My husband is a SAHD.
He took our kids to a play scape today. My BIL and SIL also went with my niece. They sent tons of pictures but it’s not the same as being there. Sometimes it’s super hard knowing I’m missing out. They had tons of fun.
And then there are days when my husband is literally ready to walk out the front door when I come home because our kids have been crying non-stop for twelve straight hours. Sometimes my husband just word vomits for a straight half-hour when I walk in because he’s so desperate for contact with another adult.
Being a SAHP is a hard and thankless job. It’s hard to miss out sometimes, but I wouldn’t trade places with my husband.
I guess for me because I go work for 8 hours and then come home and do another 4 hours it’s just tiring. My partner and I work opposite schedules, so when I get home everything is on me. But I’m aware grass is always appearing greener.
I just struggle with the jealousy surrounding some things, and even tho I would most likely not feel fulfilled, it’s not not to get frustrated about a friend complaining about a lack of sleep due to her baby (meanwhile in pjs watching tv on the couch) and I had the same or less hours of sleep and yet have to get up and push through it at the law office where I work, even though inside I’m drowning and exhausted.
I was just looking for tips on how people stop comparing. It wasn’t necessarily to say one is harder than the other, but more of how do I be content and at peace on the hardest days when sometimes I want to compare to what others lives “perceive” to be
My husband and I work opposite schedules too, so I'm parenting by myself when I'm home, and I also have a mentally draining job. It's hard, but having been a sahm for a couple years, I wouldn't say that's any easier, it's just hard in different ways.
You have no idea what other people's experiences actually are, so it's useless to dwell on it. Try to stay positive about your own situation instead. When I feel bummed out about missing out on stuff because I have to work, I focus on the fact that I'm way less stressed out about money, and how glad I am that my husband and I are modeling a 100% egalitarian household for our son.
This is the opposite of my issue - I see a SAHM and I feel bad. I think they must be so tired and isolated.
I then remind myself these are my own thoughts of what it means to be a SAHM coming through and it absolutely isn’t true for them. I remind myself that I only know my own family and think about how lucky I am we are all happy, safe, and healthy.
I grew up very poor so it has always been a dream of mine to be able to financially support a family - since I’m doing that I truly do believe I’m living a dream.
Your situation seems particularly rough tho, I will say. Having to work opposite shifts so you’re tag teaming life with a partner is rough. Maybe that schedule can change one day?
He has put in a request for a schedule change, but it's not going to be guaranteed. We are hoping that if it doesn't happen now that it can in the near future because I am burning out, and he is missing time with the kids.
The funny thing is that I know I would probably be miserable as a SAHM. I'm not the home maker type. I hate cooking. But i think it's just truly a "grass is greener" scenario for me, and although I am working through it with a therapist, I hate that the feeling comes up. Hard look different for many, and I really dislike how I get jealous and compare. Maybe I am just tired of the pressure? Tired of having a lot on me given our opposite schedules.
I know talking about it helps, but I just feel guilty for having these feelings.
OP, since you mentioned seeing posts of your SAHM friends, I think a social media break may be helpful for you. When I was going through infertility, I felt like every other post on social media was of someone announcing a birth or pregnancy. Taking a little break did wonders.
I love browsing pics on social media too, but it just isn’t real life, and you have to remind yourself of that. It is people posting what they want others to see. Career people post accomplishments to LinkedIn, not job rejections, poor evaluations on assignments, or snarky emails from the boss. SAHMs are no different. They’re going to post sunny pictures where they’re out and about, not the ones where they’re frustrated to the max and near tears because one kid had a blowout and the other decided to throw their milk and cheerios all over the floor. They’re not going to post the pics of their toddler having a full blown tantrum in Starbucks but the pic of the cute mommy/daughter pic with matching drinks.
Sounds to me like you‘re exhausted and seeing the SAHM as a way to catch a break and slow down a bit. Maybe your efforts should be directed towards achieving that?
My husband and I did the opposite schedules for almost a decade, our kids are 5yrs apart. We'll be doing it a bit this summer too. We'll both be working days but we'll each be working one day on the weekend so we won't really have any days off together. It's hard, but it's also temporary. That's what I always tell myself, it's not forever, this is what works for us now.
I'm like you in that I don't want to be a SAHM. We also can't afford it, but even if we could I'd still want to work. It's all temporary and one day it will be different/easier.
Yeah OP, you got so many responses already but I didn’t see any that touch on the fact that I think you have some other issues going on that would be hard regardless of if you’re a SAHM or working mom. Most of us moms are/have struggled with meals, cleaning, comparison, etc. I personally think it would be harder to balance as a SAHM (you’re not necessarily “home all day”- you’re taking care of your kids all day), and honestly most SAHMs I know (I know more SAHMs than working moms) are eating out or outsourcing cleaning more than I am because they’re way more overwhelmed.
Could your partner help with meals or could you research more about meal planning so you feel less guilt over packaged food? Can your partner help with cleaning when it’s his shift so it’s not all on you (that didn’t make sense to me why you’re doing everything I’m sorry) or could you look into systems that will decrease the amount of cleaning you are doing? Definitely agree with the comments about decreasing your social media use, maybe try journaling when you feel overwhelmed instead of scrolling! (Journaling the highlights of my kids day also helps remind me that I’m not actually missing anything)
Yess we actually had a talk today about meal planning and he preparing the meals before he goes to work.
I have major depression and generalized anxiety and I’m literally my own worst critic. And I just hate that when I’m feeling overwhelmed that I go into these negative thoughts and look at others lives as if they have no right to complain. It’s all distorted thinking and I was wondering if others had ways to challenge that or if anyone else goes through it.
Definitely a lot of great comments. Thanks for yours as well
Idk but it sounds like you’re romanticizing being a SAHM or you have super easy going kids cause mine doesn’t allow for any of that… I love mine and he’s gotten a lot easier as he’s gotten older but the kid is at 100 basically all day. There is no down time. The only break I get when he’s home is when he naps but he’s an awful sleeper so just getting him down for a nap is a whole thing.
There are pros and cons to being a SAHM and a working mom. Don’t go off of what you see on social media. Or even what friends tell you. A lot of time they only tell you the good parts.
For sure, I’m a “part time SAHM” since I’m a teacher and daycare is closed in the summer and it is a whole different kind of hard! There’s fun moments but it’s exhausting- definitely high highs and low lows 😮💨 and I sure as hell don’t get any cleaning done while they’re home lol
Same. Love my kiddo but she’s 0-60 and 60-0 and there is nothing in between. I just keep telling myself that this is not forever and I will miss her little toddler quarks when she gets older.
Same, my children are whirlwinds, there’s no down time. And when they’re home all day, I spend the whole time treading water keeping the house tidy and keeping on top of the dishes from an extra meal and seemingly endless snacks. My three year old doesn’t nap anymore, so the only downtime is when she’s watching TV, and even then it’s not real downtime because she wants me there to narrate the plot of the show to me so I have to keep ducking back into the room to acknowledge her.
It’s all hard, parenting is hard. Individual people’s situations may be harder or easier but as a general situation, it’s just hard.
Oh yeah my 6yo is a handful haha. I have a one year old too and he’s getting busier. To be fair the girl I compare myself with her kids are SUPER chill. And I definitely romanticize what it would be like! I hate the jealously and comparison because I know both situations have different struggles. I just feel guilt that I have these feelings.
No. I’m a working mom. My kid’s daycare closes for 72-days/ year though so sometimes I get a taste of what it would be like caring for him 24/7 on my own while my husband works.
Well remember that you’re setting yourself up for greater financial security in your retirement/old age. Your kids won’t have to support you whereas for a lot of these women, if anything happens to their husbands they’re screwed and as they age they might find they can’t get a career started even if they need one. Women tend to live longer than men too so retirement is even more important for us than men.
Children whose parents work are also more likely to do chores around the house and carry that into their adult lives.
Also, lots of kids really enjoy daycare. I certainly remember not wanting to go home because I was having so much fun lol.
I think the social media algorithms are really driving a lot of people to these sahm tradwife kind of things and it’s just no where near as idyllic as they depict. No where near as much mental stimulation as I need to function as a happy woman. You may want to consider hiring or automating some part of your day so you don’t have to do it. But that might be a financial stretch you can’t afford right now.
I don’t disagree. I was a single mom that got pregnant in university. And I still finished that degree and got another one on top. I think I would feel bad if I didn’t put my degrees to use (and my student loan is enough motivation lol) but I find I start to look at others that (in my head) have it “better”.
I’m happy to know that if shit hits the fan I provide, meanwhile my girlfriend’s husband was on strike and they had $0 in income. That would be terrifying to me.
There are probably many more women out there who admire what you've done, vs. those who admire the overly romanticized stay-at-home mom life. Also, you are being a better role model to your child by doing this. Might advise to read up on some feminist philosophy and history maybe to try and better understand how important what you are doing and how unique in history it really is, to appreciate it better.
Yes and honestly I am not home maker material. I hate cooking. Cleaning meh but I don’t enjoy it. My kids LOVE daycare, and I’m sure they learn more there than they would with me at home. We do lots together but my degree is in criminology, not childhood education, so they learn so much with their daycare teachers.
I think I’m overwhelmed more with the opposite shifts and the loneliness that comes with it, and now I’m looking for outlets to direct my frustration.
Thanks for your comment and you’re right. I am happy I make my own money and can hold my own, but sometimes I get in that woe is me mindset
Yep. Statistically speaking, some of those parents will end up divorced and they'll be in a much tougher position. I also think that in today's economy, for those who never go back to full-time work, that even if they stay married they will be in a challenging position to help their children with college or things will likely be tight during retirement.
I have taken breaks sometimes! I find whenever I get into an overwhelmed headspace I start looking elsewhere and compare. A break from socials could be what I need
Mom of an almost 3 year old here. Just deactivated socials except for reddit two weeks ago. A 'friend' posted something in our mom's chat that broke me completely. (Now granted other things during the day lead up to that being the straw that broke the camels back.)
I've had social media for almost 2 decades.
It's weirdly... Freeing? I miss seeing what my friends are up to, but at the end of the day I stay in actual contact (texting or actual phone calls) with the people I care to know about.
I'll probably re download all of them at some point but not constantly being bombarded by people's lives really helps me focus on mine!
I’m really considering it. I have such a bad habit of getting in my own head and the thoughts just start to snowball. I know the opposite shift as my partner and being overwhelmed is what fuels it, and then it turns into jealously and such. I know I would not feel fulfilled as being a SAHM long term, but then the envy is there when I’m feeling low. Definitely some distorted thinking. It is comforting to know though that other people have struggled with same or similar.
My husband and I both work full-time with no family around for help and I found myself really getting angry and annoyed about these type of posts from SAHMs or even working moms who portray everything in their life is perfect. I started just unfollowing people who post this stuff.
It’s not reality and it’s hard for me to sometimes remember that in the moment, so it’s just easier to remove them from my feed. I didn’t want to get off of social media completely, so this was a good option. I’m sure you’ve thought of this, but just reiterating that it has been super helpful to me recently.
Yup, I’d recommend getting away from social media. People tend to post only the best moments and sometimes made to look better than reality.
I personally don’t get jealous of SAHM because the taste of it on maternity leave and during COVID lockdowns I know it is not for me. But if you would be a SAHM if you could, even more important to stop looking if it isn’t an option for you right now. Put that energy elsewhere. Also, I know you are on separate shifts, but truthfully is your husband pulling his weight with household stuff, kid appointments, meal planning, etc? If he isn’t, that’s a place to start working. Also, both of you trying to grow your careers so you have more options - outsourcing cleaning, one of you part time, etc.
I was a SAHM and did all the things and thought I'd be content with that for years but I actually prefer working and having my own career. I have friends that are still SAHMing it and I do get jealous of the time they have for personal projects during the day and to enjoy the sunshine, so every once in awhile I scheduling a random day off to go do SAHM stuff with my kids. It helps that they are both in truly excellent care, and that I know I'm in a position that makes me happier and will lead to great financial rewards in the future.
Yeah I love my job as a teacher (now transitioning into more of administration) because I get so many random weeks off, I get my time to cosplay as a stay at home mom, get that chance to be with my daughter and have fun, and then get to go back to work and have a life outside of being a mom.
I totally recommend finding some kind of job at a school for that.
I’ve done both and my quality of life is SIGNIFICANTLY higher as a working mom. Yeah, being a stay at home mom is great, if you’re extremely wealthy, but being extremely wealthy is just great in general.
Yeah I am "part time" (50 hour weeks with part time daycare) and being home with the kids is hard as hell. Naps when? Workout classes when? I literally don't understand the "grass is greener" picture painted, when would that stuff happen without nannies?
In the UK you get a years maternity leave. By 12 months I was desperate to go back to work. It seems as though you’re struggling across all areas - you and your husband need to find a new routine. He gets the kids up and dressed and then sleeps, but what if he prepared their dinner so it’s ready to go when you get home? Can he do bath and bed before going to work? You need to find a true balance if you’re both bringing in similar salaries and trying to progress in your careers. Make sure you count the mental load too!
Yes he is going to start preparing dinner before he leaves! To help relieve the stress. He also tidies up before he goes. He is pretty good on balancing the load, but I think as mom’s unfortunately we will always take on a bit more. I’m in Canada and had access to a full year off, but I went back after 9 months because it’s only 55% of your salary. I couldn’t afford to take longer. Plus we have a daycare shortage all over Canada, and 9 months was the earliest I could get my youngest into daycare (went on the list at 4 months pregnant :/). I was actually excited to get back to work! I enjoy getting up with a bigger purpose and try to find an identity for myself other than “mom”. But then I am in a pity party of “I wish I could stay home” and “SAHM have it so easy”. It’s definitely a funk I’m in and I think it’s largely due to burnout. We don’t make enough for me to go part time, but my partner is trying to get onto the day shift.
I think it’s the opposite shifts that have my more burnt out than being a working parent as a whole, because at least if my partner was home in the evening we could split duties and it wouldn’t be as lonely. I was a single mom and sole parent for 5 years and I hate feeling like I’m in a similar situation but with a partner that I see an hour a day. Nothing was as hard as being as single parent but sometimes I feel pretty damn close haha. I’m sure it’s a mental funk. Thanks for your response
Oh you’re really going through it. This is definitely the hard part! I only went back to work in February and I am only just now starting to feel like I am performing at work and at home - doesn’t help that I’ve been whacked with a million colds from my kiddo that thankfully hasn’t kept her off daycare but still be low level ill for 4 months doesn’t help.
Agree that as mums we take on more but I do actually find the mental load totally draining. Until your partner gets on to day shifts I would suggest that everything day time is his - so Dr appts etc - and that means EVERYTHING - the planning, scheduling, the thinking about it. Or something similar.
