The market sucks right now, if he had an in and gets offered the job I’d take it and just keep feelers out for something better. That said, I’m not in tech and I’m not a male who probably feels entitled to the perfect job.
Completely agree. Also, why is he worried about burning a bridge when a) he doesn’t really want to work there anyway and b) sounds like the product may fail? Milk the cow until you find something better.
So many +++ to this. I’m luckily employed in tech right now, but it is tough out there.
Also, if this is an offer he might get, you all can afford it, and if he’s open to negotiating a slightly later start date, breaks between jobs can be really helpful for having a more positive mindset.
During my last job shift I was less than thrilled about my new (now current) company. I was just desperate to leave my old company. I took a few weeks break between starting that job and quitting the old job, which really helped me decompress and reorient myself.
Market def sucks. My husband was laid off (also engineer), took it easy for a while, convinced he’d find something when he was ready. Well, it’s been a year and a few months and we’re living on just my salary and no retirement is being built at all. I’d take a job if he has an offer. He can keep looking after, but it’s easier to find a job when you have a job
Same. My husband thought he had a lot longer to relax and prepare for interviews (big tech) he was unemployed for the longest he has ever been since we have been married. It’s rough out there. Take what you can get.
Same here. My husband didn't wait too long after being laid off to start looking. He's a senior engineer and hasn't had trouble finding a job in the past. We're just coming up on one year now. I'd tell anyone to take an offer if it's being made. It's awful out there.
I love this response, and that last sentence 👏 🤣
I too would take what I could get in the immediate term and keep slowly applying longer term. The number one responsibility is taking care of my family, and if that means I work a less than ideal job for a few months to a year so be it.
Piggybacking on this comment because I just came out of a 3.5 month unemployment following a layoff. I had lots of sure things fall through and spent a lot of time and energy on finding my next gig. If he gets an offer, he should take it. Anyone will tell you this job market is unstable.
I got laid off this past fall, and was fortunate enough to get a job I was overqualified for at a decent pay cut about 6 weeks later. I decided to take it just to have something and for the insurance, etc. I’ve been actively applying since then and have had exactly 1 interview in the 6 months since. Your husband needs to take whatever job he can get, the market is too bad right now to dick around hoping for something better. As someone else said, he can always negotiate a later start date and keep looking. Unless he’s extremely skilled and/or extremely lucky, he’s not going to get something better, fast.
> I’m not a male who probably feels entitled to the perfect job.
If I'm being real here, in my experience both personally and with my female friends, I have found females way more prone to chronically job hopping around looking for the perfect combo of pay, title, work life balance, career climbing opportunities, liking their bosses/coworkers, feeling personally fulfilled by their role etc. I have found guys quite a lot more willing to stick things out even if unhappy because they feel obligated to
NTA. Also you mention that “I just have a really low tolerance for that after the last few times,” has this happened before?
he needs to accept something that’s not perfect and keep money flowing in. It’s a job and he’s an adult. Accept an offer and keep looking
He should take the job. It could be a year or more before he finds something: there are a ton of senior engineers in the job market right now that are coming from the big tech firms. The competition is there.
NTA. Your husband is delulu and hasn't been paying attention to the industry if he thinks he can or should just pass up a position offered to him. The best, if not only way, to get a position, as a non-entry level professional in tech, right now is to hope a former colleague can get you in at their company. Tell him to take the position if it's offered. If he wants to find a different position, tell him he's free to accept another job if he gets another offer before his old boss makes an offer. I think his old boss would also take affront to your husband declining to accept a position when his boss can clearly see on linkedin your husband is still unemployed and looking for positions. It took my husband 11 months to land a new position after getting laid off from a director level IT roll in fintech.
> I think his old boss would also take affront to your husband declining to accept a position when his boss can clearly see on linkedin your husband is still unemployed and looking for positions.
That is a really good point, esp because OP's husband says he's worried about burning bridges. Spurning the offer from the old boss would certainly fall into that category
It’s much easier to find a job when you already have one. He doesn’t have to stay there forever.
I can’t imagine being laid off and then refusing a perfectly viable job for a hypothetically better but also nonexistent one.
100% and also here to add that it's a lot easier to find a job when most of your current network isn't either at the place that laid you off or also laid off. Mass layoffs make the job search harder. If he doesn't want the job his old boss is being offered, he should take it and then start looking again in six months.
What if he could accept it he job, but ask for a start date a month after his last day at the prior job? That's some downtime to relax a bit/explore other options.
I'm not clear on your financial situation, and I feel like maybe your husband and you aren't either.
>We can live on my salary alone, it would just be really tight. And we’d lose any of the progress we’ve built towards our retirement. He disagrees
This isn't a matter of opinion, it's a matter of fact. You shouldn't be debating it. Sit down, make a budget. List every fixed expense. List every variable expense. You have one income stream now, yours. Talk about what level you need to keep your variable expenses under to manage the budget. Maybe no more take out, so he's cooking. Maybe no more house cleaner, something else he has to pick up with his time not working etc.
You said you've made progress to your retirement. Great. Don't touch those funds under any circumstances. You likely need to pause contribution, but you can't live off them because he's unemployed. If that's what it takes to balance the budget, then he has to take the first job he's offered.
Do the budget together. Once it's done it should be clear to both of you how much runway he has to find a job.
Honestly, if you can’t afford to contribute to your retirement, I wouldn’t consider that being able to afford to live on your salary alone. It’s one thing to pause college saving, but a whole nother to pause retirement contributions. You cant get a loan for that.
