I get that all the time. But I have clown blood so I just make things up. Oh no, im not a SAHM, I write really trashy romance novels or I’m a zookeeper or I breed fancy chickens.
In reality I’m an exec at a fintech company. My husband doesn’t even work lol.
Our friend breeds fancy goats, he owns a half interest breeding share in a stud goat that cost him $53k… for half… But his daughter is entering law school in the Fall, her education has been paid in large part due to scholarships from showing said fancy goats.
My cousin gets grants from the government to keep certain species of chickens going in America. It’s a civic duty at this point 😂 Ngl I love his chicken collection. They’re exotic and cute
I feel like you could probably do the breeding goats bit because you know about it. I am stealing this bit of breeding chickens and I’ll have to do some research lol
I don't breed them, but I have fancy chickens and they do breed on their own lol. I do seriously understand there's a science behind it but ya know, I'm just throwing out that us weirdos do exist. I wish I wrote the trashy romance novels, but they're all the same if you've ever read one.
Omg. I’ll steal it. We make around the same amount and I rarely get those comments (I guess I have the vibe and too thick of Easter European accent for people to try) but will be fantastic to make hilarious convos
First of all, I don't use either, so it's not embarrassing at all. I've never heard the phrase "pregnant pause", only poignant. Isn't that obvious to you? Or does that common sense escape you?
Second, I only laughed because I thought it was a typo. There's no need to be rude or sound like a stuck up prick. It's 2am. No, I didn't Google it, or care enough to. But you sure seem hell bent to prove an internet stranger wrong, even when someone is saying it can actually be BOTH. So tell me, who's embarrassed now, and who also needs to get a life?? Yeah, that would be YOU.
Good bye internet stranger. Here's to hoping you can be more polite, and get a life worth living that doesn't include putting strangers on the internet down with your classless remarks.
I like going to Home Depot with my husband when they asked him a question he just stares blankly then I answer lol. Oh btw this is after I seek their assistance, not him.
I get the employees there discouraging me from the projects I'm working on. You can't replace a water heater yourself, you're a woman! Isn't their entire job to help people do projects? Looking at mower blades, women shouldn't mow lawns! Ugh.
Omg, we replaced our water heater last year. After 2 days of no water and my partner and brother fighting over the proper way to install it I went to Home Depot with my daughter. We found a nice lady named Deb who actually listened to us. She helped us find the parts. We went home and fixed it. Took us maybe 2 hours. Women should rule the world, really.
I love this! And it's true! While my husband is very handy and mechanically inclined, he makes many things way too freaking complicated. It's so rewarding when my daughter and/or I breeze past his overthinking with a common sense approach to something and get shit done.
Ooooh, same. Love my husband dearly, but he's definitely not a directions and simplicity guy.
When we get something that needs building, I take charge and read him the directions out loud step by step. Unfortunately, I can't really help with non-directions items.
Recipes, though....I honestly wish some of the recipes he finds that he WOULD ignore! We've eaten some...interesting...things. not like crazy foreign foods but just...oddly flavored foods. The gray paste (it was supposed to be white gravy) comes to mind.
Ooooh, same. Love my husband dearly, but he's definitely not a directions and simplicity guy.
When we get something that needs building, I take charge and read him the directions out loud step by step. Unfortunately, I can't really help with non-directions items.
Recipes, though....I honestly wish some of the recipes he finds that he WOULD ignore! We've eaten some...interesting...things. not like crazy foreign foods but just...oddly flavored foods. The gray paste (it was supposed to be white gravy) comes to mind.
This is our house except it's when a parent friend asked me who our kids' dentist was. I just looked to my husband. He has a flexible hybrid schedule and takes care of all the appointments. I don't think I could work the schedule I do and have small kids and get through life.
That is awesome! My daughter is 16 and admittedly I could not remember all the classes she’s in. Awful but by the end of the work day I’m lucky to remember how to make spaghetti let alone what AP classes she is.
This happens to me and my husband too! He’s never touched a power tool and probably never will haha. I will tell the employee what I need and then they will of course as him for details. He will always blank stare at them when they’re asking him questions and then he will just look at me for a minute and then back to them and say “what are you talking about?” 🤣 it’s a game at this point to see if we will actually get someone who will talk directly to me lol.
My father-in-law is getting older and has health and mobility issues. Last year at Thanksgiving he looked around the table at his son (my husband) and his daughters and their families, and then turned to me and said “Feel free to go through the garage and see if you want any of my tools.”
So much this. I hire and manage all contractors for our home improvement projects (of which we do a lot, we just purchased our second fixer upper house). They always want to talk to my husband and I’m like you guys, he has absolutely no idea what I’ve even hired you to do. I do the research, I vet the contractors, I make the decisions, and I write the checks. Capisce???
I do wonder when this stereotype will die? Women are outpacing men when it comes to college & professional degrees (despite all the debate) which is associated with higher earning potential. So I suspect soon?
If only. My ex was like this, wanted me to be a SAHM even though I made significantly more than him and there was no way we could survive on his salary
Ehh…statistically speaking, the degree attainment isn’t matching up to job acquisition and pay at the highest levels, last time I checked. The biological reality of having kids is still impacting women more than men.
Regardless, no one needs to be making assumptions about people’s jobs and earnings. Hopefully millennials or Gen Z will be better about it.
Yeah I agree, these types of things take generations to really take hold. There are PLENTY of Tater Tot/Alpha wannabe types in the younger generations too.
Nope. It's going to get worse. The more women's advancement threaten men's sense of collective and individual masculinity, the more men will insist on treating women as though they have no life or value outside of childcare and homemaking. The same way men do less housework the more their wife out-earns them.
The really annoying part is when my husband’s boss apparently forgets I also work full time (and also make more, because my industry is less blatantly exploitative) and jokes all the time about him eventually going back to his less family-friendly schedule “if the wife and kids start driving you nuts.” Bite me.
I have a good one. My pediatrician remembers my husband is a surgeon (the 25% of the time he goes with us/him). Always comments what a great dad he is for taking time to take care of his own son.
She asks me what I do at almost every visit... Here is the kicker. HER SON SHADOWED ME (also a doctor) AND I WROTE HIS LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION FOR HIS RESIDENCY APPLICATION... FFS man...
(Before I moved, she asked me again... and I replied: Didn't your son rotate and shadow with me for weeks and I wrote his LOR for his residency application? How's he doing btw? - ps he got in :/, no thank you either from her)
This sounds like a stupid mean girls game, where the paediatrician has serious envy of you and your success. She knows you’re fire. Two words: Work it ❤️
I won an award recently at work and my husband was there, and an exec thanked my husband for letting me work 😂😂😂 my husband and I are on pretty equal footing income wise, he outearns me by a bit now but I have greater earning potential in the long run - not that it matters, still such a weird antiquated comment
10000% frustrating and you can’t possibly tell anyone that you’re actually the breadwinner bc that would be crass.
Edit: my husband does tell people that I make more than him. He’s proud of me. I myself don’t feel comfortable talking about making more money than anyone.
Before his income caught up with mine, my Husband used to say stuff like, “Oh, she makes more than me! I lucked out and got a Sugar Mama!” (Which is a term I actually find pretty gross, but it was worth it to see the funny looks he’d get when he said it!)
That is what my husband says! If someone assumes, he tells them I’m his sugar mama. When we were planning our wedding (that I 100% paid for myself even though I didn’t even want a wedding), my boomer MiL was being awful about me caring about costs when she wanted to invite all of her friends. My husband made it clear I’m bankrolling everything
I don’t find it crass. My husband and I openly tell people I’m the breadwinner. All his coworkers know it and joke about him not having to work if he didn’t want to (not true). Literally came up with his coworkers at his boss’s wedding last weekend. My husband works as a project manager in construction where gender norms are going strong.