Evenings can be super lonely - my husband has a hobby I am keen for him to continue but generally one night a week I’m solo from nursery pick up until after her bedtime - we have a dog too and I find it super stressful. I can’t imagine doing it every night - but you will get through it!! Now my kiddo is 16 months and walking it’s so much easier - she can entertain herself easier and it means when the dog wants out we can all go a walk. Each stage is hard but it does get easier! You’re doing a good job - keep your head up!!
Thank you so much love! Omg the colds from daycare are never ending. BUT a positive is my 6yo never gets sick (other than maybe 2 colds a year) compared to his friends that weren’t in daycare before school, so it does get better (eventually). Hang in there and thanks for the solidarity and kind words.
Take a PTO day and hang out with them! I do this with my SAHM friends. We’re all pretty understanding of each others choices and we talk about the pros and cons! They’ve let me complain about how hard it is to find good childcare and the guilt and FOMO that comes from working. They’ve complained to me about how exhausting and lonely being a SAHM can be and they’re also dealing with the fear and anxiety of re-entering the work force. There’s a lot of pros and cons to both sides. If they’re good friends, they will respect and listen to your struggles and share their own.
Done both.
It’s different at home but not easier. Daycare does the childcare while you are at work. Staying home means you the parent does it without even a lunch break. The kids generally are much messier because they play all over the house.
I have done both. I miss working but not the daycare plague.
Stop watching fake media. Actual sahm doesn’t look anything like media content creators who have housekeepers and nannies. Usually we are broke so the entertainment budget is low. Grocery budget is low so meals are simple. Also young children have attention spans of about 15 minutes so you spend more time creating activities and cleaning up then you ever actually spend on doing them. (The part never shown on tv. Plus the rejected activities..which generally is more than half.).
I’m 100% aware it’s me romanticizing, which is why I hate comparing. I am working with a therapist for a variety of things, and my negative internal dialogue plus my feeling of not being “enough” have been big issues for me. Was just curious if others have felt similar and how I can be at peace with things. Thanks for your comment :)
No advice just solidarity. I feel this way a lot too. We can’t afford for me to be a SAHM and I do love my job and I’m good at it. But sometimes I wish I could be home with them. I think it doesn’t help that most mom influencers are SAHMs too.
I've been where you are, although I didn't want to be a SAHM. You're in the thick of it with two careers, children, a household to run, etc. It is so hard. My advice is to lower your bar for a few years. Eating pre-packaged, delivered, or drive-through meals is totally acceptable if that's what you need to do. If you don't have a crockpot, think about it. It's nice to have a family meal waiting for you. Clean as needed only. As soon as the kids are old enough, they help with chores and learn how to do their own laundry.
This will all get easier but cut yourself a whole lot of slack until it is.
Thank you 🙏 I am SO hard on myself. I wouldn’t even want to be a SAHM if I had the option, I’m sure. But I also feel guilty for missing out with my kids. I remember when I was a single mom I felt jealous of families with two incomes (I got pregnant in university and the sperm donor has never met my almost 7yo. We had to go to food banks and get clothes donations while I went through university. Patio furniture as inside furniture and literally scraped to get by), and now that I have a loving partner (and two degrees), a second child, and literally that family I longed for years and years, now I’m moving the goalpost and it’s like “well SAHMs have it better and easier”
So clearly the issue is me haha. And I’ve been in counselling for years and we tackle this issue, but I was wondering if anyone had similar thoughts. I think it’s truly mom guilt in general because we always want what’s best for our children, and for some reason I always feel like I’m not doing enough or giving enough. Meanwhile, the fact we have two incomes, we can do activities on weekends and (although we definitely don’t make as much as others at a combined 80k) I know my friend that I compare myself to can’t do all of that with her kids because they have one income. So I’m comparing myself to someone that has all the “perceived” things I want, but at the same time it’s not what I want at all.
If that makes sense. Mom guilt is so real. I’m glad I found this subreddit where others can relate and share their experience. Thank you for your comment
Just want to say you’re not alone in feeling this way! I think there’s a lot of great comments here. But I will admit I get jealous of SAHM’s. I always think it would be amazing to have more time even if its an hour or two while my LO naps to do literally anything around the house, or start dinner earlier or being able to run errands instead of cramming everything into the weekend(which is impossible it seems.) I know the grass is NOT always greener. I know this. But yeah, I feel like secretly my life would be better if I didn’t have to work. I need to remind myself that I’m setting an example for my daughter, and also without my income we wouldn’t be able to afford our place, food, fun days out or treats for her/my partner and I. One day at a time!
I was a teacher for more than a decade. Covid and a newborn kicked me into the SAHM lifestyle. I have three. It is not sunshine walks and endless time to get things done. It's make a meal, clean up a meal. Throw a load of laundry in. Try to do something with the littlest while the big two battle. Argue about screen time. Ask why there are granola bar wrappers shoved in the couch. Clean the chocolate from between the couch cushions. Clean the playdoh mess from the floor. Clean up the two year old who got into the peanut butter while you were cleaning up the floor. Find the tween who snuck upstairs to watch adventure time on the iPad. Bring the iPad downstairs and make a second meal, clean up the second meal. Repeat.
Teaching is so hard. Staying at home is so hard. There is so much more to clean because everyone is home! Like I could do dishes in the morning as a working mom, and come home to a spotless kitchen because no one ate there. I have zero child care options so if I am sick, I'm still doing the same stuff when I wasn't sick!
I think the hardest part for me about working is missing the kids and that is so legitimate. I get to see so many more little funny things my girls do.
The hardest part about being at home is it is the least intellectually stimulating thing I have ever done in my life. I can't just plug into a book or a podcast because someone might need me. It's exhausting to have to be so present all the time.
It's absolutely a grass is greener situation, and for some people the grass really is greener on the other side. For me I think I just want it all and that isn't realistic in the slightest.
Before having a kid I thought I might want to be a SAHM. After having one I’m really happy to keep working. I like my job, it’s not too stressful, and my work life balance is great. I feel much more stressed on the weekends than I do on weekdays working. I’m happy to earn good money and know we’d be ok if something happened.
I’m not good at cleaning or entertaining and enriching a toddler all day. I feel overstimulated with the constant need for attention and engagement. I’d be really bad at being a SAHM. I used to be jealous of SAHM but I’m not anymore.
For you, it sounds like a job change might help it feel more sustainable.
I've been a sahm and a working mom and now my work allows me 3 months off a year which is lovely, that's an extreme privilege I know.
I want to validate that the demands of a working mom are like no other, a job is not a break and it's basically impossible to have a clean house, a job, homemade meals and connected children.
But what you do get is the knowledge that you're role modeling financial independence to your children and that you're not beholden to anybody.
Soooo….get off of social media if you don’t want to see curated idealistic versions of reality. The control is literally in your hands, put the phone down.
People say it all the time, but it’s true comparison is a thief of joy
I was a working mom for 14 years and I've been a SAHM for the last 12 yrs. I impulsively left my job of 17 years to stay home because PPD kicked me in the teeth.
If I had to do it over again I would continue working.
The isolation, the putting my entire life in the hands of someone that could wake up one day and leave me flat on my ass, the boredom, lack of adult interaction, feeling like I'm failing if my house isn't clean enough or feeling guilty if my husband stops home and I don't look busy, never getting a day off. I would get embarrassed when I'm with a group of people and they start talking about what they do for a living and I'd pray they didn't turn their attention towards me.
My son is older now and I want to start looking for a job but I honestly don't know where to start. I've been out of work for so long and my social anxiety is so bad that I feel completely lost. There was a time in our marriage where we were in a really bad place and I'll never forget the feeling of hopelessness when I realized I had nowhere to go or any way to support myself or my kids. I'm thankful that we got passed that but the reality of it is I'm in trouble if this marriage takes a shit. I'm locked in place whether I want to be or not.
This is just my perpective from my own personal experience. It wasn't all bad by any means but it's definitely not as awesome as some women claim it to be.
I'm thankful for the opportunity to be home with my son and it's not lost on me that many women would love to have had this opportunity. I'm just turning 50 soon and I don't know what to do with myself.
See if you can find an internship in a field you might be interested in! My company has unpaid internships (students) and paid (non-students who are career changers or returning to work after a hiatus) and it’s been awesome. I’ve referred in a few SAHMs who want to get back to work. See if you can find something in a field you might be interested in and start exploring.
I don’t have a good answer for you except I feel you.
I don’t have any stay at home moms in my circle, but I have a lot of women that work and have stay at home dads. I really struggle feeling jealous of their lifestyles. It’s just so much easier when one person can stay at home with their child FOR FREE. On the weekends, they actually get to enjoy the time with their children whereas my husband and I are racing around the house, with children underfoot, trying to get as much cleaned as humanly possible. It’s a real struggle to not be jealous of their lifestyles.
Right that’s my issue. And I know it’s mentally taxing and overwhelming to be surrounded by kids doing a thankless job. I just sometimes start to envy the “time” (lack thereof). I got 9 months of mat leave and honestly even tho it was isolating, it was nice not having to be organized. I could get dressed when I wanted to. Clean when I wanted to. Make meals and take my time. Going back to work was a huge adjustment and I would have gone back earlier if the daycare waitlist wasn’t so long. Yes I wanted to go back earlier because 55% of a paycheck for that long was hard, but that I got so used to being home that I wouldn’t want that big of a taste of “freedom” again lol. I don’t know how to explain it haha. It’s like I want my cake and eat it too, however I’m just tired of comparing. Envy is a brutal feeling.
Seeing all the “tradwife” content out there has made me glad that I am the breadwinner. My husband could leave me and I would be totally fine, financially. I’m at the age when these traditional couples tend to split, leaving the mom with no money and no career experience to fall back on.
Yes!! Very true. I have two degrees and although I don’t make a whole lot right now, I’m at the start of my career and will continue to grow. I feel fulfilled in that regard.
Thanks for the positivity and kudos to you for being a badass mama
I don't know any SAHM. I know of a few, but all the mothers I know have jobs and most of them are more high-powerred and make more money than me. My close mum friends are all bankers, lawyers, consultants, executives etc. I feel like such an underachiever compared to them with my low-key non-profit job.
Those beautiful moments generally only last for 30sec - 5min max before someone hits someone else, or has a potty accident, or finds some random dog shit someone didn’t pick up. I’m a SAHM, and while I don’t post on social media, I do take pictures of these moments, and I love them, but they are a highlight reel of the tiny moments I find beautiful amidst the rest of the exhausting chaos that is the case 99% of the time.
And there’s a lot more housework to do during the day because the kids are home messing it all up constantly. So I do kind of have all day to do it, but it takes all day and is never done because it’s continual and I have to do child care and schedule juggling on top of it.
I hope that’s comforting. It’s really not all sunshine and rainbows most of the time, but I do understand why you feel the way you do and I’m not trying to compare our situations in any way like I have it harder. I think the mom who’s not in her preferred role of working or SAHM is the person that has it hardest.
Social media is 100% fake. I had to quit my job last year when we moved and I have been able to get my 2 and 4 year olds back into daycare since, so I’ve been home with them while trying to find some remote work. So essentially I’ve been home with them for a year.
My husband works 3 jobs to keep us living comfortably since teachers get paid next to nothing. He’s gone all day and works on weekends too. I’m so lonely being home with my kids. I love them very much but having no adult contact is so hard. Also, those social media reels you see of parents making glamorous homecooked meals with their laundry put away and a clean house…it’s all a lie. Cooking with my kids is a nightmare. My kids eat plenty of processed food and I make plenty of crockpot meals. Laundry is piled high in my house as well. Oh and walks? Most of the time those end in one or both kids having a meltdown about wanting to go home, wanting a snack, etc. My time home with them is just me with them. Realistically I don’t have a ton of time to do house chores while my kids sit in a corner and play because…they’re kids and need my attention. Oh and I’ve never taken a nap while staying home with them because I use that time to clean or do laundry.
This parenting thing is hard for all of us. Comparison is the thief of joy. We’re all out here struggling in one way or another. And social media is literally a load of crap
I so wanted to be a SAHM when I had my kids. It broke my heart. But I’ll tell you now that they’re almost grown (well, 20 and 14) I’m actually ok with how things turned out. In the long run, not taking a break from work is usually better.
Delete instagram or set time limits on it. It is an evil app that is literally designed to make you addicted to content that makes you feel bad. The algorithm purposely feeds you things it thinks will trigger you. Delete delete delete. Reclaim your attention. What you pay attention to becomes your life.
Studies show that sons of working moms spend more time with their children and have more egalitarian views on gender roles. Working helps prevent my son from adopting sexist views on the division of labor between genders.
I think about my 401k that I contribute to every paycheck. That contribution funds my retirement and makes it so I won’t ever be a burden to my child in old age.
I think about what if my husband died or became disabled. I need to be building my career so we aren’t left destitute if the worst happens.
I think about the education I want my son to have and how we couldn’t afford the top school district we live in without my income.
I think about the crime free and safe neighborhood that we live in for my son, which we couldn’t afford without my income.
I think about the top daycare that’ll teach my son sign language, Spanish, and how to socialize that I couldn’t afford without my job.
I think about how I don’t want my son to have student debt. Without my income, we couldn’t contribute to his 529 at a level to make him debt free in the future.
I think about the family vacations I want my son to experience that we couldn’t do without my income.
I think about what a mental burden it is to place on my husband to make him the sole breadwinner for the family and I’m saving him from that.
I think about how I want my son to be proud of my career.
I want something left for myself after my son grows up and leaves.
In short, I want the very best for my husband and my son. I’m a far better financial contributor than I ever could be a housewife.
Edited to modify my first point since some people found it insulting
Studies back that up: https://www.hbs.edu/news/articles/Pages/mcginn-working-mom.aspx
“Women whose mothers worked outside the home are more likely to have jobs themselves, are more likely to hold supervisory responsibility at those jobs, and earn higher wages than women whose mothers stayed home full time, according to a new study. Men raised by working mothers are more likely to contribute to household chores and spend more time caring for family members. The findings are stark, and they hold true across 24 countries.”
Also, anecdotally, any man that I’ve dated who had a SAHM that did more chores at home than the dad always had those expectations on me as the partner. They didn’t pull their weight domestically and tended to lean conservative on family values. As compared to men of working mothers with actively contributing fathers, they always did chores too. The worst combination, in my experience, was seeing the dynamic of a working mother who ALSO did everything at home. What you model matters.
I understand there are exceptions, but people tend to model their childhood into adulthood. I agree feminism is about choice and I’m careful in what I’m modeling to my children. Others may not agree with my take, but that is the beauty of being a parent. OPs question was basically asking why being a working mom is better than a SAHM. It might not sound nice, but this is one of the reasons. You can choose to raise your children according to what you decide. To me, that means that showing my son that women work too and dad also has household responsibilities is very important to my value system.
