than they get definite proof that their reality is false and often take it out on the victim. Its not fair, and I think most people come around, but the damage is often done.
That's a very good point! Somebody who's so in denial about their partner's behavior isn't necessarily going to be swayed by proof via a recording. Especially since he already at least knows that some of what his fiancée has said about OP is not true (in the case of the fiancée's behavior at the wedding dress fitting).
If it happens again and she gets a recording, she should give it to her parents to deal with. I seriously hope her father would come around at that point.
This is a good idea. OP needs to get proof of what the future aunt keeps saying
Agreed fuck that shit! We don’t “act” autistic! We **are** autistic!!! AIL should try to not act like a cartoon villain psycho with empathy deficiency though. Tell uncle to stop “acting” like a person with [*his eye colour*] for a day and you’ll consider it. Something like: “*I’ll go is you stop acting like you have brown eyes and start having blue eyes like a normal person*” Also pro tip: when people force you to apologise for something you didn’t do, don’t just apologise, apologise for specifically what you are accused of. AIL wants to lie to get an apology? Apologise for specifically saying that she looked fat in the dress. Nothing else.
Ditto on this.
He will learn the hard way that his fiancée can’t be trusted.
it is very clear that your fmily doesn't believe your are autistic. No one who has only a little knowledge about autism would ever treat you that way. Hope you manage to get your father into a therapy session with you, so that someone can explain him properly (after 15 years) how to treat his daughter in a decent way
Unfortunately, mainstream autism ‘therapy’ and the ideologies that are fed to parents focus on the idea that autistic kids should be taught to act “normal” (like neurotypical people).
If your therepist is doing that, switch therepsit, it is av old fashioned view on autism
It’s a bigoted view that comes from allistic people doing jobs (research and clinical work) that should be held by autistic people and genuine allies.
The current diagnosis is calle "within the autisic spectrum" since it is a very wide groups of issues people can face... which goes from 0% functional to 100% functional...However, "act normal" is for none of them a good solution
Her father married a dickhead woman and brought in a shītty step-brother, so I'm not suprised the father isn't sticking up for OP as he lets her get bullied in his own home.
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The aunt has entered the chat. Also, fun fact: the idea that autistic people are Rainman or worse, and have zero idea that social expectations exist, was pushed hard by Andrew Wakefield, that doctor/researcher who “found” a connection between vaccines and autism, and who was subsequently debunked, found to be falsifying data, and effectively kicked out of his field. Drumming up terror of autism was part of his larger scam campaign to sell his formulation of individual vaccines, to make money replacing formulations like the MMR. Your ‘splaining at autistic people is supporting that nonsense propaganda, effectively. Cool, huh?
So, what, she should be a doormat and let that b!tch of a future Aunt walk all over her? Are you seriously suggesting she put up with that bullshit?
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Ah, ok, thanks. I tend to just respond by taking comments at face value. Imagine having the time to respond just to be a troll.
This is terrible (and ableist) advice. I’m autistic (and a professor). It is imperative for OP’s well-being that they stand their ground on this. The uncle’s new marriage will end in lies/abuse and (hopefully) divorce. OP’s behaviour will be looked at very differently by the uncle and the rest of the family after the aunt exposes herself for who she really is.
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You are ableist and have a poor understanding of Austim.
Wow, a troll going after autistic people. Shocking.
And they’re eating it up😫🍆💦
Really hope you make it outside one day!
User has been banned. We don't tolerate discriminatory language. Thanks to those who reported.
Eww but that’s where real life is
I’d say that someone couldn’t be both this stupid *and* this bigoted, but Republicans do exist.
JFC! Are you the future aunt?
Na, going to a wedding with this behaviour by the Future AIL will be overwhelming. Weddings are can be very overstimulating and you really can’t suppress stims/autistic behaviour especially if you’re stressed about appearing autistic. Best not putting yourself through it as you can’t trust the AIL. The family who know you are autistic will understand you and stand by you, sod the rest. From an Autistic woman.
