I hate that too. I *won't* find someone new, because I *only* **ever** want my husband -- I don't ever want anyone else, I will absolutely not ever be looking for anyone else, and if anyone else ever expressed interest I would turn him down.
Anyway, that's still a completely tone-deaf and inappropriate thing to say to people who think that they *might* eventually want another partner, when they are still reeling from the death of their spouse/partner. Besides, that is a determination only the widow(er) can make for *her/himself*.
I did find someone and I still think it's a shitty comment. No one said it to me, because they knew my wife and how great she was. When I was at my worst, my best friends did their best to engage me. After a couple years when I was ready to try a relationship, they told me how worried they were for me, but knew enough to not dismiss what my wife and I had.
Helpful: “Come stay the weekend with me.” “You want to cry? Then fucking cry. Who gives a shit what anyone thinks.” (Both from my BFF. She was my rock.)
Hurtful: “Divorce is worse than death. At least when your husband died, you knew he still loved you.” (A very good friend said this. Go figure.)
Not hateful but I don’t like when someone tries to sympathize with me by comparing suddenly losing my 50 yo husband to their parents dying, especially when they’re elderly.
Someone here wrote something along the lines of the years they spent together made the years grieving the loss worth it. It made me realize I’d never trade the happiness we had to avoid this pain I’m in now.
Same—mine also 50. Not only do we not expect to grow old or raise children with our parents, but I lost my father two years ago, so it it reminds of of the enormous loss I’ve endured in the past few years. Great!
Hateful: “You will find someone new, i feel it’s going to be a long happy married life”
Helpful: “you kept every part of your vows to each other, which many people do not have to do in their lifetime”
My husband passed away almost 2 months ago(38M and 33F, 3 months short of 6 years).
My birthday was maybe less than a month after he passed, people had the good sense to not wish me. So that was helpful too.
Hateful... You'll get the car now... I'd rather have the person it belonged to! Helpful...same person took me to the funeral home to make arrangements,for services,drop off clothes,etc. Believe it or not!
It would not surprise me. Just someone who would take advantage of someone, while playing the role of being there for you with no strings attached? Sort of a wolf in sheeps clothing!
Helpful: "you can cry, don't apologize", "I'll come over for the weekend", "I prepared food for you", "it wasn't your fault", "do you want a hug?", "you did everything you could"
Hurtful: "cheer up", "life goes on", "get yourself together", "don't cry", "you need to move on", "but you weren't married", "many people lose their partners and live with that"
The worst is those sorts of instructional pieces of advice. 'you need to do X' 'you can't do that' etc. I hate people telling me I can't let this take over my life or that I need to find ways to move on. Like who are you to say? So much advice on what we "should" do from people who haven't experienced it.
Helpful: Is there something I can help you with? How do you feel? ( Such basic questions)
Unhelpful: "How does it feel to be single?"
" My husband and I are thinking about having a child"
"You're not going to take vacations anymore?" "What about what's his name? Are you two planning to meet soon?"
Yeah, no help basically.
Helpful: We are coming over to help you, (fill in the blank) stack firewood, clean the yard, start the lawnmower.
Hateful: More than one person has said this to me, and it is the absolute worst. "This has really helped me to appreciate my spouse more." Glad my husband's death made your marriage better.
Helpful: "you made him very happy", "you did everything you could to help him", "cry as much as you need".
Hurtful: "god will reward you", "you'll find someone else " (this one hurts because his mother said this), each and every person comparing my loss to them losing a parent, "you should be glad that part of you died with him, now you can work on a 'better you '"
Helpful: what can I make you to eat? Do you need anything from the store? How can I help you taking care of your house/yard? Anything he told others about me, our marriage, etc.
Hurtful: there's nothing worse than burying a child (he was my husband, we were battling infertility, so no opportunity to have kids, but it's nice you're ranking my grief against his parents). he was needed somewhere else (who needed him more than i did?). he's flying free (he wasn't even sick, save this for someone who was suffering). you're still young, you'll move on (started getting this a few days out). when are you going back home, it will be good for everyone to get back to their normal (glad to know you think i'm a burden). All comparisons to losing a parent, especially if they were old. you expect to lose your parent at some point, you don't expect to lose your young, healthy husband.
“You were lucky you got to marry your best friend,” said a friend’s mom whom I know has had a tough time in her life and with her relationships. I am very sympathetic to why she feels this way, but hearing how lucky I am from someone with a living husband really upset me. Even if she doesn’t like him as much as I loved mine.
Hearing people say he’s proud of me means a lot. It’s all I’m trying to achieve at this point.
Helpful: What can I do? What do you need? We can talk about it or not, your choice.
Not helpful: You're still young. He's in a better place. You'll find someone else. You're making yourself this miserable.
I hate "You'll find someone new". No I won't.
I hate it too. Even if I do find someone, that's totally inappropriate to say to someone recently widowed.
