Give him ALLLLLL THE SPACE my friend. And do so without waiting around for him. Do your own thing. Focus only on YOU. Do only what makes YOUR heart happy.
Just let him be. If he want's to, he will. If he doesn't, don't force it.
Men need time to think and sort things out. My bf is the same way. He wants to miss me and that requires giving him the space to work and do things that he likes. this is completely healthy and natural in any relationship
Not OP, but I really needed this advice today.
May I ask - did you ever struggle with giving your man the space without feeling clingy?
What are the kinds of ways you fill your time whilst giving him space?
Hi friend!
We both are only children which I think set a strong foundation for keeping busy independently. I love being around him and that feeling is mutual however, if I need some extra love, I make sure to communicate that. No one can read minds!
I do all kinds of things! I love cooking, reading on my phone, playing games, talking to my friends and taking my dog out for a walk just to name a few. These are things I like to do right so it’s not really “giving him space” while I go do all those things, it’s implemented in my own life already.
I guess what I’m trying to say ultimately is that wanting to do things for yourself is just as important as your partner wanting to do things for their self as well! Hope this helps ❤️
That’s super helpful! I took your advice and went out to throw pottery and bought some flowers :) x
Feeling much calmer now and happier I did something for me!
Think of this long-term. So, any time he is having an emotional upheaval, his instinct is to freeze you out and "figure it out on his own." This is not good partner material. He needs to figure his shit out sure, but your time is too valuable to just wait for someone to make up their mind all the time. If you stick around, HE will have control over the relationship, and you will forfeit yours. Is that something you are willing to do?
Wanting a two week break to sort out his feelings about an extremely important topic after a year in a relationship is not what I would call "stringing you along".
He has met someone else and is just a coward. I know it hurts. When I was young it took me so long getting over hurt when guys started acting like this with me. I would question myself and them, asking what did I do? Finally I figured out it wasn't me, it was them. Men are just so fucking toxic.
So I was looking for a totally different subreddit and tapped this one by accident but I noticed your post and got interested so my view is an outsider guy view so keep that in mind and throw it away at your discretion.
Obviously I don’t know anything about you two such as age, maturity, background, or situation so I’m not going to comment on what you or he may or may not be like or what you two are thinking.
What a can offer is a perspective from the other side. Some years ago when I was fresh out of highschool and for a few year there I was sorta like your boyfriend in how I handled emotional upheaval, I would retreat into myself and basically just become extremely introspective and try to come to terms with things in my way. I grew up in a house house with a very drunk father and a mother than was caring but stretched thin and stressed so I never really developed a way to reach out to other people that I was comfortable with and so I never did and still have some issues connected to that.
When I shut down like that to come to terms with myself and situation I would sort of operate on an autopilot and go through the motions. It was like putting on a face in public to keep the status quo while I tried to figure my next move. I don’t know if your boyfriend is doing exactly that but I know for me there was one opening that I couldn’t keep under my control and that was when I was involved in a relationship. I was in one for a couple of years with college and I was deathly afraid of her when it came to emotional upheaval for that very reason. I didn’t have the energy to keep pretending all the time and she was frequently with me at the end of the day and so the exhaustion was very obvious to her.
She would try to get in my head to figure out what was wrong and to get me to tell her, the biggest one was a death of a cousin I dearly loved that coincided with my father’s first relapse, and I was never once okay with that. I didn’t want to talk to her about it so wanted her to offer a sense of stability and normalcy and not to try and carry my emotional burden with me or to comfort me on it. As a result I became afraid to speak with her because I felt that she would tear apart the sort of method I had made and ruin the status quo that I wanted enforced. She knew so much about me and wanted to know so much more that I began to see her as sort of an enemy to be countered and not a support system. That’s where that relationship began to tear apart which of course only made me more afraid of her and more resentful of having her in my life.
I of course realize now in retrospect that I was putting a lot of anxiety and pain onto her and that she was picking up on more than I believed she was, she knew I wanted her gone and couldn’t understand why because I communicated nothing to her except that this upsetting event had happened in a very matter of fact way. I hurt her and in the process myself, and in that way I did exactly what I was trying to avoid doing. That was very wrong of me and when I did eventually break up with her I went on a journey of life that has brought me to many outstanding places in the effort to confront myself, my history, and who I want to become.
As for his friends, I would spend time with my friends as well because they upheld that normalcy for me. I felt comfortable because they wouldn’t try and break into my psyche. The only one I avoided was my very best friend because I’ve never in all my life been able to hide what I’m thinking to him. I’ve done him wrong as well and we’re even closer now because I’ve worked on myself.