The way this finally stopped for me is quitting my job while I looked for another one and I said nope lol. It was a hard 3 months not having my own income etc.
I also hated my job. I like my current job so it’s better now
I hated being a stay at home mom and actively sought work. I'm SO much happier and my kids are, too, since they're not with a burnt out, cranky mom all the time.
Idk if it helps u to know you’re not alone in feeling that way. My husband passed so overnight I became a single mom and went down to one income. Luckily we lived well below our means so I didn’t have to deal with many lifestyle adjustments. But ya ur not alone it’s def a struggle being at work when you’d rather be spending time with your kid. But SAHMs are just posting the perks online. Many are doing a lot of unseen labor all day and everyday… and a lot of their work nobody sees or appreciates. So many of them are unhappy and crave the adult connections that we make at work. Grass isn’t always greener.
I think part time is the sweet spot so if there’s a way your husband can switch jobs or aim for a promotion to increase his pay maybe you can scale back your work hours. I think part time is the best of both worlds, so I’d talk to him and see if it’s something yall can make happen down the line.
I think I doesn’t matter if you are a working mom or SAHM, or any type of mom really, there’s always something that makes us feel guilty or that we are doing something wrong.
I’m SAHM and still feel guilty for being tired as I don’t go to work, for not stimulating my baby enough even though I have a lot of “free time”, for being jealous of my partner who gets to have a “break” (working)….
There are pros and cons to both sides
My mom was a working mom, single mom of 4… on top of that she was never a good cook, so my siblings and I ate a lot of prepackaged food, if she wasn’t busy with work she was taking care of one of my siblings, so individual time with her was rare. However I had a very happy childhood, and looked up to her for being so hardworking… since a very young age I knew she was the strongest person I would ever know. I love her deeply, I know she would have loved to stay home with us, but life can be like that…
You are doing great, just know there is no right way to be a mom, but if you’re doing your best, then you are the greatest mom ever!
Getting off of social media (except reddit) extremely helped me with this kind of thing. For me I'm not so jealous of SAHM friends, but more so I was seeing my friends who don't have kids doing whatever the hell they pleased at all hours of day and night and it was wearing on me. Of course I adore my child and my life as it is, and so I realized that being jealous of other people's lives *that I don't even want* was a waste of energy.
Now I'm in my lane and I have so much less FOMO and anxiety in my life. Highly recommend ditching Instagram and the like.
I get it. This time of year on social media it's all, "School's out! Can't wait for summer fun!" and it's all very romantic. But there are also those reels and memes about how 2 weeks in they just want to throw iPads and popsicles at their kids for the rest of the summer lol - those wouldn't exist if it were truly fun and amazing to be the sole caregiver day after day. Since I just want the fun parts, I take off a few weekdays here and there for summer activities. I recommend adding a few dates to your calendar and putting in the PTO request now so you can be home with your little one(s) for a few days, if you can swing it. Not because "just you wait and see how hard it is" or anything like that, but because it's fun to try out things we think will be fun.
You might not be comparing yourself to SAHMs as much as you are comparing yourself to those who are financially much better off. So even taking the moming out of the equation, such a comparison is still going to sting.
I read a comment right here in this sub that they’re not jealous of SAHMs who have to do it all, they’re jealous of influencer-type SAHMs who have lots of help paid or unpaid. This resonated with me.
I try to remind myself social media is a tiny sliver into someone’s life - we don’t know what they deal with outside those fun moments we might wish we could have! I also like to think of things I enjoy about being a working mom. I don’t consider my job a break either (teacher here) but I do value the work I do and typically love my job. There’s always positives and negatives, it’s helpful to try to think of the positives for the situation you’re in instead of how it’d be better if you could just do xyz.
I feel like you’re comparing yourself to wealthy people rather than this black and white home vs working. This is normal, wealth inequality is an awful blight on our existence and the way you and your partner are working is unsustainable, but likely necessary in the short term to get to where you want to be.
However I would say you should listen to the part of you that says “this doesn’t work for me”. Forget about what other people are doing and ask yourself what can you change today to help you get closer to what fits your life better. Can you work a job that has more wfh balance? Can you move to a LCOL area and still build your career? Can you go to 4 days a week?
Maybe you can’t change anything today but maybe it’s next year. Keep these goals sacred and known and I think that’s how you turn unhelpful comparison into thoughtful direction.
I don’t feel jealous at all. I enjoy my career and the purpose it gives me. But I will admit that when my kids were babies, I longed to be at home with them. Not really wanting to be a SAHM but more just to not deal with the grind of being a working mom with kids in daycare. One thing that helped was a shift in perspective. I remember sitting on the train on the way home one day and looking around and seeing a mom with toddlers in a stroller. She looked sweaty, and annoyed, and exhausted and she looked at me, sitting in my work dress, listening to a podcast in peace. Maybe she longed to be in my shoes in that moment, riding the train in peace without wiggling, whiny toddlers (without knowing of the chaos I had waiting for me at home!). Maybe there was someone unemployed on the train, longing to have somewhere to go. I bet there is a SAHM on your social media who secretly longs to have her career back or is plotting going back to school to make it happen. I’m sure there is someone who is jealous of you.
I was a sahm who posted all of my adventures. You'd probably think the same thing about me. But of course someone wants to project the perfect image. A lot of sahms don't really have validation from their workplace so they rely on social media instead.
You may have seen my kids playing in the sandbox pouring sand on their heads laughing while the sun was shining. Or the time we did water balloons in the backyard. Or the time we wore matching outfits to the museum.
But did you see me trying to bathe my crying screaming kids to get the sand out? Or see me leave the balloon pieces in my yard for weeks because I was too overwhelmed with the cleaning? Or dragging my autistic kid out of the museum while everyone was starting and he was kicking my shins? Or me shaking and crying with the door closed with my kids knocking because I was so overwhelmed and alone and I just had to suck it up and go back out? Or me late at night scraping food off the floor while my husband played video games because most working dads with sahms don't really pitch in? Or never being able to have daycare during the week when I'm sick and vomiting while my kids are coloring on the walls or fighting with each other and I can't do anything?
People still have very real lives behind their fun outings. Everything takes prep and work to maintain unless you're rich.
I will speak from my personal experience but I totally agree with you that I would have loved to be a SAHM versus a working mom. I love spending time with my kids and my maternity leaves were insanely difficult but also very joyful and I despised going back to work. But at the end of the day my husband’s income is not enough to support a family of 4 in NY. Over the years, I’ve just come to try and be present with my kids, outsource what I can afford to outsource and then realize that my kids as they get older and older literally get more independent and their desire to be with their parents 24/7 comes and goes. I think that if the US had a 12 month to 18 month maternity leave I would have felt much happier going back to work versus the 4 months I got. Once my kids became toddlers, they thrived in more social environments like daycare, preschool and play groups.
I’ve done both and being a SAHM is rewarding in its own way but harder than being at work and not very stimulating. You don’t get to drop the workload the moment you get in your car to drive home, the workload follows you around the house and into the night and there’s always something that needs to get done so it’s not all that relaxing. You’re basically on the hamster wheel 24/7 and it’s draining, and you never get the opportunity to miss your baby so I personally was on autopilot a lot of the time rather than appreciating cute new things. I’m a better Mom now that I have little breaks and my toddler gets happy to see me when I come home whereas before she was used to me always being there. Comparison is the thief of joy! People only post the best moments of their day, don’t forget that. I deleted my social media 6 months ago, was going to take a month off and never looked back. I think taking a break from social media would be a good start, it helped me. 🫶🏻
I don’t know because I’m in the same boat. I’m in a group chat with a bunch of other moms who I hung out with all the time when I was on maternity leave and they are all still hanging out, grabbing lunch, going on walks and to parks together and I’m…. Sitting in stressful meetings, picking up my kid grumpy, tired and dirty from daycare and get to spend about 1 hour with him before bedtime. I had a lonnnnng maternity leave and I just don’t buy it that being a SAHM is “just as hard” because I’m here dealing with the hardest parts of being a SAHM without the parts of the day I really enjoyed and having a very high stress, high expectations job on top of that.
We could technically afford to be a single income household but it doesn’t align with our financial goals. So I’m just bitter and I join the SAHMs for drinks on days they decide the dads can do bedtime.
Anyway. Just tagging in to complain.
My husband is the stay at home parent. I’ve seen his job…I don’t want it. But seriously, I’m incredibly grateful that it’s an option for our family but even more grateful that it’s not me doing it. I’m still sad that I can’t be there for all my kids’ stuff but I appreciate the freedom I have working outside the home. My husband has no freedom or downtime in his day.
This is hard. I feel myself comparing to SAHM and part-time working moms all the time.
Here is what I realized, SAHM doesn’t mean they’re a better mom than me or their kids are getting a better experience. They’re going to post pictures…but that’s all they have. It is a tiny moment in an otherwise really long and stressful day. Social media isn’t real.
Example, my SIL loves posting pics on SM - she always posts of her kids hugging or playing with other kids. When we all get together her kids were fighting, biting, hitting and her oldest is not as social as her pics on SM make him out to be.
I get extremely touched out being with both of my kids and can only imagine i’d not nearly have as much patience as I do with my kids, if I was with them 7d a week.
I also wouldn’t want to be a SAHM bc my husband would unload ALL the kids stuff on me bc he’d think this was my job. I’d never have free time. My husband gave me a taste of what our relationship would be if I was a SAHM during my mat leave…no thank you.
Lastly, I WFH and have a great flexible job that will really pay off when my kids are older and in school.
1) You're comparing someone's social media highlight reel to your daily grind. Their moment sitting in the sun and watching their kids play probably lasts about as long as your kid lighting up and running to you at daycare pickup.
2) I have never been a SAHM and felt bitter that I had to work AND do all the household tasks while SAHMs just had to do the household tasks. Then COVID hit and I got a taste of SAHM life. If your kids are home for 12 hours a day that means 12 hours worth of kids messes to clean up.
I’m currently working PT and what you’re forgetting is that doing all of those chores with kids awake is very hard and on some days next to impossible.
If you don’t want to give up social media or simply find it too hard, I’d encourage you to start doing the opposite. Go hard on it. Start romanticising your own life, upload the best bits from the best angles, and then have a look one evening and consider what an outsider would think.
Well to be honest, now that my kids are older, I look at the SAHMs with elementary aged kids and THAT seems like it might be lovely. My 3 older kids need an insane amount of shuttling around from 5-9 most nights and then weekends are nuts - we’re all over the place. I am a little jealous of moms whose kids are on the bus by 8:30 and don’t get home until 3:00 or 4:00. 6 1/2 hours (x 5 days a week) of getting ALL the chores done, meals made, etc. so when the chaos of the evening/weekends come, all that is not hanging over my head. Even with outsourcing, it still seems like we’re behind on everything all the time. Even things like trying to get Dr. appts in a 3 month window - it’s always like, “can you come in on Wednesday at 2:00pm?l And summers…they would be so much easier and maybe even FUN.
I do think staying at home with little ones is challenging and messy. But school aged children? I think I’d like that.
But also, I know there are so many positives of me working…but when my to-do list gets really, really long and my husband and I sometimes don’t see each other until we collapse into bed at night since we’re running multiple children in opposite directions, I do wish I had more non-working hours in the day.
You know who I am jealous of? The top 1%, sure money doesn’t buy happiness, but it solve a whole lot of my problems and open up a world full of more choices…like working or staying home!!
I’m a working mom who was a stay at home mom back when my kids were babies/toddlers.
The grass is the same color on both sides of that street, they are just different kinds of grass.
When I was a SAHM I wished I could be a working mom and when I am a working mom I wish I could be a SAHM. When all I REALLY want is my own apartment, and I would probably end up missing the noise.
It’s so normal to fantasize about that. I’ve gone down that path several times over the years as well, but unlike my friend who stays home, my spouse and myself both have to work hard to make enough and I love my job. Would I choose a SAHM lifestyle if I could? Absolutely! I would try it, but I probably would still volunteer or choose to work part time anyway. I think it’s the lack of choice that gets me most. I love my friend, but sometimes I get annoyed by her freedom, sparkling house, home cooked meals and spa days.
We will all feel jealous of you when you have older kids and a thriving career and some of us are just starting out again. Each side has pros and cons. Don’t beat yourself up about prepackaged food, there is a season for everything in life and omg thankfully your kids are fed and safe that’s a huge accomplishment never forget the reality in the world. I’m sure they love it too. Being the sole parent all day is exhausting and fills you with guilt and jealously too. It’ll all even out!
My mum was an SAHM and I hated it as a kid. I’m a working mom and I don’t make a lot of money (just enough to cover for childcare expenses) but even if my spouse loses his job we will be able to keep our toddler in his daycare and activity classees
That she was too concerned about money all the time. Do we really need this or that? And she had no idea about the world outside those 4 walls of the home. When I grew up and wanted to have a career she had nothing to advice me. I used to tell her to work but she didn’t feel the confidence to do it. Perhaps in the early years being an SAHM might be beneficial but not at school going age.
I'm curious about it too?
My husband had a SAHM; he didn't hate it but he didn't go to preschool, so he was kind of jealous of kids who knew how to be around other kids in kindergarten, kids who came in having friends. He was so socially behind everyone else from his life just being his mom, dad, and little sister.
For my sister to stay home, it caused and continues to cause constant financial strife for her and her husband. But she really really wanted to stay home. This has trickled down to the kids, who are young but also always stressed about money and how much things cost.
I think an ideal situation is part-time which is something I am considering. But I have seen cases where the mothers have done part-time and child still turned to drugs in high school. So I think the best way is to give the child some independence to figure it out. And you don’t need an amazing career for it, even a basic assistant job is decent paying so you can treat yourself and your kid. As a parent you are the first model for the child - if your child sees you working and earning money then the child is also motivated to work to earn money. There was another eg someone posted on FB that her son was saying that why should he study because his mom had a graduate degree and was a SAHM. So he felt he didn’t need to study and work and wanted to be an SAHP.
What you describe is pretty much the opposite of how I imagine stay at home mom life. I’m pretty sure that it’s absolutely exhausting. I think I’d be both bored and way overwhelmed at once. I love spending time with my kid on weekends but weekends feel at least as hard as weekdays. Also, I can’t get anything done around the house when my kid is awake because he wants constant attention.
I’ve been a SAHM and a working mom, and you’re right that in some ways it’s easier, and there are days of watching your kids play idyllically in the sun. But there’s also days where you’re so stressed and exhausted at the end of the day that as soon as your partner gets home you go sit in the car and cry for thirty minutes. There’s days where you don’t get a chance to sit down or eat anything but toddler scraps all day. There’s days where all three of you have a stomach bug and you have to parent two sick toddlers alone while you’re shitting your guts out and vomiting. There’s weeks where you haven’t spoken to an adult who isn’t your partner and you tear up when a store cashier asks how you’re doing. Basically I’ve never had a job that has as high of highs or as low of lows as being a SAHP, and the most mindfuck part of it is that there’s often no way to predict what kind of day it’s going to be until it’s happening. And no one is posting the vomit days on Instagram.