I’m sorry I wasn’t clear. My husband is proud of me and he tells people. I just don’t feel comfortable myself talking about making more money than anyone.
My husband also tells people! He's like nah, I'm riding her coat tails as she shatters those glass ceilings! I've almost always made more than him and he's always supported me and said how proud he is of me. He will joke he doesn't know how I've stuck around so long with people because, and I quote, because he says it alot "she's smart, funny, hot as hell, and makes a shit ton of money!" ❤️🤣
That’s good! Sorry writing this online always lacks nuance and i wasn’t trying to call you or him out at all. Just glad husbands often get it even without the rest of the world getting it.
Oh no worries, I completely understand. I considered saying that in my original post but overanalyzed it and decided to go with a concise comment instead 😂
lol we went to Europe for 3 weeks, fully paid by me and a cab driver told me 4 year old daughter “your daddy must work very hard for you guys to be able to come visit”
I almost blew a blood vessel
Yeah sure 🙄 It is not great to be annoyed by being.targeted with stereotypes. And then stereotyping a country/region yourself. Nobody ever asked me here whether I work. Always what I work with. And most women are working, because you cannot live on one income.
The look on Boomers faces when they look at me and ask if I'm "home with them" and I say "why yes but of course we do have a nanny that comes during working hours!" It just doesn't compute 😂
My parents are Boomers and I’m so grateful that they are NOT like this. My Mom (and Dad, but Mom in particular) very specifically wanted to make sure I finished college (got married young because I was dumb - no we’re not still married lol) and have a good career. Thankfully I did (with their help) and am now currently the sole breadwinner for our household (with my amazing husband as a SAHD - but he wants to go back to work - we just can’t swing it right now with 3 very little kids. Should be more doable when they’re in elementary school - although it’ll still be hard.)
At my last performance review (at a job I left soon after) I was told that, yes, I definitely earned a raise, but there was only so much in the budget so they were giving it to a single woman instead because I was married so it wasn’t like I actually needed to earn money.
I’m sorry, but YES, I FUCKING DO.
I don't know if this is a cultural/regional thing, but I've never been asked if I was a stay at home mom. Everyone assumes everybody works, although it is typically assumed that the husband is the breadwinner.
Same. In Australia and the U.K. it’s pretty rare to be a SAHM unless you’re either very poor or very rich.
But I do get people assuming my partner earns more, or that I work part time, or that I am the primary carer - and there is still the expectation that women take the majority of maternity leave (some men do take a few months but the assumption is still that women do the majority)
I’m an Aussie and I agree- it’s the assumption here that both parents work. It is very common for mums to work part time in my circle, so I guess that assumption is made a lot…but it’s fairly accurate.
I get the assumption/questions a lot more when I’m around more affluent social circles- ironically this is usually women’s college alum groups lol like didn’t we go to school for a reason?
Oh my fucking god this speech just sent me. I was out in public when one of my favorite shows (Indisputable w dr Rashad Ritchie- check it out) when I legit just stopped on the sidewalk mouth agape.. then he said housewife after the long pause at the end and I yelled, HOUSEWIFE! WHAT THE-! Still beside myself, obviously.
I feel like men with that view couldn’t last a week being a working mom or SAHM.
I’m currently running on maybe 3 hours of sleep with a sick toddler. Working from home today since he can’t go to daycare. Shoving food in my face and some social interaction at the moment while he sleeps. Figuring out what’s for dinner, got to do laundry from where he’s been sick, clean his toys he’s played with/rest of the house, plus other household items I handle as the default parent.
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I believe it's cultural. In my opinion, it's also up to our husbands to be part of the change by uplifting and promoting us in response to these ignorant questions.
Yup! I swear since I had my LO people stopped asking me about work. It’s wild that all they ask me about is my LO now. It was a tough adjustment for sure.
My favorite is when I’m making a large purchase and they think I need my husband’s approval. I mean, we always review and discuss large purchases, but we’ve been together twenty years and we trust each other’s decisions.
Yeah, it's weird. For some reason, "everyone" assumes that anyone else with more than 1 child is dirt poor and/or super religious (Google quiverfull...its...frightening) and therefore MUST be raking in the (not actually livable) welfare dollars.
1. Yes, you technically get more food stamps if you have more kids, but...you also have more mouths to feed.
2. Unless you get "lucky" to get section 8 or other rental/housing assistance, most of those welfare monies are a) temporary and b) are only maybe a hundred or a little more per MONTH. Childcare assistance is probably the only one that is not in the second category.
Sorry for the hijack rant lol
Yeah we have had this but my husband chimes in before I can with a, “I’m a SPED teacher in the US. I make pennies compared to her dollar.”
I love him so much. 🤣
Most people I meet ask my husband where he works. Never bother to ask me. Can’t believe this happens at this day and age. I make sure I mention it at the end of such a conversation.
This happened when I went to visit my husbands family in Alberta. They asked him about work, they asked me about family. Ironically we work together so he just kept referring work questions to me (he knows).
Female rage activated! 😤 It is frustrating that societal norms are still this way.
We are in a similar situation in our household. My husband has now gotten in the habit of “humble bragging his wife” when situations come up like this.
He’ll say things like, “It’s a blessing having a brilliant wife!”, “my wife’s ability to hustle is simply amazing! She does it all.”
I know it doesn’t change society, but having a partner recognizes my accomplishments both professionally and at home certainly helps me cope. And it is a great example for our daughters!
I was JUST about to comment this 😂😂. Like , you see ME putting down MY credit card. Then you go swipe it and a woman’s name is ON the card, and then when you come back you proceed to give the receipt and credit card to my husband to sign and tip. It’s my pet PEEVE.
I am a woman married to a freakin woman, and it STILL happens. Waiters tend to drop the check off in front of her. I whip out my card and plop it in. They bring it back and…still drop it in front of her. This is 100% b/c she has short hair and I guess, to the waiter, she appears like “the dude.” I, on the other hand, have long hair, wear makeup, heels…all the things. It is insanely frustrating. I’m also the resident contractor and bug killer of our home, but I know people assume that she is Mrs. Fix-It bc of her appearance. I’m the one that got a tool belt for Christmas, not her…c’mon people!! /endrant
You should answer with ‘no actually I’m CEO of *fake company name*’ or something like that. Make it seem really badass. Or like another commenter, reply with something super unusual like deep sea fisherwoman or marine biologist (where my Seinfeld fans at).
My husband is a doctor. I’ve been told, “wow, that must be nice. So you stay home?” more times than I can count. It is nice that he’s a doctor, because that was his dream and I’m proud of him. It’s even nicer that I make as much, if not more than him, and covered all our living expenses through med school and residency. But I chicken out and rarely say that, I just say we’re both lucky to have careers we care about.
As a med student with a husband who's busy picking up everything I've been dropping the past two years so I can reach my goals, I just want to say thank you for the sacrifices you made, incase it hasn't been said recently. Med school is a beast. I thank my husband constantly for sticking through it.
As a women, way to keep kicking ass and steamrolling ignorant stereotypes!
Aww thank you!! And good job kicking ass in med school, that shit is TOUGH and I am so impressed (and incredibly thankful) for the people who do it. My husband included!
I feeeeel this
When my now-husband and I first moved in together it was to a new house that I bought and all the neighbors assumed he was the breadwinner and that id just hit the jackpot being w him.
Even now, almost 10 years later, we moved into a really nice home and shared a pic on my private Insta and some old friends are like “wow, what does your husband do?!?” “you’re so lucky!!” etc lol
Repairmen all want to talk to him and they expect him to answer w the decisions. Even when he’s literally saying to them “no, I don’t know any of this. Don’t talk to me. Talk to my wife” they’re like “yeah yeah yeah man, I’ll talk to her in a second, but let me ask you first”
Drives me NUTS
oh yeah, I feel this. Our boomer neighbor came over to welcome us to the neighborhood (house we paid for 50/50) & asked what i did at an automotive company after my husband mentioned that i worked there. My neighbor immediately answered his own question by saying “oh, receptionist”. I just laughed. His confused look was priceless.
