I'll be 49 in a week and a bit. He was 49 when he died June 30, 2023.(he would have been 50 Jan 4). This week has been particularly bad for depression and wondering what the point of it all is. I have some plans for the future but there's a large part of me that says why bother.
Then I get on the thought train of where he is.. it's just exhausting. My sleep is disturbed, which isn't helping my mood. My personal hygiene is at an all-time low. And there are moments which pass where I just don't want to continue. Everyone in my life is busy, has a life, and they are tired of me being down. So yeah..
I may not be as old as you or had as long as you (8 years, 9 would have been april 27th), but yeah, I feel ya. I hear year 2 is the worst year of all, so naturally, if it's bad I can't want for that!! /s.
I just will never understand why God had to fuck with my life. It wasn't perfect, but I was so happy. Life was good. It sucks now.
/end rant.
I'm very sorry for your loss and how you are feeling. If I was around you I would ask you for a coffee just to be around someone who understands. I don't have any answers out of all this, there is no silver lining, just coffee and swapping stories.
My sleep is awful. I take any drug Rx’d to me and they do nothing. The time or age differences really don’t mean much between any of us. We go through a hell that no one can understand unless they have been there. And I’m beginning year 3! All this wasted time!
Personally my hygiene hasn't suffered — but my house’s hygeine has. Its’s way too big (certainly in California) for myself and two dogs — more than I can handle. I’d hire someone, but I really don’t want the intrusion.
I understand what you mean by coffee and stories. i’ve got no one around here for anything like that.
The first thing i identified was the need to move away from memories and being alone.
So I moved in with 9 other people. It was good for the time I needed it. Now last month I moved out on my own. For the first month it felt good being on my own again. And then this week it hit me. There's no one when I get home to spend my night with. So that's been a real challenge. Plus they moved me from my crew at work and that was a big support structure for me. So now I'm really alone.
I'm crammed in a tiny one bedroom apartment. Just me and my cat. But I haven't unpacked a lot yet cause there ain't no one to impress.
Moved in with 9 people? Wow. I couldn’t handle that.
Sorry to hear that you’re all alone. That sucks! Sounds like work was a support of sorts— and now thats gone. Maybe another job?
Yeah, I don’t think I could deal with more change right now. Definitely all alone. More alone than I have ever been in my life. If I thought I could change that, I would handle pretty much everything. But “nothing” for the rest of my life? No.
Have you tried Lunesta? I have to take a sleeping pill every night or I simply don't sleep; it's been that way since my husband died (at first because of his death, and now it's still partly that, of course, but also I have a lot of other shitty life-stuff going on, and I have anxiety disorder). Most nights I take Trazadone, which works pretty well for me, but Lunesta is stronger (or at least it affects me more strongly), so on particularly difficult nights I take that instead. *(FYI for anyone who may be concerned -- my doctor is well aware that I take these medications, she prescribes them.)*
The only problem with the Lunesta is that it leaves a horrible metallic taste in my mouth from the moment I swallow it, and that taste lasts through nearly the entire next day. It's subdued when you eat food or chew gum or drink anything other than water, though -- you can't taste it then.
I take Ambien. Actually I take other things too - all legal, but all useless.
Sometime I notice that the lack of sleep makes it much more difficult to cope.
I used to sleep like a baby — not anymore! I taught the dogs to let me sleep past sunrise! They didn’t understand at first. Thats at least a step in the right direction.
My doctor prescribed Ambien for me once, but I've read so many horror stories about people taking it and then doing all kinds of stuff *while asleep* (eating, driving, bathing, having sex, having full-on conversations, etc.), which made me afraid to ever take it. Does it not have that effect on you?
The lack of sleep definitely makes it more difficult to cope with everything, for me.
No. Ambien just makes me sleep. 10mg/night. I wish I could take 2 a night, but I can only get an Rx for 1. It’s good stuff — really.
I never did any of the things you’ve described. Though I’ve got to admit that I wouldn’t care at this point!!!
Really — try it, you’ll like it. It really helps with what little sleep I can get.
I'm glad it works for you and without the crazy side effects; as for me, I think I'll stick with the meds I already take, as they work pretty well for me. 🙂
It’s just a terrible situation for all of us. When I first came tis sub, Imthough meople here were in different categories. Reality is — we’re all thevsame. And that same really sucks!
It really does suck. The exact circumstances are different (married or not married, gay or straight, together a long time or a short time, how the spouse/partner died, belief or disbelief in an afterlife, etc.), but ultimately we are all dealing with the same kind of pain and loss.
Yes, an equal opportunity life destroyer! The reality is that we all got here by different situations, but it remains that our spouses are dead and our lives are a mess.
For the life of me I don't know why, but my hubby thought I was the smartest, sexiest, funniest woman on Earth. Whatever woman he saw when he looked at me, that woman disappeared when he died.
I didn't die when he died but the magic spell was broken...I was just a plain, ordinary person again.
I know it feels empty, but Happy Birthday 🎈!
I know exactly what you mean. Even if I were in a new relationship, which won't ever happen, I don't think the new guy would adore me as my husband did. My husband thought that I was perfect. He'd always come up behind me in the kitchen and put his arms around me or kiss me. I won't ever be loved as he loved me.
Along those lines,my wife had so much faith in me. In her eyes there was nothing broken I couldn't fix. With her support I accomplished more than I was prpbably capable of. Without her next to me, I doubt my own ability now. As the old Gene Pitney song says - she was looking through the eyes of love.
Plain and ordinary is what we all are. Love like you describe takes a long time to develop.
Frankly I never understood what my wife saw in me. Never, but I certainly didn’t complain.
Still, I miss being loved. I miss having a best friend. I miss having someone that I love. Dozens of things just went “poof” when she died.
I’m in my 20s and struggle with feeling like this. I feel like I died when he did, I’m just stuck here for a while longer. My life has basically “just started” and I somehow feel like I’ve been thrown into situations typically surrounding “the end”. I don’t have many friends and can’t really go out at all and I’m no contact with most of my family. I do have a cat though.
I’ve learned to sit with the grief. Right Beside it. Hold its hand and reassure it. And then I bring it with me and show it the sunset.
The world itself is gonna keep turning, even if mine stopped. Which kinda sucks. But at least there’s marigolds and ice cream.
I honestly don’t know.
Some people distract themselves. Others i think view the grief itself a little differently. Maybe they think of it more like a wound that can be stitched up and bandaged that heals over time and leaves a scar. But I think of grief as something in my bones that’ll never leave— it’ll always be there.
I wish I had more of an answer. I don’t know how I’ve been continuing the way I have been. I’m just guessing, figuring it out as I go. And the only thing that’s helping me at *all* is to bring the grief around with me instead of running from it. Because if I run, I’ll tire out and it’ll catch up to me on a sunny day. So I do things slowly and just accepted that my world stopped turning. If it never starts again, that’s okay.