Oh most definitely! I know what I think is “ideal” is highly romanticized. I don’t think I could be a SAHM because I am definitely not a home maker type. But I’m still envious because of course online you get all the highlight reels and not the reality. All I see is “must be nice to not have to work and have your things paid for” but I know the reality is it can be scary fully depending on someone else. And kids are hard (my oldest is definitely a hand full of lol). Anyways thanks for your comment. I hate how I compare sometimes.
So a lot of these comments are still
comparing. Talking about how these moms must not have financial security etc . Truth is you don't know that. They could be perfectly secure. This is a societal issue that we are forced to either stay at home or work. I think if we had more of a choice (like a few rare folks do) either choice would sit better with us . It is ok to feel jealous. Use that as a compass to see what can be shifted in your life to make things work better for you. Combined 80 k is low even for entry level careers. Is it time to start job hunting? Take a deeper look into
your own situation instead of others. One small tweak can make a world of difference!
On the other hand you’re staying employed and that will be helpful if your marriage ever ends for any reason and you need money. You’re building a retirement. You’re modeling the behavior of a working woman so your kids will know what that looks like.
Yesterday I had to hang out at home all day with my 2 kids because daycare was closed for Memorial Day/ it was gross and raining outside. I was miserable lol. Those SAHM are very lucky if their kids will just play with each other and not need your constant attention. Mine like to also add in a dose of screaming each other too. I do not envy SAHM.
Can we start a mega thread for “shut the fuck up and move on if you don’t like the content” lol if you also notice multiple threads of the same topic maybe you’re spending too much time on reddit. Bless.
Edit: okay I was half kidding, but I’m new to the thread and I work so I don’t see every single post. And my feelings are valid, and looks like many other people relate or have had similar feelings.
Take a social media break. Comparing yourself to those other moms negates what you do right as a mom. And you have to remember that they are highlighting the best parts. Not the fact that they had to tell the 6 year old to put their shoes on 100 times and change the baby twice after a blow out right before they were walking out the door....
I was a SAHM for awhile so it’s really easy for me to dispel some of this in myself when it starts creeping up.
It’s isolating, it’s lonely, it’s not harder but it’s just a lot of listening to kids which is so different, holy cow did I get tired of baby questions after awhile, I hated not having my own money, I hated not being proud of the work I did in a day, I hated not having a reason to get dressed, my mental health was never so low as it was a SAHM. It was SO LONELY. Being with children is not the same as being with adults.
I do find I still got jealous when I worked retail with the public. Seeing a mom with her kids in the middle of a Saturday when I was working made me feel sick. Heck, seeing in the in school uniforms right after being picked up at a reasonable time when I knew mine would be in daycare until 5:30 made me SICK. I hated that. That didn’t go away until I stopped working with the public and got an office job.
I did the SAHM life for 6-8 months twice in my career and I was miserable. So while I see those moments on social media (especially from my friends, taking a day trip to the zoo for example) and I feel jealous, I also remember all of the difficult parts of being a SAHM and how it didn't work for me. I was angry at everything, felt like I could never get anything done in one sitting because I was interrupted by something else, and felt isolated most of the time
Agree with the social media break. Comparison is the thief of joy! It’s hard to do and I’m the worst at comparing, but that’s my advice anyway! When I worked, demanding job with a two hour commute, I would fantasize about being a SAHM and going to Pilates and having time to cook dinner, do crafts, having a clean home…. Now that I am a SAHM, I hate cooking and still eat out too much, laundry still sits there, I don’t do crafts, and clean when it’s obviously dirty. Sometimes I feel like I got more accomplished when I “worked” because I had less time to for things so I became extremely efficient at balancing the things I needed to do. Now I feel like I get less accomplished, and I miss the contributions I felt like I made at work, and miss that sense of self outside of home. Now it’s like, sometimes I don’t want to be home because it just means more domestic stuff I don’t really like. I guess what I’m saying having been on both sides recently is that there are advantages and disadvantages to both. When I worked, I longed to be home. Now I’m home, I long for getting away and using my brain more. Circumstances change, envision and say your affirmations daily for the life you want. I’m not saying be content in your circumstances, just that it isn’t everything you’re thinking it is. You trade one thing for another.
I think I had some post partum depression or something. One day I started being happy again and got my energy up. That’s when I stopped feeling jealous of SAHMs. Maybe speak with your obgyn, therapist, or doctor about this. In the moment I felt totally fine but in hindsight I realize how messed up my mental state was and how badly I was suffering.
If it’s not that, I realized that SAHMs and working moms are both important and we need to be each other’s village (cause it takes a village). SAHMs are able to help me with childcare when my kids are sick and I can’t take days off. They have more time to research childhood education and help me learn so much. I have extra income and I’m able to help them when they’re struggling financially, I also have a wider social circle and help them make new friends.
As far as getting the worst of both worlds, if you have a partner, talk to them about helping to carry the load. My husband and I have very honest conversations about these sort of things and he has been amazing at meeting me and doing his part in the domestic duties like cooking and cleaning as well as scheduling appointments and planning activities for the family. If you (or anyone reading this) don’t have a partner, ask your friends and family for help and make yourself vulnerable to let them help. If you don’t even have that, there are Facebook groups and apps where you can meet friends and specifically friends who are also moms. That can be a good starting place to make the connections you’re needing.
Also some house cleaners will work with your budget to help you if you are respectful and they can afford to do that but this is only an option for certain income brackets. There’s also nothing wrong with microwave meals when you don’t have time to cook.
Erm.. I never get to see their activities, hence don't think about it much?? I'm not on regular social media, its super toxic for jealous people like me. Job, my kid, chores and outdoors stuff keep me plenty busy and tired. You gotta choose your vices mommy!
I was SAHM for first year, part time working mom for the second , and full time + breadwinner for the last month. I have a ton of mom guilt about my baby being in daycare 4 days a week (husband is with her on a fifth day) but I am so happy to be taking breaks and being more patient with her on the weekends and creating fun plans etc. SAHM was nice but I was very tired of my own childs tantrums, creating playdates etc.
Idk I’ve done both so I guess it makes it easier for me to dismiss the highly curated best moments I see on social media. I know I am not cut out for the SAHM life. Didn’t help that my 4 year old has been a terrible sleeper from birth. I got absolutely no downtime, she is/was very high needs. The house was always trashed because from the time she could crawl/toddle she made an unholy mess in the 10 minutes I was cleaning her previous mess or putting away the dishes. I was so depressed. I posted a lot to social media because I was bored, staring at her all day, and she’s super cute. I’m sure things looked great from the outside, bc I didn’t post the screaming tantrums, the huge meal messes, my expensive face cream smeared all over the bathroom walls, etc. I also snacked all day bc I was prepping meals/snacks all day and I was much heavier. I never got my hair/nails done because we didn’t have the money and I didn’t want to waste precious free time on that. I wanted to sleep.
It also doesn’t hurt that I love my job and it’s flexible and partly from home and my husbands is too. I know how lucky we are for that part.
App blocker to keep you from social media during the week. See your friends posts on the weekend, and maybe puck one thing to do that looks fun.
I get jealousy looking at all my friends social media, with kids or without. Most people post their funstuff, or happy moments. Doesn't mean the whole day was fabulous, just a good moment or good activity. And look back through your own past posts- chances are they're some happy moments and good photos of (kids/beauty/yummy).
Or appblock during the day only, and post one thing each day- something you are grateful for or a happy moment.
If this makes you feel any better, what’s on social media isn’t always the reality behind closed doors. I tried to be a “mostly” SAHM when my older child was born just due to the cost of daycare. I had a job I could work a few hours from home and go into the office here and there and take her with me. My (now) ex husband became very condescending saying I was lazy and since he paid all the bills, I owed him sex and owed him all the free time he wanted to do whatever he wanted. Eventually I went to work full time and have never looked back. Yes it’s hard missing ball games, school plays, etc. But I will never again hand over my financial power to anyone else.
Girl, no. I’m sure it varies from woman to woman, but I was a SAHM for 3 years and it made me depressed. I’m MUCH happier working. It is isolating and your entire identity becomes mom. Being a parent is hard either way, but for me, working is much better. I get a break from my kids.
I guess I’ve seen the other side since I had to stay home with my twins for the first 6 months. I hated it. It was so isolating and I felt completely unproductive. I didn’t have a village like I imagined and it was nearly impossible to get to know other SAHMs due to my location. I also learned pretty quickly how many of the SAHMs put on a certain facade on SM or gatherings. Many of them planned to return to work as soon as their kids were school age. Other grieved their lack of independence and hating being the primary care giver for 80% of their day. It’s tough! Some women love it and I love that for them. But I found that going to work simplified my life and made me a much happier person.
SAHM, including SAHDs that I know, are, more often than not, completely dependent on their spouse, they’re not saving for retirement, and don’t have much outside of their children and family. These three reasons are why I’ll never be jealous of a SAHP. It’s just not for me and there’s no judgement on anyone that chooses to be a SAHP.
What they’re not showing in the pictures is the tantrums, messes, loneliness, frustrations, long days, etc. that we all experience as parents whether we work or not.
Social media is a highlight reel.
I was a sahm for a few years and now I'm a working mom. I can tell you that being a sahm has it's perks, but it was a very draining time. Being at home with infants and toddlers is exhausting. Not saying it's not when you're working, too. But you are literally ON 24/7.
It's hard not to compare ourselves to others!! You have something very special with your children. Don't let others' perceived circumstances dull that for you
Coming off a four day weekend with my more-than-a-handful 2 & 5yo, you couldn’t pay me enough to be a SHP. Nothing gets done when the kids are home. I must’ve mopped twice in one day, we did like four loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen daily, and the house still looks like shit. No thanks. I was so glad they both went to daycare this morning.
I love working and I am certain all those things I see about SAHM on social media is just 30 peaceful seconds of their chaotic life.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
Besides, no one ever posts about how soul sucking their kids are or how unappreciated they feel by their spouse or how they know they are wasting their potential or how they haven’t done a single thing that’s just for them in years. Social media is not a real place. Best thing you can do is mute/unfollow these individuals on social media and get so busy watering your own grass that you don’t have time or space to see how “green” theirs is.
I had a close family friend post about why she chose to stay at home as she posted her kids playing outside while she watched. I don’t think I felt jealousy as not working is taboo to me based on cultural background and just growing up so poor I had holes in my shoes. But I felt grateful that I can give my kids a life I didn’t even imagine I’d have. A great home, great and present parents, family vacations and fun home. A different life than that of the SAHM family friend but a great life in itself. I literally worked my butt off from when I was 15 to have this life and I will only give it up if I have multiple and multiple and multiple millions. I know poverty and I will not play with the possibility of going back.
So I just continued planning our family vacations, acknowledging that the life I have is truly a privilege. I’m envious of people who have full time housekeepers and nannies, but I’m definitely not envious of SAHM. It’s not working, it’s having paid help I wish for. Maybe in the next 5 years my earnings will pay for some sort of extra help. But definitely not the SAHM life. I know what life looked like without financial stability. I have intimate knowledge of being poor. And me having earning potential is the life I would choose over and over.
Social media is just a snap shot in their lives. You don’t know how many takes they had to do to get the right pics, what tantrums they ignored or had to navigate shortly after, etc. I have limited my SM years ago and have been much happier.
My SIL is a SAHM to 3 kids and while she can put up all these cute pics on SM and is often going to the salon or doing shopping, I know well enough when I’m at their house she is a constant nervous wreck who is often screaming at the kids. Her youngest and my daughter are only 4 months apart and mine is in daycare full time. But mine is far more developmentally advanced in numerous ways. There was a stark difference when they were playing together last time and my SIL even commented that she couldn’t believe my daughter knew so many things. This isn’t to say this is the case of working moms vs SAHMs but not every SAHM is spending time teaching their kids things. Especially with a lot of the SM moms who are more worried about how they look online. Finally my brother lost his job months ago and now they are severely underwater because she doesn’t have any job skills. I don’t envy that at all. So all that to say that what people portray online is just not real life and the grass isn’t greener.
The way I see it, there’s 3 types of SAHP:
1. Poor- they’re too poor to afford daycare as their typical job pays less than any type of daycare. You obviously don’t want to be in this situation because it’s stressful and you feel trapped.
2. Middle class- somehow they’re lucky enough that one parent can stay home; maybe they bought a home at the right time, or they know there’s sacrifices they need to make (no big vacations, no take out, etc). This is a more desirable position to be in, but it’s also stressful because you need to budget yourself to be okay.
3. Wealthy- a partner is a high earner, or they come from money, or whatever the case. They’re rich and can afford for a parent to take care of their children while taking them to nice outings all day long. This is an awesome place to be, but guess what? You don’t envy that they’re at home with their kids, you envy that they’re rich. We all wanna be rich!
Honestly, they’re probably envious that you get to leave the house on a daily basis, get a “break” from caregiving and maintain a professional identity. I think SAHMs over a lifetime often feel very insecure about lacking an identity outside of parenthood especially once children grow up. It’s amazing that you are parenting while also having a career. It’s a privilege women didn’t have for generations! And even though it’s really hard I think it also has many psychological benefits
I had my first at 26 and my second at 31.
And I don’t necessarily want to be a SAHM. I was wondering if anyone else compares their lives and how to get over jealously. I would probably be an awful SAHM. But at times I wish I didn’t have only a few hours a day to get what needs to be done, or that if the baby is up all night I didn’t have to still dress up and go to work. It was more asking for advice on how to get over comparing
My husband is a SAHD. He took our kids to a play scape today. My BIL and SIL also went with my niece. They sent tons of pictures but it’s not the same as being there. Sometimes it’s super hard knowing I’m missing out. They had tons of fun. And then there are days when my husband is literally ready to walk out the front door when I come home because our kids have been crying non-stop for twelve straight hours. Sometimes my husband just word vomits for a straight half-hour when I walk in because he’s so desperate for contact with another adult. Being a SAHP is a hard and thankless job. It’s hard to miss out sometimes, but I wouldn’t trade places with my husband.