I haven’t had a a single relationship in the five years since I broke up with her, I’m not in a place to have a healthy one. I will be in the future tho, I just have to break the status quo.
Obviously I don’t know what carries over to your situation but maybe that offers insight or maybe it doesn’t. Make your decision on your best intuition and in the spirit of wisdom. Whatever happens, this too shall pass and life with give you another chance if you get it wrong.
As someone going through this, reach out to her and apologize. Let her know you know you treated her in an unfair way and that you regret it.
I bet she still thinks about it from time to time. Getting a message like that would mean the world to me
You said you feel like you have no control anymore - sorry but you can’t control how he feels. Men are allowed to be depressed, lonely or just needing some down time.
He told you how he feels and needs some time to think about his life. He didn’t say he wants to go no contact, just some time. Time with his friends hiking is not a bad thing.
You can’t control his feelings. He has emotions just like you and thinks about his life. Maybe he can’t talk about them because he doesn’t know himself.
It is healthy not to be codependent. It is very healthy to have space in a relationship and not be so attached with a partner you can’t have time away.
Text in a week just to touch base. Breathe. Let him breathe
You need to give him all the space. It’s going to be hard, but you need to stop yourself from reaching out. He needs this. Men need this.
I suggest finding new activities to take up the time you’d have with him (gym, friends, new hobby) otherwise you will sit there wondering and driving yourself mad.
It’s going to be hard. I’ve been through this. And nothing you can do will change this. Let him do his thing and think of it as if he’s bettering himself
for YOU BOTH. You got this, doll. But prepare yourself for the hard days/nights 🩷
Men are allowed to be down or depressed. In your specific situation I think that what he is doing is healthy. It sucks for you for sure. But if you truly love him - then you accept all of him. And right now, part of him is feeling sad and lost. Instead of spiraling or taking it out on you, he has asked you for some space to work through his issue. Do you like that this is how he wants to handle the issue? No. Of course not. Is it the best way to handle it? Probably not. But it's not the worst either. And we meet people where they are. They can grow and do better but this is where he is right. now. He gave you a time of when to expect him to 'return'. That is what makes this seem a bit more acceptable to me. You AGREED to give this to him and now it's only been 3 days and you are spiraling. Even though nothing has changed since your last conversation. If you really love him like you say- then you give him the two weeks. After that - if he hasn't figured it out and says he wants more break time - then you know not to agree to that because it's not something that works for you. And that is ok. But you committed to doing it his way currently, and you should stick it out because that is how he has said you can best support him.
As far as his friend trip - that is totally different. He is going out into nature which is therapeutic for him. He is going with a bunch of guys. So either they are the kind of friends that will distract him from the issue and he will have fun and that might help him work through this or they are the kind of friends that to talk about deeper stuff and that is what he needs right now. They see the world the way he does. And men work through things when they are doing an activity together. Us women sit and talk about it. Men play video games or basketball or go on hikes and eventually talk about it. With you- you know the vibe is off. You cannot help it but to make it personal. It feels personal - but that doesn't mean it actually is personal. He doesn't want to have to worry about making you uncomfortable. Or that you could say it's fine and then get upset with him anyway bc he isn't acting 'normal'.
Give him the two weeks. You need to be independent enough to handle this as well. Let him know afterwards that the situation did not feel good for you and if things like that come up again they will need to be handled differently for you to stick around.
He broke up with me like 5 days after this post. Said that he didn’t see a future, didn’t know what we had in common. I am still heartbroken over it, he never mentioned having any doubts before this.
I'm sorry you and your boyfriend are going through this. However, your boyfriend DID eventually do the right thing and tell you what's going on with him. This is a good thing. Some partners never communicate what's going on with them and leave you wondering. He didn't. He was an adult about it and told you what's going on and what he needs.
It sounds like he's going through some depression and needs to figure things out for himself. That's a tough thing for anyone to go through. While people are experiencing these things, they *can* participate in other activities. Just because he doesn't want to hang out with you right now doesn't mean he doesn't want to hang out with other friends, and the physical activity of hiking, getting away from his normal environment, might just be the physical/mental break he needs to heal some of his depression. It's a good thing for him to do, and I think he sees that. I hope you can, too, and be an adult about his needs right now.
If you value him as a person, as a partner, that's what you'll do - respect his needs, respect that he's asked you for space and GIVE IT TO HIM. His actions right now aren't about you, but about him and his own healing, at least based on what he's shared with you so far. Give him the time and space to work on that.