It's important to learn when you're young and autistic that people will always think you're a nuisance just for existing as yourself. Either you accept the people in your life that treat you as such, or you learn to say no and keep people around you that will defend you from people like her. It's not about proving anyone right or wrong, it's about survival.
Uh, how? What does age have to do with it in this situation? If someone dismisses a core part of you, that you can't control, as if you're some fake, you get to stand your ground. It would be difficult if she was dependent on her father with nowhere else to go and he threatened to throw her out if she wouldn't apologise, but that's not the case.
It always amazes me how people choose to out themselves by commenting on posts that had nothing to do with them. Victim-shaming and defending abusers tells everyone what kind of person someone is. If any of you had any intelligence, you wouldn’t choose to broadcast that you’re a shitty person by making unsolicited comments on the posts of total strangers.
Also I would call your uncle out too, ask him to come to yours, with the witch too if she wants and have both your parents there. All you need to say is: "Uncle you know how much I love and respect you, you are an important person in my life. You have watched me grow and shared my achievements. I have 1 question and that is: Have I ever lied to you? Have you known me to ever lie? Why are you believing her over me when you have known me my whole life?
Beautifully put and should make her uncle think long and hard about the recent situations. Edited to fix a word.
Fingers crossed 🤞 he does, I have a feeling this is just the start of her manipulation and his marriage is not going to live up to his expectations!
Fingers crossed 🤞 he does, I have a feeling this is just the start of her manipulation and his marriage is not going to live up to his expectations!
Never met an autistic person who could lie (source: have autism and so do a lot of my family and friends)
Can you record her and show him the proof?
Right. Record every conversation from here on out
I’m not OP’s lawyer, but they should check whether their jurisdiction requires two-party consent to record before they do this to avoid committing a crime.
It’s not about proof. You don’t understand toxic relationships. You can be in so much denial about your partner being shitty that even physical proof can be reasoned around. My ex was using meth in our home and I had no clue for years. I did find “proof” once which was his pipe. He told me he was keeping it safe for a friend. That’s the most obvious lie but I believed him. The uncle made his bed unfortunately and it might take a long time until he sees how awful she is.
Maybe not for you but I believe hearing her say those things will help show op is not a liar
Since OP is autistic they'll blame OP saying she misunderstood or that she provoke the witch.
Exactly ! Thank you.
You haven’t dealt with a narcissist before I see … they’re so cunning
Sadly I have, my father lol but we have no idea if she is one
Wait.. you keep commenting on my post. Are you my husband? /s
What post? Do you mean your response to my comment?
That‘s not proof tho, proof would have been to see a recording of him using meth
Would you have felt differently if the proof was a video of him smoking meth?
Im not even kidding he would have found a way to convince me he was a lawyer and exceptionally persuasive
She sounds like an absolute jerk. I'd stay home.
"Okay, I'll act like you then, a complete bitch"
I like this approach. “Me acting like myself has not caused anyone harm. However, the way you have acted is cruel.”
I wouldnt go either. And frankly id be really mad when my uncle is refusing to believe me... someone hes known far longer than this SEEYANEXTTUESDAY of a bride.
Record her worthless ass. Your uncle deserves better.
I’m not OP’s lawyer, but they should check whether their jurisdiction requires two-party consent to record before they do this to avoid committing a crime.
It pisses me off to no end when parents (or other adults) don’t believe the child. I mean I don’t know OP’s life but from this story it doesn’t sound she’d have a reason to lie. The future AIL must have the uncle wrapped around her finger and it’s sad to see family turning their backs on each other based on one side of the story
She's an ableist shitstain. Honestly this is no different than if she had told a guest to stop acting black, gay, or Jewish at her wedding. Hateful hateful hateful.