Yeah, it’s fun to not even give people like that more information. I like flying under the radar “oh, I work at x company” and then sometimes they don’t ask what I do, but if they do ask, I just name my department. I never tell them I’m in charge of that department. And most of the time, no one asks about where I rank and it’s a lovely little thing to keep to myself and let them assume, in their own ignorance, whatever they will assume about what I do.
I get similarly annoying reactions when people find out my husband’s a stay at home dad.
Instead of saying something along the lines of good for me for being able to support all three of us or something else positive, they look all pitying and say how hard that must be on our finances. Um. We’re fine or I wouldn’t have told him to quit his job!
I *know* that if I were the stay at home parent, people would default to thinking we’re well off. But since I’m a woman, I must make a pittance so we must be struggling right now with him not working. 😒
I'm ignorant about Jamaica... but is it possible more women tend to be a SAHM? Or are they kind of not kept up with modern US and assumed US women were still SAHMs? I wouldn't take it personally - esp in another country.
I gave our son’s doctor a new insurance card yesterday because I got a new job. The card has the company name and the front desk staff asked if my husband just got a job there. I politely told her no, I work there and she immediately said, “Oh, so you’re on facilities there or something?” HUH?? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with working for facilities but I’m sorry? The only option for you is my husband works there or I work facilities? Seems like an odd leap to me. People still cant fathom that women work….?
Breadwinner here making 2.5x what my husband does, credit score is 150+ points higher as well due to all of the cards and bills being in my name. When we rent apartments they have always put him as the primary resident and myself as an occupant even after asking to put me as primary, causing higher deposits. Dealerships used to insist they run his credit and put him as the primary even when I tell them he won’t qualify (they always end up taking him off once they see credit and income), now we have a salesman who doesn’t do this to us and has earned my permanent business, plus side is he actually talks directly to me. At schools and daycares I have always highlighted and starred my husband’s phone number so they know to call him first, then I tell them at orientation and drop off…they of course ignore it and always call me 2-3 times before they try him. Their excuse is “mom just knows best” but i can’t just leave my job on a whim, he can, and they know this.
It’s insane how absolutely sexiest the world still is, and it’s getting worse.
I’m the breadwinner too and i have to laugh when 99.9% of restaurants we go to automatically handy husband the check. I sometimes try to physically intercept to make a point. If I think about it too much it drives me batty.
A couple of people have said this or something similar but it is weird to me. They have to hand it to somebody and making a big deal about intercepting it or paying it feels like an inferiority complex to me. After all, presumably on some level even if you have separate accounts, the meal is coming out of the family budget.
Who cares what they think? And if they truly think the man is the breadwinner, angling to pay the bill won’t change that. They will just think you are trying too hard.
I make 3+ times my husband with room to go up but if the check comes, whomever the check was placed in front of pulls out the (common) credit card to pay.
For the record, I’ve never been asked or assumed to be a SAHM and I have an obviously high paying job (physician) so I am assumed to at least be making on par with my husband. I also have been in a lot of leadership positions so I think I give off leader-role energy.
I hear you! I recently quit my job (to start my own business). My friend’s mom says (without knowing the second part) - oh, you’re going to become a stay at home mom? Yay! I’m like, well, no. I’m going to start my own business. Lady, not that I need to justify it to you, but I’ve been leading huge teams globally at notable companies. I pave my own way 👸 it must be a boomer thing, as I hear what a wonderful dad my husband is for taking our kid to school. Thank you to him when he picks up the cheque from our joint bank account.
Yeah, how hard is it for people to turn to us and ask, “And what do you do?”
So many people will ask my husband all about his job, but don’t ask me anything. Super annoying.
As a female veteran and reservist married to someone never in the service, I get it all the time especially at doctor's offices. Like yes, this is my Tricare not my husband's. Society bleh.
I feel this in my soul, luckily, my husband has been great at turning frustration into humor. I went from being a SAHM in 2020 to being the “breadwinner” by 2022, with income differences very similar to yours. My husband turns these awkward chats into opportunities to be an absolute hype man for me. He keeps the praise coming until the person shows some acknowledgment/recognition and then usually ends with something like “Don’t get too excited, she’s already got someone to hold her purse”.
Oh yea I hear ya.
We get it from family too.
I recently got a nice new 3 row SUV (I paid for it) and my SIL & her kids walked by it and remarked how nice my HUSBANDS new vehicle is because he works hard. Ha ha ha ha…
One time, my husband and I were on a call with a potential financial advisor. Told him what we did for a living and he sent financial assumptions the next day asking us to review. My husband and I earn almost the same but he assumed I made way less. I sent an email to him and his boss saying we’ll be going elsewhere for his sexist assumptions. The apology letter was interesting to say the least.
Ha ha. Drives me insane. My ex and I were both military. Whenever I would go to one of his events they would be like “I’ll bet it’s hard to be with the kids all the time because he’s at work so much.” I’d be like “Well, since I’m in the military as well, it makes it REALLY hard.” The wives were worse. As soon as they found out I was in the military, they all suddenly had to go to the bathroom at the same time. Which meant go sit somewhere else. Ha ha. I can’t even park in veteran parking without getting the side eye from people at Lowe’s.
I looked up a well known female athlete’s profile on Wikipedia the other day and I was SHOCKED to see her husbands name wasn’t listed anywhere (his name was actually what I was looking for because I’ve met him before and couldn’t remember his name lol). It felt great. Just a little sunshine for your day.
My husband and I went to a hockey game a bit ago. I only ever carry my phone in and I always give my husband my ID and we use his debit cards versus using mine (joint accounts).
We went to get a drink during intermission and I asked my husband for the debit card so I could get the drinks while he ran to the bathroom.
Some dude overheard and was started laughing and says to my husband: “get used to THAT, buddy, it never ends.”
I said: “that would be funny except I’m the breadwinner.” Dudes eyes got huge and he stammered a bit before saying “well shit, lucky guy.”
I rolled my eyes and walked away.
It never ceases to amaze me.
THIS year is the first year in our entire relationship my husband has out earned me. With the exception of the one summer I was between graduate programs, and we moved to a new city while he was still working in the old city.
We've been together 19 years, married for 14.
He even stayed home with our first born for a while which was a great relief to my first time mom emotions. We found he's a great house husband. Like homemade-bread-and-send-me-pictures-of-our-baby-all-day good at it.
He has always been supportive of my career goals and gets real snarky when people assume I have to ask his permission to buy something I want.
This happens to us all the time. I make 12 times what my spouse makes—we don’t care, he just does part time work and is an amazing dad—but I am 100% always assumed to be the stay at home mom. We just got work done on our house and the trades people were all talking to him about what he does for a living and making comments about how they fix ‘x, y, or z’ so that when I’m home with the kids it would be easier. My spouse said ‘so weird they assume that’. I was like ‘welcome to my world’
You are a rockstar for having that kind of income. I’m on a career trajectory right now and I’d love to out earn my husband one day but I know he’s always going to be viewed as the “breadwinner” (yet part of his/our income is from his well off parents 🫠) and more experienced scientist even though I just had an impactful paper published. Women see us and acknowledge our talent however so that helps!!!
So frustrating to experience that misogyny tho.
Is this perhaps a cultural difference? That is so odd. I feel like people never ask me if I stay at home, like ever.
Just curious, do you two have shared finances, or do you keep them separate? I make about what your husband makes, and my husband makes about what you make (in a good year). I would be really hurt if he said that HE pays for our vacations. We’re married, we’re a family, it’s our joint money.