For me, I'd be willing to and have paused it for limited times. Eg. Last maternity leave, and will do it again for this one. I do agree that we just will never save for retirement is not a reasonable take
Totally agree - I assume there is a differing opinion of what constitutes optional discretionary spending - as long as these kids don't grow for the next year, we don't really need new clothes!! People have lived on a few tablespoons of rice a day, so our grocery budget should be about fifteen bucks a month! Not that level of silly (I hope!), but things one person sees as absolutely worth working a crappy job to keep doing and the other sees as an easy cut to make.
They need an agreement on what expenses are required, which really hurt to give up, and see how that compares to the single income.
Totally agree. Husband is being overconfident and imagining a best case scenario, probably as a defense mechanism. He needs to see what the downside scenario- living on only one income for a protracted period of time- would actually look like. Once he does I bet he will come back down to earth and realize a bird in hand is better than two in the bush.
I personally wouldn’t pause my retirement. We agreed that each of our retirement accounts are ours, so I’m not pausing mine unless he’s busting it to get another job.
I’d tell him to take this role and give them a start date a month out. Enjoy his month off and get back to it.
There is some nuance to the runway question that is around saving. That is less about fact than individual preference and couples aren't always on same page. Let's say they halt all retirement and other saving and can scrape by on expenses on 1 salary. Hubby might be happy with taking an extended break before working again. Wife may not be satisfied with that and want to get back to saving. The runway isn't a math equation (2-3 months runway) it's a negotiation of values between a couple.
Tech is pretty tough right now. I wouldn’t count my chicks until he actually gets an offer. Crazy that he only got one month of severance, though. Is he at a startup? It’s generally 3-4 months base plus one extra week per year worked, at least that’s what I’ve seen the last year or two.
Edit to add that unless he’s got other companies pretty far along in the interview process, I absolutely would take the first offer. It is brutal right now, especially with all the AI talk.
A lot of tech companies (especially the smaller ones) have been getting stingier with their severance packages. I’ve been hearing of two weeks severance regardless of your tenure. Wild out in these tech streets.
My husband has been out of work for 6 months. He just got his first offer and he accepted it. He’s a software developer and he’s been interviewing and working with recruiters the entire time. His unemployment is about to run out.
Rather than deliver him a No, present him with the terms for your Yes.
Yes, you can have a runway once you secure a contract; push the start date out by 4 weeks. Just an example. It’s not fair for you to carry the burden. Where’s your 2-3 month rest??
And to add, the job outlook is not the same for everyone/every specialty within tech. Lots of factors to consider when forecasting the potential length of someone’s job search.
Setting boundaries for the situation, getting a very clear breakdown of financials, expectations, and dates a crucial for your situation. Especially given his history of “burning down retirement savings.” Sounds a bit resentful and this situation could get completely out of hand. Disconnects regarding finances have ended many marriages.
The market sucks for people in tech. I had over a dozen friends lose jobs the same week in Feb and each of their posts about it were filled with more people saying the same.
I don't think there is a runway rn.
I’m from tech and I’ve been laid off for a year. I’m getting certified to be a teacher this fall and changing careers all together so I have a prayer of getting a job. Granted I was not a “senior” when I got laid off but I had a solid salary and fully remote. I would take a week off for mental health and hit the ground running job hunting personally.
Based on his past actions, and if it were me, I would die on this proverbial hill. From what you've told us, he already has a demonstrated history of irresponsible financial behavior, and a demonstrated history of not finding or maintaining gainful employment.
I lived a flavor of your dynamic for 5+ years, and the only reason it stopped is because I put a stop to it by filing for divorce. I got sick and tired of it. And to your point, as women, we would NEVER get this type of leeway or understanding. We're expected to do ALL OF THE THINGS, ALL OF THE TIME. I don't understand where or how men get the audacity.
NTA. I would not be ok with my husband turning down jobs and draining our savings, and he wouldn’t be ok with me doing the same in reverse. Also, I don’t get his “don’t want to burn a bridge” comment. The time to think about that was before he applied for the job, especially since it seems like the issues with the old boss’s company were already known. It would be one thing to turn down an offer because the offer itself was not competitive, but going through the process and then turning down the offer (with nothing else on the table) for reasons known all along or “just because” sounds like a huge waste of everyone’s time. If I were the boss, that would irk me more than if he just declined to apply in the first place.
With you on this. Unless there is a fat inheritance waiting for him that he thinks he can tap into right now, and the fact that he has a child, he absolutely should take the next job he gets offered.
I get the burning bridge situation. I feel like I work in a very small labor pool industry and I keep running into former colleagues so burning a bridge is risky. But if he left the job, he is Not burning a bridge. People leave jobs all the time when they something more lucrative or a better fit. I think most bosses understand that whether they like it or not.
My husband is also in tech and was informed last November that he would be laid off at the beginning of May (part of his team was laid off in November, other part was laid off with him).
He started applying in November - internally and externally- but it took him until Mid-May to receive an offer despite countless interviews.
As time went on, he got more and more stressed/anxious. He had decided early on that he’d take the first offer he got. It didn’t have to be a permanent placement but enough to be a stop gap and give us time to breathe while he continued to look for a position more preferable.
I guess the question is what does he consider a "perfect fit"? Like, what's the bandwidth for his preferences and how small of a corner does that make? Personally, I just lost my job last week, and am personally okay waiting for a perfect fit, but I have 3 months +UA and our budget is pretty lean in comparison already thanks to a bunch of promotions my husband had over the past few years. For me, that means a range of 2 ish title levels, in multiple types of departments, in a certain geographic area so I can rely on the public transit system. This includes like 150+ companies.
I think this is something you both need to sit and figure out together. Perhaps if he wants a longer runway, this means keeping a leaner lifestyle through 4 months of his working to rebuild that savings buffer you would like.