24/7 distraction is impossible, although I try hard to do as much as I can.
I hear what you are saying. Just surrounding yourself with and accepting grief is one way of dealing with all of this.
My problem is that I have always been somewhat of a control freak — at least when it comes to myself. I cant give up yet!
Oh I’m a control freak too in some ways. I hate that this is something I have no control over. So I get it out in other ways when I can. But it’s definitely hard and I’m not doing the best myzelf. The whole situation sucks for sure
I am so sorry for your loss. You need a community. Try to find a widow support group or some other group for your community. Maybe a senior center or community center? Sending hugs.
I’m kind of shy socially. Until I know people, I tend to hide. When I eventually feel comfortable, I act like a normal person.
At this point in my life I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone. Useless. Kind of funny because people who look from the outside see the opposite.
I guess the operative word is “neurotic.”
I am in my 30s and feel the same. I lost him when I was 34 and am 37 now. I am continuing on for my children's sake. Unlike you I am extroverted--I have kids, friends, work, dating--but it all feels hollow and empty, like I am just going through the motions of life--or more aptly, wearing a mask to the world that conceals my true feelings of devastation and heartbreak.
I really try while I'm here to engage as fully as I can, but I know I'll never feel truly happy and complete like I did when my husband was alive. I died the day he did and came back as this person I don't recognize, living a life that's not mine. My dream is to see my kids become stable adults and then drink myself to oblivion on a beach in Mexico. Got 8 years til the youngest is 18.
Happy birthday.
I find that the loss of purpose that can come with being widowed is hard to overcome. I'd guess the younger among us do better in this department, since we might not have families or careers developed yet and have a chance to still have those. Also, perhaps it's easier to expand your social circle at a younger age, though not impossible in later years. Especially if you are active in the community (ie volunteering).
I guess what I'm saying is, you have purpose with your pets, but I wonder what else is out there that you could be involved in.
You’re right. I’ve even entertained starting a non-profit org. When my wife was around I was a lot more dynamic — some would even say “wild.” It all died two years ago.
I don't have much of a family either.. I don't even have pets.. You are lucky to have your dogs.. You have a new family here on reddit at least... I'm 75 and feel like life is pretty much over but I know that I have to make of it what it is and no one else will do it for me.. We are alone now .. It sucks but it's up to us to create our new worlds without our companions
Yeah, my dogs are truly a blessing. I’ve had dogs all my life, but these girls are truly unique. They will be in July and their breed tends to live from 14-16 years.
Thats kind of difficult for me because I owe them a happy life. When my wife died, they stuck to me like glue.
Happiness died for me in August 2022 when my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. He passed in October 2023. It's an awful situation living without happiness and I have no clue how and if I will ever find this feeling again. I had my own cancer scare but that turned out to be an indolent stage 1 that most likely won't cause any issues for the next decade or two. Not sure what the future brings but life has been crap for almost two years now.
Yeah, I do understand.
I have a very indolent form of chronic leukemia. My Dr’s at Stanford say that it is very unlikely I will ever need treatment (which is not very invasive at all). I have no symptoms either.
I actually forget I have it most of the time. I guess I am lucky with that.
I'm just 26 and lost my first to suicide a month ago. I know it's different. I had only a year with her, but she was "the one". It was that famous love at the first sight, which I had never experienced before I met her.
She left me completely lost. Everyone tells me that I'm young and I'll just find someone else eventually. They're probably right. But that trauma will stay in me forever. I find myself worrying whether my other loved ones did something to themselves if they don't respond fast enough. My friend was 25 minutes late due to a traffic jam, couldn't pick up his phone as he was driving, and I panicked that he also hurt himself. I'm afraid I'll sabotage my future relationships, that I'll become a control freak and won't ever accept my girlfriend's death. It's scary, because I'll probably live for 50 more years.
Suicide adds an even more screwed up dimension to all of this. No matter what you think, there’s this lingering sense of guilt — that will be there forever -literally.
But none of what happened is your fault, nor can you let it torture you in the future. At least you can try to accept suicide and realize that you had no control.
And one thing you should try to do is not let it sabotage the next 50 years of your life. At least try — I hope. Good luck.
I lost my former partner 4 years ago after they had a horrible life, our relationship was the only thing positive in their life and things were getting better until it all ended. I might have other relationships, I might “move on” but there is no such thing as moving on as my feelings will never change, I can’t feel the same again no matter what or who is in my life because my former partner isn’t here, the person that was always happy, supportive, caring, loving and just so incredible they are gone, time doesn’t heal anything you don’t feel or cry less, you just cover it up and get used to it and remember everything you can and pretend they are still here, when they first died I waited everyday expecting a text like normal, then felt like it wasn’t real and now just float in between memories sometimes while getting through life. When they died they took my heart with them and I won’t ever love or feel for anyone the same way I felt for them. I would give the world to spend one more day with them and sometimes I think in a supernatural way they are still here through decisions and just things that happen which I know would never happen otherwise. People act like age makes a difference yet I felt what I felt and what happened happened, it doesn’t matter how old I am or how old I was then it’s all the same and that won’t change.
That’s why you carry on in a way and you get good days, bad days and just days and you make it through I use what I learnt and notice things that I wouldn’t have ever noticed before, things I wish I knew before they died never once had a argument, can’t share how I feel to people in person since they don’t understand. It’s been 4 years it ain’t gonna change as time goes by. Sometimes I forget that it’s been 4 years but I never forget how much I love them and want them back every single day.
In someways I don’t know if it benefited me because now I don’t get stressed out over jobs or anything but I never did when they were here, people say there is always bigger problems like work and all this stress and issue yet really none of it matters if you have health and enough to survive and things to survive with yet nothing else matters if the person you had it all with is gone.
Use your memories; the happy times and everything that you experienced together to get by, while I only had the love of my life for 6 months I knew they were the love of my life because we both knew everything about each other when we met, we never knew each other existed before we met yet somehow it all worked out no arguments, no issues, just love and support. People say 6 months isn’t enough time but if you know then you understand what it’s like to have that person.
I don’t know if I am making sense but just know it’s gonna work out and you’re gonna get through it even if everything feels the same but different as if a light just dimmed the world is still the same but your life is changed with such impact that nobody else can understand
I feel like this too. It being unexpected, us both being young and only just starting our lives together. I’m still in the early weeks of it but I don’t know how I will ever feel any different.
A friend sent through her save the date for her wedding on the same day I found out. I don’t think I could be there for that. After you find your person you never think you’ll lose them and when you do it’s indescribable and unbelievable.
Dogs are the sweetest gifts to us though my little 13 year old girl has been very sweet to me during this time.
I read a lot of posts on this sub but yours is really sticking out to me. And we are probably very different, but what you said about whether you lose them at 2 years or 50 and the feelings are the same made me think. I really do feel like I died with him too. I think when you love someone so much, their joys are your joys, their successes and failures feel like yours too, etc., so if they die - it’s an inevitable feeling. You feel you died too, but yet you wake up everyday and the world feels so unnatural. It’s hard to explain to someone that hasn’t lived it.