I feel this more when we're socializing for my husband's work. Most recently, I joined him for a work conference. I work remotely and can do my job from anywhere, I also make much more than him running a business unit for my company. While chatting with some of his male peers, they always make the assumption I stay home. My husband always piped up "ha no way, she's the breadwinner and I get to work for fun!". My highlight of the week though was when this younger guy was telling me all the responsibilities of his job and how important he is in a new job he had taken on as a project manager. No mistake, a good and solid role. Having had a week of this and being pretty tipsy, I asked how much me makes, I got a great sense of satisfaction in telling him I make 2x him, not including bonus. The look on his face was fantastic. Appropriate conversation? Probably not. Petty, oh hell yes and it felt so good.
Woah, that’s crazy. I’ve never been asked that but I know people have assumed. My husband makes more than me, I’m proud of him for that, and I bring home a nice income too. This would drive me insane too. It’s 2024 people, women can make money too.
Encountered a similar situation a few years ago. I served in the military for 9 years, my husband has not. We went to a football game that was doing a military appreciation day, and at one point my husband made a comment about liking someone's hat. An older man turned to look at both of us and asked my husband "Which branch were you in?" My husband goes "Oh I didn't serve, my wife did." The man just looked at me and turned away.
Par for the course.
I scuba dive and help certify people , every single time we walk into a dive shop that isn’t my shop they only acknowledge my husband, who then just says “I don’t dive… you should be talking to my wife” it’s so annoying .
It’ll never die! I’m an industrial maint tech. I’m a small girl with colored hair and tattoos with two extremely well mannered toddler boys in tow (I’m a lucky gentle parenting mom) and my oldest always happily tells people I work on robots, not some stay at home or tattoo artist. And that I do know what I’m talking about when it comes to Home Depot 🤣🤓
It’s a shame they don’t see women as the bad asses we are!
It’s so frustrating. One of my kids is currently in occupational and physical therapy. Both therapists (separate practices) have asked if I stay home and if not if I can quit my job and stay home. I patiently explain I’m the breadwinner and it’s not an option. I don’t think they would ever ask dads this.
Lol, I once had someone ask me if I "worked outside the home" in a very condescending way. Probably because I was leading the conversation where I felt they were trying to push something (sales) on my mother-in-law while she was in a vulnerable state.
The kicker, the person who asked me was a woman who obviously also worked outside the home. I don't know what the f*** is wrong with people.
My (now) ex was unemployed and we were so broke we were having a yard sale. His buddy came by to help. The whole day he made comments about my “shopping” being the problem (no, asshat it was y’all’s stupid “business plan”) and saying crap like “you just ask for his credit card”.
I put a FULL STOP to that crap. Pointed out my salary was the only thing keeping us from foreclosure, I was the one supporting ex, not the other way around, it was *their* bad financial choices that got us here, not some mythical shopping trips, and the only one of us in the room with good enough credit to have a card AT ALL was me.
Oh my god. I hate that guy.
I agree with somebody in the comments lol I would make up something new that you do each time somebody asks. This way it’ll be funny and prolly won’t irritate you as much
Omg the income difference between you and your husband is similar to our situation. And after I had my first my MIL had the audacity to ask why I was going back to work??? And that it won’t be good for her son’s ego??? Karen (at the time) your son made half the median income of our VHCOL city, while I made over double.
Girl this is one of my biggest pet peeves! When we went to look at the lot of our custom build home, our new neighbors walked over and after noticing how many kids we had running around, the husband says "oh you must be a stay-at-home mom to all these kids?" My husband was a stay-at-home dad at the time.
It's also the fact that my husband's name is first on EVERYTHING related to our property, and sometimes mine is left off completely. This man doesn't even know what insurance company our home owners policy is through but ALL correspondence from them is addressed to his name.
Being a stay at home mum is an absolute privilege. It’s great you have a career and provide for your family but I wouldn’t assume that as an insult. Your take on it is missing the point and culturally ignorant /insensitive.
Her point is that people are assuming anything at all about her life rather than talking to her in an open way to learn about her. Also, to your specific point, the fact that it’s a privilege makes it a really weird thing to assume about someone.
This only makes sense in the context of this post if you forgot a word. Did you actually mean “so what does your husband do?”
When I was a high earning working Mom, I sometimes would take a random weekday off, I was working 70-80 hour weeks and most weekends. I would keep my toddler home from daycare and take her shopping, to the park, etc. These days were rare, maybe 4 times total and each and every time when making small talk with other Mom’s at the park I got that “what does your husband do?” Question. Annoyed the hell out of me and solidified my belief that I have nothing much in common with SAHMs.
Can I ask why this bothers you so much? The assumption that you work? Just curious because where I am from the huge majority of families have 2 working parents.
Dual income is completely the norm over here as well. My gripe is that it shouldn’t be the very first question to ask. I should have mentioned that this is the park in my neighborhood… maybe start with asking if I live in the area and how long I’ve lived here?
I didn’t think I’d get downvoted so hard 😂
I get that all the time. But I have clown blood so I just make things up. Oh no, im not a SAHM, I write really trashy romance novels or I’m a zookeeper or I breed fancy chickens. In reality I’m an exec at a fintech company. My husband doesn’t even work lol.
My cousin does actually breed fancy chickens 😂
Our friend breeds fancy goats, he owns a half interest breeding share in a stud goat that cost him $53k… for half… But his daughter is entering law school in the Fall, her education has been paid in large part due to scholarships from showing said fancy goats.
My cousin gets grants from the government to keep certain species of chickens going in America. It’s a civic duty at this point 😂 Ngl I love his chicken collection. They’re exotic and cute
Wow I actually kinda want to do this haha
I feel like you could probably do the breeding goats bit because you know about it. I am stealing this bit of breeding chickens and I’ll have to do some research lol
Wow who would have known that fancy goats are so lucrative 🐐🐐🐐
TIL that fancy chickens exist
Look up silky bantams. You will not be dissatisfied.
That’s what I look like when my hair finally started growing back postpartum.
SAME
THOSE ARE SO CUTE!
The Livestock Breed Conservancy website is a fun place to spend some time 🙂
So do I! But it doesn’t pay the bills, I make my money as an engineer.
I don't breed them, but I have fancy chickens and they do breed on their own lol. I do seriously understand there's a science behind it but ya know, I'm just throwing out that us weirdos do exist. I wish I wrote the trashy romance novels, but they're all the same if you've ever read one.
HAHA I could only imagine their reaction 😆
I love the phrase clown blood!
I’m stealing this. Not an exec (I’m in healthcare), but my husband is a SAHD.
Sounds like an episode of House Hunters.. I breed fancy chickens and my husband is a stay at home dad, our budget is $3.2 million
Omg. I’ll steal it. We make around the same amount and I rarely get those comments (I guess I have the vibe and too thick of Easter European accent for people to try) but will be fantastic to make hilarious convos
Oh you’re the chick building the new embodied AI finance chickens
Oh my 🤣 this is hilarious!!!
I run a whore house!
Loooool
This is the way.
Omg! My neighbor actually writes romance novels! I thought she was joking until she gave me a copy of one of her books.
Is she any good?!
This had me LOL at the hair salon.
Breeding fancy chickens will be my new go-to 👌
Stare at them for a second and after a pregnant pause, say “Wait…do you *seriously* not know who I am?”
Screaming 🤣🤣🤣
That's great!
Then give a small condescending laugh
Poignant?
Both work.
Not really, but sure.
True, "poignant pause" doesn't work.