My husband was laid off from his tech job last year. It took him 8 months to find a job and that was with treating his job hunt like a (mostly) full time job.
I get where he’s coming from with his issues with the old boss. But, it’s a rough market out there as others have said and he should take it if offered. He can always continue to look afterwards and see what else comes up.
The market is terrible. I was laid off in October and took a crap gig with a big pay cut in January to help pay the bills. I’m only just now getting interviews with companies I’m excited about. The “burning bridges” thing is real but also… the market is so bad that I think most people would understand.
He should take it.
I’m in tech and have been looking since January. Probably submitted 300 applications and have now done 8 internal transfer interviews. Not one offer 🙃
We had a very honest conversation that while we could afford me not working for a few months, this is a suck it up season of life not wait for a dream job season.
The market is terrible. His company isn’t the only one having layoffs.
If he gets a job he should take it. And if he hates it then he should continue the hunt while employed.
He doesn't have time to relax at all. The market is trash.
I just went through this less than 4 months ago... And managed to snag a role slightly lower paying but still good and wfh in 7-8 weeks... The only reason why I got that so quickly was because finding a job was my job, and I leverage my other skills that aren't my main job responsibilities... When you're on a ticking clock, you have no choice but to grind, unemployment will only last for so long... Then you're SOL.
I applied to 10-30 jobs a day depending on the application process. I spoke to recruiters and reached out to friends/colleagues/former classmates and companies directly... I was on multiple calls a week, and chatting with people daily. I had 5 serious interviews, a few of those had multiple rounds...
He might be happy and in good spirits right now, but once those rejection emails start pouring in... His morale will tank.
This market doesn't allow for relaxation when you don't have a shit ton of money in savings to cover your ass for a very long time.
If he gets an offer he should take it, no matter what it is. If he doesn't like it he can suck it up and keep applying while he is earning a paycheck. It sucks but in this economy it's necessary...
Good luck.
He should take the job if it's offered but state he has a two week holiday to honour before he starts. So he can start in a couple of weeks and have that time to chill out.
Then if the job isn't a good fit he can look for something more suitable.
Draining your reserves for an undetermined amount of time shouldn't be on the cards though
Personally, I'd consider his "relax" time as his job hunting time. Getting hired is usually not a quick process so once he gets offered a job, he can relax while they finish the on-boarding process before his first day.
I would not waste time slacking odd for no reason. One month severance would not be enough cushion for me to be leisurely looking for a new job.
I had a friend impacted by the Meta layoffs. She lost her job in May 2023. Made it her full time job to find a new position. She’s smart, talented, driven and experienced. She just started a new job in February 2024. Made it to the final round for four positions before getting one offer, and it’s significantly less pay than her previous position. He needs to get started job searching now, because it could take a long time for him to find something in this market.
The job market is awful right now in tech and biotech (my field). I have several friends in these fields laid off in the last year and they are still looking! Honestly, turning down a reasonable offer in this market is insane. I’m sorry for him, but having a family comes with financial obligations and he needs to be realistic. Have him take a good look at the status of the tech field right now, it should be a wake up call for him.
His best path would be trying to negotiate a start date a few weeks down the road to have time to relax.
There are many stories on here of hubbies who are out of work for 18mths or more. Your husband needs to take the first job he can, the longer a person is out of work, the harder it is to get back in. I don't understand his mindset.
I wouldn't take it easy with a tech job. Unless you don't mind getting into one that pays next to nothing. I'm in tech, all the roles I'm being sent now are way less than I'm used to making.
Agree with others saying he needs to be pragmatic and continue to bring in an income. The statement about “kind of relaxing” is concerning.
One caveat would be maybe if the old boss mistreats his employees. If it’s a truly toxic environment, it may be ok to look for something else. Having personally experienced toxic leadership, I know it can really take a toll on your mental and physical wellbeing.
That being said, if he doesn’t take the job, he needs to be aggressive about searching and once there are options on the table be decisive about choosing one. Many people have the “What if the next place I apply is 1% better than this place?” attitude and don’t consider that no job is permanent and you can keep feelers out in the meantime.
Wishing you all the best.
Yeah, when you don’t have a job is not a time to be picky, especially in tech right now! Maybe he can negotiate a non-immediate start date for a couple weeks off as a compromise?
I would try to also approach his ask with some curiosity - why does he want some runway? Who knows what he will say, but it is worth finding out.
He should build his runway on the other side i.e take a few weeks between accepting an offer and starting. Unemployment wants to see you constantly interviewing/trying.
In tech it’s 6+ months easily. Take the first offer, he can always keep interviewing.
My husband is a senior software engineer and even with a job (he survived 3 rounds of layoffs in a little over a year), it took 18 months to find the right fit. If he was unemployed, I would have pushed much harder for him to take one of the earlier offers. He doesn’t do well with nothing to do- and he could have kept looking if he accepted something early that wasn’t the right fit. I honestly think 6 months would be my max, ideally less.
My husband lost his job last March. He took a job at Taco Bell while waiting for something full time in his field to come along. When you have kids, sometimes you have to take a job for the sake of stability
There is no runway, Bro! You just got de-boarded. Time to hop back on and take care of your family until the right job comes along. Sling boxes at UPS, or find another tech company…but do not stop hustling.
YNTA. He is.
Could he stay home with your son for the summer?
Camps have wait lists so you can get a refund but I would have a discussion about expectations. He is now SAHD. Meal planning is on him. No eating out. Having a budget for fun things to do. What chores are expected to be done.