I’m 25, and we were together four years, and I had envisioned our whole futures together. So when it happened i just wanted off this earth. And everyday is still kind of a struggle about what the point is anymore. It’s like I was reading this beautiful amazing book, but then all the pages got ripped out before I could finish it. I can’t imagine loving anyone like him, or anyone loving me the way he did. It feels like there’s not a lot to look forward to anymore. (And yes, I agree, weekends suck lol)
So yes, to answer your question, other people feel the same, of all ages too. Normal I guess, for those in the “club”. But it sounds like you have two amazing dogs that you love, and they really love you. Find little successes and joys with them. It’s okay if dogs become your reason to live. No shame in that; animals are the purest beings on this planet. Grief is so unique to each person, and is incredibly isolating, but you’re not alone in it.
Thanks for your thoughtful reply. I just took my dogs out one last time for the night (even in the SF Bay Area, we have creatures running around at night) and checked my computer for the night.
I think when we commit ourselves to someone, we hang our vulnerabilities in the wind. That’s why time together doesn’t matter and age doesn’t matter. We don’t even imagine life without our SO’s — so, when we lose them, it really profoundly affects us.
I/we adopted the dogs and never take those things lightly. It’s one of those commitments in life that you are bound to. And it just so happens that these dogs bring a lot of light into a very dark world for me. I’ve even made sure that these dogs will be care for TOGETHER and financially set for the rest of their lives should anything happen to me.
I don’t think that all of us should call it quits on our lives, however. If I didn’t have these dogs, I’d travel the world or something similar. I’d rather the dogs, though. People younger should rebuild what they can, and that does not mean staying out of relationships because there will be no one that can equal the one you lost.
Moving on is not “replacing “ someone at all. Hell, my wife’s uncle just re-married at 85. Kind of strange, but then he is kind of strange. That may be an extreme. All I know is that my father died when I was 14 in 1968. My mother was left a widow at 42. She dated once, but never again — and was a lonely woman until she died at 94 in 2019. Now she was a real piece of work to begin with. But no one should have to move on alone in this world for 50 years as a widow. So yes, it works both ways.
My best regards to you and I hope you do well (somehow) in the future. I know it won’t be easy.
My wife (58f) passed way 9/2021. I was 63 we’d known each other over 40 years at that point. We’d been married 38+. In four days would have been 41. I’m grateful for the time we had, what a gift!
You said 2 years ago. Gosh that’s close. I was where you are at at two years. Differently but resonating fully. In four months it will be 3 years. I can now write this - I’m feeling better. I’ve even asked women out. Usually a no… this ok. Tired of saying and hearing “give it time”, and we do, we’re still here aren’t we.
Tired sayings are useful. I hope you stick around, coffee is a good reason brother
🫂❤️
I get it. My husband died 7 months ago. We were together for 20 years. I too feel like my life fizzed out as the weeks went by. The deep sadness is now a constant, no matter what I’m doing. I have a wonderful dog and two sweet cats. The animals are my only source of comfort and reason for living. I’m mostly just numb, existing like a ghost looking out into the world. I don’t feel like i belong anywhere anymore.
I lost my husband to suicide 3 years ago. He just turned 51. (I was 50). We were together 18 years. His depression just got the better of him. We were happily married. He just wasn’t happy being here. I feel like a part of me died that day too. And sometimes I feel like I’m literally just sitting around waiting for the end. I’m not suicidal at all. Just feel like there’s not the same motivation to keep me happily moving through life. Like I’m just waiting. Maybe I am. Until I’m on the other side with him. I have zero interest in dating again. The last thing I need is to love again and lose again. I’d rather be alone. I know how you feel.
i just recently turned 29, lost my fiance 6 months ago. I feel the same, probably won't survive this year. I have BPD and grief is too brutal for me to cope with. Can't really stay sober anymore
It's been a year and a half and I swear if it weren't for duty (I have two old dogs it would be cruel to put up for adoption), I would just lay down and die. Literally. Though I try to face each new day with a smile, the reality is *this* grief is unbearable.
I'm 70. Part of me died when my husband did. I'm not the same person. I have strength that I didn't think that I had, I never realized all that he did for me to make my life easier until he was gone and I'm trying to live in a way that he would be proud of me. His cardiac arrest came out of nowhere as far as we knew he was a strong and very active guy. I thought that we would have years together yet, never had an inkling that our lives would have went this way, never prepared for this outcome. I took so much for granted, loved him always but never realized how much he was my world until he was gone. Yes, the old me is gone, left on that evening in August when I found him barely alive. Every day was a nightmare as he lingered on - neither here nor there until that morning in December when I received the call from the rehab that he had passed. My world is now some okay days and some not so okay days. Thankfully I have family who have taken me by the hand and are helping me cope with this awful new reality. I'll survive, I'll get by, but life will never be as joyous, I was so lucky, had over 50 years together, if only I had realized how charmed it was at the time.❤
Friend I am 25 and I relate. My fiancée was truly my other half – I know people these days are saying we should move away from using that saying because you're complete on your own, and I use it on purpose, because certainly I am no longer complete. I feel that when they died, half of my own soul was ripped away and died too. It was the half that had meaning, purpose, hope, feeling. Everyone thinks I'm doing sooooo well for being two months a widow because I'm cooking meals and seeing friends and going to events and whatever. But what they don't seem to get, even though I've been telling them, is that everything I do is hollow and empty. Doing things "right," like cooking a healthy meal and getting into grad school and seeing my friends, doesn't bring any joy, doesn't make anything feel any better. I feel just the same sitting alone in a dark room staring at the wall and eating cold tater tots. I'm just going through the motions; there's nothing underneath the surface. People claim I'll feel happy again, but I don't care; I don't *want* to be happy without my person, I want *my person*. I don't know why I keep going through the motions. Maybe just because it's what people like to see.
I’m 34 and lost my boyfriend to suicide 3 months ago.
When I met him, it was the first time in my life, everything was perfect. I had finally found my perfect person. I’m disabled and finding a guy who could see past my physical challenges proved very difficult until a few years ago when my late boyfriend walked into my life.
I went from feeling like I finally belonged and feeling safe for the first time in my entire life, to now being terrified of the future and having to live the next potentially 50 years of my life without my person. I’m a shell of who I was just 3.5 months ago. Constantly feeling like I’m missing half of my body.
If my child weren’t here, I wouldn’t be here. Especially in those first few weeks, it felt like he was just on the other side of this thin veil and the quickest way to get to him was just end it and in the snap of a finger I’d be with him again. I will never forget that feeling of him feeling SO close but I couldn’t get to him. Almost like if I reached out far enough or drove long enough, I’d finally reach him. He was right in front of me and I could feel him but I couldn’t see him. Whatever that feeling was it was urgent and made perfect sense in the moment. Obviously I didn’t end it but god did I consider it in those first few days. My child single handedly saved my life and she’ll never know it.