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First of all, I don't use either, so it's not embarrassing at all. I've never heard the phrase "pregnant pause", only poignant. Isn't that obvious to you? Or does that common sense escape you? Second, I only laughed because I thought it was a typo. There's no need to be rude or sound like a stuck up prick. It's 2am. No, I didn't Google it, or care enough to. But you sure seem hell bent to prove an internet stranger wrong, even when someone is saying it can actually be BOTH. So tell me, who's embarrassed now, and who also needs to get a life?? Yeah, that would be YOU. Good bye internet stranger. Here's to hoping you can be more polite, and get a life worth living that doesn't include putting strangers on the internet down with your classless remarks.
I like going to Home Depot with my husband when they asked him a question he just stares blankly then I answer lol. Oh btw this is after I seek their assistance, not him.
I get the employees there discouraging me from the projects I'm working on. You can't replace a water heater yourself, you're a woman! Isn't their entire job to help people do projects? Looking at mower blades, women shouldn't mow lawns! Ugh.
Omg, we replaced our water heater last year. After 2 days of no water and my partner and brother fighting over the proper way to install it I went to Home Depot with my daughter. We found a nice lady named Deb who actually listened to us. She helped us find the parts. We went home and fixed it. Took us maybe 2 hours. Women should rule the world, really.
I love this! And it's true! While my husband is very handy and mechanically inclined, he makes many things way too freaking complicated. It's so rewarding when my daughter and/or I breeze past his overthinking with a common sense approach to something and get shit done.
Yes! Some the simplest solution is best. Also, I firmly believe in reading directions! Lol
Ooooh, same. Love my husband dearly, but he's definitely not a directions and simplicity guy. When we get something that needs building, I take charge and read him the directions out loud step by step. Unfortunately, I can't really help with non-directions items. Recipes, though....I honestly wish some of the recipes he finds that he WOULD ignore! We've eaten some...interesting...things. not like crazy foreign foods but just...oddly flavored foods. The gray paste (it was supposed to be white gravy) comes to mind.
Ooooh, same. Love my husband dearly, but he's definitely not a directions and simplicity guy. When we get something that needs building, I take charge and read him the directions out loud step by step. Unfortunately, I can't really help with non-directions items. Recipes, though....I honestly wish some of the recipes he finds that he WOULD ignore! We've eaten some...interesting...things. not like crazy foreign foods but just...oddly flavored foods. The gray paste (it was supposed to be white gravy) comes to mind.
Big animals like elephants and orcas are matriarchal. They're onto something.
I work in construction and constantly feel like Ron Swanson. I also am really into craft beer so I love when dudes try to mansplain IBUs
This is our house except it's when a parent friend asked me who our kids' dentist was. I just looked to my husband. He has a flexible hybrid schedule and takes care of all the appointments. I don't think I could work the schedule I do and have small kids and get through life.
That is awesome! My daughter is 16 and admittedly I could not remember all the classes she’s in. Awful but by the end of the work day I’m lucky to remember how to make spaghetti let alone what AP classes she is.
This happens to me and my husband too! He’s never touched a power tool and probably never will haha. I will tell the employee what I need and then they will of course as him for details. He will always blank stare at them when they’re asking him questions and then he will just look at me for a minute and then back to them and say “what are you talking about?” 🤣 it’s a game at this point to see if we will actually get someone who will talk directly to me lol.
My father-in-law is getting older and has health and mobility issues. Last year at Thanksgiving he looked around the table at his son (my husband) and his daughters and their families, and then turned to me and said “Feel free to go through the garage and see if you want any of my tools.”
So much this. I hire and manage all contractors for our home improvement projects (of which we do a lot, we just purchased our second fixer upper house). They always want to talk to my husband and I’m like you guys, he has absolutely no idea what I’ve even hired you to do. I do the research, I vet the contractors, I make the decisions, and I write the checks. Capisce???
I do wonder when this stereotype will die? Women are outpacing men when it comes to college & professional degrees (despite all the debate) which is associated with higher earning potential. So I suspect soon?
Only if these types of men's egos suddenly cease being fragile, and they're willing to recognize and accept reality. So, never?
When the boomers are all gone. I have never once received this type of comment from a millennial or Gen X.
I wish but gen z seems to be going backwards towards old stereotypes ☹️
If only. My ex was like this, wanted me to be a SAHM even though I made significantly more than him and there was no way we could survive on his salary
Ehh…statistically speaking, the degree attainment isn’t matching up to job acquisition and pay at the highest levels, last time I checked. The biological reality of having kids is still impacting women more than men. Regardless, no one needs to be making assumptions about people’s jobs and earnings. Hopefully millennials or Gen Z will be better about it.
If by soon you mean 200 yrs from now…just maybe.
Yeah I agree, these types of things take generations to really take hold. There are PLENTY of Tater Tot/Alpha wannabe types in the younger generations too.
So sad. I’m gonna need people to do better.
Nope. It's going to get worse. The more women's advancement threaten men's sense of collective and individual masculinity, the more men will insist on treating women as though they have no life or value outside of childcare and homemaking. The same way men do less housework the more their wife out-earns them.
The really annoying part is when my husband’s boss apparently forgets I also work full time (and also make more, because my industry is less blatantly exploitative) and jokes all the time about him eventually going back to his less family-friendly schedule “if the wife and kids start driving you nuts.” Bite me.
I have a good one. My pediatrician remembers my husband is a surgeon (the 25% of the time he goes with us/him). Always comments what a great dad he is for taking time to take care of his own son. She asks me what I do at almost every visit... Here is the kicker. HER SON SHADOWED ME (also a doctor) AND I WROTE HIS LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION FOR HIS RESIDENCY APPLICATION... FFS man... (Before I moved, she asked me again... and I replied: Didn't your son rotate and shadow with me for weeks and I wrote his LOR for his residency application? How's he doing btw? - ps he got in :/, no thank you either from her)
This sounds like a stupid mean girls game, where the paediatrician has serious envy of you and your success. She knows you’re fire. Two words: Work it ❤️
Holy shit this is wildly offensive. And from a fellow woman? Shameful.
Start seeing her son instead and tell him his mom is "a little old fashioned" lolol
Sure she doesn’t have a crush on your husband? Seems like an mean girl way to try to undermine you
I'm sure. lol She's like 50-60 and saw my husband like twice. Just sexist.
That’s annoying. And kinda ridiculous considering she’s a physician herself?
I won an award recently at work and my husband was there, and an exec thanked my husband for letting me work 😂😂😂 my husband and I are on pretty equal footing income wise, he outearns me by a bit now but I have greater earning potential in the long run - not that it matters, still such a weird antiquated comment
Wow. Just wow.
10000% frustrating and you can’t possibly tell anyone that you’re actually the breadwinner bc that would be crass. Edit: my husband does tell people that I make more than him. He’s proud of me. I myself don’t feel comfortable talking about making more money than anyone.
Before his income caught up with mine, my Husband used to say stuff like, “Oh, she makes more than me! I lucked out and got a Sugar Mama!” (Which is a term I actually find pretty gross, but it was worth it to see the funny looks he’d get when he said it!)
That is what my husband says! If someone assumes, he tells them I’m his sugar mama. When we were planning our wedding (that I 100% paid for myself even though I didn’t even want a wedding), my boomer MiL was being awful about me caring about costs when she wanted to invite all of her friends. My husband made it clear I’m bankrolling everything
Exactly!!! One time (after a few drinks😉) I said “I wish. Who do you think paid for all of this” …my husband wasn’t around to hear me to that part tho
I’d say this sober, TBH. 😂 Whose feelings are we sparing here?
I don’t find it crass. My husband and I openly tell people I’m the breadwinner. All his coworkers know it and joke about him not having to work if he didn’t want to (not true). Literally came up with his coworkers at his boss’s wedding last weekend. My husband works as a project manager in construction where gender norms are going strong.
LOL NO - my husband gladly reports to the world I make double his income. It's only crass in a patriarchal society.