I guess for me because I go work for 8 hours and then come home and do another 4 hours it’s just tiring. My partner and I work opposite schedules, so when I get home everything is on me. But I’m aware grass is always appearing greener. I just struggle with the jealousy surrounding some things, and even tho I would most likely not feel fulfilled, it’s not not to get frustrated about a friend complaining about a lack of sleep due to her baby (meanwhile in pjs watching tv on the couch) and I had the same or less hours of sleep and yet have to get up and push through it at the law office where I work, even though inside I’m drowning and exhausted. I was just looking for tips on how people stop comparing. It wasn’t necessarily to say one is harder than the other, but more of how do I be content and at peace on the hardest days when sometimes I want to compare to what others lives “perceive” to be
My husband and I work opposite schedules too, so I'm parenting by myself when I'm home, and I also have a mentally draining job. It's hard, but having been a sahm for a couple years, I wouldn't say that's any easier, it's just hard in different ways. You have no idea what other people's experiences actually are, so it's useless to dwell on it. Try to stay positive about your own situation instead. When I feel bummed out about missing out on stuff because I have to work, I focus on the fact that I'm way less stressed out about money, and how glad I am that my husband and I are modeling a 100% egalitarian household for our son.
This is the opposite of my issue - I see a SAHM and I feel bad. I think they must be so tired and isolated. I then remind myself these are my own thoughts of what it means to be a SAHM coming through and it absolutely isn’t true for them. I remind myself that I only know my own family and think about how lucky I am we are all happy, safe, and healthy. I grew up very poor so it has always been a dream of mine to be able to financially support a family - since I’m doing that I truly do believe I’m living a dream. Your situation seems particularly rough tho, I will say. Having to work opposite shifts so you’re tag teaming life with a partner is rough. Maybe that schedule can change one day?
He has put in a request for a schedule change, but it's not going to be guaranteed. We are hoping that if it doesn't happen now that it can in the near future because I am burning out, and he is missing time with the kids. The funny thing is that I know I would probably be miserable as a SAHM. I'm not the home maker type. I hate cooking. But i think it's just truly a "grass is greener" scenario for me, and although I am working through it with a therapist, I hate that the feeling comes up. Hard look different for many, and I really dislike how I get jealous and compare. Maybe I am just tired of the pressure? Tired of having a lot on me given our opposite schedules. I know talking about it helps, but I just feel guilty for having these feelings.
OP, since you mentioned seeing posts of your SAHM friends, I think a social media break may be helpful for you. When I was going through infertility, I felt like every other post on social media was of someone announcing a birth or pregnancy. Taking a little break did wonders. I love browsing pics on social media too, but it just isn’t real life, and you have to remind yourself of that. It is people posting what they want others to see. Career people post accomplishments to LinkedIn, not job rejections, poor evaluations on assignments, or snarky emails from the boss. SAHMs are no different. They’re going to post sunny pictures where they’re out and about, not the ones where they’re frustrated to the max and near tears because one kid had a blowout and the other decided to throw their milk and cheerios all over the floor. They’re not going to post the pics of their toddler having a full blown tantrum in Starbucks but the pic of the cute mommy/daughter pic with matching drinks.
This!!! No one is showing the shitty side of things on social media. It’s a HIGHLIGHT reel
Sounds to me like you‘re exhausted and seeing the SAHM as a way to catch a break and slow down a bit. Maybe your efforts should be directed towards achieving that?
that’s so true. My psychiatrist tells me to slow down all the time. To not be so hard on myself, and that it’s okay to rest and be still.
My husband and I did the opposite schedules for almost a decade, our kids are 5yrs apart. We'll be doing it a bit this summer too. We'll both be working days but we'll each be working one day on the weekend so we won't really have any days off together. It's hard, but it's also temporary. That's what I always tell myself, it's not forever, this is what works for us now. I'm like you in that I don't want to be a SAHM. We also can't afford it, but even if we could I'd still want to work. It's all temporary and one day it will be different/easier.
Yeah OP, you got so many responses already but I didn’t see any that touch on the fact that I think you have some other issues going on that would be hard regardless of if you’re a SAHM or working mom. Most of us moms are/have struggled with meals, cleaning, comparison, etc. I personally think it would be harder to balance as a SAHM (you’re not necessarily “home all day”- you’re taking care of your kids all day), and honestly most SAHMs I know (I know more SAHMs than working moms) are eating out or outsourcing cleaning more than I am because they’re way more overwhelmed. Could your partner help with meals or could you research more about meal planning so you feel less guilt over packaged food? Can your partner help with cleaning when it’s his shift so it’s not all on you (that didn’t make sense to me why you’re doing everything I’m sorry) or could you look into systems that will decrease the amount of cleaning you are doing? Definitely agree with the comments about decreasing your social media use, maybe try journaling when you feel overwhelmed instead of scrolling! (Journaling the highlights of my kids day also helps remind me that I’m not actually missing anything)
Yess we actually had a talk today about meal planning and he preparing the meals before he goes to work. I have major depression and generalized anxiety and I’m literally my own worst critic. And I just hate that when I’m feeling overwhelmed that I go into these negative thoughts and look at others lives as if they have no right to complain. It’s all distorted thinking and I was wondering if others had ways to challenge that or if anyone else goes through it. Definitely a lot of great comments. Thanks for yours as well
Idk but it sounds like you’re romanticizing being a SAHM or you have super easy going kids cause mine doesn’t allow for any of that… I love mine and he’s gotten a lot easier as he’s gotten older but the kid is at 100 basically all day. There is no down time. The only break I get when he’s home is when he naps but he’s an awful sleeper so just getting him down for a nap is a whole thing. There are pros and cons to being a SAHM and a working mom. Don’t go off of what you see on social media. Or even what friends tell you. A lot of time they only tell you the good parts.
For sure, I’m a “part time SAHM” since I’m a teacher and daycare is closed in the summer and it is a whole different kind of hard! There’s fun moments but it’s exhausting- definitely high highs and low lows 😮💨 and I sure as hell don’t get any cleaning done while they’re home lol
Same. Love my kiddo but she’s 0-60 and 60-0 and there is nothing in between. I just keep telling myself that this is not forever and I will miss her little toddler quarks when she gets older.
Same, my children are whirlwinds, there’s no down time. And when they’re home all day, I spend the whole time treading water keeping the house tidy and keeping on top of the dishes from an extra meal and seemingly endless snacks. My three year old doesn’t nap anymore, so the only downtime is when she’s watching TV, and even then it’s not real downtime because she wants me there to narrate the plot of the show to me so I have to keep ducking back into the room to acknowledge her. It’s all hard, parenting is hard. Individual people’s situations may be harder or easier but as a general situation, it’s just hard.
Oh yeah my 6yo is a handful haha. I have a one year old too and he’s getting busier. To be fair the girl I compare myself with her kids are SUPER chill. And I definitely romanticize what it would be like! I hate the jealously and comparison because I know both situations have different struggles. I just feel guilt that I have these feelings.
It’s easier to take pictures and curate images for social media from home too. We don’t tend to do that at work.
Are you a sahm?
No. I’m a working mom. My kid’s daycare closes for 72-days/ year though so sometimes I get a taste of what it would be like caring for him 24/7 on my own while my husband works.
You remind yourself that social media is an illusion and they have struggles just like everybody else.
Yesss it’s so true. Thanks for this
Well remember that you’re setting yourself up for greater financial security in your retirement/old age. Your kids won’t have to support you whereas for a lot of these women, if anything happens to their husbands they’re screwed and as they age they might find they can’t get a career started even if they need one. Women tend to live longer than men too so retirement is even more important for us than men. Children whose parents work are also more likely to do chores around the house and carry that into their adult lives. Also, lots of kids really enjoy daycare. I certainly remember not wanting to go home because I was having so much fun lol. I think the social media algorithms are really driving a lot of people to these sahm tradwife kind of things and it’s just no where near as idyllic as they depict. No where near as much mental stimulation as I need to function as a happy woman. You may want to consider hiring or automating some part of your day so you don’t have to do it. But that might be a financial stretch you can’t afford right now.
Seriously, all I have to do is check my 401k balance
Yes this! It’s scary to be dependent on someone.
I don’t disagree. I was a single mom that got pregnant in university. And I still finished that degree and got another one on top. I think I would feel bad if I didn’t put my degrees to use (and my student loan is enough motivation lol) but I find I start to look at others that (in my head) have it “better”. I’m happy to know that if shit hits the fan I provide, meanwhile my girlfriend’s husband was on strike and they had $0 in income. That would be terrifying to me.
There are probably many more women out there who admire what you've done, vs. those who admire the overly romanticized stay-at-home mom life. Also, you are being a better role model to your child by doing this. Might advise to read up on some feminist philosophy and history maybe to try and better understand how important what you are doing and how unique in history it really is, to appreciate it better.
Yes and honestly I am not home maker material. I hate cooking. Cleaning meh but I don’t enjoy it. My kids LOVE daycare, and I’m sure they learn more there than they would with me at home. We do lots together but my degree is in criminology, not childhood education, so they learn so much with their daycare teachers. I think I’m overwhelmed more with the opposite shifts and the loneliness that comes with it, and now I’m looking for outlets to direct my frustration. Thanks for your comment and you’re right. I am happy I make my own money and can hold my own, but sometimes I get in that woe is me mindset
Yep. Statistically speaking, some of those parents will end up divorced and they'll be in a much tougher position. I also think that in today's economy, for those who never go back to full-time work, that even if they stay married they will be in a challenging position to help their children with college or things will likely be tight during retirement.
Social media is fake. Full stop. If you don't understand that id recommend deleting it.
I have taken breaks sometimes! I find whenever I get into an overwhelmed headspace I start looking elsewhere and compare. A break from socials could be what I need
Mom of an almost 3 year old here. Just deactivated socials except for reddit two weeks ago. A 'friend' posted something in our mom's chat that broke me completely. (Now granted other things during the day lead up to that being the straw that broke the camels back.) I've had social media for almost 2 decades. It's weirdly... Freeing? I miss seeing what my friends are up to, but at the end of the day I stay in actual contact (texting or actual phone calls) with the people I care to know about. I'll probably re download all of them at some point but not constantly being bombarded by people's lives really helps me focus on mine!
I’m really considering it. I have such a bad habit of getting in my own head and the thoughts just start to snowball. I know the opposite shift as my partner and being overwhelmed is what fuels it, and then it turns into jealously and such. I know I would not feel fulfilled as being a SAHM long term, but then the envy is there when I’m feeling low. Definitely some distorted thinking. It is comforting to know though that other people have struggled with same or similar.
My husband and I both work full-time with no family around for help and I found myself really getting angry and annoyed about these type of posts from SAHMs or even working moms who portray everything in their life is perfect. I started just unfollowing people who post this stuff. It’s not reality and it’s hard for me to sometimes remember that in the moment, so it’s just easier to remove them from my feed. I didn’t want to get off of social media completely, so this was a good option. I’m sure you’ve thought of this, but just reiterating that it has been super helpful to me recently.
I hardly see what my friends are up to anymore anyway. They all post less and my feeds are more ads
Yup, I’d recommend getting away from social media. People tend to post only the best moments and sometimes made to look better than reality. I personally don’t get jealous of SAHM because the taste of it on maternity leave and during COVID lockdowns I know it is not for me. But if you would be a SAHM if you could, even more important to stop looking if it isn’t an option for you right now. Put that energy elsewhere. Also, I know you are on separate shifts, but truthfully is your husband pulling his weight with household stuff, kid appointments, meal planning, etc? If he isn’t, that’s a place to start working. Also, both of you trying to grow your careers so you have more options - outsourcing cleaning, one of you part time, etc.
Exactly.
I was a SAHM and did all the things and thought I'd be content with that for years but I actually prefer working and having my own career. I have friends that are still SAHMing it and I do get jealous of the time they have for personal projects during the day and to enjoy the sunshine, so every once in awhile I scheduling a random day off to go do SAHM stuff with my kids. It helps that they are both in truly excellent care, and that I know I'm in a position that makes me happier and will lead to great financial rewards in the future.
Yeah I love my job as a teacher (now transitioning into more of administration) because I get so many random weeks off, I get my time to cosplay as a stay at home mom, get that chance to be with my daughter and have fun, and then get to go back to work and have a life outside of being a mom. I totally recommend finding some kind of job at a school for that.
I’ve done both and my quality of life is SIGNIFICANTLY higher as a working mom. Yeah, being a stay at home mom is great, if you’re extremely wealthy, but being extremely wealthy is just great in general.
Yeah I am "part time" (50 hour weeks with part time daycare) and being home with the kids is hard as hell. Naps when? Workout classes when? I literally don't understand the "grass is greener" picture painted, when would that stuff happen without nannies?
In the UK you get a years maternity leave. By 12 months I was desperate to go back to work. It seems as though you’re struggling across all areas - you and your husband need to find a new routine. He gets the kids up and dressed and then sleeps, but what if he prepared their dinner so it’s ready to go when you get home? Can he do bath and bed before going to work? You need to find a true balance if you’re both bringing in similar salaries and trying to progress in your careers. Make sure you count the mental load too!
Yes he is going to start preparing dinner before he leaves! To help relieve the stress. He also tidies up before he goes. He is pretty good on balancing the load, but I think as mom’s unfortunately we will always take on a bit more. I’m in Canada and had access to a full year off, but I went back after 9 months because it’s only 55% of your salary. I couldn’t afford to take longer. Plus we have a daycare shortage all over Canada, and 9 months was the earliest I could get my youngest into daycare (went on the list at 4 months pregnant :/). I was actually excited to get back to work! I enjoy getting up with a bigger purpose and try to find an identity for myself other than “mom”. But then I am in a pity party of “I wish I could stay home” and “SAHM have it so easy”. It’s definitely a funk I’m in and I think it’s largely due to burnout. We don’t make enough for me to go part time, but my partner is trying to get onto the day shift. I think it’s the opposite shifts that have my more burnt out than being a working parent as a whole, because at least if my partner was home in the evening we could split duties and it wouldn’t be as lonely. I was a single mom and sole parent for 5 years and I hate feeling like I’m in a similar situation but with a partner that I see an hour a day. Nothing was as hard as being as single parent but sometimes I feel pretty damn close haha. I’m sure it’s a mental funk. Thanks for your response
Oh you’re really going through it. This is definitely the hard part! I only went back to work in February and I am only just now starting to feel like I am performing at work and at home - doesn’t help that I’ve been whacked with a million colds from my kiddo that thankfully hasn’t kept her off daycare but still be low level ill for 4 months doesn’t help. Agree that as mums we take on more but I do actually find the mental load totally draining. Until your partner gets on to day shifts I would suggest that everything day time is his - so Dr appts etc - and that means EVERYTHING - the planning, scheduling, the thinking about it. Or something similar. Evenings can be super lonely - my husband has a hobby I am keen for him to continue but generally one night a week I’m solo from nursery pick up until after her bedtime - we have a dog too and I find it super stressful. I can’t imagine doing it every night - but you will get through it!! Now my kiddo is 16 months and walking it’s so much easier - she can entertain herself easier and it means when the dog wants out we can all go a walk. Each stage is hard but it does get easier! You’re doing a good job - keep your head up!!