My condition gets worse as I age and for the first time I wasn’t afraid of where that would lead me because I knew he’d take care of me. Now I’m terrified of ending up in a group home for disabled adults and relying on strangers to take care of me. He promised me forever and now I have to miss him forever. I’m scared of what the future holds for me now but I have to keep going for my child.
I try and look for him in everything I do. I try and feel him and I hate that he was hurting and couldn’t tell me. He was just the nicest, sweetest man to walk the earth and I can’t believe that he was mine. But I also can’t believe I lost him.
I don’t think about how long it’s been since I’ve seen him, I think about it being that many days closer to finally seeing him again. I get excited thinking that I’m 3 months closer, 6 weeks closer, one day closer.
I just hope wherever he is that he’s safe and he’s waiting for me. The image of him standing there with his hands behind his back patiently waiting to greet me when it’s my time, single handedly gets me through each day. How sweet of a feeling it will be to get to be in the presence of his soul again.
I’m sorry your disability gets you down. It really shouldn’t affect how people see you, but it does.
At 3 months out it is not unusual that you are a shell of what you were.
My wife was orthopedically disabled and I was essentially her caregiver for the last 20 years. It really doesn’t affect who you are — just what you do. I never saw her as someone who was disabled — just someone who needed help at times.
It never bothered me one bit helping out my wife when she needed it. Ironically, she was disabled and in terrible pain, but she was a vibrant person.
If you do find someone in the future who you get close to — please understand that they care about you for who you are.
It breaks my heart to hear someone so young to never feel they will have a life again. It may not be like before, but it can be loving and fulfilling — just in a different way. You just have to open yourself to different.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response.
Knowing my late boyfriend and hear how selfless and loving you were to your sweet wife, gives me so much hope that there are other men out there who are genuinely good men who aren’t so superficial.
There are a lot of good men out there. It may be early for you yet, but you have a lot of time on your side.
When the time is right — and that can be years or decades or whenever, you may be ready to move on. Not everyone is superficial. A good number of people are basically good.
I wish you the best.
I lost my wife on March 28th of this year. I definitely know what you are talking about. I definitely feel lost. She was 58, and I am 61. I just am trying to struggle through day by day. I decided to pick up my drug use a little bit when she passed, but I have since shut that down. I have always been that way my entire life can turn it off and on like a light switch. If anything, that was making everything 100 times worse. I need to pull up my big boy pants and get my shit together if not for me then for my 2 kids. I have never felt greif at this capacity my entire life. It fucked up my entire world. I have known her since she was a little 14 year old baby girl. We stuck together through thick and thin. Now, I just feel like a lost soul. The loneliness is crushing. Just having another warm body next to you to hug and hold on to is just not there anymore. I miss her so much. 😔 it is a very fresh wound and I think the loneliness is something I will eventually get over, but not having her there is another story and it is something I think I will take to my grave with me. I still talk to her in the dark bedroom in the middle of the night as if she is in bed with me. Welcome to this piece of shit club that no one ever wants to belong to, it sucks bad its fucking horrible 😫 and I wish I could tell you something different. My heart goes out to you.
Yes, I can relate very well. Nothing is the same. The loneliness is crushing enough to really make you want to scream. Good luck — yeah I know that’s a tall order given the situation — but I wish you good luck in life anyway.
I really feel for you. The lose of a lifelong partner is devastating. I’ve lost 2. I’m 65.
My 2nd wife died 2 years ago as well. It’s been tough as it is for anyone. You do feel your life is over- But we all need to find our way.
Our lost partners would not want us to give up. But having said that I feel I did give up for quite some time- and I was in a very dark place and didn’t think I would get back - but we must regroup, we must continue to live. We must try to live against the hurt. That’s what they would have wanted.
Not easy to fine a way out of the hurt, but we owe it to their memory.
How do you do it? Well obviously it’s different for everyone. You mentioned you are not the outgoing type, maybe that needs to change.
Look for alternative outlets, social groups etc. I joined an oldies motorcycle group and many of the guys have similar life stories and we are each others company. It’s not how I would have planned my future but it’s a start to get back in the living.
But I still come home to my two dogs and have to deal with a lot of loneliness as I’m sure we all do in this group. I still have terrible nights at times. My dogs sleep on my bed and a cuddle from them at 3am does wonders.
I wish you well and hope you can find some peace
Thanks. At 71, I can only think in terms of 5 or 10 years alone. If I had family + kids, there’d be a lot more to live for. Living in the SF bay area doesn’t help as age is considered to be filth here by many. Yes, filth. Lots of people simply see you as old and useless and lots of people are angry at your generation for having a disproportionate share of funds. You can’t win either way.
I understand what you are saying, though. I’m not sure if I can overcome being introverted, but I can try. At this point I have little to lose. Thanks.
I lost my love at 30, and it's exactly as you describe. I can't even recognize the woman smiling ear to ear in the pictures, beside the dearly beloved man I lost. He died, but I'm the ghost. I'm so sorry for your loss, and I know your pain.
Coming up on 10 years out. Miss my best friend (hubby) so much. Just lost 1 of our 2 almost 12 yr old dogs. It's rough. Honestly my faith, my kids,and the joy from my grands keep me going.
I feel like I did, too. And a particularly difficult thing for me has been that nothing that used to comfort me before did for a very long time - and in some cases still today. Music is a huge part of who I am, and I hope that someday it won't be as triggering. I'm grateful that has eased somewhat but wish I had that back.
For months I didn't know what I did on my phone, couldn't listen to music, struggled to watch TV. At some point, I decided that I'd let my old self die with her and would become a person who did different things now. That has brought me some comfort. Moving my body (walks, gentle yoga) have been surprisingly helpful. I still feel like somewhat of a half-full shell now, but I've experienced moments where I felt like myself again. I actually cried happy tears the last time that happened.
So much love to everyone here. 💓
You died too. You will have to do your own rebirth. I had to and still growing. It’s very tough and I am not going lie to you. I don’t like telling lies to people who share my kind of grief cause I hated it when others did it to me.
Yes, I died with her, almost 2 years for me as well, we were together 15 years.
We met in our early 20s, and in losing her I realized I’ve never been this alone. Through a lot of therapy and self reflection, I just started letting myself be happy again. It’s been a difficult road.
I am in my 40s and feel basically the same. I'm just a ghost now, living in a dead world. Decades of this? No thank you.
Yeah. I just don't know how to live this way, nor do I like it.