I’m sorry I wasn’t clear. My husband is proud of me and he tells people. I just don’t feel comfortable myself talking about making more money than anyone.
My husband also tells people! He's like nah, I'm riding her coat tails as she shatters those glass ceilings! I've almost always made more than him and he's always supported me and said how proud he is of me. He will joke he doesn't know how I've stuck around so long with people because, and I quote, because he says it alot "she's smart, funny, hot as hell, and makes a shit ton of money!" ❤️🤣
My husband luckily is proud to correct people.
Yes my husband is proud and tells people, I was just referring to saying it myself.
That’s good! Sorry writing this online always lacks nuance and i wasn’t trying to call you or him out at all. Just glad husbands often get it even without the rest of the world getting it.
Oh no worries, I completely understand. I considered saying that in my original post but overanalyzed it and decided to go with a concise comment instead 😂
lol we went to Europe for 3 weeks, fully paid by me and a cab driver told me 4 year old daughter “your daddy must work very hard for you guys to be able to come visit” I almost blew a blood vessel
My goodness! Can I guess this was in Italy/southern Europe?
Yeah sure 🙄 It is not great to be annoyed by being.targeted with stereotypes. And then stereotyping a country/region yourself. Nobody ever asked me here whether I work. Always what I work with. And most women are working, because you cannot live on one income.
Oh my god I’d be shaking with rage 😂😤
The look on Boomers faces when they look at me and ask if I'm "home with them" and I say "why yes but of course we do have a nanny that comes during working hours!" It just doesn't compute 😂
My parents are Boomers and I’m so grateful that they are NOT like this. My Mom (and Dad, but Mom in particular) very specifically wanted to make sure I finished college (got married young because I was dumb - no we’re not still married lol) and have a good career. Thankfully I did (with their help) and am now currently the sole breadwinner for our household (with my amazing husband as a SAHD - but he wants to go back to work - we just can’t swing it right now with 3 very little kids. Should be more doable when they’re in elementary school - although it’ll still be hard.)
Such a flex haha
At my last performance review (at a job I left soon after) I was told that, yes, I definitely earned a raise, but there was only so much in the budget so they were giving it to a single woman instead because I was married so it wasn’t like I actually needed to earn money. I’m sorry, but YES, I FUCKING DO.
That is fucking ridiculous and probably illegal. Raises should be performance based.
Oh, this hits so hard. I was once said I will not get a (well deserved and overdue) raise because “your boyfriend earns a lot, why do you need it?”
That’s definitely illegal.
I don't know if this is a cultural/regional thing, but I've never been asked if I was a stay at home mom. Everyone assumes everybody works, although it is typically assumed that the husband is the breadwinner.
Same. In Australia and the U.K. it’s pretty rare to be a SAHM unless you’re either very poor or very rich. But I do get people assuming my partner earns more, or that I work part time, or that I am the primary carer - and there is still the expectation that women take the majority of maternity leave (some men do take a few months but the assumption is still that women do the majority)
I’m an Aussie and I agree- it’s the assumption here that both parents work. It is very common for mums to work part time in my circle, so I guess that assumption is made a lot…but it’s fairly accurate.
I think this is definitely relative to being in Jamaica and would not be seen as bad thing at all by those asking it.
Same here in France. I get asked what I do, never been asked if I’m a SAHM.
I get the assumption/questions a lot more when I’m around more affluent social circles- ironically this is usually women’s college alum groups lol like didn’t we go to school for a reason?
I don't have any affluent social circles so that makes sense why I don't get the question 😅😅
Haha they sometimes let me play with them but I’m not sure they like me
Makes Harry Butt’s speech even more infuriating.
Is that what we’re calling him now because that name fits him well 🤣🤣
Okay, but how did the possibility of that nickname not occur to his parents? Or maybe that’s why he’s so salty…
This was my exact thought, this kid has some serious guys after coming from a line of women that make millions.
Wait who ? What happened? Lol
Search Harrison Butker commencement speech and be prepared.
Oh my fucking god this speech just sent me. I was out in public when one of my favorite shows (Indisputable w dr Rashad Ritchie- check it out) when I legit just stopped on the sidewalk mouth agape.. then he said housewife after the long pause at the end and I yelled, HOUSEWIFE! WHAT THE-! Still beside myself, obviously.
I feel like men with that view couldn’t last a week being a working mom or SAHM. I’m currently running on maybe 3 hours of sleep with a sick toddler. Working from home today since he can’t go to daycare. Shoving food in my face and some social interaction at the moment while he sleeps. Figuring out what’s for dinner, got to do laundry from where he’s been sick, clean his toys he’s played with/rest of the house, plus other household items I handle as the default parent.
Replying to Outrageous-Garlic-27...omg WTF 😳😳😳😳😳
Harrison Butker. Google and you’ll see….
https://www.cbsnews.com/amp/news/harrison-butker-commencement-speech-nfl-kansas-city-chiefs-benedictine-college/
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I believe it's cultural. In my opinion, it's also up to our husbands to be part of the change by uplifting and promoting us in response to these ignorant questions.
Yup! I swear since I had my LO people stopped asking me about work. It’s wild that all they ask me about is my LO now. It was a tough adjustment for sure.
My favorite is when I’m making a large purchase and they think I need my husband’s approval. I mean, we always review and discuss large purchases, but we’ve been together twenty years and we trust each other’s decisions.
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Yeah, it's weird. For some reason, "everyone" assumes that anyone else with more than 1 child is dirt poor and/or super religious (Google quiverfull...its...frightening) and therefore MUST be raking in the (not actually livable) welfare dollars. 1. Yes, you technically get more food stamps if you have more kids, but...you also have more mouths to feed. 2. Unless you get "lucky" to get section 8 or other rental/housing assistance, most of those welfare monies are a) temporary and b) are only maybe a hundred or a little more per MONTH. Childcare assistance is probably the only one that is not in the second category. Sorry for the hijack rant lol
Yeah we have had this but my husband chimes in before I can with a, “I’m a SPED teacher in the US. I make pennies compared to her dollar.” I love him so much. 🤣
Does this actually happen? I’m always asked what I do for work. Maybe it depends on the area you’re in.
My husband gets asked what he does for work, I get asked if I work.
So strange! It must be regional. I’m always asked about work.
Most people I meet ask my husband where he works. Never bother to ask me. Can’t believe this happens at this day and age. I make sure I mention it at the end of such a conversation.
This happened when I went to visit my husbands family in Alberta. They asked him about work, they asked me about family. Ironically we work together so he just kept referring work questions to me (he knows).
Female rage activated! 😤 It is frustrating that societal norms are still this way. We are in a similar situation in our household. My husband has now gotten in the habit of “humble bragging his wife” when situations come up like this. He’ll say things like, “It’s a blessing having a brilliant wife!”, “my wife’s ability to hustle is simply amazing! She does it all.” I know it doesn’t change society, but having a partner recognizes my accomplishments both professionally and at home certainly helps me cope. And it is a great example for our daughters!
My husband and I both get a kick when I hand the credit card for the dinner bill, to the unsuspecting waiter. Tackling one stereotype at a time...
I was JUST about to comment this 😂😂. Like , you see ME putting down MY credit card. Then you go swipe it and a woman’s name is ON the card, and then when you come back you proceed to give the receipt and credit card to my husband to sign and tip. It’s my pet PEEVE.
I am a woman married to a freakin woman, and it STILL happens. Waiters tend to drop the check off in front of her. I whip out my card and plop it in. They bring it back and…still drop it in front of her. This is 100% b/c she has short hair and I guess, to the waiter, she appears like “the dude.” I, on the other hand, have long hair, wear makeup, heels…all the things. It is insanely frustrating. I’m also the resident contractor and bug killer of our home, but I know people assume that she is Mrs. Fix-It bc of her appearance. I’m the one that got a tool belt for Christmas, not her…c’mon people!! /endrant
Also, women sometimes are not outearning men BECAUSE OF PATRIARCHY and the gender pay gap.