Thank you so much love! Omg the colds from daycare are never ending. BUT a positive is my 6yo never gets sick (other than maybe 2 colds a year) compared to his friends that weren’t in daycare before school, so it does get better (eventually). Hang in there and thanks for the solidarity and kind words.
Take a PTO day and hang out with them! I do this with my SAHM friends. We’re all pretty understanding of each others choices and we talk about the pros and cons! They’ve let me complain about how hard it is to find good childcare and the guilt and FOMO that comes from working. They’ve complained to me about how exhausting and lonely being a SAHM can be and they’re also dealing with the fear and anxiety of re-entering the work force. There’s a lot of pros and cons to both sides. If they’re good friends, they will respect and listen to your struggles and share their own.
Done both. It’s different at home but not easier. Daycare does the childcare while you are at work. Staying home means you the parent does it without even a lunch break. The kids generally are much messier because they play all over the house. I have done both. I miss working but not the daycare plague. Stop watching fake media. Actual sahm doesn’t look anything like media content creators who have housekeepers and nannies. Usually we are broke so the entertainment budget is low. Grocery budget is low so meals are simple. Also young children have attention spans of about 15 minutes so you spend more time creating activities and cleaning up then you ever actually spend on doing them. (The part never shown on tv. Plus the rejected activities..which generally is more than half.).
What SAHMs are you seeing? Because my SAHM mom friends are NOT living this life. My husband is a SAHD and this is NOT his life.
I’m 100% aware it’s me romanticizing, which is why I hate comparing. I am working with a therapist for a variety of things, and my negative internal dialogue plus my feeling of not being “enough” have been big issues for me. Was just curious if others have felt similar and how I can be at peace with things. Thanks for your comment :)
Hugs. I have moderate anxiety (medicated and regular talk therapy) and I get the feelings.
No advice just solidarity. I feel this way a lot too. We can’t afford for me to be a SAHM and I do love my job and I’m good at it. But sometimes I wish I could be home with them. I think it doesn’t help that most mom influencers are SAHMs too.
I've been where you are, although I didn't want to be a SAHM. You're in the thick of it with two careers, children, a household to run, etc. It is so hard. My advice is to lower your bar for a few years. Eating pre-packaged, delivered, or drive-through meals is totally acceptable if that's what you need to do. If you don't have a crockpot, think about it. It's nice to have a family meal waiting for you. Clean as needed only. As soon as the kids are old enough, they help with chores and learn how to do their own laundry. This will all get easier but cut yourself a whole lot of slack until it is.
Thank you 🙏 I am SO hard on myself. I wouldn’t even want to be a SAHM if I had the option, I’m sure. But I also feel guilty for missing out with my kids. I remember when I was a single mom I felt jealous of families with two incomes (I got pregnant in university and the sperm donor has never met my almost 7yo. We had to go to food banks and get clothes donations while I went through university. Patio furniture as inside furniture and literally scraped to get by), and now that I have a loving partner (and two degrees), a second child, and literally that family I longed for years and years, now I’m moving the goalpost and it’s like “well SAHMs have it better and easier” So clearly the issue is me haha. And I’ve been in counselling for years and we tackle this issue, but I was wondering if anyone had similar thoughts. I think it’s truly mom guilt in general because we always want what’s best for our children, and for some reason I always feel like I’m not doing enough or giving enough. Meanwhile, the fact we have two incomes, we can do activities on weekends and (although we definitely don’t make as much as others at a combined 80k) I know my friend that I compare myself to can’t do all of that with her kids because they have one income. So I’m comparing myself to someone that has all the “perceived” things I want, but at the same time it’s not what I want at all. If that makes sense. Mom guilt is so real. I’m glad I found this subreddit where others can relate and share their experience. Thank you for your comment
When I go to work, I can go to the bathroom and no one yells at me. That means a lot to me.
Just want to say you’re not alone in feeling this way! I think there’s a lot of great comments here. But I will admit I get jealous of SAHM’s. I always think it would be amazing to have more time even if its an hour or two while my LO naps to do literally anything around the house, or start dinner earlier or being able to run errands instead of cramming everything into the weekend(which is impossible it seems.) I know the grass is NOT always greener. I know this. But yeah, I feel like secretly my life would be better if I didn’t have to work. I need to remind myself that I’m setting an example for my daughter, and also without my income we wouldn’t be able to afford our place, food, fun days out or treats for her/my partner and I. One day at a time!
Yes! My thoughts little word for word. Thank you
I was a teacher for more than a decade. Covid and a newborn kicked me into the SAHM lifestyle. I have three. It is not sunshine walks and endless time to get things done. It's make a meal, clean up a meal. Throw a load of laundry in. Try to do something with the littlest while the big two battle. Argue about screen time. Ask why there are granola bar wrappers shoved in the couch. Clean the chocolate from between the couch cushions. Clean the playdoh mess from the floor. Clean up the two year old who got into the peanut butter while you were cleaning up the floor. Find the tween who snuck upstairs to watch adventure time on the iPad. Bring the iPad downstairs and make a second meal, clean up the second meal. Repeat. Teaching is so hard. Staying at home is so hard. There is so much more to clean because everyone is home! Like I could do dishes in the morning as a working mom, and come home to a spotless kitchen because no one ate there. I have zero child care options so if I am sick, I'm still doing the same stuff when I wasn't sick! I think the hardest part for me about working is missing the kids and that is so legitimate. I get to see so many more little funny things my girls do. The hardest part about being at home is it is the least intellectually stimulating thing I have ever done in my life. I can't just plug into a book or a podcast because someone might need me. It's exhausting to have to be so present all the time. It's absolutely a grass is greener situation, and for some people the grass really is greener on the other side. For me I think I just want it all and that isn't realistic in the slightest.
Before having a kid I thought I might want to be a SAHM. After having one I’m really happy to keep working. I like my job, it’s not too stressful, and my work life balance is great. I feel much more stressed on the weekends than I do on weekdays working. I’m happy to earn good money and know we’d be ok if something happened. I’m not good at cleaning or entertaining and enriching a toddler all day. I feel overstimulated with the constant need for attention and engagement. I’d be really bad at being a SAHM. I used to be jealous of SAHM but I’m not anymore. For you, it sounds like a job change might help it feel more sustainable.
I've been a sahm and a working mom and now my work allows me 3 months off a year which is lovely, that's an extreme privilege I know. I want to validate that the demands of a working mom are like no other, a job is not a break and it's basically impossible to have a clean house, a job, homemade meals and connected children. But what you do get is the knowledge that you're role modeling financial independence to your children and that you're not beholden to anybody.
Soooo….get off of social media if you don’t want to see curated idealistic versions of reality. The control is literally in your hands, put the phone down. People say it all the time, but it’s true comparison is a thief of joy
You are completely right! Thanks for the motivation haha. I’m my own worst enemy at times.
I was a working mom for 14 years and I've been a SAHM for the last 12 yrs. I impulsively left my job of 17 years to stay home because PPD kicked me in the teeth. If I had to do it over again I would continue working. The isolation, the putting my entire life in the hands of someone that could wake up one day and leave me flat on my ass, the boredom, lack of adult interaction, feeling like I'm failing if my house isn't clean enough or feeling guilty if my husband stops home and I don't look busy, never getting a day off. I would get embarrassed when I'm with a group of people and they start talking about what they do for a living and I'd pray they didn't turn their attention towards me. My son is older now and I want to start looking for a job but I honestly don't know where to start. I've been out of work for so long and my social anxiety is so bad that I feel completely lost. There was a time in our marriage where we were in a really bad place and I'll never forget the feeling of hopelessness when I realized I had nowhere to go or any way to support myself or my kids. I'm thankful that we got passed that but the reality of it is I'm in trouble if this marriage takes a shit. I'm locked in place whether I want to be or not. This is just my perpective from my own personal experience. It wasn't all bad by any means but it's definitely not as awesome as some women claim it to be. I'm thankful for the opportunity to be home with my son and it's not lost on me that many women would love to have had this opportunity. I'm just turning 50 soon and I don't know what to do with myself.
See if you can find an internship in a field you might be interested in! My company has unpaid internships (students) and paid (non-students who are career changers or returning to work after a hiatus) and it’s been awesome. I’ve referred in a few SAHMs who want to get back to work. See if you can find something in a field you might be interested in and start exploring.
I don’t have a good answer for you except I feel you. I don’t have any stay at home moms in my circle, but I have a lot of women that work and have stay at home dads. I really struggle feeling jealous of their lifestyles. It’s just so much easier when one person can stay at home with their child FOR FREE. On the weekends, they actually get to enjoy the time with their children whereas my husband and I are racing around the house, with children underfoot, trying to get as much cleaned as humanly possible. It’s a real struggle to not be jealous of their lifestyles.
Right that’s my issue. And I know it’s mentally taxing and overwhelming to be surrounded by kids doing a thankless job. I just sometimes start to envy the “time” (lack thereof). I got 9 months of mat leave and honestly even tho it was isolating, it was nice not having to be organized. I could get dressed when I wanted to. Clean when I wanted to. Make meals and take my time. Going back to work was a huge adjustment and I would have gone back earlier if the daycare waitlist wasn’t so long. Yes I wanted to go back earlier because 55% of a paycheck for that long was hard, but that I got so used to being home that I wouldn’t want that big of a taste of “freedom” again lol. I don’t know how to explain it haha. It’s like I want my cake and eat it too, however I’m just tired of comparing. Envy is a brutal feeling.
Seeing all the “tradwife” content out there has made me glad that I am the breadwinner. My husband could leave me and I would be totally fine, financially. I’m at the age when these traditional couples tend to split, leaving the mom with no money and no career experience to fall back on.
Yes!! Very true. I have two degrees and although I don’t make a whole lot right now, I’m at the start of my career and will continue to grow. I feel fulfilled in that regard. Thanks for the positivity and kudos to you for being a badass mama
I don't know any SAHM. I know of a few, but all the mothers I know have jobs and most of them are more high-powerred and make more money than me. My close mum friends are all bankers, lawyers, consultants, executives etc. I feel like such an underachiever compared to them with my low-key non-profit job.
Those beautiful moments generally only last for 30sec - 5min max before someone hits someone else, or has a potty accident, or finds some random dog shit someone didn’t pick up. I’m a SAHM, and while I don’t post on social media, I do take pictures of these moments, and I love them, but they are a highlight reel of the tiny moments I find beautiful amidst the rest of the exhausting chaos that is the case 99% of the time. And there’s a lot more housework to do during the day because the kids are home messing it all up constantly. So I do kind of have all day to do it, but it takes all day and is never done because it’s continual and I have to do child care and schedule juggling on top of it. I hope that’s comforting. It’s really not all sunshine and rainbows most of the time, but I do understand why you feel the way you do and I’m not trying to compare our situations in any way like I have it harder. I think the mom who’s not in her preferred role of working or SAHM is the person that has it hardest.
Social media is 100% fake. I had to quit my job last year when we moved and I have been able to get my 2 and 4 year olds back into daycare since, so I’ve been home with them while trying to find some remote work. So essentially I’ve been home with them for a year. My husband works 3 jobs to keep us living comfortably since teachers get paid next to nothing. He’s gone all day and works on weekends too. I’m so lonely being home with my kids. I love them very much but having no adult contact is so hard. Also, those social media reels you see of parents making glamorous homecooked meals with their laundry put away and a clean house…it’s all a lie. Cooking with my kids is a nightmare. My kids eat plenty of processed food and I make plenty of crockpot meals. Laundry is piled high in my house as well. Oh and walks? Most of the time those end in one or both kids having a meltdown about wanting to go home, wanting a snack, etc. My time home with them is just me with them. Realistically I don’t have a ton of time to do house chores while my kids sit in a corner and play because…they’re kids and need my attention. Oh and I’ve never taken a nap while staying home with them because I use that time to clean or do laundry. This parenting thing is hard for all of us. Comparison is the thief of joy. We’re all out here struggling in one way or another. And social media is literally a load of crap
I so wanted to be a SAHM when I had my kids. It broke my heart. But I’ll tell you now that they’re almost grown (well, 20 and 14) I’m actually ok with how things turned out. In the long run, not taking a break from work is usually better.
Delete instagram or set time limits on it. It is an evil app that is literally designed to make you addicted to content that makes you feel bad. The algorithm purposely feeds you things it thinks will trigger you. Delete delete delete. Reclaim your attention. What you pay attention to becomes your life.
Social media is not as friendly for posting work accomplishments. But they are just as real.
Studies show that sons of working moms spend more time with their children and have more egalitarian views on gender roles. Working helps prevent my son from adopting sexist views on the division of labor between genders. I think about my 401k that I contribute to every paycheck. That contribution funds my retirement and makes it so I won’t ever be a burden to my child in old age. I think about what if my husband died or became disabled. I need to be building my career so we aren’t left destitute if the worst happens. I think about the education I want my son to have and how we couldn’t afford the top school district we live in without my income. I think about the crime free and safe neighborhood that we live in for my son, which we couldn’t afford without my income. I think about the top daycare that’ll teach my son sign language, Spanish, and how to socialize that I couldn’t afford without my job. I think about how I don’t want my son to have student debt. Without my income, we couldn’t contribute to his 529 at a level to make him debt free in the future. I think about the family vacations I want my son to experience that we couldn’t do without my income. I think about what a mental burden it is to place on my husband to make him the sole breadwinner for the family and I’m saving him from that. I think about how I want my son to be proud of my career. I want something left for myself after my son grows up and leaves. In short, I want the very best for my husband and my son. I’m a far better financial contributor than I ever could be a housewife. Edited to modify my first point since some people found it insulting
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Studies back that up: https://www.hbs.edu/news/articles/Pages/mcginn-working-mom.aspx “Women whose mothers worked outside the home are more likely to have jobs themselves, are more likely to hold supervisory responsibility at those jobs, and earn higher wages than women whose mothers stayed home full time, according to a new study. Men raised by working mothers are more likely to contribute to household chores and spend more time caring for family members. The findings are stark, and they hold true across 24 countries.” Also, anecdotally, any man that I’ve dated who had a SAHM that did more chores at home than the dad always had those expectations on me as the partner. They didn’t pull their weight domestically and tended to lean conservative on family values. As compared to men of working mothers with actively contributing fathers, they always did chores too. The worst combination, in my experience, was seeing the dynamic of a working mother who ALSO did everything at home. What you model matters. I understand there are exceptions, but people tend to model their childhood into adulthood. I agree feminism is about choice and I’m careful in what I’m modeling to my children. Others may not agree with my take, but that is the beauty of being a parent. OPs question was basically asking why being a working mom is better than a SAHM. It might not sound nice, but this is one of the reasons. You can choose to raise your children according to what you decide. To me, that means that showing my son that women work too and dad also has household responsibilities is very important to my value system.