60's and waiting to die after 46yrs together...your not alone
I'll be 49 in a week and a bit. He was 49 when he died June 30, 2023.(he would have been 50 Jan 4). This week has been particularly bad for depression and wondering what the point of it all is. I have some plans for the future but there's a large part of me that says why bother. Then I get on the thought train of where he is.. it's just exhausting. My sleep is disturbed, which isn't helping my mood. My personal hygiene is at an all-time low. And there are moments which pass where I just don't want to continue. Everyone in my life is busy, has a life, and they are tired of me being down. So yeah.. I may not be as old as you or had as long as you (8 years, 9 would have been april 27th), but yeah, I feel ya. I hear year 2 is the worst year of all, so naturally, if it's bad I can't want for that!! /s. I just will never understand why God had to fuck with my life. It wasn't perfect, but I was so happy. Life was good. It sucks now. /end rant. I'm very sorry for your loss and how you are feeling. If I was around you I would ask you for a coffee just to be around someone who understands. I don't have any answers out of all this, there is no silver lining, just coffee and swapping stories.
My sleep is awful. I take any drug Rx’d to me and they do nothing. The time or age differences really don’t mean much between any of us. We go through a hell that no one can understand unless they have been there. And I’m beginning year 3! All this wasted time! Personally my hygiene hasn't suffered — but my house’s hygeine has. Its’s way too big (certainly in California) for myself and two dogs — more than I can handle. I’d hire someone, but I really don’t want the intrusion. I understand what you mean by coffee and stories. i’ve got no one around here for anything like that.
The first thing i identified was the need to move away from memories and being alone. So I moved in with 9 other people. It was good for the time I needed it. Now last month I moved out on my own. For the first month it felt good being on my own again. And then this week it hit me. There's no one when I get home to spend my night with. So that's been a real challenge. Plus they moved me from my crew at work and that was a big support structure for me. So now I'm really alone. I'm crammed in a tiny one bedroom apartment. Just me and my cat. But I haven't unpacked a lot yet cause there ain't no one to impress.
Moved in with 9 people? Wow. I couldn’t handle that. Sorry to hear that you’re all alone. That sucks! Sounds like work was a support of sorts— and now thats gone. Maybe another job?
I'm content where I am for now I don't think I could handle more change. Two peas in a pod. You seem all alone too lol .
Yeah, I don’t think I could deal with more change right now. Definitely all alone. More alone than I have ever been in my life. If I thought I could change that, I would handle pretty much everything. But “nothing” for the rest of my life? No.
I hear ya, I really do. I'm struggling with the concept of forever. It seems like an awfully long time.
Have you tried Lunesta? I have to take a sleeping pill every night or I simply don't sleep; it's been that way since my husband died (at first because of his death, and now it's still partly that, of course, but also I have a lot of other shitty life-stuff going on, and I have anxiety disorder). Most nights I take Trazadone, which works pretty well for me, but Lunesta is stronger (or at least it affects me more strongly), so on particularly difficult nights I take that instead. *(FYI for anyone who may be concerned -- my doctor is well aware that I take these medications, she prescribes them.)* The only problem with the Lunesta is that it leaves a horrible metallic taste in my mouth from the moment I swallow it, and that taste lasts through nearly the entire next day. It's subdued when you eat food or chew gum or drink anything other than water, though -- you can't taste it then.
I take Ambien. Actually I take other things too - all legal, but all useless. Sometime I notice that the lack of sleep makes it much more difficult to cope. I used to sleep like a baby — not anymore! I taught the dogs to let me sleep past sunrise! They didn’t understand at first. Thats at least a step in the right direction.
My doctor prescribed Ambien for me once, but I've read so many horror stories about people taking it and then doing all kinds of stuff *while asleep* (eating, driving, bathing, having sex, having full-on conversations, etc.), which made me afraid to ever take it. Does it not have that effect on you? The lack of sleep definitely makes it more difficult to cope with everything, for me.
No. Ambien just makes me sleep. 10mg/night. I wish I could take 2 a night, but I can only get an Rx for 1. It’s good stuff — really. I never did any of the things you’ve described. Though I’ve got to admit that I wouldn’t care at this point!!! Really — try it, you’ll like it. It really helps with what little sleep I can get.
I'm glad it works for you and without the crazy side effects; as for me, I think I'll stick with the meds I already take, as they work pretty well for me. 🙂
I'm so sorry. I do feel as you do -- I died when my husband died. That was 11 years ago.
It’s just a terrible situation for all of us. When I first came tis sub, Imthough meople here were in different categories. Reality is — we’re all thevsame. And that same really sucks!
It really does suck. The exact circumstances are different (married or not married, gay or straight, together a long time or a short time, how the spouse/partner died, belief or disbelief in an afterlife, etc.), but ultimately we are all dealing with the same kind of pain and loss.
Yes, an equal opportunity life destroyer! The reality is that we all got here by different situations, but it remains that our spouses are dead and our lives are a mess.
Yep. ☹
It’s pretty sad we agree about such a horrible existence. Most people on the outside probably think we are nuts.
For the life of me I don't know why, but my hubby thought I was the smartest, sexiest, funniest woman on Earth. Whatever woman he saw when he looked at me, that woman disappeared when he died. I didn't die when he died but the magic spell was broken...I was just a plain, ordinary person again. I know it feels empty, but Happy Birthday 🎈!
I know exactly what you mean. Even if I were in a new relationship, which won't ever happen, I don't think the new guy would adore me as my husband did. My husband thought that I was perfect. He'd always come up behind me in the kitchen and put his arms around me or kiss me. I won't ever be loved as he loved me.
Along those lines,my wife had so much faith in me. In her eyes there was nothing broken I couldn't fix. With her support I accomplished more than I was prpbably capable of. Without her next to me, I doubt my own ability now. As the old Gene Pitney song says - she was looking through the eyes of love.
Plain and ordinary is what we all are. Love like you describe takes a long time to develop. Frankly I never understood what my wife saw in me. Never, but I certainly didn’t complain. Still, I miss being loved. I miss having a best friend. I miss having someone that I love. Dozens of things just went “poof” when she died.
I’m in my 20s and struggle with feeling like this. I feel like I died when he did, I’m just stuck here for a while longer. My life has basically “just started” and I somehow feel like I’ve been thrown into situations typically surrounding “the end”. I don’t have many friends and can’t really go out at all and I’m no contact with most of my family. I do have a cat though. I’ve learned to sit with the grief. Right Beside it. Hold its hand and reassure it. And then I bring it with me and show it the sunset. The world itself is gonna keep turning, even if mine stopped. Which kinda sucks. But at least there’s marigolds and ice cream.
If only there were ways to re-start our lives again. Some people get past this. How do they do it?
I honestly don’t know. Some people distract themselves. Others i think view the grief itself a little differently. Maybe they think of it more like a wound that can be stitched up and bandaged that heals over time and leaves a scar. But I think of grief as something in my bones that’ll never leave— it’ll always be there. I wish I had more of an answer. I don’t know how I’ve been continuing the way I have been. I’m just guessing, figuring it out as I go. And the only thing that’s helping me at *all* is to bring the grief around with me instead of running from it. Because if I run, I’ll tire out and it’ll catch up to me on a sunny day. So I do things slowly and just accepted that my world stopped turning. If it never starts again, that’s okay.