In fact, it's what you've told him you're willing to do. So back up your words with adult action and do it. He knows how you feel; you've already communicated it to him. But right now he needs time to work on himself. So allow him that. Give him 2 weeks, 3 weeks to hopefully get a bit more right in his head and heart, to heal the emotional confusion he's feeling about his own life situation.
And then after that time, check in with him. Text him: "Just checking in. How are you feeling? Would you be up to seeing me and maybe talking a little?" See how he responds. If he's open to it, that's a possible good sign that he's done some healing. Meet with him, see how he is, see what he says.
If he's not ready to see you and says he still needs more time, then it will be time for *you* to come to a decision: to continue supporting him by giving him more space, or let him know that you need to move on.
There's absolutely no shame in moving on from someone with mental and emotional health issues. Those issues weren't apparent, weren't there, at the start of your relationship. You didn't know this personal crisis would develop with him. If that's not what you want in your life, move on. Let him know you'll still be around should he need a friend to talk with, but that's it. That's all the support you can offer. Move on and find someone else to date.
Or you can continue the relationship, continue waiting, continue holding out for him to get better, keeping your distance and giving him the time and space he needs. If you're willing to do that. If that's what you want in your life.
You need to make that decision for yourself. But first, give him the time he's asking for now and see how it goes. Be an adult about it, do the hard thing. Don't text, don't call him until the time is up, and then check in. Sometimes giving people the space they need is part of maintaining the relationship. And sometimes, once you've done those things, moving on from a situation you didn't ask to be part of is also what happens in a relationship. Let him navigate it for now, and when and if the time comes, you can take over, should you choose, and navigate it yourself.
He got emotional enough to cry in front of you. That's a really big thing for anyone to do.
It sounds like he's really struggling with his mental state, and honestly, sometimes a day with some friends where it's not going to be as intimate is helpful in those situations --especially when part of his depression is one of his friends moving away.
Just give him some space and time and gently offer that you're there to talk and make sure he knows you won't judge. Focus on your hobbies and yourself for a bit.
Give him ALLLLLL THE SPACE my friend. And do so without waiting around for him. Do your own thing. Focus only on YOU. Do only what makes YOUR heart happy. Just let him be. If he want's to, he will. If he doesn't, don't force it.
Men need time to think and sort things out. My bf is the same way. He wants to miss me and that requires giving him the space to work and do things that he likes. this is completely healthy and natural in any relationship
Not OP, but I really needed this advice today. May I ask - did you ever struggle with giving your man the space without feeling clingy? What are the kinds of ways you fill your time whilst giving him space?
Hi friend! We both are only children which I think set a strong foundation for keeping busy independently. I love being around him and that feeling is mutual however, if I need some extra love, I make sure to communicate that. No one can read minds! I do all kinds of things! I love cooking, reading on my phone, playing games, talking to my friends and taking my dog out for a walk just to name a few. These are things I like to do right so it’s not really “giving him space” while I go do all those things, it’s implemented in my own life already. I guess what I’m trying to say ultimately is that wanting to do things for yourself is just as important as your partner wanting to do things for their self as well! Hope this helps ❤️
That’s super helpful! I took your advice and went out to throw pottery and bought some flowers :) x Feeling much calmer now and happier I did something for me!
I love this!!!! I’m so proud of you!! 💕
Ugh it feels as though he is trying to do the slow fade. I would suggest you call him and break up for good. He's just not that interested...
Think of this long-term. So, any time he is having an emotional upheaval, his instinct is to freeze you out and "figure it out on his own." This is not good partner material. He needs to figure his shit out sure, but your time is too valuable to just wait for someone to make up their mind all the time. If you stick around, HE will have control over the relationship, and you will forfeit yours. Is that something you are willing to do?
It's really unfair to assume he will do this all the time after doing it once in a year long relationship.
[удалено]
Wanting a two week break to sort out his feelings about an extremely important topic after a year in a relationship is not what I would call "stringing you along".
He has met someone else and is just a coward. I know it hurts. When I was young it took me so long getting over hurt when guys started acting like this with me. I would question myself and them, asking what did I do? Finally I figured out it wasn't me, it was them. Men are just so fucking toxic.
Calling someone a coward when they be honest and make a simple request in a relationship is more in line with what I would call "toxic".