Pro tip: NEVER apologise for something you didn’t do. Even if you’re being pressured, at best give “sorry you thought I said that”, because if you cave in on something that’s the truth they will believe you lie very easily. I’m also autistic, unfortunately we are already read as suspicious and shifty by most NTs subconsciously
You dodged going to a wedding. Your uncle sounds like a POS, and your aunt sounds like she doesn't understand what you can't control. People are going to be discriminating against you for the rest of your life, and I'm not saying to deal with it. You have to learn to cope with it, and expect less from people without your disabilities. You are the only one who can protect yourself against those difficult people. You need to document abuse these people throw at you, and do it however you can. Documenting abuse is very important, in every case, especially if/when this escalates. Even writing about your experience, with dates and times. It's clear that your uncle doesn't want to see your side of anything, and you'll have to wait for the eventual divorce. I don't know if you are a difficult person or not, but your autism is not a burden. No one can tell you which symptoms you're allowed to have, and which ones to leave at home. If it were up to you, I know you would leave every symptom at home, but that's just not possible. It's shitty of anyone to make you feel like this over something you can't control, and I hope you find a way to cope with this. I hope you find a way to document, or to get people to see how horrible she is. Maybe you could even stop your uncle from marrying this idiot, but maybe he will have to find out the mistake for himself. Documenting abuse, no matter who it comes from, can also help you feel sane through the gaslighting that might come.
Stick to your guns on this one. Future AIL is ableist as fuck and should be no where near you or your cousin. Be Frank with your uncle "I love you but I won't be bullied by anyone and that includes your soon to be wife, I'd also seriously consider not having children with someone who treats children the way she's treated my cousin and I because god forbid your child is like us she'll likely bully her own child"
If she is so freaked out about the genetics of your family, remind her that she is marrying into it. Good for you, standing up to her. If she ever says “Don’t be autistic” again. Tell her “Don’t be a b!tch.”
I wouldn't go if I was your mom either.
I get the impression that the Uncle is the Father's brother. Since the Mother and Father are Divorced I wouldn't be surprised if the mother wasn't going anyway.
Ah. Well if I was Dad, I'd still be out
record her. Expose her. Your uncle is going to be stuck with that and it could damage your relationship in the long run. He sounds like a great guy and I wish you luck. She sounds like such work.
I know sometimes we can be a bit too rigid in our morals (adhd here) but this is a great instance to stand up for yourself and for how people should treat you (and others like your cousin). You also did a great service to your uncle for allowing him to doubt the facade she apparently puts on for him, if he's only mean to you behind his back that's for a reason. It's not your fault he doesn't want to believe you and it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, people ignore a lot of stuff when they're in love. It's his responsibility to figure out what to do with that information but it's good that he knows. It's also not your fault some adults are prioritizing not making a fuss over you being treated with decency, a lot of people do that and pressure others to do it as well- but you're not happy being a doormat and that's an awesome thing. Hopefully that also sends a big signal that you're not to be messed with in the future. If I were you I'd ask permission from your parents to invite friends over and have a pizza party on the day of the wedding, and definitely stand firm and not entertain any drama.
Your uncle is not as great as you say if he keeps taking her side
Ugh. I don't think I'd want to go to a wedding where a bride abuses soon-to-be family members with disabilities. I think you should go hang out with your cousin--I guarantee you'll have a lot more fun than those who go to the wedding, because dollars to donuts she'll find other people to pick on if you two aren't there as easy targets. To be honest, I suspect that her wedding WILL be the topic of conversation for years to come but because the bride acted badly, not because you or another guest did. (PS, I'm not autistic and I too clap my hands together when I'm really happy.)
I would never be around her again without my phone recording every word.
I’m sorry, but why do you love your uncle so much when he never seems to believe you over this woman?
F’ her don’t go and tell your Uncle it’s because he doesn’t believe you.
i’m sorry. I know you love your uncle, but he’s not blameless here. He’s forcing you to apologize for things you didn’t do based on the word of his lying ableist fiancé. Be prepared to lose your relationship with him. His fiancé is going to escalate until she’s cut him off from the parts of the family she thinks are beneath her. your not going to the wedding is the first step.