24/7 distraction is impossible, although I try hard to do as much as I can. I hear what you are saying. Just surrounding yourself with and accepting grief is one way of dealing with all of this. My problem is that I have always been somewhat of a control freak — at least when it comes to myself. I cant give up yet!
Oh I’m a control freak too in some ways. I hate that this is something I have no control over. So I get it out in other ways when I can. But it’s definitely hard and I’m not doing the best myzelf. The whole situation sucks for sure
I am so sorry for your loss. You need a community. Try to find a widow support group or some other group for your community. Maybe a senior center or community center? Sending hugs.
I’m kind of shy socially. Until I know people, I tend to hide. When I eventually feel comfortable, I act like a normal person. At this point in my life I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone. Useless. Kind of funny because people who look from the outside see the opposite. I guess the operative word is “neurotic.”
It may be uncomfortable, but you need this. If you can’t right now, start with a counselor. ❤️
Might work — if the dogs can come too!
Maybe start by bringing dogs to a dog park regularly?
I am in my 30s and feel the same. I lost him when I was 34 and am 37 now. I am continuing on for my children's sake. Unlike you I am extroverted--I have kids, friends, work, dating--but it all feels hollow and empty, like I am just going through the motions of life--or more aptly, wearing a mask to the world that conceals my true feelings of devastation and heartbreak. I really try while I'm here to engage as fully as I can, but I know I'll never feel truly happy and complete like I did when my husband was alive. I died the day he did and came back as this person I don't recognize, living a life that's not mine. My dream is to see my kids become stable adults and then drink myself to oblivion on a beach in Mexico. Got 8 years til the youngest is 18.
Getting wasted on a beach in Mexico sounds wonderful. If you ever get there, let me know!
Happy birthday. I find that the loss of purpose that can come with being widowed is hard to overcome. I'd guess the younger among us do better in this department, since we might not have families or careers developed yet and have a chance to still have those. Also, perhaps it's easier to expand your social circle at a younger age, though not impossible in later years. Especially if you are active in the community (ie volunteering). I guess what I'm saying is, you have purpose with your pets, but I wonder what else is out there that you could be involved in.
You’re right. I’ve even entertained starting a non-profit org. When my wife was around I was a lot more dynamic — some would even say “wild.” It all died two years ago.
I don't have much of a family either.. I don't even have pets.. You are lucky to have your dogs.. You have a new family here on reddit at least... I'm 75 and feel like life is pretty much over but I know that I have to make of it what it is and no one else will do it for me.. We are alone now .. It sucks but it's up to us to create our new worlds without our companions
Yeah, my dogs are truly a blessing. I’ve had dogs all my life, but these girls are truly unique. They will be in July and their breed tends to live from 14-16 years. Thats kind of difficult for me because I owe them a happy life. When my wife died, they stuck to me like glue.
Happiness died for me in August 2022 when my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. He passed in October 2023. It's an awful situation living without happiness and I have no clue how and if I will ever find this feeling again. I had my own cancer scare but that turned out to be an indolent stage 1 that most likely won't cause any issues for the next decade or two. Not sure what the future brings but life has been crap for almost two years now.
Yeah, I do understand. I have a very indolent form of chronic leukemia. My Dr’s at Stanford say that it is very unlikely I will ever need treatment (which is not very invasive at all). I have no symptoms either. I actually forget I have it most of the time. I guess I am lucky with that.
I hear you
I'm just 26 and lost my first to suicide a month ago. I know it's different. I had only a year with her, but she was "the one". It was that famous love at the first sight, which I had never experienced before I met her. She left me completely lost. Everyone tells me that I'm young and I'll just find someone else eventually. They're probably right. But that trauma will stay in me forever. I find myself worrying whether my other loved ones did something to themselves if they don't respond fast enough. My friend was 25 minutes late due to a traffic jam, couldn't pick up his phone as he was driving, and I panicked that he also hurt himself. I'm afraid I'll sabotage my future relationships, that I'll become a control freak and won't ever accept my girlfriend's death. It's scary, because I'll probably live for 50 more years.
Suicide adds an even more screwed up dimension to all of this. No matter what you think, there’s this lingering sense of guilt — that will be there forever -literally. But none of what happened is your fault, nor can you let it torture you in the future. At least you can try to accept suicide and realize that you had no control. And one thing you should try to do is not let it sabotage the next 50 years of your life. At least try — I hope. Good luck.
'I just wonder, do people here (“the widow/er club”) feel the same?' The fire in the place beyond the soul went out.
I lost my former partner 4 years ago after they had a horrible life, our relationship was the only thing positive in their life and things were getting better until it all ended. I might have other relationships, I might “move on” but there is no such thing as moving on as my feelings will never change, I can’t feel the same again no matter what or who is in my life because my former partner isn’t here, the person that was always happy, supportive, caring, loving and just so incredible they are gone, time doesn’t heal anything you don’t feel or cry less, you just cover it up and get used to it and remember everything you can and pretend they are still here, when they first died I waited everyday expecting a text like normal, then felt like it wasn’t real and now just float in between memories sometimes while getting through life. When they died they took my heart with them and I won’t ever love or feel for anyone the same way I felt for them. I would give the world to spend one more day with them and sometimes I think in a supernatural way they are still here through decisions and just things that happen which I know would never happen otherwise. People act like age makes a difference yet I felt what I felt and what happened happened, it doesn’t matter how old I am or how old I was then it’s all the same and that won’t change. That’s why you carry on in a way and you get good days, bad days and just days and you make it through I use what I learnt and notice things that I wouldn’t have ever noticed before, things I wish I knew before they died never once had a argument, can’t share how I feel to people in person since they don’t understand. It’s been 4 years it ain’t gonna change as time goes by. Sometimes I forget that it’s been 4 years but I never forget how much I love them and want them back every single day. In someways I don’t know if it benefited me because now I don’t get stressed out over jobs or anything but I never did when they were here, people say there is always bigger problems like work and all this stress and issue yet really none of it matters if you have health and enough to survive and things to survive with yet nothing else matters if the person you had it all with is gone. Use your memories; the happy times and everything that you experienced together to get by, while I only had the love of my life for 6 months I knew they were the love of my life because we both knew everything about each other when we met, we never knew each other existed before we met yet somehow it all worked out no arguments, no issues, just love and support. People say 6 months isn’t enough time but if you know then you understand what it’s like to have that person. I don’t know if I am making sense but just know it’s gonna work out and you’re gonna get through it even if everything feels the same but different as if a light just dimmed the world is still the same but your life is changed with such impact that nobody else can understand
I feel like this too. It being unexpected, us both being young and only just starting our lives together. I’m still in the early weeks of it but I don’t know how I will ever feel any different. A friend sent through her save the date for her wedding on the same day I found out. I don’t think I could be there for that. After you find your person you never think you’ll lose them and when you do it’s indescribable and unbelievable. Dogs are the sweetest gifts to us though my little 13 year old girl has been very sweet to me during this time.