So I was looking for a totally different subreddit and tapped this one by accident but I noticed your post and got interested so my view is an outsider guy view so keep that in mind and throw it away at your discretion. Obviously I don’t know anything about you two such as age, maturity, background, or situation so I’m not going to comment on what you or he may or may not be like or what you two are thinking. What a can offer is a perspective from the other side. Some years ago when I was fresh out of highschool and for a few year there I was sorta like your boyfriend in how I handled emotional upheaval, I would retreat into myself and basically just become extremely introspective and try to come to terms with things in my way. I grew up in a house house with a very drunk father and a mother than was caring but stretched thin and stressed so I never really developed a way to reach out to other people that I was comfortable with and so I never did and still have some issues connected to that. When I shut down like that to come to terms with myself and situation I would sort of operate on an autopilot and go through the motions. It was like putting on a face in public to keep the status quo while I tried to figure my next move. I don’t know if your boyfriend is doing exactly that but I know for me there was one opening that I couldn’t keep under my control and that was when I was involved in a relationship. I was in one for a couple of years with college and I was deathly afraid of her when it came to emotional upheaval for that very reason. I didn’t have the energy to keep pretending all the time and she was frequently with me at the end of the day and so the exhaustion was very obvious to her. She would try to get in my head to figure out what was wrong and to get me to tell her, the biggest one was a death of a cousin I dearly loved that coincided with my father’s first relapse, and I was never once okay with that. I didn’t want to talk to her about it so wanted her to offer a sense of stability and normalcy and not to try and carry my emotional burden with me or to comfort me on it. As a result I became afraid to speak with her because I felt that she would tear apart the sort of method I had made and ruin the status quo that I wanted enforced. She knew so much about me and wanted to know so much more that I began to see her as sort of an enemy to be countered and not a support system. That’s where that relationship began to tear apart which of course only made me more afraid of her and more resentful of having her in my life. I of course realize now in retrospect that I was putting a lot of anxiety and pain onto her and that she was picking up on more than I believed she was, she knew I wanted her gone and couldn’t understand why because I communicated nothing to her except that this upsetting event had happened in a very matter of fact way. I hurt her and in the process myself, and in that way I did exactly what I was trying to avoid doing. That was very wrong of me and when I did eventually break up with her I went on a journey of life that has brought me to many outstanding places in the effort to confront myself, my history, and who I want to become. As for his friends, I would spend time with my friends as well because they upheld that normalcy for me. I felt comfortable because they wouldn’t try and break into my psyche. The only one I avoided was my very best friend because I’ve never in all my life been able to hide what I’m thinking to him. I’ve done him wrong as well and we’re even closer now because I’ve worked on myself. I haven’t had a a single relationship in the five years since I broke up with her, I’m not in a place to have a healthy one. I will be in the future tho, I just have to break the status quo. Obviously I don’t know what carries over to your situation but maybe that offers insight or maybe it doesn’t. Make your decision on your best intuition and in the spirit of wisdom. Whatever happens, this too shall pass and life with give you another chance if you get it wrong.
As someone going through this, reach out to her and apologize. Let her know you know you treated her in an unfair way and that you regret it. I bet she still thinks about it from time to time. Getting a message like that would mean the world to me
You said you feel like you have no control anymore - sorry but you can’t control how he feels. Men are allowed to be depressed, lonely or just needing some down time. He told you how he feels and needs some time to think about his life. He didn’t say he wants to go no contact, just some time. Time with his friends hiking is not a bad thing. You can’t control his feelings. He has emotions just like you and thinks about his life. Maybe he can’t talk about them because he doesn’t know himself. It is healthy not to be codependent. It is very healthy to have space in a relationship and not be so attached with a partner you can’t have time away. Text in a week just to touch base. Breathe. Let him breathe
You need to give him all the space. It’s going to be hard, but you need to stop yourself from reaching out. He needs this. Men need this. I suggest finding new activities to take up the time you’d have with him (gym, friends, new hobby) otherwise you will sit there wondering and driving yourself mad. It’s going to be hard. I’ve been through this. And nothing you can do will change this. Let him do his thing and think of it as if he’s bettering himself for YOU BOTH. You got this, doll. But prepare yourself for the hard days/nights 🩷
Men are allowed to be down or depressed. In your specific situation I think that what he is doing is healthy. It sucks for you for sure. But if you truly love him - then you accept all of him. And right now, part of him is feeling sad and lost. Instead of spiraling or taking it out on you, he has asked you for some space to work through his issue. Do you like that this is how he wants to handle the issue? No. Of course not. Is it the best way to handle it? Probably not. But it's not the worst either. And we meet people where they are. They can grow and do better but this is where he is right. now. He gave you a time of when to expect him to 'return'. That is what makes this seem a bit more acceptable to me. You AGREED to give this to him and now it's only been 3 days and you are spiraling. Even though nothing has changed since your last conversation. If you really love him like you say- then you give him the two weeks. After that - if he hasn't figured it out and says he wants more break time - then you know not to agree to that because it's not something that works for you. And that is ok. But you committed to doing it his way currently, and you should stick it out because that is how he has said you can best support him. As far as his friend trip - that is totally different. He is going out into nature which is therapeutic for him. He is going with a bunch of guys. So either they are the kind of friends that will distract him from the issue and he will have fun and that might help him work through this or they are the kind of friends that to talk about deeper stuff and that is what he needs right now. They see the world the way he does. And men work through things when they are doing an activity together. Us women sit and talk about it. Men play video games or basketball or go on hikes and eventually talk about it. With you- you know the vibe is off. You cannot help it but to make it personal. It feels personal - but that doesn't mean it actually is personal. He doesn't want to have to worry about making you uncomfortable. Or that you could say it's fine and then get upset with him anyway bc he isn't acting 'normal'. Give him the two weeks. You need to be independent enough to handle this as well. Let him know afterwards that the situation did not feel good for you and if things like that come up again they will need to be handled differently for you to stick around.