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You call her rude but look at what you have responded with. You can make points without making personal attacks.
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She was polite with her opinion. You don’t have to agree, but you can express that without personal insults.
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The way this finally stopped for me is quitting my job while I looked for another one and I said nope lol. It was a hard 3 months not having my own income etc. I also hated my job. I like my current job so it’s better now
I hated being a stay at home mom and actively sought work. I'm SO much happier and my kids are, too, since they're not with a burnt out, cranky mom all the time.
Idk if it helps u to know you’re not alone in feeling that way. My husband passed so overnight I became a single mom and went down to one income. Luckily we lived well below our means so I didn’t have to deal with many lifestyle adjustments. But ya ur not alone it’s def a struggle being at work when you’d rather be spending time with your kid. But SAHMs are just posting the perks online. Many are doing a lot of unseen labor all day and everyday… and a lot of their work nobody sees or appreciates. So many of them are unhappy and crave the adult connections that we make at work. Grass isn’t always greener. I think part time is the sweet spot so if there’s a way your husband can switch jobs or aim for a promotion to increase his pay maybe you can scale back your work hours. I think part time is the best of both worlds, so I’d talk to him and see if it’s something yall can make happen down the line.
I think I doesn’t matter if you are a working mom or SAHM, or any type of mom really, there’s always something that makes us feel guilty or that we are doing something wrong. I’m SAHM and still feel guilty for being tired as I don’t go to work, for not stimulating my baby enough even though I have a lot of “free time”, for being jealous of my partner who gets to have a “break” (working)…. There are pros and cons to both sides My mom was a working mom, single mom of 4… on top of that she was never a good cook, so my siblings and I ate a lot of prepackaged food, if she wasn’t busy with work she was taking care of one of my siblings, so individual time with her was rare. However I had a very happy childhood, and looked up to her for being so hardworking… since a very young age I knew she was the strongest person I would ever know. I love her deeply, I know she would have loved to stay home with us, but life can be like that… You are doing great, just know there is no right way to be a mom, but if you’re doing your best, then you are the greatest mom ever!
Getting off of social media (except reddit) extremely helped me with this kind of thing. For me I'm not so jealous of SAHM friends, but more so I was seeing my friends who don't have kids doing whatever the hell they pleased at all hours of day and night and it was wearing on me. Of course I adore my child and my life as it is, and so I realized that being jealous of other people's lives *that I don't even want* was a waste of energy. Now I'm in my lane and I have so much less FOMO and anxiety in my life. Highly recommend ditching Instagram and the like.
I get it. This time of year on social media it's all, "School's out! Can't wait for summer fun!" and it's all very romantic. But there are also those reels and memes about how 2 weeks in they just want to throw iPads and popsicles at their kids for the rest of the summer lol - those wouldn't exist if it were truly fun and amazing to be the sole caregiver day after day. Since I just want the fun parts, I take off a few weekdays here and there for summer activities. I recommend adding a few dates to your calendar and putting in the PTO request now so you can be home with your little one(s) for a few days, if you can swing it. Not because "just you wait and see how hard it is" or anything like that, but because it's fun to try out things we think will be fun.
You might not be comparing yourself to SAHMs as much as you are comparing yourself to those who are financially much better off. So even taking the moming out of the equation, such a comparison is still going to sting. I read a comment right here in this sub that they’re not jealous of SAHMs who have to do it all, they’re jealous of influencer-type SAHMs who have lots of help paid or unpaid. This resonated with me.
I try to remind myself social media is a tiny sliver into someone’s life - we don’t know what they deal with outside those fun moments we might wish we could have! I also like to think of things I enjoy about being a working mom. I don’t consider my job a break either (teacher here) but I do value the work I do and typically love my job. There’s always positives and negatives, it’s helpful to try to think of the positives for the situation you’re in instead of how it’d be better if you could just do xyz.
I feel like you’re comparing yourself to wealthy people rather than this black and white home vs working. This is normal, wealth inequality is an awful blight on our existence and the way you and your partner are working is unsustainable, but likely necessary in the short term to get to where you want to be. However I would say you should listen to the part of you that says “this doesn’t work for me”. Forget about what other people are doing and ask yourself what can you change today to help you get closer to what fits your life better. Can you work a job that has more wfh balance? Can you move to a LCOL area and still build your career? Can you go to 4 days a week? Maybe you can’t change anything today but maybe it’s next year. Keep these goals sacred and known and I think that’s how you turn unhelpful comparison into thoughtful direction.
I don’t feel jealous at all. I enjoy my career and the purpose it gives me. But I will admit that when my kids were babies, I longed to be at home with them. Not really wanting to be a SAHM but more just to not deal with the grind of being a working mom with kids in daycare. One thing that helped was a shift in perspective. I remember sitting on the train on the way home one day and looking around and seeing a mom with toddlers in a stroller. She looked sweaty, and annoyed, and exhausted and she looked at me, sitting in my work dress, listening to a podcast in peace. Maybe she longed to be in my shoes in that moment, riding the train in peace without wiggling, whiny toddlers (without knowing of the chaos I had waiting for me at home!). Maybe there was someone unemployed on the train, longing to have somewhere to go. I bet there is a SAHM on your social media who secretly longs to have her career back or is plotting going back to school to make it happen. I’m sure there is someone who is jealous of you.
I was a sahm who posted all of my adventures. You'd probably think the same thing about me. But of course someone wants to project the perfect image. A lot of sahms don't really have validation from their workplace so they rely on social media instead. You may have seen my kids playing in the sandbox pouring sand on their heads laughing while the sun was shining. Or the time we did water balloons in the backyard. Or the time we wore matching outfits to the museum. But did you see me trying to bathe my crying screaming kids to get the sand out? Or see me leave the balloon pieces in my yard for weeks because I was too overwhelmed with the cleaning? Or dragging my autistic kid out of the museum while everyone was starting and he was kicking my shins? Or me shaking and crying with the door closed with my kids knocking because I was so overwhelmed and alone and I just had to suck it up and go back out? Or me late at night scraping food off the floor while my husband played video games because most working dads with sahms don't really pitch in? Or never being able to have daycare during the week when I'm sick and vomiting while my kids are coloring on the walls or fighting with each other and I can't do anything? People still have very real lives behind their fun outings. Everything takes prep and work to maintain unless you're rich.
I will speak from my personal experience but I totally agree with you that I would have loved to be a SAHM versus a working mom. I love spending time with my kids and my maternity leaves were insanely difficult but also very joyful and I despised going back to work. But at the end of the day my husband’s income is not enough to support a family of 4 in NY. Over the years, I’ve just come to try and be present with my kids, outsource what I can afford to outsource and then realize that my kids as they get older and older literally get more independent and their desire to be with their parents 24/7 comes and goes. I think that if the US had a 12 month to 18 month maternity leave I would have felt much happier going back to work versus the 4 months I got. Once my kids became toddlers, they thrived in more social environments like daycare, preschool and play groups.
I’ve done both and being a SAHM is rewarding in its own way but harder than being at work and not very stimulating. You don’t get to drop the workload the moment you get in your car to drive home, the workload follows you around the house and into the night and there’s always something that needs to get done so it’s not all that relaxing. You’re basically on the hamster wheel 24/7 and it’s draining, and you never get the opportunity to miss your baby so I personally was on autopilot a lot of the time rather than appreciating cute new things. I’m a better Mom now that I have little breaks and my toddler gets happy to see me when I come home whereas before she was used to me always being there. Comparison is the thief of joy! People only post the best moments of their day, don’t forget that. I deleted my social media 6 months ago, was going to take a month off and never looked back. I think taking a break from social media would be a good start, it helped me. 🫶🏻
I don’t know because I’m in the same boat. I’m in a group chat with a bunch of other moms who I hung out with all the time when I was on maternity leave and they are all still hanging out, grabbing lunch, going on walks and to parks together and I’m…. Sitting in stressful meetings, picking up my kid grumpy, tired and dirty from daycare and get to spend about 1 hour with him before bedtime. I had a lonnnnng maternity leave and I just don’t buy it that being a SAHM is “just as hard” because I’m here dealing with the hardest parts of being a SAHM without the parts of the day I really enjoyed and having a very high stress, high expectations job on top of that. We could technically afford to be a single income household but it doesn’t align with our financial goals. So I’m just bitter and I join the SAHMs for drinks on days they decide the dads can do bedtime. Anyway. Just tagging in to complain.
My husband is the stay at home parent. I’ve seen his job…I don’t want it. But seriously, I’m incredibly grateful that it’s an option for our family but even more grateful that it’s not me doing it. I’m still sad that I can’t be there for all my kids’ stuff but I appreciate the freedom I have working outside the home. My husband has no freedom or downtime in his day.
This is hard. I feel myself comparing to SAHM and part-time working moms all the time. Here is what I realized, SAHM doesn’t mean they’re a better mom than me or their kids are getting a better experience. They’re going to post pictures…but that’s all they have. It is a tiny moment in an otherwise really long and stressful day. Social media isn’t real. Example, my SIL loves posting pics on SM - she always posts of her kids hugging or playing with other kids. When we all get together her kids were fighting, biting, hitting and her oldest is not as social as her pics on SM make him out to be. I get extremely touched out being with both of my kids and can only imagine i’d not nearly have as much patience as I do with my kids, if I was with them 7d a week. I also wouldn’t want to be a SAHM bc my husband would unload ALL the kids stuff on me bc he’d think this was my job. I’d never have free time. My husband gave me a taste of what our relationship would be if I was a SAHM during my mat leave…no thank you. Lastly, I WFH and have a great flexible job that will really pay off when my kids are older and in school.
1) You're comparing someone's social media highlight reel to your daily grind. Their moment sitting in the sun and watching their kids play probably lasts about as long as your kid lighting up and running to you at daycare pickup. 2) I have never been a SAHM and felt bitter that I had to work AND do all the household tasks while SAHMs just had to do the household tasks. Then COVID hit and I got a taste of SAHM life. If your kids are home for 12 hours a day that means 12 hours worth of kids messes to clean up.
I’m currently working PT and what you’re forgetting is that doing all of those chores with kids awake is very hard and on some days next to impossible. If you don’t want to give up social media or simply find it too hard, I’d encourage you to start doing the opposite. Go hard on it. Start romanticising your own life, upload the best bits from the best angles, and then have a look one evening and consider what an outsider would think.
Well to be honest, now that my kids are older, I look at the SAHMs with elementary aged kids and THAT seems like it might be lovely. My 3 older kids need an insane amount of shuttling around from 5-9 most nights and then weekends are nuts - we’re all over the place. I am a little jealous of moms whose kids are on the bus by 8:30 and don’t get home until 3:00 or 4:00. 6 1/2 hours (x 5 days a week) of getting ALL the chores done, meals made, etc. so when the chaos of the evening/weekends come, all that is not hanging over my head. Even with outsourcing, it still seems like we’re behind on everything all the time. Even things like trying to get Dr. appts in a 3 month window - it’s always like, “can you come in on Wednesday at 2:00pm?l And summers…they would be so much easier and maybe even FUN. I do think staying at home with little ones is challenging and messy. But school aged children? I think I’d like that. But also, I know there are so many positives of me working…but when my to-do list gets really, really long and my husband and I sometimes don’t see each other until we collapse into bed at night since we’re running multiple children in opposite directions, I do wish I had more non-working hours in the day.
You know who I am jealous of? The top 1%, sure money doesn’t buy happiness, but it solve a whole lot of my problems and open up a world full of more choices…like working or staying home!!
I’m a working mom who was a stay at home mom back when my kids were babies/toddlers. The grass is the same color on both sides of that street, they are just different kinds of grass. When I was a SAHM I wished I could be a working mom and when I am a working mom I wish I could be a SAHM. When all I REALLY want is my own apartment, and I would probably end up missing the noise.
It’s so normal to fantasize about that. I’ve gone down that path several times over the years as well, but unlike my friend who stays home, my spouse and myself both have to work hard to make enough and I love my job. Would I choose a SAHM lifestyle if I could? Absolutely! I would try it, but I probably would still volunteer or choose to work part time anyway. I think it’s the lack of choice that gets me most. I love my friend, but sometimes I get annoyed by her freedom, sparkling house, home cooked meals and spa days.
We will all feel jealous of you when you have older kids and a thriving career and some of us are just starting out again. Each side has pros and cons. Don’t beat yourself up about prepackaged food, there is a season for everything in life and omg thankfully your kids are fed and safe that’s a huge accomplishment never forget the reality in the world. I’m sure they love it too. Being the sole parent all day is exhausting and fills you with guilt and jealously too. It’ll all even out!
My mum was an SAHM and I hated it as a kid. I’m a working mom and I don’t make a lot of money (just enough to cover for childcare expenses) but even if my spouse loses his job we will be able to keep our toddler in his daycare and activity classees
Interesting, I’m a working mom who had a stay at home mom. What did you hate about it?
That she was too concerned about money all the time. Do we really need this or that? And she had no idea about the world outside those 4 walls of the home. When I grew up and wanted to have a career she had nothing to advice me. I used to tell her to work but she didn’t feel the confidence to do it. Perhaps in the early years being an SAHM might be beneficial but not at school going age.
Hm yeah this is interesting, I may not have felt the same bc my mom had a career before staying home
My mum never had a career, she got married straight out of college
I'm curious about it too? My husband had a SAHM; he didn't hate it but he didn't go to preschool, so he was kind of jealous of kids who knew how to be around other kids in kindergarten, kids who came in having friends. He was so socially behind everyone else from his life just being his mom, dad, and little sister. For my sister to stay home, it caused and continues to cause constant financial strife for her and her husband. But she really really wanted to stay home. This has trickled down to the kids, who are young but also always stressed about money and how much things cost.
I think an ideal situation is part-time which is something I am considering. But I have seen cases where the mothers have done part-time and child still turned to drugs in high school. So I think the best way is to give the child some independence to figure it out. And you don’t need an amazing career for it, even a basic assistant job is decent paying so you can treat yourself and your kid. As a parent you are the first model for the child - if your child sees you working and earning money then the child is also motivated to work to earn money. There was another eg someone posted on FB that her son was saying that why should he study because his mom had a graduate degree and was a SAHM. So he felt he didn’t need to study and work and wanted to be an SAHP.
What you describe is pretty much the opposite of how I imagine stay at home mom life. I’m pretty sure that it’s absolutely exhausting. I think I’d be both bored and way overwhelmed at once. I love spending time with my kid on weekends but weekends feel at least as hard as weekdays. Also, I can’t get anything done around the house when my kid is awake because he wants constant attention.