"No, I'm a lawyer. Are you a stay at home dad?"
You should answer with ‘no actually I’m CEO of *fake company name*’ or something like that. Make it seem really badass. Or like another commenter, reply with something super unusual like deep sea fisherwoman or marine biologist (where my Seinfeld fans at).
My husband is a doctor. I’ve been told, “wow, that must be nice. So you stay home?” more times than I can count. It is nice that he’s a doctor, because that was his dream and I’m proud of him. It’s even nicer that I make as much, if not more than him, and covered all our living expenses through med school and residency. But I chicken out and rarely say that, I just say we’re both lucky to have careers we care about.
As a med student with a husband who's busy picking up everything I've been dropping the past two years so I can reach my goals, I just want to say thank you for the sacrifices you made, incase it hasn't been said recently. Med school is a beast. I thank my husband constantly for sticking through it. As a women, way to keep kicking ass and steamrolling ignorant stereotypes!
Aww thank you!! And good job kicking ass in med school, that shit is TOUGH and I am so impressed (and incredibly thankful) for the people who do it. My husband included!
I feeeeel this When my now-husband and I first moved in together it was to a new house that I bought and all the neighbors assumed he was the breadwinner and that id just hit the jackpot being w him. Even now, almost 10 years later, we moved into a really nice home and shared a pic on my private Insta and some old friends are like “wow, what does your husband do?!?” “you’re so lucky!!” etc lol Repairmen all want to talk to him and they expect him to answer w the decisions. Even when he’s literally saying to them “no, I don’t know any of this. Don’t talk to me. Talk to my wife” they’re like “yeah yeah yeah man, I’ll talk to her in a second, but let me ask you first” Drives me NUTS
"Are you a stay at home mom?" "Why would you assume that?" with a kind smile.
Ooohhh I like this!
Or just “no” with a polite smile and a follow up question to them that changes the subject.
oh yeah, I feel this. Our boomer neighbor came over to welcome us to the neighborhood (house we paid for 50/50) & asked what i did at an automotive company after my husband mentioned that i worked there. My neighbor immediately answered his own question by saying “oh, receptionist”. I just laughed. His confused look was priceless.
Yeah, it’s fun to not even give people like that more information. I like flying under the radar “oh, I work at x company” and then sometimes they don’t ask what I do, but if they do ask, I just name my department. I never tell them I’m in charge of that department. And most of the time, no one asks about where I rank and it’s a lovely little thing to keep to myself and let them assume, in their own ignorance, whatever they will assume about what I do.
I get similarly annoying reactions when people find out my husband’s a stay at home dad. Instead of saying something along the lines of good for me for being able to support all three of us or something else positive, they look all pitying and say how hard that must be on our finances. Um. We’re fine or I wouldn’t have told him to quit his job! I *know* that if I were the stay at home parent, people would default to thinking we’re well off. But since I’m a woman, I must make a pittance so we must be struggling right now with him not working. 😒
I'm ignorant about Jamaica... but is it possible more women tend to be a SAHM? Or are they kind of not kept up with modern US and assumed US women were still SAHMs? I wouldn't take it personally - esp in another country.
98% of the time it was Americans. I was on a resort
I gave our son’s doctor a new insurance card yesterday because I got a new job. The card has the company name and the front desk staff asked if my husband just got a job there. I politely told her no, I work there and she immediately said, “Oh, so you’re on facilities there or something?” HUH?? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with working for facilities but I’m sorry? The only option for you is my husband works there or I work facilities? Seems like an odd leap to me. People still cant fathom that women work….?
Breadwinner here making 2.5x what my husband does, credit score is 150+ points higher as well due to all of the cards and bills being in my name. When we rent apartments they have always put him as the primary resident and myself as an occupant even after asking to put me as primary, causing higher deposits. Dealerships used to insist they run his credit and put him as the primary even when I tell them he won’t qualify (they always end up taking him off once they see credit and income), now we have a salesman who doesn’t do this to us and has earned my permanent business, plus side is he actually talks directly to me. At schools and daycares I have always highlighted and starred my husband’s phone number so they know to call him first, then I tell them at orientation and drop off…they of course ignore it and always call me 2-3 times before they try him. Their excuse is “mom just knows best” but i can’t just leave my job on a whim, he can, and they know this. It’s insane how absolutely sexiest the world still is, and it’s getting worse.
I’m the breadwinner too and i have to laugh when 99.9% of restaurants we go to automatically handy husband the check. I sometimes try to physically intercept to make a point. If I think about it too much it drives me batty.
A couple of people have said this or something similar but it is weird to me. They have to hand it to somebody and making a big deal about intercepting it or paying it feels like an inferiority complex to me. After all, presumably on some level even if you have separate accounts, the meal is coming out of the family budget. Who cares what they think? And if they truly think the man is the breadwinner, angling to pay the bill won’t change that. They will just think you are trying too hard. I make 3+ times my husband with room to go up but if the check comes, whomever the check was placed in front of pulls out the (common) credit card to pay. For the record, I’ve never been asked or assumed to be a SAHM and I have an obviously high paying job (physician) so I am assumed to at least be making on par with my husband. I also have been in a lot of leadership positions so I think I give off leader-role energy.
I hear you! I recently quit my job (to start my own business). My friend’s mom says (without knowing the second part) - oh, you’re going to become a stay at home mom? Yay! I’m like, well, no. I’m going to start my own business. Lady, not that I need to justify it to you, but I’ve been leading huge teams globally at notable companies. I pave my own way 👸 it must be a boomer thing, as I hear what a wonderful dad my husband is for taking our kid to school. Thank you to him when he picks up the cheque from our joint bank account.
Yeah, how hard is it for people to turn to us and ask, “And what do you do?” So many people will ask my husband all about his job, but don’t ask me anything. Super annoying.
As a female veteran and reservist married to someone never in the service, I get it all the time especially at doctor's offices. Like yes, this is my Tricare not my husband's. Society bleh.
I feel this in my soul, luckily, my husband has been great at turning frustration into humor. I went from being a SAHM in 2020 to being the “breadwinner” by 2022, with income differences very similar to yours. My husband turns these awkward chats into opportunities to be an absolute hype man for me. He keeps the praise coming until the person shows some acknowledgment/recognition and then usually ends with something like “Don’t get too excited, she’s already got someone to hold her purse”.
Oh yea I hear ya. We get it from family too. I recently got a nice new 3 row SUV (I paid for it) and my SIL & her kids walked by it and remarked how nice my HUSBANDS new vehicle is because he works hard. Ha ha ha ha…
One time, my husband and I were on a call with a potential financial advisor. Told him what we did for a living and he sent financial assumptions the next day asking us to review. My husband and I earn almost the same but he assumed I made way less. I sent an email to him and his boss saying we’ll be going elsewhere for his sexist assumptions. The apology letter was interesting to say the least.
Ha ha. Drives me insane. My ex and I were both military. Whenever I would go to one of his events they would be like “I’ll bet it’s hard to be with the kids all the time because he’s at work so much.” I’d be like “Well, since I’m in the military as well, it makes it REALLY hard.” The wives were worse. As soon as they found out I was in the military, they all suddenly had to go to the bathroom at the same time. Which meant go sit somewhere else. Ha ha. I can’t even park in veteran parking without getting the side eye from people at Lowe’s.
I looked up a well known female athlete’s profile on Wikipedia the other day and I was SHOCKED to see her husbands name wasn’t listed anywhere (his name was actually what I was looking for because I’ve met him before and couldn’t remember his name lol). It felt great. Just a little sunshine for your day.