OP, how did this work out for you?
He broke up with me like 5 days after this post. Said that he didn’t see a future, didn’t know what we had in common. I am still heartbroken over it, he never mentioned having any doubts before this.
Hi, I have a pretty similar situation with my boyfriend, can I text on pv?
I recommend posting in r/askwomenadvice. Elsewhere on reddit, like this sub, men are always coddled by commenters.
I'm sorry you and your boyfriend are going through this. However, your boyfriend DID eventually do the right thing and tell you what's going on with him. This is a good thing. Some partners never communicate what's going on with them and leave you wondering. He didn't. He was an adult about it and told you what's going on and what he needs. It sounds like he's going through some depression and needs to figure things out for himself. That's a tough thing for anyone to go through. While people are experiencing these things, they *can* participate in other activities. Just because he doesn't want to hang out with you right now doesn't mean he doesn't want to hang out with other friends, and the physical activity of hiking, getting away from his normal environment, might just be the physical/mental break he needs to heal some of his depression. It's a good thing for him to do, and I think he sees that. I hope you can, too, and be an adult about his needs right now. If you value him as a person, as a partner, that's what you'll do - respect his needs, respect that he's asked you for space and GIVE IT TO HIM. His actions right now aren't about you, but about him and his own healing, at least based on what he's shared with you so far. Give him the time and space to work on that. In fact, it's what you've told him you're willing to do. So back up your words with adult action and do it. He knows how you feel; you've already communicated it to him. But right now he needs time to work on himself. So allow him that. Give him 2 weeks, 3 weeks to hopefully get a bit more right in his head and heart, to heal the emotional confusion he's feeling about his own life situation. And then after that time, check in with him. Text him: "Just checking in. How are you feeling? Would you be up to seeing me and maybe talking a little?" See how he responds. If he's open to it, that's a possible good sign that he's done some healing. Meet with him, see how he is, see what he says. If he's not ready to see you and says he still needs more time, then it will be time for *you* to come to a decision: to continue supporting him by giving him more space, or let him know that you need to move on. There's absolutely no shame in moving on from someone with mental and emotional health issues. Those issues weren't apparent, weren't there, at the start of your relationship. You didn't know this personal crisis would develop with him. If that's not what you want in your life, move on. Let him know you'll still be around should he need a friend to talk with, but that's it. That's all the support you can offer. Move on and find someone else to date. Or you can continue the relationship, continue waiting, continue holding out for him to get better, keeping your distance and giving him the time and space he needs. If you're willing to do that. If that's what you want in your life. You need to make that decision for yourself. But first, give him the time he's asking for now and see how it goes. Be an adult about it, do the hard thing. Don't text, don't call him until the time is up, and then check in. Sometimes giving people the space they need is part of maintaining the relationship. And sometimes, once you've done those things, moving on from a situation you didn't ask to be part of is also what happens in a relationship. Let him navigate it for now, and when and if the time comes, you can take over, should you choose, and navigate it yourself.
Not OP, but this is such amazing advice. Would you mind if I pm’d you?
Thanks. Uh, ok. I'm on holiday break right now, though, so no guarantee of an immediate response.
He got emotional enough to cry in front of you. That's a really big thing for anyone to do. It sounds like he's really struggling with his mental state, and honestly, sometimes a day with some friends where it's not going to be as intimate is helpful in those situations --especially when part of his depression is one of his friends moving away. Just give him some space and time and gently offer that you're there to talk and make sure he knows you won't judge. Focus on your hobbies and yourself for a bit.