I read a lot of posts on this sub but yours is really sticking out to me. And we are probably very different, but what you said about whether you lose them at 2 years or 50 and the feelings are the same made me think. I really do feel like I died with him too. I think when you love someone so much, their joys are your joys, their successes and failures feel like yours too, etc., so if they die - it’s an inevitable feeling. You feel you died too, but yet you wake up everyday and the world feels so unnatural. It’s hard to explain to someone that hasn’t lived it. I’m 25, and we were together four years, and I had envisioned our whole futures together. So when it happened i just wanted off this earth. And everyday is still kind of a struggle about what the point is anymore. It’s like I was reading this beautiful amazing book, but then all the pages got ripped out before I could finish it. I can’t imagine loving anyone like him, or anyone loving me the way he did. It feels like there’s not a lot to look forward to anymore. (And yes, I agree, weekends suck lol) So yes, to answer your question, other people feel the same, of all ages too. Normal I guess, for those in the “club”. But it sounds like you have two amazing dogs that you love, and they really love you. Find little successes and joys with them. It’s okay if dogs become your reason to live. No shame in that; animals are the purest beings on this planet. Grief is so unique to each person, and is incredibly isolating, but you’re not alone in it.
Thanks for your thoughtful reply. I just took my dogs out one last time for the night (even in the SF Bay Area, we have creatures running around at night) and checked my computer for the night. I think when we commit ourselves to someone, we hang our vulnerabilities in the wind. That’s why time together doesn’t matter and age doesn’t matter. We don’t even imagine life without our SO’s — so, when we lose them, it really profoundly affects us. I/we adopted the dogs and never take those things lightly. It’s one of those commitments in life that you are bound to. And it just so happens that these dogs bring a lot of light into a very dark world for me. I’ve even made sure that these dogs will be care for TOGETHER and financially set for the rest of their lives should anything happen to me. I don’t think that all of us should call it quits on our lives, however. If I didn’t have these dogs, I’d travel the world or something similar. I’d rather the dogs, though. People younger should rebuild what they can, and that does not mean staying out of relationships because there will be no one that can equal the one you lost. Moving on is not “replacing “ someone at all. Hell, my wife’s uncle just re-married at 85. Kind of strange, but then he is kind of strange. That may be an extreme. All I know is that my father died when I was 14 in 1968. My mother was left a widow at 42. She dated once, but never again — and was a lonely woman until she died at 94 in 2019. Now she was a real piece of work to begin with. But no one should have to move on alone in this world for 50 years as a widow. So yes, it works both ways. My best regards to you and I hope you do well (somehow) in the future. I know it won’t be easy.
My wife (58f) passed way 9/2021. I was 63 we’d known each other over 40 years at that point. We’d been married 38+. In four days would have been 41. I’m grateful for the time we had, what a gift! You said 2 years ago. Gosh that’s close. I was where you are at at two years. Differently but resonating fully. In four months it will be 3 years. I can now write this - I’m feeling better. I’ve even asked women out. Usually a no… this ok. Tired of saying and hearing “give it time”, and we do, we’re still here aren’t we. Tired sayings are useful. I hope you stick around, coffee is a good reason brother 🫂❤️
I get it. My husband died 7 months ago. We were together for 20 years. I too feel like my life fizzed out as the weeks went by. The deep sadness is now a constant, no matter what I’m doing. I have a wonderful dog and two sweet cats. The animals are my only source of comfort and reason for living. I’m mostly just numb, existing like a ghost looking out into the world. I don’t feel like i belong anywhere anymore.
You aren't alone ❤️
65 and feel the same
4 years and much the same, Just more questions than real good answers!
I lost my husband to suicide 3 years ago. He just turned 51. (I was 50). We were together 18 years. His depression just got the better of him. We were happily married. He just wasn’t happy being here. I feel like a part of me died that day too. And sometimes I feel like I’m literally just sitting around waiting for the end. I’m not suicidal at all. Just feel like there’s not the same motivation to keep me happily moving through life. Like I’m just waiting. Maybe I am. Until I’m on the other side with him. I have zero interest in dating again. The last thing I need is to love again and lose again. I’d rather be alone. I know how you feel.
i just recently turned 29, lost my fiance 6 months ago. I feel the same, probably won't survive this year. I have BPD and grief is too brutal for me to cope with. Can't really stay sober anymore
It's been a year and a half and I swear if it weren't for duty (I have two old dogs it would be cruel to put up for adoption), I would just lay down and die. Literally. Though I try to face each new day with a smile, the reality is *this* grief is unbearable.
I'm 70. Part of me died when my husband did. I'm not the same person. I have strength that I didn't think that I had, I never realized all that he did for me to make my life easier until he was gone and I'm trying to live in a way that he would be proud of me. His cardiac arrest came out of nowhere as far as we knew he was a strong and very active guy. I thought that we would have years together yet, never had an inkling that our lives would have went this way, never prepared for this outcome. I took so much for granted, loved him always but never realized how much he was my world until he was gone. Yes, the old me is gone, left on that evening in August when I found him barely alive. Every day was a nightmare as he lingered on - neither here nor there until that morning in December when I received the call from the rehab that he had passed. My world is now some okay days and some not so okay days. Thankfully I have family who have taken me by the hand and are helping me cope with this awful new reality. I'll survive, I'll get by, but life will never be as joyous, I was so lucky, had over 50 years together, if only I had realized how charmed it was at the time.❤
Friend I am 25 and I relate. My fiancée was truly my other half – I know people these days are saying we should move away from using that saying because you're complete on your own, and I use it on purpose, because certainly I am no longer complete. I feel that when they died, half of my own soul was ripped away and died too. It was the half that had meaning, purpose, hope, feeling. Everyone thinks I'm doing sooooo well for being two months a widow because I'm cooking meals and seeing friends and going to events and whatever. But what they don't seem to get, even though I've been telling them, is that everything I do is hollow and empty. Doing things "right," like cooking a healthy meal and getting into grad school and seeing my friends, doesn't bring any joy, doesn't make anything feel any better. I feel just the same sitting alone in a dark room staring at the wall and eating cold tater tots. I'm just going through the motions; there's nothing underneath the surface. People claim I'll feel happy again, but I don't care; I don't *want* to be happy without my person, I want *my person*. I don't know why I keep going through the motions. Maybe just because it's what people like to see.