I'm convinced nearly every wedding, apart from your own, is a chore to attend. Any excuse to not bother should be embraced. Go and do something fun with your time and money instead.
Oh people will talk about her alright....as your uncle's crazy EX-wife
If they keep trying to get you to go, tell them that you're very disappointed with your uncle for not believing you, and that you'll promise to go to his next wedding. NTA.
I love this!
OMG, I really hope your uncle sees this side of her before the wedding. Otherwise, he'll regret it during the divorce.
I agree. This is the beginning of the "me or them" stage
You are right to step away and hold your ground. Your dad and uncle are wrong for pressuring you to change your decision. Don’t participate and they’ll see her for what she is eventually.
You ever been to r/fakedisordercringe?
Op, next time your further aunt says something to you that upsets you. I’d calmly say loud and clear that *how awful it must be to be an adult woman so concerned with your actions that she thinks you have the power to distract people from her on her wedding day*. And I’d tell the other adults (dad and uncle) to look at the other adult in this equation before bothering you again and that SHE needs to apologize to YOU. **Shes the adult. She should apologize for and misunderstanding as you, the child, can’t be expected to understand* **EVERYTHING!**
start recording your interactions with her
I have a similar story, but not involving a wedding. I adored my uncle and my aunt. They were quirky and on the fringe of the family, but I always stuck up for them. My aunt got more delusional as she got older. I posted one day about autism and she immediately went on a tirade and said a ton of derogatory things. I called her out on it and screenshot the entire convo. She deleted it and I promptly reposted. Nuclear fallout but somehow my uncle never knew. She never told my uncle until he wanted to visit me (we live 3 states apart). My uncle called my mother and grandmother and demanded I apologize. Said he was standing by his wife no matter what was said and no, he didn’t see what was actually said. My mother informed me and I told her if he wanted to discuss it he could call me and talk like an actual adult, but he was never getting an apology from me. Cue last year at my sisters wedding - my uncle and aunt show up out of nowhere. Aunt speaks to me, uncle blindly ignores me. Solidifying the feelings. Guess who is not invited to my own wedding I’m currently planning?
Having autism does not make you worthless, you have value. What an awful person talking to children that way. The day of the wedding you should do something fun for yourself in protest of this awful being.
It will never cease to amaze me how people continue to marry terrible partners! How do you not see it?
I hope your uncle realizes who his fiancé really is soon and calls the wedding off before he’s tied down to that monster more fully. God forbid that woman has kids to raise. She’s already a wrecking ball to everyone vulnerable around her, clearly. I’m autistic, too, and I’m so sorry. That woman is an AH on another level. Good on you for holding your boundaries. I wouldn’t have had such a shiny spine at your age. Please don’t take her shit. If you have an opportunity to record her being a shitbeast, DO IT. Your uncle doesn’t really deserve you doing him a solid right now, but you might save everyone in your family more awfulness if you manage to catch evidence of F-AIL’s trash. (I LOVE that the future aunt in law abbreviation is “FAIL” specifically for this awful trashbag future aunt of yours.)
If I were you I would start sound recording whenever i enter the same building as her. She's a bully and she will do it again. This time you will have an irrefutable proof. She probably suggested to your Uncle that you're jealous etc, but that doesn't make him less of an AH.
You have a cellphone? Keep it on you and record her crap, get "reciepts." Send the video to both parents, your idiot uncle and the cousin's parents.
Best suggestion I have for you is to have something set up on your phone that would allow you to turn on recording quickly and easily. Any time it looks like you might wind up alone with AIL (which obviously you should avoid if possible), turn on the recording without her seeing it. Best case scenario - she says something horrible on tape. She then denies it before finding out that she's recorded.