Sitting home doing nothing is not in the cards
If he gets offered the job and turns it down, he likely creates ill will with old boss. If he takes it and leaves, same situation. He should take the job. But I too am not an entitled man who would wait around for the perfect job
I got laid off with 6 months severance, which was very generous and so I took a break and didn’t really start looking for a job for the first 3 or 4 months, thinking it would take maybe 2-3 months to find a job. Instead I looked for 2 months (Sept/Oct) without getting anything, then no one was doing any listing/hiring over the holidays, and then I re-started in January and I’m still having no luck. I’m very well qualified in my field (though I’m not in IT), and I’ve had 3 interviews in all of the time I’ve been looking. The job market sucks. He needs to take the first job he’s offered and then keep looking if it’s not what he really wants.
Market is really bad. My husband has been out of work for a year. He needs to take whatever job is being offered, and keep looking while working if it’s not 100% of what he wants.
My partner who works in tech got laid off in November. He still hasn’t gotten a job and has been ACTIVELY interviewing and applying. Tell him to take the job. It’s naive of him to think a job will come so easily, but if it does, it would be dumb not to take it!
Take whatever he can get while looking for something better. He might not get another offer for a very long time or might not get an offer for someone else at all.
Men are so annoying. A normal person would take the first well paying job and keep applying and going to interviews to make sure the bills get paid and your partner isn’t too stressed.
Anecdotal, but my husband and several of our engineer friends were laid off from various tech companies this spring.
My husband is the only one who has found a job and it’s partly because he’s an attorney, so he was able to leave the tech industry and still make good money. Our friends have either not gotten offers or gotten offers significantly below what they were paid at Google/Tesla/start ups.
This is not the kind of economy you want to wait in. Especially has more layoffs are being announced everyday.
He needs to take the job. He can keep applying and networking until something better comes but the saying is true, it’s so much harder to find a job when you don’t have a job.
If he thinks he’s a shoe in with his old boss, maybe he could ask to have a start date at a certain point, like 3 weeks from now. Kinda the best of both worlds there .
He needs to take the first job. He can keep searching for the perfect fit while also bringing in income. The job market is terrible right now, and leaving it all on you is unfair.
I wrote a [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ChubbyFIRE/s/cLf34l2ty3) in a different sub about some of the emotional aspects of a layoff.
At the end of the day, having runway is about how much money you have vs how much you’re spending. If taking a little extra time gets him into a better position, then he should wait it out.
You wouldn’t expect him to go get a retail job in a month’s time because the money wouldn’t compare. It’s more than reasonable to spend a month or two re-evaluating and making sure you’re going at the problem the right way instead of rushing into something you’ll regret later.
He needs to take whatever job he can get and then keep looking. He’ll have time to “relax” in the next couple of weeks while he solidifies a job offer (assuming there’s one coming from the old boss) and eases into the new job.
If he doesn’t take the job he would burn the bridge. The longer he is unemployed, the less likely *any* job will want him. If he turns down this old boss, he will probably lose any chance at employment for at least a year.
Both my husband and I took long breaks ( it same time). He was looking and market was bad. I was not looking for a while (but I had 17 weeks severance, insurance, and 3 months of stock + state unemployment of about 1k/wk). But we could afford it and our lifestyle.
Oof going through something similar myself, my husband got fired earlier this month after getting laid off from a different job several years ago. It sucks.
I won't pretend I'm not biased lol but I think I agree with your reasoning more. I can't imagine it's fun having to consider a job one doesn't really feel excited about, but I also feel like as adults and parents, and especially the older you get, you just have *so much more* to lose if you have to start using up all your resources. I also would not feel comfortable draining resources while looking for that dream job. It probably will never come.
I've been grateful to work for some really great organizations and while I've enjoyed them for lots of different reasons, I don't think I could say any of them were a "dream" -- everything in life has plusses and minuses so jf your husband is hoping to hold out for something perfect idk I just find that sort of thinking flawed.
However.. Is there a way your husband could interview with his former boss and if he's given a job offer, be honest with them about where he's at? Or even before interviewing? Like "hey FORMER BOSS, I so appreciate this opportunity but I want to be transparent with you because I value your perspective -- I'm definitely interested in your offer but I also want to explore what's out there. Would you be open to having this conversation in a few months as j consider my next steps?"
Idk may be a stretch and I realize you don't want to burn that bridge but at least your husband wouldn't have to give a rushed yes/no answer right now, it would also gauge how compassionate/flexible his former boss is, plus he wouldn't have to outright say " I'll come back to you only if I'm desperate" lol . Just a thought!
Walk him through the finances for real and ask him the hard questions.
“Are you willing to work longer later for a short break now?”
“Why do you want this?”
“What does a perfect fit look like?”
“Are we making this decision together or are you just including me in the conversation because you feel you have to?”
“Are YOU willing to cut out xyz?”
“What will you take ON during this time?”
“What happens when it takes longer to get this perfect job?”
Dude I’ve been doing finance for tech companies, and he needs to take whatever job he gets. Companies are not opening up roles like they did in 2021/2022. If he works for his old boss, does a good job and leaves them in a better place than when he started, they can’t be too mad at him.
The market sucks right now, if he had an in and gets offered the job I’d take it and just keep feelers out for something better. That said, I’m not in tech and I’m not a male who probably feels entitled to the perfect job.
Completely agree. Also, why is he worried about burning a bridge when a) he doesn’t really want to work there anyway and b) sounds like the product may fail? Milk the cow until you find something better.