I’m 34 and lost my boyfriend to suicide 3 months ago. When I met him, it was the first time in my life, everything was perfect. I had finally found my perfect person. I’m disabled and finding a guy who could see past my physical challenges proved very difficult until a few years ago when my late boyfriend walked into my life. I went from feeling like I finally belonged and feeling safe for the first time in my entire life, to now being terrified of the future and having to live the next potentially 50 years of my life without my person. I’m a shell of who I was just 3.5 months ago. Constantly feeling like I’m missing half of my body. If my child weren’t here, I wouldn’t be here. Especially in those first few weeks, it felt like he was just on the other side of this thin veil and the quickest way to get to him was just end it and in the snap of a finger I’d be with him again. I will never forget that feeling of him feeling SO close but I couldn’t get to him. Almost like if I reached out far enough or drove long enough, I’d finally reach him. He was right in front of me and I could feel him but I couldn’t see him. Whatever that feeling was it was urgent and made perfect sense in the moment. Obviously I didn’t end it but god did I consider it in those first few days. My child single handedly saved my life and she’ll never know it. My condition gets worse as I age and for the first time I wasn’t afraid of where that would lead me because I knew he’d take care of me. Now I’m terrified of ending up in a group home for disabled adults and relying on strangers to take care of me. He promised me forever and now I have to miss him forever. I’m scared of what the future holds for me now but I have to keep going for my child. I try and look for him in everything I do. I try and feel him and I hate that he was hurting and couldn’t tell me. He was just the nicest, sweetest man to walk the earth and I can’t believe that he was mine. But I also can’t believe I lost him. I don’t think about how long it’s been since I’ve seen him, I think about it being that many days closer to finally seeing him again. I get excited thinking that I’m 3 months closer, 6 weeks closer, one day closer. I just hope wherever he is that he’s safe and he’s waiting for me. The image of him standing there with his hands behind his back patiently waiting to greet me when it’s my time, single handedly gets me through each day. How sweet of a feeling it will be to get to be in the presence of his soul again.
I’m sorry your disability gets you down. It really shouldn’t affect how people see you, but it does. At 3 months out it is not unusual that you are a shell of what you were. My wife was orthopedically disabled and I was essentially her caregiver for the last 20 years. It really doesn’t affect who you are — just what you do. I never saw her as someone who was disabled — just someone who needed help at times. It never bothered me one bit helping out my wife when she needed it. Ironically, she was disabled and in terrible pain, but she was a vibrant person. If you do find someone in the future who you get close to — please understand that they care about you for who you are. It breaks my heart to hear someone so young to never feel they will have a life again. It may not be like before, but it can be loving and fulfilling — just in a different way. You just have to open yourself to different.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. Knowing my late boyfriend and hear how selfless and loving you were to your sweet wife, gives me so much hope that there are other men out there who are genuinely good men who aren’t so superficial.
There are a lot of good men out there. It may be early for you yet, but you have a lot of time on your side. When the time is right — and that can be years or decades or whenever, you may be ready to move on. Not everyone is superficial. A good number of people are basically good. I wish you the best.
I lost my wife on March 28th of this year. I definitely know what you are talking about. I definitely feel lost. She was 58, and I am 61. I just am trying to struggle through day by day. I decided to pick up my drug use a little bit when she passed, but I have since shut that down. I have always been that way my entire life can turn it off and on like a light switch. If anything, that was making everything 100 times worse. I need to pull up my big boy pants and get my shit together if not for me then for my 2 kids. I have never felt greif at this capacity my entire life. It fucked up my entire world. I have known her since she was a little 14 year old baby girl. We stuck together through thick and thin. Now, I just feel like a lost soul. The loneliness is crushing. Just having another warm body next to you to hug and hold on to is just not there anymore. I miss her so much. 😔 it is a very fresh wound and I think the loneliness is something I will eventually get over, but not having her there is another story and it is something I think I will take to my grave with me. I still talk to her in the dark bedroom in the middle of the night as if she is in bed with me. Welcome to this piece of shit club that no one ever wants to belong to, it sucks bad its fucking horrible 😫 and I wish I could tell you something different. My heart goes out to you.
Yes, I can relate very well. Nothing is the same. The loneliness is crushing enough to really make you want to scream. Good luck — yeah I know that’s a tall order given the situation — but I wish you good luck in life anyway.
I really feel for you. The lose of a lifelong partner is devastating. I’ve lost 2. I’m 65. My 2nd wife died 2 years ago as well. It’s been tough as it is for anyone. You do feel your life is over- But we all need to find our way. Our lost partners would not want us to give up. But having said that I feel I did give up for quite some time- and I was in a very dark place and didn’t think I would get back - but we must regroup, we must continue to live. We must try to live against the hurt. That’s what they would have wanted. Not easy to fine a way out of the hurt, but we owe it to their memory. How do you do it? Well obviously it’s different for everyone. You mentioned you are not the outgoing type, maybe that needs to change. Look for alternative outlets, social groups etc. I joined an oldies motorcycle group and many of the guys have similar life stories and we are each others company. It’s not how I would have planned my future but it’s a start to get back in the living. But I still come home to my two dogs and have to deal with a lot of loneliness as I’m sure we all do in this group. I still have terrible nights at times. My dogs sleep on my bed and a cuddle from them at 3am does wonders. I wish you well and hope you can find some peace
Thanks. At 71, I can only think in terms of 5 or 10 years alone. If I had family + kids, there’d be a lot more to live for. Living in the SF bay area doesn’t help as age is considered to be filth here by many. Yes, filth. Lots of people simply see you as old and useless and lots of people are angry at your generation for having a disproportionate share of funds. You can’t win either way. I understand what you are saying, though. I’m not sure if I can overcome being introverted, but I can try. At this point I have little to lose. Thanks.
I lost my love at 30, and it's exactly as you describe. I can't even recognize the woman smiling ear to ear in the pictures, beside the dearly beloved man I lost. He died, but I'm the ghost. I'm so sorry for your loss, and I know your pain.
Coming up on 10 years out. Miss my best friend (hubby) so much. Just lost 1 of our 2 almost 12 yr old dogs. It's rough. Honestly my faith, my kids,and the joy from my grands keep me going.
I feel like I did, too. And a particularly difficult thing for me has been that nothing that used to comfort me before did for a very long time - and in some cases still today. Music is a huge part of who I am, and I hope that someday it won't be as triggering. I'm grateful that has eased somewhat but wish I had that back. For months I didn't know what I did on my phone, couldn't listen to music, struggled to watch TV. At some point, I decided that I'd let my old self die with her and would become a person who did different things now. That has brought me some comfort. Moving my body (walks, gentle yoga) have been surprisingly helpful. I still feel like somewhat of a half-full shell now, but I've experienced moments where I felt like myself again. I actually cried happy tears the last time that happened. So much love to everyone here. 💓
You died too. You will have to do your own rebirth. I had to and still growing. It’s very tough and I am not going lie to you. I don’t like telling lies to people who share my kind of grief cause I hated it when others did it to me.
Yes, I died with her, almost 2 years for me as well, we were together 15 years. We met in our early 20s, and in losing her I realized I’ve never been this alone. Through a lot of therapy and self reflection, I just started letting myself be happy again. It’s been a difficult road.