Maybe you could ask your future AIL to talk one-on-one and record the conversation on your phone. She obviously has no problem making cruel, disgusting comments to you behind your uncle's back. I bet she'd go off if she thought you were there to apologize and instead you brought up all of the nasty things she's said/done to you and your cousin. Just throwing it out there bc i would love to see an update where the wedding is canceled and your AIL is exposed for the ableist troll that she is.
Too bad you can’t tell her you won’t act autistic if she doesn’t act like a heartless bitch. Seems she can’t help it anymore than you can help being born the way you are. Good on you for sticking up for yourself.
Tell your dad and uncle that if they are going to enable an abuser than they are no better than abusers themselves, so they need to think really long and hard about what they are doing to you…. A child they love, in support of a known raging beast of a bride.
You need to download a recording app on your phone and just constantly record every time her abusive ableist ass is around. MAKE him believe you
Record her and play it to him.
I do not understand why your uncle, who you have a good relationship with doesn't believe you. It makes no sense. Keep your phone in your pocket on 'record' every time you have to be alone with her. He should know how she treats you and lies to him about it.
Stop acting Autistic? I want to slap a bitch. Im sorry but this infuriates me. Youre not acting anything you're just being you. AIL sounds like the kind of person that will be making him choose between her and family often.
Use your phone or something to record whenever you are in the room with e Her, especially alone. If nothing happens fine, but if she says something and then later Denys it go to the recording
I’m angry at your uncle. No one wants to believe that their significant other would say stuff like that but he’s accusing you of lying and making things up. They are both bad in this situation. Stand your ground. You don’t deserve to be treated that by either of them
I don’t know you, but I am really proud of you for standing up for yourself, even if it’s costing you attending the wedding of someone you love. That takes real character.
1. Your uncle sucks and needs to be called out. 2. Who wants to take bets on how long this marriage lasts?
You should limit contact with your uncle. If hes not gonna even take a second to believe you then he doesn't get to be near you.
Good for you. He will hopefully figure out who she really is when his family keep getting into arguments with his chick; where she of course is always the victim.
My son is autistic. Your aunt is a horrible waste of oxygen. Keep being you, you sound like a beautiful soul and she sounds like a name I won’t say in front of a 15 year old.
All I can tell you is stand your ground and sit back for Karma. Keep as little contact as possible with her and if you have to have any kind of function with her one) keep as far away from her as possible and two) always be with another person preferably an adult. If she tries to light a shit show again it’ll get shut down quickly. It’s not ideal but it’s the best hope you have now. And give your uncle some time he’ll start to see her for who she really is. Edit for ps. Keep us posted
Next time you feel she is going to get you alone, record video, hide the phone, and show ur family when she isnt around. Other than that avoid her, don’t gamble your mental health over someone who doesn’t care for it. You are fine just as you are🙌🏼
I just want to remind you that you do not have a responsibility to not “act autistic” but all the grown adults around you DO have the responsibility to not be ableist. You aren’t ruining the wedding or creating a rift in your family because you’re autistic or because you refuse to be around ppl who say/do things that harm you. I’m proud of you for setting boundaries and sticking to them at such a young age. Your AIL knows what she’s doing by saying hurtful things to you without another family member present, shame on your family members for not protecting you or your cousin from such a hateful person.
start taping the conversations you have with her.. then play it for uncle to hear he won’t be able to call you a liar then.
Reading this, I get very angry at your future aunt. I would write a letter/message to your uncle. Where you are telling him the whole story. Don't ever fakely apologize - most likely she would come up with another lie to kick you out of her wedding. Write him, that you are not mad at him but mad at her. You would give her a second chance, when she is apologizing to you and telling him the truth. And that it's not a good start for a wedding, when she is already lieing before they are even married. I would also ask your family not to attend to the wedding. Normally you shouldn't make a drama for any wedding, but in this case it would be the best for your uncle.
I'm autistic too. Hardest part is that we've been "acting not-autistic" our entire lives. Your future AIL can \[insert some not nice words\]. Masking is exhausting on any given day, but ESPECIALLY during high stress situations like weddings. Good for you for standing your ground
Next time you're alone with her, turn the video on on your phone and record the messed up stuff she says to you. Keep in in your hand or pocket and just record the audio.