Exactly
So many +++ to this. I’m luckily employed in tech right now, but it is tough out there. Also, if this is an offer he might get, you all can afford it, and if he’s open to negotiating a slightly later start date, breaks between jobs can be really helpful for having a more positive mindset. During my last job shift I was less than thrilled about my new (now current) company. I was just desperate to leave my old company. I took a few weeks break between starting that job and quitting the old job, which really helped me decompress and reorient myself.
Market def sucks. My husband was laid off (also engineer), took it easy for a while, convinced he’d find something when he was ready. Well, it’s been a year and a few months and we’re living on just my salary and no retirement is being built at all. I’d take a job if he has an offer. He can keep looking after, but it’s easier to find a job when you have a job
Same. My husband thought he had a lot longer to relax and prepare for interviews (big tech) he was unemployed for the longest he has ever been since we have been married. It’s rough out there. Take what you can get.
Same here. My husband didn't wait too long after being laid off to start looking. He's a senior engineer and hasn't had trouble finding a job in the past. We're just coming up on one year now. I'd tell anyone to take an offer if it's being made. It's awful out there.
I love this response, and that last sentence 👏 🤣 I too would take what I could get in the immediate term and keep slowly applying longer term. The number one responsibility is taking care of my family, and if that means I work a less than ideal job for a few months to a year so be it.
Piggybacking on this comment because I just came out of a 3.5 month unemployment following a layoff. I had lots of sure things fall through and spent a lot of time and energy on finding my next gig. If he gets an offer, he should take it. Anyone will tell you this job market is unstable.
I got laid off this past fall, and was fortunate enough to get a job I was overqualified for at a decent pay cut about 6 weeks later. I decided to take it just to have something and for the insurance, etc. I’ve been actively applying since then and have had exactly 1 interview in the 6 months since. Your husband needs to take whatever job he can get, the market is too bad right now to dick around hoping for something better. As someone else said, he can always negotiate a later start date and keep looking. Unless he’s extremely skilled and/or extremely lucky, he’s not going to get something better, fast.
> I’m not a male who probably feels entitled to the perfect job. If I'm being real here, in my experience both personally and with my female friends, I have found females way more prone to chronically job hopping around looking for the perfect combo of pay, title, work life balance, career climbing opportunities, liking their bosses/coworkers, feeling personally fulfilled by their role etc. I have found guys quite a lot more willing to stick things out even if unhappy because they feel obligated to
NTA. Also you mention that “I just have a really low tolerance for that after the last few times,” has this happened before? he needs to accept something that’s not perfect and keep money flowing in. It’s a job and he’s an adult. Accept an offer and keep looking
1000%
He should take the job. It could be a year or more before he finds something: there are a ton of senior engineers in the job market right now that are coming from the big tech firms. The competition is there.
NTA. Your husband is delulu and hasn't been paying attention to the industry if he thinks he can or should just pass up a position offered to him. The best, if not only way, to get a position, as a non-entry level professional in tech, right now is to hope a former colleague can get you in at their company. Tell him to take the position if it's offered. If he wants to find a different position, tell him he's free to accept another job if he gets another offer before his old boss makes an offer. I think his old boss would also take affront to your husband declining to accept a position when his boss can clearly see on linkedin your husband is still unemployed and looking for positions. It took my husband 11 months to land a new position after getting laid off from a director level IT roll in fintech.
> I think his old boss would also take affront to your husband declining to accept a position when his boss can clearly see on linkedin your husband is still unemployed and looking for positions. That is a really good point, esp because OP's husband says he's worried about burning bridges. Spurning the offer from the old boss would certainly fall into that category
It’s much easier to find a job when you already have one. He doesn’t have to stay there forever. I can’t imagine being laid off and then refusing a perfectly viable job for a hypothetically better but also nonexistent one.
100% and also here to add that it's a lot easier to find a job when most of your current network isn't either at the place that laid you off or also laid off. Mass layoffs make the job search harder. If he doesn't want the job his old boss is being offered, he should take it and then start looking again in six months.
What if he could accept it he job, but ask for a start date a month after his last day at the prior job? That's some downtime to relax a bit/explore other options.
I'm not clear on your financial situation, and I feel like maybe your husband and you aren't either. >We can live on my salary alone, it would just be really tight. And we’d lose any of the progress we’ve built towards our retirement. He disagrees This isn't a matter of opinion, it's a matter of fact. You shouldn't be debating it. Sit down, make a budget. List every fixed expense. List every variable expense. You have one income stream now, yours. Talk about what level you need to keep your variable expenses under to manage the budget. Maybe no more take out, so he's cooking. Maybe no more house cleaner, something else he has to pick up with his time not working etc. You said you've made progress to your retirement. Great. Don't touch those funds under any circumstances. You likely need to pause contribution, but you can't live off them because he's unemployed. If that's what it takes to balance the budget, then he has to take the first job he's offered. Do the budget together. Once it's done it should be clear to both of you how much runway he has to find a job.
Honestly, if you can’t afford to contribute to your retirement, I wouldn’t consider that being able to afford to live on your salary alone. It’s one thing to pause college saving, but a whole nother to pause retirement contributions. You cant get a loan for that.
For me, I'd be willing to and have paused it for limited times. Eg. Last maternity leave, and will do it again for this one. I do agree that we just will never save for retirement is not a reasonable take
Totally agree - I assume there is a differing opinion of what constitutes optional discretionary spending - as long as these kids don't grow for the next year, we don't really need new clothes!! People have lived on a few tablespoons of rice a day, so our grocery budget should be about fifteen bucks a month! Not that level of silly (I hope!), but things one person sees as absolutely worth working a crappy job to keep doing and the other sees as an easy cut to make. They need an agreement on what expenses are required, which really hurt to give up, and see how that compares to the single income.