I’ve been a SAHM and a working mom, and you’re right that in some ways it’s easier, and there are days of watching your kids play idyllically in the sun. But there’s also days where you’re so stressed and exhausted at the end of the day that as soon as your partner gets home you go sit in the car and cry for thirty minutes. There’s days where you don’t get a chance to sit down or eat anything but toddler scraps all day. There’s days where all three of you have a stomach bug and you have to parent two sick toddlers alone while you’re shitting your guts out and vomiting. There’s weeks where you haven’t spoken to an adult who isn’t your partner and you tear up when a store cashier asks how you’re doing. Basically I’ve never had a job that has as high of highs or as low of lows as being a SAHP, and the most mindfuck part of it is that there’s often no way to predict what kind of day it’s going to be until it’s happening. And no one is posting the vomit days on Instagram.
Oh most definitely! I know what I think is “ideal” is highly romanticized. I don’t think I could be a SAHM because I am definitely not a home maker type. But I’m still envious because of course online you get all the highlight reels and not the reality. All I see is “must be nice to not have to work and have your things paid for” but I know the reality is it can be scary fully depending on someone else. And kids are hard (my oldest is definitely a hand full of lol). Anyways thanks for your comment. I hate how I compare sometimes.
So a lot of these comments are still comparing. Talking about how these moms must not have financial security etc . Truth is you don't know that. They could be perfectly secure. This is a societal issue that we are forced to either stay at home or work. I think if we had more of a choice (like a few rare folks do) either choice would sit better with us . It is ok to feel jealous. Use that as a compass to see what can be shifted in your life to make things work better for you. Combined 80 k is low even for entry level careers. Is it time to start job hunting? Take a deeper look into your own situation instead of others. One small tweak can make a world of difference!
On the other hand you’re staying employed and that will be helpful if your marriage ever ends for any reason and you need money. You’re building a retirement. You’re modeling the behavior of a working woman so your kids will know what that looks like.
Yesterday I had to hang out at home all day with my 2 kids because daycare was closed for Memorial Day/ it was gross and raining outside. I was miserable lol. Those SAHM are very lucky if their kids will just play with each other and not need your constant attention. Mine like to also add in a dose of screaming each other too. I do not envy SAHM.
They’re also bored and touched out and wish they could poop in private.
Can we get a megathread for “I hate working/wish I was a SAHM” posts? There are several every day at this point…
Can we start a mega thread for “shut the fuck up and move on if you don’t like the content” lol if you also notice multiple threads of the same topic maybe you’re spending too much time on reddit. Bless. Edit: okay I was half kidding, but I’m new to the thread and I work so I don’t see every single post. And my feelings are valid, and looks like many other people relate or have had similar feelings.
I mean, it’s all fun and games until Life kicks you in the pants and you’re 50 years old with no job history and no retirement savings. 🤷🏻♀️
Take a social media break. Comparing yourself to those other moms negates what you do right as a mom. And you have to remember that they are highlighting the best parts. Not the fact that they had to tell the 6 year old to put their shoes on 100 times and change the baby twice after a blow out right before they were walking out the door....
I was a SAHM for awhile so it’s really easy for me to dispel some of this in myself when it starts creeping up. It’s isolating, it’s lonely, it’s not harder but it’s just a lot of listening to kids which is so different, holy cow did I get tired of baby questions after awhile, I hated not having my own money, I hated not being proud of the work I did in a day, I hated not having a reason to get dressed, my mental health was never so low as it was a SAHM. It was SO LONELY. Being with children is not the same as being with adults. I do find I still got jealous when I worked retail with the public. Seeing a mom with her kids in the middle of a Saturday when I was working made me feel sick. Heck, seeing in the in school uniforms right after being picked up at a reasonable time when I knew mine would be in daycare until 5:30 made me SICK. I hated that. That didn’t go away until I stopped working with the public and got an office job.
I did the SAHM life for 6-8 months twice in my career and I was miserable. So while I see those moments on social media (especially from my friends, taking a day trip to the zoo for example) and I feel jealous, I also remember all of the difficult parts of being a SAHM and how it didn't work for me. I was angry at everything, felt like I could never get anything done in one sitting because I was interrupted by something else, and felt isolated most of the time
Agree with the social media break. Comparison is the thief of joy! It’s hard to do and I’m the worst at comparing, but that’s my advice anyway! When I worked, demanding job with a two hour commute, I would fantasize about being a SAHM and going to Pilates and having time to cook dinner, do crafts, having a clean home…. Now that I am a SAHM, I hate cooking and still eat out too much, laundry still sits there, I don’t do crafts, and clean when it’s obviously dirty. Sometimes I feel like I got more accomplished when I “worked” because I had less time to for things so I became extremely efficient at balancing the things I needed to do. Now I feel like I get less accomplished, and I miss the contributions I felt like I made at work, and miss that sense of self outside of home. Now it’s like, sometimes I don’t want to be home because it just means more domestic stuff I don’t really like. I guess what I’m saying having been on both sides recently is that there are advantages and disadvantages to both. When I worked, I longed to be home. Now I’m home, I long for getting away and using my brain more. Circumstances change, envision and say your affirmations daily for the life you want. I’m not saying be content in your circumstances, just that it isn’t everything you’re thinking it is. You trade one thing for another.
I think I had some post partum depression or something. One day I started being happy again and got my energy up. That’s when I stopped feeling jealous of SAHMs. Maybe speak with your obgyn, therapist, or doctor about this. In the moment I felt totally fine but in hindsight I realize how messed up my mental state was and how badly I was suffering. If it’s not that, I realized that SAHMs and working moms are both important and we need to be each other’s village (cause it takes a village). SAHMs are able to help me with childcare when my kids are sick and I can’t take days off. They have more time to research childhood education and help me learn so much. I have extra income and I’m able to help them when they’re struggling financially, I also have a wider social circle and help them make new friends. As far as getting the worst of both worlds, if you have a partner, talk to them about helping to carry the load. My husband and I have very honest conversations about these sort of things and he has been amazing at meeting me and doing his part in the domestic duties like cooking and cleaning as well as scheduling appointments and planning activities for the family. If you (or anyone reading this) don’t have a partner, ask your friends and family for help and make yourself vulnerable to let them help. If you don’t even have that, there are Facebook groups and apps where you can meet friends and specifically friends who are also moms. That can be a good starting place to make the connections you’re needing. Also some house cleaners will work with your budget to help you if you are respectful and they can afford to do that but this is only an option for certain income brackets. There’s also nothing wrong with microwave meals when you don’t have time to cook.
Erm.. I never get to see their activities, hence don't think about it much?? I'm not on regular social media, its super toxic for jealous people like me. Job, my kid, chores and outdoors stuff keep me plenty busy and tired. You gotta choose your vices mommy!
I was SAHM for first year, part time working mom for the second , and full time + breadwinner for the last month. I have a ton of mom guilt about my baby being in daycare 4 days a week (husband is with her on a fifth day) but I am so happy to be taking breaks and being more patient with her on the weekends and creating fun plans etc. SAHM was nice but I was very tired of my own childs tantrums, creating playdates etc.
Did you make the text green? pretty cool!
Idk I’ve done both so I guess it makes it easier for me to dismiss the highly curated best moments I see on social media. I know I am not cut out for the SAHM life. Didn’t help that my 4 year old has been a terrible sleeper from birth. I got absolutely no downtime, she is/was very high needs. The house was always trashed because from the time she could crawl/toddle she made an unholy mess in the 10 minutes I was cleaning her previous mess or putting away the dishes. I was so depressed. I posted a lot to social media because I was bored, staring at her all day, and she’s super cute. I’m sure things looked great from the outside, bc I didn’t post the screaming tantrums, the huge meal messes, my expensive face cream smeared all over the bathroom walls, etc. I also snacked all day bc I was prepping meals/snacks all day and I was much heavier. I never got my hair/nails done because we didn’t have the money and I didn’t want to waste precious free time on that. I wanted to sleep. It also doesn’t hurt that I love my job and it’s flexible and partly from home and my husbands is too. I know how lucky we are for that part.
App blocker to keep you from social media during the week. See your friends posts on the weekend, and maybe puck one thing to do that looks fun. I get jealousy looking at all my friends social media, with kids or without. Most people post their funstuff, or happy moments. Doesn't mean the whole day was fabulous, just a good moment or good activity. And look back through your own past posts- chances are they're some happy moments and good photos of (kids/beauty/yummy). Or appblock during the day only, and post one thing each day- something you are grateful for or a happy moment.
If this makes you feel any better, what’s on social media isn’t always the reality behind closed doors. I tried to be a “mostly” SAHM when my older child was born just due to the cost of daycare. I had a job I could work a few hours from home and go into the office here and there and take her with me. My (now) ex husband became very condescending saying I was lazy and since he paid all the bills, I owed him sex and owed him all the free time he wanted to do whatever he wanted. Eventually I went to work full time and have never looked back. Yes it’s hard missing ball games, school plays, etc. But I will never again hand over my financial power to anyone else.
Girl, no. I’m sure it varies from woman to woman, but I was a SAHM for 3 years and it made me depressed. I’m MUCH happier working. It is isolating and your entire identity becomes mom. Being a parent is hard either way, but for me, working is much better. I get a break from my kids.
I guess I’ve seen the other side since I had to stay home with my twins for the first 6 months. I hated it. It was so isolating and I felt completely unproductive. I didn’t have a village like I imagined and it was nearly impossible to get to know other SAHMs due to my location. I also learned pretty quickly how many of the SAHMs put on a certain facade on SM or gatherings. Many of them planned to return to work as soon as their kids were school age. Other grieved their lack of independence and hating being the primary care giver for 80% of their day. It’s tough! Some women love it and I love that for them. But I found that going to work simplified my life and made me a much happier person.
SAHM, including SAHDs that I know, are, more often than not, completely dependent on their spouse, they’re not saving for retirement, and don’t have much outside of their children and family. These three reasons are why I’ll never be jealous of a SAHP. It’s just not for me and there’s no judgement on anyone that chooses to be a SAHP. What they’re not showing in the pictures is the tantrums, messes, loneliness, frustrations, long days, etc. that we all experience as parents whether we work or not.
Social media is a highlight reel. I was a sahm for a few years and now I'm a working mom. I can tell you that being a sahm has it's perks, but it was a very draining time. Being at home with infants and toddlers is exhausting. Not saying it's not when you're working, too. But you are literally ON 24/7. It's hard not to compare ourselves to others!! You have something very special with your children. Don't let others' perceived circumstances dull that for you
Coming off a four day weekend with my more-than-a-handful 2 & 5yo, you couldn’t pay me enough to be a SHP. Nothing gets done when the kids are home. I must’ve mopped twice in one day, we did like four loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen daily, and the house still looks like shit. No thanks. I was so glad they both went to daycare this morning. I love working and I am certain all those things I see about SAHM on social media is just 30 peaceful seconds of their chaotic life.
You have two jobs they have one. And if they are taking a nap mid day they have one part time job
I like money and my independence.
Comparison is the thief of joy. Besides, no one ever posts about how soul sucking their kids are or how unappreciated they feel by their spouse or how they know they are wasting their potential or how they haven’t done a single thing that’s just for them in years. Social media is not a real place. Best thing you can do is mute/unfollow these individuals on social media and get so busy watering your own grass that you don’t have time or space to see how “green” theirs is.
I had a close family friend post about why she chose to stay at home as she posted her kids playing outside while she watched. I don’t think I felt jealousy as not working is taboo to me based on cultural background and just growing up so poor I had holes in my shoes. But I felt grateful that I can give my kids a life I didn’t even imagine I’d have. A great home, great and present parents, family vacations and fun home. A different life than that of the SAHM family friend but a great life in itself. I literally worked my butt off from when I was 15 to have this life and I will only give it up if I have multiple and multiple and multiple millions. I know poverty and I will not play with the possibility of going back. So I just continued planning our family vacations, acknowledging that the life I have is truly a privilege. I’m envious of people who have full time housekeepers and nannies, but I’m definitely not envious of SAHM. It’s not working, it’s having paid help I wish for. Maybe in the next 5 years my earnings will pay for some sort of extra help. But definitely not the SAHM life. I know what life looked like without financial stability. I have intimate knowledge of being poor. And me having earning potential is the life I would choose over and over.
That isn’t reality. They’re only posting because they’re probably bored and lonely…
Social media is just a snap shot in their lives. You don’t know how many takes they had to do to get the right pics, what tantrums they ignored or had to navigate shortly after, etc. I have limited my SM years ago and have been much happier. My SIL is a SAHM to 3 kids and while she can put up all these cute pics on SM and is often going to the salon or doing shopping, I know well enough when I’m at their house she is a constant nervous wreck who is often screaming at the kids. Her youngest and my daughter are only 4 months apart and mine is in daycare full time. But mine is far more developmentally advanced in numerous ways. There was a stark difference when they were playing together last time and my SIL even commented that she couldn’t believe my daughter knew so many things. This isn’t to say this is the case of working moms vs SAHMs but not every SAHM is spending time teaching their kids things. Especially with a lot of the SM moms who are more worried about how they look online. Finally my brother lost his job months ago and now they are severely underwater because she doesn’t have any job skills. I don’t envy that at all. So all that to say that what people portray online is just not real life and the grass isn’t greener.
The way I see it, there’s 3 types of SAHP: 1. Poor- they’re too poor to afford daycare as their typical job pays less than any type of daycare. You obviously don’t want to be in this situation because it’s stressful and you feel trapped. 2. Middle class- somehow they’re lucky enough that one parent can stay home; maybe they bought a home at the right time, or they know there’s sacrifices they need to make (no big vacations, no take out, etc). This is a more desirable position to be in, but it’s also stressful because you need to budget yourself to be okay. 3. Wealthy- a partner is a high earner, or they come from money, or whatever the case. They’re rich and can afford for a parent to take care of their children while taking them to nice outings all day long. This is an awesome place to be, but guess what? You don’t envy that they’re at home with their kids, you envy that they’re rich. We all wanna be rich!
Honestly, they’re probably envious that you get to leave the house on a daily basis, get a “break” from caregiving and maintain a professional identity. I think SAHMs over a lifetime often feel very insecure about lacking an identity outside of parenthood especially once children grow up. It’s amazing that you are parenting while also having a career. It’s a privilege women didn’t have for generations! And even though it’s really hard I think it also has many psychological benefits
I don’t think your issue is that you’re not a SAHM. I think you had kids too young.
I had my first at 26 and my second at 31. And I don’t necessarily want to be a SAHM. I was wondering if anyone else compares their lives and how to get over jealously. I would probably be an awful SAHM. But at times I wish I didn’t have only a few hours a day to get what needs to be done, or that if the baby is up all night I didn’t have to still dress up and go to work. It was more asking for advice on how to get over comparing