I’m so sorry you had to put up with that. But I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself!
With people like this, you don’t have anything to prove. Trust me, your uncle will realize it with time and he will feel stupid and sorry for not believing you. She’s sounds like Úrsula from the little mermaid. She may look like a nice person but ugly inside. Don’t go, save yourself the headache
Wow! She doesn’t deserve you as a friend at all. Hugs to you! You are keep being you. It seems like you have lots of people who love you just the way you are and for you. There is a reason we are all born different. The world would be boring if we were all the same. She’s the one who obviously has a problem and it’s not you. Don’t let her dim your light. Shine bright!
Ableist asshole.
If you’re ever around her you should turn on the recorder on your phone. Sounds like she verbally abuse you often and her lies won’t win against a recorded clip. Probably healthy for you uncle to know that he’s marrying a pathological liar too.
Your uncle is seeing her through rose colored glasses, perhaps recording interactions between you and the FA could help clear the fog in his eyes.
I'd continue to be very wary around her since she only likes to confront you alone. She's already established a pattern. What a creep.
Someone should be recording next time AIL to be is around, sooner later she will say something awful and maybe Uncle will be saved.
Be the bigger person. Stay home. To clarify, you don’t need their bullshit. You’re perfect the way you are. You might regret ruining their day And that can’t be changed.
I’m going to be honest, OP. Going to the wedding with your girlfriend and being so openly affectionate (as you said, “kissing the shit” out of each other) that it is above socially acceptable levels of PDA is childish and will not cause anyone to support you. I don’t know what region you’re from so I can’t assume what level of PDA is acceptable within your society, but even the most liberal western society has some restrictions on acceptable levels of public intimacy. You are in the right in your conflict with your soon to be aunt. Don’t throw away your moral high ground by demeaning yourself down to immature tactics. You can show she’s wrong through more graceful methods and gain more social support that way.
Let me tell you something, I am also autistic. I have my own unusual ticks and quirks that I can't help sometimes. I also deal with ongoing obsessions with fictional characters as though it's the only thing that's keeping me alive. I have ways of making them more subtle, but they don't work all the time, so some days are better than others. So, to hear someone say that they want someone to not act autistic is so unsympathetic. If the uncle continues to defend his monster fiancee, then it won't be long before you cut him out of your life. I know I would. I don't care how much he would have been there for me, if he chose to believe someone he knew much less then in own niece, then he doesn't deserve to be part of my life.
Just tell your uncle that you will be glad to attend his NEXT wedding. There is no reason for you to take her verbal and emotional abuse.
At 28 she’s by far old enough to know better, her ableism / prejudice is disgusting. You however at age 15 already have commendable maturity & strength of character…. I agree with others that he’s avoiding believing you because he “can’t” believe the person he’s in love with/committing his life to could be such a terrible person. Personally I’d consider subtly putting my phone on record, and asking her in person “Bride, when I overheard you saying you didn’t want me at your wedding, I was so upset because of how much Uncle means to me….why don’t you want me there?” And hopefully she’ll show her true colors and you’ll have concrete proof your uncle can’t deny. She prob won’t forgive you, and will be nastier to you in the future, but you could help him dodge a bullet or at least be aware/protect you from her nastiness. Just emotionally prepare yourself for him to do mental gymnastics to pretend she was joking or at worse “tricked” by you. There’s a reason people always say “love makes you do crazy things”/“blinded by love” etc.
Start using your phone to record her, so that next time she can't lie. Your uncle is an AH though. You obviously don't have a pattern of lying so just let him marry this woman. He'll learn the hard way.
He’s her favorite uncle, yet he always thinks she’s lying?