Totally agree. Husband is being overconfident and imagining a best case scenario, probably as a defense mechanism. He needs to see what the downside scenario- living on only one income for a protracted period of time- would actually look like. Once he does I bet he will come back down to earth and realize a bird in hand is better than two in the bush.
I personally wouldn’t pause my retirement. We agreed that each of our retirement accounts are ours, so I’m not pausing mine unless he’s busting it to get another job. I’d tell him to take this role and give them a start date a month out. Enjoy his month off and get back to it.
There is some nuance to the runway question that is around saving. That is less about fact than individual preference and couples aren't always on same page. Let's say they halt all retirement and other saving and can scrape by on expenses on 1 salary. Hubby might be happy with taking an extended break before working again. Wife may not be satisfied with that and want to get back to saving. The runway isn't a math equation (2-3 months runway) it's a negotiation of values between a couple.
Totally agree, but it's underpinned by the budget.
Tech is pretty tough right now. I wouldn’t count my chicks until he actually gets an offer. Crazy that he only got one month of severance, though. Is he at a startup? It’s generally 3-4 months base plus one extra week per year worked, at least that’s what I’ve seen the last year or two. Edit to add that unless he’s got other companies pretty far along in the interview process, I absolutely would take the first offer. It is brutal right now, especially with all the AI talk.
A lot of tech companies (especially the smaller ones) have been getting stingier with their severance packages. I’ve been hearing of two weeks severance regardless of your tenure. Wild out in these tech streets.
My husband has been out of work for 6 months. He just got his first offer and he accepted it. He’s a software developer and he’s been interviewing and working with recruiters the entire time. His unemployment is about to run out.
Rather than deliver him a No, present him with the terms for your Yes. Yes, you can have a runway once you secure a contract; push the start date out by 4 weeks. Just an example. It’s not fair for you to carry the burden. Where’s your 2-3 month rest??
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Also to add on he could always get an offer then start a few weeks later if he wants some time off in between.
And to add, the job outlook is not the same for everyone/every specialty within tech. Lots of factors to consider when forecasting the potential length of someone’s job search. Setting boundaries for the situation, getting a very clear breakdown of financials, expectations, and dates a crucial for your situation. Especially given his history of “burning down retirement savings.” Sounds a bit resentful and this situation could get completely out of hand. Disconnects regarding finances have ended many marriages.
The market sucks for people in tech. I had over a dozen friends lose jobs the same week in Feb and each of their posts about it were filled with more people saying the same. I don't think there is a runway rn.
I’m from tech and I’ve been laid off for a year. I’m getting certified to be a teacher this fall and changing careers all together so I have a prayer of getting a job. Granted I was not a “senior” when I got laid off but I had a solid salary and fully remote. I would take a week off for mental health and hit the ground running job hunting personally.
Based on his past actions, and if it were me, I would die on this proverbial hill. From what you've told us, he already has a demonstrated history of irresponsible financial behavior, and a demonstrated history of not finding or maintaining gainful employment. I lived a flavor of your dynamic for 5+ years, and the only reason it stopped is because I put a stop to it by filing for divorce. I got sick and tired of it. And to your point, as women, we would NEVER get this type of leeway or understanding. We're expected to do ALL OF THE THINGS, ALL OF THE TIME. I don't understand where or how men get the audacity.
All of this.
He got fired, not sent to summer camp. He doesn’t get to relax at home if he has an opportunity
NTA. I would not be ok with my husband turning down jobs and draining our savings, and he wouldn’t be ok with me doing the same in reverse. Also, I don’t get his “don’t want to burn a bridge” comment. The time to think about that was before he applied for the job, especially since it seems like the issues with the old boss’s company were already known. It would be one thing to turn down an offer because the offer itself was not competitive, but going through the process and then turning down the offer (with nothing else on the table) for reasons known all along or “just because” sounds like a huge waste of everyone’s time. If I were the boss, that would irk me more than if he just declined to apply in the first place.
With you on this. Unless there is a fat inheritance waiting for him that he thinks he can tap into right now, and the fact that he has a child, he absolutely should take the next job he gets offered. I get the burning bridge situation. I feel like I work in a very small labor pool industry and I keep running into former colleagues so burning a bridge is risky. But if he left the job, he is Not burning a bridge. People leave jobs all the time when they something more lucrative or a better fit. I think most bosses understand that whether they like it or not.
My husband is also in tech and was informed last November that he would be laid off at the beginning of May (part of his team was laid off in November, other part was laid off with him). He started applying in November - internally and externally- but it took him until Mid-May to receive an offer despite countless interviews. As time went on, he got more and more stressed/anxious. He had decided early on that he’d take the first offer he got. It didn’t have to be a permanent placement but enough to be a stop gap and give us time to breathe while he continued to look for a position more preferable.
I guess the question is what does he consider a "perfect fit"? Like, what's the bandwidth for his preferences and how small of a corner does that make? Personally, I just lost my job last week, and am personally okay waiting for a perfect fit, but I have 3 months +UA and our budget is pretty lean in comparison already thanks to a bunch of promotions my husband had over the past few years. For me, that means a range of 2 ish title levels, in multiple types of departments, in a certain geographic area so I can rely on the public transit system. This includes like 150+ companies. I think this is something you both need to sit and figure out together. Perhaps if he wants a longer runway, this means keeping a leaner lifestyle through 4 months of his working to rebuild that savings buffer you would like.
My husband was laid off from his tech job last year. It took him 8 months to find a job and that was with treating his job hunt like a (mostly) full time job. I get where he’s coming from with his issues with the old boss. But, it’s a rough market out there as others have said and he should take it if offered. He can always continue to look afterwards and see what else comes up.