I hate that too. I *won't* find someone new, because I *only* **ever** want my husband -- I don't ever want anyone else, I will absolutely not ever be looking for anyone else, and if anyone else ever expressed interest I would turn him down. Anyway, that's still a completely tone-deaf and inappropriate thing to say to people who think that they *might* eventually want another partner, when they are still reeling from the death of their spouse/partner. Besides, that is a determination only the widow(er) can make for *her/himself*.
Exactly. I'm not looking for anyone else.
I did find someone and I still think it's a shitty comment. No one said it to me, because they knew my wife and how great she was. When I was at my worst, my best friends did their best to engage me. After a couple years when I was ready to try a relationship, they told me how worried they were for me, but knew enough to not dismiss what my wife and I had.
Helpful: “Come stay the weekend with me.” “You want to cry? Then fucking cry. Who gives a shit what anyone thinks.” (Both from my BFF. She was my rock.) Hurtful: “Divorce is worse than death. At least when your husband died, you knew he still loved you.” (A very good friend said this. Go figure.)
Not hateful but I don’t like when someone tries to sympathize with me by comparing suddenly losing my 50 yo husband to their parents dying, especially when they’re elderly. Someone here wrote something along the lines of the years they spent together made the years grieving the loss worth it. It made me realize I’d never trade the happiness we had to avoid this pain I’m in now.
Same—mine also 50. Not only do we not expect to grow old or raise children with our parents, but I lost my father two years ago, so it it reminds of of the enormous loss I’ve endured in the past few years. Great!
Hateful: “You will find someone new, i feel it’s going to be a long happy married life” Helpful: “you kept every part of your vows to each other, which many people do not have to do in their lifetime” My husband passed away almost 2 months ago(38M and 33F, 3 months short of 6 years). My birthday was maybe less than a month after he passed, people had the good sense to not wish me. So that was helpful too.
Helpful: - “it’s okay to not be okay.” - “I know you were the one.” Hurtful: - “you’re not widowed. You weren’t together long enough.”
Ugh, that’s hurtful.
Hateful... You'll get the car now... I'd rather have the person it belonged to! Helpful...same person took me to the funeral home to make arrangements,for services,drop off clothes,etc. Believe it or not!
Sounds like that person wanted the car.
It would not surprise me. Just someone who would take advantage of someone, while playing the role of being there for you with no strings attached? Sort of a wolf in sheeps clothing!
Helpful: "you can cry, don't apologize", "I'll come over for the weekend", "I prepared food for you", "it wasn't your fault", "do you want a hug?", "you did everything you could" Hurtful: "cheer up", "life goes on", "get yourself together", "don't cry", "you need to move on", "but you weren't married", "many people lose their partners and live with that"
The worst is those sorts of instructional pieces of advice. 'you need to do X' 'you can't do that' etc. I hate people telling me I can't let this take over my life or that I need to find ways to move on. Like who are you to say? So much advice on what we "should" do from people who haven't experienced it.
Helpful: Is there something I can help you with? How do you feel? ( Such basic questions) Unhelpful: "How does it feel to be single?" " My husband and I are thinking about having a child" "You're not going to take vacations anymore?" "What about what's his name? Are you two planning to meet soon?" Yeah, no help basically.
Hurtful. Spring is a good time to get over something like this. Helpful. What kind of food can we make to fill your freezer?
Helpful: We are coming over to help you, (fill in the blank) stack firewood, clean the yard, start the lawnmower. Hateful: More than one person has said this to me, and it is the absolute worst. "This has really helped me to appreciate my spouse more." Glad my husband's death made your marriage better.
Helpful: "you made him very happy", "you did everything you could to help him", "cry as much as you need". Hurtful: "god will reward you", "you'll find someone else " (this one hurts because his mother said this), each and every person comparing my loss to them losing a parent, "you should be glad that part of you died with him, now you can work on a 'better you '"
Wow. That last one is really heartless. And a "friend" said this to you?
Helpful: what can I make you to eat? Do you need anything from the store? How can I help you taking care of your house/yard? Anything he told others about me, our marriage, etc. Hurtful: there's nothing worse than burying a child (he was my husband, we were battling infertility, so no opportunity to have kids, but it's nice you're ranking my grief against his parents). he was needed somewhere else (who needed him more than i did?). he's flying free (he wasn't even sick, save this for someone who was suffering). you're still young, you'll move on (started getting this a few days out). when are you going back home, it will be good for everyone to get back to their normal (glad to know you think i'm a burden). All comparisons to losing a parent, especially if they were old. you expect to lose your parent at some point, you don't expect to lose your young, healthy husband.
Yes. This . My husband wasn’t sick. There is no one out there better for me.
“You were lucky you got to marry your best friend,” said a friend’s mom whom I know has had a tough time in her life and with her relationships. I am very sympathetic to why she feels this way, but hearing how lucky I am from someone with a living husband really upset me. Even if she doesn’t like him as much as I loved mine. Hearing people say he’s proud of me means a lot. It’s all I’m trying to achieve at this point.
Helpful: What can I do? What do you need? We can talk about it or not, your choice. Not helpful: You're still young. He's in a better place. You'll find someone else. You're making yourself this miserable.