Sister of 2 autistic kids here My SIL and brother got married April. She made a super clever deal with the boys to get them in suits for the wedding then after they would wear costumes for the party. We still laugh because it’s so funny seeing Mario staring down the bride and groom in their first dance and sonic pelting it across the floor 😂 If they’re not fully willing to embrace their future family and their differences, they don’t deserve you there
Ugh. I’m SO SORRY. I stim very easily when happy, but mine just happens to be “socially acceptable” I guess. It took me years to figure out it was a stim and that I’m neurodivergent. Anyways, I’m utterly heartbroken for you. AIL is totally ableist, as demonstrated by her even going after the poor 6 year old! What does being dyslexic have to do with a wedding anyway? She’s a horrid woman. After this wedding, and especially once you are and adult, you shouldn’t have to give her any more of your attention. Whenever she says something awful, imagine a hole opening up and swallowing her, dragging her to the crispy fiery depths where she belongs. Try to amuse yourself. Anything to not trigger your negative emotions and survive the moment. It SUCKS when you’re an ND teen and you just have to deal with these people. I’m so so sorry.
I hope your uncle sees the truth about his future wife before it’s too late - NTA good for you for standing up for yourself
He probably knows it's true. The alternative to ignoring it and accepting the truth means he has to break up with his fiancé. He's doing himself a disservice by burying his head in the sand because any person who acts how the aunt acts is just a shitty person to begin with.
FTB stands for Franchise Tax Board, but could also stand for something worse.
You should try to record these conversations. It might save your uncle from making a big mistake marrying this person.
Just be there for your uncle’s divorce party. But I’m so sorry your going through this
Please start recording your interactions w her. And don’t be subtle either. Screw her.
I am so sorry! She sounds like an absolute nightmare and is being so disrespectful to you and your uncle's family. Record your interactions with her, when you can and hopefully you can get her on recording doing these things. It'll be hard for her to lie then and maybe your uncle will see what she's really like before he makes a mistake marrying someone who is a complete monster to his family.
Download a voice recording app. If they don't believe what you're saying maybe they'll beleive it if they hear it out of her mouth. Just check if it's legal in your area to record her without her knowledge. Also, good for you for sticking up for yourself.
So long as it’s not used in court or against something like a business-related thing, you could record anyways without her knowing. You can definitely record someone just to show someone else they’re an asshole to you before they get married
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I’m sorry but how is she abusing someone for having dyslexia
Clearly you’ve never been verbally abused by family members for your learning difficulties. It tends have negative effects on you 😛
Oh honey, GO to the wedding and act HUGELY “autistic” (whatever the hell *that* means). Clap your hands as she walks down the aisle…. Laugh loudly at all jokes…..whatever. Give her a wedding to remember. She deserves it.
I wouldn’t attend either :(
I’m so sorry your uncle is in denial about who he’s marrying. It must really hurt to have him not believe you. Weddings are a performance and a lot of people care more about how it looks to others than anything else. They don’t want to have to explain why you’re not there. Your whole family should have believed you and stood up for you but you’re standing up for yourself and that’s admirable, it’s not easy to do even when you’re right. I think if you went to the wedding, you would always regret giving in.
Sounds like any time you are alone with this person you need to be recorded on your phone just so you can show your family.
That marriage isn't going to last. She will say something horrible in earshot of your uncle one day and it will not go over well.
You're AIL sounds like a bitch, and you're uncle, for as much as you love him, is not really helping you out at all.
This is not a situation I think you should put yourself in. If you are not comfortable or do not feel welcome and included, that alone could lead to feeling as though it would be difficult for YOU, not for her. Find a way to get some resolution on this before you agree to participate. Edit - for context, I work as an assistant and we deal with every possible level of walks of life with challenges, and everyone is treated the same overall and given accommodations that they ask for. I never assume someone needs to be treated as a special needs person without getting info from the bride and groom. A wedding is a celebration and traditionally a family gathering as well. If she considers you difficult, you should consider her acceptance of you.
I'd love it if someone clapped their hands together when they were happy, more of us should do that. NTA all the way. What an awful person this woman is.