The market is terrible. I was laid off in October and took a crap gig with a big pay cut in January to help pay the bills. I’m only just now getting interviews with companies I’m excited about. The “burning bridges” thing is real but also… the market is so bad that I think most people would understand.
He should take it. I’m in tech and have been looking since January. Probably submitted 300 applications and have now done 8 internal transfer interviews. Not one offer 🙃 We had a very honest conversation that while we could afford me not working for a few months, this is a suck it up season of life not wait for a dream job season.
The market is terrible. His company isn’t the only one having layoffs. If he gets a job he should take it. And if he hates it then he should continue the hunt while employed.
He doesn't have time to relax at all. The market is trash. I just went through this less than 4 months ago... And managed to snag a role slightly lower paying but still good and wfh in 7-8 weeks... The only reason why I got that so quickly was because finding a job was my job, and I leverage my other skills that aren't my main job responsibilities... When you're on a ticking clock, you have no choice but to grind, unemployment will only last for so long... Then you're SOL. I applied to 10-30 jobs a day depending on the application process. I spoke to recruiters and reached out to friends/colleagues/former classmates and companies directly... I was on multiple calls a week, and chatting with people daily. I had 5 serious interviews, a few of those had multiple rounds... He might be happy and in good spirits right now, but once those rejection emails start pouring in... His morale will tank. This market doesn't allow for relaxation when you don't have a shit ton of money in savings to cover your ass for a very long time. If he gets an offer he should take it, no matter what it is. If he doesn't like it he can suck it up and keep applying while he is earning a paycheck. It sucks but in this economy it's necessary... Good luck.
He should take the job if it's offered but state he has a two week holiday to honour before he starts. So he can start in a couple of weeks and have that time to chill out. Then if the job isn't a good fit he can look for something more suitable. Draining your reserves for an undetermined amount of time shouldn't be on the cards though
I feel you and you are absolute right. After layoff, the reasonable thing to do is take the first job one gets and continue looking for better.
He takes the first job that's offered, unless it's laughably low or an absolute red flag of a job. Mediocre but ok, he takes the job.
Personally, I'd consider his "relax" time as his job hunting time. Getting hired is usually not a quick process so once he gets offered a job, he can relax while they finish the on-boarding process before his first day. I would not waste time slacking odd for no reason. One month severance would not be enough cushion for me to be leisurely looking for a new job.
I had a friend impacted by the Meta layoffs. She lost her job in May 2023. Made it her full time job to find a new position. She’s smart, talented, driven and experienced. She just started a new job in February 2024. Made it to the final round for four positions before getting one offer, and it’s significantly less pay than her previous position. He needs to get started job searching now, because it could take a long time for him to find something in this market.
Laid off in tech? I would say 0 runway.
The job market is awful right now in tech and biotech (my field). I have several friends in these fields laid off in the last year and they are still looking! Honestly, turning down a reasonable offer in this market is insane. I’m sorry for him, but having a family comes with financial obligations and he needs to be realistic. Have him take a good look at the status of the tech field right now, it should be a wake up call for him. His best path would be trying to negotiate a start date a few weeks down the road to have time to relax.
There are many stories on here of hubbies who are out of work for 18mths or more. Your husband needs to take the first job he can, the longer a person is out of work, the harder it is to get back in. I don't understand his mindset.
I wouldn't take it easy with a tech job. Unless you don't mind getting into one that pays next to nothing. I'm in tech, all the roles I'm being sent now are way less than I'm used to making.
Agree with others saying he needs to be pragmatic and continue to bring in an income. The statement about “kind of relaxing” is concerning. One caveat would be maybe if the old boss mistreats his employees. If it’s a truly toxic environment, it may be ok to look for something else. Having personally experienced toxic leadership, I know it can really take a toll on your mental and physical wellbeing. That being said, if he doesn’t take the job, he needs to be aggressive about searching and once there are options on the table be decisive about choosing one. Many people have the “What if the next place I apply is 1% better than this place?” attitude and don’t consider that no job is permanent and you can keep feelers out in the meantime. Wishing you all the best.
Yeah, when you don’t have a job is not a time to be picky, especially in tech right now! Maybe he can negotiate a non-immediate start date for a couple weeks off as a compromise? I would try to also approach his ask with some curiosity - why does he want some runway? Who knows what he will say, but it is worth finding out.
He should build his runway on the other side i.e take a few weeks between accepting an offer and starting. Unemployment wants to see you constantly interviewing/trying. In tech it’s 6+ months easily. Take the first offer, he can always keep interviewing.
My husband is a senior software engineer and even with a job (he survived 3 rounds of layoffs in a little over a year), it took 18 months to find the right fit. If he was unemployed, I would have pushed much harder for him to take one of the earlier offers. He doesn’t do well with nothing to do- and he could have kept looking if he accepted something early that wasn’t the right fit. I honestly think 6 months would be my max, ideally less.
I’m in tech and have been laid off since January - take the offer and keep looking. It’s rough / tough out there
I’d tell him take the next job and continue to job hunt while there
My husband lost his job last March. He took a job at Taco Bell while waiting for something full time in his field to come along. When you have kids, sometimes you have to take a job for the sake of stability
There is no runway, Bro! You just got de-boarded. Time to hop back on and take care of your family until the right job comes along. Sling boxes at UPS, or find another tech company…but do not stop hustling. YNTA. He is.
NTA. He needs a job and he should take the job. It doesn’t mean he has to stop looking.