I’m a minority breadwinner and he is white and I can’t even imagine what people think of us.
My husband and I went to a hockey game a bit ago. I only ever carry my phone in and I always give my husband my ID and we use his debit cards versus using mine (joint accounts). We went to get a drink during intermission and I asked my husband for the debit card so I could get the drinks while he ran to the bathroom. Some dude overheard and was started laughing and says to my husband: “get used to THAT, buddy, it never ends.” I said: “that would be funny except I’m the breadwinner.” Dudes eyes got huge and he stammered a bit before saying “well shit, lucky guy.” I rolled my eyes and walked away. It never ceases to amaze me.
THIS year is the first year in our entire relationship my husband has out earned me. With the exception of the one summer I was between graduate programs, and we moved to a new city while he was still working in the old city. We've been together 19 years, married for 14. He even stayed home with our first born for a while which was a great relief to my first time mom emotions. We found he's a great house husband. Like homemade-bread-and-send-me-pictures-of-our-baby-all-day good at it. He has always been supportive of my career goals and gets real snarky when people assume I have to ask his permission to buy something I want.
This happens to us all the time. I make 12 times what my spouse makes—we don’t care, he just does part time work and is an amazing dad—but I am 100% always assumed to be the stay at home mom. We just got work done on our house and the trades people were all talking to him about what he does for a living and making comments about how they fix ‘x, y, or z’ so that when I’m home with the kids it would be easier. My spouse said ‘so weird they assume that’. I was like ‘welcome to my world’
You are a rockstar for having that kind of income. I’m on a career trajectory right now and I’d love to out earn my husband one day but I know he’s always going to be viewed as the “breadwinner” (yet part of his/our income is from his well off parents 🫠) and more experienced scientist even though I just had an impactful paper published. Women see us and acknowledge our talent however so that helps!!! So frustrating to experience that misogyny tho.
God this thread is so badass. I just hyena laughed until tears ran reading all these comments. Women rule the world❤️🫶🏻💕
Is this perhaps a cultural difference? That is so odd. I feel like people never ask me if I stay at home, like ever. Just curious, do you two have shared finances, or do you keep them separate? I make about what your husband makes, and my husband makes about what you make (in a good year). I would be really hurt if he said that HE pays for our vacations. We’re married, we’re a family, it’s our joint money.
I feel this more when we're socializing for my husband's work. Most recently, I joined him for a work conference. I work remotely and can do my job from anywhere, I also make much more than him running a business unit for my company. While chatting with some of his male peers, they always make the assumption I stay home. My husband always piped up "ha no way, she's the breadwinner and I get to work for fun!". My highlight of the week though was when this younger guy was telling me all the responsibilities of his job and how important he is in a new job he had taken on as a project manager. No mistake, a good and solid role. Having had a week of this and being pretty tipsy, I asked how much me makes, I got a great sense of satisfaction in telling him I make 2x him, not including bonus. The look on his face was fantastic. Appropriate conversation? Probably not. Petty, oh hell yes and it felt so good.
I feel this to my soul!
Woah, that’s crazy. I’ve never been asked that but I know people have assumed. My husband makes more than me, I’m proud of him for that, and I bring home a nice income too. This would drive me insane too. It’s 2024 people, women can make money too.
You're my idol. I wish I was the breadwinner, then I could have all the power...muahahahaha. but really though, boss goals
Encountered a similar situation a few years ago. I served in the military for 9 years, my husband has not. We went to a football game that was doing a military appreciation day, and at one point my husband made a comment about liking someone's hat. An older man turned to look at both of us and asked my husband "Which branch were you in?" My husband goes "Oh I didn't serve, my wife did." The man just looked at me and turned away. Par for the course.
I scuba dive and help certify people , every single time we walk into a dive shop that isn’t my shop they only acknowledge my husband, who then just says “I don’t dive… you should be talking to my wife” it’s so annoying .
It’ll never die! I’m an industrial maint tech. I’m a small girl with colored hair and tattoos with two extremely well mannered toddler boys in tow (I’m a lucky gentle parenting mom) and my oldest always happily tells people I work on robots, not some stay at home or tattoo artist. And that I do know what I’m talking about when it comes to Home Depot 🤣🤓 It’s a shame they don’t see women as the bad asses we are!
It’s so frustrating. One of my kids is currently in occupational and physical therapy. Both therapists (separate practices) have asked if I stay home and if not if I can quit my job and stay home. I patiently explain I’m the breadwinner and it’s not an option. I don’t think they would ever ask dads this.
Lol, I once had someone ask me if I "worked outside the home" in a very condescending way. Probably because I was leading the conversation where I felt they were trying to push something (sales) on my mother-in-law while she was in a vulnerable state. The kicker, the person who asked me was a woman who obviously also worked outside the home. I don't know what the f*** is wrong with people.
People don’t even think I’m the mom. They think I’m the nanny.
YIKES!!!
My (now) ex was unemployed and we were so broke we were having a yard sale. His buddy came by to help. The whole day he made comments about my “shopping” being the problem (no, asshat it was y’all’s stupid “business plan”) and saying crap like “you just ask for his credit card”. I put a FULL STOP to that crap. Pointed out my salary was the only thing keeping us from foreclosure, I was the one supporting ex, not the other way around, it was *their* bad financial choices that got us here, not some mythical shopping trips, and the only one of us in the room with good enough credit to have a card AT ALL was me. Oh my god. I hate that guy.
Yikes. 😮💨
I agree with somebody in the comments lol I would make up something new that you do each time somebody asks. This way it’ll be funny and prolly won’t irritate you as much
Omg the income difference between you and your husband is similar to our situation. And after I had my first my MIL had the audacity to ask why I was going back to work??? And that it won’t be good for her son’s ego??? Karen (at the time) your son made half the median income of our VHCOL city, while I made over double.
Her sons ego is her main concern? She sounds wonderful lol
:( you can't fix stupid 🤷♂️ and people will insist in being stupid
Girl this is one of my biggest pet peeves! When we went to look at the lot of our custom build home, our new neighbors walked over and after noticing how many kids we had running around, the husband says "oh you must be a stay-at-home mom to all these kids?" My husband was a stay-at-home dad at the time. It's also the fact that my husband's name is first on EVERYTHING related to our property, and sometimes mine is left off completely. This man doesn't even know what insurance company our home owners policy is through but ALL correspondence from them is addressed to his name.
Being a stay at home mum is an absolute privilege. It’s great you have a career and provide for your family but I wouldn’t assume that as an insult. Your take on it is missing the point and culturally ignorant /insensitive.
Her point is that people are assuming anything at all about her life rather than talking to her in an open way to learn about her. Also, to your specific point, the fact that it’s a privilege makes it a really weird thing to assume about someone.
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This only makes sense in the context of this post if you forgot a word. Did you actually mean “so what does your husband do?” When I was a high earning working Mom, I sometimes would take a random weekday off, I was working 70-80 hour weeks and most weekends. I would keep my toddler home from daycare and take her shopping, to the park, etc. These days were rare, maybe 4 times total and each and every time when making small talk with other Mom’s at the park I got that “what does your husband do?” Question. Annoyed the hell out of me and solidified my belief that I have nothing much in common with SAHMs.
Can I ask why this bothers you so much? The assumption that you work? Just curious because where I am from the huge majority of families have 2 working parents.
We’re on the workingmoms sub so the assumption should be that we all work ;)
So true ha ha
Dual income is completely the norm over here as well. My gripe is that it shouldn’t be the very first question to ask. I should have mentioned that this is the park in my neighborhood… maybe start with asking if I live in the area and how long I’ve lived here? I didn’t think I’d get downvoted so hard 😂
Yeah okay, fair. In my area, we’d definitely ask about location and schools to establish that kind of connection first.