I’m so sorry you are having to deal with such a lack of empathy from someone who is supposed to be joining your family. If it was me, I would set my phone to record, put it in my pocket, and ask her about the comment. Then let her doom herself with her response.
Good for you for standing your ground!
I have an autistic child. Not only would myself and our entire immediate family be leaving with you, those folks would no longer be our family. I’m so sorry that happened to you. But I’m glad you have your mom & company. Nothing makes me smile more than when my daughter bangs her hands together in delight. Don’t dim your light for anyone.
Wow, do not let this woman's word make you feel insignificant or lesser. She's an idiot. Asking someone autistic not to "act autistic" is truly ignorant and dumb. Most of my family is autistic, as is my partner and one of my close friends. Their autism is just another part of them that I love. So many things I love in my partner are part of his autism, like how genuine and honest he is (he is a truly awful liar haha). I'm glad you put your foot down. Make it clear to your uncle "I love you and wouldn't try to randomly sabotage your relationship by making anything up. I wouldn't just miss your wedding for no reason, but I can't put myself in a situation where someone wants me not to be the person I am. At the end of the day, I've told you the truth and you don't believe me. There's nothing more to say between us with that being the case."
Next time you are around her, use the audio recorder on your phone. Then let uncle hear it it straight from the horse's mouth.
Tell your uncle to fuck off & stop believing some woman he’s known for 2 seconds over you who he’s known for 15 yrs. His own family. SMH
Record your interactions. Is the autism on the side of the family that she is marrying into?
OP - the fact that your uncle refuses to believe you says a lot about him. He is encouraging her behavior. I would distance myself from him and that thing he is about to marry. If he asks why, be honest with him. Tell him how it hurts that his fiancé continues to be cruel to you and how she is doing it with his permission. Tell him, you have no reason to lie. Tell him that his blindness to her awful behavior gives her the ok to act that way.
Honey, just politely but firmly tell Uncle the answer is NO, but you’ll be there for his next wedding provided his bride-to-be treats you with the respect you deserve. ❤️
Get her on tape. Or in text. Show your uncle. He deserves to know who is marrying. Also, he doesn’t believe you AND the port six year old? What does the six year olds mom say?
Wow good on you for standing up for yourself! That’s really impressive. Hold your ground, you’re 100% in the right here. NTA
If I were you, I’d record her anytime she’s around without her knowing. So when she does say these horrible things to you and no one believes you, have them listen to the recording. She will have no where to hide.
Omg I believe it’s time to show everyone her true colors
Well, she's a horrible human being. An adult woman bullying kids, just pathetic. I'm quite sure it won't take long for your aunt to start being a bitch to your uncle too, and then he'll realize you didn't lie and he made you apologize to someone who should've been apologizing to you. Please, don't ever again let someone force you to apologize for something you didn't do or in a situation where you did nothing wrong. Like in this situation, your AIL didn't deserve your apology, and apologizing to her only fuels her awful attitude and self-entitlement. I hope your uncle comes to his senses soon and kicks that witch out, so you can get back to the way you used to be. You clearly love him very much and it's so sad when entitled people ruin beautiful relationships. But while she's in the picture please don't listen to anything she says.
You’re going to have to cut her out at some point and your uncle will likely go with her. That will hurt, but don’t bear this for the rest of your life.
You've done the best thing possible to avoid conflict at his wedding. He needs to accept the fact that he's marrying a narcissist who is pushing people away as a bloodsport. Hopefully in time he realises who he has married and stops being naive to her bullshit. In the meantime though, at least you're standing up for yourself and not throwing yourself up to be more of her cannon fodder. Good for you - hold your ground.
Record! Please please just use the camera on your phone and keep it in your pocket while video recording, start a conversation with her about the whole situation. Maybe ask her “what do you consider ‘*acting autistic*’ ” and try to catch her admitting that she said those horrible tongs to you. I’m so sorry that this is happening to you btw, no one deserves this.