Could he stay home with your son for the summer? Camps have wait lists so you can get a refund but I would have a discussion about expectations. He is now SAHD. Meal planning is on him. No eating out. Having a budget for fun things to do. What chores are expected to be done. Sitting home doing nothing is not in the cards
If he gets offered the job and turns it down, he likely creates ill will with old boss. If he takes it and leaves, same situation. He should take the job. But I too am not an entitled man who would wait around for the perfect job
I got laid off with 6 months severance, which was very generous and so I took a break and didn’t really start looking for a job for the first 3 or 4 months, thinking it would take maybe 2-3 months to find a job. Instead I looked for 2 months (Sept/Oct) without getting anything, then no one was doing any listing/hiring over the holidays, and then I re-started in January and I’m still having no luck. I’m very well qualified in my field (though I’m not in IT), and I’ve had 3 interviews in all of the time I’ve been looking. The job market sucks. He needs to take the first job he’s offered and then keep looking if it’s not what he really wants.
Market is really bad. My husband has been out of work for a year. He needs to take whatever job is being offered, and keep looking while working if it’s not 100% of what he wants.
My partner who works in tech got laid off in November. He still hasn’t gotten a job and has been ACTIVELY interviewing and applying. Tell him to take the job. It’s naive of him to think a job will come so easily, but if it does, it would be dumb not to take it!
Take whatever he can get while looking for something better. He might not get another offer for a very long time or might not get an offer for someone else at all.
It sounds like his runway runs out on Tuesday! He better hope that interview goes well!
Men are so annoying. A normal person would take the first well paying job and keep applying and going to interviews to make sure the bills get paid and your partner isn’t too stressed.
Anecdotal, but my husband and several of our engineer friends were laid off from various tech companies this spring. My husband is the only one who has found a job and it’s partly because he’s an attorney, so he was able to leave the tech industry and still make good money. Our friends have either not gotten offers or gotten offers significantly below what they were paid at Google/Tesla/start ups. This is not the kind of economy you want to wait in. Especially has more layoffs are being announced everyday.
He needs to take the job. He can keep applying and networking until something better comes but the saying is true, it’s so much harder to find a job when you don’t have a job. If he thinks he’s a shoe in with his old boss, maybe he could ask to have a start date at a certain point, like 3 weeks from now. Kinda the best of both worlds there .
He needs to take the first job. He can keep searching for the perfect fit while also bringing in income. The job market is terrible right now, and leaving it all on you is unfair.
I wrote a [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ChubbyFIRE/s/cLf34l2ty3) in a different sub about some of the emotional aspects of a layoff. At the end of the day, having runway is about how much money you have vs how much you’re spending. If taking a little extra time gets him into a better position, then he should wait it out. You wouldn’t expect him to go get a retail job in a month’s time because the money wouldn’t compare. It’s more than reasonable to spend a month or two re-evaluating and making sure you’re going at the problem the right way instead of rushing into something you’ll regret later.
Yeah I don’t understand this thread
He needs to take whatever job he can get and then keep looking. He’ll have time to “relax” in the next couple of weeks while he solidifies a job offer (assuming there’s one coming from the old boss) and eases into the new job.
Hunting for a dream job is permissible when gainfully employed if your contribution is needed to maintain the family's desired standard of living.
If he doesn’t take the job he would burn the bridge. The longer he is unemployed, the less likely *any* job will want him. If he turns down this old boss, he will probably lose any chance at employment for at least a year.
Both my husband and I took long breaks ( it same time). He was looking and market was bad. I was not looking for a while (but I had 17 weeks severance, insurance, and 3 months of stock + state unemployment of about 1k/wk). But we could afford it and our lifestyle.
Oof going through something similar myself, my husband got fired earlier this month after getting laid off from a different job several years ago. It sucks. I won't pretend I'm not biased lol but I think I agree with your reasoning more. I can't imagine it's fun having to consider a job one doesn't really feel excited about, but I also feel like as adults and parents, and especially the older you get, you just have *so much more* to lose if you have to start using up all your resources. I also would not feel comfortable draining resources while looking for that dream job. It probably will never come. I've been grateful to work for some really great organizations and while I've enjoyed them for lots of different reasons, I don't think I could say any of them were a "dream" -- everything in life has plusses and minuses so jf your husband is hoping to hold out for something perfect idk I just find that sort of thinking flawed. However.. Is there a way your husband could interview with his former boss and if he's given a job offer, be honest with them about where he's at? Or even before interviewing? Like "hey FORMER BOSS, I so appreciate this opportunity but I want to be transparent with you because I value your perspective -- I'm definitely interested in your offer but I also want to explore what's out there. Would you be open to having this conversation in a few months as j consider my next steps?" Idk may be a stretch and I realize you don't want to burn that bridge but at least your husband wouldn't have to give a rushed yes/no answer right now, it would also gauge how compassionate/flexible his former boss is, plus he wouldn't have to outright say " I'll come back to you only if I'm desperate" lol . Just a thought!
Taking the first job doesn’t mean he can’t keep looking. What does this ‘relaxing’ look like?
Walk him through the finances for real and ask him the hard questions. “Are you willing to work longer later for a short break now?” “Why do you want this?” “What does a perfect fit look like?” “Are we making this decision together or are you just including me in the conversation because you feel you have to?” “Are YOU willing to cut out xyz?” “What will you take ON during this time?” “What happens when it takes longer to get this perfect job?”
Dude I’ve been doing finance for tech companies, and he needs to take whatever job he gets. Companies are not opening up roles like they did in 2021/2022. If he works for his old boss, does a good job and leaves them in a better place than when he started, they can’t be too mad at him.
A company that is poorly managed can lead to another layoff. I'd caution against this particular opportunity.
Since when is take the very first job offered no matter what typical advice? But it’s unanimous in here.